Active Family Magazine - January 2016

JANUARY 2016

5 TIPS

LIFE OUT OF BALANCE? PUT YOURSELF BACK ON THE LIST

for Powering Up Your Parenting in the New Year

BULLY-PROOFING OUR KIDS

Kids LoveShelby Us, J. Smith, DDS,Us MS, PC Parents Trust Pediatric Dentistry and Orthodontics

Kids Love Us, Parents Trust Us Over the past 20 years, Dr. Shelby has developed the reputation for being one of the most successful dentists in treating fearful and special needs children. Her gentle and low-key approach has helped thousands of kids have a great experience.

Working with their parents, Dr. Shelby and her staff have been successful treating many children who otherwise might have been sedated. In addition, Dr. Shelby has a degree in Orthodontics so as her patients grow, the transition into braces is more comfortable. Seeing the smiles on the faces of her patients as they grow from tiny tots to confident teens is one of the great joys of her life.

2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

Call Today for your Appointment 925.755.5115 Meet Pollyanna...

The World’s Smallest Dental Professional

2213 Buchanan Road, Suite 112 Antioch, California 94509 www.DrShelby.com

New campus inJoin Milpitas us for an

Open OPEN HOUSE HOuse Saturday, January 30 10:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m.

Preparing students for their 21st century futures stratford school provides an unparalleled education where children are inspired to be creative problem solvers, innovators, and leaders. These 21st century qualities provide children with the knowledge, confidence, and ingenuity to help them excel in future careers!

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stratfordschools.com/open-house

The curiosity to reach. The courage to grasp.

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Accrediting Commission for Schools

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preschool state License numbers: 073402482, 013417816, 013420588, 434404890, 434408056, 434407977, 434404336, 434406722, 434408877, 384001837, 434410807, 434410816, 073406680, 013420939, 414004014. Š 2015 stratford schools, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Volume 3 / Issue 24

[ PARENTING ] Finding Hope in the Before & After…It’s Not Beyond Repair

8

5 Tips for Powering Up Your Parenting in the New Year

[ HEALTH ]

26

14

Bully-Proofing Our Kids

[ FASHION ]

Life Out of Balance?

Put Yourself Back on the List

30

18

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

7 of the Best Childcare Services the Bay Has to Offer

22

Fitness Guide

Rainy Day Fashion

34

5 Scientific Reasons You Should Choose Your Friends Carefully

[ EVENTS ]

12

20

8 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

34

January Calendar

20

UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospitals Ranked National Leader in 9 Pediatric Specialties U.S. News & World Report Best Children’s Hospitals Rankings 2015-16

From broken bones to a serious illness, a children’s hospital makes all the difference. ucsfredefiningpossible.org

Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Design/Production

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Teresa Agnew Craft

Advertising Sales Managers

Ad Design/Production

April Gentry

Lara Mays

Rachel Macy Stafford Amy Morin Dr. Laura Markham Betsy Brown Braun Dr. Michele Borba

Marketing Assistant Interns Jaida Sinclair Alexis Faria

Fashion Editor Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note Happy New Year! We hope the holidays treated you well! January 1st represents a fresh start, a clean slate and time for new beginnings! We look forward to the year ahead and providing you with all the information you need related family, fashion, entertainment, relationship advice and more! Please be sure to ‘like’ our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/activefamilymag and our website at www.activefamilymag.com.

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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It’s another way we plus you.

1 (800) 4-SUTTER thedoctorforyou.com

Palo Alto Medical Foundation Sutter East Bay Medical Foundation JANUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7

[ PARENTING ]

Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.

Finding Hope in the Before & After … It’s Not Beyond Repair

by Rachel Macy Stafford “Who I am becoming matters more than who I once was.

Today matters more than yesterday.”

-Rachel Macy Stafford Six weeks ago my eight-year-old daughter was fitted with a palatal expander to address several dental issues. In the four visits we’ve had to the orthodontist, one thing never fails to happen. My daughter pauses at the BEFORE and AFTER bulletin board and studies every bright smile, every straightened tooth, every hope-filled gap. As we enter and before we leave, my child stops to study the transformations as I stand beside her quietly. Along this Hands Free journey I’ve learned there are times when I must not rush my child. Standing in front of the BEFORE and AFTER display is one of those times. I let my Noticer look until she is ready to move on.

At home I am required to take a tiny pin key and stick it into minuscule hole inside the expander. My daughter dutifully opens her mouth as wide as it will

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

[ PARENTING ] go, allowing me to see inside the dark cavern of her

would choose these:

mouth. From there, I slowly turn the wheel downward until the next hole appears.

1) Go public – Announce your intentions to family members or a trusted friend to increase accountability. A

As I turn the wheel her upper dental arch expands by a

public declaration might sound like this:

hair. A single hair. You would not think a hair of expansion would hurt, but it does. My child presses her hands

I am making an effort to refrain from using the phone

against her nose in an effort to relieve the pain. Although

while I am driving. I may need your gentle reminders.

there are often tears, she is always brave. I can’t be

Would you help me?

sure, but I think my daughter imagines the AFTER picture during this process. She knows there is a reason for this

I am making an effort to put away my devices from six

pain. And although the transformation cannot be seen

o’clock to nine o’clock each night. Would you like to do

as it is happening, someday it will be seen. And perhaps

this together?

those beginning their own transformations will find inspiration from her BEFORE and AFTER photos.

I am making an effort to use a peaceful response in times of stress and overwhelm. Can you put your hand on your

Around the time my daughter got her expander, I

heart when I am hurting you with my words or tone as a

received a heartbreaking e-mail message from a

reminder of my promise?

blog reader with an especially challenging question.

“Everything is broken in life—my marriage, my

2) Give unrushed goodbyes – Before you separate, hold

relationships with my children, my feelings about myself.

your loved ones for at least ten seconds. Hug them

Where do I start when there is so much to repair?” the

tightly. Inhale their scents. Tell them you love them no

reader asked desperately.

matter what happened before that goodbye. You will never regret giving a ten second goodbye, and the

I was not able to form an answer to this dear reader for

impact of this daily action on your relationships will be

many weeks. It wasn’t until my child and I stood at the

profound.

