Chapter
One
WHAT DAY IS IT? Audrey Peterson couldn’t recall. It had to be the weekend. Lord, please let today be Saturday, her mind screamed. Her body felt like it needed an entire weekend to recuperate. Had she been stampeded by a herd of cattle? What time is it? She didn’t have an answer for that question either. She had her eyes closed, lingering somewhere in between that realm of dreaming and being awake. She kept trying to figure out what prevented her from drifting back to sleep. She was almost certain she wasn’t ready to begin the day just yet. What is that sound? her unconscious mind asked her muddled brain. I’ve heard it before, but I can’t quite make out what it is. She managed to crack open one eyelid and looked to her left. What she saw cleared any lingering cobwebs from her brain and jarred her fully awake. A strange man lay sprawled across the bed next to her, snoring. She sat upright, 1
Teresa D. Patterson brushing hair out of her eyes in order to see him more clearly. No, I didn’t, she thought. But, she had. It all rushed back to her like a motion picture. She was sitting at home bored out of her mind. Russell had picked up the kids, leaving her alone in the house. She thought about passing the time reading, but didn’t have any new books. She regretted letting her membership with Black Expressions expire. Her shelf held a few Dean Koontz and Stephen King novels, but she wasn’t in the mood for reading horror. She didn’t want to read Harlequin Romance either. Reading sappy love stories always left her feeling like she needed a man in her life. It didn’t take long for her to rule out the idea of reading. The quietness had been too much. It made her think about how alone she truly was. In spite of having two sons, most of the time, loneliness consumed her. She didn’t have a life outside of her children and boring job. She’d been only too glad to hear from her friends, Jeanya and Faith who called while on their way to the club. Hearing their enthusiasm made her want to get out, too. It didn’t take too much coaxing from them to convince her to tag
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In Need of a Joshua Man along. Staying at home, staring at four walls had been the only other alternative. She told them to pick her up and spent the next hour trying to find an outfit to wear. She didn’t own any clothing that could be considered club attire. She didn’t dress in revealing or tight clothes, which seemed to be the norm for everyone else. Even though she was going to a club, she wanted to appear respectable. It tripped her out every time one of her friends complained about a man feeling her up in the club. In Audrey’s opinion, you got what you asked for. If you dressed like trash, you got treated like trash. What man would respect you if you let half your butt hang out or allowed your breasts to wiggle in every direction? It really didn’t take much to get most men excited. Seeing flesh just egged them on. Almost every outfit from her closet ended up in a pile on the bed. Nothing seemed appropriate. Either it was too dressy, too tight, or too short. She made herself a mental note to clean out her closet and donate some stuff to Goodwill. Why hang on to size threes when she’d never squeeze her hips into those outfits again? She finally decided to wear a Phat Farm, denim jumpsuit. She pulled it on and surveyed 3
Teresa D. Patterson herself in the full-length mirror. It looked trendy and didn’t fit too snugly. She could stand to lose a few inches off her stomach, then her body would be banging. After dabbing some Glow perfume on her wrists and behind each earlobe, she was ready. Hearing a car horn, she grabbed her Coach purse that rested on the bed. It had been one of the few things she’d been able to afford before her credit had gotten ruined. She also owned a Dooney and Bourke as well as a Louis Vuitton. The total of the three purses combined could pay a month’s mortgage. She almost felt guilty for hanging onto the material things when she had to struggle so hard to make ends meet. But, those few things made her determined to rise above any problems she faced and conquer them. Audrey locked the front door and walked the few feet to Jeanya’s car. Of course, Jeanya and Faith had on what Audrey considered “hoochiefied” outfits. It almost made her change her mind about hanging out with them. They always got too much male attention no matter where they went. “Girl, look at you in your tight bodysuit,” Jeanya exclaimed. “Do I look all right?” she asked, selfconscious. 4
In Need of a Joshua Man “You know you look good and you’re so thin. You can wear stuff like that,” Faith said. “Yeah, she sure can. I’d have to put on a girdle to hold in all my flab,” Jeanya remarked and sucked air through her teeth. They all laughed. Audrey sat up front because Faith was in the backseat talking on her cell phone. She carried on an animated phone conversation as Jeanya drove toward the club. “Hey Faith, tell whoever that is to meet you at the club,” Jeanya threw over her shoulder. “Girl, I don’t want him to find out where I’m going. He’s a bug-a-boo,” she said, holding her hand over the phone so the guy couldn’t hear. “But, he’s good in bed. So, I might want to hook up with him later.” “TMI, Faith, too much information.” Audrey just shook her head and said nothing. She didn’t understand how Faith could sleep with random guys, but she wasn’t one to judge. Obviously, her friend knew what she was doing. Besides, she was an adult. Jeanya parked across the street from the club. Even though it was a small facility, it generated a moderate-sized crowd. The majority of the people just hung outside, sitting on the hoods of their cars, smoking or shooting the breeze. The men tried to hit on the ladies 5
Teresa D. Patterson before they had a chance to disappear inside the building. Jeanya exchanged numbers with one guy and another latched onto Faith and followed her inside. Audrey was glad that no one tried to come on to her. Once in the club, Audrey headed straight to the bar and bought a Hennessy and Coke. She took one sip and went, “Whew.” The bartender made the drink strong, which was rare at most clubs. Usually, the drinks were over-priced and watered down. She smiled and gave him a tip to ensure that he’d keep dishing out the favors the rest of the night. While leaving the bar she made eye contact with a tall, handsome, young man who looked to be in his late twenties. He had smooth caramel-colored skin and hazel eyes. He sported brother locks, but it didn’t take away from his good looks and sex appeal. He could have just stepped off the set of a fashion show. She wondered what he was doing at such a hole-in-the wall type of establishment. She and her friends went because it was about the only decent--depending on your definition of the word--urban club they had in St. Petersburg. If you wanted to call the Nightriders Motorcycle and Van Club a club. Most of the other clubs had shut down because 6
In Need of a Joshua Man the young black men in the area didn’t know how to act. They always ended up fighting, stabbing or shooting each other. Ironically, two of the places that used to be clubs had been converted into churches. After flirting with his eyes for a while, the guy finally approached her and offered to refresh her drink. Against her better judgment, she accepted. They exchanged names and ended up on the dance floor together. The rest of the night, she couldn’t shake him, not that she wanted too. He was cute. He had proven that he could dance when R Kelly’s song Step in the Name of Love played. He didn’t mind spending money. Not only had he bought drinks for her, he’d hooked Jeanya and Faith up as well. Her friends had been impressed, not that their opinions in men counted for much. They gave her the thumbs up, and Faith whispered in her ear, “I hope you let him get you over that dry spell you’ve been having.” Audrey couldn’t help but to laugh at that. They teased her unmercifully about being celibate for the last six months. If she’d kept her mouth shut, then her friends wouldn’t know all about her sexless life. After two more drinks, and mind you she had a two-drink limit, she was through. She 7
