Active Family Magazine - February 2016

FEBRUARY 2016

THE SINGLE MOST

IMPORTANT Parenting Action We Can Take Today

PARENTING UNDER A MICROSCOPE

Valentine’s Date Night Guide

Kids LoveShelby Us, J. Smith, DDS,Us MS, PC Parents Trust Pediatric Dentistry and Orthodontics

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Working with their parents, Dr. Shelby and her staff have been successful treating many children who otherwise might have been sedated. In addition, Dr. Shelby has a degree in Orthodontics so as her patients grow, the transition into braces is more comfortable. Seeing the smiles on the faces of her patients as they grow from tiny tots to confident teens is one of the great joys of her life.

2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

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Volume 3 / Issue 25

[ PARENTING ] The Single Most Important Parenting Action We Can Take Today

8

11 Strategies to Strenghten Your Partnership in Early Family Life

32

Ask a UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospital Expert

38 [ FASHION ]

Parenting Under a Microscope

26 Six Parenting Hacks For Life in the Fast Lane

[ WOMEN’S HEALTH ]

Family Style

3 Simple But Effective Tricks For Sticking To Good Habits

12

16

[ SEASONAL FUN ] Bay Area Youth Theatre Guide

Advanced Musical Study

24

34

Valentine’s Date Night Guide

[ CHILDREN’S HEALTH ]

36 [ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

28

6 Steps to Vaporize Your Negative Beliefs and Heal Your Self Criticism

[ EVENTS ] February Calendar

22

20

12 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

34

20

UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospitals Ranked National Leader in 9 Pediatric Specialties U.S. News & World Report Best Children’s Hospitals Rankings 2015-16

From broken bones to a serious illness, a children’s hospital makes all the difference. ucsfredefiningpossible.org

Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Marketing Assistant Interns

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Jaida Sinclair Alexis Faria

Amy Morin Laura Markham Carrie Contey Katie Hurley Amy McCready Angelique Champeau Macy Stafford The Growing Room

Advertising Sales Director

Fashion Editor

Kathy Brillheart kbrillheart@activefamilymag.com

Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com

Advertising Sales Managers April Gentry agentry@activefamilymag.com

Design/Production

Aileen Billdt abilldt@activefamilymag.com

Ad Design/Production

Teresa Agnew Craft Lara Mays

Sherry Mass smaas@activefamilymag.com

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note It’s February and love is in the air! Looking for a unique way to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Check out our Date Night Guide starting on page 29 and discover a place to challenge your significant other to bocce ball, cruise the lake by gondola or attend a local cooking class. Prefer to get the entire brood involved? Be sure to peruse the February calendar where you’ll find loads of family-friendly ideas as well!

Looking to liven up the wardrobe? Find stylish fashion inspiration on page 12! Hands Free Mama, Rachel Macy Stafford shares her words of wisdom and teaches us ways to give our children a voice on page 8.

As always, do take a minute to check out all the amazing products and services featured throughout the issue. Lots of local resources to help busy parents navigate their day to day!

Have a great month!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

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[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ PARENTING ]

Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.

The Single Most Important Parenting Action We Can Take Today

by Rachel Macy Stafford A few years ago, my dad apologized for being distracted throughout my childhood. “I’m deeply sorry for that,” he wrote. “I hope you always knew how much I loved you.”

My dad didn’t go into detail about what he was sorry for... He didn’t need to. I knew. I remember.

But I remember something more.

I remember walking across campus to my dad’s office every day after school for over a decade. Upon my arrival, I would find my dad sitting at his desk, surrounded by piles of papers and books. Although the empty chair sitting beside him was probably for a colleague in need of curriculum guidance or a college student seeking scheduling assistance, I always believed that empty chair was for me.

Dad would look up from whatever he was doing and greet me with a smile.

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

[ PARENTING ] Then, as if on cue, he’d place the cap on the black felttip pen that he used to grade papers or draft notes. The pen cap gesture was my signal. It meant my dad wanted to hear about my day. Sometimes I told him a few things; other times I went on and on about something exciting or dramatic that had happened at school. My dad would listen, nod, and sometimes add his two cents. Without fail, my dad would smile as if hearing about my day was the best part of his day.

This was the routine. From first grade through my senior year in high school, I had after-school chats with my dad.

I can’t remember a time when he said he couldn’t talk right now, even when he was working on his dissertation, dealing with challenging faculty issues, or facing budget cuts. When I spoke, my dad was all there.

My dad wasn’t perfect. He lost his temper sometimes.

He worked too much. He experienced periods of depression. But even through the rough patches, my dad always listened to me. He was never too busy, too distracted, or too desolate to hear my thoughts and opinions.

So despite what the critics say -- that giving a child our undivided attention creates a child who thinks the world revolves around him or her -- I believe otherwise: Having a parent who listens creates a child who believes he or she has a voice that matters in this world.

When you believe your voice matters, you have the strength to say, “Let me out of the car.” You have the courage to say no to harmful substances that can impact your ability to make decisions and prematurely end your life. When you believe your voice matters, you have the confidence to stick up for someone who is being mistreated. You have the ability to admit you made a mistake and say you’ll try to do better next time.

In the moments described above, I could have suffered in silence, but I didn’t. Instead, I spoke up. Why? Because my dad listened to me as I grew.

I am now the parent of two beautiful girls. One of my vows when they were born was to pass my father’s soul-building gift of listening on to them. For the past decade, I’ve used five powerful practices to strengthen my children’s belief that their voice matters. These are all doable things that can quickly become routine habits with a little time and intention each day:

5 Ways to Give Your Children a Voice 1. Stop moving and stop doing when they speak to you.

By looking up from the task at hand and looking into your children’s eyes, you are indicating that you value their thoughts, no matter how trivial. This provides both a foundation and an invitation for more difficult conversations as they grow.

Tip: If your days are full and you cannot give your undivided attention whenever your child speaks, make sure there is a time of day when you can be all there.

Maybe it’s at bedtime, or right after school. When my older daughter was 3, she began asking for “talk time” at night. It involved 10 minutes of her asking innocent questions and telling me trivial things and me giving her my undivided attention. She is now 12, and we still have “talk time” every night. As one would expect, the questions and topics have become more serious, and I am grateful to be part of the conversation.

2. Respect their words.

Maybe it takes time for them to put their thoughts into words. It’s OK; you don’t have to finish their sentences -- they will come. Maybe their opinion is completely nuts.

It’s OK; you don’t have to agree. Maybe they remember something differently than you do. It’s OK; you don’t have to be “right.” By giving them the time and space to share what’s on their hearts, you are strengthening their voice.

3. Let them speak for themselves whenever possible.

When my children have something they want to tell the coach, the waiter, or the sales clerk, I first let them practice what they want to say -- and then they are encouraged to speak for themselves. I will never forget when we were sitting at my child’s fifth grade parent/ teacher conference and the teacher asked if we had any concerns. My daughter quietly spoke up to say she loved helping her classmates, but there was one student who made her feel very uncomfortable. The teacher said, “I hear you. I understand.” I was relieved that my child was able to express this feeling of unease in an effort to protect herself. I commend the teacher for validating my daughter’s feelings with her response.

