Sentinel april 2011

St. Luke’s School

377 North Wilton Road - New Canaan, CT - 06840

April, 2011

TV on the Hilltop Jenna Decatur Co-Editor

Courtsey of Ms. Nelson The Center for Occasional Use By a Couple Teachers is set to launch next fall

Excitement for Exams

Caroline Hopkins Staff Writer

The final verdict on the March Exams? “They were awesome!” rave SLS high-schoolers, who claim they are sad to bid adieu to the late night dates with their textbooks and long hours spent camped out at their public libraries. With exams over so soon, students say they feel purposeless- vagabonds wandering from class to class, having lost that “light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel” feeling once provided by the prospect of final exams. Students shake their heads with nostalgia as they recall the glorious March exams. The course of the week was said to have been “too good to be true,” - the only complaint being that the testing was simply over all too soon.

A certain AP US history student, solemnly brushing a tear from her cheek, says of the exam, “I only wish there were more multiple choice questions. Fifty just wasn’t enough!” Honors Physics and Chemistry students claim their testing experience was the most fun they’ve had all year; they just couldn’t stop grinning as they worked through one thrilling equation after another. After the Wednesday Morning English exams, , students were allegedly seen flexing their cramped fingers with pride, claiming to have doubled their hand strength with each completed essay.

Finishing exams this early in the spring, however, has left students with a vacuum of boredom that they simply can’t seem to fill. “I’ve tried everything!” one distressed student laments, “extra hours of Facebook stalking, subscribing to Netflix, -even reading for pleasure!” In the end, though, it seems evident: nothing in the world can replace that familiar feeling of caffeine- fueled adrenaline just past midnight- textbook in one hand and graphing calculator in the other.

Although students are sad to see the highlight of their years completed so early on, it is widely agreed that there couldn’t have been a better spring break send off.

The Friday morning history exam in particular really put students in that stress-free vacation mood. “If only there was a way for us to have March exams and finals,” students longingly yearn. “Teachers don’t want the extra burden of grading yet another exam, but they’re just so selfish! Have they ever thought about what we want?” Luckily for you AP students out there, those glorious May exams are still to come. As for the rest of you, however, I suppose all that are left of the March exam experience are those fond, fond memories. Start crossing off those days, SLS- Only a year left until next year’s exams!

Breaking news on the Hilltop! The TV in the Student Commons has been turned on! I repeat, turned on!

The student body’s reaction to this was an overwhelming success, and I think it’s safe to say everyone’s been flocking.

However, the buzz seemed to instantly die down when word got out that SLS would only be showing the news. Kids no longer flocked, in hope that it would one day change to MTV or perhaps even Disney Channel if we were lucky. It has been confirmed that SLS will promote world news only.

I think it’s safe to say the kids are outraged. I even caught some tiny 5th graders standing on one another’s shoulders in an attempt to reach the TV and change the channel to something less intellectual. Ms. Parker-Burgard broke up the attempt with her now worn-in knowledge stick.

The Sentinel took to the street to get the scoop on the student opinion. One student – who refuses to be named- told the Sentinel: “They put on CNN. It was so scary. I looked away as quickly as I could but I’m afraid that I may just be a little smarter now. How will I continue to fit into Fairfield County knowing that there are people out there who can’t even afford to lease a Lexus?”

The Commons used to be a place for students to spend their free periods wasting time. Now, to many students, it isn’t the same anymore. Sophomores have sent in complaints to the administration asking them to turn the TV off again. One student pleaded: “How am I suppose to ignore my homework and flirt with girls when I know that radiation is gushing out of Japan and potentially risking my family and livelihood. It’s an awful feeling.”

The long-term effects of keeping the TV on could be disastrous. Kids could actually start doing their homework in anticipation of entering a rough work environment. Furthermore, some kids will inevitably begin to verbally and physically threaten one another as they begin to debate politics and world events.

In its current state, is the TV good for the St. Luke’s community? All signs point to no.

Inside this issue...

Lacrosse Season at Risk

Day In the Life: Kimin

SLS PDA

2

April 2011

China Syndrome Theodor Trampe Editor-In-Chief

While some were resting over spring break, a group of St. Luke’s students and teachers packed their bags and headed off to the mystical land of China. The trip was expected to be a fun filled journey akin to a day trip to New York’s renowned Chinatown District

Chinatown is known for delicious Asian delicacies such as General Tso’s chicken and Wonton Soup. One St. Luke’s student reported his feeling about the district as follows: “Sure it’s a little gritty and there are a lot of people moving about. But its always fun to shop around and try new foods and still catch the 5:04 train home for dinner.” This opinion seemed to be the general consensus of the people going on the China trip.

HILLTOP NEWS Kimin Adopted Nikki Bennett-Fite Media Editor

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Kimin McCaffery, he is our resident Australian exchange student. Kimin was supposed to attend St. Luke’s for the entire 2010-2011 school year, but in light of recent events it looks like his SLS career might be cut short. In a never ending attempt to create the perfect multicultural family, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have expressed interest in adopting our very own Malaysian-Australian, Kimin!

