CELEBRATION OF LIFE
Denise DeFazio Smith
October 20, 1951 -August 15, 2024
VISITATION
4:00 – 6:00 p.m.
Thursday, August 29, 2024
J. Homer Ball Funeral Home 201 James St. Canastota, New York
MEMORIAL MASS
10:00 – 11:00 a.m.
Friday, August 30, 2024
St. Agatha’s Roman Catholic Church 329 N. Petersboro St. Canastota, NY
REPAST
Theodore’s Restaurant 3232 Seneca Turnpike, Rt. 5 Canastota, NY
Life Sketch
Denise M. Smith, 72, of Oneida, NY passed away on Thursday, August 15, 2024, at her home in the early morning hours. Until her final hours, she was surrounded by her immediate family.
Denise was born in Canastota on October 20, 1951. She was the first child of Joseph DeFazio and Dolores (Neroni) DeFazio. She attended local schools and graduated from Canastota High School in 1969. Denise was well liked and was President of the girls’ club KE Society in her senior year. After graduation, she attended Hudson Valley Community college in Poughkeepsie, NY, earning an associate’s degree.
Denise accepted a position with the Madison County ARC in 1972 and was employed there for 42 years. She started as an aide in the preschool program and upon getting married in June of 1979 to Alden Max Smith of Oneida, she added the position of House parent in the newly created community residence in Wampsville, NY. She was passionate about formerly institutionalized people living happy lives in the community. She and her new husband lived there as an extended family with 10 residents. When she was blessed with the birth of a little girl, that new child expanded the family to 13 souls. Denise ended her career as the Assistant Director of the now Madison Cortland ARC residential program. First and foremost, Denise loved her husband and her two children Julia Spohn of Oneida and Maxwell Smith also of Oneida. She loved Italian food, music of many genres, and traveling on vacations which she planned extensively.
Left to mourn and cherish precious memories of Denise M. Smith are:
Her husband of 46 years, Max Smith
Two children: Julia Dolores Spohn of Oneida and Maxwell Joseph Smith of Oneida.
Three grandchildren: Micah Spohn, Nolan Spohn and Lucia Spohn. A brother, Joseph DeFazio of Sherrill, NY
A sister-in-law, Loleta Dorsett and son Jerry of Oneida.
An Aunt Eleanor (Peggy) DeFazio of Canastota, an Uncle Frederick Meyers formerly of Canastota and four nieces and one nephew.
Extended family:
The DeFazio family of Canastota
The Jenkins and Corpin families of New York
The Moncur Family in the Bahamas, the United States of America, and Europe.
Her many school friends and professional colleagues Denise will be remembered for her kindness and her gracious spirit. She touched the lives of so many people in a positive way and will be missed by all who knew her and shared in her life.
A TRIBUTE TO MY DEVOTED WIFE
Andre Crouch’s song was my wife’s favorite, and she asked me to sing it for her often. No words are more fitting here than the opening lines:
How can I say thanks for the things you have done for me? Things so undeserved yet you gave to prove your love for me. The voices of a million angels could not express my gratitude. All that I am and ever hope to be, I owe it all to thee. This is my story with the love of my life for forty-five years.
Denise met me when I was at the lowest level of selfesteem. Lost, without friends or a place in my local community. No idea for the future or what that future would hold. There was no reason that she should have seen anything desirable or meritorious in me. Yet she did. She opened her heart and gave me her love. That has made all the difference.
She had a faith in me and what I was capable of that I certainly did not share. I was a shy, withdrawn wall flower of a fellow. Almost five decades later, most folks refuse to believe that what I have written here was ever the case, but I will swear to it. Now, when I look around, I see good friends wherever I look. I was city councilman and a duly elected mayor of my community. The New York State governor knew me on a first name basis. I was amazed and duly
impressed, but not my Denise. She seemed totally unimpressed. When I spoke to that, her response was “That’s what I expected of you.”
She was passionate about her family and her Italian roots in Canastota, and introduced me there as well. My fondness for her family, Canastota, and St. Agatha’s Catholic parish is boundless. For years I felt like I had two families. My family by marriage and blood and my church family at St. Agatha’s. Her parents, Joe and Delores, had some strong misgivings about her marrying this unemployed, black fellow they knew nothing of, but she did not even hesitate when I told her that I did not wish to come between her and her family. We therefore eloped on June 29, 1979 and were married by the justice of the peace in Wampsville. However, they and the parishioners of St. Agatha’s and the Greater Oneida/Canastota Community welcomed and embraced me with open arms. What joy I had when I was able to look out into the congregation and see the approval and pleasure on my in-law’s faces as I cantered Holy Mass.
Two children were born to us and our joy was multiplied many times over. Raising them was extraordinary, and I still worry that I did not do a good enough job.
Our blessings multiplied again when grandchildren came into our lives and created even more richness and abundant love. The stories and the anecdotes are too many to put to pen. I opened with a song, so I shall close with one that again speaks what is in my heart.
