by
John Bartlett
Sleeping Beauty by John Bartlett © John Bartlett 2009. All Rights Reserved This e-script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owners or their agent. Photocopying this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited.
This play is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ‘Sleeping Beauty’ is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The right of John Bartlett to be identified as the intellectual owner of the work have been asserted by him in accordance with the above Act While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this musical play, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein.
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First Edition
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SE-0195
(Rev A)
Cast (8m, 6f, 3m/f) Principals (5m, 3f) Carabosse Dame Tizzy Wiz Dame Wizzy Tiz Jack Baron Pushover Sergeant Drill Spot Boil
A wicked fairy Great granddaughter to Dame Wizzy Tiz Dame Tizzy Wiz’s great grandmother The Dame’s son Local landowner and Squire Commanding Officer in Prince Frederick’s army The Baron’s Broker’s Man The Baron’s Broker’s Man
Support (2m, 3f, 3m/f) Good Fairy Prince Frederick Princess Briar Rose King Grumble Queen Grumble Tick Tock Zippo the Magnificent Spitfire Griselda the Gorilla
A Good Fairy A Prince seeking a bride Daughter to King and Queen Ethelbert Father to Princess Briar Rose Mother to Princess Briar Rose A kitchen porter (preferably male, but could be female) A kitchen porter (preferably male, but could be female) Ringmaster from the travelling circus (preferably male, but could be female) Prince Frederick’s Horse Female gorilla recently escaped from the travelling circus
Chorus A platoon of northern soldiers (of either sex) serving in Prince Frederick’s army: Private Shufflebottom, Private Grimshaw, Private Bracegirdle, Private Bottomley, Private Allcock, Private Ecclescake Additional chorus names if required : Private Ramsbottom, Private Higginbottom, Private Babcock, Private Blenkinsopp, Private Bainbridge, Private Ainsworth, Private Arbuthnot, Private Atkinson
For small casts the doubling of some parts is possible, as is the combining of chorus parts.
Also by John Bartlett … Ali Baba El Ranseed, a filthy beggar finds a magic soft-drink can and is granted three wishes by the Genie of the Can. His first wish is to have a food plate that never empties, and so later, just by chance, he is appointed Chief Food Taster to the Sultan, having been apprehended by Mustaphaslap and Mustaphatickle, the rather dim-witted palace guards. Dame Fatty Ma and her two sons, Ali Baba (the dopey one) and Kassim Baba (the intelligent, handsome one) add more than an appropriate amount of mayhem, mirth and mischief as they battle against El Ranseed in order that Kassim can marry the Sultan’s daughter.
Hansel And Gretel An argument between the Demon and the Fairy about who's going to win the day results in the Demon breaking the power-removal spell that the Fairy placed in last year’s panto on Winnie the Witch. With her black powers restored, Winnie, with the demon in tow, sets about trying to regain the things lost to her - money (she casts a spell to transfer the contents of the Palace vaults to her cottage) and a child to Boil up and eat for dinner! Dame Fluffalot arrives and sends her children, Hansel and Gretel, off to buy some ingredients for baking a cake - yes, it's very messy for all concerned when they later get the mixing bowls out.
i
ACT 1 Essentially the set is that of a typical pantomime street scene. On one side of the stage is the Briar Rose Taverna which for the beginning of Act 1 is opened up to reveal the interior. There is a bar off centre, when the Taverna is closed this needs to be struck for Act 1 Sc. 2. On the walls there are four picture frames, the first one has a picture of Dame Tizzy Woz and the fourth has a picture of Dame Wizzy Tiz, the second is a compilation picture of Dame Tizzy Woz and Dame Wizzy Tiz, in the third picture, which should be as central as possible, there is a blank canvas, it is in this frame that the shadow play takes place. There is a smaller fifth picture frame, also in a prominent position, where the hairclip is displayed. There is a front door off centre and down stage there is a doorway to Dame Tizzy Wiz’s private quarters, when the set is closed up these two doors should coincide with each other.
MUSIC #1 : SUITABLE PLAY-IN MUSIC Scene 1
The Immortals
There is a red fairy flash enter Carabosse S.L.
Carabosse
Dame Tizzy has a comb hidden quite safe That once belonged to her that kept the faith Now a hundred years have gone and past And Briar Rose is about to wake up at last She nearly died from a prick on her finger And all this time I’ve had to wait and linger Now the time is ripe to play my final hand Her life will slip away like grains of sand Never will I give up until this debt is paid I must complete the spell I originally made A coma’s required that’s terminal and fatal I’ll saturate her comb in poison that’s lethal And once the deadly comb is safe in her hair She’ll slowly die as her eyes glaze and stare Ha! Ha! Ha!
There is a silver fairy flash and the Good Fairy enters S.R.
Good Fairy
Carabosse
Carabosse I thwarted your spell so long ago And I’ll do it again as you very well know Whatever your dastardly plans of evil invention I’ll protect Briar Rose from your wicked intention Bah! I thought you were dead you fairy frump Here, have some fleas to make you jump
She waves her wand. SFX of an evil magic spell is heard; in a large sweeping arc she also sprays the Good Fairy and the audience with rice died black for the purpose.
I’ll have my revenge of this I’m quite sure She’ll die from a fever without any cure A thousand carbuncles, Boils and Spots If I had a pen you could join up the dots A painful death horrible and gruesome And if you stick around I’ll make it a twosome Ha! Ha! Ha! She exits cackling S.L.
Good Fairy
Well we shall see, what we shall see In the meantime little black fleas get away from me. 1
The Good Fairy waves her wand. SFX of a magic spell is heard.
Dame Tizzy Good Fairy
Now for the present Briar Rose is safely dreaming But I must be sure to foil Carabosse’s scheming My work is undoubtedly cut out, but never fear (Calling) Jack! Jack! Hark! A voice, now who is coming here? The consequences might be evil and tragic I must quickly depart to prepare my magic But whether by day or the light of the moon I’m sure to see you all again quite soon If ever I am needed just shout and yell Goodbye for now, goodbye and farewell
The Good Fairy exits S.R. waving.
Scene 2 (Enter the Dame) Dame Tizzy Wiz is heard off left.
Dame Tizzy
(Off) Jack! Jack!
Where have you got to, you naughty, naughty boy! Come and help me with this shopping! (She enters wrestling with several bags of shopping, and ‘sees’ the audience). Oh hello, you must have been here for ages, you don’t have to tell me, the service in here is terrible and I should know …. I own the place! Ha! Ha! Ha! Well that is until that wicked old Baron Pushover persuaded me to take out a loan … now he owns the place … well not quite, just as long as I can find enough dosh to pay him off, then I’ll be all right for another month or so, but with business as bad as it is there’s a fat chance of that happening! Oh well there’s no use crying over spilt milk, I’m sure something will turn up, it usually does, otherwise I’ll have to pay him in kind ….. again! … ‘Ere what are you sniggering at? I’ll have you know, underneath this lot I’m a sight for sore eyes, besides its amazing what a little imagination can do, well in my case quite a lot actually. Once upon a time I used to be the Belle of the Ball you know; ah those were the days … the bright lights … the fishnet tights … the itsy bitsy … well perhaps I had better stop there before I get too carried away! Which reminds me, I must have been having a little senior moment, I haven’t introduced myself have I? My name is Dame Tizzy Wiz (Holding out her hand) How do you do? … I am sure you can do better than that; I said my name is Dame Tizzy Wiz, how do you do? … If you don’t mind me saying so I think that was pathetic. I know why don’t I come in again and when I say (Singing) “He-ll-o” you all shout “He-ll-o Dame Tizzywizy” … can you all do that? You can? Well you don’t sound too sure, let’s have a little practice, ready? “He-ll-o” (She cups her ear toward the audience). Right, I’ll just go behind here and when I say “He-ll-o” you all shout as loud as you can! (She exits behind the bar and shouts, off). Are you ready? Are you steady? Coming ready or not! (She re-enters). He-ll-o! … That’s better; I can see we’re going to get along famously. Now, what did I come in here for? Oh dear, I think I’m having another one of those senior moments, now what was it, er, um, er It’ll come to me in a minute … er, oh yes, now I remember, I’m looking for my good-for-nothing son, Jack! Have you seen him he’s about this big and looks like a proper Charley, even though he’s a Jack! (Unbeknown to her, Jack creeps out from behind the U.S. door, sneaks up behind her and kicks her in the posterior. As she leaps in the air with surprise he hastily makes good his escape. Then, indignantly).Who did that? … Who? … What? … He’s behind me? (Obviously with the same intention, Jack surreptitiously begins to creep out once more). He’s what? Behind me … are you sure? Well I’ll just have
a little look. 2
(As she turns, Jack follows her round so that they end up in the same position as before). There’s nobody there … you’re just having me on! (Jack kicks her in the rear and hides behind the counter). Ye-ow! There’s something very fishy going on around here and if it’s the last thing I do I’m going to get to the bottom of it! (Jack kicks her in the rear and hides behind the counter as before). Right that’s it! Which way did he go? (She crosses the stage from one side to the other always going the wrong way). Over here? … What over here? … He’s where? (Jack keeps popping up from behind the counter). He’s where? … Behind here, right I’ll get him this time, just you watch! (As she creeps round the U.S. end of the counter, Jack creeps round from the D.S. end and exits at the U.S. end). I thought you said he was
behind the counter … he’s what? … He’s still behind there! … Well this is the last time. (She creeps round the U.S. end of the counter once more, but as Jack creeps round backwards, she doubles back and stands with her arms crossed waiting for him to bump into her). And what exactly are you playing at? (Startled, but quickly recovering, Jack leaps up and makes a horrible face). Jack, don’t be so rude! When I was your age my mother said if I made ugly
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
faces like that … Like what? (She makes an ugly face) Like that! She said if I wasn’t careful I’d stick like that forever.
Well you can’t say you weren’t warned! How dare you, anyway where have you been, you were supposed to be here half an hour ago. Why did something happen?
Jack blows a raspberry, a chase ensues round and round the bar before he exits through the D.S. door closely pursued by Dame Tizzy Wiz.
Dame Tizzy
Come back here you naughty boy! (Jack enters and hides behind the bar a moment later she enters holding an old fashioned potty, holding her nose she makes her intentions very clear to the audience). One … Two … Three!
She tips the contents of the potty (a small amount of water and a rubber ‘poo’) onto Jack.
Jack
(Bedraggled) Awe mum what did you do that for I’m all covered in shhh….
To the tune of ‘My Bonny Lies Over The Ocean’ Dame Tizzy Wiz cuts in and sings. After a line or two Jack joins in:
Dame Tizzy Shhh-ine up your buttons with Brasso Only one-fifty a tin (You can) Buy it or nick it from Wilkos Providing the managers not in, not in Providing the managers not in! Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
But Mum that doesn’t change the fact I’m still all wet! Nothing new there then, you always were a bit wet behind the ears. Yeah but not with shhh …
Dame Tizzy Wiz cuts in and sings once more. As before, after a line or two Jack joins in:
Dame Tizzy Shhh-ine up your buttons with Brasso Only one-fifty a tin (You can) Buy it or nick it from Wilkos Providing the managers not in, not in Providing the managers not in! Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
But Mum I’m still all … Oh stop making such a fuss, what’s a bit of pee-pee among friends? Hey Mum what do you call a man with a car on his head? Oh Jack, you and your jokes … oh well, go on surprise me, Jack. You just said it! 3
Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Said what? A man with a car on his head is called Ja … Er, um, er I’m thinking, er, er I er, don’t tell me, no you’ll just have to tell me, Jack. But that’s it … Jack! What do you mean … “That’s it, Jack”! That’s the answer! What is? Jack! A man with a car on his head is called … Jack! (Pause) I don’t get it. Oh, never mind. Well, as we’re telling jokes, here’s one for you, why did the Maharishi … The what? The Maharishi. What’s a Mishi-hori? How should I know, now pay attention and stop ruining my joke. You ruined mine. Didn’t! Did! Didn’t! Did! Didn’t! Oh yes you did! Oh no I didn’t! Oh yes you did! Oh no I didn’t! Oh yes you did! Oh no I didn’t! Oh yes you did! Enough! Enough! Oh yes you … One more word out of you and I’ll make your pips squeak! Really, you can try! Yes really, right now we’ve got that sorted, why did the Mahorishi refuse anaesthetic at the dentists? I don’t know. He wanted to transcend dental medication. I don’t get it. Not being a child of the sixties, like me, (she performs a sixties dance.), I wouldn’t expect you to! Anyway, enough of this, where have you been all this time, I’ve looked all over the place and you were nowhere to be found … up to no good I expect. I’ve been eavesdropping. Eavesdropping … that’s my boy! Yeah, eavesdropping on Baron Pushover and his two cronies, Spot and Boil. Sounds promising, what’s the news? An ill wind blows no good! (Indignant) Says who? The Baron’s sending Spot and Boil round to collect … Collect what? The third instalment. Instalment? 4
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
Yes the third repayment on the loan you took out with the Baron’s new financial planning company. Pah! Fat chance, he hasn’t collected the first or second yet! Precisely! He says that this time if he doesn’t get his dosh he’s foreclosing! He can’t do that. Oh yes he can, you should have read the small print. I tried but it was too small! That’s why it’s called small print. Well it didn’t make any sense anyway. It’s not meant to make any sense. (She takes out a document and reads) “The indenture of the third inst. Sub clause six, paragraph three, states that; the agreement will be null and void on the advent of non payment of dues in respect of the said loan between the two parties. To this forgone conclusion and ultimate outcome the deeds goods and chattels appertaining to collateral of the loan will be forfeit and pass to the rightful owner of the advanced monies in respect of money advanced by the money advancement lender.” You’ve really done it this time. No I haven’t! Don’t you realise what this means? No. The Baron’s got you over a barrel! Oooh Matron, he should be so lucky! If you don’t cough up the dosh the Briar Rose Taverna and everything in it will belong to the Baron! What everything? Yes everything; the building and all the furniture. If that meanie old Baron thinks he’s going to get into my drawers he can think again! I don’t know what your great, great grandmother, Dame Wizzy Tiz would have said, if she ever finds out she’ll be turning in her grave. Oh dear, whatever are we to do! We’ll just have to raise some cash. That’s easier said than done! We’ll have to sell something. There’s nothing left worth selling. There must be something, what about those old pictures We can’t sell those, they’re family heirlooms, besides who in their right mind would want to buy them? The travelling funfair and circus is in town, they might like them. What on earth for? To go in the ‘House of Horrors’ or the ‘Ghost Train’ of course! Oh of course, how dare you insult our ancestors, have you no respect? Don’t answer that! Why do you need three of them, they all look like you anyway? I suppose there is a slight family resemblance. Slight! Well what about this one (Pointing at the empty fourth frame) there’s nothing in it at all; it’s just a grotty old frame! That’s because it’s reserved. Reserved, what for? (Dramatically) When my time comes that’s all you will have left to remember me by. Well there must be something, what about that old thing? (Pointing at the frame and hairclip)
Dame Tizzy
No I can’t sell that, it belongs to Princess Briar Rose. 5
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
You don’t really believe in that silly old-wives tale do you? I bet it’s worth a bomb, look at all those shiny stones, they could be diamonds! Now look here … Then we would have enough money to pay off the Baron and … Just a minute … But Mum, then we would have enough money to live in luxury for the rest of our days! Don’t you “but Mum” me, you know very well I promised my mother, your grandmother, Dame Tizzy Woz, who promised her mother, my grandmother, your great grandmother, Dame Wizzle Toz, who promised her mother, my great grandmother, your great great grandmother Dame Wizzy Tiz, that when the time comes we would return the hair clip to its rightful owner, Princess Briar Rose! Bah! Poppycock and Balderdash! That’s quite enough of that, if you don’t mind! I do mind and I still think we should sell it, I just wish you would see reason!
There is a red fairy flash S.L. enter Fairy Carabosse.
Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Jack Carabosse Dame Tizzy Jack Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy
Ooo-er! Stand by your beds! New combs for old, new combs for old, new combs … How did you do that? Do what? That red flashy number. What red flashy number? Well whatever it was, you’ve given me the colley-wobbles! And me! The what? The heebie-jeebies! And me! Well keep them to yourself! I didn’t want them in the first place. What are you talking about? … Don’t answer that; life’s too short! Well, as you are here, even though you’ve given me the heebie-jeebies, how can I help you? Well I’m looking for a … (Interrupting) A room! Show me the colour of your money and I’ll show you the colour of a room, very reasonable rates.
Throughout the next section Jack produces the various items; room keys, plum duff, Spotted dick, a bird cage and toy bird.
Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy
Carabosse
No, all I want is … (Interrupting) Something to eat? Jack, go and rustle up some of that left over plum duff. No thank you, I want … (Interrupting) Spotted-dick? No, I’m not hungry, I want … (Interrupting) Something to drink? No, what I want is … (Interrupting) A budgie going cheap? Why am I not surprised; thank you, but no! If you’ve just come in here to sit down, eat your own sandwiches, drink your own drink and pass the time of day wasting my time, you can push off and go somewhere else. I’ve a business to run! I have a proposition to make. 6
Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Jack Dame Tizzy
You aren’t the first. New combs for old, new combs for old! That sounds familiar, don’t you mean lamps? If I wanted lamps, I would have said lamps; combs, new combs for old! All right, keep your hair on … combs … hair … Oh never mind! My good woman, for the last time do you have any combs? Combs, looking at the state of your hair you could do with a brush. Combs! Combs! Combs! If I give you a comb, promise me you’ll never part with it. How can you be so stupid, this is an offer you can’t refuse; new combs for old, new combs for old! We don’t want to swap but we are interested in selling. No we’re not!
Jack shows Carabosse the comb.
Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Jack Dame Tizzy Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Dame Tizzy
Well, I might be tempted, how much do you want for it? It’s not for sale! I wasn’t asking you, was I? It’s not for sale because it doesn’t belong to us; we’re just looking after it. Yeah, for a hundred years. So if you wouldn’t mind closing the wood in the door as you leave. You are a very annoying old woman! Old, who are you calling old? Look, all I’m interested in is old combs and if this doesn’t belong to you then who does it belong to? Supposedly, a princess. Stuff and nonsense! Exactly. I don’t see what it has got to do with you, but suffice it to say, this comb belongs to Princess Briar Rose! I see. Do you? And where exactly can I find this Princess Briar Rose? You can’t, because she doesn’t exist. Yes she does. If Princess Briar Rose doesn’t exist then how can the comb belong to an imaginary person? It’s just some stupid story my great, great grandmother, Dame Wizzy Tiz, made up. Really, tell me more. Well apparently, many, many years ago, so long ago that nobody can remember, when … Stop! If anybody is going to tell the story then I am!
INSERT SHADOW PLAY (See Appendix A) The lights fade and the blank picture frame becomes a shadow screen on which the story unfolds, narrated by Dame Tizzy Wiz. The lights fade up.
Carabosse Jack
None of this seems very plausible to me. I agree! 7
Carabosse Jack Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Jack Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy
Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Jack
Dame Tizzy
If this Princess Briar Rose lived in a castle, where is it now? Yeah, castles don’t just disappear. I’m coming to that. And even if there was a King and Queen what makes you so certain, after all this time, that this is the actual comb that belonged … Belongs! Oh very well … belongs, to this fanciful …. Fictitious! Princess? How do I know? I just do, that’s all! This comb has been in our family for generations; a hundred years to be precise. Is that so? Yes it is so! Doesn’t prove anything. Proof, you want proof … I can show you proof. I have in my possession a letter proving the comb belongs to Princess Briar Rose. (Trying to hide her interest) A letter you say? Yes I have, (looking behind the counter), it’s behind here somewhere … I saw it only the other day … ah here we are. (She puts on her reading glasses). “Dear Mr Botolini, Thank you so much for the wonderful present you made for me on the occasion of my eighteenth birthday, I shall treasure it always. Please forgive me for returning the comb to you in the safe keeping of my trustworthy Nanny, Dame Wizzy Tiz” … who, incidentally, was my Great Grandmother … “but I noticed that some of the precious stones were a little loose and I was hoping you would be able to stick them back in again, the kindest regards, signed Princess Briar Rose”. Give that letter to me. (She snatches the letter from Dame Tizzy and quickly peruses the contents). Ah-ha! Oi, manners! At last! At last! I’d recognize that sickly sweet, squirmy handwriting anywhere. (Snatching the letter back) Give that back to me you old witch. If I were you, I’d be careful what you say. Well I’m not you am I. Now, now you two, play nicely … there’s no use in squabbling. Well it seems this letter establishes the comb really did belong to Princess Briar Rose, what will you give us for it? (Holding the letter and comb to her ample bosom) I told you, it’s not for sale, so if you don’t mind …
With great dignity Dame Tizzy Wiz exits through the U.S.L. door.
Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse
Come back here! (Poking her head out from behind the door) Never, now push off you old crone! (Angrily preparing a spell) By all the powers of … (Interrupting) Oh don’t mind her, she’s just a little head-strong that’s all. Don’t interrupt! (Conjuring). By all the powers …
Her bark is much worse than her bite. I dare say. By all the … (Suddenly changing). you seem like a sensible young man; perhaps you and I could do business. Of course we can, how can I be of assistance? Get me the comb and I’ll cross your palm with silver. Mmm, well … Gold? 8
Jack
It won’t be easy, but I think I might be able to …
The front door bursts open and Spot and Boil enter.
Spot Boil Spot Spot & Boil Carabosse
Ah there you are. We’ve got to settle some business … With your mother … So where is she? If you don’t mind!
Spot and Boil grab Carabosse.
Spot Boil Carabosse Spot
No, we don’t mind So off you go and frighten some children. Unhand me at once! Yeah and shut the door behind you.
Spot and Boil hustle Carabosse out, pleased with themselves they rub their hands, Carabosse re-enters and with a SFX bump she pushes them apart.
Boil Jack Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Carabosse Boil Carabosse Boil Carabosse Jack Carabosse Spot Boil Spot Spot & Boil Spot Spot & Boil Boil
Now listen here you old bag we’re on … (Interrupting) Time and a half? Yeah … no we’re here on Baron Pushover’s orders. Very important business, so unless you clear off … Scarper … Vamoose, double quick! Spot and I will have to … Give you the once over and you won’t like that. No you won’t, his middle name’s ‘Knuckles’ … (He makes a fist and with the aid of some magic from Carabosse, he hits himself) … capiche? No it isn’t, it’s Cecil, but don’t tell anybody. Spot? Yes, Boil. Shut up! Yes, Boil. So my good woman, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll … Clear off double quick! But … Without another word. You might live to regret this. Oooh! I’m really frightened. So you should be! Look it might be better if you just leave quietly and come back later. Very well but remember we have some unfinished business to attend to. And, as for you two Herbert’s, I’ll be seeing you around. Hey Boil, I think you’ve got a date with the old baggage. Yeah, and maybe, if you’re lucky Spot, she might have an old crow for you too. I don’t like blind dates. For the last time clear off. Yeah go on, get lost! (They seize Carabosse and throw her out) One! Two! Three! Go and play with the traffic!
Spot and Boil unceremoniously hustle Carabosse out again and shut the door behind her.
Spot
Right you little pip-squeak, where’s Dame Tizzy Wiz? 9
Jack Spot Jack Boil Jack Spot Jack Spot Boil Spot Jack Spot Jack
I don’t know who you are talking about. Of course you do, she’s your Mum isn’t she? Who is? Dame Tizzy Wiz of course. Oh her, why didn’t you say so in the first place? I did. I haven’t seen her in ages, perhaps you could come back later. Seems fair enough, come on Boil, let’s go. Just a minute you can’t get away with that. Yeah, we weren’t born yesterday you know. How long is a minute? What? You’re confusing me you are. It all depends on which side of the toilet door you’re standing on. (Mimes ‘desperate to go’).
Spot Jack Boil Jack Spot Jack Spot Boil Jack
Or sitting. He has a point you know, he’s not as stupid as he looks. Yes he is. Perhaps you’re right. ‘Ere are you taking the Mickey out of me, because if you are I’m going to brain you! Take the Mickey out of you … it’s hardly worth the trouble. I’m definitely going to brain him, Boil don’t hold me back. Spot, calm yourself. Have some of this.
Jack takes down a bottle from the shelf and offers it to Spot.
Spot Jack Spot Boil Spot Boil
What is it? An obscure Spanish liqueur! An obscure Spanish liqueur … I’m not drinking that! Why not, it’s free. I don’t hold with all that foreign muck. Here give it to me, if you don’t want any I’ll have some.
Boil takes a large swig out of the bottle.
Spot
Well, if you are then so will I!
Spot also takes a large swig out of the bottle; they instantly spit the liquid into each others faces.
Spot & Boil Boil Jack Boil Jack Spot Jack Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Jack Spot
Eugh! That stuff isn’t fit for a pig! Really, well I’ll get you some that is. ‘Ere are you calling me a pig, because if you are I’ll … No, he’s the pig, you’re just a swine … look, all you have to do is try and keep an open mind but make sure you don’t tip your head to one side. Why’s that? Otherwise what little sense you do have will fall out! Right that’s it, don’t try and hold me back, Boil. I won’t! I’m really going to brain him this time, I really am! Good! I’m going to do it, I am! No you’re not. Oh yes I am. 10
Jack Spot & Boil Jack Spot & Boil Jack Spot & Boil Jack Spot & Boil Boil Spot Boil Spot Jack Spot Jack Spot & Boil Jack Spot & Boil Jack Spot & Boil Jack Spot & Boil Jack Spot & Boil Boil Jack Spot & Boil
Oh no you’re not! Oh yes we are! Oh no you’re not! Oh yes we are! Oh yes you are! Oh no we’re not! Oh yes you are! Oh no we’re not! Here just a minute, he’s turned the tables on us. He’s what? He’s saying, “Oh yes we are” and we’re saying “Oh no we’re not”! Oh yeah, you’re right. Oh no I’m not. Oh yes you are. Oh no I’m not! Oh yes you are! Oh no I’m not! Oh yes you are! Oh yes I am! Oh no you’re not! Oh yes I am! Oh no you’re not! Oh yes I am! Oh no you’re not! Hang on, he’s done it again. Oh no I haven’t! Oh yes you have!
Dame Tizzy Wiz enters from the U.S.L. door.
Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Spot Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Jack Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Spot Boil Spot
Here, what’s all this noise I’m trying to catch up on my beauty sleep in there! Beauty sleep, that’s a laugh! Oh it’s you two, I might have known it. Even if you slept for a hundred years it wouldn’t make any difference. Yeah, you’ve got the sort of face that turns milk sour. Now you listen here. No you listen here, we’ve been sent round … (Interrupting) Round the bend? Yeah we’ve been sent round the bend. No we haven’t. Haven’t we? No! Well, you could have fooled me. Too easy. Spot let me handle this, as I was saying we’ve been sent round to … (Interrupting) To drive me up the wall? Yeah, we’ve been sent round to drive you up the wall. Well, you’ve succeeded. ‘Ere Boil, that isn’t right. What isn’t? We haven’t been sent round to drive her up the wall. 11
Dame Tizzy Spot Dame Tizzy Jack Spot & Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Spot Dame Tizzy
Why not, you should always say what you mean, besides what do you get if you pull your pants right up to your neck. A wedgie? No a chest of drawers! Yeah, and what do you call a man with a seagull on his head? What? Cliff! Cliff, that’s really awful, that is. I know, but it’s not his fault he’s been around for ever, is it? Who has? Cliff … (Singing) … “Congratulations and celebrations …” … Fancy a dance?
MUSIC #2 : ‘SUMMER HOLIDAY’ Without waiting for an answer Dame Tizzy Wiz and Jack take hold of Spot and Boil in a ballroom hold and waltz round the stage whilst singing ‘Summer Holiday’.
Jack
You can lead. Dame & Jack
Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Spot Dame Tizzy Boil Spot Dame Tizzy Spot Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Jack Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Dame Tizzy Boil
We’re all going on a summer holiday, No more working for a week or two … etc
I’ve just about had enough of this! You and me both, you stood on my bunions twice. No I didn’t. Oh yes you did. Oh no I didn’t. Oh yes you did. Oh no I didn’t. Isn’t this where you came in? Precisely! We’ve come to collect the money you owe Baron Pushover, there at last, I’ve finally said it! Well done, Boil. Took you long enough; now do come again, won’t you? We certainly will, won’t we Spot? Yeah, we will. Well, bye for now. Cheerio. (Suddenly realising) Just a cotton-picking minute, are you trying to make a monkey out of me? Not really, you seem to be doing very well on your own. Here’s your statement. (He hands her a piece of paper). Thank you so much, I’ll have Jack bring round the money straight away, I can’t be fairer than that now, can I? No you can’t. Well now that’s settled, we’ll be off. Jolly good … bye. Goodbye. Boil? Come on Spot, we’ve got what we came for. But … No buts! T.T.F.N. What? 12
Dame Tizzy Spot Boil Jack Dame Tizzy Boil Spot Boil Spot
Ta Ta for Now! But, Boil! Will you please get a move on otherwise I really will go round the bend. Who do you think you are? Mr Muscle? Loves the jobs you hate! Right that’s just about the last straw, Spot, you can stay here if you want, but these two are driving me crazy! Yeah, me too! I’m off! You two are doing my nut, you is! (Boil exits through the front door). Hey wait for me!
Spot quickly follows Boil and exits the same way.
Jack & Dame (‘Singing’) Byeeee! Dame Tizzy Good that’s got rid of them! Quick, before they realise, bolt the door Jack! Jack bolts the door.
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
Good riddance to bad rubbish is what I say and we haven’t coughed up a penny. Those two will have to get up a lot earlier to get one over on me! I would love to see the Baron’s face when Spot and Boil turn up empty handed.
There is a loud knocking on the door.
Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Boil Jack & Dame Spot & Boil Jack & Dame Spot & Boil Jack & Dame
Oh bother we’ve been rumbled already; whatever you do don’t answer the door. What sort of a numpty do you take me for? Where shall I start? (Off) Knock! Knock! Who’s there? (Off) You. You who? (Off) Yoo-hoo anybody at home? No we’re both out.
Jack and Dame Tizzy Wiz press their ears to the door.
Dame Tizzy Spot & Boil Jack & Dame Spot & Boil Jack & Dame Spot & Boil Boil Dame Tizzy Spot & Boil Dame Tizzy Spot & Boil Dame Tizzy Spot & Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Jack & Dame Boil Jack & Dame
(Whispering) I think it’s worked. (Off) Knock! Knock!
Who’s there? (Off) Hans! Hans who? (Off) Just wait until we get our hands on you two! (Off) Now open this door! Not on your Nelly! (Off) What? Knock! Knock! (Off) Who’s there? Dummy. (Off) Dummy who? Dummy a favour and get lost! (Off) Knock! Knock! Who’s there? (Off) Jester. Jester who?
Spot enters through the DS door
13
Spot Dame Tizzy Jack Spot Dame Tizzy Spot Dame Tizzy Spot Jack Dame Tizzy Spot Dame Tizzy Spot Dame Tizzy
Jester minute while you open this door. Argh! Jack we’re surrounded! How did you get in? Never you mind, it doesn’t matter. But it does matter, it’s, it’s spooky. What is? Mind over matter! Shut-up and open the door, or else! Or else what? Jack don’t say ‘what’, say ‘pardon’. Enough! Oooh! I love a forceful man. For the last time open this door! Oh, very well.
Dame Tizzy Wiz opens the door and let’s Boil in.
Boil Spot Boil Dame Tizzy Spot Boil Dame Tizzy Jack Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Spot & Boil Dame Tizzy Spot & Boil Dame Tizzy
Nice try. Yeah, we nearly fell for it but we are two clever by half! You can’t pull the wool over our eyes! Boys, boys why would I want to play a dirty trick like that? She’s got a point, Boil; why would she want to pull wool over our eyes? Spot, don’t be an idiot all your life. Don’t listen to him, you’ll never get in the Guinness Book of Records otherwise. Yeah, why change a habit of a lifetime. Listen, the Baron said we weren’t to leave here without his money, so cough up! Cough up? You know what I mean. Do I? Yes you do! Why didn’t you say so before? We did! All right, all right … (Looking at the statement) … now let’s have a closer look at this little old statement of yours. Spot & Boil Yours! Dame Tizzy Tch! Tch! Tch! There seems to be a little mistake here. Spot & Boil Where? Dame Tizzy What are three times three? Boil Two hundred and seventy four. Dame Tizzy Typical! Spot, what are three times three? Spot Tuesday. Dame Tizzy Tuesday? Spot Yep, three times three is definitely Tuesday! Dame Tizzy Jack? Jack (Appealing to the audience) Nine! Dame Tizzy Brilliant, Jack tell these two nincompoops how you worked it out? Jack That’s easy … I just subtracted two hundred and seventy four from Tuesday! Boil Look … Jack & Dame Where? Boil Just pay the bill and we won’t have to trash the place. Spot Or beat you to a pulp like strawberry jam! 14
Spot there’s no need for that; mind you he does have a point! (Quickly) Do him first! (Pointing to Jack). What! Er, I mean, Jack, fetch my bag! Right-e-ho, mum. We’ll have this sorted out in no time. Here you are, mum. Now let me see. (She looks in her bag). Oh dear, I seem to be right out of notes … ah, here we are. (She gives Boil 50p). Boil What’s this? Jack 50p! Dame Tizzy Coin of the realm! Jack Dosh! Dame Tizzy Filthy lucre! Jack & Dame Money! Spot & Boil We don’t need to be told what it is! Dame Tizzy Well what did you ask for then? Spot & Boil We’re asking for the rest of it! Dame Tizzy Well, why don’t you just call it a down payment? Spot I’ll be putting you down in a minute! Boil Don’t say you haven’t been warned. Dame Tizzy Oh dear, oh dear you two are very tiresome, very well … Jack? Jack Yes, mum? Dame Tizzy Fetch my pen. Jack Yes, mum. Boil Now what? Dame Tizzy I presume you’ll accept a cheque? Boil Certainly. Dame Tizzy Good, who shall I make it payable to? Spot Baron … Boil One ‘R’ … Spot Pushover … all one word. Dame Tizzy Righty-tighty! (Writing). Pay Baron Pushover the sum of five hundred and sixty five pounds, there you are! Boil Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Dame Tizzy Wiz hands over the cheque.
Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Boil Spot
I’m not an idiot you know. Really, you could have fooled me! You haven’t signed it! Oh yes, silly me! (Signing). Dame Tizzy Wiz … there how’s that? That will do nicely. It’s been very good doing business with you.
Spot and Boil begin to leave.
Dame Tizzy Boil Dame Tizzy Spot Dame Tizzy Boil
Er, just a mo … aren’t you forgetting a little something? I don’t think so. You’ve still got your grubby little mitts on my down payment. Down payment, what down payment? Don’t you remember before I wrote that cheque I gave you a fif … a pound! Oh yes, so you did, here you are, we wouldn’t want to cheat you. (He gives Dame Wizzy Tiz a pound coin). Come on Spot, the Baron will be wondering where we’ve got to. 15
Spot See yah; wouldn’t want to be yah! Jack & Dame Smell yah; shouldn’t have to tell yah! Spot looks annoyed.
Boil Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Come on Spot, they’re not worth the trouble, besides we’ve got what we came for. Byeee! (Spot and Boil exit). Quick bolt the door! Good old mum, you’re a star! A bit less of the old if you don’t mind … now what shall we spend our pound on? Don’t know, what do you fancy? We’ll have to be quick before the dopes realised they’ve been duped! How about a packet of ‘Jammy Dodgers’? Good idea, my favourite … and a packet of squashed fly biscuits … and what about …
Dame Tizzy Wiz encourages the audience to shout out “an X box, a play station, a DVD player” etc.
