The RAY v. 7

Falling in Love with You

the greatest love you’ll ever have

Do Humans Mate for Life?

the search for “the one” revisited

A Man’s Perspective primal expressions

Your Most Intimate Relationship

how your thoughts affect the love you experience

Relationship v.7

TheRAY.org

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In this Issue 8

Published by The RAY, Inc.

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A Source to Empower Your Inner Light!

PO Box 1113 b Los Angeles, CA 90078 323.461.6456 (t) b 323.461.0231 (f ) info@TheRAY.org The RAY is a vision of female empowerment.

Our mission is to inspire women to a higher acceptance of self by providing uplifting publications, empowering events and a supportive network of resources.

To learn more, visit our website:

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STAFF: Founder / Editor-in-Chief: Sierra J. Sullivan Managing Editor: Ariella K. Forstein Copy Editor: Sarah Irani Director of Advertising: Kataka Gara Ad Sales: Vivian Geffen Design & Layout: Andie Villafane Support Graphics: Chris Dileo, Jessica Heckel CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Christine Breese, Jentana Dabbs, Vivian L. Geffen, Dr. Meg Haworth, Byron Katie, Jean Marie Molina Lenore Perry, Richard Piscuskas, Gina Ratliffe, Tancie Trail, Vaishali We are honored to feature the artwork of AnneKarin Glass and the photography of Teresa Shea and Tim Peyton ADVERTISING INQUIRIES: Kataka Gara 323.251.0051/ Ads@TheRAY.org SUBMISSION INQUIRIES: Ariella@TheRAY.org Subscribe Online at: TheRAY.org Send comments and thoughts to: info@TheRAY.org Copyright © 2008 The RAY, Inc. All rights reserved.

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The RAY is a triannual publication.

The RAY is not liable for contents or representations of advertisers.

Article opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher.

“Comparison is the thief of joy!”

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FEATURES Your Most Intimate Relationship 6 How your thoughts affect the love you experience

by Byron Katie

Relationship Reflections 8 The sharp focus of a relationship lens

by Lenore Perry

Do Humans Mate for Life?

10 The search for “the one” revisited

by Christine Breese

Falling in Love with You 16 The greatest love you’ll ever have

by Dr. Meg Haworth

How Spiritually Healthy Are You? 18 Three tests to find out

by Vaishali

LIVING THE LIGHT 12 Abundance ~ Why Women Love Money 13 The Green Beam ~ Precious Water 14 Conscious Parenting ~ Co-Parenting?

15 A Man’s Perspective ~ Primal Expressions 22

Did You Know? ~ The Benefits of Basil

FOCUS 20 Making Sense of Men ~ Interview with Alison Armstrong

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Editor’s Greeting When I sat down to edit this issue I found myself deeply engrossed in the many perspectives on relationship shared herein. I feel very inspired by what our writers have to say and it brings me great hope for what I will bring forth to my next relationship.

Being back in the single world again I am enjoying an adventurous relationship with myself and through that intimacy, see my greater purpose.

The space that was once occupied by my last relationship has opened up vast areas of my life where I am now being called to step into a new place of power and self-acceptance. I am being asked to leave the smallness of my comfort zones in order to step into the bigness of me. It is not always easy to face the places I feel most limited and trust the full possibility that lies on the other side, but I see that when I do get through my fears and doubts, much greatness awaits me.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned along the way is the importance of surrounding myself with successfully minded and visionary people. It is through relationships that we truly grow and as that growth happens it is essential to make sure the people around us are in alignment with what we want to create for ourselves. Healthy relationships are ones where you authentically express your needs and feelings without the fear that you will lose that person or have to battle with someone to find happiness.

When a part of my life is not working or there is drama or drain in certain relationships, I go inside and ask what I unconsciously believe about myself that has this scenario play out. Sometimes a simple shift in perspective is all I need and other times it takes a shift in the people who surround me. A motto I often live by is, “if it ain’t a flow, let it go.” That does not always mean it is necessary to cut ties or end all communications when conflicts arise, but it is a good reminder to pause, take space and reevaluate things. In saying NO to relationships that no longer serve me (including my old relationship to self), I am loudly saying YES to my higher purpose.

Caroline Myss (myss.com) teaches that we are all energetic banks and it is up to us to manage the investment of our energy dollars. Despite any story that keeps me enrolled in relationships that trouble me, it helps to keep this philosophy in mind. When in doubt, I step back to take an energetic assessment of the situation and ask myself, “is this relationship gaining interest, breaking even, or putting me in debt?” The answer is usually pretty clear and from that insight I am more empowered to see what action I can take to reinvest my “money” more profitably.

There are many valuable teachings in this issue and I hope that as you read on, you will feel as inspired as I did. I also want to invite you to continue your relationship with The RAY by signing up for our FREE monthly publication, The Inner Light E-news at TheRAY.org. We’d like the opportunity to build a lasting relationship with you.

Shine on...

Sierra J. Sullivan Founder & Editor theRAY.org b 5

Your Most Intimate Relationship Excerpts from “I Need Your Love - Is That True?”

by Byron Katie with Michael Katz

Have you ever felt that the harder you look for love, the more it seems to elude you? Or that seeking approval makes you feel insecure? If you have, there’s a reason. It’s because seeking love and approval is a sure way to lose the awareness of both. You can lose the awareness of love, but you can never lose love itself. Love is what we are. It is our true nature. So, why do we look for it so hard, and often with such poor results? We are believing our untrue, unquestioned thoughts.

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In the pursuit of love, approval and appreciation, what do we think? We think that the love and approval of others are the keys to the kingdom—to every good thing in the world. We think that seeking romance brings love, a sexual partner, long-term closeness, marriage, family. And we think that trying to impress society—trying to win the admiration of the right people—is our best shot at bringing fame, wealth and satisfaction into our lives.

The irony is that the struggle to win love and approval makes it very difficult to experience them. Chronic approval seekers don’t realize that they are loved and supported not because of but despite their efforts. And the more strenuously they seek, the less likely they are to notice.

Getting to Know You When you begin to notice your thoughts, one of the first things you’ll see is that you’re never alone: You’re not alone with your lover or with anyone else; you’re not even alone with yourself.