However, this news comes at a surprising time, as the JoliePitts recently told the press that they were not going to adopt any more minorities in the near future. In response, the couple had this to say, “With Kimin it’s different: He’s something special.” I know I speak for all of us when I say that the union of Kimin and the Jolie-Pitts would be magical. No word yet on the legalities.

Clock Chaos

It all changed on their return to school this past Monday. The students and teachers came in with sunken eyes and varying degrees of throat and lung irritation.

Apparently, China wasn’t as glamorous as it was described to them or appeared in pictures. One student shed tears as he explained the past two weeks of hardship he had to endure: “I just wanted to relax and enjoy myself --maybe snap a few pics and buy some cheap Chinese stuff. Instead, they took us out insanely early every day and had us taste “cultural food” and visit national landmarks – what a bummer! Then they made us eat yak, duck tongue, frog, and pigeon – not my idea of a good time.”

Several travelers were traumatized when they nearly fell into an open manhole in Tibet, and it became rather tiresome when they were strip-searched at every airport.

Jenna Decatur Co-Editor

Chaos struck the St. Luke’s community today between A and B period, as the multicultural clocks seem to have stopped for a solid 2 minutes. (AHH!) These clocks have been widely ridiculed, students have asked, “what is their purpose?”. As we found out today, however, they are of profound importance.

When the clocks stopped, the entire countries of Argentina, France and China also stopped! Who knew St. Luke’s had such control over the world at large. Locally, the experience was quite jarring. The freshmen quickly fell into a state of anxiety, 5th graders got lost on their way to class, and teachers just didn’t even know what to do with themselves. One student even swears he saw a polar bear walk by. Thankfully, the 2 minutes passed and we all continued with our daily routine…just slightly more frazzled than usual.

Student Knows Fact Theodor Trampe Editor-in-Chief

Faculty advisor Mr. Flachsbart corroborated these views. When asked about the food, Flachs reported, “I thought we were going to have lo mein everyday, but instead we had fungus and scorpions on a stick.” When asked about the atmosphere of one of the greatest cities in the world, Shanghai, Flachs got all worked up and replied, “The air was so polluted I could barely inhale and I’m used to inhaling some pretty bad stuff in the boys’ room here.

Oh! Also, you can forget about walking. No matter where you go you always bump into at least six people or get swept up by the platoons of elderly street cleaners. I’m pretty sure the government hires people to walk around and look busy!”

Continued on page 5...

At a recent town meeting, Kevin Quindlen gave his usual fact to end the session. Josh Levion proudly announced that he had in fact already known the offered tidbit of information.

Levion first told his friends about it and they responded with sincere responses such as “ok” and “that’s cool Josh”. Josh felt validated by his friends; however, this was not enough.

Josh proceded to let everyone in his following class known that he had learned about the size of blue whales in a 5th grade biology class. A bystander reported: “He came into class with this broad smile on his face. I mean we humored him, but was he really oblivious to the fact that most of us had forgotten the fact at that point?”

Josh went about the rest of his day normally and analysts suspect that he too has forgotten about the fact in question by now.

The Sentinel Staff Editor in Chief Theodor Trampe Co-Editor Jenna Decatur Sports Editor Henry Clayton Arts Editor Ben Klein Media Editor Nikki Bennett-Fite Staff Writers Maria Carlucci Sebastian Bates Caroline Hopkins Lily Holland Andrew Walker Contributing Writers Ethan Pearce Julianne Wilson Caroline Chadwick Charlie Schlinkert Contributing Photographers The Internet Sentinel Staff Faculty Advisor Mr. Flachsbart

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April 2011

3

HILLTOP NEWS Gluten Free Flavors Julianne Wilson Contributing Writer

Each day Flik’s gluten-free alternatives sit in the cafeteria, eyeing the few, brave souls willing to put their taste buds (and souls) to the test. However, time and time again, discolored paninis and hamburgers have won the battle for the hearts of the St. Luke’s community. Lunchperiod after lunch-period, the gluten-free food remained as unappreciated as a pair of socks on Christmas morning. In fact, in November 2010, Flik had reportedly only served 1/900th of the gluten-free options prepared. According to an anonymous source, it was this data that prompted Flik’s unnoted menu change.

After numerous taste tests, interviews, and bimolecular studies, it has been discovered that Flik’s “gluten free” options, are anything but. Flik has stopped receiving shipments of gluten-free options, in an attempt to cut down on food costs. Following the Environmental Club’s “Go Green” initiative, Flik decided to stop throwing out overcooked food, and instead, serving it as a gluten free option. “We figured that by making our ‘gluten free foods’ as unappetizing as possible, no one would notice that it was just improperly cooked food”.

Top of the Hilltop Movie: Spiderman: 8 Album: West Side Story Soundtrack TV Show: Gammil’s Fishing Hour Sport: Squash

Secret Lives of the Admin. Angry Penguins Flood SLS Ben Klein Arts Editor

At approximately six o’clock PM, once the student body has left the premises, a meeting is called at St. Lukes preparatory school. This meeting is regarding the proposed “Center For Leadership” to be built in time for the following school year. Invitations are sent out to all of the high-ranking members of the SLS administration and read: 6:00 PM – wear black – library

At 6:05, the doors are sealed and the conversation begins. Dressed in black hooded robes, the faculty members participate in a solemn roll-call, making sure that each department head is present. Candles are lit and the meeting is opened with the ceremonious sacrifice of a 5th grader.

