Active Family Magazine - February 2015

FEBRUARY 2015

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Volume 2 / Issue 13

[PARENTING]

[FAMILY]

[EVENTS]

The 3-Second Pause that Can Save a Morning & Spare some Pain

How Can We Maintain a Happy Marriage While We’re so Busy Parenting?

February Events

8

16

Protect Your Personal Life: 10 Ways for Saying NO at Work

Parents Too Plugged In? That’s What the Kids Say

30

26

The Phrase I Used to Hate

You CAN Stop Yelling, Here’s Your 10 Step Plan

40

24 [ENTERTAINMENT] Delectable Bay Area Bistro’s

32 [HEALTH] Ask a UCSF Benioff Oakland Children’s Hospital Oakland/Walnut Creek Expert

34

[FASHION]

36

The Teen Connection: Helping Teens Safely Navigate Social Media

Love Is In the Air: Romantic & Whimsical Fashion

12

42

[EDUCATION]

[WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS]

44

What Kids Can Learn From Volunteering

5 Biggest Mistakes Women Make in their Friendships

20

32 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

16

12

“At Stratford School, our teachers encourage children to question what is… and then inspire them to think what if…”

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Design/Production

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Teresa Agnew Craft

Marketing Manager

Ad Design/Production

Crystal Wigton

Lara Mays

Rachel Stafford Elizabeth Pantley Shasta Nelson Dr. Michele Borba Dr. Susan Newman Dr. Laura Markham Thomas Clennell, DPT Christine Burke Dr. Melissa Arca

Advertising Sales Manager April Gentry

Wardrobe Stylist Jeneffer Jones Punjani

Contributing Businesses UCSF Benioff Oakland Children’s Hospital Oakland/Walnut Creek The Growing Room Academy

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activekidsbayarea.com

Editor’s Note Boy has Valentine’s Day changed since having kids! Long gone are the romantic weekend getaways or the expensive three-hour dinners relaxing and gazing into each other’s eyes. Time’s a ticking and the babysitter is on the clock at $15 an hour!

Hopefully your love life hasn’t fallen too far down the priority ladder, but no one will argue that it’s hard being a parent while nurturing your relationship each day. Let’s face it, we are in pure survival mode! But it doesn’t have to be that way. Flip to page 16 to read Elizabeth Pantley’s ‘How Can We Maintain a Happy Marriage While We’re so Busy Parenting?’. It’s a question that many of us ponder, yet we just can’t seem to do anything about. Elizabeth’s helpful tips are easily implemented and can make a big difference, so start today!

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Speaking of relationships, marriage is not the only one we need to take care of. Shasta Nelson tackles the ‘5 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Their Friendships’ on page 20.

Both insightful and honest, Nelson dissects the idiosyncrasies of women’s friendships and what we need to do to foster deeper bonds.

Enjoy your February and be sure to kiss and hug your loved ones!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activekidsbayarea.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ PARENTING ]

The 3-Second Pause That Can Save a Morning & Spare Some Pain Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.

by Rachel Stafford “What becomes available to us when we greet one another as fully human? ” - Margaret Wheatley I wish I hadn’t taken my husband’s coffee pot and smashed it in the sink. I knew it the moment I steadied my shaking hands against the metal basin filled with jagged slivers of glass.

Regret hurts.

I wish I hadn’t peeled out of the gravel parking lot simply because things weren’t going according to plan. I knew it the moment my baby in the backseat began to cry.

Regret burns.

I wish I hadn’t run through the pouring rain, cussing and screaming about not being able to find my vehicle in a lot of thousands. I knew it the moment my daughter looked up at me with fearful eyes and asked if I was okay.

Regret aches.

I could go on. My list of overreactions is long, and it is shameful. I’d always liked to have things go just right, but during my highly distracted, stretched-too-thin,

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ PARENTING ] over-committed and under-rested years, overreaction became my middle name. And regret was right there beside it. Regret follows on the heels of overreaction every single time.

You will be fine. Come on, we need to go. The bus is coming.

These unbecoming incidents—the coffee pot, the gravel-spitting tires, and the parking lot confusion—have resurfaced in my mind lately. Although they happened years ago, I can remember them clearly now, more clearly than ever.

But I didn’t say them.

I remember being so upset that I was unable to think straight. I remember coming so undone that I couldn’t get myself back together. I remember detesting myself in those moments. I remember wanting to run away. But most of all, I remember not wanting to be that person anymore. Regret can be a powerful motivator.

How did I begin to choose calm over crazed, reasonable over senseless, composed over fuming? One of my strategies was making a conscious effort to spot the “flowers” instead of the “weeds” in situations and in people. Another tactic was adopting a mantra to silence my inner bully. Whenever a critical thought came to mind, I immediately interrupted it with the phrase, “Only Love Today”. Another tactic was to envision my angry words like a car crash, inflicting damage to the person on the receiving end. But it wasn’t until one week ago, after thinking about several embarrassing outbursts from my past, that I realized there is something else I do. I give myself a 3-second preview of how a situation could play out if I choose controlling hostility over peaceful compassion.

It was my children’s first day back to school after a twoweek holiday break. The school bus was due to pull up to the corner in four minutes. My daughters were doing their last minute gathering of shoes, coats, water bottles, and lunches.

“Don’t forget it’s Tuesday,” I called to my eight-year-old daughter as she headed for the boots lying next to the door. “Tennis shoes for P.E.,” I added.

My child stopped dead in her tracks. She turned to face me, gripping her right arm with her left. “Mama, my arm hurts today. Could you write me a note that says my arm is sore?”

You want me to write a note now? You should have thought of it sooner.

Sore arm? Let me guess—too much Wii? I am not writing a note for that.

I thought those responses. I thought them all.

Because as I was thinking about all things I wanted to say, I gave myself a 3-second preview of what those responses would do for the situation. From past experience, I knew those particular words would not help the situation—they would only cause it to deteriorate.

But here’s where the real beauty happened: While taking that 3-second pause, I noticed something.

I noticed there were real tears welling in my daughter’s eyes … real tears she didn’t want to fall … real tears she was actually pushing back with her fingers.

That 3-second pause was just long enough for me to realize this sadness, this pain, this worry of my child’s was real. And a note to the P.E. teacher was very important to her that day.

Grabbing a notepad out of the junk drawer, I scribbled a quick note to the P.E. teacher and handed it to my child.

I never knew I had the power to hand someone a little bit of peace … a tiny corner of comfort … a permission slip to regain composure … but now I do. My compassionate reaction to my child’s situation held the power to save a morning, to save a heart from worry.

“Thank you, Mama,” she said quietly. I actually saw the color coming back to her face.

I thought of my child’s sore arm throughout the day. I knew our conversation could have easily gone another way. And although I don’t always make the right choice with my words, I knew I had that time. Regret was not my companion that day.

“How did P.E. go?” I asked my daughter when she got home from school.

“Well, when I got to P.E., I saw they were doing something I could do, even with a sore arm. So I tucked the note in my pocket and played,” she told me.

There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have given my child that note. My response to her 6:55 a.m. request would have been underlined with control, exasperation, anger, and insensitivity. We probably wouldn’t have made it to the bus, and, most likely, we would have parted on bad terms. She probably wouldn’t have had FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ PARENTING ] the opportunity to make her own good choice in P.E. that day. There would have been no winners in that battle.

middle-of-the-night wake ups.

My responses are not perfect … they are not always ideal … I am human after all.

By the grace of God, things are different now. I now know every challenging situation does not have to be a contest to be right … to “win” … to have things go the way I want them to go. The goal of each situation is to speak in a way I can be heard … to listen in a way that the other person can be heard … and to walk away feeling at peace with the way the situation was handled.

