Synthesis Weekly July 8-14, 2013

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Music to Die By

pg. 8

Be Prepared

pg. 18 The Exciting Conclusion! pg. 20

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INSIDE THIS WEEK'S ISSUE

IMMACULATE INFECTION

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THE ROAD WILL

END!rftlamingbowlingball sized meteors come hurtling through space and falling from the sky, at least you'll have the perfect soundtrack for the end times. Jeremy Votava, Musical Correspondent of Doom, has a precious moment with Armed For Apocalypse.

PUT A FORK '-------'---"-------' IN IT

COMICAL RUMINATIONS

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BALLROOM BUNKER If anybody is going to win at having the best apocalyptic party shelter, it'd be Amy. Check out her Ultimate Bunker blueprint.

WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

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SEXYTIMES

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DOOMSDAY PREPPERS! Get the lowdown on the showdown! What you should be hoarding, canning, planning, and saving for in the case of a catastrophic disaster or national emergency.

REVIEWS

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syn.the-sis

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THE LUCKIEST MAN: PART IV

The exciting conclusion of our crazy fun SciFi serial by Andy Hanson! If you missed the other 3 parts, check out synthesisweekly.com/authorI Andrew

The composition or combination of parts or elements so as to form a whole b: the production of a substance by the union of chemical elements, groups, or simpler compounds or by the degradation of a complex compound c : the combining of often diverse conceptions into a coherent whole; also : the complex so formed

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Sara Calvosa sara@synthesis.net

I'm Pretty Sure It's Upon Us. The pestilence, the volcanoes, the end of days! And what's worse than this suffocating heatwave? How about when somebody asks you to stop complaining about it. So you're whining about this miserable, cloying heatstink, and somebody says, "I get it! It's hot, quit complaining. You think this is hot? I lived in Africa/Las Vegas/Death Valley/The Mantle of the Earth!" Or maybe you've said something like this to somebody else in a fit of heatrage because you can't take it when you hear your own inner monologue being vocalized through somebody else's nasally, hot-breathed whine.

Anyway, everybody just needs to shut up. I can't concentrate through all this hot.

And I, for one, am no longer giving any fucks about anything. I'm wearing as little clothing as possible. I'm tired of feeling like I need to wring out my sweat-soaked underpants after I've been in the car for 10 seconds. Sitting on restaurant seats, leaving two drippy, sweaty imprints of my hiney. There must be layer after layer of dried up sweaty butt-prints ...

Things I won't be doing until the fall: hugging people, wearing anything on my arms, blow drying my hair, giving any fucks.

Might as well rock.

So, about this Doomsday Issue of the Synthesis. Jeremy Votava kicks it off with a radtastic feature about Chico's favorite brutal rockband, Armed For Apocalypse. If you love feeling like your ears are being violated by fire-breathing undead gila monsters wearing little jackets made of nails, then get your badass ears down to their CD release parties!

Also, Amy gives us some lovely ideas for the ultimate bunker, and I bring you wise words from a Butte County Doomsday Prepper. Seriously, he was wise. And though I may sound like a Libertarian by saying this, I think he convinced me to do a little prepping of my own. Although, it would probably cost less and take up much less time if I just learned how to maraud the people who have already prepped.

When the SHTF, and there are meteors raining fire, the economy and the Earth collapse altogether, and/or a duck farmer on the other side of the world contracts Bird Flu and Swine Flu at the same time, I will still be standing in the ashes as a bitchin', marauding War Lord. Everybody forgets about the war lord option when they're doomsday prepping.

I mean if you're going to kill somebody to protect your food, it's the same as killing somebody to take their food. Killing is killing. And if murders are taking place no matter what, then I might as well just let everybody CIVIL DEFE NSE ALL PURPO SE else stockpile the \1 £G OA BU biscuits.

u.~!~K!D~E~-M~~A~R~~ INGRIDllNTS: WHEAT FLOUR, SUGAR, SHORTENING, CORN FLOUR, COAN SUGAR , SO Y FLOUR, SALT, UAVlNING, AND WITH BHA !BUTYL AUD HTDROXYANISOLEI, IHT CBUTYLATIO HYO ROXnOWlNEI, PROPYL GALLA TE AN D CITRIC ACID

IN PlllOPYLINE Gl YCOL ADDEO 10 PlllSUVl FAESHNlSS.

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NOW HEAR THIS! STAFF PICKS

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Fo r 19 years Th e Synthes is goal has remained to provide a fo rum fo r entertainme nt, music, humor, co mmunity awareness, o pinio ns, a nd c hange.

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MANAGING EDITOR Sara Calvosa sara@synthesis.net

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IMMACULATE INFECTION Bob Howard madbob@madbob.com

The End is Near!

When I was a kid, I fantasized about the end of the world-or more accurately, about surviving in a post-apocalyptic world.

Growing up in the midst of the Cold War, with daily reports on the nuclear armaments possessed by the United States and the Soviet Union, it wasn't too difficult to imagine one trigger-happy cowboy or the other flipping out and sending us all over the collective brink. There is something fascinating about the idea of starting over, even if it requires living like a scavenger and dealing with billowing clouds of hyper-toxic radiation.

I suppose Armageddon is every bit as possible today as it was back in the 1980s. If anything, the world has become even more unstable. The collapse of the Soviet Union created the potential for nuclear weapons to end up in the hands of unstable governments, or to disappear from regulation altogether.

There are violent groups of people hell-bent on causing civil unrest and destruction, driven to bring the whole system down around us. I have to admit, I'm not a great fan of"the system" either, but ra prefer the revolution to occur with greater subtlety, as the number of the fed-up grows and people devise their own ways ofliving outside of this loose network oflaws, armies, and corporations.

These days, I think there is something inherently egotistical about believing that we are living in the "End Times." People seem to relish the idea of being the last humans on the planet-or as their religion might have you believe, the last life in the Universe. Religion, specifically Christianity, seems to drive a lot of the believers in the End Times-that time when Jesus will return to Earth to pass his judgment on us pesky mortals. Having been raised with no religion, it's never made a great deal of sense to me. That being said, I have read the Book of Revelations (a few times).

I got turned on to it by one of my favorite authors, the late great Hunter S. Thompson, who said he flipped to Revelations whenever he was staying in a motel room and hadn't brought along anything to read. Thanks to the Gideons, at one point there was a Bible in just about every hotel nightstand across America.

Thompson read Revelations for its wild language and descriptions of chaos.

WANDERLUST Squaw Vall9 • ]u!J 18-21, 2013

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SEANE CORN • SHIVA REA • GURMUKH ROD STRYKER • DHARMA MITTRA Performances lry

MOBY (ACOUSTIC 8: DJ SETS) • GRAMATIK QUIXOTIC• CARAVAN PALACE• RANDOM RAB• MC YOGI 8 INTRODUCING THE WANDERLUST SPECTACULAR Talks lry JOEL SALATIN • SIANNA SHERMAN • CAMERON SHAYNE • MOBY 8: MANY MORE

Some friends of mine and I were talking about the Bible over cocktails the other night.

A lot of people hold a lot of animosity toward that collection of fables, parables, histories, and prophecies. The book is blamed for the misinterpretations and misdeeds of those who seem incapable of realizing morality, without having it spelled out for them in 5,000-year-old glyphs. For my money though, it is the most important book in our history, if only for its pervasiveness and endurance.