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Mum we’ve only got a pound! Well, see how far you can make it go round. (She carefully opens the door). All clear! Right-e-ho mum; see you later, alligator! In a while, crocodile!
Dame Tizzy Wiz unbolts the door and Jack exits, as the lights fade the bar is removed and the interior set of the ‘Briar Rose Taverna’ is closed up; on the reverse side of the set is the exterior of the ‘Briar Rose Taverna’. US, at the end of the ‘Street’ vista there are some cut-away tree flats, beyond the tree flats centre there is a large pair of appliqué curtains to resemble bushes, brambles and thorns. Suitable pantomime music is heard to cover the scene change, there is a fairy flash S.R. and the Good Fairy enters, lit by the follow Spot.
Good Fairy
Carabosse is up to something, I’m really quite sure, Dame Tizzy Wiz is not exactly honest and pure. But I must put my trust in her, whatever the cost, Carabosse mustn’t win, my cause cannot be lost. For the present I’ll persevere and let the story unfold, But at least Dame Tizzy Wiz has a heart of gold.
To disguise herself the Good Fairy covers her head with a shawl and knocks on the exterior side of the door. Dame Tizzy (Responding by singing her response, off) Just a mo, I’ll be with you in a jiffy. (She partially opens the door and sticks her head out). Sorry to keep you waiting, I thought it might be
Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy
Spot and Boil again, and the less I see of them the better … now my good woman what can I do for you? First of all I must tell you I don’t have any money. What a coincidence, neither do I! Ha! Ha! Ha! Do you think you could spare me a glass of water? A glass of water … I might not have much, but I think I can do better than that! You look like you could do with a good meal, when did you last eat? I’m not sure. Come along with me and we’ll share whatever there is … I think I’ve got enough ingredients in the larder to make an upside-down cake. An upside-down cake? A secret family recipe handed down to me from my great, great grandmother, Dame Wizzy Tiz.
MUSIC #3 : ZIP-A-DE-DO-DAH MARCHING MEDLEY Dame Tizzy Wiz and the Good Fairy exit into the Taverna. In the distance can be heard an army on the march, they are singing a medley of popular songs and nursery rhymes i.e. Zip-a-de-do-dah etc. The column enters and performs a big production number as a marching ‘set piece’ i.e. up and down, splitting into two columns and marching between each other, marching across the stage, turning and marching back down the line in the opposite direction, squares etc. The overall effect should be reminiscent of a ‘Majorette’ marching band. To illustrate that
16
the soldiers are a long way from home they all speak with a collective regional accent, for the purpose of this script, ‘Yorkshire’ has been selected.
Halt! Rear rank, one step forward, make a line! Atten … wait for it … shun! At … ease! Sarge? (Begins to mime needing the toilet). Right you horrible shower. What now; I don’t feel dirty; I don’t want a shower; About time you took a bath! (etc). Not a real shower, you are a shower! Sarge? As you know we’re … Sarge? Private Shufflebottom, what is it now? With all this marching about I need to go. Eeee, what again! Call yourself a soldier? I’ve got a weak bladder Sarge, runs in’t family. Number Two’s as well? Eeee one more word out of you, Grimshaw. Yes Sarge, sorry Sarge, oops! Right, does anybody else need to go? (The whole platoon put their hands up). What all of you? I don’t know what’army’s coming to. Well, I suppose you’d better go … yon taverna over there should be able t’oblige! (In a mad dash the soldiers exit into the ‘Briar Rose’). But don’t be long. (The head of a pantomime horse appears U.S.R. and promptly disappears). Aye-up what’s all this noise? (The horse appears again and as before disappears). It’s a what? … A horse? … Are you sure? … I can’t see a horse. (The horse briefly re-appears before hiding as before. He turns quickly). I don’t think there’s horse at all! … I don’t believe you. … well, if you’re so sure, I’ll take a look behind here. (He looks round the D.S. end of the set; the horse crosses the stage and exits U.S.L.). There’s nothing there! … It’s where? … Oh no it isn’t! Audience Oh yes it is! Sergeant Drill Oh no it isn’t! Audience Oh yes it is! Sergeant Drill Oh no it isn’t! Audience Oh yes it is! Sergeant Drill All right, all right have it your own way … is it up here? (Pointing U.S.R.) … Well, is it up here? (Pointing U.S.L.) Are you sure, absolutely positive? … Right I’ll go an’ have a look. (The horse crosses the stage once more, He does not notice, oblivious to the cries from the Sergeant Drill Shufflebottom Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Shufflebottom Sergeant Drill Shufflebottom Sergeant Drill Shufflebottom Sergeant Drill Shufflebottom Grimshaw Sergeant Drill Grimshaw Sergeant Drill
audience he looks off S.L. finding nothing, he crosses D.S.L. to remonstrate with the audience. The horse creeps up behind him). I knew you were having me on! … He’s what? … He’s
Dame Tizzy
behind me? … Eeee, you’re winding me up, you lot are! … Well all right, I’ll take a look. (As he walks round in a big circle, the horse follows). I knew you were joking … you can’t fool me you know. (The horse head-butts him from behind). Ye-ow! It’s a horse, why didn’t you say so before? … You did … well, I suppose technically that’s true! Now then Neddy, what are you doing here, are you lost, old lad? (The horse nods his head in agreement). You are … well, where is your owner? Did he fall off? (The horse nods his head as before). Oh dear, how did that happen, did he hit a tree? (The horse disagrees). Did you stumble on a rock? (The horse disagrees). Did you get spooked by a snake and rear up? (The horse agrees). I hate snakes; I expect that’s why you’ve got such a long face! (The horse stamps on Sergeant Drill’s foot). Ye-ow! I suppose I asked for that. (The horse agrees). Well perhaps we should find’owner … just a minute I recognize that monogram, you’re Prince Frederick’s horse! (The horse nods in agreement). Well, I never … we were supposed to meet him here; is he all right? (The horse nods in agreement). (Off) Out! Out! Shoo! 17
MUSIC #4 : ‘CLEMENTINE’ In some disorder the soldiers re-enter singing a chorus from ‘Clementine’, it is evident they are somewhat tipsy.
Sergeant Drill Aye-up … I smell trouble. Dame Tizzy Wiz enters.
Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes Bracegirdle Omnes Bracegirdle Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Bracegirdle Sergeant Drill Bracegirdle Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Bracegirdle Sergeant Drill Omnes Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Bottomley Allcock Omnes Allcock Omnes
Are you in charge of this rabble? Well, that all depends. Depends on what? On whether or not it’s going to cost me any brass. Brass, what are you talking about; all I know is that horrible lot have been rampaging and running amok. Rampaging and running amok you say … sounds serious to me! Is this true, have you lot been rampaging and running amok? Don’t know, Sarge! What do you mean you don’t know … either you have, or you haven’t? What’s amok mean? Oh, give me strength … didn’t you go to school? Not if we could help it. I went to school. Really? I didn’t like it much. Bracegirdle, why am I not surprised? Did you learn anything whilst you were at school? What do you mean? The lady wants to know if you got anything out of the experience. Yes, I got a headache and head lice, but I prefer to refer to the condition as arithmetic bugs. Sergeant, I feel in my bones that you and I are going to regret this. Aye I think you’re right, come on lad, let’s get it over with shall we, why did you call head lice arithmetic bugs? Because they added to my misery, subtracted from my pleasure, divided my attention and multiplied like crazy … and mines a pint of best! I’ll give you six of the best in a minute. Hooray! Good old Sergeant Drill! I feel sick! Drinks are on Sarge! (etc). Which reminds me … as I said, your men have been running amok in there! In where? In there! Is that right, have you lot been running amok in there? Don’t know, Sarge! What do you mean, you don’t know … either you have or you haven’t? What’s amok mean? Why do I have the distinct impression this is where I came in? Aye, spooky isn’t it. What is? Ghosts, I hate ghosts! I saw a ghost once but I saw it off. Eeee! You never did. It was inside there! (Pointing to the Briar Rose) I’m not going back in there! Hell and high water wouldn’t get me in there! I saw it too! (etc). 18
Dame Tizzy Allcock Dame Tizzy Allcock Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes
The only spirit you saw off in there was the contents of a whisky bottle. I certainly did; have you got any more? No! Pity, I was just getting a taste for it too! Yes, and at my expense … who is going to pay for it? I thought you just said it was at your expense? And what about the damage after your lot went on the rampage. Is this true did you all go on rampage? And they ran amok. Did you or did you not go on rampage, and run amok? Don’t know, Sarge. What do you mean you don’t know, either you did or you didn’t? What’s amok mean? We’ve definitely been here before. What, reincarnation? I don’t hold with that sort of thing. No! No! No! De-ja-vu! De-ja-vu, you say, (In a Yorkshire accent) Aye, now you’ve got me at it … Look, once inside, your men took liberties. At your age you should count your lucky stars! They frightened my guest, drank everything in sight, ate everything in the larder, played the piano and danced on the tables … as I said they went on the rampage and ran amok! Is this true? What, Sarge? Did you take liberties go on the rampage and run amok? Don’t know, Sarge. What do you mean you don’t know … either you did or you didn’t? What’s amok mean?
Dame Tizzy Wiz is about to explode.
Sergeant Drill Before you say anything, I take full responsibility … here’s my note of honour and intention. Dame Tizzy What’s that? Sergeant Drill An I.O.U. Dame Tizzy An I.O.U … that’s no good to me … I can’t pay Baron Pushover with this, I want cash! Omnes Don’t we all! Sergeant Drill The truth is there’s just a minor technicality; we haven’t been paid yet. Prince Frederick’s got’wages and as soon as we find him we’ll be able to settle up pronto … in the mean time, please accept this horse as a down payment. Dame Tizzy Horse … what am I going to do with a horse? Sergeant Drill I don’t know, enter him in’gymkhana or something but whatever you do don’t say he’s got a long face. Dame Tizzy Why not? Sergeant Drill He doesn’t like it; he’s got issues. Right you horrible lot, we’ve got to find ’Prince with our wages, on the double … quick march! MUSIC #5 : ‘THE GRAND OLD DUKE OF YORK’ The platoon forms up in a column and marches off singing ‘The Grand Old Duke of York’ or something similar, in a raucous drunken fashion.
Dame Tizzy
Well dear, now that you’re here I suppose we must make the most of it. Have you got a name? (The horse nods). Well, that’s a start … What is it? (The horse just looks). What’s the 19
matter; you’re not shy are you? (The Horse nods). Oh dear; are you missing your master? (The horse nods). That’s probably why you’ve got such a long face. (The horse stamps on Dame Tizzy Wiz’s foot). Ye-ow! Get off my foot! I’m sorry but I can’t help it … you see, if I’m told not to say something, I get this terrible urge to say it anyway! Jack enters.
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
Hi-ya mum, I’m back! So soon? Wow, a horse, where did he come from? It’s a long story; let’s just say we’re looking after him for bit. Cor, can I ride him, mum; can I mum, can I? We’ll see; in the meantime why don’t you take him round the back to the old stables and find him some hay. Right-ho! Come along horsy this way. Just a minute, aren’t you forgetting something? No, I don’t think so. I thought I sent you round the shop to get some jammy dodgers. So you did. Well where are they? I ate them on the way back, but I saved you one. That’s very good of you. Here you are.
Jack pours out a pile of crumbs into Dame Tizzy Wiz’s open hand.
Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
What’s this pile of old crumbs? That’s exactly what I said. What do you mean? I dropped yours in the road and just as I was about to pick it up a car came along and squashed it flat! And? Crumbs, I said!
The horse seizes the opportunity and quickly eats the crumbs from Dame Tizzy Wiz’s open hand.
Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
Oi! Oh well, never mind I expect your need is greater than mine. Come along, gee-up! Oh, Jack? What mum? Whatever you say, don’t say … Don’t say what? (Whispering) Don’t say “Why the long face”. Why would I say that? Oh, nothing. Right-y-ho, here we go, this way horsy, come along, cheer up, things can’t be that bad, now tell me why the long face?
The horse rears up and chases Jack off stage, much to the amusement of Dame Tizzy Wiz.
Dame Tizzy
That’ll teach him to eat all the jammy dodgers without saving me one!
Enter Baron Pushover.
Baron Dame Tizzy Baron
Ah there you are, if you want a job done then do it yourself! I entirely agree, my dear Baron Pushover … how delightful to see you! I wish I could say the feeling was mutual. 20
Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy
Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy
(Coyly) Baron?
What? Don’t be shy; if you were to pop the question, I might be tempted. Tempted, what are you talking about? Marriage! What? Don’t say no if you’d rather not. Well, I, er … Tell me Baron, what is end of everything? I beg your pardon? The letter G! The letter G? … How you manage to string all this nonsense together is beyond me! Oh Baron you naughty, naughty boy, you just said G-string. Now listen here … And you’re not going to get your peepers on that until after we are married, you hunk of British beefcake you! Do you think our children will be budding geniuses? More like blooming idiots! Does that mean you agree? To what? Baron you saucy devil, don’t be coy … marriage of course. Madam, marriage means commitment. Of course and so does insanity … but Baron, don’t you think marriage is grand? Yes, and divorce is about ten grand. Baron, you can’t talk about divorce before we are even hitched. I’d be completely and utterly crackers to even consider marrying you! But Baron, don’t be too hasty; it’s my opinion that a fine man such as you could be the makings of an exquisite vintage wine. Do you think so? Yes, at the moment you’re like a bunch of old grapes and it’s my job to tread all over you, and keep you in the dark until you mature into something I’d like to have dinner with. That’s an outrageous thing to say. Do you think so … you haven’t heard anything yet! Now about this loan repayment. You can’t fob me off with a dud cheque. Baron, (clutching the baron’s hand to her breast), they say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage its love, but after marriage, it’s self-defence.
With a whoop Dame Tizzy Wiz karate chops the Baron, once in the stomach and one on the neck.
Baron
Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron
Madam, be assured I don’t want to marry you, I don’t want to get engaged to you, I don’t want to go out with you … I am not attracted to you in any way, in fact, to be candid, I don’t even like you! I quite understand Baron, you can’t help being like a stick of mascara. A stick of mascara? In fact you’re no different from any other man. What? They all run at the first sign of emotion! Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear. Baron, of course you did, you’re just a little confused. Confused? All you need to fulfil your potential is a good woman behind you, that’s all. I can assure you that … 21
Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron
(Interrupting) And you need look no further!
I’m not blind and I’m certainly not stupid! I almost had a psychic boyfriend once, but he left me before we met. Madam, for the last time, I assure you I’m not interested in seeing you ever again other than for business! Dame Tizzy You saucy fellow you’re not poking your nose into my business, well at least not until after we’re married. Baron Married, who said anything about getting married? Dame Tizzy Shall I assume our marriage is on hold for a while? Baron Marriage, to you? I couldn’t think of anything worse; all want I from you … Dame Tizzy (Interrupting) Baron, really, I’m not that sort of girl, but I could be tempted. Baron … is the money you … Dame Tizzy (Interrupting) Money, what money? Baron The money you owe me! Dame Tizzy Now Baron, we shouldn’t be squabbling over a little thing like money, especially in our position. Never forget that a woman has the last word in any argument and anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Baron I must beg to differ, you owe me … Dame Tizzy (Interrupting) No I don’t. Baron Yes you do! Dame Tizzy See what I mean, we’ve only been going steady for a few minutes and the arguments are starting already! Baron Going steady, how dare you suggest such a thing! Dame Tizzy But my dear Baron, just think if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Baron Faults, what faults? Dame Tizzy There, see what I mean? Baron No, I don’t see what you mean … just settle my bill! Dame Tizzy Baron, why are men like horoscopes? Baron No! No! No! I won’t be distracted. Dame Tizzy But Baron, men are like horoscopes because they always tell you what to do and they’re usually wrong. Baron What? Dame Tizzy Think about it Baron If you don’t pay up I will have no alternative but foreclosure! Dame Tizzy Oh Baron, you wouldn’t! Baron Oh, wouldn’t I! Dame Tizzy How could you possibly consider throwing me and my little Jack out onto the street? Baron Nothing is further from my mind … frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn! Baron & Dame Clark Gable, ‘Gone with the Wind’ 1939! Dame Tizzy Couldn’t I possibly melt that frozen little heart of yours? Baron No! Dame Tizzy Not even if I throw myself at your feet? (She does so). Baron Especially if you throw yourself at my feet, you sack of blubber! Dame Tizzy (Dramatically) How cruel! Baron You should learn about nutrition and go on a balanced diet. Dame Tizzy Diet, my idea of a balanced diet is a glass of wine in both hands. Baron Why, am I not surprised! Dame Tizzy Only joshing, chief. Baron If you don’t give up your bad habits you’ll never make old bones! 22
Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy
(Mock tears) Oh Baron, don’t say that!
If you want my advice you should give up chasing men, smoking, gambling, eating fatty foods, driving fast cars … (Interrupting) Fast cars, lend me your keys? And drinking to excess, and then you might possibly live to be a hundred! A hundred! I very much doubt it; mind you without a drink it would certainly feel like it! Quite possibly! But Baron, I might appear a little ample … Fat! In all the right places … Fat! And somewhat cushioned … Fat! But I assure you I do know about nutrition. Well, if you know all about nutrition, name the four food groups. Fast, Frozen, Instant and Chocolate. I rest my case. But Baron, just give me a chance and I can change! You can do what you like, it doesn’t make any difference to me … all I want from you is … (Interrupting) A feather? I beg your pardon! What’s the difference between erotic and kinky? I’ve no idea, and what’s more I don’t care either, just give me my … (Interrupting) Erotic is when you use a feather and kinky is when you use a rubber chicken, (She produces a rubber chicken from her shoulder bag), so what do you say? How dare you; I’ve never been so insulted in all of my life! Really, that’s nothing … I can do much better than that! What do you take me for? I’d rather not go into that if you don’t mind. Yes, I do mind … now give me what you owe me before I have a seizure! Seizure, now you see’s me, now you don’t!