The first matter of business brought forth is the discussion of a new food service. This topic is promptly quashed as everyone agrees that Flik’s paninis are satisfactory. Next up is the renewal of teacher contracts.

In a decisive vote it is determined that all teachers will be fired and replaced with Smart Boards.

Finally, it is time for the main event. The headmaster rings a metallic sounding bell, signifying that it is time for the Center For Leadership conversation. The plan is clear, the Center will be vaguely described to students as a place for learning key skills and leadership techniques.

However, upon arrival students would be forced into hours of manual labor creating brand name shoes for companies such as Reebok and Nike. In low light conditions, students would learn such key skills as welding and needle threading. Leadership Sessions will run for approximately eight hours, with a five-minute break every four hours. A motivational campaign is designed, complete with a poster

Song: P.I.M.P - 50 Cent Videogame: Pokemon: Dark Ruby Emerald Celebrity: Dr. Haynes Event: College Rejection Season College: Bucknell Drink: Passionfruit Smoothie Accomplishment: Curb Parking Word: Bruins Student Car: Chaddy-Mobile

????

Staff Writer

In an odd turn of events, a group of rabid penguins have been spotted roaming throughout the halls of St. Lukes. They have been seen traveling in packs of four or five, generally terrorizing students. The origin of the penguins in unknown, but it is clear that they won’t be leaving any time soon.

I was denied an interview with the penguin leader but I have been assured that he is a most fair and gracious penguin. This episode could certainly escalate if any St. Lukes students take matters into their own hands.

The administration has warned students to steer clear of the penguins and avoid confrontation at all costs. Dan Kagan, an 11th grade student has been quoted as saying “They’re ruthless, I honestly fear for my life”. Hopefully the custodial staff will resolve this matter shortly.

No Excuses at SLS ????

Staff Writer

For the past few years here at St. Luke’s, a large portion of student complaints have been directed towards the infamous school dress code. However, the system hit an all-time low when, yesterday, a starving, homeless child of approximately 8 years of age managed to crawl, wearing only an oversized torn leather jacket, into the entrance of St. Luke’s School. The child moaned of pain and begged for food upon entry, but was instead immediately reprimanded for his dress code violation and swiftly given a Saturday detention.

Various teachers were available for comment: “I mean, yeah, he’s starving and all, and that’s sad,” quipped one, “but no belt? Come on. You’ve GOT to be kidding me.” “I’ll admit, it’s a nice leather jacket,” said another, “but I see no St. Luke’s logo on there. Show some spirit, and maybe we’ll give you a panini in return.” The child was unavailable for comment.

Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good

featuring teddybears (in order to lure in the freshman). The Center is unanimously praised for it’s profit potential and flawless design.

The meeting is closed. The members of the committee slowly remove their cloaks and extinguish the candles. The library goes dark.

Maria’s False Facts Theodor Trampe Editor-In-Chief

On Monday, the New Canaan police department sent three armed officers and a canine unit into St. Luke’s in order to apprehend Maria Carlucci. After a complete lockdown of the school, Ms. Carlucci was easily apprehended in the student commons. No shots were fired and no injuries were reported

Early Tuesday, the police issued a statement regarding the arrest. Maria had been arrested over alleged creation of false facts and wacky laws in the Sentinel. The police stated that they take these kinds of activities very seriously and would be seeking the maximum punishment possible. Police chief Reynolds further spoke about how those comments about police in general, “weren’t very cool”

Maria was released on a $50,000 bond and the promise to no longer create heinous facts. She is expected to return to school Friday until the trial is underway.

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April 2011

HILLTOP NEWS Lax: Lack of Flow Henry Clayton Sports Editor

Snow is finally beginning to melt around the perimeters of Watson Field. The sun is starting to shine over the hilltop more than ever, and the birds have sprung up to sing their songs with joy and glee. Sales at Lacrosse Unlimited are skyrocketing as young kids all across Fairfield County flock by the dozens in search of their Wonderboy shafts, their goofy-looking “Druken Monkey” shorts, their sweet pinnies, and their socks that rise to the perfect length, just kissing the sweet spot located roughly below the middle area of the calf. Yes, it is lacrosse season once again. Over the past few weeks, I have managed to watch a few bits and pieces of preseason lax practice. I’ve watched them take the field and begin their methodical routine of passing, shooting and stick handling drills, defensive drills, offensive drills, scrimmages, and whatever else they do. Nevertheless, as usual, I couldn’t tell you one thing about what kind of offensive or defensive strategy they’re working on, who’s playing what position, etc. I haven’t the slightest clue of how they might do this year, either. Because frankly, just like every year, all eyes are on the flow. St. Luke’s students, parents, and faculty alike are absolutely dying to catch a glimpse of what kind of luscious lettuce will be cascading from the back of the players’ buckets this year.