There isn't much in Western literature that isn't directly influenced by, or taken from, those early mythologies.

findyour true north

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JU LY 8 - JU LY 14, 2013

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PUT A FORK IN IT Jen Cartier jen.l.cartier@gmail.com

Jen's Fancy-Ass Bunker In the apocalypse, all bets are off. It's about survival. It's also going to be blatantly apparent that each day could be your last.

With that in mind, these are the items that I'd likely want to eat on each of the potentially last days of my life. If I survived, I'd be fat and happy. If not, I'd be be dead, but still fat and happy-only pale, because: bunkers.

Pop's Pizza

Inday's Filipino Food

Ike's Smokehouse

Cafe Costa Rica

Black Kettle

Cupcake Crusader

Ethel's Sweets

Tacos El Grullense

The Hunter & The Farmer

Crazy Dog

Maria's Tamales Mayhem! Gourmet Grilled Cheese

My bunker would house shelves of fine preserved foods; the walls would be laced with whole legs of cured meats on the bone. The legs could double as weapons for clocking intruders over the head. While you're swinging, you could say things like, "Oh, yeah, bitch? How about some parma ham to the dome?" Boom. Done.

Among the necessities would be wine, and plenty of it. I'd want wheels of aged cheese, cured olives, nuts, dried fruits, cartons of American Spirits (because, hey, you're probably dead anyway), boquerones, kale chips would be a nice dried-salad kind of accompaniment to the boquerones, andbecause, as our fine editor pointed out, we'd have to do something to keep the scurvy away-preserved lemons and candied citrus peel.

As we all know, kid's shows contain loads of wisdom; to prove my point, there's this: "What do you do with a scurvy pirate? Load the cannon up and fire it. What do you do with a scurvy pirate? Make him walk the plank'.' - The Backyardigans You could sing that song to everyone you've got to take out back and shoot due to scurvy.

It would certainly remind the children to eat their lemon peel.

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Also: dark chocolate. Most chocolate has about a two-year shelflife. Once the chocolate is gone there's no point in living anyway, so if you can't leave your bunker after a couple years, just call it quits. Take yourself out back and sing the scurvy pirate song.

Because vegetables are important, I'd want my grandmother's dilly green beans by the shit-ton. You could make a Thanksgiving meal out of cured meats, a couple jars of dilly green beans, dried fruit, cured olives, and nuts. You would, therefore, also preserve the intrinsically celebratory nature of humanity by holding to rituals. Because you won't know what day it is anyway, you could have Christmas every fricking day if you wanted to. And you should. Because it might be your last.

Kombu: dried kelp used for making Dashi (the base stock for dishes like miso soup).

I'd also keep bonito flakes on hand (dried fish) for stock making, and of course, dried mushrooms and miso. Who needs chicken soup when Kombu Dashi is an option?

I'd also keep rice, rice flour, and dried polenta. Yes, I'd have a gluten-free bunker.

I'd like to think I'd end up with a bunch of snobby foodies who'd want to come eat at Jen's Fancy-Ass Bunker like one of those unmarked hole-in-the wall places you find in cool cities.

And with that, I've decided my fate. I'll never get out of the food industry. It's kind of in my bones. Even in the apocalypse, I picture myself feeding people. Although instead of making money, I'd probably be trading food for practical things like toilet paper or the world's only remaining tampons heisted from Walmart before things got too ugly, by some girl who was smarter than me .

SY NTH ESISWEEKLY.COM

COMICAL RUMINATIONS Zooey Mae zooeymae@synthesis.net

Bathtub Whiskey is the Best Whiskey So. This week, all us staff writers were asked to add an "apocalyptic" theme to our columns. I thought long and hard about how that should be echoed in my writing this week ... and I came up empty. I blame the heat. I know I talk about the weather an inordinate amount every week, but seriously guyswhen it's this goddamn hot, what the fuck else am I supposed to discuss?

This climate is too hot for people to live in, I swear to god. I'd like to blame my intolerance for the heat on the fact that my ancestors are from Russia and we don't do hot weather too well. The insta-headaches and immediate sweat-drenching in the morning is too much to bear. If I could work from a bathtub filled with ice, with a bottle of Maker's, I'd never leave. I really should speak to someone at Synthesis about that. I could just be the drunk weirdo in the corner who hangs out in a bathtub all day, mumbling obscenities and yelling at the interns to bring more ice.

If I was really pressed, I guess I'd have to say that the idea of an "impending apocalypse" brings to mind the slowly declining intelligence of humans as a whole. There was a depressing factor to the movie Idiocracy, in that imagining our world sliding into a place where stupidity is revered, and people breed, fight, and masturbate at will, isn't really a far reach from the current climate. In fact, a recent article from the Huffington Post suggests that us Westerners have "lost 14 I.Q. points on average since the Victorian Era:' They report: "women of high intelligence tend to have fewer children than do women of lower intelligence. This negative association between I.Q. and fertility has been demonstrated time and again in research over the

last century. The reduction in human intelligence would have begun at the time that genetic selection became more relaxed ... this occurred as our ancestors began to live in more supportive high-density societies and had access to a steady supply of food:' Yikes. It's not all bad though, as conflicting research has been found which suggests a rise in I.Q. scores since the 1940s, "a phenomenon known as the Flynn Effect. However, experts suggest the Flynn Effect reflects the influence of environmental factors, such as better education, hygiene, and nutrition, and may mask the true decline in genetically inherited intelligence in the Western world:' Finally, all you can really do in this ungodly temperature is take cold showers and drink something cold. To aid you in this, I've in eluded the recipe of my recent favorite, the St. Germain Mojito from abeautifulmess.com Ingredients: Fresh mint leaves 1 oz. St. Germain 1 oz. light rum 1 TBSP honey Club Soda Lemon Lime Directions: In a tall glass, muddle 5 mint leaves with honey. Add the St. Germain, the rum, and the juices of half a lemon, and half a lime.

Add ice and top off with club soda, mixing well. Garnish with lime and enjoy!

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JULY 8 - JULY 14, 2013

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APOCALYPSE MEOW. No stranger to the lifestyle of Nick, Kirk, Corey, and Cayleknown collectively as Armed for Apocalypse-I arrived at their rehearsal space and Repetition Industries headquarters with a cooler stocked full of ice-cold Busch beer, their liquid mascot of choice. Over a few cold ones we discussed how to keep your Chuck Taylors squeaky clean. (*Magic Eraser... now you know.) We then dove into the early history of this sludgy four-piece band from Chico that has worked relentlessly to leave their imprint on the world of metal.

There is an obvious intimidation factor-with a name like "Armed for Apocalypse" and the wall of sound that comes along with it-but I assure you, in their hearts, these boys are nothing but Heavy Metal Teddy Bears.

Having known each other for over eleven years, the metal soldiers in Armed for Apocalypse are a tight-knit family.

Drummer Nick Harris remembers his introduction to Kirk Williams (guitar/vocals) and Corey Vaspra (bass/vocals) when Cayle Hunter (guitar/vocals) invited him to a show at the Brickworks in 2002-back when it was mosh pits and cheap beer, not extensive dancefloors and spiked slushies. "Cayle brought me to a show where Oddman, and Brain in a Cage played, and I was so jealous! These kids were fourteen years old!"

Their musical skills make sense when considering three of the four were introduced to piano, guitar, and drums by the tender age of five, with the other picking up the saxophone at age ten. With experience in over 17 bands between them, their training in the real world of writing, recording, and touring far surpasses that of most local artists. Whereas most of us are acclimated to simple, friendly, local reviews of

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our endeavors, A4A genuinely thrusts themselves into the world's public eye, both by world tours and online sharing, which can be a bit intimidating.

