Active Family - January 2017

JANUARY 2017

TOP 10 DIFFICULT New Year’s Resolutions for Divorced Parents

FITNESS GUIDE THE SIMPLEST WAY TO FEEL MORE JOYFUL (Right Now)

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

PUB: Activ Magazine Issue: May Client: Ast Property: Size: 1/2P (7.75” x 4 Colors: Fu DUE: 4/14

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Including Bayside Medical Group and Livermore Pleasanton San Ramon Pediatrics Group

Access to Excellence.

Volume 4 / Issue 36

[ PARENTING ]

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

[ EVENTS ]

Top 10 Difficult New Year’s Resolutions for Divorced Parents

The Simplest Way to Feel More Joyful (Right Now) Three happiness exercises to try today

January Calendar

8 Let Go of Mom Guilt AND Mom Judgment at the Same Time

22

14

[ HEALTH ]

Broken Dish Confessions

10

16 [ SEASONAL FUN ] Indoor Play Guide

24

Fitness Guide

18 Is It Okay To Fight In Front of Your Kids?

28

16 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

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[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Marketing Assistant Interns

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Jaida Sinclair

Advertising Sales Director

Fashion Editor

Kathy Brillheart kbrillheart@activefamilymag.com

Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com

Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. Jamee Tenzer Rachel Macy Stafford Dr. Christine Carter Dr. Laura Markham

Advertising Sales Managers

Design/Production

April Gentry agentry@activefamilymag.com

Teresa Agnew Craft

Ad Design/Production

Mary Oakes moakes@activefamilymag.com

Lara Mays

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note A New Year is always a great time to assess life, what’s working and what can be tweaked. It’s a time to figure out ways in which we can do better.

Perhaps parent better, eat healthier, get organized. It’s a time to evaluate the relationships in your life and determine who nourishes your soul and who drags you down. The New Year can be a time for new beginnings. We hope that this issue will provide you with the tools you need to take the step towards the best you this year!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

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[ PARENTING ] Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst with specialized clinical training in infant-parent, child, adolescent, and adult psychotherapy. She has been on the faculties of New York University and the Society for Psychoanalytic Study and Research, among others. She has written extensively on parenting for various publications, including the Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, The International Journal of Infant Observation, The Inner World of the Mother, Newsday’s Parents & Children Magazine, Long Island Parent. She also wrote her popular column, PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE, at Moms Magazine and has been a parenting expert for numerous publications such as Good

Top 10 Difficult New Year’s Resolutions for Divorced Parents

Housekeeping. and Bustle Lifestyle.

by Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.

She currently writes for Active Family Magazine (San Francisco)

Has your divorce just occurred? Has it been many years? No matter how long,

and blogs for Huffington Post. Her

do you still feel guilty when it comes to the kids, worrying you have hurt them?

new book is Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child’s Behavior. To learn more

Well, believe it or not, some divorces help kids. Others, sadly do hurt kids who, however, can be helped a great deal.

go to Dr. Hollman’s website at www.lauriehollmanphd.com.

The ones that help kids are generally healthy decisions by two adults who realize they are no longer a good match for each other or for their children as married parents.

The ones that hurt are remembered by adult children of divorced parents and tend to remain unresolved in the adults’ minds.

Divorced parents new to the ambiance of divorce situations would do well to learn from the mistakes of others. Those who feel they have made mistakes needn’t unnecessarily blame themselves when there’s so much to do to remedy situations in the new year.

10 Resolutions in the Best Interest of the Kids 1. Promise yourself to talk civilly to your ex-spouse all the time, not only in front of the children. Children hear everything even when they are not in the room.

They sense when you get off the phone and have argued stridently with your ex-spouse even if they didn’t hear the content.

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

[ PARENTING ] 2. Make a resolution to talk honestly to your ex-spouse

trained professional therapist to iron out your major

about scheduling to see the children instead of accusing

differences, so each spouse feels they are leaving their

each other of manipulations. If you need to change a

children in safe hands when they visit their other parent.

routine, speak openly about why and be reasonable with each other.

9. Empathize with your children and teens who live in more than one residence. As adults we would find this a

3. Resolutely put your child’s needs before your own even

very disconcerting way to live — our kids do, too.

when you are strung out with tension and exhaustion after seeing your spouse on your front porch.

I0. If children live in blended families with step-parents and their children, frequently give them credit for

This sounds like a huge burden and it may be, but

working so hard to get along with many siblings they

children feel safer when they know they can trust their

share their many parents with.

parents to keep them uppermost in their minds.

This is a most difficult arrangement where kids easily feel 4. Before making a residential move, consider your

forgotten, at the bottom of the sibling ladder, and afraid

children’s needs in travel and routine. Living and visiting

they aren’t loved.

two residences is in itself disorganizing and painful.

If extended travel is added to the mix, it makes it

These resolutions are difficult to carry out on a regular

even more difficult for many children and teens with

basis but the kids who have parents who put them first

complicated schedules and routines.

live a much more loved, secure, and caring existence.

5. Listen to your children’s feelings about divorce even years after the legal proceedings. Children feel

Before and after School Care For students entering TK to 5th grade in PUSD

differently at different developmental stages.

6. Some children prefer to live with one parent rather than another. This can feel very hurtful to the parent the child wants to live away from.

Considering carefully how old the child is when they voice this desire, listen carefully to their struggles without interruption until each parent fully understands what the child is looking for. Only then can you make a sound decision.

7. Find ways to praise your ex-spouse to your children honestly periodically. The children and teens appreciate that their parents are trying to get along. This gives them a sense of safety and security.

8. If you don’t trust your ex-spouse in any ways, see a

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3200 Hopyard Road | Pleasanton | www.ailpleasanton.com tel. 925.462.7123

JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ HEALTH ]

Fitness Guide Alameda County DUBLIN Resolutions Fitness 7100 Village Pkwy | 925.230.8579 www.resolutionsfitness.net Resolutions Fitness provides a variety of services. At home personal training, triathlon training, boot camps, weight loss programs, strength training and more.

24 Hour Fitness – Super Sport 2650 Kitthawk Road | 925.447.4496 | www.24hourfitness.com The Livermore health club offers a wide range of group exercise classes, personal training and a wealth of other benefits and features. Whether you plan to lose weight, tone-up, or train for a big event, the Livermore club offers a wide variety of gym memberships. They also offer a Kid’s Club to keep the kids entertained while you work out!

FREMONT Mind Body Zone 3335 Seldon Court | 510.252.1193 www.mindbody-zone.com Offers personal training, body sculpting, piloxing, circuit training, private yoga and pilates instruction, state-of-theart equipment, and unique workshops. Classes available are: Pilates, yoga, and body sculpting.

ClubSport Fremont 46650 Landing Parkway | 510.226.8500 www.clubsports.com Their 12,000 square foot state-of-the-art fitness center is filled with the latest cardio, circuit, and free weight equipment to keep you in shape and help you reach your goals quickly and effectively. With over 90 cardiovascular machines, chances are you’ll never have to wait to work up a sweat.

