RUTGERS STUDENTS STOP STUDYING IN IN ANTICIPATION OF STRIKE

BY: MICHELLE C. HAWKE

midterms, projects, and other similar assignments continue to be graded.

...continued from front happening? Why didn’t anyone tell me anything? Fuck, I gotta tell my people!"

CRUMBLE without our LOVING PAPER. We are the bodies, the corpses upon which SHI Stadium was built. We no longer wish to be oppressed by big Sir Henry, and demand change. Our strike will go from March 11, 2023 to March 19, 2023. If by this point our demands are not met, we will do nothing and just start writing the paper again, it's not like we’re getting paid for this anyway.

As the Rutgers American Association of University Professors and American Federation of Teachers (AAUP-AF) continues to tally up the votes on whether to authorize a strike in the following week, a growing number of Rutgers students across all programs and years are reportedly growing apathetic towards their studies. While this is a phenomenon that has generally been observed in college students since the beginning of time, it has only gotten worse as the threat of a strike has encroached. This issue has recently caught attention after a sudden dip in the collective GPA was noticed in the past couple of weeks, with a further drop likely to occur as

When we asked several students as to why they’ve been lacking in their studies, one student, who simply asked to be referred to as Brad, responded, “Dude, it’s so fucking obvious this strike is gonna happen, so why should I even bother trying to work on this research paper due in a month? Not like all the work I’ll pour into it will matter if my professor’s at a picket line or some shit. Now if you’ll excuse me bro, I got something to take care of real quick.” (Shortly after our interview with him, Brad proceeded to execute one of the meanest keg stands humanly possible. Dear fucking God, what a legend.)

When we asked another student in a room packed with more smoke than Snoop Dogg’s living room, they responded, “Wait, there’s supposed to be a strike? When the hell is that

IF YOU FEEL LIKE PROCRASTINATING, COME

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These, however, were just the outliers. In reality, a majority of the people we had interviewed over the course of the past few days (which in total equals, like, seven or eight people) have naturally felt about the same as any other student: tired as hell.

[Editor’s Note: I know my ass is tired anyways; it took me hella effort to write this shit in the first place. Seriously though, hopefully the fine folks in these unions are able to get what they deserve.]

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Your Failure, Not Mine

You Have To Check Out This Cool New Club

By: Hank Verde

To the students of my Differential Equations class,

Listen up snowflakes, it's your fault you failed my midterm. You not training for the spike pit: not my fault. You not studying for the sphinx's riddle: not my fault. You forgetting to bring your calculator: you guessed it, not my fault.

I am going to sleep soundly knowing that I did everything in my power to make this a fair and reasonable test. I warned you all on the first day of class that if you wanted it open-book with the option to bring a dagger for protection from the snakes, the exam would be harder. Be happy that I removed the poison gas that starts seeping into the lecture hall at the as soon as I call for pencils down! It's those kinds of allowances that made a solid extra 5 of you survive. They call it a weed out class for a reason!

I will take responsibility for one thing, though. Question 4 on the written portion required trig integrals. I know you all used them in at least one of the prerequisite courses, but I really should have done a review for it. Given the answer to that problem was required for escaping the dungeon that was filling with water, I'll posthumously award each of those students partial credit for the rest of the trials. I'm currently talking to the department chair about giving them medical withdrawals from the course-I'm pretty sure being dead is considered a medical condition.

All this being said, there's a reason you have all heard that "Dr. Hugankiss is tough but fair." I will be offering an opportunity to retake. Reach out to the TA if you are interested but need time to recover from your injuries.

Best wishes!

- Carmita Manda Hugankiss, PhD

I recently went through a tough divorce after I discovered my ex-wife’s infidelity. Barf! The aftermath was the worst part. I was aimless, lost, an empty shell of a person, and I tried everything, including, but not limited to, birdwatching. My outlook on life was crushed. I thought that I was a hopeless individual and that my pain would sting through my veins until the day that I die. That was until I found a cool new organization that took me in as a member of their family. History has warned us of the treachery of charismatic leaders. There is an ever delicate, fine line between inspiring leadership and manipulation, torture, and death. I say, history sucks and I hate reading! When I found Ronald Burz and his inspiring followers, I was healed. They pieced me back together. They gave me food, a place to call home, and a purpose. All I have to do is go out to malls and hand out pamphlets to people who look properly nourished and mentally and emotionally vulnerable. I also had to hand over all of my financial information, passwords, and vital documents such as birth certificate, social security card, and driver's license to Ronald, and what can I say, this guy’s great! He keeps every piece of evidence that I exist very safe. I love Ronald Burz and his Order of Upstanding Humans. They are so great and they love me. Everyone else, I’ve realized, is terrible. The Order has recommended that I cut all contact off from my family and it’s been great. I hate my parents and I love the mall.

