FEBRUARY 2018
6 Pieces Of
BAD ADVICE We Give Our Kids – And What To Do Instead
VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT GUIDE FOR MOM
THE TRAVEL ISSUE
TAHOE | PALM SPRINGS | NAPA
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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www.vivaelespanol.org • 925-962-9177 Lafayette • Pleasanton • And schools all over the Bay Area 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
Volume 5 / Issue 49
[ PARENTING ] 5 Powerful Parenting Skills You Can Learn In 1 Minute
Am I Invisible? The Pain-Relieving Response to Being Rejected or Excluded
12
22
6 Pieces Of Bad Advice We Give Our Kids – And What To Do Instead
[ HEALTH ]
28
20
18
MEADOWOOD NAPA VALLEY –A Bucket-List-Worthy Five-Star Getaway
[ TRAVEL ] Ski Tripping with the Family
3 Proven Actions To Having More Joy And Happiness In Your Life
– Tahoe Style
8
14 WINTER DESERT RETREAT – Palm Springs
Botox – Is it right for you?
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]
The Lodge at Edgewood Tahoe –A Newly Built Winter Wonderland
26
6
[ SEASONAL FUN ] Valentine's Day Gifts for Mom
10
10
14
12
FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 3
Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area
Publisher/Editor
Marketing Assistant Interns
Contributing Authors
Tracie Brown Vollgraf
Jaida Sinclair
Advertising Sales Director
Fashion Editor
Kathy Brillheart kbrillheart@activefamilymag.com
Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com
Travel Editor
Design/Production
Elizabeth Kang ekang@activefamilymag.com
Teresa Agnew Craft
Karin Volo Dr. Erica Reischer Dr. Hayes Gladstone Rachel Macy Stafford Emma Seppälä Ph.D. Elizabeth Kang Tracie Brown Vollgraf
Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566
Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com
Editor’s Note The month of February has us thinking about travel! With fresh snow blanketing the Sierras, the slopes are finally open! Turn to page 14 and discover The Lodge at Edgewood, the new luxurious lakeside resort in South Shore. Looking for warmer temperatures, then be sure to check out our Palm Desert feature on page 20. If you’ve been searching for a way to end the daily power struggles with your children, read ’5 Powerful Parenting Skills You Can Learn In 1 Minute’ on page 12. These effective, quick and easy parenting strategies will help to avoid the drama while encouraging your kids to listen. If you are looking for sweet Valentine’s Day gifts for the Moms in your life, (or would like to drop a few hints to the hubster), flip to page 10. These gift ideas are perfect for just about any season and will definitely say “I love you”. Wishing you a wonderful February! Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com
4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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[ TRAVEL ]
Ski Tripping With The Family – Tahoe Style by Tracie Brown Vollgraf
[ TRAVEL ] WHERE TO STAY A staple in South Lake Tahoe, the Aston Lakeland Village Beach and Mountain Resort encompasses the essence of a true family ski vacation. If your goal is to create memorable family time, then confiscate the phones and sink into one of the resort’s premier condominium retreats. Rooms range from studiosize to 2461-square-feet fivebedroom, five-bath townhouses, so you’re sure to find lodging perfectly suited to your party size. Offering accommodations to fit every need, Lakeland Village is also close to all the action; ski lifts, restaurants, shopping, groceries, casinos and entertainment. Spread across 19 acres and woven into the woodlands, the resort sits lakeside and provides endless fun for every season. In addition to the quarter mile of sandy beaches, take a walk out to the pier, where you will find a breathtaking view of the lake and mountains. Outdoor heated pools, a kid's wading pool, two hot tubs, a sauna, a fitness facility, tennis courts, and a beachside bistro will keep you busy during your stay and offer a reprieve from the daily ski sessions. Each condominium is fully equipped with linens, stocked kitchens, bath essentials and other goodies you might need during your holiday. Full kitchens provide the opportunity to whip up a nice home-cooked meal after a day of skiing. Cozy up to the fireplace and play a good old-fashioned board game with the crew. With units that sleep up to 14 people, there is plenty of room to gather a group of friends or extended family. Be sure to utilize the free shuttle busses between the hours of 8am – 11pm Sunday through Thursday
and 8am – Midnight Friday and Saturdays. The buses take you around town to casinos, Heavenly Village and the Gondola.
head up the mountain. Lessons may include lift ticket and rentals as well.
During the winter, take advantage of the complimentary continental breakfast daily on the third floor of the Lodge. If you are looking for ski rentals, check out the on-site board shop and inquire about discounted lift tickets. www.astonlakelandvillage.com 855.954.4064 WHERE TO SKI Straddling the border of California and Neveda, Heavenly Resort Lake Tahoe offers a plethora of snow experiences for every level and adrenaline junky. Their state-of-theart snowmaking covers 73% of the terrain, making it the West Coast’s most powerful snowmaking system. The largest ski resort in Tahoe, Heavenly has 4,630 acres of terrain, sits at an elevation of 10,067 feet and has 97 trails ranging from wide-open cruisers to plunging 1,600-foot chutes with 28 lifts. Due to the expansiveness and versatility of the terrain, Heavenly caters to snowboarders and skiers of every level. The resort accomodates a magic carpet, two gondolas, a tram, high-speed sixes, high-speed quads, chair lifts and surface lifts. Activities include Alpine skiing, cross-country skiing, snow tubing, ice skating, snowboarding, three terrain parks for snowboarders and snowshoe trails and guided UTV tours. Group and private lessons are available for adults and children. The experienced, topnotch instructors cater to your competencies while instilling the skills and confidence you need to
Skiers and non-skiers alike can take a trip up the gondola to check out breathtaking and stunning views of crystal blue Lake Tahoe and the massive snow-capped mountains. The scenery is sure to take your breath away. Once at the top of the Neveda gondola, you will discover Tamarack Lodge, (where you can grab a quick drink and bite,) the Bear Cave, the children’s ski school lodge and the Adventure Peak tubing area. If you get peckish from swooshing down the mountain, check out the ten onsite dining options at the resort, such as the Stagecoaoch Lodge (located at the base of Stagecoach Express on the Neveda side,) which serves up hot sandwiches with indoor and outdoor seating and offers a half-priced happy hour every day from 3:30-5:30. Located at the top of the gondola on the California side of the mountain, Booyah’s, is a full-service restaurant featuring gastro pub cuisine and 97 beers on tap. Whether you are looking for a tasty snack or relaxing lunch with the entire family, you can find it on the mountain. Heavenly is the ideal resort to spend your ski vacation whether you’re a newbie just dipping your boots into the snow for the first time, or a seasoned ski bunny looking for a challenging, all-inclusive mountain experience. The resort is uber kid-friendly too, so pack up the family snow gear and head up to the mountain for an exhilarating, memorable ski holiday. www.skiheavenly.com 775.586.7000
FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]
Karin Volo, an expert in engagement, career, personal and organizational development, is known as the Chief Joy Bringer. She is a co-author of the international best selling book, Engage! With 15+ years experience working with international Fortune 500 companies on two continents, she has insights on business building, cultural transformation, and high performance. Karin works with cultural development, employee engagement, leadership mentoring, professional inspirational speaking and writing. She uses her professional skills and draws from her personal experiences to help individuals and companies thrive. She is the best selling author of 1,352 Days: An Inspirational Journey From Jail To Joy, the Bringing Joy children’s series, a regular blogger on Huffington Post, a faculty member at the Institute for Inspired Organizational Cultures, and an expert judge on employee engagement in both the UK and the US. Karin’s passion is helping people better their lives through sharing all she has learned on her own journey. Her purpose is bringing joy to the workplace.
