The Medium 3/8/2023

RON DESANTIS RELEASES PLANS ON HOW HE'LL MAKE AMERICA FLORIDA

BY A CONCERNED JOURNALIST MOVING TO CANADA

With the 2024 Presidential election creeping around the corner, a vast number of candidates of all parties (ah, who am I fucking kidding, just the Democratic and Republican Parties) have begun to put their hats in the ring. Of those teasing a potential run as President this early on, the one particular candidate for the GOP that has caught everyone’s eye is Ron DeSantis, the controversial Governor of Florida.

Former Chief of Staff Donald J. Trump has begun his campagin for a run in 2024, most notably with a recent visit to East Palestine, Ohio, after the devastating chemical spill. However, DeSantis has been slated by many political pundits and analysts as a possible and fierce competitor to the 45th President, posing what many view as a possible threat to the unity of

the GOP during the next year of elections.

Correspondents from The Medium recently held an interview with DeSantis last week, with his responses only further cementing his run as a possibility. Given the governor’s increasing prominence on the political scene, we naturally felt the need to discern the plans of the potential candidate for the next

JUST PAY US, FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Oh God, Oh Fuck I Forgot To Give Something Up For Lent!

Breaking News: They Have Cafe West At Cafe West

Next Week: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X

year, primarily with his policies, and how he intends to differentiate himself from the adversarial Trump.

Regarding the matter, DeSantis began the discussion with a couple of relevant matters, chiefly those of gun control and abortion rights. For the former, DeSantis hopes to pass a bill within the first year of

Continued on Page 2

THE MEDIUM ON STRIKE!?

BY NOT GONNATAKEIT MAKING PICKETS SIGNS

Members of the Rutgers American Association of University Professors and American Federation of Teachers (AAUPAF) are in the process of voting for strike authorization. If the members of the union approve the action, the leadership can call a strike at any time, with it most likely starting after Spring Break. For students, this may lead to a suspension of courses, resulting in no additional classes and no grading until the strike is concluded. This causes concerns for every student, as the process is necessary to negotiate fair contracts for the professors of Rutgers University, but it’s unclear when it will end, if it occurs.

Now, having been inspired by the bravery of our instructors, The Medium has also voted amongst its members for a strike, and, because we only have like 20 members, the vote has been completed. The results are in; and it is confirmed, THE MEDIUM WILL BE GOING ON STRIKE! We will not stand for the oppressive conditions that the failed football star Johnathan

Hollaway has placed upon us! We stand in unity with our professor cohorts, and have created a list of demands that we believe are reasonable, and are needed to fulfill our duty to this great institution of providing it with weekly fake news!

Our demands are as follows: A singular window, 2 hours a week

Burnt Out As Shit

Since 1970

Continued on Page 2

BATH SALTS, GATORS, AND GUNS, OH MY!

FLORIDA MAN DOES WHAT FLORIDA MAN CAN

his presidency stripping away a number of firearms restrictions, most notably the Gun Control Act of 1968 and the National Firearms Act, essentially allowing automatic weapons to become more readily available to the general public.

In addition to the above, Rob, uh, I mean, Ron, also wishes to pass a number of abortion restrictions as quickly as possible upon his possible victory. He stated, “I’ve always been an optimist, and therefore I hope that once I’m elected, I also have the House and the Senate. Once that happens, I’ll likely restrict abortion access nationwide to about two weeks. I genuinely think this is

...continued from front

the appropriate amount of time any prospective mother should have to consider such a horrific decision.”

With the limited time we had left in our interview, we asked if he had any other policies in mind in order to, “Make America Florida”, a phrase many of his supporters have begun to cling on to, he briefly discussed the possibility of distributing alligators en-masse across the United States, making bath salts available in all schools nationwide, and eliminating any possible method of voting for Democrats.

"If all these dreams become a reality," he said, "then we can all be Florida Man."

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COULD YOU MAYBE GIVE US THIS WINDOW?

