THE MEDIUM ON STRIKE!?

BY NOT GONNATAKEIT MAKING PICKETS SIGNS

Members of the Rutgers American Association of University Professors and American Federation of Teachers (AAUPAF) are in the process of voting for strike authorization. If the members of the union approve the action, the leadership can call a strike at any time, with it most likely starting after Spring Break. For students, this may lead to a suspension of courses, resulting in no additional classes and no grading until the strike is concluded. This causes concerns for every student, as the process is necessary to negotiate fair contracts for the professors of Rutgers University, but it’s unclear when it will end, if it occurs.

Now, having been inspired by the bravery of our instructors, The Medium has also voted amongst its members for a strike, and, because we only have like 20 members, the vote has been completed. The results are in; and it is confirmed, THE MEDIUM WILL BE GOING ON STRIKE! We will not stand for the oppressive conditions that the failed football star Johnathan

Hollaway has placed upon us! We stand in unity with our professor cohorts, and have created a list of demands that we believe are reasonable, and are needed to fulfill our duty to this great institution of providing it with weekly fake news!

Our demands are as follows: A singular window, 2 hours a week

Burnt Out As Shit

Since 1970

Continued on Page 2

BATH SALTS, GATORS, AND GUNS, OH MY!

FLORIDA MAN DOES WHAT FLORIDA MAN CAN his presidency stripping away a number of firearms restrictions, most notably the Gun Control Act of 1968 and the National Firearms Act, essentially allowing automatic weapons to become more readily available to the general public.

In addition to the above, Rob, uh, I mean, Ron, also wishes to pass a number of abortion restrictions as quickly as possible upon his possible victory. He stated, “I’ve always been an optimist, and therefore I hope that once I’m elected, I also have the House and the Senate. Once that happens, I’ll likely restrict abortion access nationwide to about two weeks. I genuinely think this is

...continued from front the appropriate amount of time any prospective mother should have to consider such a horrific decision.” themedium.submissions@gmail.com

With the limited time we had left in our interview, we asked if he had any other policies in mind in order to, “Make America Florida”, a phrase many of his supporters have begun to cling on to, he briefly discussed the possibility of distributing alligators en-masse across the United States, making bath salts available in all schools nationwide, and eliminating any possible method of voting for Democrats.

"If all these dreams become a reality," he said, "then we can all be Florida Man."

COULD YOU MAYBE GIVE US THIS WINDOW?

PLEASE JUST GIVE US SOME FRESH AIR!

singular window, 2 hours a week outside of the production chamber, a ball pit in the production room, 7 oranges to combat scurvy (we have scurvy), at least 1 meal a day, AT LEAST 2 Light Bulbs, One (1) functioning Chromebook, a hug, condoms (for funny), one cigarette a day, two (2) right airpods, one (1) shoelace, rice krispies SPECIFICALLY from target, Crocs for each member (our feet hurt), and a gold coin. These stipulations will allow us to survive amongst an ever changing society, and without them, we will not be able to provide the comedy stylings that the Rutgers student body REQUIRES. This university will