Synthesis Weekly July 15-21, 2013

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A Synthesis Weel<ly Summer Satire

Product~on

rappers. (We're rappers.) stories mechanical bull. It's a That hurts· our feelings.

(Real experiences) mechanical goose. And (Hurts our feelings when you say Autobiographical raps.

• I I b , Some people say that rappers don't . tha t happened tol us, All true our art1sana• A we're not rappers.)

Thmg • a ama • • have feelings Bring the rhyme! . _ Slamma chair IS an 1ron1C Son:ie people say that rappers are We have.feelings. (We have nod to prohibition-era invincible feelings) We're yincible.

(We' re vincible.)

Man wears Halloween moonshiners."

Some people say that we are not I got hurt feelings, I got hurt What you are abqut to hear are true • costume with fake feelings butcher knife buried in I'm not gonna wear a ·ladies' his head while riding wetsuit I'm a man! through the park at I got hurt feelings, I got hurt night. Gangs fall ior it feelings Get me a small man's wetsuit, and leave him alone. please I make a meal for my friends ,

Arrests Experted in Ckico: Roundabout Scandal

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Try to" make it delicious, Try to keep it nutritious, Create wonderful dishes.

Not one ofthem thinks about the way I feel Nobody compliments the meal

It's ~y birthqay, 2003 • Waitin' for a call from my family

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I got hurt fe,elings, I got hurt feelings • I feel like a prize Asshole • No one even mentions my casserole.

• I got hurt feelings , I got hurt feelings.

You couida said something nice about my profiteroles Here's a little st~ry to bring a tear to your eye, .I was shopping for a wetsuit to scuba qive, But every suit I tried is too big around the thighs, And the as istant suggested I try a ladies' size

·Winchester Goose finally opens, with artisanal Alabama Slamma' chair and mechanical goose.

"It's no~hing likt. a ..

They forgot ; bout me I got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings The day after my birthday is not my birthday, Mum • I call my friends and say, "Let's go into town," But they're all too busy, to go into town So I go by myself, I go into town Then I see all my friends, they 're all in town

..

Poli~e follow blood trail down East Ave. 13-ye~r-old giJI really embarrassed.

I got hurt feelings, I got hurt • feelings.

TheY:,' re all lined up to wat~h that movie · "tylaid in Manhattan." .

Have you even been told that your J ass is too big? ..

Have you ever been asked if your t 111ir is a wig?

THURS, JULY 18, 9PM

Hell In July Festival with

SIX FEET UNDER FRI, JULY 19, 9PM

KULCHAKNOX DJPHG

SAT, JULY 20, 9PM

BUMPTET

SAT, JULY 27, 9PM

3 FINGERS WHISKEY SAT, AUG 3, 9PM

MO KS HA SAT, AUG 10, 9PM

SWAMPZEN 3 player teams. Sign up with bartender.

Starts at 7PM

8-BALL TOURNAMENT Sign-up 6PM Starts at 7PM

JAZZ BPM

9-BALL TOURNAMENT Sign-up at noon Starts at 1 PM

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

synthesis

INSIDE THIS WEEK'S ISSUE

Sara Calvosa sara@synthesis.net

Going Off The Rails sat¡ire noun

IMMACULATE INFECTION

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COMICAL RUMINATIONS

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EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT! This is the news, see. We're gonna give it to ya straight, see.

Weve got the scoops on the Roundabouts, the Goose, the Oystahs, and the monkey business at the lOOth Monkey Cafe! We ain't revealin' our sources on the scandals rocking the city budget, and the real reason Halloween's been cancelled, but we're bustin' things wide open. We're going "off the record, on the QT and very hush-hush:' '---"----J'--"--__J

COM IX

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PUT A FORK I N IT

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SEXYTIMES

SCENE REPORT

UPSELLLING LEMONS What's better than getting in the news based on your own merit? Buying space in a magazine to talk about yourself!

Hey, marketing is important and nobody knows how important advertising is more than we do, amirite? We've got profiles from a local chef, real estate agent (and tiger mom), and a social media guru whds putting Chico on the map as the place where groundbreaking badasses live.

REVIEWS

1. the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Being a fully-loaded sarcasm machine has its ups and downs.

Sometimes sarcasm can be a poignant point-maker, helping someone to see the folly of their ways with a dose of ironic satire. Sometimes it's a tears-of-a-clown type of thing: "See, I'm laughing; isn't all the world a funny joke? I'm not really sad under all this makeup, I swear:' With all the recent divisiveness and controversies plaguing our little city, the Synthesis staff has gone a wee bit off the rails this week. Winchester Goose, Trostle, Oysters, Caper Acres, Budget Crisis, Farmer's Market-it's a neverending shitstorm of depressing back-and-forth. To cut the awkward over-coverage of all these downers, we've driven this train right off the tracks with our first annual July Like A Dog: A Synthesis Satire Effort.

Not to compare myself to Jon Stewart, but as he likes to point out on occasion, he is not a journalist, hes a comedian-and I can identify with that, as a person who is not a writer by trade, nor a serious journalist (or a journalist who takes herself seriously). So please keep that in mind, and if you are angered at all by our subversive mirth, please do not call Melissa Daugherty at the CNR because that joke-ship has sailed, people.

17 NOT THAT KAZ

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COVER IMAGES Illustration by Michaela Warthen Song Lyrics: Hurt Feelings (Tears of a Rapper) by Flight of the Conchords Copyright: Chrysalis Music, T L Music Publishing

FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA â&#x20AC;˘ SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

lsa,tirl

Hi, my name's Kaz. I like sunbeams and eating grass under the lemon tree. Sometimes I get sleepy, so I take a nap. People call them cat naps, but I just call them naps, because I'm a cat.

Do Indian people call it Indian food? I don't eat Indian food, I eat cat food. But I just call it food.

I don't like it when things are redundant.

Some people say I'm fat, but I tell them it's because of Monsanto and farm subsidies.

My roommate is not very nice. I always try to smell his butt when he walks by, but he just goes all crazy on my face instead of saying hi back. Then he throws up all over the couch. I'm worried he might have cancer.

Sometimes people think I'm a different grey cat, but I'm not. I'm this one.

JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

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NOW HEAR THIS! STAFF PICKS Sara "Because Of You" - Nickel back

Amy

"Animals" - Nickel back

Michaela "If Everyone Cared" - Nickel back Tanner Kathy Bethany Dain

"Hold Out Your Hand" - Nickel back "Burn It to the Ground" - Nickel back "Far Away" - Nickel back "Bottoms Up" - Nickel back

CROWDSOURC

questions from our synthesis facebook pa~·

Steph Garcia

I pee on my cats head.

about an hour ago via mobile · Like • 6 4 Darby Herms Ya, but once I found out you don't go blind , there was no turning back!

Yesterday at l1:32am · Like • c:J l Leo A Zuniga toenail repur posing

Yesterday at 11:36am via mobile · Like · i6 l David Kulczyk Shaking hands. We don't know what that other hand was used for right before

Yesterday at l l :44am · like · c:J 2 After a heavy bout of diarrhea I go to a depanment store and try on new pants but I don't wear undergarments. about an hour ago via mobile · Like · .Ci 3 DJ. Sandhu Eating at a bowl ing alley. You know they never clean the finger holes ... and how many people's nasty sausage digits have been in there? and then you stuff that burger in your facehole. about an hour ago · Like · t:J 10 Jennie Boling We look at our shit stains after wiping to decide whether we shall continue wipi ng our butts whil st pooping. about an hour ago · Li ke • ~ 10

WORD PUZZLE TAHWTNUDGESCKNN HC NURC E NT E RC HYH P B P H U T I ME 0 U T K L L I AMANDAHGRPCFDL HDU E NA S S T M I G J D L S LGA I NUT E P AP L0 U RYLHAWKINGJLXEU ECYBUAUMSSOR I EY NYLKOORBARADSNY WSFHNDPUCANCHOR OMI FEDISBUSOUTH CASCUI LKCCWISEN HP RT KLNES AEYHDL UYYTACFZSTRTC IN GNAGSPGNAOJRENW

Kim Hodges probably enjoy storing jars of urine in the windowsill.

