Synthesis Weekly – July 28, 2014

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Volume 20 Issue 49 July 28, 2014

This Week...

Hey Everybody, Let’s talk about Death!

Don’t be scared, this isn’t a weird, depressing journey through the grieving process, nor is it a weird, speculative musing about the afterlife (well, a little bit of it is). No no—this is a weird, fascinating exploration of the world surrounding death itself, and the people who hold its place in the land of the living.

For 20 years The Synthesis’ goal has remained to provide a forum for entertainment, music, humor, community awareness, opinions, and change.

Columns Letter From the Editor

Publisher/Managing Editor

by Amy Olson

amy@synthesis.net

PAGE 4

Creative Director

Immaculate Infection

Tanner Ulsh graphics@synthesis.net

by Bob Howard

Madbob@madbob.com

PAGE 5

Comical Ruminations

by Zooey Mae

PAGE 6

Contributing Writers

pwasted@synthesis.net

Look, pictures!

PAGE 7

Supertime!

logankruidenier.tumblr.com

PAGE 16

Nerd

Accounting Ben Kirby

PAGE 17

Director of Operations Karen Potter

Owner

Preview

Bill Fishkin bill@synthesis.net

Icarus the Owl

PAGE 21

Kozmik Debris

by Koz McKev

PAGE 22

COVER PHOTO Emiliano Garcia-Sarnoff

PAGE 18

Jessica Sid Vincent Latham

Dain Sandoval dain@synthesis.net

by Mona Treme

kozmckev@sunset.net

Arielle Mullen, Bob Howard, Howl, Koz McKev, Tommy Diestel, Jayme Washburn, Eli Schwartz, Mona Treme, Emiliano Garcia-Sarnoff, Jon Williams

Photography

by Logan Kruidenier

Consider the Platypus

Did you go to Sierra Nevada Brewery’s Beer Camp Across America? Maybe some of these pictures are of YOU? Did you miss it completely?

Go look at these pictures and see all the fun people had! Beer! Fun! People! Exclamation points!!!! Special thanks to Alan Sheckter for this collection of great photographs.

Liz Watters, Mike Valdez graphics@synthesis.net Joey Murphy, Jennifer Foti

by Eli Schwartz

PAGE 8

Alex Light Alex@synthesis.net SynthesisWeekly.com/submit-yourevent/

Deliveries

Productivity Wasted

by Emiliano Garcia-Sarnoff

Entertainment Editor

Designers

zooey@synthesis.net

Exotic Adventures in Smalltown, USA

Amy Olson amy@synthesis.net

The Synthesis is both owned and published

by Apartment 8 Productions. All things published in these pages are the property of Apartment 8 Productions and may not be reproduced, copied or used in any other way, shape or form without the written consent of Apartment 8 Productions. One copy (maybe two) of the Synthesis is available free to residents in Butte, Tehama and Shasta counties. Anyone caught removing papers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. All opinions expressed throughout the Synthesis are those of the author and are not necessarily the same opinions as Apartment 8 Productions and the Synthesis.

The Synthesis welcomes, wants, and will even desperately beg for letters because we care what you think. We can be reached via snail mail at the Synthesis, 210 W. 6th St., Chico, California, 95928. Email letters@ synthesis.net. Please sign all of your letters with your real name, address and preferably a phone number. We may also edit your submission for content and space.

210 West 6th Street Chico Ca 95928 530.899.7708 editorial@synthesis.net

FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 3

PET OF THE WEEK

The Opposite of Living Arthur This handsome boy is Arthur! Arthur loves having a comfy lap to curl up on as well as playing with lots of squeaky toys! He wants to be friends with everyone he meets but fast movement seem to startle him, so he would do best in a home without small children. This little guy would love to hang out and go on all of your adventures! Arthur loves affection so he would prefer to be the only dog in the house.

If you are looking for a lively cuddle bug to brighten up your life, Arthur is your guy!

2579 Fair Street Chico, CA 95928 (530) 343-7917 • buttehumane.org

Now Hear This SYNTHESIS WEEKLY PLAYLIST Dom Kennedy

To kick off the week, I had the honor of joining a group of lucky dinner guests at Ms. Sarah Fragoso’s house. Beautiful people were laughing and swapping exotic travel stories, the lady herself slaved over a hot stove to serve us about ten fantastic dishes from her new Everyday Paleo Thai Cuisine cookbook… I made myself very small and unobtrusive in the corner, hiding my unshaven legs and drinking the Kirkland Signature wine we brought not realizing it was going to be a fancy party... I was really impressed by the food though—it was not white-girlThai or weird-diet-Thai, it was totally legit and absolutely delicious. It was like going to a great restaurant that used only the finest ingredients and served you the moment each dish was ready—spicy and savory and aromatic delights, one after another, for hours.

I mention this not [only] as a nudge to check out her truly wonderful book, or a way to brag about how socially awkward I am around fancy people; I mention it because something she told me added tinder to the little sparks that have been popping in my head ever since I read Emiliano’s piece on Bubbles Laundry a couple weeks ago.

Tanner

Jeff Rosenstock - “Beers Again, Alone”

Liz

TV on the Radio - “Will Do”

Mike

Dom Kennedy - “Still Callin”

Dain

John Hartford - “Bumble Bee in a Jug”

Alex

Bjork - “Mutual Core”

Amy

Jay Ungar - “Lovers Waltz”

Dinah

Jose Gonzales - “Step Out”

4

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM JULY 28 2014

I had asked about her trip to Thailand and how she got her recipes, whether she knew anyone or if her publisher had set up any contacts, and she told me they just showed up and started talking to people; getting cooking lessons and gathering family recipes, visiting organic farms, learning the philosophy and techniques that make the food what it is. The idea of doing that—immersing yourself in the experiences of strangers, listening to their stories, allowing new worlds to unfold around you as each encounter leads to another in a great stream of collective-consciousness…

Once upon a time I lived my life that way.

Granted, I did it in a stupidly dangerous way: putting my life in the hands of any driver that would pull to the side of the highway,

attaching myself to groups of questionably sane/questionably trustworthy people because the place they were going sounded fun or they had space in their car or they knew an abandoned house we could sleep in when it was really cold outside… There was definitely drama sometimes, but then other times there would be these miraculous experiences— people who came along right at the moment you needed them most, offering such pure and sincere kindness; coincidences that gave you a little shiver down your spine and made it seem like everything was actually happening for a reason; stunningly beautiful moments in nature that you never would’ve seen had you not been so directly exposed to the elements.

And that’s the thing: exposure. The vulnerability is what allows those profound emotions, those surprises, those big things to happen. Somewhere along the way I stopped waking up with that burning for adventure, stopped talking to strangers, stopped peeling back the veil that separates each moment from the moment it could be.

Somehow I wound up making myself small and unobtrusive.

Letter From the Editor

by Amy Olson

amy@synthesis.net

High-Speed Internet, NIMBY, and Weed FASTER INTERNET GENERATES GREATER TIME-SQUANDERING OPPORTUNITIES, THE HYPOCRISY OF FRACKING OPPOSITION, AND THE GROWING CULT OF POT. Our service provider recently upgraded their network in our area, and for the first time Trish and I have access to true high-speed, wireless internet. We’ve finally entered the year 2008.

Consequently we’ve been streaming movies and series. Trish is hooked on Orange is the New Black, and I find myself unable to stop watching a 35-episode long program called The Killing. I’m something like fourteen in as we speak. This is rare for me; most series lose me fairly quickly. I think The Killing is working because it focuses on a singular event—a murder—and then follows all the reverberations that result from it. That said, the show is starting to delve into increasingly improbable conspiracy muck and wild coincidence; we may have to break it off if it gets too bizarre.

What the Frack?

There is a lot of collective uproar these days over using hydraulic fracturing to procure regional natural gas. It’s an environmentally degrading process, and hell, I’m against it too—but the problem as I see it starts with demand, and I can’t help but notice a heavy element of the “not in my backyard” mentality at play.