That’s right, buzz cuts. Whatever the motive in this was is completely beyond me, but I can assure you that it can only lead to disastrous results. A complete lack of effort on both parts, this move is certainly not helping the program get back up to speed.

A few players such as Tim Verklin and Jack Henson have reportedly been incorporating an increase in their helmet tilt in hopes of boosting swag; however, I’m afraid such minor alterations will not be enough to make up for such a drastic flow deficit.

When I asked sophomore Mack Dowling in a recent onfield interview why he didn’t have the biscuits to let it rage, he responded, “Bro… just chill.”

Well, I guess we’ll all have to wait and see where this dire situation takes us this season. In the meantime if you come across any convincing wigs or happen to have a gorgeous head of hair yourself, it would be in everyone’s best interest for you to contact the lacrosse team immediately.

PDA Invades SLS Lily Holland Staff Writer

This year, after extensive investigation, I have the grave misfortune of reporting an undeniable, unmistakable, and disturbing lack of flow from the SLS Lacrosse Team.

Anyone who’s seen a lacrosse game in his life knows that flow is one of the most, if not the most, important aspects of a successful team. Flow comes in all different lengths, colors, and varying levels of curliness. Some players go with a regular perm while others choose to go au naturale.

Any way you slice it, flow is totally gnarly. And a lack of flow this blatant only spells trouble for the Storm laxers.

Needless to say, the entire St. Luke’s community is at a loss.

“I was expecting more out of Greg Sellhausen,” said a disgruntled fan. “He’s a seasoned veteran in the realm.

His performance has been a bit disappointing.”

The root of this dilemma could possibly be traced back to the team’s young coach, who is in his second year with the program and is known to have implemented some questionable policies with regards to hair. For example, on their preseason trip to Florida, each player was only allowed a meager 45 minutes a day in front of the mirror. The idea of trying to cram all gelling, curling, brushing, and coloring routines into such a small time frame is not only unorthodox, but also irrefutably hazardous to the well being of the team as a whole.

“I haven’t seen a swag drought this horrendous since the crew-cut fad of the late nineties!” exclaimed a well-respected, longtime lacrosse coach.

Just when you thought you’d heard it all, it gets worse… Perhaps the biggest disappointments were seen in defenseman Sam Fuller and goaltender Peter Moran.

Both known to sport illustrious manes in the past, they decided to shave their heads basically down to the wood.

Love is blooming all around campus, which is totally fine with Mr. Holyfield, as long as students keep their hands to themselves. He has moved from the book-bag crusade towards a new cause - keeping SLS PDA-Free place. Watch out couples!! He is only in the warning stage now, but keep it clean kids. There have been many incidents witnessed and recorded throughout the commons, the lunchroom, the college counseling office, and in that little room between the choir and the band classrooms.

There have been suspicions of makeout sessions in the room adjacent to the electronic music lab, but the rumors have yet to be substantiated.

The biggest problem so far is hand-holding. This gesture can be interpreted as “exclusive”, which is completely against the St. Luke’s “inclusive” attitude. So, unless you want to hold hands with everyone at the same time, forget about it. This offense, so far, is pretty universal, and has not stemmed from any particular incidents. Unfortunatly, there have been some issues with the whole “pinkie-holding” thing. Certain couples have been witnessed walking through the halls holding only each others pinkie. First of all, I don’t even get why you would do that to begin with, it looks a little awkward and possibly painful. But, more importantly, this is the type of physical contact that will not

be allowed at St. Luke’s. Mr. Holyfield would like to make it clear that those caught holding each others pinkies will be given double detention. The first one is because they were breaking the SLS rules of physical contact and the second because of the danger involved in the maneuver.

What if one lover went right, and the other went left? We could have two broken pinkies on our hands.

Another rather large problem is cuddling. While cuddling is innocent, and occasionally cute, there is no place for cuddling within the building. If you really want to cuddle, get into your car, or at least relocate to one of the little rooms. For seniors, the most notorious place to cuddle is the commons or the college counseling office.

Those cozy couches are the perfect places to snuggle up, and maybe even throw in a cuddle/hand-hold combo. For

the underclassmen, the back of the commons (towards the radio station) and random spots in the hallways have been the most notorious spots for romantic nuzzling. Snuggling on the floor in locker hallways is a double offence, because not only is it awkward, but also because there was a fire drill. Imagine if there was a fire and we all died because a freshman couple was blocking the exit whilst cuddling.

This is a real fear, and the schools’ hallways must be kept safe and clear. As dean of discipline, this sight of teenage hormones is nauseating to Mr. Holyfield. Cooties are being spread under his watch, and it is not SLS appropriate. He would prefer you to wait until after school hours to snuggle. Also, cuddling has been related to dress code issues. Comfortable cuddling can lead to dress code infractions, as ties are loosened and sweatshirts are donned.

At least belts stay buckled.

One particular senior boy has inspired the third rule.

No hair stroking. We all know that your hair is a silken blond buzz, but that doesn’t mean it has to be stroked twenty times a day. Mr. Holyfield is sick of seeing individuals sprawled out on the student common couches petting each others hair. If you are the stroker, (or the recipient of the strokes), prepare yourself for at least an hour of detention.