4. Let them be the expert of something.

When my younger daughter was 4, I could not locate my car in a mall parking lot and feared it had been stolen. She quickly pointed out that we were not in the FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[[ PARENTING ] SEASONAL FUN ] right section, and showed me the way. That night, I deemed her “The Parking Lot Expert” and she beamed.

She is 9 now, and still calls out, “Don’t worry, Mom! I remember where we parked!” She is “The Name Expert” in our family, too, because she always remembers people’s names. I also designated her “The Music Expert” because she knows how to tune and play her instruments, as well as sing out beautifully. Children soar when their gifts are affirmed and acknowledged. By letting them lead, we give them confidence to voice their skills and wisdom.

be you, muster all the grace you have and speak calmly in troubling times.

As a parent, you know how difficult this job can be. You know there will be days when you are dealing with heavy life issues. You know there will be days when nothing goes right. You know there will be days when smiles don’t come easily and harsh words are spoken too quickly. On those days, I urge you not to say “I am a failure” or “I am a bad parent.” Instead, I urge you to garner the strength, patience, and resolve to do one

5. Pause before responding when troubling information is shared.

When children describe shocking information or confess to making a poor choice, take a pause and try this response: “Thank you for trusting me with this. You did the right thing by telling me.” No matter how angry you are, or how much you want to scold them, it can take just one volatile outburst to shut down future communications with your child. “Thank you for trusting me with this” opens up both the discussion at hand and the discussions of the future. Think about who you want them to confide in when they are scared, hurt, or worried. If you want it to

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thing: Listen.

Listen with your eyes, ears, and heart.

Because someday our children will find themselves in a difficult situation and they’ll have a choice -- either to suffer in silence or to speak up. And perhaps that is the moment they will remember your eyes, the nodding of your head, and your thoughtful response. And suddenly they will be reminded that their voice holds value. And when you believe your voice holds value, it can be a lifechanger.

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[ FASHION ]

12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

[ FASHION ]

Left to Right: Diane von Furstenberg Freya Dress, $398 Nordstrom, Merona Tights, Target, $9.99 Tory Burch Marlene Boots, www.toryburch.com, Peek Tricia Dress, $72, Peek Audrey Dot Jean, $58, all from Nordstrom Boots: models own, Peek Denver Dress, $78, , Peek Montana Flannel, $42, both from Nordstrom, Tights, Target, $9.99 Tucker + Tate Faux Fur Vest, $52, Tucker + Tate, $38, Tea Collection Brilante Metallic Stripe Legging, $24.50, all from Nordstrom Tucker + Tate Cardigan, $58, Zoe & Rose Band of Gypsies Top, $38, Tea Collection Twill Riding Pant, $29.50, all from Nordstrom Extra Model - Top: Peek Francis Top, $42, Bottoms: Hudson Kids Collin Flap Pocket Jeans, $49 Tucker + Tate Track Bootie, $59.95, all from Nordstrom

FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ FASHION ]

Above: Ruby & Bloom Sequin Sweater, $36, Hudson Kids Dolly Skinny Jean, $59, both from Nordstrom Top Right: (left to right) Peek Chelsea Layered Sweatshirt, $48, Peek Greta Paint Splatter Jeans, $58, Tucker + Tate Track Bootie, $59.95 Tucker + Tate Fleece and Faux Fur Sweater, $38, Hudson Kids Collin Flap Pocket Jeans, $49, Tucker + Tate Track Bootie, $59.95 Pippa & Julie Floral Tunic & Legging 2- Piece, $48 Peek Alli Crochet Top, $48, Peek Kennedy Jacket, $68, Tucker + Tate Floral Leggings, $32 Bottom Right On Mom: Treasure & Bond Long & Lean Plaid Shirt, $68 Bailey 44 Shadow Waltz Skirt, $174 Jessica Simpson Calwell Wedge Bootie, $109.95 Olivia James Photography | www.oliviajamesphotography.com

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[ FASHION ]

FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ WOMENS HEALTH ]

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, psychology instructor, and speaker. Her book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do is on sale now. She’s frequently quoted in national media outlets.

She also writes for Forbes and About.com. For more visit AmyMorinLCSW.com

3 Simple But Effective Tricks For Sticking To Good Habits

(Even When You Don’t Feel Like It)

by Amy Morin Despite the best of intentions, our motivation to create healthier habits tends to steadily decline with time. New Year’s resolutions fade away by February, diets don’t stick after a few weeks, and budgets tend to get blown within a month or two of creating them. Resorting back to our old habits can cause us to prematurely abandon our goals.

Struggling with self-discipline doesn’t mean you have to raise the white flag and declare your efforts to improve your habits a complete failure. Instead, work to increase the chances that you’ll stick to your healthier habits – even when you don’t feel like it. Whether you’re experiencing a complete loss of motivation, or you always seem to give into temptation during a moment of weakness, these tricks can help you stick to your good habits over the long haul: 1. Plan ahead to reduce the excuses. When it comes to bad habits, we don’t just look for excuses to give to other people – we often look for excuses to give

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[ WOMENS HEALTH ] ourselves. For example, someone may say to herself,

talk yourself out of good habits simply because you

“I can’t find my gym shoes, so I guess I can’t work out

don’t feel like doing them. Reading a list of the reasons

today.” Despite the fact she didn’t look very hard, she

why it’s important to reach your goals can increase the

may be able to rationalize to herself that she’s justified

likelihood that you’ll stick to your good habits.

in skipping today’s workout. Proper planning, however,

For example, keep a list of the “Top 10 reasons I should

makes it less likely that you’ll be able to find excuses to

go to the gym right after work” inside your car. When

give up. Put your gym shoes next to the bed at night so

you’re tempted to drive home after a long day at the

you’ll see them first thing in the morning. Pack your lunch

office, reading the list can boost your motivation. We

the night before so you can’t convince yourself you don’t

make our best decisions when we balance emotion and

have time. Look for strategies that will decrease your

logic. A list that reminds you of the benefits of your good

ability to make excuses for ditching your good habits.

habits can balance out the emotions that impede your motivation.

2. Make it harder to give into temptation during a moment of weakness. We all have vulnerabilities that

Create Long-Lasting Change

can sidetrack us from reaching our goals. Recognize

Sticking to good habits can be hard work and mistakes

the times when you’re most likely to give into temptation

are part of the process. Don’t declare failure simply

and make it harder for a single moment of weakness to

because you messed up or because you’re having

sabotage your best efforts. I know someone who used

trouble reaching your goals. Instead, use your mistakes

to put her favorite store credit card in an envelope and

as opportunities to grow stronger and become better.

freeze it in a big block of ice. Online shopping was her downfall and she didn’t want to keep wasting money on her retail therapy indulgences. So her solution was to make it harder to access her credit card number and she found it was effective at curbing her bad habits. In fact, whenever she would go get the block of ice out of the freezer and begin trying to thaw it, the absurdity of her situation made her realize she didn’t need to buy anything that bad.

Impulse decisions can often be our downfall when it comes to sticking to good habits. Do something to buy yourself some time when you’re experiencing those “moments” of weakness and often, the urge will pass.

If you keep the cookies in a box in the basement, you might find it’s not worth the effort to go get them.