Snap Fitness 24-7 43480 Mission Blvd Ste. #160 | 510.226.7627 www.snapfitness.com Snap Fitness club amenities provide member 24 hour access, free weighs, personal training, nutrition consultants and more.

LIVERMORE Anytime Fitness 1855 Holmes Street | 925.292.7196 | www.anytimefitness.com Cardio equipment, strength equipment, personal training, wellness programs, tanning, and new yoga classes! A variety of classes are available.

LifestyleRX 1119 E. Stanley Blvd | 925.454.6342 | www.lifestylerx.com LifeStyleRx, is a 70,000-square-foot wellness center providing comprehensive, medical-based, high-quality education and fitness services to their members. Through their programs and services, they provide members the opportunity to achieve their maximum health, fitness and well-being potential.

10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

PLEASANTON Bikram Yoga/Studio 3283 Bernal Avenue Suite # 109 | 925.426.0460 www.bikramyogapleasanton.com Bikram Yoga Pleasanton is a 4934 square foot facility offering Bikram’s Beginning Hatha Yoga Classes. They have practice rooms with state-of-the-art heating & humidification systems that maintain even temperatures during class and controls humidity levels. They also have shower facilities for men & women and a spacious reception/retail area.

24 Hour Fitness—Super Sport 4770 Willow Road | 925.463.1515 | www.24hourfitness.com The Pleasanton health club offers a wide range of group exercise classes, personal training and a wealth of other benefits and features. Whether you plan to lose weight, toneup, or train for a big event, the Pleasanton club offers a wide variety of gym memberships. They also offer a Kid’s Club to keep the kids entertained while you work out!

ClubSport Pleasanton 7090 Johnson Drive | 925.463.2822 | www.clubsports.com State of the art weight and cardio equipment, certified personal trainers, nutrition counseling, rock wall and climbing area.

10 indoor tennis courts, 4 outdoor tennis courts, 8 indoor racquetball/ handball courts, 6 land outdoor deep water lap pool, exercise pool, children’s wading pool. 9000 sq. ft. Kids World including age appropriate activities, fitness and exercise center.

[ HEALTH ] Downtown Yoga 220 Division Street | 925.819.9983 | www.pleasantonyoga.com Downtown Yoga is an award-winning Yoga Alliance Registered Yoga Studio - has conducted over 20,000 yoga classes to thousands of people within and around the San Francisco Bay Area since 2002. They offer precise, knowledgeable and safe instruction to all levels and ages of students. Open 7-days a week, they have Introduction to yoga programs, classes for Beginners to Intermediate to Advanced students, kids programs, Prenatal yoga and Senior and Teen discounts.

In-Shape 4099 Lone Tree Way | 925.331.3065 | www.inshapeclubs.com In-Shape is a premier health spa and family fitness center.

Take a refreshing swim in their sparkling indoor or outdoor swimming pools, try a free group exercise class like Bikaraoke or Drums Alive, or challenge friends to a game of racquetball.

Help build flexibility, muscle strength and endurance in their Pilates studio. They also have a Kids Club with a huge play maze and interactive games, tanning beds, steam rooms and much more.

Elite Training Center 1279 Quarry Ln | 925.967.3265 | www.elitetrainingca.com Elite Training has various specialized programs for advanced athletes, one on one personalized training for individuals with specific goals and boxing classes. Whether your goal is simply to get in shape with some of their fun Strength and Conditioning classes or engage one of their personal trainers, Elite has what you are looking for. Elite Center provides the entire family a supportive environment where you can get fit and healthy together.

Tri-Valley Trainer 3724 Stanley Blvd | 925.413.2268 | www.trivalleytrainer.com Tri Valley Trainer exists for the sole purpose of helping to advance the cause, the quality and the popularity of the wellness lifestyle. They do that through: Private training for individual clients TRIAD ™ small group training combining cardio, strength and core in one fun, challenging time-efficient workout and periodic collaborative workshops with other wellness practitioners (medical, chiropractic, psychological, dietary, physical therapy, etc.).

Contra Costa County

BRENTWOOD

ALAMO

Anytime Fitness 7750 Brentwood Blvd Suite E | 925.513.7001 www.anytimefitness.com Cardio equipment, strength equipment, personal training, wellness programs, tanning, and new yoga classes! A variety of classes are available.

24 Hour Fitness —Active 140 Alamo Plaza | 925.362.1730 | www.24hourfitness.com Cardio Equipment, circuit training, free weights and personal training. 24 Hour Fitness Alamo offers a state-of-the-art facility that has just about every feature you could wish for in a gym membership. The Alamo health club offers a wide range of group exercise classes, personal training and a wealth of other benefits and features. Whether you plan to lose weight, toneup, or train for a big event, the Alamo club offers a wide variety of gym memberships and a Kid’s Club.

ANTIOCH 24 Hour Fitness – Sport 2632 Somersville Road | 925.753.1533 www.24hourfitness.com The 24 Hour Fitness Sport in Antioch offers Cardio Equipment, free weights, indoor lap pool, Group Exercise and classes and much more. Drop the Kids off at the Kid’s Club to have fun while you work out.

Delta Valley Athletic Club 120 Guthrie Lane | (925) 240-2990 | www.deltavac.com Delta Valley offers over 50 fun fitness classes like aerobics, spinning, and dancing. Their onsite preschool provides students with developmentally-appropriate activities that encourage academic, social and emotional growth. Other fun amenities include personal training, steam rooms and saunas.

The Little Gym of Brentwood 3850 Balfour Rd. Ste. K | 925.634.0034 www.thelittlegym.com The Little Gym is the world’s premier experiential learning and physical development center for kid’s ages four months through 12 years. Each week, progressively structured classes and a positive learning environment create opportunities for your child to try new things and build self-confidence, all with a grin that stretches from ear to ear.

JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

[ HEALTH ]

Fitness Guide In-Shape 180 Griffith Lane | 925.513.8700 | www.inshapeclubs.com In-Shape is a premier health club in Concord and your destination for family fun! Take a refreshing swim in our outdoor pool, try a FREE group exercise or cycling class or challenge friends to a game of racquetball or basketball. With a wide assortment of cardio machines, a full array of resistance equipment and free weights, exclusive Yoga and Pilates studios, a 29-Minute Circuit®, certified Personal Trainers, an amazing Kids Club, saunas, steam rooms and tanning beds, you’ll see why In-Shape is like a getaway resort - without the travel!

The Big C 1381 Galaxy Way | 925.671.2110 | www.thebigc.com The Big C offers programs like Pilates, Indoor Cycling, Zumba, Yoga, Step, Fit 2 The Core (F2C), TRX and many more. They also offer executive lockers, weight room, swimming pool, sports courts, exercise studios and sauna and steam rooms.

UFC 1975 Diamond Blvd. | 925.265.8130 | www.ufcgym.com Offering a full-range of group fitness classes, private MMA training, personal and group dynamic training, plus MMA style youth programming, UFC GYM creates something for all ages and fitness levels. Be sure to check out their Childcare!

