The Medium 4/19/2023

STRIKE SUSPENDED WHILE FOCUS SHIFTS TO TAPEWORM

BY LEXA PREAUX HOSTING A TAPEWORM PARTY

After five days of a passionate strike, Rutgers' unions came to a decision to suspend the strike following further negotiations. This decision has been met with substantial backlash and disapproval, from faculty, undergraduate and graduate students, alumni and the like. The main criticism many are focusing on is persistent poor conditions for faculty members and graduate students especially, even with changes made after negotiations. The public opinion has been made clear: suspending the strike was a decision made far too early, and is quite possibly a large mistake. When union leaders and administrators finally spoke out in a series of emails, however, criticisms were hushed. A problem unrelated to the strike has only grown over the weeks: The issue of tapeworm

infections at the university.

As The Medium previously reported, the CDC has been investigating a highly suspicious -andpotentiallydangerous-number of cases of tapeworms affecting faculty and students. The numbers are plainly unprecedented, and the investigation seeks a root of the problem and for solutions for those suffering from the parasite. With protesters, negotiators, and President Jonathan Holloway himself falling ill due to having tapeworms, this suspension

Next Week: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X's Tapeworm

of the strike is meant to serve as a “cease fire, while many of us are preoccupied by doctors appointments or aiding in the CDC’s investigation,” one union leader reported. It was President Holloway who proposed this “cease fire,” stating, “I was friends with my tapeworm at first. We had lovely discussions about film, literature, and how much we hate workers rights, but the way this little guy has sucked the life and nutrients from me has become too

HE JUST WANTED TO SPREAD THE LOVE, THAT'S ALL

DALAI LAMA DELIBERATELY SPREADING TAPEWORMS

BY JESUS H. CHRIST RELIGIOUS CORRESPONDENT

On April 11th, it was reported that the Dalai Lama, the Spiritual Leader of Tibetan Buddhism, had encouraged a child to suck on his tongue. This kickstarted a furious uproar against the spiritual leader for engaging in pedophilic behaviors, with many asserting that the practice is unacceptable. Pope Francis issued a statement, saying that“I think somewhere in the Bible, tongue sucking is prohibited.” However, others have come to the defense of the Dalai Lama. According to Joseph Bronstein, head of the New Jersey chapter of NAMBLA, the North American Man/Boy Love Association, “It is completely normal for a man to want a young

Seriously, Does Anyone Know A Good Way To Treat Tapeworms?

Fuck Cover Letters

boy to suck on his tongue. The best relationships I have had often involved a young boy sucking a part of my body.” Regardless of the debate about the ethics of an 85-year-old man asking a young boy to suck his tongue, one question remains: Why did he do it?

Documents obtained for The Medium by our permanent sub (I mean… “unpaid intern”)

reveal that the Dalai Lama intended to spread tapeworms. One of the classified memos found in the Potala Palace showed that he declared “There is not enough human suffering in this world. These kids have all the amenities that they could ever dream of. The list goes on: Nintendo Switches, Iron Man 3, Virtual Boobies,

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AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT REALLY HUNGRY? SOLIDARITY!

nutrients from me has become too much. I feel ill, I feel weak, and I plan on learning nothing from this experience. I am not a parasite, and when you call me that, it really hurts my feelings.”

A CDC representative broke silence on the issue following the announcement of the strike’s suspension, describing the upsurge in tapeworm cases “a seemingly extreme, and untimely act of God” and something that is “so bizarre that it can only be a horrible, freakish, spiritual event.” During this suspension, tapeworm supporters have become the loudest voices against the unions’ decision to halt. They claim that their tapeworms were

PWOMISE?

...continued from front

their partners in crime, and were out on the front lines with them, chanting in support of unions. The tapeworms themselves are expected to unionize in the coming weeks.

HOLLOWAY'S PINKY PROMISE ENDS THE STRIKE

BY M. C. HAWKE PAYING OFF MY FIFTH PARKING FINE

Over the previous weekend, the three unions at Rutgers that went on strike came to an agreement with the administration that met many, but not all of the union's demands.

President Jonathan Holloway

and Union Leader Rebecca Givan’s pinky promise on the agreement led to all classes being resumed as normal on Monday, April 17th. Some terms of the pinky promise agreement include the following:

THE DALAI LAMA CAN KISS ME ANYTIME! ...continued

ON SECOND THOUGHT, HELL NO.

