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A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
A Police Recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said: "Call for backup."
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Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Parrish Publishing
P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603
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Blonde Burglary Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
The Painter There was a painter by the name of Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin his paint to make it go further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. He went about erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with the turpentine. Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!
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CONGRATULATIONS Susie Veneziano of Ozark Susie won the “Find The Fall Leaves contest in the September issue of Laughs&Lifts. Susie receives a a gift certificate for an Oil Change from Road Mart in Ozark, Free Admission To McClellan’s Zoo Critters in Banks, Al. for 4 children when accompanied by at least one paying adult, $25 Free Cleaning from Logan’s Cleaners in Ozark, A free lunch from Rita’s Soul Food in Ozark, 4 admission tickets to the National Peanut Festival and a six month subscription to Laughs&Lifts. I thank everyone that entered and I hope you all had fun finding the Fall Leaves. The Hidden Object contest is new each month and the winner receives a prize package worth at least $100.
Lawyer at the Pearly Gates A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son... We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!"
PAIN IS NOT NORMAL “Choose the path to health, and enjoy the ride.”
Dr. Michael Talley, Chiropractic Physician
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A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him...Mother didn't come after all."
Attractive Girl A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from a illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a prescription medication from her physician. The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective. After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor's office for another one. The receptionist announced to the returning patient to the doctor: "It's the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses."
"Purpose: Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition."
Failure is never final Success is never ending, failure is never final. - Dr Robert Schuller
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
Impossible Argument
It was the first day of school after summer vacation. The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends. THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats. The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke... "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter. The first one is "gross" And the other one is "cool" Are there any questions?" After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks... "So, what are they?"
A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed.
IDIOT After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."
The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible," to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to
impossible."
New Company Policy When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on notrace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid!
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Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror?
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Death Notice (Author Unknown)
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition! It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled it in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone..
Quick Jokes Bernie was invited to his elderly friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate: 1.
A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation. "I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one. "That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly. "Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."
Teaching Your Daughter We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her, and a man who compliments her .... a man who spends money on her, and a man who invests in her .... a man who views her as property, and a man who views her properly ..... a man who lusts after her, and a man who loves her ..... a man who believes he is God's gift to women, and a man who remembers a woman was God's gift to man.
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Pao, Senhor? He couldn't have been over six years old. Dirty face, barefooted, torn T-shirt, matted hair. He wasn't too different from the other hundred thousand or so street orphans that roam Rio de Janeiro. I was walking to get a cup of coffee at a nearby cafe when he came up behind me. With my thoughts somewhere between the task I had just finished and the class I was about to teach, I scarcely felt the tap, tap, tap on my hand. I stopped and turned. Seeing no one, I continued on my way. I'd only taken a few steps, however, when I felt another insistent tap, tap, tap. This time I stopped and looked downward. There he stood. His eyes were whiter because of his grubby cheeks and coal-black hair. "Pao, senhor?" (Bread, sir?) Living in Brazil, one has daily opportunities to buy a candy bar or sandwich for these little outcasts. It's the least one can do. I told him to come with me and we entered the sidewalk cafe. "Coffee for me and something tasty for my little friend." The boy ran to the pastry counter and made his choice. Normally, these youngsters take the food and scamper back out into the street without a word. But this little fellow surprised me. The cafe consisted of a long bar: one end for pastries and the other for coffee. As the boy was making his choice, I went to the other end of the bar and began drinking my coffee. Just as I was getting my derailed train of thought back on track, I saw him again. He was standing in the cafe entrance, on tiptoe, bread in hand, looking in at the people. "What's he doing?" I thought. Then he saw me and scurried in my direction. He came and stood in front of me about eye-level with my belt buckle. The little Brazilian orphan looked up at the big American missionary, smiled a smile that would have stolen your heart and said, "Obrigado." (Thank you.) Then, nervously scratching the back of his ankle with his big toe, he added, "Muito obrigado." (Thank you very much.) All of a sudden, I had a crazy craving to buy him the whole restaurant. But before I could say anything, he turned and scampered out the door. As I write this, I'm still standing at the coffee bar, my coffee is cold, and I'm late for my class. But I still feel the sensation that I felt half an hour ago. And I'm pondering this question: If I am so moved by a street orphan who says thank you for a piece of bread, how much more is God moved when I pause to thank him - really thank him - for saving my soul? Max Lucado
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My Cup Has Overflowed I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now. But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow. And as I go along life's way, I'm reaping better than I sowed. I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. Haven't got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going's tough. But I've got loving ones all around me, and that makes me rich enough. I thank God for his blessings, and the mercies He's bestowed. I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed. I remember times when things went wrong, My faith wore somewhat thin. But all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeped through again. So Lord, help me not to gripe, about the tough rows I have hoed. I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed.
