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VOLUME 21 ISSUE 24 Febuary 9, 2015 For 20 years The Synthesis’ goal has remained to provide a forum for entertainment, music, humor, community awareness, opinions, and change.
THIS W E E K
PUBLISHER/ EDITOR IN CHIEF Amy Sandoval amy@synthesis.net
C OLUMNS
PAGE 6
LEAD DESIGNER
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
by Amy Sandoval
Tanner Ulsh graphics@synthesis.net
PAGE 4
ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
NO MIDDLE GROUND
Arielle Mullen arielle@synthesis.net SynthesisWeekly.com/submit-yourevent/
by Sylvia Bowersox
PAGE 5
ASSOCIATE EDITOR Emiliano Garcia-Sarnoff emilianogs@gmail.com
PRODUCTIVITY WASTED
by Eli Schwartz
DESIGNERS
pwasted@synthesis.net
Liz Watters, Mike Valdez graphics@synthesis.net
PAGE 10
DELIVERIES
LETTERS TO DESMOND
Jennifer Foti
by Zooey Mae
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
zooeymae@synthesis.net
Zooey Mae, Bob Howard, Howl, Koz McKev, Tommy Diestel, Eli Schwartz, Emiliano Garcia-Sarnoff, Jon Williams, Sean Galloway, Alex O’Brien
PAGE 16 IMMACULATE INFECTION
by Bob Howard
PHOTOGRAPHY Jessica Sid Vincent Latham
NERD
Dain Sandoval dain@synthesis.net
ACCOUNTING
Madbob@madbob.com
Tasting in the Dark
PAGE 17
PAGE 18
THE FRUGAL TERRAN
by TripHazard
Ben Kirby
PAGE 19
DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS Karen Potter
OWNER
Bill Fishkin bill@synthesis.net The Synthesis is both owned and published by Apartment 8 Productions. All things published in these pages are the property of Apartment 8 Productions and may not be reproduced, copied or used in any other way, shape or form without the written consent of Apartment 8 Productions. One copy (maybe two) of the Synthesis is available free to residents in Butte, Tehama and Shasta counties. Anyone caught removing papers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. All opinions expressed throughout the Synthesis are those of the author and are not necessarily the same opinions as Apartment 8 Productions and the Synthesis. The Synthesis welcomes, wants, and will even desperately beg for letters because we care what you think. We can be reached via snail mail at the Synthesis, 210 W. 6th St., Chico, California, 95928. Email letters@ synthesis.net. Please sign all of your letters with your real name, address and preferably a phone number. We may also edit your submission for content and space.
SUPERTIME!
by Logan Kruidenier logankruidenier.tumblr.com
PAGE 20 KOZMIK DEBRIS
by Koz McKev
kozmckev@sunset.net
PAGE 21 FROM THE EDGE
by Anthony Peyton Porter PAGE 22
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LE T T E R F R O M T H E E DI TO R
PET OF THE WEEK
Raide r Raider is a playful and sweet, loving dog! He is ready to go home to a family that has plenty of time and affection, a family that is ready to play tug-o-war or fetch, and then share some ear scratches. Raider is a big guy so he would do better with older children and is more selective about his animal friends, so he would prefer to be your one and only!
2580 Fair Street Chico, CA 95928 (530) 343-7917 • buttehumane.org
NOW HEA R THI S
Open Mike Eagle
TANN ER MIK E
Kid Ink - “Hotel”
DA N N Y
Nujabes - “Summer Gypsy”
H A LEY
Ray LaMontegne - “Shelter”
BE C CA
Ginuwine - “Pony”
DI N A H
Ruper Holmes - “Escape”
AL M ICH ELLE A LI E 4
Open Mike Eagle- “Ziggy Starfish (Anxiety Raps)”
Hirie - “Wiseman” Childish Gambino - “Sober” Milky Chance - “Down By the River”
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
FEB 9 2015
Romance Valentine’s Day is stupid. I’ve always hated it, with the bullshit drugstore aisle gifts and pre-fab sentiments. I hate comparing the size of your love (or absence of it) through bouquets of flowers sent to the office; hate that going out to dinner means a crowded restaurant with a high-price set menu, that if you don’t go out to dinner it means one of you has to spend hours preparing something impressively ostentatious or risk being less romantic than your peers. I hate the competition, the expectations, and the combination of red and pink. What I love is love. I love trust and tenderness and the little things that make a life together so beautiful. And I love real romance—something that can only be born of impulse, the breathtaking thrill of being taken up with a rush of emotion; riding the wave of it from swell to break. You can’t plan that feeling or put it in a heart shaped box. I remember one night, a few years ago... There was this guy I liked. We were a month or so deep into conversation—a near constant conversation on every platform we could use to connect, from the
moment we woke up till the last words before we slept—which we had both taken great pains to seem casual about. That night we let slip that there were feelings, that maybe something more than friendship was brewing between us. We sat quietly, absorbed the information, agreed to continue getting to know one another until the timing was just right... It was late, time to drive me home. One of those beautiful Chico summer nights where the air is warm and the moonlight is clear and everything is cast in silver. I paused at the door; catching my reflection in the truck window, I tucked a stray lock of hair back in place, and glanced at him. He looked at me, reached out and gently touched my hair where I had fixed it, then, impulsively, he twisted his fingers into it and pulled my lips to his. His mouth was soft and sweet; fireworks, melting, shivers... I’m not exaggerating at all when I say I floated into a whole new world on the wave of that passion. That kiss could only be rivaled by
the kiss we shared on our wedding day, when he looked into my eyes and told me, unscripted, what was in his heart right at that moment. A team of professional writers with the combined skill of Shakespeare, Byron, and E.L. James could never in a lifetime have made me so weak in the knees. Certainly no Hallmark card. Those grand experiences could only penetrate so deeply when they’re underpinned by constant proof of their meaning. Dain is unreasonably generous to me, making sure I’m fed when I can’t stop working, looking at me like I’m beautiful when I wake up with messy hair and smeared makeup, always listening and communicating without judgement, making me laugh, offering everything in his power to bring me happiness. When he looks into my eyes and tells me he loves me, I know it’s the guiding truth at the core of his being; he means it, and I mean it too. Love is the hottest thing ever.
by AMY SANDOVAL amy@synthesis.net
NO MIDDLE GROUN D
ON T H E TOWN — V INC E L AT H A M FACEBOOK.COM /VAN G UARDPHOTOG RAPHY
There Is No There Here I saw American Sniper last week. I cried through the entire thing. I had my veteran husband Jon and my service dog Timothy with me. I remember hearing about the battles in Fallujah and Sadr City. I was in the Green Zone at the time. We heard about them as one hears about an earthquake on the other side of the world. We had our own booms to deal with and our own deaths to handle. But, it’s war, right? And war is terrible. It’s the worst thing in the world. It’s the last resort. It’s the place we go to when nothing else has worked or will work. We go to war to protect what is dearest to us—our families, our country, our God. So why is it that the one thing in American Sniper that I could truly relate to was when Chris Kyle, back from Iraq, lamented that he had come from a place where a war was raging and people were dying, but that war didn’t exist here, in the country that he was protecting. I understand. I have pictures of my time in Iraq. I met my husband in Iraq. I know that I was there. I know that he was there. But, sometimes it feels like a dream. Sometimes, it feels like one of those nightmares that you can’t wake up from and when you do, you can’t remember. I talk to other people who were there. We trade stories, but there is no there here.
I went to Iraq because I wanted to do my part to help make the world a safer place for my son. I went to Iraq because I heard about the planes going into the World Trade Center while I was playing with him on the bed. He was eighteen months old and so small. I had to protect him. I went to Iraq because we lived under the LAX flight path and for three days after 9/11 the air was so silent. I went to Iraq because my son’s best buddy was from a Muslim family and I wanted him to continue to have Muslim friends. I went to Iraq because I didn’t want my son to be afraid. But it wasn’t that easy. Going into the world in order to help protect my son, meant that I first had to leave him. I had to leave him and leave everything familiar, and safe, and convenient. And I had to go to a place that might as well have been on the moon. During my first tour, I did television stories for the American Forces Network (AFN). I highlighted the work of our soldiers. I did stories involving Iraqis and Americans working together to make the world a better place. Everyone deployed to Iraq worked long hours and sacrificed a lot to be there. Everyone had high hopes that the people we were protecting understood what we were doing and supported us. And then we went home.
by SYLVIA BOWERSOX FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO
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Let’s play Truth without the Dare, Never Have I Ever but without the Never. We asked around Chico for your craziest, funniest, most awkward sex stories, and in proper drunken slumber party fashion, you told us things you probably never should’ve.