Dame Tizzy Wiz exits into the ‘Briar Rose’ and slams the door in his face, the sound of many bolts being rammed home are heard.
Baron
Oi! Come back here!
A grill set into the door suddenly opens; Dame Tizzy Wiz speaks through it.
Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron
Go away we’re closed! Closed we’ll see about that; Madam you offer me no alternative, I will have to fetch my two broker’s men, Spot and Boil, to break the door down! Oooh! You rotten bounder, you wouldn’t! That’s what you think. You rotter! Just open the door and let me in. Not by the hairs on my chinny chin-chin! Spot and Boil it is then! You’ll never get in! Oh, won’t I? No you won’t. And what makes you so sure of that? 23
Dame Tizzy
Because I’m the King Of The Castle and you’re the Dirty Rascal!
Dame Tizzy Wiz slams the grill shut, as Baron Pushover turns to leave there is a red fairy flash and Carabosse enters.
Baron Carabosse
Argh! Damned kids and their fireworks, I can’t see a thing! Where is that wretched, wretched boy with my comb? He’s probably forgotten his promise and stayed at home Oh a mortal how inconvenient, but wait I feel his greed Mmm! He may be useful to help fulfil my wicked deed But I must be exceedingly careful with what I say and do Perhaps my Aladdin ruse will work … old combs for new!
Having blinked and rubbed his eyes profusely, Baron Pushover can at last see once more.
Baron Carabosse Baron
Carabosse Baron Carabosse Baron Carabosse Baron
Out of my way you decrepit old crone. Old combs for new! Old combs for new! Old combs for new, you’re either mad or an incompetent capitalist; you won’t make any money exchanging old combs for new, you silly old bat, don’t you mean new combs for old? That’s what I said, perhaps you could help me. Help you and why would I want to do that, I’m a very busy businessman! Because you’re exceedingly greedy! Am I? … Yes, now you come to mention it I suppose I am! So get out of my way, time means money and money means wealth and wealth means riches and riches means … (Interrupting) What? Riches means I’m far too important to waste my time talking to a grubby old peasant like you. Good-day!
Unbeknown to Baron Pushover Prince Frederick enters U.S.R. As the Baron turns to leave, he collides with the Prince.
Prince Baron Prince Baron Prince Baron Prince Baron Prince Baron Prince Baron Prince Baron Prince Baron Carabosse Baron
I do beg your pardon. And so you should you ignoramus, why don’t you look where you are going? Well actually I think you should look where you are going, you walked into me after all. No I didn’t, you deliberately pushed me over. I beg to differ. Don’t you know who I am? No, I am afraid I am just travelling through. My name, young man is Baron Pushover and you deliberately pushed me over! Well, I am sorry about that, but I assure you that … (Interrupting) Who are you anyway and before you answer let me tell you I don’t take kindly to vagabonds, even if they are dressed up like a dog’s dinner! Prince Frederick at your service. Do you really think I would fall for that old chestnut? Fall for what, I really am Prince Frederick. Where are all your soldiers then? I lost them in the woods. Of course you did, if you’re a prince I’ll eat my hat! You should beware of rash promises. Don’t be ridiculous, now get out of my way before I have both of you horsewhipped for impertinence.
Baron Pushover exits.
Prince
What a thoroughly unpleasant man! 24
Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse Prince Carabosse
I couldn’t agree more. (Seeing an opportunity). I wonder … (To the Prince) … and he’s a thief as well! A thief? Yes, just before you came along I’m afraid he robbed me. Oh dear, here let me give you something to make it up. No, no, no I wouldn’t hear of it, besides it really doesn’t matter, it’s not the money you see, it’s the sentimental value. Why what did he steal? Well I know it’s silly, but he stole an old comb that once belonged to a beautiful Princess. A Princess? Where is this beautiful Princess, I must meet her. I am afraid you are a little too late; all that is left of Princess Briar Rose is her old comb. What use is an old comb to the Baron? He gave it to Dame Tizzy Wiz in exchange for a drink. A drink, well we must get it back at once, I am sure Dame Tizzy Wiz will understand when I explain! Oh Prince Frederick, you are so kind how can I possibly repay you? Well there is something … perhaps you could tell me a little more about the Princess. Well, I, er … I’ve never heard of her, you see. I’m not surprised she was only a minor Princess after all. But she should still be on my list of eligible Princesses; my father has packed me off to meet every single one of them. What for? I have to find a bride and so far I’ve been travelling for months without any luck. If I were you young man, I would forget you had ever heard of her, many have tried to find her and all have come to a sticky end. What do you mean? Do you mean to say you have never heard the story? I can’t say I have. Well it all happened a long, long time ago; a hundred years to be precise. As long ago as that? (Venomously) Don’t interrupt! Once upon a time there used to be a great kingdom with a King and Queen, a castle, courtiers, grounds, soldiers and everything. A great kingdom, where is it now? I’m getting to that, the castle used to stand somewhere over there in the middle of the wild wood, and, for all I know, it still does. I must go and see for myself. Not so fast, many have tried but all have failed; some people say black magic is involved. Black magic, I don’t believe in all that hocus-pocus, there’s no such thing. Really … well we shall have to see about that!
Carabosse casts an evil spell. Some SFX take place.
By all the power of dark and unmentionable things Slugs, creepy crawlies and bugs with wings Before church bells ring, toll and chime Transport Frederick back through space and time There is a magical sound, lanterns are discerned floating in the woods; the magical sound intensifies into a whirling storm, the forest parts to reveal a castle. Dame Wizzy Tiz, the great grandmother of Dame Tizzy Wiz, is discovered bustling around in her kitchen while two kitchen porters, Tick and Tock are attempting to help her.
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Dame Wizzy
Come along, come along if you lot don’t get a move on we’ll never be ready for Princess Briar Rose’s eighteenth birthday party, the cake has to be made and all the balloons need blowing up!
Tick and Tock are rapidly stirring flour in their respective bowls.
Tick Tock Prince Dame Wizzy Tock Tick Tock Dame Wizzy Tick & Tock Dame Wizzy
We’re going as fast as we can, Dame Wizzy Tiz. What needs to go in the mixture next? Er, excuse me I er … Ah! The more the merrier, put this pinny on, many hands make light work. No they don’t, the light switch does. I know you’re good at it, (flipping a spoonful of flour at Tock) but try not to be so stupid all of the time! Who say’s I’m stupid, (flipping a spoonful of flour back at Tick) it takes a nit to know a nit! Nits, who’s got nits? You have! No I haven’t!
Tick and Tock point at each other.
Tick & Tock Tick & Tock Dame Wizzy Prince Dame Wizzy Prince Dame Wizzy Prince Dame Wizzy
Tick Dame Wizzy Tock Dame Wizzy
He has! No I haven’t, he has! In that case you must be a pair of nits, and I can’t have nits in my kitchen especially on Princess Briar Rose’s eighteenth birthday! Er, I’m not quite sure what happened; one minute I was … (Interrupting) There’s no time for long explanations we’ve got nits to deal with, I can’t imagine what would happen if the princess caught them! This is very strange, I think I must be asleep! Come along dear, make yourself useful … this is an emergency! An emergency? Well, even if I am dreaming I must help in an emergency. What do you want me to do? Help me wash Tick and Tock’s hair with my special patent de-clagging nit remover shampoo! (She produces a bottle of shampoo). Come on help me fetch the water. (She pretends to empty it into two washing-up bowls which are already full of bubbles). Right, eyes down for a full house. (She submerges Tick and Tock’s heads into the washing-up bowls). Argh! I’m drowning! Don’t be such a baby and take what’s coming to you! Mummy! Come along young man, don’t dilly-dally get scrubbing!
Prince Frederick shrugs and begins to wash Tick’s hair in the bubbles, whilst Dame Wizzy Tiz works on Tock, creating as much mess with the bubbles as possible.
Tick Dame Wizzy
Prince Dame Wizzy
Argh! Get off, I can’t breathe underwater, I’m not a fish you know! Don’t take any notice of anything he says, Tick can whinge for England! (Whilst she works, she begins to sing ‘Oh What A Beautiful Morning’). There, that should do it! I don’t suppose you could help us with the balloons could you? Certainly, it would be a pleasure. Good … follow me.
As Dame Wizzy Tiz and Prince Frederick dry their hands, they turn their backs and exit through the U.S. arch.
Tock Tick Tock Tick
Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey Tick, you look really silly. So do you! Not as much as you do! Says who? 26
Tock Tick
Says me! (He scoops up a handful of bubbles and wipes them on Tick’s face). Now you look like old Father Christmas! Is that so?
Tick scoops up a handful of bubbles and wipes them on Tock’s face.
Tock
And now you look like the old man of the sea except you’re not wet enough! (He tips the washing bowl over Tick). There that should do it!
Water cascades down around Tick’s ears.
Tick Tock Tick
Oi! Now I’m wet all over! Never a truer word spoken in jest. Right, if you want a war you’ve got one.
Tick picks up the washing-up bowl and threatens Tock; Dame Wizzy Tiz enters just in time.
Dame Wizzy Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Dame Wizzy Tick & Tock Dame Wizzy Tick & Tock Dame Wizzy Tick Tock
What do you think you are doing? He started it! No I didn’t. Oh yes you did! Oh no I didn’t! Oh yes you did! Oh no I didn’t! Stop! Stop! That’s quite enough of that, thank you very much. Now clean yourselves up and get back to stirring the Princess’s cake. Yes Dame Wizzy Tiz. It’s quite a few years ago now, but all this cake-making takes me back to when I was a mere chicken a … (Interrupting) More like an old Boiler! … a tender young girl of eighteen. How does Dame Wizzy Tiz know if she’s getting really old? The candles cost more than the cake!
Tick and Tock roar with laughter.
Dame Wizzy Tick Dame Wizzy Tick & Tock Dame Wizzy Tick & Tock Dame Wizzy Tick & Tock Dame Wizzy Tock Tick Dame Wizzy Tock Tick Dame Wizzy Tock Tick Dame Wizzy Tock Tick
Oi! Watch it you two, a bit less of the cheek if you don’t mind! Why don’t you turn the other one? Other what? Cheek! (Singing). “Hey fatty bom bom, let me tell you something!”. Right! Left! Enough! There’s no time for this nonsense, there’s too much to do! Yes, Dame Wizzy Tiz; sorry, Dame Wizzy Tiz; it won’t happen again, Dame Wizzy Tiz. Good, add the eggs! Add the eggs! Add the eggs! Where’s the eggs? Where’s the eggs? Where’s the eggs? In the box! In the box! In the box! Where’s the box? Where’s the box? Where’s the box? 27
Dame Wizzy
Where’s the box?
They all look for the egg box.
Dame Wizzy
Here’s the box!
Tock snatches the egg box from Dame Wizzy Tiz and Tick does the same to Tock.
Tock Tick Dame Wizzy Tick
Here’s the box! Here’s the box! Give me the box! Here’s the box!
Dame Wizzy Tiz takes out the first egg and passes it to Tock who passes it to Tick.
Dame Wizzy Tock Tick
Crack the eggs! Crack the eggs! Crack the eggs!
Tick lifts up Tock’s hat and smashes the egg on his head.
Tock Dame Wizzy
Oi! Crack the eggs!
Dame Wizzy Tiz takes out the second egg and passes it to Tock who passes it Tick.
Tock Tick
Crack the eggs! Crack the eggs!
Tick lifts up Tock’s hat again and smashes a second egg on Tock’s head.
Tock Dame Wizzy
Oi! Crack the eggs!
Dame Wizzy Tiz takes out the third egg and passes it to Tock who passes it Tick.
Tock Tick Dame Wizzy
Crack the eggs! Crack the eggs! Crack the eggs!
Tick lifts up Tock’s hat once more and smashes a third egg on Tock’s head.
Tock Dame Wizzy
Oi! Crack the eggs!
Dame Wizzy Tiz takes out the fourth egg, however to avoid having an egg broken on his head, Tock changes places with Tick
Dame Wizzy
Stop moving around, now where was I? Oh yes, crack the eggs!
Dame Wizzy Tiz now passes the egg to Tick who lifts up Tock’s hat and once more breaks the egg on Tock’s head.
Tock Dame Wizzy
Oi! Crack the eggs!
Dame Wizzy Tiz passes the fifth egg to Tick who lifts up Tock’s hat and breaks it on Tock’s head.
Tick Tock
Crack the eggs! Oi!
Tock walks round to the other side of Dame Wizzy Tiz.
Dame Wizzy
Crack the eggs!
Dame Wizzy Tiz passes the sixth egg to Tick.
Tick
Crack the eggs!
Tick passes the egg back to Dame Wizzy Tiz.
28
Dame Wizzy
Crack the eggs!
Dame Wizzy Tiz passes the sixth egg to Tock.
Tock
Crack the eggs!
Tock passes the sixth egg back to Dame Wizzy Tiz.
Dame Wizzy
Crack the eggs!
Dame Wizzy Tiz lifts up Tock’s hat and breaks the egg on his head.
Dame Wizzy Tock Tick Tock Tick Dame Wizzy Tock Tick Dame Wizzy Tick Dame Wizzy Tick Dame Wizzy Tick Dame Wizzy Tick Dame Wizzy Tock Tick Tock
I always thought you were an egg-head! (To Tick) Because of you, I’m all covered in egg, you … you din-lo! Who are you calling a din-lo, you big fat loony! (To Dame Wizzy Tiz) And you … you’re no better; you … you … you humungous bag of lard! Tock don’t get so egg-cited. Eggs-actly! Why me? What have I done; why pick on me? Because you’re egg-centric and … Eggs-asperating! Eggs-cessive! Eggs-citable! Eggs-hausting! Eggs-pendable! Eggs-travagent! Eggs-treme! Eggs-cruciating! Eggs-uberant! I think you’re both eggs-agerating! Besides which you’re a nincompoop, a ninny and a numpty all rolled into one! Right, that does it. I’ve just about had enough of you … high-ca-rumba!
Tock pushes Tick into his bowl of flour.
Tick Tock Tick
What did you do that for, can’t you take a joke? No! In that case I don’t suppose you’ll find this very funny either!
Tick tips his bowl of flour over Tock.
Tock
Argh! You’ve really done it this time!
Tock picks up a meat cleaver.
Tick
Ooo-er I’m off … gangway!
Tick exits through the arch U.S.R. closely followed by Tock.
Tock Dame Wizzy
Come back here! No you come back here you pair of good for nothing layabouts, we’ve got work to do! Come back here at once!
In hot pursuit, Dame Wizzy Tiz exits through the arch U.S.R. a moment later, from S.R. to S.L. Tick and Tock career across the U.S. side of the arch, followed by Dame Wizzy Tiz. Princess Briar Rose enters through the arch U.S.R.
Briar Rose
Hello? Hello? Dame Wizzy, hello is anybody there? My goodness what a frightful mess! Well, even though it is my birthday, I suppose I had better start cleaning up. Oh dear, everything is in such a pickle it’s difficult to know where I should begin. 29
MUSIC #6 : ‘SOME DAY MY PRINCE WILL COME’ As Princess Briar Rose starts putting things away she sings to herself. The song could be full legth or shortened as required. At the end, Prince Frederick enters completely obscured by a large selection of blown up balloons.
Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince
Will this be enough do you think? Oh hello, what a lot of balloons, are they all for me? Well I suppose that depends on who you are. Don’t be silly, everybody knows who I am. I’m awfully sorry but I’m not even sure if I’m awake at the moment. Not sure if you are awake … what a funny thing to say. Look, why don’t you put those balloons down for a minute so I can see who you are. Very well … (Prince Frederick puts the balloons down) … good heavens, you’re, you’re, well … What? Well I’m not sure how to say it but, well you’re beautiful. I wouldn’t go as far as all that, I mean; I know I’m not ugly but … Ugly? You couldn’t be ugly if you tried. Oh, I don’t know what to say. You don’t have to say anything! But I don’t even know who you are. Please forgive me; how rude … but who am I fooling, this can’t really be happening to me, I’m definitely dreaming. I don’t see why. Well, just to please my poor fevered brow, my name is Frederick, Prince Frederick. A prince? I’m afraid so. There’s nothing wrong with being a Prince, you see I’m a … (Interrupting) That’s very nice of you to say so, but right now I would give anything not to be a Prince. Not to be a Prince … how peculiar; I would have thought everybody would have wanted to be a Prince. Well, it was all fine until I met you, now everything has changed, even if I am dreaming. Really, how odd. I have been sent on a mission, you see. How exciting. It’s all my father’s fault, if he hadn’t sent me on a grand tour to meet all the Princesses in the land I would never have met you, now I feel really miserable. Why do you feel miserable? Because I am not allowed home until one of them becomes my bride. Oh I see, and have you met one that you like? That’s the trouble, they were all too tall or too short, or too mean or too conceited. To tell you the truth they’ve all been perfectly ghastly! Oh. So now I am in a terrible quandary. Really? You see you are, well you are … Go on. Well you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, none of the others could hold a candle to you, but as I’m dreaming and you’re not a Princess I can’t … But you’re not dreaming and I am a Princess! … I can’t marry you, even though I want to. 30
Briar Rose Prince
Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince
You’re not listening … I am a Princess! It’s just not the done thing you see. Princes have to marry Princesses and that’s that. It’s not your fault of course and there’s really nothing to be done about it, it’s just the way it is. But I am a Princess and you’re not dreaming and if you were to ask me, why I am sure I would say “yes”! Hang on; did you just say that you’re a Princess? I did! And did you just say that I am not dreaming? I did! And that if I were to ask you … you would say “yes”? I did! I don’t believe you.
Princess Briar Rose gives Prince Frederick a playful pinch.
Prince Briar Rose
Ow! It’s true I am awake and if you are who you say you are, a real Princess, then my troubles are really over! Well not exactly you have to ask me first and then you will have to ask permission from daddy, the King, but I am sure he will say “yes”!
Prince Frederick goes down on one knee.
Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose
Princess er, Princess …. I don’t even know your name. Princess Briar Rose. Princess Briar Rose will you marry me? Yes, yes a thousand times yes. I’m so happy I feel like singing! So do I!
MUSIC #7 : A SUITABLE LOVE SONG Prince Frederick and Princess Briar Rose sing a love song.
Briar Rose Prince
Come along, Freddie … you don’t mind if I call you Freddie do you? No, not at all, let’s go and ask daddy.
Prince Frederick and Princess Briar Rose hold hands and exit U.S.R. Enter Tick closely followed by Tock and Dame Wizzy Tiz.
Tock Tick Dame Wizzy
You won’t get away from me! Help … mummy! And neither of you will get away from me!
Tick seizes a balloon and hits Tock with it, a balloon fight ensues, eventually all the balloons burst at which point Dame Wizzy Tiz grabs a squeezy bottle, Tick and Tock do the same, they squirt each other and the audience with water and exit. DBO. Curtain.
MUSIC #8 : SUITABLE PLAYOUT MUSIC
END OF ACT 1
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Act 2 MUSIC #9 : SUITABLE PLAY-IN MUSIC Scene 1 (A Fairy Bower) The scene begins with the forest curtains closed there is a fairy flash and the Good Fairy enters S.R.
Good Fairy
I must have overlooked a clue, very small and obscure Something’s gone terribly wrong I’m really quite sure You see the hundred years are over, past and gone Briar Rose’s hand, the Prince should have easily won. My magic saved the Princess from the eternal abyss By now he should have woken her up with a single kiss.
There is a fairy flash and Carabosse enters S.L.
Carabosse Good Fairy
Carabosse
It appears he’s been delayed you fluffy gold maggot Oh, what a shame, perhaps you need a magic carrot. Carabosse, I should have guessed you were the cause You’ve pulled a veil over my head of fairy gauze. And what would I do with a magic carrot anyway? Why don’t you work it out yourself fairy frump, OK? And you’d better hurry up before your wand fails to glitter For the present it’s my little secret you fluttering fairy flitter.
Carabosse exits laughing.
Good Fairy
Carabosse is very evil, I mustn’t weaken, I must stay strong There’s something I’ve missed, now where did I go wrong? This is giving me brain-ache; my thumbs are all of a twiddle. I wonder if you could help me to solve this difficult riddle. I think carrots are famous for something, I’m not sure what I mean you can eat them cold in salad or even piping hot. And if you eat lots and lots of them you can see in the dark. That’s it, Carabosse was telling me with her nasty trademark That the Prince is not here, and I need to use fairy magic to see I need something that will search and seek the Prince out for me. I know my magic crystal ball will help I’m really quite sure Crystal the fairy who lives inside is very honest and very pure. So any evil spells Carabosse might try, I will easily dispel Goodbye for now, goodbye … goodbye and farewell.
The Good Fairy exits S.R. The lights slowly begin to dim, as the stage darkens, lights come on in the various houses. Dame Tizzy Wiz enters from the ‘Briar Rose Taverna’, while she sweeps, she sings to herself.
Dame Tizzy Oh hello, everybody … I said hello. everybody? That’s better; you were so quiet I thought you were all asleep … oooh it’s getting quite cold and dark, winter draws … on and don’t think I’m going to give you a preview either! You haven’t seen my Jack I suppose? The circus is in town, I bet he’s sneaked in and gate-crashed, I’ve been looking for him all over the place, inside, outside and he’s not in the stable either. The only living thing out there is that dinny horse and a load of creepy crawlies! Still poor old sausage I wouldn’t want to stay out there not with all those things that go bump in the night … it’s not that I believe in ghosts or anything, it’s just that round here very strange things happen, especially, at night when the moon’s up and the night owl screeches (SFX: an owl is heard) and slugs, toads and slimy creepy-crawlies come slithering out from their dark, dank, hiding places.
32
Which reminds me, what did the policeman say when a spider ran down his back? You’re under a vest! Ha! Ha! Ha! Every one’s a winner! Seriously, living next to this wild, wild wood can be very scary, over the years lots of people have gone in there and none of them have ever come out. The villagers say it’s haunted and some of them reckon they’ve seen a beautiful girl walking with her arms outstretched, like this, as if she’s asleep but she’s not a girl at all, she’s really Nosferatu, a vampire! It’s a good job I don’t believe in all that nonsense otherwise I would have spookily spooked myself into a spooky gibbering wreck by now! (Behind Dame Tizzy Wiz, Griselda the Gorilla briefly pokes her head out U.S.R. before disappearing again. The audience shout). There’s a what? … A gorilla? No you must be seeing things; gorillas don’t live round here. (Griselda sneaks across the stage U.S.R. to U.S.L.) Look behind me? … Why would I want to do that? … Because there’s a gorilla … I don’t believe you! … Are you sure? Well, all right … Where did it go, over here? (She crosses U.S.R. to the opposite side of the stage). There’s nothing there! (She crosses D.S. as Griselda sneaks back from U.S.L. to U.S.R). I told you there was nothing there. It’s where? … Up there? Are you sure? Right, nobody is going to make a monkey out of me! (She creeps up stage and peers off S.R). Well, I can’t see anything. (A large spider briefly descends S.L. before returning from whence it came). There’s what? … A spider? I thought you said it was a gorilla, I wish you would make your mind up. Well, where is this spider … over here? (She crosses S.L. to where the spider was first seen). I can’t see a spider; are you sure it was a spider? (A second spider briefly descends S.R. and just as quickly ascends). There’s what … another spider? I haven’t seen the first spider yet, let alone a second spider. Where is it then, over here? (She crosses back S.R as she does so the first spider descends and ascends as before). There aren’t any spiders; you’re just having me on! (She crosses D.S.then Griselda enters and creeps up behind her). There’s what? … A gorilla? I wish you would make up your mind, first its gorillas then its spiders and now its gorillas again! Well, I’ll just take a look. (She slowly walks round clockwise. Griselda follows. Having revolved once she takes a few steps SL towards the Briar Rose. Griselda mirrors this action by taking a few steps SR. They stop and walk backwards. As they are about to collide Dame Tizzy Wiz turns D.S.R and Griselda turns U.S.L. so just missing each other).
I told you there wasn’t a gorilla! (She crosses D.S. to address the audience. Griselda exits into the Briar Rose. Both spiders slowly descend whilst Princess Briar Rose crosses the stage from left to right with arms outstretched, sleep walking. The spiders ascend once more). No, no I don’t
believe a word of it … there aren’t any gorillas, spiders or vampires! No, no I’m not staying here any longer messing around with all this tomfoolery; I’m going to bed … goodnight! (She exits into the Taverna. There is a brief pause followed by smashing crockery, breaking furniture and items being hurled about etc. The door flies open and she hurriedly enters with Griselda hot on her heels). Help! Help! Call the fire brigade there’s a gorilla on the
loose! Help! Dame Tizzy Wiz exits D.S.R. Griselda gives up the chase and exits back into the forest U.S.L. Enter Jack D.S.L.
Jack
Hi-ya kids! Oh dear I’m in so much trouble, it’s really late, I should have been in hours ago … I’m definitely going to get it in the neck. Oh well, here goes, (calling); Mum, I’m back, I’m home! … Mum, I’m home! That’s funny, she’s normally out here with a rolling pin by now. Mum! Mum! Maybe she’s out … hey, this could be my chance to get the hair clip. (Jack enters the Briar Rose). Good heavens, what a frightful mess; what on earth has been going on? (Jack re-appears with the hair clip). It looks like World War Three in there! If I knew what it meant, I would say somebody’s been on the rampage and run amok! Still no matter, once I’ve sold this tatty old hairclip we’ll be rich and then we can throw out all the old furniture and buy some new stuff.
There is a fairy flash and Carabosse enters S.L.
Carabosse Jack
Ah! There you are, I’ve been looking for you … Well? Well what? 33
Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack
Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack
Well, have you got it? Well, that depends. On what? On whether you have heard the news? News, what news? The wind blew a hole in the fence. So? It was the fence round the nudist camp and the police are looking into it. Listen here sonny Jim, don’t mess with me otherwise you’ll be for it, do you understand? Of course I do … did you see that man on the TV? Man, what man? The man who bought a paper shop? A paper shop? Yes, it blew away. I don’t think you are taking me seriously. Seriously … of course I’m taking you seriously, don’t be so temperamental! Temperamental? Yes, 90% temper and 10% mental. (Before Carabosse can react Jack recites) … There was a young lady of Lynn, Who was so uncommonly thin. That when she essayed, To drink lemonade, She slipped through the straw and fell in. Now you’re talking; that’s just the sort of story I like to hear, did she drown? Of course not. Pity! Now give me what I came for. No. You disappoint me. Not until you give me a bag of gold … or two. Perhaps I was being a little hasty, here you are and much good may it do you, now give me the clip. Fair exchange is no robbery.
Jack and Carabosse exchange a bag of gold and the hair clip.
Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse
At last the clip is mine. (Snatching the clip back) Not until you hand over another bag of gold it isn’t.
Give that back at once you little pipsqueak! Unfortunately, as you seem to want it so much the price has gone up. How much? Another two bags of gold. Very well, agreed. (She hands Jack another two bags of gold). Now give it to me. There, it’s yours. Ha! Ha! Ha! You ought to go and see a doctor about that. Poppycock, I don’t believe in doctors … the last time I went he gave me a pound of onions. A pound of onions? Something for my liver he said, so I turned him into a duck. That’s impressive, what would you get if you put three ducks in a crate? Surprise me. 34
Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse
Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack Carabosse Jack
A box of quackers. Very droll. You didn’t really turn him into a duck, did you? Of course and I cooked him with roast potatoes and orange sauce for Sunday lunch, and very tasty he was too. But that means you must be a witch. Not a bit of it, I loathe and detest witches, I’m a wicked fairy. A wicked fairy? You don’t look like a fairy to me … more like an old bag. Young man, if I were you I would be very careful what you say, if you weren’t so greedy I would have turned you into a silly goose ages ago … and I still might, so don’t push your luck. If you’re a fairy … A wicked fairy … I bet you can’t wave your magic wand and make wool out of milk. And why would I want to do that? To make cows feel sheepish, of course! I’ve changed my mind I am going to turn you into a Jackass. What for, I’m a Jackass already … if you had a box of candles and no matches how could you light one? I haven’t got time for this. Take a candle out of the box and you will make the box a candle lighter. That’s it, I’m definitely going to turn you into a Jackass! Ooo-er, I’m off!
Jack exits.
Carabosse Jack Carabosse
Come back here. (Offstage) Not a chance you old witch! I’ll deal with him later, in the mean time I’m going to dip this comb in poison. Ha! Ha! Ha! (The gorilla enters and snatches the comb). Give that back to me you stupid ape! (The gorilla picks her up and runs off with her). Put me down at once!
In the distance Prince Frederick’s army can be heard approaching, singing ‘The Grand Old Duke of York’. Sergeant Drill leads as the army enters.
Sergeant Drill Halt! (Like a row of dominoes the column collides, one in front of the other). About turn! (The platoon faces U.S.) Not that way you nincompoops, turn the other way. Omnes Yes, Sarge … sorry, Sarge! (etc) Bottomley Three bags full, Sarge. Sergeant Drill Who said that? Omnes Don’t know, Sarge. Sergeant Drill Well, I’ll let it go, just this once. About turn! (The platoon turns a full 360 degrees). Not all the way round you numbskulls, just half way round. About turn! (Half the platoon turns one way to face S.L. and half turn the other 180 degrees to face S.R.) What is the matter with you lot, don’t you understand plain English? Omnes No, Sarge. Sergeant Drill Let’s try it again shall we … about face! (The half that are facing S.L. turn to face S.R. and the other half also reverse their direction, so that the two lines are now facing each other).
I’m going to blow my top in a minute. Allcock That should be a laugh. Sergeant Drill Who said that? Omnes Don’t know, Sarge. Bottomley If this carries on much longer I’m going to run amok. 35
Omnes Sergeant Drill Allcock Sergeant Drill Allcock Sergeant Drill Allcock Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Bottomley Bracegirdle Grimshaw Sergeant Drill Ecclescake Sergeant Drill Ecclescake Sergeant Drill Ecclescake Sergeant Drill Ecclescake Sergeant Drill Ecclescake Sergeant Drill Ecclescake Sergeant Drill Ecclescake Omnes Blenkinsopp Sergeant Drill Blenkinsopp Sergeant Drill Blenkinsopp Sergeant Drill Blenkinsopp Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill
Omnes Sergeant Drill Bottomley Sergeant Drill Omnes
What’s ‘amok’ mean? Shut-up! Shut-up! Shut-up! Sarge? What is it, Allcock? If you carry on like that, you’ll blow a gasket. Blow a gasket? Aye, if you don’t mind me saying, you’re in danger of blowing your top. How right you are … now for the last time, about turn. (The platoon turns U.S. both sides turn in towards the centre). Not that way, the other way! Sorry, Sarge. About turn, the other way! (The platoon turns U.S. 360 degrees, but this time both sides turn out away from the centre). No! No! No! I’m definitely going to run amok! If I knew what amok meant I would join you. Me too! Silence in the ranks! Face front! Atten … shun! At … ease! (The platoon turns towards the audience). Right that’s better, now we’re getting somewhere. I beg to differ. Oh you do, do you. Aye, I do. Sergeant to you, Private Ecclescake! Sergeant. If you beg to differ, you’d better share your concerns with t’ rest of platoon. I don’t think we’re getting anywhere, Sarge. Is that so? Yes it is so, Sarge. And why is that? On account. On account of what? On account that we’ve been here already. Aye, he’s right you know. (etc) Sarge? What is it, Blenkinsopp. I’m feeling perturbed, Sarge. You’re feeling perturbed … and why are you feeling perturbed, Blenkinsopp? Well Sarge, I was wondering. You were wondering … and exactly what were you wondering, Blenkinsopp? I couldn’t help think that if you had said “face front” in the first place we would have. Would have what? Faced front, Sarge! It’s come to my attention that … (The platoon stands to attention). At ease. It’s come to my attention that … (The platoon stands to attention). At ease. It’s come to my attention that … (The platoon stands to attention). At ease. Will you stop doing that while I’m trying to speak? Yes, Sarge … sorry, Sarge! (etc) It’s come to my attention that … (The platoon stands to attention). I thought you were going to stop doing that while I’m speaking. Only if you stop saying “attention”. You lot are unruly and insubordinate! What are you? Unruly and insubordinate Sarge! 36
Sergeant Drill Allcock Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Omnes Sergeant Drill Bottomley
Well I won’t stand for it. Sit down then. Who said that? You did. No I didn’t. Oh yes you did. Oh no I didn’t Oh yes you did. Oh no I didn’t Oh yes you did. All right, all right! One of you lot said “Sit down then” and it wasn’t me! That was Allcock … You said that. (etc) I’ve just about had enough of all this. So have I.
In a thoroughly demented manner Sergeant Drill starts running about screaming.
Do you think he’s running amok? Aye, I do. Right, let’s call a truce shall we. Excuse me, Sarge, but are you all mocked out? Allcock. Yes, Sarge? Shut-up. Yes, Sarge. Now then, you might have noticed that we’ve been marching round and round in a big circle and at present we haven’t located Prince Frederick. So I propose that we split up and reconnoitre the area in pairs. Omnes Right-e-ho, Serge! (etc) Sergeant Drill Now we’re getting somewhere. Bottomley You could have fooled me. Sergeant Drill I’ll ignore that remark! Right, as I was saying, split up into pairs and … (The platoon Allcock Bottomley Sergeant Drill Allcock Sergeant Drill Allcock Sergeant Drill Allcock Sergeant Drill
instantly divides into pairs and start avidly searching the area, leaving the stage and reappearing from a different entrance). What a shower … well, I’ll stay here then … Report
back to me if you find anything. Enter Dame Tizzy Wiz.
Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill
Ah, there you are Sergeant. Aye, here I am. I have to report there’s a wild animal at large. A wild animal you say … what sort of wild animal? A hulking great brute … a gorilla! A gorilla you say. Aye, I do say. You do, do you; and where did you see this gorilla? Inside the Briar Rose. Inside yon Taverna, you say. Aye, I do say. What was it doing inside yon Taverna? Running amok! I thought it might be. Well what do you want me to do about it? I want you to gather up all your men and catch the beast before it does any more damage. Oh you do, do you? 37
Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill
Aye, I do. Right, you’ve come to the right man for the job. Oh good, I was beginning to wonder. In the army we know all about logistics and planning, so you’ve definitely come to the right man. Now, (taking out a notebook) can you give me a detailed description, what exactly does this gorilla look like? Dame Tizzy Well, it’s about this big. Sergeant Drill (Writing) “It’s about this big …”. Dame Tizzy And it’s very hairy. Sergeant Drill Ah! Now this could be very important … how hairy is hairy? Griselda enters and stands next to Sergeant Drill.
Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill
Very, very hairy. (Looking at Griselda) About as hairy as that?
Yes, I would say so. Right, I think from your description we should be able to locate this gorilla of yours. (To Griselda) What do you think? (Griselda nods) I’m glad we’re of the same opinion. Dame Tizzy Excuse me Sergeant but that’s it. Sergeant Drill What is? Dame Tizzy That’s the gorilla I was telling you about. Sergeant Drill Really, oh yes so it is. Just a minute, that’s a … that’s a … that’s a … Dame Tizzy That’s a what? Sergeant Drill A gorilla! Help every man for himself, there’s a gorilla on the loose. A chase ensues (SFX Chase music) in which Griselda chases Dame Tizzy Wiz and the soldiers. Where appropriate, the two spiders descend and Princess Briar Rose sleepwalks, like a ghost. After some time an animal trainer from the circus enters walking backwards. Dame Tizzy Wiz enters from the other side and collides with him.
