Active Family Magazine - June 2015

JUNE 2015

7 WAYS TO SURVIVE SUMMER WITH KIDS

FATHERHOOD: THE GUY’S GUIDE

Discover

DOWNTOWN PLEASANTON!

10 THINGS I WANT MY SON TO KNOW

(Even If He Isn’t Listening Right Now)

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Volume 2 / Issue 17

[ PARENTING ] School Is Out and My Kids Just Want to Watch TV!

8

GROWING TALL: Raising a Skilled Conversationalist

44

14

52 [ EVENTS ]

Fatherhood: The Guy’s Guide

Living Life With Open Hands

Great Golfing Spots for Dad

48

June Calendar

28

[ FASHION ]

[ DISCOVER PLEASANTON ]

10 Things I Want My Son to Know

For the Love of Dad

10

Discover Downtown Pleasanton!

(Even If He Isn’t Listening Right Now}

22 7 Ways to Survive Summer With Kids

24

32

[ MEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

[ SUMMER CAMP ]

Men Crave Intimate Friendships, Too

Summer Camp Guide

36

18

Nine Simple Mommy Secrets for Boosting Sibling Harmony

30

Summer Camps & Open Houses

46

[ SEASONAL FUN ] Your Local Guide to Farmers’ Markets

20

30 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

10

52

From common illnesses to complex diseases, your child has access to world-class pediatric specialists, close to home.

ask your pediatrician to help you connect with a subspecialist at children’s Hospital.

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Clinical Nutrition

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Ophthalmology

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General Surgery Nephrology Neurology Orthopaedics Psychiatry Pulmonology Speech Therapy Sports Medicine Physical Therapy

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Design/Production

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Teresa Agnew Craft

Marketing Manager

Ad Design/Production

Crystal Jahn

Lara Mays

Susan Stiffelman Rachel Macy Stafford Shasta Nelson Craig Tomashoff Kelsey Ramsden Dr. Michele Borba The Growing Room Gary Drevitch

Sr. Advertising Sales Manager Lauren Barhite

Advertising Sales Manager April Gentry Cindy Gavello

Wardrobe Stylist Jeneffer Jones Punjani

Marketing Assistant Interns Jaida Sinclair Nancy Thapa Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note Summertime, oh how we’ve missed you! Here come lazy days, sleepovers, pool time, summer camp, road trips and more! Who wants to be a kid again?

Before we jump into all things summer, first things first! Father’s Day is June 21st and it’s time to celebrate Dad! Check out our fashion spread on page 10 which is sure to give you inspiration, and maybe prompt you to plan a summer camping trip!

We are incredibly excited to include articles not only for Dad, but written by Dads; ‘Fatherhood: The Guy’s Guide’ on pg. 48 and ‘10 Things I Want My Son to Know (Even If He Isn’t Listening Right Now)’ on page 22. Also be sure to check out Shasta Nelson’s ‘Men Crave Intimate Friendships, Too’ on page 18 and the Golf Guide on page 52! We did say it’s all about Dad, right?

ON THE COVER:

On Dad: plaid shirt $255, distressed jean $255, both Rag & Bone, found at Nordstrom. On boy: Scotch Shrunk cardigan sweater, $124, at Scotch & Soda. Jeans, $59.50, at J.Crew

Start the sunny season off with our Farmer’s Market Guide, Summer Camp Start Dates, June Calendar of Events and survival tips to help you get through the next few months. Don’t forget to check out our website for discounts, things to do, craft ideas and more!

Wishing you a fun-filled summer!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ PARENTING ]

Susan Stiffelman, Huffington Post Parent’s weekly advice columnist (“Parent Coach”), is an engaging speaker whose presentations leave audiences upbeat, entertained and fortified with practical strategies that will make an immediate and significant difference in their day to day lives. Susan is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child therapist, a credentialed teacher, and a highly regarded parenting coach. Instead of offering standard, scripted advice to parents about how to control their children, Susan focuses on helping them be what she calls the Captain of the ship their children need and naturally want to cooperate with, confide in, and respect. Those who attend Susan’s presentations routinely email her office with thanks, and a request to come back again!

‘School Is Out and My Kids Just Want to Watch TV!’

by Susan Stiffelman I have three children ages 13, 11 and 9. On weekends and school breaks they have a bad habit of getting out of bed and going downstairs and turning on the TV. They come down at different times, the last being my 13-year-old, which therefore extends their viewing time. Before I know it, two hours has gone by and I am yelling at them to turn it off and do something else! It’s probably the fault of my husband and I trying to get some extras z’s on the weekend from when they were younger.

What do you suggest for TV summer rules and/or the breaking of this bad habit?

Please help so we can have a more productive and peaceful summer!

I appreciate your dilemma; when children are sitting in front of a television set, there are important things that they aren’t doing, like drawing, singing, building, making music, riding bikes, playing catch or engaging in any of the countless activities that contribute to healthy growth and development. Here are my suggestions: 1. Get clear.

At the moment, although you don’t like the idea of your kids starting out their mornings on a heavy dose of TV, you very much appreciate the benefits of having

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ PARENTING ] them occupied so you can sleep a little longer. Decide how much TV you feel comfortable with them watching and then gather everyone for a family meeting to communicate new guidelines. Whether that’s 30 minutes between 9:00 and 10:00 a.m., or an hour a day of their choosing, be prepared for pushback if you’re going to set new limits.

4. Go cold turkey.

Hit the reset button on your kids’ expectations for the amount of time they get to sit in front of the screen by pulling the plug for a week -- or two! We tend to value things more when they have been in short supply. Your kids will find it easier to adjust to reduced TV time (and more appreciative of the time they do get to watch) if

2. Be brave.

I’ve said it before and I’ll no doubt say it many times again: You cannot hope to parent effectively if you are afraid of upsetting your children. Decide what the guidelines should be for your kids vis-à- vis television viewing, stick to your plan and be prepared for your children to argue, negotiate or stage a protest. “It’s not fair! So and so’s mom lets him watch five hours a day!” Be kind, be calm, but stay the course.

3. Brainstorm alternatives.

Once your kids understand that you’re serious about pulling the plug on unlimited morning TV, they will start getting on board. Sit down together with a big pad of newsprint and brainstorm things they can do when they wake up in the morning and you and dad are still in bed.

they have had to go without for a little while.

5. Recognize the risks.

While TV watching is safe when compared to playing in the street or using drugs, it is not harmless. If you know that unlimited television viewing saps a child’s creativity or their ability to entertain themselves, then it makes sense to set limits.

When children are little, their passion for learning and engagement with the world around them is fierce; most toddlers would rather learn than eat! Allow your kids to be bored for a while and they will tap back into that curiosity for life that they had when they were little ones.

JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ FASHION ]

FOR THE

Love of Dad

10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ FASHION ]

ABOVE: On Dad: Jack Spade flannel shirt, $168, at Nordstrom.

Rag & Bone distressed jean, $255, at Neiman Marcus.

On Boy: Scotch Shrunk 2-in-1 tee, $72, at Scotch & Soda.

