This Cat Is The Embodiment Of How You Feel About Beyonce's New A lbum
This Kangaroo Air Guitaring Is The Champion Of Vine
SOFA KING DOWN NORTH MOJO GREEN ~
Thursday 12/19, 9pm
Saturday 12/21, 9pm
lshi Dube, Mr. Music
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With host Julian Ruck plus Jess Braun, Eastwind Bellydance Troupe, Maker's Mile, Low Flying Brids, Resonators, Suns of the Pacific, DDJ Miles and Gnarly Klaus!
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR A MY OLSON AMY@SYNTHESIS NET
WHAT ARE THE FIVE SHOCKING WAYS THIS COLUMN WILL SET YOUR MIND AT EASE? I can't decide if I love or hate click-bait. I don't like the feeling of being so obviously manipulated to increase a website's value to advertisers, but damned if I don't love the promise of answered questions, hearing how I'm about to feel, and knowing how many things I'm about to see. Especially if there's cats involved. Fluffy bastards.
OMG CATZ!!
OMG ALBUMZ!! OMG SCI-Fl!!
They think they're people but they're not people; they're furry little killing machines that look adorable when they stand up on their hind legs! We have pictures of them doing so many of the cutest things you've ever seen! If they were bigger than us we would all be dead, but instead I'm dying from cute! Aaaaack!
What are the best albums of the year? What does their cover art look like? Which one looks like a black square? Which one has the most faces on it? How will it make you feel when you find out? Find answers to these questions and more when you read this amazing list from guest albumchooser Kirt Lind ofThe Yule Logs.
PAGE 8
PAGE 10
The Aqueum saga continues with an even deeper dip into the mind of Howl! Last week he introduced us to an underwater world where all the residents are addicted to the title. Find out what's different about our hero, and get some clues about what the bloody hell is going on here from a guy with a crazy seahorse-beard!
PAGE 21
IMMACULATE INFECTION
SPORTS BALL
PAGE 5
PAGE 17
EDIBLE BITS
LIKE, LITERALLY
PAGE 6
PAGE 18
CONSIDER THE PLATYPUS
HOWL
PAGE 7
PAGE 19
OLD CROCK
PREVIEWS
PAGE 16
PAGE 22
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There's more to this issue than my fascination with the tactics of Upworthy and Buzzfeed, however. We also have the second installment of our Aqueum trilogy, a show preview for the Leftover Cuties, lots and lots of lists, and our columnists tolerate a week of having their titles sensationalized. I'm excited to find out how much they hate me after this. Speaking of last week (which I guess we weren't), I've received some inquiries about the outcome of the events I described in my previous column. In the interest of closure (and themes), here is an epilogue in five parts: 1. Statica and College Boy: What had begun as a whirlwind romance between and a girl and the availability of a car, ended in a very disappointed guy who was definitely not getting any, and an irrationally angry girl picking apart his driving the rest of the way home the next morning. 2. Amy: Having come to terms with the fact that she was (for all intents and purposes) single now, Amy closed out the night by making out with Fozzie and deciding to travel with him and Jesus from there on. The romance didn't extend into their future, but they remained friends and companions for several weeks. 3. Fozzie: The next destination after leaving Chico was a Los Angeles hotel where they were robbed at gunpoint. Fozzie was shot in the side, and subsequently developed a marvelous addiction to morphine. He wound up back home in Louisiana after that, where he got himself in a bit of a misunderstanding over a "mock-kidnapping for ransom" of a "friend" who owed him money (who hasn't been there, amirite?), resulting in a long-term house arrest. Which was probably for the best. 4. Jesus: After parting ways with Fozzie, Jesus went from town to town throwing a series of guerrilla raves out of a school bus, his purple bathrobe becoming increasingly soiled and dingy. 5. Nutsack: Upon sobering up, Nutsack wandered back to the highway and hitchhiked home to whichever one of the Carolinas he came from. He eventually contacted Amy to let her know he was OK. The drum was never seen again; presumably it is still waiting on a mountaintop for the real Haile Selassie to come whisper his secret name.
DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 201 3
3
TANNER'S (very dense)
BEST ALBUMS OF 2013 BY TANNER ULSH Some of you may argue that my list is unfairly skewed towards hip-hop, but I'd like to argue that 2013 has been an absolutely incredible year for both mainstream and underground hip-hop. This year in hip-hop has been absolutely flooded with not good, but great releases from every direction. Up-andcomers have come with new styles and something to prove; old favorites have consistently shown that they've still got it. If you want a list that ignores hiphop's presence this year, go ahead and check out our feature on page 10. 8. Haruka Nakamura - MELODICA Japanese Chillhop producer and composer Haruka Nakamura has been making solid instrumentals for years now, but MELODICA is on a different level. Featuring formerly unreleased production from the late Nujabes, MELODICA is an emotionally charged album that'll make you believe in whatever it is you feel like you need to believe in again. BEST TRACK - Luv (Sic) pt2 - Acoustica - feat . Shing2 7. YC The Cynic - GNK GNK is the freshman release of up-and-coming New York rapper YC the Cynic. This surprisingly complex album covers topics like race, religion or lack thereof, celebrity worship, and the fall of the traditional recording industry. YC's powerful imagery and solid flow work well over Frank Drake's production and make YC feel like a force to be reckoned with.
BEST TRACK - Molotovs at Poseidon 6. Danny Brown - Old Detroit rapper Danny Brown has seemingly reinvented himself since the 2011 release of his mixtape XXX. Old is Danny's first full release since XXX, and it lived up to the strong precedent that was set. Old explores a great deal of themes simultaneously: Danny's past, the history of hip-hop, Danny's drug addiction, and the impact of his image on his relationship with his children. All of this is fit over a production ranging from classic boom-bap style to modern trap-inspired bangers. Old is a long album, but it mixes it up enough to keep you interested on the surface, and has enough substance to satisfy if you go deeper. BEST TRACK - Dip 5. Killer Mike and El-P - Run The Jewels Influential Southern rapper Killer Mike and New York MC/producer El-P surprised and impressed everyone when they dropped this ten-track LP of pure fire. El-P brought out some of his most driven production to date, with every track having a strong feeling of movement and stature; Killer Mike brought the perfect flows to compliment . Top it off with their synergy and comradery, and you've got an album that deserved a hell of a lot more attention than it got.
4. Milo - Things That Happen At Day Things That Happen at Day is one half of a doubleLP release by Nerdcore art-rapper Milo. In an all too uncommon feat, Milo makes a plethora of pop culture, video game, and internet references without letting them cloud his incredibly dense, emotional, and playful message. Milo's odd, soft-spoken flow enhances the image and message that Milo is a flawed being trying to reflect upon and free himself from his unrelenting mistakes and errors. You may not want to blast it from your car, but if you feel like you need to reflect upon yourself, this is the album to listen to.
BEST TRACK - Almond Milk Paradise 3. Chance the Rapper - Acid Rap This time last year, nobody knew who Chance the Rapper was; in April, he dropped a mixtape that has proven itself to be better than most of the full albums that came out this year. On Acid Rap, Chance takes over-represented topics like drugs, women, and guns, but manages to rap about them in a way that feels real and emotional. You can actually feel that twinge of sorrow and pain when he can't hug his grandma because of his obsession with drugs.
