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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
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America
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
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WRITTEN LIFETIME WARRANTY ON ALL ALUMINUM PRODUCTS
PICTURE IT CUSTOM DECKS , AWNINGS, CARPORTS, POOL ENCLOSURES, PATIO COVERS, SUNROOMS & SEAMLESS GUTTERS
Making Dreams Come True In The Wiregrass for over 10 Years! rlavender320@charter.net DESERTED ISLAND From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."
PONDER THIS If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme junk, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
"Yesterday is experience, Tomorrow is hope, Today is getting from one to the other."
"As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me play with." "Keeping a Confidence" A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a boy," came the reply. FIVE YEARS EXPERIENCE Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
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2557 Hwy 231 North Ozark AL 36360 334-774-9587 www.PatsPetalsGardenCenter.com
n t Garde e r c e S Pat’s g Group Bookin O W! Tours N 11th pril Open A 5th - June 1
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Pat’s Secret Garden is a peaceful riding tour through 10 acres of God’s Creation. Pat personally guides groups through her garden pointing out special features along the way.
Rose Garden Feeding Fish in Pond Bell Garden Pond with 20’ Fountain Children’s Pooh Bridge
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Arbors & Cover Bridge Antique County Store Scriptures Throughout the Garden Many Unique Plants & Trees
"A church member waiting to be asked to serve in his own church is just like the member of a family waiting to be invited to pull weeds in front of the house where he lives."
MY NEW VOICEMAIL MESSAGE "I have e-mail, a pager, a cell phone, a fax line. I've got an answering machine, three phone lines at home, one on my person, and a phone in my car. The only excuse I have if I don't return your call is I just don't like you." WILL IT BE LONG? Maury and his wife showed up to a very popular restaurant, but it was very crowded. Mrs. Maury went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess appeared to ignore her and kept writing in her book. So she asked again, "How much of a wait?" The hostess then looked up and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later they heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, "Willete B. Long, your table is ready."
This town is so small . . .
The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell. - Main Street, which is one block long, dead ends in both directions. - McDonalds only has one Golden Arch. - The phone book has only one page. - The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2. - The New Year's baby was born in October. - The ZIP code is a fraction. - The city limits signs are both on the same post. - Second Street is in the next town over. - There's no place to go that you shouldn't. - A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes. - The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog. -
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
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May 1st - May 31st
See Registration Form for Details
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OZARK Tire & Service 774-1416 453 South Union Ave. Ozark, AL.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
Wiregrass Edition Parrish Publishing P.O. BOX 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603
Roger Parrish, StreetTalkAmerica@gmail.com 10,000 to 12,000 copies of STA are printed each month and distributed free in Dale and Coffee counties at high traffic business locations. Copies are also available by subscription. Street Talk America is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Street Talk America do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. STA is not the author of many of the jokes or articles contained herein and claims no copyright privileges to those that we didn’t author unless noted. The jokes contained herein are not known to be copyrighted and are believed to be part of the public domain. Every effort is made not to use copyrighted material without the author’s consent. To report an improper use of a copyrighted joke please contact Parrish Publishing and we will take the appropriate steps.
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STREET TALK AMERICA
FOLLOW LABEL INSTRUCTIONS According to the KnightRidder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds, has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from a camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Shoplifter Arrested in Georgia * Augusta , GA * Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia , told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a
Issue 33 May 2011
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laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door. Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe. After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. "The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw... injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine."
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
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"Patient Confession" Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months. Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?" "Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now.
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Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful." "Is that really your name?" I asked her. "No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."
Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
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Wonderful! Marvelous! Gorgeous Home With 7 Acres Of Land That Includes A 2 Acre Private Lake. The Master Suite Includes A Perfect Lounging Area, Dressing Area, His/her Sinks/vanity. The Kitchen Is A Great Open Area That The Chef Will Love. Screened Porch
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Changing Needs As we grow older, what once may have been considered a luxury can become a necessity. In their list of “basic needs,” more than half of baby boomers include an Internet connection, special occasion gifts, and pet care. Many baby boomers
would add family vacations, dining out, professional haircuts/coloring, movies, and their children’s or grandchildren’s education to the list of basic needs.3 And for 98% of baby boomers, health-care coverage is not a luxury but a basic need, one that they are extremely concerned about being able to afford.4 To prepare for a retirement that you can truly look forward to, consider the luxuries that your retirement-needs calculation may not account for. It could mean the difference between living well and just getting by. Contact the Retirement Team today at mysoutherngroup.com or 334.699.4036 for a free Retirement audit. Southern Financial Group is an independent firm with securities offered through Summit Brokerage Services, Inc., Member FINRA, SIPC. Advisory services offered through Summit Financial Group, Inc., a Registered Investment Advisor. SOURCES: 1) CNNMoney, October 8, 2009 2, 3) MarketWatch, August 6, 2010 4) Society for Human Resource Management, 2010
THE ROAD TO SUCCESS IS ALWAYS UNDER CONSTRUCTION
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
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SORRY FOR THE DELAY A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."
