JULY 2014
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BOR-ing Summer Days:
Could They Actually Be Good for Kids?
Family Staycation
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Volume 1 / Issue 6
BOR-ing Summer Days
[ TRAVEL ] Family Staycation & Travel Guide
8
[FITNESS]
44
Get Back on Track to Shed Pounds for the Summer
[ FOOD ]
34
Delicious Gluten-Free Fruit Crisp
[ FAMILY ]
14
[SEASONAL FUN]
Growing Smart: Why Creativity Matters
[ ENTERTAINMENT ]
36
16
20
22
[ EVENTS ]
The Fifth Step to Balance
10
Water Parks & Splash Spots
Sunscreen
East Bay Eateries
How Does Surrogacy Work?
How to Love Unconditionally When You’re Angry
26
46
Your Local Guide to Farmers Markets
28
July Calendar
24
How We Say It Makes or Breaks Connection
30
Childcare Dilemma
38
My Kids Don’t Fear Me
42
36 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2014
20
40
DISCOVERY Inspi®ed by St®atfo®d
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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor
Design/Production
Contributing Authors
Tracie Vollgraf
Teresa Craft
Marketing Manager
Ad Design/Production
Crystal Wigton
Lara Mays
Michelle Perry Higgins Amy Fothergill, The Family Chef Robin Stephens Marilyn Butterfield Dr. Laura Markham Katherine Bookings, MS, RD Bonnie Harris, MS Ed Dr. Jim Taylor Dr. Meg Meeker Dr. Christine Carter
Sr. Advertising Sales Manager Maxine Fisher
Advertising Sales Manager April Gentry
Advertising Sales Manager
Contributing Businesses
RoseAnn Pirylis
Sutter Health East Bay Region
Fashion Editor Jeneffer Jones Punjani Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566
Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com
Editor’s Note Now that summer is in full swing it’s time to get out and explore! This issue is chock-full of great ideas to keep the entire family busy this season! Be sure to check out the Family Staycation and Travel Guide on page 8. Looking to cool down on hot summer days? Grab the kids, jump in the car and head on over to one of the many water parks listed on page 36. Our favorites, Aqua Adventure in Fremont and Gilroy Gardens are offering Active Family readers amazing exclusive discounts, so be sure to check out their ads in this issue! If you are looking for a restaurant with great outdoor ambience, turn to page 20 and read up on the local hotspots! Of course we are so busy planning and keeping the kids active, it might not be a bad idea to just let them to chill and relax from time to time. Dr. Meg Meeker explains why it is okay for the kids to be bored and how to handle their boredom on page 44. Although we are smack-dab in the middle of summer, it is never too early to start planning your childcare needs. Take a look at our Childcare Dilemma article on page 38 which provides a comprehensive overview of your options. Enjoy your active, sunny days ahead! Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor tvollgraf@activefamilymag.com
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[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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[ TRAVEL ]
Family Staycation & Travel Guide
S tay c ati o n A staycation is a period in which an individual or family stays home and participates in leisure activities within driving distance, sleeping in their own bed at night.
1.
Monterey
This scenic and historic California coastal destination is the perfect staycation trip for families with children. From the Monterey Bay National Marin Sanctuary to Spanish-era adobes and John Steinbeck’s Cannery Row, Monterey welcomes visitors from around the world. The Monterey Bay Aquarium, perched on the edge of a world-famous coastline, is your window to the wonders of the ocean. Take in the ocean view or even better, let your kids get up close and personal by taking a journey to a world of undersea magicians, the ‘Tentacles’ exhibit is now open! Hop on the free trolley while shopping and snacking at Cannery Row or Caramel-by-the-Sea. Pack a picnic and drive to the many hidden beaches along the 17 Mile Drive where you and your kids can explore tide pools. More great finds – Monterey County Youth Museum, Monterey Bay Whale Watch.
2.