Regret, it’s nice to see you go.

But if I strive to offer responses underlined with grace, understanding, kindness, empathy, and care, That is something.

That is something.

My list of overreactions is long and it is ugly, but today matters more than yesterday. I’ve started a new a list—a list of compassionate responses that I’ve offered. This list inspired me to write a hopeful reminder—a reminder that 3-second pauses have the power to save a morning, spare some pain, and prevent regret from being a lifelong companion. May it bring someone else hope too.

Because my responses are more than just words.

They represent who I am, who I want to be, and how I will someday be remembered.

I am My Response I am my response to my child’s mismatched outfit and the crumpled report card at the bottom of her backpack.

I am my response to my spouse who returned from the store without toilet paper but remembered the tailgate snacks.

Today I will not respond perfectly. I know.

But if I strive to communicate with hints of kindness and traces of love, That will be something That will be something That could mean more than words.

in OPEN 7 DAY S

I am my response to my anxious parent who repeats the same worries and insists on giving me coupons I do not need.

I am my response to my colleague with sad eyes and frequent absences.

I am my response to my 15-minutes-late hairdresser with a sick child.

I am my response to my neighbor with heart-heavy problems and little family support.

I am my response to the irate driver who cut me off and made an obscene gesture in front of my children.

I am my response to the waitress who got my order wrong.

I am my response to myself when I forgot the one thing I most needed to do today.

I am my response to spilled coffee, long lines, and 10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

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[ FASHION ]

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12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ FASHION ]

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FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ FASHION ]

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14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ FASHION ]

FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ FAMILY ]

How Can We Maintain a Happy Marriage While We’re so Busy Parenting?

by Elizabeth Pantley Is your marriage everything you ever hoped it could be? Or has it been pushed down your list of priorities since having children? Let’s face it, parenthood is a fulltime job, and it dramatically changes your marriage relationship. But marriage is the foundation upon which your entire family is structured. If your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you’ll be a better parent, and you’ll, quite simply, have more fun in your life.

Elizabeth Pantley is mother of four and the author of the now-classic baby sleep book, The No-Cry Sleep Solution, as well as The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution,

To create or maintain a strong marriage, you will have to take the first critical step: You must be willing to put time, effort and thought into your marriage. When I made this statement during a lecture, one woman spoke up. She had a quiet voice, but she spoke with determination, “Elizabeth, I hear you, and I know what you say is right. But I have three preschoolers! I work part time, do all my own housework, cooking, and laundry. I just don’t have any more energy at the end of the day to

The No-Cry Potty Training Solution and The No-Cry Discipline Solution along with seven other successful parenting books. Visit her at pantley.com

‘work’ on my marriage.”

I noticed that several other women in the room were nodding their heads as she spoke and they waited for my response. “I certainly understand! I have four

16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ FAMILY ] children and my own business, I know how busy life can be. But let me ask you one vital question: How would you like to have three preschoolers, work part time, do your own housework, cooking, and laundry, and do it all as a single mother? Because if you take care of everything else, and neglect your marriage, that’s what could happen.” Suddenly, every mother who nodded a minute ago was looking at me with wide eyes. The thought that their marriages, which were at the very bottom of their priority lists, could be in jeopardy hit them very hard. I noticed that I now had the complete attention of several of the fathers who earlier had seemed lost in their own thoughts.

Let’s take another look at the commitment statement mentioned earlier. You must be willing to put time, effort and thought into your marriage. The ideas that follow will help you follow through on this commitment and will put new life and meaning into your marriage. A wonderful thing may happen: You may fall in love with your spouse all over again. In addition, your children will greatly benefit from your stronger relationship. Children feel secure when they know that Mom and Dad love each other — particularly in today’s world, where 50 percent of marriages end in divorce; half of your children’s friends have gone, or are going through, a divorce. Or maybe it’s your kids who have survived a divorce and are now living in a new family arrangement. Your children need daily proof that their family life is stable and predictable.

When you make a commitment to your marriage, your children will feel the difference. No, they won’t suffer from neglect! They’ll blossom when your marriage — and their home life — are thriving.

SO HERE’S MY CHALLENGE TO YOU. READ THE FOLLOWING SUGGESTIONS AND APPLY THEM IN YOUR MARRIAGE FOR THE NEXT 30 DAYS. THEN EVALUATE YOUR MARRIAGE, AND I GUARANTEE YOU’LL BOTH BE HAPPIER. Look for the good, overlook the bad You married this person for many good reasons. Your partner has many wonderful qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle to your marriage is to look for the good and overlook the bad.

Make it a habit to ignore the little annoying things Dirty socks on the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter, worn out flannel pajamas, an inelegant burp at the dinner table - and choose instead to search for those things that make you smile: the way he rolls on the

floor with the baby; the fact that she made your favorite cookies, the peace in knowing someone so well that you can wear your worn out flannels or burp at the table.

Give two compliments every day Now that you’ve committed to seeing the good in your partner, it’s time to say it! This is a golden key to your mate’s heart. Our world is so full of negative input, and we so rarely get compliments from other people. When we do get a compliment, it not only makes us feel great about ourselves, it actually makes us feel great about the person giving the compliment! Think about it! When your honey says, “You’re the best. I’m so glad I married you.”

It not only makes you feel loved, it makes you feel more loving.

Compliments are easy to give and they’re free Compliments are powerful; you just have to make the effort to say them. Anything works: “Dinner was great, you make my favorite sauce.” “Thanks for picking up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful, you saved me a trip.”

“That sweater looks great on you.”

Play nice That may sound funny to you, but think about it. How many times do you see — or experience — partners treating each other in impolite, harsh ways that they’d never even treat a friend? Sometimes we take our partners for granted and unintentionally display rudeness. As the saying goes, if you have a choice between being right and being nice, just choose to be nice. Or to put this in the wise words of Bambi’s friend Thumper, the bunny rabbit, “If you can’t say somethin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”

Pick your battles How often have you heard this advice in relation to parenting? This is great advice for childrearing — and its great advice to follow in your marriage as well. In any human relationship there will be disagreement and conflict. The key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing and which are better off ignored. By doing this, you’ll find much less negative energy between you.

From now on, anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine the issue at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How important is this?” “Is this worth picking a fight over?” “What would be the benefit of choosing this battle versus letting it go?”

The 60-second cuddle FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

[ FAMILY ] You can often identify a newly married couple just by how much they touch each other — holding hands, sitting close, touching arms, kissing — just as you can spot an “old-married” couple by how little they touch.

Mothers, in particular, often have less need for physical contact with their partners because their babies and young children provide so much opportunity for touch and cuddling that day’s end finds them “touched fulfilled”. So here’s a simple reminder: make the effort to touch your spouse more often. A pat, a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage - the good feeling it produces for both of you far outweighs the effort.

Here’s the deal Whenever you’ve been apart make it a rule that you will take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch and connect. This can be addictive! If you follow this advice soon you’ll find yourselves touching each other more often, and increasing the romantic aspect of your relationship.

read in the paper, what you watch on TV, your hopes, your dreams, your concerns. Take a special interest in those things that your spouse is interested in and ask questions. And then listen to the answers.

Spend time with your spouse It can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you spend all your time being “Mommy” and “Daddy.” You need to spend regular time as “Husband” and “Wife.”

This doesn’t mean you have to take a two-week vacation in Hawaii (although that might be nice, too!).