AMY
THE LONELY ISLAND - "THREW IT ON THE GROUND"
DAIN
RED FANG - "BLOOD LIKE CREAM"
MIKE
COMMON - "I WANT YOU"
COLIN
JUNIP - "IN EVERY DIRECTION"
KATYA
TYLER, THE CREATOR - "GOLDEN"
ANDREA
MARAIAH CAREY - "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU"
TANNER
PUSHA-T - "NUMBERS ON THE BOARD"
NAOMI
RUN THE JEWELS - "A CHRISTMAS FUCKING MIRACLE"
LARRY
GRAHAM CENTRAL STATION - "POW"
BALLS
FATS WALLER - "AIN'T MISBEHAVIN"
MICHAEL 2CHAINZ - "YUCK!"
BEST TRACK - Cocoa Butter Kisses 2. Melt-Banana - Fetch In the likely case that you haven't heard of them, Melt-Banana is a Japanese noise-punk band that's been pushing the limits of experimental rock for 22 years now. That wealth of experience shows in Fetch, where layer upon layer of instrumentation is laid down in a way that sounds complex and busy, it never sounds bad. Fetch is not an easy listen, and a lot of people will not like it, but there's a technical proficiency and level of emotion on this album that's just too strong to deny. BEST TRACK - Left Dog (Run, Caper, Run)
1. Earl Sweatshirt - Doris The return of Odd Future focal point Earl Sweatshirt came without grandiosity; there was no cheering crowd, no posee track telling Complex magazine to get shoved. What we got on Earl's return was a dark, moody album that put us all back in our place. Earl let us all know that he's making music on his own terms now, and his terms make a great album. Doris is crammed full of great instrumentals, powerful features, and the desperate loneliness and terrible darkness of Earl's world . BEST TRACK - Chum
BEST TRACK- Banana Clipper
4
NOW HEAR THIS Synthesis Weekly Playlist
DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
5YJJt~2~S~U~~ DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22
For 19 years The Synthesis' goal has remained to provide a forum for entertainment, music, humor, community awareness, opinions, and change.
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The Synthesis is both owned and published by Apartment 8 Productions. All things published in these pages are the property of Apartment 8 Productions and may not be reproduced, copied or used in any other way, shape or form without the written consent of Apartment 8 Productions. One copy (maybe two) of the Synthesis is available free to residents in Butte, Tehama and Shasta counties. Anyone caught removing papers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. All opinion s expressed throughout the Synthesis are those of the author and are not necessarily the same opinions as Apartment 8 Productions and the Synthesis.
The Synthesis welcomes, wants, and will even desperately beg for letters because we care what you think. We can be reached via snail mail at the Synthesis, 210 W. 6th St., Chico, California, 95928. Email letters@synthesis.net. Please sign all of your letters with your real name, address and preferably a phone number. We may also edit your submission for content and space.
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IMMACULATE INFECTION
SALSA DANCING EveryJuesday
BY BOB HOWARD - MADBOB@MADBOB.COM
THIS MAN'S COURAGEOUS REBELLION AGAINST THEMES WILL LEAVE YOU BEGGING FOR MORE
•
. / 'RbKE! f 2'J@ 1 ~:trrf~d ·
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Holiday Inn
DJ DA:ISl~~( PARTY Friday &Saturday Night
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685 MANZANITA COURT, INSIDE THE HOLIDAY INN
This is supposed to be a list style column, but I'm so far out of touch with popular culture these days I don't know where to start. It is impressive how short a time it takes to completely lose track of celebrity culture, contemporary music trends, and politics once you step away from the computer. I don't spend any time on line since getting the axe from the old job. I've got a lot more space in my head-too much, sometimes.
always been enchanted by that which is very old. When I collected stamps as a kid I was only interested in the oldest stamps I could find, I concentrated on United States stamps dating back to the years just following the Revolution. Those were simple, one-color prints, although the etchings that were made from were incredibly detailed and elaborate. They bore the faces of George Washington, mostly, in light red, or pale green.
The farm is beautiful this time of yearthis morning it is crisp and clear; a delicate frost is blanketing the fallen oak leaves and grasses. The sun is still low in the sky, its light touches the tops of the oak trees and telephone poles. I write outside, on an ancient 90's era laptop my mom gave me a few years back. I try to write a thousand words a day, but sometimes settle for five hundred, depending on how my head is working. It's cold enough that by the end of five hundred words my fingertips are numb, but I like it. I have a few reference books next to me: a dictionary, a thesaurus, and a Bible, New Living Translation. I prefer some of the language in the King James Version, but the New Living Translation is supposed to be the most accurate-dozens of biblical scholars and linguists went back to the original texts to cobble the edition together.
Anyway, in the spirit of the season, and maybe to atone for some of my grinchier missives on Christmas, here is a short list of things I actually like about the holiday season :
I'm not remotely religious, but those old texts are so rich with contentancient parables passed down orally for potentially millennia before someone put them down in writing. I'm more drawn to the Old Testament than the New, I've
1. Eggnog. I don't want to imagine Christmas without it. It is the lubrication and the fuel that steers me safely through the madness. 2. Fire. During December we burn
large fires outdoors and smaller fires in the wood stove that keep the house warm and toasty. A good bonfire serves the same purpose as psychedelic mushrooms-it blows the tubes out and unclogs that clogged passageways in the mind, only the bad trips aren't as severe. 3. The Light Quality. There is something about the light quality up here in the North State that has intrigued me since I moved up this way. When the sun never gets too high in the sky, it's a little spooky and eerie, perfect for inspiration and painting.
Well, I'm out of room, my fingers are good and cold, and my head 's too numb to think up any more seasonal cheer.
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D ECEMBER 16 - D ECEMBER 22, 2013
5
EDIBLE BITS BY JACKIE REARDON - EDIBLEBITS@YAHOO.COM
THE WORLD NEEDS MORE FEMINIST SHOEMAKERS, AND LESS OF THESE 12 HEINOUS FOODS iilliiliiiii These are in no particular order, although if you pushed me to pick my #1 most despised food it would likely be a tie between Balut and Uni. Oh gawd, that just made me think of eating the two of them together. Excuse me for a moment while I run for the sink. 1. Spam. It's Squirrels, Possum, And Mice. Ew.
2. Potted meat. What the eff is this stuff anyways?
that revolting thing will NOT be on a plate in front of me. Like, ever. 7. Balut. Soft boiled duck fetus, still in the egg. It's a fairly common street food in the Philippines. Yes, I am Filipino, but that just made me throw up in my mouth a little. 8. Barely cooked whites on a fried egg. You know what I mean : when the whites are still wet, runny and slimy and look like
3. Sweaty wieners (um, hot dogs) in the snack bar at Target. mucous. Disgusting. How long have they been languishing and sweating on that rack there? Nobody knows the answer to that question.
9. Uni. Sea urchin gonads. With a texture resembling firm custard. I don't need to go any further, do I?
4. Fois gras. It may be considered a delicacy by some and it may even be delicious, but I can't get past the fact that it's a fattened duck liver.