Sausalito
Wake up a little early for this adventure to catch breakfast at one of the many downtown outdoor cafes like Café Tutti or Sausalito Bakery & Café. Walk south along Bridgeway from the center of town for scenic photographs, fresh air and exercise. Then head on over to the Bay Area Discovery Museum where you and your tots can enjoy their 7.5 acres of natural beauty. Navigate winding tunnels to develop physical and intellectual risk-taking skills. Feel the rush of cold-water tide pools that surprise and awaken curiosity. Imagine new worlds by transforming into a spider, a ship captain, or a bridge builder. At every turn is a new opportunity to challenge the boundaries of creativity. Other great sights – Marine Mammal Center, Bay Model Visitor Center, Muir Woods and Gabrielson Park on the Bay.
8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2014 Magnolia
Liquid Bread
UpCider
[ TRAVEL ]
3.
NAPA Valley
Home of Hot Springs, Cool Wines and more, the quaint town of Calistoga is sure to please your family. Start off with a morning walk/hike on the Oat Hill Mine Trail
ahead and wine taste guilt-free: Sterling Vineyards offers a kid-friendly gondola ride, while Castello di Amorosa Winery has a tour of the castle for children 5 years and older. Visit Old Faithful Geyser, which erupts every 30 minutes, and then
or Bothe State Park. Pack a picnic lunch
head over to explore the Petrified Forest.
and enjoy the serenity at Pioneer Park. Visit
Continue to downtown Calistoga where
the Serengeti – take a tour through an
you can peruse shops and restaurants,
authentic African wildlife Preserve at Safari
including Oxbow Public Market, which, like
West. Yes, you can take a trip to Napa
the Ferry Building in SF, offers a quick bite
and bring your youngsters along too. Go
to eat for families on the go.
4.
Fort Bragg
Located a few hours from San Francisco, Fort Bragg is only an afternoon’s drive away. All roads to and from Fort Bragg are beautiful but winding – which makes the destination even sweeter! Start off by hunting (but not taking) sea glass treasure from Glass Beach. Search for rare ruby reds (from pre-1967 auto tail lights) or sapphire gems from apothecary bottles. Snap a photo, but leave the glass behind for others to discover. Have a picnic lunch on the rocks and cliffs overlooking Glass Beach (located in MacKerricher State Park). Fort Bragg is the official Gateway to the California Coastal National Monument. The California Coastal National Monument comprises more than 20,000 small islands, rocks, exposed reefs, and pinnacles between Mexico and Oregon. Take a ride on the Skunk Train which runs 40 miles from Fort Bragg on the coast to Willits on US Highway 101. Along the way, the tracks cross some 30 bridges and trestles and pass through two deep mountain tunnels. The half-way point of Northspur is a popular lunch spot, giving passengers a chance to snack before continuing to Willits or heading back to Fort Bragg. Along the way, you pass through beautiful stretches of redwoods. More great sights – Mendocino
JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9
[ FAMILY ]
The Fifth Step to Balance: Keeping the Romance Alive
by Michelle Perry Higgins I’ve never met one person who told me his or her sex life improved after a newborn arrived. Have you? That little bundle of joy turns every room of a married couple’s home upside down, especially their bedroom. When our first child was born, I finally understood all those jokes about women placing a “closed” sign on their vaginas. How is it possible to feel sexy after all your body went through delivering a child? Not to mention the exhaustion, the lack of sleep, and the fears and insecurities about being a competent parent. Oh yes, that first baby is a lifechanger. I was juggling career, housework, a new baby, an intimate relationship . . . but intimacy was the ball I dropped. While I loved my husband and cherished him deeply, I had this other tiny life to care for who required so much more attention. Whose life literally depended on me. Romance wound up on the back burner. Michelle Perry Higgins is the author of the Amazon best-seller, Stocks, Bonds & Soccer Moms and The Everything Binder. As a financial planner and principal of California Financial Advisors in San Ramon, California, Ms. Higgins specializes in wealth management. Since 1996 she has built a successful practice advising executive professionals into retirement, and her passion for finance has helped hundreds of individuals better understand the process of investing and fiscal planning. Ms. Higgins was featured as a 2012 and 2013 Five Star Wealth Manager Award, Diablo Magazine, and was also ranked in the Top 50 WomenOwned RIAs in 2013, Top 25 Women RIAs in 2012 and 2014, and Top 40 Under 40 by WealthManagement. com. She has been quoted in Yahoo! Finance, MSN Money and The Los Angeles Times, is a Wall Street Journal Expert Panelist. Follow Michelle on Twitter: @RetirementMPH. Join Michelle on Facebook: facebook.com/MichellePerryHiggins. Bookmark her website: www.michelleperryhiggins.com.