Just take small daily snippets of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted conversation, or even just quiet companionship, without a baby on your hip, a child tugging your shirtsleeve or a teenager begging for the car keys. A daily morning walk around the block or a shared cup of tea after all the children are in bed might work wonders to reconnect you to each other. And yes,

Spend more time talking to and listening to your partner I don’t mean, “Remember to pick up Jimmy’s soccer uniform.” Or “I have a PTA meeting tonight.” Rather, get into the habit of sharing your thoughts about what you

it’s quite fine to talk about your children when you’re spending your time together, because, after all, your children are one of the most important connections you have in your relationship.

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[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Shasta Nelson, M.Div., is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship matching site in 35 cities across the U.S. and Canada.

Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her book Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends.

She also writes at ShastasFriendshipBlog.com and in the Huffington Post, speaks across the country, and is a friendship expert in the media appearing on such shows as Katie Couric and the Today Show.

Twitter: @girlfrndcircles

5 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Their Friendships

by Shasta Nelson 1. You Hope That Good Friendships Will Be Discovered. This is still numero uno on the mistake list. In fact I titled my book Friendships Don’t Just Happen to help speak to this very damaging belief in our lives.

But we all have examples of meeting an amazing woman that we connected with, loved, and experienced great chemistry with… only to never really see much, or ever again. Simply meeting each other and liking each other doesn’t make for a friendship.

And on the flip side, we all have an example of a friend (often someone we worked with or continued to see in some setting) that we grew to love that we didn’t necessarily have fireworks with when we first met them.

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] Friendship isn’t finding someone; friendship is developing consistent positive behaviors over time with someone.

And that doesn’t just happen.

2. You Stop Developing New Friends. You hear me say this repeatedly, but it bears the repetition: We are losing half our close friends every 7 years.

That means that life changes such as moves, career transitions, relationship changes, and different life stages each bring a shift in our friendships that frequently leave us drifting apart from some friends.

Realizing that friendship development from stranger to close friend can sometimes take a year or two, we don’t want to wait until we need close friends before we start them. We never want to stop paying attention to progressing other relationships from our Left-Side to our Right-Side of the Circles.

Just for an example, let’s pretend that our Committed Friends are at 100% with us– as vulnerable, as close, and as involved as we want. While we may not need to foster any other friendships to that same place right now, we certainly don’t want to leave them all at 10%, 20%, or even 40%.

Because the truth is that life happens and there are events that will leave those 100% friends less available (i.e. friend moves away, starts traveling a lot for work, has a baby/gets married and gets caught up in her life).

They might go back to 20% or 40%, and the question that begs to be asked, then, is whether you have other friends at 50% or 60% that, with more time and connection, could develop into more meaningful friendships.

We want to make sure we’re always welcoming new people into our Circles and fostering some of them into deeper Circles so that we have meaningful friendships at all levels, at any given time.

court now.” So not true.

We all have strengths to give to our friendships; and initiation and planning are just that– a strength that we all have in varying degrees.

I’m good at thinking up things to do and reaching out when I have the extra time and head space. I never think, “Oh I had them over last time… it’s their turn.” I think, “Oh I want to see them again, let me email them to see if they can come over!”

And they reciprocate in the friendships in plenty of other ways. They thank me for inviting them over, they helped make a night of meaningful conversation and memories, they asked about my life, they showed interest, they shared their stories with me. I got what I needed: time with friends.

Mutuality is important. But mutuality is not 50/50 in each task, but it’s whether we both are contributing to the friendship, overall.

If you’re the one who wants it, then make the ask. Don’t let your fear of rejection stop you from initiating what you desire.

4. You Compare New Friends With Close Friends. I used to do this all the time! I’d go out with someone new and conclude that the time with them just wasn’t what I was looking for. What I wanted was meaningful conversation, easy time together, lots of validation and affirmation, and just a whole bunch of obvious commonalities.

What I often got was two people trying to get to know each other, both showing up with their own insecurities (expressed often by one talking too much or both being very polite and image conscious), both wishing it felt more deep and less awkward.

We need to see friend-making as an ongoing way of life, rather than as something we do once and then forget about.

What I’d conveniently forget is that all those things I wanted come with time together with someone. My closest friends have gone through serious life with me and we’ve had so much vulnerability, history, and time together that it always feels super meaningful.

3. You Think Mutuality Means Equal Initiation. Oh so many friendships never get off the ground due to the fear in us that whispers, “I invited her last time, the ball is in her

The awkwardness, or lack of intimacy, isn’t a reflection on that person, but rather on that relationship. In other words, time spent with someone doesn’t show what FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] they can become, only what it is now. And right now it’s two people meeting each other so it’s actually quite appropriate and normal to not feel like best friends yet.

5. You Create a Story About Your Friends Actions. And this is the most common mistake that happens when we start feeling sour about a friendship– we assign meaning to their behaviors that usually either devalues our friend (i.e. “she shouldn’t make that choice or have that priority”) or devalues our friendship (i.e. “she must not care about me or prioritize our friendship”) when usually neither of those are the intended message.

judgment which never helps pull people together.

When we feel ourselves start to devalue people we love, we need to see that as an invitation to step back and own everything we can about what’s going on. Good questions: Am I mad at her because I might be jealous?

Am I judgmental because I’m insecure about my own life so somehow attacking her choices makes me feel better about mine? Am I feeling neglected because I need more support in my life and I’m erroneously thinking it needs to come from her (remember it’s our responsibility to make sure we have built up a circle of support so no

When we are feeling the love toward someone, we are generous with them, often assuming the best about them and their actions (i.e. she must be busy!). When we’re feeling like we have unmet needs that they aren’t tending to, often we jump to conclusions that end up putting a wedge between us and them (i.e. she doesn’t value me!”).

one person needs to be everything to us all the time!)?

Those stories are damaging. They cover up the fact that there is probably a need there that needs articulating and expressing; and instead comes out in the form of

and resources in it. I want to protect my investments, not

Am I looking for her faults to justify pulling away for some other reason? Am I keeping a list of wrong-doing without ever taking the time to share with her what I need?

We all too often start pushing someone away when it’s actually a relationship that has a lot of our invested time walk away from them too easily! Far more meaningful, usually, to salvage a relationship than to start over!

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[ EVENTS ]

February Alameda County FEBRUARY 1 FREE First Sunday Oakland Museum of CA All Day www.museumca.org

FEBRUARY 2 Groundhog Day

FEBRUARY 7 Learn How to Build a Heart Box Your local Home Depot 9:00am – 12:00pm www.workshops.homedepot.com

FEBRUARY 7, 10, 14, 17 & 21 Tyke Explorers Chabot Space and Science Oakland Ages: 3 – 5 Various times www.chabotspace.org

Nerd Nite Chabot Space and Science Oakland 8:00pm www.chabotspace.org

FEBRUARY 14 & 15

FEBRUARY 21 & 22

Black History Weekend Fairyland Oakland 11:00am – 2:30pm www.fairyland.org

Raviolo at Fairyland Bay Area Friendliest Clown Oakland 1:30pm & 2:30pm www.fairyland.org

FEBRUARY 15

FEBRUARY 22

Duo Gadjo & Quartet Concert Civic Center Library Livermore 2:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

3 French Villages, 7 French Masters Civic Center Library Livermore 2:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

FEBRUARY 16 PRESIDENT’S DAY Lunar New Year!