3. Create a list of all the reasons you should keep going.

Giving in and giving up are decisions often made based on emotion, rather than logic. When you’re tired, frustrated, lonely, sad, or angry, you are more likely to FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ EVENTS ]

February Alameda County FEBRUARY 1 - 10 East Bay United Soccer Tryouts Tilden Nature Area Oakland/ Alameda 8:00am – 9:00pm www.eastbayunitedsoccer.org

FEBRUARY 3 Lunar New Year Celebration Dublin Library Dublin 4:00pm – 5:00pm www.aclibrary.org

FEBRUARY 5, 12, 19 & 26 Friday Nights @ OMCA Firehouse Arts Center Pleasanton Times Vary www.museumca.org/friday-nightsomca

FEBRUARY 5 - 14 Disney’s The Little Mermaid Firehouse Arts Center Pleasanton 2:00pm & 8:00pm www.firehousearts.org/events/ little-mermaid

FEBRUARY 6 First Free Sunday OMCA Oakland 9:30am – 12:00pm www.museumca.org

FEBRUARY 6-7, 13-14 & 20-21 Bad Kitty On Stage Freight & Salvage Berkeley 11:00am & 2:00pm www.bactheatre.org

FEBRUARY 7 First Free Sunday Oakland Zoo Oakland 11:00am – 5:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

Curiosity Hacked Open Lab Oakland Lab Oakland 2:00pm – 5:00pm www.curiosityhacked.org/openlab. html

Second Sunday Yoga Park Boulevard Yoga Oakland 2:00pm – 3:00pm www.liznichols.net/wpliznichols/ lizs-yoga-schedule

FEBRUARY 8

FEBRUARY 18 - 20

Sing, Move & Read Together for Babies Under 1 Year Dublin Library Dublin 10:30am – 11:30am www.aclibrary.org

Improv Face-Off Firehouse Arts Center Pleasanton 2:00pm & 7:30pm www.firehousearts.org

FEBRUARY 13

Good Morning Farm Ardenwood Fremont 10:30am – 11:00am www.apm.activecommunities.com

Family Restoration Day Tilden Nature Area Berkeley 1:00pm – 2:30pm www.apm.activecommunities.com

FEBRUARY 20

FEBRUARY 20 & 27

A Botanical Valentine’s Day Tea UC Botanical Garden Berkeley 10:00am – 1:000pm www.events.berkeley.edu

Zoo Kids Oakland Zoo Oakland 9:30am – 12:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org

Parents Night Off Oakland Zoo Oakland 5:30pm – 10:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org

USS Hornet Family Overnight Pier 3, Alameda Point Alameda 5:30pm www.uss-hornet.org

FEBRUARY 14

FEBRUARY 27

Valentines Day Family Square Dance Ashkenaz Berkeley 3:00pm – 4:30pm www.ashkenaz.com Lunar New Year Celebration OMCA Oakland 12:00pm – 4:30pm www.museumca.org

FEBRUARY 26

Alphabet Rockers Freight & Salvage Coffee House Berkeley 11:00am www.thefreight.org/alphabetrockers Farmyard Story Time Ardenwood Farms Fremont 10:30am – 11:30am www.apm.activecommunities.com

FEBRUARY 28 Sunday Baby Bounce Fremont Main Library Fremont 3:30pm – 4:15pm www.aclibrary.org

[ EVENTS ]

February Contra Costa County FEBRUARY 3 Walnut Creek First Wednesdays Walnut Creek Downtown Walnut Creek 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com

FEBRUARY 4 Origami In The Library Concord Library Concord 4:00pm – 5:30pm www.ccclib.org

FEBRUARY 5 Preschool Performance Series Village Theater and Art Gallery Danville 10:00am www.villagetheatreshows.com Adam Gottstein’s Silly Songs Village Theater and Art Gallery Danville 10:00am www.villagetheatreshows.com

FEBRUARY 6 Mother Daughter Tea Hacienda de Las Flores Moraga 9:00am – 11:00am www.moraga.ca.us

FEBRUARY 13-15 Valentines Day Weekend Playland Not-At-The-Beach El Cerrito 10:00am – 5:00pm www.playland-not-at-the-beach. org

Family Concert & Instrument Petting Zoo Concord High School Concord 2:00pm www.diablosymphony.org

Adventures of Life Abroad Fisherman’s Wharf San Francisco 2:15pm – 3:00pm www.nps.gov

FEBRUARY 22

Family Night Hike & Campfire Nature Bridge Sausalito 5:30pm – 8:00pm www.naturebridge.org

Paws To Read Danville Library Danville 4:30pm – 5:00pm www.ccclib.org

FEBRUARY 26 My Girl Confidence and Leadership Workshops Modern Recess San Ramon 6:00pm – 7:30pm www.mygirlcoaching.com

FEBRUARY 27 Recreation & Summer Camp Fair Orinda Community Center Orinda 10:00am – 1:00pm www.cityoforinda.org Angels In America Town Hall Theatre Lafayette 8:00pm www.ci.lafayette.ca.us

FEBRUARY 28

Penguins + Pajamas California Academy of Sciences San Francisco 6:00pm www.calacademy.org

FEBRUARY 14 Valentines Day

FEBRUARY 17-21 Disney On Ice: Frozen SAP Center Santa Clara Times Vary www.sapcenter.com

FEBRUARY 26 Curious George Hofmann Theatre Walnut Creek 9:30am www.lesherartscenter.showare.com

Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

Out of Area FEBRUARY 2

Valentines Day

Groundhog Day Exploratorium San Francisco 10:00am – 5:00pm www.exploratorium.edu

Winter Birds Martinez Shoreline Martinez 8:00am – 10:00am www.apm.activecommunities.com

FEBRUARY 12 & 27

Ghost Golf 4383 Clayton Road Concord 11:00am – 8:00pm www.ghostgolfconcord.com

FEBRUARY 14 FEBRUARY 20

FEBRUARY 6

FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

6 Steps to Vaporize Your Negative Beliefs and Heal Your Self Criticism

by Dr. Laura Markham “I was born perfect. The rest is just beliefs that I picked up…I don’t believe them anymore. I choose to believe that I am perfect and whole.”

– Caron Goode

Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

Ever wondered why some parents can keep a sense of humor in the face of their child’s challenging behavior while another parent starts yelling? Why some parents plague themselves with criticism, worry and doubt while others seem more able to just relax and enjoy their children?

Yes, some children are more challenging than others. But whatever our child’s behavior, some of us find it harder to stay calm than others. Why? Sometimes, it’s just our stress level. We all know that when we’re under stress, we’re less patient.

But most often it’s our own thoughts and attitudes, which means the way we’re interpreting the situation. So where one parent might respond to a child’s rudeness with quiet dignity and curiosity about why the child is so upset, another might get triggered, believing that defiance is dangerous.

We don’t even notice such beliefs, which are usually unconscious and were

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] often shaped in early childhood. For instance, • If our parents reacted harshly when we got upset, we concluded that getting emotional is an emergency, and we go into fight or flight mode when our child gets upset -- so our child looks like the enemy.

• If we weren’t treated with respect when we were young, we may grow into adults who perceive others as disrespecting us -- and we often react with anger to the slightest defiance, even from a three year old.

• If we never felt really seen and heard and appreciated for who we are, we may think that children who are being emotional or acting out “just want attention” -as if that’s a bad thing!