DANVILLE The Studio 730 Camino Ramon #200 | 925.838.9200 www.thestudiolife.com With more than 120 classes offered each week, personalized training and expert advice on health and fitness The Studio can help you get exactly what you need. Some of the fun and innovative classes available are: Yoga, Pilates, Cycle, TRX, Kettlebell (coming soon), Barre, Outdoor training/boot camps, Toning/sculpting, Walk/hike club and Running club.

CLAYTON Clayton Fitness Center 1516 Kirker Pass Rd. | 925.672.2010 www.claytonfitnesscenter.com Clayton Fitness offers a variety of health and fitness training along with personal training, weight training, Olympic training and Coach’s Terry’s Bootcamp.

CONCORD In Shape 5294 Clayton Rd | 925.602.5600 | www.inshapeclubs.com In-Shape offers top of the line equipment, basketball and racquetball courts, yoga and Pilate’s studio, and an outdoor pool. They also have an amazing Kids Club.

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Crunch Fitness 3464 Blackhawk Plaza | 925.272.5600 | www.crunch.com Crunch Fitness has a variety of amenities available to its members. Personal training, TRX, Studio, hundreds of classes, personal training, yoga, childcare and much more!

Danville Fitness 101 Town and County Dr. | 925.743.3919 www.danville-fit.com Danville Fit has something for everyone. Group X classes, personal training, childcare and locker rooms. Danville Fit’s personal trainers focus on strengthening your core, improving balance and correcting your posture through fat reducing, total-body workouts and functional resistance training.

Fit Personal Studio 294-B Railroad Ave | 925.362.8001 www.fitstudiodanville.com The Fit Studio staff has a passion for health and fitness and offer their clients training customized for their individual needs. Fit Studio’s personalized health and fitness programs focus on cardiovascular fitness, strength, flexibility, endurance, and balance. One-on-one personal training, Pilates training and small group sessions are available.

[ HEALTH ] LAFAYETTE

WALNUT CREEK

Absolute Center 3658 Mt. Diablo Blvd | 925.299.9642 www.absolutecenter.net Absolute Center offers personal training and classes in Fitness, Pilates, Yoga, Barre, Suspension and more.

East Bay Fitness 301 N San Carlos Drive | 925.364.0296 www.myeastbayfitness.com East Bay Fitness is the Bootcamp of all Bootcamps! Using the entire beautiful Heather Farms Park terrain, they spend an action packed hour challenging your body in the most safe and efficient way to sculpt and strengthen your physique.

Oakwood Athletic Club 4000 Mt. Diablo Blvd | 925.283.4000 www.oakwoodathlecticclub.com Oakwood’s Fitness Center is filled with the latest in resistance and cardiovascular equipment. Their free weight room has everything required to satisfy the needs of veteran weight lifters. To complement their selection of resistance-training equipment, they offer Cybex selectorized machines, and a complete line of Free Motion pieces.

OAKLEY Diamond Hills Sports Club & Spa 1510 Neroly Rd. | 925.420.4575 | www.sparetimeclubs.com Diamond Hills Sports Club and Spa is an extraordinary fitness and racquet club. It is an active, family-oriented club where members can meet, make friends and participate in exceptional fitness, recreational and social activities.

Forma Gym 1908 Olympic Blvd | 925.932.6400 | www.formagym.com Forma Gym offers 4 unique studios: Mind-Body Studio, Group Exercise Studio, Cycle Studio and a Pilates Reformer Studio.

They also offer an active and educational Kid’s Club.

SAN RAMON IM=X Pilates Studio 2410 San Ramon Valley Blvd #112 | 925.791.5040 www.imxbayarea.com IM=X (Integrated Movement Xercize) is a new generation of Pilates and cardio inspired workouts enjoyed by hundreds of thousands of exercise enthusiasts who proclaim its “immediate results”! Founder, Elyse McNergney, created IM=X to offer a total fitness approach - one that integrates pilates exercises with strength and cardiovascular training.

24 Hour Fitness—Super Sport 4450 Norris Canyon Road | 925.244.9855 www.24hourfitness.com The San Ramon health club offers a wide range of group exercise classes, personal training and a wealth of other benefits and features. Some of their amenities include Kid’s Club, TRZ Suspension training, juice bar, and cardio equipment.

ClubSport San Ramon 350 Bollinger Canyon Lane | 925.735.8500 www.clubsportsr.com ClubSport San Ramon offers over 80 thousand square feet of fitness facilities, including 8 full-lit tennis courts, a yearround heated pool, indoor racquetball and squash and much more. ClubSport San Ramon offers kid’s classes, such as karate, soccer and gymnastics which are included with your Membership.

Lynch Fitness 1530 S Main Street | 925.482.0696 | www.lynchfitness.com At Lynch Fitness, they specialize in functional training and circuit training. This means you aren’t lifting heavy weights, or doing limited movements on machines. Their nationally certified trainers will have you working with TRX equipment, rubber bands, bosu balls, ropes, and focus on keeping your entire body moving and activated during each workout.

Renaissance ClubSport 2805 Jones Road | 925.938.8700 | www.renaissanceclubsport. com A full-service sports club. Offers cardio and weight training center, group classes, pilates, personal trainers, sports courts, aquatics, kids programs, Spa, Restaurant, Pro shop and more!

Snap Fitness 24/7 1533A Palos Verdes Mall | 925.938.8006 www.snapfitness.com Snap Fitness of Walnut Creek is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week to service all of your fitness needs. They have state of the art equipment, personal trainers, and friendly staff to help with anything needed.

Curves Multiple Bay Area locations | www.curves.com Women’s only gym offering Cardio and strength equipment incorporating circuit training.

Fitness 19 160 Market Place | 925.327.1919 | www.fitness19.com Fitness 19 offers cardio equipment, circuit training, free weights and a kid’s room.

JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ PARENTING ]

Jamee Tenzer is an Executive Coach, Trainer and Mentor. For the past 15 years she has been privileged to coach breadwinner moms and executives and to work internationally as a coach mentor and trainer. She has worked with leaders in many industries including; entertainment, non-profit and technology. In addition to serving as a Supervisor, Mentor and Trainer for the International Coach Academy from 2006 to 2015, she is also a trained mediator and the co-creator of three ICF Accredited courses for coaches; Deeper Conversations Coaching, Mentor Coach Certification and Real Coaching Sessions Unplugged. Jamee is a member of the International Coach Federation, Producers Guild of America and Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. She holds a CPC from the International Coach Academy, a PCC from the International Coach Federation and a BCC from the Center for Credentialing and Education. She is a committed im-perfectionist - her husband and three children can attest to this!

Let Go of Mom Guilt AND Mom Judgment at the Same Time

by Jamee Tenzer Recently there has been a lot of hubbub about working vs. non-working moms.

Already my mind is short circuiting. I don’t know any moms who don’t work.

I don’t care if they have their own business, work a full time job outside the home, stay at home with children or travel with the local circus (oh wait a minute, that’s the “stay at home with children” option) – mom’s are working.

I have had the privilege (and it is a privilege) to choose what I do in terms of work.

