Chapters 1 through 3

When There Are No Tomorrows Š 2013 by Teresa D. Patterson All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means including electronic, mechanical or photocopying or stored in a retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages to be included in a review.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, placed and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Chapter One

I

can’t take this. I can’t take it anymore,” my father yelled at my mother. At the time, I was four years old and listening to every word.

They argued all the time, so I was used to hearing angry words tossed back and forth. This time, something struck me as different because Dad was doing all of the yelling instead of Mom. “Every day I get off work to come home to…this.”

He waved his hands around the room for emphasis. “A dirty house, a nagging wife, and a crying kid. I just can’t go on like this. I- I can’t live with you and the kid anymore.” With those last words, he disappeared from our lives and I never saw him again.

Mom drastically changed after Dad left. She used to dress up, put on makeup and fix her hair in pretty styles. Now, she’d drink, walk around wearing the same dingy housecoat and an aura of depression. She rarely cleaned up or did the laundry. I didn’t like the new mom because she’d glare at me with pure hatred in her eyes.

The new mom also yelled, screamed and even struck out. She would punish me severely for the slightest things that I did. It never took much to anger her.

I waited for Dad to come back. Every day, I’d post up in the window and look to see if he’d come walking up the sidewalk like he used to.

The days turned into weeks and soon the weeks became months. Still, Dad never returned. My

heart ached constantly for him. I even prayed to God to send him home, but he never showed up. *** “He isn’t coming back, so you can just stop looking and hoping,” my mother spat when she caught me staring out the window again. I’d done it every day since Dad left. Somehow, I thought that if I wished hard enough, he would appear. “It’s your fault, you know?” she hissed, pointing a condemning finger at me. “He wouldn’t have left if you didn’t cry and whine so much. Your father left because of you. Do you hear me?” She had that wild look in her eyes that I had become accustomed to. I feared it and her. I left the window and ran to hide.

Life settled into a pattern. Mom got over her depression and began to dress up again.

However, the new clothes weren’t like the nice, pretty dresses she used to wear for Daddy. She packed up what she called the “old maid” outfits and filled her closet with mini-skirts, tight sweaters and shirts that show off her cleavage.

She had shoes with six-inch heels and silk stockings with lines down the back. She’d get all dolled up and leave me at home alone at night when she thought I was asleep.

It wasn’t long before she began bringing home different male friends. None of them stuck around, and each time one left for good, she’d take out her anger on me. She’d blame me for running them off. She’d beat me and accuse me

of being a whining brat. She told me that I was a jinx. After a while, I began to believe her.

One day she came home from wherever she’d disappeared to very happy.

“Beth, come here. I want you to meet someone.” Reluctantly, I walked into the living room, but I didn’t go to her. I never knew when she’d suddenly strike out, so I didn’t want to take any chances. “Beth, honey, what’s wrong?

Mommy’s not going to punish you. Please come here,” she pleaded. “I want you to meet your new daddy.” I lingered in the doorway.

“Scary little kid,” the guy standing next to her muttered. “What’s her problem?” I gazed at him with wide eyes. He looked normal enough, not like the drunks that she usually hooked up with. He caught me staring and smiled.

“She’s just being shy,” my mother explained.

“What’s your name, little girl?” he asked, still smiling at me.

“Elizabeth,” I whispered and looked down at my feet.

“My name’s Jake. Get used to seeing me, kid.

I’ll be around for quite some time. Your mom and I just tied the knot.” He turned toward my mother. “How old is she, babe?”

“Five or six,” she answered. “I forget.”

“Cute kid,” he said. His eyes traveled over me. “Real cute.”

They went into my mother’s room after the introductions. I waited and waited for Mom to come out and cook supper. It got later without any signs of her appearing. Hunger pains drove

me into the kitchen. By using a chair I could reach the peanut butter. I retrieved the jelly from the refrigerator and made myself a sandwich, trying to be careful not to spill anything. Mom would definitely get angry if I left a mess. She’d begin cleaning up again and demanded that I let the place stay clean.

I ate my sandwich and turned on the TV. I wanted to go outside, but I knew I’d get into trouble if I didn’t ask first. The last time I went outside without permission, Mom hit me with one of her high-heeled shoes. It left a big knot right in the center of my skull. Mom insisted that I kept it covered with my hair and didn’t mention it to anyone.