3 Proven Actions To Having More Joy And Happiness In Your Life by Karin Volo There are more than 7.4 billion people on the planet right now. The essence of what all people want comes down to four main things: love, peace, joy, and abundance. I believe that people have an innate emotional set point—a place that a person returns to over and over on the broad scale of emotions we humans experience. So for example, I have an elderly relative who has worried her entire life because she’s gone through many difficult times. Now that her life is actually better than it has been in a very long time, she still searches for things to worry about because that is where she tends to be most comfortable—and her brain is conditioned to this. Another relative from the same generation is always looking on the bright side and tends to have a very positive outlook. She’s full of energy and sometimes I can’t even keep up with her. Just comparing the levels of health with these two relatives shows me how your levels of happiness really does make a difference, especially over time.
8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] Just as water stagnates when it is still, so do we humans. During one of the toughest times in my life, I developed a
It’s much healthier to be flowing like a river. When our
way to become very aware or conscious of my feelings...
basic needs are taken care of, it is natural for us to
and worked diligently to try and stay in a positive frame
seek new relationships, new challenges, new jobs, and
of mind. This tool is called the Joyometer™ and it is what
learning new skills. It’s a part of human nature to grow
I like to call a “mood management system” to help you
and that helps increase our levels of happiness as well.
stay aware of what you are feeling and how you can actively work to get yourself to a higher emotional state
Giving
of being. (Download the Joyometer™ at www.karinvolo.
Giving is the third strategy to increase the joy in your
com)
life. When you can help others, it will bring you a new perspective and studies show as we see others thrive, we
Having had the good fortune to connect with hundreds
feel better. Giving has three different levels:
of people through my work, and interview numerous thought leaders and change agents who are leaders
1) Philanthropy — such as writing a check at the end of
in their field, I’ve found that there are three consistent
the year for a charity, there is very little interaction and
strategies that people who are happier and living more
not a deeper emotional connection although the act is
joy filled lives actively work with to better their emotional
most certainly appreciated.
state. They are the 3 G’s to Joy & Happiness: 2) Giving Back — for example, a mining company Gratitude
would give back to a community by planting parks
Regardless of whatever is happening in your life, you can
and reforesting an old mine, there’s a feeling of doing
always find something to be grateful for...you are reading
something good to better a situation.
this right now and you are breathing! Finding things to appreciate and be thankful for in life helps you shift how
3) Contribution - an example is volunteering with elderly
you look at the world.
or homeless, something that is more interactive with time and energy and also having a deeper emotional
If you focus on what is going well, the tendency that
connection and understanding of doing something for
more good will happen will generally increase. Gratitude
the greater good of all.
helps your overall emotional well- being, helps you sleep better, increases your confidence and also betters your
Random acts of kindness will increase your own level
relationships. It’s a great way to lift you out of a funk.
of happiness and joy in ways that you might not even expect. The deeper the emotional connection in the
Growth
giving, the more positive—and lasting—impact it will
Nature is constantly changing and our universe is
have with you.
continually expanding. As humans, we are happier when we are growing and learning on some level. We
When you consistently practice these three actions of
are meant to be pushing the boundaries and trying
Gratitude, Growth, and Giving, you will notice how it
new things. People often say they are afraid of change
brings more energy and vibrancy to your own life. Play
but the reality is that life is constant change. Growth is
around and experiment with this for a week and see how
optional and we can take a conscious effort to strive to
it makes a difference, not only in your life but also those
be better and open our minds to new perspectives.
around you. FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
GIFTS FOR MOM
1.
2.
1. Initial Diamond Love Necklace by Posh Mommy Jewelry - Initials are for lovers! Show off his and hers initials with this gorgeous Initial Love Necklace. $300-$730 (depending on metal choice), www.etsy.com/shop/PoshMommyJewelry 2. Medium Roman Date Bar Necklace by Posh Mommy Jewelry - Mark the most special date in your life with the Roman Date Bar. Make a fashion statement with your anniversary date or a special birth date. $125-$490 (depending on metal choice), www.etsy.com/shop/PoshMommyJewelry 3. Heart Succulent Planter by Oak Oats - This fun and modern planter is perfect for your desk, windowsill, mantel, and other various home decor spaces!, $15, www.etsy.com/shop/OakOats 4. Secret Ingredient Spoon - The most delicious meals always have one thing in common - they’re made with love! Infuse love into every meal with this bamboo heart shaped spoon. $9, www.modcloth. com 5. Hydrating Lip Gels by Patchology - Kiss dry lips goodbye. Quickly moisturize and soften your pout. You’re left with perfectly prepped lips, ready to make up and mouth off. $15 for 5-Pack, www.patchology.com 6. Wild at Heart Bath Melt Gift Set by Brubaker - Treat your skin! These adorable bath melts are made with all natural, vegan ingredients including pure essential oils, cocoa and shea butters. $19.99, brubaker-usa.com 7. 3-Piece Heart|Key|Arrow Cookie Cutter Set by The Cookie Cutter Shop - Bake up some goodness with these playful cookie cutters. $4.95, www.etsy.com/shop/TheCookieCutterShop 8. #MomLife Burlap Tote from Indigo Tangerine - Certified fair trade, spacious, functional, and stylish. Perfect for groceries, the gym or a carry-all bag! Customizable, $42, www.etsy.com/shop/indigotangerine 9. Heart Mittens by Budleigh Knits - These adorable mittens are sure to keep your hands toasty! Hand knitted with 65% wool and 35% alpaca for extra softness and warmth, mittens will fit an average women’s hand. $15, www.etsy.com/shop/BudleighKnits 10. ‘I love you a latte’ Coffee Mug by Woodland Love Home - The perfect way to start your day…? With coffee, of course! This adorably fun mug is the perfect way to say “I love you”. $14, www.etsy.com/shop/WoodlandLoveHome
10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
3. 6. 4.