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Community Newspaper My home town is such a small community; a friend was surprised that we had a community paper. He asked me about it. I replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
Famous Last Words "Are you sure the power is off?" "He's probably just hibernating." "I can do that with my eyes closed." "I wonder where the mother bear is?" "I'll get a world record for this." "I'll hold it and you light the fuse." "And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?" "I'm making a citizen's arrest." "It's fireproof." "It's strong enough for both of us." "I've done this before." "I've seen this done on TV." "Let it down slowly." "Nice doggie." "Now watch this..." "Pull the pin and count to what?" "Rat poison only kills rats." "So, you're a cannibal..." "Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing." "That's odd..." "These are the good kind of mushrooms." "This doesn't taste right." "What does this button do?" "Which wire was I supposed to cut?"
A panda bear walks into a diner and
orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The owner yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The owner replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The owner goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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First, Second, and Third Children Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first. 1) Your Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. 2) Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
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3) The Nursery 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, colorcoordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? 4) Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frownyou pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up
when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. 5) Pacifier 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. 6) Diapering 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
7) Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. 8) Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. 9) At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. 10) Swallowing Coins 1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass. 3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
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A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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Gorilla Removal Did I tell you the story about the day I arrived home from work and discovered a gorilla sitting on my roof? Not knowing what to do, I opened the Yellow Pages and looked up "Gorilla Removal." I called the only listing. A man quickly arrived and removed the following equipment from his truck: a ladder, a bunch of bananas, a big stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua and a gun. As I was appropriately curious, I asked him what he was going to do with all that stuff. The man replied: "I'm going to use the ladder to get on the roof, then I'm going to throw the bananas to the gorilla. While he's busy eating them, I'm going to knock him off the roof with this stick. When he hits the ground the Chihuahua is going to bite him in the groin, at which time the gorilla will throw his hands in the air, and you slap the cuffs on him." I asked, "What about the gun?" The man handed the gun to me and said, "Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off the roof. If that happens, you shoot the Chihuahua!"
EVERY DAY Every day I need you Lord But this day especially, I need some extra strength To face what ever is to be. This day more than any day I need to feel you near, To fortify my courage And to overcome my fear. By myself, I cannot meet The challenge of the hour, There are times when humans help, But we need a higher power
To assist us bear what must be borne, and so dear Lord, I pray Hold on to my trembling hand And be near me today. - Author Unknown
Making Dinner: Recipe calls for a 1/4 cup of thyme. That's 15 minutes, right?
Assertiveness A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," said his wife.
Quick Jokes A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's crosseyed?' 'No, because he's heavy.' I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.
Naughty Naughty The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"
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Groups of Animals I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."
Kids only want high-technology toys nowadays. My niece has an imaginary playmate that requires batteries.
A passenger in a two-seater airplane was far up in the sky when the pilot began to laugh hysterically. Passenger: "What's the joke?" Pilot: "I'm thinking of what they'll say at the asylum when they find out I've escaped."
Test Results Good News Joey walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer. "Dad," said Joey, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?" Dad nodded. "Well," said Joey, "The good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons????? Believe it or not .... a Congress, that much explains the things that come out of Washington.
Death Notice (Author Unknown) Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using CONTINUED ON PAGE 16
Did you get your spring bulbs planted yet? I know there are so many varieties of bulbs to choose from that it is hard to decide what to put out. Try planting some Alliums (flowering onions) or anemones, Bluebells, or cyclamens. They are beautiful but less well known. Alliums are especially exciting. I ordered Hair Alliums which looks like something Dr. Seuss might think up. I can hardly wait to see them next spring.As soon as you get your bulbs try putting them in the freezer for a few days before planting them or a few weeks in the fridge. This works with the plants natural rhythm to produce a bigger and better bloom for next spring. Be sure to plant them immediately after chilling them. My grandmother used to save her gerimums (there wasn’t so many garden center back then) for the next year by shaking dirt off the roots of her best plants and hanging them upside down in her basement for the winter. Then in spring she would trim the plant back and replant them. Each year her plant just got bigger and more beautiful. You might give it a try yourself just for the fun of it. Remember the area must be cool but not freezing.