Wherever you go, whomever you’re with, the voice in your head goes with you, whispering, nagging, enticing, judging, chattering, shaming, guilt-tripping, or yelling at you. When you wake up in the morning, your thoughts wake up with you. They push you out of bed and follow you to work. They make comments about people at the office and people in the store. They follow you to the bathroom, get into your car when you do, and come back home again with you. Whether or not someone is waiting for you at home, your thoughts will be there waiting for you.

If you’re afraid to be alone, it means you’re afraid of your thoughts. If you loved your thoughts, you would love to be alone anywhere with them. If you loved your thoughts, you wouldn’t have to turn on the radio when you get in the car, or the TV when you get home. The way you relate to your thoughts—that’s what you bring to every relationship you have, including the one with yourself.

Your most intimate relationship is the one you have with your thoughts.

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Thoughts and Feelings in the Pursuit of Love It may seem odd at first to look at grand passions or unhappiness, especially unhappiness about love, in terms of thoughts. Still, if you slow down and take a look, you’ll find that there is always a particular thought that triggers any stressful feeling. Anxiety about love is the result of simple, childlike thoughts, thoughts that everyone has, even ninety-year-olds. “I need your love.” “I’d be lost without you.”

Unquestioned thoughts like these pretend to guide you toward love when in fact they are obstacles to it.

What Do Your Thoughts Have to Say About Love?

If you listen to your thoughts, you’ll notice that they are telling you what love can do for you. For instance, after a disappointment in love, you may have a raw and exposed feeling. Your thoughts may tell you that you’ve been deprived, that you are abandoned, excluded, empty, lonely, or incomplete. They may tell you that only love can make you feel good again. If you’re fearful, if you crave safety and security, your thoughts may tell you that love will rescue you. If life is disappointing or doesn’t make sense, many people think that love is the answer to that as well. It would be useful at this point to see what you think. Just ask yourself what you hope for or expect from love, and make a list of five things you think love will bring you.

What if you had a method of seeing whether you really believe your most disturbing thoughts? The Work—four questions and turnarounds—is exactly that. Seeing The Work as a method is only temporary. After you do The Work for a while, you find that it becomes automatic—your natural way of relating to thoughts. Believing your thoughts comes to seem more and more unnatural, a method of fooling yourself, and it becomes clearer and clearer that inquiry returns you to your happy, loving, authentic self. This is your birthright.

I don’t do thoughts; they do me—until I “Work” them. I don’t let go of thoughts, I question them and they let go of me. b To learn how to question your thoughts, for more information about The Work of Byron Katie, and to purchase Byron Katie’s books: “Loving What Is,” “I Need Your Love- Is That True?” and “A Thousand Names for Joy,” please visit TheWork.com.

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Relationship’s Reflection

by Lenore Perry photo by Tim Peyton

I have always considered myself lucky and pride myself on having the very practical skill of being a happy single person. When alone I feel confident, complete, cute, rarely lonely, flooded with friends and family, full of vitality and I do not want much for dates. Aside from your gardenvariety psychological hang-ups, I consider myself a good catch. I have always believed he will come when he is ready or that I will notice him when I am ready.

I have a handful of friends and acquaintances who feel, “If I only had a boyfriend everything would be great.” For me, the opposite rings true. As long as I am single life is pretty smooth and I am generally happy. The conflict, naturally, is that I love love. I relish intimacy and I even demand connectedness. Ultimately I want a partnership of the deep, loving and lasting order.

Recently I dove into what threatens to be just such a partnership. We are working out some kinks and trying to decode the other much of the time, but there is a sense of commitment and devotion that is real and rare. At the very beginning there was a knowing, the likes of which I had not imagined since I was young and even more idealistic than I am now.

It is safe to say that in some very real ways we both feel a little better outside of relationships, not just me. The thrill of the unknown is wiped away. When I am single and purportedly open to a relationship 8 b Relationship v.7

I have a handful of friends and acquaintances that feel, “If I only had a boyfriend everything would be great.”

For me, the opposite rings true. the entire world of possibility is available to me. Anything can happen. I can meet anyone. I can go anywhere, do anything!

I really like hanging out there, though this is not exactly reality. I am engaged in life when I am alone, but as for relationships I am engaged more in fantasy, one that is filled with my hopes and dreams, and not so much in anything that is actually happening. Maybe I am addicted to this sort of indecision because it always implies a “yet.” I have not decided yet, I could do anything yet, things can be perfect yet.

But back in reality we exist. We are not trapped in this box with a lid on it, we are absolutely free to leave any time. And we stay. We love each other and we want a life together and in many ways we are a stellar match. All of that confidence and completeness of my single self—let’s call her my singlid—has a little less bravado and feels a little pale. My life is still full of vitality, and it is also full of new questions. Places are getting poked that I did not know existed. Sensitivities are being exposed, brand new insecurities are developing and thoughts are spinning in a hemisphere that was once my dark and cozy Alaska in the winter, a blissfully dormant place.

We all know that relationships encompass growth and lessons, and shine new light on surprising places. This is work we cannot do on our own. To me this is one of life’s beautiful cruelties because the payoff is more than happiness. It is healing. I have heard it said that 5 years in a healthy, connected and deeply intimate relationship can undo a fair amount of the damage done in our childhoods. It can literally heal old wounds. That is why we look for people who have qualities reminiscent of the worst traits of our parents. We want another shot. And we get it. We see things in ourselves through the most unrelenting mirror. There is no other glass that would show us these things. In my singlid I have mirrors all set at flattering angles with no magnification, and the lighting has the soft glow of Renoir. As fun as it is to look like a million bucks, all rosy and pleasant, it does not hold a candle to the sharp focus of a meaningful relationship’s lens, where things always, eventually, hopefully, become clear. b Lenore’s multi-disciplinary talents include writing, designing and photo-finishing. She is a friend, daughter, lover and aunt who takes pride in being a foodie, coffee, wine and scotch enthusiast. A holistic yogi Buddha student, Lenore lives and thrives amidst the happy contradictions of Los Angeles.