10. Pickled chicken feet. Don't Google it. Just...don't. Learn from my mistakes, people.
5. Jello. It is so jiggly, wiggly and unnatural. Gross.
11. Head Cheese. Jellied meat dish made from the boiled head of a calf or pig. Nope.
6. Bull/Ox penis. I don't care what Andrew Zimmerman says, 12. Pig's Feet. Enough said.
6
DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 201 3
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
CONSIDER THE PLATYPUS BY MONA TREME - EDITORIAL@SYNTHESIS.NET
THIS LIST OF 7 AWFUL PEOPLE AT THE GYM WILL ENRAGE YOU 1. The Twitlet. Wears full, freshly-applied makeup. Spends most of her time flapping her knees limply on the adductor machine while yipping into her pink rhinestone iPhone. (Note : Although this article is mainly about universals, there are more of these at the WREC than anyplace else I've been. I'm fairly sure the windows on the second story of the WREC are shatterproof, because when I once tried to throw a Twitlet through it, she just bounced off, making weak little cries of "Ewmahgaw! CREEPY! You're just jealoussss" as she crumpled to the floor. It wasn't quite as satisfying as if she'd actually gone through, but you take your gratification where you can find it.) 2. The Runner Without a Road. He's just slumming as he kills time between marathons. Fellow paragons of fitness are acknowledged; mere mortals are contemptuously ignored. Unless you yourself have just stepped off the cover of Runner's World, don't bother attempting eye contact. 3. The Two-Headed Hydra. These " ladies", which nearly always manifest in pairs, are identified by their whisperings to one another as they give everyone else-mainly other females-slow, disdainful once-overs in lieu of working out. THHs can crop up just about anywhere in the gym, but can be extra-stabby-making in a yoga class (where people go to chill the fuck out, you idiot hens). They're a shining example of how women are ever so much more supportive of one another (and more mature) than men. 4. Oh Shit, I'm Not 19 Anymore (aka The Post-Larval Form of the Twitlet). Nowadays she has to put a little effort toward working out, since time and metabolism are starting to gang up on her. This unwelcome intrusion of reality into her Disney Princess world has her good and pissed. Like the guy in the men's bathroom who takes the urinal right next to yours even though there are a dozen others, she will hop on the treadmill adjacent to you, ignoring the vast line of unoccupied ones-and will then, without a word, begin to compete against you. If
you're at intensity level 5, she HAS to be at level 7. If you go to level 7, she MUST go to level 9. It's like having your own angry, temporary stalker. 5. The Weight Room Tool. He's identified by his mating call-although it's not always clear what he's trying to attract-which sounds mostly like " UrrrAWWWWGH ... sssSSSSsss ... " In the rare moments when he's not blasting his pees, he can be seen strutting around slowly and semi-aimlessly, chest thrust forward and arms held out stiffly to better display the product of all that hard work. Welcome to the gun show! Sometimes these mouth-breathers evolve to the point that they no longer need to bawl and hiss on every rep-but they still absolutely must drop the weights at the end of each set, announcing their godlike accomplishments with loud clangs. Hey, how is anyone gonna notice that you 're a fountain of testosterone unless you make a lot of fucking noise?
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6. The Insecure Frat Boy. He could be younger or older, an actual frat boy or a high school dropout, in shape or not. The unifying feature of these man-children is their real purpose for being at the gymwhich is to loudly greet fellow bros, chat up spandex-clad girls, and openly sneer at everyone else. They'll dutifully do a little lifting or fart around on a treadmill for appearance's sake, but quickly get down to business. It's cute witnessing their obsession with selling the idea that they're stone-cold playas. Well, it would be if they were old enough to make car payments. 7. Somebody's Precious, Oblivious Child. Often under the age of 5, s/he stumbles along-always with a dazed expressionlooking everywhere except directly in front of his/her face. Inevitably, you will collide with one; only then will the parent finally activate and mutter "Watch where you 're going, JaydenKayleeHunterlsaac." I don't blame the kids themselves, but the jagoff parents who think the rest of the world revolves around their holy sprog. In a slightly less civilized world, they would be called Speed Bumps.
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DECE M BER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
7
• 16 Cats W lt~e reference. Twerkmg or Uh ... some pop c~ l"ke that I mean just 't believe t h ey :oci~ it's silly
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How much does it take for a cat to get alcohol poisoning LOL! WTF!
7 Things that Only People With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Will Get
Seriously though none of these are from Buzz Feed . I mean, I'm sure you can find them on there because they rip content from like, everywhere.
I mean I guess we're not much better but I guarantee you we're not making as much off of it.
12 GIFs To Help You Trigger Photosensitive Seizures
They're using things! <3
40 Ways To Capitalize On Awful Internet Me mes
200 Best Memes of 2013
13 Best Recycled BuzzFeed Articles
10 Cutest Ruthless Dictators
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DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
9
THIS LIST OF THE BEST ALBUMS OF 2013 WILL MAKE YOUR HEART SING BY KI RT LIND
KIRTLIND c
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Haim - Days Are Gone
Cut Copy - Free Your Mind
Jagwar Ma - Howlin
Juveniles - Juveniles
These songs are so powerful because they feel exceptionally true, like they could have happened to me or you or anyone. And they are so catchy that I am probably singing "The Wire" in the shower while you are reading this.
2013 was a banner year for music that makes me feel good, and nothing can match the euphoria of Free Your Mind. I'm pretty sure we danced like fools to " Let Me Show You Love" at Duffy's last Saturday.
Another album that just makes me feel really good. Some weird combination of 60s pop and drugged out trance. I know that doesn't sound great on paper, but trust me, it's great.
Are you going to go and listen to any of these albums? Juveniles are an electropop group from France, and they are better looking and more talented than any of the bands you like, so maybe you shouldn't listen to them.
Kurt Vile - Walkin on a Pretty Daze
Wet-WetEP
Lady Gaga - Artpop
Baths - Obsidian
This record sounds so sick. It 's like R&B made in zero gravity. If you learn one thing from this piece, it should be that this record is sick.
Forget all the haters, this album is fun, it makes me happy, and R. Kelly is the best.
This album makes me feel things.
KURT VILE IJ!alo~ On
II Prel!!J $aze-
Sometimes I'm just in the mood for rambling 10 minute songs.
10
DECE MBER 16 - DECE M BER 22, 2013
SYNTHESIS WEEKLY. COM
AMALGAM CONSULTING
Cabana Cafe is available for your holiday parties, call Kelli today at 343-5678 ext. 124
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DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
11
FOOD
fli
& DRINK
Holiday Inn Closed
MON TUE WED THU
FRI
SAT
Mon-Fri happy hour 11-2PM $2.50 Dom & Sierra
Closed
bartender. Starts 7PM.
BEER $3/4/5/6 $1 SHOTS FREE Pool after lOPM
Mon-Fri 2-6PM
Chicken Strip Sand only $6.50 before 6 PM
Happy Hour 5-7pm Daily Drink Specials
DOLLAR DAZE 6-9pm $1 Beer $1 Wells $2 Doubles FREE Pool after lOPM
Nightly Dinner Specials 5-9pm
2 DOLLAR TUESDAY! Food & Drink specials!
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM
11AM-2PM $2.50 SN & Dom Drafts 2-close $2.50 wells & Dom Drafts $3.50 Dbl Wells &
PBR $2.25 Everyday!
WING WEDNESDAY!
11-2PM $2.50 Dom
, F
L
*' air ----
SUN
$2 Kami Shooters 1/2 OFF POOL GAME NIGHT!
Daily Happy Hour from4-7PM Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights! PBR $2.25 Everyday!
& Sierra Nevada Drafts
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM
3-6PM
PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Mon-Fri 2-6PM
Reuben Sand w/ fries or
Happy Hour 5-7pm
$1.50 PBR or Coors Pints $2 Kami Shooters 1/2 OFF POOL
salad $6.50 5pm-Close 1/2 off kids items 8pm-Close Pitcher
Daily Drink Specials Nightly Dinner Specials 5-9pm
8 Ball Tournament Sign-up 6PM. Starts 7PM.
Specials $6/$9/$12 FREE Pool after lOPM
Mon-Fri 2-6PM
Baby Back Ribs $10.99 Philly Cheesesteak $7.50
$1.50 PBR or Coors Pints $2 Kami Shooters
$3.50 Dbl Wells 8-close $3 Soccer Moms $5 Smirnoff Blasters
Specials
$5 DBL Roaring Vodka
All ages until lOPM
11-2PM $2.50 Dom & Sierra Nevada Drafts 3-6PM $3.50 Dbl Wells 8-Close
1/2 OFF POOL JAZZ NIGHT- Martini
Daily Happy Hour from4-7PM
Mon-Fri 2-6PM
Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights! PBR $2.25 Everyday!