Although there was nothing unusual about what happened to us, after having the baby—in fact it’s quite common—I wish I’d had some kind of navigation system guiding me through this part of my marital journey. I’m sure Jared would have appreciated a heads-up as well. For those of you struggling to keep that flame alive in your marriages, or those of you who are past struggling and have just given up, take heart. There are solutions. I interviewed my dear friend, clinical psychologist Dr. Nanette Rowe for Stocks, Bonds & Soccer Moms and I’d love to share some of that interview with you here. I asked Dr. Rowe the million-dollar question: why do couples lose that romantic spark in their relationship? Dr. Rowe: “This happens even in the best of marriages, when the person you are sleeping with, who used to be your romantic ideal, suddenly becomes the guy who wakes up with bad breath, has food in his teeth, or conveniently leaves his underwear on the floor. By the same token, the sexy image he used to have of you gets altered by the daily sight of you in baggy sweats, or when you are trying to hold a conversation as he sits on the toilet. While all those behaviors breed a certain kind of intimacy, comfort, and closeness, they are anything but erotic and certainly not sexually exciting. Ironically, the comfort we seek in relationships is precisely what decreases the spark.” She went on to talk about the common phenomenon of couples who put all their energy into supporting and raising the kids, then one day turn to one another and say, “We did such a good job raising the kids, but by the way, who are you?” Dr. Rowe: “Isn’t it unfortunate that while a couple can be loving and nurturing with their kids, they would neglect one another? It’s easy to simply excuse the neglect of one’s partner by talking about the endless demands of kids and work. However, the consequences of that neglect are reactions like emotional distancing and
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[ FAMILY ] resentments. Too often couples simply take their partners for granted, assuming their partner is the same person they got together with decades ago. Typically he or she isn’t the same person who entered the relationship. “One of the best ways to avoid this distance from happening is to continue attending to the other person as an individual, as well as being the other’s co-pilot both in raising kids and along life’s journey. If you manage to stay connected, then the acknowledgment that you have co-parented well together is a shared experience of your history and relationship together. I advise couples to start early and bring the spark back by truly attending to the relationship. Once you go back to appreciating what you love and respect about the other person, you can begin to acknowledge it to him and to yourself.” Dr. Rowe also talked extensively about the fine art of communicating with your partner. I asked her if instead saying “you need to help me,” a wife really needs to say, “let’s help each other.” Dr. Rowe: Right. She might say, “I am feeling neglected because the baby has so many needs. Of course he is precious and I know we both love him, but I can get really frustrated with him from time to time. I need your help when I’m losing my perspective on parenting. Do you ever feel that way? “This way, the two of you are bonding over the experience of parenting. It may not be sexually exciting, but it’s connecting in a meaningful way. Attending to the other’s needs and feelings helps to get an understanding of how both of you are feeling and experiencing and how you are managing.” To read my full interview with Dr. Nanette Rowe, pick up my book Stocks, Bonds & Soccer Moms: 7 Steps to a Balanced Life, available in hard cover and ebook. If your romantic pilot light has gone out, you haven’t been that hot for each other in a while, or you’ve let romance fall by the wayside putting all your energy into your kids, here are a few suggestions to help you get back in the groove. 1. Call or text your husband during the day and ask him if he has any special plans for the evening. Let him know that you’ve been thinking about him and that you are looking forward to feeling his special touch later on. I’m pretty sure that he’ll be feeling that same way when he gets home.
3. Talk with your partner. Are there areas where you can improve your relationship? Make a commitment to one another to communicate those needs. Can you talk about all of that in a supportive, non-nagging, nonjudgmental way? I’ve talked in previous columns about how important “me” time is, for you to recharge your energy. Couple time is no less important. If you have to schedule it in advance, then do it. Don’t wait until your kids are grown to realize you and your husband have grown apart. Don’t wait until your husband loses patience with your exhaustion, lack of interest in intimacy, or always putting everything else ahead of the two of you, and does something drastic. Don’t believe that physical intimacy is not just as important to a balanced life as excelling at work or keeping a clean and organized household. As always, living a happy and fulfilling life is all about balance. Raising happy and healthy kids is about modeling that balance. The time you take to keep your marriage strong will pay off in so many ways, not just for you but for your children when they fly the nest and find partners of their own. I hope this column has provided some help in finding yours!