PLEASE COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS NEXT WEDNESDAY AT 7PM AT LSC 201AB. YOU CAN TAKE THE DIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS MIDTERM FOR FUN! AND, YOU'LL GET TO EXPERIENCE THE POISON GAS, THE DUNGEON FILLING WITH WATER, AND THE SNAKES (BUT THEY'RE NOT REAL SNAKES, JUST THE DEPARTMENT HEADS JK JK). ANYWAYS, COME JOIN THE BEST CLUB IN THE WORLD AND ANSWER THIS QUESTION IN PERSON (OR DON'T): WOULD YOU RATHER BE PENETRATED BY A HUGE DICK OR A GIGANTIC DICK?

(THERE IS ONLY ONE CORRECT ANSWER, SIMILAR TO "BLOW OR BLOW?"AND YES, I WILL JUDGE YOU DEPENDING ON WHAT YOU SAY. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO WRITE TO FILL THIS BOX HAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

How are you supporting the Irish community during Irish American Heritage Month?

"I'm pouring a Guinness out for the homies"

Joe McChill

DUDE WTF ARE YOU DOING WASTING THAT GUINNESS

The Beauties of Drinking and Driving

BY AL C. A. HALLIC

In an era where the matter of road safety has become more of a concern, with signs littered all over the highways saying, “We'll be blunt—don't drive high,” or, more relevantly, “Don't cruise boozed,” I personally feel that we have lost our way as a society, and are failing to appreciate the greatness that is operating heavy machinery while under the influence. Hence, I will defend my position on why more people should drive drunk.

Tianna O'Goldshire

Taking advantage of that offshore income are we now

"I plan on wearing a kilt the whole week"

Jamie Smeraoff

Wrong group that the British oppressed mate

The Weekly Ruby Rant: I Am So Sad

BY RUBY TANZANITE

Hello readers, and welcome! to the Weekly Ruby Rant, authored by me, myself, and yours truly, Ruby Tanzanite, the Princess of Pussy, the Queen of Queefs, the Bestie of Boytoys, and oh boy reader, do I have a rant for you this week! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Okay so particularly astute Tanzanologists will know that I AM SO FUCKING SAD. I AM SAD. SADNESS IS ME. Today I was walking to class in the Brett Hall Seminar Room (okay and let me just rant for a second: the fact that I have a class IN Brett Hall but I can’t access the building with my ID and I have to wait outside the building like a fucking idiot for someone who ACTUALLY has access to let me in is genuinely criminal) while listening to Ms. Michelle Zauner and I was actively restraining myself from having a full-blown Pearl moment. And then someone on the patio outside Café West stopped me and said “omg Opal Sapphire I love your work!” and I was like “who the fuck is Opal Sapphire” and the person was like “...?” and they had on a vaguely disappointed face. So I disappointed someone!!! And then I tripped over a crack in the pavement right in front of a bunch of cars so that was really embarrassing. And then I farted in public and it was loud. In conclusion, all of this made me really sad.

Yours so fucking truly, Ruby Tanzanite, the yassiest slayiest cuntiest uwuiest gemstone-dripping opiner of The Medium. Also support the graduate student union <3 <3 <3

For starters, 70% of all accidents are caused by sober drivers, whereas 30% are caused by those under the influence. It stands to reason, therefore, that the moment you have a Long Island Iced Tea before turning the keys in your ignition, your chances of getting into an accident decrease. (Before you ask where I got my statistics from, all I can say is that you can do your own research on Facebook.)

In addition to the point above, driving is already an intense experience in this day and age, especially in an area like New Brunswick where the drivers make Mad Max: Fury Road look like a relaxing Sunday drive. Therefore, a quick shot or two of vodka should make matters such as picking up the kids from school an absolute breeze.