BEFORE and AFTER display most recently that I knew what I would tell this woman yearning to bring joy and

3) Make eye contact – Whenever loved ones walk into

connection back to her life.

the room, put down whatever you are doing and show them you are happy to see them. This might mean

I would say this:

stopping in the middle of reading a text message to

Where do you start when there is so much to repair? My

smile and say hi. It might mean pausing while you are

friend, you have already begun. Those painful words you

making dinner, watching a television show, or sending

typed while your hands shook—that was your first step.

an e-mail to look into their eyes and greet them. Keep

You have taken that painful look inward to acknowledge

in mind, that unfinished task will be still be there in two

action is needed. You opened wide even though you

minutes. Making it a habit to briefly pause and delight

knew it might hurt to see the true state of the situation.

in your loved one’s presence is very beneficial to your

But this is where the transformation, the repair, and the

relationship. As an added bonus, your children will learn

healing begin. Those little tiny turns, those fraction-of-a-

an important social skill and common courtesy that is

hair movements you will make to become more present

growing increasingly rare in our culture.

and more connected will someday make up the AFTER version of yourself. My friend, you have already begun.

4) Act like the person you want to become – When I

Let us take the next small steps.

wanted to become a more patient person who slowed down to listen, I emulated my second grade teacher,

It was my own painful look inward, my own difficult

Ms. Paluska, during critical moments with my loved

truths that served as the starting point of my Hands Free

ones. At bedtime, at mealtime, while out for a walk, and

journey. And if I had to suggest six small adjustments or

when the kids hopped in the car afterschool, I tried to

steps for this woman to incorporate in her daily routine, I

consistently do what Ms. Paluska did: I smiled. I nodded. I JANUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[[ PARENTING ] SEASONAL FUN ] asked thoughtful questions and listened. Over time, those

hadn’t noticed any change as I turned the expander

critical moments of togetherness became “our time”

wheel religiously over the past several weeks. It was not

and my loved ones looked forward to these undistracted

until the doctor flashed the BEFORE picture on the screen

daily rituals as much as I did.

that I could see the progress. Those fraction-of-a-hair movements were indeed making a difference! Looking

5) Be kind to yourself – Start loving yourself “as is” by avoiding the mirror, posting positive notes from loved ones or inspiring quotes on the walls of your home, throwing on a hat before you go out instead of criticizing your appearance, or wearing a physical reminder like this bracelet that says, “Only Love Today”. By making it a habit to extend patience and kindness to yourself, you are better able to extend patience and kindness to others on a regular basis.

6) Recite a daily mantra or prayer when guilt and regret overwhelm you – When I began taking small steps to be more present in my life, I quickly realized how many

back at where my child started made it possible to see the progress that had already occurred.

As my daughter and I made our way to the exit door, she made her usual stop at the BEFORE and AFTER display.

“I wonder where they will put my picture,” she said surveying the board filled with satisfied patients.

She’d never said that before. Perhaps it was the first time she believed she would have a spot on this board.

Maybe she couldn’t see it before, but after seeing her progress today, the future held real possibilities.

precious moments I’d missed in my distracted state.

Wallowing in regret was my natural tendency, but that

“There’s a Whole Foods around the corner,” I said as we

only sabotaged the current moment as well. I wrote this

buckled ourselves into the car. “Want to go for a treat?”

mantra to help focus on what I could control:

A look of concern crossed my child’s face. I knew she was thinking about getting back to school just like I’d

Who I am becoming matters more than who I once was.

briefly thought about the work I had yet to do. But within

Today matters more than yesterday.

a few seconds the worry was replaced with look of joyful understanding. “Oh yeah! We need to celebrate, don’t

Incorporating these six small actions into my daily routine

we?”

increased the opportunity to bond with family members and silence the inner critic that often sabotaged my

A few minutes later we sat side by side as busy shoppers

moments that mattered. Through these actions, I began

rolled past with their carts. My daughter appeared to

to know my loved ones by their book. I found what words healed, what words lifted, and what words strengthened the bond between us. This renewed connection became my anchor that helped me stay the course on my Hands Free journey even in times of doubt and challenge. Those six steps were integral to my initial transformation and are still in practice today, nearly five years later.

But just in case I needed one final confirmation that small, daily actions hold the power to transform, my child’s orthodontist provided it.

be deep in thought as she picked off small bites of her pastry so it didn’t get stuck in her appliance.

“I couldn’t have done this by myself,” she said unexpectedly.

I almost asked for clarification, but I didn’t. I knew she was talking about the appliance in her mouth and me— me being there, all there, throughout the entire process.

We both know there was a time in my life when I might have been there, but not in the way that mattered.

On our most recent office visit, the doctor peered into my daughter’s mouth and immediately noticed an

I immediately covered her hand with mine and recited

improvement. “Wow! Look at this!” the doctor exclaimed

a prayer of gratitude. Never had I been so thankful for

excitedly.

fraction-of-a-hair movements that become anchors— anchors that fix crooked teeth and restore connections

I jumped up from my seat and looked in curiously. I 10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

that once seemed beyond repair.

[ SEASONAL ACTIVE FAMILY FUN ]

JANUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

5 Scientific Reasons You Should Choose Your Friends Carefully

by Amy Morin Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, psychology instructor, and speaker. Her book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do is on sale now. She’s frequently quoted in national media outlets.

She also writes for Forbes and About.com. For more visit AmyMorinLCSW.com

Throughout adulthood, it’s easy to lose touch with old friends and it can be hard to develop new friendships. The digital age has complicated this process as well by changing the way friends interact. As phone calls have been exchanged for text messages and social media has replaced the need for face-to-face interaction, gatherings with friends often become fewer and farther between.

But there’s growing evidence that genuine friendships may be very important in terms of your personal and professional life. Even as an adult, friends can have a big influence over how you feel, think, and behave. Here are five reasons you should maintain healthy friendships: 1. Strong-willed friends can help increase your self-control. If you struggle to resist temptation, surrounding yourself with people who possess a high degree of selfdiscipline can help. A 2013 study published in Psychological Science reports that when people are running low on self-control, they often seek out self-disciplined people to boost their willpower.

Since self-control is vital to reaching long-term goals, befriending people with willpower could be the secret to success. Whether you’re tempted to skip that workout at the gym, or you’re considering blowing this month’s budget, a friend with high self-control can motivate you to maintain healthy habits.

2. Having fewer friends increases the likelihood that you’ll take financial risks.

When people lack adequate social interaction, they’re more likely to take bigger risks with money, according to a study published in the June 2013 issue of Journal

12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] of Consumer Research. Researchers discovered this was especially true for people who were feeling lonely or rejected.

Whether you’re dealing with a recent break-up, a fallout with family, or a failed business venture, be aware of how your emotions may affect your spending habits.