PLEASE JUST GIVE US SOME FRESH AIR!

singular window, 2 hours a week outside of the production chamber, a ball pit in the production room, 7 oranges to combat scurvy (we have scurvy), at least 1 meal a day, AT LEAST 2 Light Bulbs, One (1) functioning Chromebook, a hug, condoms (for funny), one cigarette a day, two (2) right airpods, one (1) shoelace, rice krispies SPECIFICALLY from target, Crocs for each member (our feet hurt), and a gold coin. These stipulations will allow us to survive amongst an ever changing society, and without them, we will not be able to provide the comedy stylings that the Rutgers student body REQUIRES. This university will

FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M WITHDRAWING FROM ALL MY CLASSES

RUTGERS STUDENTS STOP STUDYING IN IN ANTICIPATION OF STRIKE

BY: MICHELLE C. HAWKE

midterms, projects, and other similar assignments continue to be graded.

...continued from front

CRUMBLE without our LOVING PAPER. We are the bodies, the corpses upon which SHI Stadium was built. We no longer wish to be oppressed by big Sir Henry, and demand change. Our strike will go from March 11, 2023 to March 19, 2023. If by this point our demands are not met, we will do nothing and just start writing the paper again, it's not like we’re getting paid for this anyway.

happening? Why didn’t anyone tell me anything? Fuck, I gotta tell my people!"

As the Rutgers American Association of University Professors and American Federation of Teachers (AAUP-AF) continues to tally up the votes on whether to authorize a strike in the following week, a growing number of Rutgers students across all programs and years are reportedly growing apathetic towards

their studies. While this is a phenomenon that has generally been observed in college students since the beginning of time, it has only gotten worse as the threat of a strike has encroached. This issue has recently caught attention after a sudden dip in the collective GPA was noticed in the past couple of weeks, with a further drop likely to occur as

When we asked several students as to why they’ve been lacking in their studies, one student, who simply asked to be referred to as Brad, responded, “Dude, it’s so fucking obvious this strike is gonna happen, so why should I even bother trying to work on this research paper due in a month? Not like all the work I’ll pour into it will matter if my professor’s at a picket line or some shit. Now if you’ll excuse me bro, I got something to take care of real quick.” (Shortly after our interview with him, Brad proceeded to execute one of the meanest keg stands humanly possible. Dear fucking God, what a legend.)

When we asked another student in a room packed with more smoke than Snoop Dogg’s living room, they responded, “Wait, there’s supposed to be a strike? When the hell is that

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These, however, were just the outliers. In reality, a majority of the people we had interviewed over the course of the past few days (which in total equals, like, seven or eight people) have naturally felt about the same as any other student: tired as hell.

[Editor’s Note: I know my ass is tired anyways; it took me hella effort to write this shit in the first place. Seriously though, hopefully the fine folks in these unions are able to get what they deserve.]

Carlos Domenech

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AIN'T GOT THE ENERGY FOR THIS, MAN, I SWEAR TO FU-

Samantha Braff, Michael Beacher, Addy Ghotikar, Christ Tu, Morgan Volkova

Your Failure, Not Mine

You Have To Check Out This Cool New Club

By: Hank Verde

To the students of my Differential Equations class,

Listen up snowflakes, it's your fault you failed my midterm. You not training for the spike pit: not my fault. You not studying for the sphinx's riddle: not my fault. You forgetting to bring your calculator: you guessed it, not my fault.

I am going to sleep soundly knowing that I did everything in my power to make this a fair and reasonable test. I warned you all on the first day of class that if you wanted it open-book with the option to bring a dagger for protection from the snakes, the exam would be harder. Be happy that I removed the poison gas that starts seeping into the lecture hall at the as soon as I call for pencils down! It's those kinds of allowances that made a solid extra 5 of you survive. They call it a weed out class for a reason!

I will take responsibility for one thing, though. Question 4 on the written portion required trig integrals. I know you all used them in at least one of the prerequisite courses, but I really should have done a review for it. Given the answer to that problem was required for escaping the dungeon that was filling with water, I'll posthumously award each of those students partial credit for the rest of the trials. I'm currently talking to the department chair about giving them medical withdrawals from the course-I'm pretty sure being dead is considered a medical condition.

All this being said, there's a reason you have all heard that "Dr. Hugankiss is tough but fair." I will be offering an opportunity to retake. Reach out to the TA if you are interested but need time to recover from your injuries.