GIRL TALK THERE WAS A GUY I HAD BEEN FLIRTING WITH FOREVER, his name was Paul and he was super hot and silly. One day we were splashing around in the creek down by the ampitheatre. He picked up a stick and pretended it was a gun and was like, “get down, there’s Viet Cong everywhere.” So I grabbed one too and we started wading downstream in this weird Vietnam War roleplay game. We ended up going all the way down through campus and it started pouring rain, so we took refuge under this bridge and had crazy sex like only two lonely soldiers in the middle of an illegal war could have with people walking overhead on their way to class. Then he told me he had a girlfriend. ONE TIME I DATED THIS GUY WHO WAS THE SINGER IN A LOCAL REGGAE BAND. We were making out and he was like
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“hold on, let me put on some music.” He pops in a tape and the music (reggae, obviously) starts, and he’s getting hard and all into it, and then I realize it’s a tape of himself singing and playing guitar. He’s getting a boner from hearing himself sing. I couldn’t handle it, I started laughing so hard, like “do you want to be alone with you?” Why not put a mirror over my shoulder and you can make eyes at yourself while we do it. ONE TIME A GUY LITERALLY SAID “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” to me like that’s an actual thing people say. THE FIRST TIME I EVER HAD AN ORGASM it was in a tent in the middle of the employee campground of a Ren Faire in the middle of the day. Did you know tent walls are made of nothing? They’re made of nothing. People applauded though, I guess not many people can say that.
ONE TIME A GUY LITERALLY SAID “WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” TO ME LIKE THAT’S AN ACTUAL THING PEOPLE SAY. WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL WE USED TO have kegs out at the end of the road on the backside of five mile. You could park your car there and hike back on the trail to the diversion dam, which we called Giant’s Graveyard. One night a bunch of us were out there. It was pitch black under the trees, you could only navigate by walking with your hands out in front of you and by the feel of what was under your feet as you headed toward the starlight in the clearings. In the dark my hands found this person walking toward me, this guy, and we spontaneously started kissing. Just like that we were under each other’s
clothes and then down in the weeds, totally carried away like it was some kind of pagan Bacchanalia. We laid there for a minute after and laughed, and then went the ways we were headed. I never even saw his face. THERE WAS THE TIME I was giving my boyfriend head in his car in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn and when I came up for a breather, I noticed a van parked next to us with a full on family inside looking over, mouths wide open. MY MOM WAS VISITING ME in Chico for the first time. After spending the entire day together, and
several days before that, Mom wanted some space (but it was mostly me that wanted space). So, my boyfriend and I decided to hit downtown to unwind. We came home to my tiny one bedroom in Chapmantown pretty drunk. I snuck into my room, where my mom was sleeping in my twinsized bed. I shut the door and joyously jumped on the lap of my boyfriend on the couch, where we started making out in earnest. It was exceptionally hot since we had only been together for a few months. Very soon I was straddling him and giving him head. I was somewhere between “really going for it”, and trying to be quiet. In the middle of my gracious gift to my boyfriend, I heard a rustling and looked up just in time to see the silhouette of my mom in the doorway, and to hear her shocked and embarrassed Midwestern, “Oh my” before the door slowly closed. To this day we have never addressed what happened in ANY way.
“WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?” “FOOTBALL.” DOES IT HAVE TO BE SEX OR CAN IT BE SEX- RELATED? Because one time, my husband sent a text from my phone to his that read “I want to suck your cock.” Only he sent it to my sister instead of himself. She woke up to 20 apologetic texts from both of us and had to work her way backward to figure out what we were apologizing for. ONE TIME I WAS GIVING MY BOYFRIEND A HAND JOB IN THE SHOWER. Right before he orgasms, he grabs for the shower wall for stability, which knocks his razor off the shelf into my foot, blades side down. I don’t stop, despite the razor taking a bit of my foot off. After he finishes, he looks up all bedroom eyes and says “Mmm, is there anything I can do for you?” I respond with “I could go for a band aid,” and gesture down, where my blood has mixed with the shower water, and he gasps as he realises we’re in a literal blood bath. I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVING SEX with a guy and he
said he was tired and needed to go to sleep. Before he finished. And it was the first time we had sex. It did wonders for my self esteem. He was actually pretty impressive size-wise, and I had bought normal-sized condoms, so my hope was that his blood supply had been cut off making him drowsy. SHORTLY AFTER GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL, I moved out of my parents’ house for the first time. I moved in with two of my best friends, and despite the usual financial and interpersonal issues that stem from first-time roommate situations, we had a great time and threw lots of parties. At one of these parties, somehow a male stripper was in the mix. I guess he was a friend of a friend or something because I had never seen him before, and haven’t since. At one point he was giving a few of us girls a lap dance and he casually, coyly, and very sexily grabbed me and kind of lured me into the nearest bedroom (which was my roommate’s, and believe me, I heard about it later).
The stripper was sexy. And it felt good to be wanted, even if it wasn’t real. I wasn’t a virgin, but I wasn’t super experienced either. We were making out, and I was so turned on and excited, but I didn’t really know what I was doing. At one point, he grabbed my hand and put it on his penis. In a sexy, husky voice he says, “I want you to touch it. Do you want to touch it?” I whisper, in my most sexy turned on voice, “Yes.” Him: “What? What do you want to touch?” Stunned, thinking it was obvious, and again having no experience with this, “your....penis.” He started laughing and everything just grinded to an embarrassing and anti-climatic halt. When he finally got ahold of himself, he corrected me, “my cock.” We just kind of fell asleep after that and “talking dirty” has always been kind of a mystery to me. I WAS 20 YEARS OLD. I WAS DATING AN OLDER MAN. He was 30. He was super cute, and his awkwardness seemed like sweetness. We had been dating for several weeks. I realized afterwards I had been dating his mom. She would have me over for dinners with the both of them, and see me at events or stores and secretly buy me gifts of things she had seen me look at and then wrap them and give them to me in his name. I adored her.
His mom was gone for the night. He had the evening planned. He made a blender of margaritas, gave me one, and then said “Do you want to have sex?” And I said, “Well, I guess.” I had only ever done it with my long term high school boyfriend. So, we did it. I guess. Mostly he masturbated on my leg, in the twin bed he’d had as a child.
being the penthouse suite in the posh part of the hotel. I smelled like fresh waffle cones; a scent that I had grown to hate, but which tended to be loved by everyone close enough to smell my hair. We didn’t fuck for too long, I didn’t get off, but I never do. We were laying in the giant hotel bed afterwards, making small talk about the casino and my job. I mentioned that I would occasionally gamble with the tips I’d earned after I
HE GASPS AS HE REALISES WE’RE IN A LITERAL BLOOD BATH. I held him gently and said “What are you thinking about?” And he said “Football.” I WAS WORKING AT AN ICE CREAM PLACE in a world-class casino at the time (see: not in Oroville) when I met him. We frequently had customers who would come through our line, drunk and wanting to party. He flirted with me as I scooped his order and invited me back to his suite after I finished my shift. He was clearly older than me, but like, hot-dad older. He looked like Mark Wahlberg. I didn’t have any reason not to accept his invitation, so I finished my closing duties and headed to his room. It ended up
finished a shift. It was nothing too intense, usually just 10 or 15 bucks in a slot machine. I never won much, but I indulged every once in a while. He reached over to his jeans on the floor, grabbing his wallet. He peeled off a few hundred dollar bills and tucked them into my purse on the nightstand. “Here,” he said. “I had a great night with you. Go win some big money!” I got dressed and left shortly after. It wasn’t until right now that I realized that I prostituted myself out that night. Holla!
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WE WERE INSIDE THE COLOSSEUM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
HOSTEL LOVE
eyes?
THIS STORY IS NOT ABOUT THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE. That would be with the mother of my children; the love of my life. And I’m not just saying that.
In Rome it was already dark. Rome at night in the summer. If you’ve been, then you know. We walked to the hostel where they had reservations. It was called Hostel Love. In English, just like that. Hostel Love.