Jeans, $34.95, by GapKids ABOVE RIGHT: Shirt by Burberry, $120, shorts by Mini Boden, $36, both at Nordstrom RIGHT: Classic ‘trucker’ jacket, $151, five pocket shorts, $81, jacquard tunnel scarf, $41, all by Scotch Shrunk, at Scotch & Soda OPPOSITE PAGE: On Dad: Sweater by Inis Meain, $365, at East Dane. Jeans: model’s own. On boy: Sweater by Scotch Shrunk, $103, at Scotch & Soda. Jeans

by J.Crew, $49.50. Suspenders by J.Crew, $29.50

JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

[ FASHION ]

ABOVE: Boy’s sweater by Burberry, $265 at Nordstrom

Photographer: Jenna Alcala | www.JennaAlcala.com Represented by: Tim Mitchell Artist Representative |www.tmar.com Wardrobe & Prop Stylist: Jeneffer Jones Punjani, represented by Artists’ Services www.artists-services.com Hair & Makeup Artist: Janet Mariscal, represented by Artists’ Services www.artists-services.com Models all represented by JE Model Management | www.jemodel.com

12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ FASHION ]

JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ PARENTING ]

Living Life With Open Hands

by Rachel Macy Stafford “A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.” ~author unknown

Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.

I recently took a weeklong trip in celebration of my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. The excursion was perfect except for the fact that work commitments prevented my husband from joining us. Perhaps it was because my daughters mentioned daily how much they missed their daddy that I began noticing many attentive fathers along our travels.

One particular night, we found ourselves on the outskirts of a dance floor. As the talented musicians played the first notes to “Cupid Shuffle,” children flocked to the center and began moving excitedly to the beat.

I marveled at the one lone father who scooped up his youngest daughter, held the hand of his other child, and summoned his lovely wife out to the dance floor.

Praying I did not look like a stalker, I stole glances at this loving father who so clearly was a constant source of laughter, fun, and spontaneity in his family.

I had to smile to myself as I watched the children delight in their dad’s silly antics because I knew if my husband were with us he would be engaging our family the same way.

And while experiencing this tangible longing for presence of my own lively husband, I came to a conclusion.

There’s something special about the way dads live life.

And this space (which happens to be called “Hands Free Mama”) seems like the perfect place to explain what that something special is.

Most dads are instinctively “Hands Free” parents—meaning that “grasping the moments that matter” comes naturally to them.

Let me explain.

14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ PARENTING ] Speaking from experience here, “letting go to grasp what really matters” is something I have to work at, to strive for—whether it is letting go of distraction, perfection, or unnecessary pressure on myself, I have to make a conscious choice to do so. And I’ll admit, some days I struggle to let go.

I am being honest, I must give credit to the source of much of my “Hands Free” inspiration.

Where I have the tendency to overthink things, the man in my life shrugs and says, “We’ll work out the details later.”

And the many remarkable guys I have been blessed to meet in my life.

Where I have the tendency to make a 25-step plan, my husband says, “Let’s just wing it.”

And chances are, whether you realized it or not, there is probably a “Hands Free” guy in your life.

Where I have the tendency to sweat about the small stuff, my spouse reminds me, “It’s really not a big deal in the grand scheme of life.”

Perhaps today is the day you give him a name for the kind of parenting he does. Perhaps today is the day he becomes aware that someone has noticed all the times he opened his hands and said YES to what really matters.

A few weeks ago, our children asked, “Can we have a lemonade stand?”

While my overactive mind was considering sticky kitchen counters, pop-up thunderstorms, and a severe shortage of customers, my husband piped up, “Sure. Let me help you set up.”

I’ve noticed that my daughter, who recently learned to skate, asks her dad (rather than me) if he wants to join her for a glide around the block after dinner.

Maybe it’s because she knows that while I am thinking about her getting sweaty, overly excited, or injured right before bedtime, her dad quickly replies with, “Sure. Let’s do a lap.”

So it made perfect sense that one day, out the blue, my older daughter said, “You know what I love about Daddy? I love that when I ask him to do something with me, he always says YES.” Yes. Yes to reading a few more pages before lights out.

Yes to making homemade ice cream and getting adventurous with the flavoring.

Yes to hitting golf balls into the ravine behind our house.

Yes to grabbing some crickets and a fishing pole and heading down to the lake.

And as I reflect on my childhood, I think about my dad saying YES an awful lot.

And when I think about my own wonderful uncles and the uncles of my children, I think of the many, many times they have said, “Sure. Why not?”

A reader of my blog recently paid me the ultimate compliment. She said I have given a name to the best kind of parenting: “Hands Free.” Although I would love nothing more than to take the credit, I simply can’t. If

My dad My husband

A “Hands Free” Dad …

-makes pancakes on Saturday morning and allows his miniature baking assistants to stir and flip despite the mess and giggly mayhem that erupts.

-has laugh lines around his eyes from manual labor under the hot sun, memorable days spent on the beach, and the ability to laugh at himself.

-doesn’t expect perfection from his kids—in fact, he understands better than anyone that mistakes don’t define you; they are just part of growing up.

A “Hands Free” Dad …

-builds self-confidence as he patiently teaches his brand new driver how to check the oil, change a tire, and make cautious left turns.

-openly shows affection for the mother of his children— delighting in the way her eyes twinkle when he unexpectedly kisses her in front of the kids.

-sits on uncomfortable small chairs, hard bleachers in the pouring rain, and at the homework table for countless hours so he can be a part of his child’s world and memory bank.

A “Hands Free” Dad …

-demonstrates kindness through action, rather than words—mowing his elderly neighbor’s yard, spending his weekend building someone else a home, and buying a hot meal for a man whose hope is as thin as his threadbare pants.

-quietly creeps in to watch the angelic faces of his children as they sleep, feeling overwhelming gratitude that they are his to love.

-defines a perfect day as one with a blue sky, cold beverages, and the love of his family by his side.

A “Hands Free” Dad …

-feels an emotional rush when he sees that little face light JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ PARENTING ] up simply because he walked in the door.

-tells his love she is more beautiful than she was on their wedding day at precisely the moment she needs to hear it.

-endures piercing screams as he steadies the back of a wobbly bike until terror turns to triumph, and he hears a jubilant voice exclaim, “Look Daddy! I’m pedaling! I’m pedaling!”

A “Hands Free” Dad …

-scoops up the early morning visitor who arrives at his bedside in pajamas-clad feet even though he knows this cuddling session will be the end of his peaceful slumber.

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-gets choked up simply by hearing the words, “I love you, Daddy.”

-prays every single night that they will never be too big for him to hold.

See, there’s this thing about dads and the way they live life. Granted, it’s not perfect, and it may be messy at times; it may not be the way I do it, and perhaps it’s not the way you do it, but there is value in it; I am talking about life-changing, soul-touching value. And if you look closely you can see it.

It’s in the piggy back ride.

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It’s in the hammering project the two of them have in the garage.

It’s in the whiskers that gently rub against her face and the “Daddy smell” she breaths in as she smiles.

It’s in the arm around the shoulder after a tough game.

It’s in their noisy jam session.

It’s in that jubilant sound of joyous laughter that only their daddy can produce.

It’s in their faces … oh yes, the way their daddy makes life worth living radiates in their precious faces.

If the man in your life knows how to “let go to grasp what really matters,” step back, admire him, celebrate him, learn from him, and be sure to say “Thank you.”

Recognize him for the way he lives his life: with open hands—which just happens to be the most nurturing and wonderful place for a child to grow.

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[ MEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Shasta Nelson, M.Div., is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship matching site in 35 cities across the U.S. and Canada.

Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her book Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends.

She also writes at ShastasFriendshipBlog.com and in the Huffington Post, speaks across the country, and is a friendship expert in the media appearing on such shows as Katie Couric and the Today Show.

Twitter: @girlfrndcircles

Men Crave Intimate Friendships Too

by Shasta Nelson It felt like a sacred gift to be invited into a weekend of male bonding. While there had never been a sign hung that had said, “No girls allowed,” this year when the seven men gathered for the weekend that is becoming a bit of a tradition– the wives were invited, too. What a privilege. I wanted to share a few of the evident truths…

1. Men Crave Being Known. Wanting to be seen, known, and accepted is a human experience, not a gender preference. Men want to be witnessed and validated and included as much as any woman I’ve ever met. Our culture may model it as having to happen around a TV, sport, or activity– but many a man has confided to me “I wish men could just get together to talk the way women seem able.” And this weekend that’s just what they did.