While many senior couples have been yelled at for PDA, our golden couple, Mr. President and the First Lady, has been notoriously detention free. Oftentimes, KQ will make the move to hold hands or cuddle during the academic day, but Lily Robinson, active member of the deans council, diligently slaps his hand away. Sorry Kev. To this couple, Mr. Holyfield would like to send his warm thanks and congratulations for acting so appropriately during the school hours.

So, what is the next step in anti-PDA measures to be taken around the school? Facebook monitoring? No more loving morning wallposts, matching profile pictures, or nightly “I luv u babycupcakemuffin” reminders? That’s what texting is for.

April 2011

5

OPINION The Real Recession

A Simple Driving Solution

Caroline Chadwick Contributing Writer

Theodor Trampe Editor-in-Chief

For the past four years the economy has affected the world in major ways. Many families have gone bankrupt, children have been pulled from private schools, and jobs have been lost.

Fortunately, none of these things have happened to the people of the beautiful prestigious town of Greenwich, CT, where we live in something like The Truman Show; a bubble where nothing affects the ever so unchanging lives of the business executives and trophy wives. True, after the whole Fannie and Freddie collapse, a couple of things were put on reserve. Some minor changes were made in our perfect bubble to suit the rest of society since they were hurting so much. We put away our Porsches and began driving our cleaner, and more fuel efficient Lexus hybrids. The high-end clothing store, Richards, was deserted and the Gap rose as the new “hot” clothing shop.

The blessed caviar Sundays were switched to fish roe Fridays, and even schools adopted a conservative stance to keep out of the public eye. Greenwich Academy and Brunswick settled for Katy Perry as the performer at their dance, instead of the annual Eminem performance.

Even I had to give up my two-week breaks to St. Barths and fly commercial to our condo in South Beach.

Now that was tough. The worst was when our polo table had to be given up, which was frankly very embarrassing since the Argentineans next to us called us asking why we weren’t there. All of the changes were very hard on the socialite women’s skin; for a year Nip/Tuck gave out underground Botox procedures. It has even been documented that a Greenwich mother replaced all the old photos of herself so her kids wouldn’t realize she got Botox.

Finally after a year of deprivation, my lovely bubble re-inflated to its glorious full size. None of us lost money, and let’s be real here: all of our fathers kept their money in off shore accounts. Money was being spent like crazy and galas raised over millions of dollars. The Richards’ parking lot was flooded once again with Bentleys, Maseratis, and Ferraris. Greenwich Avenue finally got rid of the “cheaper” stores like the Gap and rightfully replaced them with Ralph Lauren among others. My Lexus was given back to the dealer to be replaced by my real car, the M5. The people of Wisteria Lane came back with bigger and better things. The wives bought more toys for the husbands, and more designer clothes were worn then you would see in New York Fashion Week.

Greenwich wasn’t affected by the economy at all; we just had to put on an act. We, Greenwichers, live in the glow of superiority and have no clue just what is happening to the real world, since it simply doesn’t apply to us. If the economy goes down, we spend more money; if the economy goes up we spend more money. As Charlie Sheen would say “It’s a bi winning situation’.

Quite a few students have been complaining about the insane approach to parking that the school has taken. Before break, Mr. Holyfield announced that because of limited parking, people who showed up late would not be able to find a parking spot. He elaborated that a solution to this problem would be to simply arrive early and secure a spot.

-Think about it.

Now maybe in a backwards world, a strategy such as this one would work. But in the real work, we need practical solutions. I am a practical man and I propose that the problem be resolved with a lottery system. I first put forth the idea that we should incorporate something similar to Shirley Jackson's The Lottery. For some reason, Mr. Holyfield thought that stoning people to death would be a little more aggressive then he believed was necessary.

I even tried to reason with him and suggest that instead of stoning people to death we could beat them into submission with something softer like a potatoes or peeled carrots.

Although I disagree, the administration holds the keys. That's why I believe that under this lottery system, losing (or winning) students should be forced to stay home for the day. This will tackle the parking space problem in a fair and simple way. Furthermore teachers would be included in the process, allowing them (and their students) welcome days off from class..

Some people may argue that this type of system would allow too many students to take days off during second semester. I challenge that statement with one raw fact. Nobody cares. Honestly, most seniors are into schools at this point. And even when seniors are in school they only consume food and make noise. The absence (or alien abduction) of the average senior would barely be noticed.

Top 9: Places To Ask a Girl to Prom 9. Taco Bell 8. Somebody’s Wedding 7. Hallway by Lanague Lab 6. Grandma’s House 5. Orem’s 4. The Computer Lab 3. The Cafeteria Line 2. Cyberspace 1. Town Meeting (No Kevin) Chinese Trip Continued...

Mr. Flachs also says he was lucky to get out of the country alive after being apprehended riding a bicycle in Tianamen Square. He was also beaten senseless by a bunch of angry Buddhist monks who thought he was chanting incorrectly at a sacred shrine.