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STREET TALK AMERICA
"Unique Breakfast" Stopping at a restaurant advertising a "Unique Breakfast," a man asked the waitress what this was, and was told, "Baked chicken tongue." "That's disgusting!" the man said. "I'd never eat something that came out of a chicken's mouth." "What would you like then?" the waitress asked. "Oh, just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
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NOW OPEN IN OZARK
IF THE SUIT FITS, BUY IT! Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. " Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"
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Umpires A minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only." As he was about to go in, however, he noticed something else below the sign: the same message ... written in Braille.
Lifetime Guarantee The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll shoot you." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
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The Ranger asked a local to translated his message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
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STREET TALK AMERICA
"Tell the Secret" A woman named Vicki once knew a young
person at church named Betty. Betty always seemed effervescent and happy, although Vicki knew she had faced struggles in her life. Her long-awaited marriage had quickly ended in divorce. She had struggled to get a grip on her single life. She hadn't chosen it, but she decided she would live it with utmost enjoyment and satisfaction. Betty was active in Sunday school, in the choir, as a leader of the junior high girls' group, and in the church renewal movement. Vicki enjoyed knowing Betty. Betty's whole face seemed to smile. One day Vicki asked Betty, "How is it that you are always so happy, you have so much energy, and you never seem to get down?" With her eyes smiling, Betty said, "I know the Secret!" "What secret is that, what are you talking about?" Vicki asked. Betty replied, "I'll tell you all about it, but you have to promise to share the Secret with others." Vicki agreed, "Okay, now what is it?" The Secret is this: "I have learned there is little I can do in my life that will make me truly happy. I must depend on God to make me happy and meet my needs. When a need arises in my life, I have to trust God to supply according to HIS riches. I have learned most of the time I don't need half of what I think I do. HE has never let me down. Since I learned that Secret I am happy." Vicki's first thought was, That's too simple! But upon reflecting over her own life she recalled how she thought a bigger house would make her happy - but it didn't! She thought a better-paying job would make her happy - but it hadn't. When did she realize her greatest happiness? Sitting on the floor with her grandchildren, playing games, eating pizza or reading a story, a simple gift from God. Betty knew the secret, Vicki learned the secret, and now you know it too! We can't depend on people to make us happy. Only GOD in His wisdom can do that. Trust HIM! And now I pass the Secret on to you!
Issue 33 May 2011
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STREET TALK AMERICA
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(by Arthur Gordon) This morning our cat Oreo (so named because he is a handsome black-and-white), and I went through a familiar ritual at the back door. Oreo had been outside for a while and began meowing because he wanted to come in. I opened the door and waited, but he did not come in! He stopped and lowered his head suspiciously, as if I were a deadly enemy. "Come on, Oreo," I said impatiently. He sat down thoughtfully and began to wash his face. "Oreo," I said, "I give you food, and I supply all your needs. If you do anything in return, I don't know what it is.. Now I'm personally inviting you into my home. Please come in." Oreo put one foot across the threshold, then drew it back. He turned to look out across the yard with some remote, unfathomable expression, and he didn't come in. "Oreo," I said, "I'm not going to stand here forever. If you don't come in, I'm going to close this door. This is your last chance!" I started to slowly close the door. Did he come in? No, he sat there exercising his free will or something. He'd come in when it suited him and not before. He figured I'd be patient. So far, he's always been right. God made cats, He also made people. I wonder how He feels when He stands at the door and waits ... and waits ...and waits I think I know.
Dream Big! We have hidden these four bird houses in ads throughout this edition of STA.