What is mom doing? I thought. Why did she say Jake was my new Daddy? I wanted my old daddy. With that thought on my mind, I fell asleep on the couch. *** “Beth.” Mom’s angry voice startled me awake. “Beth, how many times have I told you not to spill things?” My teeth chattered when I stared into her angry face. “Come here. Now.” She practically dragged me off the couch. “Look.”

She pointed to the jelly on the floor that I must have missed. “Why do you have to make a big mess? You’re such a freaking pig.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Sorry. You’re sorry? Is that all you have to say, you little brat?” she yelled, raising her hand to strike me.

“Leave the kid alone,” Jake’s strong voice called out. He appeared like a knight in shining armor. “Just make her clean it up. God, you’d think she’d committed a felony.”

“I ought to smack her. That’ll teach her a lesson,” Mom snapped. She didn’t though. Her hand dropped back to her side.

“Leave her alone. She’s just a kid.” Jake defended me again.

Mom glared at me. “Fucking brat. Clean up this shit.” She turned to Jake. “I’m not going to hit her. I promise.” She walked over to him and they embraced. I witnessed them kiss so long that I couldn’t understand how either of them could breathe. Jake’s hand traveled to mom’s butt. “Wait,” she told him playfully, giggling.

“Beth is watching us, Jake. Stop. Go wait for me in the bedroom. I’ll be right there.” She gave him a wink. Jake chuckled and left the room. As soon as he was gone, she grabbed a handful of my hair. “Don’t ever do it again,” she hissed and yanked so hard that tears sprung to my eyes.

“And you’d better not give Jake any problems.

Do you understand? You’d better do everything he tells you to do or else. Got it?”

“Y-yes,” I stammered. She let go of my hair, got a six-pack of beer from the refrigerator and followed Jake into the bedroom.

Chapter Two

B

eth, come out. It’s okay now. Your mom isn’t here,” Jake coaxed, holding out his hand toward me. I shrank away. “Beth, sweetheart, I’m not going to hurt you. Come out.” I stepped from the closet. “God. How- how could she?” He stared in horror at the bruises covering my body. “It’s going to stop. What kind of person could do this to her own child?” he asked himself. He took my hand in his. “It won’t happen again. I promise you. Beth, you can trust me. I won’t let April hurt you ever again.”

I heard them yelling at each other, later, after mom returned home.

“Every time I come home from work, I find out that you’ve done something to Beth. What’s the matter with you? What could she possibly have done to deserve being beat black and blue like that?”

“She’s my kid. I’ll do whatever I want with her.”

“I refuse to let you torture her. I won’t stand by and let it happen. April, she’s only six years old, for Christ’s sake. What are you going to do when someone at the school takes notice of the bruises, huh? You want Children & Family Services poking around in your life, because they will? They’ll take that kid from you. You know what, forgot about them. I want you to just stop it,” Jake said. “If you don’t, you’ll regret it.”

“W- what are you saying to me, Jake?” Her

voice held a trace of fear. “You’re not going to leave me, are you?” He didn’t answer right away.

When he spoke again, his voice held firmness.

“Just stop beating the kid, April. Okay?” He stalked from the room and I heard their bedroom door slam.

My life changed again, but this time for the better. I didn’t have to live in constant fear anymore. After their heated argument, Mom basically ignored me. It hurt, but it sure beat being knocked around, locked in closets, or smacked about.

Since mom didn’t care one way or another, Jake made sure that I was fed and had clean clothes to wear. He even bought me some new stuff to wear to school. Without mom’s knowledge, he gave me a doll.

“Just make sure April doesn’t see this, kiddo. Okay?” I nodded and took the toy with eagerness. Mom never bought me anything, especially not toys. “Take care of it.”

“I will,” I promised.” And I did. That doll became my best friend. *** Being the smallest and quietest kid in my fifth grade class, the other kids basically ignored me. They didn’t bother being friendly either. The teacher treated me like an invisible person unless I didn’t hand in an assignment. Naturally a smart kid, I didn’t have to ask too many questions. I made straight A’s because basically all I did was study. Before I knew it, elementary

school ended and it was time to attend middle school. That’s when the problems started.

My hormones caught up with me and I began to develop. My body filled out overnight it seemed. People noticed the changes, boys in particular. These changes made me withdraw even further into my shell. I felt ashamed when the boys gawked at my breasts. I’d also hear the girls whispering and I knew they were gossiping about me.