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Do Humans Mate For Life?

by Christine Breese photo by TnT

Many people search for “the one” who will be a partner for life. Some even feel that they are looking for a lost soul counterpart, their other half somewhere here on earth like a needle in a haystack. Many believe that human beings are meant to mate for life. However, I am not so sure about that. I think perhaps that idea could be erroneous, and maybe it is in fact a rare contract that only happens to a few.

I do not believe the long-term “mates for life” applies to all of us. Is it meant to be in every lifetime that we find “the one” and stay together for life? If so, then most of us have missed the mark!

I believe that human beings were meant to stay together for only however long it serves them to be mates, rather than trying to force themselves into the rare contract of mating with one person for life. The disappointment that comes if we should fail is unnecessary and self-defeating, and we should be open to the idea of “serial monogamy” as a possibility for being the norm, rather than finding “the one.”

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Serial Monogamy Serial monogamy is having one mate at a time in a series, which becomes several mates over a lifetime. A person is monogamous during the time that he or she is with a mate, and then when that relationship comes to a close, there is an opening to start a new relationship.

I am not talking about dating, for that is something else I call “shopping.” I am talking about relationships that turn out to be years long, but not lifelong. If you think back on it, your past relationships have taught you a lot, caused you to grow and have in the long run been a blessing in your life. Some relationships showed you what you do not want, and that is how they served you. Other relationships

highlighted riches within yourself, and still others showed you what you like in relationships.

If we do not cling to a relationship and are willing to let it go when it has run its course, then the ending does not have to be an ordeal that causes suffering or ugliness between two people. While there is importance in remaining committed to working out differences in a relationship, there is also importance in knowing when the relationship is truly ending. Ending relationships can be recognized as a passage of a chapter in life, and the good memories can be what prevail rather than bitterness or anger because that person did not turn out to be “the one.” It does

not have to be seen as failure, but rather as a beautiful experience that becomes a permanent part of one’s makeup. Lasting friendships can result from relationships that have transitioned into a different phase. In fact, all your relationships can transition into deep friendships if you let them.

If we do not cling to a relationship and are willing to let it go when it has run its course, then the ending does not have to be an ordeal that causes suffering or ugliness between two people.

What About the Children?

penniless, a prostitute or nun. A man without a wife was destined to have no heirs, no love and eat poorly! It was a symbiotic relationship under the guise of marriage. In fact, love within a marriage was rare in history and marriage was an arrangement of convenience and survival.

This is not to say that love did not occur within marriages of the past. Though there was often a race to get married to someone who was at least acceptable, even though not loved, so as not to be left uncared for on both the woman and the man’s part.

Some people would ask what to do about situations when there are children. This does indeed prove to be a problem in today’s societal setup. It used to be that people lived in communities and villages together. It is harder now than it used to be to raise children because only two adults are responsible for all the work, whereas in days past an entire community shared the workload. Therefore, the mother and father could change mates without it being a terrible experience for the child, especially since the children would still have daily contact with both parents within the community.

Even today when the parents want to part ways it is possible to do so without shattering the children if it is done with wisdom, compassion and long lasting friendship. Rather than the dramas and harmfulness that are directed at each other during hostile breakups, lovers can simply release each other to their next serial monogamous relationship without tearing at each other. This tearing is what causes the children the damage and harm.

I believe a lot of the hostility that happens in these ugly breakups is because each is angry that the other did not turn out to be “the one.” There is a sense of failure in the self and a sense of disappointment in the other because each is trying to fit into a societal standard that is unrealistic and unreasonable. The idea of marriage for life is misleading, and yet it is the standard everyone must achieve.

We now have freedom to choose and freedom to come and go. A woman can now take care of herself financially and men have learned to cook! There is no necessity for marriage to survive. More than ever, love is a prerequisite and requirement for marriages to last. In a way, that is a good thing and shows that there is evolution in humankind. I believe it is quite natural for humans to move from one relationship to another, and the suffering created by the idea of marriage-for-life not working out is an unnecessary ordeal we put ourselves through because we are attempting to achieve an unnatural goal.

Freedom To Choose See relationships as passing chapters in life. Let them go without struggle if they are naturally ending. There is wisdom in knowing the ebb and flow of relationships and the fine line between being committed to making a relationship work versus knowing when to walk away in peace.

There is no failure if a relationship does not last for a lifetime. Instead, it is the natural flow of the human species, and the sooner society can stop expecting humans to fit into a constrictive idea about relationships, the sooner the suffering and stress around relationships will end. b Christine Breese, Ph.D. (ChristineBreese.com) is the founder of University of Metaphysical Sciences (UMSonline.org), Universal Church of Metaphysics (UCMETA.org) and Starlight Journal (Starlightjournal. com). She is presently creating a retreat center in California. She also travels extensively discussing consciousness, enlightenment, self-inquiry, awakening and dropping suffering in the mind. A charismatic speaker, she brings humor to otherwise serious subjects.

The Origins Of Marriage Perhaps society should relax its ideas about relationships. After all, the origins of marriage are a bit antiquated even though it is a beautiful idea. Originally, it was created so that a man could own a woman, and a woman would be taken care of by a man. A woman could not own land or a business, nor could she generate her own money. A woman had to be married or she was destined to be theRAY.org b 11

Abundance

Why Women Love Money

by Gina Ratliffe

Money interests me. When we do not have it, life feels awful to the point of agony. When we have it, life’s natural state of being feels whole and abundant which is completely luxurious.

It is not about taking our health or financial abundance for granted, like an entitlement. Gratitude of course is key.

But when health and financial prosperity exist, they no longer become the focal point, the goal or the destination.

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When you are sick, the goal is to get well.

When you are broke, the goal is to “get” money.

Having our basic needs of a house, food, transportation, clothing, utilities and medical attention paid for takes us out of survival mode. We no longer need to self-obsess when these basic needs are covered.

It is what I used to think about becoming a Queen: the goal was to “get” to the throne, wear the tiara, live in the castle and have the title.

As I have learned from the exquisite role model, Queen Esther from ancient Persia, the goal for us as wise, empowered, feminine women is not to “become” Queen. It is our duty, our response-ability and our opportunity to be Queen, for only from this place of power can we fulfill our purpose.

Fulfilling our purpose is our deepest desire as women. The greatest way we can partner with the divine to use our skills as healers, creators, composers, artists, writers, speakers and domestic goddesses is ultimately to move humanity forward to a higher level of peace, health, abundance, creativity and consciousness.