20 hours ago · Like

For 19 years The Synthes1S goal has remained to provide a forum for entertainment, music, humor, community awareness, opinions, and change.

PUBLISHER Kathy Barrett kathy@synmedia.net

MANAGING EDITOR Sara Calvosa sara@synthesis.net

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR Amy Olson amy@synthesis.net

ASSOCIATE COPY EDITOR Meagan Franklin

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Michaela Warthen graphics@synthesis .net

DESIGNERS Mike Valdez, Tanner Ulsh graphics@synthesis .net

DELIVERIES Joey Murphy Molly Roberts

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Arielle Mullen, Bob Howard, Danny Cohen, Dillon Carroll, Erica Koenig, Howl, Jaime O'Neill, Jen Cartier, Kenneth Kelly, Koz McKev, Ky Junkins, Matt Olson, Tommy Diestel

sick

pan

me

petunia

center

hawking

nudges

expire

Jessica Sid Vincent Latham

truck

arts

Heinz

Amanda

CALENDAR

JFK

Edin

fluffy

badly

Brooklyn

shush

Jaipur

anchor

PHOTOGRAPHY

Amy Olson calendar@synthesis.net

NERD

south

chug

crunch

oddly

Dain Sandoval dain@synthesis .net

noted

oak

Pamsy

landing

ACCOUNTING

gags

gang

answer

timeout

submits

subside

banshee

ownership

Joan

the

what

ugly

fecund

skid

duty

scroll

picky

Kelli Vasquez Perhaps sniffing bicycle seats In downtown chlco.

Yesterday at 3:0Spm vfa mobile · Like

syn thesis

Ben Kirby

DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS Karen Potter

OWNER Bill Fishkin bill@synthesis.net The Synthesis is both owned and published by Apartment 8 Productions. All things published in th ese pages are the property of Apartment 8 Productions and may not be reproduced, copied or used in any other way, shape or form without the written consent of Apartment 8 Productions. One copy (maybe two) of the Syn th esis is available free to residents in Butte, Tehama and Shasta coun ties.

Anyone caught removing papers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law (and our law!). All opinions expressed throughout the Synthesis are those of th e author and are not necessarily the same opinions as Apartment 8 Productions and the Synthesis.

The Synthesis welcomes, wants, and will even desperately beg for letters because we care what you think. We can be reached via snail mail at the Syn th esis, 210 W. 6th St., Chico, California, 95928.

Email letters@synthesis.net. Please sign all of your letters with you r real name, address and preferably a phone number. We may also edit your submission for content and space.

210 West 6th Street Chico Ca 95928 530.899.7708 lnfo@synthesls.net

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JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

SYNTH ESISWE E KLY.COM

IMMACULATE INFECTION Bob Howard madbob@madbob.com

Mad Bobservations Local Area Man Finds Sierra Nevada Beer "Okay - Not Too Bad, Really?'

In a startling turn of events for a town seemingly consumed with either advocating for or disparaging the famous, locally-brewed Sierra Nevada Beer, one man seems to have no strong stance on the issue. When asked his opinion on Sierra Nevada's signature "Pale Ale;' 32-year-old Eric Hendrickson had this to say: "It tastes okay-not too bad, really." He went on to elaborate.

"It's definitely not the worst beer I've ever had. That would probably be a warm Bergermeister I had back when I was in college. Yuck."

Things really got edgy though when Erickson was asked what was his favorite beer of all time: 'Tm really more partial to the domestic canned beer, Bud Light, or maybe a nice cold Olympia."

Bidwell Manners Etiquette Tips with Marjory MacDonald Concerned writes: My new boyfriend plays bass in a band and he's asked me to go and see him perform in a downtown venue. The thing is, I've heard so many stories about people being stabbed downtown, I'm afraid to go! What should I do?

Dear Concerned: There definitely has been an inordinate amount of stabbing lately, and Ms. MacDonald thinks that's downright rude!

Why, back when I was a youngster, when we had an argument to settle we'd do it with baseball bats wrapped in barbed wire! Phew, those certainly left a mark. But I digress. The real problem here seems to be your choice in romantic partners. A bass player?!? Oh my word. Honey, you've got to know that's simply the guy who sucked the most at playing the actual guitar. It's only got four strings, and

you play them one at a time! He's probably the band's pot connection. My fair mother would be rolling over in her grave ifI ever dated a bass player. My advice to you is kick the fatfingered slob to the curb, risk the knife-fights, go downtown and find yourself a nice, new boyfriend-this time, shoot for the guitar player or the singer. Stay away from drummers though!

Patron NOT "86'd" From Duffy's After Wildly Inappropriate Behavior Marcus Wembley had the rare experience of NOT being permanently nixed from Duffy's after going on a drunken rampage, terrorizing patrons and staff alike with obscene and disturbing behavior. A visibly hungover Wembley answered questions about his failure to get himself banned from the popular watering hole.

WANDERLUST Squaw Valley• ]u!J 18-21, 2013

* Yoga lry

SEANE CORN • SHIVA REA • GURMUKH ROD STRYKER • DHARMA MITTRA Performances lry

MOBY (ACOUSTIC 8: DJ SETS) • GRAMATIK QUIXOTIC• CARAVAN PALACE• RANDOM RAB• MC YOGI 8 INTRODUCING THE WANDERLUST SPECTACULAR Talks lry JOEL SALATIN • SIANNA SHERMAN • CAMERON SHAYNE • MOBY 8: MANY MORE

'Tm as surprised as you guys;' the 38-year-old winced and held his head in his hands as he spoke. "I can barely remember anything that happened, but from what my friends told me, it wasn't pretty. It involved some broken beer bottles and maybe some indecent exposure. I know several birds were flown, and my throat is sore from screaming."

When asked ifhe was sure he hadn't been kicked out, Wembley spoke. "Well, my friends said no one said anything. We weren't kicked out. The doorman even told us to have a nice night and said he'd see us next time."

He looked puzzled as he sifted through his memories of the evening.

"I really can't say for sure. Maybe they did kick me out. I guess I'll find out in a minute. We're going to go get some Bloody Mary's, if they'll let me in:'

FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA • SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

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COMICAL RUMINATIONS Zooey Mae zooeymae@synthesis.net

Turtle Nightmare, Meet Nightmare Chair inexplicably burst into flames. That frightening clustercuss actually happened to someone recently, 18-year-old Fanny Schlatter started while I was still awake. I live alone (no, seriously, that's her name). According to right now, and my house has a swamp cooler Geekologie, her Samsung Galaxy S3 allegedly located in the kitchen that's adjacent to my exploded and caught fire bedroom. Earlier this in her pocket, leaving her week I was drifting with 2nd and 3rd degree off to sleep, listening burns on her thigh. "All to the sound of my of a sudden she heard an swamp cooler, and explosion and could smell what seemed like a something funny. To her totally normal, ratiohorror, her cell phone had nal thought floated exploded in her pants and through my mind: caught fire. The flames there are turtles were high enough to reach coming through the her shoulder; fortunately vents of my swamp the young Swiss woman's cooler. I wasn't life was spared by her frightened ... more boss's timely action of ripannoyed. Mostly irritated, because the ping her pants:' This is a perfect example of why we thought of getting up THE ¡GRIZZLY-BEAR CHAIR. should all be living in pilin the middle of the night and acciden low forts with sippy cups tally stepping on one filled with equal parts Ativan and whiskey. grossed me right out.