Teresa D. Patterson tried to dance it off but had to face the fact that she was wasted. She figured as much when they played, Pull It All the Way Down, and she tried to pull it down but couldn’t pick it back up. Her new friend helped her. Because she could no longer focus or stand up straight, they decided to leave. He offered to drive her home. If Jeanya or Faith had tried to talk her out of going home with a man she’d just met, she couldn’t recall. Those heifers were supposed to have her back. They knew she and brown liquor didn’t mix too well. She vaguely remembered her and the guy leaving the club. They stopped at Gyros, a fast food joint, to get something to eat. She could remember French fries and grease, but the rest of the night remained a blur. Audrey groaned aloud. How could she just let a stranger pick her up? Not to mention the fact she’d brought him into her home. She was acting like she was hard up for sex or something. Actually she was hard up, but that didn’t excuse her behavior. It penetrated her brain that the snoring had stopped. She turned to stare at the young man and saw he was no longer asleep. His light colored eyes met hers and his lips turned up at the corners. He had a beautiful smile, with nice 8
In Need of a Joshua Man even white teeth. At least she hadn’t ended up with someone who looked like a wooly mammoth. She would have killed Jeanya and Faith if they’d let that happen. “Good morning,” he greeted. “Um, yeah. Look, I can’t remember your name right now, but you have to go,” she said quickly. After noticing his smoldering stare, she pulled the sheet up to her neck. She didn’t care if he considered her to be a prude. In the broad daylight, she’d sobered up and come to her senses. “It’s Carlos,’” he reminded her, making no move to get out of her bed. “Why are you kicking me out? Don’t I at least get some breakfast?” He leaned on his elbow and stared at her with big, soulful eyes. Audrey almost laughed in his face. She couldn’t even remember what happened. Had he been good enough to deserve breakfast? “Look, Carlos. I’m sure you’re a nice young man, and I’m not trying to be rude. One-night stands are not my thing. In order to save us both from further embarrassment, I think it’s best for you to go. If you want, you can take a shower. After that, you have to leave,” she insisted. “You sure you don’t want to cook me breakfast?” he asked, smoothly. When he 9
Teresa D. Patterson stood up she saw he had the fine chiseled body of a black Adonis. She could understand how she’d lost her head; the man was perfection. He reminded her of a male stripper she’d once seen at a pleasure party. But this man would give the stripper a run for his money. “Or do you want to be breakfast?” he asked seductively, throwing her a mischievous grin. Audrey shook her head, blushed and sank further under the covers. He winked and left the room. While Carlos showered, Audrey looked around. When she saw the two torn Magnum packages, she breathed a sigh of relief. At least he’d been responsible enough to use protection. A lot of men would have jumped at the chance to take full advantage of a drunken female. That constituted not using a condom if she’d been too inebriated to ask them to put one on. She got up, grabbed her terry cloth robe from the closet and slid into it. She then pulled the sheets off the bed and got some clean ones. She was just about finished re-making the bed when Carlos stepped back into the room. “So, do you have a man? Is that why you’re running me off?” he asked bluntly.
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In Need of a Joshua Man “No. I’m single. If I wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here,” she told him. “Even though you were smashed most of the night, I enjoyed your company,” he said. Once he finished drying off he let the towel drop to the floor. Audrey averted her eyes. “Are you going to call me?” he asked as he pulled on his clothes. He was gorgeous but truthfully, she didn’t think he was her type. Besides the big gap in their ages, she’d always be suspicious of him. If he picked her up in the club, what other woman would he pick up? “Sure,” she lied. “You gave me your number, right?” “Yes, I added it in your list of contacts on your cell phone. It’s under Los.” “Why doesn’t a handsome man such as you have anyone?” she questioned. “You’re not married are you?” If he was it wasn’t her fault he’d committed adultery. He should have told her he had a wife. “Nah,” he shook his head. “I just broke up with my baby mama. She kicked me out, so I’m living with my aunt right now.” Baby mama drama waiting to unfold, Audrey thought. “Well, it was nice meeting you, Carlos,” she said, escorting him to the door. The last thing
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Teresa D. Patterson she needed was to be caught up in some love triangle. He turned and stared in her eyes. “I hope this won’t be the last time I see you.” “That’s up to you.” As his lips devoured hers, suddenly she didn’t care about anything else but having him. His age, the fact that he’d picked her up from a club, the possible drama, it all flew out the window when his tongue wrestled with hers. She almost led him back to the bedroom. If she wasn’t concerned about Russell bringing the boys home in the next few minutes, she would be on her back again. Carlos just might get breakfast after all. It took all of her will power to open the door and send him on his way. *** “Girl, why didn’t y’all stop me from going home with a stranger?” Audrey asked Faith and Jeanya. They all sat at her dining room table holding fresh drinks. It was Friday again, which meant it was time to unwind after a long stressful week. Once they finished drinking, they would probably hit a club. If they got too tipsy to drive across the bridge to Tampa, the Nightriders Van Club had “Grown Folk Friday.” There would be a free fish fry so usually there’d be a pretty good turn out. People always showed up for free food. 12
In Need of a Joshua Man “You didn’t look like you wanted to be rescued to me,” Faith said. “Sure didn’t,” Jeanya agreed. “Besides, you were too heavy for us to pick up off the floor. We’re glad he was there to do it.” They cracked up. “Where’s Vanessa? Isn’t she coming over?” Audrey asked. “Yeah, she had to go to one of those hot houses and get some weed. She can’t drink without smoking. You know that.” “Well, I’m not smoking tonight. If I smoke anything, then y’all know I’ll fall asleep. Going to the club will be out of the question,” Audrey told them. “Hey Audrey, you haven’t told us how it went yet,” Faith interrupted. Audrey played it off. She knew that Faith was trying to get in her business, so she stalled her. “How what went?” “You know, your encounter,” Faith said. “Don’t try to act all innocent. You hadn’t had any action for six months. I bet he rocked your world.” “Or at least cleared some cobwebs out,” Jeanya said. Audrey threw up her hands. There would be no stopping the questions. Her friends
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Teresa D. Patterson would never let it go. She opted to just tell them the truth. “Y’all, I was so drunk I can’t even remember,” she said. “And that’s a shame because if it was mind-blowing, I want to know.” “You can’t remember anything at all?” Jeanya asked. Audrey shook her head. “That’s sad, huh?” “He was sexy. Maybe you should hook up with him again. Did you at least get his number? Why don’t you invite him over here to drink with us?” she added. Audrey knew better. If she did, Faith would try to get her hooks in him. Faith would sleep with any Tom, Dick or Harry who showed her some interest. It didn’t bother her a bit if one of her friends had been with him first. To make matters worse, she’d try to compare notes later on. Audrey wasn’t about to let Carlos become community property, passed around from friend to friend. She hesitated before answering. “Yeah, I got his number. I just don’t want to call him. I mean, he’s younger than me, and I don’t see any future in it. So, why pursue it?” “Simple. Use him for sex,” Faith explained. “I mean, the men do it to us, right?” “They sure do,” Jeanya agreed. “All the time.” 14