But this is about the most spectacular—in the full sense of the term: it was both “incredible” and it was “a spectacle”—and intense and erotic and drug-like fuck of my youth. And as that Milkshake song says: “Damn right, it’s better than yours.” I was backpacking across Europe, by myself, the summer before I started university (the only person to ever come up with that idea, I know). I was on a train station platform. I saw a girl, and we locked eyes. Everything else—the other passengers, the station, fell away. She had cat-like blue eyes, feral and intense, with a lot of eyeliner. Red lipstick. No makeup, otherwise. She was with a friend. We were all getting on the same train. It was headed for Rome. We got on through different doors, but I approached her onboard. She was Norwegian. Her friend, too. She did have blond hair, but she was not tall. We talked in English about who knows what. But the eyes, always the eyes. Our eyes said that we knew what we were headed for; what we were in for. You know what I’m talking about, right? Those
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The girl and I went out alone. It was after midnight. We had a bottle of Italian wine, the kind where you can taste the grape’s skin. We found ourselves at the Colosseum. In Rome you just wind up at places like that. We walked around it, looking for a place to sit. But then I saw a small gap between the gate and the ground. I pointed to it and, without saying anything, we just squeezed ourselves through (*years later, I sent my best friend and his fiance to find that gap, when they were in Rome, but they said they couldn’t find a space big enough to get in, which really confirms the “cupid’s magic portal” theory). We were inside the Colosseum in the middle of the night. Amazingly, there wasn’t a single security guard. Down into the tunnel-like spaces, where tourists can’t go, where the lions and the gladiators with their broadswords waited. Where violent, hedonistic spectacle was born. We waited. Pressed up against the ancient hard stone, under the summer stars, we made out and drank dark wine, and didn’t go all
FEB 9 2015
the way. We were back at Hostel Love before first light. If you’ve heard of a better first date than that, I’d like to hear about it. The next night, after a day of drinking up Rome’s sights and sounds and pleasures, we came back to Hostel Love. We were in a shared room with three bunk beds. When we started the girl’s friend was there, in the room, and a Canadian Goth girl with lots of piercings, from the bottom bunk, opposite, and the lights were on, and it wasn’t even late. We spoke to them and and looked them straight in their eyes and the girl commanded the Goth to look at us and they both touched us, but they never interfered. It was guttural and animal and we were on the creaking top bunk, as if it were an amphitheatre stage, this youth hostel bed, those thin, worn, cheap sheets. The door was open. We didn’t care. Others came to watch us. They didn’t laugh in shock or even smile, not for a second, not one of them. We looked them in the eyes too. I looked in men’s eyes and women’s. This beyond intense sex magic, this heady, pheromonal, intoxicating force pervaded the entire hostel. I’m 100% certain that every single person in that hostel fucked that night. This was confirmed by the girl’s friend, and she said that included herself and the young bosomy Italian woman working
the front desk. And people, the next morning, looked at us with awe—no winks, no smiles, just awe. Something external, something eternal, had taken us over, all of us. I’ve never done anything performative like that before or since. The girl and I travelled together a bit later in the summer, getting briefly kidnapped in Morocco, then skinny dipping in the icy fjords in her home country. Then we fought and never spoke again. She’s a famous director there, now, I recently learned, though we don’t talk. Cupid is not some small-dicked,
Wikipedia, because I’m telling this story for Valentine’s Day. It says this, too: “An association of sex and violence is found in the erotic fascination for gladiators, who often had sexualized names such as Cupido.” Were we struck by Cupid’s arrow on that train station platform? Can there be any doubt?
TIED UP IT WAS THIS GUY I STAYED WITH FOR A WHILE IN BERLIN WHO GOT ME INTO KINK. One of the things I discovered is, when I’m having sex with men, I prefer
NOW HE’S LOOKING AT PICTURES OF HIS HIS SON MAKING OUT WITH THIS CYPRIAN HUNK OF A GUY. chubby little angel with a little bow on a post-card. He’s Eros’ Roman counterpart. Cupid, god of desire, Venus’ son. They call him “Amor” in Latinate languages (as in “love,” as in “Hostel Love”), but sometimes he’s called “the demon of fornication.” I’m just looking this up on
to be the sub, but when I’m having sex with women I have no interest in that whatsoever. We hooked up like five minutes after getting to his apartment, the first time. I knew virtually nothing about kink at the time. He was into this certain kind of bondage called Shabari— which is Japanese rope bondage a lot of kinksters are into. You can
completely restrain someone so that they literally cannot move. You lose all control of your body. There’s whole communities of people who just get together and tie each other up and there’s not even any sex involved. Which wasn’t the case here (laughing). I was letting him tie me up a lot. Shabari is... beautiful. A lot of the ties incorporate things that look like Jacob’s Ladder or the string games that you play when you’re a kid. Anyways, at one point I told him he could take some pictures with my camera. He took a few. When I get back, my dad picks me up from the airport. You can see where this is going (laughing). He was with my youngest brother and my now wife, who was just a friend back them. We were going through pictures of my trip and I just completely forgot that those were in there. There were pictures of his house, which should have jogged my memory. I had come out to my dad [as being bi] a few years before and he didn’t want to know; he didn’t want to acknowledge it. We never talked
“UH, I’M 17. I SHOULDN’T BE HERE RIGHT NOW.” about it again. Now he’s looking at pictures of his his son making out with this Cyprian hunk of a guy. This guy’s really gorgeous, too. So, we’re clicking through and, low and behold, I click to the next picture and it’s of me tied up with this rope around my cock with this huge boner and a bunch of chains and restraints and shit in the background and I’m like ‘uhhh!!!, click! click! click!’ and for some reason I keep clicking the forward button in my panic so we’re just getting this, like, slideshow of all this dungeon porn and [his now wife] is just busting up laughing. My brother, who was maybe 12 at the time is like “Is that you?” And I look over at my dad he’s just fucking stiff in his chair; all the color is completely drained out of his face. I was kinda mortified up
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO DO IT ANYWAY.
until the point when I saw his face and, then, I just fucking died. I’ve never laughed so hard. So, that’s how I came out to my dad as being a kinkster.
THE SHAGGIN’ WAGON I MET UP IN MARYSVILLE WITH SOMEONE WHO LIVES IN SACRAMENTO. That was the halfway point, so we’d just meet there. I decked out the back of my van with blankets and cushions and everything. I call it the Shaggin Waggin. We parked at this park in Marysville near the river and (laughing) had sex for like four hours in the back of the van. People would walk by every now and then and we had to hide. But then, the funniest was, a whole bus load of kids pulled up and got out. They surrounded us. So we had to stop and have lunch till the kids were gone.
I CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE PRINTING THESE WORDS YOU PEOPLE THAT DON’T HAVE KIDS don’t know the horrors that people who have kids have to go through, sex-wise. Little babies,
these days, sleep in bed with you. Sometimes they nurse all night long. Sometimes you’re spooning your woman while she nurses the baby. Sometimes you just have to do it anyway. Like, a three-way with your baby. It’s terrible.
THE WORST ORGY EVER HAD WE GO OVER TO PLAY CARDS AT SOMEONE’S HOUSE. Being a bunch of teenagers, all we had was a small case of Miller Lite. We managed to turn the game Cards Against Humanity into a strip game, which is really a terrible idea, I don’t even know how we did it. Anyways, within an hour, because we made really shitty rules, everyone was completely stripped. This was extra awkward because there were five teenage boys who were afraid of seeming gay in front of each other. Still, somehow we wind up in an upstairs room, all together, naked. Then, what was certifiably the most awkward attempt at an orgy ever, started. There was this one guy that was particularly defensive and fearful about being naked in front of other guys, especially given that we were supposed to be having an orgy. Right away he said: “No guys better touch me or I’ll fucking kill you.” Also, there was a girl who wouldn’t let anyone touch her; she only wanted to be the toucher. Then, not more than five minutes in, one of the participants has an allergic
reaction to something she’d eaten earlier in the night. She is literally screaming in pain, doubled over. She’s escorted out, not to be seen again for the rest of the night. Two minutes after that, the girl who didn’t want anyone to touch her has a straight-up, legitimate panic attack. One of us has to run out, naked, to her car, to get her antianxiety medicine. People kept dropping off. At this point we’re down by almost half. Then, one guy, we notice, isn’t participating. We ask him, “What’s up? Are you ok?” That’s when he said: “Uh, I’m 17. I shouldn’t be here right now.” Then, without making eye-contact or saying anything whatsoever, he just gets up, puts his clothes on, and leaves without saying goodbye. At that point our orgy is literally down to four people: Me, my girlfriend, Panic Attack Girl, and the homophobic guy. Panic Attack Girl was giving Homophobic Guy a handjob and he told her, “ow, that’s too hard.” So he asked for a blowjob. Panic Attack Girl agreed, but homophobic guy couldn’t cum, so she ended up giving him a blowjob for an hour and a half. Pretty much the worst orgy ever, is what this was. Happy Valentine’s day, folks.
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O N THE TOW N — V I N CE L ATHAM FACE B OOK .COM / VA NGUARD P H OTOGRAP H Y
PR O DU C T I V I T Y WAST E D
Dying Light ZOMBIES, NOW WITH CLIMBING Polish developer Techland’s three most famous releases have this is common: they are large, they are bloody, and they are absolutely covered in zombies. Their first two were Dead Island and its sequel, Dead Island: Riptide, both large and ultimately boring. Dying Light is somewhat seen as their attempt at redemption, and many have referred to it as what Dead Island should have been. Of course, that doesn’t make it great, either. Dying Light traps the player in a quarantined city filled to the gills with zombies, hands them a rusty water pipe, and teaches them parkour. That last one seems a little out of left field, but it actually makes perfect sense, as the (majority of) zombies cannot climb, and it’s where Dead Island adds freshness to the increasingly limp, decayed, and overplayed zombie. Dying Light shows further cleverness by adding in a special type of zombie called the Volatile, which is twice as fast as the player, tough as a tank, and extremely photosensitive. Night becomes horrifically dangerous, and the first few nights that the player dares go outside for are nothing short of pulse pounding. Escaping a horde of Volatiles cannot be done by outpacing or out-climbing, but only by outsmarting them, by juking down dark alleys, bouncing off zombie heads for a personal advantage, or if you’re feeling bold, shining a handheld UV lamp back into their eyes while running forward blindly. The Volatile is quite possibly the best thing about the entire game. With a million side-quests to do and a lot of city to explore, Dying Light shines in its more “organic” moments of interaction: exploration, investigation, and carving out a niche for the threatened player. It’s in the 10
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opposite category where it fails the hardest: its scripted moments. The characters are largely forgettable: Protagonist Kyle Crane quickly abandons his interesting internal conflict to become a boring (and somewhat whiny) hero, and there is Girl, Jade Aldemar. You can recognize her because for some reason the protagonist really likes her, and the camera zooms up really close, onto her eyes, whenever you talk. There is also villain warlord, Rais, who is a horrible realization of an angsty teen using philosophy to justify being an ass. It doesn’t help that the majority of the campaign missions are constricting and at times confusing, often trapping the player in mazes of pipes or corridors, leaving the player longing for the glory of sidequesting. As the game progresses, however, even many of the sidequests become more frustrating busywork, as new zombie types seem to evolve solely to be a pain in the ass, and the enormous stockpiling of medkits and massive damage weapons makes lategame Crane a walking tank, slowly grinding through the poor city of Harran. At its core, Dying Light has great ideas and great potential, yet ironically, the further I progressed into this RPG, the less I enjoyed it. Despite all that, don’t let my negative talk turn you too far away; early game sprints through the slums from Volatile hordes in pitch darkness were worth the price of admission on their own.
