THURSDAY
The Dancehall DJ PhG & Al Pancho Spinning Dance-Hall, Roots & Culture 9PM
FRIDAY FEVER Fridays DJ Jigga Julee & DJ FreakBeatz Dress to impress 8PM
SATURDAY
Live Music Tracorum & Swamp Zen 8PM
3 player teams. Sign up with bartender. Starts at 7PM
8-BALL TOURNAMENT Sign-up 6PM Starts at 7PM
LIVE JAZZ BPM
NOT DEAD YET 8PM
9-BALL TOURNAMENT Sign-up at noon Starts at 1 PM
CALIFORNIA WALRUS 8PM
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
s nthesis
INSIDE THIS WEEK'S ISSUE
Sara Calvosa sara@synthesis.net
Vacation Brain IMMACULATE INFECTION
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PUT A FORK IN IT
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WORDS WITH HOBOS In the wake of the expansion of the decades-old Universal Lifeline program, California is hopping on board and has agreed to provide cell phones to the homeless and low-income qualifiers. The City of Chico, after a 10-year hiatus from dealing with homeless issues, has decided that giving out cell phones is simply not enough and are planning to give out iPads as well. Are they stepping it up to really help the homeless or just stepping in more financial problems?
PEDAL PUSHERS
WHY ARE YOU SMILING?
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KNIGHT OF WANDS Following in the footsteps of Dostoyevsky and Dickens, local author Justin Ferrin is publishing the next chapter in his new and popular four-part fantasy serial. Ferrin and illustrator Nik Burman have delivered another compelling segment that'll keep you on the edge of your seat.
16 POST-HEROIC POW-WOW Synthesis sits down with local indie-legends and blog-rockers, Surrogate, to discuss the release of their latest LP, Post-Heroic. He chronicles the evolution of their latest effort in the midst of ch-ch-ch-changes, deadlines, and touring decisions. Check them out at LaSalles on Friday at 8PM. $8 at the door gets you in and lands you a free download code as well.
LILLER MILLER
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MAKE ROOM FOR DANNY
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SCENE REPORT
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COVER IMAGES 'Baby Blues'
Coming back from vacation is always difficult. My vacations usually involve a million moving parts - juggling the children and the micro climates of their emotional meltdowns, or making sure that at all times there are snacks and that not one member of my family suffer even a single second of a tiny pang of hunger. And since my relatives live in really inconvenient parts of California, it usually means that there is a lot of time spent inside the car, breeding contemptuous familiarity. This vacation was nothing like that. The kids had electronic devices, I forked over the $10 extra to activate Hawaiian Airlines Keiki TV, and I had a purse full of Cliff Bars and bubble gum. This flight was going to be freaking relaxing or else. I ordered a double Bloody Mary, put my seat in the backest of back positions, and I took a nap. I TOOK A NAP. We landed in Honolulu and everything went smoothly. In fact, the entire vacation went smoothly. I slept in, I rolled out of bed onto the beach, I lollygagged, shopped, went for drives, paddleboarded, visited the family farm, ate a ton of raw fish chunks and fresh eggs, drank cappuccinos every morning, got a flaming-hot Cheeto sunburn, sacrificed a day to the god of pina colada hangovers, and just generally wiled away the days like a lady of leisure. And all the while, my little beach bums were entertained, minimally demanding, and only minutely annoying. In fact, I actually fell in love with my family all over again; shepherding my little swimmers around Haunauma Bay, showing them how to clear their masks and "snorkelers" as they point out tropical fish, all while I witness the world blowing their minds. Is that not the best family vacation anybody could ask for? I didn't even give 100 rips about work for once. I didn't worry that Nolan would somehow take over the paper and start forcing everybody to listen to his terrible hipster music. Best vacation ever! Big thank you to Nolan for covering for me and to Matt's family for pampering us within an inch of our lives, and to the island of Oahu for just existing so gloriously. Now that I'm back, I'm pretty much spending all day messing around with my peeling sunburn and scheming up ways to get back to Hawaii. .. ~
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I hope you enjoy this April 1st edition of the Synthesis as we delve into City Council shenanigans, present you with part two of our ongoing original fantasy series by Justin Ferrin, and Nolan jumps inside the collective nugget of Surrogate. As Nolan would say, this issue is legit.
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- Sharon Mollerus (flickr.com)
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APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
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SRING WORD JUMBLE Rearrange the letters to form a common word
1) aubogl
Letter To The Editor 2) neryud
Why doesn't Kenny Kelly respond to the comments on his column? He's writing pretty provocative stuff (I can't quite tell if he's being ironic about the homeless situation) but it's just a dead end trying to spark any discussion.
3) krayct
Denver Latimer
4) oescj
From Synthesis Weekly.com
5) fmmuy
syn thesis For 19 years The Synthesis goal has remained to provide a forum for entertainment, music, humor, community awareness, opinions. and change.
PUBLISHER Kathy Barrett kathy@synmedia.net
MANAGING EDITOR Sara Calvosa editorial@synthesis.net
EDITOR Nolan Ford nolan@synthesis .net
DESIGNERS Michaela Warthen Paige Cloke Tanner Ulsh graphics@synthesis.net
DELIVERIES
Re: Knight of Wands Part I March 25th issue Could it possibly be true? Is the Synthesis actually running a gritty serial?! Love the first person perspective and the dark subject, keep it coming. Hopefully there is a lot of action in the future. Chase Morrison
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
6) fualh
7) uimoshr
8) emliibusp
I like how it was written can't wait for the rest of the story. Adam Ramirez
10) posof
CALENDAR
NERD Dain Sandoval dain@synthesis .net
ACCOUNTING Ben Kirby
DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS Karen Potter
j.Aea (01 s.100.:1 (6 l!Jdv (g .AddeH (L '"no.A (9 PIOJ (~ aM (v awiJ (ÂŁ Jnoqe (('; .A1qeq0Jd (1
Word Jumble created by Bethany Johnson
Re: Off My Lawn! March 25th issue
As a screenwriter, I know that what makes for an interesting character is someone who blunders and then finds a way out of the self-created mess. Or at least who makes a big effort to solve the problem. MurraySuid
PHOTOGRAPHY
Bethany Johnson calendar@synthesis.net
9) relapl
I guess I'm never going to be elected vice president of the USA because I could make a very long list of my faults and mistakes.
Arielle Mullen. Bob Howard. Bryan Lex. Danny Cohen. David Neuschatz. Dillon Carroll. Evan Billman. Guy Starvist. Howl. Jack Knight. Jen Cartier. Josie Hall. Jeremy Gerrard. Kenneth Kelly. Koz McKev. Ky Junkins. Matt Olson. Molly Lex. Ryan Hawkley. Steve Swim. Tommy Diestel
Jessica Sid Vincent Latham
Good stuff, I'm holding my breath for part 2. Josiah David
Awesome! your style is intelligent and fun, which is hard to convey through text! 10/ 10, would read again, and look forward to another! Whitney Garcia
Joey Murphy Molly Roberts
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OWNER Bill Fishkin bill@synthesis.net The Synthesis is both owned and published by Apartment 8 Productions. All things published In these pages are the property of Apartment 8 Productions and may not be reproduced. copied or used in any other way. shape or form without the written consent of Apartment 8 Productions. One copy (maybe two) of the Synthesis is available free to residents in Butte. Tehama and Shasta counties. Anyone caught removing papers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law (and our law!). All opinions expressed throughout the Synthesis are those of the author and are not necessarily the same opinions as Apartment 8 Productions and the Synthesis. The Synthesis welcomes. wants. and will even desperately beg for letters because we care what you think. We can be reached via snail mail at the Synthesis. 210 W. 6th St .• Chico. California. 95928. Email letters@synthesis.net. Please sign all of your letters with your real name. address and preferably a phone number. We may also edit your submission for content and space.
