Active Family Magazine | June 2020

JUNE 2020

DOES PAYING KIDS FOR GOOD GRADES PAY OFF? When Your Child is Worried About School Re-Opening

SUMMER FUN PRODUCT GUIDE

Volume 7 / Issue 76

[ PARENTING ] When Your Child is Worried About School Re-Opening

6 Most Of Us Are Managing Our Emotions The Wrong Way. Here’s What To Do Instead.

What Parents Can Do to Manage Coronavirus Stress in Kids

9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Kids to Find Their Hero Within

18

24

Does Paying Kids for Good Grades Pay Off?

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Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

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Dr. Laura Markham Amy McCready Signe Whitson L.S.W., C-SSWS Emma Seppälä Ph.D. Dr. Michele Borba

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Editor’s Note Three full months. It’s hard to believe we have been sheltering in place for so long. As the weather heats up, it will become increasingly difficult to keep the kids hunkered down. They miss their friends, they miss their sports and activities and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to tell them “no”. No you cannot go to a birthday party, no you cannot attend a playdate, no you cannot have a sleepover.

It is tough to know what the the “right” thing to do is while we, as parents, continue to struggle with the pandemic ourselves and what it means to our family.

As we move forward, we continue to come up with ways in which we can help keep families engaged and entertained during the SIP. Fully recognizing the challenges and limitations, we have compiled some summer fun products on page 14 which the family can enjoy together. As we step into another phase, some summer camps are opening up to smaller groups with rigid regulations in order keep your child safe. Be sure to check out our Summer Camp Guide on page 30. While we can’t be sure which camps will be operating, we encourage you to give them a call to learn about their programs and what they are currently able to offer.

Be sure to check out our Instagram at @activefamilymagazine and our Facebook page @activefamilymag!

Whatever the next month might bring, we are wishing you and your family a healthy June!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

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[ PARENTING ]

When Your Child is Worried About School Re-Opening

by Dr. Laura Markham Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

"Dr. Laura...... School is reopening here and my daughter (age five) says she's feeling nervous about it. Any pointers on what I can to help her prep emotionally?"

Many countries outside the US are re-opening schools. If you live in a place where children are returning to classes after the pandemic "shelter-in-place", your child is probably both excited and nervous about going back to school.

And you might have some of those same feelings, just as we parents often share our child's first-day jitters when the school year begins. Here's your game plan to settle those worries and help your child start school again with confidence. First.....

[ PARENTING ] Calm Yourself.

She might respond by describing a specific fear:

If you're worried about your child returning to school,

• "I'm scared that there will still be germs at the school."

your child will pick up on your anxiety. Fear is infectious.

• "I'm scared that I'll feel left out because the other kids

So start by noticing your own feelings about your child's return to school.

have been online with each other."

• "I'm scared that I won't understand the math because I wasn't doing the homework."

Are you confident that it will go well? Great! Now you can support your child.

• "I'm scared that I will miss you a lot because I really liked being home with you."

• "I'm scared that you'll be too busy for me now because

Are you a bit worried? Notice how that feels in your body.

you're going back to work."

It's just fear. It's normal to feel some fear in life -- that's part of being human.

Acknowledge the fear: Your answer will depend on what she says, of course.

But once you accept that, then give yourself an antidote.

But your goal is not to talk your child out of the fear or

Notice the thoughts that are creating your discomfort.

worry, which will just make her feel she's all alone with it.

For instance, maybe you're worried that your child will

Instead, offer understanding.

balk on the first day.

"You're scared about that, huh? That is a scary thought.

Acknowledge that fear and then reassure yourself

Tell me more."

that whatever happens, you can handle it. (Fear is just thinking that you won't be able to handle something. But

Then, Reassure:

you've got this!)

• "I have loved being home with you, and I will never be too busy for you."

Start thinking about a plan for the first day that will help your child. Give yourself more inner resource to draw on

• "The school has very carefully sanitized every inch of the building and the playground."

by focusing on all the times that you knew just what to do to help your child relax and feel good. What you focus

Empower:

on is what you experience, so this will help shift you from

"Hmm... I wonder what you could do if that happens? It's

anxiety to well-being and confidence. That's what you

okay to feel that way -- lots of kids do. It might feel scary,

want your child to pick up from you.

but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I think you could handle it, if we think about it in advance and you feel

Then, start the discussion...

prepared. You're pretty resourceful! What could you do to help yourself?"

Ask your child to tell you three feelings she has about returning to school.

Help problem-solve: "I wonder what you could do to connect with one of the

Then, ask why she feels each thing.

kids you like, before you are back at school next week?

Now that the lockdown is lifted, maybe we can have a

For instance, if she says "Excited, scared, worried" you

playdate with your friend this weekend."

might respond "I hear you. Excited, and scared, and worried. Tell me about excited."

And, after you've listened as much as you can...

She might say: "I'm excited to see everyone again!"

Invite laughter.

Laughter decreases the stress hormones circulating in

You: "That will be so exciting, right? After all this time?

the body, actually decreasing feelings of anxiety. So play

And what about scared? Tell me about feeling scared."

games that get your child giggling to help her feel less JUNE 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7

[ PARENTING ] anxious.

funny.) Then hide behind the couch, or the door, for just a moment before YOU yell "Peanut Butter" and run out,

• Play bucking bronco with her on your back, so she

and hug her. Say "I missed you too much to leave! Ok, I

shrieks with laughter as you lurch around the room

will be brave! Let me try that again." and go hide again.

trying to toss her off.

