I love the Redwoods. There is nothing on this great planet so awe-inspiring as standing at the immense base of a 300-foot tree and straining just to see the crown. These magnificent trees, many of which have stood a millennium, are - to me - almost proof alone that a divine force exists. Living among the redwoods was definitely one of the considering reasons I moved to Eureka, California, before my children were born. When my oldest, Daniel, was less than three, we would frequent a local park, embedded in a redwood forest. Although Eureka will never be known for heat spells (the redwoods grow here because they need fog), my son inevitably wanted to find a shady place to rest after exhausting us fighting invisible “bad guys” on the trampoline and slide. Since the nearest shady location was the public lavatory, I remember him pointing to that small isolated building and requesting we get some shade “in that little house.” I looked toward the rest rooms and thought about this request. The idea of spending time on a cement floor among steel toilets and industrial sinks to rejuvenate us Prologue & Dedication
i
seemed to be a bit odd. That however would not be the perspective of a two year old; attaching no particular ambience to public rest rooms. I, as an adult, found the thought unappealing. But to be honest I didn’t have a reason - short of the obvious (at least to grown-ups) - as to why I didn’t want to go relax among the scent and sights of stalls and urinals. Since my son was still diaperclad and did not yet need the use of the local facilities, his need for the rest room was non-existent. “The shade is better in the trees,” I said, pointing a few hundred yards away to the forest that ringed the park. “Let’s go there instead.” Faced with the immediate closeness of the outhouse or the far-flung distance of the greenery, his decision was instant. He shook his head, “I’d rather get shade in the little house.” “No,” I repeated, “I really think it’s better in the trees.” “Why?” came the common question from the ever-inquisitive, small man. Aside from the unappealing environment of a public toilet, I really could not provide a reason. I thought of how many times over the years I needed the refuge of shade and had found it in the shadow of a garage, next to a Prologue & Dedication ii
house, or even next to parked truck. Although I guess one could technically say, “shade is shade is shade,” and there was no difference, many of my fondest memories involve sitting under a grand aged oak tree in Michigan on hot sunny days talking with my friends. There seemed a soft, refreshing, coolness and even a safety not provided by anything else - under those leaves. That tree not only shaded, it cooled and watched over us. Its long curving branches and sturdy trunk provided a safe haven from a world we as children were yet to face. For the first time in a very long time, I thought about those carefree days and decided my son needed to share in those memories. It was strange that my son, who had been on this planet less than 1,000 days, had brought decades-old memories back to me. I smiled softly, turned to him and said, “Remember this always: the shade of a tree is the very best shade there is. That is why we want to walk to the forest.” As if this little toddler, wearing nothing but a tee shirt and a wad of diaper, could understand the memories and feelings associated with my reasoning, he took one last look back at the outhouse, turned toward the forest, and together, his hand grabbing my index finger, we
Prologue & Dedication
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walked - father and son - into the shade of the redwoods. To this day, both my sons (now grown) will tell you, “The shade of a tree is the very best shade there is.� To Daniel and Brandon, my sons, who have reminded me of the colorful sweetness of age, I dedicate this book. Thank you for all you have given me. I cannot put into words how much pride I have when I look at you. I look forward to our next chapters for decades to come. Find shade whenever you can. I love you.
September, 2003 Dear Reader: I hope you enjoy my collection of thoughts. Should you wish to share your feelings - or need to contact me, please do so at 707.442.6243 or scottq@scottqmarcus.com. Thank you.
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T
he shade of a tree is the very best shade there is.
B
elieve that everything happens for the best.
The Shade of a Tree
2
I
f you can't have faith, have hope. If you don’t have hope, have patience. If you’re short on patience, have good friends.
The Shade of a Tree
3
W
illpower is not the ability to say “No,” It’s the
ability to say “not right now.” Use it when in doubt. You can always change your mind later.
The Shade of a Tree
4
U
nderstand no matter how well you plan, you will still face obstacles. But failing to plan creates even more obstacles.
The Shade of a Tree
5
R
ealize that even love might cause some pain. Lack of love will definitely cause much pain.
The Shade of a Tree
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N
ever borrow without asking. If you do borrow, return it on time and in the same condition you borrowed it.
The Shade of a Tree
7
R
espect other people’s boundaries, both physical and emotional.