Best wishes!

- Carmita Manda Hugankiss, PhD

I recently went through a tough divorce after I discovered my ex-wife’s infidelity. Barf! The aftermath was the worst part. I was aimless, lost, an empty shell of a person, and I tried everything, including, but not limited to, birdwatching. My outlook on life was crushed. I thought that I was a hopeless individual and that my pain would sting through my veins until the day that I die. That was until I found a cool new organization that took me in as a member of their family. History has warned us of the treachery of charismatic leaders. There is an ever delicate, fine line between inspiring leadership and manipulation, torture, and death. I say, history sucks and I hate reading! When I found Ronald Burz and his inspiring followers, I was healed. They pieced me back together. They gave me food, a place to call home, and a purpose. All I have to do is go out to malls and hand out pamphlets to people who look properly nourished and mentally and emotionally vulnerable. I also had to hand over all of my financial information, passwords, and vital documents such as birth certificate, social security card, and driver's license to Ronald, and what can I say, this guy’s great! He keeps every piece of evidence that I exist very safe. I love Ronald Burz and his Order of Upstanding Humans. They are so great and they love me. Everyone else, I’ve realized, is terrible. The Order has recommended that I cut all contact off from my family and it’s been great. I hate my parents and I love the mall.

PLEASE COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS NEXT WEDNESDAY AT 7PM AT LSC 201AB. YOU CAN TAKE THE DIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS MIDTERM FOR FUN! AND, YOU'LL GET TO EXPERIENCE THE POISON GAS, THE DUNGEON FILLING WITH WATER, AND THE SNAKES (BUT THEY'RE NOT REAL SNAKES, JUST THE DEPARTMENT HEADS JK JK). ANYWAYS, COME JOIN THE BEST CLUB IN THE WORLD AND ANSWER THIS QUESTION IN PERSON (OR DON'T): WOULD YOU RATHER BE PENETRATED BY A HUGE DICK OR A GIGANTIC DICK?

(THERE IS ONLY ONE CORRECT ANSWER, SIMILAR TO "BLOW OR BLOW?"AND YES, I WILL JUDGE YOU DEPENDING ON WHAT YOU SAY. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO WRITE TO FILL THIS BOX HAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

How are you supporting the Irish community during Irish American Heritage Month?

"I'm pouring a Guinness out for the homies"

Joe McChill

DUDE WTF ARE YOU DOING WASTING THAT GUINNESS

The Beauties of Drinking and Driving

BY AL C. A. HALLIC

In an era where the matter of road safety has become more of a concern, with signs littered all over the highways saying, “We'll be blunt—don't drive high,” or, more relevantly, “Don't cruise boozed,” I personally feel that we have lost our way as a society, and are failing to appreciate the greatness that is operating heavy machinery while under the influence. Hence, I will defend my position on why more people should drive drunk.

Tianna O'Goldshire

Taking advantage of that offshore income are we now

"I plan on wearing a kilt the whole week"

Jamie Smeraoff

Wrong group that the British oppressed mate

The Weekly Ruby Rant: I Am So Sad

BY RUBY TANZANITE

Hello readers, and welcome! to the Weekly Ruby Rant, authored by me, myself, and yours truly, Ruby Tanzanite, the Princess of Pussy, the Queen of Queefs, the Bestie of Boytoys, and oh boy reader, do I have a rant for you this week! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Okay so particularly astute Tanzanologists will know that I AM SO FUCKING SAD. I AM SAD. SADNESS IS ME. Today I was walking to class in the Brett Hall Seminar Room (okay and let me just rant for a second: the fact that I have a class IN Brett Hall but I can’t access the building with my ID and I have to wait outside the building like a fucking idiot for someone who ACTUALLY has access to let me in is genuinely criminal) while listening to Ms. Michelle Zauner and I was actively restraining myself from having a full-blown Pearl moment. And then someone on the patio outside Café West stopped me and said “omg Opal Sapphire I love your work!” and I was like “who the fuck is Opal Sapphire” and the person was like “...?” and they had on a vaguely disappointed face. So I disappointed someone!!! And then I tripped over a crack in the pavement right in front of a bunch of cars so that was really embarrassing. And then I farted in public and it was loud. In conclusion, all of this made me really sad.