by ELI SCHWARTZ pwasted@synthesis.net
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FOOD + DRINK MOVIE NIGHT EVERY THURSDAY IN FEBRUARY OVER $1,500 IN PRIZES,
LIFT TICKETS TO BANZAI AND SWAG!
RED BULL DRINK SPECIALS
ALL NIGHT LONG
MONDAY TUESDAY
M O V I E N I G H T S TA R T S AT 9 P M
ANY 3 OLIVES/ RED BULL $ 4 S I N G L E $ 5 D B L
WEDNESDAY
Closed. We need to drink, too!
Come see our beautiful Patio! Happy Hour 4-6: Menu cocktails $1 off. Sierra Nevada Draft $3
Come see our beautiful Patio! Happy Hour 4-6: Menu cocktails $1 off. Sierra Nevada Draft $3 Live music 8-10
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Mon-Fri Happy Hour 12-4pm $3 Sierra & Domestic Pints 6PM - close $1 Off Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry DBLs All Day Every Day
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7pm PBR $2.25 Everyday!
$2.50 TUESDAY: Tacos, Corn Dogs, Fries or Tots, Chips & Salsa and Motzerells sticks only $2.50 ALL Day! Homemade Soup Daily $3 Sierra and Dom Pints $ 3.50 Kamis ALL DAY!
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!
WING WEDNESDAY! $2 for 3 Wings w/ drink purchase 8pm-Close $4.50 Shooter of the Day $5.50 DBL Bacardi Cocktails $5 Sailor Jerry DBLs All Day Every Day
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7pm
Mon-Fri Happy Hour 12-4pm $3 Sierra & Domestic Pints $3.50 Soccer moms $6 Dbl Roaring Vodka Homemade Soup Daily $5 Sailor Jerry DBLs All Day Every Day
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7pm PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Open 9pm Bartender Specials $3 14oz. Slushies $4 20oz. Slushies Jim Beam Promo 10pmclose Specials, Samples, Prizes!
Mon-Fri Happy Hour 12-4pm $3 Sierra & Dom Pints Weekend Blast Off!! 8-close $6 Dom Draft & Jack or Jack Honey Shot
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM
Open 9pm DJ BATTLE 9pm - 11pm Bartender Specials $3 14oz. Slushies $4 20oz. Slushies Crown Royal Apple Promo 11pm- close Specials, Samples, Prizes!
Open at 11am $4.50 Bloody Mary $5.50 Absolut Peppar Bloody Marys Noon - 6PM $1 OFF SN & Dom Pitcher $5.50 DBL Bacardi Cocktails
CLOSED
10am -2pm $5 Bottles of Champagne with entree $4.50 Bloody Mary $5.50 Absolut Peppar Bloody Marys
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HALF-RACK SLOW COOKED P O R K R I B S W/ S A L A D , F R I E S
AND GARLIC BREAK $11.99 344 west 8th St | chico, ca | 530-343-2790
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Come see our beautiful Patio! Happy Hour 4-6: Wander Food Truck on the Patio 6pm
No Cover Open 9PM Bartender Specials $2 Dom Bottles & Wells $3 20oz. Slushies 10pm - close Southern Comfort Promo Prizes & Giveaways!
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We open at 12:00pm.
SATURDAY SUNDAY
Tacotruck.biz and Beers on the Patio!
WE OPEN AT 12:00PM MIMOSAS WITH FRESH SQUEEZED OJ FOR $5 UNTIL 5PM.
Homemade Soup Daily
Open Mic Comedy Night Every Other Week! Happy Hour 2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR & Olympia Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!
$6.99 Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich MONSTER MONDAY SPECIALS 6PM-CLOSE BEER $3.50/4.50/5.50/6.50
Two Dollar Tuesdays! $2 PBRs $2 Tacos! Happy Hour 2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Cans Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!
Fried Chicken Sandwich w/fries or salad $6.99
8 ball Tourney 6pm sign-up Happy Hour 2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!
Reuben Sand w/ fries or salad $6.99
Happy Hour 2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!
1/2 Rack Slow Cooked Pork Ribs w/ fries, salad and garlic bread $11.99
Rock Out at The DL! Enjoy Live Music, Great Grub, and 10 9' foot tables Open @11am All ages untill 10pm
10 oz. Tri-Tip Steak w/ Fries or Salad & Garlic Bread $8.99 8pm-Close $4 J채ger Shots $5 DBL 3 Olive Red Bull $5 Imports
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7pm Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights! PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Rock Out at The DL! Enjoy Live Music, Great Grub, and 10 9' foot tables Open @11am All ages untill 10pm
1/2 Rack Slow Cooked Pork Ribs w/ fries, salad and garlic bread $11.99 8pm-Close $4 or $6 DBL Jack or Captain & Coke or 3 Olives Any Flavor
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7pm PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Free Pool with Purchase! 1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Cans
$5.49 Grad/Garden/ Turkey Burger w/fries or salad Bloodies $3 Well, $4 Call, $5 Top, $6 Goose Mimosas $2/flute, $5/pint $7 CHEAP Beer Pitchers
Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights! PBR $2.25 Everyday!
HAPPY HOUR 4-7PM Beer Week Guinness cocktail specials Beer coozie giveaway at back bar
FEBRUARY 13
HQX./SOTA PRESENTS
live music friday, feb. 13
FEBRUARY 20
mondegreens whiskerman ave grave
ESQUIRE ALI & GUESTS
9:30pm | $5 cover
319 MAIN STREET (530) 892-2473 12
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PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY
(530) 343-7718 337 Main St
FREE Pool EVERY DAY after 10PM w/ Purchase
6-close $3 Sierra Nevada Pints FREE Pool EVERY DAY after 10PM w/ Purchase
6pm-Close Pitcher Specials $7/$10/$14 FREE Pool EVERY DAY after 10PM w/ Purchase
6pm-Close $3.50 All beer pints 3 Olive Red Bull$4/$5 DBL 9PM Red Bull Movie Night
Fire Grill &
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BEAR-E-OKE BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger with fries or salad for $5.49. 11am-10pm.
Bar
Happy Hour 11-6pm select bottles & drafts $3
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2 FOR 1 BURGERS ALL DAY !! MINORS WELCOME!
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$2.50 Select Sierra Nevada or Dom Drafts $2 Kamis -any flavor All Day
$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour 4-8pm
Under New Management!
Happy Hour 4 - 7pm
Progressive Night:
NEW Food Menu
$1.50 sliders and other cheap eats!
8 - 10pm $1 Dom, Wells & Sierra Nevada Pale Ale 10pm - Close: Up $0.25 per hour til closing
LATE NIGHT EATS! kitchen open until 1 AM Closed
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BEAR WEAR! 1/2 off while wearing Bear Wear. MUG CLUB 4-10PM LATE NIGHT EATS! kitchen open until 1 AM
WACKY WEDNESDAYS (8pm - close ) DJ Party 4 different DJ’s $1 wells $2 calls $2 domestic bottles $6 pitchers of well drinks
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Happy Hour 4 - 8pm Ladies Night! 8pm - CLOSE $5 Pabst pitchers $2 shot board $4 Moscow Mules $3 Jamo and Ginger Buck Hour 10:30 - 11:30
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Happy Hour 4 - 8pm
Early Bird Special 9-10pm 1/2 off wells
FIREBALL FRIDAYS!!! 8pm - Close $3 Fireball Shots $4 Big Teas $3 Coronas
TRIKE RACES! Post time @ 10pm. Win T-shirts and Bear Bucks. MUG CLUB 4-10PM
All 16 oz Teas or AMF $3 All Day
$3.50 Skyyy Vodka Cocktails $3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour 4-8pm
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1/2 OFF EVERYTHING!!!