Every guy was given an hour (an hour!) to share with the group whatever had gone on in their lives since the last time they were together. I’ve often said that I think the need for meaningful friendship is just as crucial for men, and probably even more important for us to talk about, since our culture has given very little modeling or permission for men to share deeply. But they want to. Yes, they do.

2. Men Know How To Process Feelings. In fact, if there is a gap in our society between those who like to share feelings and those who may not want to do it as much– I don’t think it’s based on gender as much as it might be based on temperaments, strengths, or personality. These men, shared deeply about how it felt to be aging, how their career changes were impacting their identity, what it felt like to watch their children grow up, and how they wanted to change some of their life values. When given the space– every single one of them shared life with incredible authenticity.

3. Men Don’t Need Women Prompting Them. I want it to be clear that while we women were there… we were in the background. Only the men were given an hour. We were witnesses more than participants. You could sense

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[ MEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] that sometimes when our men were sharing that we wanted to jump in and help tell the story, but to the credit of all the women there: we sat back and let them stay in the leading role. I often watch my friends jump in and “save” their husbands in social settings, or watch as men “lean back” and let their social wives carry the conversations… but sometimes I think that has more to do with habits and roles, than desire. For in this house, the men seemed happy to have us there, but they didn’t need us to help bring them together.

4. Men Don’t Need an Activity or Sport. Some experts have said that men do friendship shoulder-to-shoulder (activity or task-focused), while women do friendship face-to-face (conversation-focused). Again, I think that is more temperament-based than genderbased; but second, even if that’s true of more men, in general, I think it should be seen as descriptive rather than prescriptive. In other words, if that’s true then it’s because we’re describing what we are seeing now, not saying that’s how it has to be or how they prefer it. I’ve had as many women tell me that they don’t like sitting and talking (Come on! Let’s go shopping!

Dancing! Hiking! Let’s do something!) as I’ve had men say to me “I only watch football so I can hang out with my friends.” This weekend– these men sat through 7 hours of sharing and when given free time, kept on

sharing more. No other activity required.

My husband, Greg, and Paul have been friends for nearly 24 years, most of that time their glue has been a 2-3 hour conversation that they have once a week. Every week. They call and share life together.

Their experience is a bit like what every single man said at the end of the weekend: “I need more of this in my life.” Indeed. It’s rare and sacred to spend a weekend sharing and being received.

Is it awkward sometimes? Indeed! Women find sharing awkward, too, so I can only imagine how it feels to be a guy who may not have as much practice (and cultural permission) in sharing. But does that make it less needed or desired? Not at all. The need is as high as ever.

Oh how I wish our culture would shine a light on men’s friendships in such a way that encouraged and applauded men for initiating time together, for sharing deeply and honestly, and for showing up to really be seen.

Deep and meaningful friendships is DEFINITELY not a girl thing.

We’ve made sure to find you the best of what’s around. We have sustainable meat and seafood, organic produce, local favorites, gourmet grab-and-go, artisanal cheeses and much more.

Come in, grab some goodness and head on out to the great outdoors.

3550 Bernal Ave., Pleasanton (925) 621-7660 www.newleaf.com

JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

YOUR LOCAL GUIDE to Farmers Markets!

ALAMEDA COUNTY:

CONTRA COSTA COUNTY:

Downtown Berkeley Center St. @ M.LKing Jr. Way Saturdays: 10:00am – 3:00pm

Antioch Kaiser Antioch 4501 Sand Creek Rd Thursdays: 10:00am – 2:00pm

www.ecologycenter.org/fm

www.pcfma.com

North Berkeley Shattuck Ave @ Rose St. Thursdays: 3:00pm – 7:00pm www.ecologycenter.org/fm

Brentwood First St. and Oak St. 8:00am – 12:00pm www.everythingbrentwood.com

South Berkeley Adeline St and 63rd St. Tuesdays: 2:00pm – 6:30pm www.ecologycenter.org/fm

Clayton Downtown Clayton Saturdays: 8:00am – 12:00pm www.ci.clayton.ca.us

Dublin Emerald Glen Park Thursdays: 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.dublin.ca.gov

Fremont Bay St. and Trimboly Way Sundays: 9:00am – 2:00pm www.pcfma.com

Kaiser Fremont 39400 Paseo Padre Thursdays: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.pcfma.com

Livermore Carnegie Park at 3rd & J St. Thursdays: 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com

Oakland Jack London Square Water St. between Franklin & Broadway Sundays: 9:00am – 2:00pm www.pcfma.com

& Ordway Plaza at 21st St. Wednesdays: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.pcfma.com Pleasanton Main & W. Angela St. Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.pcfma.com

Concord Todos Santos Plaza Tuesdays: 10:00am – 2:00pm Thursdays: 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.concord.ca.us

Danville Railroad Ave and Prospect Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.co.contra-costa.ca.us

El Ceritto El Cerrito Plaza Tuesdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.co.contra-costa.ca.us

Kensington Oakview Ave between Colusa Circle and Santa Fe Ave Sundays: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.kensingtonfarmersmarket.org

Lafayette Lafayette BART Sundays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.urbanvillageonline.com/markets/lafayette

Martinez Court St. near Main Thursdays: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.cityofmartinez.org

& Main St. between Alhambra Ave and Castro St. Sunday: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.cityofmartinez.org

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Contra Costa Reginal Medical Center Tuesdays: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.cccfm.org

Moraga Moraga Rd. and Moraga Way Sundays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.localharvest.org

Orinda Orinda Way in Orinda Village Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.cccfm.org

Pittsburg Old Town Plaza Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.oldtownpittsburgca.com

Pleasant Hill Gregory Ln & Trelany Rd Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

San Ramon Bishop Ranch #3 2641Camino Ramon Thursdays: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.sanramonfarmersmarket. wordpress.com

& Bishop Ranch #2 2680 Bishop Dr. Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.sanramonfarmersmarket. wordpress.com

& 5261 Sherwood Way Wednesdays: 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.sanramonfarmersmarket. wordpress.com

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Visit us on the web at www.fms.org JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ PARENTING ]

Craig Tomashoff is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles.

He was most recently Executive Editor of TV Guide Magazine, and has also worked as Associate Bureau Chief for People Magazine. In addition, he has written for publications including the Los Angeles Times, the New York Times, Emmy Magazine and Family Circle. He has also worked as a television writer/ producer for such series as The Martin Short Show, The Late Show With Craig Kilborn and VH1’s Behind the Music.

His blogs can be found online at playgoesstrong.com and thirdage.com.

10 Things I Want My Son to Know (Even If He Isn’t Listening Right Now)

by Craig Tomashoff When the final results are in for the Dad Of the Year contest, I’m expecting my fatherly flaws won’t land me near the top of the heap. I’m divorced, which is never a good sign. When it came time to talk to my son about the birds and the bees, I did it during an Xbox game of Madden. I’ve been known to tell him he needs to exercise more, and then take him out for cheeseburgers.

And there’s this... At age 33, I discovered that the guy I grew up thinking of as my dad was actually my stepdad. It turns out my real dad died before I was born, my mom remarried when I was still very young and nobody ever bothered to explain this series of events to me. I’d always sensed a pretty severe disconnect between my stepdad and me, and this news helped explain that. It also meant I was sorely lacking in fatherly role models as I grew up.