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[ FOOD ]
Delicious Gluten-Free Fruit Crisp by Amy Fothergill, The Family Chef Recipe from The Warm Kitchen cookbook What I love about this recipe is that you can make it all year round. In the summer, there is a bounty of fruit like peaches, apricots, nectarines, and all types of berries. In the winter, you can use apples, pears, and frozen fruit. The recipe is very forgiving as well. You can measure the fruit or just put enough to fill your pan. Use what’s on hand and check the freezer. **If you don’t need to eat gluten-free, use regular flour and oats** If you are concerned about the oats (some people can’t even tolerate the gluten-free variety), add more gluten-free flour mix and chopped nuts. To save time, measure the crisp ingredients (except the butter) beforehand and keep it in a bowl until you are ready to bake. Instead of a store-bought dessert, why not give this one a try? I’ll bet everyone will appreciate it! Serves 6-8 Crisp Topping: • 1/2 cup Amy’s Gluten-Free Flour Blend (see below) Amy Fothergill was trained at Cornell University’s School of Hotel Administration. She never thought her culinary skills would be necessary to manage her family’s special diet but has found her cooking knowledge has come in handy. Currently she is a cooking instructor, consultant, blogger, and author of a cookbook, perfect for any family: The Warm Kitchen: Glutenfree recipes anyone can make and everyone will love. She lives in the San Francisco bay area with her husband and two children.
• 1/3 cup gluten-free oats (if you can’t tolerate oats, substitute with more gluten-free flour) • 1/3-1/2 cup organic white sugar or natural sweetener • 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt • 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon • Optional: 1/2 cup chopped nuts (chop first, then measure) • 6-8 tablespoons melted unsalted butter or vegetable oil (use less if you are watching calories; more if you want a crisper topping) Filling: • 4 cups sliced, peeled and cored fruit like apples, pears, peaches, nectarines and/or blueberries, blackberries or olallieberries (use all of one or a combination)
Website: www.amythefamilychef.com About the book: www.thewarmkitchen.com
• 1/3 – 1/2 cup sugar or agave nectar (use more sugar or agave if the fruit is tart or if you use more than 4 cups) • 2 tablespoons cornstarch Directions: 1. Preheat the oven to 375F. Grease a 2 to 2-1/2 quart baking dish or deep pie dish. 2. Make the Crisp Topping and set aside. 3. Mix the fruit, sugar and cornstarch and toss gently. Transfer the fruit mixture to the baking dish and cover with the crisp topping, spreading evenly.
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[ FOOD ] 4. Place in the oven and bake until the top is well browned and the fruit is tender when pierced with a knife, about 30-35 minutes. 5. Serve with whipped cream or ice cream. Amy’s Gluten-Free Flour Blend This is the flour blend that will hopefully change your life. It’s easy to mix, versatile, and can be a substitute for flour in almost any recipe. For baking, I do suggest you use a gum such as xanthan or guar. These can be found in most health or natural food stores. MIX TOGETHER AND KEEP IN AN AIR TIGHT CONTAINER: • 3 cups brown rice flour • 1 cup tapioca flour or starch • 1 cup potato starch (not flour) • 1 cup millet flour Note: If you can’t find or don’t want to use millet flour, substitute with an equal amount of white rice or brown rice flour.
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[ FAMILY ]
Robin is a writer/blogger for The Growing Room Education Council. The Growing Room is a non-profit organization specializing in elementary school age enrichment programs through a unique 3-part curriculum: Growing Smart (Academics), Growing Fit (Health and Fitness) and Growing Tall (Character and Citizenship). Robin Stephens holds a bachelor’s degree in Human Development and Family Studies with a focus on early childhood/adolescent development, family systems, and socio-cultural perspectives of the family. For more information, visit thegrowingroom.org.