The Sentinel tried to find a positive view on the Chinese trip. Although nobody would give a concrete statement, there was a general consensus that at least the rainbow-colored Mao Zedong toys were cool.

Average senior parking job

The administration has failed to offer up a reasonable solution. In my mind, this is not only the best solution available but also the only option on the table.

Why not?

Top 2: SLS Jokes

2. That’s What She Said.

1. Your Mom.

6

April 2011

ARTS Commonly Senseless

The Real Fairfield County

Mars, Mom, and Me

Sebastian Bates Staff Writer

Caroline Hopkins Staff Writer

Jenna Decatur Co-Editor

Continuing on my recent trend of reading rather unusual books, I’m glad to say I have topped Love Story and iDrakula by reading Common Sense. No, not the Revolutionary War pamphlet- the Glenn Beck book.

It opened my eyes. Glenn has truly channeled the great American patriot, God-fearing Mr. Thomas Paine, who was (to quote the book) “an ordinary man who changed the course of history by penning Common Sense”. We should all follow Beck’s example- we should follow in the footsteps of that great American.

Never mind that Paine was actually an English corset-maker who had only recently moved to Americapay attention to his ideas! Clearly, this American patriot envisioned the true, properly conservative path that this nation should follow. Here are his ideas- the sort of ideas that Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin (another visionary) can be proud of: independence, selfsufficiency, free speech – as well as wealth redistribution, Social Security, and nationalized health care.

If you ignore those last three (I’m sure they were just mistakes) it’s obvious why he is the very model of the true, red-blooded American.

Just reading his words, I can understand Beck’s love affair with this revolutionary: He was no “so-called political expert…rely[ing] on [his] Ivy League education... and misplaced ego” (to quote the book); he had no higher education, and he was no snob: he would have been glad to listen to the cabdrivers, mothers, and plumbers who should obviously run our country. He was the shining example of exactly the person the Glenn Beck (and I) aspire to be: a stalwart, America-loving, God-fearing patriot.

Just like Beck, he was a proud believer in the intention and virtue of the Founding Fathers. Just look at the warm words he had for George Washington (the mutual respect is just staggering!):

Elevated to the chair of the Presidency, you assumed the merit of everything to yourself, and the natural ingratitude of your constitution began to appear … As to what were your views, for, if you are not great enough to have ambition, you are little enough to have vanity, they cannot be directly inferred from expressions of your own; buy the partisans of your politics have divulged the secret.

On top of this, he was a shining example of the God-fearing patriot who Glenn is trying to inspire our nation’s children to be: as he said in his Rally to Restore Honor speech, we have to go to God Boot Camp. And Paine was exactly the right sort of person to fit this moldif you ignore that his ­Age of Reason has been called an “atheist’s bible”. I can’t imagine why- though I suppose his comment that churches “human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit” could be misinterpreted.

Anyway, his personal life was unimpeachable: what American doesn’t dream of as a result as a result of “a combination of excessive drinking and grotesque personal hygiene”? It’s practically the American Dream: look at McDonald’s, and the fine work they do to promote this style of healthcare!

This book should be read by everyone who believes in America’s greatness- and the fact that any problem can be solved with a chalkboard and some crying.

Critics are raving! MTV’s latest reality TV series, The Real Prep Schools of Fairfield County has racked up more views in a single month of its airing than Jersey Shore and The Hills combined. The show, set on our very own hilltop, depicts the day-to-day drama and inner happenings of our SLS Community. The program’s popularity is surprising given its subject manor, yet to the outsider’s perspective, the inner dynamics of a private Fairfield County day school are far from mundane. Most talked about events featured on The Real Prep Schools include sports games, school trips, productions, and school dances. Yet simply the daily drama, the status of the schools’ couples, and dynamics between the faculty and students provide ample entertainment for viewers, who immerse themselves entirely in the SLS life every time they turn on MTV. SLS students, though for the most part happy to have stumbled into a life of newfound celebrity status, are skeptical about the show’s popularity.

How could people possibly find so much entertainment in the boring old life of a tiny Connecticut private school? Given the millions of viewers setting their DVR’s so as not to miss a single beat, the answer to that question is apparently a lot! The Fairfield County bubble seems almost surreal to the rest of the world; most viewers are surprised to discover that high school students actually live like we do. Trivial events in our schools community come across as major drama when spun into a reality TV series.

Viewers nationwide were glued to their television screens last episode as they anxiously awaited Mr. Holyfield’s reply to the infamous “dress code letter”. The incident was all anyone could talk about for weeks straight.

Current tabloids and viewers alike are now speculating as to potential prom pairings, eagerly counting down the days until the show’s “Prom ‘11” episode. The everyday events that we view as ordinary somehow have the nation hooked. SLS students have quickly become more talked about than Snooki and Pauly D- their entire lives made public with the advent of the reality show.

Apparently we live a pretty amusing lifestyle up here on the hilltop! If you’re at all current with television these days, chances are you’ve seen the show, yet if you’re still curious as to what all the hype is about, tune in Fridays at 7:00/6:30 Central on MTV. Once you start watching The Real Prep Schools of Fairfield County, chances are you wont be able to tear yourself away from the dramatic, comical, and all around entertaining reality of our very own Saint Luke’s School.