Again, come back out before she yells for you, which

• Play airplane and zoom her wildly around the house.

should get her giggling, especially if you play act being

• Put your palms against each other and let her push

silly and excessively worried. Keep playing this, with you

you across the room, giving just enough resistance to

trying to yell fi rst -- and not really leaving -- as long as she

make it fun.

is giggling. Again, this game helps your child to face her anxiety about being separated from you, but in a safe

Go for any kind of play other than tickling that gets your

way. And since you are the one expressing fear, she can

child giggling, with as much warmth as possible. (Tickling

reassure you, which helps her feel reassured as well.

doesn't seem to release stress hormones, and often makes kids more fearful because they aren't in control of

I'm sure you can come up with more rough-housing

it.)

games that get your child giggling. Just notice what makes your child laugh and do more of it, no matter how

Separation games are also useful, if part of your child's

silly it is. The more giggling the better, when there's been

anxiety about school starting is about separating from

so much fear and anxiety during this pandemic!

you. One game is "Please Don't Leave Me." When you have been reading to her and she starts to get off your lap, pull her back to you and tell her how much you love holding her, and please don't go away from you ever and you want to hold her always. Keep your voice light

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her of being worried to let you go again now that she will have do without you at school. In this game, she gets to push you away and reassure you that's it's okay for her to leave.

Another terrific game for separation anxiety is the Bye Bye Game. It's a simple version of Hide and Seek that triggers just a little separation anxiety, just enough to get her giggling. Say "Let's play Bye-bye. If you want me, yell Peanut Butter" (or whatever she would think is 8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

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[ PARENTING ]

Emma Seppälä, Ph.D is Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and is the author of The Happiness Track (HarperOne, 2016). She is also Co-Director of the Yale College Emotional Intelligence Project at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. She is a frequent contributor to Harvard Business Review, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, and Scientific American Mind. She is the founder and editor-in-chief of Fulfillment Daily, a popular news site dedicated to the science of happiness.

Her work and research have been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Chicago Tribune, The Boston Globe, The Atlantic, VOGUE, ELLE, CBSNews, Oprah Magazine, Fast Company, U.S. World and News Report, Forbes, Cosmopolitan, Inc, Huffington Post, ABC News, Business Insider, SELF, GLAMOUR. She has appeared several times on Good Morning America. She was also interviewed for Huffington Post Live and TIME/MONEY and is featured in the documentary film The Altruism Revolution.

She is the recipient of a number of research grants and service awards including the James W. Lyons Award from Stanford University for founding Stanford’s first academic class on the psychology of happiness and teaching many well-being programs for Stanford students.

She graduated from Yale (BA), Columbia (MA), and Stanford (PhD). Originally from Paris, France, she is a native speaker of French, English, and German.

10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

Most Of Us Are Managing Our Emotions The Wrong Way. Here’s What To Do Instead.

by Emma Seppälä Ph.D. It’s normal to experience emotions at at home or at work: frustration, anger, fear, excitement. But how you handle these feelings can go a long way toward building — or destroying — your relationships. It’s essential to develop the ability to regulate your emotions, but perhaps not in the way you might think.

Take this example: A soccer team is playing in a critical game and is down by one goal. Just before half-time, a player gets fouled in the box and the team is given a penalty kick — a great opportunity. A leading player on the team steps up to take the shot. At first, it appears perfect as it soars to the corner of the net but then it rebounds off the goalpost. Defeated, he walks off the field to meet his team for their half-time meeting.

[ PARENTING ] The team is upset. The coach is too. The coach’s goal is to

elevated blood pressure.

get the players over this hump, ready to return to the field feeling pumped and motivated. Should he master his

Given the negative impacts of suppression, you might

frustration, put on a fake smile, and ignore the incident

think that fully expressing our emotions may be a more

altogether? Or should he be honest and fully express his

effective strategy. Doing so, however, can obviously also

feelings? Which one of these is going to help him meet

be problematic and destructive. Think of a parent who

his goal?

fully unleashes his rage on a child – the impact can be traumatic and the memory of the event can last a long

Neither, it turns out.

time – as evidenced by the fact that the brain focuses on the negative and remembers highly emotional events. If

When You Regulate Well, You Do Well – and So Does Your

the coach fully expressed the frustration he was feeling

Family and Workplace

in the moment, he probably would have destroyed the confidence of his players. Instead of inspiring connection

Research on emotional regulation suggests that the

and motivation, he would likely leave the players feeling

coach’s ability to manage his emotions will determine

fearful and dejected.

team morale and motivation. Emotion regulation is the “master skill” of emotional intelligence, explains

Reappraisal, or taking a broader perspective, may be

Marc Brackett, director of the Yale Center for Emotional

the most effective strategy in this situation. For example,

Intelligence and author of the book, Permission to Feel.

a mother could reminder herself “this child is just tired, she didn’t really mean to hurt her little brother.” As a

But how a leader or parent manages emotions is critical

result, she calms down and is able to attend to her

in determining whether the outcome for the team or

children with greater ease. The coach could remind

family will be positive or negative. Research has found

himself that “the game is only over when it’s over”; that

that people tend to regulate their emotions in one of two

this is just one game in the season. There will be other

ways: suppression or reappraisal.

opportunities for his team to shine. Reappraisal helps him calm down. As a consequence, he might perceive