Our fuel consumption arms corrupt governments and supports wars, our fuel consumption has destroyed mountain ranges in West Virginia, our fuel consumption has ruined coastlines and wetland habitats from Alaska to Florida and beyond—yet we keep on pumping. We’re insistent on getting out of the Middle East, but we don’t want to destroy our own habitat, but we don’t want to stop consuming. It’s all fine when it is somewhere else, happening to “others”: Arabs, hillbillies, Inuits, Canadians; we wring our hands a little, pay it some lip service, but never lift a finger to stop it. When the threat of environmental degradation finally comes knocking on our own front doors, then we throw our hands up in despair.

Renewable energy sources are clearly the wave of the future, but America is notoriously slow when it comes to implementing new environmental technologies—the entrenched powers work overtime to sludge up the process of moving forward. In the meantime we need to use less power: drive less, turn off the lights, stop with the A.C. On the topic, indoor marijuana cultivation currently accounts for 1% of energy consumption nationwide and 3% here in California. Those numbers are poised to go up as states loosen restrictions on growth and sales.

Gone to Pot People are crazy for their pot these days. I don’t mind pot; I definitely think it should be decriminalized. That said, I had a problem with pot when I was younger. I lived a solid chunk of my early adult life stoned 24/7.

Those were not great years for me. I wasted a ton of time and money, and missed out on a lot of opportunities. I lived to get baked. I can’t count the number of times I could have gone to some great show, or done something productive, and instead I chose to spend my time sitting on the couch, getting stoned, and watching T.V. We didn’t even have the highquality video games available today. I know some people who handle their pot really well, and others for whom it is a detriment to their quality of life. But you know, to each their own.

Immaculate Infection

by Bob Howard Madbob@madbob.com

FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 5

LIFE IN CHICO Do you like Life in Chico? So do we! -“Like” Life in Chico, CA facebook.com/ChicoCA

I Love It All So Much Right Now This last weekend I escaped the sweltering heat of Butte County (aka “the devil’s butthole”), and made my way to the great Northwest, (aka “just like Chico but better in every imaginable way”). I visited PDX Pop Now, caught up with old friends, and reveled in the incredible feeling of seeing people everywhere who weren’t familiar to me.

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SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM JULY 28 2014

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One of my favorite spots in Portland is located in a hotel, on the second floor landing which looks out onto the lobby. The bottom floor is full of overstuffed couches, expertly-placed fishbowls and succulents, and bored looking beautiful people draped over each piece of furniture. On the landing however, there’s a small bank of computers, large jars of rubber bands, hotel stationery pads, golf pencils, and a giant, old card catalog chest with unlabeled drawers. In each drawer there are stacks upon stacks of pages from the hotel stationery pads, filled with people’s thoughts, secrets, drawings, etc. I could spend all day in there if it weren’t for the dead smell that emanates from the inside of those drawers. This week I figured I’d bring a little of the Northwest back with me and share with you a handful of the secrets I saw, a random bunch.

“Alohamora is the best spell because the magic in this world breaks down barriers and brings people together. HALD: Hufflepuffs against locked doors.”

“I have had an abortion don’t hate me!”

“This is the best it’s ever been. It won’t last.

But I love it all so much right now.”

“August 10, 2013: We, two travelers, Came to Portland on a whim. Adventures, we’ve had.”

“Myspace.com/Slim77665047102471” “A List Of Truths I’m Not Proud Of: I’ve had an affair, I worked in pornography, I had an Internet boyfriend, I kicked my dog once.”

“I love Amanda Poole. A LOT.” “Dear Jenny, I’m sorry, I loved you at first. But then I learned more about you and myself. I was selfish and wanted more sex, you thought I was a jerk and wanted less. I became the jerk you presumed. I even fucked your sister.

Sorry.”

“I wish it could all just slow down.”

“5/9/09 This is Heaven. I have swine flu… and didn’t tell anyone.”

“Dear universe, please let me accept love. And learn how to truly give it. Thanks, Lauren. xo” “Stacey Steinwell (spotlight cheer studios) lives with her parents!!”

“Natalie, I traveled into the future and I’m writing you this at age 54. They built two skyscrapers in downtown and I live in a penthouse on the top of one. You live in the top of the other because you never stopped creeping. You are still driving around the mini and you have pink hair. I can’t discuss anything else because I don’t want to change the course of the future. I’ll see you around.

DD”

Comical Ruminations

by Zooey Mae

zooey@synthesis.net

“Prom Night?”

Telltale’s The Walking Dead, S2E4: “Amid The Ruins” THE PAIN TRAIN DOES NOT STOP Productivity Wasted

by Eli Schwartz p.wasted@synthesis.net

If Season Two of Telltale’s choose-your-ownmisadventure experience has had any strong theme, it’s that life is hard, death is easy, and you can save some people some of the time, but you can’t save all people all of the time—or even some people, some of the time.

Perhaps the same thing could have been said about Season One, but the first season was a long journey and it didn’t always feel like the wheels were falling off your bus, whereas Season Two maintains perfect eye contact while it explodes the bus, along with all of your supplies and friends.

In the beginning of the season, it was more about Clementine standing on her own, and then integrating herself into a new group. Episode four takes us back to a difficulty reminiscent of Season One: the party knows each other, hates each other, and relies on each other. Just as the player was forced to keep the team together as both leader, mediator, and fighter, so too now must Clementine. Nevermind the fact that Clementine is an eleven-year-old; she’s saved just about everyone’s lives one way or another, and there’s hardly any questioning of her wisdom as she advises the rest of the group. Like Lee, she leads unofficially, she has no real power, but everyone trusts her enough that her opinions often end arguments. At least, temporarily.

The episode begins with the party scattered, infirm, and severely traumatized, and it’s only through a lot of effort that the party can

cooperate at all. Even when they aren’t, they will continue to argue in the face of looming death and responsibility. And, constantly, the episode asks you to trust them, even as they lead you astray, lie to you, betray you, and generally go completely insane. Clementine has been the party’s best supporting member for long enough that they no longer treat her like a child at all. They rely on her, and this episode sees plenty of Clementine becoming more and more adept at killing, talking, and leading. Although much of the beginning (episode one especially) of the season focused on her difficulties being alone and being an eleven-year-old, now she is expected to behave like an adult. Of course, the game will remind you with her dialogue that she isn’t, that she doesn’t always know what to do.

The game will remind you that people die and things go to shit, because in this game people are always dying and things are always going to shit. That’s part of its appeal. The game punches you when you are up, and kicks you harder when you’re down. Sometimes, there is no saving people, sometimes everything goes wrong at once, but always the game gives you just enough mercy to continue; and just enough rope to hang yourself with. Those unfamiliar with the series might be waiting for me to talk about when it gets fun, but the pain and the stress is fun. The game is a cathartic ride through emotions and fear and critical thinking, and it gives an incredible experience.

What more could we ask from our art?

FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 7

by Emiliano Garcia-Sarnoff

CHAPTER 1. THE FUTURE OF LOVE. Location: Brusie Funeral Homes and Cemeteries Website, Grief and Healing Tab. (IRL Location: Couch, boxer-briefs.)

Launch Interactive Aftercare. [click] Appearing on screen is Dr. Virginia Simpson, in lustrous black pantsuit over wine-red blouse, cascades of blond-brown hair and urbane glasses—the very platonic ideal of a $350-a-50min therapist.

Dr. Virginia Simpson: “We want you to feel at ease for the next few moments. Please select the setting that makes you feel the most comfortable. Would it be the beauty of a garden? The tranquility of a brook in the woods? The serenity of the rolling hills? Or a majestic blue sky? Possibly the soothing rays of the sun? Or my personal favorite, the peace and strength of the ocean.”

Rays of the Sun. [click] Dr. Virginia Simpson floats from the waist up in front of a complicated blue sky; clouds tinged yellow-white at edges and smeared by Rays of The Sun. Dr. Virgina Simpson (voice quavering with feeling-your-pain, plus exact gesticulatory style of Bill Clinton): “Talking about death is so difficult.