During second period, I got the hall pass and went to the bathroom. Before I could flush the toilet, I heard some other girls enter. They stopped in front of the mirrors and I watched their shoes as I sat there.

“How do you think some girls get their tits to grow so big?” Molly Griffin asked Tiffany Ferguson. They hadn’t checked to see if anyone was in the bathroom stalls who could overhear them. If I flushed the toilet and came out, they’d think I’d been eavesdropping. I decided to wait.

“I don’t know. My mom says they grow like that if you let boys touch you,” Tiffany replied.

“Elizabeth’s are huge.” I put my hand over my mouth to stifle the gasp. They were talking about me. “Do you think she lets boys touch her? She barely talks to anyone.”

“I don’t know. She must. Why else would her, you know- be so big?”

“I don’t know either. It’s disgusting to think she’d let some boy- Oh, I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Molly squealed. “It’s almost time for the bell to ring for third period anyway.

Let’s go.” They left and I stepped from the stall, my face flaming.

I felt so uncomfortable when I went back to class. After trying to concentrate for several minutes I just gave up and asked permission to leave.

“Are you feeling ill?” the teacher questioned.

“Y-yes,” I stuttered. I didn’t even wait for her to write an excuse, I just turned and fled, heading for the office.

At home I curled up with Jenny, my doll, and cried. I felt so confused. I didn’t know why my body had changed. My mother had never taken the time out to tell me about puberty. I had no idea what was happening to me. When she came home later, I tried to approach the subject.

“M- mom. I have- a- p-problem,” I stammered.

“Don’t we all, kid?” she snarled.

“I m-mean with my- my- you know.” I looked down at the floor, totally embarrassed.

“What’s wrong? Did you start your cycle?

How old are you anyway? Eleven- twelve? Yeah, it’s around that time. Did you get your period?”

“No. W-what’s that?” I asked.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake.” She left the room and returned with some pamphlets that she tossed at me. “Read up on it. That’s all I can tell you, kid.” She finally looked at me. “If it’s not your period, then what is it?”

“M-my chest,” I said.

She threw back her head and laughed. I felt like crying from the humiliation.

“Oh, is that all? God, you’d think the world was coming to an end. I’ll get Jake to bring you some bras home. I’ll call him at work.” She gazed at my chest, increasing my embarrassment.

“Welcome to womanhood.”

At least she had the decency to show me how to put the bra on. For a minute, I dreaded that Jake would have to do that, too. When he arrived with the training bras, he gave me a long, appraising look.

“Beth, this is not good. You’re growing up way too fast,” he said.

“She can’t stay a kid forever, Jake. You know, those,” she pointed to my chest, “are going to be some man’s greatest prize one day.”

They cracked up like it was the funniest joke ever told.

“Are you going to show her how to wear the damn things?” Jake asked.

“Oh. All right. Damn, how hard can it be to put on a training bra? Come on Beth.”

In the bathroom, she showed me how to put it on backwards, fasten it then turn it around.

My face turned beet red through the entire ordeal. “Kid, you’ve got a lot to learn. Just read those pamphlets and you’ll do just fine,” she said and left me alone.

When I came out the bathroom, wearing my first training bra, there stood Jake. He had such a strange look in his eyes. He just stared at me, saying nothing.

Once I started wearing a bra, my breasts weren’t as noticeable. I didn’t get as many stares

because around that time other girls began to fill out too. Since those girls were more popular and outgoing, the boys turned their attention to them. It suited me just fine.

Jake would often assess me with his eyes when he thought I didn’t notice. He had been behaving different since he’d purchased the bras for me. One day I accidentally brushed against him on my way to the kitchen.

“Beth, be more careful,” he exploded.

“I- I’m sorry.” I shrank away, thinking that he would hit me because I’d made a mistake.

“I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m sorry,” he immediately apologized. “It’s just that you’re becoming a young woman now. You can’t brush up against me like that. It does things to me.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized again. “I- I won’t do it anymore.” He kept staring at me until I got an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“I- I have to go do my homework,” I said softly. I ducked my head and left the room.

About a week later, while I was in my room working on homework, Jake tapped on the door.

Since it wasn’t locked he walked right in. I was lying on the bed with my work spread out in front of me.

“Beth, how are things?” he asked.