Uncomfortable emotions can certainly increase the chances that you’ll behave more recklessly than usual, which may not be wise for your financial future.

3. Too many connections on social media may increase your stress level. When it comes to social media, “the more the merrier” may not be a good approach. A report from the University of Edinburgh Business School discovered that more Facebook friends means more stress. Researchers found that having an abundance of social media connections leads people to worry about offending others.

Stress arises as people try to present a version of themselves online that will be acceptable to all their social media contacts. While your college buddies may enjoy publicly discussing that “weekend in Vegas,” your parents and your co-workers may be less than impressed by those stories. So before you begin adding everyone you can to your social circle, remember that research shows having too many “friends” on Facebook can be anxiety provoking.

indulgences. Researchers discovered that when it came to resisting temptations – like eating chocolate – sometimes friends were more likely to become partners in crime as they decided to indulge together.

Friends can help bring out the best in you without expecting perfection. They can remind you not to take life too seriously, as well as give you that much needed boost when you’re feeling discouraged.

Prioritizing Friendship Friends are likely to come and go throughout the seasons of your life. Job changes, moving to a new city, and becoming a parent are among the many things that may shift the friendships in your life. The demands of life and a busy career can move friends to the bottom of the priority list at times.

It may be wise however, to re-evaluate the role friends play in your life. If spending quality time with friends isn’t high on your to-do list, it may make sense to schedule a get-together sooner rather than later. After all, friends impact not just the quality of your life, but perhaps even the length of it.

4. Close friends could be the secret to longevity. When older adults have close confidants, they’re likely to live longer, according to a study conducted by Australia’s Flinders University. After following 1,500 people for 10 years, researchers discovered that people with a large network of friends outlived their counterparts by 22%.

Other studies touting the health benefits of friendship have shown people with cancer live longer when they attend support groups. Close friendships can help ward off depression and boost immunity as well. So while it may be tempting to think that friends are sometimes more trouble than they’re worth, clearly, having close friends can be one of the best things you can do for your health.

5. Friends can greatly influence your choices. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that friends often bond by providing one another with moral support to resist a temptation. However, friends also commonly conspire together to enjoy JANUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ HEALTH ]

Fitness Guide Alameda County DUBLIN Fitness 2000 They have a spacious building and tons of equipment including a weight room, a Jacuzzi, a sauna, a kids’ area, and more!

7373 Village Pkwy | 925.828.1234 www.dublinfitness2000.com Resolutions Fitness Resolutions Fitness provides a variety of services. At home personal training, triathlon training, boot camps, weight loss programs, strength training and more.

7100 Village Pkwy | 925.230.8579 www.resolutionsfitness.net

LifestyleRX LifeStyleRx, is a 70,000-square-foot wellness center providing comprehensive, medical-based, high-quality education and fitness services to their members. Through their programs and services, they provide members the opportunity to achieve their maximum health, fitness and well-being potential.

1119 E. Stanley Blvd | 925.454.6342 | www.lifestylerx.com 24 Hour Fitness – Super Sport The Livermore health club offers a wide range of group exercise classes, personal training and a wealth of other benefits and features. Whether you plan to lose weight, tone-up, or train for a big event, the Livermore club offers a wide variety of gym memberships. They also offer a Kid’s Club to keep the kids entertained while you work out!

2650 Kitthawk Road | 925.447.4496 | www.24hourfitness.com

FREMONT Mind Body Zone Offers personal training, body sculpting, piloxing, circuit training, private yoga and pilates instruction, state-of-theart equipment, and unique workshops. Classes available are: Pilates, yoga, and body sculpting.

3335 Seldon Court | 510.252.1193 | www.mindbody-zone.com ClubSport Fremont Their 12,000 square foot state-of-the-art fitness center is filled with the latest cardio, circuit, and free weight equipment to keep you in shape and help you reach your goals quickly and effectively. With over 90 cardiovascular machines, chances are you’ll never have to wait to work up a sweat.

46650 Landing Parkway | 510.226.8500 www.clubsports.com Snap Fitness 24-7 Snap Fitness club amenities provide member 24 hour access, free weighs, personal training, nutrition consultants and more.

43480 Mission Blvd Ste. #160 | 510.226.7627 www.snapfitness.com

LIVERMORE Anytime Fitness Cardio equipment, strength equipment, personal training, wellness programs, tanning, and new yoga classes! A variety of classes are available.

1855 Holmes Street | 925.292.7196 | www.anytimefitness.com

14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

PLEASANTON Bikram Yoga/Studio Bikram Yoga Pleasanton is a 4934 square foot facility offering Bikram’s Beginning Hatha Yoga Classes. They have practice rooms with state-of-the-art heating & humidification systems that maintain even temperatures during class and controls humidity levels. They also have shower facilities for men & women and a spacious reception/retail area.

3283 Bernal Avenue Suite # 109 | 925.426.0460 www.bikramyogapleasanton.com 24 Hour Fitness—Super Sport The Pleasanton health club offers a wide range of group exercise classes, personal training and a wealth of other benefits and features. Whether you plan to lose weight, toneup, or train for a big event, the Pleasanton club offers a wide variety of gym memberships. They also offer a Kid’s Club to keep the kids entertained while you work out!

4770 Willow Road | 925.463.1515 | www.24hourfitness.com

[ HEALTH ] ClubSport Pleasanton State of the art weight and cardio equipment, certified personal trainers, nutrition counseling, rock wall and climbing area.

10 indoor tennis courts, 4 outdoor tennis courts, 8 indoor racquetball/ handball courts, 6 land outdoor deep water lap pool, exercise pool, children’s wading pool. 9000 sq. ft. Kids World including age appropriate activities, fitness and exercise center.

7090 Johnson Drive | 925.463.2822 | www.clubsports.com

ANTIOCH 24 Hour Fitness – Sport The 24 Hour Fitness Sport in Antioch offers Cardio Equipment, free weights, indoor lap pool, Group Exercise and classes and much more. Drop the Kids off at the Kid’s Club to have fun while you work out.

2632 Somersville Road | 925.753.1533 www.24hourfitness.com

Downtown Yoga Downtown Yoga is an award-winning Yoga Alliance Registered Yoga Studio - has conducted over 20,000 yoga classes to thousands of people within and around the San Francisco Bay Area since 2002. They offer precise, knowledgeable and safe instruction to all levels and ages of students. Open 7-days a week, they have Introduction to yoga programs, classes for Beginners to Intermediate to Advanced students, kids programs, Prenatal yoga and Senior and Teen discounts.