But I would like to hear about how your loved one died. What type of loss have you experienced?”

website, 32,138,432 people around the world have died so far this year. You can sit there and watch the numbers tick up every half-second or so.

But what about you? What are the odds that you—yes you out there—will die in the next year? Seeing as you read this publication, you’re probably young. Let’s say you’re 25. And an average American? Well then, your odds of dying over the next year are roughly 1 in 3000. Not too bad, eh? Party on.

But things get exponentially worse. Literally.

Every eight years, your odds roughly double.* So if, reader, you’re not 25 but are in fact 33, then your odds of surviving the next year are about 1 in 1500. 41-years-old? 1 in 750. And so on.

Until, finally, the upward arching line of the graph reaches 1 in 1. 100% death.

And the way you’ll die—if you do die this year— changes dramatically with age, too. If you’re a 20-year-old-male, there’s a whopping 80% chance that it’ll be from something violent and terrible; an accident, from killing yourself, or from someone killing you (males are more than twice as likely to die at 20 than women). By age 50, though, those factors make up just 10% of your death risk. Then it’s all hospitals and tubes, heart attacks, cancer and dying from taking a nap.

Death from senescence, it’s called.

Those are some numbers. But what about when The Inevitable comes? What then?

CHAPTER 2. ARE YOU FEELING LUCKY, PUNK? WELL, ARE YOU? (OR: WHEREIN THE WRITER COBBLES TOGETHER STATISTICS PLAGIARIZED FROM THE INTERNET LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL SOPHOMORE.) It’s 12:48pm, Thursday, July 24th. According to worldometers, the “real time world statistics” 8

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM JULY 28 2014

* This odd doubling-every-eight-years fact was first pointed out by British actuary Benjamin Gompertz in 1825. It apparently holds true across cultures/epochs. It’s referred to as the “Gompertz Law of Human Mortality.” I learned about it and used numbers from the blog Gravity and Levity, and was pointed toward that blog from a post by Robert Krulwich on NPR.

CHAPTER 3. IRONY IS EASY WITH $ SIGNS AND ®S AND DEEP HUMAN EVENTS IN THE SAME SPACE. “Let me just close the casket,” comes Mark Brusie’s soft, low voice from the other room. “Ok, you can come in now.”

I go through a cream-colored curtain and into a dimly lit, antique looking room with floral carpet. There are fake trees in the corners, rows of benches with tissue paper dispensers placed at even intervals, and a cross-shaped lectern. Mark and I are standing next to a gleaming white casket with a dead body inside of it.

Off to the side of the casket there’s an odd little room behind a sheer curtain. The “Family Room,” Mark explains. Families used to—and in the North East often still do—sit separately from the rest of the mourners. “To be protected,” Mark says. “But in California we let things change faster. We’re more willing to let go of old traditions.”

The proximity to the dead body unnerves me, slightly. But, of course, it’s the most natural thing in the world to Mark. Along with his sister and his wife, Mark runs Brusie Funeral Homes and Cemeteries, which includes Chico Cemetery, Glen Oaks Memorial Park, Bidwell Chapel and, where I’m currently standing, Brusie Funeral Home, on Broadway, right downtown. Mark’s Grandfather bought this location back in 1942, though it’s been a funeral home since 1901. The Brusie’s are without a doubt the leading family in Chico’s “Death Care Industry.”

Mark is maybe 6’2”, with broad shoulders and brown hair. He wears matching leather shoes/belt, spotless pressed shirt, an expensive-looking watch.

He takes his time with questions, looking off to the side as if considering which secrets to share.

I ask Mark what would happen with my body if I were to die tomorrow.

“You’re a young person, so your death would not be natural,” Mark explains. “So you’d be a coroner’s case. If you’re obviously dead, the sheriff would take your body… here.”

Mark explains that the Butte County Coroner doesn’t have their own facility for autopsies, so bodies are brought to the “mortuary on call.” It rotates monthly. Brusie Funeral Home has this month, July.

Then, Mark explains, I’d be stored in a walk-in

refrigerator, which can accommodate up to eight bodies.

an artery and that pressure pushes the blood out of a vein.”

“Like in those drawers?” I ask, since the entirety of my knowledge—like yours—comes from movies/ TV. “No. Those sliding drawer set-ups are very expensive,” Mark says. “But they do look good in Hollywood movies.” It’s more like what you’d see in the back of a restaurant.

“Oh,” I mumble, as we head into the showroom, which is filled with coffins and urns. “And then the make-up artist comes in?” I ask, still bugeyed and forehead-furled from the embalming description.

At some point I’d be wheeled into the prep room (sometimes called the surgery room), where autopsies, dressing, and embalming are performed. After the autopsy (insert movie/TV knowledge here, since the Coroner never called me back—though Mark says that autopsies take about two hours and that the movies/TV get it basically right.) and the death is certified, things would depend on family preferences. If my body were to be shown at a funeral, then I’d need embalming.

“People always say ‘you suck the blood out,’ Mark says. “But that’s not true. Technically.”

Embalming is the replacing of the blood with chemicals to preserve the body. “Your heart is the pump that pressurizes your vascular system. So when you’re dead there’s no pressure. To create that pressure we use a pump to inject fluid into

Mark smiles. This isn’t a large funeral home, Mark explains. There’s no full-on make-up artist. “The same person might mow the lawn in the morning and be doing hair and make-up in the afternoon,” he says.

At the upper end of caskets in the Brusie showroom is the $5,095 + tax “Prominence,” made out of luxurious dark sycamore, with the build and finish of a Lexus. The Prominence is equipped with the Memory Safe® drawer, which slides out with a click, and in which people can place “a picture, or a pack of cigarettes, or other little funny things,” as Mark explains. As with all the caskets and per State law, there’s a little sign on the side of the Prominence that reads, “There is no scientific or other evidence that any casket with sealing device will preserve human remains.”

Still, it’s one fine box for decomposing in.

On the other end of the spectrum is the $50

“Minimum Cardboard.” It’s just for getting you over to the crematorium for immolation. One get’s the sense that there was probably a bullet point on “Minimum Cardboard’s” sign that read, “Perfect for Unloved Family Members!” but then they decided to erase it.

A middle path is available, too. You can rent a fancy casket for the funeral, and then get transferred to a cheap box for interment or cremation.

More often than not, these days, it’s cremation.

Partially this is a matter of cost. Burial frequently costs upwards of $7000. But a simple cremation with the Brusie’s can be as cheap as $1400 (or it can be on the Government dime if next-of-kin can’t be found or they’re too broke.)

But there are also cultural shifts. “100 years ago people weren’t as transient,” Mark says. “So you would have grown up in the town where your grandparents grew up. There were family plots.

Now you don’t have a home place where you’ll place your body. So you say, ‘Well, cremate me.’”

I ask Mark what he thinks about how isolated we as a society are from death and dying, with our elderly out of sight in homes and hospitals and our cemeteries rarely visited.

FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 9

“I don’t think it’s healthy to be that separated from it,” Mark says. “Western Society—I don’t know why that is—protects people. Even our industry. [We often put] artificial turf over the open grave to hide the reality of what’s going on here. For me, you put the hand in the dirt, feel the dirt, see the open grave. These are healthy ways of coping with death. Of making it real.”

Our conversation is interrupted by a loud clicking/rattling sound. It’s the sound the Predator makes right before he blasts you with his shoulder mounted Plasma-Cannon or rips out your entire spinal column. “I usually turn that off before I go to funerals,” Brusie says, with a little smile, looking down at his phone.

CHAPTER 4. DEATH OF A SPOUSE. [click] (Selected because of recent break-up,

which, as is accurately said, can feel like a death.)

Dr. Virginia Simpson: “You wake up in the morning to the feel of tears pouring from your eyes.