I remember lying in bed feeling annoyed and thinking, "I really Also in the vein of frightening technology, a need to get up and barricade my kitchen off Brazilian ad agency has teamed up with Outso that all those turtles don't get everywhere:' back Steakhouse to create the B-Day Chair: a chair with mechanical arms that hugs you every time someone wishes you a Happy Cut to the next morning, where I woke up Birthday on your Facebook wall. It also and the first thing I saw was my kitchen doorway, indeed barricaded off by a laundry takes a picture of your reaction to the robot basket and a window fan. Maybe there's a hug and posts it on your timeline. Holy shit, guys. A nightmare chair that comes to life carbon monoxide leak in my house, and and gives you a cold, mechanical hug every it's making me dumber. It certainly would time it's given orders by faceless people on a explain me dropping my phone later that morning and shattering the face. As a friend social media platform? Again, let's add this to the giant pile of useless inventions that later pointed out, there's probably a really good analogy for continuing to scroll NO ONE ASKED FOR. You can find a video through your social media feeds on your of it in action at www.geekologie.com, but I broken phone, despite getting glass shards in wouldn't recommend it, unless you want to have night-terrors for a while. Although, I your fingertips .. . but I can't really think of it, will admit, it might be better than thinking probably on account of the carbon monoxide that turtles are swarming your house . leak.

It started with a hallucination. I don't really know what else to call it. It was a dream that

Pop's Pizza

Cafe Costa Rica

Ike's Smokehouse

Cupcake Crusader

Black Kettle

Tacos El Grullense

Ethel's Sweets

Crazy Dog

The Hunter & The Farmer

Annie's Asian

Maria's Tamales

Rebel Nectar

Mayhem! Gourmet Grilled Cheese

Caribbean Cafe

Inday's Filipino Food

â&#x20AC;˘

es1s I

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JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

There are worse things than shattering the face of your phone though - for instance, if your mobile device were to suddenly and

SYNTH ESISWE EKLY.COM

Dain Gets Punched

FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA • SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

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CURDS AND WHEYFARERS SWANKY'S JOINS THE BRAWL - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - By Sara Calvosa

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - by Kenneth Kelly

Last Tuesday, the City Council heard more recommendations from Chico Police Chief Kirk Trostle, but this time he 's targeting establishments serving cheese. 'There are so many establishments serving cheese in our downtown; we've already got 200% more chips-and-dips licenses than the recommended allowance by the FDA, and that's not including food trucks," said Chief Trostle. John Jones, owner of Curds & Wheyfarers craft nacho cheese bar, disagrees with ChiefTrostle 's recommendations.

A week after deferring the decision of whether to grant Robert Rasner and The Winchester Goose their alcohol license, the City Council of Chico has denied a liquor license to a proposed wine bar. Alistair McAlister III emigrated from England this past spring to pursue his dream of opening a high-class wine lounge for the 28-andolder crowd, and was a month away from realizing this dream before being denied by the City Council.

Peter "P-Train'' Ho ls en of Kappa Kappa Chi would be overjoyed if Swanky's was given its license. "Me and my homeboys have been looking for a place like this;' P-Train said.

"Our palates are exquisite, bro:'

Swanky's-no affiliation with Franky'swould be downtown Chico's fourth wine bar, after Monk's, Tannins, and La Rocca's tasting room. Chico Police Chief Kirk Trostle has decided enough is enough. "We need to cut down on the alcohol-related deaths in Chico;' Trostle said. ''Another bar would only exacerbate our problems further'.'

TROSTLE WATCHES FOOTLOOSE - DUFFY.'S WEDNESDAY DANCE NIGHT IN DANGER!

Jones got his start 10 years ago, peddling around with nothing more than a pedicabstyle bike and a small crock of high-quality handcrafted nacho cheese. People from all over town would bring their own chips, vegetables, sometimes even hot dogs, and buy a cup of cheese from Jones. Eventually he saved up enough cheddar to take over the lease on a place downtown. Along with the lease, came a chips-and-dips license that Jones had expected to use to open his artisanal cheese bar. "This isn't the type of place where a bunch of college kids would come to get nachos at 2am after the bars close-these nachos are made with craft nacho cheese. The cheese is like a fine craft beer, which college students also wouldn't be interested in;' says Jones.

Mayor Mary Goloffhad questions for Jones at the council meeting last week. "You know, I don't eat nacho cheese, so I'm not sure what 'craft nacho cheese' is, exactly.

Can you explain it to me?"

Jones replied, "I hate labels. I don't like having to put everything into little boxes.

But if you had to label my cheese, I guess you could call it ... real. And I have to credit Sierra Nevada-the cheese company, not the beer-for helping to pioneer this craftcheese movement. Granted, we

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JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

BREAKING NEWS! JROSTLE ALLERGI TO SHELLFISH - BANS LOBSTER BARS! weren't planning on selling their cheese or using their cheese in any of our craft nacho cheese taps, but their coattails are the best coattails for riding around town:' "How is this different from fondue?" asked councilmember Tami Ritter. "I mean, maybe we should go back and look at the other chips-and-dips licenses we've been denying as well...were they maybe fondue?

Is fondue French? Doesn't it have a higher curd content?"

Jones replied, "This is entirely different from fondue, but it has a lot of the same properties. First of all, there is cheese, of course. But, all in all, it is very different.

Our craft nacho cheeses may contain as little as 3-4% cheese:' Chief Trostle could not be reached for comment, as his cell phone doesn't get reception inside his castle on Snake Mountain.

Trostle fears that if another wine bar such as Swanky's were to open, Wine Crawls would become a dangerous fad amongst college students.

While it's true that Chico has experienced its fair share of tragic alcohol-related deaths in the past-six in the last yearMcAlister does not think that Swanky's or the Winchester Goose would contribute to the culture of excessive drinking in our humble college town. "It seems to me that the overwhelming majority of victims have been college students;' McAlister said. "They don't strike me as the type to patronize an establishment such as Swanky's or Winchester Goose:' When asked if he thinks a bar that serves $9 glasses of beer or wine instead of pitchers of AMF would even entice Chico State students, Trostle replied, "Totally.

Y'know most people don't realize it, but a lot of these frat guys are 'pot-of-coffee by morning, bottle of red wine by night' kind of guys. Except you replace the coffee with a pinot grig[io], and after the red wine you tack on another bottle of port:'

"S*** would be so tight;' P-Train said.

"Hit up Monk's for a Robert Mondavi chardonnay and a nice seared halibut.

Head over to La Rocca for their cab[ernet sauvignon] and finish out the night at Swanky's knocking back Mezzacoronas and New Clairvaux 'til the bars close:' When asked if the prohibitive cost of highquality wine and craft brews would deter college students, Trostle replied, "These guys are getting money pumped into their bank accounts from their parents in the Bay Area. They won't bat an eye at dropping $40-$50 on a bottle of wine:' Trostle does not believe that swanky bars that celebrate taste rather than intoxication-like Winchester Goose and Swanky's-will combat the culture of excess, but thinks that they will change the playing field. "Before you know it, you're going to start seeing guys in their front yards playing beer pong with Brother Thelonious'.'

SYNTH ESISWE EKLY.COM

1001h Monkey Books & Cafe

NNrr f {N~ ',R'L~

CRUSHING IT! SWEET!

~:~°C~u~hnew

----------------------~-----'By Amy Olson

rehabilitation and

There is no greater challenge, no greater risk, and no greater satisfaction than the triumph of outknitting one's adversaries on the field of battle-the comfy field of cafeknitting-circle battle. With tea, and snacks.

Maybe a nice cappuccino, if you're up for the caffeine.

treatment center is set to open in Chico later this summer.

Once a week, the fuzzy gauntlet is thrown down. Competitors from around the area loosen their wrists, tighten their hair buns, and polish their sharpened needles to a wicked gleam as they murmur curses upon their opponents. This is the arena, the circle of death, the Thunderdome.

For some, the strategy revolves around technique; for others, equipment. No matter the angle, there is the ever-present struggle of the underdog vs. the privileged. Big money is spent-keeping up on the latest stitches, traveling the world researching the traditions of isolated grandmas in tiny villages, coming in with the finest platinum needles or rare spider-silk yarns.

Sponsorships are the only hope for many.

This timeless story is illustrated no better than through the rivalry between Myrtle "Purl Two" Tucker and her longtime nemesis, Esther "The Slip Stitch" De Rothschild.

Born into a small Mennonite community on the outskirts of Chico, Myrtle showed promise from an early age. Her mother swelled with pride as she recounted tales oflittle Myrtle knitting the wool while it was still on the sheep, fashioning stylishly patterned and textured sweaters that needed only be shorn off before being sold at the local market. Her spirit of innovation and tightly knit (Get it? Tightly knit!) community of supporters have made her the darling of the99%.