LATE NIGHT EATS! kitchen open until 1 AM
1/2 OFF COVER before 10PM
BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger with fries or salad for $5.49. 11am-10pm. MUG CLUB from 4-10PM
Happy Hour 11-6pm $3 select bottles & drafts $2.50 16oz Wells All Day
Early Bird Special 9-10pm 1/2 off wells
KARAOKE "INDUSTRY NIGHT" 8 PM - CLOSE HALF OFF ALMOST EVERYTHING!(Except Red Bull and Premium Liquors) Specials All Day!
Go DownLo
Under New Management!
Happy Hour 4 -7pm
NEW Food Menu
$1.50 sliders and other cheap eats!!
4-6pm $1 Dom Drafts $2 SN Drafts & Wells $5 DBL Captain 8pm - Close $4 151 Party punch 22oz. 8 - 9pm $1 Pale Ale & Dom.Draft Up $0.25/ hr until close
LATE NIGHT EATS! kitchen open until 1 AM
Select Pints $3
$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour 4-8pm Jim Beam Promo 10pmclose Specials, Samples, Prizes!
Monday - Friday HAPPY HOUR 4-7PM $1 OFF ALL DRINKS (excludes energy drinks)
Happy Hour- 4-7pm $5 Fridays 4-8pm Most food items and pitchers of beer are $5
Power Hour 8-9pm 1/2 Off Liquor & Drafts (excludes pitchers) 9pm-Close $3 Domestic Drafts $9.75 Pitchers $5 Dbl Sugar Island Rum NO COVER
LATE NIGHT EATS! kitchen open until 1 AM
$4 Sex On The Beach $4 Sierra Nevada Knightro ON TAP $1 Jello Shots 7-10pm $3 Fireball
$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour 4-8pm Crown Royal Apple Promo 11pm- close Specials, Samples, Prizes!
Saturday & Sunday HAPPY HOUR 3-6PM $1 OFF ALL DRINKS (excludes energy drinks)
Hot "Dawgs" ALL DAY!
Mon. - Sat. 4pm - 6pm $1 Dom. draft, $2 SN Draft and Wells Power Hour 8 - 9pm $3 Domestic Drafts $9.75 Pitchers $5 Dbl Sugar Island Rum NO COVER
BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger with fries or salad for $5.49. 11am-10pm.
$4 World Famous Bloody Joe $5 Premium bloodys your choice of vodka
Champagne Brunch 11am - 2pm $4 Champagne with entree
Saturday & Sunday HAPPY HOUR 3-6PM $1 OFF ALL DRINKS (excludes energy drinks)
Champagne Brunch and SPORTS!
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LIVE MUSIC 1/2 OFF COVER before 10PM
Opening at 8pm for 80's NIGHT!! 8 pm - CLOSE $4 Sauza Margaritas $3 Kamis $3 Shocktop & VIP pint
9pm-Close $2 12oz Teas $3 20oz Teas $2 Well, Dom Bottles & bartender Specials $5 Vodka Red Bull 10pm-close Southern Comfort Promo Prizes & Giveaways!
4-6pm $1 Dom Drafts $2 SN Drafts & Wells $5 DBL Captain Buck Night 8-Close $1 wells, SN Pale Ale, Rolling Rock, Dom Draft $3 Black Butte $4 Vodka Redbull
LIVE MUSIC 1/2 OFF COVER before 10pm
All-Star
GAME SUNDAY | FEB. 15
$5 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE w/ ENTREE $4.50 BLOODY MARY $5.50 ABSOLUT PEPPER BLOODY MARY’s 134 Broadway St, Chico, CA | 530.893.5253
LATE NIGHT EATS! kitchen open until 1am
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Fine Dining in the Tradition of Southern Italy
SICILIAN CAFÉ
Celebrating 30 years !
Farm. Fresh. Italian.
FRIDAY, FEB 13TH
FRIDAY, FEB 13TH
Have you always wondered about our buddy-town to the south? (I’m lookin’ at you, Paradise). Head on up the hill for a taste of Chico local bands Get Foxy, Wanderers & Wolves, Bull Moose Party, and Socorro. If you hit the road with the church whose sign I drove into that one time in high school, you’ve gone too far. 9pm, 21+, free.
One Direction + likability - British accents + musical talent = The Mondegreens. Bask in the smooth-cheeked glory that is Chico’s soon-to-be new favorite band. Come join these babes in toyland--I mean Duffy’s, as they play alongside Ave Grave (Sean Galloway) and Whiskerman (Oakland). 9pm, 21+, count on a cover. These fresh faces are worth it.
SATURDAY, FEB 14TH
SATURDAY, FEB 14TH
GET FOXY, WANDERERS & WOLVES, BULL MOOSE PARTY, SOCORRO KINGS TAVERN (PARADISE)
LOVE BITES: A ZOMBIE ANTI V-DAY PARTY
MONDEGREENS, AVE GRAVE, WHISKERMAN
DUFFY’S TAVERN
NEW WAVE PROM
THE MALTESE
CHICO WOMEN’S CLUB
Well kid, you’re single for yet another Valentine’s Day, but it’s ok. Brush your teeth (and your cats), and head on down to The Maltese for a zombie-themed night! Best zombie costume gets a bar tab, gift certificate to Funky Trunk for best zombie makeup, and for all you zombie couples, screw you! But also, a gift certificate to best zombie couple. 9:30pm, 21+, free!
Break out those day-glo high-tops and your freshest Frankie Say Relax t-shirt, because it’s New Wave Prom time! With 80’s hits spun all night by DJ Mike Flanagan and DJ J-Ho, and performances by Her Tragic Mistake and Claudette de Versailles, this is an event you definitely don’t want to miss. Throw on your most blangin’ blazer, roll those sleeves, and prepare yourself. 8pm, 21+, $10-$13.
This Week...
KARL DENSON’S TINY UNIVERSE W/ MOJO GREEN
SPIRITUAL REZ W/ BIG STICKY MESS
Upcoming shows... 02/19
02/26
02/20 FURLOUGH FRIDAYS
02/28 GROOVESESSION
CHICO’S 4TH ANNUAL BOB MARLEY DAY CELEBRATION W/ THE MIGHTY DIAMONDS
1020 Main Street Chico 530.345.2233 14
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On
Main
FEB
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319 MAIN ST | DOORS OPEN AT 9PM | HALF OFF DRINKS BEFORE 10PM
FRUITITION AND SCOTT PEMBERTON TRIO
F EATURED EV EN TS
O N G O I N G E V E N TS
DENGUE FEVER
9 MONDAY
Senator Theatre: Logic: The Under Pressure World Tour. 7pm, $18
10 TUESDAY
Home: Stay home, ya loon!
11 WEDNESDAY See Tuesday.
12 THURSDAY
Blue Room Theatre: True West. 7:30pm Every Thursday is Pay What You Can. Ceres Building: LDS Chico Stake Blood Drive. 3pm. Chico Women’s Club: KZFR Presents: Dengue Fever. 7:30pm. Harlen Adams Theater Stage: Harlem Renaissance Rent Costume Party: Celebration of Black History Month. 6pm, all ages, $5. LaSalles: Happy Hour with live music by O.B.E. 4-8pm, 21+
13 FRIDAY
Blue Room Theatre: True West. 7:30pm BMU Auditorium: The Vagina Monologues. 10pm, $10-$15. Chico Art Center: Focal Plane & Multi Plane: Photography & 3D Works Artist’s Reception. 5-7pm, all ages, free. Chico Grange Hall: Fred Eaglesmith. 7pm. Chico Women’s Club: Eliza Gilkyson, Nina Gerber. 7pm, all ages, $25. Duffy’s Tavern: The Mondegreens, Ave Grave, Whiskerman. 9pm, 21+. Great State Coffee Company: Daniel Beebe Art Show. 7-9pm. King’s Tavern (Paradise): Get Foxy, Wanderers & Wolves, Bull Moose Party, Socorro. 9pm, 21+, free.
LaSalles: Power 102 Presents: Heart On Ball. 9pm, 21+. Maltese: Friday The 13th with Shadow Limb and Metronaut. 9pm, 21+. Senator Theatre: Granger Smith, Earl Dibbles Jr. Sam Shupak. 7:30pm, $12 Tackle Box: Live Music with Driver. 9pm, 21+. Valene L. Smith Museum of Anthropology (CSUC): Annual Cake and Coffee Birthday Reception. 12-1pm.
14 SATURDAY
Bidwell Park: Habitat’s Run For Homes. 8:30am, all ages, $25 Blue Room Theatre: True West. 7:30pm BMU Auditorium: The Vagina Monologues. 10pm, $10-$15. Chico Women’s Club: New Wave Prom. 8pm, 21+, $10 advance, $13 door. LaSalles: Happy Hour with live music by Band Master Rukus. 4-8pm, 21+. Maltese: Love Bites: A Zombie Anti V-Day Party. 9:30pm, 21+, free. Midtown Local: Vegan Valentine’s Day Party. 7pm, all ages, $10 advance, $15 door. Tackle Box: Live Music with Ma Barker. 9pm, 21+. Valene L. Smith Museum of Anthropology (CSUC): Family Day with Make & Take Projects: 11am-3pm, free.