5.
7.
9.
8.
10.
FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11
[ PARENTING ]
Dr. Erica Reischer is a psychologist, author, and parent educator. In addition to her Oakland-based private practice, she writes for The New York Times, The Washington Post, Psychology Today, and The Atlantic. She is the author of What Great Parents Do: 75 Simple Strategies for Raising Kids Who Thrive.
5 Powerful Parenting Skills You Can Learn In 1 Minute by Dr. Erica Reischer As a working mom, I’m always looking for simple ideas to make life easier and more fulfilling. These sorts of quick and easy tips have come to be known as “hacks.” There are life hacks, cooking hacks, cleaning hacks, etc. With that in mind, here are 5 parenting “hacks” that take less than 1 minute, but have powerful and often immediate results. These skills can help you sidestep power struggles and encourage kids to listen and cooperate, while also improving your relationship with them. 1. Pivot Pivoting is the art of saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’, and meaning the same thing. So instead of saying: “No, we can’t go to the park until after you have a nap,” pivot and say: “Yes, we can go to the park as soon as you’re done with your nap.” Or: “Yes, you can borrow the car as soon as you finish your homework.” The message is the same, but the tone is completely different, and saying “yes” gives kids a lot less to argue with.
12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
[ SEASONAL FUN ] 2. Reframe
[ PARENTING ] tool we have as parents.
Reframing is engaging kids’ imagination and sense of play in order to create the behavior you would like
When we practice empathy with our kids, we show
to see. A fascinating study of four-year-olds shows the
respect for their feelings and their reality (which are often
power of this strategy.
different from ours). We show that we are listening, and that we understand--or are trying to understand--their
In the study, the researchers first asked the kids to stand
point of view.
still for as long as they could. The kids didn’t last very long: usually less than a minute. Then the researchers
When you don’t know to do in a situation, practice
asked the kids to pretend that they were guards at a
empathy. When you have to insist on something or follow
factory. Now, the kids were able to stand still almost four
through on consequences, practice empathy.
times as long. Why? Because they were imaginatively engaged in the activity.
For example: “Sweetie, I know you don’t want to wear your seatbelt. It feels itchy to you. You wish you didn’t
You will also see reframing at work in many preschools
have to wear it (empathy).”
when everyone sings the “clean-up song” while the kids put away toys and organize the room.
Please note that practicing empathy does not oblige you to change or fix anything about the situation. This is an
3. Give a reason
important distinction. You can empathize with your son’s
In our busy lives as parents, we may not even notice
frustration at having to wear a seatbelt without the need
ourselves barking out “do’s” and “don’ts” to our kids:
to take it off.
“Get your shoes on now,” “Turn off the computer,” “Stop that,” and so on. Then we get frustrated when they
5. Avoid saying “But”
ignore us or resist doing what we’ve asked.
After all of that empathizing to create connection with your kids (see #4 above), don’t negate it by saying
Here we have the beginnings of a power struggle. But we
“But...”
may be able to sidestep it if we help kids understand why we are asking (that is, give them a reason).
As in: “I know you don’t want to wear your seatbelt, but it keeps you safe so you have to do it.”
(Note: “Because I said so” is not a reason--and will probably lead to more power struggles or secrecy).
Instead, keep the connection you established through empathy by conveying that kids’ feelings are important
For example: “Please go get your shoes on now. We have
even when they can’t be honored.
to leave in one minute or we’ll be late to pick up your friends and that would not be nice manners.”
How? Say “At the same time” rather than “But.” As in: “Sweetie, I know you don’t want to wear your seatbelt.
This strategy will not guarantee immediate compliance
At the same time, the seatbelt keeps you safe in the car
with your requests, but it will show your kids that you
so we all wear seatbelts when we drive somewhere (give
are making reasonable requests. It also models the
a reason).”
importance of using good reasons to motivate behavior. Note: This parenting hack, plus #4 above, can work 4. Empathize
on people of all ages (including your spouse and/or
Empathy, as I’ve previously written, is the most powerful
coworkers). FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13
[ TRAVEL ]
[ TRAVEL ]
The Lodge at Edgewood Tahoe, A Newly Built Winter Wonderland by Elizabeth Kang
E
veryone loves to head up to Lake Tahoe to get their fill of snow in the Winter, and there are so many hotels and resorts to choose from. Why not stay where you get the very best of both worlds — amazing views of the crystalclear lake, and first-class access to the very best ski resorts? The Lodge at Edgewood Tahoe makes the decision of where to stay a nobrainer.
With stunning floor to ceiling windows, warm wood accents, massive carved limestone columns, a sweeping staircase and a large and inviting fireplace, the great room immediately envelops you in luxurious warmth and coziness. As you take in the breathtaking lake views, your stress suddenly dissipates, and you realize you have landed in an exceptional destination where your every need will be met.
Just completed in the summer of 2017 and nearly 25-years in the making, the $100 million lodge which sits on 235 lakefront acres offers 154 rooms, a public beach, a spa and salon, year-round swimming pool and hot tub, three restaurants, highend shops and more.
ROOMS Each of the 154 rooms and suites at the lodge offers guests their own gas fireplace and private deck or terrace. The decor is classic and cozy, with warm, dark wood and serene blue and white luxury linens — a nod to the pure blue lake outside. Newly built in 2017, all rooms and bathrooms are completely fresh-feeling and modern, and boast all the amenities you would expect from a luxury resort, such as robes, slippers, Wi-Fi, Keurig coffee makers, premium linens, gas fireplaces and more.
HISTORY Edgewood had long been a renowned gold course in South Lake Tahoe, when cattle rancher and owner Brooks Park built it in 1968. He always had the vision to build lodging on the property, for golfers to have somewhere to stay after their day on the course. Although Park passed away in 2001, President and CEO of Edgewood Companies, John McLaughlin, helped to turn that vision into fruition. THE LODGE Stepping into the Edgewood Lodge, which is reminiscent of the national park lodges of the west, you are greeted by a welcoming staff and an ice-cold glass of champagne.