220 Division Street | 925.819.9983 | www.pleasantonyoga.com Elite Training Center Elite Training has various specialized programs for advanced athletes, one on one personalized training for individuals with specific goals and boxing classes. Whether your goal is simply to get in shape with some of their fun Strength and Conditioning classes or engage one of their personal trainers, Elite has what you are looking for. Elite Center provides the entire family a supportive environment where you can get fit and healthy together.

1279 Quarry Ln | 925.967.3265 | www.elitetrainingca.com Tri-Valley Trainer Tri Valley Trainer exists for the sole purpose of helping to advance the cause, the quality and the popularity of the wellness lifestyle. They do that through: Private training for individual clients TRIAD ™ small group training combining cardio, strength and core in one fun, challenging time-efficient workout and periodic collaborative workshops with other wellness practitioners (medical, chiropractic, psychological, dietary, physical therapy, etc.).

3724 Stanley Blvd | 925.413.2268 | www.trivalleytrainer.com

In-Shape In-Shape is a premier health spa and family fitness center.

Take a refreshing swim in their sparkling indoor or outdoor swimming pools, try a free group exercise class like Bikaraoke or Drums Alive, or challenge friends to a game of racquetball.

Help build flexibility, muscle strength and endurance in their Pilates studio. They also have a Kids Club with a huge play maze and interactive games, tanning beds, steam rooms and much more.

4099 Lone Tree Way | 925.331.3065 | www.inshapeclubs.com

Contra Costa County

BRENTWOOD

ALAMO

Anytime Fitness Cardio equipment, strength equipment, personal training, wellness programs, tanning, and new yoga classes! A variety of classes are available.

7750 Brentwood Blvd Suite E | 925.513.7001 www.anytimefitness.com

24 Hour Fitness —Active Cardio Equipment, circuit training, free weights and personal training. 24 Hour Fitness Alamo offers a state-of-the-art facility that has just about every feature you could wish for in a gym membership. The Alamo health club offers a wide range of group exercise classes, personal training and a wealth of other benefits and features. Whether you plan to lose weight, toneup, or train for a big event, the Alamo club offers a wide variety of gym memberships and a Kid’s Club.

140 Alamo Plaza | 925.362.1730 | www.24hourfitness.com

Delta Valley Athletic Club Delta Valley offers over 50 fun fitness classes like aerobics, spinning, and dancing. Their onsite preschool provides students with developmentally-appropriate activities that encourage academic, social and emotional growth. Other fun amenities include personal training, steam rooms and saunas.

120 Guthrie Lane | 925.240.2990 | www.deltavac.com

JANUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ HEALTH ]

Fitness Guide In-Shape In-Shape is a premier health club in Concord and your destination for family fun! Take a refreshing swim in our outdoor pool, try a FREE group exercise or cycling class or challenge friends to a game of racquetball or basketball. With a wide assortment of cardio machines, a full array of resistance equipment and free weights, exclusive Yoga and Pilates studios, a 29-Minute Circuit®, certified Personal Trainers, an amazing Kids Club, saunas, steam rooms and tanning beds, you’ll see why In-Shape is like a getaway resort - without the travel!

180 Griffith Lane | 925.513.8700 | www.inshapeclubs.com

The Big C The Big C offers programs like Pilates, Indoor Cycling, Zumba, Yoga, Step, Fit 2 The Core (F2C), TRX and many more. They also offer executive lockers, weight room, swimming pool, sports courts, exercise studios and sauna and steam rooms.

1381 Galaxy Way | 925.671.2110 | www.thebigc.com UFC Offering a full-range of group fitness classes, private MMA training, personal and group dynamic training, plus MMA style youth programming, UFC GYM creates something for all ages and fitness levels. Be sure to check out their Childcare!

1975 Diamond Blvd. | 925.265.8130 | www.ufcgym.com

DANVILLE The Studio With more than 120 classes offered each week, personalized training and expert advice on health and fitness The Studio can help you get exactly what you need. Some of the fun and innovative classes available are: Yoga, Pilates, Cycle, TRX, Kettlebell (coming soon), Barre, Outdoor training/boot camps, Toning/sculpting, Walk/hike club and Running club.

730 Camino Ramon #200 | 925.838.9200 www.thestudiolife.com

CLAYTON Clayton Fitness Center Clayton Fitness offers a variety of health and fitness training along with personal training, weight training, Olympic training and Coach’s Terry’s Bootcamp.

1516 Kirker Pass Rd. | 925.672.2010 www.claytonfitnesscenter.com

CONCORD In Shape In-Shape offers top of the line equipment, basketball and racquetball courts, yoga and Pilate’s studio, and an outdoor pool. They also have an amazing Kids Club.

5294 Clayton Rd | 925.602.5600 | www.inshapeclubs.com

16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

Crunch Fitness Crunch Fitness has a variety of amenities available to its members. Personal training, TRX, Studio, hundreds of classes, personal training, yoga, childcare and much more!

3464 Blackhawk Plaza | 925.272.5600 | www.crunch.com Danville Fitness Danville Fit has something for everyone. Group X classes, personal training, childcare and locker rooms. Danville Fit’s personal trainers focus on strengthening your core, improving balance and correcting your posture through fat reducing, total-body workouts and functional resistance training.

101 Town and County Dr. | 925.743.3919 www.danville-fit.com Fit Personal Studio The Fit Studio staff has a passion for health and fitness and offer their clients training customized for their individual needs. Fit Studio’s personalized health and fitness programs focus on cardiovascular fitness, strength, flexibility, endurance, and balance. One-on-one personal training, Pilates training and small group sessions are available.

294-B Railroad Ave | 925.362.8001 www.fitstudiodanville.com

[ HEALTH ] LAFAYETTE

WALNUT CREEK

Absolute Center Absolute Center offers personal training and classes in Fitness, Pilates, Yoga, Barre, Suspension and more.

3658 Mt. Diablo Blvd | 925.299.9642 www.absolutecenter.net

East Bay Fitness East Bay Fitness is the Bootcamp of all Bootcamps! Using the entire beautiful Heather Farms Park terrain, they spend an action packed hour challenging your body in the most safe and efficient way to sculpt and strengthen your physique.

301 N San Carlos Drive | 925.364.0296 www.myeastbayfitness.com

Oakwood Athletic Club Oakwood’s Fitness Center is filled with the latest in resistance and cardiovascular equipment. Their free weight room has everything required to satisfy the needs of veteran weight lifters. To complement their selection of resistance-training equipment, they offer Cybex selectorized machines, and a complete line of Free Motion pieces.