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Now is a great time to clean up your gardens and borders. Remove spent plants and dead debris as plant pests will over winter there. Trim out dead branches in your shrubs and trees and well as your rose bushes. You still need to water but not as frequently. The winds that usher in fall can still be drying. Stop fertilizing your outside plants. This is still a good time to plant roses so they can settle in before cold weather. They will not be stressed with the heat and can develop a good root system. Stop removing spent rose bloom and allow rose hips to develop. This signals the plant that it is time to go dormant .This is also a good time to plant trees and shrubs so they can get roots before winter. Try something daring and exciting like a weeping cherry or weeping redbud tree as a focal point in your yard. Plant a few perennials under the tree. Try some spring blooming and falling blooming perennials and don’t forget to leave room for the annuals so you can have color everyday of the blooming season. Trim the area with low growing plants such as Creeping Phlox, Sweet Williams, Alyssum or Candytuft. Oh what a beautiful yard that will make. Try putting a pot of annuals inside the cavity of your pumpkin and put it out on your porch. Happy Autumn, Sharon,
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I Loved You Enough . . . (Author Unknown) Some day when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them: "I loved you enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home." "I loved you enough . . . to insist that you save your money and buy a bike for yourself even though we could afford to buy one for you." "I loved you enough . . . to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep." "I loved you enough . . . to make you take a Milky Way back to the drugstore (with a bite out of it) and tell the clerk, 'I stole this yesterday and want to pay for it.'" "I loved you enough . . . to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that would have taken 15 minutes." "I loved you enough . . . to let you see anger, disappointment and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect." "I loved you enough . . . to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart." "But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say 'no,'when I knew you would hate me for it. Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too."
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The greatest things in life are not things at all.
Thought for Today, If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over.
First Case Tried An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
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mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition! It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled it in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone..
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"Simple Prayer" My son Gilbert was eight years old and had been in Cub Scouts only a short time. During one of his meetings he was handed a sheet of paper, a block of wood and four tires and told to return home and give all to "dad". That was not an easy task for Gilbert to do. Dad was not receptive to doing things with his son. But Gilbert tried. Dad read the paper and scoffed at the idea of making a pine wood derby car with his young, eager son. The block of wood remained untouched as the weeks passed. Finally, mom stepped in to see if I could figure this all out. The project began. Having no carpentry skills, I decided it would be best if I simply read the directions and let Gilbert do the work. And he did. I read aloud the measurements, the rules of what we could do and what we couldn't do. Within days his block of wood was turning into a pinewood derby car. A little lopsided, but looking great (at least through the eyes of mom). Gilbert had not seen any of the other kids cars and was feeling pretty proud of his "Blue Lightning", the pride that comes with knowing you did something on your own. Then the big night came. With his blue pinewood derby in his hand and pride in his heart we headed to the big race. Once there my little one's pride turned to humility. Gilbert's car was obviously the only car made entirely on his own. All the other cars were a father-son partnership, with cool paint jobs and sleek body styles made for speed. A few of the boys giggled as they looked at Gilbert's, lopsided, wobbly, unattractive vehicle. To
add to the humility Gilbert was the only boy without a man at his side. A couple of the boys who were from single parent homes at least had an uncle or grandfather by their side, Gilbert had "mom". As the race began it was done in elimination fashion. You kept racing as long as you were the winner. One by one the cars raced down the finely sanded ramp. Finally it was between Gilbert and the sleekest, fastest looking car there. As the last race was about to begin, my wide eyed, shy eight year old ask if they could stop the race for a minute, because he wanted to pray. The race stopped.
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Gilbert hit his knees clutching his funny looking block of wood between his hands. With a wrinkled brow he set to converse with his Father. He prayed in earnest for a very long minute and a half. Then he stood, smile on his face and announced, 'Okay, I am ready."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
As the crowd cheered, a boy named Tommy stood with his father as their car sped down the ramp. Gilbert stood with his Father within his heart and watched his block of wood wobble down the ramp with surprisingly great speed and rushed over the finish line a fraction of a second before Tommy's car.
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. When he was almost there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
Gilbert leaped into the air with a loud "Thank you" as the crowd roared in approval. The Scout Master came up to Gilbert with microphone in hand and asked the obvious question, "So you prayed to win, huh, Gilbert?"