Growing Smart: Why Creativity Matters
by Robin Stephens Why Is Creativity Important? When you watch your toddler restack her teetering tower of blocks with the largest on the bottom – you just may be witnessing history in the making. As she rethinks her building strategy she is engaging in divergent thinking. It is the process used to generate many possible solutions to a problem. She joins the ranks of a long and distinguished list of divergent thinkers: Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, Thomas Edison, Amelia Earhart, Bob Dylan, Benjamin Franklin, Martha Graham, and Mahatma Gandhi, to name only a few. Divergent thinking is the backbone of creativity and one of the most important characteristics to cultivate in our children as they take their place in the 21st century. Creativity Is A Necessary Skill For The 21st Century Our world is changing at an unprecedented pace. Today’s Kindergarteners will be unleashed upon the world in 2026. We can scarcely imagine nor predict what our world will look like in five years from now, let alone a decade. Technology is changing the way we communicate, do business, and think. The economic landscape is continually shifting underneath our feet: it will require new solutions to new problems. Creativity and divergent thinking are at the forefront of technology. Those whom will push technology are the curious - the nonconformists. Divergent thinkers are the “disrupters” that shape the cultural landscape of society. When we profess to care about the environment, poverty, overpopulation, social reform, hunger, freedom and peace we must acknowledge the role that creativity will play in providing solutions in a new world. It is a skill that we must foster in our children.
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[ FAMILY ] Education And Creativity So, how are our schools preparing tomorrow’s leaders to creatively address the world that awaits them? There has been much debate regarding the role of creativity in education. It is at the forefront of discussion among innovative educators advocating school reform. Educator, Sir Ken Robinson’s TED talk, “How Schools Kill Creativity” is the most watched video on TED receiving over 26 million views. Yet, despite the compelling dialog, recent studies reveal that creativity is still on the decline among U.S. students: children in grades K-6 seem to be especially at risk. No Child Left Behind legislation requires districts and teachers to focus on “testing” and “results”. We are breeding behavior in American students that stresses “grades” over knowledge. This result-oriented educational environment discourages “out of the box” thinking and runs counter to the environment that promotes creativity in children. Parents Can Help How do we foster unbridled curiosity and promote creative risk-taking in our children when our educational system seems to champion institutionalized conformity? Creativity is not solely driven by IQ. What appears to matter the most are personality traits that promote divergent thinking. There are things parents can do to encourage these qualities: Limit Screen Time For Children Remember the aforementioned block-building toddler poised to join the world’s great divergent thinkers? Last month The Guardian published an article entitled, “Infants unable to use toy building blocks due to ipad addiction”. According to the British Association of Teachers and Lecturers, children 3-4 years of age have not developed the dexterity in their fingers to manipulate blocks because they’re too accustomed to swiping tablet screens. The inability to play with blocks robs children of those ever-important divergent thinking opportunities. Block building provides lessons in trial and error, persistence, and problem solving skills central to creativity. This may be indicative of troubling trends in the future. Early childhood educators say it is easy to spot the kids who are media saturated, both in terms of their lack of dexterity and in their inability to entertain themselves in free play, (in other words: their lack of creativity). The National Association for the Education of Young Children
states, “When used intentionally and appropriately, technology and interactive media are effective tools to support learning and development”. They also warn the exposure to interactive media should be limited for young children. Allow Time For Free Play Play is important. So important, in fact, that the United Nations has declared free play as a “basic human right.” Are their human rights violations at your house? Do Not Over-Schedule Academic Or Extra-Curricular Activities In our quest to ensure our children “excel” wellintentioned parents may be burdening their progeny with additional academic tasks. Research has shown that excessive amounts of homework for K-5 students have no long-term effect on academic success. Furthermore, depriving pre-school children of play in favor of academic drilling correlates to a negative impact on their attitudes toward learning and academics later in life. Another trap many a good parent falls into is the lure of organized youth activities. While these programs provide many positive benefits for children as they mature, too much time dedicated toward youth development programs, too soon, does not allow children the freedom to explore and discover their creative selves: there is little time nor opportunity for divergent thinking opportunities. Provide Creative “Space” As you facilitate free play opportunities for your children, create spaces that encourage problem-solving and creative thought. Opt for old boxes, sheets for fort building, blocks, legos, in short: items that do not lend themselves only to a prescribed method of play. Creative “space” also means distance from adult guidance. Avoid the temptation to “direct” their play. Let them lead: you follow. Play facilitates physical, cognitive, social, and emotional development. Play-based learning lays the important foundation to support academic learning. The beauty of free play is the freedom it allows the brain to wander from one thought to another. This is one of the best ways to encourage creative thought. This free-flow stream of thoughts could be likened to your flash of inspiration in the shower: it is the freedom to think without outside interference. It is gift to be cultivated. JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
C O M I N G S O O N The Growing Room Academy An innovative class-based before and after school enrichment center in the heart of San Ramon. Offering specialized courses such as: art dance technology drama music foreign language sports tutoring science
Transportation available to and from local elementary schools.