Yours so fucking truly, Ruby Tanzanite, the yassiest slayiest cuntiest uwuiest gemstone-dripping opiner of The Medium. Also support the graduate student union <3 <3 <3

For starters, 70% of all accidents are caused by sober drivers, whereas 30% are caused by those under the influence. It stands to reason, therefore, that the moment you have a Long Island Iced Tea before turning the keys in your ignition, your chances of getting into an accident decrease. (Before you ask where I got my statistics from, all I can say is that you can do your own research on Facebook.)

In addition to the point above, driving is already an intense experience in this day and age, especially in an area like New Brunswick where the drivers make Mad Max: Fury Road look like a relaxing Sunday drive. Therefore, a quick shot or two of vodka should make matters such as picking up the kids from school an absolute breeze.

Finally, there exists a phenomenon known as the Ballmer Peak, in which, at a certain BAC level (generally .13-.15 percent), a person’s proficiency in any skill set increases. With this knowledge, it should naturally make sense that if a person’s driving skills are terrible sober, they can quickly become the next Lewis Hamilton after downing a six-pack of PBR.

In summary, driving sober is dumb as hell, while boozing and cruising will make you and the driving experience for everyone else on the road really fucking cool.

EREN YEAGER IS A FUCKING PUSSY!!!!!

My Thoughts on Eren Yeager

BY JEAN KIRSTEIN

He’s literally been giving off bad vibes since day one. He was such a whiny little bitch and was supposed to die on his first mission. The only reason why he made it past 15 is because he ate his fucking dad. He’s the weakest out of all the damn Scouts: he only killed one Titan in human form. ONE TITAN. BITCH IS SO FUCKING WEAK. It’s literally so pitiful. Levi probably took him in because he looked up at Eren and thought that Eren would get himself in some deep shit and it would give Levi something interesting to do to occupy his time.

This dude whines and cries all the fucking time it makes me want to rip him in half like Marco. Except half of Marco had more dignity than Eren ever will. Even Armin was always a lot stronger than Eren. He wasn’t fucking eaten on the first mission. He was willing to BURN HIMSELF TO A CRISP KNOWING HE WOULD ACTUALLY DIE. Erwin charged into battle knowing he was going to die so that Levi can get close to that fucking monkey. He just got lucky to eat Bathtub or whatever the fuck that guys name was. The only reason Eren is still alive is because his dad decided to just eat Historia’s sister and kill off her entire family. Eren made everyone chase his ass around Paradis and then just disappeared once we got to Marley. I wouldn’t even be so mad about him running off if he didn’t come back even looking uglier than he did leaving. He really thought he could pull off a man bun and walk around shirtless but his ass was so flat he looked like a squashed seagull. Even as a Founding Titan, Eren’s ass is still flat as fuck. Mikasa carried his flat ass the whole fucking time and he even bitched about that.

"Croatia is like my 93rd Favorite Country."

"I'm travelling to Ireland for... certain purposes"

Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

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ARTS

“Now who's gonna buy me tickets to see Twice?”

UHM HEHE COME TO LSC 201 AB

ON WEDNESDAY AT 7 P.M. TO PITCH

SAFE-TO-PRINT IDEAS! OOPS JK!!!

SPRING BREAKIESSS!! OOPS!!! JK!! OOPS JK!!! ITS SPRING BREAK! I GOTCHA!!! WE WILL BE THERE AFTER SPRINGIE BREAKIES BUT I TOTALLY GOTCHU YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE LULZ YOU LOOKED SO STUPID <3

FROM THE BOOK OF HOLLOWAY BY ANITA MANDA HUGANKISS

MIND CHEESE 003 BY ADDY + CHRIS

AND ROTATE BY ANTHRO FATE

Fuck

Do you recommend taking the Weekend 2 bus home from Livi at 11:30 p.m. on a Sunday night?