Often accused of unfairly leveraging her considerable wealth and power to crush the competition, Esther De Rothschild is the juggernaut of the knitting world. She has quietly built an empire of scientists, shepherds, textile spinners, and artistic think-tanks. Some have even suspected her of directing a network of spies and saboteurs, and there are nervous whispers of doping. One thing is certain, however: going into the ring with "The Slip Stitch" is like entering the den of a cobra.

In their last highly anticipated face off, the conflict took a shocking and devastating turn. Chaos erupted when a stray kitten (reportedly named Pope John Paws II) wandered into the cafe, wreaking havoc on the carefully staged yarn baskets of both women.

Before the monster could be contained, there were giant balls of yarn batted playfully back and forth, irreparably tangling the fibers into a mass of craftvomit the likes of which 1OOth Monkey had never seen. In an ill-fated attempt to stab the creature with her knitting needles, Mrs. De Rothschild's hand missed its markspilling an entire pot of Earl Grey over her 80% milk-protein Anzula yarn. Everyone knows you drink Earl Grey with lemon.

1OOth Monkey Saturdays, 2pm-4pm

FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA â&#x20AC;˘ SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

byM~F<mlli

.

The center, named Crush D'Urge, helps REHABILITATION people with Candy CENTER Crush addictions lessen their dependency on the game with the help of"talk therapy and non-technological the middle of June and in one month I have distractions;' said their new public-relations spent almost $150:' director, Misty Jordan.

Crush D'Urge aims to give addicts the tools A current addict, who asked not to be they need to turn their lives around by identified, allowed the Synthesis to interview giving their smartphones to counselors who will remove the app, and replace it with a her as she prepares to fight for control over her life. less challenging, less visually-stimulating game that requires players to watch "I saw the evidence [of Candy Crush's toll] advertisements, decreasing their desire to for a long time. One friend after another use it. After the first few days of allowing would start playing and sending me a patient to play some crappy, boring, ugly game to the point of pure irritation, the requests on Facebook, and I resisted for months. One day though, I was just bored center takes them outside and lets them enough to say 'why not' and that's how it all do some gardening work. Most addicts began:' respond favorably to the opportunity to crush insects and pull down rows of weeds She recounted her story of losing control without concern that a chocolate generator over the amount of time and money she will impede their progress. would spend on the game, and lamented how rapidly her life began to unravel.

Snacks at the treatment center are carefully chosen so as not to trigger any relapse, by "[Candy Crush] didn't force me to watch not reminding the addicts of jellybeans, ads, it was free to download, and the gumdrops, or anything covered in coconut. boosters cost me nothing at first, so I Even those containing cherries and nuts are didn't think much of it, really. I loved the forbidden. challenge-the way it made me feel to 'Tm looking forward to the day when I can have the ability to solve little puzzles in the moments spent in the bathroom or waiting see a chunk of a Hershey bar and not have for the bus or sitting in front of some boring nightmares;' said the unidentified woman.

"They haunt me:' TV show my family wanted to watch.

Then I started to pay-99 cents here, $1.99 A ribbon cutting will be held on July 17, there-for special candies to help me finish Sugar Crush! a level; before I knew what was happening to me, my email inbox was full of messages from iTunes telling me I'd spent another ten or twelve dollars. I only started playing in JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

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HERO OF HALLOWEEN TOWN - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - B y Amy Olson I will tell you a tale of another time-a dark age-when people used to come to Chico by the tens of thousands, fill up our hotels and restaurants, and force local businesses to deplete their precious stock in exchange for filthy money.

They would dress in frightening masks, disguise themselves in sexually suggestive costumes, and worst of all, drink alcohol in our public houses. It was a time of debauchery and shame.

In this mire of moral destitution, this chasm of corrupt character, this sordid, simmering cesspool of scandalous salacity, stuff happened. Bad stuff. And not the kind of stuff that happens anyway, like stabbings and fights and what have you. There was also pee. Chico needed a hero: someone willing to stand up to the powerful cabal of merchants suckling at the teat of this wicked holiday. Someone willing to cancel Halloween.

The year was 2002. America was mourning the loss of actor/comedian Milton Berle.

The second installment in the Lord of the Rings trilogy battled it out with Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

U.S. armed forces were shipping off to Afghanistan for what was likely to be a quick and decisive victory over Terror Itself. And, in the cool quiet of spring, the shadow of a Lawman darkened the doorway of Chicds City Council chambers.

His name was Mike Efford, Chief of Police,

10

JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

and he brought with him a message of hope. The Council members listened in breathless awe as he wove for them a tapestry of such beauty, such purity, that they knew in their hearts his vision was worth any sacrifice to achieve.

He spoke of a day where the sun rose and fell with no naughty nurses, naughty nuns, naughty Cinderellas or bumblebees or naughty Anne Franks.

The youth sat quietly at home with textbooks on their laps and held tall, frothy glasses of Ovaltine.

The nefarious cabal of costume shops, bars, and members of the hospitality industry would finally be forced to loosen their stranglehold on the souls of Chicds citizens.

All it would take was an initial investment of many thousands of dollars to fund an intimidating ad campaign, followed by hundreds of thousands of dollars in following years to maintain an even larger police presence than would be required, were Chico to still be filled with tourists .

If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that Chico doesn't need money if it comes from outsiders; commerce stemming from intemperate or raucous behavior has no value and no place; and that fun is dangerous and uncontrollable, and no good can come of it. And that the term "one thing we can all agree on'' is just a figure of speech that really means five or six things we can all agree on.

Chico City Council approves purchase of bridge in Brooklyn upon recommendation from former City Manager and Finance Director. Sorensen says, "Waaait a minute!"

Grand Jury investigates, finds that bridge was never for sale.

Former city finance manager Jennifer Hennessy was authorized to purchase a bridge in Brooklyn last year, in an attempt to bolster our city's finances with revenue from bridge traffic. Hennessy presented favorable reports on the solvency of the investment time and time again to the city council. During one council meeting, she even held a presentation showing pictures of the bridge in various types of weather, full of cars supposedly paying the tolls.

She convinced the dais that the city could potentially make a fortune controlling access to the roadway, and that bridges like this don't come up for sale very often.

Unfortunately, not every member of the Chico city council was on board with the decision, and suspected that perhaps our ex- city finance manager and ex- city manager were trying to "sell us a bridge." Councilmember Mark Sorenson incited a Grand Jury investigation into the monumental purchase to get to the bottom of it. However, Hennessy was prepared with documents stating that the bridge was a favorable and profitable investment and that the city's finances were quite in or-

der, nothing at all amiss, look over there.

After submitting several of these revenuepositive reports to the Grand Jury, Hennessy suddenly folded up her suitcase full of bridge pamphlets and left town. She tendered her resignation and headed for Temecula while the Grand Jury investigation continued.

Hennessy was last seen hopping on a freight train south, wearing a bowler hat and sporting a handkerchief full of dollars tied to a stick.

New city Administrative Services Director Chris Constantin, upon reviewing the books, realized that the purchase of the bridge left a 20-million-dollar hole in the city's coffers, with no incoming revenue to replenish it. "I kept wondering where all the revenue from the bridge traffic was, looking for any kind of evidence that we were making money on the deal;' said Constantin. Shortly thereafter, the Grand Jury returned with devastating news. The bridge was never for sale.

Upon the release of the verdict, the Synthesis contacted the City of Temecula to ask if they'd been considering any large bridge purchases since Hennessy came on board, and the city manager laughed, "Don't be ridiculous! We just bought the Statue ofLibertY:'

by Sara Calvosa

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

Summer Special!

