Active Family Magazine - May 2016

MAY 2016

MOTHER’S DAY

WINE TASTING Around The Bay

FOR MOTHER’S DAY

10 Truths That Only Single Moms Know

Kids LoveShelby Us, J. Smith, DDS,Us MS, PC Parents Trust Pediatric Dentistry and Orthodontics

Kids Love Us, Parents Trust Us Over the past 20 years, Dr. Shelby has developed the reputation for being one of the most successful dentists in treating fearful and special needs children. Her gentle and low-key approach has helped thousands of kids have a great experience.

Working with their parents, Dr. Shelby and her staff have been successful treating many children who otherwise might have been sedated. In addition, Dr. Shelby has a degree in Orthodontics so as her patients grow, the transition into braces is more comfortable. Seeing the smiles on the faces of her patients as they grow from tiny tots to confident teens is one of the great joys of her life.

2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

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Volume 3 / Issue 28

[ PARENTING ]

[ WOMEN & CAREER ]

7 Ways to Develop Trust with Your Teen Using Parental Intelligence

14 What’s the Value of Work-Family Balance?

18 The Role of Emotions in Learning: How Parents Can Help

You Will Never Find Work-Life Balance But You Can Find Your Flow

30 [ WOMEN’S ISSUES ] 8 Tips To Feel Good About Yourself Without Making Any Comparisons

22

8

All I want for Mother’s Day is...

[ BEAUTY ]

26

[ SEASONAL FUN ] Mother’s Day Products We Love

10 6 Amazing Mother’s Day Celebrations

16 Mother’s Day Wine Tasting Around The Bay

36 A Long Weekend in Sonoma Wine Country is JustWhat a Girl Needs

Beauty Picks For Mom

What is the Right Age to…

33

46

48

[ RECIPES ]

[ SUMMER CAMP ]

Mother’s Day Brunch!

Camps & Programs

5 Ways to Know If You Are Stay-at-Home-Working Mom

53

39

34

[ EVENTS ] May Calendar

28

16 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

34

46

SPORTS MEDICINE CENTER FOR YOUNG ATHLETES Free 2016 Lectures & Hands-On Workshops

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Swimming: Stretches & Exercises

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Tuesday, June 28, 7-8 p.m.

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Tuesday, October 25, 7-8 p.m.

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Tuesday, January 26, 7-8 p.m.

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Running Clinic

Tuesday, March 22, 7-8 p.m.

Walnut Creek Campus

Gymnastics

Tuesday, April 26, 7-8 p.m.

Walnut Creek Campus

Tuesday, May 24, 7-8 p.m.

Oakland Campus

Tuesday, September 27, 7-8 p.m.

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Tuesday, July 26, 7-8 p.m.

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Tuesday, November 15, 7-8 p.m.

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Concussion

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Tuesday, August 23, 7-8 p.m.

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Attend in person or watch live online at bitly.com/sportslectures2016 Oakland 510-428-3558

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Marketing Assistant Interns

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Jaida Sinclair Alexis Faria

Amy Morin Betsy Brown Braun Catherine Pearlman, PhD, LCSW Dr. Christine Carter Jamee Tenzer Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. Lisa Sugarman Rosemond Perdue Cranner The Growing Room

Advertising Sales Director Kathy Brillheart kbrillheart@activefamilymag.com

Advertising Sales Managers

Fashion Editor Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com

April Gentry agentry@activefamilymag.com

Design/Production

Mary Oakes moakes@activefamilymag.com

Ad Design/Production

Teresa Agnew Craft Lara Mays

Sherry Maas smaas@activefamilymag.com

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note May’s issue is dedicated to all things MOM! This is your month and we hope we can provide you with all the resources and information you need in order to properly celebrate YOU! Be sure to turn to page 10 for our favorite Mother’s Day gift ideas and a chance to win these amazing products! Hosting Mother’s Day? Then flip to page 34 to find a handful of delicious brunch recipes courtesy of our friends at Whole Foods Market.

Are you lucky enough to sneak away for the weekend of May 8th, or perhaps just a day? Then check out page 36 where you will find a list of Mom-tested Wineries (and our personal favorites) where you can soak up the scenery and sunshine, unwind and enjoy a glass of vino.

Wishing you all a wonderful Mother’s Day! Enjoy!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

MOMMY MAKEOVER GIVEAWAY! Feeling a little run- down? Have you been taking care of everyone but yourself?

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Giveaway launches April 1, 2016 and ends May 31, 2016.

Enter to WIN an amazing makeover at www.activefamilymag.com or www.facebook.com/activefamilymag Winner will be announced in June.

[ WOMEN’S ISSUES ]

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, psychology instructor, and speaker. Her book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do is on sale now. She’s frequently quoted in national media outlets.

She also writes for Forbes and About.com. For more visit AmyMorinLCSW.com

8 Tips To Feel Good About Yourself Without Making Any Comparisons

*This article originally appeared in forbes.com.

by Amy Morin As you take stock of everyone else’s success, you may begin to wonder how to feel good about yourself given your circumstances. However, comparing yourself to everyone else will interfere with your ability to reach your potential. Practice these 8 strategies to help you feel good about yourself without making any comparisons.

1. Develop gratitude for what you have.

Instead of focusing on what others have that you don’t, focus on what you do have. If you have a jar of loose change somewhere in your home, you’re already more wealthy than many people on earth.

Develop gratitude for what you do have. Practice being thankful for all things big and small in your life and it will prevent you from feeling jealous about those who have more than you do. Each day try to list at least five things you are grateful for having in your life.

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

[ WOMEN’S ISSUES ] 2. Recognize that life isn’t fair.

your social life, or your relationships. Determine what you

Life isn’t meant to be fair. Humans aren’t dealt an equal

can do to make things better and develop a timeline for

and fair hand at birth. Instead, everyone is born into

yourself. Once you have a timeline, you’ll increase the

different circumstances with their own struggles.

chances that you’ll actually make change.

As soon as you accept that life isn’t fair, you’ll stop

6. Take an honest look at why you don’t feel good about

wasting time and energy focusing on wishing things were

yourself.

different. Let go of the anger and frustration you feel

If you don’t feel good about yourself, examine the

when you encounter hardships and struggles. Instead,

reasons. For example, if you don’t treat people kindly

focus on what you can learn from going through difficult

or you steal from your boss, perhaps you shouldn’t feel

times.

good about yourself.

3. Resolve to compete with yourself only.

Take some time to truly examine the reasons why you

There will always be someone who is more attractive,

don’t feel good. You may be able to help yourself

has more money, and is more successful than you. Stop

recognize areas of your life where you need to make

comparing yourself to them. Looking at them green with

some changes that can help improve your self-image.

envy won’t change your situation.

7. Change your behavior.

The only person you need to compete with is yourself.

Changing your behavior will change the way you feel.

Set out to improve who you are today compared to who

Be willing to try something new, regardless of whether

you were yesterday. It’s the only way to truly gauge your

you feel like it or not.

progress.

For example, if you spend your weekends sitting at home 4. Change what you can, accept what you can’t.

on the couch, it’s unlikely that you’ll suddenly feel good

Develop a plan to change what is within your control

about yourself. However, if you join a new activity or

and accept what you cannot change. You may be able

take a class, you may meet new people, gain new skills,

to lose 10 pounds; however, your genetic make-up may

and recognize new talents that can help you feel better

never allow you to be the world’s best body builder.

about yourself.

Focus on what iswithin your control and give up trying to change the impossible.

8. Focus on making others feel good.

One of the best ways to feel good about yourself is to do

5. Develop clear goals.

good deeds for others. Performing acts of kindness takes

One of the best ways to feel good about yourself is

the focus off you and gives you more reasons to feel

to experience some success. Establish some clear,

good. Volunteer at a nursing home, read to children in a

obtainable goals for yourself. Then, develop action steps

hospital, or walk pets at the animal shelter and you’ll start

that can help you work toward reaching your goals.

focusing on what you can contribute to the world rather

Consider goals to improve your health, your finances,

than wishing you could be like everybody else.

MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

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[ SEASONAL FUN ]

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[ SEASONAL FUN ]

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[ SEASONAL FUN ]

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[ PARENTING ]

Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst with specialized clinical training in infant-parent, child, adolescent, and adult psychotherapy.

She has been on the faculties of New York University and the Society for Psychoanalytic Study and Research, among others. She has written extensively on parenting for various publications, including the Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, The International Journal of Infant Observation, The Inner World of the Mother, Newsday’s Parents & Children Magazine, Long Island Parent.

She writes her popular column, PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE, at Moms Magazine and blogs for Huffington Post. Her new book is Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child’s Behavior.

7 Ways to Develop Trust with Your Teen Using Parental Intelligence

by Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. Using Parental Intelligence with Your Teen Parental Intelligence makes the parent-teenage relationship run smoothly. It’s so important to develop a trusting relationship with your teen. But teens like to feel independent. So how do you do it without feeling intrusive? How do you respect your teen’s need for autonomy and developing their own ways of doing things without feeling you are peering down at them with judgmental eyes These 7 steps help you unlock your Parental Intelligence.

Seven Ways to Develop Trust with Your Teen Using Concepts of Parental Intelligence 1. Find common core interests. For example, you may both be interested in politics with different candidates in mind. Have a lively debate respecting each other’s ideas. Go to a rally together or watch Fox and MSNBC and compare.

2. Listen carefully to each others’ perspectives. Remember that teens and adults, nevertheless all individuals, have different points of view. Instead of trying to win an argument, listen carefully to each others’ logic. Ask questions

14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

[ PARENTING ] to learn more details about the others’ vantage points.

6. Think with your teen about the future. Give them a concept of a timeline. When you’re young, it’s very

3. The crux of Parental Intelligence is understanding your teens’s mind. How do you do that? Listen carefully for their desires, goals, intentions, wishes, and imaginings.

4. Focus on intentions. It’s easy to misinterpret what your teen is doing because you don’t pursue the intentions behind their actions. Another tenet of Parental Intelligence is that behavior has meaning. Talk with your teen about the intention and thus meaning behind their behavior or even misbehavior. If you’re puzzled, ask questions. You’ll learn a lot about your teen’s goals and ways of thinking things through.

5. Another principle of Parental Intelligence is understanding your child’s development. Adolescence is not one stage of development. There’s early, middle and late adolescence where different capacities for thinking things through in logical ways develop, especially the capacity for abstract thinking. Notice as the years go by how your teen develops their ideas more fully, changes them because they learn more, and develops productive notions of how to accomplish goals.