The Shade of a Tree
8
T
ake a moment each day to realize how fortunate you are – especially when it doesn’t seem like it.
The Shade of a Tree
9
W
hen you don’t know what to do, it’s OK to
take some time to think about it.
The Shade of a Tree
10
Y
ou don’t need to know all the answers. Admit it when you don’t. Seek to find out.
The Shade of a Tree
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I
t is wiser to underpromise and overdeliver than the opposite.
The Shade of a Tree
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N
ever use more than one credit card at a time. Always pay it in full.
The Shade of a Tree
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D
onate something to charity each month; even it’s only your time.
The Shade of a Tree
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B
uy small gifts for people – especially when they don’t expect them. Remember you’re “a people” too.
The Shade of a Tree
15
W
atch small children; they are the most
“real� of all of us. Learn from them. Never consider yourself too mature to act child-like. But not childish.
The Shade of a Tree
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C
all your father. He will always “be there.� But not necessarily on your timetable.
The Shade of a Tree
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U
nderstand that even the best relationships cause some pain. But if the pain is too great, you have a right to leave – with dignity and grace.
The Shade of a Tree
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B
efore you leave a relationship, tell the other person in advance. Give them an opportunity to correct the problem. Be patient while they try.
The Shade of a Tree
19
R
ealize that you too will be the source of problems in relationships. Don’t feel guilty about it – but work on yourself as much as you ask others to do the same.
The Shade of a Tree
20
T
herapy is the “tune up” that keeps your emotional and spiritual engine running well. Don’t be ashamed to see a counselor. Start when you don’t yet need to.
The Shade of a Tree
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D
on’t mess with your mortgage or the IRS.
The Shade of a Tree
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E
very day do one thing that makes you uncomfortable but helps you reach your goals.
The Shade of a Tree
23
R
emember, “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always be where you’ve always been.” In other words, when you get tired of walking into walls, look for a door.
The Shade of a Tree
24
I
t is acceptable to change your mind. Just make sure you tell others who will be affected. Realize they might disagree. If that happens, listen to what they say; they just might be right.
The Shade of a Tree
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D
on’t wait to do something “when things settle down.” They will only “settle down” at the end of your life. When that happens, it won’t matter anymore.
The Shade of a Tree
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A
sk questions more than give answers. Listen without judgment to the reply.
The Shade of a Tree
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W
hen hiring, choose people who you think
are smarter and better than you. Then, learn from them. It’s a sign of YOUR skill if you have a great staff – NOT if you can do it the best.
The Shade of a Tree
28
G
ive credit to others. Accept responsibility for yourself. Never pass blame.
The Shade of a Tree
29
R
emember you cannot control anybody but yourself. If you try, you’ll drive both of you crazy.
The Shade of a Tree
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D
on’t let anybody else run your life. However, if you let somebody else into your life, expect that they’re going to want to help steer. Let them.
The Shade of a Tree
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I
f you ever find yourself saying, “I told you 1,000 times…” that means you’re not communicating. It does not mean they are not listening.
The Shade of a Tree
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R
ealize many times anger is a mask for sadness or fear. Take time to understand which one is really happening. Anger pushes others away. Fear causes you to move away. Sadness indicates a need to be close. Respond appropriately.
The Shade of a Tree
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M
ost times, wisdom is found in the silence,
not the talking.
The Shade of a Tree
34
W
ealth and success are the natural results of
treating others with integrity, honesty, patience, and love. Do not pursue the former; do the latter.
The Shade of a Tree
35
T
he true measure of honesty is what you do when no one else is looking. Many times, its rewards seem invisible. They never are.
The Shade of a Tree
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M
ake sure every financial deal rewards
all concerned as much as possible. If it’s not in balance for all, walk away. It will eventually fall apart anyway.
The Shade of a Tree
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U
nderstand that giving takes more strength than taking. Do both with grace.
The Shade of a Tree
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Y
ou cannot own something until you say “Thank You” for it. Give thanks for as much as you can; it brings you more.
The Shade of a Tree
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T
here are rules to the universe that cannot be broken nor changed to suit your whims and fantasies. Protesting against them will not help. Instead, learn them and use them wisely.
The Shade of a Tree
40
T
he key to happiness is to understand that a “good” life is not a “perfect” life. It is simply a good life “more times than not.” Strive to make it “many more times than not” but understand that there will still be “nots.”