Suppression is what most people do: hide their feelings,

that the players were already disappointed and that,

bottle them up, and pretend not to feel upset. While

instead of more dejection, they need encouragement.

this is probably the most common strategy, it actually

He may start the meeting acknowledging everyone’s

leads to a host of negative outcomes. Bottling up

disappointment but emphasizing that the outcome of

emotions only strengthens them. The activity in the

this setback depends on the players’ determination to

emotion centers of the brain (amygdala and insula)

master this challenge and turn the game around for the

increases. Similarly, your “fight or flight” response is further

next 45 minutes.

activated: heart rate, blood pressure, skin conductance (skin sweat). Research shows that suppressing emotions

When leaders and parents reappraise rather than

elevates other people’s stress response. If a mother

suppress, the results are much better for everyone. We

bottles up her anger, for example, her childrens’ blood

recently conducted a study with 15 varsity coaches

pressure is likely to rise. They may not consciously know

and their athletes. Coaches who tended to reappraise

that she is angry (since they can’t tell objectively), but

more often experienced less negative emotions overall

they are physiologically registering the anger and that

than coaches who tended to suppress their emotions.

sets off a stress response. Suppression also leads to fewer

The reappraising coaches also had more positive team

close relationships, more negative emotions, less social

climates, characterized by trust, communication, and

support, lower satisfaction with life, poorer memory, and

motivation.

JUNE 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

[ PARENTING ] One of the signs of a strong leader (and therefore parent)

challenge frame builds resilience in the face of stress.

is the ability to both manage and infl uence the emotional states of those around them. Leaders – of families or

In contrast, perceiving a problem as a threat has been

workplaces – must be able to inspire and instill confidence

linked to decreased performance and motivation as well

in their followers to help them maintain motivation and

as increased stress levels.

cope in the face of difficulty. To be effective at this complicated task, they must be able to regulate their own

When your own stress levels are high, reappraisal can

feelings effectively. As models for those who follow them,

seem difficult. “A fast way to regain your cool so you can

leaders and parents also teach coping mechanisms. A mother who takes deep breaths when she is frustrated teaches her child the same thing by example. A leader who takes a broader perspective in times of losses and disappointments helps others do the same. The result is a better atmosphere for everyone – where emotion regulation is modeled and taught in constructive ways.

The potential benefits of reappraisal are supported by research on leader-follower interactions. One study found that leaders who used reappraisal rather than suppression when delivering bad news were better able to help their followers manage their anger responses. The followers of

reappraise is through deep breathing,” explains Johann Berlin, CEO of TLEX Institute. “By teaching executives how to manage themselves through something as easy as breathing, you can make an enormous difference to their teams.” Research shows that you can rapidly calm your emotions using just your breath. Inhales increase your heart rate and blood pressure while exhales slow them down. An easy exercise you can do even in the middle of a meeting is to breathe out for twice as long as you inhale.

If you have a little more time, try this exercise or better yet, try a breathing class, which takes you through a specific breathing practice that can calm you down quickly.

leaders who used suppression in this paradigm expressed more anger and reported negative attitudes towards their leaders.

So how can you be best prepared for high-stake situations when you’ll most need to regulate? Practice these exercises in low-stake situations. Practice them daily. You’ll

Exercise Your Reappraisal Muscle

be well versed when things get stressful.

Finally – remember that your child’s brain is not fully

Reappraisal can seem difficult to do during times of crisis.

developed until he or she is 25! Your children’s ability to

Here’s a quick research-backed technique that can

regulate their emotions is limited – which of course is one of

help you do so: Think about the problem as a challenge

the reasons they can set off your buttons, but remembering

rather than as a threat. Mounting evidence indicates that

their limitations can help you gain empathy when you

appraising problems as a challenge — rather than as a

need it. The more you model and teach them healthy

threat — helps people concentrate on the task at hand

ways to cope, the better they will be able to apply those

and consider the steps they have to take to succeed. A

techniques.

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[ PARENTING ]

What Parents Can Do to Manage Coronavirus Stress in Kids

by Signe Whitson L.S.W., C-SSWS Signe Whitson is an author and internationally-recognized speaker with 20 years of experience working with children, teens, and families. She presents customized training workshops for professionals, parents, and students on topics related to bullying prevention, digital citizenship, managing anxiety and anger in children, changing passive aggressive behavior, and intervening effectively in crisis situations in schools and treatment organizations.

Signe is the Director of Counseling at The Swain School in Allentown, PA. She is also the Chief Operating Officer of the Life Space Crisis Intervention Institute, an international training and certification program for turning crisis situations into learning opportunities for children and youth with chronic patterns of self-defeating behaviors. www. signewhitson.com

Six strategies to help kids manage fear and increase their sense of control.

The world can be a frightening place for kids. From global threats like climate change and terrorism to personal stressors related to family, academics, relationships, and more, today’s young people are growing up surrounded by sources of anxiety. With the threat of a pandemic now added to the mix, what can parents do to help kids cope with COVID-19, school closings, event cancellations, and the climate of fear?

1. Avoid Freaking Out! Remember when your children were fi rst learning to walk? When they inevitably stumbled, your gasps of concern likely triggered their tears while your expressions of encouragement inspired their confidence to keep going.

And so it will be with your reaction to the coronavirus.