Because, even in this state of semi-consciousness, you know that if you reach over to the other side of the bed, you will find it empty. You reach out anyway.

Hoping against hope that it was just a bad dream. It wasn’t. Now, when you most need comfort, the one who would embrace you when you were hurt is gone.

At a time when you most need the partner you turn to, they are no longer there to hold you in their arms and help you believe all will be OK. Everything is a reminder.”

CHAPTER 5. FUNERAL CRASHERS. “This vault is what you call a ‘double garden crypt,’” Pat Lehane tells me.

We are looking down into the hole. I’m early for the funeral I’m crashing and Pat, who is the Grounds Manager here at Glen Oaks Memorial Park (as well as Chico Cemetery), is showing me where the body, which has yet to arrive, will go.

A double garden crypt is a burial style in which two caskets go stacked, one on top of the other.

The deceased’s wife has been waiting down there for years.

Like the rest of the Grounds Crew, who’ve spent the morning using a backhoe to dig out the grave and clearing away the soil, Pat wears a grey work shirt, work boots, dickies, walkie-talkie, and mirrored shades. He’s a car guy, and owns a ‘67 El Camino with a 327 in it.

Pat shows me the lowering device, which uses a system of brakes and straps. He tells me about the ongoing Bill-Murray-in-Caddyshack-esque war with the gophers. Then the funeral procession 10

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM JULY 28 2014

arrives.

The deceased is a Navy Veteran of WWII, and the ceremony is taking place in the Veteran Court of Honor. The Flag is at half-mast, as is the little POW flag. Think of this man’s life. Think of it!

He was in WWII, for God’s sake! Think of all he’s seen and done; how the world’s changed before his eyes! Use Saving Private Ryan + your life experience to make a little montage in your mind.

Think about it!

It’s a beautiful bright sunny day; glowing dust motes, breeze in the high trees, dragonflies like little sparkles. Smells of wet grass and freshly turned earth. Memorial parks differ from cemeteries in that the grave markers are flush with the ground and so the sight is tranquil and nonconfrontational, death-wise.

Two young Navy volunteers, in their gleaming white uniforms with those little sailor caps, lead the Ceremony. They take the flag from the casket, fold it, present it to the next-of-kin. One plays that elegiac, mournful song (the one you know from movies/TV) on a Bugle. Eyes are dabbed. Backs are rubbed. There are hugs. And then the mourners depart, and Pat and the other groundskeepers get to the business of lowering the casket into the rich, red-brown clay.

“Like the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz, you will find out how courageous you really are! You may not believe it right now, because you are wounded.

But trust me when I tell you: that you are capable of much more than you know!”

Nearby, there’s a very old man kneeling on a padded bench, carefully cleaning a grave marker with a brush and water he’s pouring from a bottle.

CHAPTER 7. UNICORNS.

I catch the Funeral Director, Dan, an incredibly dapper man in a brimmed hat and suspenders, before he leaves, and ask him if he thinks we as a society are overly separated from death.

Papa: Where do people go when they die?

Gaian: To the place where there’s those stones.

Papa: And then what?

Gaian: They turn to dirt, right?

Papa: Does everyone die?

Gaian: Not our family, because we’re a Unicorn Family. I’m the Big Brother Unicorn and you’re the Papa Unicorn and Mama is the Mama Unicorn and Amaia is the Little Baby Unicorn.

And Unicorns don’t have to follow the rules of logic. They’re so special they can’t die! And, like, they have magic. In their horns. Can you believe that?

Dan is in a hurry, but he says this as he goes: “[People these days are] too intertwined to the things that are superfluous to reality. But somehow society moves right on through. It evolves. That’s the long tail of society. It just evolves. Whether that’s good or bad…who knows?”

CHAPTER 6. GRIEVING Dr. Virginia Simpson: “Grieving takes courage.

Laughter and tears are very close. Only to the degree that you are willing to feel your pain will you be able to feel joy in your life. It has been said that grief is the price we pay for love. And every tear is a thank you.”

Dr. Virginia Simpson disappears momentarily and in her place it says “loading,” and a little wheel turns. Then she reappears.

Interview with my 4-year-old-son:

CHAPTER 8. A REASONABLE HYPOTHESIS. Phone interview with Eddie Vela, Interim Dean, College of Behavioral and Social Sciences, CSU: “I want to understand the universe the way it really is. Not the way I wish it would be. I think it’s time for human beings to grow up and leave childish things behind.

“While I understand the psychological motivations for the hope that there’s some kind of continuation of Self after death, um, I think—in spite of cultural traditions that suggest otherwise—that the idea that Self is a function of our central nervous system, and especially our brain, is a reasonable hypothesis and that, once the body dies, so does the Self. There is, therefore, no continuation of Self after the person has died.

“I think there’s every reason to believe that consciousness is a physical process. And we’re making great progress in understanding key parts of the brain involved. When the body dies, [consciousness] also go away. Yes, our body decomposes, and the energy goes other places.

But it’s not logical to say that the Self goes elsewhere, because the Self is a product of those brain processes.”

CHAPTER 9. THE GREAT STORM SUBSIDES. Dr. Virginia Simpson: “Know that you CAN go on and have a WONDERFUL life! First you have to cry and grieve. Until one day you wake up to the new life you’re in, and find yourself ready to fully live again. You CAN find happiness after this great storm!

Hey, you.

Wanna tell someone what’s what?

Wanna tell everyone what’s what?

We’re accepting submissions of 500 words for Unsolicited Advice.

editorial@synthesis.net

344 WEST BTH ST I CHICO , CA I 530-343-2790

Food &

Drink Closed.

Closed

We need to drink, too!

Mon-Fri Happy Hour 12-4PM $3 Sierra & Domestic

Monday

Pints 6PM - close $1 Off Pitchers

Come see our beautiful

Closed

Patio! Happy Hour4-6:

Menu cocktails$1 off. Sierra

Tuesday

$3 Sierra and Domestic Pints $ 3.50 Ka mis ALL DAY!

Nevada Draft $3

Come see our beautiful

Closed

Patio! Happy Hour4-6:

Wednesday

Nevada Draft $3

Live music 8-10

Pitchers

$2.50 Wells & Sierra

$1.00 off PBR & Olympia Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!

Nevada Drafts during Giants &A's Games!

Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!

Closed

Pitchers

Nevada Drafts during Giants &A's Games!

WING WEDNESDAY! $2 for 3 Wings

Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM

Chicken Waffle Wed.!

8 ball Tourney 6pm

Full Bar in Back Room

sign-up

8PM-Close $2.50 Fire Eater Shots $5.50 DBL Bacardi

Weds, Fri & Sat Nights!

PBR $2.25 Everyday!

Happy Hour2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!

Mon-Fri Happy Hour 12-4PM

$3 Sierra & Domestic Pints

Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!

Pitchers

$3.50 Soccer moms

$2.50 Wells & Sierra

$6 Dbl Roaring Vodka

Nevada Drafts during Giants &A's Games!

$1.00 off PBR and Olympia Pool Rates Cut in 1/ 2!

Bartender Specials

Mon-Fri

$314oz. Slushies $4 20oz. Slushies

Happy Hour 12-4PM

Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM

$3 Sierra & Domestic Pints

Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights!

Friday

PBR $2.25 Everyday!

Weekend Blast Off!!

8-close $5 Blasters

Tacotruck.biz and Beers on the Patio!

Chico Jazz Collective 8-midnight Happy Hour2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra & Dom

Summertime Special

6pm

We open at 12:00pm.

$2 PBRs $2 Tacos!

Happy Hour2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Cans Pool Rates Cut in 1/ 2!

Patio! Happy Hour 4-6:

Happy Hour from 4-6.

Two Dollar Tuesdays!

$2.50 Wells & Sierra

Wander Food Truck on the Patio

Join us for Beers on our Patio Bar!

Saturday

Summertime Special

Cocktails

Come see our beautiful

Open Mic Comedy Night Every Other Week!