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common to think in the moment which is a good thing of course. But it’s harder to plan for the future. When you’re a freshman in high school, you need to plan your course load not only with that year in mind. Help your teen consider how to proceed to plan for their next year and the year after that eventually leading to college planning. This isn’t meant to turn high school into a college prep program, but to give your teen the idea of forward looking thinking.

7. Do fun things with your teen. Make teen life not always a serious venture between parent and child. Hang out, play sports, do art work, whatever is your kid’s thing.

Enjoy a movie and have dinner alone afterwards. It’s fun, happy time together that’s the goal.

With all these suggestions in mind, only you know your teen really well. So ask him or her what they’d like to do with you when they have some time. Collaborate on making plans, solving problems, respecting each others’ wishes and you’ll build a strong parent-teen bond.

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MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

6 Amazing MOTHER’S DAY CELEBRATIONS

AN AFTERNOON SHOWING OF CINDERELLA Head over to the Orpheum Theater on Mother’s Day to see Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella. This classic performance offers colorful characters and lovely costumes.

The show starts at 2pm. For more information visit www.shnsf.com or call 888-746-1799.

EXPLORATORIUM FREE DAYS The Exploratorium will celebrate Mother’s Day on Sunday, May 8, 2016 by offering free admission to all visitors (not just for Mothers). For more information visit www.exploratorium.edu or call 415-528-4444.

MOTHER’S DAY BRUNCH ON THE SAN FRANCISCO BELLE A Mother’s job is never complete. Celebrate Mothers Day by relaxing on a two-hour cruise aboard the iconic San Francisco Belle! Enjoy a mouth-watering brunch buffet, free-flowing champagne and live DJ entertainment as you sail along the scenic San Francisco Bay with your family. For more information visit www.hornblower.com or call 1-888-467-6256.

SF BALLET: ONEGIN Head over to the War Memorial Opera House to catch the San Francisco Ballet Company’s final performance of the season: Onegin. This family-friendly performance starts at 2pm and lasts for just over two hours. For more information visit www.sfballet.org or call 415-865-2000.

MOTHER’S DAY GAME AT AT&T PARK Have a ball on Mother’s Day by celebrating with the San Francisco Giants as they take on the Colorado Rockies! For more information visit www.sanfrancisco.giants.mlb.com or call 866-800-1275.

16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

A WONDERFUL DAY AT THE WINERY Set out to Retzlaff Winery for their annual Mother’s Day picnic celebration! Enjoy their original live music by one of the bay areas finest bands...Tumbledown House and enter their annual hat competition! For more information visit www.retzlaffvineyards.com or call 925-447-8941.

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[ PARENTING ]

Jamee Tenzer is an Executive Coach, Trainer and Mentor.

For the past 15 years she has been privileged to coach breadwinner moms and executives and to work internationally as a coach mentor and trainer. She has worked with leaders in many industries including; entertainment, non-profit and technology.

In addition to serving as a Supervisor, Mentor and Trainer for the International Coach Academy from 2006 to 2015, she is also a trained mediator and the co-creator of three ICF Accredited courses for coaches; Deeper Conversations Coaching, Mentor Coach Certification and Real Coaching Sessions Unplugged.

Jamee is a member of the International Coach Federation, Producers Guild of America and Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. She holds a CPC from the International Coach Academy, a PCC from the International Coach Federation and a BCC from the Center for Credentialing and Education. She is a committed im-perfectionist - her husband and three children can attest to this!

What’s the Value of Work-Family Balance?

Part 3: What is Work – Family Balance Worth to You?

by Jamee Tenzer Last month we started to uncover your incredible secrets for creating Work – Family Balance by: 1. Identifying some of the times in which you notice more work – family balance in life.

2. Strengthening the muscles that you use to create that balance.

3. Committing to continue the process by taking small steps forward.

The next step is to congratulate yourself for all you have achieved so far to create the Work – Family balance that you are after. The recipe is simple; self-awareness, willingness to take small steps and a commitment to making a significant change. You’ve got all the ingredients and you are beginning to put it together – BRAVO! I can tell you are ready to zoom ahead.

But I have a surprise for you: it’s time to take a short break in the action and pat yourself on the back!

And I mean it! If you are not acknowledging yourself, you are missing out. Not

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

[ SEASONAL FUN ] only does acknowledgment feel good, it also helps to anchor in positive behavior, thoughts and actions – so pile on the acknowledgment and see your progress move more quickly.

I will wait just a minute while you close your eyes and take a moment to give yourself credit for what you have achieved so far.

How was that? Nice right? Keep doing it, and you will get hooked. Start acknowledging people more often in life, and you will become even MORE popular!

Okay, onward. This week, we are going to add fuel to the fire you’ve ignited by figuring out WHY you want Work – Family Balance in the first place. What can having that kind of balance do for you in terms of concrete results that show up in your life?

Everyone is talking about balance – We are over-run with the “mommy-wars.” Everyone has their own take on this subject and that includes you – but how often do you find out what your “take” on balance, is? When a concept is “in the culture” like the value of Work – Family balance, it is easy to sign up for it without really asking ourselves “why?”

Here’s why it’s important: when you identify the value that Work – Family balance offers you specifically, you will create the energy required to make it happen.

[ PARENTING ] gain in terms of Work – Family Balance if you took a few more moments for yourself? How would these gains show up tangibly in your life?

Here are some of the results that I have noticed in my coaching practice and in my own life: 1. Less time is wasted. When we slow down, we often are more efficient in the long run.

2. We intervene before a problem erupts. If we slow down we may notice something brewing at work or at home that we were too busy to notice before and be able to nip it in the bud!

3. See opportunities and possibilities that we might not see when we are in a hurry.

What are the benefits that you see are possible? See if you can list at least 3.

MOVING to create Work – Family Balance: Did you physically move more? Did you find opportunities to move with your family by taking family walks or walking to the local frozen yogurt store instead of driving?

Again, if you did or you didn’t – it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you notice what happened and decide if things are going the way you want them to go.

Are you ready?

The value of MOVING: Taking care of our physical bodies is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves personally and professionally.

Let’s go back and build on Thinking, Moving and Connecting in order to learn more about why we want Work – Family balance and why it is worth taking some small actions to get it.

Here are just some of the benefits to Work – Family balance that I have seen time and time again:

THINKING to create Work – Family Balance: Did you catch yourself taking a bit more time in the last week at work? Did you commit to allowing yourself an extra moment here and there with your family and if you did, were you able to make it happen?

Whether you did or didn’t, doesn’t matter. What does matter, is that you build self awareness so that you are empowered to make perfect choices in the moment, for you.

The value of THINKING: What do you think you might

1. Mental clarity to problem solve and stay calm when the world is chaotic.

2. Better health which leads to productivity.

3. Modeling a healthy lifestyle for our children.

4. More energy to “get it all done” with ease. (and there is so much to do!)

Take a look and see what the value is for you – how does it help you at work? How does moving make a difference at home? How can moving more create that MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

[ PARENTING ] balance you are working towards?

create more Work – Family Balance. Can you identify

CONNECTING to create Work – Family Balance: What does connecting mean to you? What kind of results do you get in your relationships with family when you truly connect with another person? What do you notice with your children and significant other? How about connections with your co-workers?

Ever thought about your connection with yourself?

The value of Connecting: 1. Learning about new resources and strategies.

2. Giving your full attention to another person – one of the greatest gifts you can give.

3. Sharing your challenges allows you to step outside yourself and gain new perspective.

three tangible examples?

For the next week, take the time to answer these questions above. Notice what is going on in your world moment to moment. Notice the strategies that are working for you to create balance and notice where you would like to put more effort.

Be curious. Discover new things about yourself. And stay tuned for next week and Part four of the Work-Family Balance Series – Making it Happen! where you will get the chance to put what you have learned into action.

One of the best ways to create Work – Family Balance is to to be good to yourself and strengthen your own peace of mind. Please help yourself to my free tool that

4. Allowing others to support you.

makes it easy for you to build your ability to experience a

How can connecting with others benefit you in your day to day life? How can connecting support your efforts to

little more peace in between the natural chaos of the life of a working mom: Be Good to Yourself Now.

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THE

SPIRIT

OF

Summer

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

JUNE 15-JULY 4

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[ PARENTING ]

The Growing Room Academy’s collaborative partnership with Village Music School allows our students and San Ramon Valley families to participate in an exciting array of expanded music education classes. This alliance allows Village Music School to extend their successful studio music program from the Diablo Valley to the San Ramon Valley.

Village Music School classes are held within the walls of Growing Room Academy and will be housed in two rooms solely dedicated as music studios. Classes are offered weekday afternoons and evenings, plus Saturdays.

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

The Role of Emotions in Learning: How Parents Can Help

by The Growing Room Almost a century ago renowned philosopher and educator, John Dewey, put forth an impassioned plea that educators place emphasis on educating the whole child. Dewey asserted teaching models that relied upon rote learning were not engaging the child in a meaningful way. Initiatives such as STEM and project-based learning are 21st-century responses to the active classroom participation that Dewey advocated. But, what of the whole child? While education pays lip service to the whole student, both parents and educators tend to focus on quantitative or measurable rational qualities when it comes to cognitive abilities. The intellectual aspect of learning is usually the focus; we

[ PARENTING ] measure ability in terms of test scores. Yet, this myopic

sensitive students into a “fight or flight” mode making

focus on scores is not yielding the results educators had

learning almost impossible.

predicted. Recent worldwide studies show that, despite one of the strongest economies in the world, the United

Conversely, if the limbic system interprets stimuli as happy

States doesn’t even crack the top ten in educational

or danger-free, the brain opens up to knowledge and

rankings. With our obsession with scores, one would

creativity allowing the student to process incoming

think the U.S. would be at the top of the pack. What is

information. A different set of chemicals flows into the

wrong?

synapses, enabling children to learn effectively and work efficiently. This is the “fight” reaction: the knowledge that

Emotional Well-being

the student can manage the task at hand.

For years, Finland has been a leader in education. Their approach does not emphasize testing. Their students

What Parents Can Do

spend less time in class, less time on homework, and

As of yet, students’ emotional systems are not being

more time outdoors where the focus is on free-play

addressed in the classroom. Because we don’t know

and socializing. Could it be that while we measure

exactly how to regulate or even define them, strong

spelling accuracy, countries like Finland are measuring

emotions end up being defined as a form of misbehavior.

emotional well-being?