Kids take their emotional cues from the trusted adults in their lives. During this time of 24/7 news coverage, rising infection rates, and shortages (of both test kits and toilet paper!), one of the most helpful things you can do as a parent is to remain calm and project the sense that your family can handle whatever comes your way as COVID-19 runs its course. Neuroscience shows us definitively that your calm brain can soothe your child’s anxious brain and that this experience of co-regulation is among the most powerful ways to de-

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

[ PARENTING ] escalate panic and fears.

opportunity for your child to be a helper and to make a positive difference for others.

2. Provide Structure and Routine 5. Use Facts and Logic to Combat the Instinct to If your child’s school, day care, or other daily routines

Catastrophize

have been disrupted by closings and cancellations related to the coronavirus, take steps to provide as much

Our human brains have an amazing capacity for

structure, predictability, and normalcy into your child

vigilance and self-protection. The amygdala—the

or adolescent’s day as possible. No matter how much

brain structure responsible for the flight, flight, or freeze

they may seem to fight it, kids thrive on consistency.

response to stress—is always on alert for dangers in our

And so while you might be tempted to let your kids stay

environment. While this natural hyper-vigilance efficiently

up as late as they want or to sleep in all morning when

mobilizes a human's response to illness or other perceived

school's out, aim to keep their sleep schedule as normal

threats, our brain's tendency to catastrophize can

as possible. Ensuring that kids get the proper amount of

sometimes be immobilizing.

sleep for their age is vitally important to helping kids stay emotionally-regulated. Likewise, keeping mealtimes,

When you notice that your child is getting stuck in

exercise routines, play, bath times, and other household

thoughts of fear, panic, or helplessness, use facts to

schedules as predictable as possible gives kids a much-

activate the logical, thinking structures of his/her brain.

needed sense of safety and security.

Talk to your kids about the fact that most coronavirus patients recover completely. Reassure them that their

3. Show Kids Where They Have Control

body's immune system is amazing and helps fight off germs and viruses on a daily basis. Explain how

There’s nothing like the word “pandemic” to make

school cancellations and social distancing are logical

us feel vulnerable and exposed. Combat feelings of

actions we take to prevent our worst fears from coming

helplessness by showing your children where they have

true. Worry, by its very nature, makes kids believe that

control in preventing illness. Teach kids how effective

catastrophe is imminent. You, as their parent, can help

simple hand-washing is in stopping the spread of

them understand that with prevention measures and

COVID-19. If it isn’t already, make frequent hand-washing

problem-solving, worst-case scenarios can be avoided.

part of your household routines—and make it fun! Show kids how to really lather up their soap, get in between

6. Stress Less and Move More!

each finger, and disinfect underneath their nails. Sing silly

As much as we live for weekends and love vacations,

songs with kids to make sure they are washing for at least

having “forced” time off from school and work can

20 seconds or put a timer by each sink so that everyone

create a lot of very real stress, even apart from the threat

knows they are washing for long enough. Every little

of illness. Focusing on the negative aspects, however,

thing we do to increase feelings of control simultaneously

does not make the negative aspects go away. In fact,

diminishes feelings of helplessness.

the more we fret, the worse we feel—and our mindsets just go downhill from there.

4. Encourage Kids to Help Others Feel Better And so, be diligent about re-directing your thoughts Does your young person know someone who was

away from stress and fear and toward health and

exposed to or has contracted COVID-19? Help them think

togetherness. Use this opportunity to get outside with

of what they could do to help the person feel better.

the kids, where the air is fresh and the germs are fewer.

While visitation is obviously not an option, could the child

Movement is one of the very best ways to relax a worried

draw a picture, create a craft, send a text, make a video,

brain and activate a sense of calm. Play, inhale deeply,

or do something else to wish the person well? Together,

exhale slowly, get your heart rate up, and take an active

could you run errands, drop off groceries or medicine, or

role in keeping all of the members of your household as

otherwise help a sick family member, friend, neighbor,

healthy and as positive as possible during this time of

colleague, or acquaintance. Turn this time into an

uncertainty.

JUNE 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

[ PARENTING ]

Does Paying Kids for Good Grades Pay Off?

by Amy McCready Parenting expert and “recovering yeller” Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time…

The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling (Penguin, 2011.) Amy is a regular parenting contributor on The TODAY Show and has also appeared on Rachael Ray, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Steve Harvey and elsewhere. In her most important role, she plays mom to two teenage boys. Follow Amy on Twitter @AmyMcCreadyPPS. For more information on Postive Parenting, go to www.positiveparentingsolutions. com/course-details

Education is a gateway to success. It’s why parents in New York hire consultants for preschool. It’s why young kids in China are writing resumes.

And it’s why American high school students fret over competitive college admissions.

Parents know that the better the education, the greater their child’s success may be. They also know that numerous achievements, like a high GPA, can help secure that success. Some colleges even value a high GPA above all other application components.

The importance of good grades can put a lot of pressure on students and their parents. Many families turn to monetary incentives like paying their kids to make those grades. (Or, like in recent news, there are the notorious and wealthy few willing to bribe administrators for admissions.)

Offering a child fifty dollars in exchange for an excellent report card seems like a small price to pay for a child’s entire future.

But it’s not that simple. Paying for grades isn’t just a harmless means to an end that puts a little fun money in our kids’ pockets.

Paying for grades actually robs kids of much greater wealth. It doesn’t matter

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

[ PARENTING ] whether your child is headed for preschool, community

applause–or a small paycheck–the more conditioned

college, or the Ivy League: True, long-lasting success

they’ll be for future jobs. They’ll exemplify a solid work

requires skills that money can’t buy.

ethic by caring about their efforts and self-improvement– and this will make them all the more successful.