I have not met a woman yet whose #1 endof-the-day goal is to make money (which could logically explain why we’re not already “better” at it)! Money is not just about the luxurious clothes, the sprawling home, the infinity pools or exotic trips.

I have discovered 8 reasons why women want to make more money that have nothing to do with money. It is from these places of power that we will all fulfill our purpose and live legendary lives. b 12 b Relationship v.7

reasons women want to make more money that have nothing to do with money

#1 Basic Needs

#2 Romantic Relationship I often hear women say money will improve their romantic relationships. Women have a scarcity mentality if their basic financial needs are not met. Then, the tendency is to bring that scarcity mentality into their relationship dynamic. This is not to say that having money means a couple will have nothing about which to argue. If that were true wealthy couples would be happier than poor couples, and that is far from accurate. However, eliminating financial stress provides a healthier possibility for a better relationship dynamic.

#3 Personal Expansion & Momentum Traveling, going to spas, attending seminars and other soul-enriching activities that women enjoy experiencing all require money. Women

want to expand themselves and the next generation. They want to move themselves and our world forward, which requires the power of money.

#4 Creative Expression When women desire to dine at fabulous restaurants, wear the finest fashions, decorate their estates, etc., it is not about keeping up with the Kardashians. It is because enjoying great food, buying couture clothing and Italian silks for the living room drapes are ways that women tangibly see aspects of themselves extended into their physical space to celebrate their uniqueness.

#5 Career Advancement Women who really want to advance their careers generally do so because they want to serve others more. You do not necessarily have to be in a service profession to do that. My female friends in corporate banking, mortgage and the stock market also want to use their skills, talents and profession to serve others.

Water

by Tancie Trail

#6 Greater Self-Confidence The art of financial prosperity is one of the greatest personal development journeys available. The character that is developed as a result of creating wealth can strengthen a woman’s poise and confidence.

#7 Community Women are the gatekeepers of relationships and being “seen” in community is critical for a woman’s sense of feeling connected to others.

It is a way she can connect to her deepest self. Money is needed for the cultivation of community as it is required for membership fees, gas to drive and meet a girlfriend, pay for a cup of tea and ultimately have the funds needed to powerfully exist in social, professional and sacred circles.

#8 Power Our world needs the savvy, smart and talented woman to not just be great at her profession, but to also be wise and astute to harnessing the power of money.

Gina Ratliffe is a coach, speaker, and radio talk show host. She has a M.A. in clinical psychology, worked at the White House, the Supreme Court, Harvard, and with Marianne Williamson. She publishes the weekly Esther Experience ezine, and facilitates the 23-week, How To Create YOUR At-Home Online Empire teleclass.

EstherExperience.com

Water is one natural resource that we constantly take for granted. In our lifetime, most of us have had fresh running water without ever thinking about where it came from, so we expect that it will always be there. Currently the US is experiencing drought in multiple regions. Supplies of fresh clean usable water are declining daily due to pollution, population growth, unsustainable agricultural and land use practices, and urban run off, just to name a few. If these periodic droughts occur more frequently the government may need to impose household limitations on how much water each person can use per month. I think this sort of extreme measure could be in our future if we fail to incorporate water conservation habits into our daily lives now. Let us each make an effort to be conscious of our water use, shift toward making a positive impact on our precious healing water and end fresh water abuse in our homes and communities.

Tips for reducing water usage now: Do not turn the faucet on full blast when using water. Flow the width of a pencil is plenty.

Turn the water off while brushing your teeth or shaving.

Take showers instead of baths.

Reserve baths for special occasions!

Use a refillable water bottle to cut down on plastic bottle waste.

Place a bucket in the shower to capture the cold water as you wait for the hot water.

Then repurpose the water you captured for watering plants, flushing the toilet, cleaning, mopping or washing the car.

products that are non-toxic.

This reduces water pollution, is better for you and for your local water.

Install low flow showerheads and faucet aerators.

Fix faucet leaks, and running toilets as soon as you notice them.

Install low flow toilets if you are building a new home. Or, if you live in an older home with toilet tanks that fill up after each flush, place a brick in your tank to raise the water level & conserve water.

Sweep driveways, steps and sidewalks rather than hosing them off.

Scrape rather than pre-wash dishes prior to loading the dishwasher and only run the dishwasher when full.

Wash fruits & veggies all at once in a bowl of water instead of under running water.

Only run the washing machine when full and use the cold setting to conserve energy.

Use dishwasher, laundry detergent and cleaning

Collect food waste in a compost rather than using a sink garbage disposal or mixing it in to regular garbage. Sink disposals use tons of water.

Plant native plants, install drip irrigation and use mulch to conserve moisture in gardens.

Reduce your personal contribution to urban runoff pollution by not dumping hazardous chemicals down the sink or littering and by fixing vehicle oil leaks promptly.

Locate your local hazardous waste site for proper disposal of toxic liquids, oils and chemicals. This will help to keep the cost of cleaning local water off your bill.

Eat less beef and other high water consuming food products (it takes 5,214 gallons of water to produce 1 lb of beef in the state of California).

Tancie Trail comes from NYC and now resides in Marina Del Rey, CA where she enjoys a peaceful life near her beloved ocean. She devotes her energy to the environment, serving as a “green film maker” to document the green movement in Southern California and around the country.

BecominGreen.com

Earth Light Insight

THE GREEN BEAM

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Co-Parenting?

by Jean Marie Molina

In these turbulent times it is easy to be paranoid about our children’s safety.

If we consider ourselves to be “good parents,” we feel justified in being overprotective to some degree. But then how are we supposed to trust our kids to be smart when they finally are “on their own?” More importantly, how are they supposed to learn to trust themselves and develop their own sense of power?

These are some of the questions I frequently ask myself as I parent my strong willed and adventure-loving kids.

Since I have a tendency to be free-spirited and adventurous my parenting style is sometimes referred to as “excessively permissive,” while their father would be referred to as strict and authoritarian.

Unfortunately, he is often paranoid and overprotective. I understand that his modus operandi is stemming from true love, but I cannot help being disturbed by the fact that he often instills more fear in our children than confidence. Co-parenting with this man can be challenging. An example of this challenge occurred just the other day.