Happy Year of the Sheep

Lunar New Year Celebration: Year of the Sheep Oakland Museum of CA 12:00pm – 4:30pm www.museumca.org

Abstract Art Valentine Event Hosted by: Bottle & Bottega Mangia Mi Downtown Pleasanton 6:30pm – 8:45pm www.bottleandbottega.com

FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 15

FEBRUARY 23

FEBRUARY 13

FEBRUARY 20

FEBRUARY 11

FEBRUARY 19

You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown Berkeley Play House Various show times www.berkeleyplayhouse.org

USS Hornet Family Live Abroad Experience Alameda www.uss-hornet.org

Zoovie Night: Flicka Oakland Zoo 6:30pm – 9:30pm www.oaklandzoo.org

FEBRUARY 14

FEBRUARY 20 & 27

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY  Sweetheart Picture Holder Lowes Build and Grow 10:00am www.lowesbuildandgrow.com Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

Valentine’s Day Love Mission Chabot Space and Science Center Oakland 9:30pm www.chabotspace.org

Valentine’s Day Parents Day Out James Kenney Recreation Center Berkeley 11:00am – 4:00pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

Night Hikes Chabot Space and Science Center Oakland 5:00pm www.chabotspace.org

FEBRUARY 21 Lunar New Year Celebration Fairyland 11:00am – 2:30pm www.fairyland.org

“Ratatouille” Family Movie Night Rincon Branch Library Livermore 6:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

FEBRUARY 25 Wine Down Wednesday Hosted by: Bottle & Bottega Mangia Mi Downtown Pleasanton 6:30pm – 8:45pm www.bottleandbottega.com

Contra Costa County FEBRUARY 2 Groundhog Day Celebrate Groundhog’s Day Lindsay Wildlife Museum at the Lafayette Library and Learning Center 3:30pm – 4:30pm www.lafayettelib.org

[ EVENTS ]

February FEBRUARY 4, 11, 18 & 25

FEBRUARY 11

FEBRUARY 19

FEBRUARY 24

Off the Grid Food Truck Trelany Road Pleasant Hill 5:00pm – 9:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

Teen Movie – Valentine’s Day Lafayette Library and Learning Center 3:30pm – 5:30pm www.lafayettelib.org

Lunar New Year!

Happy Year of the Sheep

FEBRUARY 3

FEBRUARY 12

Leung’s White Crane Lion Dance Troupe Lafayette Library & Learning Center 6:00pm – 6:45pm www.lafayettelib.org

Adventure Tuesday Club Lindsay Wildlife Museum 1:00PM – 2:00PM www.wildlife-museum.org

Music of Duo Gadjo Village Theatre Danville 7:00pm www.villagetheatreshows.com

FEBRUARY 4 We Love Animal Families!

Lindsay Wildlife Museum Various Show times www.wildlife-museum.org

FEBRUARY 5 First Thursday Shop Local Day and Night Downtown Hartz Ave Danville 10:00am – 7:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

FEBRUARY 6 Monsieur Lazhar Front Row Theater San Ramon 7:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov Preschool Performance – The Brian Waite Band!

Village Theatre Danville 10:00am www.villagetheatreshows.com

FEBRUARY 7 Mother Daughter Tea Hacienda de las Flores Moraga 9:00am – 11:00am www.moraga.ca.us

FEBRUARY 8 Family Sweetheart Dance El Cerrito Community Center 3:00pm – 5:00pm All ages www.el-cerrito.org/recreation

FEBRUARY 13 Valentine Day Hearts and More Hearts Program Nancy Boyd Park Martinez 9:00am – 3:00pm www.cityofmartinez.org

FEBRUARY 13 – 15 “Love Letters” Showing Front Row Theater San Ramon 8:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

FEBRUARY 14 HAPPY VALENTINES DAY  6th Annual Recreation Expo Danville Community Center 10:00am – 1:00pm www.danville.ca.gov Victorian Valentine Making and Lace Forest Home Farms San Ramon 10:00am – 2:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov Movie Screening: The Notebook Village Theatre Danville 2:00pm www.villagetheatreshows.com Sweetheart Picture Holder Lowes Build and Grow 10:00am www.lowesbuildandgrow.com

Friends of the LLLC Presents: Sweet Thursdays with Claudia Long Lafayette Library and Learning Center 7:00pm – 8:00pm www.lafayettelib.org Movie Night for Charity For a night of fun, film and philanthropy Danville Village Theatre 7:00pm www.partyin-kindness.org

FEBRUARY 20 Mother Son Dance Hacienda de las Flores Moraga 7:30pm – 9:00pm www.moraga.ca.us Mayor’s Breakfast 247 Gregory Lane Pleasant Hill 7:30am – 9:00am www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

FEBRUARY 27 Friday Night Out – Black Light Art Show Diablo Vista Middle School Danville 7:00pm – 9:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

FEBRUARY 28 Recycled Percussion Dougherty Valley Performing Arts San Ramon 8:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

Out of Area FEBRUARY 4 FREE First Wednesday!

Bay Area Discovery Museum Sausalito 9:00am – 5:00pm www.baykidsmuseum.org

FEBRUARY 16 - 20

FEBRUARY 21 Night at the Improv Front Row Theater San Ramon 8:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov Pitch Perfect Sing-and-Quote-Along Village Theatre Danville Show time: 4:00pm & 8:00pm www.villagetheatreshows.com

February Break Camp: Imaginary Worlds: Witches, Wizards, Knights and Princesses Bay Area Discovery Museum Sausalito 9:00am – 3:00pm www.baykidsmuseum.org

FEBRUARY 23 Mini Monday – Animals Lindsay Wildlife Museum Ages 2 – 5 + Adult 10:00am – 12:00pm www.wildlife-museum.org

FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[[ EVENTS FAMILY ]] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek, People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail.

She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited

by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba

Parents Too Plugged In? That’s What the Kids Say

by Dr. Michele Borba Parenting advice I shared on the NBC DATELINE special “The Perils of Parenting” and wow was it ever an eye-opener!

“She’s always on her blackberry. It’s soooo annoying!”

“I hate it when he’s talking on his cell. It makes me feel sad.”

“I put a timer on the computer. When it goes off, it’s time to play with me.”

Sound familiar? After all, we do seem be complaining a lot these days about our kids’ online behavior these day. The deal is these complaints were issued by children about us! Yep, the kids are complaining.

Those were actual statements uttered by a group of four to seven year olds all fed up that their parents were always chatting, texting, or clicking away. And

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ FAMILY ] the kids sure had their reasons: Each chat, text, or click, they said, meant less time for “Mom and me.”

Each chat, text, or click also made the kids feel like they didn’t matter to their parents. “She likes her Blackberry more than me.”

Ouch!

NBC correspondent, Kate Snow interviewed the children as part of a Dateline special entitled, “The Perils of Parenting.” I was the parenting expert in another room with the parents who watched and listened to their kids’ comments. Hidden cameras and a crew captured everything on tape. (That special aired Monday, Sept.

13).

If you’re surprised on how the kids responded, imagine their parents’ reactions. “Shocked,” “Sad,” “Guilty,” were their most frequently voiced terms.

“I had no idea it bothered my child so much,” parents told me again and again.

Though parents may be amazed with their kids’ responses, most child experts are not.

For five years Sherry Turkle, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, has been analyzing how parental technology use affects kids. Her research found widespread feelings of kid hurt, jealousy, and competition-almost the exact comments the children shared on Dateline.

But the real hidden danger is that each minute we connect electronically means less face-to-face time with our kids.

Though there is no guarantee, fifty years of solid research shows that the best way to reduce risky behaviors and raise emotionally healthy kids is the strength the parentchild relationship.

So what do you think your kids would say about your behavior? Don’t be so sure they wouldn’t express similar concerns.

make sure you’re not plugged in too much to risk crucial family interactions.

There is no rewind or retrieval button when it comes to parenting.

Do an honest assessment on your typical daily online habits.