"They have no attachment to it whatsoever, and they have no clue how much work and heart you put into it, so you have to be ready for that;' says Hunter. "If you can't handle that, you should just not leave your garage:' "So far, everybody has been really positive though;' adds Williams. "They all say it is better than the last:' An interesting adjustment to being covered by foreign media is that they often have to translate what is being said about them. Even if it isn't the most glowing review, their immediate reaction, as Vaspra puts it, is simply: "Wow... somebody is writing about us!"

July 23rd marks the release of their second record, titled The Road Will End. The title may leave you wondering what is next for the band, but they reassure us that it is simply their way of "recognizing the fact that all roads come to

an end" and a reminder to "live life on your terms'.' This is something that Armed for Apocalypse has set out to do since their inception. Despite recently signing a new record deal with Ironclad Recordings, they aren't riding around in limousines with pockets full of cash. Not yet, anyway.

"I think the most [misunderstood] part is that people think if you have a record deal and you go on tour, it means you have money. I don't really know where that comes from anymore. I think people mistake being visible for being famous;' expounds Hunter. "You have to be dedicated to it and you have to love it. If you're looking for money or fame, you're gonna be constantly frustrated. Our angle is to love what we are doing'.'

The dedication and teamwork of these four is obvious to friends and fans alike, which is exemplified by their constant road work.

"I don't know any other adult males who would sleep in a truck stop or a parking lot, in the middle of Texas or wherever, and have like eleven dollars between them, and just be smelly and gross and hot and fucking broke ... and just be happy;' Hunter explains. "This band, and all bands are a lot of work, if you wanna take them seriously:' "That's really a great way to learn a life lesson;' adds Williams. "If you're chasing after money and security, you're probably gonna be disappointed'.'

"We have friends who have plenty of money, and they'll look at us all jealous, and were like 'Dude, you're a fucking dentist, how jealous of us could you be?"'

An A4A bio from several years ago stated that being in the band "has been hard

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

the entire time, but if it wasn't hard, everyone would do if' This rings true for A4A to this day, as they not only recorded and produced their album on their own, they are also handling their own merchandising, including the printing of everything from T-shirts to beer koozies to skate decks.

see if anybody bites: That works for some bands, but for us, we would rather have someone who legitimately loves our band'.'

be witness to Williams leading the band in what he referred to as "synchronized squats'.'

"Perhaps we can all hold out the hope that someday we will be

"What's cool is, all the shirts and everything in the bundles .. .it's all us making it;' says Harris.

Vaspra points to the screen-printing equipment right there in the rehearsal space; "We actually had them set up to print not that long ago, and the ink is still fresh!"

witness to Williams leading the

Some might wonder what signing a record deal really means in this day and age. Considering the guys had already recorded the album on their own, is it simply publicity, promotion, and financial backing?

"That's exactly it;' explains Hunter. "They hired a publicist, and booking agents are more interested because you have someone pulling for you. Getting someone financially vested in what you are doing, means that somebody else is working to get your name and music out there. It's a partnership; it's not like they're telling us what to do:' Basically, with a larger label, they would be just a number in a huge catalogue of acts, but with their current contract they will get the attention they deserve.

Many fans, myself included, have been anxiously awaiting the release of this record, considering it has been completed for some time. In hindsight it seems obvious that the delay was a result of them shopping the record in hopes of landing the right deal, and a properly promoted release.

"We were making sure we had people who were just stoked on the album; whether they had money or not, if they're like 'I wanna put that record out, it's fucking badass!' If you have that, it goes a lot further than someone who has a ton of money and is like 'Well, let's run it up the flagpole and

band in what he referred to as 'synchronized squats'."

Another way the record label has helped is by producing a lyric video for their first single, "The Starting Line is a Trip Wire'.' Not only is this a great way for people to stream the song for free, it also spares the expense of producing a big-budget video. The band agrees that when people know the words because they've seen your lyric video, "it makes them sing along and get more involved at shows and that's fucking awesome!" Now don't get me wrong, as an audience member, I definitely sing along when I see A4A live ... I just typically have no idea what they're actually saying.

According to their recent press release, The Road Will End "promises to be a complex study in heaviness. One-finger chords and single-string riffs, complicated by sophisticated voicings and even an occasional solo. No triggers, no wanky shredding, no posturing, no cowardice, no frills'.'

Having seen all four of them swing their heads in unison while rocking out live, I had to ask them to define "frills:' Hunter explains frills as "going beyond being natural.

When you start doing things that aren't you, just for the show, [things] that you're not really feeling:' Their live shows are anything but unnatural as you can feel their emotional attachment to every single note. So, we may never see A4A in makeup or elaborate costumes, but perhaps we can all hold out the hope that someday we will

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Before I could leave, I had one final inquiry that needed to be unveiled: "If Hollywood made a movie about Armed for Apocalypse, who would play each of you?"

Cayle: "How big is the budget? For Nick, I would say. .. well, who played Predator?"

Corey: "Oh man, I just wanna go with a classic for you, Nick. I want Denzel!"

Kirk: "Cor would be Spicolli-era Sean Penn'.'

Corey: "I wanna see Steve Buscemi play you, Kirk:' Cayle: "So, who would play me?"

Corey: "John Malkovich:' Cayle: "Oh, because he's bald ... and he has a big dick or something, right?"

Kirk: "People would go see that movie, I think:'

Personally... I would set up camp outside the theater for days to see it.

Surrounding the release of their sophomore effort, the band has also launch ed their new website: a4aband.com. This is not only where you will find the aforementioned lyric video and future tour dates, but you can also choose from several pre-order bundles for the record. They will also be hosting two release parties. The first is an all-ages show at Cafe Coda on July 11th, at which your entry fee not only allows you to hear the new record in its entirety from front to back, but you will also receive a hand-numbered and signed, full-color Matt Loomis original poster from the show. The second is a 21 + show at LaSalles on July 19th, where you will also receive a special limited-edition item with paid entry.

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by Amy Olson Most likely if there's a nuclear holocaust or a giant meteor hits the earth, I don't actually want to survive. What would be the point of crawling out of your bunker a year or five after the fact, and then spending the rest of your miserable life in a horrific wasteland? Just ask the dinosaurs-they took one look at that bullshit and offed themselves using tar pits and rocks and stuff.

_.

r .,

I could totally handle being left behind after the Rapture though: waiting out the famine and pestilence and the Whore of Babylon riding the seven-headed beast and whathave-you, and then building a new society with all the sinners and heathens. The same goes for economic collapse or a flu pandemic. I would look kick-ass in a Tina Turner/ Beyond Thunderdome outfit.

There are certain necessities that may be more necessary to me than to other people. I weigh quality of life very highly alongside survival-and to me, quality is defined by soothing my need for efficiency, and a significant amount of sensory indulgence.

Food, Exercise, and Energy Cooking indoors in a bunker may sound like a big pain in the ass/potential risk of carbon monoxide poisoning, but it can be both fun and productive. There are certain things that just have to happen, so it's best to make them multi-taskers. Riding an exercise bike to charge up batteries for running your EZ Bake Oven combines heating your meals, training for the Hunger Games Arena, and keeping your ass firm and shapely just in case you have to turn to prostitution (hey, gotta have a plan B). Speaking of Plan B, couldn't hurt to stock up on contraceptives.

Preserving your Sense of Style Some foods stand up very well to canning, and offer an interesting variety if you plan ahead and make them yourself: soups, stews, a plethora of internationally-themed meatand-veg-glops, fruit pie fillings (I see no reason to live in a world without pie) .... The key here is to stockpile enough of these to eat well, and to best utilize the space they'll take up.