For a chance to Win $100 in Prizes Find all 4 bird houses & FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS. Submit the name of the 4 business’ where you found the 4 bird houses , along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361 Or email same to streettalkamerica@gmail.com with the subject line “Bird Houses”. NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on May 20th The winner will be notified by phone or email.
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement!
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STREET TALK AMERICA
"Overdue at the Movies" Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby. Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby. When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
Marine Biology Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it on the nose as hard as possible." "If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Aunt T’s Kitchen English Pea Salad 1 17-ounce can peas or 2 cups cooked peas 1 cup cheddar cheese, cubed 2 hard-boiled eggs, chopped 1/4 cup celery, chopped 2 tablespoons onion, chopped 2 tablespoons pimento, chopped 1/3 cup mayonnaise or salad dressing 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon bottled hot pepper sauce 1/8 teaspoon pepper 6 medium tomatoes Lettuce leaves Thoroughly drain the canned peas or cooked peas. In a large bowl combine peas, cheese cubes, hard-boiled egg, celery, onion and pimento. Combine mayonnaise, salt, hot pepper sauce and pepper. Add to pea mixture; toss to combine. Cover and refrigerate several hours or overnight. Stir mixture well. Cut each tomato into 8 wedges, cutting to but not through, bottom of tomato. On salad plates place tomatoes atop lettuce leaves; fill with pea mixture.
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English Peas New Potatoes & Peas in Cheddar Sauce 12 small red-skinned new potatoes, scrubbed and cut in 1-inch pieces (7 cups) 3 cups chicken broth 2 tablespoons butter 2 tablespoons all purpose flour 2 teaspoons dry mustard 1/8 teaspoon ground red pepper 1 teaspoon salt 1 cup milk 2 cups frozen petite green peas 1 cup cheddar cheese, shredded
Bring potatoes and chicken broth to a boil in a 3-quart saucepan. Cover, reduce heat and simmer 15-20 minutes until firm-tender. Drain, reserving 1 cup broth for the sauce. Cheese sauce: melt butter in the same saucepan. Add flour, dry mustard, red pepper and salt, whisk over low heat until smooth and frothy. Let mixture bubble about 3 minutes, stirring often to prevent browning. Gradually whisk in the reserved 1 cup broth and the milk. Increase heat to medium and whisk 2-3 minutes, until simmering and thickened. To assemble: add frozen peas to sauce and bring to a simmer, stirring often. Add potatoes and stir gently to coat. Reduce heat to medium-low. Cover and heat 5 minutes, stirring until heated through. Remove from heat and stir in cheese. Cooked fresh peas can be substituted for frozen peas; reduce stirring. Serves 6.
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STREET TALK AMERICA
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English Peas In a large bowl, combine peas, peanuts, celery, bacon and onions. In a small bowl, combine mayonnaise and Italian dressing. Pour over salad, toss to coat. Chill until serving.
English Pea Casserole Creole Peas 2 cans English peas 1/2 cup celery, chopped 1/2 cup onion, chopped 1/2 cup bell pepper, chopped 1 cup catsup 1 stick butter
SautĂŠ celery, onion and bell pepper in butter until tender; add drained peas and catsup. Simmer 10 minutes more. Yield: 6-8 servings.
1 can English peas, drained 1/2 cup cheese, grated 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce 1 can cream of chicken soup 1/2 cup pecans, chopped
Mix English peas with soup, cheese, pecans and Worcestershire sauce. Pour into casserole dish and top with Ritz cracker crumbs. Add a pat of butter, bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes. Serve hot.
English Pea/Peanut Salad 1 10-ounce package frozen English peas, thawed 1 cup dry roasted peanuts 1 cup celery, chopped 6 bacon strips, cooked and crumbed 1/4 cup red onion, chopped 1/2 cup mayonnaise 1/4 cup prepared zesty Italian salad dressing
Holy Cow Bakery And Coffee Shop
124 N. Court Sq. Ozark 774-7900 YOU CAN NOW READ STREET TALK AMERICA ONLINE AT WWW.STREETTALK.CO SUBSCRIBE FREE TODAY
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STREET TALK AMERICA
FISHING DEFINITIONS HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life's savings on fishing supplies. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after she learns what he spent their life's savings on. (Usually accompanied by word "right" or "left.") LINE - Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went. LURE - An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman's equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose. REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard. ROD - An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish. TACKLE - What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard. TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one. TEST - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity when
trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.
