My SonShine, My Grief

Grief is a very strong emotion! Grief is as strong as your love! I love very hard, so my grief was devastating!

Labriel was our youngest son, son number 2. He had my face and his father’s height! He was sensitive and stubborn, but he knew what he wanted to do. His goal in life was to compete in the Olympics as a 400 m hurdler and to coach high school track, which he became. Before he got sick, he would have a meal plan that he religiously would adhere to and a physical fitness routine that buffed him up from 170lbs to 230lbs! His coach said that he needed more weight to compete.

He was also a phenomenal bowler! Since the age of 3, it was one of his greatest accomplishments! At the age of 3, I purchased bowling lessons for him because when he was 1 ½ years old, he would take plastic water bottles and line them up in the hall, using a flat girls’ basketball as his bowling ball. He even dug a hole in the ball for his thumb hole. When he went to the first bowling lesson, the teacher said he was too young. I told her that if he couldn’t pay attention and listen to her, I would remove him from the class. That didn’t happen! He passed the class with flying colors, gaining a brand-new bowling ball as part of the completion of the class. The ball was too heavy for his physical size; it took two years until he would grow into using that ball, but he continued to bowl until he could use it! He has many awards and ribbons for all of his athletic achievements.

Labriel was a ‘Mama’s Boy” and he was not ashamed to say it! We were very close, as we talked every day and had dinner every Wednesday night before my bible study. Two years ago, he told me that with all that he was doing, he was still losing weight. I insisted that he go to the doctor, but time passed. After his uncle’s wedding in September 2021, he really started losing weight. Finally, with me, he went to the doctor. After blood was drawn and analyzed, the doctor told us to go directly to the hospital, as it was determined that his kidneys were failing. After the second stay in the hospital, it was determined that he had advance, undiagnosed Valley Fever and COVID-19, putting him on a ventilator.

We held our son’s hand as he transitioned to meet The Lord. Before I held his hand, his hand showed “I love you” in sign language (put up your thumb, index finger and pinkie finger, while keeping your ring finger and your middle finger down). He communicated his love for us before he transitioned. Knowing that the last “words” to us was his love for us captured the very close relationship he had with his family. I will never forget that!

The process of grieving is as individual as each person. Some just move on and at some future point they break. Another would put it in a box and put it on a shelf. Others look to God, lost in their sorrow and pain. I was the latter. I held on to Jesus by a single thread of the hem of His garment. I segregated myself from all that I knew…my church, my volunteering, my friends, in anticipation of hearing from Him. People would text and call, but I didn’t know what to say because I was too devastated to speak. It may have appeared that I was ignoring them, but I wasn’t. I just didn’t know what to say or say what I was feeling.

I would wake up in tears; think of him and cry; or hear a song that

I knew he loved or picture and cry. I still can’t hear Diana Ross’s “Missing You” without tears. I cried so much, and it seemed like I stayed in tears. Sometimes, in my grief, I didn’t feel God’s presence. I felt lost, like in a dark room with no windows and doors. I’m just floating in air, with no direction and no propose. I pretend that I have it together at home or with friends. No one can understand the pain I feel, but lashing out at them is not fair to them. So, I just smile and be patience because I know they loved me.

Some people’s intentions are good, but the pity sayings, like “I’m sorry for your loss” or “he is in a better place” does very little in easing the pain that is in your heart. Those that reached out to me, I truly love. But when I heard those statements, it would leave me to shutter. Instead of those statements, I have learned to ask, “what can I do” or “what do you need?” In the immediate, it helps to know that there are people available to help, such as with final arrangements, help with out-of-town family members coming for the service or meals.

“I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief” 6-6-7a)

During a moment in my grief, The Lord dropped in my spirit that I needed help in guiding my process of adjusting my life with my loss. A friend reached out to me and said that they were starting GriefShare sessions at her church. These sessions helped, with an organized program and participants that shared loss, all with biblical teachings. It was during these sessions and outside study did I get the answers that I needed to give me peace.

The pain won’t last:

“A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer,” (Ecclesiastes 3:4)

God revealed to me that Labriel, at 33 years, 8 months, completed the mission he was created for. He was such a great influence and friend to so many people, as portrayed by the great number of people that attended his Life Celebration ceremony.

Genesis 1:26, “And God made man in His image, in the image of God He made him: male and female He made them” (BBE) Each of us was created in God’s image, for a purpose, with a mission to complete before we leave this earth!

What were you created for? Have you communicated with God to give you guidance? Understanding the loss of Labriel not only gave me peace but it gave me direction and purpose. My purpose was in me all along, but I lacked confidence and dependance on God to complete it. I am working on it…what about you?

Deacon Antwan Beaden-Leach Staff Graphics

Deacon Antwan has been with SARAH Magazine from the beginning. She shares Min. Sheree’s passion for this powerful venue. She is not a professional, but enjoys the challege of learning how to make the magazine better!