The Shade of a Tree
41
T
ake time to be alone more often than you think you need to. Know that “alone” is not “lonely” – unless you choose to make it so.
The Shade of a Tree
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G
o to a movie by yourself once in awhile. Go out of town by yourself at least once a year – even if it’s only for a day.
The Shade of a Tree
43
T
ip well. Pay more than the minimum. But don’t be extravagant.
The Shade of a Tree
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I
f you violate someone’s trust, ask what you can do. If nothing is possible, accept it with dignity and apologize.
The Shade of a Tree
45
T
here is always another choice. You just might not like the choice.
The Shade of a Tree
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W
hen in a crisis, it’s better to ask “HOW
do I get out of here?” rather than “WHY am I here?” When the crisis is over, figure out why.
The Shade of a Tree
47
P
eople will love you even if you make mistakes. They just expect you to admit them and to try and correct them.
The Shade of a Tree
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B
efore getting angry, ask, “Will anybody really know or care about this five years from now?” If the answer is “no,” take a deep breath and relax. Most things will be “no.”
The Shade of a Tree
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C
heck your body language regularly. If you’re not smiling, do so. If you find that you’re frowning a great deal, seek help.
The Shade of a Tree
50
R
ealize that no matter how far away your father is physically, I am part of you spiritually.
The Shade of a Tree
51
R
unning your own life will not be as easy as you like. But it will be easier than you expect.
The Shade of a Tree
52
L
ook for your successes but don’t deny your “failures.” Realize that it’s how you label them that matters.
The Shade of a Tree
53
W
hen your children (or employees) do
something wrong, don’t break the spirit, change the behavior.
The Shade of a Tree
54
Y
ou have all the resources you need to accomplish whatever you want. Realize everyone else does too. Help each person find his or hers. Ask for help in using yours.
The Shade of a Tree
55
H
elp as many people as you can along your way. Remember those who helped you when you’ve “made it.” Thank them regularly. Help others in their fashion.
The Shade of a Tree
56
K
eep an appointment book (or computer) and check it regularly. If you’re going to be more than 10 minutes late (or early), call. If others are within ten minutes, consider them “on time.”
The Shade of a Tree
57
T
here is no such thing as "failure", merely "feedback." But you might have to change your view (a lot!) to sometimes see it that way.
The Shade of a Tree
58
T
he road to success sometimes seems like a four lane superhighway with traffic moving at 70 miles per hour on a sunny day. At times, it seems like a two-lane highway in rush hour on a cloudy morning. Periodically, it will be a third-world goat trail in a tropical downpour and all you have is a machetes. But, you are never off the path.
The Shade of a Tree
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Y
ou are physical, logical, emotional, and spiritual. Use all parts as often as you can.
The Shade of a Tree
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W
alk whenever possible.
The Shade of a Tree
61
B
uy a great bicycle – and use it.
The Shade of a Tree
62
R
ealize that time goes by amazingly fast. Use it well. Don’t fear its passing.
The Shade of a Tree
63
T
o forgive is more powerful than to condemn.
The Shade of a Tree
64
B
alance your checkbook every month. Always know how much money you have in your checking account, your wallet, and on your credit card.
The Shade of a Tree
65
T
alk to older people. Their views will be different but they have wisdom you can use. Besides, someday you will be in those shoes.
The Shade of a Tree
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L
isten to as many ideas as you can. Even if you don’t use it, you don’t have the option if you don’t listen to it.
The Shade of a Tree
67
C
hicken is healthier than Beef. Soy is healthier than Chicken. Vegetables are healthier if they’re not fried. Try fish once in awhile – even if it’s just tuna.
The Shade of a Tree
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I
f your long term relationship seems like all work and no play for a long time, it’s in trouble. If it’s all play and no work for a long time, it’s not real – and it won’t last when things get tough. (And all relationships have tough times.)
The Shade of a Tree
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T
here are two laws in the universe: Gravity and the 80/20 Rule. Eighty percent of all results will come from 20% of all the effort. Learn to identify that 20%.
The Shade of a Tree
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P
rioritize. Understand you cannot do it all. No one can. Be patient when they don’t.
The Shade of a Tree
71
W
hat you are feeling right now is real. It is
no one’s job to change what you feel or tell you it’s not real. That said, someone else’s take on your feelings might be valuable.