Which brings me to my 17-year-old son, who is just three months shy of heading across the country to attend college and start his own life. I’m thrilled for him, but at the same time, completely paralyzed by the fear of letting my child loose in a dangerous world. I want to prepare him for what’s ahead, to offer advice that I’ve gathered over the years in order to pass it along to him. It’s what good dads do, right?

Still, the irony is that while he’s at a point in life where he could really use fatherly advice, he’s also at an age where he’s convinced his dad knows nothing. That’s why I wanted to share my advice for him online. First, given all teens’ relationships with their phones, he’s more likely to read something online than listen to me. And second, there’s a permanence to the web that will keep this available to him

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ PARENTING ] years from now... when he’ll actually pay attention to it.

realize that wardrobe advice can get dated very quickly (I grew up in a world of Earth shoes and bell bottoms,

1. Life is a movie, not a photo exhibit. As in, life is always moving. It’s easy to get stuck dwelling on the bad stuff -- a break-up, a low grade, the Red Sox getting crushed -- but those are just film frames in your life. Realize that things continue to move on and you’ve got a long way till the closing credits (not to mention, if there’s anything to this whole reincarnation thing, at least a couple of sequels).

so trust me). However, one thing will never change. A wardrobe of sports jerseys and gym shorts stops being cool by the time you’re old enough to ask a girl to the prom. If you want people to take you seriously, don’t look like you just showed up to clean their pool.

7. Here’s a tip: Tip. Never be cheap. The world enjoys a generous person, and there’s no better way to start

2. Don’t turn off the light and complain that it’s dark. The only way to get the most out of life is to take responsibility for everything you do, whether the outcome is good or bad. Complaining is the easy way out. If you pitch poorly, work harder to get better instead of blaming a coach. If you get a D on a test, spend an extra hour studying instead of playing video games. If your friends all have girlfriends and you don’t, keep asking people out until someone says yes rather than quitting after one rejection.

practicing that than by being a 20 percent-er with every

3. The best pitch you’ll ever throw is your next one. I realize I’ve used this line with you before every baseball game you’ve pitched in. However, it’s more than just a way of getting you to keep always trying hard on the mound. It’s also a life skill -- if you believe that the next thing you do will be the best ever, you can enjoy the moment you’re in, because the one to follow has even more potential for greatness.

our world. Without it, Fox News wouldn’t exist. Still, feelings

4. Different is the new normal. Celebrate the differences in life, because that’s what makes it fun. Too much of the same thing is like watching an episode of your favorite show for the fifth time instead of looking for a new show.

Ethnicity. Religion. Sexuality. Every person you get to know with a life different from yours means your world just becomes that much bigger.

5. Finding friends is like falling off a boat. Let’s say for the sake of argument that you fell off a boat and into the ocean. You’d learn quickly there are three types of friends in this world. The first type jumps right in the water to save you. The second type would look for a life preserver to throw to you. And the third... they’ll try to sign you up for swimming lessons. Make sure you devote your time to the type that cares.

waiter and service person you encounter. It shows that generosity is more important than actual money, since you’re so willing to share with people who helped you.

And it demonstrates to whomever you’re out with that if they’d just hang out with you more, the same generosity is heading their way.

8. There’s nothing wrong with cat videos. Never be afraid to be sentimental. Cynicism certainly has its moments in and emotions are no different from those new shoes you bought -- they aren’t as cool if you don’t share them with the world. Plus, seriously, what’s more relaxing than watching two cats give each other a paw massage?

9. Send thank-you notes. Everyone has his or her own secret to a fulfilling life, from doing charity work to having Hot Pockets for breakfast. Mine is simply this: Gratitude. When someone does anything remotely nice for you, make sure you let them know. You can thank people because you selfishly want them to do more for you. You can thank them because you’re flattered by the unsolicited expression of kindness. All that counts is that you took time to acknowledge someone else’s selflessness.

10. You are not “you.” This sounds like something meant to prepare you for your first Psych class in college, but it’s far simpler than that. You are somebody’s son. You are somebody’s brother. You are somebody’s friend. You are somebody’s expert on Boston sports trivia. In short, you are the sum of all our parts. And there’s never a moment when you won’t be surrounded by people who care

6. Wear pants with belt loops and shirts with buttons. I

about you, even if you don’t always see them.

JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ PARENTING ]

Kelsey Ramsden is a West coast gal and East coast business powerhouse. Profit Magazine named her Canada’s Top Female Entrepreneur 2 years in a row (2012 & 2013).Kelsey is featured in best selling books and magazines from Forbes to Canadian Business as well as via various media outlets, she is sought after for comment due to her unique and candid perspective on current events in business, leadership, lifestyle and entrepreneurship. A Richard Branson Centre Entrepreneur, she believes that sharing insights from the trenches is paramount to success.

Kelsey shares her expertise regularly on twitter and via her Barefoot Boardroom Newsletter www.kelseyramsden.com/ subscribe/

7 Ways to Survive Summer With Kids

by Kelsey Ramsden It is with great anticipation that both kids and parents look forward to Summer.

Kids anticipate ten weeks of freedom, fun and memory-making while us parents anticipate ten weeks of juggling schedules and keeping the kids busy and out of our hair, all while still trying to get them to bed on schedule while the sun tells them the party is still on much past their bedtime.

Here are seven ways to keep your sanity while making this summer one to remember: Create a Kids Calendar The key to any successful block of time is having a schedule for it. The difference between our work schedules, tidily maintained in Outlook or Gmail, and the schedule of our kids is that our kids schedule is usually kept in the mind of Mom or Dad -- change this.

Get three pieces of big poster board and create a homemade calendar for the next 10 weeks with a ruler and a felt pen on the first two pages. Allow the blocks to be big enough so that your 6-year-old can draw in activities if he/she can not write them in yet. Let them work with you as you put things onto each day. On the

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ PARENTING ] third page, make a list of activities which are optional

Follow With New School

and can be fit in if you hear, “I’m bored.” Then you can

Give them some control -- ask what they would like to

refer them to the list!

do. Plan a movie night or games night and let the kids

Book Em’ - Fully As counterintuitive as it is to fully book a summer schedule, do it -- with one caveat: also book in down time. Call it chill time, or hangin’ out, but book it in, too.

When the kids see every day of the calendar has something planned, they will begin to feel comfortable

pick the movie or video games you see or play. Let them laugh at your skills or at jokes in a kids movie.

Engage Remember what summer was like for you when you were a kid. Sure, you wanted to hang with your parents, but

with the fact that things are happening this summer.

above all else, I am willing to bet that the memories you

When Mom and Dad see long blocks of hanging out, you

have are from the time you tried something new, bent a

can re-visit the schedule and come up with some things

rule, had big laughs, stayed up late, slept under the stars.

to do.

Most of these things do not require a lot of planning, money or time... they require you as the parent to allow

Every Week a Theme

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Decide on a theme for each week of the summer. Then,

freedom of summer.

base at least one meal and one activity or craft around that theme. This helps to fill in time slots in the schedule and makes summer fun easier for kids who will get into the themes even outside of the subscribed calendar activity and meal.

Let your kids be kids.

Sometimes, this means standing back and letting them make a few memories.

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[ EVENTS ]

June Alameda County JUNE 1 Trinity Church Art Exhibit Civic Center Library Lobby Livermore Various times www.cityoflivermore.net

JUNE 2 “The Wonder Years: Being a Teen in Dublin During the 1960s and 1970s” Murray Schoolhouse Dublin 1:00pm – 4:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

JUNE 2 & 4 Disney’s Jungle Book Firehouse Arts Center Pleasanton 7:00pm www.firehousearts.org

JUNE 3 First Wednesday Street Parties Downtown Pleasanton Pleasanton 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

JUNE 4 “First Thursday” at the Dublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park Berkeley 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us We’re Talkin’ Books! Club Livermore Public Library Livermore 7:00pm – 9:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

A Classic Film Series Pleasanton Library Pleasanton 6:30pm – 8:30pm www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

Pizza Jump!