I have worked jobs that required a 50 hour week away from home. I have stayed at home with no income-producing work and I have worked part time from home, so I’ve looked at this from many perspectives.

Thankfully, I have rarely been on the receiving end of another woman’s judgment about my choices, but I have seen it happen and I have witnessed

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[ PARENTING ] the hurt that comes with it. Rather than blame the

Coach Me Quick Tips for Letting Go of Judgment:

women who are judging others, (vicious circles and all) I

1. Notice your thoughts about other moms. If you have

began to think about where this all begins.

a negative thought, ask yourself where that is coming

Where is the judgment coming from in the first place?

No matter how self aware we are; we have most likely judged another person at some point. Our minds seem to move in that direction, especially when we are feeling

from in you. If I think that another mom “should” be more sensitive with her children, I have to be introspective and look at where I need to be more sensitive to myself and others.

a lack of self confidence, a bit of “mom guilt” or we haven’t been focusing on getting the self care we need.

2. Listen to your thoughts about yourself. If you hear yourself saying things like “I’m a bad mom,” or “my thighs

When we judge another person, aren’t we really just

are too fat,” see if you can replace those thoughts with

questioning our own choices or looking for validation?

something loving and self acknowledging.

When we make someone else wrong for their choice, could it be an attempt to feel better about ourselves?”

You might be asking; what’s the harm of passing a little

3. Listen to other moms talk about themselves and help them to focus on what they do well. In other words, help

judgement if it helps me to let off some steam? The other

your mom community focus on what is working and

person doesn’t even have to know. But here’s the really

expand that.

bad news; when we judge someone else, that negativity has a way of turning around and getting us in the end

4. Use feelings of guilt and judgment as a way to love

because it has more to do with us, than the other gal.

and improve yourself. You will be amazed at your results.

Let’s face it, when your boss is upset with you because





wonder if the grass is greener for your next door neighbor who is home with the kids. I know that when I found myself with 3 days of spit up in my hair, holding my infant who wouldn’t eat or sleep, I was dreaming with envy about conference calls and board rooms.

Maybe it’s time for a little Rodney King: “Sisters: can we all just get along?”

Some of us want/need to work and others want/need to stay home. And there are a whole bunch of us who do something in the middle of these two choices. Go moms, go!



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So what is the answer?

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As always, more self awareness, acceptance and

www.vivaelespanol.org • 925-962-9177 Lafayette • Pleasanton • And schools all over the Bay Area

acknowledgment. Phew! I feel better already.

JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ EVENTS ]

January Alameda County JANUARY 1 New Year’s Day

JANUARY 3, 10, 17, 24 Family Night Dublin Iceland Dublin 7:45pm – 9pm www.dubliniceland.com

JANUARY 6 $5 First Fridays Chabot Space & Science Center Oakland 10am - 5pm www.apm.activecommunities.com/ ebparks

JANUARY 7 Make Your Own Butterfly Ardenwood Historic Farm Fremont 1pm – 2pm www.apm.activecommunities.com/ ebparks Hands-on History Days Dublin Heritage Park & Museums Dublin 1:30pm – 3:30pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us/calendar The Yale Alley Cats Dublin Ranch Golf Course Dublin 6pm – 8pm www.yalealleycats.com

JANUARY 7 & 8 Animal of the Day! Children’s Fairyland Oakland 1pm – 1:20pm www.fairyland.org The Wizard of Ahhhhs Children’s Fairyland Oakland 1:30pm & 2:30pm www.fairyland.org

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JANUARY 8 Lovely Ladybugs Redwood Canyon Oakland 11am – 1pm www.apm.activecommunities.com/ ebparks

Zookids: Beaks and Feet Oakland Zoo Oakland 9:30am – 12pm www.oaklandzoo.org//Calendar_ Item.php?i=1591

JANUARY 14 & 15

Happy Birthday, Elvis!

Firehouse Arts Center Pleasanton 2pm www.firehousearts.org/events/ happy-birthday-elvis

Puppet Show: A surprise Birthday Party Children’s Fairyland Oakland 11am, 2pm & 4pm www.fairyland.org

JANUARY 7 & 14

JANUARY 17

Cub Scout Overnight - Nova Wild!

Oakland Zoo Oakland 7pm – 10am www.oaklandzoo.org//Calendar_ Item.php?i=1603

Winter in Watercolor Firehouse Arts Center Pleasanton 4:30pm – 5:45pm www.firehousearts.org/gallery/ gallery-programs

JANUARY 10 Sea Squirts Crab Cove Visitor Center Alameda 10:30am – 11:45am www.ebparks.org

Animal Feeding Ardenwood Historic Farm Fremont 3pm www.apm.activecommunities.com/ ebparks

JANUARY 14

JANUARY 20

Alphabet Rockers Freight & Salvage Berkeley 11am www.thefreight.org/alphabetrockers-11am Ohlone Village Site Tour Coyote Hills Regional Park Fremont 11am www.apm.activecommunities.com/ ebparks Harlem Globetrotters Oracle Arena Oakland Times Vary www.harlemglobetrotters.com

JANUARY 19

Zoovie Nights- Finding Dory Oakland Zoo Oakland 6:30pm – 9pm www.oaklandzoo.org/Zoovie_ Nights.php

JANUARY 21 Bird Count for Kids Don Edwards National Wildlife Refuge Fremont 8:30am – 1:30pm www.apm.activecommunities.com/ ebparks Pippi Longstocking Bay Area Children’s Theatre Berkeley Times Vary www.bactheatre.org/shows/PippiLongstocking

[ EVENTS ]

January Girl Scout Overnight: Brownies – Bugs Oakland Zoo Oakland 7pm – 10am www.oaklandzoo.org//Calendar_ Item.php?i=1601

JANUARY 3

JANUARY 17

Free First Tuesday Bedford Gallery Walnut Creek 12pm – 5pm www.walnutcreek.org

JANUARY 21 & 22 Snow Queen Performance Children’s Fairyland Oakland 1:30pm & 2:30pm www.fairyland.org

Preschool Performance Series- The Brian Waite Band Village Theatre Art Gallery Danville 10am – 11am www.danville.ca.gov/calendar

“Animal Trainer” Ventriloquist Act Danville Library Danville 4pm – 4:45pm www.ccclib.org January 27 – 29 Fiddler on the Roof Jr Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 2:15pm & 7:15pm www.lesherartscenter.org

JANUARY 22

JANUARY 7

Garden Family Program UC Botanical Garden Berkeley 10am – 11am www.events.berkeley.edu/

Frosty & Friends Walnut Creek on Ice Walnut Creek 11am – 1pm www.walnutcreekonice.com/ events

JANUARY 28 & 29 Lunar New Year Celebration Children’s Fairyland Oakland 10am – 4pm www.fairyland.org

Contra Costa County JANUARY 1 New Year’s Day December 31 – January 1 New Year’s Eve Party Playland-Not-at-the-Beach El Cerrito 10:15am – 10:45am www.playland-not-at-the-beach. org

JANUARY 1 -2 Wacky Winter Wonderland Playland-Not-at-the-Beach El Cerrito 10am – 5pm www.playland-not-at-the-beach. org

JANUARY 6

JANUARY 14 Model Railroad Show Model Railroad Society Walnut Creek 11am – 6pm www.wcmrs.org Quaker Oatmeal Festival & 5k Locations Vary Lafayette 7:30am – 12pm www.cityoflafayette.com/303/ Annual-City-Events

JANUARY 16 12 Annual MLK March Angevine Middle School Lafayette 12pm – 3:30pm www.cityoflafayette.com/calendar. aspx?EID=5120

JANUARY 28 Mandarin Storytime 3491 Mt Diablo Blvd.