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To which my young son answered, "Oh, no sir. That wouldn't be fair to ask God to help you beat someone else. I just asked Him to make it so I don't cry when I lose."
CONTINUED ON PAGE 20
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Find all 6 HORSES & FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
Mail or E-Mail the name of the 6 business’ where you found the HORSES , along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361 Or email same to LaughsandLifts@live.com with the subject line “HORSES”. NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on Oct. 20th The winner will be notified by phone or email.
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Aging with a Smile My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. I think I've reached my sexpiration date. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty." Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
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Walter H. Deubner ran a small Christian grocery store in St. Paul, Minnesota, and he was looking for a way to give his business a boost. By careful observation, he noticed that his customers purchases were limited by what they could conveniently carry from his store. So he set about devising a way to help them buy more purchases at one time. It took him four years to develop the right solution: a prefabricated package, inexpensive, easy to use-and strong enough to carry up to seventy-five pounds worth of groceries. The shopping bag consisted of a paper bag with cord running through it for strength. Deubner named his new product after himself, calling it the ( Deubner Shopping Bag,) and sold it for five cents. Deubner patented his product and within three years, by 1915, was selling over a million shopping bags a year. HUSBAND QUOTES
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Children seem to have a wisdom far beyond us. Gilbert didn't ask God to win the race, he didn't ask God to fix the out come, Gilbert asked God to give him strength in the outcome. When Gilbert first saw the other cars he didn't cry out to God, "No fair, they had a fathers help". No, he went to his Father for strength. Perhaps we spend too much of our prayer time asking God to rig the race, to make us number one, or too much time asking God to remove us from the struggle, when we should be seeking God's strength to get through the struggle. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 Gilbert's simple prayer spoke volumes to those present that night. He never doubted that God would indeed answer his request. He didn't pray to win, thus hurt someone else, he prayed that God supply the grace to lose with dignity. Gilbert, by his stopping the race to speak to his Father also showed the crowd that he wasn't there without a "dad", but His Father was most definitely there with him. Yes, Gilbert walked away a winner that night, with his Father at his side. By Peggy Porter
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A worker at a cargo handler for a major package delivery company came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled him, particularly the line describing the contents. He finally realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church. But at first he thought he was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight.
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ENGLISH IS EASY? So a 2-letter word has a hundred completely different meanings. So what is this stuff about English being easy?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. Now this UP is really confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, the word up, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. CONTINUED ON PAGE 26 When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............I'll give UP and shut UP.....!
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Solve the Suduko puzzle by making sure that each row, column & region contains the numbers 1 to 9 with no repeats
Wisdom often has 2 parts 1) having a lot to say 2) not saying it.
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee, telling him that he was a better golfer than that, and how dare the caddy underestimate his game. So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one long putt..."
Long Cold Winter It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"
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Mac & Cheese
Aunt T’s Kitchen Company Mac & Cheese
Herbed Mac & Cheese Ingredients
Ingredients
1 tablespoon butter
·1 package (7 ounces) elbow macaroni
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
·6 tablespoons butter, divided
2 cups fat-free milk
·3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
3/4 to 1 teaspoon dried marjoram
·2 cups milk
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme
·1 package (8 ounces) Cream Cheese (softened or cubed), cubed ·
2 cups (8 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese
·
2 teaspoons spicy brown mustard
·
1/2 teaspoon salt
·
1/4 teaspoon pepper
·
3/4 cup dry bread crumbs
·
2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley
1/8 teaspoon paprika 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard ·
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese, divided 1 package (7 ounces) elbow macaroni, cooked and drained 1 cup (8 ounces) low-fat cottage cheese
Directions
Directions ·
Cook macaroni according to package directions. Meanwhile, melt 4 tablespoons butter in a large saucepan. Stir in flour until smooth. Gradually add milk. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes.
·
Reduce heat; add cheeses, mustard, salt and pepper. Stir until cheese is melted and sauce is smooth. Drain macaroni; add to the cheese sauce and stir to coat.
·
1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
Transfer to a greased shallow 3-qt. baking dish. Melt the remaining butter; toss with bread crumbs and parsley. Sprinkle over macaroni. Bake, uncovered, at 400° for 1520 minutes or until golden brown. Yield: 6-8 servings.