Pump it Up of Pleasanton Pleasanton 11:30 – 1:00pm www.pumpitupparty.com/pleasanton-ca

JUNE 4

JUNE 11 “Dublin Cooks Night” at the Dublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park Dublin 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

Preschool Performance Series- Unique Derique Village Theatre and Art Gallery Danville 10:00am – 11:00am www.villagetheatreshows.com

Livermore Rodeo – Family Night!

Livermore Rodeo Livermore 4:30pm – 7:30pm www.livermorerodeo.org

JUNE 5, 12, 19, &26

JUNE 11 & 25

Fremont Street Eats Downtown Fremont Fremont 4:30pm– 9:00pm www.fremont.gov

JUNE 7 Dancing Harp Strings Firehouse Arts Center Pleasanton 2:00pm www.firehousearts.org

JUNE 8 Kid Power Orientation Dublin Library Dublin 4:00pm – 5:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us Mother Goose Story time Danville Library Danville 10:15am – 10:30am www.ccclib.org

JUNE 9 Family Night @ SP Springtown Branch Library Livermore 6:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

JUNE 10 M.O.M.’s Reading Time Museum on Main Street Pleasanton 10:00am – 11:00am www.museumonmain.org

Waterfront Flicks at Jack London Square Jack London Ferry Law Oakland 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

JUNE 13 Adobe Takes Action (Creek Clean Up) Marilyn Murphy Kane Trail Pleasanton 10:00am – 1:00pm www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

JUNE 14 Alice In Wonderland Livermore Valley Performing Arts Center Livermore 2:00pm – 4:00pm www.livermoreperformingarts.org

JUNE 15 Read to Rhythm 2015 Summer Reading Game Dublin Library Dublin 10:00am – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

JUNE 17 Alameda County Fair Alameda County Fairgrounds Pleasanton 11:00am – 11:00pm www.alamedacountyfair.com

[ EVENTS ]

June JUNE 19

JUNE 27

JUNE 15

Drop in & Drop Off PartiPalooza Livermore 6:00pm – 8:00pm www.partipalooza.com

Great American Backyard Campout Joaquin Miller Park Oakland 10:00am www2.oaklandnet.com

Summer Camp Modern Recess San Ramon 9:00am – 12:00pm www.modernrecess.com

Contra Costa County

Summer Movie Matinees San Ramon Library San Ramon 3:00pm – 4:30am www.ccclib.org

Jack’s Night Market Jack London Square Oakland 6:00pm – 10:00pm www.jacklondonsquare.com

JUNE 20 ‘BABY LOVE’: The songs of Diana Ross & The Supremes Fire House Art Center Pleasanton 8:00pm www.firehousearts.org

JUNE 20 & 21 Father’s Day Camp Out Hayward Shoreline Hayward 3:00pm – 11:00am www.haywardrec.org

JUNE 26 Picnic Flix: “Dolphin Tale 2” Emerald Glen Park Dublin 8:30pm– 11:30pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us Drop-In Craft Time @RN Rincon Branch Library Livermore 11:00am – 3:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net Children’s Play Day on the Plaza Frank H. Ogawa Plaza Oakland 11:00am – 2:00pm www2.oaklandnet.com

JUNE 4 First Thursday Shop Local Day and Night Downtown Hartz Avenue Danville 10:00am – 7:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

JUNE 6 Saturday Concerts in The Grove Main Street Clayton 6:00pm www.ci.clayton.ca.us Open Pool Martinez Recreation Martinez 12:00pm – 5:00pm www.cityofmartinez.org Walk With a Naturalist Windemere Parkway San Ramon 9:00am www.sanramon.ca.gov

JUNE 17

JUNE 20 & 21 Danville Summer Fest Downtown Danville Danville 10:00am – 5:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

JUNE 20 Night at the Improv Front Row Theater San Ramon 8:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

JUNE 29 Junior Lifegaurd Camps Martinez Recreation Martinez 9:00am – 1:00pm www.cityofmartinez.org

JUNE 12 & 26 Moonlight Movies Danville Town Green Danville 6:30pm – 10:30pm www.danville.ca.gov

JUNE 13 Danville Farmers’ Market Downtown Danville Danville 9:00am – 1:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

[[ EVENTS PARENTING ] ] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek, People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail.

She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited

by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba

Nine Simple Mommy Secrets for Boosting Sibling Harmony

by Dr. Michele Borba I’ll never forget the time one of my kids accused me of one of the truly Deadly Mommy Sins: “Loving the Other Brother More.” To make things even worse, my girlfriend was the one to convey my youngest child’s feelings to me. “Did you know that your youngest, precious child thinks you love your second offspring more?” I can remember not only her words, but where she relayed them to me. They caused such angst. Oh the guilt, the shame, the humiliation! There are few crimes your child can accuse you of that make a mother feel more hurt and disgraced. And how could my son possibly feel I loved his brother more? I wracked my brain trying to figure that one. I’d always tried so hard to make things fair amongst my sons. After all, I went out of my way to make sure I showed up–and on time, at that–at the precise same number of their soccer games. I tallied the exact hours I volunteered in each of my children’s classrooms to ensure I gave equal time. I even checked my Daytimer to make certain each child had the same number of play dates. And now I’m accused of being an unfair mother! I was devastated.

A few sleepless nights I finally had my “Ah Ha Mommy Moment.” I realized that though I can try to make things appear even and equal for my kids, the fact is, it’s just plain impossible. Besides, even trying to treat kids equally is plain unrealistic: my three kids are as different as night and day just as I’m sure yours are as well. Our kids come packaged with different temperaments, interests, and needs. So we can’t drive ourselves too crazy trying to make things always fair. It just isn’t realistic. Besides, real life isn’t fair. It was my Reality Check and became an important Mommy Secret to remind myself. The truth is, as much as we try to make our kids feel equally loved, they are bound to accuse us of showing “favoritism.” It’s up to we moms to keep things in perspective.

The real secret here is to try and minimize conditions that break down sibling relationships that can cause long-lasting resentment. Here’s the bottom line: While some rivalry is plain unavoidable, mothers can discourage sibling

30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ PARENTING ] disharmony by giving careful attention to how their household atmosphere is structured. Here are nine simple Mommy Secrets to guide you in minimizing jealousy and boosting harmony amongst your kids:

Shorty, Clumsy, or Klutz can cause unfair family ribbings and fuel sibling resentment. “Don’t worry, he’s just the family klutz”-as well as become daily reminders of incompetence. These kinds of labels often stick and become difficult to erase, not only within but also

1. Give yourself a reality check. Before you go beating yourself up, take a moment to seriously reflect on how you do treat your kids. A good question to ponder is: “If someone asked your child if you treat your kids fairly, how would he or she respond?” For instance: Does each kid feel like your favorite? Do you avoid comparing your kids in front of others? Do you provide opportunities for each child to nurture her special talents? Is there one thing you might do to change your behavior or interactions with your children to minimize their feelings of jealousy or rivalry?

2. Get in your child’s shoes. Pretend you really are in the shoes of the child who feels jealous. How would you feel if you were your kid? How would you act? Is his take on things right? If so, what will you do to change your relationship with this child so he feels just as special in your eyes? Write down your thoughts then commit to making that change happen.