In Need of a Joshua Man She gave her friends an incredulous look. “That doesn’t make it right,” Audrey pointed out. She couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of their mouths. But, it didn’t surprise her at all. Nowadays females had switched roles with the males. They were more aggressive than ever and cared even less about a committed relationship than most men. “Forgot about what’s right and wrong. Just have some fun. He’ll be happy. You’ll be happy. No strings attached. No drama.” Faith’s cell phone rang. “Hello?” She placed the phone to her ear and picked up her drink. “I’m going outside so I can get better reception. This is one booty call I don’t want to miss,” she told them. She could be heard giggling into the phone before the front door closed behind her. Faith was something else. She hadn’t slowed down since her broken engagement two months prior. She’d been involved with a man who’d left her for someone he’d met on the Internet. He’d seemed so perfect for her. He’d been hard-working. He didn’t hang out in the clubs. He wasn’t much of a drinker and he didn’t do drugs. He acted as though she was the best thing since sliced cheese. But, behind her back, he’d been communicating with women in chat rooms. He met one of them in person and his engagement went downhill from 15
Teresa D. Patterson that point on. He ended up flying the woman and her child in from Georgia. They moved in with him, and Faith had been forgotten. That had proven, you just can’t trust anyone. “I’m going to refresh my drink. You want another one?” Jeanya asked, standing up to get more ice. Audrey shook her head. She wasn’t even halfway finished with her first drink. It surprised her that Jeanya was on her second one already. That woman could drink like a camel. “What are you so stressed about now? You’re downing those drinks kind of fast,” she commented, watching Jeanya get the ice and close the freezer door. “I thought things were looking up. You just moved into your own place. The kids have space, and you don’t have to bicker with your mom and brother anymore. What’s up?” “Girl, it’s Marcus,” she said in a frustrated tone as she sat down again. “He keeps telling me he’s going to help me with the rent and other bills, but he never does. Every time I ask about it, his excuse is that something came up.” Audrey’s brow lifted. “Does he work?” “No girl. You know he’s on the grind. But, it’s not like he doesn’t have the money. He just gives it to his baby mama. Anytime she calls 16
In Need of a Joshua Man asking for something, he breaks his back to give it to her.” “Well, he has to take care of his child.” She couldn’t fault the man in that area. She knew of too many brothers who didn’t provide for their own. “She takes advantage of it, though. I mean, he just gave her close to a thousand dollars. She claimed she needed it for child care expenses.” “Whoa, that’s a lot of money.” Audrey could smell a lie in Marcus’s story. If Jeanya wanted to convince herself he was telling the truth, so be it. “I know. He said if he hadn’t given her that, he would have paid half the rent.” She sighed deeply, poured a majority of Hennessy in her cup and a little chaser. Audrey shook her head. She just couldn’t do it. Her drinks had to taste more like the chaser than the liquor. “If he’s on the grind, he should make more real soon,” Audrey consoled. “Just keep asking him. If he lives there, he should pay half of the expenses. Rent isn’t free.” “I know. I just don’t want to nag him. Having someone live with me is a new experience. I’m not sure if it’s something I’d recommend.”
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Teresa D. Patterson Audrey stirred the ice that was left in her drink and took another sip through the straw. “I know I can’t fathom living with a man. I need my privacy because I have my moods.” She finished her drink off with a slurping sound. “Well, at least you get to get some every night.” “Whatever.” Jeanya gave her a look, tossed her a, “child please,” and curled her lip in a grimace. “Well, what is he good for?” Audrey exclaimed. “If he ain’t paying bills, and he ain’t breaking you off every night then he needs to go.” “I can’t let him go. I just care about him so much,” Jeanya said in a pitying voice. She reminded Audrey of those women on the Dr. Phil Show who stayed even after their men physically or mentally abused them. They always made excuses for the no good men. What made women so weak? Audrey let the subject drop and got up to fix a second drink. Vanessa finally arrived. Faith finished her cell phone conversation and came back inside to join them. At that time, the party got crunk. It wasn’t long before Vanessa rolled a blunt, lit it and passed it around. Even though Audrey said she wasn’t smoking, she took a hit anyway. After several more puffs, she decided
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In Need of a Joshua Man to call Carlos after all. She didn’t let Faith know of her plans, though. She convinced her friends she was too drunk to go out. After they left, she invited Carlos over. She felt a certain anxiety about hooking up with him again. A one-night stand was supposed to be for one night only. She was turning it into something more by inviting him back. Pushing her fears aside, she took a shower and prepared herself for the late night rendezvous. When Carlos arrived, she caught the look of appreciation in his eyes when he saw her. She had changed into a red, lace teddy with a matching robe. His eyes made her glad she’d taken extra care to dress in something special. “You look really sexy,” he said in a husky voice. She stared into his honey colored eyes. He was one of those gorgeous men who could make your bones turned into jelly from just one glance. She’d really lucked up when she met him. That night, she remembered everything. Carlos packed more than she cared to work with. No wonder he carried Magnums, which were rumored to be for the larger-sized man.
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Teresa D. Patterson After thirty minutes of trying to relax, she finally gave up and apologized for wasting his time. “It’s the brown liquor. I shouldn’t have drunk so much. It affects my sex drive,” she explained. “Can’t you do something?” he asked in disappointment. “Are you going to just leave me hanging?” Audrey knew that something meant perform oral sex. She really didn’t care to do something so personal with someone she barely knew. But, she felt bad because she’d gotten him all worked up and hadn’t been able to accommodate him. She ended up giving in and doing what he wanted just to please him. “I’ll call you,” he said before he left that night. Audrey knew what that meant. She’d probably never hear from him again. If he did call, it would be because his main woman wasn’t available. “Another one bites the dust,” she said as she lay in bed staring at the ceiling. “Why do I keep doing this to myself?” She felt even more alone and couldn’t explain the sadness that suddenly washed over her.
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Chapter
Two
AUDREY HADN’T SEEN THE inside of a church for months. She sat in her car contemplating whether or not she would enter the building. According to the clock on her dashboard, it was a few minutes from 11:30 a. m., the start of morning worshipping services. She took a deep breath then exhaled. “Lord, if I can’t go through with this please don’t send me to hell,” she prayed. “Miss?” The tap on the window startled her. She still had the engine running, trying to enjoy as much of the benefits of air conditioning she could. It wouldn’t be long before she got hit with Florida’s humidity. “Yes?” she asked tentatively, pushing the down button for the power window. “Are you coming inside?” A man dressed in a casual suit and tie asked. He wore a big friendly smile on his face. “Er- well-” “Come on and join us today,” he invited. He seemed so pleasant and mannerly that she immediately felt comfortable. She couldn’t help returning his smile.