Slocomb, Al.
Over 35 Years Experience
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Issue 33 May 2011
PAGE 16
SMILES FROM THE BIBLE Q. WHAT KIND OF MAN WAS BOAZ BEFORE HE MARRIED? A. RUTHLESS Q. WHAT DO THEY CALL PASTORS IN GERMANY? A. GERMAN SHEPHERDS Q. WHO WAS THE GREATEST FINANCIER IN THE BIBLE? A. NOAH. HE WAS FLOATING HIS STOCK WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIQUIDATING Q. WHO WAS THE GREATEST FEMALE FINANCIER IN THE BIBLE? A. PHARAOH'S DAUGHTER. SHE WENT DOWN TO THE BANK OF THE NILE AND DREW OUT A LITTLE PROPHET Q. WHAT KIND OF MOTOR VEHICLES ARE IN THE BIBLE? A. JEHOVAH DROVE ADAM AND EVE OUT OF THE GARDEN IN A FURY. DAVID'S TRIUMPH WAS HEARD THROUGH THE LAND ALSO A HONDA, BECAUSE THE APOSTLES WERE ALL IN ONE ACCORD. Q. WHO WAS THE GREATEST COMEDIAN IN THE BIBLE? A. SAMSON. HE BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN Q. WHAT EXCUSE DID ADAM GIVE TO HIS CHILDREN AS TO WHY HE NO LONGER LIVED IN EDEN? A. YOUR MOTHER ATE US OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME. Q. WHICH SERVANT OF GOD WAS THE MOST FLAGRANT LAWBREAKER IN THE BIBLE? A. MOSES. HE BROKE ALL 10 COMMANDMENTS AT ONCE Q. WHICH AREA OF PALESTINE WAS ESPECIALLY WEALTHY? A. THE AREA AROUND JORDAN. THE BANKS WERE ALWAYS OVER FLOWING. Q. WHO IS THE GREASTEST BABY SITTER MENTIONED IN THE BIBLE? A. DAVID. HE ROCKED GOLIATH TO A DEEP SLEEP. Q. WHICH BIBLE CHARACTER HAD NO PARENTS? A. JOSHUA, SON OF NUN Q. WHY DIDN'T THEY PLAY CARDS ON THE ARK? A. BECAUSE NOAH WAS STANDING ON THE DECK Q. WHERE IN THE BIBLE DOES IT SPEAK OF A WOMAN SMOKING? A. GENESIS 24:64 "AND WHEN REBEKAH LIFTED UP HER EYES, AND WHEN SHE SAW ISSAC, SHE LIGHTED OFF THE CAMEL Q. WHAT IS THE DOG'S NAME THAT LICKED LAZARUS SORES? A. MOREOVER. LUKE 16:12 MOVEOVER THE DOGS CAME AND LICKED HIS SORES.Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
PAGE 17
EMPLOYEE AND BOSS Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, proactiveness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Secure The Building One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
PAGE 18
Logan's Cleaners Alterations
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Fresh Spring Vegetables
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220 W. Malvern Hwy Malvern, Alabama 334-793-6690
Solution Page 20 EVER WONDER?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" - Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? - If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? - Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane? - Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
"When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate."
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
PAGE 19
Proven ways to get along better with EVERYONE: 1. Before you say anything to anyone, ask yourself 3 things: - Is it true? - Is it kind? - Is it necessary? 2. Make promises sparingly and keep them faithfully. 3. Never miss the opportunity to compliment or say something encouraging to someone. 4. Refuse to talk negatively about others; don't gossip and don't listen to gossip. 5. Have a forgiving view of people. Believe that most people are doing the best they can. 6. Keep an open mind; discuss, but don't argue. (It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable.) 7. Forget about counting to 10. Count to 1,000 before doing or saying anything that could make matters worse. 8. Let your virtues speak for themselves. 9. If someone criticizes you, see if there is any TRUTH to what he is saying; if so, make changes. If there is no truth to the criticism, ignore it and live so that no one will believe the negative remark. 10. Cultivate your sense of humor; laughter is the shortest distance between two people. 11. Do not seek so much to be consoled, as to console; do not seek so much to be understood, as to understand; do not seek so much to be loved as to love.