3. Refrain from comparing behaviors. Never compare or praise one kid’s behavior in contrast to a sibling: it can create long-lasting strains. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “Why aren’t you organized like your brother?” All too easily, kids can interpret such comparisons as: “You think he’s better than me” or “You love him more.” It unfairly puts pressure on the sibling you praised and devalues your other child.

4. Listen openly to all sides. Listening fairly your kids is not only a powerful way to convey that you respect each child’s thoughts and want to hear all sides: “Thanks for sharing. Now I want to hear your brother’s side.”

The key is to build a fair relationship with each sibling so that he or she knows not only that you value each opinion and you’re an unbiased listener.

outside your family as well.

7. Nurture a unique strength for each sibling. All kids deserve to hear from parents what makes them unique. Knowledge of that talent nurtures their selfesteem as well as setting them apart from their siblings.

Ideally, you should nurture a different strength for each sibling based on natural temperament and interests.

Once you identify the talent, find opportunities to cultivate and validate it so each child can be acknowledged for their strength.

8. Find special alone time with each child. One way to let each child feel treasured is by spending alone just with each parent. Capitalize on those individual moments as they arise: “Your brother’s asleep. Let’s just you and I go read books together.” Or make a date with each sibling to have special time just with you then mark it on the calendar. How frequently you meet is based on what’s realistic for your schedule: thirty minutes weekly, ten minutes daily, an hour every other week. Arrange for another adult to watch other siblings or choose a time when they’re gone. “Together” occasions could be: a movie, a walk, lunching at a favorite restaurant, kite flying, an ice cream outing, or just time alone. Then enjoy each other without siblings around.

9. Reinforce cooperative behavior. Don’t overlook one of the simplest ways to boost sibling harmony: catch them supporting each other. The moments may be few and far between, but when they do help, share, cooperate, and work well together, tell them you appreciate their efforts. They’re more likely to repeat the behaviors because they know that’s what you want them to do.

Now that you’ve learned the nine Mommy Secrets how

5. Never compare schoolwork. Kids should compare their schoolwork, test scores, and report cards only to their own previous work—never to the work of their siblings or friends. Instead of stimulating a child to work harder, comparisons are more likely to fuel resentment.

will you use them to achieve long-term change? You might want to take a moment to write down exactly what promise you want to make to yourself and your family. For instance, which simple secret you will commit to doing within the next twenty-four hours to make a real difference in your family. Then don’t give up until you get

6. Avoid using negative labels. Family nicknames like

the change you want.

JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31

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[ PARENTING ]

GROWING TALL: Raising a Skilled Conversationalist

by Robin Stephens

Are you ever curious about how your child engages in conversations with adults when you are not around?

Watching your child engage in conversation with a new adult acquaintance can be a ringside seat to varying degrees of parental embarrassment. How many of us have seen our gregarious, intelligent, well-mannered child take cover behind our skirt or pant leg with the prospect of being introduced to a new adult? We watch with a measure of horror as our bright verbose adolescent turns into a downcastgazed mumbler when meeting a business acquaintance.

Yet, there are those children who seem to have mastered the art of conversation.

They are polite, engaging, and good listeners. They also seem to have an innate ability to communicate. If that doesn’t seem to be your child or you (many adults even have moments of trepidation in high-pressure business and social situations), there is no need to fear. Being a good conversationalist is more skill than art.

Dedicated practice goes a long way in equipping your child with the right tools to hold their own in conversations. It also does a lot to improve family life.

Robin Stephens of The Growing Room Academy holds a bachelor’s degree in Human Development and Family Studies with a focus on early childhood/ adolescent development, family systems, and socio-cultural perspectives of the family. As a Certified Simplicity Parenting Coach©, Robin provides personal family coaching and facilitates parenting workshops for schools and parent organizations.

She also is involved in youth advocacy organizations providing support for LGBTQ youth and their families.

Evaluate Your Family Interpersonal Communication Style Is making a comment at your family dinner table analogous to the battle for the last piece of warm garlic bread? Does an urgency to speak preempt otherwise civil behavior? If so, it may be time to examine the lessons your children are learning about conversation in your home. Many skills in your family are more “caught than taught”. Taking inventory of the ways we communicate in our homes is certain to reveal areas where we can begin to cultivate conversational skills in our children.

Talk to Your Children Opposed to talking “over” or “at” your children, talk to them. Modeling good conversational skills is the most important thing parents can do with and for their children. This does require the same level of niceties reserved for the adult-like public-at-large.

Practice Active Listening Be aware of the temptation to ignore your child during conversations in order to respond to other adults. Carrying on conversations (literally) over the heads of children vying for attention will result in them disengaging from the dialog. This can establish a pattern where your child is conditioned to turn off or tune out when adults are present. It is little wonder that Aunt Carol’s long-awaited reunion after 6 years is greeted with apparent apathy by your eight year-old. Keep your children dialed in to family conversations. This automatically occurs when you are “present” when they speak. Knowing that you value what they have to say provides the emotional currency that leads to confidence in conversing with people outside the family. When they are with you, make communication with them a priority.

44 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ PARENTING ] Beware of Interrupting The above scenario also reinforces the fact that a child must forcefully interrupt his parents to get their attention.

This is a family legacy that is carried outside the home with peers. Conversely, parents who interrupt their children are bound to strengthen this behavior in their child.

Reinforce the Importance of Dialog Versus Monologue As parents it is easy to talk “at” our children. Our intentions may be good, but our five-minute diatribe about the frustration du jour may not aid in our quest to teach our kids great conversational skills. Communication is a two-way street. Helping children recognize the healthy give-and-take rhythm of conversation will aid in making them skilled conversationalists.

Asking the right kinds of questions is an important part of the conversational skill arsenal for children and for parents. Truly communicating with our children takes more than questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no response; the same is true in casual conversation. Questions beginning with: what, how, why, or when are the most likely catalysts for conversation starters. As parents, when we model this kind of questioning for our children, not only are we getting to know and understand them better, we are also aiding them in understanding how to navigate social encounters outside the home.

Teach the Importance of Body Language Teaching the importance of body language can be a fun exercise with your kids. Spending time exploring different scenarios allows children to experience what good and bad body language looks like. More importantly, they will experience how it feels. This is an especially good exercise for middle school-aged kids and older. The importance of eye contact, facial expression, gestures, and body position not only teaches them about how they need to behave in order to make a favorable expression, it also supports them in learning to read the physical cues in others. This ability seems to be lacking in many youth as they turn more and more to social media versus live bodies in their communication interactions. Body language awareness also helps them “clue-in” to others. As they become more attentive to the physical environment, they will also experience empathy, helping them tune in to the moods of others.

This can aid them as they seek to determine interests or common ground with new acquaintances.

Prep for Success – Practice, Practice, Practice Take opportunities at the dinner table, in the car, or at

bedtime to practice for real-life scenarios. Practice can definitely take some of the uncertainty out of the situation for an anxious child. One great way to build confidence is to prep for a certain event. If your child has a piano recital next week, use that opportunity to explore appropriate responses and conversation starters. Coaching your child to ask good questions, to be a good listener, and to be aware of how they present themselves to others will have a profound impact on their experience.

Once you notice the initial nail-biting encounters begin to lessen, it’s time to move on to intermediate conversational skills. At that point, it is a refresher course for the entire family: Don’t contradict, especially if it is not important.

Avoid unnecessary details.

Don’t exaggerate.

Don’t always be the hero of your story.

Speak about a subject of mutual interest.

And, cultivate tact.

Helping our kids become good conversationalists goes hand-in-hand with a home environment that encourages and demons.