15 SUNDAY
Dorothy Johnson Community Center: Soul Shake 6th Anniversary Dance. 10am. Maltese: No Dik Just Jane: All Lady Comedy Night. 8pm, 21+, $5.
9 MONDAY
100th Monkey: Fusion Belly Dance mixed-level class, with BellySutra. $8/class or $32/month. 6-7pm The Bear: Bear-E-oke! 9pm Chico Womens Club: Prenatal Yoga. 5:306:30pm DownLo: Open Mic Comedy Night. Free. Pool League. 7pm. All ages until 10pm Janet Turner Print Museum: New Work/ New Artist II: National Print Competition Solo Exhibition Award Winner Kathy Aoki. 11am-4pm Maltese: Open Mic Music, Signups at 8pm, starts at 9pm. Mug Night 7-11:30pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Yoga Center Of Chico: Sound Healing w. Emiliano (no relation). Breathwork, Meditation, Healing.
10 TUESDAY
The Bear: Open Jam Night, featuring a different live band opening each week. Bring instruments, 9pm-1:30am Chico Women’s Club: Yoga. 9-10am. Afro Carribean Dance. $10/class or $35/mo. 5:50-7pm. Crazy Horse Saloon: All Request Karaoke. 21+ DownLo: Game night. All ages until 10pm Holiday Inn Bar: Salsa Lessons, 7-10pm LaSalles: ’90s night. 21+ Janet Turner Print Museum: New Work/New Artist II: Kathy Aoki. 11am-4pm Panama Bar: Tropical Tuesdays ft. Mack Morris & DJ2K. 10pm Studio Inn Lounge: Karaoke. 8:30pm-1am University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Valene L. Smith Museum of Anthropology: “Leaping Lemurs and Mysterious Crimes: On the Trail of Physical Anthropology.” 11am3:00pm Woodstocks: Trivia Challenge. Call at 4pm to reserve a table. Starts 6:30pm
11 WEDNESDAY
The Bear: Trike Races. Post time 10pm Chico Women’s Club: Afro Brazilian Dance. 5:30-7pm DownLo: Wednesday night jazz. 8 Ball Tournament, signups 6pm, starts 7pm Duffys: Dance Night! DJ Spenny, Lois, and Jeff Howse. $1, 9pm Farm Star Pizza: Live Jazz with Carey Robinson and Friends. 6pm-8pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Janet Turner Print Museum: Kathy Aoki. 11am-4pm The Maltese: Friends With Vinyl! Bring your vinyl and share up to 3 songs/12 minutes
on the turntable. 9pm-1am The Tackle Box: Open Mic, 9:30pm-12am University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Valene L. Smith Museum of Anthropology: “Leaping Lemurs and Mysterious Crime.” 11am-3:00pm Woodstocks: Trivia Night plus Happy Hour. call at 4pm to reserve a table. Starts at 8pm
12 THURSDAY
The Beach: Live DJ, no cover, 9pm Chico Theater Company: Mary Poppins. 7:30pm, all ages DownLo: Live Jazz. 8-11pm. All ages until 10pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Has Beans Downtown: Open Mic Night. 7-10pm. Signups start at 6pm Holiday Inn Bar: Karaoke. 8pm-midnight Janet Turner Print Museum: Kathy Aoki. 11am-4pm LaSalles: Free live music on the patio. 6-9pm Maltese: Karaoke. 9pm-close Panama Bar: Buck night and DJ Eclectic & guests on the patio. 9pm Pleasant Valley Rec Center: CARD World Dance Classes. 6-7pm/youth 10-17, 7-8:30pm/adults. $20/4classes Quackers: Karaoke night with Andy. 9pm1am Tackle Box: Karaoke with DJ Andy. 9pm1am, 21+ University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Valene L. Smith Museum of Anthropology: “Leaping Lemurs and Mysterious Crime.” 11am-3:00pm Woodstocks: Open Mic Night Yoga Center Of Chico: Ecstatic Dance with Clay Olson. 7:30-9:30pm
13 FRIDAY
The Beach: Live DJ, 9pm Cafe Coda: Friday Morning Jazz with Bogg, happy hour. 10am-2pm Chico Creek Dance Center: Chico international folk dance club. 7:30pm, $2 Chico Theater Company: Mary Poppins. 7:30pm, all ages DownLo: ½ off pool. All ages until 10pm. Live Music, 8pm Duffys: Pub Scouts - Happy Hour. 4-7pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Holiday Inn Bar: DJ Dance Party. 8pm-midnight Janet Turner Print Museum: Kathy Aoki. 11am-4pm LaSalles: Open Mic night on the patio. 6-9pm
Maltese: Happy hour with live jazz by Bogg. 5-7pm. LGBTQ+ Dance Party. 9pm Panama Bar: Jigga Julee, DJ Mah on the patio. 9pm Peeking: BassMint. Weekly electronic dance party. $1-$5. 9:30pm Quackers: Live DJ. 9pm Sultan’s Bistro: Bellydance Performance. 6:30-7:30pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Valene L. Smith Museum of Anthropology: “Leaping Lemurs and Mysterious Crime.” 11am-3:00pm
14 SATURDAY
The Beach: Live DJ Battle, 9pm DownLo: 9 Ball tournament. Signups at noon, starts at 1pm. All ages until 10pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Holiday Inn Bar: DJ Dancing. The Molly Gunn’s Revival! 8pm-midnight Janet Turner Print Museum: Kathy Aoki. 11am-4pm LaSalles: 80’s Night. 8pm-close Panama Bar: DJ Eclectic on the patio. 9pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Valene L. Smith Museum of Anthropology: “Leaping Lemurs and Mysterious Crime.” 11am-3:00pm
15 SUNDAY
Chico Theatre Company: Mary Poppins. 2pm, all ages Dorothy Johnson Center: Soul Shake Dance Church. $8-$15. 10am-12:30pm DownLo: Free Pool, 1 hour with every $8 purchase. All ages until 10pm LaSalles: Karaoke. 9pm Maltese: Live Jazz 4-7pm. Tackle Box: Karaoke, 8pm
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15
O N THE TOW N J ESSI CA SID
LE T T E R S TO D E S M O N D
Fifty Shades of Sexual Abuse Can we talk for a minute about the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie? Let me first get this bit of embarrassment out of the way: I’ve read the first book. And it’s awful. It’s depressingly bad. I say “depressing” because it’s a real bummer to me that this drivel would make it on the bestsellers list. When there’s such strong buzz surrounding a book, I’ll almost always read at least the first few chapters. This weird curiosity I have for popular books carries over to horror movies as well. No other genre. Just horror. I’m not sure why, but if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that like someone with Asperger’s studying pictures of people’s faces in an attempt to understand human emotion, I watch popular horror movies trying to understand the appeal. (I also sometimes study those “How Do I Feel Right Now” charts in my free time, for very important and grownup research). This detrimental curiosity has driven me to read The Hunger Games, The Da Vinci Code, Divergent, Fifty Shades of Grey, and watch The Conjuring no less than three times. THREE times, people. I’m really banking on the old adage that if curiosity killed that ol’ cat, that maybe I’ll get lucky and it’ll strike me down too. Aside from the really, really poor writing, and the uninspired lead female character, my main issue with Fifty Shades is that author E.L. James did nothing to assuage the negative views and false perceptions about the BDSM community. References from pop culture have taught us that BDSM is all about whips and chains, deviants with sexual trauma in their past, and is nothing more than a fringe culture of “freaks” and miscreants with damaged sexual appetites. E.L. James frames the male lead (Christian 16
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Grey) as someone who was abused as a child, hence his interest in BDSM. Grey chooses for the subject of his “affections” Anastasia (the aforementioned uninspired female lead), despite the fact that she’s not only a virgin to BDSM, she hasn’t had sex at all, a partner who would be most undesirable to someone actually in the community. Throughout Fifty Shades, the storyline eroticizes dangerous practices that are much less BDSM and much more simply straight up physical and sexual abuse. Even the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which in 1952 listed sadomasochism as a sociopathic personality disorder has since come around and reclassified it. In reality, before sexual interaction occurs between a dominant and submissive, there’s a lengthy negotiation up front. Their boundaries are clearly defined and discussed, and it’s up to the dominant to fulfill the submissive’s needs, which is what brings the dominant pleasure. It’s is not primarily about pain, but rather a power exchange between a dominant and submissive. The good news about Fifty Shades is that in many ways it’s shining a light on BDSM so that conversations can be had about what being a part of that community actually entails. However, I don’t think any amount of accurate information about BDSM will bring down the number of sexual mishaps that most certainly will occur once the movie is released.