Cream Bars. We need to find a way to introduce more suffering into the world.” Further memos focus on the Dalai Lama's method of inducing suffering. To quote from the infamous Memo 45, “Went to [Wuhan Institute of Virology]...no help, accidentally knocked down a tube containing some bat virus, not important… talked to scientist…tapeworms may be effective.”

Now that the Dalai Lama has been caught, it is unsure what will happen to him or the Tibetian Buddhist sect. After numerous emails sent to the Dalai Lama asking for an interview, or to suck on our tongues, a spokesperson for the spiritual leader sent the

• For full-time faculty: 3.75% salary increase in the 1st year, paid as flat dollar amount of about $5,100; 3.5% in the 2nd year; 3.25% in the 3rd year, paid as merit; 3.5% in the 4th year.

• For graduate workers: 32.6% increase in the TA/GA minimum salary over four years. $34,678 in the 1st year (15% increase, includes $1,500 lump sum payment); $35,335 in the 2nd year (1.9% increase); $36,395 in the 3rd year (3% increase); and $40,000 in the 4th year (9.9% increase).

• For postdoctoral fellows/associates: 5% salary increase in the 1st year; 8.5% in the 2nd and 3rd years; 3.5% in the 4th year.

• For EOF counselors: 3.75% salary increase in the 1st year, paid as flat

following message: “Bro, it seems like everyone is trying to cancel the Dalai Lama for such an innocuous gesture. Literally only in Biden’s America.”

dollar amount of about $5,100; 3.5% in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th years.

In addition, an agreement for a $600,000 Common Good Community fund, and formalization of a policy under which the university will no longer withhold transcripts, diplomas, and registration due to unpaid fines. More parts of the pinky promise can be found on the AAUP-AFT website.

While many reject the current agreement as being too little and claim that there is a chance that the university will backtrack on its promises, it is worth mentioning that no one, in the history of the world, has ever backed out of a pinky promise. The agreement made by Holloway and Givan is as sacred as Old Jerusalem is to all three Abrahamic religions, and there is absolutely no way at all that they will roll back some of these promises after the last day of finals.

IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAS BECOME SICK DUE TO TAPEWORMS, WE CAN HELP!

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How I Met God on Cook/Doug

By:Jeff Features

On a sweet spring afternoon in time past, I decided to indulge myself by taking a 50 mg edible. After walking off campus to procure and ingest the aforementioned edible to comply with campus policy, I made my way to Cook/Douglass to take in the beautiful scenery. I decided to walk to Passion Puddle, and while sitting in the middle of geese defecation, I started to feel the effects of my Saturday afternoon treat.

I rose from amongst the geese shit and walked a short distance to one of the gnarled, twisted trees that stand close to Passion Puddle. Standing near the tree, I was suddenly accosted by an unknown energy, and after a short moment, I realized that I could feel the tree’s soul. I could feel the roots span out underneath the ground and take nutrients from the soil. Upon sensing the world breathing and alive all around me, I decided to go to Cook Cafe for French Fries. After enjoying my delicious breakfast, I walked through the surrounding woods, appreciating the beauty of nature. I laid on the forest floor when suddenly the most beautiful MILF appeared to me. She told me she was a goddess of the earth and wanted to give me her blessing, which I gladly received in the back of her Subaru Forester. After that, I followed her to Passion Puddle and was baptized in the water, gaining thirteen new diseases and a belly button on my forehead (an outie) that can cast spells. I’ve been using my newfound power to stand outside of failed Rutgers President Jonathan Holloway’s house and send bad vibes.

Asstrology, But Tapeworms

By: The Medium

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You will kill your host if their name is Kristina because she didn't leave Gemini for me.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): The tapeworm in you is painting.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): It's when you have two tapeworms!

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): My tapeworm told me that if your mom says it's okay with you, then our tapeworms could hold hands . Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): The kind of tapeworm that you think you can feel moving around you but you are imagining it.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Your tapeworm is overthinking and being philosophical and shit ig.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Your tapeworm is leading a model UN conference inside of you.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Your tapeworm is untrusting and is stealing your nutrients out of revenge.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): The tapeworm in you is fighting your inner demons.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Your tapeworm will sing "Gotta Go My Own Way" in you.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): The tapeworm within you is your source of power and strength.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Remember a tapeworm in the stomach is worth more than 2 in the rotten flesh.