Our 17-year-old son, Nicolas, and two of his best friends had long-standing plans to go to downtown LA’s China Town using public transportation. I told the boys to be careful not to annoy people, to watch out for each other and to be home before dark. Nick’s father, Anthony, was very upset by their plans. First, he does not want Nick using public transportation; he believes it is too dangerous. Secondly, he thinks that China Town is a risky place for unsupervised teenagers. And thirdly, on the day of the boys’ adventure, the sky was ominously dark with storm clouds. The weather report forecasted that we would have a record breaking ten inches of rainfall that day. As a result of this last bit of information, Anthony called us on his way to work that morning and vetoed the boys’ plans. It was up to me to enforce this, or not.

Dave, my partner and acting stepfather for 7 years, also on the road that morning, heard

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the weather report and called home to tell me that he was also worried, and agreed with Anthony that I “tell them that they can’t go.” I let the boys know what Dave said, and they told me they would be fine.

So, what do you do in a situation like this where you have loving and concerned parents, anxious and fearful for a kid’s safety, and three big, stubborn, adventureloving males? Am I supposed to fight with them, and try to bend them to my will?

What were the dads so worried about?

That the boys would get caught in the rain while shopping? That they would be swept away in a flash flood? That they would get wet and be cold? The boys and I discussed these concerns over breakfast. After a little brainstorming they agreed to wear their heavy jackets, to bring knit hats and a couple umbrellas. They assured me that they would be very alert to any flood warnings.

Finally, I suggested that we each pull a Tarot card and see if we could tap into a little Divine Guidance. I brought out my Doreen Virtue, Healing With Angels Oracle Cards, and, mostly to humor me, the boys gathered round.

Nicolas has pulled Oracle cards many times, but this was new for his friends Mollyno and Michael, so I instructed them to close their eyes and to take a couple of slow settling breaths.

After they felt centered and calm, I told them to silently ask “The Universe” to give them a message about today.

Nicolas pulled the card Abundance. Mollyno pulled the card Power.

Michael pulled the card Harmony and I pulled Trust. Well!! How could I justify stopping them now? I had to Trust that these guys had their own Powerful, Harmonious and Abundant paths to follow.

My job was to support and honor them now.

I drove them to the Blue Line Station, told them to call me if they changed their minds and reminded them to buy me something nice. They told me they would and were exuberant as they climbed out of my car.

I upset Nick’s dad, needless to say. He let me know just whose fault it would be if anything bad happened, though I know I did the right thing. The boys had a great time and they were home as it began to get dark. I love the beautiful silk robe that they bought me. And, by the way, the torrential rainstorm never happened. It merely sprinkled the whole day. b Jean Marie Molina is the Mother of three awesome kids, a Parent Coach and a Metaphysical Teacher. For the past 20 years, Jean Marie has been a Spirituality Consultant, a Psychic Empath, a Medium and a Semi-Trance Channel.

She has developed a workshop called Metaphysics 101, where ‘New Age’ concepts are explained in a safe and fun environment. She is available for private and group consultations. 714.330.1664.

A Man’s Perspective

Primal Expressions

by Richard Piscuskas

A few months ago, my friend Chris and I were chatting in front of his office building. Having spent three years together in a men’s group most all our conversations go deep into our nature as men. That day we were discussing the Super Bowl, a subject that intellectually excited us from this depth of perspective. I remember feeling grateful for this level of communication.

He then surprised me with, “Did you know that male mice can’t tell the difference between the feeling they get from eating, having sex or picking a fight?

I mean, isn’t that crazy? It’s all the same to them!”

Yes, it was crazy. But it seemed thoroughly plausible. It got me thinking about similar behavior I have witnessed in men throughout my life. From a biological, universal perspective, male and female alike, we are all intimately connected to every other species on the planet. As an artist I love studying these connections, particularly through movement. In my quest to relate to the deeper movement of my heart and to dissolve false manifestations of Patriarchal energy, I have gravitated towards experiences with men that challenge and forward me.

Integrating my history as an athlete with my study of Continuum movement and ecstatic dance, I intend to stay tuned to where the beast in me is breathing.

Not unlike the male mice, somewhere inside every man and me there is a need to physically wrestle with, push up against and be ‘met’ by forces outside our selves.

It is a primal imperative, a hidden, pulsing desire to feel our own strengths matched, tested and known. Unfortunately, men have distorted the expression of this desire and wrought rampant terror and trauma upon the earth. We have turned our fear of this raw power into war, rage, greed and domination. We have subjugated

much of our essence to the brutal arenas of professional sports.

We have brought the world perilously close to self-annihilation.

Now, we have so many opportunities to bring balance to our world.

I believe the true power to do so begins with our ability to harness and release those raw, primal impulses within. In the ritual-based playgrounds I offer for men, called “The Feed of Man,” I am experimenting with issues and questions I face. Most recently, this has evolved into an exploration of the question, “How can men tap into and experience the direct certainty of their strength and physical wisdom, the very ‘intelligence’ of their beings, in a playful, sacred and cooperative way?”

One answer emerged recently by dovetailing a group sounding meditation with collaborative movement. As a result, the beastly impulses we housed were transformed and liberated into calming, non-sexual, sensual pleasure. In that place, we created a potent stillness. In that place, a deep need had been met; yet no one had been eaten, fought or copulated with. In that place, not unlike puppies from the same litter, we fed and sustained one another in a way we have long been craving. I believe it is partly this unfulfilled craving that has led man to his

present state of savage disconnection- from women, from other men and from himself.

If man as a creature does not have to eat, fight or copulate with another creature, what is left? Who is he then? What is driving him?

My personal experiences indicate that a deep desire for intimate communion is driving him. In the wake of the last “Feed of Man,” I have witnessed myself and other men touch deep, emotional places with passion, power and intelligence. This awakens me to new dimensions of ancient, innate impulses and the importance and value of their expression. I can feel my nervous system is more settled around other men, my heart is more open and I am not as afraid of others or myself. This is the kind of world of which I want more.