• If we concluded as children that we simply weren’t good enough, then we’ll set impossibly high standards and torment ourselves with self-criticism.

• If our experiences with our own parents made us suspect we weren’t lovable, we may doubt our ability to unconditionally love our own children, and we may withhold love from ourselves.

We often talk about thoughts and beliefs as if they’re interchangeable. Actually, beliefs are more like a subconscious worldview that shapes how we perceive our experiences, and gives rise to our thoughts. So our beliefs are what lead us to get so upset at our kids, and ourselves.

Why is the mind so self-critical? One of the core beliefs of most minds is that until we’re perfect, we don’t deserve to be loved, and if we aren’t loved, we’ll die. So the mind has a big incentive to bludgeon us into perfection. Guess where the mind formed that belief?

• When we were infants, and would have died if we couldn’t get our parents to love and care for us.

• When our parents, because of their own issues, couldn’t unconditionally love us, so we concluded that we weren’t lovable.

• When we were punished as children and secretly gave up on being able to please our parents.

• Anytime we felt criticized, and judged ourselves as not good enough.

Want to heal your self-criticism? Six simple steps. (Okay, not so easy. But simple. You can do this.)

1. Say aloud: “I have to be perfect to be loved.” Notice your emotional and/or physical reaction. (For me, this phrase makes me crumple.) This is what we’re going to heal. Now just put that aside for a moment.

2. How did your parents react when you displeased

them? Imagine a particular incident from your childhood. Play the scene out in your mind with you as the observer. Notice their reactions. Notice your reactions, inside and out. What did you conclude?

3. Can you see why you concluded that you weren’t “good enough” to be lovable, just the way you were, from this interaction and others? After you “learned” this belief, you applied it to many other situations.

Thoughts derived from this belief create your feelings in interactions even today.

4. Imagine a compassionate observer. Might someone watching have formed a different interpretation than you did? For instance, might they have concluded that?

• Your parents were well-intentioned and loved you, but were misinformed about bringing up emotionally healthy children?

• Your parents’ expectations were unreasonable?

• Even if you had been perfect your parents might have found fault with you just because they were human and hadn’t been unconditionally loved themselves?

• Humans are by definition imperfect, but you were then and are now “more than enough” and completely lovable?

5. Give your younger self an alternate explanation for your parents’ behavior. Tell yourself: “You are lovable and more than enough, just the way you are.” Say it aloud. (Yes, aloud. That’s an important part of reprogramming your subconscious.) How does that feel?

Say it again. Let that good feeling sink in. Say it again: “I am more than enough.”

6. Now say aloud again: “I have to be perfect to be loved.” Notice your emotional reaction. Are you indignant now, rather than hopeless? That’s a good sign.

If the words just feel flat, with no emotional resonance, they’re no longer true for you. If they feel even a bit true, just keep repeating this exercise until the belief is gone.

A deep belief like this one can take some daily reflection to “reprogram,” maybe even a few minutes daily for a month. But since this belief is behind so much of our inner criticism, it’s worth it. Even, potentially, miraculous.

Aside to self-critical parents: Are you feeling a bit nervous about the beliefs your child is forming? You don’t have to be perfect. Deep beliefs don’t derive from a single incident but the accumulation of repeated parent-child interactions. Just keep supporting yourself to stay emotionally regulated and connected, and your child’s beliefs will keep evolving as you do.

FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Bay Area

Youth Theatre Guide

Alameda County ALAMEDA Bay Area Children’s Theatre 510.296.4433 www.bactheatre.org The Bay Area Children’s Theater offers performance-based classes to give children special opportunities and experiences that can build their self-confidence, impart self-reliance, and prepare them for success in the adult world ahead.

OAKLAND Bay Area Children’s Theatre

FREMONT Starstruck Theatre

510.296.4433 www.bactheatre.org

510.659.1319 www.starstrucktheatre.org

The Bay Area Children’s Theater offers performance-based classes to give children special opportunities and experiences that can build their self-confidence, impart self-reliance, and prepare them for success in the adult world ahead.

Starstruck believes in providing an environment where students continue to be appropriately challenged, and build the beginnings of a life-long love of dance, music, and theatre.

Kids N’ Dance 510.531.4400 www.kidsndance.com Kids N’ Dance musical theater program teaches vocal, dance, and acting skills in a creative, supportive, and FUN environment, culminating in stage performances for each level of study. Auditions vary by class level.

PLEASANTON Bay Area Children’s Theatre 510.296.4433 www.bactheatre.org

BERKELEY Berkeley Playhouse 510.845.8542 www.berkeleyplayhouse.org

The Bay Area Children’s Theater offers performance-based classes to give children special opportunities and experiences that can build their self-confidence, impart self-reliance, and prepare them for success in the adult world ahead.

The Berkeley Playhouse acclaimed programs gives talented students the opportunity to participate in full-scale, youth-only productions of the highest quality with some of the best professional directors, choreographers, and designers in the Bay Area. An audition is required to be admitted into the program.

DUBLIN Grand Performing Arts 925.895.9727 www.grandperformingarts.com An educational based community theater company design to guide and share a love and appreciation of the performing arts. The gifts that Grand Performing Arts aims to pass along to its participants far surpass singing and dancing.

Contra Costa County EL CERRITO Bay Area Children’s Theatre 510.296.4433 www.bactheatre.org The Bay Area Children’s Theater offers performance-based classes to give children special opportunities and experiences that can build their self-confidence, impart self-reliance, and prepare them for success in the adult world ahead.

LAFAYETTE Kids N’ Dance 510.531.4400 www.kidsndance.com Kids N’ Dance musical theater program teaches vocal, dance, and acting skills in a creative, supportive, and FUN environment, culminating in stage performances for each level of study. Auditions vary by class level.

PLEASANT HILL Diablo Theatre Company 925.944.1565 www.singouttheatre.org

Firehouse Arts Center 925.931.4848 www.firehousearts.org The Firehouse Arts Center is designed to promote participation in recreational experiences as they relate to the arts. Examples include a thriving youth theater program that offers classes, rehearsals, and performance opportunities for young people.

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

At By the Kids For the Kids, put on by the Diablo Theatre Company, your student will work and play with their peers, learning music and choreography to create exciting theatrical numbers.

SAN LEANDRO Bay Area Children’s Theatre 510.296.4433 www.bactheatre.org The Bay Area Children’s Theater offers performance-based classes to give chil-

[ SEASONAL FUN ] dren special opportunities and experiences that can build their self-confidence, impart self-reliance, and prepare them for success in the adult world ahead.

plays and musicals and diverse, contemporary theatre for the 21st century.

SAN RAMON Bay Area Children’s Theatre

650.463.4930 www.cityofpaloalto.org

510.296.4433 www.bactheatre.org The Bay Area Children’s Theater offers performance-based classes to give children special opportunities and experiences that can build their self-confidence, impart self-reliance, and prepare them for success in the adult world ahead.

WALNUT CREEK Contra Costa Musical Theatre 925.210.0268 www.ccmt.org/home The Contra Costa Musical Theatre is a community based non-profit organization whose mission is to foster appreciation for and involvement in musical theatre of the highest quality.