“It must have been cold there in my shadow. To never have sunlight on your face. You were content to let me shine. You always walked one step behind. It might have appeared to go unnoticed. But I’ve got it all right here right here in my heart. I want you to know I know the truth. I would be nothing without you. I flew higher, higher than I ever dreamed I would cause you were the wind beneath my wings.”
It’s time for you to fly my love. Fly to the arms of God and take your rest….
Max
A TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER
How do I find the words to describe the woman who is my mother and the relationship we had as mother and daughter? The relationship and friendship we enjoyed is a bond that was shared by mom and her mother, Dolores, the woman whose name I carry. They were best friends, modeling a relationship that has nurtured me to be the woman I am today.
Many characteristics made my mother amazing. She was the strongest woman I ever knew, a fighter, a strong-willed, fiery Italian; yet always kind and loving. Supportive, no matter the circumstances. She loved her grand babies more than life itself and would do anything for them. She loved my father immensely. Mom had a passion for the world’s injustices and solutions, all of which impressed us, especially her grandchildren.
My mother was my best friend. From as young as I can remember, the greatest emotion I felt from my mother was love. Never anger, never disappointment. Well, of course slightly, temporarily, at times. But mostly, simply love. Whether I was a small, crying child clutching her leg when being dropped off at preschool, an insecure teenager in a tantrum about some insignificant catastrophe, a frightened, pregnant college student anticipating life to be over, an exhausted, stressed out, first-time mother, or a divorced mother of three finding herself all over again at 40; mom always insured that I felt loved.
Mom was the person I called in times of happiness, when I was sad, angry or lost. She was the first person to know any important, life-changing information about me, or the smallest, trivial gossip. We talked every day. Multiple times a day. Sometimes for hours. Never once did she make me feel she did not have time for me. She was always there. I believe she felt her most significant responsibility to me was to guarantee that I knew she was my best friend, and she loved me unconditionally.
I am thankful and cherish the relationship I had with my moth er. I cannot imagine a life without her; it is something I will have to learn how to do. She will be missed. Every day. I do not know how I am going to handle not being able to talk to her every day, to pick up the phone and just chat, or unload some work stress, or laugh at something silly her grand children did. I want her to know how much she meant to me, not just as a mother but as my best friend. I want her to know how thankful I am for the love she gave me and how it has influenced my relationship with my daughter.
Thank you, mom, for giving me what I will cherish forever. I love you, forever and always.
Julia
A TRIBUTE TO MY MOM
Mom, When I think of you, I think of the carefree, effortless relationship we had. It overwhelms me with gratitude. The pride you showed in the love for me was never unnoticed. When I think of you, I think about the lack of selfishness, always putting yourself last. Always giving what you can to us when I knew you were going without.
When I think of you, I think of the support you gave to me when I needed bravery and courage to be who I am meant to be. When I think of you, I think of the strong relationship between an Italian mother and her son. Our relationship demonstrated this. I enjoyed making you laugh, knowing you were laughing because of the love you had for me. I was not exceptionally humorous, but to you I was. Your laugh expressed how entirely fond of me you were; the level of happiness I was able to bring to you. Even in your last moments, we were able to laugh together. When I think of you, I think of your motherly concern, a worry that expressed how dear I was to you. Knowing you were never really comfortable without me near.
When I think of you, I hope throughout the years you will look over me and I will continue to make you laugh, feel proud, and fill with happiness the same as when you were here with me. I will cherish the times we laughed, the times you made me feel understood and supported. The love you had for your son, will never be forgotten. I will miss you mom. I love you.
Your son, Max
MY TRIBUTE TO NANA
My Nana was so full of personality and character. She cared about each of us deeply. She was always looking out for her children and grandchildren. Nana was important in our lives, and our best moments were with her close by. Every evening was more exciting and entertaining.
I cherish my family dearly; they’re the closest people to me. My grandparents’ home is always a safe space for me, especially because my Nana and I had a close bond. Once I moved to Oneida two years ago, I was so excited to be able to visit her more often. I’m heartbroken to lose her so early in my life and wish she could have lived to see me graduate, go to college, and see where I end up in the future.
When I look back on the life of my Nana, I remember her as a caring, sincere, affectionate, sassy lady. Not a day goes by without the family remembering her. She will be in our hearts forever.
Your grandson Nolan Spohn
TRIBUTE TO NANA
The word of any man, woman, or creature could not prepare a mere babe for the intensity of this loss. It is a thing only grasped by experience, and I lament over this realization. An understanding of guarantees in life - the only precedent of which being the inevitability of death - is a sorry excuse for the personal reality of it. The first major loss in my life was you, my Nana. It was difficult to recall a time before grief in your name. Not only for myself but for the ones who loved you dearly. Four long years of it, as little as I cared to realize. Every incident of your denaturing health was no long-term issue in my eyes. Youthful arrogance not recognized by me, even after your passing. Some voice within me held the intense gravity of it, only allowing a rose-colored lens in my vision to see the ticking clock. Within me I believed the clock could be set at will, rewound to add months, weeks, days that had already been taken from you. Despite this veil, I knew. So, I tried, I tried as hard as I could to spend time with what little you had ticking away. I am glad I could tell you “I love you” on that final night. It could be considered a luxury to those that had no such privilege. And so the grandeur of loss began that following day. It is the intricacies of your personality that you shared with us that squeeze my heart. Those small things that made you a remarkable woman. Never again will I look at a can of tomatoes without thinking of you. I cannot consider eating goulash not made by your hands, as nothing will ever be the same. The taste is only a memory that I can only hold in my heart for as long as I live. I’ll never come downstairs to find you in the kitchen, then reprimanding me for waking up so late in the day. Nobody will pester me about a haircut like you did.