Shelves are immovable space-wasters, and as they empty out you have nothing to look at but a depressing lack of what-once-was. I propose building walls out of them, layering the meals for optimum variety and a visually stimulating pattern; as you eat your way through the year, your space transforms and becomes more open and pleasant.

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JU LY 8 - JU LY 14, 2013

Making Entertainment Work for You What do you do with all those empty cans? Combine your crafting skills with your impending need for sexy body armor and lethal weaponry. You will need a ball-peen hammer (heh heh, ball-peen), a sturdy pair of tin snips, a metal punch, rivets, files, and of course plenty of sweet flame decals and fur pelts. Be sure to consider styles for each season, and focus on making a nod to historical and cultural references while still being innovative and fashion-forward.

This is also a great opportunity to develop some acrobalancing and juggling skills. Why? Why the hell not! What if it turns out the War Lord dominating your territory has plenty of prostitutes and warrior women, and really likes clowns? You'd feel pretty stupid if you wasted all that time reading survival books and doing push-ups.

Do You Like Luxury?

Of course you do. And what says luxury better than fluffy bunny slippers, a glass of chardonnay, and a plush recliner outfitted to double as a toilet? I know what you're thinking: Where are you going to store that much wine? Well here's the genius part of it- there's a reservoir of it in the chair!

Want Not, Waste Not Ok, all the major bases are covered. But Wait! What are you going to do with all the poop? Two words: Home Defense. Rig a system where waste storage can be fired like a water cannon at anyone stupid enough to approach your door. Sure, they claim to be desperate and seeking nothing more than a night of safe shelter from the Scorpion-tailed Locusts, but fuck them. Utilize the strategy of the Komodo Dragon: slow death by infectious bacteria. That'll teach those bunkerless interlopers.

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JULY 8 - JULY 14, 2013

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TUESDAY, JULY

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9TH

Assaulted: Civil Rights Under Fire

Albert Lee SIERRA NEVADA BIG ROOM

CINEMARK TINSELTOWN THEATRE

The Big Room is essentially the Laxson of Summer: super classy high end performances for a super classy high end ticket price.

Two time Grammy winner and guitar genius Albert Lee is known in the music industry both for his speed and technical virtuosity. In fact, Eric Clapton called him "The greatest guitarist in the world:' So yeah, he's probably OK. $20, doors 6pm, music 7:30pm

Take a moment to really consider objectively the historical and social context of the gun issue. Think about how views have changed and why, how different people have legitimate arguments on both sides, how nuanced and important an issue it really is.

What's that you say? You don't have all those facts in front of you to form a complete picture? Well go see this documentary, narrated by Ice-T, and get smarter! $12, starts at 7:30pm

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • BellySutra. 6-7pm. $8 The Bear: Bear Wear! 1/2 off while Maltese: Open Mic Night - Comedy. wearing Bear Wear. Mug Club Signups@ 8, Starts@ 9. Mug Night 4-lOpm 7-11:30pm Cafe Flo: Open Mic SingerSongwriter Night with Aaron Jaqua.

The Bear: Bear-E-oke! 9pm Cafe Flo: Live Jazz Happy Hour with 7-9pm Carey Robinson Trio. 5-7pm Crazy Horse Saloon: All-request DownLo: Pool League - 3 player karaoke. 21 +. teams, signup with bartender. 7pm DownLo: DJ Dancing with DJ Ron Last Call Lounge: Karaoke. 8pmDare 12am The Hub: Salsa Tuesdays. IntermediWoodstock's: Spelling Bee For the ate lesson 7: 15-8: 15pm, $8. Beginners Grown Ups. 6:30-7:30pm lesson 8:15-9pm, $5. Just dancing 9pm.$2 Sierra Nevada Big Room: Albert Lee, two time Grammy award winLaSalle's: '90s Night. 21 +. ning Guitarist. Doors open 6pm, Maltese: Karaoke 9pm-Close.

Studio Inn Lounge: Karaoke music starts at 7:30pm. Optional buffet served before the show. $20.

8:30pm-lam Dex: Gyro Spazzers Tour Kickoff Park Avenue Pub: Hanging by a Bio Crisis (TJ Crust/HC/Metal), String Band. 7-9pm Fractal (TJ Post HC), Blaster Dead The Tackle Box: Karaoke 9pm (Chico Two Piece Experimental Woodstock's: Trivia Challenge. Call Punk), Criminal Wave (Chico Surfy @ 4pm on date to reserve a table.

HC Punk), Gyro Spazzers (Redding 6:30pm Intrumental Surf). All Ages. $5. 8pm Farm Star Pizza: Live Jazz with Shigemi & Friends. 7-9pm Dex: Teen Dance Tuesday. 7pm All Ages, llpm 18+ Nick's Night Club: Game Night. 21 + lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: DownLo: Months oflndecision (Oly, Intermediate Bellydance class with

8 MONDAY

9 TUESDAY

WA), Addie Pray (Oly, WA), Fera, Feather Falls Casino: Dance Club.

Dress to impress! 9:30pm. $5 cover and A. Malik. No Cover. 9pm includes one drink.

Cinemark Tinseltown Theatre: Assaulted: Civil Rights Under Fire. A Tackle Box: Swing Dance Wednesdocumentary exploring the issue of day, classes 7-9pm. gun control. $12. 7:30-9:24pm VIP Ultra Lounge (Inside The Beach): Laurie Dana. 7-9pm.

Woodstock's: Trivia Night plus Happy Hour. Call @ 4pm on date to 1OOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Open reserve a table. 8pm.

Mic. Singers, songwriters, musicians, 7:30-9:30pm. $20.

King's Tavern: DJ Dancing. 9pm. vocalists and comedians. All ages.

Maltese: live Music. 9pm.

7pm.

The Bear: Trike Races. Wint-shirts Jesus Center: Derelict Voice and Bear Bucks. Post time lOPm. Writing Group, everyone welcome.

9-10:30am.

Mug club 4- lOpm. Dex: Hip Hop Wednesday. $6.

Cafe Flo: Way Out West Country Showcase featuring The Blue Merles 8:30pm Monstros: Urban Waste (NY), Out 7-9:30pm of Tune, Born Into This, Icko Sicko.

Crazy Horse Saloon: Swing Dance $5. All Ages. 8pm Wednesday. 8- lOpm Chico Women's Club: West African Manas Artspace: Open Entry ExDance with Imelda Mata. Live drum- hibit. Explore human nature from the top to the bottom, and the bottom to ming. 5:30-7pm. $10.

Chico Women's Club: Ecstatic the top, anything goes! reception on Dance. Live music played by the 7/19. Submit work 7/10-13, 12-5pm Farm Star Pizza: Butte Humane TranceFormation Band. 7: 15pm.

DownLo: 8 Ball Tournament. SignSociety Supper Club. 4-9pm ups 6pm.

Duffy's: Dance night! DJ Spenny and Jeff Howse. 9pm. $1.

lOWEDNESDAY

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St OFF Pops-size Piel Hours: Mon-Wed & Friday 11am-8pm @ Spike's Bottle Shop 1270 East 1st Avenue 530.864.2760

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WEDNESDAY, JULY

lQTH

FRIDAY, JULY 12rH

Urban Waste, Out of

Slice of Chico

Tune, Born Into This, Icko Sicko

DOWNTOWN CHICO Yaaaaaay! Watermelon is delicious. It has red juicy flesh that melts on your tongue into a sweet explosion of summertime delight. Sometimes there are little black seeds, but that's ok, you can just spit them out. When it's served icy cold it's the most refreshing, wonderful thing ever-especially when it's free and handed to you by smiling strangers. Also there will be sidewalk sales all over the place.