Zippo Dame Tizzy Zippo Dame Tizzy Zippo Dame Tizzy Zippo
Ah-ha! Caught you at last! Caught me? But I hardly know you. I’m terribly sorry, madam … (bowing in an exaggerated theatrical manner) Zippo the Magnificent at your service. Pleased to meet you. I’m from the circus, here’s my card. I’m looking for Griselda, I don’t suppose you have seen her have you, she’s a gorilla and she’s on the loose. Have I seen her! She’s been running amok! (Mock disbelief) Really? (Griselda enters). Ah there you are! (With great delight Griselda is reunited with her trainer). You naughty, naughty girl … you mustn’t keep running off like that! Say goodbye to the nice lady.
Griselda gives Dame Tizzy Wiz a big kiss.
Dame Tizzy Zippo
Eugh! Goodbye; wave to all the people, bye! Goodbye!
Zippo the Magnificent and Griselda exit, enter Sergeant Drill and the bedraggled platoon.
Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Sergeant Drill Omnes Dame Tizzy Omnes
Eeee! That were a close shave, has it gone? Well, you lot were about as much use as a chocolate teapot! What do you mean, we had the ugly beast on’t run, didn’t we lads? Aye, we did … Not half … (etc) I suppose you tried your best, look I’ll tell you what I’ll do … if you help clean up in there I’ll give you all a drink on the house. Hooray!
Dame Tizzy Wiz and the soldiers exit into the Briar Rose. With a fairy flash Carabosse enters with Briar Rose’s hair clip and a bottle marked ‘Poison’.
38
Carabosse
Ha! Ha! Ha! At last I can see the end in sight, That Princess Briar Rose is no Snow White. And with the Prince now safely back in time, I can use my black magic, poison and rhyme, To make sure only my prophesy will come true, Once this comb is in her hair, she’ll turn blue. It won’t be long before she’ll take to her bed, And with one final breath, she’ll drop down dead … Ha! Ha! Ha! This is just about the best day I’ve ever had, I’m deliciously evil, really wicked and bad … Ha! Ha! Ha!
Carabosse pours the poison over the comb.
There this venomous poison will soon do the trick, I can hardly wait to see her give her long hair a flick. Then she’ll be playing a harp with heavenly choirs, It’s only a matter of time before she finally expires … Ha! Ha! Ha! With a fairy flash the Good Fairy enters holding a crystal ball.
Good Fairy Carabosse Good Fairy Carabosse
Oh it’s you, what are you holding in your hand? Nothing that concerns a miserable thief and brigand. You’re so mean, how can you say such a terrible thing? Easily, watch out for swarms of flies that bite and sting … Ha! Ha! Ha!
Carabosse exits as an angry swarm of insects descends on the Good Fairy.
Good Fairy
Oooh I’m itchy and scratchy from my head to my toes, Where these pesky flies have come from nobody knows. I’m really, really fed up with this terrible scratching game, I command you all to return back from whence you came
The Good Fairy waves her wand (SFX : magic spell).
There that’s better now I feel like my old self once more, You know, I really think it’s about time to settle the score. She’s definitely up to something, I know I’m not wrong, That Carabosse has had it her own way for far too long. My fairy friend lives within this magic crystal ball, She’ll locate the Prince, and Carabosse we’ll stall. The Good Fairy waves her wand (SFX : magic spell).
Crystal, please can you find the Prince, wherever the Spot, Please wake up; I need you to help foil a wicked plot. Oh dear, she seems to be fast asleep; I need some help, I have a little plan; if we all shout, scream and yelp, I’m sure we can wake her from this very deep sleep. Ready? … Crystal! Crystal, wake up; stop counting sheep! It worked; Crystal, I need your help to solve a riddle, The Prince is missing and Carabosse I need to diddle. She’s done something to him that’s evil and nasty, Something really quite terrible wicked and ghastly. But with your help and the crystal ball, we’ll soon find him. Now let me see, everything’s cloudy and also rather dim, But wait, the mists are swirling and now beginning clear, It’s the Prince, and he’s … he’s gone back in time; oh dear. As the Good Fairy gazes into the crystal ball the lights change, the thorn forest curtain opens and we are back in the court of King and Queen Grumble.
39
OPTIONAL MUSIC #10 : SONG & DANCE ROUTINE The King and Queen are discovered sitting on their respective thrones, behind them there are piles of wrapped presents.
King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King Queen King
Where are my slippers? I don’t know … where did you put them last? No, where did you put them last? I’m not in charge of your stupid slippers; they’re probably on your feet. Oh yes, so they are; why didn’t you tell me? Why should I? Because you’re my wife, that’s why! But I’m not your slave. Pity! I wish I’d listened to mother. I wish I’d listened to your mother as well! What is that supposed to mean? I wouldn’t be married to you for a start! Typical; I’ve given you the best years of my life and that’s all the thanks I get. Do you mean to say there’s worse to come? If that’s your attitude, yes, far worse! I can hardly wait. Ohhh, you’re impossible. Delicious, isn’t it. Not particularly! (Looking for his crown) Where’s my … On your head! (Looking for his glasses) Oh! Where’s my … On the end of your nose. (Looking for his newspaper) Oh! What have you done with my … If you’re looking for your stupid newspaper, you’re sitting on it. And what about my darling … Now you have me. Ah-ha! So you don’t know everything after all, do you … call yourself a wife! But where is she, it’s unlike her not to want to open her presents. Presents, what presents? Don’t tell me you haven’t got your own daughter a present on her eighteenth birthday. Birthday, what birthday? After all these years you still never cease to amaze me. Fancy not remembering your only daughter’s birthday … and this birthday of all birthdays. That’s what I have a wife for, why didn’t you remind me? Well that’s rich, why do I need to remind you? Because … Because what? Because I have far more important things to remember! What’s more important than Briar Rose’s birthday? Well, er … I, er … um. Exactly! Well anyway, I did remember, so there. Oh did you … well what did you get her then? Wouldn’t you like to know? 40
Queen
Well yes, I would actually.
King Grumble reaches into his pocket and produces a small package.
King Queen King Queen King Queen King
Queen King Queen
(Triumphantly) There!
What’s that measly little thing? It’s not the size, it’s the thought that went into it that counts. Well by the look of it, if the size in any way reflects the thought then … If you must know, it’s a talisman to ward off evil … I haven’t forgotten that wicked old fairy’s prophesy, even if you have. If you had invited her in the first place, like I told you to, we wouldn’t be in this terrible mess now, would we? Don’t start that all again. How many times do I have to tell you, we didn’t have enough golden place settings, as you very well know, and so one of the wise women had to be missed off the invitation list! Don’t look at me like that! Like what? How was I to know Carabosse was not really a wise woman but a nasty spiteful fairy in disguise! Well if it wasn’t for the Good Fairy our beautiful little Princess might be …
The Queen takes out her handkerchief at the awful prospect.
King
Queen
Look, my sweet, we’ve gone over this a thousand times … the prophesy can’t come true because I’ve had all the spinning wheels in the whole kingdom destroyed, besides which it’s her eighteenth birthday and nothing has happened to her, so all this spell thing must have been a load of old hogwash, bunkum and balderdash. Where is she then, for all you know she might, at this very minute be about to prick her little …
Princess Briar Rose and Prince Frederick enter.
Briar Rose King Briar Rose Queen Briar Rose King Briar Rose Queen Briar Rose King Briar Rose King Briar Rose King Briar Rose King
Mummy, Daddy, I would like you to meet someone. There, I told you … nothing’s happened and nothing’s going to happen. This is … Where have you been, your father and I have been worried sick. What about? You know what today is I presume? (Change to today) Well, Wednesday of course! Now, I would like to present to you … The date, the date, you silly girl. (Change to today) December the 6th. Exactly and what happened on the 6th of December eighteen years ago, you silly goose? Oh you mean my birthday … oh, never mind about that, I’ve far more important things to tell you. Mummy, Daddy, allow me to present … Tush, tush, tush, more important things than a birthday … there’s nothing more important than a birthday. Yes but … Come, come, I love birthdays, and what do we do on birthdays? Well, I, er … We all sing “Happy Birthday” of course, and I am sure all my loyal subjects out there are just itching to join in; ready …
Enter Tick and Tock with Dame Wizzy Tiz in hot pursuit.
Dame Wizzy King Dame Wizzy
Come back here you pair of lazy layabouts What’s the meaning of this intrusion? Oh, it’s you … still with us I see! Your Majesty, I’m so glad you’re here. 41
King Dame Wizzy King Briar Rose King Dame Wizzy King Dame Wizzy King Dame Wizzy Queen Dame Wizzy Queen Tick Queen Tock King Dame Wizzy Queen Tick & Tock Queen King Dame Wizzy King Briar Rose King Dame Wizzy
Glad I’m here, where else would I be? We were just itching to ask you something, so we came straight away. Well ask away, it’s what I live for. Excuse me Dad, but could I introduce … Not now dear, Dame Wizzy is about to ask me something of great importance to the nation. We were having a discussion in the kitchen and we want to know who the king of the hankies is? The king of the hankies, are you out of your mind? The hanker-chief of course! What did one wall say to the other? What? I’ll meet you at the corner. When we want a new court jester we’ll let you know, in the meantime I trust the preparations are complete? Is the cake baked, are all the balloons blown up? Er, well not exactly. What do you mean? We’ve had a slight technical hitch. What sort of hitch? Some of the ingredients are playing up. Have you two gone barking mad? What sugar sings? I beg your pardon? What are you talking about … what sugar sings indeed. Icing sugar, of course! Oh, of course how stupid of me. Agreed! Talking of singing, now you’re here you might as well lead the singing. Oh, can I … you’re so kind; I just love singing, I was on X-Factor once, I was the apple of Simon Callow’s eye, until he booted me off! Yes, yes, just get on with it will you, I’m getting impatient. Dad, may I introduce … Not until after we sing “Happy Birthday” dear. Are you all ready? After three … three!
MUSIC #11 : ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ The audience and cast sing ‘Happy Birthday’.
King
Dame Wizzy King Briar Rose King Briar Rose Queen King
Queen King
I’m very fond of singing … sing something else … what about that smelly song you used to sing to me in the nursery when I was little, you know the one that had ‘pong’ in the title. Oh you mean the “Ping Pong Song”. Yes, that’s the one. Daddy! What is it? I would like to introduce … Not now dear … apparently your father wants us to sing the “Ping Pong Song” and we had better humour him, otherwise we will never hear the last of it. No, you won’t … (to Briar Rose) You and your little friend (Prince Frederick) can take that side of the room, and take your mother with you; Dame Wizzy and you two (Tick and Tock) can take the other half. What about you? I’ll stay here and adjudicate. 42
Dame Wizzy
Tick and Tock, go and fetch the words, and (to the audience) if you can’t read them you should find them in the programme as well.
Tick and Tock run off and return with the words to the “Ping Pong Song”.
Tick & Tock
Here we are.
MUSIC #12 : ‘THE PING PONG SONG’ NOTE : This song is set (very roughly) to the music of ‘The William tell Overture’, but the Director is free to use whatever audience participation song he/she chooses.
Dame Wizzy
Right, are we all ready? All together … one, two, three! Mama had a head like a ping pong ball, Mama had a head like a ping pong ball, Mama had a head like a ping pong ball, Head like a ping pong ball. Ping pong, ping pong, ping pong, ping pong, ping pong, ping pong, ping pong ball. Ping pong, ping pong, ping pong, ping pong, ping pong, ping pong, ping pong ball … Like a ball, like a ping pong ball.
King Dame Wizzy King Queen Tick & Tock Queen Tick & Tock Queen Tick & Tock Dame Wizzy King Queen Tick & Tock Dame Wizzy
Again! Again! Again? Yes, again! Oh, and by the way, Queenie’s side weren’t as loud as the other side. Oh yes we were! Oh no you weren’t! Oh yes we were! Oh no you weren’t! Don’t speak to me like that, I’m the Queen! Sorry, your Maj! Well there’s only one way to find out … we’ll all sing the song again, but you lot sing the pings, and you lot sing the pongs! What a capital idea! So, make sure you’re awake! Why don’t we get some little helpers from the audience up here to help us? Good idea … hands up who would like to come out here and help us sing the “Ping Pong Song”? We want two little girls and two little boys, but don’t bring your wooden horse. (Several children are selected to assist). Tick and Tock will guide you. Out you come dear, you and you etc. (She briefly interviews each child along the lines of : “Hello and what’s your name, dear?”; “Oh, that’s a nice name.”; “Where do you live?”; “Have you got a boyfriend?”; “Did you come with your mum?”; “What’s Father Christmas going give you this year?” etc).
Right, are you all ready to sing the song? You are, well you could have fooled me! Here we go then … and don’t forget, you lot are singing all the pings, and you lot are singing the pongs. Ready … after three … three! (With Tick and Tock she sings the song with their half of the audience. Queen Grumble, Princess Briar Rose and Prince Frederick only sing ‘ping’ at the appropriate place). Brilliant, give yourselves a round of applause!
Queen Dame Wizzy Queen Dame Wizzy Queen Dame Wizzy Queen Dame Wizzy King
I decree we were much louder than that side! Oh no you weren’t! Oh yes we were! Oh no you weren’t! Oh yes we were! (Singing) Oh no you weren’t! (Singing) Oh yes we were! Why don’t we sing it again to see which side can outdo the other … how’s that? And I will be the judge. 43
Dame Wizzy Queen Dame Wizzy
Once more with feeling then! Are you ready? Are you steady? … Go! (The whole audience sing the song once more). Hooray; that deserves a huge clap … go on, spoil yourselves!
The audience clap themselves.
Queen King Dame Wizzy Briar Rose
King Dame Wizzy
Briar Rose King Prince King Briar Rose King
Well, husband of mine, who do you think won? It is our considered royal opinion that both sides were as good as each other, we therefore declare the competition a draw! Hooray! Give yourselves a big clap. Now then children, back to your seats, off you go. Just a minute … (to the children) that seems a shame, going back to your seats without anything to show for it. I have so many presents for my birthday, I am sure I can spare you all something. And while you’re at it, throw that lot some sweets. What a lovely gesture … Tick and Tock will be able to find you all a little present, I’m sure. (Tick and Tock hand out the presents). Weren’t they lovely, ladies and gentlemen … I think we should give them all a big round of applause! Now Daddy, allow me to present … Not until you have opened a present up for yourself … your little friend can choose you something. Yes sir, certainly sir. He doesn’t say much, does he? Daddy, I’ve been trying to tell you, this is my … Not now, not now … open your present. I wish it was my birthday, I love presents.
Prince Frederick selects a present from the pile containing the hair clip.
Prince Briar Rose Queen
Here you are … what about this one. Thank you; (Looking at the label) Oh, it’s from Mr Botolini, how sweet of him. Well open it up.
Briar Rose opens the parcel.
Briar Rose Dame Wizzy Briar Rose King Briar Rose King Briar Rose Prince Briar Rose
Oh, it’s beautiful … oh dear, some of the stones have worked loose. I’ll take it back for you, and I’m sure Mr Botolini will repair it in a jiffy. Oh would you, that would be so kind. And you can take this young man with you. But father this is Prince Frederick, I’ve been trying to introduce him to you all morning! You see the Prince and I are eng… (Interrupting) Well, if he’s a Prince, he should be reliable. If you’re going, then I’ll come too. There’s no need, I’ll come straight back I promise. I hope so, it’s taken a lifetime for me to find you, and now I have, I don’t want to lose you.
Prince Frederick gives Briar Rose a kiss on the cheek.
Dame Wizzy Queen
Tick and Tock, back to the kitchen there’s work to be done! Come along Princey-boy, a stitch in time saves nine; I want to talk to you about the birds and the bees. (To Princess Briar Rose) I think you and I need to have a little talk.
Tick and Tock exit U.S.R. Queen Grumble and Princess Briar Rose exit U.S.L. Dame Wizzy Tiz and Prince Frederick exit D.S.R.
King Queen
Where’s my hot milk … don’t leave me here, I’m lonely, come back! Where are my slippers? (Off) They’re still on your feet! 44
The lights dim and the forest curtains close. Enter Baron Pushover with Spot and Boil.
Baron Spot Boil Baron Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Baron Spot Boil Baron Boil Spot Baron Spot Baron Spot Baron Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Boil Baron Boil Baron Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Baron Boil Spot Baron Boil Baron Spot Baron
Right! Right! Right! Shut-up and listen. (Turning to Boil) Yeah, shut-up and listen. Who are you telling to shut-up? You! I don’t take orders from you! Shut-up! No you shut-up! Both of you shut-up! Right! Right! Be quiet and listen. That’s just like saying shut-up in a nice way. Yeah, so listen to the Baron and shut-up! Spot? Yes, Baron. Shut-up! Yes, Baron. Now then, as you know, Dame Tizzy Wiz owes me the past three months interest on the loan she took out. Does she, I didn’t know that! Yes you did! No I didn’t! Oh yes you did. Oh no I didn’t! Oh yes you did. Oh no I didn’t! Did, did, did! Didn’t, didn’t, didn’t! Look you pair of numbskulls, it doesn’t matter whether you did or didn’t. Doesn’t it? No it doesn’t … all I want you to do is help me to squeeze the money out of her. Right! Right! I said right first. So I said it second, right! Right! Shut-up! Now there must be a way of … (he cannot think what is is though) Putting the frighteners on? Yeah, turning the screws. Be quiet, while I think. What you need is a plan. For once I have to agree with you. Why don’t I go round the back and flush her out. Don’t be ridiculous. Now, Dame Tizzy for all her stupid bravado is very cunning … what we need to do is to enter the premises from the rear of the property and flush her out. 45
Boil Spot Baron Spot Baron Boil
Spot Boil Spot Boil Spot Baron Boil
Cor, that’s a great plan, Baron. That’s my plan … I just said that! No you didn’t. A plan such as this requires the refined brainpower of an academic, not an ignoramus like you! Does it? Yes, it does. Spot, in simple terms, one of us needs to go round the back and flush her out. You couldn’t have thought of that … it takes brains to think of something as sublime as that, so don’t flatter yourself! Sublime? You know what, Boil? What? Some people have the right to be stupid and some people abuse the privilege. What? Think about it! Boil, stop wasting time, off you go; we’ll wait for you here. Right-e-ho, general.