$2 Kami Shooters
$1.50 PBR or Coors Pints
1/2 OFF POOL All ages until lOPM
$2.50 Dom & SN Drafts
Bartender Specials
Open at llAM !
$3 14oz Slushies $4 20oz Slushies
Bloody Mary Bar Noon-6PM $8 Dom Pitcher $9 SN Pitch er
$5.50 Absolut Peppar Bloody Marys
10 oz. Tri-Tip Steak w/ Fries or Salad & Garlic
Happy Hour 5-7pm Daily Drink Specials
Bread $8.99 8pm-Close $4 Jager $5 DBL Vodka Red Bull $6 Jager Red Bull
Nightly Dinner Specials 5-9pm
$2 Kamikaze shots FREE Pool after lOPM Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights! PBR $2.25 Everyday!
8PM-Close $6.50 DBL calls
$5 Bottles of Champagne with entree $4.50 Bloody Mary
6pm-Close $4 Grad teas $3 All bee r pints FREE Pool after lOPM
Happy Hour 5-7pm Daily Drink Specials Nightly Dinner Specials 5-9pm
Bartenders Choice
Baby Back Ribs w/Salad,
Happy Hour 5-7pm
9 Ball Tournament. Sign-up at noon. Starts
Fri es & garlic bread $10.99 8pm-Close $4 Single/$6 Double
Daily Drink Specials Nightly Dinner Specials 5-9pm
lPM.
Daily Happy Hour from4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!
All ages until lOPM
Jack or Captain $2 Sierra Nevada FREE Pool after lOPM
FREE POOL 1 hr. with every $8 purchase All ages until lOPM
$5.19 Grad/Garden/ Turkey Burger w/fries or salad Bloodies $3 Well, $4 Call,
Restaurant Open for Dinner 5-9pm
$5 Top, $6 Goose Mimosas $2/flute, $5/pint $6 Beer Pitchers FREE Pool after lOPM
llltllJ. -.ll!r'D
--- --
J
WEDNESDAY 10PM
DANCE NIGHT
DJS:JEFFHOWSE/LOIS/BIG E
12
$1.50 PBR or Coors Pints
MONSTER MONDAY SPECIALS 6PM-CLOSE
$1 PBR all night All ages until lOPM
$3.50 Fireball , Jim Beam , Captain Morgan and Jameson
$4 20oz Slushies
halftime 'til they're gone!
Happy Hour 5-7pm Daily Drink Specials Nightly Dinner Specials 5-9pm
All ages until lOPM
8PM-Close
Bartender Specials $3 14oz Slushies
w/
$9 SN Pitcher
$2 for 3 Wings $2.50 SN Pint All Day
Closed
$2 Kami Shooters
$6.50 Pulled pork sand fries or salad 25 cent wings from
1/2 OFF POOL Pool League, 3 player teams. Sign up with
Kami shots
Closed
Mon-Fri 2-6PM $1.50 PBR or Coors Pints
Nevada Drafts 3-6PM v$3.50 Dbl Wells 6PM - close $8 Dom Pitcher
10AM-2PM
r
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!
DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
FRIDAY 4 7PM
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Lounge
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or salad for $5.29. llam-lOpm.
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DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
13
THIS WEEK ONLY BEST BETS IN ENTERTAINMENT FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2QTH ~ ""g路" -'
'""'""'"
THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE TELETHON
RADIOHEAD COVER NIGHT
1078 GALLERY Bogg presents: Bogg (duh), Lisa Valentine, Aubrey Debauchery, Loki Miller, Aamir Malik, Matt Hammons, Sketch Valley and Steve Sax's Im prov Troupe, Everybody In Outer Space, Santa Claus, Jesus. All ages. $12/advance, $15/ door. Doors 7:30pm, show 8pm
CAFE CODA The Shimmies, Muddy Sours, Big Tree Fall Down, The Ultimate Sword vs The Perfect Shield, Brandon Hilty, Mondegreens, Bogg, Cities, Surf Ninjas, The Party, American Sisters, Matt Hammons, Thomas Fogg, Touch Fuzzy Get Dizzy, Tyler Davis, and many more. All ages. $5/$10. doors at 7:30pm, music at 8pm sharp.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2QTH
The . Tw1UGHT. 路 ZONE .
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21 5 T
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21 5T
TWILIGHT ZONE LIVE
THE YULE LOGS CHICO WOMEN'S CLUB This show is the really big one-so big they had to give it two nights to accommodate the demand. This is the first of the two, and both will probably sell out, so get your tickets early! $10/ adult, $5/kids 12 and under. Advance tickets available at Birkenstock's downtown.
BLUE ROOM THEATRE The Blue Room late night shows finally return with a double feature of two classic episodes: Night of the Meek, and Four Characters in Search of an Exit. All the creepy you can handle! Directed by Craig Blamer. $8. 7:30pm
OTHER NEW AND EXCITING THINGS 17 TUESDAY El Rey Theatre: Sizzla, Pyrx, Mystic
Roots, J-Ras, !fa-Journey. $25. 6:30pm Sierra Nevada Big Room: Leftover
Cuties & The Novelists. $15. 7:30pm
18 WEDNESDAY The Argus: The Yule Logs acoustic. 7pm Cafe Flo: Jenny Lou of Nashville, fol-
lowed by the HotToddies. 7-lOpm
19 THURSDAY Cafe Coda: #1 Holiday Prag Show, feat
Winchester Goose: Fundraiser for the
Cafe Flo: Mark Wilpolt and his X-Mas
Live. Two classic episodes: Night of
Pageant Theater: Go Digital or Go Dark Art Show and Auction. 5-9pm
Xstravaganza, featuring the X-mas
the Meek, Four Characters in Search
Xting band. 7-lOpm
of an Exit. $8. 7:30pm
20 FRIDAY
DownLo: King & Queen. The living
Chico Women's Club: The Yule Logs.
Cafe Flo: Mark Wilpolt and his X-Mas
Xstravaganza, featuring the X-mas Xting band. 7-lOpm Chico Women's Club: KZFR Holiday
Bash, live music by Bahapki. Free. 7pm
$10/adult, $5/kids 12 and under.
Carole King & Queen. 8-llpm
Advance tickets available at Birkenstock's downtown .
Lost On Main: Los Morros Del Norte
9pm
The Tackle Box: Country music from
The Maltese: Twisted Strategies, Mak-
Chris Gardner. $5
ers Mile, Dj Dan K. $3. 8pm
Eastwind Bellydance Troupe, Maker's Mile, Low Flying Birds, Resonators, Suns of the Pacific, DJ Miles, Gnarly
21 SATURDAY
The Tackle Box: Country music from
Clouds On Strings, Bustin Jieber, Sofa King, Avant Groove. $5. 8pm
Blue Room Theatre: Twilight Zone
Northern Traditionz. $5.