Lafayette 2:15pm & 7:15pm www.ccclib.org

JANUARY 30 Mini Monday: Amazing Animal Alphabet Lindsay Wildlife Experience Walnut Creek 10am – 12pm www.lindsaywildlife.org Chinese New Year Celebration Martinez Library Martinez 6:30pm – 7:30pm www.ccclib.org

Out of Area DECEMBER 31 – JANUARY 1 New Year’s Eve Seashore Sleepover Monterey Bay Aquarium Monterey 7pm – 8:30pm www.montereybayaquarium.org

Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

[ PARENTING ]

Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.

Broken Dish Confessions

by Rachel Macy Stafford “I see the sun and it’s rising slowly For every shadow there’s a light Open your eyes, I’ll come running Open up to me, open up to me.”

–Green River Ordinance, Resting Hour One by one, they came through the book signing line confessing their own broken dish moments.

“It was a plate.”

“It was a bowl – robin’s egg blue … I always loved that bowl.”

“It was my grandmother’s serving tray; I don’t know why I grabbed that one.”

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

[ PARENTING ] “Mine was a crystal vase. The cleanup took hours.”

Exactly three days after that revelation with my friend in the car, my husband and I were watching the nightly

One by one, people confessed their broken dish

news. It transpired into a heated political discussion. I was

moments. When I spoke of mine on stage a few minutes

very passionate about my beliefs, and my voice became

earlier I had no idea it would inspire others to step

raised, and I felt my face become flushed. Although

forward and say, “Me too.”

there were plenty of doors to slam, papers to throw, and dishes to break, I didn’t resort to extremes as I did in the

Perhaps we all have broken dish moments in some form

past.

or another. Perhaps I am not alone.

Why? The last dish I broke was nineteen months ago. Before that one, it was a coffee pot … and before that, it was

Because he heard me.

a cereal bowl. Before that, it was an object I can’t recall, but its pieces were especially jagged and sharp.

He was listening.

All this time, I attributed these extreme reactions on a severe lack of self-care and on pushing myself beyond

We did not see eye to eye on this particular issue, but he

reasonable limits. But while huddled in a car with a dear

held me, and I let myself be held.

friend on the way to see an Ingrid Michaelson concert, I uncovered something more.

Suddenly every broken dish moment, beginning at age ten, came back to me in full force.

“It happens when I am not being heard … when I am misunderstood,” I said about my broken dish moments.

I’d flung myself to the ground kicking and screaming

“I get to this dangerously helpless point when my need

when I was not being heard.

to be heard is so strong that I feel I must take drastic measures.”

I’d peeled out of a parking lot and sped 80 mph when I was not being heard.

See me.

I’d hit my fist with a steering wheel until it bruised when I Hear me.

was not being heard.

This is me sending up a flare. I am in distress.

I’d thought about hurting myself when I was not being heard.

I thought back to the broken dish moments shared by those who came through the book signing line. As

Drastic measures indeed.

people confessed their breaking points and collateral damage, there was one common factor … there was a

But the truth is, out of all the things that make me feel

resounding echo … there was a universal need.

most loved, listening is number one. When I am heard, I am loved.

Hear me.

I am quite certain I am not the only one who feels this Acknowledge me.

way.

Don’t walk away.

Over the past month, I have processed this realization Yes, they were weary and depleted when they fell

about my breaking dish moments. I have paid close

apart at the seams … but more importantly, they were

attention to the way my spouse and I communicate.

desperate to be heard.

Somewhere along the line, I told him that when my JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

[ PARENTING ] father listened to me he always looked into my eyes. Eye

“Thank you, Mama. Thank you,” she said hugging me.

contact mean listening fully and attending undividedly. I

Two days later, my child began running again, being

notice my husband is trying.

careful not to overdo it.

Somewhere along the line, I told him that when my voice

My daughter still asks me to “roll” her leg in the evening

gets higher and he begins to walk away, it feels like a

as the therapist instructed. As I do, I think about what

dagger. Walking away while I am speaking feels like a

the therapist said as she demonstrated the technique.

punch in the gut. I notice my husband is trying.

“Upward strokes brings the inflammation to a place where it can be flushed from the body.”

Somewhere along the line, I told him he doesn’t have to solve my problem or know what to do. Just

I think that’s what listening does.

nodding, relating, and saying, “How can I help?” are transformative. I notice my husband is trying.

Unlike dismissing, shaming, or shutting down, which exacerbates the pain, listening eases it … releases it …

As I have come to understand this inherent need to be

comforts it … and even heals it.

heard in my moments of vulnerability, I am seeing others’ extreme reactions in a new light–particularly those who

Although it is mid-December and there are definitely

want me to hear them most.

easier and more festive topics I could have written about today, I believe this one – listening to release pain – is

My younger daughter complained of a pain in her leg

what we need most need right now in the world.

for a solid week. A physical therapist found her calf muscle to be very tight. After determining it was a shin

In fact, there’s a good chance that in coming days you’ll

splint, the therapist showed us some exercises we could

see someone losing her grip … dissolving into a pile tears

do at home. My daughter did not participate in running

… resorting to drastic measures to be heard.

during swim team conditioning for two weeks while her leg healed.

When you see this happening, please fight the urge to walk away. Please resist the inclination to shut it down,

When I informed my daughter it was time to resume the

hush it up, or stop it with shame or hostility.

running portion of practice, her reaction was over the top. Her voice rose and shook. Hot tears came streaming

Instead get closer and say, “I am here. Tell me what’s

down her face. As I was about to stand firm on this issue, I

troubling you. Maybe you don’t even know, but we will

stopped myself. I saw what was happening there.

figure it out together. I am listening.”

This is her dish-breaking moment.

And if you find the distressed, unreasonable, and maniacal voice is coming from your own chest, please

This is her wanting me to hear her.

resist the urge to grab the closest object and hurl it.

Instead, hold your own hand and say to yourself: This

This is her asking me to stand in her shoes.

is me in distress. This is me sending up a flare. Let me muster all my strength to ask someone to hear me. This is

“Okay,” I said calmly. “It appears you are still feeling

important.

pain. We’ll give it another day.”

Imagine for a moment if this year were to close on a listening note—us listening to ourselves … us listening to

The color came back to her face. She quickly regained

the ones we love … us listening to the ones who cross our

composure, as if embarrassed by her extreme reaction.

path. To end 2016 knowing the exercise of listening is a

(Boy, did I know the feeling.)

remedy for pain could make for a beautiful start to 2017.