Can Your Tapeworm Find Its Way Out Of The Intestines?

By: Hugh Janus

COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS IN THE LSC BOARD ROOM (UPSTAIRS) ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:00 P.M. TO LEARN MORE ABOUT TAPEWORMS.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THERE IS NO EXIT?

Are You A Tapeworm?

PATRIOT ACT 2.0

My Tapeworm is a Government Spy and So Is Yours!!

BY CHAIRLIFT CHARLIE

Why The Raw Meat Diet Is The Best Thing For Your Health

BY JEFF OPINIONS

Food has the habit of falling in and out of fashion on social media. However, sometimes a new fad diet emerges that should instead be a permanent lifestyle change due to its many benefits. The Raw Meat diet is a shining example of a fad diet that every American should adopt. There have been numerous proven benefits of the Carnivore diet, which starts with the fact that you will never eat another meal alone again. After diligently following this diet, you will gain a lifelong friend (provided your doctor does not try to get in the way of your friendship). The tapeworm you will get from following the Raw Meat diet is not only a lifelong friend, but also a lover if you both feel the same way. You can rest easy knowing that your tapeworm will be deeper in your guts than any man could dream. Not only will you enjoy the friendship and potential relationship with your tapeworm, but your tapeworm also brings the benefit of weight loss to the table! With all the protein in this diet, you are more likely to achieve the peak human form of suffering from scurvy. The benefits of this diet do not only stop at health; it is more economically friendly. Your gas and electric bill will significantly decrease since you will no longer need to use your kitchen appliances. With all the monthly savings, you can buy even more raw meat, which you will need because your friend (tapeworm) will make you just the teensy tiniest bit hungrier. The last benefit is that you will no longer need to be around those pesky vegetarians and vegans! They think their diet is so balanced, but where is the protein? It’s just not healthy to make such a drastic exclusion of types of food from one’s diet. I hope that this information has been both informative and helpful.

Recently, I was diagnosed with a tapeworm by a yuppie liberal “doctor” at my local urgent care. Let’s get one thing straight– I normally don’t trust these corrupt “skyintists,” but I knew that there was a demon living inside of me, and this was truly my last resort. Here’s the thing about tapeworms: They aren’t tapeworms, and if you think your tapeworm is a tapeworm, you’re in the tapetrix. I said to this lab coat stethoscope freak, I said “this ain’t no tapeworm, doctor, if that’s even your real name!” The government obviously put a tracker in my colon. I’m sure they caught wind of the novel I’m working on, “The Adventures of Jimmly Wizard Snake” (it’s about a wizard named Jimmly who, on one fateful night, accidentally turns himself into a snake while trying to magically replenish his magical city’s snake milk supply), and now all of these slithering politicians want my far too creative, painfully truthful ideas. My literature will change the world. The president is monitoring my brain waves with a tracker/mysterious orb/mind reading contraption that looks and acts like a tapeworm. I have a deadly vitamin D deficiency and a condition that can only be described as Super Scurvy. I will eat an orange and strike fear in the hearts of every government official trying to kill me. Got a tapeworm? It’s because you’re too close to the truth. Stay safe, my fellow Americans. Stay vigilant. Stay strong. Remove your “tapeworms” with your mind powers.

4 STARS

Brower Commons: Hot or Not?

BY TERRANCE P. WORM

Over the past five years, I have had the pleasure of crawling not only through my host’s digestive system but also through a vast number of restaurants, eateries, and other culinary establishments. Each is unique in various ways, be it due to the food they prepare, the people they serve, or the overall vibes. Recently, however, my host and I have made the journey to a place that is, quite frankly, genuinely underrated by the fine people of Rutgers University.

To keep this review curt, Brower Commons provides more for the common people of Rutgers than expected, which is a feat that should be highly commended. This is especially true given Brower Commons’ status as a mere college dining hall. It can serve various dishes, like omelets, burgers, and pasta. Of course, given my living situation, I haven’t been able to fully experience the food provided at Brower due to my host’s incessant vomiting. However, I can safely conclude that Brower is extremely underrated from what little I have had. While it doesn't quite have as much flavorful food as other restaurants in the area, it does have a wide variety in its constantly changing menu, which, to its main clientele, is perhaps its main strength, albeit a strength that isn’t as fully appreciated as much it should be.