Happy Hour2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom

Summertime Special

Menu cocktails$1 off. Sierra

Thursday

Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!

Bartender Specials $314oz. Slushies $4 20oz. Slushies

Open at llAM $4.50 Bloody Mary $5.50 Absolut Pep par Bloody Marys Noon- 6PM $8 / $9 SN Dom Pitchers $5.50 DBL Bacardi

Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM

Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights!

PBR $2.25 Everyday!

$6.99 Pulled pork sand w/

fries or salad 25 cent wings from halftime 'til they're gone!

MONSTER MONDAY SPECIALS 6PM-CLOSE BEER $3.50/4.50/5.50/6.50 FREE Pool after lOPM Chicken Strip Sand only $6.99 before 6 PM TWO BUCK TUESDAY 6-llpm $2 Rolling Rock, Olympia & Single Wells $2.50 PBR, Coors and Double w ells

Reuben Sand

w/ fries or

salad $6.99 5pm-Close 1/2 off kids

items Spm-Close Pitcher Specials $6.50/$9.50/ $13 FREE Pool after lOPM

Baby Back Ribs $11.99 Philly Cheesesteak $7.99 6pm-Close $4.50 Grad teas $3.50All beer pints FREE Pool after lOPM

Rock Out atThe DL!

10 oz. Tri-Tip Steak w/

Enjoy Live Music, Great Grub,

Fries or Salad & Garlic

and 10 9' foot tables Open@llam All ages untill lOpm

Rock Out atThe DL!

Enjoy Live Music, Great Grub, and 10 9' foottables Open@llam All ages untill lOpm

Bread $8.99 8pm-Close $4 Jager $5.50 DBL Vodka Red Bull $2.50 Kamikaze shots FREE Pool after lOPM

Baby Back Ribs w/Salad , Fries & garlic bread $11.99 8pm-Close $4 Single/ $6 Double

Jack or Captain $3 Sierra Nevada Pints FREE Pool after lOPM

Cocktails

Sunday

WE OPEN AT 12:00PM MIMOSAS WITH FRESH SQUEEZED OJ FOR $5 UNTIL5PM.

CLOSED

lOAM -2PM $5 Bottles of Champagne

with entree $4.50 Bloody Mary $5.50 Absolut Pep par Bloody Marys

Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!

Summertime Special $2.50 Wells & Sierra Nevada Drafts during Giants &A's Games!

Free Pool with Purchase!

1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Cans

$5.49 Grad/Garden/ Turkey Burger w/fries

or salad Bloodies $3 Well, $4 Ca II, $5 Top, $6 Goose Mimosas $2/flute, $5/pint $6 CHEAP Beer Pitchers FREE Pool after lOPM

SATURDAY 9/27 /2014

25rn ANNIVERSARY SEND US PHOTOS/VIDEOS OF YOUR FAVORITE MEMORABLE MOMENTS AT DUFFY'S! DUFFYSMEMORIES@GMAIL.COM 12

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BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger with fries or salad for $5.49. llam-lOpm.

Go Downlo

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Go Downlo

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BEAR WEAR! 1/2 off w hile wea ring Bear Wea r.

MUG CLUB 4-lOPM

$2.50 Select Sierra Nevada or Dom Drafts $2 Ka mis-any fla vo r All Day

$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour4-8pm 10-Close: $2 Bartender Shot Specials $3 SkyyVodka Cocktails $5 Dbl Bacardi or SoCo Cocktails

TRIKE RACES! Post time @ lOpm. Win T-shirts and Bear Bucks.

MUG CLUB 4-lOPM

All 16 oz Teas or AMF $3 All Day

$3.SO SkyyyVodka Cocktails $3.SO Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour4-8pm

2 FOR 1 BURGERS ALL DAY!!

MINORS WELCOME!

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Happy Hour4- 7pm

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Buck Night 8-Close $1 we ll cocktails, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Rolling Rock, dom draft $3 Black Butte $4 Vodka Red bull

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$1.50 sliders and other cheap eats!

GIANTS VS METS 1/2 OFF EVERYTHING!!!

FRI, AUGUST 1ST 4:10PM SAT, AUGUST 2ND 4:10PM MONDAY - FRIDAY

Happy Hour 4 -Spm Ladies Night!

BB pm-CLOSE $5 Pabst pitchers $2 shot board $4 Moscow Mules $3 Jamo and Ginger

Early Bird Special 9-lOPM l /2off wells

BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger with fries or salad for $5.49. llam-lOpm.

1/2 OFF COVER before lOPM

Happy Hour 11-GPM $3 select bottles & drafts $2.SO 16oz Wells All Day

9pm-Close $212ozTeas $3 20ozTeas $2 Well, Dom Bottles & bartender Specials $S Voci ka Red Bu II

Happy Hour4- 7pm

Spm-Close $4151 Party punch 22oz.

$1.SO sliders and other cheap eats!!

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HAPPY HOUR 12-4PM $3 SIERRA & DOMESTIC PINTS

8-9pm $1 Pale Ale and Dom. Draft Up $0.25 per hour until

134 BROADWAY ST, CHICO, CA I 530.893.5253

close Buck Hour 10:30 - 11:30 Happy Hour 4 -Spm

Early Bird Special 9-lOPM l /2off wells

FIREBALL FRIDAYS!!!

SPM -Close $3 Fireball Shots $4 Big Teas $3 Coronas

LATE NIGHT EATS! kitchen open until 1 AM

Select Pints $3

$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour4-8pm

Happy Hour-4-7pm $S Fridays 4-Spm Most food items and pitchers of beer are $5

Powe r Hour B - 9pm 1/ 2 Off Liquor & Drafts (excludes pitchers) 9PM -Close $3 Pale Ale Drafts $9.7S Pitchers

Open at lOPM

Hot "Dawgs" ALL DAY!

Mon. - Sat. 3PM - 6PM $1 Dom. draft, $2 SN Draft, $2 We lls Powe r Hour 8 - 9PM $3 Pale Ale Drafts $9.75 Pitchers

BOTTLE SERVICE Now Available!

LIVE MUSIC 1/2 OFF COVER before lOPM

Opening at Spm for BO's NIGHT!!

B pm-CLOSE $4 Sauza Margaritas $3 Ka mis $3 Shocktop & VIP pint

Early Bird Special 9-lOPM l /2off wells

LATE NIGHT EATS! kitchen open until 1 AM

LIVE MUSIC 1/2 OFF COVER before lOPM

KARAOKE "INDUSTRY NIGHT"

Call To Rent For Private Party

B PM-CLOSE

HALF OFF ALMOST EVERYTH ING!(Except Red Bull and Premium Liquors) Specials All Day!

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BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger with fries or salad for $5.49. llam-lOpm.

$4 Sex On The Beach $4 Sierra Neva da Knightro ON TAP $1 Jello Shots 7-lOPM $3 Fireball

$4World Famous Bloody Joe $S Premium bloodys your choice of vodka

$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour4-8pm

Champagne Brunch llam -2pm $3 Champagne w ith entree

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BOTTLE SERVICE Now Available!

Call for reservation 898-9898 Large selection of wines, sangrias and Martinis.

Call for reservation 898-9898 Open at lOPM Large selection of wines, sangrias and Martinis.

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Champag\l Brunch llam-2pm Every Sunday $3 Champagne with purchase of an entree

117 E 2nd St, Chico (530) 895-8817

177 E 2ND ST• DOWNTOWN CHICO FACEBOOK.COM /SYNTHESISCHICO

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Referral Special

IMF Personal Training at its best!

Thursday, July 31st

UNCONDITIONAL ARMS, KING WOMAN ORANGE STREET STUDIO

Unconditional Arms (pictured) is focused on atmospheric layers and gentle, tinkling guitar lines. The effect is sort of like coming home, in that “Did I just die?