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Teresa D. Patterson “Ok. I’ll come inside,” she said, letting the window back up. She shut off the engine and took the key out of the ignition. She grabbed her purse and Bible from the passenger seat, got out the car, and followed the gentleman. He held the door for her as she entered the church. It was a small house of worship, not at all what she’d been accustomed to when she regularly attended church so long ago. Back then, she belonged to the Church of Christ. At the 20th Street Church of Christ, she’d immediately felt swallowed up when she stepped inside the building. At church she should have felt at home, instead she’d felt so insignificant. That’s one of the reasons she didn’t attend anymore. She thought that most churches had become too political. They’d also become places for people to showcase what they had instead of hearing about Jesus Christ and salvation. Audrey took a seat toward the back and surveyed the people. There weren’t many in attendance, mostly women and children, and a few men. Why did I have to pick a third Sunday of all the days, to come? she grumbled to herself. She remembered that on third Sunday black folk usually stayed at home. It would be 22
In Need of a Joshua Man children’s choir day also. From the looks of it, there weren’t too many children in the church who belonged to the choir. Well, maybe the pastor will preach a moving sermon. At least it won’t be a complete waste of my time. It ought to be a shame that a film of dust actually covered the front of her Bible. She wiped it off, opened it and flipped through the pages. The only verse that stood out in her mind was the 23rd Psalm. She read that as the rest of the attendees filed into the church. The pastor took a seat up front. Audrey was looking down so she didn’t witness his dumbfounded expression when he saw her. The choir began singing an old hymn she didn’t know the words to. She tried to hum along. She noticed the row of women in front of her all wore skirts with hems that nearly touched the floor. She wondered if their outfits had been tailor made. She couldn’t remember seeing such long dresses in any of the department stores she shopped at. She felt a little uncomfortable in her own two-pieced skirt set. It wasn’t a mini-skirt, but it wasn’t a burlap sack, either. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the woman next to her wore a pants suit. She almost thought
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Teresa D. Patterson she’d visited a sanctified church and had considered getting up to leave. “Let everyone in the church please stand for the reading of God’s Word.” The pastor’s deep voice rang out over the church. Audrey placed her Bible on the seat and stood. When her eyes encountered the pastor it momentarily threw her. He’s a pastor? He was light complexioned, incredibly handsome and couldn’t be any older than she. She remembered him from somewhere. She searched her mind until she came up with an image of him streaking through the streets of St. Petersburg on his motorcycle. His name was Raymond Something Or Other. If memory served her correctly, he’d been really popular with the ladies, too. Great. Another womanizing, wannabe preacher. Well, I won’t listen to one word that Pastor Raymond- She gazed at the business card one of the ushers had handed her on the way in. -Dickerson utters. She’d encountered a few of those “socalled” preachers who happened to frequent the clubs more often than she did. She thought of them as hypocrites. How could you be a man of God and save souls, when you hung out and frolicked just as often as the sinners? 24
In Need of a Joshua Man Who wanted you to witness to them with a whiff of Hennessy on your breath? She couldn’t recall seeing Pastor Dickerson out clubbing during recent years. She had spotted him on a few occasions, though. Once she’d run into him at K-Mart. Another time, she’d seen him with his family at Denny’s restaurant. She’d encountered him and his sons, she assumed, at Marshall’s Department Store. Recently, she’d seen him again at the bank. She wondered why her memory had been jolted, all of a sudden, with memories of the pastor. He was a man and probably wasn’t any different than the rest. She had to get her mind off him. She was in church to repent because of men. She forced her thoughts onto something else. She chuckled as she remembered going to the Van Club Saturday night. Only at the Van Club would you see men sporting Jheri curls and wearing cowboy hats. The dance floor was no bigger than a paper napkin, but it was a place to go. You could socialize and inter-mingle with your people. She didn’t necessarily like the Van Club, but she didn’t dislike it either. As long as you tipped, the bartender made the drinks pretty
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Teresa D. Patterson strong. She always left that place feeling a little light-headed. She’d run into Carlos again and let him follow her home. Of course, they ended up in the bedroom. In the middle of the process his cell phone kept ringing. He hadn’t answered, but he’d stopped what he was doing to check the number. It wasn’t long before he finished, got up and pulled on his clothes. He hadn’t even bothered to take a shower. His leaving had proven just how much he cared about her feelings. Even though she’d brought it on herself, she felt so used. She shook her head to clear it of Carlos. She couldn’t call it a one-night stand because she’d already been with him three times. Still, she’d been laden with guilt because he wasn’t her man. That’s why she felt such a strong desire to attend church. Maybe, subconsciously, she thought attending would purge her of her sins. She wasn’t sure if she’d chosen the right church for that, though. Pastor Dickerson stood up after the junior pastor finished speaking and it immediately drew her attention. He really was quite handsome. As his eyes met hers, he appeared to become suddenly nervous. He took out a handkerchief and wiped his brow.