Being too quick to label behaviors as misbehavior may rob parents of precious opportunities to offer support in

We know emotion is important in education—it drives

meaningful ways. There are some simple attitudes to

attention, which in turn drives learning and memory.

adopt at home that will help tremendously in bolstering

Think about how the prospect of reading aloud in class or

your child’s emotional well-being.

solving a math problem on the chalkboard is enough to paralyze some kids. Some perfectly competent students

Minimize Stress

freeze during written tests. We see children whose

Unfortunately, stress has become the norm for many

intellectual energies are drained through a combination

of our children. The consequence: limbic systems are

of fear and anxiety. Frightened students perform poorly;

in a continual fight or flight mode. Though very little, if

they do not learn or retain new information. Negative

anything, is truly life threatening, our children’s bodies

emotion is the enemy to memory. It also serves as the

react as if it were. Avoiding criticism and creating a safe

on/off switch for learning.

environment at home can help provide balance and a safe haven for an overanxious child. This also allows

Emotion And The Limbic System

the child a measure of self-esteem as he feels a sense

The limbic system is a complex set of brain structures

of control over his environment. Engage children in

located on both sides of the thalamus, right under the

activities that emphasize social interaction. Games and

cerebrum. This is where the emotional value of incoming

physical activities that engage the entire body provide

stimuli is interpreted. Depending on the limbic system’s

the most emotional support for children.

interpretation of the stimuli, it either opens or closes access to the cortical function in the higher parts of the

Promote a Growth Mindset

brain. Emotions such as fear, embarrassment, stress,

Parents can foster positive emotions in their children by

frustration or depression can create barriers between a

focusing on improvement over perfection. This may

child and his ability to reason and recall information.

require a shift in thinking for parents bent on high levels of

In short, the emotional brain, the limbic system, has the

academic success for their children; however, even those

power to open or close access to learning and memory.

students who are top performers benefit from a change of focus from achievement to effort.

As our brain’s principal regulator of emotion, the limbic system plays an important role in processing. Extreme

In countries where educators encourage a growth

emotion can hijack the limbic system and will send

mindset by focusing on effort over achievement, their MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ PARENTING ] students flourish. In Japan and South Korea, students

overwhelmed. Helping your child break down new

view failure as a natural part of the learning process

challenges into manageable components can help

and are more likely to embrace new challenges without

alleviate negative emotions that get in the way of

anxiety.

motivation or exploration. Motivation comes from

In contrast, students with a fixed mindset view their intelligence as unchanging. If they view themselves as a good student, they are primarily concerned with maintaining that status. They tend to avoid situations

confidence, which, in turn, fosters competence. Whether it is riding a bike or learning a foreign language, helping your child chip away at tasks in small pieces can lead to positive emotional experiences.

where they believe they may fail or make mistakes. The emotional fear associated with mistakes can paralyze

Support a Positive Emotional State

students. They shrink from hard subjects. Maintaining the

As parents, we can stay positive and endorse optimism.

status quo is accompanied by anxiety and stress, which

A positive environment is one where mistakes are viewed

adversely affects learning outcomes. Conversely, those

as progress and effort is rewarded. Creating a stress-free,

who view themselves as poor students believe they are

safe environment allows students to feel secure about

destined to struggle and face daily bouts of anxiety and embarrassment. Ultimately, they become discouraged and unmotivated. Praising effort, not intelligence, fosters the knowledge that mistakes are an integral part of the process and not something to be feared.

their own abilities without the accompanying angst of a hijacked limbic system. It is important to remember, just as John Dewey posited so many decades ago, that our children’s ability to learn involves more than brain tissue, IQ scores, and other cognitive tests; honoring the whole

Help Motivate

child is to remember the crucial role that emotional well-

Emotions can run amuck when a child is feeling

being plays in a child’s education.

Pleasanton Rage Girls Youth Soccer Club

Adventures in Learning Early Childhood Center

~ Recreational & Competitive programs available ~ Open to ages 4-18

Serving students 2 - 6 years Full and part time programs 3200 Hopyard Road | Pleasanton web. www.ailpleasanton.com tel. 925.462.7123

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

Give kids every chance to get better.

PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE THE MIRACLES ARE.

JENNIFER LOPEZ ACTRESS, MUSICIAN, TV PERSONALITY, MOM

Like all moms, I’m always concerned about my children’s well-being. But sometimes they get sick. Sometimes they get hurt. That’s why I’m so grateful we have children’s hospitals. If any child needs a miracle, they’ll do everything in their power to make one happen. Please join me in giving sick and injured children every chance to get better. Put Your Money Where the Miracles Are. Give to your Children’s Miracle Network Hospital.

Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals® raises funds and awareness for 170 member hospitals that provide 32 million treatments each year to kids across the U.S. and Canada. Donations stay local, funding critical treatments, pediatric medical equipment and charitable care. Learn why children’s hospitals need community support and find your member hospital at CMNHospitals.org and facebook.com/CMNHospitals.

Give Today

CMNHospitals.org

to UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospitals

[ PARENTING ]

Lisa Sugarman is the author of the Boston Globe Local Bestseller LIFE: It Is What It Is, available on Amazon, at Barnes & Noble.com, at Whole Foods Market, and in select Boston-area bookstores. She also writes the nationally syndicated humor column, It Is What It Is, which appears in over 400 GateHouse Media, Inc. newspapers from coast to coast. And she’s currently writing the first of four books in the How to Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids (And be ok with it.) series for Familius Publishing. She lives with her husband and two daughters in her hometown of Marblehead, Massachusetts, a tiny coastal town of twenty thousand people crammed onto a small peninsula just north of Boston.

All I want for Mother’s Day is…

by Lisa Sugarman So there’s something you should know up front, before we really get rolling… there’s very little that I want that I don’t already have. And that’s the honest truth.

I’m actually being serious right now. I consider myself to be an incredibly fortunate person who really has just about everything I could need to be happy. I’ve got a great guy, two terrific and relatively low-maintenance kids (relatively), and a surprisingly normal and loving extended family.

Yup, I have just about everything I need to be happy. Just about. (I am human, after all. And a girl. I do occasionally want stuff.) And I’ll get to what that is in a second.

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

[ PARENTING ] Now I know this might sound a little farfetched but, as

And I guess on some level I just want my kids to pause

a mom, I don’t often put myself first. In fact, I’m almost

long enough on Mother’s Day to acknowledge and

always dead last. Like, when I need a new pair of Dr.

appreciate me by giving me some of the “things” that I

Scholls for the summer I only buy them if there’s money

spend the rest of the year giving up because I’m so busy

left over after I’ve bought bathing suits, shorts and flip

being their mom.

flops for the girls, new dress shoes for Dave, and a new leash for the dog. Needless to say, I’ve been resoling the same pair of Dr. Scholls for the last ten years. You see my point.

I know, putting yourself last as a mom is a foreign concept to all you mamas out there. (I can feel you laughing.) So I guess it’s because I define myself as a mom above anything else that I feel like Mother’s Day is so significant. That’s why the one thing I actually want for myself is a perfect Mother’s Day.

I want things like getting and keeping their undivided attention when I’m talking. Eye contact, girls. Eye contact. I want privacy (specifically relating to the bathroom). I want unlimited access to the TV remote so I can watch an entire day’s worth of Modern Family back to back to back. I want the car radio to stay on the 80s Mix Up Mash Up station. I want to be the one to go in the shower first and use as much hot water as I want. All of it, actually. I want to drain that water heater dry. Just one time.

That’s it. Just one perfect day.

And I want to spend hours in the kitchen cooking How I define that perfect day, though, may surprise you.

my favorite meal and have everyone excited to eat

See, I have no interest in getting physical gifts from my

it, regardless of what they’re really in the mood for

girls on Mother’s Day, like silk pajamas or flowers or heart

(Chipotle is not an option). I want all fighting to cease

necklaces. Not that those aren’t meaningful, but they’re

and desist just for this one day—no door slamming, no

just not what really matters the most to me. In fact,

eye rolling, no attitude, no moodiness, no insults. And no

getting a store-bought gift is the exact opposite of what I

asking me for anything. In short, I want only happiness,

want. (God I hope this week’s column is the one you guys

gratitude, and appreciation, expressed either in the form

pick to read this year, cause I’m like spoon-feeding you

of hugs and kisses or I love yous or a simultaneous mix of

here.)

the three.

Honestly, the reason why this particular day is so important to me is because it’s the one day of the year that celebrates the most important thing that I am—a mom. Yeah, yeah, it’s corny, I know, but there isn’t one of us out there who doesn’t secretly feel the same way.

Every one of us bitches and moans that, as moms, we have no time for ourselves anymore; that we’re sleep deprived, sex deprived, exercise deprived, financially depleted, and in a constant state of chaos. Yet none of

This is what I want.

Ok, fine, maybe not all of it (my list is rather long). Maybe just a select few. Actually, I’d be thrilled if I got that last one about hugs and kisses and I love yous just as a gesture of good faith. Because the truth is, I really don’t have time to enjoy all the other stuff. Sunday is the day I strip all the sheets, do the food shopping, make lunches

us would trade motherhood for the promise of a lifetime

for the week, do all the ironing, and get to all the errands

of all of those things combined.

I didn’t have time for during the week.

Ok, granted, motherhood was most definitely the reason

Wow, come to think of it, Sunday’s looking pretty stacked.

they came up with the phrase labor of love.But it really

I might only have time for a quick wave as I’m backing

is about the best gig going because it’s one of the few

out of the garage. A mom can dream, though, can’t

things we all put our entire heart and soul into for life.

she?

MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

[ EVENTS ]

May Alameda County MAY 1 Elephant and Piggie’s We Are in a Play Freight & Savage Berkeley 11:00am & 2:00pm www.freightandsalvage.org

MAY 6, 7, 13 & 14 Family & Small Group Live-Aboard Overnight USS Hornet Alameda 7:00pm – 8:00pm www.uss-hornet.org

MAY 6, 13, 20 & 27 Friday Nights @ OMCA OMCA Oakland 5:00pm – 9:00pm www.museumca.org/friday-nights-omca

MAY 7 Flower Crowns for Mothers and Children Botanical Garden at Berkeley Berkeley 10:00am – 11:00am www.events.berkeley.edu Car-Topia Children’s Fairyland Oakland 11:0am – 2:00pm www.fairyland.org Garden Day Jack London Square Oakland 10:00am – 3:00pm www.jacklondonsquare.com

MAY 14 Zoovie Night Oakland Zoo Oakland 6:30pm – 9:30pm www.oaklandzoo.org OCTOPRETZEL Freight & Salvage Berkeley 11:00am www.freightandsalvage.org

MAY 14 & 15 Family Nature Fun Hike Crab Cove Visitor Center Alameda 2:00pm – 3:00pm www.ebparks.org

MAY 15 Songs of Nature Freight & Salvage Berkeley 1:00pm www.oaklandyouthchorus.org

MAY 18 Tilden Young Naturalists Tilden Nature Area Berkeley 3:30pm – 5:30pm www.ebparks.org

MAY 19 Tilden Tots Tilden Nature Area Berkeley 10:00am – 11:30am www.ebparks.org

MAY 20

Mothers Day

Jack’s Night Market Jack London Square Oakland 6:00pm – 10:00pm www.jacklondonsquare.com

MAY 10

MAY 21

MAY 8

Low Tide Exploration Crab Cove Visitor Center Alameda 10:30am – 11:45am www.ebparks.org

28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

Flashlight Tour USS Hornet Alameda 7:00pm – 8:00pm www.uss-hornet.org

Teddy Bear Tea with Friends Oakland Zoo Oakland 9:30am – 12:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org

MAY 27 History Mystery “After- Hours” Tour USS Hornet Alameda 7:00pm – 8:00pm www.uss-hornet.org

MAY 28 Celebrating Elephants Oakland Zoo Oakland 10:00am – 3:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org

MAY 28 & 29 Memorial Day Memories Crab Cove Visitor Center Alameda 2:00pm – 3:00pm www.ebparks.org

MAY 30 Memorial Day Memorial Day Free Day Ardenwood Historic Farm Fremont 10:00am – 4:00pm www.ebparks.org

Contra Costa County MAY 1 The Music Man, Jr. Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 2:15pm – 4:15pm www.lesherartscenter.org Bay Area Storytelling Festival Orinda Community Center Orinda 9:00am – 5:30pm www.bayareastorytelling.org

[ EVENTS ]

May Dad’s Day Bounce Farm Martinez 10:00am – 2:00pm www.bouncefarmfun.com

MAY 3 Nature Explorers Heather Farm Walnut Creek 10:00am – 11:30am www.gardenshf.org Cinco De Mayo Sombreros Moraga Library Moraga 4:00pm – 5:00pm www.ccclib.org

MAY 4 Walnut Creek First Wednesdays Cypress Streets Walnut Creek 10:00am – 11:30am www.gardenshf.org

MAY 5 – 8 Wizard of Oz Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com

MAY 6 Preschool Performance Series Village Theatre and Art Gallery Danville 10:00am www.villagetheatreshows.com

MAY 7 Science Day of Discovery Lafayette Nursery School Lafayette 10:00am – 1:00pm www.lafayettenurseryschool.com

MAY 7 & 8 Mother’s Day Weekend Playland Not-At-The-Beach El Cerrito 10:00am – 5:00pm

MAY 8

MAY 29-30

Mothers Day

Art & Wind Festival San Ramon Central Park San Ramon 11:00am – 6:00pm www.kidfestconcord.com

Family Day Sienna Ranch Lafayette 12:00pm – 4:00pm www.siennaranch.net

MAY 13 - 14 Seussical the Musical Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 7:00pm – 9:00pm www.lesherartscenter.org

MAY 30 Memorial Day Memorial Day Monday Playland-Not-at-the-Beach El Cerrito 10:00am – 5:00pm www.playland-not-at-the-beach.org

MAY 14 Butterfly Walk Mount Diablo State Park Clayton 10:00am www.mdia.org

MAY 15 & 21 Railroad Show Walnut Creek Model Railroad Society Walnut Creek 11:00am – 6:00pm www.wcmrs.org

MAY 20 Free Friday!

Lindsay Wildlife Experience Walnut Creek 10:00am – 5:00pm www.lindsaywildlife.org

MAY 21 & 22 Primavera Spring Art Show Blackhawk Plaza Danville Times Vary www.shopblackhawkplaza.com

MAY 28-29 KidFest Mt. Diablo High School Concord 10:00am – 6:00pm www.kidfestconcord.com

Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

www.playland-not-at-the-beach.org

MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

[ WOMEN & CAREER ]

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

You Will Never Find Work-Life Balance But you can find your flow

by Dr. Christine Carter All our talk and worry about “work-life balance” is such a bunch of baloney.

I don’t mean to be depressing, but you will never find “balance” between your work and your personal life. That very idea hinges on an implicit belief that there is some perfect ratio between time spent on work (and work-like activities, like checking your email) and time spent on everything else (like sleeping, or eating your lunch away from your desk, or helping your kids with their homework).

Your work and your personal life do not amount to a zero-sum game, where more of one means you’re compromising the other. In fact, the quality of your work and your productivity–your ability to create something of value and meaning for yourself and for others–is utterly dependent on the quality of your personal life.

How happy you are profoundly influences how well you do your job. Reams of

30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

[ SEASONAL FUN ] research shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that what we do outside of work thoroughly influences the energy, motivation, focus, creativity, persistence, insight, and raw intellectual power we bring to a given project or task at work.

The better your personal life is, the higher your potential to do great work.

I can hear the war cries from Silicon Valley and Wall Street now. “But no one in tech or at a start-up or who is brokering a billion dollar deal has a life!!! And THOSE people are rich and successful!!” you protest.

Hah. While those professions are certainly rigged so that the [mostly male] people at the top take home more money, their success is deeply subjective. Are they wealthy in the things that matter to you? Brigid Shulte reminds us to “remember that the wolves of Wall Street bragging about those long hours at the office got us into a global financial crisis, and that 95 percent of startups fail.”

Our sense that the most successful and productive people–“ideal workers”–put in an insane number of hours is just wrong. But what does the real “ideal worker” ACTUALLY look like?

I’ve been pondering this question for five or six years now, and I’ve come to see that the real ideal worker has seven core qualities or skills, listed below. But before I lay them out for you, let’s remember: Those of us who cultivate these qualities are more than workers, of course.

We are the joyful people who are working toward fulfilling our potential for creativity, productivity, intelligence, and–most importantly–meaning, fulfillment, and connection in our lives. We are the people who actually enjoy the lives that we’ve worked so hard to create. We also happen to be very good at our jobs.

We can attribute our happiness and success at work to the following seven skills and abilities.

1. We are able to do our most important work first. We work hard to decide what our priorities are. We seek to understand what work and relationships bring us meaning and fulfillment, and we schedule our time and our tasks accordingly. We understand the positive impact we are having on the world and other people, and this provides a tremendous source of energy and

[ WOMEN & CAREER ] motivation.

2. We command our own attention. In a world where corporations pay by the eyeball to capture our concentration and interest, we are able to build a fortress against all that interruption. We know how to handle temptations. We use our computers and tablets and smartphones strategically rather than compulsively, as tools that make us more efficient, effective, connected, and creative–not more distracted and drained.

3. We think deeply. Business writer Eric Barker calls this “the superpower of the 21st century.” Georgetown professor Cal Newport writes in his treatise on focus, Deep Work, that “the ability to perform deep work is becoming increasingly rare at exactly the same time it is becoming increasingly valuable in our economy.

As a consequence, the few who cultivate this skill, and then make it the core of their working life, will thrive.”

4. We effortlessly generate creative insights. We love to find innovative solutions to real-world, unpredictable problems. We value the activities that lead to creativity in a world that thinks we are behaving like children and slackers. We have the courage to nap, play, and stare into space while everyone else skips their lunch break in order to check their email.

5. We are authentic and emotionally courageous. We are willing to feel what we feel, and this gives us access to the wisdom of our hearts. We are tapped into the power of our intuition, which speaks to us in emotions and bodily sensations. And because we are willing to experience difficult emotions, we are gritty–we are able to persist despite difficulty toward our longterm goals. We are able to take risks, have difficult conversations, and stay true to what we know is right.

6. We are flourishing. We understand that cynicism is a marker of fear, not intelligence, and that when we prioritize positivity in our lives–when we consciously cultivate gratitude and love, happiness and peace, awe and inspiration, optimism and faith–we broaden our perception in the moment and build resources over time. Our ability to foster positive emotions allows us to access our most high-functioning, creative, and intelligent selves. We are more engaged with our work, our friends, our families, and our communities than our less positive peers.

MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31

[ WOMEN & CAREER ] 7. We are connected. We understand the transcendent importance of our relationships, and so we cast the net of our real-life friends and family both wide and deep.

Before and after School Care For students entering TK to 5th grade in PUSD

We are less likely to experience sadness, loneliness, low self-esteem, and problems with eating and sleeping than people who keep others at a distance. We are the strangers on the street who smile at you. We are the people you ask for favors, because we love to help out. We are your best friends, because we know how to build–and repair–our relationships.

The “real ideal worker” is not a mythical, unattainable Program includes:  Meals and snacks  Drop off and pick up from school  Classes such as Karate, Spanish, SPARK PE, Art and Science  Homework support  Open teacher work days and most vacations  Drop off and pick up from most schools

ideal. There are successful people all around you who aren’t working themselves to the brink of exhaustion and burnout. We aren’t perfect, but we’re dedicated to seeking the most joy possible out of our lives, including our lives at work. We are the people who know how to find flow. Personally, I’m hoping you will join our tribe.

Aren’t you ready to reset your vision for what you want for yourself?

3200 Hopyard Road | Pleasanton | www.ailpleasanton.com tel. 925.462.7123

LET US DO THE COOKING You make the memories Our chefs work with local farms to source the highest quality ingredients like cage-free eggs and humanely-raised meat and poultry.

We’re happy to accommodate special diets.

PLACE YOUR ORDER TODAY

order online at wholefoodsmarket.com/wecater

32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

[ BEAUTY ]

BEAUTY PICKS FOR MOM Recommended by Woodhouse Spa, Walnut Creek

FarmHouse Fresh’s Honey Heel Glaze The “Instant Pedicure”, Honey Heel Glaze seals in moisturize and brings rich color back to tired feet. Made with real honey and incorporated with aloe leaf juice, pineapple and papaya fruit extracts, you are sure to love this treat for your feet as much as Oprah does! Gluten, paraben and sulfate free.

Sonoma Lavender’s Lavender Neck Pillow It fits perfectly around your neck and shoulders to ease muscle tension. The aromatherapy of lavender brings deep relaxation while the heat brings long-lasting relief for aching muscles.

Calming for restful sleep, and balancing and strengthening for the mind and spirit.

Clarisonic’s Smart Profile The smart cleansing brush cleans 6x better than manual cleansing reducing the appearance of pores, fine lines and wrinkles. The device has four speeds and an additional turbo setting for body brushing. It auto-adjusts from gentle to deep cleansing so your skin is evenly cleansed and ready to absorb product. The Smart Profile is Clarisonic’s smartest, easiest, and most powerful skin cleansing brush! It changes lives!

