YOU GOT ME BY A STRING

December 3rd, 3:17 A.M. “Do you want a ride home?”

“No that’s okay, I’ll just walk,” I reply as I slip my old t-shirt over my head.

“It’s pretty late, you can just stay the night if you want.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah it’s fi ne, I want you to.”

“Actually I better get home or my roommates will get worried. See ya.”

December 3rd, 11:53 A.M. I walked home from their place again last night. It was cold outside this time. As the branches shed their leaves and the chill in the air grew stiff , I felt myself becoming stiff as well. My heart is shielded by armor, and I owe it to these last several months, but it is the only way to protect myself. I’m tired of the fake scenarios in my head and wishful thinking. Do they even know that the tattered Outkast shirt I pull over my head is my favorite band? Th ey will never be able to love me. I’m the girl who comes over every time the 1 A.M. text dings my phone like clockwork. It’s starting to feel like the 1 A.M. girls’ chance at love is slim to none. It won’t happen to me this time, I’ve gained enough respect for myself to never get attached again. I haven’t felt a single feeling toward them since I came to this realization. My breath is heavy, and butterfl ies enter my stomach, but my brain will always snap me back to reality. “You cannot love them”. It feels as though someone else is in control of me. I don’t love them. I know I don’t, but I did want to stay over. How could they ask me that? And when I ask for confi rmation, they just reply with a simple, yet disappointing, “Yeah that’s fi ne”. Well, if it’s nothing more than fi ne I’m leaving! Whatever, I actually didn’t want to stay anyway. I don’t care about them. But maybe I do. I don’t know what to do. It’s been forever, I’m tired of putting on a show.

December 3rd, 4:32 P.M. I slept in today, for reasons I can’t explain. I left my phone ringer on in hopes that they would call, and it would wake me up with a smile. Instead, I’m left to open my eyes on my own, the late aft ernoon sunlight reminding me that they’re not here. Th ey left so abruptly last night it feels wrong for me to text them now. Do they even want to keep doing this? If they aren’t interested, I’ll lay off . But I can’t stop myself from feeling like there’s something there. Everything is fi ne until the night starts to close out. Th ey put up this glass wall between us, and I don’t know where I stand. How do I tell them I want this to be more than just a hookup? How do I tell my friends I want things to be serious between them and I? Th e grandest gesture I’ve ever been able to give them is asking them to spend the night. Maybe they don’t think I can give any more than that. I want to tell them that I’m not just stringing them along, that they mean more to me than I’m able to show. But I just don’t know how without them pushing me away again. It’s been forever, I’m tired of putting on a show.

RELEASE WHAT YOU WERE NEVER MEANT TO CARRY.

Writers: Dana Liberto & Ella Selph Editors: Lexi Fernandez, Noelle Knowlton, & Addy Crosby Shoot Staff ers: Tia Kearney, Kassidy Saba, Jaime Schmidt, Ella Brignoni, Hope Joff ray Beauty: Emma Kornatowski Models: Sydney Mckee, Grace Avvenire Photographer: Desiree Caceres Videographer: Viviano Rojas Layout: Stella Humberg