9am

MONSTROS Urban Waste comes out of NYC to give you a glimpse of the hardcore punk renaissance they were a part of in the early 1980s. Described as "raw, visceral, and overtly confrontational:' Rip your clothes like you don't give a fuck about nice clothes and then safety pin them back together, because you don't want them to fall apart, and regular pins would poke you. All ages show is only $5, music starts at 8pm

• •• • ••• • •• • • •• • • •• • • •• • •• • • •• • • •• • ••• • ••• • •• • ••• • ••• • •• • ing. 9:30pm-1:30am. 21+. No Cover.

Cafe Coda: Armed for Apocalypse DownLo: Chico Jazz Collective every (CD release), Death Valley High, Thursday. Followed by Mark Sexton Horseneck, and Sorin. $8 cover inTrio. 8pm. cludes a free poster! All ages. 8pm Downtown Chico: Thursday Night Grass Valley Fairgrounds: California Market. 6-9pm.

Center. 7-8:30pm Duffy's: Pub Scouts - Happy Hour.

4-7pm.

Kelly's Tavern (Oroville): Karaoke with Mora Sounds. 7-11 pm Lakeview Restaurant (Oroville): Carey Robinson Jazz. 6-9pm.

Graduate: Red Bull Movie Night.

Worldfest Maltese: Fabulous Friday LGBTQA + Cafe Flo: The Harmed Brothers, Sons Dance Party. 9pm. lOpm. Grana: Live Jazz w/ John Seid 5:30ofJefferson, Heather Michelle. All Peking Chinese Restaurant: 8:30pm.

Ages. $5. 7pm BassMint electronic dance party with Has Beans: Open Mic Night. 7- lOpm. Feather Falls Casino: Mind Boglocal and regional DJs. $3-$5, 9:30pm Sign-ups start@6pm.

Quackers: Live DJ. 9pm. gling Dinner Show. Comedy, magic, Lakeview Restaurant (Oroville): ventriloquism, and more from Andy T-Bar: Live music 7-8:30pm Carey Robinson Jazz.

Tortilla Flats: Latin Nights.

Gross. $35-$60. 6pm & 8pm 6-9pm.

Espafiol & English DJ dancing with LaSalle's: Happy Hour on the patio.

DJ El Kora de Chico.

6-9pm. Live music from the FunkSultan's Bistro: Bellydance Perforanauts. No cover. mance, teo soloists featured. 6:30lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Maltese: Karaoke 9Pm-Close.

7:30pm Writing Group. 3:30-Spm Panama's: Eclectic Nights- Buck Downtown Chico: Slice of Chico.

The Beach: DJ 2K & Mack Morris.

Night & DJ Eclectic spinning favorSidewalk Sales and Free Watermelon!

9pm-close. $2, $10 VIP. ites of today and yesterday on the Lasalle's: Hooliganz Cafe Coda: Friday Morning Jazz with patio. 9pm.

Quackers: Karaoke Night with Andy. Bogg. llam Crazy Horse Saloon: DJ Hot Rod 9pm-lam. and Mechanical Bull contest. 9pmVIP Ultra Lounge: Acoustic Perfor1:30am mance w/ Bradley Relf. 7-9pm. No lOOth Monkey Books & Cafe: KnitDowntown Plaza: Friday Night cover. ting Circle. 2-4pm Concert Series with Dylan's Dharma. Cal Skate: Adults Only Skate Night.

Woodstock's: Open Mic Night.

The Hub: FAME Thursdays DJ Dane- Sponsored By 12 Volt Tattoo. Free 9- l 1:30pm. $6. 18+ kids art activities hosted by Chico Art

11 THURSDAY

12 FRIDAY

13 SATURDAY

DownLo: Live music with MazAzul.

9pm. 9 Ball Tournament. Signups noon, starts 1pm LaSalle's: 1980NOW! 8pm Park Avenue Pub: Live music with Max Minardi. 6:30-9pm Quackers: Live DJ. 8:30pm- lam 1078 Gallery: Second Saturdays. A different medium will be highlighted each time Lost On Main: Perpetrator, Metal from Fort Worth, Texas. 7pm 21 + Durham: 19th annual Cruz'n Classics Car & Motorcycle Show. Begins with a pancake breakfast hosted by the Durham Exchange Club. 7am2:30pm DownLo: Vesuvians, Persian Skirts, Heather Michelle. 21 +

14 SUNDAY Crazy Horse Saloon: Sunday Funday comedy and popcorn.

Nick's Night Club: Karaoke. 8pmMidnight. 21 + 1078 Gallery: Music Think Tank.

Come have your voice heard and express your ideas for how we can cultivate and grow our art scene. 3pm

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JU LY 8 - JU LY 14, 2013

ts I

WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

ON THE TOWN â&#x20AC;˘

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Kenneth Kelly kenneth.kelly12@gmail.com

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Preparing for the Zombie-Apocalypse Apocalypse Everyone has a plan for the zombie apocalypse.

Most of these plans are stupid, considering they all start with "go-somewhere-witha-lot-of-guns-and-lootsaid-guns;' which of course would just result in a mob of people killing each other over weapons and leading all the zombies to a few locations.

Everyone seems (ill-) prepared for the zombie apocalypse, but no one seems to notice there's already an apocalypse going on: The ZombieApocalypse Apocalypse.

Somewhere around the time when the Dawn of the Dead remake and 28 Days Later came out, zombie cultured exploded, quickly proliferating and multiplying through the ranks of America until nearly the entire population had been transformed into slack-jawed zombie lovers, shuffling mindlessly into showings of World War Z and still somehow possessing the brain power to post on Facebook, "OMG! Can you believe what happened on Walking Dead?"

Yes. Yes, I can.

Why? Because everything that's happened on AMC's The Walking Dead has been done by some other form of zombie entertainment before, and zombie culture only seems to want to become more stale and repetitive, which is a shame. I used to LOVE zombies.

Night of the Living Dead was one of my favorite horror movies. I played all the Resident Evil games. Hell, I even read the shitty books based on the games. (They're still sitting on my bookshelf between the Dragonlance Chronicles and LOTR.) Even recently, I made a pretty sweet zombie deck for Magic: The Gathering. Now, though, zombies are IN and

I

t6

JULY 8 - JULY 14, 2013

they've made their way onto cable television, Brad Pitt's filmography, and even the Call of Duty franchise.

Eventually, it's all going to collapse. Like the zombies in 28 Days Later, zombie culture is going to grow too large and starve to death after being milked for all it's worth. The sad truth is: zombies aren't that cool. There really isn't much new ground to be broken with zombies.

Isn't anyone else sick of watching scenes where a family member tearfully shoots another familymember-turned-zombie, bombs dropped on a city to "quarantine'' it, and arguments between the born-leader protagonist and the dickhead-everyone-wishes-would-get-killedalready?

Even Resident Evil, the most popular zombie videogame franchise, got sick of zombies three games ago. Instead, they opted for villagers with mind-controlling parasites in their brains, which is definitely cooler than "Where'd they come from? They run too fast, no time to think!" Zombie culture nowadays is just a glorified game of tag. The survivors run, the zombies chase ... and if they catch up, the survivors are out.