Yes, you liked everything your way. That is why it’s so difficult now to see your home filled with reminders of your life, the things you wanted exactly as you wished them to be. An even greater pain was the things that are now missing. That big ugly dialysis machine in the living room, so difficult not to notice, will be removed. Though it marked the omen of your death, it was that integration of routine in your life that made it so significant to me. Four years of that compared to the mere nineteen I have aged is a large percentage.
I would have loved to have known you for longer than nineteen years. In a place without the confinement of time, to see you as a child, a young woman, in your adventurous years with your husband. It saddens me that I can have no memory of your entire life to covet over the course of my own. For nineteen is too little. I can only hear those stories from the people you shared your life with then. But I am glad I have known you long enough to understand your life and the intensity of your departure. I will miss you for as long as I live.
Goodbye, and be at peace, my Nana.
Love always, Micah
A TRIBUTE TO MY SISTER
Denise and I grew up in the town of Canastota, far away from the hustle and bustle of big city life. I learnt very early how to cope with a single sibling, a girl nonetheless, whose interests were not at all appealing to me.
I found pleasure in playing golf or hanging out at the bowling alley, activities I still enjoy. My sister loved rock music and enjoyed listening to her favorite groups and going to their concerts. She also busied herself with what I regarded as feminine issues – spending days decorating for Christmas or perfecting her spaghetti sauce like a good Italian woman who hoped to have a family of her own one day.
And yes, one day she introduced us to a stranger from another culture who soon became everyone’s favorite. He not only cooked for her, but he also sang to her! He became one of us. And they loved each other. I left home before Denise, but she and Max took care of our parents to the very end.
Thank you, big sister, for all you meant to me. I’m so happy I got to spend time with you and say my goodbye.
I love you, Denise, and will miss you dearly.
Your brother, Joe
A TRIBUTE FROM THE EXTENDED FAMILY
We were established in 1919 in the quaint, seaside village of Knowles on Cat Island, one of the 700 islands in the archipelago known as The Bahamas. Our patriarch, Benjamin Franklyn Moncur, and our matriarch, Mary Jane Moncur, were full-time farmers. On occasion, Ben engaged in masonry. Fishing and his small livestock guaranteed food for their brood of 14 children. Today, we number about four hundred.
Over time, this family became known as The Tribe of Ben and officially welcomed “in-laws”. Without conducting a scientific poll, I can safely say that Denise DeFazio Smith made it to the top five on that long list.
Here’s why: She became one of us, comfortable with us, eating her Uncle Wendell’s johnny bread with the relish of an islander, respecting her motherin-law, Miriam, now the Matriarch of the Tribe, visiting our country and savoring the delicacies, the cuisine, the culture, and everything in between. A lighter shade, a different accent, but she blended.
In the 1950s, Upstate New York, particularly Syracuse and Oneida, became the preferred Watering Hole and Vacation for many in the Tribe of Ben, and in the years that followed, after Alden introduced us to his beautiful wife Denise, she made trips to Oneida extra special.
Denise was a special person in so many ways; she was genuine, she spoke her mind, she opened her heart and her home, she was a sister, a niece, a friend, a cousin, rolled into one sweet package.
She knew we were praying for her healing, but God had the final word. She was loved in life and in death. And that is why we are here as representatives of the entire Tribe of Ben to support Alden (Max) and the nuclear family and to say our temporary “goodbye”.
Thank you, Denise, for your love, kindness, and friendship these forty-five years.
We’ll see you when the Golden Morning dawns. We love you, Denise.
Dr. Althea L. McMillan For the Tribe of Ben.
MESSAGE OF GRATTITUDE
Denise lived and served others in unusual ways. We knew she was loved, but could not imagine the reach of her influence, and the impact she had on so many individuals. All this was revealed during her illness and over the last two weeks.
The family of the late Mrs. Denise Smith uses this medium to say “Thank you” to all of you who called, visited, sent cards, flowers, messages; fed us, sat and cried with us; traveled many miles nationally and internationally to be with us for the service today, and now to share in a moment of reflection as we fellowship together.
You showed how much you care, and we are truly grateful. We ask that you stay in touch so that the love and support we share will continue to blossom and flourish.
SPECIAL THANKS TO: J. Homer Ball Funeral Home Inc.
The Catholic Diocese
Dr. Emile Wassel, Amy Mulvihill and staff Oneida Dialysis Center
Dr. Rahul Seth & Taryn Lindquist NP Upstate Hematology and Oncology
Larry Ball J Homer Ball Funeral Home
Tel: 394-BOOK (2665) Mobile: (242) 818-3478
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