Start by identifying specific daily times you designate for family interactions (such as your dinner hour or when your child is open to chat).

Next, check your cell phone, text, and tweet logs during those times, and add up the minutes.

How are you doing? The key, of course, is to find the balance that works for your family, and then stick to it.

2. Ask the kids...I dare ya!

Have a courageous conversation as a family. Ask everyone flat out: “Am I too plugged in?” (And be prepared for their honest answer).

Also ask questions such as: “How will you let me know you want my attention? How can we start unplugging and connecting more?” And then empower the kiddos: “What do you suggestions do you have so we’re less unplugged?” (After all, this is the Net Generation. We might as well use their expertise. Research says the typical eight to seventeen year old is plugged in 7 and a half hours a day!)

3. Use voice mail and alarm features While there are clear advantages to social networking, don’t let the ease of an online connection steal precious minutes from your family interactions. Identify those key “family moment times.” Then turn on your cell’s voice mail features. Set the alarm on your computer that alerts you as to your online length. Set features to “plug you out” at designated times.

4. Create “sacred unplugged times” Kids say that family meals, school activities, sporting events, and after school (pick up and welcoming connectors) are when they’re most bothered by their parents’ networking behaviors.

6 Tips to Help US Unplug and Engage More With Our Kids Here are things you can do to make sure a plugged-in lifestyle doesn’t disengage you from your family.

Identify your own family’s “sacred times,” announce them to your family, post them, and then preserve them.

1. Check your digital records to get a reality check While you may have important business obligations,

5. Tune into kids’ silent signals Kids usually don’t give flat-out requests asking us to put FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

[ FAMILY ] down our Blackberries or close those laptops, but their behavior can indicate silent wishes. Each child has a unique way of letting you know they wish you’d plug into them more, so identify your child’s signals, tune in and then plug in.

Attention getters: Acting out, antsy, clowning Proximity: Moves in closer to you; grabs or pulls on you Sulking: Pouting or turning inward Annoying: Grabs your blackberry, throws something, unplugs you.

Hint: When we asked kids how do you know your parent is listening to you? The answer was always: “She looks at me eye to eye.” “He puts down what he’s doing?” “He tunes into me and not his dumb iPhone.”

6. Don’t text and drive!

If you caught the Dateline special you would have seen one very frightening segment: teens who were texting, driving and crashing–again and again. The real kicker was when teens were asked the million-dollar question: “Where did you get the idea it was okay to text and drive?” Their answer: “My parents do it all the time!”

Research also verifies what teens say. We are texting

and driving more than our kids, and it is sending them a potentially deadly message that it’s okay to do so. So do not text and drive. Show your teens how you turn off your cell and put it in your glove compartment the minute you get into your car–just as you expect them to do. If you absolutely must answer your cell, pull over to the side of the road and then—and only then–answer. Your kids say they are watching–and they don’t like what they see! Do you blame them?

Don’t get me wrong. There are clear advantages to Blackberries, computers, Facebook, twitter, and social networking including the biggest one: being able to spend more time with our families.

Let’s just make sure that we plug into our kids more than our Blackberries. Push the pause button every once in a while and check your online behavior. Remember, there is no rewind button when it comes to regaining family life.

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FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

[ PARENTING ]

Social psychologist, Susan Newman, Ph.D., specializes in issues impacting parenting and family life. She blogs for Psychology Today Magazine about parenting and her 15 books guide parents and help improve family relationships. Among them: The Case for the Only Child: Your Essential Guide; Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day; Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily. Dr. Newman has appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show, 20/20, CNN as well as other television and radio shows throughout the country: NBC Nightly News, ABC World News Tonight, FOX News and NPR’s Market Watch, The Takeaway and Talk of the Nation.

Her work has been featured in major newspapers in and out of the US including, China, England and Canada. To learn more, visit her at www.susannewmanphd.com.

Protect Your Personal Life: 10 Ways for Saying NO at Work

by Dr. Susan Newman For some of you, the tense and demanding workplace environment depicted in The Devil Wears Prada may hit a little too close to home.

If an annoying boss or colleague is ruining your work day by adding to your stress or intruding into your personal time, you’re not alone. According to an online job source CareerBuilder.com survey, more than half of workers say they work under a great deal of stress, with nearly 77 percent reporting they feel burnout on the job. Difficult co-workers, unrealistic workloads and overbearing bosses are only some of the top workplace stressors mentioned.

As I point out in The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever, it’s important to distinguish between who at the office is a friend and who is no more than a 5-9 office buddy. A stressful workplace can also wreak havoc with a professional woman’s personal life as many always agree to stay late, attend co-workers’ weddings, baby showers, and weekend parties and Friday night after-work get-togethers. If you are clear about the people you consider personal friends versus those you view primarily as business associates, deciding whether or not to mix business with pleasure is less complicated.

30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ PARENTING ] When it comes to office peer pressure or bully bosses, finding the right words to say ‘no’ can be hard. In the world of work—and out of it—nervy people will ask just about anything of anybody, either increasing your workload, eating up your free time, or both. They continually overstep your boundaries and think nothing of it unless you stop them.

10 tips for refusing to be the go-to person 1. Don’t make a habit of covering for the shirkers or you’ll be doing double duty on a regular basis.

2. Be mindful when work and private life responsibilities compete for your time.

3. Agree to requests only when the task is vital or necessary to keep your job or insure career advancement or you are willingly and happily able to help out.

4. In order to reduce the chance of being perceived as unreasonable, accompany your “no” with plausible alternatives, such as splitting up the task, getting extra help, or rearranging due dates or priorities. Offering options voices your refusal without having to say, “Are you kidding? No way.”

5. You can be just as effective in saying “no” without actually using the word aloud. Say instead, “Wish I could, but I am on overload;” “I want to help you, but it’s important to finish what I have to do;” or “What a nice opportunity—I can’t say yes or no, but will get back to you in a day or two.”

6. Don’t agree to do things for which the learning curve is too steep or too time-consuming unless you see a strong and beneficial reason to do so. In other words, before you say yes, think about what advantage it holds for you.

7. If you agree to too many requests, you jeopardize your efficiency and risk making errors that could hurt you in the long run.

8. Carefully weigh each non-job related request before giving an answer. Ask yourself: If the person truly a friend beyond the boundaries of work? How much time will it take? Do I really want to give up my evening or a week day?

9. Only you are in charge of you, and that gives you options. Exercise them. When pressured, tell yourself you will not be worn down.

10. If you give in to the pressure and loyalty you may feel, work will always take precedence over your personal life.

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FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31

[ ENTER TAINMENT ]

Bay Area Bistro’s We are proud to introduce Michel Bistro – a new concept of French bistro and Pastis lounge. They are from Provence in the south of France and are excited to share their love of cuisine and all that it entails with Oakland.

Their goal is to bring to Lakeshore avenue a bistro that offers traditional French dishes — with a modern twist — made with high quality products in a relaxed setting.

510.836.8737 3343 Lakeshore Ave | Oakland www.michelbistro.com

Sanctuary Bistro is a neighborhood plant-based bistro that is healthy for the planet, the environment and all living beings. They created a sanctuary - a beautiful space to find peace while enjoying local organic healthy vegan food with a farm to table philosophy. The Sanctuary Bistro is a warm, natural, organic location to enjoy with loved ones, family, and friends.

510.558.3381 1019 Camelia Street | Berkeley www.sanctuarybistro.com

At Artisan Bistro they offer you contemporary California French Cuisine from Chef/Owner John Marquez that is wholesome and innovative. The seasonal menu is prepared fresh daily with locally grown, sustainable ingredients. The dining room is contemporary, stylish and elegant, displaying natural wood beams, a cozy stone fireplace and exhibits by a local artist John Earl from Walnut Creek.