Finally, there exists a phenomenon known as the Ballmer Peak, in which, at a certain BAC level (generally .13-.15 percent), a person’s proficiency in any skill set increases. With this knowledge, it should naturally make sense that if a person’s driving skills are terrible sober, they can quickly become the next Lewis Hamilton after downing a six-pack of PBR.

In summary, driving sober is dumb as hell, while boozing and cruising will make you and the driving experience for everyone else on the road really fucking cool.

EREN YEAGER IS A FUCKING PUSSY!!!!!

My Thoughts on Eren Yeager

BY JEAN KIRSTEIN

He’s literally been giving off bad vibes since day one. He was such a whiny little bitch and was supposed to die on his first mission. The only reason why he made it past 15 is because he ate his fucking dad. He’s the weakest out of all the damn Scouts: he only killed one Titan in human form. ONE TITAN. BITCH IS SO FUCKING WEAK. It’s literally so pitiful. Levi probably took him in because he looked up at Eren and thought that Eren would get himself in some deep shit and it would give Levi something interesting to do to occupy his time.

This dude whines and cries all the fucking time it makes me want to rip him in half like Marco. Except half of Marco had more dignity than Eren ever will. Even Armin was always a lot stronger than Eren. He wasn’t fucking eaten on the first mission. He was willing to BURN HIMSELF TO A CRISP KNOWING HE WOULD ACTUALLY DIE. Erwin charged into battle knowing he was going to die so that Levi can get close to that fucking monkey. He just got lucky to eat Bathtub or whatever the fuck that guys name was. The only reason Eren is still alive is because his dad decided to just eat Historia’s sister and kill off her entire family. Eren made everyone chase his ass around Paradis and then just disappeared once we got to Marley. I wouldn’t even be so mad about him running off if he didn’t come back even looking uglier than he did leaving. He really thought he could pull off a man bun and walk around shirtless but his ass was so flat he looked like a squashed seagull. Even as a Founding Titan, Eren’s ass is still flat as fuck. Mikasa carried his flat ass the whole fucking time and he even bitched about that.

Wednesday, March 8th, 2023 themedium.submissions@gmail.com

Arts

“Now who's gonna buy me tickets to see Twice?”

UHM HEHE COME TO LSC 201 AB

ON WEDNESDAY AT 7 P.M. TO PITCH

SAFE-TO-PRINT IDEAS! OOPS JK!!!

SPRING BREAKIESSS!! OOPS!!! JK!! OOPS JK!!! ITS SPRING BREAK! I GOTCHA!!! WE WILL BE THERE AFTER SPRINGIE BREAKIES BUT I TOTALLY GOTCHU YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE LULZ YOU LOOKED SO STUPID <3

Fuck

Do you recommend taking the Weekend 2 bus home from Livi at 11:30 p.m. on a Sunday night?

(I’m rich in spirit. I have rich family members. I give my money away. I’m a philosopher. I’ll be 62 years old on May 1st. Look at the ladies blushing. You think that watch is nice, you should get a gold one like mine. I’ve lived here my whole life. No one else here knows the history like I do. I’m not a tour guide but I can tell you the history of Rutgers. Before 1776, it was called Queen’s College. Now the area has over $350 trillion because of Johnson and Johnson. ¿Este hermano está loco no?)

How do you feel about Andrew Tate getting cancer?

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH -

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA -

HAHonestly, I don’t care enough about his existence to feel anything other than “eh, serves him right I guess.”)

Midterms

Why does Brower have glass cups while all the other dining halls have plastic ones?

(Because Brower is classy (Ha! Yeah, right). Since the food is terrible, they want to distract you with the fancy glassware so you will be lulled into a state of mind that makes you think the food also tastes fancy.)

How do you think the Scarlet Knights will do in the tournament?

(“If we beat Michigan, we’ll get fucking rocked by Purdue.” - a hopeless Sports Editor)

How did you do on your first round of midterms?

(Check out Dr. Hugankiss’ email in Features…)

When is the next Rutgurls track dropping?

(Soon. So very soon. The first track was so dope and pussy-popping, gussygushing that they had to put in extra work for this next track to be just as worldwrecking. The Rutgurls like to keep their fans on their toes. They’ll never tell you when their next track drops, but you will know when it does.)