The Shade of a Tree
72
N
obody makes anybody feel anything. We learn to react to events by feeling certain ways. We can learn to react differently if we want to. It won’t always be easy but it might be worth it.
The Shade of a Tree
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T
he learning process evolves. We get better at it the more we do it.
The Shade of a Tree
74
Y
our attitude shows – even if you think it’s hidden. Don’t deny it. Strive to make it positive more times than not.
The Shade of a Tree
75
Y
our life will be made of the total of all the behaviors you choose. Your behaviors will be made based on your attitude. Your attitude is made from your feelings. Your feelings are made from your thoughts. Therefore, to make your life happier, make your thoughts happier.
The Shade of a Tree
76
L
earn from each person with whom you work. I learned the most from those I thought I’d learn the least.
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A
positive attitude with poor skills is more likely to help you succeed than great skills with a poor attitude. But, work on your skills anyway.
The Shade of a Tree
78
“N
ot to decide” is indeed to make a
decision.
The Shade of a Tree
79
W
hen you meet someone you think is going to be
important in your life, go slowly. Spend your first four dates talking. Never stop listening.
The Shade of a Tree
80
I
n conflict, begin each sentence with “I feel…” rather than “You did…” Don’t interrupt during the reply.
The Shade of a Tree
81
L
ook at conflict not as opposing forces - but as the opportunity to correct a problem.
The Shade of a Tree
82
T
hink in the gray areas. Limiting yourself to black and white ideas will inhibit you.
The Shade of a Tree
83
K
now there is a greater force than your own. Ask for guidance. Be silent long enough to hear the answer.
The Shade of a Tree
84
L
earn about your past before it’s too late. It is a part of you and therefore will help shape your future.
The Shade of a Tree
85
N
o matter what job you do, do it as well as you can. Even if you don’t like it.
The Shade of a Tree
86
A
compliment denied is punishment selfinflicted. Accept compliments graciously. Always say “Thank you.”
The Shade of a Tree
87
G
ive at least as many compliments as you get. Make them sincere.
The Shade of a Tree
88
V
ote! But educate yourself on the issues.
The Shade of a Tree
89
B
e gentler to your brother. He will be your longest relationship. Make it a good and fair one.
The Shade of a Tree
90
K
eep your room cleaner. It doesn’t have to be “neat,” just “cleaner.”
The Shade of a Tree
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O
rganization creates calm.
Decisions terminate panic.
The Shade of a Tree
92
D
on’t let your “big but” get in the way of rewarding yourself. In other words, when you start to realize that you’re making progress, don’t say “but I have so much more to go.” Congratulate yourself on the success. Then move forward.
The Shade of a Tree
93
V
ery rarely – if at all – does anyone want to change. It’s the results of the change that motivate us. Keep your eyes on that; as focusing on the process of change can be frustrating at times.
The Shade of a Tree
94
F
ocus on how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go. But keep moving forward.
The Shade of a Tree
95
Y
ou will never have your "act together" because you will always find new things to work on. But keep working on getting it "together" anyway. Just learn to enjoy the process as much as you can.
The Shade of a Tree
96
C
onserve resources. The universe is unlimited – but that’s no reason to waste it.
The Shade of a Tree
97
C
ook with less oil. Stay away from too much soda. Drink water when you go out to eat. Eat five fruits and vegetables a day. (If it's fried, it doesn't count.)
The Shade of a Tree
98
A
ddictions start quietly and without notice. Don’t be paranoid about them – but do be vigilant.
The Shade of a Tree
99
E
very goal is an unlimited number of smaller goals. When discouraged, break down your goal into smaller goals until you feel you can take a step – no matter how small. Then do so.
The Shade of a Tree
100
T
ake pride in what you do well. But be humble about it. Others will notice if you’re good at something.
The Shade of a Tree
101
I
t’s OK to ask someone to praise you once in awhile. Do the same in response.
The Shade of a Tree
102
S
ex is better when it’s tender and loving. That happens when you know someone better. Take that extra time to do so.
The Shade of a Tree
103
U
nderstand your children will never have been parents before - but you will have been a child. Use that wisdom when you parent.
The Shade of a Tree
104
W
hen you get scared, focus on Today.
Tomorrow will take care of itself.