Here are 6 reasons why paying for grades isn’t the best way to set our kids up for life-long success:

Their transition to the rest of the “real world” will also be less of a wake-up call. Just like us, our kids will never get

1. Payment Breeds Entitlement

paid for doing their taxes, cleaning the bathrooms, and

You may be thinking that paying for grades, overall,

raising their children (to name a few minor things).

can’t be that bad. If it gets your kids into college, where is the real harm? Maybe YOU were paid for grades and

2. Rewards Decrease Motivation

it worked well for you. Now, you want to pay it forward

Some parents might argue that the last time their 6-year-

and invest in your children’s careers with a small down

old ate her asparagus, it was only because of the dessert

payment. Plus, young adults get paid for their work when

she was promised. Or that their preteen–who hates

they finally land jobs–so what’s the difference?

his new braces–only smiled for the expensive family photoshoot because he was bribed with a new video

Before we continue, let me ask…Do you pay your kids to

game.

clean their rooms? To take out the trash? To take time out of playing to sit on the potty?

Yes, rewards DO motivate to some degree in the short-term–but this motivation isn’t sustainable. Kids

Paying our kids for something that is a necessary part of

will eventually want us to up the ante, which leads to

life–including studying–is a dangerous game.

increased bargaining and appeasement. One M&M will turn into 5. Ten dollars per ‘A’ will turn into twenty.

Are you paid for tidying up the house? Making dinner for the family? Keeping the maintenance up on your car?

Their motivation for a quick-fix is short-term and external

Organizing the chauffeur schedule to get all the kids to

rather than long-term and internal.

their practices on time?

Also, when we offer rewards, it sends our kids the The truth is, certain things need to be done without

message that we don’t have confidence they can

compensation. Anything else is a path towards

achieve good grades without added incentive.

entitlement.

This is our cue for providing Encouragement.

The newest generations of young adults–Millennials and Gen Z-ers–are getting a bad rap. They have great

Encouragement is helping our kids feel empowered by

skills, but some expect a lot in return. In many ways, this

their choices, like focusing on the effort they put into

is good–like the fact that they’re forcing companies to

a grade. It can start small at first, like the extra fifteen

create more balanced work-life environments. But in

minutes they spent studying the night before that helped

other ways, expectations can lean too much towards

bring their ‘D’ test score up to a ‘B’.

entitlement.

“Your work earned you that ‘B’! You should feel really Studying may seem a lot like holding an actual job,

proud of the extra effort you put in!“

complete with time-management and hard work.

But the more our kids can do necessary work without

This encouragement helps connect effort to results and JUNE 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ PARENTING ] gives kids a hit of confidence and power.

needs to feel successful.

Doling out encouragement isn’t the same as sugary

On the other hand, the promise of money isn’t

compliments and unhelpful praise, like “you’re just so

guaranteed to teach these habits–nor does earning

smart!” or “you’re so good at everything!” It may seem

an ‘A’ without a good amount of self-discipline. In fact,

beneficial, but praise like this is just another reward in

paying for grades can encourage kids to cut corners

disguise.

and cheat the system.

Shallow praise makes kids feel good in the moment,

4. Rewards Foster Laziness, Lying, and Cheating

but it also tells them they don’t need to try any harder

Often, our dear kids seem nothing but lazy. But there’s

because they’re already “on top.” Encouragement, on

often a lot more to this than meets the eye.

the other hand, focuses less on perfection and more on improvement. It also gives kids the confidence to move

Most kids are bogged down with extracurricular activities

forward towards their next goals.

and are in major need of extra sleep these days.

3. Paying For Grades Deflects From Good Habits

Many also fail to see the value of studying.

Just like connecting good grades to effort, helping kids establish good study habits is a major advantage to their

“Laziness may often be the result of there being too

futures.

much of a disconnect between what a person is asked to do and why that task is important.” – Daniel Marsten,

Instead of promising your teen extra allowance for

Ph.D., Psychology Today

a successful semester, you can help him focus on developing a homework plan. This might include proper

Unless we help kids understand that studying is beneficial

time management, the removal of distractions, and the

for more than just good grades, (like the development

use of a When-Then Routine.

of life-long skills and the absorption of valuable and interesting information) they may be inclined to take

When-Then Routines helps kids complete the less fun

short cuts. And promising fifty dollars for every ‘A’ (or

things before the more enjoyable parts of their day.

whatever the current going rate is) further increases this short line approach.

You can say, “Emily, when you’ve finished studying for your test, then you can watch TV.” Or, “When you’ve

Because kids still want that money to fund their Spotify

finished your project, then you can hang out with your

premium account and to purchase the latest and

friends.” The then isn’t a special privilege but rather

greatest ripped jeans.

a regularly enjoyed activity. Plus, if the When-Then becomes a routine standard, kids are even more likely to

Short cuts might include lying about a report card or

cooperate.

exaggerating a ‘C’ on a history exam. Kids may even go so far as to cheat. This could be asking a friend to write

Effective studying is invaluable because it speeds up and

an English paper for them or getting the answers to the

simplifies the learning process. It shifts the focus from the

chemistry test from a student who took it last year.

grades themselves to the practice of studying. In this way, the letters on the report card aren’t the motivator.