ENVIRONMENTAL EFFORTS The Lodge at Edgewood has been recognized for its continuing movements toward preservation and renovation of surrounding wildlife and energy saving efforts. The Lodge is on a continuing quest for a “greener building,” by sourcing local material, hiring a LEED (Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design) architect, and encouraging alternative methods
of transportation for guests (free shuttles) and employees (lockers to encourage biking to work.) DINING Edgewood offers three excellent dining options; two elegant, fine dining restaurants and a more casual, bar and deck. The Bistro at Edgewood, located at the Lodge, is a gorgeous and contemporary dining hub with breakfast, lunch and dinner service. The restaurant is refined, yet casual, making it just as appropriate for families as it is for date night. The menu features breakfast classics with an upscale twist (e.g. Baked Baguette French Toast and Duck Confit Hash,) brick-oven pizzas and seasonal sandwiches and salads for lunch, and steak, game and seafood options for dinner. Edgewood Restaurant is well-known around the city for its romantic, breathtaking views of the lake, floor to ceiling windows and an elegant lodge-like atmosphere. It’s the kind of restaurant perfectly suited for celebrating a special occasion or romantic date. Expect to find indulgent, classic fare such as foie gras, lobster fettuccine and filet mignon. Save room for the nightly creme brûlée or bananas foster. Brooks Bar & Deck, overlooking the golf course, is the perfect spot to grab a casual bite or happy hour drink. You’ll find hot wings, salads,
FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15
[ TRAVEL ]
fish tacos, burgers and other delicious,
drinks. The spacious year-round hot
90-minute massage or are seeking to
casual eats.
tub is a wonderful way to soothe sore
hibernate for the entire day, you will
muscles after a day on the slopes. WINTER SPORTS
Edgewood also features three on-site
While Edgewood has long been
shops — very convenient if you should
known as the premier golfing resort
forget your gloves.
leave feeling pampered and relaxed. The spa menu includes facials, massages and body treatments. The spa also includes a salon to assist with
in Tahoe, it’s also a great home base for skiing and snowboarding. The
SPA
haircuts, color, manicures, pedicures,
Lodge offers ski/snowboard lessons,
The Spa at Edgewood, located on
blowouts and more.
equipment rentals and free shuttle
the second floor of the Lodge, offers
service to nearby Heavenly Mountain,
guests a private, serene and opulent
among other destinations.
space to unwind. If you are looking
www. edgewoodtahoe.com
to sneak away from the kids, or take
100 Lake Parkway
The resort also hosts festive nightly ski
a break from the slopes, this is your
Lake Tahoe, NV 89449
gatherings with s’mores and signature
destination. Whether you book a
888.881.8659
16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
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[ HEALTH ]
Hayes B. Gladstone, MD is the founder and President of the Gladstone Clinic in San Ramon. He is the former Director of the Division of Dermatologic Surgery and Associate Professor in the Departments of Dermatology and Otolaryngology, Head and Neck Surgery at Stanford University
Botox – Is it right for you? by Dr. Hayes Gladstone Botulinum toxin has been used for many decades in the medical field particularly for eye conditions. It has been used for many conditions which involve muscle spasms. Migraine headaches can be treated with Botulinum toxin. It was serendipitously discovered in the late 1980’s to temporarily eliminate wrinkles between the eyebrows by a Vancouver oculoplastic surgeon, Jean Carruthers, MD. She and her husband, Alastair, a dermatologic surgeon are primarily responsible for the cosmetic use of botulinum toxin. A botulinum toxin injection works by temporarily interrupting nerve receptors and is known in medical jargon as a “neuromodulator.” The result is that the muscles in that area are relaxed. The most common cosmetic areas injected are the glabella also known as the 11’s between the eyebrows; the horizontal forehead lines; and the crows feet around the eyes. Botulinum toxin is also effective for upper lip lines; turning up the corners of the mouth; chin wrinkles; neck bands and reducing “squareness” of the jawline. Only injections into the glabella are FDA approved, but practitioners are allowed to inject into other “off label” areas. Currently, there are three common botulinum toxins available: Botox
18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
[ HEALTH ] CosmeticTM; DysportTM; XeominTM. They all have slightly different properties, however they are all administered in a similar manner—by an injection. In some studies, it has been shown that Dysport may act quicker than Botox—in 2 days rather than 4 days—and that it may not act as long as Botox. Though it depends on the dilution of the Botox, the effects generally last around 4 months. There is a longer acting botulinum toxin that is being developed as well as a topical version. Botulinum toxin treatments are performed in the office and take only a few minutes. Though it is the most common cosmetic treatment and is very effective, there are risks. There can be bruising, so it is important to be off any pills such as aspirin that may make you bleed. There may be temporary swelling and occasionally, patients may have a mild headache. If it is injected to low on the forehead, then eyebrows may droop. If injected unevenly, or due to muscle variation, one could have a “Spock eyebrow”—this is easily corrected. Rarely, the botulinum toxin could migrate to the upper eyelid, relaxing that muscle and causing eyelid droop. Prescription eyedrops can correct this complication. Because botulinum toxin’s effects are temporary, these events will resolve after several weeks. Why get Botulinum toxin injections? If you view your face as an organ of communication, then you merely want to communicate what you are feeling. People develop glabellar “11” lines because they use their corrugator muscles when they are focusing or reading. Yet, others interpret these lines as “frown” lines. They may misinterpret that you are angry when you are not. Horizontal forehead lines are formed by repeated raising of the eyebrows such as one is surprised. Yet these lines are often interpreted as “worry” lines. In addition, youth and beauty are often characterized by smooth skin. Recent biofeedback studies have also shown that relaxing certain facial muscles, that botulinum toxin may make individuals feel less tense and possibly happier. The current philosophy is to maintain and prevent using minimally invasive cosmetic procedures so that you will age gradually and gracefully despite harsh environmental conditions and the arbitrariness of genetics. As effective and popular as botulinum toxin is, it is only one treatment in the armamentarium of less cosmetic procedures. To truly maintain and prevent in a comprehensive manner, it is usually combined with light therapies such as intense pulsed light or lasers and fillers.