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FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA • SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

11

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JAZZ NIGHT- Martini All ages until IOPM

Open al llAM! Bloody Mary Bar Noon-6PM 58 Dom Pitcher 59 SN Pitcher 8PM-Close 56.SO DBL calls

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Mon-Fri 2-6PM 51.SO PBR or Coors Pints 52 Kami Shooters 1/2 OFF POOL

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53 14oz Slushies 54 20oz Slushies Add shot for 51 S4.SO Dbl Bacardi Ccktls

Mon-Fri 2-6PM 51.SO PBR or Coors Pints 1/2 OFF POOL

Dom Drafts 53.SO Dbl Wells & Kami shots

WING WEDNESDAY! 52 for 3 Wings 52.SO SN Pint All Day

S2 Kami Shooters

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Mon-Fri 2-6PM SI.SO PBR or Coors Pints

Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM

Mon-Fri 2-6PM 51.SO PBR or Coors Pints

Sierra Nevada Drafts

Full Bar in Back Room

S2 Kami Shooters

3-6PM 53.SO Dbl Wells 8-Close 52.SO Dom & SN Drafts

Weds, Fri & Sal Nights!

PBR 52.2S Everyday'

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54.SO Bloody Mary 5S.50 Absolut Peppar Bloody Marys

Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR S2.2S Everyday!

FREE POOL I hr. with every 58 purchase

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SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

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Happy Hour 11-6PM select bollles & drafts 5275

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DOLLAR DAZE 6-9pm 51 Beer 51 Wells 52 Doubles

or Dom Drafts

S2 Kamls -any fhvor

BEAR-E-OKE

OPEN MIC - MUSIC

OPEN MONDAYS

BURGER MADNESS' Bear Burger with fries or salad for 55.29. llam-lOpm.

MUG NIGHT 7-IUO 40oz beer 52.50 or 53 53 Fireball Shot

NEW - BUY ONE GET ONE HALF OFF FOOD MENU! 12-2PM

BEAR WEAR! 1/2 off while wearing Bear Wear.

MUG CLUB 4-IOPM

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53 Tea of the Day and Bartender Special

Chicken Strip Sand only 56 before 6 PM

55 Dbl Bacardi & Coke 53 Goldschlager 53 Bushmills

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52 Marqis 53 Cuervo Marqis 52.50 Corona's & Sierra Drafts Mon-Sat 3PM-6PM 51 Dom draft, 52 SN draft, 51.50 wells

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TRIKE RACES! Post lime @ !Opm. Win T-shirts and Bear Bucks.

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FREE Pool after IOPM

Baby Back Ribs 510.99 Philly Cheesesleak 57 8PM-Close 54 leas

Happy Hour 11-6PM 52.75 select bottles & drafts

!Opm 52 Red Bull Party Starters 53 All pints 54 Long Island Teas

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53 Tea of the Day 54.50 DBL Captain Morgan Cocktails 55 Vodka Redbull 54.50 Dbl Bacardi Ccktls

Power Hour 8-9PM 1/2 off Liquor & Drafts 9PM-Close 53 Pale Ale Drafts 59.75 Pale Pitchers 54.50 Dbl Bacardi Ccktls

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Champagne Brunch IOAM-2PM Happy Hour prices Iii 8

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8-lOpm BOGO! Two for the price of one on select cocktails & food Happy Hour Prices Until 8pm Now Open Mondays at 11:30am!

Champagne Brunch 10am-2pm Every Sunday with purchase of an entree

FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA • SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

JU LY 15 - JU LY 21, 2013

13

MONDAY, JULY 15rH

(jfire <lJininu ia t1te CTraJitioa

THURSDAY, JULY lSTH

Hell in July Festival

Measuring Atmospheric Disturbance

of8outltem r;/talg

CHICO STATE PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING, ROOM 202 Who farted? I can't make any promises, but you might be able to find out in this probing seminar. Using groundbreaking technology similar to radar, but using light waves instead of microwaves, Jacob Mann will blow the doors off everyone else in the wind sensing field, and you can be there when it happens.

9am.

VISITING THE THURSDAY NIGHT MARKET? STOP BY FOR OUR

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • lesson 8:15-9pm, $5. Just dancing 9pm. $2 Maltese: Open Mic Night - Comedy. LaSalle's: '90s Night. 21 +.

Signups @ 8, Starts @ 9. Mug Night Maltese: Karaoke 9pm-Close.

Studio Inn Lounge: Karaoke 7-11:30pm The Bear: Bear-E-oke! 9pm 8:30pm-lam Cafe Flo: Live Jazz Happy Hour with Park Avenue Pub: Hanging by a Carey Robinson Trio. 5-7pm String Band. 7-9pm DownLo: Pool League - 3 player The Tackle Box: Karaoke 9pm teams, signup with bartender. 7pm Woodstock's: Trivia Challenge. Call @ 4pm on date to reserve a table.

Last Call Lounge: Karaoke. 8pm12am 6:30pm Woodstock's: Spelling Bee For the Farm Star Pizza: Live Jazz with Shigemi & Friends. 7-9pm Grown Ups. 6:30-7:30pm Nick's Night Club: Game Night. 21 + Dex: The Waywards, Icko Sicko, Fight Music and Banned from Earth. lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: 8pm Intermediate Bellydance class with BellySutra. 6- 7pm. $8 The Bear: Bear Wear! 1/2 off while wearing Bear Wear. Mug Club lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Open 4-lOpm Mic. Singers, songwriters, musicians, Cafe Flo: Open Mic SingerSongwriter Night with Aaron Jaqua. vocalists and comedians. All ages.

7pm.

7-9pm The Bear: Trike Races. Wint-shirts Crazy Horse Saloon: All-request and Bear Bucks. Post time lOPm. karaoke. 21 +.

Mug club 4-1 Opm. DownLo: DJ Dancing with DJ Ron Cafe Flo: Way Out West Country Dare The Hub: Salsa Tuesdays. Intermedi- Showcase featuring The Blue Merles ate lesson 7:15-8:15pm, $8. Beginners 7-9:30pm

15 MONDAY

FARMER'S MARKET SPECIALI

16 TUESDAY

17 WEDNESDAY

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<Italian.

14

JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

Crazy Horse Saloon: Swing Dance Wednesday. 8-lOpm Chico Women's Club: West African Dance with Imelda Mata. 5:30-7pm. $10.

Chico Women's Club: Ecstatic Dance. Live music played by the TranceFormation Band. 7:15pm.

DownLo: 8 Ball Tournament. Signups 6pm.

Duffy's: Dance night! DJ Spenny and Jeff Howse. 9pm. $1.

Tackle Box: Swing Dance Wednesday, classes 7-9pm.

VIP Ultra Lounge (Inside The Beach): Laurie Dana. 7-9pm.

Woodstock's: Trivia Night plus Happy Hour. Call@ 4pm on date to reserve a table. 8pm.

King's Tavern: DJ Dancing. 9pm.

Maltese: live Music. 9pm.

Dex: Mobile Death Camp (Beefcake the MightyofGwar), Ashes of Death, Hollywood Jesus and Black Tie Hero. $8.8pm Manzanita Place: Fork in the Road food truck convergence. 5-9pm Sid Lewis' Acoustic College: Old TimeSlowJam. 7-9pm Maltese: Into The Open Earth (Tour Kickoff), Black Mask. $3. 7:30pm

18 THURSDAY DownLo: Chico Jazz Collective every Thursday. Followed by Mark Sexton Trio. 8pm.

Downtown Chico: Thursday Night Market. 6-9pm.

Graduate: Red Bull Movie Night. lOpm. Grana: Live Jazz w/ John Seid 5:308:30pm.

Has Beans: Open Mic Night.

7-lOpm. Sign-ups start@ 6pm.

LaSalle's: Happy Hour on the patio.

6-9pm. Live music from Russ Peters & Co. No cover.

Maltese: Karaoke 9Pm-Close.

Panama's: Eclectic Nights- Buck Night & DJ Eclectic on the patio.

9pm.

Quackers: Karaoke Night with Andy.

9pm-lam.

VIP Ultra Lounge: Acoustic Performance w/ Bradley Relf. 7-9pm. No cover.

Woodstock's: Open Mic Night.

The Hub: FAME Thursdays DJ Dancing. 9:30pm-1:30am. 21 +.No Cover.

1078 Gallery: Amarok, Ephemeras. $5. All ages. 8pm

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LOSTON MAIN In the beginning, it was birth metal.