About Woodhouse Spa Walnut Creek An exceptional experience awaits you…

Welcome to The Woodhouse. www.walnutcreek.woodhousespas.com

Voya’s Lazy Days Detoxifying Seaweed Bath Experience a rejuvenating trip to the Irish shores wrapped in hand-harvested organic seaweed.

Seaweed naturally cleanses and purifies your skin and helps to improve suppleness and elasticity. This exotic bath will reduce the signs of aging by toning, smoothing, moisturizing, and stimulating skin cells.

Luxuriate in your bath for beautifully soft skin!

MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33

[ RECIPES ]

MOTHER’S DAY BRUNCH Courtesy of Whole Foods Markets

CRAB AND MANGO TOASTIES Serves 4 These easy, elegant Mother’s Day brunch bites are divine, with decadent crabmeat, creamy cheese spread, sweet mangoes and fresh chives stacked on toasted bread. And they’re easy enough for the kids to assemble.

PINEAPPLE BREEZE SMOOTHIE INGREDIENTS: • 4 ounces claw or lump crabmeat, drained and picked through for shell pieces • 1/2 large mango, finely chopped • 4 slices frozen Gluten-Free Bakehouse Gluten Free Light White Sandwich Bread, toasted • 1 (4.4-ounce) package Snøfrisk Fresh Spreadable Norwegian Cheese • 2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives • METHOD: Toss crab and mango together in a small bowl. Spread toasted bread with Snøfrisk. Top with crab-mango mixture and chives, cut into quarters and serve.

Serves 2 Using both fresh pineapple and pineapple juice makes this smoothie a tropical dream. The addition of coconut milk makes for a rich, creamy drink, great for breakfast or an afternoon pick-me-up.

Nutritional Info: Per Serving: 310 calories (150 from fat), 17g total fat, 8g saturated fat, 50mg cholesterol, 380mg sodium, 31g carbohydrates, (3 g dietary fiber, 10g sugar), 12g protein.

Nutritional Info: Per Serving: 120 calories (45 from fat), 5g total fat, 4g saturated fat, 10mg sodium, 21g carbohydrates, (1 g dietary fiber, 14g sugar), 1g protein.

34 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

INGREDIENTS: • 1 cup cubed fresh pineapple • 1/2 cup pineapple juice • 2/3 light coconut milk • Crushed ice, to taste • METHOD: Purée all ingredients in a blender until smooth.

[ RECIPES ]

FLUFFY COTTAGE CHEESE PANCAKES

sugar. In a separate bowl, whisk together eggs, cottage

Serves 4 In these moist and tender pancakes, the cottage cheese adds quality calcium and protein. Serve with a bit of butter and maple syrup or, for a special treat, top with fig spread.

cheese, milk and oil. Add flour mixture to egg mixture

INGREDIENTS: • 1 cup unbleached all-purpose flour • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda • 1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt • 2 tablespoons sugar • 4 eggs • 1 cup low-fat cottage cheese • 1/2 cup low-fat (1%) milk • 2 tablespoons expeller-pressed canola oil • Canola spray oil METHOD: In a large bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, salt and

and whisk until just blended.

Lightly coat a large skillet or griddle with spray oil then heat over medium heat. Working in batches, form each pancake by spooning about 1/4 cup of the batter onto the skillet. Cook, flipping pancakes once, until golden brown on both sides and cooked through, about 5 minutes total. Transfer to plates and serve.

Nutritional Info: Per Serving: Serving size: about 3 pancakes, 310 calories (120 from fat), 13g total fat, 3g saturated fat, 220mg cholesterol, 600mg sodium, 33g carbohydrates, (1 g dietary fiber, 9g sugar), 17g protein.

MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 35

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Mother’s Day Wine Tasting Around the Bay HEALDSBURG, NAPA, SONOMA & LIVERMORE on a walking tour of Bella’s remarkable series of wine caves— including richly appointed nooks and crannies reserved for weddings and other special events—to an underground tasting room. Back outside, relax under handsome oaks while the kids romp on the lawn, toss beanbags, or give hula-hoops a whirl.

Benziger Family Winery 1883 London Ranch Road | Glen Ellen, CA 95442 (888) 490-2739 | www.benziger.com Benziger Family Winery offers a variety of experiences on their Sonoma ranch. Benziger Family Winery, known for its organic and biodynamic winegrowing practices, offers hourly tours, picnic grounds, and a playground and bird zoo for the kids.

The breathtaking garden grounds are busy with visitors and the winery even offers barbecue facilities by reservation only.

Alpha Omega Winery 1155 Mee Lane | St Helena, CA 94574 (707) 963-9999 | www.aowinery.com

Castello Di Amorosa 4045 St Helena Highway | Calistoga, CA (707) 967-6272 | www.castellodiamorosa.com

Alpha Omega, a family owned boutique winery, is located in the heart of Napa Valley on the Rutherford Bench. Alpha Omega began its journey in 2006 to be recognized as one of the great wine estates in the world. Handcrafting wines from historic vineyards in Napa Valley, Alpha Omega creates a wine that uniquely expresses the essence of the terroir of this famous wine region. Surrounded by vineyards and mountains, the beauty of this rustic, farm-style winery is as captivating as its wines.

Castello Di Amorosa is open for regular hours 364 days per year! There’s a special place in Napa for all of your little Princess lovers and/or knights-in-training—a full sized 13th century castle that’s straight out of a fairy tale book complete with a moat, emus, peacocks, guided tours, and the coolest dungeon tasting room ever where you get to sip while the kids are kept happily occupied with breadsticks and grape juice. A knight’s suit of armor in the corner completes the ambiance.

Arrowood Vineyards & Winery 4347 CA-12 | Glen Ellen, CA 95442 (707) 935-2600 | www.arrowoodvineyards.com

Chalk Hill 10300 Chalk Hill Road | Healdsburg, CA 95448 (707) 838-4306 | www.chalkhill.com

Arrowood is 100% Sonoma. Since 1986, we have been producing high-character wines from sustainably and organically farmed vineyards west of the Mayacamas Ridge.

Our winery is located in the historic Sonoma Valley, a small sub-appellation in the heart of the county. Often described as a warm pocket in a cool region, this rolling AVA is particularly well suited to Cabernet Sauvignon, our signature wine. We also produce limited quantities of other noble varieties from some of Sonoma’s acclaimed vineyards. Arrowood Vineyards & Winery offers a relaxed, country farm house setting complete with a kid-friendly tasting room. After the kids dig through the toy chest in the tasting room while you enjoy your wine, have a family picnic outside to take in the serene setting.

Chalk Hill Estate is one of the most spellbinding wineries in the world. Hidden in the rugged foothills of the Mayacamas Mountain Range that divides Napa and Sonoma Counties, the winery offers extraordinary scenery, a sense of serenity and seclusion, cooling maritime breezes, and a providential climate for wine grapes. More than 1,300 acres are devoted to vineyards, a winery, hospitality center, culinary garden, residence, stables, equestrian pavilion, sports fields, fishing and swimming ponds, guest houses and expansive wilderness areas. Choose from a variety of tour and tasting options. For a unique visit, enjoy horseback riding through the vineyards.

Bella Vineyards & Wine Caves 9711 West Dry Creek Road | Healdsburg, CA 95448 (866) 572-3552 | www.bellawinery.com Book the Ultimate Tour at this picturesque vineyard, spilling down a vine-covered hillside on the outskirts of Healdsburg, and get ready to blow away your kids. To tour the rambling estate, climb aboard a Swiss military-style vehicle to bump and jostle across the hills (kids love it). Next, follow your guide

36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

Chateau Montelena Winery 1429 Tubbs Lane | Calistoga, CA 94515 (707) 942-5105 A must for wine lovers seeking excellence, the setting is one of the most peaceful in the Napa Valley - a stone castle carved into a hillside overlooking a Chinese garden, lake and vineyards reaching out to the base of Mt. St. Helena. Step into their celebrated Tasting Room, located on the top floor of the Chateau, to sample and purchase their historic wines that are a reflection of their philosophy: Make the best. Period.

[ SEASONAL FUN ] Clos Du Val Winery 5330 Silverado Trail Napa, CA 94558 (707) 261-5251 www.closduval.com Friendly and down to earth, Clos Du Val is located in one of Napa Valley’s most beautiful settings. Enjoy the manicured grounds and ivy-covered building for a romantic interlude, a memorable family picnic, or a tour and tasting with friends. Relax, celebrate, and create the perfect moment with our wines.

Kunde Family Winery 9825 Sonoma Highway | Kenwood, CA 95452 (707) 833-5501 | www.kunde.com The Kunde Estate is a remarkable and diverse 1,850-acre property with dramatic shifts in topography. It stretches along 2 miles of the scenic Sonoma Highway, rises 1,400 feet above the valley floor, and spans across rolling hills into the bordering Mayacamas Mountain range. Vineyard locations, featuring 20 different varietals, vary from valley floor to hillside and mountain sites. Kunde offers four unique tasting experiences at their Tasting Room. Guided tours of their aging caves are available daily at no charge and without appointment for groups of ten or less.

Francis Ford Coppola Winery 300 Via Archimedes | Geyserville, CA 95441 (707) 857-1471 | www.francisfordcoppolawinery.com Academy Award-winning director Francis Ford Coppola adds his larger-than-life style to his estate-like compound near Geyserville, in the north end Sonoma County wine country.

This everyone’s-welcome play land isn’t just about wine, but relaxing in wine-country style—no matter when you were born.

On a warm afternoon, relax by the fabulous pool while your kids wade in special shallow zones or splash in fountains, and you might start scheming how to work here so you never have to leave. See who’s got game in your family with a round of bocce on pretty courts overlooking surrounding vineyards. Take turns watching the kids so you can slip away for wine tasting, or join an interesting tour.

Frank Family Vineyards 1091 Larkmead Lane | Calistoga, CA 94515 (707) 942-0859 | www.frankfamilyvineyards.com Frank Family Vineyards is one of the most sought after tasting rooms in the Napa Valley. The tasting room provides separate tasting areas for sparkling wines and still wines, with two additional rooms available for private tastings. Always jovial and often brimming with laughter, guests that visit the tasting room often find the experience refreshing in that the only focus at Frank Family Vineyards is wine and fun. The tasting room is consistently recognized by top national publications, wine tasters and aficionados across the board as one of the best in the country. Just outside the winery, to the south of the building, visitors are welcome to sit under the giant elm trees, relax at wooden picnic tables and enjoy spectacular vineyard views. Dog friendly!

