Jeepney Press / Marnie Chan

Health Points By Marnie Chan

Once upon a time, when the earth was still young, people were so backward that they could only strengthen their natural immunity to fend o diseases.

These days, we simply mandate citizens to avoid certain environments. We have mandatory inoculations to top this o as well. That's plural, btw. With an "s" at the end. For emphasis.

You were told many things: take these jabs, take these pills, social distance, stay indoors. But you were never told to strengthen your immune system.

Just for the records, nothing comes even close to government-certi ed, science-backed, big-pharma prescriptions. So there. I wrote that with free will. No gun on the head.

On the other hand, the following are antiquated, devil-inspired, witchcraft-based treatments and practices. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to do them at home when you feel the onslaught of the common cold, cough, and u. You have been warned.

- Do not see the sun for even at least 15 minutes a day, preferably from sunrise to about 9am. It's terrible for your gluta drip. Besides, vit D is readily available in capsule form. Depression, you say? We have Net ix for that. Stay away from the sun. You know what happened to the last sun people, right? Hiroshima and Nagasaki that's what. Stay indoors. Sun passports are coming soon, lojon.

- Salt gargle. While witches swear to its efficacy (if done hourly for at least 4 times successively), your poor lost soul will certainly burn in hell if you practice this. The properties of the salt gets rid of inflammation in your throat. But burn in hell you will, pagan.

- Ginger tea (salabat). Raw honey. Lemon drink (calamansi is even better). Garlic cloves. Apple cider vinegar (get Bragg. No, I don't get paid to endorse.). Zinc. Warm water. Take them separately or together. Doesn't matter. You are eternally doomed anyway. Behold, the devil's concoction straight from the infernal cauldron. These should be deemed illegal contraband. Not only are they not in the Bible, they also do not bring in pro t - the paramount reason to all this human drama.

- Steam bath. Steam inhalation. Another sorcery lacking highfalutin science. Your neighborhood Harry Potter may have tricked you into clearing your stu ed nasal passages this way. Why can't you be just like everyone else? Conform. See communist China's social merit system for details. Like Santa, it's coming to town. (Oh, I almost forgot... nasal lavage. Shhhh... don't read aloud).

- Acupuncture. Oy vei! Voodoo dolls as pin cushions is how these devil worshipers will treat you. Repent! And give your offerings. (Here quickly: Master Tung's 88.07 known as Ganmaoyi or common cold first point. It is freakishly so potent that it works like magic. You should really burn in hell. Why don't you just accept the sniffles for a couple of weeks like everyone else? Such a trouble maker you are.)

- Here's one honorable mention... Lianhua Qingwen Jiaonang. You didn't read that here. I never said anything. I swear in the lives of all corrupt politicians (wait, that's an oxymoron). I can't even pronounce such gibberish. Whew!

And finally, to all re-labelled entities (i.e.: healthy = asymptomatic), go fund yourselves. Natural immunity, these days, come with a hefty legal price.

Now tell me, you're tempted to some witchcraft tonight, huh? Weh, liars go to jail?

#thehealingpowerofacupuncture

Marnnie Chan

Jeepney Press Acupuncturist