Dangling rewards for good grades can lead kids towards

The routine and hard work put in each day (with a little

unwise decisions. While all children need to make

dose of encouragement from you) are all your child

mistakes–like learning that lying or cheating never ends

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

[ PARENTING ] well–they can learn in less harmful ways.

The thing is, though–it’s actually true.

5. We Should Avoid the Avoidance of Failure

If kids respect, or dare I say, enjoy studying, they’ll be

I get it–good grades are important. We don’t want to

more willing to do it without a payoff.

see our kids fail and we certainly don’t want to see that failure–in the form of ‘F’s, ‘D’s, and ‘C’s–threaten their

We can help by trying to make learning interesting.

future.

Maybe it’s talking about the mind-bending theories of quantum physics (like the idea that one particle can

Paying our kids for good grades may help them secure

be in two places at a time?! Hello, multiverse!) with

these grades, but allowing them to fail without added

otherwise boring physics homework. It could be going

incentive is an even greater benefit.

to see a funny, modern take on a Shakespearean play.

Or, it could be teaching fractions while measuring the

In a competitive world, kids aren’t always comfortable

ingredients for homemade cookies.

making mistakes. Or losing. Or even getting second place. But learning to embrace failure, learn from it, and

Kids can still celebrate getting a good final grade, but

pick back up again is an imperative skill. It’s a situation

we want them to feel inspired by the smaller, daily things

kids will find themselves in again and again in life, and

they learn and experience along the way.

letting them practice their resilience before they’re off on their own gives them an advantage.

Final Thoughts

Childhood is the perfect time to let kids fail, because the

It’s true that money can buy a lot. Having money

older they get, the more will be at stake. A child with a

equates to many advantages, and to a certain extent,

safety net throughout childhood will fall much farther

we can’t live without it. We also need our kids to be

and harder as an adult than a child that’s allowed to fail.

financially independent one day. Good education and good jobs help make that happen.

Kids need to know that if they don’t do their work, they’ll fail. They also need to know failure isn’t the end of the

But let me ask you this: is focusing on a financial profit the

world. Finally, they need to realize that the real way to

message we want to send our kids?

combat failure is to adapt and try again.

Instead, let’s teach our children that good grades are Learning to recover from failure can shift a child’s

more than a means to an end and that studying can

mindset from “Working hard for a good grade isn’t worth

be both interesting and empowering. Let’s instill the fact

the risk of getting a bad one” to “If I don’t do well, it’s

that effective studying produces skills like hard work,

okay. I’ll work even harder next time.”

determination, confidence, and a great set of habits–all of which enable and increase long-term success.

6. We Want to Focus on the Journey–Not the Destination We all know the saying. You know, the one that reminds

As long as we provide an atmosphere of

us to enjoy the process? To seize the day? It’s the advice

encouragement, and never bribery, our kids will

that if we focus only on our end-goals, we overlook all

be fortified by skills and motivations that are truly

the other special moments along the way.

sustainable.

It’s just that it can be hard to hear “enjoy the journey”

And until we receive that first, jaw-dropping college

when the process is studying.

tuition bill–it won’t cost us a single penny.

JUNE 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ PARENTING ] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek, People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail.

She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited

by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba

9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Kids to Find Their Hero Within

by Dr. Michele Borba How to cultivate courage for our bubble-wrapped kids so they find strength to face adversity and do the right thing.

Empathy Habit #8: MORAL COURAGE Empathy is the miraculous quality that allows us to feel with others, but in order to act on those feelings kids need Moral Courage. Courage emboldens kids to speak out, step in and help others and it is the eighth of the Nine Crucial Empathy Building Habits in UnSelfie.

We can cultivate courage. So let’s roll up our sleeves and get started. This is a Brave New World and children will need the skills and know-how to find that inner bravery to do the right thing. To read more about how this habit gives children the Empathy Advantage and how to cultivate it in children, refer to Chapter 8: Moral Courage in UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our AllAbout Me World.

My favorite movie about courage is, “We Bought a Zoo.” One scene is especially powerful: The teen son admits to his dad that he’s crazy about a girl, but unless he musters the courage to tell her that their relationship is over.

His dad’s advice is priceless: “You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage – just literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery – and I promise you that something great will come of it.”

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

[ PARENTING ] The truth is that sometimes kids need gentle nudges to

their parents expect them to support those in need.

step out of their comfort zone and discover their inner

Discuss bravery with your kids: Tell them, “Courage is

strength. Our job is to help our children find their 20

making the choice to do what you know is right even if

seconds of safe courage, so they can do the right thing

you are afraid.” Some parents develop a family courage

when their conscience or heart urge them to step in and

mantra like “We find courage to do what’s right, even if

help.

it’s hard.” Or you might tell your child, “Our family speaks up and helps others.”

Why is it important for kids to be courageous? A bold child is more likely to withstand negative peer pressure,

3. Stop bubble-wrapping and rescuing your kids. Always

say no to temptations that run counter to your family’s

“fixing” children’s problems only makes them more

values and fight the good fight.

dependent and reduces their ability to bravely seek their own solutions. It also sends a disturbing message:

Courage also has surprise benefits: It boosts kids’

“I’ll help because you can’t do it alone.” If you’re “over-

resilience, confidence and willpower as well as their

helping,” start building your child’s courage muscles by

learning, performance and school engagement.

putting him in the driver’s seat. He – not you – tells his

The good news is that courage can be taught.We often

coach he can’t make practice. She apologizes to her pal

make the mistake of thinking of courage as an elusive

without your assistance.

quality that is locked into our DNA. But my research shows that bravery is made up of teachable skills.