Frog’s Leap Winery 8815 Conn Creek Road | Rutherford, CA 94573 (707) 963-4704 | www.frogsleap.com Noted one of the most romantic and noteworthy wineries in Napa! Frog’s Leap Winery welcomes both children and your favorite four-legged furry friends! Make your reservations ahead of time as Frog’s Leap does not take walk-ins. Despite the wait, this winery will cater all of your families wants: a barn, farm animals, and tons of fruit and vegetable gardens.

Lancaster Estate 15001 Chalk Hill Road | Healdsburg, CA 95448 (707) 433-8178 | www.lancaster-estate.com Lancaster Estate features 53 hillside-acres of vineyards. located in the eastern hills of southern Alexander Valley, at the confluence of the Chalk Hill and Knights Valley appellations.

The valley is emerging as a leading location for producing Bordeaux style Cabernet-based blends to rival the finest from the Napa Valley. Alexander Valley’s hillsides and mountain locations where diverse, nutrient-deficient soil types and microclimates are most prized, are proving ideal for developing distinctive wines of concentrated varietal character, deeply rich fruit forward flavors and aromas, alongside lithe tannins with demonstrated ageability. Visit today for an incredible tour and/ or tasting experience.

Landmark Vineyards 101 Adobe Canyon Road | Kenwood, CA 95452 (707) 833-0053 | www.landmarkwine.com Located at the foothills of the Mayacamas Mountains on the corner of Highway 12 and Adobe Canyon Road in Sonoma Valley, they offer daily tastings featuring Landmark’s signature wines as well as small-production, winery-only chardonnays and pinot noirs. Bocce Ball court, picnic area, and horsedrawn wagon rides on Saturdays make this winery an ideal destination for wine tasters with kids in tow. The mission-style grounds also feature a large pond and plenty of outdoor space for kids to run around.

Larson Family Winery 23355 Millerick Road | Sonoma, CA 95476 (707) 938-3031 www.larsonfamilywinery.com

MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 37

[ SEASONAL FUN ] At Larson Family Winery, they blend their passion for winemaking with their hard-working, fun-loving country lifestyle, as seamlessly as they blend their wines. Larson Family Winery is located in the heart of the Carneros region, on land that has been in the family for almost 120 years. They were once home to the largest Rodeo in Northern California and have lots of memorabilia in our barn turned tasting room. So bring the family, enjoy a picnic, play some bocce, visit our goats, and be sure to try their wines!

Long Meadow Ranch 738 Main Street | St. Helena, CA 94574 (707) 963-4555 | www.longmeadowranch.com

Trefethen Family Vineyards 1160 Oak Knoll Avenue | Napa, CA 94558 (866) 895-7696 | www.trefethen.com One of Napa’s classic wine estates, Trefethen is still a hidden gem. Easy to find, but only if you’re looking, their entry is on Oak Knoll Avenue, tucked away from the crowds of Highway 29. The actual winery building is the only surviving example in Napa Valley of a 3-story wooden gravity flow winery. Even if you don’t taste the wines (which would be a shame), it’s worth coming here just to walk the grounds and see this historic building, both inside and outside.

High above Napa Valley sits a winery with 4×4 tours of their mountain vineyards. They also offer everything for the foodiefocused family including a farmer’s market for all of the season’s latest picks, culinary provisions from their General Store, and a family nights with delicious kids’ specials that even the pickiest of young eaters will enjoy. During the summer months, Long Meadow Ranch also hosts Bluegrass concerts.

Roth Estate Winery 10309 Chalk Hill Road | Healdsburg, CA 95448 707) 836-7030 | www.rothwinery.com Roth Estate is a family-owned winery dedicated to crafting fullflavored wines grown in exemplary Sonoma County vineyards.

Nestled in the southern reaches of Alexander Valley, Roth’s home vineyard is comprised of gentle rolling hills. The lowvigor, volcanic-based soil shapes Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot wines of intensity, depth and concentration. Nearby lowland sites adjacent to the Russian River provide zesty, citrus flavors and rich, elegant textures for Sauvignon Blanc. Heading west to the heart of the Petaluma Gap, cool-climate Sonoma Coast sites produce rich, ripe Chardonnay and elegant Pinot Noir with vibrant acidity. Enjoy tours and tastings or a Roth Estate Picnic Lunch.

LIVERMORE BoaVenturas de Caires Winery 9309 Tesla Road | Livermore, CA 94550 (925) 606-9672 | www.boaventuravineyard.com This five-acre winery, perched atop a sunny hill in the southeast corner of the Livermore Valley, is a must-see! You’ll enjoy spectacular views of the Valley, while relishing our fullbodied, handcrafted wines. They have two large lawn areas perfect for picnicking. You can pass the day playing bocce, exploring the chicken coop, pushing your kids on the tire swing or simply taking time out on the hammock between the olive trees. Tasting Room open the first weekend of every month 124pm, or by appointment only.

McGrail Vineyards & Winery 5600 Greenville Road | Livermore, CA, 94550 (925) 215-0717 | www.mcgrailvineyards.com

Seghesio Family Vineyards 700 Grove Street | Healdsburg, CA 95448 (707) 433-3579 | www.seghesio.com From the more than 300 acres of vineyards throughout Sonoma County, Seghesio has carved out a few acres to host and entertain. Located in the heart of Healdsburg, the tasting room is open seven days a week. Guests are invited to taste overlooking the historic cellar of California’s 56th Bonded Winery, linger in the picnic grove, or play a game of bocce ball in the shade of oak trees.

38 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

McGrail Vineyards and Winery prides itself on being a boutique winery that is centered on family, friends, and fellow wine lovers. Bocce ball courts are available for the entire family to play! McGrail focuses on creating the finest Cabernet Sauvignon for you to enjoy through our small lot production.

Their tasting room sits in front of the vineyard on a hill where the views of the Livermore Valley are breathtaking.

Retzlaff Vineyards 1356 S Livermore Avenue | Livermore, CA 94550 (925) 447-8941 | www.retzlaffvineyards.com Retzlaff Vineyards and Estate Winery is family operated on 14 pristine acres in the historic Livermore Valley. Share a picnic and a bottle of Retzlaff under the shade of the majestic 100-year-old pepper trees. There is a massive lawn area where kids can run and play! Retzlaff Vineyards will not disappoint.

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[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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A Long Weekend in Sonoma Wine Country is Just What a Girl Needs

by Tracie Brown Vollgraf Sonoma’s Wine Country offers a plethora of treats, treasures and tastes just waiting to be discovered. The serene drive into Healdsburg, which is approximately an hour and a half from the East Bay Area, is an amazing sight, encompassed by plush vineyards and rolling hills.

With an abundance of things to do in downtown Healdsburg, the only difficult decision you will make all weekend is where to start. Centered on an adorable town square, boutiques, restaurants, coffee shops and quaint hotels line the blocks, which are ideal for strolling.

Add over 30 wine tasting rooms to the mix, and you have everything you need within a one mile stretch.

Longing to experience the beautiful countryside, we decided to start on the outskirts and work our way towards town. The Taste of Chalk Hill Road allowed us to visit three sister wineries within very close proximity to each other. Our adventure began at the iconic and captivating Chalk Hill Winery. Hidden in the rugged foothills of the Mayacamas Mountain Range that divides Napa and Sonoma Counties, their stunning tasting room demands an instant state of relaxation.

On this particular cool April day, we were drawn into their soothing and classy interior, encased by windows, where you are able to enjoy the stunning vineyard views showcasing over 1477 acres of pure lushness. With outdoor seating also available, the vineyards are front and center and one can easily spend the day staring at Chalk Hill’s idyllic grounds. Offering multiple tastings, we opted for their hour-long experience as we learned 46 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

about the winery’s history and new releases. In addition, Chalk Hill Winery also houses a hospitality center, culinary garden, residence, stables, equestrian pavilion, sports fields, fishing and swimming ponds, guest houses and expansive wilderness areas. For a unique visit, enjoy horseback riding through the vineyards.

We continued our journey down the road to Roth Estate Winery. A contrast to Chalk Hill’s more traditional aesthetic, Roth Estate is regal, modern and sleek. The expansive tasting room’s light wood coupled with floor to ceiling windows offers an airy sense of calm and serenity.

Walk out their front doors and enjoy a spacious patio with teak picnic tables overlooking the rolling hills. If you are feeling competitive, partake in a life-size game of Jenga or a match of corn hole. While we opted for a weekend sans kids, there was a family present to enjoy all the amenities Roth Estate had to offer. New to Roth in 2015 is their wine cave which is made up of more than 10,000 square feet of caves and tasting rooms for special events, by appointment.

As our visit landed us at lunchtime, we opted for the Tour and Tasting; a delicious picnic while sipping our wine, enjoying the sights and learning about the winery and all its offerings. The staff was friendly, gracious and knowledgeable, yet allowed us the space to relax and unwind.

The final stop of on the Taste of Chalk Hill Road tour was Lancaster Estate, which is located on 53 acres in the

[ SEASONAL FUN ] eastern hills of southern Alexander Valley. Although the smallest of the three wineries, the moment you walk into Lancaster you are welcomed by the warm, gracious tasting room staff who immediately greeted us upon arrival. As we learned about their extensive varietals we chatted it up with our newfound friends. We were then guided to a set of expansive wooden doors which were nestled into the side of the mountain. Upon entering the tasting cave, we were enveloped by coolness and surrounded by hundreds of French oak barrels. The caves house three separate seating areas which are ideal for entertaining. We explored the space, learned more about Lancaster’s wine, sipping as we went.

After the Chalk Hill Road tastings, we headed back towards Healdsburg. Just blocks away from the downtown Plaza, we popped in to Seghesio Family Winery. Established in 1895 and encompassing over 300 acres of vineyards across the Sonoma Valley, the Seghesio tasting room sits on a few picturesque acres and offers a warm and casual vibe. Guests are invited to taste overlooking the historic cellar of California’s 56th Bonded Winery, stroll in the picnic grove, or play a game of bocce ball under the trees. It was a perfect end to our wine tasting adventure!

Located in the heart of Healdsburg, we checked into the super sophisticated and modern Hotel Healdsburg.

Reminiscent of a swanky, upscale New York boutique hotel, Hotel Healdsburg is inviting and luxurious while possessing an understated simplicity and charm.

Located in Hotel Healdsburg’s lobby lounge you will find Spirit Bar, a favorite of locals and visitors alike, offering a menu of tantalizing small bites, craft cocktails and beer, a broad sampling of wine and live jazz on Friday and Saturday evenings.