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In Need of a Joshua Man Audrey couldn’t look away. Something about him intrigued her. When he began his sermon, surprisingly, the words held her interest. She forgot all about his appearance and concentrated on the words. He spoke about how Christians that had been saved knew the Word and knew about living righteous lives. When they backslid it became more difficult for them to find their way back to Christ. He referred to a verse in the Bible that compared backsliding Christians to a dog that turns back to its own vomit. After reading the Bible verse and reflecting on it, Audrey truly felt the importance. She could picture a dog vomiting and licking it up; it sickened her to her stomach. Yet, she was a dog turning back to her own vomit. Audrey knew the things she did was wrong. She’d given her life over to the Lord at age fifteen. At that time, she’d been baptized. She knew when she’d gone under water, she should have felt something. Yet, she hadn’t experienced anything phenomenal. Maybe she should have waited until she’d been old enough to understand the significance of baptism. To that day, she still felt like something had been missing. Baptism was a topic worth discussing with someone more knowledgeable of the Bible. 27
Teresa D. Patterson She had other questions as well, about faith and tithing. She didn’t even know how to pray, at least not effectively. It was sad but true. She wondered frequently if God even answered her prayers. Sometimes, she felt as though something blocked her from God. She didn’t know how she could get past the wall. Maybe getting involved with a church would be a good start. She’d been raised up in the church the majority of her life. She knew the lifestyle she led wasn’t pleasing in the sight of God. She just didn’t know how to find her way back from her sinful ways. She thought about all the sins she’d committed recently. She’d hooked up with Carlos: fornication. Just sleeping with the men she’d been with was sinful because she wasn’t married. She drank and held wild parties. She smoked marijuana, on occasion. Even though “Thou shalt not smoke weed,” wasn’t one of the Ten Commandments, she knew God didn’t approve of it. Her thoughts weren’t always pure. Heck, she thought evil thoughts as she sat in church. At that moment, she wondered why the woman in front of her had to wear such an ugly hat. Hats should be banned from church or only allowed during funerals. The one the woman sported proudly was wide. It 28
In Need of a Joshua Man was black with sparkling sequins and red feathers. What a combination. It looked like a Thanksgiving turkey had perched on top of her head. Her attention turned back to the pastor as he asked if anyone wanted to join the church that day. He looked her way, but she bowed her head and avoided his gaze. He then offered to pray for anyone who felt in need of prayer. A few people went forward, but Audrey remained in her seat. All in all it had been an excellent sermon and she’d gotten something from it. Pastor Raymond Dickerson wasn’t a hypocrite after all. She wondered why he chosen to head a congregation. Why had he become a pastor? Had something tragic happened in his life to make him turn to religion? Had he been called to minister the gospel? Audrey didn’t quite understand what it meant to be called by God. She remembered reading in the Bible how Moses had been chosen by God to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. God had spoken to him from a burning bush. Had it been like that for Pastor Dickerson? As she sat lost in her thoughts almost everyone filed out of the church. The pastor and a few other parishioners stood nearby 29
Teresa D. Patterson conversing. With a start, Audrey realized the church was nearly empty. She grabbed her Bible, collected her purse and stood up to leave. Pastor Dickerson caught her eye as she stepped into the aisle. “Thank you for coming,” he told her, extending his hand. She noticed the absence of a wedding band. “Hopefully, you’ll come again,” another voice stated. It was the gentleman from earlier. Audrey gave them both a polite smile, but said nothing. She took the hand the pastor held out and shook it. “Have a blessed evening,” he said. She stared into his eyes and her heart did a crazy pitter-patter. She released his hand quickly. “You too,” she answered softly and left the church. As she headed toward her car, she couldn’t imagine for the life of her what had just happened. She’d had a reaction to a man of God. It hadn’t been a sexual reaction, but it had been something to ponder. It filled her head with all kinds of questions and stirred something within her. *** Pastor Dickerson couldn’t stop thinking about the woman who’d visited his church. Of course, she’d been pretty, but over the years 30
In Need of a Joshua Man he’d learned that true beauty began on the inside. It had been something else about her that fascinated him other than her looks. She’d made him nervous when he’d seen her from his position at the pulpit. He’d been accustomed to glancing out over his congregation and seeing the regulars. Of course, from time to time they got visitors, but rarely on a third Sunday. Seeing a new face had been a welcoming sight. His reaction to seeing her hadn’t been motivated by the Spirit, but the flesh. It took him back to a time when he’d been worldly. Those were his before-Christ days. It jarred him, throwing him off a bit. He’d felt himself sweating and had to say a quick prayer to God asking for forgiveness. He’d momentarily slipped back to his old way of thinking and had to reflect on Psalm 51 for strength. “God, be merciful to me because you are loving. Because you are always ready to be merciful, wipe out all my wrongs. Wash away all my guilt and make me clean again.” Now, as he sat at his desk preparing his lesson plan for the evening services, he let his mind drift. He knew her name: Audrey Peterson. Actually, he didn’t know her, personally, but knew her brother, Charles Peterson. Some years back, he and Charles 31
Teresa D. Patterson attended the same school to become barbers. Charles lived off Twenty Second Street, one of the streets he’d frequently sped down while riding his motorcycle. On occasion, he stopped by Charles’ house. During a few of those times, he’d seen Audrey. Back then, he’d been known as a true player. He could have tried, and had no doubt that he would have succeeded, in getting with her. But, he hadn’t. Partly out of the respect he had for Charles and also because even then, he sensed something uniquely different about her. Audrey Peterson. He sat back in his chair and wondered, What brought her to my church? He knew, in time, God would give him the answer. For now, he had to review his notes from earlier. Usually, for the six o’clock worship he used the same sermon he’d presented at the morning services. A handful of his congregation attended both morning and evening services, but most of the time, it was people who couldn’t make it to the church by 11:30 a. m., for whatever reasons. He turned to II Peter 2:20-23, “For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, 32
In Need of a Joshua Man and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning. For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.” Deep. This was a scripture he’d meditated and prayed on for a while. Heading a congregation, he’d witnessed this happening time and time again. So often, people who knew Christ reverted back to their old ways. They got tangled up in the world and often times became enslaved once again to the evil things that had controlled them before. Those things could be sexual addiction, alcoholism, drug abuse, pornography, lying, causing division among other people, or wrath. For those people, it would have been better for them to have never known the right way. They knew what was right, yet still turned away from it. Turning away from the right way is like a dog turning back to lick up its own vomit or like a clean pig going back to the mud and wallowing in filth again. Raymond had his own personal testimony to the fact. He’d battled long and hard with 33
Teresa D. Patterson drinking. He had been what they classified as a “stay-at-home drunk.” He hadn’t needed to hang around people to get his drink on. He drank frequently, and he’d started doing so at a young age. He’d also smoked marijuana. At one time, he too, could roll a blunt with the best of them. Unlike President Clinton, he did inhale. Drugs and alcohol had been a significant part of his life. God had truly delivered him from the pits of hell. Alcoholism was a disease that could eat away at you from the inside out. Smoking weed destroyed brain cells in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine. They had both, at one point in time, enslaved him. God’s grace had broken the binds of those enslaving chains and released him. Raymond sat back in the leather office chair and sighed aloud. Knowing the right way but turning back to the wrong way had been what caused his marriage to end. Sometimes, he wondered if he could have handled things differently. Maybe his wife would have stayed with him. But, he didn’t want to dwell on that. He could write a book on all the right and wrong things to do in a marriage. Presently, he was doing what he’d been ordained to do by God. His ex-wife hadn’t been able to handle that. 34
In Need of a Joshua Man “Wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?” Doing God’s will was the only thing of importance to him. He couldn’t help but feel a certain surprise when he was hit with, “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.”