"A procrastinator's work is never done." "Little Benjamin" Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working. "Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked. "But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom. "Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"
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STREET TALK AMERICA
LOGANS DRY CLEANERS & LAUNDRY
MON. - FRI. 6 - 5 SAT. 6 - 12 618 SOUTH UNION AVENUE OZARK
774-8012 Visit loganscleaners on OZARK
Tire & Service
Issue 33 May 2011
PAGE 20
I’m Thirsty Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood." The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it." So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth. "You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat. "You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood. "Yeah, I think I do!" "Well, I didn't."
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STREET TALK AMERICA
STREET TALK SUBSCRIPTION Give The Gift of Lifts & Laughs!
Give Street Talk America Great for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Out of Area Friends, or Yourself. Only $30.00 per year 12 Issues Delivered 1st Class Mail Send name, address & check to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36360
Issue 33 May 2011 PAGE 21 Congratulations to Katrina Faulk of Skipperville for winning the “Easter Egg Hunt” Contest in the April edition of STA. Katrina is married to Greg Faulk
and has 2 children Davey 14 and Maegan 10, and owns Clickin Away Photography. Katrina won a Free Lunch from DeSantos Mexican Restaurant in Enterprise, Lunch for two at Pa’s Oyster Bar and Grill in Ozark, Free admission for four worth $32 to Pat’s Secret Garden in Ozark, A Free deluxe oil change, tire balance and rotation worth over $45 from L&M tires in Enterprise, $25 Free Cleaning from Logan’s Cleaners in Ozark, Free admission for 2 adults and 2 children worth $28 to McClelland Zoo Critters in Banks and Two Adult-Adolescent Parenting Inventory (Skills Evaluation) worth $50 from Counseling Plus in Ozark. I thank all the many individuals and families who entered this month. We thank God for our readers and give Him all the credit. We also thank the faithful advertisers. If it wasn’t for the advertisers, STA would not be possible, so say a prayer for them. They are hard working small town business owners; many of them are your friends and neighbors. Be sure to tell them that you appreciate them advertising in STA.
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
CLUES ACROSS
FUN JOB ! Parrish Publishing, publisher of the Wiregrass Edition of Street Talk America PO Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 is looking to expand into Troy, Andalusia, Eufaula, Dothan and Montgomery. Street Talk America is a loved and respected family magazine. We offer the right individuals an opportunity to earn HIGH COMMISSIONS Sales experience a plus. Mail your resume or contact Information to address above or Email to StreetTalkAmerica@gmail.com
1. Wound seriously 5. Record 9. Earnestly entreat 12. Dwarf buffalo 13. Manilla sea catfish genus 15. Picasso's mistress 16. Chinese dynasty 17. Wet spongy ground 18. Wax glazed finish fabric 19. Diego or Francisco 20. In an implied way 22. Outward flow of the tide 25. Writer of poems 26. Stalks of a moss capsule 28. Electromotive force 29. "Phyllis" production Co. (abbr.) 32. Adult male human 33. Finnish island studded lake 35. Coach Parseghian 36. Helps little firms 37. 3rd largest Balearic Island 39. Disk to convert circular into linear motion 40. Old world, new 41. Acid from oil 43. Health Maintenance Organization 44. Cathode-ray tube 45. Brew 46. Nostrils 48. A female domestic 49. S. W. Shoshonean 50. Social deportment 54. A rubberized raincoat 57. Olive genus 58. About ohms 62. Wild goat with backward curved horns 64. Sharp point projecting backwards 65. Approaches 66. Indian frock 67. Search engine friendly 68. Description of design criteria 69. Pickerel genus
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CLUES DOWN 1. Another word for mother 2. Cuckoos 3. New Rochelle, NY college 4. Attracts iron 5. River obstruction 6. Militant N. Ireland organization 7. Title of respect 8. Make to specifications 9. Food on a fish hook 10. Br. peer above a viscount 11. Western author Zane ___ 14. Allied H.Q. 15. Defunct phone company 21. Connecticut 23. NY Times political writer Matt 24. Bolivian river 25. Endangered 26. Heavy cavalry sword 27. Make into law 29. Papier-__, art material 30. Streetcars 31. Extinct black honeycreepers 32. Millisecond 34. Gets rid of 38. Indigenous race in Hokkaido 42. Feline mammal 45. Moses' older brother 47. Relinquish a claim to 48. Of I 50. Disorderly crowds 51. Wings 52. Ball for safe indoor play 53. Snatch 55. Arabian outer garments 56. Scomberomorus regalis 59. A diagram of the Earth's surface 60. Anger 61. Reciprocal of a sine 63. Nineteen