Emerging screaming from his mother's shredded nethers, vocalist Chris Barnes brought with him a black and foul mass of afterbirth and a special kind of talent for splitting the ears of all who listened.

After 46 years of honing his guttural death-growl, fronting bands such as Cannibal Corpse and Torture Killer, He finally comes to Lost on Main with Six Feet Under and a slew oflocal Metal bands. Tickets are available online at brownpapertickets, or Blaze 'n J's. 8pm.

: :,

Hours: Mon-Wed & Friday 11am-8pm @ Spike 's Bottle Shop 1270 East 1st Avenue 530.864 .2 760

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SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

FRIDAY, JULY 19TH

SATURDAY, JULY 2QTH

BevMo! Grand Mothafuckin' Opening!

Hugo- Movies in

the Park

TARGET SHOPPING CENTER

SYCAMORE FIELD After the long day you've had celebrating Bidwell Park's 108th Birthday (I'm sure you totally woke up for the 5k that kicks off every single Park event), unwind with a movie under the stars at Sycamore Field out in front of Caper Acres.

Tonight they're showing Hugo, which is awesome. Bring a lawn chair and sneak a bottle of wine in your purse.

Starts 15 minutes after sunset.

Dude, BevMo! I didn't want to believe it (I've been hurt before) but I'm like 99.9% sure this is not a hoax. I totally saw the sign going up on the building and everything.

Soon there will be discount booze everywhere and Chief Trostle can suck it. Be one of the first 500 customers in line and get a $50 goodie bag, plus events and tastings all day, or as we like to call them, GooBags and EvTastes! 9am.

HERE IS ACHANCE TO

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Cafe Flo: "Save Caper Acres" Benefit Concert. Rose O'Brien. All ages. $3/ donation. 7pm Dex: Cairo. $5. 8pm Lost on Main: Hell in July Festival.

Six Feet Under (feat. ex-Cannibal Corpse vocalist Chris Barnes), Fallon, Lords of Perdition, God Van Damme,

Dance Party. 9pm.

Peking Chinese Restaurant: BassMint electronic dance party with local and regional DJs. $3-$5, 9:30pm Quackers: Live DJ. 9pm.

T-Bar: Live music 7-8:30pm Tortilla Flats: Latin Nights.

Espanol & English DJ dancing with DJ El Kora de Chico.

Embryonic Devourment, Astronaut.

Sultan's Bistro: Bellydance Perfor21+. 8pm. $10/$ 12/$ 15 mance, teo soloists featured. 6:307:30pm 1078 Gallery: Hip Hop Showcase 1OOth Monkey Cafe & Books: curated by Tybox. $5. Doors 7:30, Writing Group. 3:30-5pm show8pm.

The Beach: DJ 2K & Mack Morris.

Monstros: Jen's B-day Show M9pm-close. $2, $10 VIP. Section, Flesh Gordo, Season of the Cafe Coda: Friday Morning Jazz with Witch, Badger. All ages. 8pm. $5 Bogg. llam Chico Women's Club: Ebony & Ivory Crazy Horse Saloon: DJ Hot Rod Concert. Sultry Soul featuring Laurie and Mechanical Bull contest. 9pmDana on the newly restored 19ll 1:30am Downtown Plaza: Friday Night Steinway Concert Grand Piano. No Concert Series with Los Papi Chulos host bar. 6-8pm. $10 Afro-Cuban Jazz, Salsa & Funk. Spon- Lost on Main: Reggae Comes Back to sored By Tres Hombres. Free kids art Chico. $8. 9pm-2am. 21+ activities hosted by Chico Art Center.

Chicoichi Ramen: John Seid Trio.

7-8:30pm 6-9pm Duffy's: Pub Scouts - Happy Hour.

The Hub: Chico Baile Latino: Salsa, 4-7pm.

19 FRIDAY

Maltese: Fabulous Friday LGBTQA +

Merengue, Cumbia and Bachata

ARE YOU A DESIGNER

dance lessons followed by an open social dance. $2-$4. 8pm Cafe Flo: Flo Sessions. Dave Kahl, Zack Larken and Heather Michelle.

8pm LaSalles: Another Armed for Apocalypse CD Release show! The Shimmies, Cities. $8. 21 +. 8:30pm Cafe Coda: Rosascharn, Wesley Jensen & The Banquet, Zach Zeller. $5.8pm

20 SATURDAY I OOth Monkey Books & Cafe: Knitting Circle. 2-4pm Cal Skate: Adults Only Skate Night.

9-ll:30pm. $6. 18+ DownLo: Live music with MazAzul.

9pm. 9 Ball Tournament. Signups noon, starts 1pm LaSalle's: 1980NOW! 8pm Park Avenue Pub: Live music with Max Minardi. 6:30-9pm Quackers: Live DJ. 8:30pm- lam 1078 Gallery: AS Artifacts, Taunis Year One, Blood Cabana, Memento Mori.$5.8pm Lost On Main: Jazz from Sacramento, Mark Sexton Band. $5. 21+. 9pm

River Reflections RV Park/Campground (Oroville): Reggae festival.

Black Uhuru, Ras Michael, Zion Roots Sounds, Tafari and more 1-11 pm. $30 adults, $10 kids.

Tackle Box: Driver. 9pm Lost on Main: Bumptet, Mark Sexton Band. 9pm. 21 + Sycamore Field: Movies in the Park.

Hugo. 15 min after sunset.

Bidwell Park: 108th birthday. activities at various locations throughout the day, starting at One Mile Recreation Area. Raffle proceeds will benefit Caper Acres and park maintenance.

21 SUNDAY Crazy Horse Saloon: Sunday Funday comedy and popcorn.

Nick's Night Club: Karaoke. 8pmMidnight. 21+ 5th Street Steakhouse: John Seid Trio. 6-9pm One Mile Recreation Area: "It's No Walk in The Park'' Abuse Victims Memorial Walk, followed by: Prevention Awareness. Family Carnival, live music, food, games.

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FACEBOOK.COM/CHICOCA • SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

ts I

PUT A FORK IN IT Jen Cartier jen.l.cartier@gmail.com

That Guy Bites A bearded man wearing a blazer and a bow-tie was recently detained at a rest-stop outside Portland, Oregon, for lewd behavior and public indecency. He reportedly offered a plate of his blue-ribbon meatloaf and the promise of an award to the first person who discovered "the gold medallion hanging from his hidden meat" to anyone passing by.

One man was deeply disturbed.

"I came around the corner, and all I could see was this kinda chubby guy with bleached hair and he was yelling, 'Who wants a taste of my Donkey Sauce?' Man, it just wasn't cool:' Portland police officer J. Dangle had this to say: "This guy keeps showing up at rest-stops around the area. He'll sometimes go off for hours about some no-star New York Times review before anyone reports it. He goes by the name James 'Beard' Franco, and offers people 'a taste of his sauce' or 'meat-packing awards: He's really confused'.'

Among the items confiscated from James "Beard" Franco, an interesting piece of evidence was found that may shed light on his shaky mental state. A tattered piece of literature dated October 19, 1978 entitled, The James Beard Guide To Winning In The American Food Industry, was pulled from his blazer pocket after a heavy frisking.

This previously undocumented piece of literature includes the following steps to food-industry success: 1. Remember, bald is beautiful.

3. A nice jacket and a bow-tie will help you make friends.

4. Be yourself. I was kicked out of Reed College for homosexual activity in 1922, but this is now. Everyone loves a good American sausage these days.

5. Make friends. In this industry, it's not what you know, it's who you know, and how well you know them, wink-wink.

In an interview with The Oregonian, Janie Hubris, Director of Mental Health at Oregon Health and Science University said, "It seems like James 'Beard' Franco, whose real name I can't use (although anyone could recognize him from that Food Network TV show where he eats all that...ew... all that disgusting fried stuff), is suffering from a pretty devastating Times review of his latest restaurant endeavor. He obviously idolizes James Beard. It makes sense. While I can't offer a diagnosis, it seems he might be suffering from major depression; possibly even PTSD. The general population might call this a 'nervous breakdown':' Hubris noted, that while "Beard's" behavior may seem outlandish, and of a disturbing, voyeuristic nature, someone who is in denial of a personal failure may act out this way. "He may be trying to protect the attention and adoration he's sure to lose if his restaurants go under, so he's emulating an explicit caricature of a food icon;' said Hubris. "But, seriously... off the record ... we all know James Beard was into hand-jobs. I mean, that foundation of his, that's all they do:'

2. When they offer you the mustard commercial, work it. Spew that mustard all over the place.

Ask ethical questions later.