ONE MOM’S PERSPECTIVE ON BOTOX As I have aged I have noticed more wrinkles on my face, especially in the forehead area. After researching several options, I decided to give Botox a try. I am a very busy Mom of three young children, work full time and wanted a non-invasive procedure that I could have done on my lunch break that wasn’t too expensive. After meeting with several aesticians and doctors I opted for the Gladstone Clinic in San Ramon. During my first visit I was greeted by a friendly and welcoming staff who made me feel right at ease. Upon meeting Dr. Gladstone I discovered that he was quite genuine, engaging, knowledgeable and honest. He did not sugar coat the areas he wanted to address, but he also did not push unnecessary services, which I greatly appreciated. The decision to try Botox was not one I took lightly. I talked to Dr. Gladstone about side effects, downtime (zero) and the thought of injecting poison into my face (yikes!). After meeting with the doctor, I was quite confident with my decision to move forward. As a busy Mom and a woman, there are many expectations we deal with each day. I have gone years neglecting myself while I put other’s needs before my own. Raising babies can take its toll and I was hoping to feel better about myself, refreshed and look younger. This is exactly what the outcome was. The entire procedure took a total of ten minutes. With an aversion to needles, the numbing cream helps to alleviate any pain of the injections. I was told the results would take up to five days, which was quite accurate. The results were nothing short of amazing. The wrinkles once splattered across my forehead disappeared. The deep crease in between my eyes? Gone! I not only felt younger, but definitely looked younger, well rested and refreshed! For anyone contemplating this procedure, do your homework, make sure it’s right for you and go for it! I highly recommend taking the time to take care of you!
FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19
[ TRAVEL ]
WINTER DESERT RETREAT – Palm Springs by Elizabeth Kang
L
ooking to warm up this winter? In need of a respite from the Winter Blues? Head south to the one of these desert towns for some warm sunshine, eclectic eats, upscale shopping, and breathtaking landscape, and you’ll forget all about the winter gloom back home. PALM SPRINGS A Palm Springs vacation will provide plenty of vibrant scenery, trendy eats and gorgeous sunsets. STAY Korakia Pensione: This fabulous and funky Palm Springs resort, named by
The New York Times as “one of the sexiest hotels in America,” is a cozy and stylish Mediterraneanstyle retreat with all the charm its history would suggest. Once owned in the 1930’s by early silent film star J. Carol Naish, Korakia Pensione has been restored into two villas, which both sit on 1.5 acres of lush gardens, eclectic bungalows, cozy guesthouses and sparkling pools. Each guesthouse is decorated with unique antiques and handmade furniture, and boasts distinct, exotic architecture that will transport you to another time and place. The gorgeous landscape of citrus and olive trees,
20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
vibrant bougainvillea and soothing fountains makes relaxation a sure thing. The resort amenities include a full-service spa, complimentary housecooked breakfast, cruiser bikes to borrow, two heated, salt-water pools, yoga classes, outdoor movies, and more. EAT Eight4Nine: Trendy eatery with modern, eclectic menu and bright white and hot pink decor (quintessential Palm Springs.) Daily four-course menu offered. Menu highlights include “Shoyu Pork Belly,” “Curried Cauliflower Bisque,” and “Cider-Brined Duck
Breast.” King’s Highway: Popular diner-themed restaurant located at the Ace Hotel & Swim Club — a favorite for breakfast dishes such as “Green Eggs & Ham” with avocado hollandaise, “Coffee Cake French Toast” with salted lemon caramel, and Chilaquiles with choice of chorizo or soyrizo. Truss & Twine: Fun spot for a wide selection of craft cocktails and creative small bites. The cocktail menu is divided by era, so you can choose from drinks made in the Golden Age, like an Old Fashioned or Gimlet, or drinks inspired
[ TRAVEL ]
by the Prohibition era, e.g. “Hanky Panky,” or “Fallen Angel.” Other drinks options can be made from the “Tiki” or “Dark Ages” sections. Beer, wine and cider are also served. Small bites include pretzel sticks served with house-made pastrami and deviled eggs topped with uni, as well as a wide selection of cheese and charcuterie LA QUINTA La Quinta is a resort city known for its high-end, designer shopping, wellknown golf courses, and picturesque mountainside. Chateau at Lake La Quinta: Just a 40-minute drive from Palm Springs, the Chateau at Lake La Quinta is a newly renovated boutique hotel with proximity to fantastic, upscale shopping. Each
charming room at the hotel boasts a private patio that overlooks the picturesque Lake La Quinta. Dine lakeside at the hotel’s onsite fine dining restaurant, Mélange, and take in magnificent views of the mountainside and lake while enjoying delicious cuisine by Chef Nestor Ruiz. Or enjoy a nightcap by the fire pit overlooking the lake at the new lakeside entertainment patio. SHOP Old Town La Quinta: Settled at the foot of the Santa Rosa Mountains, Old Town is a vibrant, bustling main street marketplace chock full of boutiques, shops, cafes, galleries and salons. The unique vintage architecture lends a charming old-town village charm to the district. Old
Town is a wonderful way to spend a leisurely day shopping, meandering, dining el fresco, and people watching. The Shops on El Paseo: The “rodeo drive” of the desert, The Shops on El Paseo offer high-end designers such as Burberry, Gucci, Oliver Peoples and more, as well as a few eateries to refuel and relax. GOLF La Quinta is a golfer’s dream, with renowned courses and clubs all within the city limits. La Quinta Resort & Club: The resort is home to five golf courses and is open to public guests, so you don’t need to stay to play. Booking a tee time is easy on their website; laquintaresort.com. The
resort also boasts three welcoming clubhouses. La Quinta Resort Dunes Course: Designed by Pete Dye, this 72-par course hosted the PGA Club Professional Championship, as well as the California State Open. The course includes nuances of Irish and Scottish style, with dense rough, gently rolling mounds, and wellgroomed fairways. Hideaway Golf Course: The Hideaway Golf Club is a membership and invitation-only golf experience with courses designed by renowned golf architects Pete Dye and Clive Clark. Hideaway members and guests enjoy top-notch club cuisine and a gorgeously appointed clubhouse.
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[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]
Am I Invisible? The Pain-Relieving Response to Being Rejected or Excluded by Rachel Macy Stafford
Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.