Youth Theater Company 925.943.5846 www.youththeatrecompany.org The Youth Theatre Company engages children, kindergarten through high school age in Musical Theatre performance and theatre education. Students learn theatre basics in our four stepping stone programs and become community leaders

Out of Area MOUNTAIN VIEW Peninsula Youth Theatre 650.988.8798 www.pytnet.org The Peninsula Youth Theatre offers a variety of classes for children ages 3.5 and up. From traditional acting and singing classes to intensive camps, they are proud to offer classes and camps for all ages to enjoy.

PACIFICA

PALO ALTO Children’s Theatre of Palo Alto

At the Children’s Theatre, the process and product are of equal importance in creating excellent theatre for young audiences. Through multi-arts education, the Children’s Theatre develops lifelong skills such as critical and creative thinking, cooperation, and aesthetic sensitivity.

SANTA CLARA Roberta Jones Junior Theatre www.apm.activecommunities.com/santaclara/Activity_Search The Roberta Jones Junior Theatre program fosters a strong sense of place and community for participants and the general public. Youths are given opportunities for self-expression in a fun, safe environment where they improve selfesteem, confidence and social skills while learning the value of personal responsibility from adult role models.

SAN CARLOS San Carlos Children’s Theater 650.594.2730 www.sancarloschildrenstheater.com The San Carlos Children’s Theater is a volunteer-led, non-profit organization committed to educating youth in all aspects of theater production while nurturing creative expression, self-confidence, teamwork, and an appreciation for the arts.

SAN FRANCISCO The Young Performers Theatre 415.346.5550 www.ypt.org The Young Performers Theatre offers a variety of classes to ages of children from as young as 3.5 to 15. All of these classes are designed to spark and cultivate a love of theatre in the children we work with.

Pacifica Spindrift Players

Musical Theatre Works

650.359.8002 www.pacificaspindriftplayers.org

415.689.4413 www.musicaltheatreworks.org

The Pacific Spindrift Players Theater offers opportunities for adults and young people to learn and develop the art of live theatre through play production experience. They present revivals of traditional

The Musical Theatre Works (MTW) is celebrating 17 years of offering professional Broadway show experiences for young actors in San Francisco. Students from Kindergarten to 9th grade come to MTW

to sing, dance and act on stage, under the guidance of professional directors and designers.

Kids Stock Inc. 415.753.3737 www.kidstockinc.org Every child who enrolls with Kids Stock Inc. receives a role in one of their original productions and, throughout the rehearsal process, is taught basic dramatic principles as the cast works with their talented and dedicated staff members to bring those roles to life.

SAN JOSE Children’s Musical Theatre of San Jose 408.288.5437 www.cmtsj.org At CMT, being a performer in one of their productions includes training in performance arts, but also includes learning about the history, culture, context and artistic significance of the show. Educational experts have reported that CMT programs contribute to success in and out of school, and support important developmental assets in youth performers.

Willow Glen Children’s Theatre 408.448.6400 www.wgct.org At Willow Glen Children’s Theater, kids participate in the entire process of creating an original play, from the very first spark of an idea to the final moment of taking a bow on stage! This workshop draws children in right from the start with theatre games and improvised scenes. Each workshop culminates in an original production!

SAN MATEO Pied Piper Players 650.992.7422 www.piedpiperplayers.org Pied Piper Players sets high goals in theater arts, inspiring its participants to achieve excellence. Their goal is to use theater to give children, young adults and other cast members meaningful exposure to collaborative teamwork.

FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ PARENTING ]

Parenting Under a Microscope

by Katie Hurley, LCSW Katie Hurley, LCSW, is a child and adolescent psychotherapist and author of The Happy Kid Handbook. Her work can be found on EverydayFamily, Momtastic, mom.me, Yahoo Parenting, PBS Parents and The Huffington Post.

Katie writes the parenting blog, Practical Parenting. Katie splits her time between Los Angeles and the Connecticut coast with her rock and roll husband and their two happy children.

Once upon a time, in a land that no longer seems to exist, parenting was just parenting. Diapers were changed (cloth because disposables weren’t available), babies were given solid foods at (gasp!) three months and people just went about their business.

Parenting was just parenting.

Parents today are under a microscope. Every time you turn around, someone has advice or a very strong opinion about the best way to parent. Other parents, parenting experts, teachers and even helpful grandparents have the latest and greatest parenting information at their fingertips.

And I dare you to try to relax with a latte and your favorite magazine without finding either some tidbit of parenting know-how that you might have missed along the way or the latest celebrity mom sharing her secrets to happy parenting.

But it’s not just about the advice. It’s the feeling of being watched. Every parenting move you make is subject to evaluation by someone in your circle.

The question is, was it always like this? Did parents always feel watched? Did they always feel a need to do their very best parenting every minute of the

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

[ PARENTING ]

day?

your brain.

This parenting microscope that follows us around has created a generation of neurotic parents. Kids are over-scheduled, in need of sleep and severely lacking in unstructured playtime because parents are consumed with getting them enrolled in the very best of everything.

The kid who has the best of the best, it seems, must also have the best parent.

I recently received a text message from a family member who read an article in Time about bedtime math. She thought it sounded like a great idea for my kids. Is she worried that my kids are falling behind in math at ages 4 and 6? I laughed when I saw the text. I laughed harder when I read the article. While I’m sure there are kids out there who might benefit from shifting the focus from reading to math before bedtime, I’m certain that my kids are doing just fine at the moment.

Since when are parents not allowed mistakes?

The truth is that the stress that parents experience from being under the microscope trickles down to the kids.

Unless we want to raise a generation of completely neurotic individuals who fear judgment around every corner and don’t know how to slow down, it’s time to step out from under that microscope.

Find your instinct: Somewhere along the way, parents stopped relying on instinct. This generation of instant gratification parents seems to double-check every decision before moving forward. Can my baby have pears? Google it. Does my toddler have ADD because he throws tantrums five times a day? Better check the latest and greatest parenting manual. The checking and overthinking is endless.

Reconnect with that inner voice that actually knows when to start solid foods and how to handle a sibling squabble. You don’t need a book or an expert on speed dial to get through each day; you simply need to do what’s right for your family.

Get to know your kids: If parents spent as much time actively engaging with their kids as they do worrying about what other people think of their parenting skills, they would have a much easier time parenting.

When you take the time to get to know each of your kids as individuals, you figure out what they need. They are all different. There is no single parenting manual that can solve all of your problems and address the unique needs of your children. Sure, information is useful. Just make sure that you take that information and tailor it to the individual needs of each child.

Use the advice that comes in handy and let the rest escape your mind. The advice won’t stop coming, but that doesn’t mean you have to listen to it.

The microscope will make you anxious. It will make you question every decision you make and do things that you wouldn’t ordinarily do. It will add significant stress to your parenting experience, if you let it.

Step out from under that microscope. Rely on instinct and be the best parent that you can be at any given time. Your kids will thank you for it.

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[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Date Night Guide Alameda County BERKELEY Claremont Hotel Couples Massage Claremont Club & Spa, A Fairmont Hotel 41 Tunnel Road | 510.549.8566 www.fairmont.com/claremont-berkeley/spa Indulge in a relaxing evening for two at the Claremont Club & Spa in Berkeley. Claremont’s couples massage offers a therapeutic massage and dinner for two. Guests begin by soaking in a saline whirlpool, with expansive views of the San Francisco Bay and skyline.