Boil exits S.L.
Spot Baron Spot Baron Spot Baron Spot Baron Spot
Are you really a general, general? No, of course not. Oh. (Slight pause). Baron, why did Boil call you a general then? Because the man’s a fool. Can I ask you something, Baron? Yes of course Spot, what is it? Well I’ve been wondering about a conundrum. A conundrum you say? Yeah, you see if the left hand side of the brain controls the right hand, does that mean that only left-handed people are in their right minds.
The door to the Briar Rose suddenly opens and Boil is ejected.
Baron Boil Baron Boil Spot
Well? It’s no good Baron; she’s got an army in there. An army? Yeah, there’s loads of them, and as soon as I said I wanted “Dame Tizzy Wiz outside, now!”, they all grabbed hold of me and threw me out. Boil, you disappoint me. I thought you were a hard-nut; don’t worry admiral you can rely on me I’ll get her out.
Spot exits S.L.
Boil Baron Boil Baron Boil Baron Baron Boil Baron Boil
Baron, why did Spot call you an admiral? I’ve no idea, Boil. Oh. (Slight pause). I know why; it’s because you’re all at sea. How dare you. Sorry, Baron. Shouldn’t be long now. (Boil takes out a letter). Oh dear, oh dear, this is terrible news! What’s the matter with you? Well, my cousin Harry’s engaged to a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes. I fail to see why that should be a problem? Harry says here that she’s popped her clogs.
The door to the Briar Rose suddenly opens and Spot is ejected.
Baron
Ah! I thought you were going to winkle Dame Tizzy Wiz out? 46
Spot
Boil’s right, she’s got her own private army in there.
Dame Tizzy Wiz enters.
Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Boil Baron Boil Spot Boil Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy
Ah, Baron … how delightful to see you again. Pity I can’t say the same … now this time, I won’t take no for an answer. Oooh Baron, so you do care after all … now tell me. what word is always pronounced incorrectly? What? Incorrectly. She’s right, you know. Boil, shut-up! Yes Baron, sorry Baron. ‘Ere Dame Tizzy Wiz, I’ve got one for you … what do you call the costume of a one legged ballerina … a ‘one-one’! He! He! He! He! He! He! That’s really good that is … a ‘one-one’! Why am I surrounded by such buffoonery! Dame Tizzy Wiz, you owe me three months interest payment … either pay me what you owe me, or I’m foreclosing! Oh Baron, I don’t know what to say. Well, there’s a first! Except, I must get up earlier so I can be ruder for longer. Baron. What is the definition of a transvestite? What. A man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Enter Sergeant Drill.
Sergeant Drill Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy
Dame Tizzy Wiz, is everything all right out here? Everything’s fine, the Baron was just about to propose … (Interrupting) I was going to do no such thing. Oh Baron, you naughty boy. I have just one thing to say … always remember, in the first year of marriage the man speaks and the wife listens; in the second year of marriage the wife speaks and the man listens, and in the third year of marriage they both speak and the neighbours listen. Sergeant Drill Aye that’s very true. Take my case … when I first got hitched, I had a bit of an inferiority complex, me wife’s a big lass you see, and standing next to her I just I felt like a little pebble on’t beach. Dame Tizzy Really? Sergeant Drill Aye, so I decided to be a little bolder! Well, if you’re sure you don’t need any assistance I’ll be off … there’s a pint in there with my name on it! Oh, and by the way, I’ve got my eye on you three, so no funny business, all right? Sergeant Drill exits back into the Briar Rose.
Dame Tizzy Spot & Boil Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Spot & Boil Spot Boil Dame Tizzy
Well there’s no chance of that! Chance of what? Funny business! Now listen here Baron, I hope you don’t mind, but I’m a bit long in the tooth to get married in white. I wouldn’t marry you if you’re middle name was Jordon! Oh Baron, how did you guess … do you think we’ll make a fastidious couple? For the last time we are not a couple, a fastidious couple, or any kind of couple! Yes, you are! She’s fast. And you’re hideous! Remember, I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one for a husband. 47
Boil Spot Boil Spot Spot & Boil Dame Tizzy Spot & Boil Baron Dame Tizzy Baron
Two aerials met on a roof. They fell in love. And got married. Yeah, the ceremony was rubbish. But the reception was brilliant! Listen here you two, I do the jokes. Really, when are you going to start? Enough! Cough up or else! Oh Baron, I’m at my wits end … the end of my wit! I don’t know what to say! Good, and it’s about time too!
Enter Jack.
Jack Baron Jack Baron Jack Dame Tizzy Baron Boil Baron Spot Baron Boil Spot Baron
Well I know what to say … Baron how much does mum owe you? Three months interest! Well, you can take it out of that (He idly tosses a bag of gold at the Baron) and, while you’re at it, settle up the whole amount! Where did you get this? That, my dear Baron, has nothing to do with you! That’s my boy! Bah! You won’t be hearing the last of this … come on you two, I want to go and read the small print! I don’t! Shut-up and follow me! What? Pay attention … I said walk this way. If I walked that way I might get arrested! The old ones are always the best. Not another word!
Baron Pushover, Spot and Boil exit.
Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
Well done, Jack. Thanks, mum. But where did you find that bag of gold? In the pot at the end of the rainbow! Really? Of course not, I just sold that stupid old comb to that funny old woman who kept saying “New combs for old, new combs for old!” Oh Jack, what have you done? Don’t worry mum, there’s plenty more gold … I’ve got another two bags of the stuff; fancy a lollipop? Oh Jack, don’t you see … we’re ruined, ruined I tell you! What will happen when Princess Briar Rose wakes up … oh dear, what are we going to tell her? Oh dear, oh dear! Oh dear! Look mum, don’t worry. Princess Briar Rose isn’t going to wake up. Yes she is. No she isn’t, because she doesn’t exist!
Enter the Good Fairy.
Good Fairy Dame Tizzy
Ah Dame Tizzy Wiz, I need your help. Oh hello dear, I’m afraid I’m not much use to anyone at the moment, in fact I’m positively useless. 48
Jack Dame Tizzy
Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy Jack Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Jack Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy
Oh don’t say that, mum. No it’s true, I don’t blame you. I’m the one to blame. All I had to do was keep my head above water and look after a simple little hair clip belonging to Princess Briar Rose, and I couldn’t even do that. Why what has happened? Oh nothing really. We had a family heirloom … well it wasn’t really ours, we were just looking after it until Princess Briar Rose woke up, but now Jack has inadvertently sold it. Mmm, that’s interesting; who did you sell it to? Oh just some old bag with more money than sense. I thought she was an old witch, but she said she wasn’t an old witch, but a wicked old fairy. Carabosse … I might have known it! Now she’s got the comb she’s definitely up to something! There’s not a moment to lose, we must contact Dame Wizzy Tiz at once. Contact Dame Wizzy Tiz … I can’t see how we are going to do that, she was born over a hundred years ago. Don’t worry about that we must hurry. But you don’t understand she’s … (Interrupting) Stuff and nonsense; we’ll phone her up. Phone her up! It’s not like Dominoes Pizza (or similar local business) … you can’t just phone up anytime you like! This I’ve just got to see … how are you going to do that? Dame Tizzy where’s your mobile. Here it is, but it’s no good there isn’t any credit. We don’t need credit, we need a magic spell. (Using her magic wand, the Good Fairy casts a spell) … Little phone, little phone, ring through the ages, Seek out a number in ancient yellow pages. Ring Dame Wizzy’s phone and make her jump, I think her heart’s going to leap and thump There that should do the trick.
The Good Fairy holds the mobile to her ear and listens.
Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Good Fairy
I knew it! Knew what dear? It’s a trick. Far from it … ah, it’s ringing. Come on Dame Wizzy, hurry up and answer your phone.
The forest curtains part, revealing a room in the castle. D.S.R. there is a small table with an old fashioned Edwardian telephone handset, the telephone is ringing. Dame Wizzy Tiz enters and picks up the telephone putting the ear piece to her right ear and holding the stem towards her mouth.
Dame Wizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy
Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy
Er, hello? … Castle Grumble 341 … Hello? It’s for you. Oh really, now I wonder who this could be. Hello, Dame Tizzy Wiz speaking. No! Yes! No, I’m not Dame Tizzy Wiz, I’m Dame Wizzy Tiz. (Speaking to the others) It really is my great granny, your great great granny Dame Wizzy Tiz. (Speaking to the phone) I know you’re Dame Wizzy Tiz, I’m Dame Tizzy Wiz, Dame Wizzy Tiz. I beg your pardon? You’re Dame Wizzy Tiz, but I’m Dame Tizzy Wiz and if this keeps up I’ll be in a terrible tiz! 49
Dame Wizzy
Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Dame Wizzy Jack Dame Tizzy Jack
Well, I can tell you are already dear, but I don’t have time to waste talking to some mischievous numpty like you who’s got nothing better to do than mess about with my name! But … And I don’t want insurance … (Interrupting) But you don’t under… (Interrupting) … or a new kitchen … (Interrupting) But if you would just let me … (Interrupting) … and if double glazing had been invented, I certainly wouldn’t want that either. Good day to you! Just a minute that’s not what I … If you’re phoning to tell me to get off the line, don’t bother! Why is there a train coming? Exactly! Tell her who you are? Can you hold the line a moment dear, I’m talking to a fairy! You sound like a fairy to me! What did you say? Tell her who you are. Oh very well … Are you still there? Unfortunately yes. I’m your … (Interrupting) My what dear, can you speak up, you sound as if you’re a hundred miles away! (Aside) More like a hundred years, (To the phone). Now, I have something very important to say to you. Oh yes, what is it? Why is abbreviation such a long word? You know what? What? I’d like to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn’t get offended! But great granny Wizzy Tiz, I’m your great granddaughter, Tizzy Wiz. Is that a fact, how extraordinary … how did you get my number? I’m ringing you from the future. Really, that’s nice, what’s the weather like. Oh, just the usual. Same here, well it’s been very nice talking to you but I must dash I have to go and see Mr Botolini before he closes and take this … (Interrupting) Oh don’t go I was wondering if you could help me. Certainly dear, anything to oblige. Well I’ve been wondering why is bra singular and panties plural? Puerile, who are you calling puerile? I want to know why there’s only one Monopolies Commission. How much deeper would the ocean be if there weren’t any sponges in it? I see what you mean, dear … this is a bit like Twenty Questions … if quizzes are quizzical what are tests? Mum, let me speak to her … she’s my granny too. Your great, great granny, Jack! Dame Wizzy I’ve got to go, but Jack your great, great grandson, wants to have a quick word. (She hands the phone to Jack). Hi, Dame Wizzy Tiz. How are you diddling? 50
Dame Wizzy Jack Dame Wizzy Jack Dame Wizzy Dame Tizzy Jack Good Fairy Jack
Oh, just fine thank you; are you a good boy, Jack? Oh yes, always. Don’t ever talk to strangers will you. Of course not, but I did speak to a flasher once. A flasher? A flasher? Yeah, he said he was thinking of retiring but in the end he decided to stick it out for another year. I think this has gone on for long enough … give me the phone, there’s a good boy. Sorry great, great granny Wizzy Tiz, I’ve got to go, the fairy wants to have a word … byeee, speak to you soon.
Jack hands the phone to the Good Fairy.
Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Jack, I want a word with you. A word, what about? About that gold. Come along inside and tell me all about it.
Dame Tizzy Wiz and Jack exit into the Briar Rose.
Good Fairy Dame Wizzy Good Fairy Dame Wizzy Good Fairy Dame Wizzy Good Fairy
Dame Wizzy Tiz now listen carefully … we need you to send Prince Frederick home as soon as possible. Prince Frederick, I’m not sure who you mean. Yes you do, he’s the young man with Princess Briar Rose. Oh him, he’s disappeared … the youth of today; one minute he was with me and the next he wasn’t. But he must be there somewhere. No I’m afraid not, the last I saw of him he was talking to an old woman, then poof, he’d vanished! Carabosse! Oh dear what has she done with Prince Frederick.
Prince Frederick enters.
Prince Dame Wizzy Good Fairy Dame Wizzy
Are you looking for me? Look it’s frightfully nice talking to you, but I really must dash, I have to get to the shops before they close and I’ve still got a cake to bake. Sorry to keep you Dame Wizzy Tiz, goodbye. Byeee!
Dame Wizzy Tiz puts the receiver back.
Good Fairy Dame Wizzy
Oh Dame Wizzy about that cake … I wouldn’t bother if I were … Dame Wizzy? Oh, she’s gone. Jack seems like a nice boy … (as she exits) a bit rude though.
Dame Wizzy Tiz exits S.R. the forest curtain closes.
Prince Good Fairy Prince
Good Fairy Prince
I’ve been looking for Castle Grumble, but I seem to have lost my way. Would you be able to give me directions, I have to meet Princess Briar Rose you see and … Prince Frederick, have you any idea where you’ve been? I’m not sure really. One minute I was talking to an old woman, and the next minute I was in a castle where I met a beautiful princess and, well she’s the girl of my dreams you see and, oh dear … dream, has all this been a dream, because if it has, my heart will be broken forever! Not exactly … the girl you met lived a hundred years ago. A hundred years, but that’s impossible, I spoke to her, I touched her, I met her parents and we were even engaged to be married … it was all so real, it can’t possibly be a hundred years ago! 51
Good Fairy Prince Good Fairy
Prince Good Fairy Prince Good Fairy
I’m afraid it was, the old woman you met wasn’t an old woman at all, but really a wicked old fairy in disguise … she transported you back in time. Why would she want to do a thing like that? I should imagine she wanted you temporarily out of the way so she could get her nasty little hands on Princess Briar Rose’s hair clip … but that’s it! She must have done something to it, something evil and wicked. I don’t understand. Now she’s brought you back to fulfil the ancient prophesy! Prophesy, what prophesy? Princess Briar Rose has been asleep for a hundred years, and it’s your destiny to wake her up with a single kiss.
Enter Dame Tizzy Wiz.
Dame Tizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy Dame Tizzy
Good Fairy Dame Tizzy Good Fairy
Excuse me but this is important. If you really are a fairy, I was wondering if you could do some magic or something. Magic? Well that’s what fairies do, don’t they? I can pay you; here have these bags of gold for your trouble. Gold? You can have it all I don’t want it, I’d rather be poor as a church mouse, but I really must get Princess Briar Rose’s hair clip back at all costs … so, do you think you could do a bit of magic and … (Interrupting) Dame Tizzy, I’m afraid you’ve been tricked. Tricked, what do you mean? I think you’ll find your gold has turned to sand.
Dame Tizzy Wiz looks in the bags.
Dame Tizzy
Ooo-er you’re right. Out of the frying pan into the fire; what will the Baron say?
The Baron enters D.S.R. with Spot and Boil.
Baron Spot & Boil Baron Spot & Boil Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy
Baron
There she is! Spot and Boil, I want her guts for garters! Eugh! Go and get her and bring her to me! Right-ho Captain! Baron! Everybody inside! Quick, after her … there’s no escape! That’s what you think, Baron Nu-nu; bolt the door! (Prince Frederick and the Good Fairy exit into the ‘Briar Rose’ the door slams and she is left on the outside). Not with me still out here, you silly mugwumps, let me in! Ah-ha! Baron Nu-nu indeed … I’ve got you this time!
Spot and Boil secure Dame Tizzy Wiz.
Dame Tizzy Spot Boil Spot Baron Spot Dame Tizzy Spot & Boil Dame Tizzy
Argh! Let go of me! Right! Right! I say right, not you. Shut-up! I don’t know how you managed it, but I won’t stand for it, do you hear? So, hand it over! Hand what over? Your guts! I’m not doing that! 52
Baron Dame Tizzy Spot Baron Boil Baron Spot Boil Baron Boil Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy
Baron Dame Tizzy
I don’t want her guts you idiots. That’s good because I’m rather attached to them. A minute ago you said you wanted her guts for garters. That was just a figure of … (Interrupting) Spot’s right, you did say it; I heard you! Shut-up! Baron, is that your favourite word? Yeah, it must be because you’re always saying it! Shut-up! Shut-up! Shut-up! Thought so! Shut-up! Baron, what’s the most common cause of hearing loss in men? Madam, I’m in no mood to bandy words with … (Interrupting) A woman wanting to talk about her relationship! Baron, hold me close; when I look into your eyes, I can see the back of your head! What’s round, hard and sticks so far out of your pyjamas you can stick a hat on it? How dare you! Your head!
Enter Carabosse holding a spinning wheel.
Carabosse Spot & Boil Carabosse Spot Boil Carabosse Baron Carabosse Baron Carabosse Dame Tizzy Baron
You four, what are you all doing here? Oooh! It’s that old bag again! I said I’d be back, and now I am. Whatever slime pit you crawled out from … (Interrupting) You can go and crawl right back in it! So you want to play, do you? Listen here you old crone, I’m conducting some very important business and I … (Interrupting) Is that so? Yes it is so, now kindly push off. You, the one with a face like a pile of crumpets, I believe this belongs to you. (She gives Dame Tizzy Wiz the hair clip). Take it, I have no further use for it. Briar Rose’s comb! For the last time …
Carabosse snatches the Barons voice and puts it into a bag.
Carabosse Spot Carabosse Spot Boil Spot Carabosse Boil Carabosse Spot & Boil
I’m tired of listening to your nasty little vocal tones. He! He! He! She’s pinched the Baron’s voice. Be quiet, otherwise I’ll put your voice in the ‘shhh’ bag as well! Don’t be such a pessimist. What’s a pessimist? A well-informed optimist! I’ve definitely had enough of you two! Rest assured the feelings mutual! Is that so? Yes, it is so!
Carabosse casts a spell.
Carabosse
(Casting a spell) I’ll teach them a lesson they won’t forget in a hurry,
All three, turn into chickens in a whirl and a scurry. The Baron, Spot and Boil instantly become chickens clucking and moving about, eventually they exit.