925.302.6612 | thegrowingroom.org 2340 San Ramon Valley Blvd (near In-n-Out Burger)
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• 20 weekly classes to choose from including early morning and evening classes • TriValleyTrainer.com for the current schedule and more info
3724 Stanley Blvd, Suite D | Pleasanton CA 94566 | (925) 413-2268 | Dan@TriValleyTrainer.com JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19
[ ENTER TAINMENT ]
East Bay Eateries with Great Outdoor Seating Pete’s Brass Rail and Car Wash There is no Brass Rail, No Car Wash and who the heck is Pete?! Yep, that’s right, Pete’s Brass Rail and Car Wash may have a ‘quirky’ name but it only adds to unique experience you will have dining there. With daily specials like Honey-sriracha popcorn chicken, smoked mozzarella ravioli with grilled chicken and a plethora of craft brews on tap, Pete’s Brass Rail and Car Wash is a gem in the East Bay. 201 Hartz Ave | Danville 925.820.8281 www.petesbrassrail.com
Blue Agave Club
Metro Lafayette
Located in the heart of downtown Pleasanton, Blue Agave Club is known for being the very first restaurant in the area to debut high-end Mexican cuisine. Chef Alexandro maintains a hands-on approach with all the dishes by constantly experimenting and refining old and new dishes. 625 Main St. | Pleasanton 925.417.1225 www.blueagaveclub.com
Merging urban sophistication with a relaxed suburban attitude, Metro Lafayette is a stylish destination serving big city food. With the largest outdoor patio in the east bay, it’s the perfect place for al fresco dining amongst mulberry trees, fragrant lavender and rosemary bushes and trellised vines. 3524 Mt. Diablo Blvd | Lafayette 925.284.4422 www.metrolafayette.com
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[ ENTER TAINMENT ] More great options…
Peasant & the Pear 267 Hartz Ave Danville 925.820.6611 www.thepeasantandthepear.com
Jack’s Restaurant & Bar 60 Crescent Dr. Ste., A Pleasant Hill 925.849.6195 www.jacksrestaurants.com
Scott’s Seafood Grill & Bar 1333 N. California Blvd Walnut Creek 925.934.1300 www.scottswc.com
Maggieray’s Barbeque
Fontina Ristorante
Maggieray’s BBQ, located in Alamo across from Ace Hardware is home to house-smoked tender Ribs, fork-tender Briskets, succulent Pulled Pork and tasty Chicken all prepared in their mesquite burning smoker. 3206 Danville Blvd | Alamo 925.838.1158 www.maggieraysbbq.com
349 Main Street Pleasanton 925.462.9299 www.fontinas-ristorante.com
Fat Maddie’s Grille 2005 Crow Canyon Pl San Ramon 925.355.1975 www.fatmaddiesgrille.com
Lazy Dog Restaurant & Bar 1961 Diamond Blvd Concord 925.849.1221 www.lazydogrestaurants.com
Pizza Antica
The Park Bistro & Bar, located at the Lafayette Park Hotel & Spa combines
3600 Mt. Diablo Blvd Lafayette 925.299.0500
old-world, European charm with fresh, contemporary American approach to
www.pizzaantica.com
The Park Bistro & Bar food and cocktails. Executive Chef Adam Carpenter uses artisanal meats and charcuterie, sustainable seafood and seasonal produce from local farmers. 3287 Mt. Diablo Blvd | Lafayette 925.283.7108 www.parkbistroandbar.com
Shelby’s 2 Orinda Theatre Square Orinda 925.254.9687 www.shelbyseatbetter.com
JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21
[ FAMILY ] Marilyn Butterfield has been providing direct services in infertility since 1987. She is director and owner of Global Fertility Center, an agency providing a wide range of services for surrogacy and ovum donation, as well as infertility counseling and medical and legal referrals. Her background in psychiatric nursing and counseling enables her to carefully screen surrogates and egg donors while offering potential recipients a caring approach to alternative reproduction. Global Fertility Center has been recognized for its qualified staff and professional approach in a field that is currently unregulated. The agency receives referrals from established IVF practices statewide. Prior to founding Global Fertility Center, Butterfield had a private practice in fertility counseling that focused on stress management and problem solving for individuals and groups. Her previous experience also includes seven years as Assistant Director of Adult Community Mental Health Services for San Francisco, where she managed eight clinical service programs handling more than 4,000 clients annually. Butterfield received her master’s degree in psychiatric nursing from the University of California and her bachelor’s degree in nursing from University of Pennsylvania. She has been a frequent speaker at seminars and events focusing on infertility issues, and has been interviewed on infertility trends by U.S. and international press.