Lost On Main: lshi Dube, Mr Music.
the Meek, Four Characters in Search
9pm
of an Exit. $8. 7:30pm
DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
DownLo: Bad Santa Xmas Party
with host Julian Ruck. Jess Braun,
Live . Two classic episodes: Night of
14
karaoke band presents the music of
Klaus . 4pm-lam
22 SUNDAY Blue Room Theatre: Twilight Zone
SYN TH ESI SWE EKLY.COM
ONGOING EVENTS 16 MONDAY
18 WEDNESDAY
The Bear: Bear-E-oke! 9pm
lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Open
Has Beans: Open Mic Night. 7-lOpm. Signups start at 6pm
Peeking Chinese Restaurant:
BassMint. Weekly electronic dance party. $3. 9:30pm
Mic. All ages. 7pm
Holiday Inn Bar: Karaoke. 8-llpm
Avenue 9 Gallery: Lenn Goldmann :
LaSalle's: Thirsty Thursdays, featur-
New California Abstrcts . 12-Spm
ing Mack Morris
5:30-6:30pm
The Bear: Trike Races. Wint-shirts
Maltese: Karaoke. 9pm-close.
DownLo: Pool League. 3 player
and Bear Bucks. Post time lOpm. Mug Club 4-lOpm
night and DJ Eclectic. 9pm
Cafe Flo: Carey Robinson Trio. 5-7pm
Quackers: Karaoke night with Andy.
Chico Women's Club: Afro Brazilian
9pm-lam
New California Abstrcts. 12-Spm
Maltese: Open Mic Night. Music.
Sign ups at 8pm , starts at 9pm. Mug Night 7-11 :30pm
Dance. 5:30-7pm
University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm
The Bear: DJ Dancing. No Cover. 9pm
DownLo: 8 Ball Tournament. Signups
VIP Ultra Lounge: Acoustic perfor-
Cal Skate: Adults only skate night. $6.
University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm
6pm
18+.9-llpm
Woodstock's: Spelling Bee for the Grownups. 6:30-7:30pm
Duffy's: Dance Night! DJ Spenny and Jeff Howse. 9pm . $1.
mance with Bradley Relf. 7-9pm. No Cover. Woodstock's: Open Mic Night.
Dancing. 10pm-1:30am
20 FRIDAY
noon, starts at lpm.
Cafe Flo: Live Jazz Happy Hour with
the Carey Robinson Trio. 5-7pm Chico Women's Club: Prenatal Yoga.
teams, signup with bartender. 7pm. All ages until lOpm
Panama's: Eclectic Nights. Buck
The Graduate: Free Pool after lOpm
17 TUESDAY
Jesus Center: Derelict Voice Writ-
Cafe Flo: Open Mic Singer-Songwrit-
er Night with Aaron Jaqua. 7-9pm
ing Group, everyone welcome. 9-10:30am
Chico Women's Club: Yoga. 9-lOam .
Maltese: Friends With Vinyl!
Afro Carribean Dance. $10/class or $35/mo. 5:50-7pm . Followed by Capoeira, $3-$10. 7:30-8:30pm
Bring your vinyl and share up to 3 songs/12 minutes on the turntable. 9pm-lam
Crazy Horse Saloon: All Request
The Tackle Box: Swing Dance
Karaoke. 21+
Wednesday, classes 7-9pm
DownLo: Game night. All ages until
University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm
lOpm
VIP Ultra Lounge: Laurie Dana.
Farm Star Pizza: Live Jazz with Shi-
7-9pm
gemi and Friends. 6:30-8:30pm
Woodstock's: Trivia Night plus Happy
Holiday Inn Bar: Salsa Lessons,
Hour. call at 4pm to reserve a table . Starts at 8pm
7-lOpm LaSalle's: '90s night. 21 + Maltese: Karaoke. 9pm-Close Studio Inn Lounge: Karaoke. 8:30pm-
lam The Tackle Box: Karaoke . 9pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Woodstock's: Trivia Challenge. Call
at 4pm to reserve a table. Starts 6:30pm
lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Acoustic Music Singer Songwriter Showcase: Flying Blind. 7:30pm Avenue 9 Gallery: Lenn Goldmann :
New California Abstrcts. 12-Spm
Avenue 9 Gallery: Lenn Goldmann :
DownLo: Chico Jazz Collective every
Thursday. 8-llpm. All ages until lOpm
Avenue 9 Gallery: Lenn Goldmann:
Crazy Horse Saloon: Ladies Night
DownLo: 9 Ball tournament. Signups
The Graduate: Free Pool after lOpm
8pm-midnight
Maltese: Live Music. 9pm Quackers: Live DJ . 8:30pm-lam
Cafe Coda: Friday Morning Jazz with
Scotty's Landing: Music Showcase. Open Mic hosted by Rich & Kendall. 5-9pm
showcase. 7-lOpm
SICILIAN CAFEI
Holiday Inn Bar: DJ Dancing. 70s and
The Bear: DJ Dancing No Cover. 9pm
Bogg. llam
IT'S A BOUNTIFUL FALL HARVEST AT
80s music. The Molly Gunn's Revival!
LaSalle's: 1980Now! 8pm
University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm
Chico Yoga Center: Friday Night
Dance Jam with Mark Johnson. $10. 7-8 :30pm
22 SUNDAY
Crazy Horse Saloon: Fusion Fridays.
DownLo: Free Pool, 1 hour with every $8 purchase. All ages until lOpm
Country dance lessons 9-10:30pm DownLo:
Cafe Flo: Blues Unplugged with Mark "Porkchop" Holder. 7-lOpm
lOOth Monkey Cafe & Books: Knit-
ting Circle. 2-4pm
9pm-close. $2, $10 VIP
New California Abstrcts . 12-Spm The Bear: DJ Dancing. No Cover. 9pm
21 SATURDAY
The Beach: DJ 2K & Mack Morris.
Cafe Flo: Flo Sessions weekly music
19 THURSDAY
University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm
Yz off pool. All ages until
lOpm Duffy's: Pub Scouts- Happy Hour.
4-7pm
LaSalle's: Karaoke . 9pm Maltese: Walking Dead Viewing
Party. 9pm The Tackle Box: Karaoke. 8pm
The Graduate: Free Pool after lOpm Holiday Inn Bar: DJ Dance Party.
8pm-midnight. The Graduate: Free pool after lOpm
Maltese: LGBTQ+ Dance Party. 9pm
1020 MAIN STREET CHICO L••?) 530.3~5.2233 CG ••~ FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO • SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
DE CEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 201 3
15
ON THE TOWN
OLD CROCK PHOTOS BY JESSICA SID
BY JAIME O' NEILL - JAIMEANDKARENONEILL@GMAILCOM
AN OLDER GENTLEMAN GIVES HIS TOP TEN REASONS FACEBOOK KINDA SUCKS, AND SAYS EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN THINKING. Ok, I know that as a guy well over 30, my opinion about anything related to personal computers and their usage is pretty much irrelevant. But I've been checking in on Facebook a couple of times a day for several months now, and I pretty much hate it. Perhaps I just don't have the right "friends," but most of the time I've spent reading (and sometimes responding to) the stuff on Facebook has been an utterly wasted. Compared to Facebook, my adolescent years spent lounging around pool halls were as well used as if I'd applied that time to cancer research. If you want to kill time, Facebook is the preferred murder weapon. Here are ten reasons why I think Facebook sucks. 1. It was visited on humanity by Mark Zuckerberg, a guy who was looking for a way to rate which co-eds at Harvard were "hot," and which were "not." Even if that's not quite how we got this technology, Zuckerberg still seems kind of like a bozo, and young bozos with billions of dollars just piss me off. He reminds me of damn near every dweeby frat boy I've ever seen on the streets of Chico on a Friday night. And he's worth about $19 billion. That's just wrong.