by ZOOEY MAE zooeymae@synthesis.net
IM MAC ULATE IN FE CTION
ON T H E TOWN J ESS ICA SID
When Coffee Attacks THE PLAGUE HITS CHICO, A GRIPE ABOUT VINYL, AND AN UNEXPECTED REACTION TO COFFEE CAUSES ME TO QUESTION EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I KNEW ABOUT LIFE. Apparently the plague is going around Chico, or maybe a variety of different plagues. People are coughing, aching, vomiting in the streets, and hacking up little green and yellow hunks of lung tissue; people are sick. I don’t want to bore you with mundane details about my own poor health, but I will tell you this: Thursday I will be stepping into a doctor’s examination room for the first time in at least a half-dozen years. On a semi-related note I’m also giving up alcohol for the month of February, and coffee for an amount of time yet to be determined. The alcohol abstinence is voluntary; the coffee not so much. About three weeks ago I found myself persistently nauseous. I drink coffee first thing every morning like clockwork, so the thought that the wondrous brown elixir might be the culprit never crossed my mind. But one morning my coffee ritual was delayed, and I was feeling fine. I figured whatever was causing the nausea had passed until I drank a half a cup of life-giving mocha java. Then it hit me—both the queasy stomach, and the horrifying realization that the drink that gives meaning to my life had somehow turned against me. Now I’m drinking tea and seriously questioning whether or not there is any rhyme or reason to the multiverses. The alcohol lay-off is a planned event. I try to take the month of February off every year, well, at least for the past couple years— though last year’s wagon ride didn’t last long. I do this for physical and mental reasons: to give my liver a break and to prove myself that I can quit anytime I want. I pick February because it is the shortest month of the year. The one year I actually followed through I lost weight, saved a lot of money, and found my thinking clearer and my emotions
more stable. Then March came around and I decided to make up for lost time. I don’t know if there is any real benefit from the ritual, but what the hell. For the Record I want to say for the record that I love the ARC Thrift Store, but I’ve got a bone to pick with whomever is pricing the vinyl there. You buy a book at ARC and the price is determined not by the content or quality of the book, but simply by it being a hardback or a paperback—but for some reason the powers that be have decided records need to be priced individually. It’s a crock. The records are not sorted, so you go flipping through junk—Juice Newton, Barbara Streisand, and enough Glen Miller to choke a mule—before you get to something you might actually consider listening to, and then you find that instead of the typical fifty cents, they’ve got it priced at eight bucks. To top it off you pull the album out of the sleeve and it looks like somebody held a damned cockfight on the thing. Come on. What they’re charging for some of the albums at ARC is comparable to Melody’s pricing. But at Melody you get albums that are organized, inspected, cleaned, and stand a better than average chance of actually playing through when you get them home. I don’t know why I’m complaining, I guess I should stop wasting my time flipping through rubbish and go to Melody, but there is no feeling like scoring a gem at seventy five cents, and I did pick up a pretty pristine copy of David Lee Roth’s Scyscraper today for a buck fifty.
by BOB HOWARD Madbob@madbob.com FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO
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Distracted By Visions by EMILIANO GARCIA-SARNOFF “When we remove a sense—one of the five— we are temporarily heightening one of our other four senses,” Henry “Hoby” Wedler tells us. Hoby—our fearless olfactory explorer and tour guide through tastes—is a PhD student in Organic Chemistry at UC Davis and has been blind since birth. We, on the other hand, are a roomful of beer fans with silky, black, Fifty Shades of Grey blindfolds on, just this side of being seriously tipsy. Hoby continues: “You put a blindfold on and focus on everything around you. You just sit and listen. You hear the refrigerator for the taps. You hear some glasswork clinking around you. You hear the kitchen. These are things that you might not be able to focus on if you were a little bit distracted by your vision. That’s what the blindfold does for us. It gives the opportunity to really focus on what’s going on around us. And, particularly this evening, it gives us the opportunity to focus on beer.” Hoby’s right. The blindfolds are a bit disorienting—almost claustrophobic—at first. But rather quickly I’m able to really focus in on the flavors and smells of the beers we’re tasting; the way they cut through and mix with the incredible cheeses being served, the way they feel in my mouth. The event, called Tasting in the Dark, is a super fun time, no doubt about it. Hoby helps us discover hidden (or hallucinated) flavors 18
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and aromas, from dried banana to clove, in a glass of Kellerweis, while we grope for the accompanying goat cheese, which we’re told has been placed right in front of us. When we’ve finished, an invisible phalanx of talented servers and/or magical gnomes replenishes our tables with one delicious beer and food pairing after another. Getting buzzed with a group of happy strangers in blindfolds is guaranteed fun, I’m pretty sure. How could the evening not turn increasingly flirty and jokey and gropey? It’s actually a really good idea for a house party. Learning about the beer crafting process along the way is just bonus. After the event, I got a chance to ask Hoby a few questions, and here they are: You also do guided tastings at Francis Ford Coppola Winery. What’s more complex: beer or wine? Wine is more complex in the organic chemistry that goes into it. But beer is more complex in how you can make it. You can’t add anything special to wine. But beer...you can add anything you want. As soon as you said “lemon” or “mango” or whatever, I could taste those things. Are those tastes really “in there” or do we imagine them?
The flavors are in the beer. But they’re not formed by mango or lemon, per say. They’re formed by chemicals from the barley as it’s fermented. Or as alcohol dissolves compounds in barley that has unique flavor characteristics. Some really interesting studies have shown that the chemical composition in the aromas emanating from beer are nearly identical to the chemical composition in the traces coming off of those fruits [or spices, etc] people think they’re smelling. So, yes, they’re in there.
Beyond cutting out visual distractions, does being blind really heighten your other senses? Is your visual cortex rewired for other uses? Do you have super senses?
People love to fetishize intoxicants and wax poetic about them. Which intoxicant actually has the most dynamic flavors: beer, wine, coffee, cigars, or weed?
I don’t think my senses are any better. But sight is one of the most inefficient senses from a brain power perspective. First your brain has to flip the the image over. Then your mind has to [from here Hoby goes into some complicated cognitive science that I couldn’t keep up with, but which sounded pretty damn convincing, basically bashing on sight as our go to sense]. Your ears, though, for instance, are a lot more primordial. Your ears vibrate and your mind detects things basically immediately..
No comment on the last one (laughing). That’s a funny question. I would say beer and wine.
This is going to be in our Valentine’s Day issue: do you mind if I ask if being blind gives you any advantages in... le bedroom?
Your colleague, Chris, who I was sat next to by chance, said that you even do that passionate food describing thing (“I’m picking up on notes of…”) when you guys go out to junk food. Are there other things? Are you picking up notes and undertones all over the place?
(laughing) Well, everything is just experience. I... People should focus more on what they feel, I think. In general, whether it’s sensual... whatever it is. The sense of feeling, the sense of touch. Stop looking so much.
Yeah! You gotta pay close attention. I’ve learned to listen to my nose. It’s a very important sense. You gotta really pay attention to what it’s telling you. Pay attention to every sense.
Definitely. Don’t know when, but definitely.
Will you guys do this again?
Thanks Hoby, you’re the coolest.
F R U GA L TERRA N
Frugal in February 28 DAYS LIGHTER February is a great time to try a fast or an audacious goal, like “save an extra $10 this month.” Sure, some people give up something they enjoy (fish, beer, Netflix, etc.) for the 40 days of Lent, while others give up eating while the sun is shining during the 30 days of Ramadan, but for my money, February is the perfect time to try something new and/or fail miserably at it. If you’ve already dropped your New Year’s Resolution, you’ll feel shame for the whole year—but with February, the pain will be over before you even notice it. (As you’ll be reading this after February has begun, the experiment should be even easier to complete/attempt.) As a loyal reader, you’ve certainly established a budget and are tracking your spending, so you probably know your pain points—the things you hesitate to give up; the wants that feel like needs. You probably have a few, so pick one—the others will help you survive the month. It might be your ritual Dutch/bucks coffee every Saturday, or your weekly/monthly night out at one of Chico’s wonderful and varied dining and drinking establishments. Perhaps you’re an app-addict, or spend a few bucks downloading today’s greatest song or show. You might try going vegetarian for the month, or just cutting out the ever expensive red meat. You might try your audacious goal in the reverse—instead of fasting from something, you might try something financially neutral or even finance positive; your goal might be “earn an extra $10 bucks this month.” Maybe offer to tutor a classmate who is struggling—
you can charge basically nothing (as it’ll help your studying as well) and could make a new friend. Or try selling something on Craig’s bay—it’s super easy. I put up a bunch of things one day, and for the next month, I’d occasionally get an email asking to buy one of them. It was nice to earn a few extra bucks, and I didn’t have to think about the ad beyond the first day I posted it. If your neighbors throw their usual party, you could collect their recycling and return them—bare minimum, stale beer smells won’t waft into your yard. Here’s another idea: try donating blood—you won’t get paid in money, but you’ll score some free snacks, and can earn a t-shirt, free movie ticket, or other cool stuff via “points” for repeated donations. Volunteering in other ways might serve your purposes too—you could gain a free meal, access to a concert or play, new skills, better health, or new friends. Of course, setting a goal like saving/earning a few bucks in February is intended as a small step. It’s essentially a means to fool yourself into trying just a little bit harder in some area, with the ultimate realization that you’re capable of significantly more than what you’re currently doing. Setting the bar low makes it easy to succeed (unless you’re in a limbo contest.)