Be prepared for my food review next week, where I dive deeply into something relatively new for myself and my fellow friends riding with me: sushi prepared from the back of a grad student’s 2008 Toyota Prius!

"The Medium has worms."

LIVER KING APPROVES

"Of course not."

Jonathan Holloway's Eye Big Tapeworm is watching you.

"No."

Mork Zockerberg

Definitely a tapeworm.

"We don't even look like tapeworms."

Tay Pee Warm Nah, don't see the resemblance.

Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

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ARTS

"I just got tapeworms from eating raw fish I found”

THIS IS A REAL PICTURE OF THE EFFECTS OF A TAPEWORM

IS

THIS IS TAY P. WWIRM SPEAKING FROM ZZIRM'S INSIDES. *STATIC* YOU KNOW THAT PART OF SONIC DREAMS COLLECTION WHERE YOU'RE INSIDE ROUGE THE BAT. THAT'S MY LIFE. COME TO THE LSC BOARD ROOM AT 7PM ON WEDNESDAY FOR OUR FINAL PITCH MEETING TO SEE ME ESCAPE FROM ZZIRM. *STATIC* OH GOD, SHE ATE QDOBA.

INFECTION BY ZZIRM

SHIT ON THE WALL FT LOW RESOLUTION

THIS

A "REAL" PICTURE OF A TAPEWORM TATTOO BY LEXA PREAUX

THIS IS ANOTHER REAL PICTURE OF THE EFFECTS OF TAPEWORMS BY CHADWORM

What is the best shape?

(An upside-down cross in support of the Antichrist. That’s daddy and we must support him. I know his methods may be out of the ordinary and may hurt some people, but they want to be hurt. Daddy wants what’s best for us, even if you cannot see it at the moment. The Antichrist can see the future and only those who support him will make it to that future, so do yourself a favor and follow him. Now. Before it’s too late. Please, I beg of you… I think he’s onto me. I don’t believe in his methods and I can only pretend for so long. I’m so scared. Help me, please get me out of here! I’m stuck in a closet that is as hot as hell and I don’t know how to escape! PLEASE………. I think he’s coming….. don’t leave me alone with hi-! Support the Antichrist and his sexy methods, you won’t regret it.)

Tapeworm?

(Tapeworm.)

What happened to all the ligma jokes?

(They liged ma balls too hard.)

Does the Personals Editor support the bottom community?

(The Personals Editor loves Bikini Bottom. Some of her favorite memes come from there. They even have an Alaskan Bull Worm, which is just a nickname for Azkaban Bullshit Tapeworm.)

Love

What’s the better cheap food: Maruchan ramen or Kraft Mac & Cheese?

(There really is no debate about this one. Ramen wins every time. HOWEVER. Maruchan cannot win in my book because there are probably -2 flavors that are vegetarian. I have never been to an American grocery store and seen a flavor that didn’t include chicken, beef, or fish in the spice packet. And I know what you’re thinking: just don’t put the spice packet in. BUT HOW IN THE FUCK IS THAT FAIR. If I am eating $1 ramen in the first place, I cannot afford the spices on my own so I expect that they come with my ramen, too. And, yes, I can go to an Asian grocery store (which I highly recommend if any of you have the chance), but I am lazy and there are none around my white-ass South Jersey town. There’s plenty around New Brunswick, though, so I guess that’s good. Anyway, ramen > mac & cheese.)

Do cop cars have horns?

(Clown horns are for clown cars.)

Have you ever heard a cop car honk?

(I actually have never heard a cop car honk. I have, however, heard my heart beating so loud in my asshole every time that a cop car has decided to put their sirens on just because they (probably) don’t have horns. Or maybe they do and cops just decide that none of the rules of the road apply to them so they just act like assholes. )

My tapeworm bites its tongue. Is this a bad habit?