210 West 6th Street Chico Ca 95928 530.899.7708 info@synthesis.net
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APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
SYNTH ESISWE E KLY.COM
IMMACULATE INFECTION Bob Howard madbob@madbob.com
Adios Double Happiness! I'm writing this with a heavy heart. That's not really true, I'm actually excited as hell. That said, after something like seven years of writing this bit, this will be the final edition of "Immaculate Infection." The Double Happiness Farm is up for sale, we're packing our belongings, and by month's end we will be residing in wondrous Southern California, Los Angeles, maybe Beverly Hills... eventually. Swimming pools, movie stars-I can feel the LA sun browning my skin as we speak. Jonathan Livingston Great White Shark A few things have come up that have enabled this process. First, my inspiring novella has been picked up by Random House. It centers on the spiritual growth of a shark who decides to divorce herself from the cycle of consumption and reproduction, and instead spends her time perfecting the art of swimming quickly through the ocean water. It's entitled Jonathan Livingston Great White Shark. The publishers have high hopes for the book, and the advance is enough to set us up in a pretty nice pad.
Femme Productions Second, I've been offered a steadier gig writing for Candida Royale's adult film production outfit, Femme Productions. The company specializes in explicit erotic cinema targeted towards a female audience. Those who know me know my penchant for all things blue, and this is really the opportunity that got me dancing in the streets. I'll be a scriptwriter and doctor, working out the dialogue or coming up with the situations that cleverly lead to the two actors taking it all off and hopping into the sack together. I came up with a couple of early ideas that Ms. Royale, Candy, really liked. The first is a story about a divorcee who decides to take an empowering canoe trip. When the rapids turn out to be too much to handle, she and her robust young guide find themselves separated from the rest of the group and alone in a clearing along the riverbank. It's called Raging River of Love. I haven't come up with a title yet for the second, but it involves a couple of CIA agents investigating a money laundering operation posing as a sex toy factory.
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Nashville! I've also had a few interesting phone calls from R.J. Cutler about coming on board as a staff writer for the hit television show Nashville! He seems to be all for it, but I may have pissed off co-producer Connie Britton somehow. There was a lot of vodka and the details are hazy at best. Rock Star Looks at 42 Finally, the Transexpistols have decided it's high time we regrouped and really stepped up the act. We're planning a nationwide tour. Trish keeps saying we're too old and too fat, but we have plenty of make-up and I haven't eaten a bite since Wednesday.
As you might imagine, Trish isn't entirely thrilled about the whole idea, but who is she to stand in the way of my dreams? I mean sure, we've got this farm we're working on here, but let's face it, working in the adult film industry and playing rock and roll beats farming any day of the week. Growing food is neat enough, and there is a certain reward that comes along with it, but the pay is miserable and, let's face it, it's ridiculously hard work. Anyway, it's been real. Adios, Chico!
APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
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PUT A FORK IN IT Jen Cartier blushcatering@gmail. com
Yes, I Do In Fact Want Fries With That It's just not fair. Everyone is up in arms against McDonald's because they serve food that isn't healthy and they market to kids.
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"We clean to YOUR specifications!"
Come on, kids are smart enough to know they shouldn't fall for that dumb "bada-ba-bah-bah" jingle, or the words, 'Tm lovin' it." And of course they all know that Ronald McDonald Camp is where everyone gets bitten by snakes. If bratty little kids choose to berate their parents until their spines melt and their cars enter the drive-thru, then it's their own fault AND their parent's fault for not having spines of steel. Steel is necessary when raising children; as is spanking, yelling, shaking fists, and generally doing whatever you have to doincluding letting them shove cheeseburgers in their faces-when they won't shut up otherwise. Those golden arches are the American symbol of gastronomy that has gone worldwide in a mere half-century. I mean, really, who needs to pay a bunch of money to eat at The French Laundry when McDonald's has taken something as simple as the boring potato and turned it into a thinly sliced, perfectly salted and fried accompaniment to the mouthwatering and globally embraced Big Mac? Genius. You're all a bunch of haters. Here you all are thinking chicken was comprised of cuts of breast, wing, thigh, and leg and only capable of achieving the crispiness associated with its disgustingly thin layer of skin. You were wrong. The chicken has another boot-shaped cut with a crispy coating all its own that responds particularly well to friers loaded with GMO soy
oil. It's called the chicken nugget. Duh. Let's get started on fish. First of all, for you food elitists, were you unaware that Filet-0-Fish is made with sustainable seafood? That's a fact. And what they do with it, well, that's another fact that leaves you salivating on your drivethru to-go box. You might also have thought that fish was comprised of only the following cuts: whole, filet, sides, and steaks. But again, you were wrong. There is another cut called the McBite and it comes in three sizes: snack, regular, and shareable. You are missing out! One corporate attribute that cannot be overlooked is the fact that McDonald's is highly sensitive to the culture they operate in. They don't serve beef in India, but what they do serve is the Chicken Maharaja-Mac. That's the pimp daddy Taj Mahal of fast food. Plus, you didn't hear about Guy Fieri's burger with donkey sauce in Pulp Fiction. No, no. You heard about the "Royale with cheese," and you heard it recommended by Samuel L. "Badmothafucka" Jackson. See? Proof of cultural sensitivity, while pushing American standards. Manifest destiny goes global, biatches! McDonalds; two arches, five stars, no matter what country you're in. Plus, there is no bra required at a drive-thru window. Perks all around.
SY NTH ESISWE EKLY.COM
PEDAL PUSHERS Erica Noel pedalquestions@gmail.com
A Real And Accurate History Of The Bike You may be of the belief that Pierre and Ernest Michaux-a French, father and son teaminvented the bicycle, but you would be wrong! Bikes were invented in the third Chinese dynasty ofBi-Si-Kul. Eventually, the Chinese workhorse made its way across the silk roads (how do you suppose they hauled all those silks and spices? Bikes, of course). Once the wheeled invention made it to Europe, there were upgrades made to the Chinese design, like brakes and gears. The Chinese were riding fixies. In the mid-15th century, a French merchant named Pierre Saint DuJour-who really fancied bikesbegan to use them for all means of transport and trade within France, which is how the Tour de France was started. It was originally called the "Commerce de France" because it was a route used for trade. The route eventually lead to bicycles becoming commonly used all across France. Thus, the famed bike race was born. DuJour had the trade route's original name trademarked, so the race's title was changed and the rest is history. Meanwhile in Egypt, King Tut used cycle power to build pyramids. There was even a monument-much like the Sphinx-to the Egyptian goddess, Cycla, who was the goddess of bikes. Her breasts were drawn in the likeness of wheels. It was thought that she not only brought good fortune and safe passage to cyclists, but that she also played an integral role in the creation of life.
Back over in 1491 Europe, Columbus took a Spanish queen on a whimsical bike ride and won over her heart, AND her pocketbook. Because of bikes, Columbus was able to set sail. He also brought his bicycle on the Santa Maria, but a rough day on the water caused the bike to be tossed overboard. Having lost his prized possession, he was overcome with grief "Never again will a bicycle be lost to the sea!" he exclaimed, and the U-Lock was invented. We all think the pilgrims were forced from England because of"religious persecution." Bah, what a crock of bologna. The real reason is much better! The King could not get down with their tandem bikeriding habits and forced them out. They went to the bicycle-loving Netherlands where they thought they would be accepted, but shit got weird and they sailed via pedal power to America.