4000 Mt. Diablo Blvd | 925.283.4000 www.oakwoodathlecticclub.com

Forma Gym Forma Gym offers 4 unique studios: Mind-Body Studio, Group Exercise Studio, Cycle Studio and a Pilates Reformer Studio.

They also offer an active and educational Kid’s Club.

1908 Olympic Blvd | 925.932.6400 | www.formagym.com

OAKLEY Diamond Hills Sports Club & Spa Diamond Hills Sports Club and Spa is an extraordinary fitness and racquet club. It is an active, family-oriented club where members can meet, make friends and participate in exceptional fitness, recreational and social activities.

1510 Neroly Rd. | 925.420.4575 | www.sparetimeclubs.com

SAN RAMON IM=X Pilates Studio IM=X (Integrated Movement Xercize) is a new generation of Pilates and cardio inspired workouts enjoyed by hundreds of thousands of exercise enthusiasts who proclaim its “immediate results”! Founder, Elyse McNergney, created IM=X to offer a total fitness approach - one that integrates pilates exercises with strength and cardiovascular training.

2410 San Ramon Valley Blvd #112 | 925.791.5040 www.imxbayarea.com 24 Hour Fitness—Super Sport The San Ramon health club offers a wide range of group exercise classes, personal training and a wealth of other benefits and features. Some of their amenities include Kid’s Club, TRZ Suspension training, juice bar, and cardio equipment.

4450 Norris Canyon Road | 925.244.9855 www.24hourfitness.com ClubSport San Ramon ClubSport San Ramon offers over 80 thousand square feet of fitness facilities, including 8 full-lit tennis courts, a yearround heated pool, indoor racquetball and squash and much more. ClubSport San Ramon offers kid’s classes, such as karate, soccer and gymnastics which are included with your Membership.

350 Bollinger Canyon Lane | 925.735.8500 www.clubsportsr.com Fitness 19 Fitness 19 offers cardio equipment, circuit training, free weights and a kid’s room.

160 Market Place | 925.327.1919 | www.fitness19.com

Lynch Fitness At Lynch Fitness, they specialize in functional training and circuit training. This means you aren’t lifting heavy weights, or doing limited movements on machines. Their nationally certified trainers will have you working with TRX equipment, rubber bands, bosu balls, ropes, and focus on keeping your entire body moving and activated during each workout.

1530 S Main Street | 925.482.0696 | www.lynchfitness.com Renaissance ClubSport A full-service sports club. Offers cardio and weight training center, group classes, pilates, personal trainers, sports courts, aquatics, kids programs, Spa, Restaurant, Pro shop and more!

2805 Jones Road | 925.938.8700 www.renaissanceclubsport.com Snap Fitness 24/7 Snap Fitness of Walnut Creek is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week to service all of your fitness needs. They have state of the art equipment, personal trainers, and friendly staff to help with anything needed.

1533A Palos Verdes Mall | 925.938.8006 www.snapfitness.com Curves Women’s only gym offering Cardio and strength equipment incorporating circuit training.

Multiple Bay Area locations | www.curves.com

VARIOUS EAST BAY LOCATIONS: Orange Theory Fitness Orange Theory Fitness provides a variety of services. They’re top-of-the-line equipment, upbeat music and motivational trainers make the Orangetheory Fitness environment the most energetic fitness environment around. www.orangetheoryfitness.com

JANUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

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Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

Life Out of Balance?

Put Yourself Back on the List

by Dr. Laura Markham “I know one thing for sure. It is impossible to find one’s own balance from the outside in. I now know beyond a doubt that finding—and maintaining—our balance is an inside job.” – Lu Hanessian When you’re at home with your family, you have a running list. Change the baby, feed the toddler, teach the preschooler to pick up her toys, get the elementary schooler to do his homework, help the tween braid her hair, negotiate with the teen, make dinner, fold laundry, pay the bills, email your boss, connect with your partner... the list never stops. But have you fallen off your own list?

The only way to keep your cup full in the constant vortex of parenting is to tend to yourself even while you tend to your child. That’s why we need to train ourselves. Throughout your day, can you make it a priority to check in with yourself?

Often, we’re surprised to realize that we deny our desires automatically, without even noticing it. Maybe we’d love a cup of tea while we help our child with that project but “it’s too much trouble.” Maybe we really need a hug or a good cry. Maybe we’re tempted to pick up a crayon and enjoy expressing our creativity while our child is coloring, but we’d feel silly. Or maybe we simply need a quick visit to the bathroom, but we routinely wait until we absolutely can’t delay any longer.

Starting today, put what you need on the list and do it as soon as you can.

Yes, it is possible. Here’s how.

1. Today, at the same time that you’re taking care of your child, check in with

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

[ PARENTING ] yourself. Notice what you need. Is there anything you can give yourself right now that would help you stay in balance? Sure, you need to tend to your child. But tend to yourself at the same time, or as soon as possible. I know you can’t buy a ticket to go to Hawaii, but at each moment there is some small thing that would nurture you physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Find it and give it to yourself.

If there’s something you really need that you aren’t getting, like sleep, make a plan. Let’s say your infant wakes up all night and you have a toddler to tend to during the day. It’s not doing your toddler any good for you to drag yourself through your life feeling resentful.

You don’t need to be a martyr. Figure out a way to get the help you need, even just a step in the right direction.

That will give you the momentum to take another step.

2. Make it a habit to tune into yourself as often as possible throughout your day. If you work outside the home, this is usually easier to do in the course of the day, but most of us don’t do it. We get hooked on the adrenaline of rushing. But you’ll be better at your job if you get into the habit of being more present. And if you’re home with children, it’s essential. When we’re distracted, children act out to get us to come back into the moment to connect with them. They respond to our presence by wanting to “follow” us. How? Just take a deep breath and let it flood your body with well being.

Breathe in calm, breathe out stress. Simply being present with yourself is an essential form of “attention” that we all need.

3. Before you pick up your child at daycare, or walk into the house, stop. Take a deep breath and ask yourself “What do you need right now, Sweetie?” Listen to whatever answer pops up. Make a deal with yourself about when you can meet that need, and how you will do it. For instance, if the answer you hear is “Love” you’ll want to find a way to work some snuggle time with your child and/or your spouse into your evening. If the answer is “A break!” you may want to order pizza for dinner and put everyone to bed early so you can take a long bath.