We can survive the Zombie-Apocalypse Apocalypse as long as you don't give your money to the people milking every last zombie trope for all they're worth and who disregard all the things about the novel World War Z that made it more than just Brad Pitt running from and shooting zombies. And remember : if one of your friends says they just got into The Walking Dead, it's too late for them. Shoot 'em in the head and burn the body.

SYNTH ESISWE EKLY.COM

SEXYTIMES Balls McPhearson balls@synthesis.net

Dear Balls, "So I told that one guy, 'Come back and see me when you're the last man on Earth.' Do I have to bone him now? Like, for reals?"

AN ASTE RO ID IS ABO UT TO HIT THE EARTH!

HOW LONG DO WE HAVE?!

OH NO.

Friday July 1 2 Comedy

Saturday July 13

Sacramento Headliners

Convergence CD-release Party

Ray Molina and Johnny Taylor Featuring Local Openers Showtimes 7:30 and 1Opm

Did you shake on it?

A verbal contract is difficult for a court to uphold because it turns into "he said/she said:' There is no way for either side to prove their version of the contract.

WHICH IS, LIKE ... A LONG TIME . BUT NOT A SUPER LONG TIME.

JUST LO NG ENOUGH FO R US TO MAKE LO VE.

All Tickets $8 at the door

20 local musicians, 2 days in Electric Canyon Studios, 1 2 song original songs celebrating the collaborative spirit of the Chico music scene.

Featuring members of Alli Battaglia & the Musical Brewing Co., Soul Butter, The Resonators, The Party, Not Dead Yet and many more.

$8@8pm

Cyanide and Happiness © Explosm.net

I spoke to my associate Viscount LispsenardToft, Esq. and he said: "There is an old joke that 'an oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on: That's a reference to the fact that it can be very difficult to prove that an oral contract exists. Absent proof of the terms of the contract, a party may be unable to enforce the contract, or may be forced to settle for less than the original bargain. Thus, even when there is not an opportunity to draft up a formal contract, it is good practice to always make some sort of writing, signed by both parties, to memorialize the key terms of an agreement:' It would seem that you are not contractually obligated to "bone-down" but how about giving it a whirl anyway? I mean, what else do you have going on?

"How do I make my zombie boyfriend want me for my body and not my brains? What's a girl gotta do to be objectified in a post-feminism world?"

May I suggest scoping out the remnants of the local college bars and fraternity homes.

In no time your brains will have been so fucked out as to be of no interest to zombies anyhow.

'Tm in the bunker with my significant other, but my hot neighbor can run faster, jump further and may be a better choice, if it's up to me to repopulate the world. Is it ok to cheat?"

You are a horrible person.

No, really. Are you and my ex-wife BFFs? Moral turpitude aside, you are free do whatever the fuck you want. The world is in shambles, and it is advisable to remember on what side one's bread is buttered. Take stock of the potential outcomes and with whom you can work best to survive. It may be that your current less-attractive partner can hunt, gather and make shelter, whereas fancypants Baryshnikov can jump and prance all sexylike and do shit-all in the survival category.

Don't go chasin' waterfalls.

Let's face it sugartits, ain't no zombie gonna respect you for your body. If it's objectification and pleasures of the flesh you seek, you must find a being that can see you for the fine piece of ass you are, and that is certainly not going to be some shallow brainiac zombie.

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But really, do everyone a favor and die in a fire. You sound like a horrid pain in the ass.

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11

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FORTUNE FAVORS

THE PREPARED In one way or another, we're all preparing for the possibility of a future disaster. We buy car insurance in case we get in an accident, homeowner's insurance in case of a natural disaster, and health insurance so that a medical emergency doesn't equal bankruptcy. We all hope against hope that we'll never need to use our insurance, but it's our duty to be prepared.

The National Geographic show Doomsday Preppers is shining a spotlight on a sub-community of people who are taking out some extreme insurance in the event of an apocalyptic disaster. But are most modern-day preppers really as nutty as they're portrayed on TV? Or are the unprepared just burying their heads in the sand, only to become a liability to the prepared in a post-apocalyptic world?

Living in a rural community, I had the feeling that we had some preppers of our own, living on the down-low, preparing for disasters.

Mike, a prepper living in a foothill community in Butte County, gave us a peek inside the thought process behind his plans for preparedness.

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JU LY 8 - JU LY 14, 2013

You know all the grocery stores in Chico? There are two days' worth of food in all those stores put together. They

have to get resupplied every day. I can't imagine how much stuff would be left if people were panic-buying things. I guess I'm overly prudent, but I don't understand why people don't have three or four days' worth of food saved, or 20-30 gallons of water socked away. When word gets out that your next door neighbor Joe has water, and you need to feed your kids, things can get ugly. You need some way to protect your family. In a serious situation there will be a lot of Grade-A predators roaming around. If you're not prepared, and there are bands of roving gangs out looking for something to eat, you'd be terrified.

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How did you start?

I'm an avid reader of history, and it was kind of an evolution. I was a Boy Scout, and the Boy Scout motto was "be prepared'.' Also, I spent almost ten years in the Marine Corps and I've personally seen how unstable societies can be. I don't have a lot of faith in government in general. And you know, what kind of a man would I be ifI shirked my responsibilities to my family when it comes to their safety and well-being? Their well-being is my responsibility.

What are you preparing for?

There are lots of examples in

recent history where inflation has totally devastated whole economies. Our dependence on technology doesn't frighten me, but it concerns me. A lot of people don't realize that if there was a cyber attack by some unknown entity and the power grid was shut down for just a month, this country would descend into chaos. It would be nightmarish if the power grid failed. There would be rioting because nobody has anything to eat, nobody has any water.

You know, in the 1800s a coronal mass ejection fried the telegraph system in this country. If that same flare were to hit the Western Hemisphere today itCl be two years before the lights were back on. I don't want to depend on European largesse for my survival.

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I'm not one of the weirdo political people; I just don't have a lot of faith in government. Total power corrupts totally. If you're counting on the cavalry to come and save you, then you're going to be woefully surprised. Back in the '30s, Americans actually starved to death. There were a lot of deaths due to starvation and malnutrition. The government doesn't do emergencies well at all.

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How do you plan?

Short-term and long-term goals; food storage is a big part of it. My daughter, son-in-law and their three kids, my son and his fiancee, my wife and I, my best friend, his wife, and their three kids. We could close our gate tomorrow and be good for six months. It's not

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

just food storage either; I could cultivate and plant 4.5 to 5 acres of winter wheat-I've got that much seed stock. We've got supplemental proteins with eggs and milk. We have a totally independent water system, 7,000 watts of solar panels with batteries, a well. Got about 5,000 gallons of water storage. We have a small orchard with figs, apples, pears, plums, and peaches, and we have a pretty big vegetable garden. We have chickens, ducks, geese, goats, and a couple of beehives.

We have a full basement dedicated mostly to storage. The back half is floor-to-ceiling shelves. We've stored 3,000 pounds of wheat, 1,000 pounds of rice, 1,000 pounds of beans.

It's all stored in nitrogenfilled mylar bags that are sealed. We grind our own flour. And you know, most of the world lives on some form of flat bread, legumes, and rice.

My wife puts up with a lot of crap, but she bakes, milks the goats, takes care of the bees.

And she's a pretty good shot too. She's the group logistician; she keeps track of what we have on hand and what we need, and figures out how we're gonna get it.

There are really four things you need to survive: water, food, shelter, and security. I have a wood-fired water heater and a 500-gallon propane tank. This winter I'm going to build a wood gas fire unit. It turns woodchips into combustible gas to run a generator. I can run the gas fire all day on 55 gallons of chips.