My eleven-year-old daughter started a new extracurricular activity a few weeks ago. We’re still learning the ropes and aren’t quite sure how things run. On the first day, we walked up to two women who were waiting with their children for the activity to start. I politely asked them a question about protocol and explained we were new. I was met with annoyed facial expressions and curt answers. Following that response with an introduction seemed inappropriate so I turned to their children and introduced myself and my daughter to them. We talked with the children until the class began. The following week, I saw the women again in the waiting area. “Hello,” I said warmly. “How are you both doing today?” I received mumbled replies and they immediately turned back to each other and continued talking. My daughter and I talked to each other which relieved the painful sense of feeling invisible. Last week, as my daughter and walked up to the activity, I saw the women in their usual spot. I felt a twinge of something I couldn’t explain in my stomach. It was not a pleasant feeling – perhaps anxiety, embarrassment, awkwardness? Whatever it was, that feeling made me feel like not trying anymore. I stopped my daughter several feet away from the waiting area and suggested we watch some games going on. That is when the best possible result that could happen from this experience
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[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] occurred.
others feel welcome.
I said, “Remember this.”
I was quickly reminded of the specific need our family had when we moved to a new state three years ago. On one of our first trips to the grocery store, we passed my daughters’ new school.
Remember this when you are in familiar territory and someone new walks up looking for guidance. Remember this when you see someone on the outskirts anxiously holding her own hand. Remember this when someone approaches you and asks a question – see the bravery behind the words. Remember this when you see someone stop trying – perhaps he’s been rejected one too many times. Remember this when you see someone being excluded or alienated – just one friendly person can relieve the painful sense of feeling invisible. Remember the deepest desire of the human heart is to belong … to be welcomed … to know you are seen and worthy of kindness. This week, as Avery and I drove up to her extracurricular activity, I felt a new feeling when I saw those women. As odd as it may sound, it was gratitude. I felt grateful they’d reminded me of one of life’s highest lessons. Author Kari Kampakis beautifully describes the concept of using people’s hurtful actions as opportunities for self-growth.
“I just hope I am not the only new kid in my class,” my older daughter said looking out the window. “I hope there is just one other new person.” After a long pause, she repeated, “Just one.” That had been my solitary prayer in the months leading up to the move … just one friend … just one kind friend for each of my girls. One person can instantly make you feel unalone, uninvisible … like you belong. A few weeks later, my daughter met a girl at the neighborhood pool. They were the same age, going into the same grade, at the same school. “This will be my first year there,” the girl said. “Maybe we’ll be in the same class.” That’s when I saw the unmistakable look of relief on my daughter’s face. One person can do that. One person can take away months of angst in an instant.
She writes: “Regardless of how anyone treats you, you stand to benefit. While some people teach you who you do want to be, others teach you who you don’t want to be. And it’s the people who teach you who you don’t want to be that provide some of the most lasting and memorable lessons on social graces, human dignity, and the importance of acting with integrity.” The unkind treatment I received became a means to gain awareness, compassion, and connection. When I shared my story of rejection on my Facebook page earlier this week, there were hundreds of comments and private messages—some quite painful—confirming the need to belong is unmet for many people in our society. In addition to those who shared their painful stories of exclusion, there were people who shared helpful actions and roles they’d taken to be an Includer and make
That same week I had to take my car to the emissions station. It was a requirement in my new state. The woman working asked me if I had my new ID and registration. “No,” I confessed. “That task is daunting to me because I am directionally challenged,” I laughed, but not really joking. “Get a piece a paper,” she said. “I will give you directions to the place to go. It’s easy to get there and there’s never a line.” The woman proceeded to list off exactly what documents I would need. “They don’t mention all this on the website,” she added. I looked down at the little note that revealed the ins and outs of an intimidating task, and I felt like I might cry. I could feel the goofiest smile on my face. As cars backed up behind us, it was no matter to woman. She wanted FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] to make sure I had what I needed. And because of her, I was less scared to tackle this task. My angst was cut in half instantly. One person can do that. A few days later, I made a wrong turn after leaving the store. My daughters and I ended up in a parking lot of a busy strip mall. There was a young mother holding a sign, her three young children sitting in on the curb next to her. “I lost my job. Any spare change would be appreciated,” read my older daughter. I pulled over and told my girls to grab some of the cereal, granola bars, and other snacks from our grocery bags. I got a little money from my purse. When the woman and I touched hands as I offered her the items, her eyes filled with tears. She said many people had driven past them, and we were the first to stop. The fact that we cared gave her hope. One person can do that. One person can give someone hope.
you. You halved my pain and I halved yours: it’s together for each other that we find strength to ask, learn, and never fold up and disappear.” It’s together for each other that we find strength to ask, learn, and never fold up and disappear. If that’s not life’s highest lesson, I don’t know what is. Let me remember it now, especially now, when the world’s collective pain is so deep, so wide, and so heavy. But there is hope … Because what we can do individually to heal the world’s collective pain is quite miraculous. We can half the pain by being one person’s person. With one invitation, we can take someone From outsider to insider From outcast to beloved member
I know this, I absolutely know this, but how often I forget. Life gets busy. Things get familiar. I get caught up in my own problems, etc. etc. I nearly forget what I have the power to do until one Tuesday afternoon when I take my daughter to an activity, and I am reminded. I approach two women hoping for kindness, but I am met with rudeness. And when it happens a second time, I start to feel bitter, so I ask myself how I can turn this into goodness, into love? And that’s when the words, “Remember this,” come out of my mouth. I passed on the critical reminder to others not expecting to be flooded with the pain and wisdom of hundreds who’ve stood where I stood. One of the most powerful responses came from a beautiful writer named Alexandra Rosas. She wrote, “You didn’t know when you wrote that, but you were to be in my life today after I received the coldest shoulder when I greeted a group of women. You, I came home to 24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
From unknown neighbor to coffee companion From wallflower to life-of-the-party From shortened life expectancy to 80 years of joy. That last line is no exaggeration. Dr. Dean Ornish, the founder of the Preventive Medicine Research Institute, says this about the effects of loneliness: “I am not aware of any other factor — not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery — that has a greater impact on our incidence of illness, and chance of premature death.” Never underestimate the power you hold as ONE PERSON to save the life of another. “Come join us,” you’ll say with a smile. And the recipient will sigh with relief … angst gone instantly … a world of pain cut in half. One person can do that.