“Like, what do you mean?”

“You know, are you still having problems with the boys bothering you about your breasts?” His bold question caused me to blush.

I wasn’t sure if I should discuss things like that with him. My mom must have told him what had

been going on.

“I- I’m fine. No one says much anymore,” I answered, keeping my eyes on my piece of notebook paper.

“You really are pretty. Soon, the boys will be all over you. Just like your mother said, you can’t stay a kid forever,” he said in a low tone.

He came closer to my bed. “That’s why you need me to teach you the ropes. Then it won’t come as a surprise.”

“I- I have to finish this homework,” I told him, glancing at his face. The look in his eyes and his peculiar behavior made me nervous.

“Beth, I’d never hurt you, sweetheart.

Haven’t I always been around for you? Didn’t I protect you from your mom?” I nodded. He spoke the truth. Since finding me in the closet covered in bruises, he’d put a stop to mom’s abuse. He’d threatened to leave her, saying he refused to remain married to a child abuser.

Mom, so afraid of being deserted yet again, succumbed to Jake’s wishes. She hadn’t lifted a finger to hurt me since that day. “You owe me for all the years of protection. Let’s see, you were six and now you’re twelve. That’s six years worth of repayment.”

“I don’t understand,” I told him, swallowing nervously. I figured that stepfather’s were supposed to protect their stepchildren. Now here Jake stood telling me differently. I owed him something. I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was though. I sat up on the bed.

“Come here,” he told me. I hesitated. “I’m not

going to hurt you.” Instead of waiting for me to comply, he came over and pulled me up. He pressed my body against his. I’d seen him do the same thing to my mother. I knew I should push him off of me, but I just remained still. He moved his lower body against me. When he placed his hands on my butt I got scared and I tried to pull away.

“J- Jake no. I don’t like that,” I said.

“Beth, don’t fight me. Just be still,” he commanded in a sharp tone. I stopped resisting.

What if he told my mother? She’d attack me for sure. She’d told me so many times not to aggravate or upset Jake. I remembered what she’d said the first day he’d arrived.

“You’d better do everything he tells you to do or else. Got it?”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized.

“It’s okay, baby. Just let me hold you. That’s all I want to do.” He gripped my butt again and increased his movements against me. His breath came in hot gasps against my neck. After several moments he groaned, pulled my face to his, and kissed me. I didn’t like it. I’d never been kissed before; it felt wrong for my stepfather to be the first male to kiss me.

Ten minutes passed as he held me. He stroked my hair and whispered in my ear. He told me how beautiful I was. I didn’t move an inch even though I felt I should. However, I kept remembering Mom’s warning.

The front door slammed shut causing Jake to jump. He pushed me away from him.

“Don’t tell April that I came into your room,” he rasped. I hadn’t planned on telling her anyway. I knew without a doubt that she’d blame me. Even though she hadn’t physically abused me in years, she wasn’t exactly the world’s most wonderful mother. Plus, I remembered all of those times that she had hit me. I remembered being shut in the dark closet for days without food or a bath. I’d never forget the fear and that kept me silent.

Later that night Jake returned to my bedroom. The only light shone in from the streetlight outside my window. I pretended to be asleep.

“Beth, are you awake?” he asked. I froze as he sat on the bed. “Beth?” He placed his hand on my shoulder and I began to tremble. “Look at me, Beth.” I turned to face him. “What happened today is between you and me. Okay?” I nodded.

“No one must know. If you tell anyone, they’ll send you away. Do you want that to happen?” I shook my head and pulled the sheet up and around me. It didn’t go unnoticed by Jake.

“Don’t try to hide from me. Didn’t I tell you that I wouldn’t hurt you?” He held me by the shoulders. “Don’t you believe me?” I remained silent. “Answer me.”

“N- no,” I said and shivered.

“I thought you trusted me.” A hurt expression settled over his face. “Didn’t I keep April from beating you for the last six years?

Huh? If I wouldn’t let her hurt you, why should I?” He touched my hair and twirled some around

his index finger. “I’ve been the nicest person you’ve known all your life. I’ll be even nicer if you let me.” He leaned closer and kissed me. It wasn’t rough like the first time. But, I still didn’t like it. “I’m the only one who loves you, Beth. Do you want me to stop loving you?”