4. Encourage your kids to share their acts of bravery.

Learning to be brave takes practice, so encourage your

Teaching those skills to our kids – regardless of GPA,

children to do something courageous every day, like

gender or temperament (introverts or extroverts) – is how

introducing themselves to someone new, inviting a new

we can help our children learn the skills of courage. And

classmate to play or standing up for a peer. Then take

that’s how we raise a generation of caring, courageous

time to focus on their courageous breakthroughs. One

children who think WE, not ME.

dad I spoke with had his kids list their “brave successes” on paper strips, then stapled the strips together to make

9 Ways to Cultivate Courage and Stretch Kids’ Risk-Taking

“courage chains.” A mom I talked to had her kids to

Muscles

share their brave deeds at dinner time.

Here are nine ways to stretch kids’ risk-taking muscles in our bubble-wrapped world, so they can face adversity

5. Dispel the “Superman myth.” Many kids assume

and do the right thing:

they need to look like a superhero to be courageous.

Share stories of those who changed the world with their

1. Model courage. Kids who watch their parents stick

quiet, nonphysical brave acts. Jackie Robinson, the

their necks out to do the right thing are more likely to

first Major League baseball black player, was heckled

do the same. Let your child see you step out of your

because of his skin color, and showed great bravery

comfort zone, whether it’s tackling your fear of heights or

by preserving and conducting himself in a professional

speaking up to your boss. Then express how good it feels

manner on the field (where he excelled) as well as

when you conquer your fear instead of taking a shortcut.

off it. Mahatma Gandhi – who would go on to be the

Kids learn how to take on the tough challenges they face

leader of nonviolent civil disobedience – ran home after

from witnessing how you tackle your own fears.

school every day, as a child, because he was too shy to talk to anyone. Rosa Parks, the African American Civil

2. Talk about values and courage. Research finds that

Rights activist who refused to give up her seat to white

kids are more likely be courageous if they believe that

passengers, was described as “soft-spoken … timid and shy.”

JUNE 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ PARENTING ] herself, “Be brave, Clara!” And she learned something when she crossed the bridge: “I’m brave, Mommy! I’m brave!”

8. Teach kids to prioritize safety. Even as we teach our children to be brave, it’s still important to temper risktaking. Certainly, we want our children to be safe. So tell your child that safety is always the fi rst priority. If someone could get hurt and the risk is too great, teach your kids to always get adult help or call 911 if needed. Encourage children to trust their instincts, when they have concerns that something is unsafe.

9. Teach your kids how to reduce their fears. If not kept in check, fear can be overwhelming. Teach your child simple strategies to be brave. You might encourage 6. Read about courageous kids. Share inspiring news and stories about children who stick their necks out for others. A couple of my favorite books for younger kids are “Courage” by Bernard Waber and “Brave Irene”

by William Steig. Check out these titles for older kids: “Wringer,” by Jerry Spinelli and “Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends” by Patti Kelley Criswell and Angela Martini.

positive self-talk, such as saying, “I can handle this” or “I have courage to do this.” Or teach your child to take slow, deep breaths to find courage. Research finds younger children are more likely to share their fears with another child. Though you want them to be open with you, let them know it’s also OK to share their worries with a friend. Choose a fear reducer that works best for your child and then help her practice that until it becomes a

7. Encourage young kids take brave baby steps. Instead

habit.

of picking her daughter up, a friend of mine helped her 3-year old find courage to cross a small bridge

For kids to thrive in today’s uncertain world, they will

by empowering her. “Be brave, Clara,” she told her

need courage and confidence. Let’s help them find their

daughter. “You can do it.” Clara continued, repeating to

hero within and learn to be brave!

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

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Kids choose from: stop motion animation, coding, sports in a custom stadium, bread-making, waterslides and much more.

Our policy is as flexible as you need it to be. You can buy a whole summer membership or you can purchase as many day passes as you want. Use the passes whenever. Didn’t use them? No sweat. We’ll give you a full refund for unused passes. And best of all, you don’t even have to tell us when you’re coming. Ta-da. Camp just got easier.

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[ SUMMER CAMP ]

Summer Alameda County ALAMEDA Alameda School of Music 1307 High St. 510.769.0195 www.alamusic.org

Camp Bladium 800 West Tower Ave 510.814.4999 www.bladiumalameda.com/ youth-kids/kids-camps

BERKELEY Music Discovery Workshop 2005 Berryman St. 510.528.1725 www.sfems.org

St. John’s Camp Elmwood 2727 College Ave. 510.845.6830 www.stjohnsberkeley.org/ campelmwood

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DUBLIN

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FREMONT

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30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JUNE 2020

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Summer LAFAYETTE California Shakespeare Theater Summer Conservatory 1000 Upper Happy Valley Rd 510.809.3293 www.calshakes.org/v4/educ/ summer_conservatories.html

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MARTINEZ

PLEASANT HILL

John Muir Mountain Day Camp John Muir National Historic Site 925.680.8807

City of Pleasant Hill Camps 147 Gregory Ln 925.682.0896

Castle Rock Arabians 1350 Castle Rock Rd. 925.933.3701

www.johnmuirassociation.org/ muircamp/index.php

French For Fun 3381 Mt. Diablo Blvd 925.283.9822

ORINDA

Rancho Saguaro 1050 Pereira Rd. 925.788.5200 www.ranchosaguaro.com

MORAGA Gaels Summer Camp 1928 St Mary’s Rd. 925.631.4FUN www.smcgaels.com

Camp Saklan 1678 School St. 925.376.7900 www.saklan.org/about-us/campsaklan

OAKLEY City of Oakley Parks and Recreation 3231 Main St. 925.625.7044 www.ci.oakley.ca.us