Oh, I’m just really high and listening to Explosions In The Sky” kind of way. It’s all instrumental, but still manages to convey a great depth of feeling. Fellow Bay Area group King Woman is a female fronted, very moody band that’s all about making haunting, theatrical soundscapes. Think of the movie theatre scene in Donnie Darko. Also featuring West By Swan and Bunnymilk. 601 Orange St., $5, 7pm.

Friday, August 1st

DECADES CHICO CITY PLAZA

Cool, this might be the first time I’ve put a Friday Night Concert in the Best Bets section! It’s not every day you get to see Decades play without having to drive out to the casino. Everyone knows what they’re about, but it’s my job to act like you don’t: Decades is a cover band. Decades is THE cover band, probably making more money than every other NorCal cover band combined. It’s because they’re awesome. Singer Samantha Francis is my favorite part. Sorry Billy.

Maybe if you were a better drummer. Free, 7-8:30pm.

*Refer a friend to a class and enter a drawing to win: In Mo T-Shirt - 5 winners Johnnie’s $25 Gift Certificate - 4 winners Renew Float Spa $50 Gift Certificate - 3 winners 1 month Personal Training class ($80) - 2 winners 2 months Pesonal Training class ($160) - 1 winner 3 months Personal Training class ($240) - 1 winner 4 months Personal Training class ($360) - 1 winner

*Referral must commit to 3 months and sign-up through Ryan Flenner at 343-5678 ext. 123

Drawing will be held on September 2, 2014

Friday, August 1st

SPINDRIFT (LOS ANGELES) MALTESE

Psychedelic Spaghetti-Western rock band from Los Angeles. Are you sold yet? They’ve been know to tell long, epic story-songs; about guns and women; life and death; cowboy stuff. Spindrift also has a million amazing spaghetti-western music video/short films; there’s tumbleweeds, the desert, the band shooting guns at things; you know, cowboy stuff. Also featuring The Rugs and Trox And The Terribles. $5, 9pm.

14

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM JULY 28 2014

Saturday, August 2nd

THE MONDEGREENS 1078 GALLERY

These guys are totally killing it. They’ve already toured up and down the entire west coast, they’ve made a music video for their single “Big City Blues,” and have begun recording their full-length LP. What I like most about them is the ever-present, ever-awesome two-part backing harmonies by Russel Rabut and David Friedlander. Also featuring Mandalyn May and Seamus Turner. $5, 7:30pm.

New & Exciting: Ongoing Events: 30 Wednesday

DownLo: Todd N Todd, Campfire Cassettes, Socorro, This Glass House.

8pm LaSalles: Red White And Booze: Myth, VITIATE, Bob Goblin, Sight Over Creation. $5, 8pm Sierra Nevada Big Room: Sister Sparrow & The Dirty Birds. $17, 7:30pm

31 Thursday

Arabian Nights: Electronic Music on Last Thursdays. Makes You Feel, Clayton The Chemist, Logan 5. $2 before 10, $4 after, 18+, 8pm Chico Theatre Company: Singin In The Rain. $12 children, $20 adults, 7:30pm LaSalles: Happy Hour with OTR “Off The Record.” 4-8pm Orange St. Studio: West By Swan, Unconditional Arms, King Woman, Bunnymilk. 601 Orange St. $5, 7pm

1 Friday

1078 Gallery: Icarus The Owl (OR), Sorin, Idlehands (Socal), Monk Warrior. $10, 7:30pm Chico Theatre Company: Singin In The Rain. $12 children, $20 adults, 7:30pm City Plaza: Decades. 7-8:30pm Duffy’s: Duffy’s Sirens-Aubrey, Katrina, and Lisa. $1, 5pm DownLo: Electrified Redemption Project. 7pm LaSalles: Happy Hour with Matt McBride. 4-8pm Mora Presents… 10pm Lost On Main: Wake Of The Dead celebrates Jerry’s Birthday.

Maltese: Spindrift (LA), The Rugs, Trox And The Terribles. $5, 9pm

2 Saturday

1078 Gallery: The Mondegreens, Mandalyn May, Seamus Turner. $5, 7:30pm Chico Theatre Company: Singin In The Rain. $12 children, $20 adults, 7:30pm LaSalles: Happy Hour with Big Red Holler & Madhouse BBQ. 4-8pm Lost On Main: Bob’s Back! Stand-up Comedy with Bob Backstrom. Music

by Jeb Draper, John Paul Gutierrez, Broken Rodeo, DJ OSnap. $5, 9pm

3 Sunday

Chico Theatre Company: Singin In The Rain. $12 children, $20 adults, 2pm

28 Monday

The Bear: Bear-E-oke! 9pm Chico Art Center: “Discover Series II.” 10am-4pm Chico Womens Club: Prenatal Yoga.

5:30-6:30pm DownLo: Pool League. 3 player teams, signup with bartender. 7pm.

All ages until 10pm Maltese: Open Mic Comedy or Music, alternates every week. Signups at 8pm, starts at 9pm. Mug Night 7-11:30pm The Tackle Box: Latin Dance Classes.

Free, 7-9pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Yoga Center Of Chico: Sound Healing w. Emiliano. Breathwork, Meditation, Healing.

29 Tuesday

100th Monkey: Fusion Belly Dance mixed-level class, with BellySutra. $8/class or $32/month. 6pm Open Mic plus showcase by local musicians. 7pm Chico Art Center: “Discover Series II.” 10am-4pm Chico Women’s Club: Yoga. 9-10am.

Afro Carribean Dance. $10/class or $35/mo. 5:50-7pm. Followed by Capoeira, $3-$10. 7:30-8:30pm Crazy Horse Saloon: All Request Karaoke. 21+ DownLo: Game night. All ages until 10pm Holiday Inn Bar: Salsa Lessons, 7-10pm LaSalles: ’90s night. 21+ Maltese: Karaoke. 9pm-Close The Tackle Box: Karaoke, 9pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Woodstocks: Trivia Challenge. Call at 4pm to reserve a table. Starts 6:30pm

30 Wednesday

Avenue 9 Gallery: “Chico Icons 2014: Historic Heart & Arteries” Group Exhibition. 12-5pm The Bear: Trike Races. Post time 10pm Chico Art Center: “Discover Series II.” 10am-4pm Chico Women’s Club: Afro Brazilian Dance. 5:30-7pm DownLo: Wednesday night jazz.

8 Ball Tournament, signups 6pm, starts 7pm Duffys: Dance Night! DJ Spenny and Jeff Howse. $1, 9pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Jesus Center: Derelict Voice Writing Group, everyone welcome.

9-10:30am The Maltese: Friends With Vinyl!

Bring your vinyl and share up to 3 songs/12 minutes on the turntable.

9pm-1am The Tackle Box: Line Dance classes.

Free, 5:30-7:30pm. Swing Dance classes. Free, 7:30-9:30pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Woodstocks: Trivia Night plus Happy Hour. call at 4pm to reserve a table. Starts at 8pm

31 Thursday

100th Monkey: Chico Story Slam.

Tell a 5-min unscripted personal story for prizes. 7-9pm Avenue 9 Gallery: “Chico Icons 2014: Historic Heart & Arteries” Group Exhibition. 12-5pm The Beach: DJ Mack Morris.

10:30pm The Bear: DJ Dancing. Free, 9pm Chico Art Center: “Discover Series II.” 10am-4pm DownLo: Chico Jazz Collective.

8-11pm. All ages until 10pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Has Beans Downtown: Open Mic

EAT. DRINK. PLAY. Find Out How you Can Play Pool for Only $1/Day!

Night. 7-10pm. Signups start at 6pm Holiday Inn Bar: Karaoke. 8pm-midnight LaSalles: Free live music on the patio. 6-9pm Maltese: Karaoke. 9pm-close Panamas: Buck night and DJ Eclectic & guests on the patio. 9pm Quackers: Karaoke night with Andy.

9pm-1am University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Woodstocks: Open Mic Night Yoga Center Of Chico: Ecstatic Dance with Clay Olson. 7:30-9:30pm

1 Friday

100th Monkey: Acoustic Music Singer Songwriter Showcase.