“No.” “Then don’t try to push me away.” I trembled when his hands reached under my nightgown and touched my bare breasts. “Do you understand?”

“Yes.” “Good. Good.” He lifted my gown all the way up and lowered his head. He took one of my barely developed breasts into his mouth. The terror rushed through me as he went lower. I felt his hot breath on my private area. The fear almost paralyzed me. His mouth and tongue touched me down there. He had no business doing those things to me. He soon replaced his tongue with his fingers. When he tried to insert his finger inside me, I could no longer just lay there.

“Ouch. J-Jake, n-no.” I scrambled from under him and leapt from the bed.

“Beth, come back,” he demanded.

I grabbed my gown and ran from the room. I shut myself in the bathroom until I felt sufficient enough time had passed. I returned back to my room and locked the door. I crawled into bed, clutching my doll, Jenny, to me. I lay there most of the night, eyes wide and unblinking with fear.

The next morning I woke up late. Knowing

that mom expected breakfast to be ready, I hurried into the kitchen.

“Well, you finally decided to get up,” she snapped.

“I overslept.”

“That’s obvious,” she said sarcastically.

“I’ll start breakfast right away,” I told her, feeling anxious.

“Never mind. I’ll grab something on the way.

I’m already late as it is.” She slammed her coffee mug on the table, glared at me then left the room. Jake entered.

“Good morning, Beth.” He came up behind me while I stood at the stove and kissed me on the back of my neck. I moved away. “About last night- let’s make it our little secret. Remember, no one must know,” he said.

“No one must know what?” Mom came back into the room. She stared at us with a suspicious look on her face.

“April,” Jake said quickly. “You weren’t supposed to hear. We wanted it to be a surprise,” he lied.

“A surprise? Oh?” Her whole attitude changed. “What kind of a surprise?”

“April, we can’t tell you. That would spoil it.

Right Beth?” I just nodded and said nothing.

“Can I get a hint?” Mom asked.

“No. No. No,” he teasingly said. “Aren’t you late for work?”

“Oh, hell yes, I’m late. We’ll talk about this later, sugar.” She kissed him and his hands moved to her hips. I turned away. My face

burned with shame as I remembered how he’d touched me the same way the night before. “See you later,” Mom tossed over her shoulder as she hurried out. “Remember to obey Jake,” she added.

When the door closed, Jake immediately turned to me.

“We have the house to ourselves for the rest of the day. Let’s find something to get into.”

“Jake, I have to go to school.”

“It’s Saturday, Beth. You have nothing to do.

You know it and I know it,” he said.

“I- I have to finish cooking breakfast.”

Jake reached past me and switched off the stove.

“It can wait.” He turned me around to face him. “Remember? “Obey Jake,” he reminded, mimicking my mom. “Why did you run from me last night?”

“I was scared,” I answered.

“Didn’t I tell you I wouldn’t hurt you?” He kissed me and I shivered. “I will never hurt you, sweetheart. Don’t you know that by now?” His eyes bore into mine. “Tell me you believe me.” I hesitated. “Come on, say it.”

“I believe you.”

“Okay. Good. Come with me.” He grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom. “Remember what I did to you last night? What I did with my mouth? I want you to do that to me. It won’t hurt at all. I promise.” He unzipped his pants, pulled them down and sat on the bed. “Kneel down between my legs,” he instructed and I did.

He pulled his penis from his underwear. I had only seen something like it in diagrams at school. It was funny looking. As I looked at it, it grew. I got scared and backed up.

“Beth, don’t move,” Jake said in a harsh tone. “Just relax and take me in your mouth.”

He pushed that horrid thing at my face.

“No.” I pulled back again. He snatched my head forward and held it still. He guided the stiff piece of skin into my mouth. He kept pushing it in and out until I gagged. He kept going faster and faster, slamming it to the back of my throat, almost choking me. Then he arched his back, groaned. I felt something hot and sticky shoot forth into my mouth. My stomach churned.

“Oh Beth,” he moaned, shooting out more and more of the sticky stuff. I snatched away.

“I- I have to throw up,” I managed to say and dashed from the room.

Jake found me still heaving when he walked into the bathroom minutes later.