LIFE IN CHICO Do you like Life in Chico? So do we! -“Like” Life in Chico, CA facebook.com/ChicoCA
by TRIP HAZARD FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO
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CASH! CASH! CASH! We pay cash for your recyclables!! CRV ALUMINUM CANS $2.00/Pound E-WAStE! We pay 5¢ per pound for TV’s , Computers, Monitors and Laptops!! And, as a courtesy to our customers, we’ll accept all other consumer electronics, such as fax machines, printers, VHS players, etc. as a drop-off, with no payments* * Some restrictions may apply Call for more information on getting cash for other recyclable materials.
2565 S. Whitman Place, Chico (Corner of East Park Avenue and S. Whitman Place) 343-5500
by logan kruidenier logankruidenier.tumblr.com
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SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM
FEB 9 2015
February 9, 2015 By Koz McKev ARIES
TAURUS
GEMINI
CANCER
LEO
VIRGO
We learn how to reach our potential this week. We see the value of making good karma. Begin by helping people who are isolated. Relationship issues, letting go, and trusting your intuition are part of this week’s theme. Your sense of adventure is strong on Thursday and Friday. Mercury going direct on Wednesday brings better ideas for dealing with the future. The weekend looks good for focusing on your talents and skills. You’re likely to be in the public eye as the party never ends. Learn to honor your friends in small but meaningful ways.
This is still a week where career opportunities are presenting themselves. Mercury goes direct on the 11th. You are now able to resolve issues concerning public image, career status, and being able to display your talents and skills. Venus continues to activate your eleventh house of socializing and helpful friends. Your plans for the future are important. Seek the people and places that you want to see. The weekend looks good for retreats, travel, education, and exotic experiences. Realize that you are luckier than usual. Invest that good fortune in a higher cause.
The first part of the week will be about organization and resolve. On the morning of Wednesday the 11th you’ll wake up to Mercury going direct. You’ll be able to process advanced information. Partnership, romance, and diplomacy will be strong. Plans that were kept in the background will begin to move forward. Travel, good fortune and the aspiration to live by a higher vibration is following you. Accept your ability to overcome darkness with light.
A good imagination and an artistic spirit go together. You feel a sense of love as the week begins. The essence of the week feels like change. Issues that are beyond your control may finally feel like they’re getting resolved. Be forgiving and open. Don’t hang-on to grudges. Whoever you don’t forgive controls you. Mercury goes direct on the 11th. Some improvements are coming. Stay positive and keep the faith. Be thankful for what you have. The weekend looks good for romance, diplomacy, and signing contracts.
Leo and Aquarius have similar traits: Both are capable of good leadership. Both have strong wills and lean slightly towards the “know it all syndrome.” Aquarius rules your partnership house. You tend to be warm, but attract partners that are aloof. Passions should be flying in your relationship. Thursday through Saturday morning looks especially fun. Be patient and let go of being in control. This too shall pass. Use the rest of the weekend to make up for lost sleep. Take care of practical matters such as bills and getting organized.
Do what you can to maintain your good health. Mercury going direct on the 11th brings new opportunities for your services. Do whatever it takes to be a good team player. View happiness as part of doing what you love. Having Venus, Mars, Neptune, and Chiron in your seventh house is sure to bring up relationship issues. The weekend looks good for travel, creative expression, and having some playtime. You have what it takes to be a better lover, a better negotiator, and a better partner. Don’t worry about being wrong. Remain confident in your sense of purpose.
LIBRA
SCORPIO
SAGITTARIUS
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
The moon will be in Libra most of Monday. Although the moon is void of course, you move through the day with a sense of harmony and ease. As I said to Virgo, it’s important that you love what you do. Mercury going direct will allow more flow in your creative life. There’s a chance you’ll improve your economic situation. Watch your health. You are what you eat. The weekend looks good for visiting parents or staying close to home. If you’re feeling hyper-sensitive make space for yourself to be alone and nurture your feelings.
Any good plan deserves a good foundation to be based upon. Work on the things that feel right to you. The moon will be in Scorpio late Monday night through Wednesday. Your best ideas begin to move forward on Wednesday. During the rest of the week you’ll be making money, gathering information, and perhaps finding a new song to sing. Creative projects need constant attention. Be more aware of the healing ways of love. The more you give, the greater your capacity to receive is. Forgiveness is essential for moving on.
Jupiter continues to move retrograde. Ask yourself: “what does real wisdom impart?” Why do people seem slowed down from developing a conscience? The moon will be in Sagittarius Thursday morning through early afternoon Saturday. This is a good time to practice writing, communicating, and gathering information. Physical activity is good for the soul. Being out in nature aids in obtaining peace of mind. The weekend looks good for making meals, making money, and singing songs.
Fulfilling the goals that match your values is part of this week’s scenario. Finishing the job in order to enjoy the right kind of manifestation is what this week is all about. Make a good impression on Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday are good for socializing and for making future plans. Mercury going direct on the 11th could help you financially. Be aware of the needs of those around you, neighbors, friends, siblings and homeless people. The moon will be in Capricorn Saturday afternoon and Sunday. You are the change that you want to see.
Another week of renewal is on hand. This is a good time to honor the people in your social life. This is also a good time to find ways to increase your income. Be conscious about honoring your good ideas. Manifestation often requires a push. Let the universe know that you are serious and mean business. Focus on performance early in the week. As the week progresses get in touch with your helpful friends. The weekend will be best for resting, completing projects, and doing things to benefit those less fortunate than you.
There is no quick fix when you are in the midst of a crisis. Take this opportunity to seek solutions. You still have the leadership ability to impress and guide those that need help. Tuesday and Wednesday are your luckiest days this week. You’ll learn to be better in your field. Don’t be surprised if you have more responsibilities on Thursday and Friday. Be confident and act with beauty and integrity. The weekend looks good for socializing, throwing parties and preparing for the future. Pay attention to messages in dreams.
Koz McKev is on YouTube, on cable 11 BCTV and is heard on 90.1FM KZFR Chico. Also available by appointment for personal horoscopes call (530)891-5147 or e-mail kozmickev@sunset.net
FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO
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F R O M THE EDGE
Movement
There’s a movement in Chico to elect Silly Council members by district, instead of atlarge. Chico’s mayor would be elected at-large by all eligible voters, rather than by council members, which is completely silly. As it is, being mayor of Chico just means it’s your turn, not that voters wanted you in the job. By-district council members and an at-large mayor. Two good ideas.
don’t suppose it had been a secret.
I’ve complained before that the way we do things now gets us mostly bland people, not at all who we need. There are good reasons to change our system of doing things, including giving minorities a better chance to be elected and enabling an independent candidate to run a viable campaign without sucking up to a major party so as to be part of its slate.
There was some talk about ethnic diversity and Chico government’s lack of it. It seems that the California Voting Rights Act of 2002 requires rather more diversity than we’ve got, and if the city is called on the carpet for being too homogeneous it’ll be expensive, if not especially embarrassing. One old woman was incensed at the implication that Chico could be racist, but I think she’s often incensed about something or other, and of course Chico is as racist as a lot of places in the U.S. and far more than many others.
The meeting I attended at the Butte County Library on First Avenue got a good turnout, and I learned a few things. The presenters said that Chico is about 70 percent white, only three people who aren’t white have run for the council, and only Dan Nguyen Tan won. Randall Stone, currently a Silly Council member, announced that he counts as a minority too, because he’s 50 percent Hispanic. I say “announced” because I had no idea that he was anything other than plain white, although I
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The presenters also expect such a change in process to make elections cheaper for candidates, which I think will help people who aren’t affluent to run for the council, and at the same time likely piss off the hardcore capitalists, since expensive elections are great if you can raise the cash, and they can.
I’d like to see more ethnic diversity on the council, mostly on principle, since ethnic origin doesn’t mean all that much to me, and thinking that ethnicity is a person’s most important characteristic is the essence of racism. I’ve not tracked any Silly Council member’s voting record, but I bet Stone’s decisions haven’t been
particularly Hispanic, whatever the hell that might look like. There are a lot of things deplorable about Chicago’s voting by ward for its city council, although the awfulness is not so much because of the system as because of the greedy lowlifes who run it. Nonetheless, when something’s off in your neighborhood you know whom to call, you know who’s at least pretending to represent you. When the giant pothole appears in front of your house, you call the precinct captain, who reports to the ward committeeman, who reports to the alderman. Simple and effective. If you live in Chico, every council member represents all voters, which is the same as nobody representing anybody. I’m much more concerned about the complete lack of economic diversity in city government. I want people on the council who care about poor people because they are poor and know what it’s like, not just because they feel sorry for us.
by ANTHONY PEYTON PORTER A@anthonypeytonporter.com