2. Cat videos. I love cats, and am completely gaga over cute kittens. But enough, already. The obsession with cats and kittens is beginning to make me think my own species is really addled, and a bit dim. 3. Philosophy for the ages. On my Facebook page, I have a whole bunch of people who want to make me wiser by sharing platitudes and tips on living. Every. Single. Day. Dozens and dozens of burbles of bullshit, cosmic awareness of a kind that makes New Agers from the 70s seem like Plato or Aristotle. Mostly, the profundities on Facebook are variations on a couple of themes-"money isn't everything," "be nice," "make haste to live," or "make today special." Got it.
16
DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
4. Selfies. C'mon. You're adorable, but enough already. 5. Food pictures. If the narcissism of selfies wasn't enough, now we have to know what our "friends" are eating, or have just eaten, and they want us to know this essential bit of information pretty much in real time. 6. Sunsets and beaches. Ok, we knew you had a camera after the first dozen or so selfies you posted. And you like beaches and sunsets. We get it. 7. Urgent appeals from Obama, Pelosi, or the Democratic Central Committee. Yes, I'm a Democrat, and yes, I want to lend support to just about anything that upsets the fuckin' Republicans, but I get pleas for money or signatures or other assistance. Every. Single. Day. Those appeals all tend to over-hype whatever the current issue is, making every entreaty a "crisis." 8. Kids on skateboards, hurting themselves. Not funny. 9. Tales of relationship woes. T.M.I. Every. Single. Day. 10. Whining about hangovers while simultaneously kinda bragging about hangovers. I stopped thinking this was cool back during the Johnson administration.
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
SPORTS BALL BY DAN O'BRIEN - AMA LGAMCONSU LTING@GMAILCOM
PHOTOS BY JESSICA SID
ON THE TOWN
WE NEED LESS TALK; MORE ROCK (GET IT? BECAUSE PEOPLE SOMETIMES CALL A BASKETBALL A ROCK). CLICK LIKE IF YOU AGREE
With Dwight Howard choosing potential over legacy, the second chapter of the Dwightmare comes to a close. The question on a lot of fans minds is whether Dwight Howard has replaced Lebron James in the "diva -seeking-an-audience-with-theworld" category. In the summer of 2010, everyone thought they knew where James was going; only a few truly knew. The same probabilities bounced around all of the major sports venues, with odds posted on Bleacher Report articles boasting thousands of views. Is this a case of the recency effect? Are we more perturbed by Howard because it is a fresh whiff of the sanctimonious grandstanding that has become en vogue in the NBA? I gather all such emotional decisions garner equal ire. There is a tendency to get upset at the decisions of others, rife with rationalizing about why we are so invested. Should we be upset about Dwight Howard holding teams hostage for two summers in a row? Perhaps, but maybe not for the reasons we think. The search for greener pastures is not specific to Howard, or James. Both are dominant at their position, and in James' case, probably the most dominant twoway player on the planet. They want to win rings. They want to be able to say that they not only played at the highest
level, but that they also achieved and were champions among the very best. This sentiment, in a vacuum, is something that all people who aspire to the best in their field feel and exude. The difference in this case is the public forum in which both players decide to make their decisions known. There is a sense of wanting everyone to know what is going on, to have us all wait with bated breath, but then not to be judged or criticized for the manner with which they conducted themselves. Both trumped-up ceremonies will create lasting marks on the careers of both players. The sheer fact that we think of the Dwightmare as an enduring legacy reminds us of its potency; just as we recall Howard's waffling in Orlando, we also can see James sitting in front of the camera announcing that he was "taking his talents to South Beach" with a crowd of children from the Boys & Girls Club in the background. Action speaks louder than words. I think this kind of grandstanding (with Howard and James being the most prominent in recent memory, but certainly not the only superstar free agents to rock the boat) has set a new bar in terms of what is required after a media meltdown. The process has become secondary to the form. You can waffle and demand what you will, as long as you deliver.
FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO â&#x20AC;˘ SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
DECEMBER 16 - DECE MBER 22, 2013
17
ON THE TOWN
PHOTOS BY VINCE LATHAM FACEBOOK.COM/VANGUARD.PHOTOGRAPHY
LIKE, LITERALLY BY JAYM E WASHBURN - EDITORIAL@SYNTHESIS.NET
FOUR STRANGE BOOKS THAT WILL OPEN YOUR EYES AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER
~ dc:4~
fl(ll)I.
18
DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 201 3
f!.ob11110~
4. Edward Gorey retells Dicken's A Christmas Carol and wins.
3. For kids bored of hearing about Rudolph and Frosty, Flamingo is sure to impress.
2. Oh unholy night! Those elves have their hands full this Christmas season.
1. Oh, Santa! No! No! No! This book gets the award for being the strangest holiday book. Try unseeing that!
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
HOWL HOWLMOVESMOUNTAINSTUMBLR.COM
PHOTOS BY VINCE LATHAM FACEBOOK.COM/VANGUARD.PHOTOGRAPHY
ON THE TOWN
OLD FLAME
art by Joe Demarco
I wandered through the rooms, each one full of the noises of Sunday Brunch. My flute of champagne was half-empty, and when I saw her alone in the den, I sat next to her with hopes of turning it half-full. There we were! Years had passed, other partners had come and gone, entire oceans had opened up between us, and now we were sharing the same space once more. How did it feel? It was full of our old sorrow, of course: that same depression. But neither of us had time for that anymore. We refused to acknowledge the anchor lying between us. Before we dove into our dance, the dance of masks, the game of appearing to be free from the other, I made a mental list:
Here are my achievements, here is my art. She let the silence grow, and my list shrugged uncomfortably in my head. My work, and my victories, and my poetry ... they all clamored to be expressed; they grew into a noisome static behind my eyes. Before the dance of conversation began, within the brief silence of her gaze, the static grew aware of itself; it felt itself to be small, inconsequential. My victorious list shrunk to the size of a fly, and it flew to
land on the wall of her bedroom, where it became engrossed with the weight of her life. No one has seen my poetry in this room, and no one has benefited from my work. The last two years of my life away from her were now only a fly on her wall, a fly which watched silently for her next move. Her mouth finally opened; my held breath escaped from nearly closed lips. The dance of masks had begun. The anchor continued to sit between us, ignored, and I followed her small dramas with religious intensity. She related her troubles, her vague discomforts, and I longed deeply to turn them into victories for her. With a moment of silence, she had transformed all my unique achievements into a fly on her bedroom wall. "/must make her room beautiful," the fly said, "or I must die." During these two years apart, I was sure I was important. I was sure we were different. As I listened to her, it became clear that beneath our masks, we were both small, winged creatures, surveying a shared landscape.
FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO â&#x20AC;˘ SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
19
PREVIEW
WE DON'T HEAR ENOUGH ABOUT LEFTOVER CUTIES; BY THE SECOND PARAGRAPH YOU'LL STAND UP AND CHEER BY JAIME O'NEILL
BY DAIN SANDOVAL
There are more than a few bands or performers I'd never heard of until Bob Littell booked 'em for the Sierra Nevada Big Room, so I'm kinda indebted to him for acquainting me with some fine music and musicians I wouldn't have known but for the public service he provides by spreading the good news about good music, not only to people like me, but to the people who then later learn about that music when I've written about the pleasures afforded me through that great local venue.