925.962.0882 1005 Brown Avenue | Lafayette www.artisanlafayette.com 32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ ENTER TAINMENT ]

Take a delicious trip to Italy -- without leaving the East Bay! Italy Native Gianni Bartoletti -- founder and former owner of Incontro, and the winner of three Diablo magazine food awards, has crafted a menu of fine Italian dishes with a creative twist that showcases fresh, seasonal ingredients. Enjoy a contemporary bistro atmosphere while their friendly and attentive staff preserves that old world charm.

925.820.6969 2065 San Ramon Valley Blvd | San Ramon www.giannissanramon.com

Vanessa’s Bistro 2 1512 Locust St. Walnut Creek, CA 94596 925.891.4790 www.vanessasbistro2.com

PHO Asian Bistro 4920 Dublin Blvd Dublin, CA 94568 925.833.0746 www.phoasianbistro.com

Nonni’s Bistro 425 Main Street Pleasanton, CA 94566 925.600.0411 www.nonnisbistro.net

Lemon Grass Bistro 501 Main Street Martinez, CA 94553 The Little Red Bistro serves some of the best, perfectly roasted organic, single estate coffee and espresso in the Bay Area. Check out their 20” Sweet or Savory Crêpes, wide choice of Panini sandwiches, and a nice variety of mouthwatering desserts and fresh pastries baked daily. You can relax or jumpstart your day at Little RED Bistro.

925.954.8274 690 Gregory Lane | Pleasant Hill www.thelittleredbistro.com

925.387.0388 www.lemongrass-bistro.com

Baci Bistro and Bar 500 Main Street Pleasanton, CA 94566 925.600.0600 www.bacibistroandbar.com

FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33

[ FAMILY ]

You CAN Stop Yelling Here’s Your 10 Step Plan

by Dr. Laura Markham

“Dr Laura....I’m trying stop yelling, but I can’t. And I can’t imagine getting my kids to listen if I don’t yell at them. ...Can you move in with me for a week?!”

— Cheralynn Like Cheralynn, most parents think they “should” stop yelling, but they don’t believe there’s another way to get their child’s attention. After all, it’s our job to teach them, and how else can we get them to listen? It’s not like yelling hurts them; they barely listen, they roll their eyes. Of course they know we love them, even if we yell. Right?

Wrong. The truth is that yelling scares kids. It makes them harden their hearts to us. And when we yell, kids go into fight, flight or freeze, so they stop learning whatever we’re trying to teach. What’s more, when we yell, it trains kids not to listen to us until we raise our voice. And it trains them to yell at us. If your child doesn’t seem afraid of your anger, it’s an indication that he’s seen too much of it and has developed defenses against it -- and against you. The unfortunate result is a child who is less likely to want to behave.

Whether or not they show it, our anger pushes kids of all ages away from us.

Yelling at them practically guarantees that they’ll have an “attitude” by the time they’re ten, and that yelling fights will be the norm during their teen years.

And as kids harden their hearts to us, they become more open to the pressures of the peer group. We lose our influence with them just when we need it most.

Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

But believe it or not, there are homes where parents don’t raise their voices in anger at their children. I don’t mean a cold household, where no emotion is expressed--we all know that’s not good for anyone. And I don’t mean these parents have perfect children, or are perfect parents. There’s no such thing. These are homes where the parents DO get their buttons pushed and get mad, but are aware enough of their own emotions to stop and calm themselves so they don’t take it out on their kids.

Do you think, like Cheralynn, that you’d need your own private emotion coach in order to stop yelling? Luckily, you already have one – yourself! In fact, the only way to become the patient, calm parent you want to be is to “parent” yourself compassionately. That means learning to coach ourselves lovingly through our own emotions, so we don’t take them out on our children. How? 1. Realize that your #1 job as a parent (after safety) is to manage your own emotions, because that’s how your child learns emotional regulation--from your modeling.

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[ FAMILY ] 2. Commit to your family that you’ll use a respectful voice. I know, that’s scary. But who else will keep you accountable? Tell your kids that you’re learning, so you’ll make mistakes...but that you’ll get better and better at it.

child to your inner state. Under your anger is fear, and

3. Remember that kids will act like kids – that’s their job!

They’re immature humans, learning how things work and what to expect. They need to push on limits to see what’s solid. They need to experiment with power so they can learn to use it responsibly. Their frontal cortex isn’t fully developed, so their emotions often take over, which means they can’t think straight when they’re upset. And, like other humans, they don’t like feeling controlled.

action--the anger will just melt away.

4. Stop gathering “kindling” -- those resentments you start to pile up when you’re having a bad day. Once you have enough kindling, a firestorm is inevitable. Instead, stop, take responsibility for your own mood, give yourself what you need to feel better, and shift yourself to a happier place.

5. Offer empathy when your child expresses emotion -any emotion -- so she’ll start to accept her own feelings, which is the first step in learning to manage them. Once children can manage their emotions, they can manage their behavior. Feeling understood also keeps kids from going off the deep end with their upsets so often.

6. Stay connected and see things from your child’s perspective, even while you’re setting limits. When kids believe that we’re on their side and understand even when we need to say no, they WANT to “behave,” so they’re more cooperative. Shouldn’t you “correct”? Not until you connect, first. Until your child feels understood and reconnected, he can’t hear your guidance. There’s always time to talk later, once you and your child have both calmed down and you’re starting from the warmth between you, instead of from your anger.

7. When you get angry, STOP. Shut your mouth. Don’t take any action or make any decisions. BREATHE deeply.

If you’re already yelling, stop in mid-sentence. Turn away and shake out your hands. Resist that urgent need to “set your child straight.” The urgency means you’re still in “fight or flight.” Don’t take action until you’re calm.

8. Take a parent time-out. Remove yourself from the situation if possible. If you can’t leave, run some water and splash it on your face to shift your attention from your

sadness, and disappointment. Let all that well up, and just breathe. Let the tears come if you need to. Once you let yourself feel what’s under the anger--without taking

9. Find your own wisdom. From this calmer place, imagine there’s an angel on your shoulder who sees things objectively and wants what’s best for everyone in the situation. This is your own personal parenting coach.

What does she say? Can she give you a mantra to see things differently, like “I don’t have to “win” here...I can let him save face.” What would she suggest to get things on a better path? What can you do right now? (Don’t skip this step. Research shows it works!)

10. Take positive action from this calmer place. That might mean that you try a do-over. It might mean you apologize. It might mean you get your cranky child laughing, and if that doesn’t work, support her through a good cry so that you can all have a better day. It might mean you blow off the dishes and just snuggle under the covers with your kids and a pile of books until everyone feels better. Just take one step toward helping everyone feel, and do, better -- including you.

The bad news? This is hard. It takes tremendous selfcontrol, and you’ll find yourself messing up over and over again. Don’t give up.

The good news? It works. It gets easier and easier to stop while you’re yelling, and then to stop even before you open your mouth. Just keep moving in the right direction. At some point, you’ll realize that it’s been months since you yelled at anyone.

The better news? Your child will transform, right in front of your eyes. You’ll see him working hard to control himself when he gets angry, instead of lashing out. You’ll see him cooperating more. And you’ll see him “listen” -- when you haven’t even raised your voice.

FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 35

[ HEALTH ]

Ask a UCSF Benioff Oakland Children’s Hospital Oakland/Walnut Creek Expert: Tom is a Bay Area native who attended UC Berkeley and earned an Bachelor’s in Integrative Biology in 2004. Tom went on to earn a Doctorate of Physical Therapy from Samuel Merritt University in 2009. He has received a certification in PNF, a manual therapy technique utilized for developing proper muscle patterns, strength and flexibility.

Tom has worked in the field of Pediatric Sports Medicine since 2009 and has helped athletes from a variety of sports return to their activities, including basketball, football, swimming, soccer, volleyball, baseball, hockey and track.

by Thomas Clennell, DPT Q: My children play baseball and softball. What types of injuries are most common for young athletes who participate in these sports?

A: Typically, the most common injuries occur in the shoulder and elbow. Most of the power from throwing should be generated from the legs, however when kids have poor throwing mechanics they tend to use their arms too much during the throwing motion. The downside to this is that the skeletal system of young athletes is still developing and the excess forces placed on the arm can damage or irritate the growth plates. In the shoulder this can commonly occur as “Little League Shoulder,” and in the elbow, this is “Little League Elbow.” These growth plate injuries can occur until puberty, but the stresses at these areas may continue to cause pain past puberty. In older kids, elbow pain can be injuries or insufficiency of the ulnar collateral ligament. Shoulder pain can mean labral or rotator cuff injuries. The

36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ HEALTH ] common thread in all of these injuries is that they are overuse injuries and preventable by seeing a health care provider when pain starts.

persists see a specialist • Don’t play year round and don’t do any overhead throwing of any kind for at least 2 months of the year

Q: What is the best way to prevent arm injuries in my young athlete who plays baseball or softball?

Q: My child always tells “I feel fine,” but what are some things I should look for and why it is bad to play through

A: Most baseball/softball injuries are due to overuse.

pain?

These overuse injuries are caused by repetitive stress on the shoulder and/or elbow. The combination of poor throwing mechanics with year round baseball/ softball leads to a substantial increase of injuries in our young athletes. Recent studies on arm injuries in young

A: Your young athlete will most likely not complain of pain because he/she wants to play. Instead you might hear the athlete complain of arm fatigue or local

baseball/softball players, report the best ways to keep

soreness. Even if they don’t complain there are things

your young athlete in the game are:

you can look for in your young athlete like: a more erect delivery, poor arm position/low elbow height, poor or no

• Warm-up properly by stretching, running and easy gradual throwing

follow through, improper foot positioning on plant leg or something as simple as shaking the arm frequently

• Rotate playing other positions besides pitcher

between throws. Playing through any type of shoulder,

• Adhere to pitch count guidelines • Avoid pitching in multiple games in overlapping

arm or elbow pain is bad for your young thrower. This pain will likely result in a change of mechanics during the

seasons • Don’t ever pitch with elbow or shoulder pain, if it

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[ PARENTING ]

The Phrase I Used To Hate

by Christine Burke (aka, Keeper of the Fruit Loops) When I was a new mom in 2003, I had the luxury of being able to stay home full time with my son when he arrived. Before he came, I envisioned long afternoons of cuddling and bonding, making gourmet meals for my husband and catching up on all of the books on my night stand that had gone ignored while I worked full time. It was going to be fabulous… ….and then our son got here.

Those long afternoons of cuddling were actually marathon sessions of feedings, diaper changes, bounce walking and repeating. The books on my nightstand got dustier and covered with pacifiers, extra diapers and parenting books (that didn’t get read, either). And gourmet meals? Um, yeah. We relied on the kindness of neighbors in those first few weeks: the people who brought us food instead of baby gifts were (and still are) our favorite people.

Nothing said, “We know what you are going through” like a home cooked meal (and if they came bearing a bottle of wine? I kissed them full on the mouth.).

After herculean efforts by both myself and my husband, we got a routine down and we stuck to it like glue. Everyone in the house functioned better if they knew what was going to happen next. Me? I just focused on getting to the end zone: bedtime. The days became weeks and the weeks became months. Truly, each day was a lot like the one before it and I kind of suspected that the next day was going to be a lot of the same. Monotony was the name of the game and this brings me to The Phrase I Used To Hate.

I am The Keeper of The Fruit Loops, Driver of The People Mover and Manager of The Fecal Roster.

In other words, I’m a mom. An Erma Bombeck Martha Stewart with a Roseanne Barr twist, I have the organized cabinets and mouth to prove it. I live in Pennsylvania with my ever budget conscious husband, two blog inspiring Fruit Loops and my extensive collection of thrift shop finds. When I’m not writing, I can be found running marathons, governing the PTA like nobody’s business and pinning things on Pinterest like it’s my job. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter and in the smash hit books “I Just Want To Be Alone” and “Scary Mommy’s Guide To Surviving The Holidays”. For more information about Christine Burke, check out her website Keeper of the Fruit Loops: www.keeperofthefruitloops.com.

I used to hear The Phrase I Used To Hate an awful lot in the grocery store. It was often uttered by a smiling elderly lady or by another mom who clearly had gotten rid of her children as evidenced by the fact that they were not with her but her grocery cart would be filled with organic milk, Popsicles and juice boxes (that, and she’d have make up on…). They would see me wandering in the aisle, sleep deprived, sans makeup and pony tail clad and they tilt their head and coo, wait for it, “Aww, I miss those days….”

Usually, The Phrase I Used To Hate was accompanied by some story about when their children were little and they would smile ruefully at me and walk away. I would stare after them and think to myself that there is no way that I would miss feeling so tired that I want to throw up. There’s no way I will miss considering adding breast milk to coffee because we are out of milk. I couldn’t possibly imagine “missing these days” because I still kind of missed my old “child free world”. When the Phrase I Used To Hate Was uttered, I always resisted the urge to say to these women, “Hey, lady, I have cuticles that are almost covering my fingernails and my toes haven’t had a pedicure in months.

Why don’t you take this little bundle of joy and relive the glory days while this mama goes to see her manicurist?” I’m proud to say that I didn’t actually say

40 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ PARENTING ] these words out loud….but I came close once or twice.

As I walked away from her (I can report that I stopped myself from telling her that my daughter had once been

As all parents will tell you, things get easier as the years go by. The kids got older, became actual little people and things became just plain fun (for the most part…. potty training does NOT count). Life became a busy jumble of soccer games, track practice, school activities and scouts. The day that we realized that we had gone on a day trip to NYC without a stroller, baby bag or diapers, we felt like we had arrived. Those sleep deprived days had become a distant memory.

Recently, I was in the grocery store, buying organic milk, Popsicles and juice boxes while my kids were at school (ahem, yes, you can see where this is going….). As I wandered the aisle, I came upon a mom and a newborn in an infant carrier. Nestled in pink and with a face of an angel, I was taken aback at how serenely beautiful a sleeping baby is and without thinking, I said, “Aww, I miss those days…” And I meant it. Oh dear. I just used The Phrase I Used To Hate on an unsuspecting victim. If she’s reading, my sincere apologies: I didn’t see it coming either.

that small), I realized that while I didn’t miss the monotony of those early months, I missed the simplicity of my days.

I missed the fact that our days revolved around Sesame Street, nap time and the next bottle. There was so much less expectation when you had a newborn: you couldn’t go anywhere easily and no one really expected you to.

But, now that my kids are easily portable, we are on the run constantly and our days are a chaotic jumble and very few resemble each other. We’ve traded monotony for chaos.

A dear friend is having a baby very shortly and while I’m excited for her, I’m also a tiny bit sad because it reminds me of a time gone by in our house. I can’t wait to hold that tiny bundle, get a good whiff of new baby smell and reminisce. But, I promise, that, when I’m dropping off a lasagna that will feed them for a week, I will only say The Phrase I Used To Hate quietly to myself. That, and I will make sure she gets out to have a mani/pedi while I watch that sweet angel.

