Bouncebackability!
Spawny Primaries have twinkle toad Sullivan to thank as Frauggies croak PSFC squeaked to their first win of the season in a baffling seven goal thriller at St Augustine sports complex. The game itself was reminiscent of two once glorious heavyweights reduced to gurning, grappling and falling over like a couple of sad, drunken old buggers. Primaries were without a host of notable names and were worryingly light in the defensive third after Paddy Durkin was horribly burned during a nasty shower gel incident. French had made plain his intention to fill the void in defence when he rocked into the pre-match dressing room dressed like an extra from The Soprano’s. Unfortunately, after his display on the pitch, he went home looking more like Billy Idol’s Grandad. Both teams had suffered a miserable start to the season with Frauggies shipping eight goals in each of their last three games. Surely this was the chance for shot shy Primaries to finally take a pop at the title and come away with their first win? As it turned out, they did win. But, Christ, did they make it difficult. The game kicked off at a frenetic pace as each team cagily prowled around the pitch. Frauggies captain Gavin “Aye! Aye! Me! ME!!” Brown was involved in a titanic struggle with Dimeck in midfield, while defensive fulcrum MacPhie had the considerably more straight forward task of subduing off colour hitman Sullivan. The away side’s luck looked to have changed when Frauggies left back Mark “The Cunniman” Cunningham snapped a suspender belt in the first five minutes and had to take up position between the sticks. Not surprisingly, the first goal wasn’t long in coming. Primaries had already had a couple of near misses after Sullivan had come tantalisingly close to breaking his duck with a floated lob. However, when the home defence failed to clear from a corner kick, it was Dimeck who lashed home a powerful drive that somehow picked its way through a crowded penalty box and into the net. 1-0 Primaries. It was the third time in four games that PSFC had opened the scoring and there was a collective feeling amongst the team that today was going to be their day.
Then it began. There had been no warning of what was to follow as the game reached its midway point in the first half. Primaries goalie, Martin “One Hit!” McCann (who had miraculously turned up at the correct venue at the correct time) hadn’t had a save to make and had an unusually contented look on his face as he rolled the ball out to French on the edge of the area. Unbeknown to all on the park, however, was that Willie French was angry. VERY angry. With the world. And the only way he knew how to deal with that anger was to dribble. That’s right. DRIBBLE. As the rest of his team looked on aghast, French decided to single-handedly reimagine Swan Lake through the medium of Football. He pranced. He pirouetted. He flounced. He would show them! There would be no putting laces through the ball and hoofing it up the park – No No!! He was a showman! His public demanded it! This would be his finest moment! The problem was, once Frauggies shook themselves out of their stupefying awe at the sight of French fannying about twenty yards from his own goal, they simply ripped the ball off him and stuck it into the net. 1-1. Primaries kicked off still visibly shaken by what had just happened and desperately tried to regain some kind of cohesive rhythm. Petrie and Kipanda pressed and harried in the middle yet the PSFC forward line only skirted around the opposition box without any significant penetration. (Sounds like Petrie’s ideal night out! – Ed.) As Frauggies tightened their grip on possession, PSFC implored Referee Forrest to blow for halftime, but someone had stolen the pea from his whistle. Incredibly, lightening struck twice (shouldn’t that be “Shitening stuck twice”? – Ed) for Primaries and French as the home side went ahead. Trying to make amends for his previous misplay, “Rambo” found himself all alone at the edge of the box with the ball at his feet. Faced with a straight decision of either punting the ball the way he was facing or playing back to the goalkeeper, French concocted a horrible amalgam of the two, slashing feverishly at the ball with his boot while simultaneously falling on his arse. To the casual observer, it looked for all the world like a mime artist portraying a man frantically trying to fend off a sex crazed dolphin. The upshot was a goal for Frauggies and a mountain to climb for Primaries.