Welcome to the Nog Log 2013! This is more like a observation log and less an article. Throughout, I make notes on a totally subjective scale; no science here. I begin the nog season with last year's favorite and continue until I have tasted all I care to taste or until holidaybutt has set in so fierce I can no longer fit into my pants. Enjoy! Lactaid (green carton) was my winner from 2012. Got my first carton of the year at FoodMaxx a few days before Halloween. Nog season started early in 2013!
It's not just me who gets his musical horizons widened because of Bob's bookings. I always wind up talking to people at those Big Room shows, and there are always fellow music lovers who tell me they'd not heard of the band we're about to hear. But, like me, they're always comfortable about the prospect of liking whatever band 's about to play because the Littell lineups have been so consistently good in the past. My mantra concerning local musical appearances is that "if Littell books 'em, I'm bound to like 'em." It's pretty likely you will, too. And I'm entirely confident that's going to be the case with the Leftover Cuti es, who are turning up in the Big Room tomorrow night, December 17th. When Bob heard the band play at last summer's World Fest in Nevada City, he just knew he had to bring them to Chico because they were the talk of that gathering. They're a jazz-tinged LA band with a terrific lead singer (Shirli McAllen) and three very compatible musicians backing her up (Austin Nicholsen on bass and vocals, Mike Bolger on brass, keyboards, accordion, and vocals, and Stuart Johnson providing vocals and percussion). They're all about as down home as you can get. In fact, they hardly seem like an LA band at all if you think of the LA music scene the way I often do-as a place that produces various clots of trendy musicians trying to win recognition with an array of gimmickry or hip posturing. Fans of the The Big C, that series on Showtime starring Laura Linney, may be
20
READ THIS NOG LOG AND GET READY TO SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY TRYING TO PICK YOUR JAW UP OFF THE FLOOR
It brings with it a slight embarrassment since people think you have a "condition," but the flavor and thickness are unbeatable. Extra points for being real ingredients.
The black carton is your basic nog, a bit on the sweet side but good thickness. Noticed that Hood makes it; Hood is nationally rated Horizon Organic (red carton) tastes like chemical bananas. Plus it's low fat. Fail and as a top supermarket nog (Hood brand makes fail. I actually liked this shit a few years ago. both the SoCo and Lactaid line) Next. Found Strauss Creamery Nog at Chico
familiar with the Leftover Cuties because they provided the theme song for that show-"Game Called Life," a charming little number that tends to take up residence in one's head after only a few listenings. The band's second album, The Spark and the Fire, was released last July, and it garnered a bunch of good reviews, some of them attributable, no doubt, to the craftsmanship and honest sharing of personal pain found in Shirli McAllen's songwriting (sample lyric from the song "One Heart": "Another strike/ another ache/How much hurt can one take?/ How many times can one heart break?") I sampled a few of their other songs on YouTube, just enough to whet my appetite for what the band will be performing tomorrow night. If you are curious, but don't share my faith in Bob Littell's musical taste, you ought to check out either of the band's two albums, or take a cruise by what's available on YouTube. I'm fairly sure that if you do, you'll make a point of being in the audience at their upcoming Big Room show.
DE CE MBE R 16 - DECE MBER 22, 2013
So Delicious Coconut Milk Nog-Nope.
Nope nope nope. Nope. Silk Soy Nog-Die. A thousand deaths.
New top spot to Berkeley Farms (Target). And wouldn't ya know, it has only milk, cream, sugar, egg yolks, nutmeg as the main ingredients. No corn syrups, which I find make things overly chemical sweettasting. Last year I had all the store brands like Lucerne and Sunny Select and those were crap. Organic Valley was sadly meh. So far Berkeley Farms is winning it. Heard rumors of a Strauss eggnog. Trader Joe's Eggnog also fits the bill. Very
similar to the Berkeley Farms but not as thick. Still looking for Strauss. Not yet had the Strauss but I'm hoping it's great. For me, so far this year's top acceptable nags so far are Berkeley Farms, Trader Joes, Lactaid (green carton, at FoodMaxx). Tip of the hat to Southern Comfort brand. SoCo spiced variety (amber carton) is pleasant and wintery with hints of clove.
Natural. Results? Well, yes, it is about the fanciest nog (and at around $9 after deposit, the most expensive) but it does not win. It is the delicious creamery-fresh Strauss quality I expect with the purest ingredients. It tastes like the most amazing melted French Vanilla ice cream sprinkled with nutmeg. But it lacks "Christmas at Grandma's." Too much hipster and not enough grandma. Grandma didn't drop $9 on eggnog. Her nog was out of a wildly printed cardboard carton and was served with misshapen cookies next to a duraflame fire. So if that makes any sense at all-it's REALLY FUCKING GOOD but it's not able to kick down the nostalgic flavors I need from my nog. Clover Organic from Costco. Well now. This
is about perfect in flavor and color. If it were only a bit thicker-wait-let me mix it with the Berkeley Farms-WINNER! Clover and Berkeley Farms are my top picks
for 2013. Near perfect on their own merits, or mix them together to create a PowerNog that will scissor-kick you into a winter wonderland.
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PART II For a moment, I just sat there, saying nothing, feeling the warmth of this room. The comforting feeling seemed to roll off of him in waves-the man sitting in front of me, I mean. His eyes were crinkled with amusement, some divine joke recalled there that only he remembered. Bushy white eyebrows framed his bright eyes. Big bubbles escaped his mouth in long, slow breaths; the mouth itself framed and accented by a fantastic beard. In our city-under-the-ocean, we lived in water, breathed water, grew in water. A miniature aqueous ecosystem had grown into the old man' s beard. Trails of algae hung from its white threads. Two small seahorses chased each other
around and through the facial forest. Sitting near this man, this sober man (a miraculous trait, in a city of addicts), brought the strangest sensations to my awareness-I was struck by the wondrous feeling of the seawater surrounding me, enveloping my body, and my lungs. How had I not noticed the strangeness of it? I raised my hand and waved it in front of my face, felt the slight resistance of displaced water. Currents pushed by my hands into the space between us caused the man's beard to sway gently. All of it tickled a faint something in the back of my mind, a knowledge of another place. I had always taken it for granted, but living underwater seemed now a strangeness, and a wonder. " Do you remember how you got here?" The old man finally asked. " What a silly question," I thought to myself, " I'd climbed up here, from the alley ...it 'd been dark outside ..." " What I meant is this city-under-the-ocean," he said aloud, reading my thoughts. "How did you get down here?" He leaned forward to grasp my hand, turned it palm up. " Our skin is not blue, like everyone else's. You're not from here, and neither am!." He looked into my eyes. " Do you remember how you got here?" "An elevator shaft." I murmured. The words came seemingly of themselves, like his eyes were drawing them out from my well of lost memory. "Like ...a metal tube, going down from somewhere. A machine." I could see dimly a mental image of it, but I couldn ' t recall being there; couldn't recall seeing the thing with my eyes. " That's right, my boy." he whispered, his grin widening. "An elevator. It's here, somewhere. You must return to it. This city will swallow you whole, unless you escape soon." I grimaced, my heart twisted, and I remembered finally the dream of this morning. For a moment I remembered a life on the surface, in air, under a sun. If I had been up there in this moment, my eyes would've been filled with tears. The clarity of being around this old man was precious, and
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I knew that the Aqueum -trance would sweep it all away : the memory, the very knowledge of my identity. I would forget it all, and perhaps worst of all, I knew I wouldn't mind one bit. " You'll remember. " the old man said, softly. "This isn't your place. Trust who you are. You'll find the surface again." I looked down, nodded, only half-listening. " You ' ll need this soon." the old man said, and he laid an Aqueum pipe in my open hand. " Now, look at me." he demanded. I looked up. The old man's smile persisted. " You'll hit this, and you'll forget." he said. " But you'll remember my face. And eventually, you'll remember how you got down here." At this point, he leaned towards my face, and his gentle voice gained intensity as he spoke. " Pay very close attention when you do. When you remember how you got to this city, it means you're very close to your exit." I stood, back in the alley, a spent Aqueum pipe sinking to the ocean floor. A smiling, bearded face drifted through my memory for a moment, and then the present surged forward in its place. The Aqueum -trance swept through me, and all memories fled before the growing brilliance of what lay before my eyes. A waterwoman was in the act of bounding to her feet. Walls of blue rose to either side of me, and the apartment doors in the walls seemed to wink open and closed with my fluttering eyes. Water surrounded all of us ... "And no one notices but me." I thought. " Not this woman, not this light-fish swimming above our heads ... Water is a reality for myself only, and soon I'll forget it myself." I said the words; knew I was a stranger here, but the heart-wrenching sorrow of it was washed away, for the moment. The waterwoman, that strange, recurring partner of mine, stood before me, drinking in the experience I'd just had in the old man's apartment. To her hallucinating vision, my pores were oozing a glittering gold essence. " So warm." she murmured, breathing deeply. I looked down at our hands; mine had reached out to hold hers. I saw the pores of our skin, saw the vast difference in shade : my hand pale, almost pink, while hers was a bril liant, sapphire blue. Strange ... but still, only an oddity. The high walls of blue coral apartments leaned in over me ... " It's too cramped to think here." I thought. " Yeah! Let 's go out into the city!" She said, feeling my changing mood. I let her pull me into a run, and the last vestiges of memory collapsed under the wondrous high of Aqueum.