How Does Surrogacy Work? by Marilyn Butterfield As a mental Health Nurse, parent by infant and embryo adoption, and surrogacy Program Director, I’ve had a chance to see surrogacy very intimately on a daily basis for the past ten years. I see the task of both couples (prospective parents, surrogate and her partner) as one of intentional kinship. While procreation is the obvious goal, intentional kinship is the hidden goal. Choosing kinfolk may seem to most people an occurrence usually associated with marriage. Divorce and remarriage are often seen as the cause for “blended families” in the U.S. “Intentional kinship” stretches the notion of nuclear family beyond that even of the blended family. Today even churches and community groups have encouraged such types of intentional kinship as “grandparent adoptions” or “Chavarah” (groups that join together for a specific purpose, i.e. to celebrate the Jewish holidays) over a long period of time. I don’t think any of this is new. The importance of children to the survival of the human species is obvious. In ancient cultures, the obligation of having a child for an infertile family member was often taken over by another caring family member. In today’s society, gestational surrogacy is once again becoming a viable way for a family to deal with the problems of infertility. While some people explore adoption, but cannot accept the capriciousness of the adoption alternative, others are willing to use an egg donor and a gestational surrogate to create offspring. Ten years ago, such an alternative seemed statistically much more capricious and futile than adoption. However, this has changed with modern technological advancements. Why intentional kinship? I think we see volition as extremely important to the wellbeing of a potential child. For many people, a planned child is a highly prized goal. To some people adoption feels like profiting from someone else’s misfortune. Feelings of guilt throughout the birth mother’s pregnancy make many adoptive parents hide their feelings of anticipation and joy. After much research on adoption, infertile couples may feel ill equipped to cope with the demands of a crisis pregnancy. Surrogacy enables the participants to feel empowered and joyful since it is a mutually chosen goal. Despite strong feelings of shared purpose there may still be rocky times. I have observed surrogacy go through very predictable stages with every relationship I have facilitated. Despite a soap opera heroine’s (Deirdre Hall) T.V. dramatization of her own surrogacy; this method of family building is still considered novel in mainstream America. Describing the four stages to those considering surrogacy helps to provide a framework for this complex relationship. I call these stages: 1. Courtship/Testing, 2. Honeymoon 3. Detaching 4. Regrouping. I. Courtship/Testing Once matched, the surrogate and prospective parent foursome go through a
22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2014
[ FAMILY ] courtship phase in which they all find out if they have similar world views. Views on such controversial issues as fetal reduction, abortion, child care philosophies and discipline are cautiously explored.
The new first time parents are busy establishing their new
Feelings are labile during this stage. Difficult tasks are occurring in the stage such as contract negotiations and medical evaluations. Misunderstandings can occur as the two couples try to find common ground.
IV. After the birth all participants regroup.
relationship with their child and working to feel “entitled” as parents after infertility. During this phase, contact between the two couples may be sharply reduced.