“You’ll be okay. It takes some getting used to. Your mother still screws it up and she’s being doing it for years,” he said, chuckling. He reached down and caressed my hair. “You and I are going to do so much together. I’m going to teach you a lot of things. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I got up and went to wash my face at the sink. “Wouldn’t you?” he repeated, but I didn’t answer. Jake took me into his arms and rocked me. “You made me so happy. Do you know that?” I shook my head. “Yes, Beth. You make me so happy. I want to make you happy

too. It’s going to take a little time, but soon you’ll be enjoying our special times together too.”

“I- I don’t think so,” I said and he chuckled.

“Of course you will, sweetheart. You’ll see.”

A week later, Jake came into my room again.

He removed my gown and touched me with his mouth. He instructed me stroke his penis. He placed it in my mouth and turned me around so that he was able to put his mouth on my private too. When he finished doing that he held me close.

“I want you so bad,” he whispered. I had no idea what he meant.

I felt his penis grow harder against my thigh.

He guided it toward me again. Suddenly, a loud noise resounded through the house.

“Shh,” he warned and placed his fingers to my lips. “Get your gown on. Hurry.” I did. He quickly pulled his pajamas back on. He got up and went to crack the door and peered out. He glanced back at me, touched his finger to his lips then slipped from my room.

Seconds later Mom entered. I pretended to be asleep and watched her through half-closed lids. She gazed around the room, stared at me then left.

I turned over and tried to sleep, but couldn’t stop thinking about the things Jake had made me do. I felt ashamed and dirty. I turned on the lamp and grabbed my doll, Jenny. Her eyes stared at me. They seemed to accuse me of something hideous.

“I hate you,” I hissed. “I hate you.” I yanked her hair and pulled her head off. She hit the wall after I threw her across the room.

Chapter Three

S

o, that’s how it all began, the little secret between Jake and me. So young and naïve, I didn’t know that Jake’s actions were wrong. I really thought that he loved me. After all, he never really hurt me, at least not at first.

Even though Jake told me I was getting better at it, I still didn’t feel right about it. I’d learned from conversations in the girl’s bathroom, that it was called oral sex. The girls that had been talking said it was disgusting. I didn’t understand because Jake told me that it was a perfectly normal thing to do. I couldn’t imagine why he’d make me do something that was considered disgusting. The way those girls had been carrying on, Jake must have lied to me.

Now that I knew what oral sex was, it became clear to me what I had to do. I could tell no one. If I did, they’d think I was a horrible person. Some of the girls at school already had reputations for sleeping around. They thought oral sex was a cool thing to do, but everybody called them bad names like “slut” and “whore.” I didn’t want anyone calling me that.

The guilt of being forced to keep such a secret tore at my insides. My grades suffered and I withdrew even further into

my shell. Visions of Jake constantly plagued me, making it difficult to concentrate on my schoolwork.

One of my teachers caught on that something was bothering me. She asked me to remain after class one afternoon.

“Elizabeth, is there something wrong?

You’ve never failed a test before and your assignments are not your best work. Your A average is in jeopardy. Is there anything going on that you’d like to discuss?” she asked.

I stared into her concerned face as she waited for an answer. I almost blurted out my secret, but caught myself in time. Jake had drummed it into my head never to tell anyone. He’d stressed the fact that I’d be sent away to a place where they’d lock me up. He’d said they’d do terrible things to me; so terrible that I’d wish I’d never been born. I didn’t want to get sent away so I could never tell a soul.

“N-no, everything is fine,” I finally answered. A lie popped into my head. “I’ve just lost a close relative and I haven’t been concentrating on school much.” That seemed safe. Death always caused people to behave differently.

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, her expression now sympathetic.

“I’ll bring my grades back up. I just need some time,” I said.

“I understand, dear. Losing someone

you’ve loved is very hard to deal with. You just let me know if you ever want to talk.

Okay?”

“I will,” I lied, knowing that I’d never tell her anything. I couldn’t betray Jake.

When I got home that evening I saw that Jake had bought me a colored television for my room. It had been two months since our secret began. I stared at the television in disbelief.

“I-is it r-really mine?” I asked.

“Yes, Beth. It’s yours,” Jake said. My mom frowned in disapproval.

“She doesn’t deserve a TV. Why waste good money?” she snapped.

“April, don’t start with the criticizing.

You’re always on her ass. Give her a break. She’s a good kid. At least she’s not out their running in the streets, drinking or using drugs. You should be proud of her. Try giving her a word of praise sometime. She deserves this TV and so much more.” Mom clasped her lips shut tightly and glared at me.