I

t6

JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

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JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

11

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ROUND & ROUND IT GOES:

ROUNDABOUT WOES - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - by Jaime O 'Neill

Nearly a decade ago, 84-yearold Enid Dim ley of Paradise filed a lawsuit against the city of Chico, Mrs, Dimley, a widow, claimed in her lawsuit that a roadway design known as a "roundabout" had so confused her that she went around in circles for almost three hours until she ran out of gas and was rear-ended by another motorist who had blacked out in the heat of a Chico summer day, The case was settled out of court with a payment made to Mrs, Dimley's lawyers, Under the terms of the settlement, the amount the city paid to settle the complaint was never disclosed, Chico town fathers (and mothers) assumed that the case was an irritating anomaly-just an old lady from Paradise overwhelmed by the complexities oflife and traffic in a big city, Paradise drivers, after all, are well known locally for their inability to handle driving, even in that rural village, so they could hardly be expected to manage the challenges of driving in a more cosmopolitan urban environment like Chico, Even before the roundabouts were built to upgrade Chico's traffic sophistication, drivers from Paradise often seemed confused and disoriented when they hit town,

Undeterred by the lawsuit, the city of Chico authorized building more roundabouts, though very few Chico residents were ever able to figure out what good they were doing, or why they were being built Some local activists who opposed the roundabouts speculated that Jeff Jukkola, the lead engineer credited (or blamed) for pushing the construction of the roundabouts, may have been indulging his nostalgia for a brief visit he made to France shortly after he graduated from college, Many other Chicoans, however, decided that the roundabouts were doing no harm (and were, at the very least, providing jobs for road workers), so the road projects continued until there were six such roundabouts sprinkled throughout the town, often popping up where motorists least expected to find them, Also popping up with greater and greater frequency were lawsuits like the one pioneered

by Enid Dimley, Area methamphetamine users began to mistake the roundabouts for mini-speedways, and the Saturday Night Meth Races soon became a regular feature of underground life in Chico, These races racked up more than a few accidents as high-speed drivers high on speed turned the traffic features into mini versions of the raceway where the Indianapolis 500 is held each year, Damage and confusion mounted even further when Chico State fraternities heard that meth addicts were engaged in racing their cars at several Chico roundabout sites, It was the kind of activity just crying out for fratboy participation, and Chico's,,,

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JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM

... fraternities responded with the kind of creative thinking for which they've long been known. Several of them joined together to sponsor keggers that were followed by visits to the roundabouts, where the Greeksters bombarded the meth speedsters with paintfilled condoms. Not wishing to be left out, at least two Chico sororities joined in, with sisters flashing their breasts as drivers sped around the roundabouts. Between the speed, the booze, the paint, and the distraction of the breast flashers, city liability cases began to add up to a significant drain on Chico's resources.

Since the Dimley case, the City of Chico has been hit with 379 lawsuits connected to the roundabouts, although no deaths or serious injuries have yet been attributed to these obvious traffic hazards. Dreamt up by bored traffic engineers, perhaps out of nostalgia for their youthful experiences in Europe, the roundabouts are now seen to have been a major boondoggle-yet another example of government waste and inefficiency.

Meanwhile, JeffJukkola, the aforementioned chief engineer, was relieved of his duties in the latest round of pink slips that went out to a number of city employees. A spokesman for the city council said, however, that there was no connection between Mr. Jukkola's dismissal and the roundabout snafu and/or controversy.

ON THE TOWN

PHOTOS BY JESSICA SID '

Rumors circulating through the District Attorney's office do, however, suggest that arrest warrants are about to be issued for the politicians who colluded with roadway contractors to build the six roundabouts that have vexed Chico drivers ever since construction first began in 2004. Public sentiment seems to favor hanging as an appropriate punitive measure for the people who thrust new traffic patterns upon a city where most people found them expensive, confusing, and utterly unnecessary.

Meth-heads and fratboys, however, are organizing a counter protest in which they plan to push for building more roundabouts closer to the campus.

Contacted for comment in her Paradise nursing home, the now 94-year-old Mrs. Dimley said, "I told 'em them circles were no goddamn good," before she dozed off and was wheeled back to her room.

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JU LY 15 - JU LY 21, 2013

19

Reu1ews--Major Musical Mistake at the Big Room

SCENE REPORT

by Jaime O'Neill

How Was High Sierra?

by Jaime O'Neill In an extraordinary misstep in an otherwise distinguished career as the impresario of the Sierra Nevada Big Room, Bob Littell recently made the mistake of booking guitar wizard Larry Carlton to play the room on a hot Tuesday night in Chico.

With an enormous catalogue of recordings to his credit, Carlton was expected to be good, and the venue sold out. But high expectations weren't nearly high enough.

Carlton and his band exceeded even the wildest fantasies of the most fevered closet air-guitarists in the ecstatic audience.

Carlton's appearance prompted a big turnout from budding guitarists in a town where seven out of ten males between the ages of 14 and 74 play the guitar-or try. That's where Littell's booking strategy proved to have a downside of unintended consequences. After watching Carlton dominate his instrument for nearly two hours, local guitarists were initially euphoric, but by the time they got home and picked up their own guitars, severe depression set in for most. Local hotlines were swamped with calls from desperately

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JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

Public health officials said that the effects of the Carlton concert created a serious uptick in cases of depression among local guitarists, and called upon Mr. Littell to be more responsible in future bookings.

In a hastily arranged press conference, Littell apologized, but said it was too late to cancel the upcoming appearance by Albert Lee-a guitar maestro many believe to be as masterful as Carlton. Whether the community of local guitarists can survive this double-whammy of guitar wizardry remains to be seen, but county mentalhealth workers are extending on-call hours to handle the anticipated overload when Lee plays the room on July 8th.

,~

With all the recent brouhaha regarding the Saturday Market, I can't help but wonder why nobody seems upset about Downtown being completely shut down every Thursday.

Parking is a hundred times more scarce, the vendors are in direct competition with downtown businesses, and the unwashed masses who choke the streets are nothing like the chipper fresh fruit and veg lovers of the CCFM. Roving gangs of smoking teenagers force you to jostle your way through to look at the meager selection of actual produce ... and by you, I mean

I

unhappy musicians; in the days following the Carlton appearance, local pawn shops were busy with musicians who wanted to unload their instruments-all of them badly bummed out by the realization that, try as they might, they would never be able to accomplish what they'd seen and heard Larry Carlton do. Local dumps are also reporting a large number of discarded guitars turning up in the county's landfills.

Thursda~ Market

by Amy Olson me. I am personally inconvenienced, and that means it needs to change. First off, those obnoxious kids should quit dressing so trashy and get the hell out of my way.

Secondly, their moms should quit giving them cigarettes in exchange for explaining what Twitter is and how to make penis emoticons for their Craigslist "Missed Connections" ads. Ultimately it's probably more realistic to fence the whole thing off and check IDs at the gate. While we're at it, ban Margaritaville.

The Synthesis editor wanted a piece on the High Sierra Music Festival but with a satirical slant, in keeping with the theme of this issue.

That challenge might have been daunting to a lesser writer. After all, a gathering of a whole bunch oflatter-day hippies milling around at one of the umpteen gazillion summer music festivals, looking to tap into the seeds and stems left over from Woodstock, is far too serious a matter for satire. These were, essentially, people looking for cosmic truth through chemistry. Failing that, they had hopes of at least getting laid. Or, if that didn't happen, there was always the chance to find God in a tab of acid-the hippie fallback position since the '60s.