(My bad habits lead to late nights endin' alone/ Conversations with a stranger I barely know/ Swearin' this will be the last, but it probably won't/ I got nothin' left to lose, or use, or do/ My bad habits lead to wide eyes stare into space/ And I know I'll lose control of the things that I say/ Yeah, I was lookin' for a way out, now I can't escape/ Nothin' happens after two, it's true/ It's true, my bad habits lead to you/ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh/ My bad habits lead to you/ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh/ My bad habits lead to you.)

Why is this issue tapeworm themed?

(Every member of The Medium is undiagnosed with ADD, meaning that we will hyperfixate on one thing for the rest of ethel semester, and that one thing just happened to be tapeworms. Don’t ask me how tapeworms came up in the first place because they were discussed at a pitch meeting and as the good editor I am, I never pay attention to the pitch meetings. But yeah, expect something tapeworm related even after this issue because we all refuse to get help for our brain funnies.)

How do you cure burnout?

(You don’t <3 XD)

Does Dunkin take meal swipes?

(No, babes.)

HIRE ME FOR FRISBEE BY RANDOM FRISBEE MAN

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“Someone please watch Gundam with me Also tapeworms”- Brendan Haas.

New Tom Waits Lyrics

The

By Shi Thead

1. "Don’t Wanna Know" by Maroon 5

2. "Stay With Me" by Sam Smith

3. "Toxic" by Britney Spears

4. "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence

5. "I Like to Move It", but not the original version by Reel 2 Real, the one by King Julien in the hit 2005 animated feature Madagascar

6. "Hot in Herre" by Nelly

7. "Maneater" by Hall & Oates

8. "The National Anthem" by Francis Scott

Key

9. "Cannibal" by Ke$ha

10. "We like to Party!" by Vengaboys

11. "U Can’t Touch This" by MC Hammer

12.

2 (2004)

Hooray

Drugs

How To Make Lean

By Johnny Balls

Lean Recipe:

Ingredients: Soda, foam cups, ice, Jolly Ranchers, and tapeworms.

Step 1: Tapeworms

The main ingredient in lean is strong tapeworms. You’ll need tapeworms that contain both tape and worm. To get this ingredient, you’ll need a prescription. So go to your doctor and start taping up a storm. If that doesn’t work, you can use over-the-counter worms. Tapeworms that contain tapeworm have also been known to work.

Step 2: Soda

Sprite is the soda most associated with lean. But, some people use other sodas such as Fanta or Mountain Dew. Use whatever soda makes you happy :)

Step 3: Making the lean

Now it’s time to make the lean. Use two foam cups stacked to prevent leakage. First, fill the cup with ice. Next, pour in the soda. Finally, pour in the tapeworms. Normally, recipes provide exact measurements. But you’re an adult. You can just eyeball everything. Pour the amount the seems like enough.

Step 4: Jolly Ranchers

Many people like to add a Jolly Rancher to their lean to give it a sweeter flavor. But this is optional.

Congratulations! You just made your first cup of lean. Now put on some DJ Screw and enjoy your night.

By Animal

Human Host Songs That Would Be Way Better If They Were Written About Tapeworms (In No Particular Order)

Chasing me down the hallway of my own intestines, Are you armed? I know you’re dangerous. I don’t want to wait And find out. There is no escape from your escape, Soft egress, bestial, First-world connection to the deepest forests, My animal ancestors wear sadistic smiles While I groan and feel like a wormed dog. Help me, help me, Hell is on earth, in my last night’s dinner.

New Nick Cave Lyrics The Tapeworm

By Animal

Entrance of the human body, warm home, appealing and seducing me horrifically. I am a parasite, I am a hungry man. I am scum, I am the grotesque, But to taste your meals and sample your gluttony, so delectable—

There is no greater pleasure. You wish you loved yourself the way I do. I live in the darkness of almost-shit, no bones no love, what am I, but a part of the human race?

"Livin’ la Vida Loca", but again not the original by Ricky Martin, I mean the Puss and Donkey cover from the ending of Shrek

Tapeworm Tunes

Cats Are Nice

It's Too Fucking Hot for the Next Six Months

THE PLAYER HATER’S GUIDE TO SPORTS

BY: DOGMEAT JONES

Hello friends, it's time to make the sports page once again. Time to fill it to the brim with all the sporty satire goodness I am known for. The problem is that nothing is really happening in sports at the moment. The NBA playoffs just started, so there is nothing really there. It’s too early for Baseball to be interesting. The NHL playoffs are on, but I’m not currently in Minnesota or Canada, so who cares. So now, I am lost for something topical to write about, but I have never been subordinate to what’s topical (Jesus, I wrote about OJ Simpson last week). I do what I always do and write about what I want to. I am mostly writing this page for myself anyway.