·
In a large saucepan, melt butter. Stir in flour until smooth. Gradually add milk, stirring constantly. Bring to a boil over medium heat; boil for 2 minutes or until thickened. Add marjoram, thyme, nutmeg and paprika; stir until blended. Remove from the heat.
·
Stir in mustard and 1/3 cup Parmesan cheese; mix well. Add macaroni and cottage cheese; stir until coated.
·
Pour into an 8-in. square baking dish coated with cooking spray. Bake uncovered, at 350° for 30 minutes or until top is golden brown. Yield: 4 servings.
Mexican Mac & Cheese Ingredients · · · · · · ·
8 ounces macaroni 14½ oz. can Mexican diced tomatoes 1 can of condensed cream of mushroom soup 8 ounces of sour cream 4 ½ oz. can chopped green chilies 1 cup Monterey Jack cheese 1 cup cheddar cheese
Directions · Cook macaroni according to package directions. Drain. Combine macaroni and next four ingredients. Stir in ½ of the cheeses. Pour into a lightly greased 2 quart baking dish. Top with remaining cheeses and bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Yield 6
Mac & Cheese
Aunt T’s Kitchen
Four-Cheese Macaroni
Creamy Mac & Cheese
Ingredients
Ingredients
1 package (16 ounces) elbow macaroni
·
2 cups elbow macaroni
1/4 cup butter, cubed
·
1/3 cup mayonnaise
·
¼ cup chopped pimiento
1/8 teaspoon pepper
·
¼ cup chopped green pepper
3 cups 2% milk
·
¼ cup finely chopped onion
·
10½ can condensed cream of mushroom soup
1/2 cup crumbled blue cheese
·
½ cup milk
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
·
1 cup shredded sharp process American cheese
1/4 cup all-purpose flour 1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups (8 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese 1-1/2 cups (6 ounces) shredded Swiss cheese
Directions ·
·
Directions Cook macaroni according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a Dutch oven over · Cook macaroni according to package medium heat, melt butter. Stir in the flour, directions. Drain. Combine mayonnaise, salt and pepper until smooth. Bring to a boil; pimiento, green pepper, and onion. Blend boil and stir for 2 minutes. Gradually add milk, stirring constantly. together soup, milk, and ½ cup of cheese. Stir into macaroni: place in a 1½ quart Reduce heat to low; add cheeses and stir casserole dish. Top with additional ½ cup of until melted. Drain macaroni; add to cheese cheese. Baked uncovered at 400 degrees sauce and stir until well coated. Yield: 12 for 20 to 25 minutes. Yield 4-6 servings servings.
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Qetting The Lumber Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.
"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.
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"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. "Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. "Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman. "Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."
hree Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One of them said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with them flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off. Another pastor said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away!" The third pastor said, "I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and they haven't seen one back since!"
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CLUES ACROSS 1. Former Russian federation 5. Gomer __, TV marine 9. America's favorite uncle 12. TV singing show 13. Enlarges a hole 15. Contest of speed 16. Throw forcefully 17. Plebe 18. "A Death in the Family" author 19. Batting statistic 20. 11th US state 22. Grand __, vintage 25. The content of cognition 26. Boxes of wine bottles 28. Diego, Francisco, Anselmo 29. An upper limb 32. Buddy 33. Muddle with infatuation 35. The cry made by sheep 36. Outward flow of the tide 37. Instances of selling 39. Subdivision of a play 40. Point east of due north 41. Made full 43. Vietnam War offensive 44. "Hi-Ho Steverino"'s Louis 45. Soak flax 46. Nostrils 48. Come to the surface 49. Dame (Br. title abbr.) 50. 2008 movie Millionaire 54. Pakistani rupee 57. Aboriginal Japanese 58. Shifted to change course 62. Paddles 64. Radioactivity units 65. Saudi citizens 66. Go down slowly 67. "Emily" actress Stark 68. Dryer residue 69. German river
CLUES DOWN 1. Exclamation: yuck! 2. Pronounce indistinctly 3. One of Serbian descent 4. Antiquities 5. Communist China 6. Affirmative shout 7. A boy or young man 8. Made textual corrections 9. Palm starch 10. Dicot genus 11. Mild and humble 14. "Village Wedding" painter 15. Beam out 21. 42nd state 23. Confederate soldier 24. Utilizes 25. Place in quarentine 26. Taxidriver 27. "Tiny Alice" author Edward 29. Make less active 30. Plural of 15 across 31. Marshall Dillon 32. "Milk" actor Sean 34. Female store clerk 38. Convey a message 42. A small amount 45. Red wine region of No. Spain 47. Freedom from activity 48. Rural delivery 50. Cutty __ (drink) 51. Chinese dynasty 970-1125 52. Change by reversal 53. House mice genus 55. A sudden attack by a small force 56. Gray sea eagle 59. Spoken in the Dali region of Yunnan 60. Point north of due east 61. Winter time in most of the US (abbr.) 63. Swedish krona (abbr.)