How about you? b Richard Piscuskas is a writer, Reiki Master, and Union propmaker in Hollywood. He is passionate about Nature and how men deepen connections to their own true nature. The Feed of Man is an offering that combines meditation, experiential discovery and intimate counsel to explore the riches of being men. r_piscuskas@yahoo.com

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Falling in Love With You

by Dr. Meg Haworth

No matter how hard you try, you just don’t do anything right!

I began to refocus my attention towards the things in which I was great. In the beginning it was hard for me to see my greatness amidst the deep wounds I carried around my intelligence. As I explored these beliefs I found that not only am I highly intelligent, I am also highly creative. I draw, sing, dance and write poetry and songs. In addition, I now write entire books, regular articles and teach at the Doctoral level. My commitment to hiding those talents had become a way of fulfilling my beliefs around being small. I did not feel I had anything of value to offer the world.

When are you ever going to learn?

You are so stupid.

Have you ever told yourself these things? How many times a day?

How many times an hour? Paying attention to the regular flow of the self-deprecating voices in your head is one way to begin your commitment to loving you. This is the first thing I suggest you begin to monitor if you desire to raise the level of love you have for you. It may seem like the opposite course of action to take but these voices actually have a whole lot to teach us about love.

Focusing on the worst parts of ourselves is practically an obsession in American culture. Far too often I have seen a great reluctance to self-praise with a propensity to self-loathe. It is worn almost like a badge of honor. Being great has been equated with being superior and it truly does not have to be this way.

We can honor our best qualities, gifts and talents – our own uniqueness – and when we do, the world becomes more fortunate and more evolved because of it.

I discovered that my way of learning was antithetical to traditional educational learning models. It turns out that I am so smart that I can analytically break down the possible choices on a standardized test and intelligently argue for variations on the answers to the questions posed. It is this way with so many people who believe they are not intelligent because they “don’t test well,” which is really saying that they do not fit into the limited categories of westernized traditional learning. It has nothing to do with levels of intelligence.

If you put yourself down throughout the day, others will reflect back to you exactly what you are telling yourself.

If you put yourself down throughout the day, others will reflect back to you exactly what you are telling yourself. What you think and feel about you is what gets produced in the world around you. We are generators of our beliefs and those beliefs will produce what we expect to see in our experiences. Those experiences will be attracted to us through the energy of our own firm adherence to our beliefs.

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For many years, I believed I was of below average intelligence. I was so firm in this belief that I continually attracted people who would tell me that I was not that smart. Guidance counselors, standardized tests, teachers and family members all seemed to conspire against my intelligence.

I had such deep self-judgment, pity and discomfort with my own intelligence that I could no longer take it. When I finally decided to do something about this belief, things began to change.

It is through raising your own value, self-respect, compassion, caring, honesty and integrity that brings you into true love with yourself. Look at any place within you that you believe is a spot of weakness. Check to see if that weakness is being reflected back to you in your experience. Then search for the truth to expose the gem that rests within you. I guarantee it is there. You have many of those gems just waiting to be mined from the depths of your beautiful heart. You can set this in motion at any given moment. You just have to commit to falling in love with you.

Artwork by AnneKarinGlass.com

The Path to Self-Love Worksheet 1. What self-deprecating voices do you

hear in your head on a regular basis?

2. Which one is loudest and comes up

most often?

3. What evidence is there in your life to

show you the opposite of that voice?

4. List your skills, talents, abilities and

strengths. What is great about you?

5. Ask someone who is close to you

what they see as your best qualities and how they see you are opposite of the loudest self deprecating voice in your head.

6. Refocus your attention to commit to

loving you. Write down your main focus.

Falling in love with your self – and I do not mean in a conceited, narcissistic kind of way – is the greatest thing you will ever do. It is the most rewarding path you can walk. Not only does it benefit you, it benefits the entire planet because you did your part to bring love through you. b Dr. Meg Haworth is a purveyor of self-love. She can assist you in your quest for love in Los Angeles or over the phone worldwide. She offers readings, healings, workshops, teleclasses, and her workbook series “Become Who You Are: The Stages of Spiritual Transformation” available through her website at DoctorMeg.com.

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How Spiritually Healthy Are You? Your Relationship With Your God Determines Your Relationship With Other People

by Vaishali

Today we have many sophisticated diagnostic tools available to help us determine our bone density, the iron content of our blood and even the functional capacity of our internal organs. We even have tests to measure our depression, our tendency toward bi-polarity or ADD. However, our level of Spiritual health is rarely, if ever, examined.

Since we are all Spiritual creatures having “embodied” experiences, it would make tremendous sense not to overlook the permanent and eternal aspects of our true nature. After all, our emotional and physiological health really falls under the umbrella of our Spiritual health. So how does one go about a Spiritual selfexamination?

There are three tests we can perform to discern the level of our Spiritual health.

Surprised? Don’t be. We all came to the Earth to engage in what Socrates called the great “know thyself” quest, and to know thyself consciously as a Spiritual being is the best that quest gets!

Test 1: The first thing we want to examine is our perception. This is going to be a bit more challenging than the “turn your head and cough” exam from high school gym class. The results depend on how honest we are willing to be about our internal dialogue. As the great Swedish mystic Emanuel Swedenborg (1688 - 1772) used to say, “You do not have love... you are love.” Love is not a possession. Love is 18 b Relationship v.7

not separate from who and what you are.

Love is not earned; it is embodied. There are no issue hurdles that determine if we are finally deserving and worthy enough to be loved.

Although we have a body we do not have awareness; we are awareness.

Furthermore, our awareness is our Divinity, the part of us that is eternal and unchanging. Our awareness is the part of us that feels it never ages. Therefore, whatever we give our attention to we infuse with our awareness, or our God energy. How healthy you are Spiritually depends completely on: 1. How much attention you give to the Truth about your Divinity.

2. How much separation you make from the tyranny of your own ego, and the lies it fabricates out of ignorance and the need for self-preservation.

Emanuel Swedenborg used to say that being Spiritually healthy was a matter of remembering and forgetting: remembering

to give your attention to the Truth and forgetting everything else. This means forgetting all your own self-perpetuating stories of unlovable and inept; forgetting everything that does not align itself with the Truth that you are love! For the sake of this mutual sharing and going deeper we are going to define Heaven as a place or state of being that is unlimited, and hell as a place or state of being that is limited.