What advice would you give when it comes to some basic doomsday insurance?

You know, I see all that stuff I've stockpiled and I think, "I hope it sits here forever. I hope I never need if' At the very least, get 4-5 days' worth of canned goods and some water under your belt. And take a First Aid class. Like I said, if you're waiting for the cavalry.. .it's not gonna happen. After Hurricane Katrina, there must have been horrific conditions. Hellish.

No food, no water for two weeks ... and that was just one city. Multiply that by 10 or 15, and the government just couldn't respond.

The smartest thing you can do if you live in a major metropolitan area is to move. Get out of the city. The 1919 flu pandemic was bad. In 2004-2005, for the first time in human history, half the population lived in a metropolitan area. High concentrations of the population like that? A virus spreads like wildfire.

1 ' 1

I would say that a lot of my neighbors are likeminded. Half of them are preparing to some extent.

It should be a community effort. I'm in a situation, luckily, where there are like-minded people; we've got a kind of mutual aid society going.

It seems like a lot of preppers talk about buying up gold and silver. What's that about?

It's a hedge against infla tion. If there was a total economic collapse with triple-digit inflation and the US currency became worthless, youCl need some form of currency. Silver would fit that bill ideally. The only reason our economic system works today is because people believe it works. The way our government is printing money, I think double-digit inflation is around the corner.

Once you get runaway inflation, things get pretty bad too.

What do you think about Doomsday Preppers?

I watch it and find it entertaining. I'm not sure what's going through their minds; it's like they're saying, "Come rob me!" It's much easier to be low-key than to defend it. They seem like a lot of mouth-breathers. I don't care how much food you have and how capable you are; if you can't keep it from somebody that wants to take it from you, then it doesn't do you any good.

It makes people think of us as knuckle-draggers who aren't on the ball. But most of the people I know in the prepper movement are fairly intelligent. There are a lot of professional people. The intellectuals are coming around because they can see the handwriting on the wall and know that things can't go on the way they have been, and it doesn't look like it's getting any better.

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FAMILY SUPPLY LIST EMERGENCY SUPPLIES Water, food, and clean air are important things to have if an emergency happens. Each family or individuafs kit should be customized to meet specific needs, such as medications and infant formula. It should also be customized to include important family documents.

Recommended Supplies to Include in a Basic Kit: Some of these items, especially those marked with a *can be dangerous, so please have an adult collect these supplies.

- Water, one gallon of water per person per day, for drinking and sanitation - Food, at least a three-day supply of non-perishable food - Battery-powered radio and a NOAA Weather Radio with tone alert, and extra batteries for both - Flashlight and extra batteries - First Aid kit - Whistle to signal for help - Infant formula and diapers, if you have an infant - Moist towelettes, garbage bags and plastic ties for personal sanitation - Dust mask or cotton t-shirt, to help filter the air - Plastic sheeting and duct tape to shelter-in-place - Wrench or pliers to turn off utilities - Can opener for food (if kit contains canned food) - Emergency reference materials such as a first aid book or a print out of the information on www.ready.gov - Rain gear - Mess kits, paper cups, plates and plastic utensils - Cash or traveler's checks, change - Paper towels - Fire Extinguisher -Tent - Compass - Matches in a waterproof container*

- Signal flare* - Paper, pencil - Personal hygiene items including feminine supplies - Disinfectant* - Household chlorine bleach* - You can use bleach as a disinfectant (diluted nine parts water to one part bleach), or in an emergency you can also use it to treat water. Use 16 drops of regular household liquid bleach per gallon of water. Do not use scented, color safe or bleaches with added cleaners.

- Medicine dropper - Important Family Documents such as copies of insurance policies, identification and bank account records in a waterproof, portable container CLOTHING AND BEDDING: If you live in a cold weather climate, you must think about warmth. It is possible that the power will be out and you will not have heat. Rethink your clothing and bedding supplies to account for growing children and other family changes. One complete change of warm clothing and shoes per person, including: - A jacket or coat - Long pants - A long sleeve shirt - Sturdy shoes - A hat and gloves - A sleeping bag or warm blanket for each person

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19

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luckiest man+ ·the world

Chico's Enterprise Record headline read, "He Really Is the Luckiest Man in the World!"

This time his story received national coverage.

He was interviewed by every major news organization and talk show; his 60 Minutes segment was the third most-watched in the show's history. He was hugged by Michael and kissed by Kelly and Oprah, and Bob's wife negotiated a million-dollar book deal with Random House. In every interview and in his book, Bob insisted that luck had nothing to do with what happened that day on Nord Road.

No one believed him except God and the Devil.

building committee to hire a contractor and begin construction within four months of the meteor strike.

Edie's third reason was a personal one. The surviving contents of Frank's car included an unfamiliar banged-up laptop computer, Easter Sunday airline tickets-SMF to ORD-for a Christopher Reason, and a 22-caliber Colt revolver loaded with hollow-point ammunition.

In addition to house and car keys, there were keys to Frank's desk and a small fireproof filing cabinet.

A week after the accident, Edie's curiosity triumphed over her shock and grief, and she unlocked the desk and filing cabinet. In addition to discovering a small expensivelooking safe, Edie found that Frank's files contained unsettling information about his past life and business dealings. When she had the safe drilled open and information from the laptop's hard drive retrieved, she realized that she was lucky to be alive-and that she was, potentially, a very rich lady. The Internet made it remarkably easy, given the account number and security codes, to begin to transfer money from Frank's bank account in Houston to her own.

In contrast to Bob's almost immediate notoriety, Frank was allotted only fifteen minutes of fame. While his parishioners attributed his injuries to the Devil, it was obvious that his reckless driving could easily have killed Bob, the meteor strike notwithstanding. It was also true that an overwhelming majority of Evangelical Christians believed in a God that punished sinners using "natural events;' which clearly included meteors. In reality, of course, it was impossible to interview Frank for three months after the meteor strike-and after that, it was tedious in the extreme to interview someone who could only communicate by blinking his eyes.

The only picture that Edie supplied to the press (two weeks after the accident) was a grainy black-and-white passport photo. Everyone who knew Frank testified that he was unusually camera shy. Very little background history on Frank was possible. Every lead ended in Grand Forks, North Dakota, where not one resident could be found who knew him personally or recognized his picture.

Edie's friends and parishioners conscientiously spent time at Frank's bedside during the three months he was

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JULY 8 - JULY 14, 2013

hospitalized, and during the final two years of his life in a skilled nursing facility. Edie did nothing to assuage the notion that demonic forces had attempted to end the life and work of a powerful servant of God. She had three reasons for doing this. First, that idea almost immediately doubled church attendance. Second, outright donations and new pledges of future financial support enabled the church

Edie waited until Frank was out of intensive care before she told him that because of the accident, church attendance had doubled, the church building campaign was a success, and the new preacher and his family were the darlings of the community. She also informed him that there was still time to repent and give his heart to the Lord, and that his money was supporting Oprah's Angel Network, and Doctors Without Borders. Edie had read somewhere that eyes were a mirror of the soul. In Frank's case, she hoped it wasn't so.

by Andrew Hanson • Illustrations by Cheyenne Warthen

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

Reutew

ON THE TOWN

PHOTOS BY JESSICA SID

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ARMPIT APOCALYPSE Veet Ready-To-Use Hair Removal Wax Strips with Vitamin E and Almond Oil

by Sara Calvosa ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the tale of a showdown between my armpits and the Veet Ready-To-Use Hair Removal Wax Strips with Vitamin E and Almond Oil. (The package contains 40 reusable wax strips; 6 "perfect finish" wipes; leaflet.