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More Fun Historical Bike True Facts: *Paul Revere rode a bike, not a horse, that he called his "steed."
*Lewis and Clark traveled by mountain bikes. *Honest Abe rode a bike every day and it's thought that the Emancipation Proclamation was written while he was riding his upright, stationary bike. I could continue to regale you with more amazing, historically accurate facts about the bike, but I don't have enough column space for that. Don't be a fool - wear a helmet. Suckers!
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APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
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In the wake of the California Public Utilities Commission decision to give cell phones to the homeless, the Chico City Council has decided to take it one step further and are moving to enact a program to give the homeless men and women of Chico iPads. "Cell phones are great for staying connected, but what [the homeless] really need is access to the Internet and an occasional game of Fruit Ninja once in a while;' says Mayor Mary Goloff. The iPads will come with preloaded apps: A job search app, Hipstamatic, and Yelp to review places like the Torres Shelter-giving transient homeless persons a heads-up about what's for dinner and whether or not there are any beds available.
Assurance Wireless and Virgin Mobile to provide cell phones to millions of homeless and jobless citizens. A free phone with 250 free minutes and 250 free texts will be available for qualifying individuals.
Some people are skeptical about whether or not the phones will actually be used for their intended purpose, and Internet message boards have been abuzz with inflammatory trolling and debate surrounding this controversial issue. One anonymous blogger comments, "They're probably just going to be using them to text each other to find out things like, 'WTCA?! (where the crack at?!)' or 'omg wtfbbq? (oh my god wtf did we just bbq?):
Unsurprisingly, councilmember Sean Morgan is a vocal dissenter when it comes to enacting this program, especially so quickly after the Plastic Bag Ban. "We're hemorrhaging money, and the data plans alone would make the Chico Fire Department's overtime scam look like they'd barely stolen a six-yearold's piggy bank;' says Morgan. Though California has been helping poor citizens pay their phone bill since 1985 via the Universal Lifeline program, they're now taking it a step further. California's Public Utilities Commission has jumped on board with
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APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
The decades-old program is part of the Federal Universal Service Fund and is currently being implemented in 36 other states. The cell phones will give homeless people an opportunity to follow up on jobs, remain in contact with their families, make emergency calls, and stay connected. However, many Californians are calling this another entitlement program and wondering how, in the midst of ongoing state financial challenges, we can afford to be passing out phones to the poorest of our populace.
That sound you're hearing right now is not an indicator that you're getting a text message, it's the collective tightening of every conservative's asshole in California squeezing shut with fury.
When the decidedly left-leaning Chico City Council heard about the phone program, they knew that it would take more than a cheap cell phone to aid Chico's most downtrodden. In a world fueled by social media and lightningquick changes in trends and information, a person looking for work will need access to the Internet and,
SY NTH ESISWEE KLY.COM
at the very least, an email address. "These iPads will come pre-loaded with job search apps and they can set up email addresses to send in their resumes. If they don't have a resume, they can use their iPads to create one. This is going to really streamline the process and help them overcome that first hurdle of getting a job;' says ex-mayor Ann Schwab.
" If they
Once a resume is received in response to an advertisement, the potential employers can call the applicant on their cell phone to arrange an interview.
There are few places in town that offer those kinds of secure facilities and support services, and they are overcapacity and underfunded. "Just because [programs] are not all in place right now, doesn't mean we shouldn't set the wheels in motion. These people need our help, not our condemnation and intolerance;' councilmember Tami Ritter would have said, had she responded to our request for comment.
don't have a resume, they can use their iPads to create one. This is going to really streamline the process and help them overcome that first hurdle of getting a job."
Many homeless feel discriminated against due to their appearance when they arrive at a place of business to drop off a resume. They're afraid to leave their belongings behind to attend an interview because of the rampant theft in the homeless community. When one has so few possessions, and necessities are so hard to come by, it can be devastating to have them stolen. When they're carrying everything they own with them everywhere they go, their quest for finding a job can feel over before it even starts. Though the iPads and cell phones will be crucial tools when it comes to opening employment doors, they don't address what happens when an applicant actually lands an in-person interview. Where are they able to store their things, clean up, and get a ride to their interview?
There are also issues with charging stations and Wi-Fi versus 3G options. Where will the homeless charge their phones and tablets? The city of Chico has notoriously spotty wireless service. "We're considering the possibility that we may need to put a cell tower somewhere downtown;' says Randall Stone. "We're thinking that at the very least we could put a lightning rod on the top of the Senator's diamond-style dome to see if that helps:' As for charging stations, councilman Mark Sorenson says, "We're working on a deal with Barnes & Noble right now. All the homeless people tend to stop in there to poop and take naps anyway, so perhaps we could set up a charging kiosk in the back of the store, near the travel journals:'
Another challenge facing the distribution of iPads to the homeless is that some of Chico's homeless just don't have the capacity for employment due to mental illness, physical limitations, or medical issues. Some are calling for the development of a new program, Camp
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GoAway. All qualified poor and homeless people would be rounded up and shipped out to sea on a garbage barge, that way nobody would have to look at them and become uncomfortable while shopping downtown. "As one of the only candidates to tour the Jesus Center last fall during my campaign, I was able to investigate the homeless situation with my own eyes;' says former city council candidate and Camp GoAway supporter, Toby Schindelbeck. "Taking everything into account, I think that we should just tear it down and build a CrossFit gym:' Camp GoAway isn't gaining much traction politically however, because the current City Council is skewed Non-Jerk. Currently, the Chico City Council is working on the logistics of this plan and hoping to enact the first phase by summertime. Now that the Plastic Bag Ban has passed, the Council must ensure the second part of that planthe Shopping Cart Ban-is implemented. "Exercise is important to me;' says Sean Morgan, "and if we're gonna waste taxpayers time with bullshit like bag bans, then I want to ban shopping carts so all you fatties can get a little more exercise, making Chico a healthier, more premier place to live:' Once the Shopping Cart Ban goes into effect in late spring, the Homeless iPad giveaway will be rolled out. For more information, and to see if you qualify for a free iPad, call 530-894-2300. And for more information about the Federal Lifeline Assistance Program and cell phone benefits, please visit www.assurancewireless.com .
by Sara Calvosa APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
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Part II of IV Story by Justin Ferrin Art by Nik Burman
One, two, three, four, five ... still silent. I peak from behind the statue to where my target ought to be. There are three figures 50 yards from my location, one standing over two others at the center of the graveyard-the witch, her sacrifice, and the guy she's attempting to resurrect. I watch for a bit longer. The witch keeps her attention on her victim, never looking my way. I got lucky; figured she would have heard the fence jingle. From her file the witch, Elyse, is here to resurrect Virgil Costin. Costin was stabbed by a rival sorcerer, which is a pretty anti-climactic way for wizards to settle a grudge. Elyse had been his apprentice for several years before then, and at the time of Virgil 's death the pair were lovers. He must've been a pretty good lay if she 's going through all the trouble to revive him. I pull the medallion from beneath my shirt. The amber stone is supposed to glow when it's near magical energy; it's pretty useful for detecting traps. Once the ritual begins and the area is saturated with energy, it'll be useless. I proceed forward with care, creeping behind a series of grave markers and then around the side of an old crypt covered with ivy. The untrimmed grass muffles my steps. I duck down behind a crumbling tombstone, slowly moving in on my target.