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

[ PARENTING ] Let’s not worry so much about purchasing that mindblowing gift or finding that perfect outfit for the party or retrieving that long-lost recipe during the final days of December. Instead, let’s remember listening is love.

Especially when the person in front of us or within us is falling apart.

There may be less gifts to open as a result of us spending the remaining days of December focused on listening— but perhaps if we do, there won’t be so many broken pieces to pick up.

Listen with open eyes, attentive ears, and a whole heart.

Listen even when it sounds like complete and utter despair.

Because that’s when listening is needed the most.

y da 8 o 0 T er 0-58 t s gi 82 Re 259

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2340 SAN RAMON VALLEY BLVD · SAN RAMON · CA · THEGROWINGROOM.ORG JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

The Simplest Way to Feel More Joyful (Right Now)

Three happiness exercises to try today.

by Dr. Christine Carter “Abundance can be had simply by consciously receiving what has already been given.” — Sufi Saying Everywhere I go, people ask me this one question: “If you had to pick just one thing that could make me happier right now, what would it be?” I’m always tempted to make jokes about sex and yoga — or maybe a glass of wine.

Glib responses aside, I believe an authentic moment of gratitude is the simplest way to boost our happiness — especially when we’re feeling stressed or wishing for more of something…like more time, or more money.

When we aren’t seeing what we appreciate in our lives in a given moment, often it is because we are stewing about unfulfilled expectations, or because we believe that don’t have what we “should” have. We are uncomfortable in some way, and we feel entitled to our comfort. Entitlement makes us more likely to feel

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

disappointed when we don’t get what we think we want,

the place cards but while we eat, we go around the

rather than grateful for what we already have.

table and say what we love or appreciate about the person who is having the birthday.

Disappointment is not a happiness habit. Gratitude is.

According to the Harvard Mental Health Letter,

2. Several times a week, I take a photograph of something I find beautiful or inspiring, or something for which I feel grateful. I was inspired to do this by Hailey

“In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly

Bartholomew’s film. Often, I just take the photo with my

and consistently associated with greater happiness.

phone and it lives in the gratitude app that I use.

Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions,

3. Everyday, I ask my family about three good things.

relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with

They might share good things that happened to them

adversity, and build strong relationships.”

that day, or good things they did themselves, or even something good that hasn’t happened yet that they

Gratitude studies report long laundry lists of the benefits

are anticipating.

of gratitude. For example, people who jotted down something they were grateful for online everyday for just

We do this practice in all different circumstances.

two weeks showed higher stress resilience and greater

Sometimes it’s while snuggled in bed. Often it’s at dinner

satisfaction with life. In addition, they reported fewer

time. Sometimes, when I have a speaking engagement

headaches and a reduction in stomach pain, coughs

at night, my kids will text me what they feel grateful for.

and sore throats!

Sometimes it’s over the phone if they’re at their dad’s house. But no matter the situation, their first good thing

People practicing gratitude even report sleeping better

is always “right now.” This reminds me to be present

and getting more exercise. “The list of potential benefits

and recognize that this particular “right now” is worthy

is almost endless,” wrote Liz Gullford at the University

of great gratitude. In addition to stirring up feelings of

of Birmingham. Gratitude is associated with “fewer

gratitude (while curbing a sense of entitlement), all of

intellectual biases, more effective learning strategies,

these practices evoke the positive emotions that make us

more helpfulness towards others, raised self-confidence,

feel deeply satisfied with our lives.

better work attitude, strengthened resiliency, less physical pain, improved health, and longevity.”

• The first practice makes us feel loved and helps us

What if you lean more towards the grouchy or cynical

• The second makes me feel awe and elevation

express the love we have for others. rather that the grateful? I have some good news for

because I’m usually photographing something

you. Gratitude is a SKILL, like learning to speak a new

beautiful in nature. I will also often also feel love if there

language or swing a bat. It can be taught, and it needs

is, say, a child in the picture. And sometimes I just feel

to be practiced consciously and deliberately. Yet, unlike

awash in contentment and peace—or creativity and

learning a new language, practicing gratitude can be

inspiration—as I take the photograph.

blissfully simple: just count the things in your life that you

• The third practice can evoke a full range of positive

feel thankful for. Here are three of my favorite gratitude

emotions: anticipation and excitement (about

practices:

something coming up); kindness and compassion (for someone they did a “good thing” for); straight-up

1. At special dinners, we appreciate each other by writing on our dinner table place cards. The kids

relived happiness (recounting a fun time at school or work).

make giant construction paper place cards for each guest, and as people arrive and mingle, we each take

All of these practices evoke the abundance that is all

some time to sit down at the table and write on the

around us, even in these challenging times. As the Sufi

inside of each place card something that we love or

saying above acknowledges, they help us receive the

appreciate about them. On birthdays, we usually skip

many gifts that are already out there.

JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Indoor Play Guide ALAMEDA COUNTY ALAMEDA Color Me Mine 2205 South Shore Center 510.521.8893 www.colormemine.com Berkeley Brushstrokes Studio, Inc. 745 Page Street 510.528.1360 www.brushstrokestudio.com Downtown Berkeley YMCA 2001 Allston Way 510.848.9622 www.ymca-cba.org/downtown-berkeley Habitot Children’s Museum 2065 Kittredge St. 510.647.1111 www.habitot.org Kids ’N’ Clay Pottery Studio 809A Allston Way 510.845.0982 www.kidsnclay.com Lawrence Hall of Science 1 Centennial Dr. 510.642.5132 www.lawrencehallofscience.org Sticky Art Lab 1682 University Ave 510.981.1148 www.stickyartlab.com Studio Grow 1235 Tenth St. 510.526.9888 www.studiogrow.com Berkeley Ironworks 800 Potter Street 510.981.9900 www.touchstoneclimbing.com

DUBLIN

LIVERMORE

American Swim Academy 6948 Sierra Ct. 925.479.7946 www.americanswimacademy.com

American Swim Academy 2821 Old First Street 925.373.7946 www.americanswimacademy.com

Chuck E Cheese 7448 Amador Valley Blvd.

925.803.0101 www.chuckecheese.com

Boomers!

2400 Kitty Hawk Road 925.447.7275 www.boomersparks.com

Dublin Bowl 6750 Regional Street 925.828.7550 www.earlanthonysdublinbowl.com

East Bay Sports 6474 Patterson Pass Road 925.455.8300 www.cabernetindoorsports.com

Dublin Iceland 7212 San Ramon Road 925.829.4445 www.dubliniceland.com

PartiPalloza 6253 Southfront Road 925.245.9913 www.partipalooza.com

Rockin’ Jump 5875 Arnold Rd., Ste. 100 925.828.7676 www.rockinjump.com

NEWARK

FREMONT

OAKLAND

American Swim Academy 37400 Cedar Blvd 510.794.7946 www.americanswimacademy.com

American Swim Academy 4150 Technology Pl. 510.657.7946 www.americanswimacademy.com

Bay Island Gymnastics 3775 Alameda Ave. Ste. E 510.533.3939 www.bayislandgymnastics.com

Bay Aerials Gymnastics 4883 Davenport Place 510.651.5870 www.bayaerials.com

Chabot Space and Science Center 10000 Skyline Blvd.