2-1 Frauggies Half Time. The half time team talk was brief. French wore the puzzled look of a man who had just dropped his bacon sandwich. Hunter tried to restore calm by retelling a nonsensical story which described how one might make a home made vapour rub by diluting one part Oil of Wintergreen with four parts water. Gaffer Kay was more lucid when imparting his tactical masterplan by screaming “Lets Get Into these C***s!!”” at the top of his voice. The bald boss’s battle cry must have really struck a chord with the Primaries, because they started the second half on fire. Their first foray into the home side’s box was hastily dumped out for a corner on the right. A vicious in-swinger from Morrison was palmed away by the goalie only for Kipanda to lash a ferocious drive into the roof of the net. 2-2 It now seemed as though a concerted attempt to wrest the lead from Frauggies would now ensue. What really happened was another horrible foul up which led to yet another goal for the hosts. The trouble started some distance from the PSFC goal mouth - eighty yards to be precise. Jamieson (who had been suspiciously quiet all game) had possession of the ball near the touchline with Sullivan and a host of Frauggies defenders in attendance. A simple call from Sullivan for Jamieson to “Gies the baw” suddenly triggered the lanky hitman to attempt the pass using an advanced form of Telekinesis. However, no amount of silent, bug eyed staring would encourage the ball to move and it was eventually booted high up field towards the direction of the Primaries box. Cue shambles number three in the away team defence as the out-rushing McCann body slammed Morrison, who in turn fell over French and allowed the Frauggies striker to tap home a simple third. You couldn’t make it up. 3-2 Frauggies. By this point, The Travelling Dangleberries were all at sea, with sporadic shouts of recrimination and abuse breaking out all over the park. Even mild mannered midfield maestro Davie Baillie uttered the word “Bollocks”. (Jesus! Was it that bad?? – Ed) It was going to take a huge amount of luck or skill for PSFC to salvage a win out of this one. In the end, they got both. First, they struck lucky when Steven Jamieson hobbled off the park after a crunching tackle from MacPhie. This allowed Douglas Kay to maraud forward, knocking out a rather decent pastiche of The Crystal Maze era Richard O’Brien in the process. His total disregard for the
commonly accepted rules of positional responsibility caused mayhem for the home team and began to turn the game in the away side’s favour. Gary Sullivan had slowly and surely been turning in a quietly effective, but as yet fruitless, performance. As the game wore on, the likeable predator was becoming more and more intrinsic to his sides burgeoning fortunes. (Crikey! He’s playing football, not eradicating world hunger!! - Ed) With only 5 minutes to go, and one goal down, a Petrie corner was whipped to the edge of the box straight to the feet of Kay. He let fly with a tame effort that would have been saved by Cunningham, had it not been for the fact that he was holding a lit fag at the time, and burly goal getter Sullivan was on hand to despatch the rebound with cool aplomb. (How come no-one else has their goals described like that? – Ed) 3-3!! It was all hands to the pump now and every player on the pitch, with the graceful Kate MacPhie (that’s the good MacPhie, remember) pulling the strings for Frauggies, as both sides frantically searched for the winner. However, it was Sullivan who had the final word. And that word was “GOAAALL!”. As the seconds ticked down a long pass was fed to striker with his back to goal at the far right edge of the Frauggies box. John MacPhie, who had gradually lost out to his relentless opponent over the course of the tie, was left bewildered by a stunning double shuffle and smart turn from the bald rearguard botherer and Sullivan flashed a shot off the post and into the net to seal a dramatic win! 4-3 Primaries FT.
So Primaries finally get the win to hopefully kickstart their season against a beleaguered Forresters/St.Augustine select. It was fitting that the man who pulled his team from the mire should be awarded the MOTM trophy! Take a bow son!
“WILL YOU START THE FANS PLEASE!! Gaffer Kay was well pleased with the win – and a shot of French’s leather jacket.
Editorial note: - Willie French instructed his legal team to take out a super injunction gagging order to try and prevent the details of this document being
released into the public domain.