The Shade of a Tree
105
T
here are tools to life you do not have right now. You will have them when you need them. There are tools you no longer need. It’s OK to let them go.
The Shade of a Tree
106
T
here is a positive intention in everything each person does. Always look for it; although at times, it’s hard to find. But if you can find it, it will help you deal with people better - and enjoy your life more.
The Shade of a Tree
107
I
t’s OK to say “goodbye” to old friends. Do it with dignity and forgiveness (if necessary).
The Shade of a Tree
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F
our words you need to know are “Yes,” “No,” “Ouch,” and “Next.” Learn to use each one well and appropriately.
The Shade of a Tree
109
Y
ou can always come home. But your room will no longer feel the same.
The Shade of a Tree
110
T
ry to remember that as you grow and change, so does everyone around you. Remember that is one of the commonalities that ties us all together.
The Shade of a Tree
111
F
amilies don’t always look the same. You can be part of several at once. You are.
The Shade of a Tree
112
H
onor each culture and every religion. Never put any above any others.
The Shade of a Tree
113
L
earn about money and how it works. Then teach me.
The Shade of a Tree
114
M
oney does not create evil - that is a reflection
of who you are inside. If you treat people well regardless of how much money you have - you will continue to treat people that same way when you have money. Moreover, treating others well will help you earn more money.
The Shade of a Tree
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D
o what you love, the money will follow. There are times in any job where you will not make money. If you love what you do, you will persevere through those times - and ending up making more money in the end.
The Shade of a Tree
116
P
rosperity is not about money. It is about how you feel. Accept prosperity whenever you can; it comes in many forms.
The Shade of a Tree
117
N
ever laugh at the expense of someone else - but laugh whenever possible. You don’t know when you’ll cry.
The Shade of a Tree
118
S
adness can be cleansing. Don’t be afraid of it; it won’t kill you. It might feel like it though.
The Shade of a Tree
119
“S
hould” is the word used by the invisible
committee of “They” to run your life. Do things because you “need to,” “want to,” or because you’d want to be treated the same way if the roles were reversed.
The Shade of a Tree
120
D
on’t swear so much. It makes you appear less intelligent.
The Shade of a Tree
121
W
ords matter; use them well.
Even the little things you say have impact.
The Shade of a Tree
122
T
here is a chain of generation after generation that has come together to help make you who you are. Listen for them when you face doubt. They will not let you down.
The Shade of a Tree
123
L
ook at the world with awe as often as possible. It is possibly the most natural state of being - and therefore brings us closer to who we really are.
The Shade of a Tree
124
D
on’t deny your feelings. But don’t over indulge them either.
The Shade of a Tree
125
D
on’t ever tell your children to do something with the reason being: “Because I’m your father, that’s why!” Take the time to explain the reason. It's more time-consuming but it makes you a better parent. (They still need to do it though - even if they don't agree.)
The Shade of a Tree
126
D
o not spank your children. It only instills fear. Do not confuse that statement with "Do not discipline your children." Never discipline "to get even." Make sure the discipline teaches a constructive lesson.
The Shade of a Tree
127
A
ssume your children will grow up well – but watch over them anyway.
The Shade of a Tree
128
N
ever, ever, touch anybody in a fashion that they don’t want to be touched even if you mean to be loving. "Don't do that" means exactly that.
The Shade of a Tree
129
Y
elling can be as abusive as hitting. Getting louder does not get the message across any better. Quite the contrary, it generates barriers.
The Shade of a Tree
130
B
e compassionate – especially when you don’t want to.
The Shade of a Tree
131
P
erception is reality. If someone feels something - whether or not you do - then they feel it. If you can figure out how to help them feel safe in what they feel, they will do the same with you. And you'll both get what you want.
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132
“M
an plans, God laughs."
Zlate Zelby (1899-1984)
The Shade of a Tree
133
“T
he Greatest Good is in all things at all times.”
Ruth Marcus (1925 - 2000)
The Shade of a Tree
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W
hen your child moves out, take some time to
write down something like this. I don't know if he'll appreciate it but you'll sure feel good.
F
or additional copies of this book - or to learn more about how I might be able to help you when you need a speaker, please contact me at 707.442.6234 or toll free at 866.SMARCUS. You can also reach me at my website: www.scottqmarcus.com. Thank you for purchasing this book. I am flattered and honored, Treat yourself special. Don’t weight to change.
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