Dame Tizzy
That’s a good trick, how did you do it? 53
Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse
If I were you I would be thankful you’ve got your stupid hair clip back and … (Interrupting) What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other … Eileen! … and make yourself scarce, very scarce! You don’t have to say it twice (Banging on the door of the Briar Rose). Open the door and let me in! (The door opens and she goes in). I must wind back the clock a hundred years Briar Rose is eighteen and full of childish fears. For all that she must prick her finger and sleep, Ha! Ha! Ha! A hundred years counting sheep. Now I must travel along a line that’s very convex, And open up a time continuum a spinning vortex.
There is a whirring sound and the forest curtains part, Carabosse puts her shawl over her head and striding forward she sets up the spinning wheel in the centre arch and begins to spin.
Now I’ve returned the prophesy will be fulfilled, And Briar Rose’s blood is sure to be spilled. She’ll prick her finger on my spinning wheel, Then drowsy, creeping sleep she’s sure to feel. Around the castle an impenetrable forest will grow, A place for wriggling serpents, bats, owls or crow. In a hundred years she’ll wake from a single kiss, But her feeling of happiness, elation and bliss, Will be short lived, when her comb is returned, The deadly poisonous state will not be discerned. So when she places the comb in her hair, she’ll die, With hardly any time to say farewell and goodbye. Ha! Ha! Ha! As Carabosse spins she sings a snatch from ‘Golden Slumbers’ Princess Briar Rose enters.
Golden slumbers kiss your eyes Smiles await you when you rise Briar Rose Carabosse Briar Rose Carabosse Briar Rose Carabosse Briar Rose Carabosse Briar Rose Carabosse Briar Rose Carabosse Briar Rose Carabosse
Oh hello, I haven’t seen you around here before. Welcome to Castle Grumble. Thank you, my dear. Have you come a long way? Yes my little precious, I’ve come from the other side of the blue mountain. Goodness me, that is a long way … how did you get here? I borrowed a broomstick! Oh you are funny … excuse me, but what are you are doing? I’m spinning. Spinning? What’s that? It’s very simple all you have to do is take a little bit of wool and spin it into yarn. Really? Oh yes, it’s very easy. Would you like to have a go, my dear? Could I. Yes of course … sit yourself down here and take up a little wool.
Briar Rose and Carabosse change places Briar Rose picks up some wool and begins to spin.
Briar Rose Carabosse Briar Rose Carabosse
What, like this? Yes, that’s it; now push down on the treadle and … (Interrupting) Oh, this is fun. Faster! Faster! 54
Briar Rose
Ow! I’ve been pricked, there’s something very sharp in the wool.
Princess Briar Rose sucks her finger.
Carabosse Briar Rose Carabosse Briar Rose
Let me see … oh dear, it’s drawn blood; perhaps you had better lie down for a bit. Perhaps I had, I’m feeling very light headed and a rather strange. Yes, a little rest would do you good … but hurry, there isn’t much time. All of a sudden I’m feeling terribly sleepy. I’m very sorry, but I really must go; goodbye!
Briar Rose hurriedly exits still sucking her finger.
Carabosse
Ha! Ha! Ha! So the first part of my plan is about to begin, She’ll sleep for years and get terribly thin. I’ll jump forward in time to enjoy the fun, I’m not staying here there’s work to be done. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Carabosse exits through the arch as the forest curtains close. Enter Sergeant Drill and his platoon of soldiers who try to make a line whilst loudly hiccupping.
Sergeant Drill (Drunkenly) Right, guard of honour, now we’ve found t’Prince, don’t let me down. Omnes Wouldn’t think of it Sarge! Of course not (etc). Enter Prince Frederick and Dame Tizzy Wiz.
Atten … wait for it … shun! Now you are sure you have my horse, Spitfire, safely secured in the stable? Oh yes, even though he does have a long face. Well, you’ll find there’s more than enough money in the saddle bags to settle up what we owe you. (He hands the bill back to Dame Tizzy Wiz). Sergeant, stand them all down, there’s a good chap. Sergeant Drill Yeshhh, Prince Frederick! At … (several of the soldiers fall flat on their face) … ease. Prince Sergeant Drill, it appears you’ve all had one over the eight. Sergeant Drill Yeshhh, Sir! Sorry, Sir … it was that Spanish liqueur that did it. Prince Oh well, never mind now … I suppose you’d all better go and sleep it off. Sergeant Drill Yeshhh, Sir! Right you ‘orrible lot, you heard Prince Frederick … single file; by the right, quick march. Sergeant Drill Prince Dame Tizzy Prince
MUSIC #13 : ‘THE LOBSTER SONG’ The soldiers exit whilst singing the first verse. (See Appendix B for the music).
Soldiers
Dame Tizzy Prince
Fisherman, fisherman home from the sea, Have you got a lobster you can sell to me? Singing oh-tiddly-oh, stick or bust, Never let your tum-tum dangle in the dust.
Well, if you don’t mind Prince Frederick, I’ll just go and make sure the dosh is all nice and safe. Of course, be my guest.
Dame Tizzy Wiz exits U.S.L. as the Good Fairy enters from the Briar Rose.
Good Fairy Prince Good Fairy Prince Good Fairy
Prince Frederick, if you ever want to see your beloved Princess again … Of course I do. … and you agree to abide to do exactly what I say? Of course I will. It will take an iron will and steadfast resolve, for many have tried to break the spell and all have perished by the grasping thorns that held them fast. 55
Prince Good Fairy
I am ready for whatever fate has in store! Whether I live or die it doesn’t matter anymore because I really cannot live without my beautiful Princess. The time is just right and all is now ready, With nerves of steel and hands quite steady, Part the forest brambles, wood and thorn, Wake Briar Rose with a kiss at dawn
Prince Frederick tries to part the forest curtains, at first there is a resistance then, with a magical sound the curtains open revealing Princess Briar Rose sleeping peacefully in a four poster bed.
Prince Good Fairy
Prince
You’re sleeping so peacefully I hardly dare breathe. (Calling gently). Princess Briar Rose … wake up … it’s me, Prince Frederick. Quick, there’s not a moment to lose. To break the magic spell you must wake her with a kiss … but hurry if you leave it too long the forest will close back over you; the Princess will never wake up, and you will be caught in the thorns forever! Awake my darling, the girl of my dreams.
Prince Frederick kisses Princess Briar Rose who stirs and gradually wakes up.
Briar Rose
Prince Briar Rose Prince
Oh, I was having the strangest of dreams. I dreamt I was asleep for a hundred years and then … ooh … I feel so stiff, and then a handsome Prince gave me a kiss which broke the magic spell, waking me up and everybody else in the castle. It’s not a dream, it’s true. Prince Frederick, you’re real! Of course I am.
Enter King and Queen Grumble to a Royal fanfare.
King Briar Rose King Briar Rose King Briar Rose King Queen King
What’s the meaning of this? What are you doing in my daughter’s bedroom? But Daddy, this is Prince Frederick I’ve been trying to introduce you for ages and ages. Have you? Yes, it seems like a hundred years … I love him! Do you? Yes, and we’re engaged to be married. Are you? And not a moment too soon by the look of things! Oh goodie, I love weddings.
Dame Tizzy Wiz enters from the ‘Briar Rose’ holding the poisoned comb and a bag of money, she is singing joyfully. Dame Tizzy “I’m in the money, I’m in the money”. (Seeing the castle for the first time) Ooo-er, where’s
King Dame Tizzy King Dame Tizzy King Dame Tizzy King Dame Tizzy
the forest gone … and where’s that dirty great big castle come from, it wasn’t there this morning! Who are you? Er … Dame … (Interrupting) Don’t tell me … you look familiar; haven’t I seen your face somewhere … somewhere else? I doubt it. As far as I’m aware it’s always been right here between my ears. I knew it you’re Dame Wizzy Tiz in disguise! Oh no dear, Dame Wizzy Tiz is my great granny; I’m Dame Tizzy Wiz, and you must be … King Grumble, who do you think I was? Oh … (with a great curtsy) your majesty, after all this time; did you sleep well?
Enter Jack from the ‘Briar Rose’.
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Jack Dame Tizzy King
Mum, if I promise not to speak to strange old biddies again will you let me off writing all these horrible lines? (Seeing the Castle). Cor! What’s going on? This is my son Jack, the great, great grandson of Dame Wizzy Tiz. They’re breeding like rabbits!
Enter Baron Pushover, Spot and Boil.
Baron Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Baron King Baron King Queen Prince Jack Briar Rose Dame Tizzy Baron Omnes Baron Omnes Baron Dame Tizzy Omnes Baron King Baron King Baron King
Dame Tizzy Wiz! Oh botheration, it’s Baron Persistent! There you are! Yes here I am … laid any eggs lately? (Outraged) You hypnotised me … you and that, that witch! Who are you? More to the point, who are you? I’m King … beat that! I’m Queen! I’m Prince! Hey Baron, I don’t suppose you’ve got an ace up your sleeve, have you? And I’m Princess Briar Rose! Oooh! A royal flush! (Incredulous) Are you trying to tell me the old story is true? Yes! You’ve been asleep for a hundred years? Yes! And this is the mystical castle in the woods? After all this time it could do with a lick of paint, but yes it’s all true! Yes, it’s all true! Well, I’ll be jiggered! (Baron Pushover makes an extravagant bow). King Grumble! Oh get up man … I hate all that bowing and scraping! As a young man my great grandfather was in your service. Was he, what was his name? Baron Pushover. Oh him, a complete nincompoop; I sent him overseas to get rid of the fellow.
Enter Carabosse.
Carabosse Omnes Briar Rose King Queen Carabosse Omnes Carabosse Omnes King Queen King Queen King Queen
Ah! What a charming family gathering. You! You’re the old woman with the spinning wheel! You’re the wicked fairy who put a curse on my darling daughter! (To the King) And you’re the idiot who didn’t invite her to the celebration party in the first place! Yes, yes, yes all true, but now a hundred years have passed and I’ve … (Interrupting) `Yes? Turned over a new leaf, I’m not wicked any more. Hooray! In that case, to make amends … (Interrupting) My husband and I would like to … (Interrupting) Oi! I’m doing the asking! `Don’t be ridiculous! You just wanted to say “My husband and I”! So, what of it? 57
King Carabosse Omnes Carabosse Baron Dame Tizzy Carabosse Jack Dame Tizzy Jack Dame Tizzy
Briar Rose Dame Tizzy Jack Briar Rose Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Carabosse Dame Tizzy Briar Rose
My wife and I would like to be the first to invite you to our forthcoming daughter’s wedding! King Grumble, I would be delighted to accept. Hooray. Dame Tizzy Wiz, haven’t you forgotten something? Precisely … none of this changes anything! Where’s my money? Oh well, easy come, easy go, here you are, put that in your pipe and smoke it! That’s not what I meant, haven’t you and your family been keeping something that belongs to … Mum, you’ve got to give the hair clip back to Princess Briar Rose. Humph! O ye of little faith … who said Princess Briar Rose didn’t exist? I know but … Never mind all that now … Princess Briar Rose, on behalf of my great grandmother Dame Wizzy Tiz, my grandmother Dame Wizzle Toz, my mother Dame Tizzy Woz and myself Dame Tizzy Wiz, it gives me great pleasure to be able to return to you the hair clip made by Mr Botolini on the occasion of your eighteenth birthday. Goodness me, do you mean to say you’ve kept my hair clip in your family all this time? Indeed we have, for the past hundred years your hair clip has been in pride of place hanging in a special frame on the wall. Waiting for the day when you woke up to reclaim it! Well that is truly amazing, such loyalty must be rewarded! Dame Tizzy Wiz for such devotion it would give me great pleasure if you keep the hair clip in your family forever. I would be delighted No! What do you mean no? Oh nothing, it just seems a shame that after all these years nobody has seen Princess Briar Rose actually wearing the hair clip. I see what you mean, Princess Briar Rose would you please do us the honour? Of course.
Dame Tizzy Wiz gives Princess Briar Rose the hair clip, she takes it and just before she places it in her hair the Good Fairy enters.
Good Fairy Carabosse Good Fairy
Carabosse Good Fairy
Wait! You again, you tiresome meddling fairy frump! Princess Briar Rose, Carabosse means you great harm, She’s done something to the comb to cause panic and alarm. Black magic, wicked thoughts and evil spells are in the air, On no account must you ever place that comb in your hair. Bah! You fairy goody two shoes, you always manage to turn up in the nick of time! Carabosse, my fairy decree both serious and stern, Is that you must fly from this place never to return. This wish is my command and cannot be broken, The clip will remind you of the words I’ve spoken.
The Good Fairy snatches the hair clip and plunges it in Carabosse’s hair.
Carabosse Omnes Carabosse
Argh! What have you done? Argh! The comb is poisoned and I can already feel it beginning to do its frightful work. Poisoned! I must away to my secret fairy bower, To wash my hair in a magical shower. You’ve won the battle, but to the war One day I’ll be back, to level the score …Ha! Ha! Ha! 58
Carabosse exits D.S.L. screaming.
Good Fairy
Baron Good Fairy
Dame Tizzy Good Fairy
There is but only one thing left to unravel and explain, Baron many years ago do you remember catching a train. With a beautiful young bride, baby twins and a son, Whilst buying a paper the train left and you had to run? Of course I do how could I forget? And do you Dame Tizzy remember the fateful day, When out walking with Jack you lost your way. The two babes were left to look after each other, And brought themselves up without a mother. Oh my poor babies! Fate is very strange you really must agree, Open your eyes and tell me what you see.
The Good Fairy waves her wand (SFX : magic spell).
Spot & Boil Jack Spot & Boil
(Running to Dame Tizzy Wiz) Mummy! (To Baron Pushover) That means you and mum are … Daddy!
Daddy!
Jack, Spot and Boil embrace the Baron.
Dame Tizzy Baron Dame Tizzy Good Fairy
Omnes
At last we’re altogether again one big happy family! I don’t believe it! I’ll take that if you don’t mind. (She snatches the money). I wear the trousers in this household, and don’t you forget it! Carabosse is banished and will never return, My spell is law which she cannot upturn. Briar Rose is safe, so let’s talk about marriage, A fairytale wedding with horse and carriage. Prince Frederick, give your bride a loving kiss, And accept my blessings of happiness and bliss. Now everything’s resolved for another year … A merry Christmas to all and a … … Happy New Year!
MUSIC #14 : A SUITABLE CHRISTMAS SONG MUSIC #15 : SUITABLE WALKDOWN & CALLS MUSIC
THE END
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Appendix A (the semi-improvised shadow puppet element)
The Tragic Story of Princess Brier-Rose 1 King and Queen unhappy
2
King and Queen walk down steps Baby revealed King and Queen happy Crowd of cheering happy people appear and disappear Good Fairies appear one by one and cast a good wish…. Each wish is greeted by the crowd reappearing and cheering.
Once upon a time there was a King and a Queen, who said every day, "Oh, if only we had a child!" but no matter how hard they tried they were always unlucky.
But one day, after all their longing and waiting the Queen gave birth to a little baby girl. The King was so delighted, he instantly ordered a great celebration, inviting not only his relatives and friends, but also all the Good Fairies in the land. Each Fairy gave the little baby a gift, as was the custom of fairies in those days. The first fairy declared that the little Princess would be the most beautiful person in the world. The second fairy said she would have the wit of an angel.
Rhymes could be spoken by each Fairy for this: 3
Bad Fairy appears and casts bad spell on baby Crowd appear unhappy. Crown and Bad Fairy disappear leaving King and Queen unhappy
4
Image of burning spinning wheels
Suddenly the door flew open and Carabosse, the bad fairy, entered she was so horrible and nasty she had not been invited to the celebrations, and then out of pure spite she said "In the princess's eighteenth year she will prick herself on a spinning wheel and fall down dead!" Then without saying another word she flew out of the hall. All the guests, relatives and friends cried out in horror. “What can we do?”, “How can we save the Princess” they cried, but luckily there was one last fairy that still had a wish to give. The Good Fairy said that though once a wish had been granted she couldn’t undo it, but at least she could change it, "Instead of dying from the prick on her finger the princess will only fall into a deep sleep for a hundred years." She declared.
The king, wanting to save his dear child from such a terrible fate, proclaimed that all the spindles in the entire kingdom should be destroyed in a huge bonfire.
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5
Princess aged 18 Stairs appear Princess walks up stairs, which move… to reveal next scene
6
Old Woman at spinning wheel… laughing
As the years passed all The Good Fairy’s gifts were fulfilled and Princess Briar Rose grew into a beautiful, kind and intelligent young woman, so much so, that everyone who saw her could not help but love her. Now it happened, on the very day she was eighteen years old, her parents, the King and Queen had left her to walk alone around the castle grounds, eventually she arrived in an area of the castle she had never seen before, coming across a mysterious tower she walked up the narrow stone steps eventually arriving in a small room.
There sat an old woman with a spindle busily spinning flax. As the Princess had never seen anybody spinning before she was naturally very intrigued “What are you doing” she innocently asked. “Why I’m spinning my dear, would you like to have a go?” the old woman said. “Oh yes please” said the Princess, but as soon as she started to spin she immediately pricked her finger, the wicked prophesy came true and she instantly fell into a deep, deep, sleep while Carabosse, because that is who the old woman really was cackled and laughed!
End of Shadow Puppet element
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Sleeping Beauty Story-board
1 
King and Queen unhappy
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2
King and Queen walk down steps Baby revealed King and Queen happy Crowd of happy people appear and disappear Good Fairies appear one by one and cast a good wish…. Each wish is greeted by the crowd reappearing and cheering.
63
3
Bad Fairy appears and casts bad spell on baby Crowd appear unhappy. Crown and Bad Fairy disappear leaving King and Queen unhappy
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4 
Image of burning spinning wheels
65
5
Princess aged 15 Stairs appear Princess walks up stairs, which move… to reveal next scene
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6
Old Woman at spinning wheel… laughing
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Appendix B
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