Diamond Hills Sports Club 1510 Neroly Rd. 925.420.4575 www.sparetimeclubs.com

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www.castlerockarabians.com

www.pleasanthillrec.com

PITTSBURG City of Pittsburg Parks and Recreation 300 Presido Ln. 925.252.4842 www.ci.pittsburg.ca.us

SAN RAMON City of San Ramon Camps 2226 Camino Ramon 925.973.2500 www.ci.san-ramon.ca.us

School of Rock San Ramon 460 Montgomery Street 925.415.3340 510.207.9281 bit.ly/SORsanramoncamps

Adventure Day Camp Dorris-Eaton School One Annabel Lane 925.937.6500 www.adventuredaycamp.com

WALNUT CREEK Adventure Day Camp Seven Hills School 975 North San Carlos Dr. 925.937.6500 www.adventuredaycamp.com

Multiple Locations The Growing Room Academy Various locations around the Bay Offers: 3,4 and 5 Day Camps 925.837.4392 www.thegrowingroom.org

Camp Rocks: Girl Scouts of Northern California Offered at 5 locations: San Rafael (Camp Bothin), Santa Cruz (Skylark Ranch), San Jose (Camp Metro Day Camp), North Lake Tahoe (Deer Lake), and the Sierra Nevada Mountains (Sugar Pine) 800.447.4475 ext. 2091 www.camprocks.org

Mad Science Camp Offered at several local Recreation sites and Community Centers 925.687.1900 www.mtdiablo.madscience.org

[ SUMMER CAMP ]

Camps Steve and Kate’s Camp Danville, Dublin, Fremont, Oakland, Walnut Creek and Berkeley 415.389.5437 www.steveandkatescamp.com

Camp Galileo Alameda, Alamo, Berkeley, San Ramon, Walnut Creek, Fremont, Oakland, Lafayette and Orinda 510.595.7293

Lango Language Summer Camps Serving Alamo, Blackhawk, Brentwood, Briones, Canyon, Clayton, Concord, Danville, Martinez, Moraga, Orinda, Pacheco, Pittsburg, Pleasant Hill, San Ramon, Walnut Creek and surrounding regions 888.445.2646 www.langokids.com/parent/kidslanguage-summer-camps

Out of Area Golden Arrow Camps 644 Pollasky Avenue, Ste. 100 Clovis, 93612 800.554.CAMP www.goldarrowcamp.com

Coppercreek Camp 1887 Williams Valley Rd. Greenville, 95947 800.350.0006 www.coppercreek.com

www.galileo-learning.com

KinderCare Walnut Creek, Concord, Danville, Martinez and Clayton 888.523.6765 www.kindercare.com/ summercamp

Viva el Espanol!

Lafayette, Piedmont, Pleasanton & San Anselmo 925.962.9177 www.vivaelespanol.org/ summerprograms.php

Club Sport Fremont, San Ramon, Pleasanton and Walnut Creek 925.938.8700 www.clubsports.com

Camp Edmo Alameda, Fremont, and Oakland 415.282.6673 www.campedmo.org

Kids’ Carpentry Berkeley, Lafayette, Alameda, Oakland, Alamo & Walnut Creek 510.524.9232

Stratford School Summer Sports Camp & Enrichment Danville, Fremont, Los Gatos, Morgan Hill and Pleasanton 925.737.0001

www.kidscarpentry.com

www.stratfordschools.com

www.techknowhowkids.com

Sky hawk’s Sports Camp Various locations around the Bay Area 800.804.3509

iD Tech Camp Moraga, Concord, Livermore, Berkeley and other Bay Area locations www.idtech.com

www.skyhawks.com

TechKnowHow Kids Dublin, Berkeley, Fremont, Livermore, Oakland & Pleasanton 650.638.0500

Camp Unalayee 3921 East Bayshore Rd. Palo Alto 650.969.6313 www.unalayee-summer-camp.com

CYO Summer Camp 2136 Bohemian Hwy Occidental, 95465 707.874.0200

SF Zoo Camp Sloat Blvd. & the Great Highway San Francisco 415.753.7080 www.sfzoo.org Almaden Equestrian Center 20100 Almaden Rd. San Jose 408.927.0232 www.almadenequestriancenter.net

Silver Creek Sportsplex 800 Embedded Way San Jose 408.224.8774 www.gotoplex.com

College For Kids 1700 W. Hillsdale Blvd.

San Mateo 650.574.6149 www.collegeforkids-smccd.com

www.camp.cccyo.org

Mountain Camp Woodside 302 Portola Rd. Portola Valley 650.576.2267 www.mountaincampwoodside.com

School of Rock Summer Camp 711 South B St. San Mateo, San Jose & Palo Alto 650.347.3474 www.schoolofrock.com

Camp Tawonga 131 Steuart Ste. 460 San Francisco 415.543.2267 www.tawonga.org

Kennolyn Camps 8205 Glen Haven Rd. Soquel 831.479.6714 www.kennolyncamps.com

888.709.8324

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