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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[ TRAVEL ]
MEADOWOOD NAPA VALLEY A Bucket-List-Worthy Five-Star Getaway by Elizabeth Kang
B
etween kids, work, and weekend obligations, leisurely or romantic getaways are, unfortunately, few and far between. Thats why it’s so important to make the most of those rare special weekends. The next time you get the chance to get away, go somewhere you’ll feel like royalty. Meadowood Napa Valley is a luxurious experience that will erase away the stress of everyday life, and invigorate and reenergize both body and soul. At Meadowood, the lush green surroundings are expansive and tranquil, and the comfortable, modern accommodations transport you to instant bliss. You’d be well off simply relaxing at the resort and enjoying the world-class spa, but if you’re the active type who likes to be on your feet, Meadowood has you covered. With golf, tennis, croquet, swimming and even a Michelin-starred restaurant, there’s no need to leave this gorgeous resort. LODGING The 85 uniquely appointed cottages, suites and family lodges nestled throughout the property ensure that every guest will find a room to fit their exact needs; whether it be a cozy one-bedroom cottage with wood-burning 26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
[ TRAVEL ] fireplace and private balcony overlooking the lush hillside, or a 2000+ square-foot multi-bedroom family suite with space for multiple generations and friends. The tastefully furnished rooms are crisp, cozy and contemporary, with modern furnishings, rustic decor and a palette of bright, neutral colors. The private patios and balconies are fully furnished— inviting you to sip your coffee or tea in comfort while enjoying Meadowood’s private two hundred and fifty-acre valley views.
THE MEADOWOOD SPA Awarded five-stars from Forbes Travel Guide, The Meadowood Spa is relaxation at its finest. With a wide range of spa treatments to choose from and a luxurious private guest suite to enjoy during treatments, the spa is likely one of the best you’ll encounter. Spa guests are invited to use one of two relaxation gardens onsite — one for women and one for men. Each relaxation
garden is appointed with comfortable sitting areas, a steam room and sauna, and relaxing mineral soaking pool. A culinary spa menu is also offered, with healthy and in-season bites such as fresh fruit, pressed juice and seasonal salads.
ACTIVITIES Hiking: The Meadowood Loop is a four-plus-mile hike that winds through the estate’s property, through peaceful woods, bucolic meadows and up to heights of more than 600 feet, where the reward is some of the most breathtaking views of Napa Valley to be found.
time to play a few rounds of the real deal with others, making for a fun and relaxing afternoon.
Swimming: Meadowood is in the process of renovating its existing pool area, and upon completion will offer a lap pool, adults-only pool with whirlpool and cabanas, and refurbished children’s pool and changing area.
Golf: Meadowood’s 9-hole walking course is open year-round and welcomes golfers of all levels of experience. Professional golf instructor Doug Pike is available to those who need a beginner’s lesson or are looking to learn some new skills and up their game.
Tennis: You won’t find a more serene, picturesque playing atmosphere than the courts at Meadowood. Arrange a private or small group lesson with Meadowood’s resident tennis pro, Doug King, who’ll teach you how to gain better control over the ball, among other skills. Health & Fitness: The resort is equipped with a full-sized athletic and fitness center where you’ll find a wide array of cardio machines, weight machines and a choice of daily fitness classes.
Croquet: Book a lesson of “California Golf Croquet,” a simple version of tournament style croquet that any age and skill level can master in a single lesson. After your lesson, you’ll be allowed plenty of
DINING From in-room dining and outdoor picnics, to specialoccasion fine dining, Meadowood’s options will dazzle and delight. For casual farm fresh fare, stop by The Grill, where you’ll
find options fresh from the property’s own garden, such as cold-pressed juices and garden lettuce salads. A delicious assortment of breakfast, lunch and dinner options are offered at The Grill. Be sure to arrange a picnic basket (24 hrs notice required) to be delivered to your room with your choice of sandwich or salad, drink and dessert, because the gorgeous picnic spot options are too numerous to not take advantage on Meadowood’s breathtaking grounds.
Boasting three Michelin stars, The Restaurant at Meadowood is a dining experience that cannot be missed. Chef Christopher Kostow pays respect to the seasonal, unique produce grown on the property’s 2.5 acre Culinary Garden, and showcases sustainably raised meat, poultry and seafood throughout the upscale, modern American menu. Chef Kostow was awarded the James Beard Foundation Award for “Best Chef: West,” in 2013. www.meadowood.com 877.963-3646
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[ PARENTING ]
Emma Seppälä, Ph.D is Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and is the author of The Happiness Track (HarperOne, 2016). She is also Co-Director of the Yale College Emotional Intelligence Project at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. She is a frequent contributor to Harvard Business Review, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, and Scientific American Mind. She is the founder and editor-in-chief of Fulfillment Daily, a popular news site dedicated to the science of happiness. Her work and research have been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Chicago Tribune, The Boston Globe, The Atlantic, VOGUE, ELLE, CBSNews, Oprah Magazine, Fast Company, U.S. World and News Report, Forbes, Cosmopolitan, Inc, Huffington Post, ABC News, Business Insider, SELF, GLAMOUR. She has appeared several times on Good Morning America. She was also interviewed for Huffington Post Live and TIME/MONEY and is featured in the documentary film The Altruism Revolution. She is the recipient of a number of research grants and service awards including the James W. Lyons Award from Stanford University for founding Stanford’s first academic class on the psychology of happiness and teaching many well-being programs for Stanford students. She graduated from Yale (BA), Columbia (MA), and Stanford (PhD). Originally from Paris, France, she is a native speaker of French, English, and German.
6 Pieces Of Bad Advice We Give Our Kids – And What To Do Instead by Emma Seppälä Ph.D. Most parents want their kids to be successful in life—and so we teach them attitudes that we believe will help them achieve their goals. But as I learned while researching my book The Happiness Track, many widely-held theories about what it takes to be successful are proving to be counterproductive. Sure, they may produce results in the short term. But eventually, they lead to burnout and—get this—less success. Here are a few of the most damaging things many of us are currently teaching our children about success, and what to teach them instead. What we tell our kids: Focus on the future. Keep your eyes on the prize. What we should be telling them: Live (or work) in the moment. It’s hard to stay tightly focused. Research shows our minds tend to wander 50% of the time we’re awake. And when our minds wander, we often start to brood over the past or worry about the future—thereby leading to negative emotions like anger, regret, and stress. A mind that is constantly trying to focus upon the future—from getting good grades to applying to colleges—will be prone to greater anxiety and fear. While a little bit of stress can serve as a motivator, long-term chronic stress impairs our health as well as our intellectual faculties, such as attention and memory. As a consequence, focusing too hard on the future can actually impair our performance.