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[ FAMILY ]

Dr. Melissa Arca is a pediatrician, mom of two, writer, blogger, and child advocate.

She is author of the award winning blog, Confessions of a Dr. Mom and writes a weekly parenting/ children’s health column for her local paper, The Sacramento Bee. In her free time you can find her at the beach with her husband and two kids (ages 5 and 7), coffee in hand.

The Teen Connection: Helping Teens Safely Navigate Social Media

by Dr. Melissa Arca Teens are actively engaged in social media, social networking, and texting. We know this, not simply by looking at the stats, but by seeing them around us. In the office, at coffee shops, and in their homes. Their smartphones and the world that is opened through various apps, plays a significant role in their social lives.

Teens are digitally plugged in throughout their day in an effort to stay connected to peers and family. And while they are incredibly adept at navigating online spaces and use new technology with ease; make no mistake that they still need our parental help and guidance to safely navigate their online lives.

Here are 5 ways to help them do that.

Be in the know. Did you know that 73% of online teens use Facebook and 24% are on Twitter? While these numbers are certainly a moving target among teens, we know that 90% of American teens are online. And the numbers are growing.

Teens need to be online to connect with their peers. Texting, sharing on Facebook, talking on Twitter, commenting on Instagram photos…it’s the new hangout for our teens.

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[ FAMILY ] And while many teens still prefer face to face communication, the reality for them today is that social media bridges this gap between busy schedules and the inability to meet up in person. Teens have a strong desire and need to connect with their peers. Social media has allowed them to do so.

about communication and being there for them when

But we also know the major pitfalls of being online and connecting during the teen years. The visibility, permanency, and potentially addictive nature of online use can wreak havoc for teens if we’re not there to help guide them in their online journey. And really, we need to know about these online spaces and be able to navigate them somewhat easily ourselves.

and help everyone keep their online use in check. A few

The bottom line is, we need to be mindful that raising good kids also means raising good digital citizens. We can’t really do that effectively if we don’t know where they are online.

Come up with reasonable consequences when

Communicate. Talk with your teens about their online use. It’s a big part of their lives. Ask them about their digital day. Who did they chat with? Did something happen online today that made them sad or angry?

What fun or cool ideas did they see or share online?

Use dinner and bedtime to open these lines of communication. Let them know you are their safe person to come to for concerns or questions about the internet.

Talk with them about appropriate online behavior.

Protecting their own privacy, not sharing embarrassing information/photos about themselves or others, not spreading rumors, and using the power of social media to create positive interactions. Remind them about the permanence of all such online use. Even texts. And, that the golden rule applies to online spaces just as it does in real life.

Discuss the potential drawbacks like cyberbullying, sleep deprivation, stress, and anxiety that online use may lend itself to. And remind them over and over again… never stay silent about cyberbullying. No matter what.

Tell someone. Get help. Silence only gives cyberbullying more power.

Give them space. Teens desire privacy from adult eyes.

That’s for sure and has been true since the beginning of time. A little trust and freedom will go a long way. Just be open about your monitoring. It’s not about stalking and knowing every single detail about their online life. It’s

they need you.

Create family screen rules, together. We all need to monitor the time we spend online, not just teens. So create some family screen rules together that seem fair suggestions: have screen free zones in the house such as bedrooms (no electronics in bed!) and the dinner table, set timers when you have other activities to get to (30 minutes then it’s time to go for a walk), give handheld gadgets a curfew (preferably an hour before lights out), and agree to never engage in threats/bullying/rumors. someone breaks a family screen rule.

Unplug to strengthen your connection. We all need time away from online mental clutter once in a while. And, we know teens want this too. Help them by having a day, an afternoon, or even a week of going completely screen free. Use this time to get outdoors, read a book, or simply hang out face to face. These are the moments that truly count anyway.

You just can’t reach out and hug someone when your hands/mind/face are enmeshed with a digital screen.

How do you monitor your teen’s online use? Any helpful tips to share?

More Reading & Resources for Parents and Teens: Common Sense Media: Social Media, Social Life: How Teens View Their Digital Lives Pew Internet: Teens, Social Media, and Privacy AAP: Talking to Kids and Teens about Social Media and Sexting It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens

FEBRUARY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 43

[ EDUCATION ]

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What Kids Can Learn From Volunteering

by The Growing Room Academy Looking to raise socially responsible and compassionate children? Seek out service opportunities for your family. Providing opportunities for children to volunteer alone, or as a part of the family, instills a broader sense of purpose; it connects them to their world in meaningful ways. Volunteering instills a powerful message in children, empowering them to understand that their actions can have a profound impact on someone or something else.

The Benefits of Volunteering: Small Hands, Large Hearts Tolerance — Children who volunteer in their community have the opportunity to engage and touch the lives of those from different backgrounds, ethnicities, ages, income levels, and education. Exposure to people of diverse backgrounds enables children to identify with and understand others in a deeper context.

Empathy — Volunteering develops empathy in children. Studies have shown that empathy is a pro-social attribute that might actually be a better predictor

44 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2015

[ EDUCATION ] of a person’s life trajectory than traditional academic success. Empathy is the corner stone to “non-cognitive” skills that lead to success at all ages. It is a key human skill, which connects children to others in a meaningful way. Empathy skills are strengthened through service.

provide an environment that fosters deep conversations for older, less communicative, youth. Working as a team strengthens the parent-child relationship and the family unit.

Getting Started

Sacrifice — The giving of time or possessions provides lessons in sacrifice for children. Sacrificing leisure time to help others or clean up a park demonstrates “giving” in a concrete way. Once this lesson is internalized, it also helps children recognize other’s sacrifices on their behalf.

Connection — The process of volunteering allows children to connect with others in their community.

Strong feelings of social connectedness benefit the health of both the individual and the community.

Feeling socially connected to others provides a sense of belonging. It can also create a greater sense of stewardship in the child. The overall impact is a child who is a responsible and caring citizen.

Job Skills — Volunteerism can pave a path to future careers. Youth can explore volunteer programs at hospitals and clinics, political campaigns, or environmental organizations. Long-term involvement can lead to leadership roles and greater responsibility.

Skills learned in communication and teamwork can be a valuable asset to youth.

Ways to Encourage Involvement Model Charitable Behavior You are you child’s greatest role model. Children who witness their parents participate in daily acts of kindness and charitable service are more likely to show interest and actively engage in volunteerism. Children who demonstrate great acts of kindness and empathy are emulating what they have witnessed at home.

Work Together Volunteering side-by-side with your child in any volunteer capacity is a big win-win. Children always cherish time spent with parents: spending it in the service of others is an added bonus. Parents can serve as great mentors as children learn from listening and observing. A parent can provide a sense of security as a child learns the skills needed to participate. Working together also provides great bonding opportunities. Focusing on a task can

Volunteer opportunities abound for families. Most alllocal charities have an online presence with information detailing how to volunteer. Some organizations even allow families to sign up online for designated time slots. Food banks are a great way to introduce children to a volunteer agency. Also, take cues from your children. If they have a particular interest, help them locate a charity that will benefit from their involvement.

And, finally, if you do not have the time to serve in the local soup kitchen, simply take stock of your daily routines. A trip to grandma’s house or the hospital can provide children an opportunity to reach out. Even grocery shopping can be turned into a charitable activity if children are encouraged to contribute a small portion of their allowance toward food items for others. By incorporating service into your daily life, you can be certain to provide opportunities for empathy, compassion, and social connectedness for your children.

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