OAKLAND Chabot Space and Science Center 10000 Skyline Boulevard | 510.336.7373 www.chabotspace.org Looking for a unique date night? Travel to space with dinner, movie, and a planetarium show at the Chabot Space & Science Center. Chabot Space & Science Center offers After Dark hours on Friday and Saturday evenings. Top off the night with a spectacular telescope viewing of the galaxies.

Gondola Tour of Lake Merritt Gondola Servizio 1520 Lakeside Drive | 510.663.6603 gondolaservizio.com Get away from the city and enjoy a day on the water. Gondola Servizio offers authentic Venetian gondola tours on Lake Merritt in Oakland. 30-minute and 50-minute cruises are available for couples or groups, as well as special holiday packages. This enchanting gondola ride will make you feel as if you are in Italy!

28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

First Friday Art Walk by Oakland Art Murmur *Visit the website below for more details on which Oakland galleries will be featured, and which one will serve as the starting location. oaklandartmurmur.org Every month – rain or shine! On the first Friday of every month, Oakland Art Murmur hosts an evening art walk featuring member galleries and mixed-use venues collectively open to the public.

Fenton’s Creamery 4226 Piedmont Avenue | 510.658.7000 www.fentonscreamery.com Feel like a kid again! Fenton’s Creamery is a retro ice cream parlor known for their large sundaes and cones and their large variety of flavors.

[ SEASONAL FUN ] Cellar Door Wine Bar 4469 Railroad Avenue | 925.846.3667 ourcellardoor.com Featuring over 30 wines by the glass or bottle, small plates designed for sharing and a great outside patio looking out to the Friday night Concerts in the Park, Cellar Door is the perfect place for a girls night out, date night or a snack before the show at the theater.

DUBLIN

LIVERMORE

Dublin Iceland 7212 San Ramon Road | 925.829.4444 www.dubliniceland.com

Vine Cinema & Alehouse 1722 First St | 925.447.2545 www.vinecinema.com

Your winter wonderland never ends at the Dublin Iceland Ice-Skating Rink!

People of all ages and skill levels are welcome! Enjoy a fun night inside on the ice no matter what time of year.

The Vine Cinema & Alehouse is not your ordinary movie theatre; it is a complete date night wrapped into one! Come for the amazing food, beer & wine selections all delivered to your table or couch inside the theatre. Vine offers independent films, live sporting events and classic films.

Campo di Bocce 175 E. Vineyard Ave | 925.249.9800 campodibocce.com

Mix your love of wine and art! Sit down with a glass of your favorite wine as you try your hand at an original piece of art. Freelance your own painting or participate in one of our classes!

California Shakespeare Theater 100 California Shakespeare Theater Way 510.548.3422 calshakes.org Travel back in time watching performances at the California Shakespeare Theater. This astounding venue is nestled into the hills, a perfect backdrop to the outdoor stage.

WALNUT CREEK

Contra Costa County

Canvas and Cabernet 1421 Locust Street | 925.287.1614 www.canvascabernet.com

DANVILLE Pans on Fire Cooking Class 3059 Hopyard Road, Suite J-K 925.600.7267 pansonfire.com

Pinot’s Palette 410 Sycamore Valley Rd West 925.743.9900 www.pinotspalette.com/danville

ORINDA

Hit the courts for your next date night!

Campo di Bocce of Livermore was voted the best bocce courts in the East Bay. Treat your significant other or your friends to this fun-game of trying to get as many of your teams bocce balls as close to the target ball, the pallino, as possible.

PLEASANTON

Argentine tango to anyone anywhere regardless of boundaries.

Blackhawk Automotive Museum 3700 Blackhawk Plaza Circle 925.736.2280 www.blackhawkmuseum.org

Take your cooking to the next level! Whip up a delicious dish with your special someone. Reserve a spot online for a public class, or set up a private event just for the two of you!

Over 100 years of automotive genius and design excellence is gathered together in a collection of 40+ pristine autos. Vintage luxury and Sport Cars from Italy, France, England, and the United States represent an exciting piece of history that is fun for the whole family.

Tommy T’s Comedy Club 5104 Hopyard Road | 925.227.1800 tommyts.com

Blackhawk Tango 635 Old Orchard Drive | 510.406.4583 www.blackhawktango.com

Tommy T’s features nationally know comedians from around the United States, along with the fastest rising stars bringing great entertainment to northern California. Sure to bring lots of laughs to date night!

Put on your dancing shoes! Learn how to tango with group or private lessons at Blackhawk Tango. Blackhawk Tango aims to promote Argentine tango to members of local communities in the East Bay and to expand awareness of

Canvas and Cabernet is an upscale painting studio where art and entertainment collide bringing trendy and upscale nightlife to the heart of downtown Walnut Creek. No experience is necessary just join us for an evening of fun as we are dedicated to bringing the creativity out in each individual through simple painting prompts, your favorite music and good company! Expect to leave here inspired, having created a painting that is absolutely uniquely your own.

Lindsay Wildlife Experience 1931 First Avenue | 925.935.1978 Join expert naturalists as we explore local habitats, learn about wildlife and maybe add to your life-list. From bird watching to tarantula hikes there is something for everyone.

FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Date Night Guide Out of Area SAN FRANCISCO Exploratorium After Dark Pier 15 The Embarcadero | 415.528.4444 www.exploratorium.edu Reinvent your Thursday nights at After Dark. Experience a fascinating array of unique, adult-only programs and events that change each week. Grab dinner by the Bay, play with hundreds of hands-on exhibits, crawl through our pitch-black Tactile Dome, sip cocktails, and explore.

Lucky Strike 200 King St. | 415.400.8260 www.bowlluckystrike.com Ramp up your celebrations with some bites, booze, & bowling at Lucky Strike San Francisco! Just a short walk away from AT&T Park, Lucky Strike San Francisco offers plenty of activity for you & your date.

California Academy of Sciences - Golden Gate Park 55 Music Concourse Drive | 415.379.8000 www.calacademy.org Enjoy music, creatures, and cocktails as you set out with your significant other on a journey to the stars and the depths of the sea. A new adventure unfolds every Thursday night from 6:00-10:00pm t the California Academy of Sciences.

Off the Grid 2 Marina Blvd | 415.339.5888 offthegridsf.com This S.F. jewel provides the perfect opportunity to explore flavorful Bay Area dining with your date on Friday nights from 5-10 p.m. at the Fort Mason Center. California’s largest weekly evening food market, Off the Grid is a great place to taste test the goods from several or all of the 32 food trucks.

Other Locations: Walnut Creek Tuesdays, 5-8pm 1380 N. California Blvd Pleasant Hill Wednesdays, 5-8pm 100 Gregory Lane Oakland: Lake Merritt Fridays, 5-9pm 1000 Oak St Uptown Oakland Thursdays, 5-8pm Williams Street and Telegraph Avenue North Berkeley Sundays, 5-8pm 1750 Sacramento St

30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

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phone 925.550.6738 web collegenannies.com/danvilleca FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Carrie Contey is an internationally recognized coach, author, speaker and educator. Her work offers a new perspective on human development, parenting and family life. She guides, supports and inspires her clients to live with wide open and courageous hearts so they can approach family life with skill, spaciousness and joy.