510.336.7373 www.chabotspace.org

City Beach 4020 Technology Place 510.651.2500 www.citybeach.com

Great Western Power Co. Rock Climbing 520 20th Street 510.451.2022 www.touchstoneclimbing.com

Color Me Mine 37324 Fremont Blvd 510.739.0200 www.fremont.colormemine.com Gymboree Play & Fun 39138 Fremont Hub 510.739.6150 www.gymboreeclasses.com Rockin’ Jump 39177 Farwell Drive 510.246.3098 www.rockinjump.com

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

Gymboree Play & Music 3433 Lakeshore Ave 510.834.0982 www.gymboreeclasses.com Kids ‘N Dance 3840 MacArthur Blvd 510.531.4400 www.kidsndance.com Museum of Children’s Art 1625 Clay Street 510.465.8770 www.mocha.org

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Pump It Up 2500 Embarcadero Ste. A 510.533.7867 www.pumpitupparty.com Trapeze Arts, Inc. 1822 9th St. 510.419.0700 www.trapezearts.com

PLEASANTON

ANTIOCH Antioch Indoor Sports Center 1210 Sunset Drive 925.778.6363 www.aiscsports.com First Five Center 512 West 5th Street 925.757.5303 www.firstfivecc.org

Build-A-Bear Workshop 1 Stoneridge Mall Road 925.398.2281 www.buildabear.com

Four Stars Gymnastics 1799 Vineyard Drive 925.778-8650 www.fourstarsgym.com

Expressions Dance & Art 3015 Hopyard Road Ste. I 925.200.9908 www.expressions-dance-arts.com

Delta Bowl 3300 Delta Fair Blvd 925.757.5424 www.deltabowl.net

Gymboree Play & Music 5460 Sunol Blvd. #9 925.249.0006 www.gymboreeclasses.com

Paradise Skate 1210 W 10th Street 925.779.0200 www.paradiseskate.com

The Pitching Center 7073 Commerce Circle 925.416.1600 www.thepitchingcenter.com

BAY POINT

Pump It Up 530 Boulder Court Ste. 100 925.600.9663 www.pumpitupparty.com West Coast Gymnastics 1056 Serpentine Lane Ste. #A 925.846.1010 www.wcoga.com

CONTRA COSTA COUNTY ALAMO Color Bundles 220 A Alamo Plaza 925.727.3137 www.colorbundles.com

First Five Center 760 First Street 925.516.3880 www.firstfivecc.org Harvest Park Bowl 5000 Balfour Road 925.515.1221 www.harvestparkbowl.com The Little Gym 3850 Balfour Rd., Ste. K 925.634.0034 www.thelittlegym.com/brentwoodca Rockin’ Jump 5641 Lone Tree Way 925.281.3335 www.rockinjump.com

CONCORD Chuck E Cheese 1611 Willow Pass Road 925.689.2808 www.chuckecheese.com

First Five Center 3225 Willow Pass Road 925.709.0874 www.firstfivecc.org

BRENTWOOD Black Diamond Kids Center 2015 Elkins Way 925.516.6619 www.blackdiamondkidscenter.com Bricks 4 Kids 3150 Balfour Road 925.684.4082 www.bricks4kidz.com Chuck E Cheese 6061 Lone Tree Way 925.240.8405 www.chuckecheese.com Color Me Mine 2455 Sand Creek Road Ste. 136 925.308.4548 www.brentwood.colormemine.com

Clayton Valley Bowl 5300 Clayton Road 925.689.4631 www.claytonvalleybowl.com Diablo Rock Gym 1220 Diamond Way St. 140 925.602.1000 www.touchstoneclimbing.com

JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Indoor Play Guide Diablo Valley Bowl 1500 Monument Blvd 925.349.5622 www.dvbowl.com

Q-Zar 2295 Willow Pass Road 925.521.9663 www.q-zar.com

Gymboree Play & Fun 3482 Mt. Diablo Blvd 925.283.4896 www.gymboreeclasses.com

East Bay Sports Academy 1441 Franquette Ave. #C 925.680.9999 www.eastbaysportsacademy.com

Sky High Sports 1631 Challenge Drive 925.682.5867 www.jumpskyhigh.com

Kids ‘N Dance 3369 Mt. Diablo 925.284.7388 www.kidsndance.com

Encore Gymnastics 999 Bancroft Road 925.932.1033 www.dscreationencoregym.homestead.com

UFC Gym 1975 Diamond Blvd 925.265.8130 www.ufcgym.com

SewNow! Fashion 3534 Golden Gate Way 925.283.7396 www.sewnow.com

First Five Center 1736 Clayton Road 925.849.8861 www.firstfivecc.org

DANVILLE

MARTINEZ

Danville Bowl 200 Boone Court 925.837.7272 www.danvillebowl.com

Bounce Farm 280 Arthur Rd., Ste. A 925.228.2028 www.bouncefarmfun.com

Studio Grow 3612 Blackhawk Plaza Circle 925.648.7529 www.studiogrow.com

OAKLEY

Ghost Golf 4383 Clayton Road 925.521.1913 www.ghostgolfconcord.com Jungle Fun and Adventure 1975 Diamond Blvd 925.687.4386 www.thejunglefun.com Pump It Up 1301 Franquette Ave 925.681.1060 www.pumpitupparty.com

LAFAYETTE Color Me Mine 3541 Mt. Diablo Blvd 925.299.2615 www.lafayette.colormemine.com

Pump It Up 5351 Neroly Rd. 925.978.1420 www.pumpitupparty.com

PLEASANT HILL Irvin Deutcher Family YMCA 350 Civic Dr. 925.687.8900 www.ymca-cba.org/irvin-deutscher-family

SAN RAMON Diablo Gymnastics School 2411 Old Crow Canyon Road 925.820.6885 www.diablogym.net My Gym 180 Market Place 925.244.1171 www.my-gym.com San Ramon Sports 2411 Old Crow Canyon Road Ste. G 925.831.9050 www.sanramonsports.com The Golden Skate 2701 Hooper Drive 925.820.2525 www.thegoldenskate.com Valley Cheer and Dance 2411 Old Crow Canyon Road Ste. Q 925.838.3159 www.valleycheeranddance.com

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

[ SEASONAL FUN ] WALNUT CREEK Color Me Mine 1950 Mt. Diablo Blvd 925.937.1559 www.walnutcreek.colormemine.com Lindsay Wildlife Museum 1931 First Ave 925.935.1978 www.wildlife-museum.org

Aquarium of the Bay PIER 39 Embarcadero and Beach St. San Francisco 415.623.5300 www.aquariumofthebay.org

Renaissance Club Sport 2805 Jones Road 925.938.8700 www.renaissanceclubsport.com UFC Gym 1501 North Broadway #150 925.939.4269 www.ufcgym.com TuTu School Walnut Creek 1001 Harvey Drive Ste. 170 925.357.5350 www.tutuschoolwalnutcreek.com

Dr. Ozzie Jafarnia

DDS, Board Certified

Dr. Noyan Aynechi DDS, Board Certified

Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry

Monterey Bay Aquarium 886 Cannery Row Monterey 831.648.4800 www.montereybayaquarium.org Hiller Aviation Museum 601 Skyway Road San Carlos 650.654.0200 www.hiller.org

My Gym 2256 Oak Grove Road 925.952.9791 www.my-gym.com

Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry

Just a Hop, Skip & a Jump – Out of the Area!