7:30pm Avenue 9 Gallery: “Chico Icons 2014: Historic Heart & Arteries” Group Exhibition. 12-5pm The Beach: DJ2k & Mack Morris.

9pm The Bear: DJ Dancing. Free, 9pm Cafe Coda: Friday Morning Jazz with Bogg. 11am Chico Art Center: “Discover Series II.” 10am-4pm Crazy Horse Saloon: Fusion Fridays.

Country dance lessons 9-10:30pm DownLo: ½ off pool. All ages until 10pm. Live Music, 8pm Duffys: Pub Scouts - Happy Hour.

4-7pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Holiday Inn Bar: DJ Dance Party.

8pm-midnight LaSalles: Open Mic night on the patio. 6-9pm Maltese: Happy hour with live jazz

by Bogg. 5-7pm. LGBTQ+ Dance Party. 9pm Panamas: Jigga Julee, DJ Mah on the patio. 9pm Peeking: BassMint. Weekly electronic dance party. $3. 9:30pm

Quackers: Live DJ. 9pm Sultan’s Bistro: Bellydance Performance. 6:30-7:30pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm

2 Saturday

Avenue 9 Gallery: “Chico Icons 2014: Historic Heart & Arteries” Group Exhibition. 12-5pm The Beach: DJ Mah. 9pm The Bear: DJ Dancing. No Cover.

9pm Chico Art Center: “Discover Series II.” 10am-4pm Crazy Horse Saloon: Ladies Night Dancing. 10pm-1:30am DownLo: 9 Ball tournament.

Signups at noon, starts at 1pm. All ages until 10pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Holiday Inn Bar: DJ Dancing. 70s and 80s music. The Molly Gunn’s Revival! 8pm-midnight LaSalles: 80’s Night. 8pm-close Maltese: Burlesque with The MalTEAZers! 9pm Panamas: DJ Eclectic on the patio.

9pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Yoga Center Of Chico: Mind Power Workshop w. Gayle Kimball, Ph.D. 1-4pm

3 Sunday

Chico Art Center: “Discover Series II.” 10am-4pm Dorothy Johnson Center: Soul Shake Dance Church. Free-style dance wave, $8-$15 sliding scale.

10am-12:30pm DownLo: Free Pool, 1 hour with every $8 purchase. All ages until 10pm LaSalles: Karaoke. 9pm Maltese: Live Jazz 4-7pm. Trivia 8pm Tackle Box: Karaoke, 8pm

LESSONS, LEAGUES AND TOURNAMENTS! GREAT FOOD! LIVE MUSIC! 319 Main Street (530) 892-2473 FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 15

by logan kruidenier logankruidenier.tumblr.com

On The Town 16

PHOTOS BY VINCE LATHAM FACEBOOK.COM/VANGUARD.PHOTOGRAPHY

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM JULY 21 2014

The World’s First Honest Cover Letter Dear Hiring Manager, First, accept my surprised gratitude for revealing the name of your company. It’s astonishing how many companies want your life history and contact info, but are just too gosh-darn shy to identify themselves.

That being said, let’s review some examples of your free-flowing hypocrisy.

My job-search parameters are set for entrylevel openings requiring a Bachelor’s.

Sneaking in demands that “serious” applicants hold a Master’s and have 6+ years’ experience is bullshit. Learn the dissimilarity between “entry level/Bachelor’s” and “experienced/Master’s.” Also, the irony in blurbs such as “Candidate’s must ahve exceptional Attention to detail,” especially when it’s copy-pasted twice, is just painful.

You expect perfect reading comprehension and accuracy while demonstrating a glaring lack thereof? Yeah, that’s professional…

Creating an account just to apply for the position was fun. My new password and profile, unique to your company’s website, will be a lovely addition to the several dozen others I have. (Reminds me of my collection of bridesmaid’s dresses.) And hey—you use Taleo! Way to save a corporate buck while generating napalm-spitting rage in applicants, you cheap sack of pigshit. I really enjoyed spending an hour re-entering the data already on my résumé, only to have everything disappear in a random software hiccup.

Google “Taleo sucks” to discover what people think of companies that use it.

Taking the time to send a “Yes” or “No” followup is guaranteed to not kill you. Jobseekers with dwindling resources really do not give a wet fart if you’re “busy” or if “hundreds of people have applied.” Simply state whether or not I’m still in the running, then move on.

I’m looking for a workplace where I fit in, can perform well, and am decently compensated for doing so. Among the positives I bring to the table are a solid work ethic, an aversion to disruptive office politics, and an enthusiastic attitude toward learning. Beyond a certain point, it’s no longer on me if you can’t or won’t see such qualities. I can only claim to be a unicorn-riding wet dream of a candidate so often before I puke on my keyboard, and

you’re a fool if you think only experts at selfpromotion are worth consideration.

I propose we switch places. I’ll let faulty keyword-finding software do 90% of my job for me while composing (but not proofreading) semi-honest job descriptions for openings that may or may not actually exist. You, on the other hand, can spend your days chucking customized personal data into the void, while becoming increasingly despondent over ever working again. It sounds difficult, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice.

Sorry, were you expecting a cover letter burbling about how orgasmically thrilling it would be to work for your exalted place of business? Yeah, right. Applying = humping your leg. Interview process = humping your leg. Discussing an offer = humping your leg.

Notice the pattern there? Whores get paid, so if you want your balls gargled, I’m gonna need to see some ROI. Sincerely, Frustrated Enough to Bite Walls, Esq.

Consider the Platypus

by Mona Treme

PHOTOS BY VINCE LATHAM FACEBOOK.COM/VANGUARD.PHOTOGRAPHY

On The Town

FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 17

BEER CAMP 2014 Photo credit: Alan Sheckter

18

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM JULY 28 2014

(Chico Party Woooooo!)

FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 19

On The Town 20

PHOTOS BY JESSICA SID

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM JULY 28 2014

August 1st: Icarus The Owl Math-Rock-Pop Bliss From Portland

BY ALEX LIGHT

Icarus’ single-sentence bio undersells them fantastically: “A 4-piece Alt-Rock band known for their frequent time signature changes and tap-guitar lines in otherwise sing-along pop songs.” Allow me to embellish this sentence: I would replace “frequent time signature changes and tap-guitar lines” with “flawless tech-metal shredding to rival some of the best progressive metal bands of today.” “Sing-along pop songs” likewise should read “deliciously authentic and well-written songs that explore themes of love, romance and self-discovery through awesomely memorable melodies.” Two songs in particular off their newest release that are worth hearing: “Lily Trotter” and “Input.Time.Destruct.”

A note for integrity: I’m playing this show. I didn’t interview Icarus’ lead singer Joey Rubenstein JUST because they’re totally awesome; there were selfish reasons for it as well. Can you blame me? Yeah, I suppose you can. You’ll get over it.

How’d the four of you meet?

Rather unconventionally. It wasn’t the whole “we played music together in high school and still do” kind of thing. It was more like, I was trying to find band members who were really talented and could tour all the time in any way possible. I took to YouTube and Craigslist to meet the talented guys now in the band.

I met Rob, our drummer, by searching YouTube for Sky Eats Airplane drum covers. I figured, they play pretty techy stuff, and we play pretty techy stuff; maybe this dude will want to be in the band.

Your bio mentions getting your first album, unsupported by a label, in stores across the nation, including Hot Topic.

How’d you do it?

We toured a lot on The Spotless Mind. We followed Warped Tour for multiple years, selling that album to the people in line. With the tour history and some good sales from Warped Tour in our repertoire, we were able to contact Hot Topic and they agreed to give us distribution. We emailed the CEO of Hot Topic, and they forwarded it down the ladder.

You’ve been on at least eleven national tours, averaging seven weeks in length. How have the four of you grown through those experiences, specifically in your relationship with each other?

It all becomes very routine. We’re seeing different places every day and meeting new people all the time, which is exciting, but a lot of the time it’s just routine. We’ve learned to pick our battles with each other.