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withered corpse. Burial chambers, including the one I'm crouched behind, surround them on three sides. I raise my pistol and sight in Elyse. After releasing the air from my lungs, I take three shots. Just as I squeeze the trigger, the cut on my arm tingles. The muzzle flashes for a moment, lighting up my position. The shots echo through the secluded graveyard. Elyse collapses eerily a few feet from the corpse and the virgin. I keep my barrel on her as I jog over to confirm the kill. All three bullets hit. One blew through her chest three inches below the collar bone, and the other two landed in her gut. I was aiming for her head, but the sensation in my hand threw me off. Oh well, she's not getting up. I chuckle at the surprising ease of this hunt. In a matter of seconds, three hunks of lead put an end to all of her preparation. I thought witches were supposed to be difficult. The tingling in my arm stops and as I holster my pistol, I notice that my scratch has healed. I stoop down and lower my cheek to within an inch of the girl's face. It's faint, but I can feel her breathe and see her chest rise and fall. She 's alive and significantly more attractive than most virgins I've known. I nudge her shoulder in an attempt to wake her. She doesn't respond so I nudge a little harder. As I'm about to speak, her eyes spring open and she starts screaming.
20 feet from my mark, the air temperature plunges ten degrees and the amulet shines. Immediately, I freeze to search for a trap. As I scout the ground around me, a series of shrill, frightened wails cut through the silence. The sound of the screams causes my stomach to knot. It sounds like someone is being murdered. I glance up at the moon--still a solid 15 minutes from reaching its peak. She can't initiate the resurrection this early... what's happening? The light fades from the amber as quickly as it appeared. That was no trap.
"Easy. I'm not with her. I'm here to save you." She shuts up and looks at me suspiciously before glancing around. After staring at Elyse 's body for a moment, she looks relieved.
The temperature drops even further as I creep forward, dropping to the point that I can see my own breath. The figures are now quite clear. A blonde middle-aged woman, Elyse, stands over a motionless young brunette and a
"Well Jessica, it looks like I got here just in time. Do you have any idea what that woman had planned for you?"
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"Thank you." Somewhere beneath the fear her voice has a sweet, charming quality to it, as do her brown eyes.
"One minute I was studying for finals and the next I was here. She never told me anything."
'Take a deep breath. I'm sure you're in shock, Miss .... "
"It's probably best if you didn't know. I'll deal with the bodies and then we ' ll get you home." I help her to her feet and head over to pile Virgil 's corpse with Elyse's so I can bum them. Burning the bodies makes a future resurrection more difficult, and is also damn convenient. Strange, Virgil looks fresher than I had anticipated. I would expect a tenyear-old body to be little more than a skeleton, but he 's still gooey.
"Montgomery. Jessica Montgomery."
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Bread S7.99 Bpm-Close S4 Jager SS DBL Vodka Red Bull JO-Close
5 flavors to choose from
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Open llAM Bloody Mary Bar Noon-6PM SB Dom Pitcher S9 SN Pitcher BPM-Close S6.SO DBL calls
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or
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Sign-up at noon . Starts
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OPEN MIC - ACOUSTIC
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MUG NIGHT 7-IUO 40oz beer S2.50 or S3 S4 Dbl Peach Tea
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or salad for S5.29. llam-!Opm.
Make your reservation
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S2 All Day 52 Select Sierra Nevada
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or Dom Drafts
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LIVE MUSIC S5 Dbl Creamsicle Cocktail S3 Cherry Press S3 Glass of Wine
S3 all teas S6 Sky Vodka and Redbull BUCK NIG HT 9PM-Close SI BEERS SI WELLS SI TEAS
S2.25 PBR S2.75 Well & Dom. All day - Every day SIO BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE
S2.50 Mimosas/Bloody Mary's or Mariah's S3 Cranberry Smirnoff Screwdriver S5 Dbl Tennessee Honey Press
S3.50 151 party punch S3 Fire Eater Shots S6 .50 Apple Cinnamon Cider 8-9PM SI pale ale and dom draft up 25¢ dose
per hour until
Happy Hour 4-8PM SS House Martinis S4 Glass of House Wine S3 Well Cocktails 20% off wine by bottle SI off Call liquor and bottled beer
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54 Glass of House Wine S3 Well Cocktails 20% off wine by bottle SI off Call liquor and bottled beer
S3 Tea of the Day S4.50 DBL Captain Morgan Cocktails S5 Vodka Redbull
S2 25 PBR S2.75 Well & Dom. All day - Every day
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Happy Hour 4-8PM SS House Martinis S4 Glass of House Wine S3 Well Cocktails 20% off wine by bottle SI off Call liquor and bottled beer
S3 Tea of the Day S4.50 DBL Captain plus Bartender Special
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Mon-Sat 3PM-6PM SI Dom draft, S2 SN draft, S!.50 wells, Power Hour 8-9PM 1/2 off Liquor & Drafts 9-Close S3 Skyy Cocktails & Pale Ale Drafts S9.75 Pale Pitchers
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8-dose Sl well cocktails, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, dom draft S3 Guiness Drafts, S2 Black Butte S5 Vodka Redbull
Lemonade
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Bear Burger with fries
S216oz Wells
Free Happy Hour Food 4PM until it's gone
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FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA • SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
13
TOWN& LOUNG&
FRIDAY, APRIL 5rH
thursdav
DiveBar Disco
FEATURING: Don Ashby, Motown Filthy Walter Ego, DISO, Fat Stickies, Bonny Scott. Biggs Roller
S3-6pm
Skeptics and fans oflaughter alike are in for a treat this Friday. On tour from his hometown of Sacramento, Keith Lowell Jensen will be performing stand-up across the West Coast in support of his third comedy album, Elf Orgy. Jensen has performed alongside comic titans such as Norm MacDonald, Robin Williams, and Dana Carvey so we're lucky to have him in town. There will be two performances beginning at SPM and lOPM with support from opening act, Johnny Taylor. Tickets for this all-ages event can be found online at: www.blueroomtheatre.com
If you're one of the many Cammies conspiracy theorists, then this is the show for you. A group of acts that weren't nominated in the musical awards celebration (hosted annually by that other publication) have banded together to host their own satirical showcase and awards ceremony. The show features local comic Dan Ashby, as well as the following musical acts: Motown Filthy, Walter Ego, DISO, The Fat Stickies, Bonny Scott, and Biggs Roller. This 21 + show starts right at 6:45PM and costs a measly $3.
Black Fong - 9pm
Hosted by: Biggs Roller
BLUE ROOM THEATRE
TOWNE LOUNGE
wednesdav
The scammies
Atheist Comedian, Keith Lowell Jensen
The Whammy Scam mies
-
The Return of Disco Dervl!mil~
FRIDAY, APRIL 5rH
••• ••••• •••• ••••• •••• ••••• •••• ••••• •••• •••••
!MONDAY The Bear: Bear-E-oke! 9PM. Cafe Coda: 1st Monday Jazz with The Bumptet. Partial benefit for 90.l, KZFR. 7PM. $10. Cafe Flo: Jazz Happy Hour with Carey Robinson Trio. 5-7PM. DownLo: Pool League - 3 player teams, sign up with bartender. 7PM. Last Call Lounge: Karaoke. 8PM. Maltese: Open Mic Night - Acoustic Music. Signups @ 8, Starts@ 9. Mug Night 7-11:30PM. Woodstock's: Spelling Bee For the Grown Ups. 6:30-7:30PM.
2TUESDAY lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Dreamwork Circle - Share dreams & explore techniques for discovering their secrets. 6:30-8PM. $10. The Bear: Bear Wear! 1/2 off while wearing Bear Wear. Mug Club 4-lOPM. Cafe Flo: Open Mic with Aaron. 7-9PM.