“Beth. Clean up this damn place.

You’d think we lived in a pigsty,” she snapped and flounced off.

I started to pick up the broom.

“Leave it, sweetheart. Your mother’s being a bitch, as usual. Take your TV to your room,” Jake told me.

“T-thank you, Jake,” I said shyly.

“Anything for you, princess,” he said lowly.

I blushed and picked up the set. “Ccan I watch it?” I asked.

“Sure.” He laughed. “It’s yours.” He lowered his voice. “I have another special present for you. I’ll give it to you later,” he whispered. “Go on to your room.”

Around 2 AM Jake came into my bedroom. “Beth, are you asleep?” he asked quietly.

“No.” “Good.” He slipped under the sheet with me and pulled me close. “Oh, you feel so good,” he breathed. “Do you like the TV?” “Yes.” “Good. I have something else for you.

Here.” He gave me a gold bracelet that looked expensive. “Well, what do you think?”

“It-it’s beautiful,” I exclaimed.

“I knew you’d like it, princess.” He began to stroke my hair. “There’ll be other gifts. You’re precious to me. Did you know that?” He gazed into my eyes as he spoke.

“Yes, you’re very special to me, Beth.

Come lie in my arms.” I did. His hands touched me in different places. “Do you love me, Beth?” he asked, catching me by surprise. I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say, so I told him that I did. “Show me

how much.” He breathed heavily as he caressed me down there.

I knew what Jake wanted me to do. I scooted lower on the bed and grasped his penis in my hands. “Ohh,” he groaned.

“Go on, Beth. Show me.” I put the head of it in my mouth and bobbed up and down the way he’d shown me. He rotated his hips. “Oh Beth, I need you so much.” I stopped and stared at him.

“W-what do you mean?”

“I want you. I need to get inside you,” he said huskily. “Lie back on the bed,” he instructed. When I did that he settled over me. “Open your legs.” Fear gripped me. I squeezed my legs together tightly. “Beth, do it.”

“No,” I protested.

“Beth.”

“I don’t want to Jake. I’m scared.” I tried to get away, but he pulled me back down. He pinned my body under his.

“I’m not going to hurt you. Do as I say, Beth.” His tone made me panic. I struggled to get free. He gripped my thighs and forced them apart with his knees. “Let’s get the hard part over,” he said. Then he pushed himself into me. I wanted to scream from the pain, but he placed a hand over my mouth. I twisted and wiggled, trying to get away. He kept stabbing at my flesh. He grabbed my hips and thrust forward. Finally, he penetrated

me. I felt like I was being ripped to pieces.

Once inside me, he began to move. He stroked slow at first, then faster. He moaned and thrust all the way into me.

His whole body vibrated and I felt wetness.

He lay still then removed his hand from my mouth.

“It’ll be better the next time,” he said after a while. “You’ll get used to it.”

“You said you wouldn’t hurt me,” I sobbed.

“It couldn’t be helped, honey. Trust me, it won’t hurt the next time. You’ll see.

Now, go clean yourself up.” I moved to do as he’d instructed but hesitated. “What is it, sweetheart?” he asked in a gentle tone.

“Do- do you r-really love me?” I asked.

“Yes, of course I do, doll. Remember what I told you? No one must know about this. They wouldn’t understand. It’s our little secret.” *** “Beth, come here,” Mom yelled from my bedroom the next morning. A sudden panic clutched my heart.

“Yes?” I edged nervously into the room.

Did she know, somehow?

“Look.” She pointed at the bloodstains on the bottom sheet. I gasped and began to shake. She knew. “Did you get your period?” I stared at her dumbly, not comprehending through my fear. “Don’t gawk at me like a dumb ass. Answer my

question. I said, did you start your damn period?”

“Y-yes,” I lied, letting out a relieved breath. So she didn’t know about me and Jake. Thank God. “There are pads and tampons in the bathroom on the bottom shelf.”

“What are tampons?”

“Good lord. Follow me.” She stomped into the bathroom, jerked open the cabinet and pulled out a small, slim package.

“Open it.” She handed the pack to me and I tore it open. I saw a plastic tube with cotton stuffed though it. The cotton had a long string attached to it.

“What’s it for?” I asked.

“You insert it into yourself to stop the flow.”

“H-how?” I asked, completely clueless.