When we surrender our awareness to what lives in Heaven, our Spiritual health is unlimited. When we give our attention to what lives in hell, our Spiritual health will immediately become extremely limited.

How much of the time do you practice giving your attention to Heavenly things such as good faith in life and love, and respecting yourself as a force of love?

Divine Love and Wisdom saw fit to give us sovereignty over our minds. The amount of attention we freely surrender back to Prime Source will tell us the health of our free will, or what Swedenborg called our “Ruling Love.”

Test 2: The second litmus test for Spiritual health is the relationship test.

How healthy are your relationships?

Remember honesty counts! Since all of us are expressions of awareness, or God consciousness, how we treat other people is how we treat God. You can take all the vitamins you want, eat healthy, fresh foods, exercise regularly, drink plenty of water, sleep eight hours nightly, but if you go through your day criticizing yourself and others, finding fault and blame in yourself and others, intimidating, disrespecting or bullying yourself or others, gossiping from a mean spirited heart, or withholding help and compassion from yourself and others, then you are deeply Spiritually unhealthy.

Disenfranchising God consciousness is a Spiritual illness, and the primary symptom of this malady is unhappiness.

creating a new response to old issues, and growing beyond them. Unhealthy God consciousness recreates the old issues: the limited suffering over and over again, without breaking the cycle, without expanding beyond the grasp of unhappiness.

This brings us to Test 3; our last self-examinational procedure. God Consciousness is very, very creative.

God created the Heavens and the Earth. God creates something from nothing. We are here on Earth to create enlightenment from ignorance.

Healthy God consciousness is creative.

When we are Spiritually healthy we are

Giving your attention to these issues consistently produces results that guarantee your unhappiness, yet you still find yourself drinking from this cup. This dysfunction is unhealthy God consciousness habitually recreating its limiting issues, beyond the point of reason or usefulness.

Take a step back and objectively look at your life. How often are you recreating your old issues? You know the old, outdated sources of suffering you love so much to indulge in: worrying, telling yourself you will never be happy or truly loved, building a monument with your awareness to how there is never going to be enough time, love, money or opportunity. Ask yourself how often are you recreating these perceptions? How often do you reach for the worry drug of choice and justify the addiction?

If you practice being creative, you are strengthening your Spiritual health. All of us have mastery over anything only after practice. By being creative, simply for the sake of being creative, you are practicing aligning yourself with the intelligence you need to create enlightenment. You will also have the skill when you need it because you cultivated it. Without some practice of responding to life creatively, how will anyone be able to create a new response to old, ingrained responses?

Like any other form of health, we live on Earth to practice the right relationship with our spirituality. Spiritual health can always be improved with loving attention.

The good news is there are no insurance premiums, no gym fees, no restrictive diets and no personality tests to fail. Spiritual health is every being’s birthright. All we have to do is claim it, live it, share it and shine on! b Vaishali hosts her own weekly “You Are What You Love” web-cast on ContactTalkRadio.com and is a monthly guest host on “Seeing Beyond,” a KEST 1450 AM radio show in San Francisco. Vaishali has appeared on national radio and TV programming and has articles published in magazines nationwide. To learn more please visit PurpleV.com

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Making Sense of Men A conversation with Alison Armstrong

by Vivian L. Geffen

Alison Armstrong knows what both women and men want. As the creator of PAX Programs, she has created a whole curriculum of courses dedicated to helping individuals understand themselves and their partners in relationship.

Her signature course, Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women, has been taught to thousands of women (including many RAY staffers) over the past 15 years. She has just released a new book titled Making Sense of Men: A Woman’s Guide to a Lifetime of Love, Care and Attention from All Men. Vivian Geffen of The RAY recently spoke to Alison about some of her insights on dating and different ways men and women perceive each other.

UnderstandMen.com VG: Regarding dating, do you have any unique advice for women who are wondering “what to do about a man?”

AA: The best advice I can give is to ask herself the question “what would I do if he was my friend?”

VG: Don’t friendship and dating have different dynamics?

AA: That’s where we blow it. A man wants to marry a woman who is both one of his best friends and someone he loves having sex with. Our mistake is that we tend not to make friends with our lovers. If a woman asks herself “What would I do if he were my friend?” she’ll get the most honest, straightforward, authentic partnership oriented answer to the question.

Almost every other question a woman is asking herself will come up with some manipulation or strategy to get herself in the best position before committing. Men hate it when women are strategic, they just want to be treated like decent human beings.

VG: So you’re not a fan of the “don’t call a man” school of dating.

AA: Overwhelmingly men have said that they like a woman to call. Now unfortunately when women hear they should call, they can get carried away and call many times a day and that’s not what I’m talking about. Calling a man is great; pursuing a man doesn’t work very well.

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You can call a man, they love it, it makes them feel like it’s a partnership, it’s reciprocal and they have nothing but good things to say about a woman calling.

VG: Do you find that women project their insecurities onto men’s behaviors?

AA: I would say even more than just insecurities, they project everything. We project our motivations on to them as if they are their motivations. Rarely do men do things for the same reasons as women.

VG: Would you say that men and women have different ways of expressing love?

AA: Yes. Women express love in attentiveness and we experience love as attentiveness and if he’s off doing something else, then our tendency is to think he’s being inattentive and “he doesn’t love me.”

You’ve heard the expression “a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” They have results to produce and life to make better and it’s completely separate from where their hearts are. A man does not necessarily spend his time where his heart is.

VG: In other words, he’ll spend time for where his heart is.

AA: Yes. Aren’t they cool? I think they are really cool.

VG: So, if you think your man is working too much, it’s not necessarily because he doesn’t want to be with you.

AA: The female thinks that if a man’s first priority is his family, he should spend all his time with his family. That is not true for a man. If his family is his first priority he is going to spend his time working to be a good provider for them.

VG: Is that why multi-tasking is considered to be a feminine trait?

AA: People assume that multi-tasking is feminine but it’s not. It’s not even exclusive to women.

What is different is that in a single focus (masculine) person all their tasks are directed toward one result. In a diffuse awareness (feminine) person their tasks can be completely unrelated. They just focus on what’s calling them the loudest. There is no conscious choice in what they are going to spend their energies on, they just go where they are pulled.