35
Chapter
Three
“I HATE MY LIFE,” AUDREY grumbled as she struggled to pull the cleaning cart through the hotel’s hallway on Monday morning. She worked thirty hours a week as a maid at the Holiday Inn. The cart held a variety of items - cotton towels, soaps, shampoos, shower caps and plastic cups - that sported the hotel’s logo. There were also individual coffees, sugars, and creamers. On the bottom level were the toiletries. Audrey rapped on the door to warn any guests that she would be entering. Receiving no answer, she used her card to swipe her way inside. She opened the door, went inside and surveyed the room. From the looks of it, the occupants had checked out. She liked when the guest had vacated the premises. That way, she wouldn’t feel rushed or feel as if she was invading someone’s personal space. Some people were funny like that. They didn’t want anyone in their room with their belongings. Audrey didn’t blame them for feeling that way. Some of the women she worked with had sticky fingers. Eartha, the person who’d trained her, had been that type. She ate the people’s snacks, searched through their closets, half- made the beds and drank their soft drinks or liquor. 1
Teresa D. Patterson Eartha had ended up getting fired for stealing the hotel’s towels. She took them directly from the laundry room and placed them in large plastic trash bags used by the hotel. The supervisor of housekeeping caught her stuffing them in the trunk of her car so she couldn’t deny it. Audrey sighed audibly. Eartha had been quite a character. She’d always had animated stories to share with them about her weekends. With Eartha around, there had never been a dull moment. If only she hadn’t been such a kleptomaniac, she’d be there for Audrey to talk to. Maybe then her mind wouldn’t drift so often, causing her to get depressed about her job. After attending college for four years and obtaining a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Management, this is where she’d ended up, cleaning up after folk. What a shame and what a waste of her skills and qualifications. She couldn’t believe the way her life had taken a turn for the worse. At one point, she’d been living high on the hog, so to speak. She had a nice home, drove a SUV and had plenty of money in the bank. She’d been able to enjoy life. If she wanted to blow one of her checks on shopping for frivolous things, she did just that. She’d been able to go out to dinner and splurge at least once a month. She could remember when she, Jeanya and Faith had decided to make every third Saturday ‘Girl’s Day.’ Somehow, they all managed to get rid of their children 2
In Need of a Joshua Man so they could enjoy a relaxing day. They went shopping from mall to mall. Sometimes, they end up in Sarasota. Other times, they wound up in Tampa. Tired from walking from store after store, they’d stop at a nice restaurant and sit down to eat. That usually resorted in them having a few drinks. Once alcohol entered the equation, there’d be no telling what could happen next. The night would usually end with them trying to dance the effects of the alcohol off at a club. Audrey sighed again. Those had been the good old days. But, she’d been unfortunate enough to meet Curtis Black. Just saying his name put a bad taste in her mouth. Curtis. He could sweet-talk the panties off a nun then convince God he’d done nothing wrong. He not only messed up Audrey’s credit, he just about ruined her life. Thinking about that slimy dog made her so angry. She snatched the sheets off the two twin beds and threw them on the floor. As she re-made the beds with fresh, clean linen her thoughts drifted. She’d met Curtis Black during her senior year at college, in her Business Law class. One day, he’d asked her for a ride home and she’d given him one. This was the start of the worst relationship she’d ever gotten herself into. From the jump, many red flags went up that she refused to acknowledge. For instance, Curtis never offered her any gas money and she drove all out her 3
Teresa D. Patterson way to take him home. Next, Curtis always wanted something to eat from Wendy’s or McDonalds, but Curtis never reached for his wallet. Curtis even told her she tipped too much and had the audacity to take two dollars back one time when they’d gone out to dinner. Of course, she had paid the bill. Those should have been clear warnings, but she’d missed them. At the time, she’d been lonely and suffering from a dry spell. Actually, the dry spell had just about turned into a drought. Curtis hadn’t been bad looking. He wasn’t a Denzel Washington, but he could run neck-to-neck with Cuba Gooding, Jr. She’d been vulnerable to his overtures and naïve to his smooth maneuvers. She’d tried not to rush into sex, but he’d piled the charm on heavily. A month later, she’d finally given in. Once they’d become intimate, Curtis transformed into a new creature. He’d become bossy and demanding. Not only that, he’d started to talk down to her. He’d even gone so far as to try to control every aspect of her life. To make matters worse, she’d let him. She hated to admit it, but the man had her mind. The things he’d done in the bedroom temporary blinded her. But, once she saw her bank statement three months later, she’d snapped back to all five of her senses. A confrontation had been inevitable. Curtis had made numerous withdrawals in substantial amounts. When she’d asked him about them, he’d become mute all of a sudden. He couldn’t explain what he’d done with her money. The final 4
In Need of a Joshua Man straw was when she discovered he’d maxed out her credit card to buy spinning rims for his car, a car that she’d purchased with her student loan check. Not only that, he’d used her social security number to buy a cell phone that he’d ran up over a thousand dollars. He’d squandered the rent money. All of her bills were late because he hadn’t paid them, even though she’d given him the money to do so. She couldn’t believe a human being could be so selfish and heartless. How could he even look in the mirror without breaking it? She considered him less of a man, taking advantage of a single parent. She’d ended up getting evicted from her house for lack of payment of the rent. She’d been forced to move into a smaller, two bedroom house that she could barely afford. She had to ask her mother to get the electricity turned on for her. She couldn’t do it in her name because they wanted a $400 deposit up front, which she simply didn’t have. It’s sad to have to get a bill put in your mother’s name, but it couldn’t be helped. There was no more cable, cell phone or second phone line. She had to cut back on the excess. She seemed to have gotten caught up in Murphy’s Law. Whatever could go wrong did go wrong. Right after she’d moved, they cut her position at the insurance company where she’d worked as a claims processor. Since she’d been there for five years she received a severance package, but that had only lasted for so long. 5
Teresa D. Patterson She signed up with numerous temp agencies. Things got difficult because even the temporary employment agencies required a credit check. Many times, she got turned down for the good-paying jobs because of her poor credit score. She considered filing bankruptcy but didn’t even have the money to do that. It seemed like a no-win situation. She couldn’t get a job because of her credit, and she couldn’t fix her credit because she didn’t have a job. Once the bills started piling up and the electric, phone and water got disconnected a few times, she’d swallowed her pride and applied for the housekeeping position at the hotel. Her brother knew someone who knew someone else that could get her hired. She needed a job desperately in order to take care of her family. Even though she’d been overqualified for the position, she convinced the manager, if given a chance, she’d be one of the best room attendants she’d ever hired. Now, she was grateful she had a steady paycheck but felt stuck cleaning rooms. She continued to put in applications for other jobs, but so far nothing had come of it. She felt like she wasn’t living up to her potential and that really bothered her self-esteem. Working as a maid, couldn’t turn into a lifetime career. She’d graduated with a Bachelor’s degree but now found herself broke, with bad credit. All she had to look forward to was paying back student loans. Not 6