DownLo: Game night with DJ DannyK. 7PM The Hub: Chico Salsa Connection - Intro to Salsa & Latin Dance 8PM. Dancing 8:30-Close. FREE LaSalle's: '90's Night. 21+. Maltese: Karaoke 9PM-Close. Sierra Nevada Big Room: Jelly Bread. 7:30PM. $20. Studio Inn Lounge: Karaoke 8:30PM-1AM. The Tackle Box: Karaoke 9PM. Wismer Theatre: CSU, Chico's Department of Music Theatre presents On The Verge - The Geography ofYearning. 7:30PM. $6/$13/$15. Woodstock's: Trivia Challenge. Call @ 4PM on date to reserve a table. 6:30 PM.
3WEDNESDAY lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Open Mic. Singers, songwriters, musicians, vocalists and comedians. All ages welcome. 7PM. The Bear: Trike Races. Wintshirts and Bear Bucks. Post time lOPM. Mug club 4-lOPM. Cafe Flo: Jazz Happy Hour with Carey Robinson Trio. 5-7PM. Followed by Way Out West with
the Blue Merles. 7:30-9:30PM. Crazy Horse Saloon: Wild dance lessons, mechanical bull, Crazy Horse Girls, DJ Hot Rod Ent. 8-lOPM. Chico Women's Club: West African Dance with Imelda Mata. Live drumming. 5:30-7PM. $10. Chico Women's Club: Ecstatic Dance. Live music played by the TranceFormation Band. 7: 15-8:30. DownLo: 8 Ball Tournament. Signups 6PM, Starts 7PM. Duffy's: Dance night! DJ Spenny and Jeff Howse. 9PM. Feather Falls Casino: Dance Club. Dress to impress! 9:30PM. $5 cover includes one drink. Joe's: Karaoke. 9PM to lAM. LaSalle's: Dash Rip Rock & The Hambones. 9PM. $3 Maltese: Heavy Deavy Wednesday - Metal/Shoegaze Etc. 8PM. Senator Theatre: Tech N9ne. Doors 7:30PM, Show 8:30PM. $27 adv., $30 door. Tackle Box: Beginner Swing Dancing Lessons. 7-9 PM. Towne Lounge: Black Fong. 9PM. VIP Ultra Lounge (Inside The Beach): Laurie Dana. 7-9PM.
Wismer Theatre: CSU, Chico's Department of Music Theatre presents On The Verge - The Geography of Yearning. 7:30PM. $6/$13/$15. Woodstock's: Trivia Night plus Happy Hour. Call @ 4PM on date to reserve a table. 8PM.
4 THURSDAY Cafe Flo: Improv Jam - Workshop with Michael 5-7PM. DownLo: Chico Jazz Collective every Thursday. 8PM. Downtown Chico: Thursday Night Market: Fusion Dance Company, Gravybrain, Bob McDaniel, Jeff Pershing. 6-9PM. Graduate: Red Bull Movie Night. lOPM. Grana: Live Jazz w/ John Seid 5:30-8:30PM. Has Beans: Open Mic Night. 7-lOPM. Sign-ups start@ 6PM. Lakeview Restaurant (Oroville): Carey Robinson Jazz. 6-9PM. LaSalle's: Happy Hour: Outta Nowhere. 6-9PM. No cover. Lost On Main: The Dancehall Ft: DJ PhG & Al Pancho. 9PM2AM. $2. Maltese: Karaoke 9PM-Close.
The Pershing Band S3-9pm
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APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
FRI & SAT, APRIL 5 - 6
SATURDAY, APRIL 6rH Tracorum with Swamp Zen
Keeping Dance Alive LAXSON AUDITORIUM
LOST ON MAIN
With the eclectic styles of the 22nd Annual Keeping Dance Alive, there's sure to be something that will move and astound you. True, there may be something that will leave you scratching your head, but that's what diversity's all about. Nine choreographers contributed their passion to this repertory dance concert. Just try to sit still in your seat. Performances are Friday at 7:30PM and Saturday at 2PM. Tickets are $18 for adults and $14 for students/kids.
"Original rock n' soul, cosmic gospel thunder funk" will arrive at Lost On Main this Saturday in the form of San Francisco's own Tracorum. Harvestival Entertainment is curating what looks to be an evening of upbeat music and dancing perfectly aligned with the Lost On Main vibe. Opening the night will be locals Swamp Zen, who have been known to bring the jam funk just as hard as their Bay Area compatriots. As an added bonus, Tracorum will be including a special tribute to the Grateful Dead as part of their set. Who saw that one coming? 21 +. 9PM. $7.
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Panama's: Eclectic Nights- Buck Night & DJ Eclectic spinning favorites of today and yesterday on the patio. 9PM. Quackers: Karaoke Night with Andy. 9PM-1AM. Tackle Box: Live music with Rancho Mars. 7-llPM. Towne Lounge: Dive Bar Disco - The Return of Disco Deryl. 9PM. $1. VIP Ultra Lounge: Acoustic Performance w/ Bradley Relf. 7-9PM. No cover. Wismer Theatre: CSU, Chico's Department of Music Theatre presents On The Verge - The Geography of Yearning. 7:30PM. $6/$13/$15.
5 FRIDAY lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Writing Group - Write, & share. 3:30-5PM. The Beach: DJ 2K & Mack Morris. 9PM-close. $2, $10 VIP. Blue Room: The One Full Beard Tour with comedians Keith Lowell Jensen & Johnny Taylor. 8PM&10PM. DownLo: Live music with Not Dead Yet. 9PM. Duffy's: Pub Scouts. 4-7PM.
Kelly's Tavern (Oroville): Karaoke with Mora Sounds. 7-1 lPM. LaSalle's: Surrogate CD Release Show with Surrogate, Armed for Apocalypse, & French Reform. 8PM. Lakeview Restaurant (Oroville): Carey Robinson Jazz. 6-9PM. Laxson Auditorium: Keeping Dance Alive! - Eclectic Dance Concert. 7:30PM. $14/$16/$18. Lost On Main: Fever Fridays with DJ Jigga Julee & DJ Freakbeatz. Dress to impress! 9PM-2AM. Maltese: Fabulous Friday LGBTQA+ Dance Party. 9PM. Peeking: BassMint - Electronic Dance Party. 9:30PM. $3-5. Quackers: Live DJ. 9PM. State Theater (Oroville): The Drowsy Chaperone. 7:30PM. $5/$10/$15. T-Bar: Live music 7-8:30PM. Tackle Box: Live music with Billy Lund & Whiskey Weekend. 9PM. Tortilla Flats: Latin Nights. Espanol & English DJ dancing with DJ (El, Kora) de Chico. Towne Lounge: The Whammy Scammies - Motown Filthy,
Walter Ego, DISO, Fat Stickies, Bonny Scott, Biggs Roller, & comedian Don Ashby. Show starts promptly at 6:45PM, 1st band at 7PM. $3. Wismer Theatre: CSU, Chico's Department of Music Theatre presents On The Verge - The Geography of Yearning. 7:30PM. $6/$13/$15.
6SATURDAY 1OOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Knitting Circle. 2-4PM. Cal Skate: Adults Only Skate Night. 9-11:30PM. $6. 18+ DownLo: 9Ball Tournament. Signups noon, starts lPM. LaSalle's: 1980NOW! 8PM. Laxson Auditorium: Keeping Dance Alive! - Eclectic Dance Concert. 2PM. $14/$16/$ 18. Lost On Main: Tracorum with Swamp Zen. 9PM. Maltese: Shout Bamalama. 9PM. Quackers: Live DJ. 8:30PMlAM. No cover. Redding Civic Center: Led Zepplica. Doors 6PM, Show 7PM. $34. State Theater (Oroville): The Drowsy Chaperone. 7:30PM. $5/$ 10/$15.