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[ PARENTING ] Children do better, and feel happier, if they learn how
What we tell our kids: Stay busy.
to stay in the present moment. And when people feel
What we should be telling them: Have fun doing nothing.
happy, they’re able to learn faster, think more creatively, and problem-solve more easily. Studies even suggest
Even in our leisure time, people in Western societies tend
that happiness makes you 12% more productive. Positive
to value high-intensity positive emotions like excitement,
emotions also make you more resilient to stress—helping
as opposed to low-intensity emotions like calm. (The
you to overcome challenges and setbacks more quickly
opposite is true in East Asian countries.) This means that
so you can get back on track.
our kids’ schedules are often packed to the brim with extracurricular activities and family outings, leaving little
It’s certainly good for children to have goals they’re
downtime.
working toward. But instead of always encouraging them to focus on what’s next on their to-do list, help them stay
There’s nothing wrong with excitement, fun, and
focused on the task or conversation at hand.
seeking out new experiences. But excitement, like stress, exhausts our physiology by tapping into our “fight or
What we tell our kids: Stress is inevitable—keep pushing
flight” system—and so we can unwittingly prompt our
yourself.
children to burn through their energy after school or on
What we should be telling them instead: Learn to chill
weekends, leaving them with fewer resources for the
out.
times when they need it most.
Children are feeling anxious at younger and younger
Moreover, research shows that our brains are more likely
ages, worrying about grades and feeling pressure to do
to come up with brilliant ideas when we are not focusing
better at school. Most distressingly, we’re even seeing
(thus the proverbial a-ha moment in the shower). So
stress-induced suicides in children—especially in high-
instead of over-scheduling kids, we should be blocking
achieving areas like Palo Alto in the Silicon Valley.
out time when they can be left to their own devices. Children can turn any situation—whether they are
The way we conduct our lives as adults often
sitting in a waiting room or walking to school—into an
communicates to children that stress is an unavoidable
opportunity for play. They may also choose calming
part of leading a successful life. We down caffeine
activities like reading a book, taking the dog for a
and over-schedule ourselves during the day, living in a
walk, or simply lying under a tree and staring up at the
constant state of overdrive and burning ourselves out—
clouds—all of which will allow them to approach the
and at night, we’re so wired that we use alcohol, sleep
rest of their lives from a more centered, peaceful place.
medication, or Xanax to calm down.
Giving your kids downtime will help them to be more creative and innovative. And just as importantly, it will
All in all, this is not a good lifestyle to model for children.
help them learn to relax.
It’s no surprise that research shows that children whose parents are dealing with burnout at work are more likely
The point here is not to never challenge them or deprive
than their peers to experience burnout at school.
them of opportunities for learning, the point is not to overschedule and overcommit them to the point where
I recommend that parents consider teaching their
they don’t have opportunities to learn independent play,
children the skills they will need to be more resilient
to be with themselves and daydream, to learn to be
in the face of stressful events. While we can’t change
happy just being rather than always doing.
the work and life demands that we face at work and at school, we can use techniques such as meditation,
What we tell our kids: Play to your strengths.
yoga and breathing to better deal with the pressures
What we should be telling them: Make mistakes and
we face. These tools help children learn to tap into their
learn to fail.
parasympathetic “rest and digest” nervous system (as opposed to the “fight or flight” stress response).
Parents tend to identify their children by their strengths FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29
[ PARENTING ] and the activities that come naturally to them. They say
attitudes of self-compassion—which means treating
their child is “a math person,” a “people person,” or “an
yourself as you would a friend in times of failure or
artist.” But research by Stanford University’s Carol Dweck
pain. This doesn’t mean that your children should be
shows that this mindset actually boxes your child into a
self-indulgent or let themselves off the hook when
persona, and makes them less likely to want to try new
they mess up. It simply means that they learn not to
things that they may not be good at. When a kid receives
beat themselves up. A shy child with self-compassion,
praise primarily for being athletic, for example, they’re
for example, will tell herself that it’s okay to feel shy
less likely to want to leave their comfort zone and try out
sometimes and that her personality simply isn’t as
for drama club. This can make them more anxious and
outgoing as others —and that she can set small,
depressed when faced with failure or challenges. Why?
manageable goals to come out of her shell. This mindset
Because they believe that, if they encounter obstacles in
will allow her to excel in the face of challenge, develop
a given area, that make them “not good at” the activity.
new social skills, and learn from mistakes.
But our brains are wired to learn new things. And it
What we tell our kids: It’s a dog-eat-dog world—so look
can only be a good thing to learn from our mistakes while we’re young. So instead identifying your child’s strengths, teach them that they actually can learn anything—as long as they try. Research by Dweck, author of best-selling book Mindset, shows children will then be more optimistic and even enthusiastic in the face of challenges, knowing that they just need to give it another go to improve. And they will be less likely to feel down about themselves and their talents. What we tell our kids: Know your weaknesses, and don’t be soft. What we should be telling them: Treat yourself well. We also tend to think that criticism is important for self-improvement. But while self-awareness is of course important, parents often inadvertently teach their children to be too self-critical. If a parent tells a child that she should try to be more outgoing, for example, the
out for number one. What we should be telling them: Show compassion to others. Research shows that, from childhood onward, our social connections are the most important predictor of health, happiness, and even longevity. Having positive relationships with other people is essential for our wellbeing, which in turn influences our intellectual abilities and ultimate success. Moreover, likability is one of the strongest predictors of success—regardless of actual skills. Wharton professor Adam Grant’s book Give & Take shows that you express compassion to those around you and create supportive relationships instead of remaining focused on yourself, you will actually be more successful in the long term—as long as you don’t let yourself be taken advantage of.
child may internalize that as a criticism of her naturally introverted personality.
Children are naturally compassionate and kind. But as psychologist Jean Twenge has written about in her
But research on self-criticism shows that it is basically
book Generation Me, young people are also becoming
self-sabotage. It keeps you focused on what’s wrong with
increasingly self-involved. So it’s important to encourage
you, thereby decreasing your confidence. It makes you
children’s natural instincts to care about other people’s
afraid of failure, which hurts your performance, makes
feelings and learn to put themselves in other people’s
you give up more easily, and leads to poor decision-
shoes.
making. And self-criticism makes you more likely to be anxious and depressed when faced with a challenge.
It’s true that it’s a tough world out there. But it would be a lot less tough if we all emphasized cutthroat competition
Instead, parents should encourage children to develop 30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018
less, and put a higher premium on learning to get along.
®
Preschool
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FEBRUARY 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31 CA Licenses: 013411303, 013411304, 013411305, 013417681
32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2018