In Need of a Joshua Man to mention the constant phone calls she received from various bill collectors. She couldn’t understand bill collectors. If she hadn’t paid them then what made them think she would pay them now when she had next to nothing? Keeping food in the refrigerator, having a roof over her children’s heads and maintaining the necessities was all she cared about right now. Old credit card bills and personal loans didn’t stand a chance of getting paid. Even if she wanted to pay, she couldn’t do it on her meager salary. Audrey surveyed the room to make sure everything was satisfactory. Even though she hated being a maid, she still did the best job that she could. Unlike some of the other maids, she thoroughly cleaned the rooms and changed the sheets on every bed. She wouldn’t take any short cuts because she knew she wouldn’t want someone to do that to her. Those people paid their hard earned money to be able to stay overnight in a clean room. It was the least she could do. Audrey’s spirits picked up by the end of her shift. She received nearly $75 dollars in tips. Being courteous, polite and friendly to everyone she encountered paid off. She could treat her sons to the movies with the extra money. As she drove toward home, she noticed that her 1993 Saturn seemed to jerk when it switched gears. The last thing she needed was car problems. 7
Teresa D. Patterson “Not the transmission Lord,” she prayed. She’d have to take it somewhere the next day she had off. She couldn’t afford to be without a vehicle. For the time being, she stopped at the Family Dollar Store and got a bottle of transmission fluid. “I hope this delays the problem,” she said as she pulled into her yard and popped the hood. Bernard, her eight-year old son, cracked the door and peered out when he heard her pull up. “Mama, what you doing?” he asked. She threw him a smile. She took the job at the hotel because she didn’t want her children to be at home alone for too long before she arrived. She usually got off at three o’ clock. As it was, they spent less than an hour without adult supervision. Even though her oldest was twelve, she just didn’t trust him to be responsible enough if something went wrong. “I’m putting transmission fluid in the car,” she told him. “Where’s your brother?” “Playing video games.” “Did you do your homework?” Silence. “Bernard, did you do your homework?” she repeated. “Nope, not yet,” he admitted. “Well, go inside, sit down at the table and do it. Make sure you turn the TV off,” she reminded. “Okay.” She could hear the door close as he went back inside. She poured the transmission fluid in the car, sighed, and slammed the hood shut. As soon as she entered the house she could feel her blood pressure rise. The couch pillows were 8
In Need of a Joshua Man tossed on the floor, shoes blocked her path. In the kitchen, dirty dishes sat in the sink. Spilled soda in the middle of the table trickled onto the tiled floor, making one huge puddle. The final straw was a gigantic jelly handprint on the door of the refrigerator. “Shaquil,” she called. “Shaquil. Get in here.” Shaquil, tall, lanky and looking like his daddy, ambled into the room. “Why is this kitchen…this house looking like this?” she asked, indicating the grape jelly and the messy living room. He shrugged nonchalantly. “Clean it up. Now.” His lips moved, but he said nothing. “Boy, don’t make me go up-side your head. You know it irritates me when you stand there mouthing off.” “But, I didn’t say nothing,” Shaquil whined, heading for the sink. “Just you moving your lips says enough. Don’t cop an attitude with me. I have to get on you every day about this house.” By now she’d ventured into their room. “Oh Lord have mercy. I know you don’t think that this room is clean. I told both of you to clean up this room this morning before I left for work. Is this supposed to be clean?” She stared at Shaquil like he’d lost his mind. He was the oldest but also the laziest. At least the baby had attempted to make up his bed. It was a pitiful attempt but at least he’d tried. She just shook her head. “When you finish the dishes and when you finish your homework, both of you, go clean up that room. Don’t make me have to tell you again or I’ll be getting the wooden spoon.” Shaquil 9
Teresa D. Patterson laughed. “Oh, you think that’s funny? You just try me. By the way.” She waited for both of them to look at her. “I was going to take you to the movies, but since y’all so hard-headed, that’s out of the question.” “Aw man.” Bernard pouted. “Mama, that ain’t right,” Shaquil griped. “What ain’t right is your attitude. When you two learn to do as I ask you to do, then you’ll be rewarded. You’re not going to get anything for being hard-headed. I shouldn’t have to tell you the same thing over and over again.” “I know because I’m tired of hearing it,” Shaquil said under his breath. “What? Boy, don’t get hit in the mouth,” she warned. He rolled his eyes. “Whatever,” he muttered. Audrey just glared at the back of his head as he stood at the sink half-heartedly washing dishes. She had the mind to just pop him right upside his mug. He was just getting too grown and sassy for his own good. Somebody would have to do something with him because she was going to hurt his behind. “You stop talking back to mama,” Bernard piped up, giving his brother a serious look from his position on the floor in front of the television. He wasn’t at the table and the TV was still on, but Audrey was too tired to comment on it. “Shut up,” Shaquil snapped at him. “You shut up,” Bernard yelled back. 10
In Need of a Joshua Man Audrey raised her voice over them. “Boys, please. Will you both just be quiet? Y’all are giving me a headache.” She massaged her temples and sighed aloud. “I’m going to take a shower and lie down for a while,” she told them. Bernard got up from the floor where he’d been doing his homework. He stretched out his arms for a hug. “I love you,” he said as she embraced his warm body. “I love you more.” “I love you much, much more.” “Whatever,” Shaquil said from the kitchen. “I just threw up in the back of my throat.” *** Audrey had just nodded off when a light tapping on her door awakened her. She sat up in bed and looked around the semi-darkened room. “Yes, what is it?” “Mama.” She heard Bernard’s muffled voice through the door. “Yes, what is it?” she repeated, getting up and cracking the door to peer at him. She felt groggy, but at least her headache had dissipated. “I was playing with my cars and I found this under the couch,” he said, holding out a white business sized envelope. She immediately noticed that it was from the middle school Shaquil attended. It was addressed: To the Parents of Shaquil Peterson. 11
Teresa D. Patterson “Thank you baby. Go back in the living room and watch cartoons.” “Okay.” He closed the door, reopened it, stuck his head in and said, “I love you.” She smiled. “I love you, too.” Once the door clicked shut she tore open the letter to read the contents. She couldn’t believe what her eyes showed her. It was a Notice of Suspension. Shaquil had gotten suspended one day for continuous misconduct. “What has this boy done now?” she fumed as she stormed out of her room. Her headache had returned full force. “Shaquil. You get your behind in here, right now.” Once he stood in front of her, he gave her a bored expression. “What is the meaning of this?” She angrily waved the letter in front of his face. “Explain to me how you ended up getting suspended from school. And why did you shove the notice under the couch?” “I didn’t shove nothing under the couch,” he blatantly lied. “Why did your brother find it under the couch then?” He just continued to look bored and unaffected. She felt like snatching his head off. She bet she’d get a reaction from him then. “I guess it just grew legs and crawled under the couch by itself? “ “Must been did,” he said. “Boy, just get out of my sight. I can’t stand to look in your face right now. Just go.” He walked off. “And 12