I thought about the way Jake had inserted his self into me and shook my head. No way would I put that there. It would hurt.

My face paled from the thought. Mom noticed and directed me to a box with KOTEX written on the front.

“Let’s forget the tampons. Just wear pads. Make sure you don’t bleed all over the place again.”

Mom thought I’d gotten my period, but I hadn’t. I didn’t begin my real cycle until months later. The secret that I shared with Jake continued. I kept it all bottled inside.

*** I encountered Molly Griffin and Tiffany Ferguson, the two girls I’d overheard talking about me earlier in the school year, in the girls’ bathroom. When I walked in, they both jumped. They were smoking a funny smelling cigarette.

“Oh, it’s just Beth,” Molly said in her snobbish way.

“You’re not supposed to be smoking,” I told them.

“Who’s going to tell?” Molly asked and laughed. “You’re not.”

“Hey, why don’t you try it?” Tiffany suggested. She held the cigarette out to me.

“I don’t think so.” I shook my head.

“What a baby,” Molly mocked.

“Yeah, a big baby,” Tiffany agreed.

“Come on Beth. Just one drag,” Molly insisted. This time she held it out, her eyes daring me to do it.

“Well- I-” “Come on. Do it,” they both chanted.

They wore doubtful looks on their faces as they waited. Finally, I took the cigarette.

“Go on. Take a hit.” I put it to my lips and pulled the smoke into my lungs. I immediately began coughing and my head spun. They laughed. “Take another hit. Go on. Do it.” I pulled on it again. I coughed even more and my head spun faster.

“No more.” I thrust it back at them.

“What kind of cigarette is that?”

“It’s weed, silly,” Molly said.

“Weed?”

“Yeah. Pot. You know marijuana?”

Tiffany explained. “Give it a minute and you’ll start feeling good. Really good.”

“It’s called a high,” Molly laughed.

Pretty soon I began giggling, too.

“She’s feeling it.” They laughed again.

“Beth, I guess this means that you can hang with us since you’re not a chicken,” Molly told me.

“Yeah. You’re one of us now,” Tiffany agreed.

“D-do you mean it?” I asked in disbelief. Molly and Tiffany were two of the most popular girls in the entire school.

They wanted me to hang with them?

“Sure.” Molly smiled; the first real kind gesture she’d ever shown me. “Come on.

You can eat lunch with us.”

“I can?”

“Yeah, silly,” Tiffany said. The three of us stood there staring at each other until we burst into a fit of giggles. The door opened and we froze. In came another student, which caused us to breathe sighs of relief.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.” We headed for the cafeteria.

From that day forward the three of us were inseparable. Sometimes we skipped school and hung around at the mall.

That’s where Molly and Tiffany introduced me to shoplifting.

One day we cut school and went from store to store, admiring all the clothes, shoes and other things that we couldn’t afford. When we stopped at a perfume shop, I knew something would take place.

Molly distracted the salesperson as Tiffany and I wandered around.

“This perfume is heavenly. Smell it.”

She oohed and aahed over the collection of expensive perfumes. I sniffed at the container that she held out.

“Smells pretty.”

“I’d love to have a bottle,” she stated with a dreamy expression in her eyes.

When we left the store, she showed Molly and me the bottle she’d tucked into her purse.

“How did you do that?” I asked, amazed.

“Easy,” Molly answered for her. “I saw some earrings I just have to get. Let’s go fetch them.”

We went to several different stores.

They managed to get something from each one.

“You’re next, Beth,” Molly insisted. “A watch would go great with that bracelet.

Where did you get it?” She eyed the bracelet that Jake had given me on that night he’d taken my virginity.

“Oh, it was a gift,” I said.

“It’s expensive. I can tell. I know my jewelry,” she told me. “Let’s get a watch just as expensive.”

“Well-” “Don’t tell me you’re chicken,” she taunted.

“What if I get caught?” I asked.

“So what? All they’ll do is give you a slap on the wrist and let you go. Besides, you won’t get caught. It’s too easy. Trust me.” Not wanting to be the one to spoil the fun or put a damper on their mood, I did what they wanted. I stole a watch from the next store we visited.

“Alright.” They cheered. I felt warm inside. After so many years of being left out, I finally belonged. I vowed right then and there that I’d never go back to being the old Beth. Never. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Jake had made sure of that the night he’d forced me to have sex with him.