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[ PARENTING ]

Gary Drevitch is a writer who contributes frequently to parenting and family magazines and websites.

He is also the Senior Editor and Social Media Director of Psychology Today and PsychologyToday.com.

He lives in New York City with his wife and three children.

Fatherhood: The Guy’s Guide

by Gary Drevitch Prepping for fatherhood is more than reading Dr. Spock, childproofing the electrical outlets, and buying a tiny baseball glove. That’s the easy stuff; the important lessons are those that most first-time dads learn along the way. But you’re in luck: We got fathers and parenting experts from around the country to let us in on some of their secrets so you’ll be ready for fatherhood right from the start. Here’s what they said you need to know.

Trust Yourself you matter You will be more important to this baby than you will be to anyone else in the world. That idea can be intimidating -- and scary. For me, it hit home one day while my then-pregnant wife and I were crossing the street. She pointed out that my jaywalking habits would have to change when the baby arrived. Well of course, I said. When I had the stroller, I’d cross with the lights. But she meant I couldn’t jaywalk when I was alone either; the baby would depend on my staying alive. Oh. The point is, your baby needs you, and the quicker you get down to the business of raising her, the better. “It’s on-the-job training -- not just for you but for the mother too,” says Glenview, IL, psychologist Robert Frank, Ph.D., author of Parenting Partners. “Fathers are always afraid that they won’t know what to do in that early time. But just jump in there, like you were pulling up a carpet or

48 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

[ PARENTING ] ripping down a wall. Jump in there and learn. The more you do it, the better you’ll be at it.” you have instincts Repeat after me: I am not clueless. I can do this. “Guys always think that Mom’s going to have the corner on instincts,” says Chuck Ault, a national trainer with Boot Camp for New Dads based in Irvine, CA. “But every guy becomes the expert on his baby.” You will find your baby’s most ticklish spots. You’ll figure out how to get him to take a bottle. And, believe it or not, you’ll even uncover secrets to soothing him that your wife will miss.

But it’s not love at first sight for every dad -- or mom.

“The night he was born it hit me: Do I want this? Is this a mistake?” says Mike Hintze, a first-time father from Seattle. “You’re afraid to express those feelings, even if they’re fleeting. But it’s normal. I don’t think I’m a weirdo for having had those thoughts. And now it just blows me away how awesome it is, and how happy I am to get up in the middle of the night and hold him.” In fact, now that his son, Nicholas, has started sleeping through the night, Hintze says, “Some days I’m actually disappointed.

I almost looked forward to that time that was just for us.” you can work hard and still be a great dad

“My son had a lot of stomach pains when he was about 8 months old,” Frank says, “and I would throw him over my shoulder so his stomach was right on my shoulder, with his head bobbing off my back. It looked dangerous, and my wife never would have done it -- but it made him feel better.”

Your job is more important than ever now because it’s helping to support a new and shockingly expensive dependent. But you have some decisions to make: Can you keep working until 8 P.M. every night? Can you really leave a giggling baby behind to drag yourself to work on the weekends, even if you need the overtime pay?

Parenting draws out your animal instincts as well. Just like the beasts of the jungle, you’re hardwired to protect your child from harm. “I had to take my 3-month-old daughter to get some vaccinations,” Ault says, “and in that twominute period when I was all alone with her, knowing what was coming, my protective instinct kicked in. I really connected with her in a way I hadn’t prior to that. You never know when it’s going to happen.”

“During the week, I feel guilty,” says Lane Buschhorn of Austin, TX, father of 20-month-old Kaylen. “She’s only awake for 35 or 40 minutes in the morning before I leave.

I walk in the door at 6 p.m. and feed her. Then she goes to bed by 7, and she likes her 12 hours of sleep. I really don’t see her much during the week -- and there’s only 17 years left, then we shove her out the door. Now I understand why my mom was so upset when I went off to college.”

Having said that, parenting is a partnership, and while you may be the king of roughhousing and peekaboo, your wife could be the queen of ointment rubbing or baby massaging. Don’t be shy about asking her for guidance when it comes to something you haven’t done before. “If the baby has a diaper rash, maybe she knows how to deal better,” Frank says. “Do what she tells you to do if you feel really lost.” After you do something once, you’ll be able to do it even better the next time.

You Can Do It you really are an old softie Many guys wonder if they have the emotional makeup to be a good dad, and they want to know how to tap into their softer side. It’s a simple three-step program: Look at your baby. Feel what you feel. Show it to your child.

“Maybe I was a big softie going in, but I had never loved anything so much as that little baby when I first held him,” says Stewart Pharis, a father of two from Cleveland Heights, OH.

“Work is one way we contribute to our families, but we don’t want it to be our entire contribution,” Ault says -especially when kids are very young. “The only thing they want from you is face time. To give that, you can’t be at work all the time.”

There are some steps you can take toward making more time for your baby. Start by finding out your company’s paid or unpaid paternal leave policies. If your company offers paid leave, don’t be afraid to take it, says James Levine, director of the Fatherhood Project at the Families and Work Institute, in New York City, and author of Working Fathers. It’s important to your family, and, in the long run, it’s not likely to jeopardize your career. “I’ve been looking at this issue almost 30 years,” Levine says.

“There is no evidence to suggest that guys who take leave today will be less likely to advance in their job.”

You also may not realize that you don’t have to take your leave all at once, or even start it the day your baby is born. Levine suggests mapping out a schedule with your JUNE 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 49

[ PARENTING ] supervisor months before the baby’s due date. If you have two weeks of leave (or even just saved-up vacation time) coming, maybe you can take it as ten Fridays off, giving your wife a little bit of extra relief, and keeping you from missing a single large block of time at work. Or, if your wife is returning to work after her own leave, start yours after hers.

Hintze took a month of leave that started at the tail end of his wife’s. “Now I wish I had taken even more time,” he says. “As a father, being the prime caretaker even for just a brief period of time was an extremely important experience.”

And now, more than ever, staying at home full-time is a viable option for a father. Pharis was working as an attorney five years ago when his first son was born. After a few months, he says, “We realized we were not happy with both of us working.” He and his wife decided he was the better choice to stay at home. “I probably have the longer fuse of the two of us,” he says. “I’m glad we’re living in a time when you can do whatever works for you as a couple.”

Of course, some families don’t have the luxury of leaving one parent at home. And while most workers at companies with at least 50 employees are entitled to 12 weeks of unpaid leave under the federal Family and Medical Leave Act, many can’t afford the lost pay. One suggestion Ault offers: If your child’s happiest, most active time is early in the morning, when you’re supposed to leave for work, find out if you can start coming in and leaving a little later or if you can switch your regular shift altogether. “A little time can go a long way,” Ault says. “You don’t have to give up everything to get some balance.”

Your Life is Not Over you will sleep with your wife again The physical ups and downs of your wife’s pregnancy should be preparing you for a near future of inconsistent intimacy. You may also have to adjust to your wife putting the baby first sometimes, and you may have to suspend some of the activities that you’d enjoyed as a couple. But your marriage can survive having a baby -- this is one of the reasons you got together in the first place. You just need to work at it in ways you didn’t before.

“In general, dads notice changes in the levels of intimacy sooner than moms,” Ault says. “I hear so many fathers 50 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2015

say, ‘She’s so tired, nothing’s happening.’” He suggests this intimacy-restoring idea: Take the baby all day on a Saturday while your wife relaxes and recharges. Then, hire a sitter and have a Saturday night date. “You’ve got a refreshed, well-rested mom up for anything.”