(I’m rich in spirit. I have rich family members. I give my money away. I’m a philosopher. I’ll be 62 years old on May 1st. Look at the ladies blushing. You think that watch is nice, you should get a gold one like mine. I’ve lived here my whole life. No one else here knows the history like I do. I’m not a tour guide but I can tell you the history of Rutgers. Before 1776, it was called Queen’s College. Now the area has over $350 trillion because of Johnson and Johnson. ¿Este hermano está loco no?)

How do you feel about Andrew Tate getting cancer?

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH -

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA -

HAHonestly, I don’t care enough about his existence to feel anything other than “eh, serves him right I guess.”)

Midterms

Why does Brower have glass cups while all the other dining halls have plastic ones?

(Because Brower is classy (Ha! Yeah, right). Since the food is terrible, they want to distract you with the fancy glassware so you will be lulled into a state of mind that makes you think the food also tastes fancy.)

How do you think the Scarlet Knights will do in the tournament?

(“If we beat Michigan, we’ll get fucking rocked by Purdue.” - a hopeless Sports Editor)

How did you do on your first round of midterms?

(Check out Dr. Hugankiss’ email in Features…)

When is the next Rutgurls track dropping?

(Soon. So very soon. The first track was so dope and pussy-popping, gussygushing that they had to put in extra work for this next track to be just as worldwrecking. The Rutgurls like to keep their fans on their toes. They’ll never tell you when their next track drops, but you will know when it does.)

Word of the Week:

Kylesabinology

What should I do over spring break?

(1. Drugs?

2. Maybe become a better child in the eyes of your parents so that they can finally love and appreciate you?

3. Read a book!

4. I’d also throw in a few existential crises in there, just to switch things up.

5. Idk, go for a walk into oblivion.

6. Hmmm more drugs?

7. Have a self-care day!

8. Probably jerk off.

9. Discover the meaning of life in this endless void of existence.

10. Bake!

11. Find out that your mother is cheating on your father with the guy next door but also realize that you were always secretly hoping your parents would get divorced because you have been living in the hell that is being the messenger.

12. Do homework! Don’t fall behind teehee :)

13. Rot in bed all day-it's not like you have any friends to make plans with anyway.

14. Worry about your future but do not do anything to plan for it or stop your stressing about it.

15. Meditate! Studies show that even short mindfullness sessions reduce your stress levels and can help with your overall health.

16. Go to Florida and pick up some new diseases.

17. Go to the forest where Cocaine Bear lived and find the rest of the cocaine. Maybe even hang out with the cocaine cubs.)

YAS OR SLAY- CREEPY MGSA BATHROOM

I want this week to be over.

I don't trust the capybaras. They are plotting something evil.... I just need to solve the mystery. No meeting this week, I got shit to find out.

n. The study of the sexiest, slayest, girthiest, skinnylegendest boy in town

Ska Needs To Make A Comeback

Harry Styles Didn't Deserve Artist of the Year At The KCAs

Dolly Parton's “I Will Always Love You”

Is Better Than Whitney

Houston's

Whole Lotta Red Is Overrated

XXL Cyphers Haven’t Been The Same Since 2016’s Class

Screaming Pissing and Crying To The Most Upbeat Mitski Instrumental Ever

Yeah, I keep stackin' bills like I'm Cosby (Yeah)

This Is How I Picture Limp Bizkit Fans

"I Wanna Kill You"

A Love Letter To My Favorite Band

By President Holloway

Playlist of the Week

Howdily doodily students,

It’s once again me, your favorite president, President Holloway. You may not know this about me, but I still love listening to music. The last time I wrote an article for Rutgers’ finest newspaper The Medium, I talked about my love for my favorite music artist: Bladee. After threatening to triple the music editor's tuition, I’m back today to discuss my favorite music band. This band pushed sonic boundaries and tested the limits of how much an audience could handle before leaving in disgust. This band has not only created some of my favorite music, but they also changed my life and inspired me to become a worse person. Without further ado, my favorite music band is *drum roll* GG Allin and The Murder Junkies.

One day, I was scrolling through the Youtubes, looking for a video on how to boil an egg. In my recommendations appeared a video called “(Documentario).Hated.-.GG.Allin.And.The .Muder. Junkies (legendado)”. I clicked on the video assuming it was related to my search for egg-boiling techniques. Instead, I was presented with the story about a degenerate man who didn’t give two flicks about who he offended. At one point in the video, the man is naked on stage in front of an audience and begins shoving a banana up his ass. That man’s name was GG Allin.