At the very least, them High Sierrans were headin' out on the highway, lookin' for adventure in whatever came their way: the catechism as preached by Steppenwolf when the template was being handed down to a new generation of American stoners who also wanted to "take the world in a love embrace;' followed by the transformative experience of exploding into space.

Sure, it's a youth anthem, and therefore kinda dumb-so why was a 69-year-old man creeping around in that forest of tie-dyed tree huggers, lookin' for adventure in whatever came his way?

Well, like lots of members of his generation, he just couldn't quite let it go. He was born the same day and the same year as Mick Jagger, so the mandate was to "rock out until

you become utterly ridiculous;' just like all those old dudes with hair pulled back into white ponytails with three or four strands of hair left in 'em, a Harley between their legs, and literal "old ladies" riding behind. Rebels roarin' against rest homes.

On the first night, I was in the press section under the stage as Robert Plant showed a crowd of mostly Viagra -free young people what geriatric sexiness can look like-a vision of their futures most of them chose to ignore, staving off that bummer notion with a cloud of dope smoke so thick that gophers in two surrounding counties were getting high.

I wasn't high, except via the same contact that had all the area wildlife stoned, so I was able to see that the sexy Mr. Plant has gone to seed a bit-though he's still an inspiring figure for us guys who think we still may have a move or two left in us, so long as we don't break a hip or throw our backs out. He was in fact very good, as one might expect from a guy who's practiced his craft for so long. He drew nearly all the festees away from two other stages where bands young enough to be his grandkids wound up playing for their immediate families, but minus their girlfriends or wives who had slipped away to see Robert Plant under the cover of darkness.

Other highlights? There were more than a few, but you ain't getting highlights AND satire. Not from this old dude, anyway. I was lucky I remembered how to get back home.

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SynMedia, a Chico-based digital marketing agency, is taking the online world by storm. With over 20 years in digital media, this incredibly vibrant company is led by visionary and social icon Bill Fishkin, and is transforming the way companies connect with their audiences online.

channel, prestigious Bay Area properties, Las Vegas restaurants, international retailers, and the biggest mall in the country, SynMedia is tasked daily to drive business, put heads in beds, fill tables and move merchandise. And, they're doing it above and beyond client expectations.

Nestled in the quaint part of town known as SOPO (South of the Post Office), this high-energy office specializes in Social Media management, Web/Mobile App development and Content/Online Promotions. This small office of 18, led by the effervescent Fishkin, is making big waves in the media industry. With clients ranging from huge Vegas productions, a cable

Beyond their distinguished list of clientele and advanced level of expertise, the office itself is a magical wonderland. Upon entering their second-story loft, you suddenly find yourself smitten and in sensory heaven. The walls are painted in rich, robust colors, and are filled with Fishkin's vast collection of original lithographs and artwork-many of them signed by the

First of all, I'm a tiger. I am a ferocious, maneating, house-selling machine. I've been an agent in Chico for 25 years, and I can tell you that it is so much more than selling a house. It's selling an experience, a memory, or sometimes I sell you a barn. A tiger barn! You don't get to be Agent of the Year without stealing a few pieces of mail out of neighborhood mailboxes, listening below bedroom windows, or bribing bankruptcy lawyers for the inside track on all those foreclosures. When you hire Muffy Steele, you know that you're getting a ferocious tiger. My hair even has stripes for added selling-tiger-power!

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likes ofJack Johnson and Henry Rollins.

The open floor plan includes a pool table, a movie-viewing area, vintage arcade games and more-all to provide a welcome respite during a day of moving at breakneck speeds. It's evident that this company is doing something right. During our visit, phones were ringing, several Google hangouts were in session, and the level of buzz and excitement was palpable. Chico is incredibly lucky to have such a business in our midst.

We think they're pretty Ah-mazing, and recommend them for all of your online marketing needs. And we're not just saying that because they pay us to.

Being open 24 hours is a challenge, but Chef Jacques is a beast. He's a classically trained French chef with a background in MMA fighting. He knows that when you're wasted at 4am, your discerning palate needs some Broasterchicken. Jacques' familiarity with broasting technology is a huge boon to the Chico area.

This tricky pressure-frying method produces the most delightfully crunchy, juicy, tasty chicken possible. ChefJacques says, "We are now serving wine at Jack's, so keep it going; stumble into Jack's and have a little Chablis with your chicken.

If you're not in the mood for chicken, everything we make is advertised on our windows, so pick something. The waffles are nice:'

JULY 15 - JULY 21, 2013

21

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ARIES

GEMINI

LEO

LIBRA

SAGITTARIUS

AQUARIUS

Mars recently moved into the fourth house for you. Your motivation is to protect family and all that is near and dear to you. Venus in Leo keeps prompting you to be bolder in love and creative works.

Mercury going direct on Saturday could mean good news regarding family.

There is no need to explain yourself, as being misunderstood is typical during this period. Listen twice, speak once-and try not to stutter.

This weekend, focus on resolv-

It's often darkest before the dawn. Your dawn is coming a week from this Monday. In the meantime, how are things with your soul? Have you been able to help others who have been isolated? Or are you being sloppy and creating new prob!ems to be solved? You've been relaxed enough. The weekend looks good for drawing up a plan for your next big move.

Responsibilities begin to ease up this week. Your social life is beginning to improve. Poor communication at the work-

You are not in control, and

Working smart doesn't seem to have the same stoic value as working hard Many poor people work very hard Success lies in being happy about what you are doing. Working smart begins with doing things with others as well as yourself for the mutual benefit of all.

People love to love you, even though you think of yourself as smarter than most. Get off your high horse and take a mud bath.

ing financial issues. Mercury goes direct Saturday morning, allowing you to make up for the last several weeks of confusion.

Eat high-quality, non-processed natural foods for the most mental clarity.

place begins to resolve itself.

Karma from a past love affair may bite you in the rear. In any event, new opportunities to party are on the horizon. The weekend looks good for family, parents, and domestic duties.

this is okay. Learn to negotiate some of your power to others.

Being in debt is not a solution, but a temporary situation that requires attention to get out of. The moon will be in Sagittarius late Thursday morning through Saturday morning. To fulfill your lust will require a mutual partner.

Someone is coming who is as opportunistic as you. Can you take the heat?

TAURUS

CANCER

VIRGO

SCORPIO

CAPRICORN

PISCES

Love has been a very personal thing for you during the past several weeks. You want to be close to family-particularly siblings, cousins, and estab-

This week marks the grand finale for Cancer folks. Mars in your first house has given you a sense of independence and the courage to move forward.

Tuesday and Wednesday are likely to be fun-filled, playful and lucky. Your confidence and strength can and will encourage others. The weekend looks super for romance, partnerships, and getting contracts.

First the good news. Mercury retrograde ends Saturday at 11:22 AM PDT. All the b.s. you've been dealing with the

Pretend that you live in a foreign country or an exotic piece of earth that people are dying to visit. You are on a quest for something unique, sacred, and fulfilling. The moon will be in Scorpio Tuesday morning through most of Thursday morning. You are luckier than usual. Act on your biggest dreams. There is wind in your sails and power in positive thinking.

Being a user doesn't make you a loser unless you use things the wrong way. This is a great time for working on partnership issues. Start with being an ideal partner for yourself.

Practicality without emotion is like a cake without frosting.

Show a little tenderness and sweetness. Show your sensual and physically receptive side.

When you are feeling confident, you are one of the most loving people in the world You view life as a silly game where art and beauty are the tricksters, and rules and laws are insensitive enemies of compassion.

Politicians tell lies to cover the truth. Artist use lies to show the truth. Your creative generosity and joy will bring you to your next job, lover or success story.

lished friends. Communication issues have been nuts with Mercury retrograde. Most of last week's mishaps will be resolved this weekend. Focus on your local environment and working with your hands.

last several weeks will begin to resolve itself. Friends show up and give you encouragement. Stay loving. Do things to make yourself happy.

The weekend looks great for creative expression and playfulness.

Koz McKev is on You Tube, on cable 11 BCTV, is heard on 90.lFM KZFR Chico, and also available by appointment for personal horoscopes.

Call (530)891-5147 or e-mail kozmickev@sunset.net

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