Of course, if you get the same answer every day, you may need to make some structural changes in your life.

many of those moments are full of joy, if you choose to simply enjoy them, and let the pressure go for a bit. Your life doesn’t have to be perfect for you to soak in every moment of goodness you can.

5. Parent yourself. Whose job is it to nurture you? Yours.

Spouses, partners, friends and families are companions on the journey, but we can only take in from them what we’re able to give to ourselves. If you weren’t nurtured enough as a little one, this may take some learning. Start by talking to yourself like someone you love. Nurture yourself through the hard times. Acknowledge just how hard it all is, and how hard you try. You don’t need to be perfect. You are more than enough, exactly as you are.

You deserve all the tenderness you would shower on a newborn baby.Giving that love to ourselves transforms our parenting – and our lives. Ok, so when the baby’s crying and you yourself need a good cry, it’s true that the baby comes first. But tuning into yourself and embracing yourself with love at the same time – and crying, if you need to – will make you both feel better.

For today, just notice your internal barometer as you put yourself back on your list. 1 is depleted, 10 is a full cup.

How are you doing? What one thing can you do right now to give yourself more support?

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4. Slow down and show up. Often we’re so focused on the list that we forget to really live. But this is the only chance you get in this body, and your child really will be grown in the blink of an eye. If you’re too busy to revel in your child’s natural joy, you’re turning up your nose at the fuel that keeps you going as a parent. What happened to that joyful, exuberant person inside you?

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[ EVENTS ]

January Alameda County JANUARY 1 New Years Day

JANUARY 1-3 Winter Weeks Lawrence Hall of Science Berkeley 10:00am – 5:00pm www.lawrencehallofscience.org/ visit/events/winter_weeks Zoolights Oakland Zoo Oakland 5:30pm – 9:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org

JANUARY 1-31 Unearthed: Found + Made Oakland Museum of California Oakland Times Vary www.museumca.org

JANUARY 3 Free First Sunday Oakland Museum of California Oakland 11:00am – 5:00pm www.museumca.org

JANUARY 5 Tilden Tots Tilden Nature Area 10:20am – 12:00pm www.ebparks.org

JANUARY 9

JANUARY 9 - 10

JANUARY 30

Imagine the Sky Tonight Lawrence Hall of Science Berkeley 11:30am – 1:30pm www.lawrencehallofscience.org

New Volunteer Information Meeting Oakland Zoo Oakland 10:00am www.oaklandzoo.org/Volunteer.php

JANUARY 10 Teddy Bear Tea With Friends Oakland Zoo Oakland 9:30am – 12:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org

JANUARY 15 Chabot $5 Friday Admissions Chabot Space & Science Center Oakland 5:00pm – 10:00pm www.chabotspace.org

JANUARY 16 Very First Concerts: Plus One Oakland Public Library Main Branch Oakland 1:30 – 2:45 www.thesfco.org/events/veryfirst

JANUARY 16 & 23 Harlem Globetrotters Oracle Arena Oakland 2:00pm & 7:00pm www.harlemglobetrotters.com

JANUARY 18 Martin Luther King Day

JANUARY 23

Little Explorers Workshop: Tails and Whiskers Lawrence Hall of Science Berkeley 10:00am – 11:00am www.lawrencehallofscience.org

Marvelous Monarchs Ardenwood Historic Farm Fremont 12:20pm – 1:30pm www.ebparks.org

The Okee Dokee Brothers Freight & Salvage Berkeley 11:00am www.freightandsalvage.org/okeedokee-bros

Bad Kitty on Stage Freight & Salvage Oakland 11:00am – 5:00pm www.bactheatre.org

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

JANUARY 23 – 24 & 30-31

JANUARY 30 - 31 Bay Area International Children’s Film Festival Chabot Space & Science Center Oakland 10:00am – 6:00pm www.baicff.com

JANUARY 31 Wintery Afternoon Nature Walk Tilden Nature Area Berkeley 2:00pm – 3:30pm www.ebparks.org

Contra Costa County JANUARY 1 New Years Day Polar Bear Ice Polooza Civic Park Walnut Creek 11:00am – 1:00pm www.iceskatewalnutcreek.com Family Friendly New Years Eve Party Playland Not-At-The-Beach El Cerrito 8:00pm – 12:30am www.playland-not-at-the-beach. org

JANUARY 1-3 Wacky Winter Wonderland Playland Not-At-The-Beach El Cerrito 10:00am – 5:00pm www.playland-not-at-the-beach.org

[ EVENTS ]

January JANUARY 1-18

JANUARY 13

JANUARY 30

Walnut Creek on Ice Civic Park Walnut Creek Times Vary www.iceskatewalnutcreek.com

Toying With Science Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 9:30am www.lesherartscenter.org

Educational Open Play Studio Grow Blackhawk Danville 10:00am – 2:00pm www.studiogrow.com

JANUARY 2

JANUARY 16 – 17

JANUARY 31

Free Kids Workshops The Home Depot El Cerrito 9:00am – 12:00pm www.workshops.homedepot.com

Diablo Valley Lines Weekend Show Larkey Park Walnut Creek 11:00am – 6:00pm www.wcmrs.org

Ghost Golf 4383 Clayton Road Concord 11:30am – 9:00pm www.ghostgolfconcord.com

JANUARY 3 Dad’s Day Bounce Farm Martinez 10:00am – 2:00pm www.bouncefarmfun.com

JANUARY 6 Walnut Creek First Wednesdays Cypress Street Walnut Creek 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com

JANUARY 7-28 Super Animal Senses Lindsay Wildlife Experience Walnut Creek 10:30am – 11:30am www.lindsaywildlife.org

JANUARY 8 Unique Derique!