While we can all be stubborn, and as fun as it is to fight about which bread to buy for our PB & Js, we have to live with each other for six to eight weeks at a time, four times a year. We

know each other’s quirks, and which buttons not to press. It’s like being in a four-way marriage in a confined stinky hunk of metal, all the time.

Describe your recording process for this third LP, and how it differed from the first two releases.

We’d always gone with Stephan Hawkes in the past, and he’s become a great friend and does amazing work. So when we record with him, I’m in my comfort zone. This time around, we went with Kris Crummett (from the same studio) to switch things up, and try to get out of that comfort zone.

Who was the first group that brought awesome fingertapping onto your radar?

There isn’t one single band that made me try it. Minus The Bear was probably the first band that put it on my radar in the modern world. Van Halen did it, but it wasn’t the percussive finger-tapping that I enjoy listening to and playing now...

Thrice influenced me a great deal for guitar playing in general.

Your video for “The Extortionist” is pretty brutal. have you had some negative experiences with record labels in the past?

We’re usually a very calculated band when it comes to recording. We always have the music written before going into the studio. This time, we wrote most of it on the road and had everything written into sheet music. Rob sight-read all of his drum parts. We experimented more with guitar pedals as well... Overall, it was a great and stressful experience.

We may have been speaking out about one thing, but I think it can be a relatable song to anyone in a situation where they feel like someone else has control over something they really care about. Not being able to pursue what you love, because someone else isn’t letting you, is absolutely soul-crushing to anyone with passion.

Is there lyrical material in your third LP that you haven’t explored in the first two albums?

You guys can get pretty heavy. Have any favorite metal or hardcore bands? (Please say BTBAM, please say BTBAM [heavy breathing])

There’s a few themes I delved into with this new album that I haven’t covered before. One of them that makes a few appearances is the idea of living a double life, and compartmentalizing yourself. While terrifying, I love the concept of someone being a complete monster, but hiding in plain sight.

On a smaller level, some people are completely different online than they are in real life. I was probably watching too much Breaking Bad, Mad Men, and Dexter. I find solace in keeping secrets; it’s something that is mine and mine alone.

I really like Between The Buried And Me, Rob loves Animals As Leaders, Zach loves Horse The Band, and AJ loves Deftones...

Just kidding! We exclusively listen to deep cuts from Crazy Town’s first album—except for Rob, who only listens to Grandmaster Flash.

See Portland’s own Icarus The Owl play live in support of their 2014 self-titled LP, this Friday, August 1st, at 1078 Gallery. Also featuring Sorin, Idlehands (from San Diego), and Monk Warrior. $10, 7:30pm. Beer for sale on site.

FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 21

JULY 28, 2014

BY KOZ MCKEV

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Things have been looking up for you recently. You know what feels right for you.

You’ve established yourself as a creative force. You’re making an effort to be more loving. Being heart-centered feels good. Mars in your eighth house may make you impatient, horny, or wanting to control things that you can’t control. The weekend may be out of your control as well. Take things step by step. You have much love and happiness surrounding you.

Thursday and Friday look good for romance or for striking a bargain.

Venus in your third house makes it easier to get caught up in your creative passions.

You love to work with your hands, be it writing, massage or playing piano. There’s a focus on siblings and parents this week. Tuesday and Wednesday are good for working on creative expression and focusing on issues regarding children and recreation. It’s also a good time for doing research on your family history. The weekend looks good for romance, love affairs, engagements, and taking care of contracts. Be careful not to push your partner too far.

We are all interdependent people, yet there are times when we would rather shut the rest of the world out. Mercury in the third house is just too curious about the rest of the world to let that all happen. Siblings and old friends are likely to be visited. Matters of the heart get stirred up on Thursday and Friday. You’re more likely to engage in creative expression. The weekend is good for organizing, taking care of personal health issues, and working with others on a group project. Try to listen with a careful ear.

The big picture when it comes to security and finances comes to you. Values and family continue to be important themes. Food, music, and other people’s friends are part of this world. Take care of your ears, teeth, nose, and throat. Emotions and memories are strong on Thursday and Friday. The weekend finds you with a wellspring of creative energy to pursue artistic activities. Keep in mind how certain types of fun tax your resources both physical and financial. Plan for the future. Make a commitment to yourself to avoid something that you know is bad for you.

You rise up like the flavor of the year, not just the month.

This is especially due to Jupiter’s conjunction with the sun this week. Friendliness, generosity, and love are the major themes. This is a time of confidence building. I must caution that there is a tendency for things to be ego driven. The week begins strong with the raging Leo new moon continuing into Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday are about business, food, and voice. Over the weekend it’s best to take care of domestic affairs, the needs of parents, and hanging out with the people you feel comfortable with.

“I feel like locking myself up in an ashram or a monastery,” said a Virgo rising friend of mine. This is a blessed time to be working on your spiritual life. Mercury moves into your twelfth house on Thursday.

Look for messages in dreams.

Spend more time in prayer and meditation. Pay off old debts. Seek to make good karma whenever the opportunity appears. Help those who are isolated. The moon will be in Virgo the night of the 28th through the 30th. These are days to be conscious of your plan of action.

Libra

Scorpio

Saggitarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

You are likely to be working new angles for communication and allowing yourself to be closer to neighbors and friends. Think of this as a time for community building rather than just the usual neighborhood gossip. Your mind is sharp, and you have many friends who will help you. The moon will be in Libra along with the north node of the moon Thursday and Friday and most of Saturday. Desire seems endless while romance presents its own set of obstacles. The weekend looks good for preparing food, singing, and working on finances.

You are being depended upon to make things function.

Your talents and skills are needed. Break out the many facets of yourself that can be put to use. Seek function over fashion, yet add a little flair to what you’re doing to make it fun. Your social life is active early in the week. It’s best to lay low and deal with obligations toward the end of the week. Saturday night and Sunday feature a Scorpio moon. Accept whatever comes your way. Be patient even though you have the passion to be forceful. Be a good performer and don’t let the audience spook you.

Life is joy, expansion, and fun to our Sagittarius friends.

This time of year is for exploration, exotic experiences, foreign cultures, languages, and higher education. Travel suits you well. Education gives life more meaning.

What you are learning will eventually translate into what you are doing. Be open to different philosophies and religions. Learn that risk-taking is part of the recipe for success. The weekend is likely to be filled with friends, socializing, planning and partying. On Sunday it’s best to lay low and cool your jets.

Other people have their power and sometimes you are subject to it. Allowing other people to help you will be especially helpful during this period. Sex, birth, death, and other people’s property are dominant themes. Occult and mystery studies become more attractive. Tuesday and Wednesday are good days for risk-taking. The end of the week has you realizing your leadership ability. Discipline yourself. Be thankful for the people who have shown you commitment. Romance and intimacy require humility and approachability.

Koz McKev is on YouTube, on cable 11 BCTV and is heard on 90.1FM KZFR Chico. Also available by appointment for personal horoscopes call (530)891-5147 or e-mail kozmickev@sunset.net

22

SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM JULY 28 2014

You are the referee amidst an astrological shit storm. Negotiation will soon be your middle name, at least for the next few weeks. You maintain the ability to look good at the workplace. The fools of summer can be annoying to you. Don’t let these “fools” know that you are on to them.

Thursday through Saturday look good for initiating a vacation or beginning a new educational pursuit. Romance can build momentum. Your leadership ability is strong, just don’t end up ruling with an iron fist due to being taken in by the moment.

Hard work may eventually pay off but it still is hard work. You learn how to relate to others on their own level this week.

You’ll see the sick, the lovesick, as well as the toxic lust waste camp. Get organized.

Be prepared to help others.

Take care of pets and be ready to give to a charitable organization. Relationship issues are best dealt with towards the early part of the week. Sunday looks good for travel or for visiting an untouched part of the natural world. Let the amateurs go wild while you do the simple things that work.

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