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Priceless (Author Unknown)
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $100 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $100 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $100 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $100. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened, how unclean, crumpled or creased, you are still priceless to God."
Big.. dare I say.. GI-NORMOUS! In this world where the fast food is supersized, and the athletes are steroid-sized .. I want a BIG FAITH. The Bible is full of examples of our BIG GOD (the only God) doing BIG things using ordinary people. Since I am 'very ordinary' I find myself encouraged. In fact it appears herding sheep, and catching fish were the qualifications of some of God’s great leaders of the Bible rather than the leading candidates from the local seminary. So being the son of a logger who now draws cartoons.. I could end up being KING.. or somethin'. For example - Moses was an 80+ year old sheep tender when God called him to PLAY HARDBALL WITH PHAROAH. - David was just a shepherd boy when God used him to THROW HARD STONES AT THE FELLA WEARING CLOTHES FROM THE BIGGER AND TALLER SECTION who defied God. - The ministry of Jonah was bore out of the belly of a BIG fish, and - Jesus acting cabinet (aka disciples) was staffed by mostly fishermen. Finally, - God with an ironic sense of humor chose the greatest missionary movement to be led by Saul/Paul the persecutor of the early church. Doing jail time for God. My point is.. BIG is what God does when we are obedient and willing to operate outside the our own man-made limits. Big is NOT what society sees a big.. Let me share a few SMALL examples of BIG BIG is a small struggling church plant faithfully meeting in the home of the pastor Big is the prayer warrior who's quiet effective fervent prayer life may never be realized this side of Heaven. Big is being little in the eyes of this world for the greater good of God's kingdom. BIG is becoming unflappable in the face of life's storms. BIG is being faithful and obedient to who God uniquely made each of us. BIG is being faithful and obedient to God in the moments that make up every day. Big is to love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, and mind and others as yourself, BIG is being faithful and not giving up when bone tired, and discouraged. They Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth (by each of us) as it is in Heaven... Big is NOT found on any to-do listSo if you are ordinary folk like me, may His love and provision for His people be seen as .. BIG.. if not GI-NORMOUS! Blessings, Jeff
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Encouragement for Married Couples:
10 Wisdoms for Your HEALTH
By: Wallace Kenndy Jr.
1. More Vegetables - Less Meat
I recently celebrated 31 years of marriage with my only wife. Thanks are to the Lord, His love, mercy, forgiveness and grace made it all possible. We may all have our disagreements, arguments, and struggles along the way, but when Christ is the “CENTER” of your life and home, it will help enable us to stay together. The Bible says God is love, and that He loved us before we were even born. This gives us insight that love is a CHOICE and not a feeling or emotion. Feelings and emotions do change from day to day, and sometimes we make the terrible mistakes of wanting the other person to make us happy. When we think about it, that is a lot of power, control and responsibility to place on another person. Marriage, happiness, and life itself rest upon the choices that we make. God so loved the world that He gave His only Son to die for the sins of the world. This was a choice that God made not because we have been so good and earns the greatest love sacrifice of all. When we choose to love, conditions will not change the love we have for one another. Romans 8:38-39 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (NLT) What are the characteristics of love? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 The Answer: Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Be encouraged and make Christ the “CENTER” of your life and marriage. Jesus is the Chief Corner Stone, so our alignment for life rest upon Him. God bless and keep your marriage growing strong, until death due you apart!
2. More Vinegar - Less Salt 3. More Fruits - Less Sugar 4. More Chew - Less Food 5. More Walk - Less Ride 6. More Sleep - Less Worry 7. More Smile - Less Frown 8. More Practice - Less Thinking 9. More Praise - Less Blame 10. More Charity - Less Greed
Music Saved My Life Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"
Serving Money An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has." The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky." "Why?" asked the old man in surprise. "Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
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