In Need of a Joshua Man no video games. Turn it off. Turn the TV off. Read a book or look at the wall for all I care.” Since it wasn’t four o’clock, his school hadn’t closed. She picked up the phone and dialed the number at the bottom of the letter. After her conversation with the assistant principal, she was even hotter than before. Her first thought was to get the belt and wear Shaquil’s behind out. But, she had to exhale. He was too big for whippings. Plus, she was in no mood to be chasing him around the room. She would just have to call his daddy. She dreaded making that call and letting Russell in on her business. It would just be one more thing that Russell could hold against her. As if he had room to judge. He was always so busy working that he didn’t have time for the boys. That probably was one of the reasons Shaquil continued to act up at school. Shaquil knew that she wasn’t going to do anything to him but yell and perhaps ground him. He also wasn’t too concerned about what Russell would do. By the time he showed up, the incident would have been forgotten. She couldn’t postpone the inevitable so she picked up the phone. After her conversation with Russell, she felt even more stressed. She thought about having a drink. She had a bottle of Arbor Mist in the refrigerator but that wasn’t nearly strong enough. She needed some hard liquor like brandy or cognac. She wanted something that would go straight to her head and make her forget everything. 13
Teresa D. Patterson She contemplated what to do about her son. She’d heard the horror stories of what some parents went through once their children became teenagers. It seemed that she wouldn’t be spared. Shaquil hadn’t quite made it to his thirteenth birthday, and he was already cutting up. She’d learned from the assistant principal that Shaquil had been caught in the hallway with two other six graders playing with matches. When spotted, he threw down the matches and ran. Since these incidents had been occurring at the school for some time, the assistant principal felt it should be investigated. She pulled all of the boys involved out of their classes and questioned them. All three received one-day suspensions. She suggested that Audrey sign him up to attend the Pinellas County Juvenile Firesetters Program. Audrey hadn’t even known such a program existed. After agonizing over her problems, she finally retrieved the bottle of Arbor Mist and poured a glass. It wasn’t long before one glass turned into two. She knew that she’d wake up the next morning with a hangover. Cheap liquor always did that to her. But, for the time being, she continued to sip and sulk. *** Russell sat back on her living room couch wearing that holier than thou expression that he always had. He’d just finished having a conversation with Shaquil. 14
In Need of a Joshua Man “That’s the problem with you, you just stop at the surface and don’t try to get to the bottom of what’s going on,” he told her. She wasn’t even listening to him, but pretended that she was. “After digging a little deeper, I found out what he and those other boys were really doing.” Audrey sighed aloud. “They were playing with matches and could have burned the school down,” she said. “At least, that’s what the assistant principal told me,” she added. “She recommended a program for kids who attempt arson.” “Arson? That’s nothing. Knuckle head here-” he indicated Shaquil who sat next to him on the couch. He wore a remorseful look now that his daddy was there. “-was really trying to smoke weed.” “What?” she exclaimed. She crossed her arms and glared at her son. “I know he didn’t.” “Oh, yes he did. He told me that’s what they’d been doing the other times, too. One of the boys came to school with a sack of marijuana and they rolled a joint. They were attempting to smoke it when they got caught.” “He’s twelve years old. His friends couldn’t be any older than him. Where would they get weed?” He gave her an incredulous look. “It’s not hard to get drugs. Drug dealers are on every corner. Besides, his friend’s parents are probably in their early to midtwenties. Most likely, the kid got it from one of his 15
Teresa D. Patterson parents.” He would make such an assumption. What had she expected coming from Russell the snob? Audrey sat back in shock. She couldn’t believe her son had been trying to smoke weed. How many times had she told him about the dangers of drugs and drinking? Had he been listening to anything she’d told him? Apparently he hadn’t. “See, I’ve tried to warn you that something like this would happen. You and your friends having little parties, drinking and smoking around the kids, it’s a wonder he didn’t try weed sooner.” It was just like him to go there. Russell was always so condescending and judgmental. He didn’t even have to try hard at it; it came so naturally. “Oh, it’s my fault?” She couldn’t believe he had the audacity to say that to her face. She really didn’t care about his opinion though. ”What I do is my business. I’m an adult. If I choose to smoke, that’s because I’m grown. He’s a twelve-year old child. He has no business smoking pot.” “Nowadays, it’s not “do as I say, not as I do.” Kids don’t care about that. You’ve got to lead by example. You can’t be drinking and smoking around children. Don’t try to deny it,” he interrupted before she could get the words out. “They pick up on everything. Kids ain’t stupid.” “Well, since I’m such a bad parent, why don’t you take him?” she stated, beginning to get really upset. “I’m not saying you’re a bad parent. But, this is only the beginning. We’ve got to nip this in the bud. 16
In Need of a Joshua Man Call the school and set up a conference with the principal immediately. We’ve got to handle this.” “Maybe if you spent some time with him and didn’t work so damn much, he wouldn’t be acting out,” she snapped. “Don’t try to put this all on me. I have to work. If I don’t make money, I let a lot of people down. Do you know just how many people I got depending on me?” His voice took on that whining edge that she hated. She could sense herself shutting down. His words would come in one ear and go out the other. Blah! Blah! Blah! “If I don’t work, you don’t get your child support. Remember that.” He called that child support? Eighty-one dollars twice a month was like a slap in the face. But, she wasn’t going to complain. If she did, he’d probably cut back on that small amount. It was just like Russell to make her feel worse about her situation. Once he left, she began questioning her capability of being a good parent. Could a single mother raise two boys effectively? Would she able to give them what they needed to become productive members of society? Since she had to do everything alone, would her two sons become stereotypes and statistics? Would they end up in and out of the juvenile detention center, become teen-aged dropouts with no futures? Did their futures include her visiting them every other Sunday at the state penitentiary? She couldn’t let that happen. 17
Teresa D. Patterson Maybe she needed a man in her life, one that could offer her strength and guidance. But, who would that be? She wasn’t currently dating. She didn’t know anyone who could fit the bill. Besides, she’d been alone for so long she couldn’t even picture herself in a relationship. Relationships took time. She’d have to meet somebody, get to know that person, then introduce him to her children. She wasn’t the type to allow just anyone around her kids. The few nights when she’d brought company home, the boys had spent the night with Russell. She let out a deep sigh. She could admit it was hard raising two boys by herself. Sometimes, she wondered how different it would be if she had someone who she could lean on, someone dependable. She didn’t want to chance getting involved with another loser like Curtis. Thank God Bernard and Shaquil had been in Orlando for the summer and hadn’t met him. She’d never have been able to explain to them how mommy had lost her mind. The man of her life definitely wouldn’t be Russell. That relationship was over, done away with, dead. If he weren’t the boy’s daddy, she’d have nothing to do with him. He had a way of making her feel so insignificant. A few words from his mouth could reduce her to nothing. Feeling depressed, she opened the refrigerator, located the Arbor Mist and downed the rest of the 18
In Need of a Joshua Man bottle. Even though she felt light-headed, she couldn’t erase the pain. No amount of drinking could numb her heart.
19