The hotel’s sixty-foot pool and Jacuzzi, flanked by sunshaded chaise lounges, set in a garden of olive and fig trees, boxwood, hydrangea and rose, is the perfect spot to catch some sunshine and relax with a cold beverage from the pool bar.

Hop on one of their 8-speed PUBLIC bikes, in the hotels’ signature chartreuse green, which are available for a complimentary ride around town. If you can’t miss a work-out, The Fitness Center is equipped with cardio machines with personal TVs, free weights, and stretching area.

For the ultimate in pampering, The Spa at Hotel Healdsburg contains six serene treatment rooms— including a couple’s suite and offers all the comforts you’d expect to find at an exceptional hotel. This is the perfect treat after an incredible day of wine tasting!

You don’t have to walk far for a scrumptious meal. Right across the courtyard you will find renowned Chef, Charlie Palmer’s Dry Creek Kitchen. This inviting and intimate restaurant is a must-visit when in Healdsburg. The indooroutdoor ambiance is the ideal setting to enjoy a meal with your significant other or a group of friends. The staff is courteous, engaging and helpful, suggesting the most delectable entrée and wine pairings. We left happy, satiated and content, after a long, eventful day!

Hotel Healdsburg’s newly renovated guest rooms are remarkable retreats. Evoking purity and tranquility, you can’t help but sink into the luxurious oversized beds enveloped with the most splendid linens which assure an amazing night’s sleep.

Whether you are in the mood to play, wine, dine, shop or simply relax, Healdsburg is a must-visit… and just in time for Mother’s Day! MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 47

[ PARENTING ]

Betsy Brown Braun, best selling author of Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents (HarperCollins) and You’re Not The Boss Of Me: Brat proofing Your Four To Twelve Year Old (HarperCollins), is a child development and behavior specialist, parent educator, multiple birth parenting consultant, and founder of Parenting Pathways®, Inc. Her parenting expertise has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, U.S. News & World Report, Real Simple, American Baby, Cookie, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, In Style, Parenting, Parents, Pregnancy and Newborn, Twins, Woman’s Day, and, Working Mother, Colorado Parent Magazine, Ohio Valley Parent Magazine among other publications.

She has shared her expertise on the Today Show multiple times.

Other television appearances have included Dr. Phil, Rachael Ray, The Early Show, Good Morning America, Entertainment Tonight, Fox & Friends, Hallmark’s Home and Family, KCBS, KNBC, and Fox News LA. She contributes to KNX news radio on child development, and has been a guest on countless radio programs nationwide, including NPR. www.betsybrownbraun.com

48 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

What is the Right Age to…

by Betsy Brown Braun Knowing when is the “right age” to give permissions and allow age related activities challenges all parents, especially with that first born child. After all, it is often the parent’s first experience not only with a child of that age, but certainly with YOUR child of that age. In addition, it may not be something with which the parent hasn’t had any experience, and she is traveling blindly.

As is the case with most of parenting, there is not one clear cut answer to any question; there is not one definitive way to do anything. Each child is a completely separate set of moving parts—experiences, abilities, maturity, genes, temperament, and characteristics. Therefore, a permission can be granted only with each individual child considered.

[ PARENTING ] I can tell you for sure, that peer pressure should not be the overriding reason for any decision that you make.

Your decisions need to be based on your child, his readiness and maturity, and not what his friends are doing, and on you.

Another truth is that it is that first born child is your “practice child.” You are a completely different parent with your second born. With experience comes not only less fear and more confidence, but usually a more relaxed attitude all around. You know your child won’t break, life will go on, fixes and do-overs are just fine. On top of that, often parents have a difficult time saying no to the second born, when the first born has been granted permission. Hence, the right age can be different, earlier for number two than it was for number one.

Therefore, you will notice that each answer begins with “It depends…” I wrote this phrase to remind you that your answers are not cut and dry. Answers will be different for different children, even different children in the same family, as decisions are dependent upon so many variables, including each individual child.

What is the right age for a child to be left home alone?

It depends…

First of all, know that some states have explicit laws about children being left home alone. These are different in different states. So, be sure to check your local laws. Some children will be ready to stay home alone at age 10 years and others won’t be ready when they are 13. And there is a difference in staying home alone at night and during the day time. There is much to be considered when deciding if your child is READY to be left at home alone. There are two major things to consider: 1) Does the child want to stay home alone?

And 2) Is the child mature enough to stay home alone, to handle emergencies that could occur in your absence?

The following is a link to a piece that offers come good questions to ask yourself as well as ways to prepare.

Regardless of what age you decide to give it try, the ability to stay home alone is a process. It should be built over time, starting with a short period of time when you are very close by. Gradually extend the time and the distance, allowing the child to grow her confidence in being home alone.

What is the right age for a child to walk to school without an adult?

It depends…

While there are no legal guidelines or laws about this one, common sense tells us that children under the age of 8 years should not walk to school without an adult.

And in this particular case, readiness to walk to school alone is a gradual process. Among the things to be considered are the walk itself—the distance, the length of time it takes, the traffic on the route, the area through he will pass. Of course, you must consider your child himself and his maturity. Is he streetwise (How aware is he when he rides his bike? Does he stop and look both ways when you don’t demand it? Is he easily distracted? Is he cautious enough?) In my book, You’re Not the Boss of Me, in the chapter on cultivating independence, I address this question at length on pages 45-47.

What is the right age for a sleepover?

It depends…

There is no set age for when a child is ready for a sleepover. Some children are ready and raring to go at age 5; others still can’t sleep without mommy or daddy in the home or in their bed. Some children sleep at their grandparents’ or cousin’s home, but they would not be ready for spending the night at a peer’s home.

Sometimes the child is ready, but it is the parent who is not. Readiness is an important component if you, the parent, love your sleep. If your child isn’t ready, you are likely to be making a middle-of-the-night pick-up run! I have clients who firmly say they will never allow a sleepover, as they are worried about the influence of the older siblings who may be there, they are worried about the parents’ ability to care of their child, or they simply do not trust anyone but family members. I want to go on record for believing that sleepovers are great for kids who are ready. Not only do they encourage their independence, self-reliance, and self-care, but they help them to see how different people and families can be.

One of the ways that parents encourage their children’s independence is by showing your faith in their selfreliance. If you don’t trust in your child’s ability to make good choices for himself in your absence (at sleepovers), why should he trust himself? Parents who worry breed children who are worriers. Your comfort level will be an outgrowth of your having information. Knowing things like Who will be in the house? Where will the kids sleep? What are your rules for bedtime? How able is your child to ask MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 49

[ PARENTING ] for what he needs? will certainly help. And if your child is hesitant to do a sleepover but really wishes he were able, you might start with a sleepunder. A sleepunder is when your child stays at his friend’s home through dinner, bath, pj’s and story time, after which you pick him up. It’s a great way to start.

What is the right age to tell kids about Santa? (the Tooth Fairy? the Easter Bunny?)

It depends…

Some children figure out the answer to these questions long before we want them to. Others have older siblings who spill the beans. But by the age of 7 years, most children know or have an inkling that Santa isn’t real.

(It often comes with the realization that Santa was at each of the stores you visited for your holiday shopping that day.) While parents may love the innocence that accompanies believing in Santa or the Tooth Fairy, they fear they will be outed as a liar of sorts if they fess up.

Rest assured, it is likely that you will not be the one to have to tell your child. He will, however, come to you for verification. That is where you will need the discussion on the topic in my book, You’re Not the Boss of Me in the chapter on honesty, pages 132 to 135.

What is the right age to get a cell phone?

It depends….

This is a decision that many parents do not research well enough and about which they often fall victim to peer pressure. When your child claims that EVERYONE has a cell phone, make a few calls and ask those parents how it’s going for them.

phone.

Many of us long for the character building that happened before cell phones were available. Children used to be told to be at the park entry at 5 pm. If they weren’t there, the park privileges were gone. Today we simply call them to come out. No responsibility needed.

So be sure to give some thought to what your child will not learn by having a cell phone.

A cell phone is a computer. Having one gives the child access to many of the things for which you have carefully put parental controls on your home computer. Is your child ready for the easy access to the great World Wide Web when you are not there to supervise?

If it is a matter of you needing to be in touch with your child, consider getting him a phone, just a phone.

Procure for him one that has room for three contacts: home, Mom’s work, and Dad’s work.

Many experts agree that a good age for a child to have a cell phone is middle school. Sometimes that is 6th grade and sometimes it is 7th. That seems to be an age and context when children are given and respond to more responsibility more successfully.

Regardless of when you grant that urgent wish, be sure to have a cell phone contract that delineates the responsibilities an consequences that accompany having a phone. And if you really want him to be invested in his phone, make sure he is responsible for some, if not all of the monthly cost, too. (What?! Your child doesn’t have an allowance yet? Uh oh. Better go to You’re Not the Boss of Me again.)

What is the right age to shave her legs?

Just ask the parent of the third grader who begged and pleaded for a cell phone, professing his mature trustworthiness and responsible nature, and promptly lost his phone. Or ask the fourth grade parent who sees that his child uses the phone only for online games.

Before making the cell phone decision, a parent needs to ask herself if there is a need for the phone. (To a child most wants become needs!) Then look at the child’s track record for being responsible, for taking care of his possessions, for following through on family rules, to name just a few examples of his readiness for a cell 50 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

It depends…

For some young girls, shaving their legs or arm pits is merely a show of being grown up. In that case, it is a good idea to set an age at which you believe it will be okay. That is typically around 12 or 13 years old.

For others, shaving is a genuine need. With the onset of puberty coming at such varying ages, for some as early as 8 or 9 years old, the quality of the body hair changes, becoming darker and coarser. Their need to

[ PARENTING ] shave feels urgent to the growing young woman. There are some girls who are just plain hairy. I have heard stories from clients about their daughters who refuse to wear skirts or short sleeves, lest their hairy legs or pits show. This reality goes beyond peer pressure. To be teased for something over which you have no control and which seems socially unacceptable (unless you live outside the U.S.) is quite painful. Young girls may not realize that shaving and using a razor can be tricky business. They may not realize that once you begin shaving, it is something that has to be done on a regular basis. Girls who are older, in the 12 to 14 year range, are likely to have the maturity to handle a razor in such a way not to cut themselves.

In the event that your young daughter is one of those who needs to remove the hair because she is particularly hirsute, perhaps a depilatory cream is a good idea.

Sometimes Mom helping to use a scissor to cut the few arm pit hairs will do the trick, too.

What is the right age to have email, to have a Facebook account, to be on Instagram?