Village Theatre Danville 10:00am www.thebuddyclub.com Ingenuity Lab Pleasant Hill Library Pleasant Hill 11:00am – 12:00pm www.ccclib.org

JANUARY 9 Frosty & Friends Civic Park Walnut Creek 11:00am – 1:00pm www.iceskatewalnutcreek.com

JANUARY 17 Walnut Creek Farmers Market 1737 Locust Street Walnut Creek 9:00am – 1:00pm www.cccfm.org Exploring Pine Creek Diablo Foothills Regional Park Walnut Creek 10:00am – 12:00pm www.ebparks.org Kids Belay Diablo Rock Gym Concord 11:30am – 3:30pm www.touchstoneclimbing.com/ diablorock

JANUARY 18 Martin Luther King Day

JANUARY 22- 24 Thoroughly Modern Millie, Jr Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek Times Vary www.lesherartscenter.org

Out of Area JANUARY 1-3 Holiday in The Park Six Flags Discovery Kingdom Vallejo 12:00pm – 9:00pm www.sixflags.com/discoverykingdom Tis the Season for Science California Academy of Science San Francisco Times Vary www.calacademy.org

JANUARY 15 - 16 Penguins and Pajamas Sleepover California Academy of Sciences San Francisco 6:00pm – 8:00pm www.calacademy.org

Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

JANUARY 16 Children’s China Opening Day Bay Area Discovery Museum Sausalito 9:00am – 4:00pm www.BayKidsMuseum.org/exhibitions

JANUARY 25 Mini Monday: Colorful Critters Lindsay Wildlife Experience Walnut Creek 10:00an – 12:00pm www.lindsaywildlife.org

JANUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

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7 of the Best Childcare Services the Bay Has to Offer COLLEGE NANNIES AND TUTORS 925.550.6738 www.collegenanniesandtutors.com/danvilleca The Danville and Lamorinda College Nannies & Tutors Placement Centers have been Building Stronger Families since 2009. Whether your family needs the quality care that comes from one of their role model nannies or one-on-one attention from one of their College Tutors, they are committed to helping you build a stronger family.

AUPAIR CARE 800.428.7247 | www.aupaircare.com AuPairCare is an award winning au pair agency dedicated to matching host families in the U.S. with international au pairs who provide live-in childcare.

They are passionate about quality childcare and value cultural exchange first and foremost.

A NANNY CONNECTION 925.743.0587 | www.nannyconnection.com A Nanny Connection is an award winning nanny agency selecting highly qualified, trusted professionals to serve the needs of families. Since the beginning in 1996 their mission has been to create secure and cherished relationships between families and their caregivers while remaining personally committed to every placement at every step along the way.

CULTURAL CARRAU PAIR 800.333.6056 | www.culturalcare.com For over 20 years, Cultural Care Au Pair has helped host families across the country secure childcare that provides flexibility, trust and cultural exchange. Their families love welcoming au pairs year after year. Browse their website for the largest selection of au pairs online or contact them for more information.

SITTERCITY 866.205.5635 | www.sittercity.com Whether she’s a native Spanish speaker, has patience with tricky math problems, specializes in infant care, or even all of the above, the best sitter is different for every family. Sittercity is focused on connecting each family with the one who best matches their needs.

A NANNY SOLUTION 408.981.0504 | www.anannysolution.com A Nanny solution aims to provide families with quality childcare by sticking close to their beliefs: “It takes one to know one”. This agency sets itself apart from others by being run by parents who understand how important reliable childcare is. Helping parents and children find fulfillment and achieve their highest potential is a great passion for them.

URBANSITTER www.urbansitter.com Founded by four busy parents, UrbanSitter is an online resource where parents go to find and book babysitters recommended by people they know. UrbanSitter will find available sitters—and show you the ones recommended by parents in your social circles (mother’s group, child’s school, sports team, etc.). Search sitters by date and time, book jobs, and even pay online—it’s quick, easy and efficient.

CARE.COM 877.227.3115 | www.care.com At some point, every person and every family will have care needs, be it for children, seniors, pets or even homes. Whatever the reason Care sticks to their mission of: improving the lives of families and caregivers by helping them connect in a reliable and easy way.

WONDERSITTER 415.912.8300 | www.wondersitter.com Wonderful Sitters, Wonderful Service! It is through the celebration of that one word, W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L, that Wondersitter has earned the trust and respect of loved families. An acronym for their core principles, W-O-N-DE-R-F-U-L is a constant reminder of parents’ expectations.

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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An Environment for Discovery and Learning for Children For the love of learning since 1972

Come learn about Fountainhead's various programs at our Open Houses Danville Campus: 939 El Pintado Road Wednesday, January 28th 5:30pm-7:30pm Pleasant Hill Campus: 490 Golf Club Road Monday, January 12th 5:00pm-7:00pm Orinda Campus: 30 Santa Maria Way Friday, January 16th 5:00pm-7:00pm

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Dublin Campus: 6665 Amador Plaza Road Wednesday, January 21st 6:00pm-8:00pm Pre-K/K Information Night Wednesday, February 4th 5:30pm Livermore Campus: 949 Central Avenue Saturday, January 31st 10:00am-12:00pm

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[ PARENTING ]

Betsy Brown Braun, best selling author of Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents (HarperCollins) and You’re Not The Boss Of Me: Brat proofing Your Four To Twelve Year Old (HarperCollins), is a child development and behavior specialist, parent educator, multiple birth parenting consultant, and founder of Parenting Pathways®, Inc. Her parenting expertise has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, U.S. News & World Report, Real Simple, American Baby, Cookie, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, In Style, Parenting, Parents, Pregnancy and Newborn, Twins, Woman’s Day, and, Working Mother, Colorado Parent Magazine, Ohio Valley Parent Magazine among other publications.

She has shared her expertise on the Today Show multiple times.

Other television appearances have included Dr. Phil, Rachael Ray, The Early Show, Good Morning America, Entertainment Tonight, Fox & Friends, Hallmark’s Home and Family, KCBS, KNBC, and Fox News LA. She contributes to KNX news radio on child development, and has been a guest on countless radio programs nationwide, including NPR. www.betsybrownbraun.com

5 Tips for Powering Up Your Parenting in the New Year

by Betsy Brown Braun As the big hand creeps its way toward midnight, most people give at least a fleeting thought to New Year resolutions. Those usually have to do with eating or exercise or a nagging behavior ripe for modification. And we all know how long those last: Not very. Instead, let’s talk about resolving to make some changes in your parenting–small adjustments that you can do and keep up, that will make a big difference in your life with your child.

Even the best (whatever that means!) of parents, has a list of things she thinks she could do better as a parent—not yell so much, get home earlier at night, be more patient. I’ll bet you have at least one of those on your own list, right?

Here are 5 parenting tips for the coming year you might want to add to your list, ones that you can easily put into practice.

1. Listen to your kids. Sounds obvious, even ridiculous, doesn’t it? There is a reason we are given one mouth and two ears. Children want and need air time. And when they get it from you the unspoken message is: You matter.

I care about what you have to say. Your ideas, thoughts, and opinions are worthy of being heard. So, slow down, wait, face your child, get on his level, and listen to what he has to say. Don’t talk over him, don’t finish his thoughts, and don’t hurry him to get on with it. The time you invest listening will pay immeasurable dividends.