Made in France.)

With the possibility of an apocalypse on my mind, I found myself at the Terget in the lady-scaping section checking out home wax kits. Waxing doesn't require the use of water, so I thought, "Perfect! I am going to be so sexy during the end of days:' Because we're in the middle of a heat wave, I decided it was about as apocalyptic as it normally gets, so it<l be the perfect time for a test run.

I read the instructions carefully and decided that my legs would be the ideal place to start.

First, you put the wax strip between your hands and rub really fast to create some heat so that the wax has a more molten feeling when you're applying the strip. This is their patented HairCoating Technology at work.

Veet's Ready-To-Use Hair Removal Wax Strips go on smooth, and the Easy Grip tab was, in fact, easy to grip. With the deftness and sleight-of-hand speed of a magician ninja, I ripped my Ready-To-Use Wax Strip right off my leg. It worked! Hairs were all up in there, like fossils trapped in sticky HairCoating Technology amber. I made short work of both my legs, confident that waxing my underarms would be a cinch. Minimum pain! Huzzah!

With one arm reaching high to the sky, I smoothed a fresh Veet Ready-To-Use Wax Strip in place right in the middle of my

armpit-like a waxy superhighway about to go running through my lady armpit yard. I grasped the Easy Grip tab and then with the technique of a master aesthetician, I smiled and ripped away.

When I woke up, I was on the floor with a Veet Ready-To-Use Hair Removal Wax Strip stuck to the side of my face. As consciousness returned, I registered that I had passed out; my armpit was in agonizing pain, possibly bleeding, and maybe rn ripped off all of my skin. I looked in the mirror to survey the damage ... there was definite redness ... and most terrifyingly... there were still hairs. I was going to have to do this several more times. I cringed at myself in the mirror, looked at my strips, and as a tear rolled down my cheek, I attached a clean Veet strip to my already stinging, burning, aching armpit.

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When the whole ordeal was finally over and my red, puffy, tear-stained face matched my red, puffy, bloody, sticky armpits, I picked up my box of Veet Ready-To-Use Hair Removal Wax Strips and prepared to throw them in the trash. But that's when I noticed that I'd neglected the last step-I forgot to apply the Perfect Finish Wipes to get rid of the viscous, sticky wax remaining on my underarms. The Perfect Finish Wipes were oily, yet bone dry; some kind of devil's technology, the leaflet didn't say. I wiped away the wax, and unable to really put my arms all the way down, I waddled out to the kitchen like a penguin and put a handful of ice cubes under each arm and contemplated the nature of pain.

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JULY 8 - JULY 14, 2013

21

ARIES

GEMINI

Unfortunately, the apocalypse in any form is the end of the line for you. Unless you're a left-handed

You'll be the first person to shoot somebody in the face over food.

No, I take that back; you'll be the

Aries, in which case your ability to command a crowd, combined

one behind somebody else, egging them on to shoot somebody in the face over food. Then you'll swoop in and take all the food. But nobody will hold it against you, simply because you always have booze and know how to bring some levity to the post-apocalyptic pit of despair.

with your inherent good looks makes you an excellent candidate for Supreme Commander of the World. Though nobody will like you very much.

TAURUS

LEO If the first radioactive mutant child were born a Leo, it would be a half-kitten, half-human cutestrosity. Leave it to Leo to always be adorable! But be careful if you're thinking about a relationship with Leo, they're likely to use this opportunity to test the gamma-radiated sexual waters.

If you can't grow extra appendages on the spot, Leo may end up bored and looking for someplace else to stick their tentacles.you're dealing with that involves the deeds of the last year.

Pay attention to dreams and the messages contained in them. Enjoy sleep and the pleasures of the bed.

Much like the noble cockroach, Tauruses will stubbornly survive almost any end-of-the-world event. In fact, you'll survive with hearty panache and a supersweet stash. The stoic Taurus might make the perfect Sheriff or thrive in a position oflocal leadership in the community bunker. Strong and likeable, yet stubborn and hardworking, they're the perfect people to align yourself with if you're going to join a gang.

CANCER If you see an amazingly beautiful, non-mutated human riding on a Pegasus dropping manna from heaven, follow that bitch because she's awesome. Cancers have magical nurturing powers and are intensely hilarious. The world may be crumbling to pieces around you and radiation is making you see people riding flying horses, but you'll be laughing if you're sitting

VIRGO

next to a Cancer. But beware!

Don't hurt her feelings because once a Cancer has decided to stop shining her light on your life, you will wither, die, and blow away in a

In a rebuilt post-doomsday marketplace, Virgo would have a cool little shop full of specially curated items scavenged from the rubble. You'll be able to find

pile of scorned ashes. Cancer men however, will not survive long, since nobody really likes having a whingeing Cancer dude around.

everything you need, but don't bother haggling or tangling with Virgo over anything. He/she will just make you nuts. And sanity is something you'll want to hold onto as tightly as possible.

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LIBRA

SAGITTARIUS

You're wandering along your way, stumbling through the ashen wasteland, and just before you're about to drop dead, you see a shadowy figure standing over you. You wake up breathing clean air, with fresh water on your lips.

You look around the room to find Libra sitting in a chair staring at his computer because he's found a way to make electricity, grow plants hydroponically, and generally have the most dope setup possible in a world that's gone bad. You've hit the

I have a feeling that Sags will be the most prolific post-apocalyptic breed running around the scorched and barren Earth.

They'll be working hard to get

jackpot; Libras are resourceful, clever, and compassionate rascals.

SCORPIO If you were wondering who would set up the first end-ofthe-world brothel, that would be Scorpio. They are sexy, charismatic beasts with an appreciation for the finer things in life/death/ undeath, and they will gladly capitalize on their natural abilities as mutant-whisperers and procurers of exotic treats. But if you ever cross a Scorpio, you're going to wish a meteor had landed directly on top of you, killing you instantly.

the place all tidied up. I imagine a giant anthill full of enormous mutant Sagittarian ants pouring from the top-industrious, perfectionist, social ants. Ironically and conversely, if anybody were going to be holding a magnifying glass between a mutant Sagittarian ant and the roiling super-giant sun, it would be another Sagittarius laughing maniacally.

AQUARIUS If you see a guy walking alone on a road wearing a samurai sword and carrying a backpack, do not even trifle with that guy.

Because he is an Aquarius and he doesn't care about your fucking problems; he's on a mission that's bigger than you or your hunger problems. He'll reject you in a such a kind way however, that it will make you think that he wants a sidekick and so you'll tag along only to die along the way in some terrible accident or run- in

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with a zombie horde.

PISCES CAPRICORN Do you need your bunker organized? Do you mind listening to highly detailed stories about things you don't really care about? Do you also love the idea of fire-dancing LED-hula-hooping party aliens?

Then you better find yourself a Capricorn for your underground bunker-city, because if anybody can organize your MRE's during the day and party your face off during the night (assuming you can tell the difference), it's a Capricorn.

Because Pisces is an intrinsically quiet sign, I cannot imagine that they would survive even the most benign apocalyptic event. If however, they managed to quietly exist, I assume they would be excellent at building roundabouts in rebuilt city squares, much to the consternation of the rest of the population.

The Pisces will then walk around in circles, quietly giggling and building daisy chains with ears they've collected from the dead.

by Sara Calvosa

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