And yes, it’s true: Your wife may look a little, well, softer after giving birth. But if you’re like most couples, the change probably bothers her more than you. “It’s stupid to lie to your wife and tell her you haven’t noticed she’s gained weight,” says New York City-based marriage counselor Sharyn Wolf, C.S.W. “You can tell her the pounds don’t matter to you. But the important point is they do matter to her. What you should say is, ‘I love you, whether you lose the weight or not.”

Reassure your wife in very specific ways, Ault advises: “I know one father who would start at the top of his wife’s head and go all the way down to her feet, telling her everything he loved about her body. When he came to her stretch marks, he said, ‘I love those because they remind me of the beautiful child we created together.” you can have a baby -- and your old friends “We never used to understand why it was so hard to do things with our friends after they had kids,” Buschhorn says. “But after you have a kid you finally get it. You’d really just rather spend time with them. Or, Friday night, when the kid goes to bed, you’d rather spend time with your wife.”

Having a baby will change your old friendships, especially with “the guys.” You may become a less reliable poker or pickup basketball player, but you don’t have to let those relationships die. “I never think that having a baby is a death sentence for anything you want to do,” Ault says. Negotiate with your wife to restore some guy time by taking the baby off her hands on a Saturday or Sunday in exchange for a Thursday or Friday guy night.

“A lot of couples make that work,” Ault says. “But you can’t go overboard. The point is not getting back the life you had. We have to give up some things we like to embrace other things we like differently.” you can’t prepare for everything Before your baby arrives, there’s a lot you can do to get ready. But there are a few things for which you just can’t prepare: the pure joy you’ll feel when your child smiles at you, the sheer happiness that will overwhelm you when he gives you his first hug, and the tear-jerking love you’ll feel when you watch him asleep in his crib. “I find myself sitting there for 15 minutes staring at him sleeping,” Hintze

[ PARENTING ] says. “There’s nothing else that I could stare at for 15 minutes and still have a stupid grin on my face.”

4. There’s almost nothing that can’t be solved with a game of peekaboo.

Even with all the work, all the sleepless nights, the payoff is truly incredible. “We can imagine what it’s like to lose guy time and to work less,” Ault says. “But we cannot imagine how much fun we’re going to have -- and how much we’re going to love our children.”

5. Surprise! Your mother-in-law is about to come in handy.

Really.

6. You’re going to have less sex. (No, wait. They probably told you that already, didn’t they?)

One of the first nights I really felt that joy was when my 2-week-old fell asleep on my chest as we watched the original film version of Planet of the Apes. Now tell me, how can you top that?

7. Other parents will relish telling you how having a baby will take all of the fun out of your life. Ignore them. They’re having a second one, so there must be something to it.

10 Things They Don’t Tell New Dads

8. No one will take your newborn away from you if you sit him on your lap and watch Rocky III. Maybe someone should, but they won’t.

1. You’ll gain “sympathy weight” with your pregnant wife, so you can help each other with exercise and a healthy diet after the baby is born.

9. If your wife is breastfeeding, she’ll be dehydrated, so think of yourself as a waiter: Your job, every few minutes, is to come by and refill her water glass.

2. You’ll miss your favorite team’s games. The sooner you come to grips with that, the better, because you’ll find no sympathy at home.

10. You may have seen the sun rise over the Grand Canyon. You may have honeymooned at Niagara Falls.

No matter. You will never see anything more beautiful in your travels -- there may never have been anything more beautiful -- than your wife asleep in bed with your baby resting beside her.

3. Keep your chest hair covered. Your baby will mercilessly pull it out.

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Fremont Park Golf Club 39751 Stevenson Pl Fremont, CA 94539 (510) 790-1919 www.fremontparkgolf.com Fremont Park Golf Course has a challenging layout that will bring satisfaction to any type of player. This course is a great place for beginners and advance players to enjoy themselves.

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Poppy Ridge 4280 Greenville Rd Livermore, CA 94550 (925) 447-6779 www.poppyridgegolf.com

Sunol Valley Golf Club is one of the most affordable golf courses in the San Francisco Bay Area. The club features two championship courses (36 holes). The unique geography and strategic location of these courses provide a great golf getaway for residents of the Bay Area.

Golf Digest awarded Hidenbrooke with the prestigious four and a half out of five star rating. Hidenbrooke Golf Club is proud to be the only course in the surrounding Contra Costa, Maring and Yolo countries to receive the four and a half star rating. The 2010 Golf World Readers’ Choice Awards also recognized Hiddenbrooke as the No. 9 Best Public Golf Course in the Nation. Hiddenbrooke is the only course in the San Francisco Bay Area that made the Top 50 list.

The NCGA became the first regional golf association in the United States to own and operate two courses when it opened Poppy Ridge in Livermore in 1996. Three nines as distinct as the grape varietals they are named after – Merlot, Chardonnay and Zinfandel – sweep through 3,000 acres of the toasted, savannah-covered hills that roll through Wine Country.

The routing at Poppy Ridge is clever in that all three nines close with a lakeside green in front of the majestic haciendastyle clubhouse. While the nines finish similarly, each is unique, as there is nearly 300 feet of elevation change between them.

Brentwood Golf Club 100 Summerset Drive Brentwood, CA 94513 (925) 516-3400 www.thegolfclubatbrentwood.com

Boundary Oak Golf Course 3800 Valley Vista Rd Walnut Creek, CA 94598 (925) 934-4775 www.playboundaryoak.com

Brentwood Golf Club is proud to offer 27 holes of championship golf, designed by world-renowned golf course architect, Ted Robinson. The Golf Club at Brentwood’s PGA professional staff members offer both private and group golf instruction programs that fulfill the needs of all individuals, from the beginner to the more advanced player.

Located in Walnut Creek, Boundary Oak Golf Course boasts an 18-hole championship golf course, a driving range and practice area with putting and chipping greens, the perfect venue for Golf Tournaments, weddings, banquets, golf lessons, clinics and camps. The golf course offers stunning views of the Concord and San Ramon Valley area.

Cinnabar Hills Golf Club 23600 McKean Road San Jose, CA 95141 (408) 323-7814 www.cinnabarhills.com Located in the hills overlooking the Coyote Valley, in San Jose’s Silicon Valley, Cinnabar Hills Golf Club offers 27 magnificent holes, with 6 different 18-hole combinations. Cinnabar Hills is routinely ranked among the top 10 golf courses in Northern California. The practice facility, with a natural grass driving range tee, is ideal for golf lessons, instruction, clinics and camps. Besides offering stunning views from several holes, Cinnabar Hills, is not only beautiful but challenging to the experienced golfer.

Las Positas Golf Course 917 Clubhouse Drive Livermore, CA 94550 (925) 455-7820 www.laspositasgolfcourse.com Las Positas Golf Course is a Robert Muir Graves design opened in 1966. A 27 hole facility located in the Livermore Wine Country, the Signature 18 hole Course is a par 72 stretching a very walkable 6,723 yards. The beautiful white sand bunkers are only the beginning of the recent $6 million dollar renovation. The Signature 18 has 5 new holes, 12 redesigned tee boxes, potable water on all greens, new drainage, new cart paths, new landscaping and a $250,000 new ‘Beeb’s at the Turn’ located at the 10th tee box are only a few of the beautiful updates waiting for you.

Diablo Country Club 1700 Clubhouse Rd Diablo, Ca 94528 (925) 837-4221 www.diablocc.org Diablo Country Club is a welcoming and unique place nestled at the foot of Mt. Diablo. The design, like most pre-WW1 courses, showcases well-bunkered, small greens and fairways lined with majestic Oak trees, whose ages are measured in hundreds of years. The course also features stunning countryside, including the Las Trampas Range and spectacular vistas of Mt. Diablo.

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