Carrie received her PhD in prenatal and perinatal psychology and is masterful at synthesizing and articulating the science, psychology, and spirituality of humanhood. She is the creator of “Evolve” a year-long “personal growth through parenting” program. She is also the cofounder of the Slow Family Living movement and the co-author of CALMS: A Guide To Soothing Your Baby. Carrie has appeared on NBC’s The Today Show, NPR, CBS radio and in many publications including Time, Parenting and The Boston Globe. Currently she lives, works and plays in Austin, TX but spends as much time as she can traveling, speaking, creating things that make family life more wonderful and living her very own extraordinary life to the fullest! To learn more, visit www.carriecontey.com

11 Strategies to Strengthen Your Partnership in Early Family Life

by Carrie Contey Partnership can be challenging at times and it jumps to a whole new level of intensity when you add one or more tiny humans to the mix. Parenting as partners, partnering as parents -- however you slice it -- takes time, energy, patience and care. And all these things can feel in very short demand between the two of you when you become parents.

So, what can a couple do, in the early years of family life, to keep the relationship cooking and navigate the logistics of getting everything done as they parent growing people who need so much?

Here are 11 ways to strengthen your partnership in the midst of parenting: 1. Accept what is. You two got together under completely different

32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2016

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] circumstances. And now you are here. So... be here

don’t get to actually be with each other all that much!

now. Stay present. Meet this moment. Perpetually meet each other as you are now. Not as you were or how

6. Regulate before you communicate. Try to be aware of

you wish each other to be. But right here. Right now.

where you are in your brain when you communicate.

Warts and all.

2. Acknowledge, often and honestly, the wacky phase of life you are in together. The very nature of family life is chaotic when there are children in the home. And the chaos is typically in inverse proportion to the age of the children (younger = more chaos) and direct

If you are in the red (reptilian brain), don’t talk. If you are in the yellow (mammalian brain), do something that gets you back in the green (human brain) before you speak. A few ideas -- big breath, drink of water, jump up and down, walk outside, splash your face with water. Remember your partner is hearing your brain

proportion to the amount (more kids = more chaos).

state WAY more than he/she is hearing your words. Oh,

Say it loud and proud, “This is NOT the season of our life

and no one is a mind reader. Express yourself clearly,

where we will have lots of time to nurture each other

from a kind human brain.

and our relationship. That time will come again. AND we will do our best with the time we do have together now because this is important to us. All of us.”

7. Check yourself. Be responsible for checking in on your own emotional state. Often. Hold whatever you observe with kindness, not judgment or excuses. Think

3. Invest in the relationship bank account. Make little investments (kind words, simple gestures, warm touches, sweet texts) and big investments (dates when you can, physical and emotional intimacy, time away alone) into the relationship bank account. Be mindful of keeping the account from going into the black.

4. Be honest and own your stuff. When you start to feel resentful because he or she is or isn’t doing this or

of it like the way you might talk to a friend who simply needs empathy. Turn to yourself with softness and check in often.

8. Five to one. For every one criticism, give five appreciations. Practice this regardless of if you voice the criticism out loud or you think it to yourself. 5 to 1.

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

that, check in and notice what’s getting triggered.

Own that you are tired or overwhelmed or feeling

9. Let it be. Cut everyone around you, especially yourself,

frustrated or feeling inadequate or feeling scared. Take

a whole lot of slack. Be like Teflon, let the annoyances

responsibility for how you are feeling instead of putting

slide off. Try to let at least 50% of what bunches you

it on your partner. It’s so easy to do the latter, and so

up…go.

much more productive to do the former.

5. Slow down, connect, enjoy. Take more breaths. Look each other in the eyes when you are talking. Hug. Kiss.

Give each other “high-fives.” Hold hands when you can. Find things to laugh about. Be silly and playful with each other, especially in the midst of parenting

10. Really listen and put yourself in your love’s shoes.

We all want to feel heard. We all want to feel heard.

We all want to feel heard. Give your partner the gift of really listening. And then try to see that person’s point of view. Oh and remember, you can be right or you

and doing chores and daily life. Make it fun. Make if

can be connected. But you can’t often be both. Go for

funny. Find the humor in the absurdity of the fact that

connection. And finally...

you committed to each other. And in being with each other you made babies and in having babies you

11. Choose love.

FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33

[ CHILDRENS HEALTH ]

The Growing Room Academy’s collaborative partnership with Village Music School allows our students and San Ramon Valley families to participate in an exciting array of expanded music education classes. This alliance allows Village Music School to extend their successful studio music program from the Diablo Valley to the San Ramon Valley.

Village Music School classes are held within the walls of Growing Room Academy and will be housed in two rooms solely dedicated as music studios. Classes are offered weekday afternoons and evenings, plus Saturdays.

Advanced Musical Study:

A Common Denominator in High Achievers

by The Growing Room Does music study make you smarter? Over the years there have been multiple studies linking better academic performance with music education; however, critics are quick to warn that correlation isn’t causation. Could it be those students who possess the patience, dedication, and aptitude for music also apply those same skills to academic study? If socioeconomic status is a predictor of academic success, so is the ability to pay for violin lessons.

Researchers at Boston Children’s hospital were determined to gain a better understanding of the correlation between academic success and music by addressing the two important variables in the control and test groups that had previously spawned skepticism: parents’ educational level and socioeconomic status. With all things equal, MRI imaging revealed that students who also study music engage more parts of their brains while performing cognitive tests. These students demonstrated greater proficiency at high-level thinking, including the ability to problem solve, multi-task, and make good choices: all indicators of high executive brain function. Over the course of a lifetime, high levels of executive brain function may be more of a determinant of success than IQ. While the question as to whether music makes students smarter is compelling, a more relevant question may be: Does music study lead to success as an adult, and if so, how does it manifest? And, while the connection between correlation and causation can be challenged when it comes to quantitative

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[ CHILDRENS HEALTH ] measurements like IQ, the correlation between the skills mastered in high level music achievement and other walks of life is indisputable. Consider the following: High-level Music Accomplishment and Success Albert Einstein played the piano. Thomas Edison played the piano and violin. Thomas Jefferson is said to have played the cello, clavichord, and violin. Looking closely at any industry leaders will reveal accomplished musicians. Condoleeza Rice is a trained concert pianist. Woody Allen performs weekly with a jazz band.

Journalists Paula Zahn and Andrea Mitchell both trained to become professional musicians. Steven Spielberg is a clarinetist and the son of a pianist. Those leaders shaping economics, business, and technology also share musical backgrounds. Alan Greenspan was a professional clarinet and saxophone player. Google co-founder, Larry Page also played the saxophone.

Microsoft’s Paul Allen has a rock band. The former World Bank president James Wolfensohn performed with his cello in Carnegie Hall. And, the list is by no means complete. In personal interviews many of these high achievers credited their advanced music study for fostering the skills that shaped the thinking, attitudes, and work ethic of that lead to the triumphant success in their industries.

Music and Creativity Music study reinforces the ability to create. It opens up the pathways to creative thinking. Creating music develops confidence in students as their abilities to compose, innovate, and produce culminate in a desired and positive outcome.

provide a clear direct path towards goals, both short and long term.