Goodness flows gold in veins, and leaves are falling up through the water. Sweat escapes a body, only to be met by the salty Mother Sea that surrounds. Bare feet cling and release the rock. Gulps of water, then bubbles exhaled from a mouth: green and red, then yellow and blue. Oils from insides color the exhalations. My bubbles are my gift to this world. DE CEMBER 16 - DE CEMBER 22, 2013
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DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013 BY KOZ MCKEV
ARIES
TAURUS
GEMINI
CANCER
LEO
VIRGO
One might say that the battle has just begun. Fear no evil. Strive to do good. Not judging evil doers will be your biggest battle. Being generous in times of lack will be your second biggest battle. Travel looks good this week. The full moon in your third house inspires travel and communication. You will reunite with the things that excite and activate you. Find a way to bring more love and beauty to the workplace. Be prepared to change your mind about who you love and what you desire.
Surround yourself with compassion. You are not in control of outcomes at this point. There is only so much any one person can do at this time. Little things done with great love will take you farther than gargantuan projects. Confront the limits and blocks you have to relating to your loved ones. The full moon highlights values, voice, how you treat your throat, and the food that you eat. You may be able to make some serious money. The more you give, the more room you have in your soul to receive.
There is more than one way to experience joy. I've seen
You've got the music in you. This is your last week where hard work and service to others is the main theme. You need to do things to fortify your health. The full moon Monday night through Tuesday morning brings you to the place where past karma motivates present decisions. Lust can get you into trouble. Let go of desire and see yourself as an observer through other peoples eyes. Your current loss may equal future gains. New partnerships are on the horizon. Be the kind of person that you would like to fall in love with.
You are in love with an open heart, yet you are challenged primarily by family issues. Like it or not the hard lessons helped make you the wonderful soul you are today. The full moon Monday and Tuesday may inspire good friends to show up for a spontaneous get together. The moon will be in Leo late Thursday night through Sunday morning inspiring holiday parties and thoughts about the people in your Queendom or Kingdom. Respect your own personal karma and the need for quiet time and meditation.
I live in a culture where many people are separated from parents, siblings, children and grandparents. Few people have deep knowledge of their ancestors anymore. Dig deep and discover or uncover your roots. Those that don't learn
children playing in junk heaps with huge smiles on their faces, while I've witnessed din ks with everything they need and then some, languish in dissatisfaction. There comes a time when you are responsible for your own happiness. When is the last time you gave to someone knowing that they cou Id never pay you back? We're talking agape love here. Surrender your obsessions to one that needs them more. The full moon is asking you to reinvent yourself.
from history are doomed to fail from lack of knowledge. The full moon highlights your career experience, talents and skills as well as your relationship with the public. Creative energy is being incubated in your soul for the next several weeks. Express the matters of the heart with confidence.
LIBRA
SCORPIO
SAGITTARIUS
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
I love seeing people loving each other no matter the culture, the gender or even the type of love were talking about. I enjoy seeing love even when I may not feel like I'm getting any.
Your values are living entities. You are not your beliefs. I can pick any religion or even secular thought and find the same devout do-gooders and the same posing
This is your grand finale week. Share your most opinionated and outlandish self. You are good at having fun. Help others that aren't able to share in this
hypocrites in each one. If you think you know the truth you've
gift. Pleasure should be the result of a job well done rather than something to seek after. The full moon could help you meet a soul mate, get a new job or negotiate a contract. Jupiter encourages you to let go of past woes and misunderstandings. The weekend looks good for travel and exotic experiences. Be proactive rather than reactive.
A beginning is in store for you starting with winter solstice this Saturday morning at 9:11am PST. Stop fearing and begin caring. Meanwhile pay off old debts. Forgive those that have wronged you. Some folks play the blame game and thus never live to anything near their potential. Don't be one of them. Explore
Your social life comes to some sort of grand finale this week. The new theme will be your karma, secrets and the sort of spiritual life that you've cultivated. Lighthearted alliances will eventually turn into deep karma. You may be having the time of your life with a lover. You may feel victimized by a deceptive female. The full moon will help you get to the heart of matters. Get in touch with what your legacy is to future generations. Be involved with the things that are built to last.
Be in touch with your spiritual truth. Now is the time where you've been seen more by the public. Any sort of leadership ability in you is easier to recognize . Your failures are just stepping stones to your next triumph. The full moon highlights family issues and domestic needs. Be sensitive to communication from your parents. The weekend may find you hard at work with others trying to be resourceful for the holidays. By Sunday you' ll
Loving your family is one of the toughest jobs you will ever face. Learn to love the unlovable. The full moon will inspire travel and doing things you've never done before. Learn the harder lessons and be o.k. with it. Get money the hard way. Be the kind of person you want to see in public. Communicate your truth.
probably given up your will to learn more. The full moon rules transformation, letting go, and tantric practices. Spend money on the things that reflect your values. If that means oil companies, then drive a hell of a lot more than you need to. Eat food that builds muscles not body fat. Practice what you preach.
your creative side in a different way. The full moon brings a chance for you to relate better to people at work. Venus, Pluto and the sun moving through your first house could make you a better lover.
be able to relax with lovers and friends.
Koz McKev 1s on You Tube, on cable 11BCTV,1s heard on 901FM KZFR Chk:o, and also available by appOJntment for personal horoscopes. Call (530)891-5147 or e-mail kozmk:kev@sunsetnet
GREAT AUTUMN READ Winter Melon, written by local writer Bill Wong Foey A defiant and passionate young woman survives the Rape of Nanking in this debut novel. Voted Book of the Month for July by Lyons Books "Lives of Asia" book group. In paperback online at Amazon.com and Lyons Book Store, 135 Main Street, or as an e-book from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple iTunes and DirectMusicCafe. ADVERTISEMENT
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DECEMBER 16 - DECEMBER 22, 2013
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