The Exploratorium PIER 15 Embarcadero at Green St. San Francisco 415.528.4444 www.exploratorium.edu

California Academy of Sciences Golden Gate Park San Francisco 415.379.8000 www.calacademy.org Children’s Discovery Museum 180 Woz Way San Jose 408.298.5437 www.cdm.org The Tech Museum 201 South Market Street San Jose 408.294.8324 www.thetech.org Bay Area Discovery Museum 557 McReynolds Road Sausalito 415.339.3900 www.baykidsmuseum.org

Nothing is more beautiful than your child’s smile!

Welcome to Danville Pediatric Dentistry and Orthodontics! ! Our office is committed to providing excellent preventative care for children in a warm, positive, and compassionate environment.

We specialize in comprehensive dental care for children of all ages with an emphasis on prevention and health. As your child grows, we are able to provide comprehensive orthodontic care for children and teens. This is to help create and maintain a healthy smile into adulthood. We will do so by providing excellent treatment at the right time for the right reason with integrity, honesty and a caring heart.

Your child’s smile is our top priority.

We are committed to making it the happiest, healthiest and straightest smile possible. After all, nothing is more beautiful than your child's smile!

4145 Blackhawk Plaza Circle, Ste. 203, Danville

Dr. Reem Stephanos DDS, MS

925-837-7745 • drozzie.com

Specialist in Orthodontics

JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

[ PARENTING ]

Is It Okay To Fight In Front of Your Kids?

by Dr. Laura Markham “Yesterday my husband and I had an argument at dinner time in front of the kids. My four year old daughter yelled at us to ‘Be quiet!’ … My two year old Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

had a tough time going to bed, which is unusual for him. Could that have had to do with mommy and daddy arguing?”

Conflict is part of every human relationship. If we live with children, those conflicts will sometimes come up in front of the kids. In the past, most experts reassured parents that there’s no harm in children seeing them fight, as long as the kids also see the parents make up afterwards. However, recent developments in neurological research challenge this view. Not surprisingly, it turns out that when children hear yelling, their stress hormones shoot up. In fact, even a sleeping infant registers loud, angry voices and experiences a rush of stress chemicals that takes some time to diminish.

So the research confirms what any child can tell you, which is that it’s frightening when adults yell at each other. After all, parents are the child’s

28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JANUARY 2017

[ PARENTING ] source of security. When parents seem out of control,

In those cases, be sure to summon up your sense of

the world becomes a scary place. This “mobilization”

humor as soon as things start to get heated, and close

response can make it difficult for kids to fall asleep,

the “public” phase of your discussion with a big hug, so

because the stress hormones can stay in the child’s body

your child can relax, knowing that no matter how difficult

for hours. Since kids can’t turn to the arguing adults for

the discussion, the adults are still committed to working

comfort, they stuff their fear, and it pops out in anxiety,

things out positively.

defiance or misbehavior.

3. Parents notice that they have a conflict brewing and Worst of all, when adults yell at each other, it gives

agree to discuss it later. Hopefully, this happens before

children the message that when humans have

there’s any yelling -- or you’ll be modeling yelling! And

disagreements, that’s the “grown up” way to handle

hopefully, you can close the interaction with a big,

them.

public, hug. If you’re too mad, take some space to calm down and then prioritize the hug in front of your child,

Is it ever okay for parents to disagree in front of kids? Yes!

with a family mantra like “It’s okay to get mad....You can

It’s terrific for children to see adults disagree with each

be mad at someone and still love them at the same time

other respectfully, and ask for what they need without

.… We always work things out.” This takes maturity, but

making the other person wrong. Even when tempers

it models self-regulation and repair. And it’s crucial to

get a little hot, if you can resolve things quickly and your

restoring your child’s sense of safety.

children see you repair and reconnect, you’re modeling the resilience of relationships.

What if you’ve fought with your partner in front of your child, and you wouldn’t exactly call the things you said

So by all means, go ahead and work through differences

respectful? Don’t panic. The risk factor comes from

that come up with your partner in front of your kids -- but

repeated experiences. But you might want to view

only if you can avoid getting triggered and letting your

your interactions with your partner through your child’s

disagreement disintegrate into yelling or disrespect.

eyes for a few days, and be sure your child is seeing his

These scenarios are actually good modeling for your

parents expressing lots more love than criticism. That’s

child:

good for your relationship, too, since the research shows that keeping a positive relationship requires seven

1. One parent snaps at the other, then immediately

positive interactions to make up for each negative

course corrects: “I’m so sorry – I’m just feeling stressed –

interaction.

can we try that over? What I meant to say was…” Kids learn from this modeling that anyone can get angry, but

Are you wondering about the research by Mark

that we can take responsibility for our own emotions,

Cummings, reported in Po Bronson’s book Nurture Shock?

apologize, and re-connect. You’ll see your child start to

Bronson reports that as long as parents “made up” with

apologize and course correct, too.

each other after the argument, the children recovered without damage from the incident. BUT as Bronson says,

2. Parents work through a difference of opinion without

and as Cummings the researcher stressed, the parents

getting triggered and raising their voices. For instance,

in this research were disagreeing, not yelling. And there

if you and your partner have a good-natured discussion

was no disrespect or insult in these scripted encounters.

about whether to buy a new car, your child learns that

Cummings has already established, with repeated

humans who live together can have different opinions,

research, that yelling and disrespect between parents

listen to each other, and work toward a win/win decision

is damaging to kids. In these studies he wanted to find

– all respectfully and with affection. Having these kinds

out whether “plain old everyday conflict” -- just ordinary

of discussions in front of kids is great modeling, as long

non-yelling disagreements -- were also a problem.

as you agree to postpone further conversation if one of you gets triggered and it becomes a heated argument.

So Cummings scripted encounters like those described JANUARY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

[ PARENTING ] above, in which the parents had a difference of opinion but did not yell at each other. As it turned out, even these disagreements were very upsetting to the children who witnessed them. Luckily, when the children also saw the adults “resolving” the argument with affection, the kids were fine afterwards. Cummings and other researchers have repeatedly found that yelling and disrespect are extremely distressing to children, so simply “making up” in front of kids cannot ameliorate such negative effects.

Bottom line: All couples have disagreements, but adult

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fierceness is always scary to kids. Children will recover if

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And of course, respect and refraining from yelling is best for our partnerships, too. Anger is a message to us about

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what we need. There’s always a way to ask for what we need without attacking the other person. It’s never appropriate to dump anger on another person, in front of your kids or not.

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