GG Allin (born Jesus Christ Allin) was a rockerman known for his controversial stage antics. He would try to be as disturbing and vulgar as possible during live performances. He would do everything from cutting himself with broken glass to covering himself in his own excrement. He released multiple punk albums through the 80s, either as a solo artist or affiliated with a band. After bouncing around from band to band, he eventually became the frontman for his band GG Allin and The Murder Junkies.

The reason I love, nay, respect Mr. Allin is because he is the modern Diogenes of Sinope. He was a man who was not afraid of society judging him for what he said or did. His actions and persona could best be described as “Joker-pilled”. He has inspired me to act how I want and not give a hooey who cares. A few years ago, I dressed up as Mr. Allin for a party by only wearing underwear and covering myself in feces. My wife, Mrs. President Holloway, wasn’t pleased... Especially since it wasn’t a costume party.

Tragically, Mr. Allin died of a drug overdose in 1993. He could never fulfill his dream of killing himself live on stage. Let this be a lesson, kids. Drugs will prevent you from obtaining your dreams. My favorite album by Mr. Allin is Freaks, F-----s, Drunks & Junkies. I found the songs “Suck My Ass It Smells”, “Sleeping in My Piss”, and “Last in Line For the Gang Bang” to be very relatable. Give it a listen if you have a chance, dumbass.

Fun Fact: Did you know GG Allin was friends with serial killer John Wayne Gacy. Gacy even painted the album art for the GG Allin and The Murder Junkies’ album Hated. Isn’t that wholesome?

Tournament was spelled wrong last week for legal reasons

MY PROPOSAL ON HOW TO STOP THE NETS FROM MELTING DOWN

For anyone who has been under a rock, it has become increasingly clear within the past few months that the Brooklyn Nets are resolutely shit, and cannot keep it together any longer. For context, the Nets have not only fired their head

coach Steve Nash back in December, but they’ve also traded a number of their star players, such as Kyrie Irving (who is a massive bitch) and Kevin Durant, with the former going to the Mavs (see ya chump) and the latter settling down at the Suns. The super team that never

Hot Takes

Without Giannis, The Bucks would be a halfway decent team

Women’s soccer FIFA is better than Men’s The Seattle Supersonics should have never left

The 2008 Celtics talk like they won six rings instead of one

Lance Stroll Isn’t a terrible driver; He’s just stupid

Space Jam is good

Space Jam sucks Baseball

Fuck Arizona State, dumb motherfuckers

was, is now gone. The team that was supposed to win multiple championships won only one playoff series in three years. That’s what happens when you have two sidekicks and someone not trying (you can guess whose who). Now, I’m someone who knows nothing about basketball, thinks the state of the Nets as dogshit, and has only skimmed through an article about them for five minutes. Even so, I can safely conclude that for the Brooklyn Nets to turn their luck around, they just need to move house from the shithole that is New York to the even bigger shithole that is New Jersey. And yes, while I’m aware that leaving Barclays Center isn’t a simple affair due to contracts and loyalty

and yadda yadda yadda, let me state this: The last time the Nets were able to reach the Finals (twice in a row, I might add!) was in their 2001-02 and 2002-03 seasons, where they went toe to toe with the Lakers and the Spurs. How did they do this? Aside from having a strong point guard like Jason Kidd at the helm, they were also conveniently located in East Rutherford. Now as to whether this has anything to do with their perfAh fuck it. To tell you the truth, I don’t really give a shit whether the Nets do well or not, it just fucks with me that New York has two basketball teams while we have… none. Fuck New York, like why the fuck y’all hogging all the goddamn sports teams?

Over under What You are going to do on Spring Break: By the Numbers

5:1

That you will masturbate at least once a day

8:1

That you will sleep until noon every day

3:1

That you will waste your break

Fucking with the Format

2:1

That you will masturbate at least five times a day

4:1

That you will sleep until 2 pm every day

1,000:1

That you will do any work you said you would do