Finally! A best picture worthy movie has come out for the year 2011…Mars Needs Moms! This 3D animated sci-fi film has become an instant success upon its release a couple weeks ago. Critics are raving and fans are just going wild. If you’re one of the few left who haven’t seen it yet, (I can’t imagine why) the story follows the life of a nine-year old boy Milo whose mom has been kidnapped by Martians!

This heartwarming tale incorporates lessons we could all learn from, as Milo discovers a new appreciation for his mom, and discovers how much he needs her. In a way, it relates to my life.

You see, my mom and I have always had a troubled relationship. She likes the color pink while I think black is just all around better. How sassy! Before I thought having her around was stupid. All she did was steal my precious oxygen and complain to me about my grades and coffee addiction.

This movie helped me peer into my own soul.

It was honestly better then my $100 an hour therapist. I know I at least took it to heart, and gave my mom a hug the second I got back from the theater.

Now you may be thinking: “But Jen, I’m nothing like you! Why Should I watch this movie? I’ve already got a deep and real connection, with my mother!” But, this movie isn’t just about the bond and ESP link you should establish with your mother.

It’s also about taking risks and striving to achieve a deep connection with your mother.

You see, for a Disney movie, it isn’t that one-dimensional!

My life has changed for the better. Now my mom and I go shopping together, get cappuccinos every Thursday, and discuss boys, homework, and pretty much anything that’s on our collective mind! You see, now we think alike and we are alike. Thank you Mars Needs Moms!

April 2011

7

FEATURES Luger’s Question Box Lily Holland Staff Writer

The lure of second semester has hung above my head for the entire year. Not because of my status as a second semester senior, although that is a major plus, but because Mr. Luger will finally answer all of my burning questions. Mr. Luger has become somewhat a source of fascination for his students, and has mysteriously deferred all questions about his personal life until the second semester. However, the time has arrived, and he has been bombarded with questions. So many, in fact, that he had to create a question box. Most of the time when he opens the box at the end of class (the high point of my day, of course) he crumples up the question and throws it out because the question is too personal.

Some memorable questions – and answers – include: “What size are your shoes?” (12) “Did you go to Prom?” (Yes.) “Will you tell us about your Prom?” (No.) “Do you have a tattoo?” (No.) “Do you speak Portuguese?” (Yes.) “Did you learn English in College” (No.)

Top 12: St. Luke’s Couples 12. Bolivia 11. Volly 10. Tannah 9. Parlander

5. Granne

2. Challie

“Are you a redhead?” (My hair is auburn.)

“Where did you go to college?” (Swarthmore.)

Each new day brings a new question, and new answers, adding to the book of knowledge slowly amassing containing Luger-ific facts. Does this come across as creepy? Probably. If I was Luger, I wouldn’t know that to think of the gaggles of Junior students furiously scribbling questions with fervent hopes that he answers their each and every query. However, I know that when Monday rolls around he will have a fresh stack of questions waiting on his desk.

Luger’s secret admirer

8:00 - Pose for pictures taken by the St. Lukes choir girls

6. Karnelle

“Princess Leia or Arwen from LOTR?” (Also inappropriate…)

“Do you have siblings?” (No.)

7:45 - Fly to school on my Australian magic carpet

11:00 - Try to convince an American that I am, in fact, not Jeremy from flight of the conchords

3. Kily

“Would you sacrifice your soul for NASA?” (hmm… yes…I believe I would.)

7:30 - Wake up in my aboriginal tent. Go catch breakfast with my boomerang

7. Mine

“Blondes or Brunettes?” (Seriously guys? This is totally inappropriate I refuse to answer)

“Where do you live?” (No comment. Stop being creepy)

Once you hear Kimin McCaffrey speak, you will instantly fall in love. It’s safe to say that girls love the Australian ascent. Not many people have ventured forth to the mystical island where Kimin and his mates spend most of their days lounging on the beech and drinking Mojitos.

If you were curious how these strange islanders live then be curious no longer. Here’s a look into a day in Kimin’s life:

8. Khoray

4. Chadwill

“Do you have Facebook? Can I friend you??” (No. And definitely not.)

Charlie Schlinkert Contributing Writer

9:30 - Discuss the subtle differences between new Zealanders and Australians but deep down I know that there is really no difference

“Do you want to work in NASA?” (Yes!)

“How are you so good at physics?” (I was born with it.)

Day In the Life: Kimin

1. Pettion Mascot Change Ethan Pearce Staff Writer

So far, 2011 has been the year of bad weather.

Beginning with Snowpocalypse, and continued by the Japanese Tsunami, 2011 has certainly seen enough of storms. That is why, in a stunning reversal of last year’s decision, St. Luke’s School has again renamed the mascot.

“The Storm just sends out an inappropriate message,” said an anonymous administrator, “We respect political correctness too much to condone the horror that storms have wreaked this past year.”