Tackle Box: Live music with Driver. 9PM. Towne Lounge: The Pershing Band. 9PM. $3. Wismer Theatre: CSU, Chico's Department of Music Theatre presents On The Verge - The Geography of Yearning. 2PM & 7:30PM. $6/$13/$15.
7SUNDAY Crazy Horse Saloon: Sunday Fun day. LaSalle's: Karaoke. 8PM. Laxson Auditorium: Menopause the Musical - Broadway Musical. 4PM & 7:30PM. $30/$38/$40/$45. Maltese: Trivia 8PM. State Theater (Oroville): The Drowsy Chaperone. 2PM. $5/$10/$15. The Tackle Box: Karaoke with DJ Shelley. 8PM. Towne Lounge: Wismer Theatre: CSU, Chico's Department of Music Theatre presents On The Verge - The Geography of Yearning. 2PM. $6/$13/$15.
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FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA • SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
ts I
Since 2007, Surrogate has been recognized as the preeminent indie-rock band in the Chico music scene. The group-consisting of singer/songwriter Chris Keene, guitarist Michael Lee, bassist Daniel Taylor, and keyboard player Daniel Martin-have been slaving away for the past few months, scrambling to complete their latest album, Post-Heroic, in time for their release show this Friday. We met at Black Lodge Studios, where Keene has been holed up mixing and mastering the final tracks, to discuss the band's two-year journey through the production of their third LP. After waiting an ample amount of time for the arrival of bassist/Synthesis legend, Daniel Taylor, the band and I decided to proceed with the interview. The first topic we tackled was the departure of drummer/ co-founding band member, Jordan Mallory. The band was sad to part ways with Mallory, but came to realize that distributing the drum duties amongst the remaining members would yield some positive benefits. Keene explained, "I think the drumming situation kind of opened a lot of doors for everybody. Nobody really claims this role, so we all kind of chip in and it's been cool:' Guitarist Michael Lee, also felt that working together to fill the void helped nurture the band's chemistry. "Everyone sharing [drumming] duties reestablished the foundation and connected us more interpersonally;' said Lee.
ideas into a brief conversation. We laughed for a minute about the understandable difficulty Keene was experiencing, and then narrowed our focus to the album's title track, "Post-Heroic:' The song was originally inspired by a phrase Keene had heard on talk radio. "It was on NPR and referring to drone wars;' recalled Keene. "There's not really too many statements in terms of pros and cons of unmanned warships and stuff, but I thought it was interesting using war or warfare as a metaphor for slowing down your life a little bit. Essentially, if you take war out of it, it boils down to 'the times they are a-changin: The world seems to not be getting any older and I do:' What made the production of Post-Heroic particularly interesting was that it came in halves. The first half was spread out over the course of a year or so ... and then their deadline came into focus. Since then the band has been working long hours, Keene especially, to put together the second half. This experience puts the band in a unique position to describe the pros and cons of working with endless time versus being on the clock.
"I think there's definitely merit to both;' said Keene. "Putting your nose to the grindstone and making it happen can yield some pretty interesting things that you would second-guess if you had a ton of time. But it's definitely a little bit more stressful as well, so I think I prefer a little bit more time:'
It was at this point in the interview that Taylor walked in, grabbed a beer, and explained the reason for his delay, which we agreed would remain off the record (he was pooping). He arrived just in time to talk about the band's plans for promoting Post-Heroic. For starters, they've launched a music video for the song, "Lovers:' Touring, however, is somewhat out of the question for the band due to various life obligations. Taylor remains hopeful that by reaching out to blogs and online publications, they'll be able to generate a comparable buzz and confirm that the band is alive and well.
"We can't play in LA or Austin, but we CAN be on the blogs that are from there;' said Taylor. "If you get a few people to bite, others can be like, 'Oh that band is on X magazine or X blog and maybe I should write about them for my blog or whatever: So that's our alternate. Since we can't tour, we tour the digital airwaves:' Surrogate will celebrate the release of their new album with a performance at La Salle's this Friday, April 5th with support from local acts, Armed For Apocalypse and French Reform. The show is 21 +,starts at SPM, and includes a free download code with the entry fee of $8.
by Nolan Ford
In the past, Keene has been identified as the sole songwriter of Surrogate, but with the addition of Lee-an accomplished guitarist and songwriter in his own right-I was curious how the collaboration process had evolved over the years. Lee confirmed that Keene is still the man behind the curtain, but that the rest of the band members all play active roles deciding the arrangement of the melodies, riffs, and chord progressions originally composed by their frontman. The unanimous feeling amongst the group is that Post-Heroic achieves a bigger, rocktype sound that distinguishes it from their previous, more folk-inspired efforts. Lee commented that the album has "more grit" and that there are only two songs featuring acoustic guitar. Keene added, "It wasn't necessarily like, 'There will be no acoustic on this record: It was just kind of the way it unfolded, which is novel for us:' When it came time to discuss the lyrical content of the album, Keene began to cite a couple songs with similar themes but then paused to release a long sigh, indicating his discomfort with the challenge of paraphrasing an entire album's worth of
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APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
WHY ARE YOU SMILING? Kenneth Kelly kenneth.kellyl2@gmail.com
Puppet Show I've been watching a lot of Charlie Kaufman movies lately. Kaufman's the guy who wrote the screenplays for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Adaptation, and Being John Malkovich (where John Malkovich becomes John Cusack's puppet). I'm especially drawn to movies, books, or plays that can make me laugh while breaking my heart. My affinity for this type of art doesn't come out of sentimentality, but rather because it more accurately depicts life. Life is hilarious, stupid, and silly. Life also sucks. It's filled with assholes and douche bags (like the frat boys walking around on Cesar Chavez Day, chugging cervesas and somehow finding a way to wear a sombrero backwards). But life isn't all good or all bad, either. It's both at the same time. Life is like the moment after Oedipus gouges out his eyes ... and then slips on a banana peel. So what's one to do with a life such as this? That wasn't a rhetorical question. I was asking you. Did you really think I had an answer for it? I can barely string together 500 words without using a bunch of superfluous parentheticals (meta!). I'm nowhere near equipped to tackle life's mysteries. Hell, I couldn't even figure out Encyclopedia Brown as a kid, and probably still couldn't. As dumb as I am, though, at least I'm smart enough to recognize that my brain is more complicated than simply recognizing some-
thing as only funny, or only sad, or only one way and not the other. I see all the little con tradictions in other people's actions, as well as within my own wants and desires, but that's as far as I get. I have no way to interpret them. Thus, I am ill-equipped to make decisions. Instead, I let myself be carried through life as if on strings. It's why I write fiction. It's necessary for me to be able to understand (or at least think I understand) the infinitesimally tiny fraction of the universe I occupy. It's not even a choice for me to write. It's a compulsion. I told a friend that I wrote 16 pages of a short story in a day over spring break and she told me she couldn't imagine doing something like that for fun. While the short story has been surprisingly fun to write (usually the only fun part about being a writer is the inherent alcoholism), I wasn't doing it for fun. I don't even consider myself the one writing the story. The story already exists. It's just pulling on my strings, using me as a puppet to let it out into the world. I can't stop thinking about it (this article was just a roundabout way for me to talk about it). It's a story, like Kaufman's, that's both happy and sad. Hopefully it'll make me-its vessel-as rich and famous as a short story writer can be (that is to say, not very).
FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA • SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
11
I
~ V 'N ON THE lio'W
PHOTOS BY VINCE LATHAM FACEBOOK.COM/VANGUARD.PHOTOGRAPHY
Homicidal Clown Grants Interview With Local Radio Personality by Liller Miller LM: Did you find yourself battling alcohol abuse like many alumni? NO: I can drink like a champ. First of all, I've been drinking Jameson since I was two, and I live in Chico. I also practice martial arts, so my liver and I are pretty much triathletes.
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facebook.com/chicoca
LM: I'm sitting here with Nickels O'Brian, who is the suspect in at least seven murder cases in Butte County. He has eluded police since his first known homicide on March 17th. Nickels, welcome to the show.
NO: I really think people need to stop being so judgemental and realize I'm just a normal guy. I'm actually pretty sensitive. I cried when Old Yeller died. I also bawled LM: Who would you say was your biggest influence in becoming a sociopath? my eyes out after reading Where The Red Fern Grows, and had to leave the theater NO: I have always admired Pennywise from during Marley And Me. Why are dog movStephen King's, It. That guy has creeped out ies so sad? Anyways, I'm like any other west-coaster who wears socks with sandals so many people. But quite honestly, I think because I get athlete's foot and it's the most I have just been given a gift. I'm not the typical "his father didn't love him" type. My comfortable solution. I watch football on father loved me very much, right up until he Sundays, eat chicken wings and celery, and died doing the scarf trick. It wasn't particudrink domestic beer. larly traumatizing; I mean, he died doing what he loved. LM: Do you have a favorite NFL team? NO: Thanks for having me.
LM: I see. So what made you decide to start this murderous rampage?
NO: Of course! The NY Jets because they are a joke.
NO: I don't know... What made you decide to wear that god-awful pirate blouse to this interview? I guess I have always been offended by the typical American celebration of St. Patrick's Day. They know nothing about Irish culture. When the English invaded Ireland in the 17th century, they declared traditional Gaelic names illegal. Can you imagine my name just being Nickels Brian?
LM: Interesting. What sets you apart from other murderers?
LM: I suppose not. You do seem rather educated? NO: Absolutely, Liller. I actually graduated from Chico with a Masters degree in BS.
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APRIL 1 - APRIL 7, 2013
LM: Okay ... If there was one thing you wanted the public to know about you, what would it be?
NO: I like to get creative with my killing. My first victim-I tickled her feet until she died. If I stab someone, it's going to be with a banana, not a knife. If I shoot somebody, I will shoot lye out of my shamrock bowtie and bum their eyes out. LM: Okay, well it looks like we're out of time. In closing, what do you think is the main current issue that this community should be concerned with? NO: We really need to focus on gun control. It's just not safe out there anymore.
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
MAKE ROOM FOR DANNY
ON THE TOWN
PHOTOS BY JESSICA SID
Danny Cohen
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It's Not A House, It's A Home I hard-boiled the turned chicken broth (adding lumaconi from Calabria, a pinch of tarragon, paprika, and pepper). Served with forgotten stale Cheez-lts (pinch-hitting for matzoh), 'melba-fied' stale rye with cream cheese, and a tannic syrah; I made a Seder out of it. Tiny grease ants appeared in groups of three. Ordinarily, I'd commune with them for days, but the house was being inspected by the prospective buyer so I blew them into the sink (my squirt guns were in a yardsale box, though the condo outlawed them). "They've been sent by God!" said the subcutaneous narrator to a biblical epic. A family of deer were nativity-placed in my yard on a "soft spring evening" (with clouds from Port Ligat). The deer was my totem; a gentle, sedentary creature, who can suddenly rear up and kick ass with its hooves. The rattlesnake is my auxilliary totem. Didn't Poe's Roderick Usher torch the place when the house, his family, and his own mind turned on him? I too look forlorn and stupified holding a candle. The family portraits will shrivel and incinerate from white to black, via a cascade of yellows. The ghost of my father (Sebastian Medina to my Nicholas) cries, "DON'T cut your hair the NIGHT before the inspection!" like a petulent Vincent Price.
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There are two chairs at my round table. There's always one for Elijah, the unseen guest. My 2PM mini-Seder didn't count, as Passover begins at sundown. At 9:30, I replicated the repast---0nly cilantro served as the bitter herbs (of Paradise bondage). Taboo tomatoes were made kosher with olive oil and salt (which plays a big role, despite the media's new report about it's stroke-inducing properties). I put more Cheez-lts in the soup in lieu ofmatzoh balls (to avoid the chloraformed tap water and my filthy hands rolling them). I nixed the hard-boiled egg, lamb, and Manesheiwitz, which is why I never drank wine (like Dracula) until I was 19. The house, and all its appliances, was sold on the Ides of March. My three siblings took a "lowball" cash offer (though 30%would go to mortgage, realtors, and fees) SOK below comparable units, despite the market surge. "Look, a spider!" remarked the realtor, then pointed out pinhead tile ruts and cracked AC outlet covers. Maybe the "suppies" will barter themselves into a comer of cobwebs and spider detritus.
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The Cheez-lts will sustain me, like baby Kal-el's molecular density. I have 30 days to decimate 30 years of yard sale and thrift store effluvia, and find a tacky little Chico apartment. Why did The Prisoner's #12 even want to escape The Village? To roll in Eurotrash like a cockapoo on a dead hamster? To "roam the Earth, like Caine in Kung-Fu?"
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SCENE REPORT words by Mr. Snrub Black• photo by Cletus Yokel
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"No Teacher Left Behind" Recently, Senator Barbara Boxer has been criticized by fellow Democrats for not giving away enough money-some of them ruthlessly alluding to her Judaism. The California senator responded-echoing her '82 campaignwith an emphatic "Barbara Boxer Gives a Damn'' and promised swift action to appease her litigants. The ex-New Yorker put her dough where she blows and initiated legislation that is now being called both radical and landmark. Effective immediately (roughly three years, five months, and two days in political time), California educators of all levels will be paid for the hours they work, rather than the traditional "one-quarter of total hours worked" that they've been accustomed to. Piggybacking on undeveloped counterpart, "No Teacher Left Behind;' is stirring debate throughout the state and beyond. A spirited debate over Boxer's bill ensued just yesterday. Cletus Yokel, founder of the National Association for Ruining Democratic Stuff (NARDS), literally booed the Senator as she stepped from the podium. He had this to comment afterward: "Outrageous! This hippie Senator is distracting us from the real key issue-our military's dangerously low number of tanks:' Liberal psychology instructor Buddy Green chimed in as well: "They pay the farmers not to grow; they should pay some of us not to teach. I mean, wouldn't you rather have uneaten apples than unemployed people? Makes sense to me:' The most stern voice of the afternoon, however, came from presidential advisor
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Rusty Blackhart (R), whose proposed amendment to the bill (AKA "The Big Five Amendment") would restrict the type and amount of teachers who are allowed to move up to the middle class under "No Teacher Left Behind'.' Blackhart is head of DEAF, Department of Executing and Administering Fates, which decides the salary levels of all occupations in the US. "America rewards certain values;' said Blackhart, "and if you're not in the field of Sports and Entertainment, then you've got to answer 'yes' to at least one of the Big Five if you wanna be a team player and make a decent salary:' Will you be assisting in the design or production of any instruments or vehicles which would allow the US to more efficiently kill people from other countries? Will you be taking advantage of the sick, disabled, or elderly? Will you be causing or exploiting the insecurities of otherwise normal people? Will you be manufacturing or distributing products related to those insecurities? Are you a relative of any current or former US politician? Inside sources indicate that President Obama is against his advisor's amendment and enthusiastically supports Senator Boxer. An unconfirmed quote from the president, however, could be a blow to the Democrats' urgency: "I'll take care of it;' said Obama, "just as soon as I beat Tiger on a full 18'.'