2. Count to 10. Before you respond to anything that is beyond the mundane with your child, pause. Do not react; do not say anything—no threats, no

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2016

[ SEASONAL FUN ] judgments, no punishments. Just wait. The space you

[ PARENTING ] 4. Stay the course. When it comes to getting what they

create will allow you to think about your response. It

want, kids will go to all ends, and they have incredible

will lessen the likelihood of a misfire on your part. We

tenacity. They beg, they whine, they hound, they

parents are often so quick on the trigger that we regret

negotiate, they debate, and they look for a chink in

what has spewed forth. Only slightly easier than putting

the armor. Don’t let them wear you down. If No is your

toothpaste back in the tube, taking back your hastily

answer, stick to your No. If you are not sure of your

delivered judgments, crazy consequences, or insane threats is tricky. Pausing and counting to 10 will get you closer to the response you deliberately and wisely choose.

answer, steer clear of No and go with I need to think about it. Children who are raised with consistent, nonnegotiable boundaries and limits are happier children.

And remember one yes will sustain a child through a

3. Beware of hollow threats. Parents come up with the wildest threats when they are trying to get a child to do or not do something. If you don’t come to the bath right now, we are not going to Disneyland on Saturday!

Or If you don’t stop bothering your brother, I am giving away your new fire truck. Huh? Really? Not only do

thousand no’s.

5. Be good to yourself. Much like the “Oxygen Mask Theory,” a parent who takes care of herself will be a better parent. If you are spent, you are no good to anyone. You say things you regret; you channel

children smell your insincerity, but they know you will

the parent you swore you’d never be. So, have that

not follow through. Threats that are feasible, (especially

massage or lunch with friends, say No to one more

ones that are logically related to the misbehavior),

committee chairmanship, turn over the reins one night

ones that you actually will carry out, are effective.

and treat yourself to a hot, steamy bath. You will be the

Your child learns that you mean what you say. And the

parent you want to be, and your whole family will reap

behavior stands a good chance of changing.

the benefits.

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[ PARENTING ] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek,People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail.

She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited

by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba

Bully-Proofing Our Kids

by Dr. Michele Borba MORAL IQ TIP: To teach kids self-control, you must show kids self-control, so be a living example of self-control.

Dear Dr. Borba, My son’s only seven, but he’s been coming home upset every day. He says a boy named Mark keeps teasing him. Now the rest of the kids won’t play with him because they are afraid Mark will start picking on them, too. He’s miserable and doesn’t want to go to school. What can I do to help him?

Some of the toughest problems parents must deal with happen right on the school playground where teasing, bullying and mean-spirited kids abound.

There seems to be an epidemic of mean-acting kids these days. In fact, the National Education Association estimates that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students.

While we can’t prevent the pain insults can cause, we can lessen our kids’ chances of becoming victims. In my book, Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, I tell parents the best thing to do is teach our kids how to deal with their tormentors. Doing so will show them there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing face or resorting to violence and will boost their confidence. So the next time your child is upset from teasing, here are a few ideas I suggest you do: 1. Listen and gather facts.

The first step is often the hardest for parents: listen to your child’s whole story without interrupting. Your goal is to try to figure out what happened,

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[ PARENTING ] who was involved, where and when the teasing took place, and why your child was teased. Unfortunately, teasing is a part of growing up, but some kids seem to get more than their fair share of insults. If your child appears to be in no immediate danger, keep listening to find out how she reacts to the bullying. By knowing what reaction didn’t stop the bully, you can offer your child a more effective option.

tease with a reply, but not tease back. The teasing often stops, Frankel says, because the child lets the tormentor know he’s not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does). Suppose the teaser says, “You’re stupid.” The child says a rehearsed comeback such as: “Really?” Other comebacks could be: “So?,” “You don’t say,” “And your point is?,” or “Thanks for telling me.”

2. Teach a bully-proofing strategy.

What may work with one child may not with another, so it’s best to discuss a range of options and then choose the one or two your child feels most comfortable with.

Here are six of the most successful strategies to help kids defend themselves: 1. Assert yourself. Teach your child to face the bully by standing tall and using a strong voice. Your child should name the bullying behavior and tell the aggressor to stop. “That’s teasing. Stop it.” Or, “stop making fun of me. It’s mean.”

2. Question the response. Ann Bishop, who teaches violence prevention curriculums, tells her students to respond to an insult with a non-defensive question: “Why would you say that?” or “Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) and hurt my feelings?”

3. Use “I want.” Communication experts suggest teaching your child to address the bully beginning with “I want” and say firmly what he wants changed: “I want you to leave me along” or “I want you to stop teasing me.”

4. Agree with the teaser. Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with her teaser. Teaser: “You’re dumb.” Child: “Yeah, but I’m good at it.” or Teaser: “Hey, four eyes.” Child: “You’re right, my eyesight is poor.”

3. Rehearse the strategy with your child.

Once you choose a technique, rehearse it together so your child is comfortable trying it. The trick is for your child to deliver it assuredly to the bully–and that takes practice. Explain that though he has the right to feel angry, it’s not okay to let it get out of control. Besides, anger just fuels the bully. Try teaching your child the CALM approach to defueling the tormentor.

1. Cool down. When you confront the bully, stay calm and always in control. Don’t let him think he’s getting to you. If you need to calm down, count to twenty slowly inside your head or say to yourself, “Chill out!”

And most importantly: tell your child to always get help whenever there is a chance she might be injured.

2. Assert yourself. Try the strategy with the bully just like you practiced.

3. Look at the teaser straight in the eye. Appear confident, hold your head high and stand tall.

4. Mean it! Use a firm, strong voice. Say what you feel, but don’t insult, threaten or tease back.

Final Thoughts

5. Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let his tormentor get to him. A group of fifth graders told me ways they ignore their teasers: pretend they’re invisible, walk away without looking at them, quickly look at something else and laugh, and look completely uninterested.

Like it or not, most kids are bound to encounter children

6. Make fun of the teasing. Fred Frankel, author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find suggests victims answer every

kids alike to take an active stand against bullying and

who are deliberately mean. By teaching kids effective ways to respond to verbal abuse, we can reduce their chances of being victims as well as helping them learn how to cope more successfully with future adversities. Of course, no child should ever have to deal with ongoing teasing, meanness and harassment. It’s up to adults and stress that cruelty is always unacceptable.

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