Music and Math There is much discussion about the connection between music and math. Both music and math relate to patterns and interrelationships. Recognizing these patterns is a skill that translates to connecting multiple spheres.

Pattern recognition is a paradigm that extends across all aspects of business, technology, and economics. It is here where musical study and investment strategies meet.

Music and Leadership Pursuing music on an advanced level provides opportunities for leadership. The confidence to lead a section of an orchestra, direct a band, improvise in a jazz ensemble or perform as a soloist with other musicians all instill a sense of confidence in the student.

Consider the qualities that can be directly related to success in high achievers across all aspects of life: creativity, collaboration, discipline, problem solving, and leadership. Providing the opportunity for your child to take up an instrument of their choice may well be the greatest gift you can bestow upon them as they embark upon their journey toward adulthood.

“A Live Musical Production” PACIFIC COAST REPERTORY THEATER

Music and Collaboration The ensemble aspect of music, quite literally, teaches students to play well with others. The ability to listen, to know when to lead and when to follow are all valuable qualities in any industry where collaboration and teamwork are paramount for success. Music study also sharpens the ability to intertwine disparate ideas.

Music and Problem–Solving Music, with its dual focus on the present and the future, teaches students to focus on both simultaneously.

The improvisational aspect of music develops flexible intellectual and decision-making skills, and is the pinnacle of collaborative problem solving.

Music and the Drive for Perfection Working for hours on a tricky musical passage eventually results in success. Music teaches that if one works hard enough, the “one more time” culminates in mastery. The connection between perfection and years of practice

FRIDAY, JANUARY 30 – SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14 4444 Railroad Ave. Pleasanton www.firehousearts.org FEBRUARY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 35

[ PARENTING ]

Parenting expert and “recovering yeller” Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time…

The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling (Penguin, 2011.) Amy is a regular parenting contributor on The TODAY Show and has also appeared on Rachael Ray, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Steve Harvey and elsewhere. In her most important role, she plays mom to two teenage boys. Follow Amy on Twitter @AmyMcCreadyPPS.

Six Parenting Hacks For Life in the Fast Lane

by Amy McCready Ever feel like you’re on the Daytona Speedway version of life and wonder if there’s an emergency brake? You’re not alone – parents everywhere are feeling the pinch of a world where “taking it easy” means only doing ten things at once.

Fortunately, on-the-go doesn’t have to equate to overwhelming. Take comfort, there are ways to find balance, fun, and even a little downtime – it just takes a little planning, a savvy strategy and a good dose of humor.

Here are a few parenting hacks that are worth the try: 1. Be the early bird: As tempting as that extra half hour of sleep can be, one of the best strategies for smooth sailing mornings is to be up and ready to walk out the door before your kids’ heads even leave their pillows. Think of it as an investment in YOU time – to get your coffee, get dressed, gather your things, find your center, meditate – whatever helps you put the right foot forward for the day. THEN, you can add kids into the mix. And, because you’re ready to roll, you can be relaxed and in the moment as you get them out the door.

The calmer you are, the calmer your kids will be. Put some time on your side.

2. Team effort: Make outings and projects a team effort by getting your kids

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[ PARENTING ] involved in the process. For example, if you’re going to the store, give your kids a list of items they are in charge of selecting. Kids who feel like they have some control are more likely to be cooperative and helpful.

have to be your own best advocate. Think of it in terms of the announcement they make on the plane, “put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others.” The more you take care of yourself – the better you can take care of your most important people–

3. Ground rules: Set the ground rules before you head out on your errands. For example, if you are going to store, let the kiddos know that you are shopping for specific items, and if they want something other than what’s on the list – they can bring their allowance.

4. Time block: Some of the most productive people in the world swear by time-blocking as a means to “fit everything in” without burning out. In addition to the many to-do items for work, school events, appointments, etc., they also block 15-20 minutes per day for personal time. Intentionally blocking that time provides the breathing room you need to recharge in the midst of the running.

even as you’re barreling through the chaos of life in the fast lane.

6. Keep your humor handy. Things happen. Stuff goes wrong. We mess up. It’s OK. Teach your kids that mistakes can be celebrated and we can find humor in just about anything. Remind them that everything passes – the good and the bad, so it’s important not to dwell. What’s important is to live life full-out and enjoy as many of the moments as you can.

Chances are life is not going to slow down anytime soon – but, if we can put some tools in place to keep our perspective and our wits about us – we’ll do just fine at

5. Be good to yourself: Stop beating yourself up…or comparing your parenting to others…or focusing on what you perceive to be failures. Parenting isn’t always easy and sometimes it’s downright difficult – but YOU

whatever pace we’re traveling. So, as you’re dashing out the door or juggling the to-do tasks – know that you’re in good company, and put these six strategies in place to make life a little easier.

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[ CHILDRENS HEALTH ]

Ask a UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospital Expert

by Angelique Champeau Q: My child is almost six and is still wetting the bed at night. Is this a common problem at this age?

A: Nighttime bedwetting is the most common issue of bladder control in childhood.

Nighttime bedwetting, also known as “nocturnal enuresis,” is the involuntary loss of urine during sleep for a child that is 5 years old or older. Fifteen percent of 5-year olds and 10 percent of 6-year olds experience bedwetting. As children get older, that number reduces by about 15 percent per year. Bedwetting does tend to run in families, but this is not always the case. If one or both parents have had trouble with bedwetting, their children have an increased chance of having similar problems.

Q: What causes nighttime wetting?

A: The most common causes include constipation, bladder dysfunction – when children are not urinating enough during the day – or a genetic predisposition.

Psychological problems were once thought to be the cause of nighttime bedwetting, but this is no longer believed to be the case. Most urologists feel that the difficulty lies with a developmental delay in the bladder’s urination cycle. These children simply need more time for their nighttime control to fully develop. Just as some children walk and talk before others their same age, bladder control also varies per child.

Q: Does my child wet at night because he/she is a deep sleeper?

A: Children who wet at night do not have abnormal sleep patterns. Children often wet the bed during deep sleep, which causes parents to think that their child is a deep sleeper. Many children who visit the doctor for bedwetting issues also have daytime urologic symptoms like regularly needing to urinate urgently, frequently, or have accidents.

Q: What should parents do if their child is experiencing nighttime wetting?

A: Since bedwetting is very common until children reach 7 years old, it is difficult to justify treatment for nighttime wetting in his age group unless the cause is bowel or bladder dysfunction. At any age, decisions regarding treatment should take into account the extent that the problem affects the child and the child’s level of motivation. Quite often, the child has no physical abnormality and does not need long-term, expensive therapy. Parents should make sure that their child urinates before bedtime and they should also reduce the amount of fluid that a child drinks close to bedtime.

Q: When should parents seek treatment?

A: All children who need treatment for bedwetting benefit from treatment of constipation first. When children hold their bowel movements, the amount of stool increases and stretches the rectum, putting pressure on the bladder and can cause it to leak. An X-ray of your child’s abdomen may be recommended to determine if this is the case. If a child with nighttime wetting has a normal history and physical examination, further testing beyond an X-ray is not usually necessary.

Treatment will always consist of first treating constipation and bladder dysfunction.

Once these conditions are treated, if the bedwetting persists, a pediatric urologist can prescribe medication, conditioning, or suggest trying a combination of approaches.

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[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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