insightful Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?

Distorted Thoughts. Being controlled and hurt is traumatizing, and this leads to confusion, doubts, and even self-blame. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair and guilt. For example, women shared: “I believed I deserved it,” and, “I was ashamed, embarrassed, and blamed myself because I thought I triggered him.”

Damaged Self-Worth. Related was the damage to the self that is the result of degrading treatment. Many women felt beaten down and of no value, saying: “He made me believe I was worthless and alone,” and, “He made me believe I wasn’t attractive and no other man would want me but him.”

Fear. The threat of bodily and emotional harm is powerful, and abusers use this to control and keep women trapped. For example, “I’ll kill you and/or your family members if you say anything.”

Children. Many mothers put their children first, sacrificing their own safety. For example, some women would say, “I don’t want my child to not grow up with their father.”

Family Expectations and Experiences. The lack of support or loyalty. Some women have mentioned family and religious pressures. For example, “My mother told me God would disown me if I broke my marriage” or “You are lying, your husband is a good God-fearing man. He wouldn’t do this to you.”

Financial Constraints. Many referred to financial limitations, and these were often connected to caring for children: “I have no family to depend on, two young children, no money or access to money.” Others were unable to keep jobs because of the abuser’s control or their injuries, and others were used financially by their abuser: The ex-husband racked up thousands of debt in the victim’s name.

Isolation. A common tactic of manipulative partners is to separate their victim from family and friends. Sometimes this is physical, as one woman experienced: “I was literally trapped in the backwoods of WV, and he would use my little boy to keep me close.” Other times isolation is emotional, as one woman was told: “You can either have friends and family or you can have me.”

Distrust of law enforcement, criminal justice system, and social

services. The abuser always gets a slap on the hand, not charged as a crime plus there is a lot of victim blaming.

HOW TO BREAK FREE Call 911 immediately if you are being abused. Save the phone numbers for the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799SAFE (7233), a local DV shelter and someone you can trust to assist you in this situation.

Create a safe word or phrase. This will be a word or phrase only the family, friend, co-worker etc., will recognize when you are in a violent or emergency situation.

Download a safety App. This will alert those in your immediate circle. “Circulo” is a good one.

Have an escape plan. Know all exits of your home or if in another place, search all exit doors or windows in case you need to utilize them.

One you have escaped the abusive relationship, seek therapy, join support groups, and stay in communication with trusted family and friends to help you keep moving forward and help you along your healing journey.

BY

Dr. Yolanda Jerry

A retired Air Force veteran, speaker, author, life coach, and entrepreneur. She impacts many around the world with her passionate, bold and fierce approach to living life. iamyolandajerry.com