However, students who support the name are up in arms. According to senior Brian Lobdell, “the Storm is a symbol for power and authority, nothing more, nothing less.” The student body as a whole is, however, excited to start from scratch in order to create the perfect mascot to represent the school. The most popular suggestions include, “The Murder (of crows),” “The Politically Correct League” and the front-runner, “The St. Luke’s Shrieking Herbivores.”

“Absolutely no body can be offended by these mascots,” said the administrator. “the cost is necessary in order to appease everyone.”

Clearly, St. Luke’s is going through another transition, and despite the controversy, the general consensus of the school is in favor of a new mascot. After all, Storms are the last thing people want to think of as the school year winds down.

12:00 - Eat a lunch of wallaby meat smothered in vegemite 1:00 - Pay homage to the Crocodile Hunter 1:30 - Telepathically communicate to heath ledger through Australian voodoo 2:45 - Hop on my kangaroo and ride home. As soon as I arrive I shed my American clothes and put on typical Australian garb 3:00 - Blast some men at work. Join several fan pages supporting men at work in their legal battles.

5:00 - Watch the trailer for Mel Gibson’s new movie The Beaver (real movie). Glad to see that Mel Gibson is still doing classy movies 5:30 - Think about who would win in a bare hands battle between Eric Bana and Hugh Jackson.

6:00 - Call home and try to convince my aborigine mates that there is such a thing as time (seriously, aborigines don’t believe in time).

8:00 - Sit in an old gum tree and fall asleep.

8

April 2011

JUST FOR FUN Wacky Facts

Apritopes

Maria Carlucci Staff Writer 1. Bananas contain MSG.

Nikki Bennett-Fite Media Editor Aires (21st March- 19th April): You will have a great day.

2. Spanish is spoken in many parts of China.

Taurus (20th April- 20th May): You will get into the college of your choice, if you haven’t already.

3. IPhones cause cancer.

4. The smell of nail polish remover cures hangovers.

Gemini (21st May- 21st June): The boy or girl of your dreams will approach you today.

Cancer (22nd June- 22nd July): You will succeed in all your endeavors. Think felix felicis type success.

Leo (23rd July- 22nd August): Get the 100% on your math test yet?

Virgo (23rd August- 22nd September): You are a great person.

Libra (23rd September- 23rd October): You and the person you are feuding with will make up in the near future.

Scorpio (24th October- 21st November): Congratulations on a successful life.

Sagittarius (22nd November- 21st December): Keep up the excellent work being awesome.

Capricorn (22nd December- 19th January): One in a million, you’ll win 1,000+ with your next lottery ticket!

Aquarius (20th January- 18th of February): Everyone secretly loves and admires you.

Pisces (19th February- 20th March): You win. You win here and you win there.

5. Tomato zest is often used as a ketchup alternative.

U.S. City Anagrams 1. Villager Hustle _____________________________ 2. All State Icky _____________________________ 3. Gas Slave _____________________________ 4. Worn Key _____________________________ 5. Sells an Ego _____________________________ 6. On South _____________________________ 7. An Acne Wan _____________________________ 8. Win to Gnash _____________________________ 9. Mad Frost _____________________________ 10. Worsen Lane _____________________________

Teacher Anagrams 1. Been Ruler _____________________________ 2. The Chemical Mill _____________________________ 3. Able Slicer _____________________________ 4. Tarzan of Thb _____________________________ 5. Scald Solid Might _____________________________ 6. Avid Marks _____________________________ 7. Bent Chapters Flash _____________________________ 8. Flag If Dear _____________________________ 9. Finer Mean Dozen _____________________________ 10. Thump Hill Mercy _____________________________

6. School is held Monday through Sunday in parts of Ireland.

7. Kangaroo’s are common household pets in Australia.

8. 90% of Alaskans are nocturnal.

9. Hamsters are considered a delicacy New Zealand.

10. The names Bob, Sally and Frank are considered ‘cursed’ by most US citizens.

11. Recent studies reveal that there are actually 37 days in February.

Anagram Answer Key ʎǝɥdɹnɯ llǝɥɔʇıɯ ˙01 zǝpuɐuɹǝɟ ıɯǝou ˙9 ɐɟɟıɹƃ ǝlɐp ˙8 ʇɹɐqsɥɔɐlɟ uǝɥdǝʇs ˙7 sıʌɐp ʞɹɐɯ ˙6 ʇpıɯɥɔsploƃ ɐsıl ˙5 ɥoʇɐq zuɐɹɟ ˙4 sıɹqǝl ɔǝlɐ ˙3 llǝɥɔʇıɯ lǝɐɥɔıɯ ˙2 ɹǝunɹq ǝǝl ˙1 sɹǝɥɔɐǝʇ suɐǝlǝɹo ʍǝu ˙01 pɹoɟɯɐʇs ˙9 uoʇƃuıɥsɐʍ ˙8 uɐɐuɐɔ ʍǝu ˙7 uoʇsnoɥ ˙6 sǝlǝƃuɐ sol ˙5 ʞɹoʎ ʍǝu ˙4 sɐƃǝʌ sɐl ˙3 ʎʇıɔ ǝʞɐl ʇlnɐs ˙2 ǝllıʌɹǝʇɥƃnɐls ˙1 sǝıʇıɔ