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Synthesizers In The Outfield
Nolan Nick Bethany Katya Sara Dain Michaela
"Planet of Women" - Sonny & The Sunsets "Nikes On My Feet"- Mac Miller "Sucked The Life" - Wanderings of and Illustrative Mind "Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangs ta" - Geto Boys ''Tiger Phone Card" - Dengue Fever "Girlfriend" - The Biebs "Ne Me Ouitte Pas" - Regina Spektor
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Last Wednesday, the Synthesis softball team "The Synthesizers" had its first game of the season. It was, to put things gingerly, a learning experience. The 007s rickrolled us, 18-2. But we're not letting that get us down. Plenty of teams have begun a season poorly, only to win the whole shebang. The 1989 Indians lead by Charlie Sheen
and the 1993 Cubs lead by Gary Busey come to mind. We've got the time and the talent to turn things around. Pat Hull looks like Yeah-Yeah at short, and Jen Cartier has a cannon. I don't know what kind of cheese she serves when catering, but on the diamond it's all high, stinky Limburger. Nolan Ford was racking up strikeouts. Too bad he was pitching to his own team.
CROWDSOURCE chico facebook p Samantha Sanchez I called my mom and told her I was pregnant with my 3rd child at 22 yrs old she freaked it wasn't tru 2 weeks later ion Easter day found out I really was pregnant karma!! Like · Reply·~ 4 · Tuesday at 11:3 5am via mobile Luke Visinoni Woke up as a woman once ... man ... that was a good one. Like· Re ply·~ 3 ·Tuesday at 11:26a.m Pam Earnest Caves sew up the opening in the boxers Like· Reply·~ 2 ·Tuesday at 11:45a.m via mobile
ADOPT ME! Sir Paul is an elegant, dignified cat who will keep you excellent company in accordance with the laws of chivalry!
Rich Loomis I had to run out to the store. When I came home, I walked in the door and my 12-year-old daughter was walking down the hallway, cheeks all puffy and red, crying, and holding her hand out in frnnt of her. I looked in her hand and it was a tooth and she had blood all around her mouth. She said she had fallen and broken her tooth. She smiled and her front tooth was missing. Well, the r;eal story, while I was gone she had gotten fake blood, used black makeup to bla.c k out her tooth, and found one of her baby teeth tflat the 11 tooth fair/' had kept to make it look mon "realn. Like· Reply·~ 3 ·Tuesday at 2:23pm Brad Jenkins Announced that I got engaged on FB Like· Reply·~ 2 ·Tuesday at 12:04pm via mobile
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ARIES Your public life and your social connections are emphasized this week. You continue to move powerfully with your own ambitions and goals. Be extra patient and relaxed on Tuesday, as extra challenges are bound to confront you at work. Thursday and Friday are best for social gatherings and people-pleasing. The weekend is good for a spiritual retreat or just staying at home and laying low. Take time to finish off projects you began several weeks ago.
TAURUS Good things come to those that are able to wait patiently. Tuesday and Wednesday are luckier days for you. If something needs an extra nudge or push, these are better days to work on things. Pay attention to your dream life. Learn to read the signs. Numerology, astrology, and the spiritual significance of animals may lead you to some deeper truths. Continue to help others that are isolated and cultivate a deeper compassion. Complete unfinished business.
GEMINI It's up to you to take in the information and to come up with a reasonable solution for what needs to be done. The art of being loving is best instilled at an early age. Teenagers and adolescents especially need extra love and attention. Reparations need to be enforced to ensure that the injured party can recover fully. Thursday and Friday are good for research, travel, and pushing your luck. Good friends are all around you. Be confident enough to move forward
LEO You're on a quest for a higher love and a higher wisdom. Travel, education, philosophy, and foreign cultures are where you'll do well. When you're excited about something that you've learned, it's that much easier to convey that enthusiasm to others. Begin the week by being in touch with your heart and the people and things you love. Thursday and Friday are best for negotiations and confronting challenges. Be aware that you are luckier than usual.
LIBRA The soulmate search seems to be constantly on for you. You are a people-pleasing person that needs the assurance of others to somehow stay grounded. You may possess the paint, while someone else has the paintbrush. I think it's time we negotiate a deal. Love and lust are two different things. Love is more of a choice on values, while lust is just a chemical reaction. Thursday and Friday are super power days for you this week. Allow yourself time to flirt with others.
SAGITTARIUS You seem ready to have so much fun that you could explode. You are more aware of your creative potential. Lovemaking and being more loving are big themes this week. Monday is your strongest day with the moon in Sagittarius. Be resourceful about new ways of being creative. A good example of this is an artist that used a bicycle handle bar and blew in it to make noise and eventually music like a flute. Partnerships will help you take things further.
AQUARIUS This time of year has you wanting to take short trips into the natural world Life is for learning and you are on a mission to expand your personal knowledge. This is also a time where vehicular maintenance and being able to be mobile is a big issue. The moon will be in Aquarius Thursday and Friday. Be ready for spontaneous social gatherings and meetings designed to prepare us for the future. Stay close to siblings, neighbors, and childhood friends.
CANCER Laughter continues to be the best medicine. You have a bit more responsibility than usual. Do things to improve your relationship with your coworkers. Everyone's emotions and moods seem to have higher highs and lower lows. Learn to be OK with a number of situations, good or challenging. Your intuition is strong and so is your imagination. The weekend looks good for travel and education as well as exploration into unknown territory.
VIRGO We pride ourselves on being independent and self-sufficient. However, no one comes into this world alone. Some desires require two in order to to be fulfilled. We have to die to something in order to have a new life or experience. It's time for you to give something up in order to make room for something better. Tuesday and Wednesday are good for creative expression as well as for experiencing Eros and an awakened libido. Pay debts and say "thank
SCORPIO Satisfaction comes through dedicated service and a willingness to improve things. Love is the greatest service anyone can offer. Make other people feel like their needs count. By being charitable and by gifting others, we invite greater health and a more positive outlook on our lives. This week can be summed up with "do unto others as you would have them do unto you:' When we consider the needs of others, we become bigger people. Avoid junk food, sleep more, and stay healthy.
CAPRICORN Being fearful doesn't necessarily stop bad things from happening. In fact, fear blinds us to the potential for good in any challenging situation. Getting rid of family phobias requires a huge willingness to explore our less rational side. Change is difficult. Stop blaming your parents and try to do the best you can with what you've got. The moon will be in Capricorn late Monday night through Wednesday. You are conscious of how to build a better foundation of trust and integrity.
PISCES Being practical counts for much these days. If you need something, look for it used or second-hand first. Being resourceful and prudent with your income counts for much. Help others that are less resourceful than you. Sing spiritual songs and enjoy music more. Take the time to prepare a gourmet meal for yourself. The weekend features the moon in Pisces. Look at the many blessings you have. Give thanks for having the ability to manifest.
you'' to those that help you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY: Amanda Rouse 4/3/70, Julie Light 4/7/59, Jerry Brown 4/7/38 Koz McKev is on You Tube, on cable 11 BCTV. is heard on 90.lFM KZFR Chico, and also available by appointment for personal horoscopes. Call (530)891-5147 or e-mail kozmickev@sunset.net
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