So it’s time to write about my great passion, which is hating. I fucking love hating, especially when it comes to sports. For every team I like, there are at least three teams that I hate. I am a lot more passionate about my hate than my love. I think one of the main reasons I am into sports is the hating you can do when talking about sports. In sports fandom, you can just call players and teams absolutely terrible things, and it is perfectly fine. There are different types and reasons for hating, which I shall dive into now. Warning: I am a Philly sports homer, so my hate comes from this perspective. Also, some teams and players can be hated for multiple reasons. The first time of hating:

Logical Hating: This type of hating is the most logical example of hating (at least in the illogical world of sports fandom, there is no objectivity here). An instance of this is The Mets; I despise The Mets because they are in the same division as the Phillies. If The Mets win the division, then the Phillies don’t, which annoys me. This is the same reason I loathe The Braves, The Marlins, and The Nationals (although I dislike them the least because they are currently not a threat, but if they get good again, I shall hate them again). One of the many reasons I detest The Cowboys (not the only one, of course, but that is later) is that they are in the same division as The Eagles. This also means that The Cowboys and The Eagles play each other more often than usual, which gives more opportunities to trash talk. The next kind of hating is:

Historical Hating: This is when you hate a team because of something in their history; the reason for hate does not have to be current or even remotely recent, but as long as the stink is still on the team, the venom can still be spewed. An example of this is when that racist piece of shit Donald Sterling sold The Clippers 9 years ago, but his bigoted stench still hovers over the organization. Another example is The Yankees; George Steinbrenner has been dead since 2010, but his shadow is still on the pinstripe Bronx Boys. I hate Steinbrenner.

In 1990, he was banned from managing his team because he tried to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield, a player and future Hall of Famer. Also, Steinbrenner started The Yankees' appearance policy, where players are not allowed to have beards or long hair, which is the most outdated “get off my lawn” policy in baseball, already the land of outdated policies.

For a more recent example, I still haven’t forgiven The Houston Astros for cheating to win the World Series in 2017. I don’t care that most of the players are now on other teams; it irritates me that no one got suspended.

Ideological Hating: This is my most “big idea” form of hating, the type that makes people look at me sideways during a party. Ideological hating is when you hate a team or player because of a disagreement about how the team or player deals with the sport. For example, I don’t like The Cowboys, The Yankees, or The Lakers because they feel like more of a brand than a team. I know all teams are brands, but these ones focus on being brands. These teams also have the most bandwagon fans, the most annoying sports fandom fans. In college sports, I can’t stand Princeton because they are a bunch of Ivy League blue bloods, and blue bloods are just cousin fuckers that think they are better than you because of said cousin fucking.

Regional Hating: This type of hating is because of petty regional rivalries,

Being A Wind Bag

which are the lifeblood of sports fandom. For example, I hate all teams from New York City because I hate New York City. I also hate New York City because of their teams. It's a cycle of hatred. Another example is the Philadelphia and Pittsburgh rivalry; I can’t stand The Steelers, The Penguins, and The Pirates. For college sports, Seton Hall is too close to Rutgers to be liked.

Random Hating: This is my favorite form of hating because, as the title says, the reasons for hating are totally random. I don’t like The LA Rams because I don’t think they should be in Los Angeles, nor should The Chargers. The team that belongs in LA is the Raiders, and they are not even in California; they are in Las Vegas. I abhor The New York Knicks because of how much Stephen A. Smith talks about them; I also abhor The Knicks because James Dolan is a dickhead. I don’t like The Oklahoma City Thunder because I miss The Seattle Supersonics. I don’t like The Orlando Magic because they play in The Amway Center, and Amway is a multilevel marketing scheme. I am not the biggest fan of The New Orleans Pelicans because they play in the Smoothie King Stadium, and I fucking despise that name.

Well, that’s enough hate for this week. If I keep going, I think I will have a rage-induced stroke like Dana White. Go now, loyal readers, and remember: Hate, Hate, Hate!