A woman can actually be in a masculine mode multi-tasking, rushing around doing everything as fast as she can or she can be in a feminine mode multi-tasking and that’s called puttering and that’s very nurturing. The other one just wears her out.

VG: So the masculine mode is many aspects of one project?

AA: Yes, that’s the distinction. It’s not single focus versus multi-tasking, it is many elements of one focus. It takes a lot of testosterone to be single focused which is why it exhausts women.

VG: You refer to women as energy spendthrifts and men calorie conservers, can you explain those descriptions and talk about how the different dynamics can cause problems in relationship?

AA: I call women the spendthrifts because we have a lot of energy and we spend it on all kinds of things. We’ll spend energy on activities like fluffing and straightening the pillows, cutting the tomato this way instead of that way and doing little curly Q’s on the carrots. They are things that beautify but the point is that we spend energy. We also spend it on arguments and wondering and guessing and worrying. We use it so freely that we have no cognizance that the opposite sex is designed to conserve energy.

I call men the calorie conservers of the universe because they are unconsciously aware that there is a limit to energy and that if you spend it on something frivolous you won’t have it later or for something important.

So, one of the ways we misjudge men is that they will spend their energy on something and we will treat it as trivial or meaningless and have it result in nothing. To them, it is energy that is completely lost.

AA: We make noises like that judgmental little breath or we’ll tsk, tsk. We express disdain and roll our eyes as if he’s ridiculous.

Another thing we do is compare them to other people, especially men. “Well my father never did that.” “Well my ex… did that.”

We ask, “Why don’t you?” questions and those are just stumpers because men are literal. They don’t realize that it is our way of telling them to do something.

An example is “why don’t you take out the trash?” They’ll tell us why they don’t [take out the trash]. They truly fail to realize that it’s our way of telling them to do so. So when they don’t get it, we get really mad at them.

Any “Why don’t you?” question, strike from your vocabulary.

VG: What is something women may not know about themselves with respect to men?

AA: Women don’t know that men absolutely love women. As a starting point, they LOVE us. They think we’re beautiful and fascinating

and magical and possess mysterious abilities that are beyond their understanding.

They need women. They need women’s attention and our care. They need that unique way we listen to them and nurture them and they don’t think there is anything wrong with them that they need women. They are not trying not to need women. They are not trying to grow out of it. They know they need us and they don’t try to resist it. Men know other men need women and they don’t give a man a hard time for going and doing something with a woman.

We have the ability to cut them to the quick without even knowing it, and therefore take no responsibility for it.

Women don’t realize how much men are affected by our happiness. They have a saying, “happy wife, happy life.” They are completely compelled to make us happy and when we are authentically happy and we show it to them, their lives are made. I mean they can do anything. They are empowered by our happiness.

VG: Thank you Alison. b

VG: Clarify that idea please.

AA: For men, there has got to be a return, and the return is literally a return of energy.

Anything that they don’t receive a payoff from, they cannot do again. For example, if you say “why don’t you bring me flowers anymore?”

He’ll say “well, last time you didn’t like them.”

They weren’t the right color or you didn’t even take them out of the wrapping. Essentially he’s telling you “I spent energy that resulted in nothing, why would I do that again? “ The reason they can’t do it is they just can’t do it. They are not built that way. They need to see that their efforts made a difference in order for them to expend the energy again.

VG: So if you like a man, it doesn’t pay to be unimpressed?

AA: On a first date a man will spend energy to impress you because if he can impress you, then he has a chance to make you happy. He will take time and effort and then you’re not impressed. Instead you say “eh I could have done this for myself” or “my other dates take me to nicer places.” There has got to be a return, and the return is that their efforts were worth it because they made a difference. They made us happy; they fed us well; they treated us nicely; earned our respect.

VG: In your course you talk about ways women disempower men. Are there any common examples of ways we do that?

theRAY.org b 21

Did You Know?

The Benefits of Basil

by Jentana Dabbs

“Basil has anti-bacterial properties shown to provide protection against unwanted bacterial growths that have developed high level resistance to antibiotics,” says a study published in July 2003 Journal of Microbiology Methods.

Not only that, but basil is an anti-inflammation herb loaded with magnesium. Basil emerged from our food ranking system as a very good source of vitamin K, iron, calcium, potassium and vitamin C. Imagine, this little green Italian herb that I love on my pastas with fresh sliced heirloom tomatoes, olive oil and garlic is helping me prevent cancer, build strong bones and support my immune system. It also keeps me resistant to oxidization, which contributes to aging.

BASIL PESTO

In celebration of one of my favorite versatile herbs and the spring’s harvest here is a very simple quick recipe that not only tastes great, but can also be part of a lifetime of wellness, sharp thinking and beauty. Enjoy!

What this is good for…

The basil is an anti-inflammatory; flaxseed oil is one of the richest vegetarian sources of Omega-3s from the plant kingdom and plays a key role in how oxygen is carried throughout the body; garlic is anti-fungal, anti-parasitic, antioxidant; parsley is high in chlorophyll which also assists in oxygen transportationthe liver loves parsley! Lecithin is good for cardio function, brain and memory building and fat metabolizing.

This pesto is good for those needing to balance the body, antiCandida diet, raw food enthusiasts, weight loss, depression, cognitive function, autism and ADD. Jentana Lee Dabbs is a Lifestyle and Conscious Cooking Coach. She is the founder of the I’m Becoming Free Institute focusing on the integration of mind, body empowerment, how balance and optimal health is achieved through nutrition far more affectively than through psychoactive medication. She lectures on the extreme affects of toxins in our foods and environment and how to protect you and your children. For more information visit JentaBoost.com

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3-4 Cups fresh basil ¾ cup organic, unrefined flax

3 Tbsp lemon juice (approximately 1 juicy lemon)

or pumpkin seed oil

3-4 cloves garlic

1 tsp. sea salt

½ cup flat leaf parsley

Rind of 1 lemon

1 Tbsp. lecithin

In a blender, combine ingredients. Blend until thoroughly pureed. Serve over noodles, grains, red potatoes, a salad or a platter of vegetables.

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