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STREET TALK AMERICA
The Times of P.L. (Pea Likker) Mcpherson No Booze Here My daddy would not allow booze of any kind in his house. Whether man or woman, if he suspected anything, he would stop them at the door and just tell them they could not come in. I was very blessed in that way protected from the sorrows of alcoholism that many people have to deal with throughout their lifetime. I felt sorry for a cousin once, who was staying with us temporarily to work at a local job. I don’t think he understood the rules until my dad explained them. He went out on Saturday night after working all day, and drank a few beers. When he came in, Daddy met him at the door and with a loud voice told him he couldn’t come in and to go somewhere else. The only exception was an uncle, my mother’s brother, who loved his drink. He was not only my mother’s brother, but his wife was my daddy’s sister. I won’t get into the fact that there were two brothers and one sister, married to two sisters and one brother. I know it is confusing but apparently, they all lived nearby each other with no other neighbors. This resulted in thirteen double first cousins. Sometimes it was hard to tell if a double first cousin was an actual cousin, a sister, or a brother, because when we were young, we were a very close family, lived near each other, and visited often. Now, I don’t know if it was because of my uncle’s relation to my mother, or the fact that he was extremely funny when he was drunk, but I do remember an occasional entry into the house, though he was high as a Georgia pine. You could hear him coming, walking up the road to the house, (he never had a car) usually singing some old song (he made up), such as "Don’t Mr. Johnson, don’t, don’t, don’t Mr. Johnson don’t". Another was "Turkey in the hay, turkey in the straw, if I don’t get one nobody won’t". While his songs never made a lick of sense, he would sing them as loud as he could.
Issue 33 May 2011 PAGE 23 Daddy would say, "oh, oh, here comes uncle (I won’t say his name), he is drunk again. You kids go outside and stay out of his way." While he died young from the effects of booze, several things he did are still talked about in family circles, especially by my older brother who loved him greatly, and seemed to idolize him, even today. One story told is about a five-gallon glass jug full of moonshine liquor that went missing from a certain neighbor’s barn. It was common knowledge that the certain neighbor operated a still, and would bring the "sweet Lucy" to his barn where he would divide and sell it in small portions to those who needed a pick-me-up. Now the certain neighbor was very distraught when the moonshine went missing. After-all, it was probably his stock for the weekend sale. Although he had an idea who took it, he could not really be sure, and definitely didn’t want to report it as stolen, so he privately asked through the neighborhood, including my uncle, if he had seen it. My uncle said, "Gosh no chummy, but if I do see it, or hear who took it, I will be sure to let you know." The whole time it was hidden on my uncle’s back porch. How he walked and carried a five-gallon glass jug of shine down a public road, at least a mile to his house in broad daylight, is still a mystery. His son had a tomcat that stayed in the house, and one cold night my uncle was patching a hole in his overalls by the fire when he spotted the cat. For reasons, only he knew, he instructed his son to bring him the cat, and even though his son pleaded with him and even begged him not to do it, he very methodically succeeded in sewing the cats’ ears together. Although his hands and arms were scratched nearly to the bone and bleeding, he felt the old cat had it coming. Toothache pains no problem. He would take a small string and tie one end around the tooth that hurt, and the other to a tree. Then by simply snatching his head backward would remove the tooth. Much like the story of the old raccoon with one leg caught in a steel trap that ate off three legs trying to get loose but was still hung, my uncle in his drunken condition, wouldn’t know exactly which tooth hurt, and would snatch the wrong one. I remember him having very few teeth. I am grateful each day for what I was taught at a young age. With time I have learned that when you live life by a particular rule, what others choose to do around you will have no rule, and if I do not judge them for things they do, though I may think they are wrong, perhaps I too will not be judged for wrong things I do, which I think is right.
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STREET TALK AMERICA
Issue 33 May 2011
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First National Bank Of Hartford Online Banking www.fnbhartford..com
“Serving this fine community since 1905”
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1519 Andrews Ave. Ozark, Alabama
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