It depends…kind of.

When a child should have an email account generates a wide variety of opinions. This answer truly does “depend.”

It depends upon your child and the context in which your child lives, as well as on your feelings about his entering the lightning speed of the World Wide Web. Email is certainly a sure fire way to practice keyboarding, writing, spelling, grammar, reading…all of are necessary. We also know that 80% of the world’s email is spam, and many young children do not have the maturity to recognize spam and filter it out immediately.

There are schools who give their students email accounts within the school community only. Doing so can quench a child’s thirst or fuel it. There are families who share a family email account which is another way to enter the world of cyber communication. Each family will have to decide for themselves.

A few points to consider are: What is the reason he wants an email account and will he use it? How responsible is your child? Is he a reasonable rule follower? How mature are your child’s communication skills, especially when he is an emotionally elevated state?

Email providers have different minimum age requirements which will help you to make your decision. And you can always try your child out with the internet by observing his usage of your family email address. Without question, email use can only happen when the child is old enough to understand your very clear, firm, and pointed usage rules and why you need to have them. Without question, a contract between you and your email using child is necessary.

While there are parents who choose to allow their children to have Facebook or Instagram accounts, they are in fact breaking usage rules. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter Pinterest, Kik and Snapchat social media vehicles, say that children must be THIRTEEN YEARS OLD in order to register for service. Therefore, the answer to when is the right age for any of these is 13, according to the law. However, when that right age arrives, there will still be some children who will not be ready to follow your rules for usage. For them even older might be the right age.

With this in mind, it is imperative that you have some form of a contract for usage with which your child must comply.

What is the right age to get your ears pierced?

It depends…

Ear piercing is one of those practices about which parents have different opinions. It is something that is socially acceptable. But body piercing is a whole different story.

While ear piercing has been around forever in our culture, piercing other parts (tongues, lips, belly buttons, nipples, genitals, facial areas) is just starting to be more common among certain groups of people. However, with young, preteen children piercing anything beyond ears (a single hole and only on the lobe) is what most parents agree is acceptable.

There is a cultural component to ear piercing. Some cultures will pierce a baby’s ears as soon as she is born.

Others frown upon it, believing that our bodies are on loan, not to be desecrated in any way. Medical doctors suggest that a family wait at least 6 months until the infant’s immune system has time to develop, as infection are not uncommon.

Experts in the field agree that the right age for ear piercing depends upon the child’s ability to take responsibility for MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 51

[ PARENTING ] the care of her ears (to guard against infection) as well as the parent’s strong feelings about it.

it might be possible (when you are in high school; when you are old enough to pay for it, etc…) will make your decision more palatable. Or you may decide that for

When a parent has strong feelings, as hard as it often is for the child to accept, she just might have to do so.

Life is very much about compromise. It is a good idea, however, to let the child know at what age it will be okay for her to pierce her ears. A child can handle a disappointment much better knowing that there is a light at the tunnel, regardless of how dim it may seem right then.

What is the right age for body art?

It depends….

your teenage child it is a good way for her to express her individuality harmlessly. Hopefully, you will have had a calm discussion about all of the possible repercussions of being so noticeable before the shower water runs purple.

What is the right age to wear make-up?

It depends…on you!

Many little girls 2, 3, or 4 years, and some little boys, upon observing their mommies putting on make-up,

Body Art (body pierces, and tattoos, otherwise known “ink,” and unusual hair dyes) has certainly grown in popularity. As with all fads of this kind, it usually starts with college age and older and dribbles on down. Look at fashions for kids today. Abercrombie’s styles which were initially aimed at the 18 to 25 year old sector, are now popular with teens and even tweens. Tween clothing mimics the styles worn by older kids and adults.

It is not a surprise that children enjoy wearing faux tattoos and piercing. Just last night in a restaurant I met a client whose 9 year old daughter had pink hair. Her mother assured me it was semi-permanent!

are eager to give it try. Parents don’t have trouble with

Almost every state has laws addressing some aspect of body art, and at least 45 states have laws prohibiting minors from getting tattoos. Thirty eight states have laws that prohibit both body piercing and tattooing on minors without parental permission.

Regardless of your rules, it is a good idea to emphasize

Thank goodness a parent can fall back on the law in some cases. But whether you allow your child to change his/her hair color or have a different haircut is a more difficult decision. No laws about that! And we know that this is one of the ways that kids distinguish themselves and stand apart from his parents’ fuddy duddy world. Thankfully, hair grows and color washes out. However, the answer to these has everything to do with your personal opinions and your ability to calmly and rationally communicate with your child. A flat out NO without hearing the child’s point of view, will surely backfire, perhaps leading to sneaky behavior. For these, I suggest a conversation wherein your child feels s/he has been heard. Giving the child an idea about when 52 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2016

this, knowing that it is just a part of typical development, playing grown-up and trying on different roles. But when the 10 or 11 year old starts to ask for make-up, parents blanch because she is so young, too young. Make-up, clothing, hairstyles fall into a nebulous area in parenting, as there are no rules. Most parents feel that wearing make-up at an elementary school age sends the wrong message, and it feels wrong. Wearing makeup for dress up or for costumes is a whole different story. And your child can experiment with wild outfits, crazy hairstyles, and fancy make-up when he or she is at home.

how beautiful your daughter is without make-up.

Explain that she doesn’t really look like herself when she is made-up. And, of course, you will add that beauty grows from the inside out; how one makes up her face does not make her pretty or attractive. You are attractive because of the kind of person you are. Likely, it’s the same lecture your parents gave you!

To this end, when the time comes for wearing make up outside the house, and that could be middle school – 13 or 14 years old – start with a very light touch. Lip gloss followed by mascara will feel special to the child who has worn nothing.

Parents will exert their influence on their children when it comes to their health, safety, and family values, even if it doesn’t feel that way. Your child will rebel, but your influence, opinions, and advice do make a difference in the big picture.

[ PARENTING ]

Catherine Pearlman, PhD, LCSW has been working professionally with children and families for 17 years. During that span she has used her skills in myriad settings, including schools, camps, Boys and Girls Clubs, and in the homes of families.

Her greatest satisfaction has come from helping hundreds of families learn to lead happier, more fulfilled lives.

After seeing so many families — including her own –struggle with similar issues, Catherine started The Family Coach, LLC. to help parents solve the everyday problems that so many of us experience.

As The Family Coach, Catherine believes that there isn’t one solution for everyone. Instead, the best way to resolve an issue is with a unique, individualized plan that takes into account such factors as the family’s schedule, lifestyle and personality. Catherine is a calming presence who listens carefully and offers user-friendly advice to immediately improve the happiness in a household.

Catherine received her Doctorate in Social Welfare at Yeshiva University and a Master’s degree of Social Work from New York University. Her Bachelor’s degree in the History of Medicine and Sociology is from Bucknell University. Catherine lives in Westchester, NY with her husband and two children

5 Ways to Know If You Are a Stay-at-Home-Working Mom

by Catherine Pearlman, PhD, LCSW The mommy wars have created a harsh dichotomy between stay-athome moms and the working mother. Way back in the 1960s, Betty Friedan trumpeted the idea that women can choose to work outside the home–And immediately the catfight between the two groups began.

For a great many women, however, neither classification applied. With an increasing number of work-from-home opportunities (can you say direct sales?) and flexible schedules, they are members of both castes. These women deserve their own moniker and from now on should be referred to as stay-athome-working mothers (SAHWM). Here’s how you know if you are a SAHWM (Pronounced saw-hum).

1. You have two jobs. There’s no rest for the SAHWM. First there’s the job for which you receive monetary compensation. This job generally has deadlines and work product requirements. And there is often a pesky boss who checks on your work from time to time. The other job is the one of raising the kids.

This job requires cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, scheduling, and bathing (the kids, not necessarily yourself). SAHWMs are constantly balancing finishing a quarterly report with planning a Spiderman birthday extravaganza. They supervise play dates while prepping for dinner all while on a conference call.

They have all the responsibility for pick up, doctors’ appointments, and the PTA. But SAHWMs also plan work retreats and have meetings. For SAHWMs working does not negate the need to food shop, schedule afterschool activities, do laundry, clean the house, and make the dreaded school lunches. If you work these two jobs you are a SAHWM. 2. You are confused by the mommy wars. The mommy war implies an us-vs.them mentality. You don’t know which camp you are in. The stereotype of a stay-at-home mom is a mom who does the housework and minds the kids–But also goes to the gym and meets her friends at Starbucks for skim iced chai tea MAY 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 53

[ PARENTING ] lattes. Stay-at-homes don’t contribute to the finances of the household so some feel badly spending money on personal items. This isn’t you. You don’t feel badly about taking from family budget because you are the family budget. And you almost never get to the gym (You tell yourself you’ll get there when the kids go off to college).

So you must be a working mommy. Well, the stereotype of the working mother is that she isn’t there to raise her children. She misses the class trips to Legoland. And she cares more about her career advancement than her children’s milestones. Ouch. Also, not you. That’s the thing about the SAHWM. You do Legoland, and pick up afterschool. So you must be a SAHWM. 3. You feel stressed all the time. SAHWMs burn the candle at both ends. They eat the ice cream cone from the top and bottom. They walk a tight rope across Niagara Falls.

SAHWMs try to give their all to their kids and their work.

Yet too often both sides feel compromised. If it seems as if you are never caught up, always have more work to do, and look forward to being alone in the supermarket, well, you’re probably a SAHWM. 4. You are really two people. SAHWMs gauge their audience all the time. If they are at a birthday party

they become the mom who can talk about teachers to avoid (You know the one) or the latest bully on the block (Stay away from little Johnny). If they are at work, they learn to minimize mommy talk to avoid losing cred with the higher ups and their peers. A SAHWM wouldn’t think of mentioning the kids vacation schedule at work, and she wouldn’t dare talk about how hard work is at the birthday party. If you are constantly shuffling back and forth between these two women you are a SAHWM. 5. You take efficiency to a new level. SAHWMs don’t have time for a wasted minute. They need to be all things to all people. When at school they want to get in and get out.

They nearly crawl out of their skin when the PTA devotes an hour and twenty gosh darn minutes to debate which type of swing would be best for the new playground (Your answer, who cares?). When SAHWMs are working they get eight hours of work done in five. SAHWMs don’t like committees or group projects. Scratch that–they loathe any project of any kind. If a memo comes home from school that a diorama of the water cycle will be due next week the SAHWM wants to lead the coup to overthrow the administration. If you make lists obsessively and follow schedules like your life depended on it, you are a SAHWM.

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