The surrogate mother retums to her usual role of parenting her own family. Her children are relieved that they have their own mommy all to themselves once again. Later, once balance has been achieved
When a positive pregnancy test results, the couples move to the next stage. II. Honeymoon All parties are proud of their accomplishment. The surrogate is usually idealized by the couple. The two women will often identify very closely with each other. The pregnancy may be vicariously experienced by the prospective mother which reassures the surrogate that the child she is carrying will be cherished. III. The Third State Detaching can begin as the actual childbirth approaches or earlier if pre-term labor requires active involvement of the prospective parents. The task of this phase is one of shifting of roles. The surrogate mother feels tom between her own families’ needs and the drama of the impending birth or pre-term delivery. Misunderstandings again must be handled delicately by professional surrogacy providers. Professional counseling or a professionally led surrogate support group are essential in order to provide a safe place for the surrogate mother so she can accept her ambivalent feelings about this state of the relationship.
separately, both couples will often come together as two separate but related families. GI: metric ties are not the overriding concern as the long term relationship solidifies. The intentional birth parent role of the surrogate mother is seen as important to the well-being of the child created through surrogacy. The new parents begin to grasp that their feelings of love and respect for the surrogate mother and her partner serve to enhance their own positive bonding with their child. They are not seen as a threat once equilibrium is established. Shared pride for the child’s accomplishments are the hallmark of this final stage of intentional kinship that will endure hopefully throughout the child’s life.
Multiple births and pre-term labor actively push the prospective mother into her new role as she advocates for her unbom child. Husbands of both partners’ may sense the tension between the women during this .rapidly moving stage which ends with the birth of the child. The children will need to make sense of the experience in accordance their own developmental level. One fear they may have is “did the baby die.” Photos showing the baby with his/her own family is often reassuring in such cases. It is very important for the surrogate mother to· return to her surrogate support group to express her feelings. JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23
[ EVENTS ]
July July 5
July 12 - 13
Dive In Movie: Frozen Fremont Pool 4550 Foothill Blvd 8:45pm – 10:45pm www.oaklandnet.com
Family Campout Alamo Creek Park Dublin 3:00pm – 10:00am www.ci.dublin.ca.us
July 6
July 13
Jazz in July Civic Center Storytime Room Livermore 2:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net
Shamrock’n Sundays Featuring TW Emerald Glen Park 4:30pm – 7:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us
July 9
July 15
Magical Ventriloquist Tony Borders Rincon Branch Library Livermore 2:30pm www.cityoflivermore.net
Great Stuffed Animal Sleepover Springtown Branch Library Livermore 12:00pm – 8:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net
HAPPY 4th OF JULY!
July 10
July 18
4th of July Parade Stevenson Blvd & Paseo Padre Pkwy Fremont 10:00am – 12:00pm www.fremont.gov
Waterfront Flicks: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Jack London Square Ferry Lawn Begins at Sundown www.jacklondonsquare.com
Children’s Craft Time Rincon Branch Library Livermore 11:30am – 1:30pm www.cityoflivermore.net
July 11
Family Movie in the Courtyard: The Croods Studio One Art Center Oakland 7:30pm – 9:30pm www.oaklandnet.com
Alameda County: July 2 1st Wednesday Street Party Downtown Pleasanton 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net
July 3 Community Picnic Grove Park Playground Berkeley 10:00am – 2:30pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us Family First Night Livermore Farmers’ Market Carnegie Park 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com
July 4
Livermore Fireworks Celebration Downtown Livermore 9:30pm – 10:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net
Movie in the Park: Holes Redwood Heights Recreation Center Oakland 8:30pm – 10:30pm www.oaklandnet.com
July 4th Festival of Family Fun Jack London Square Oakland 11:00am – 4:00pm www.jacklondonsquare.com
Cooltones Concert in the Park Lions Wayside Park Pleasanton 7:00pm – 8:30pm www.pleasantondowntown.net
Science Days at Springtown Springtown Branch Library Livermore 1:00pm – 3:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net
July 11, 18 & 25
Children’s Craft Time Civic Center Library Livermore 10:30am – 2:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net
4th of July Cruise Presidential Yacht Potomac Jack London Square 7:30pm – 10:30pm www.jacklondonsquare.com
July 4, 11, 18 & 25 Downtown Fremont Street Eats Fremont 4:30pm – 9:00pm www.fremont.gov
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Dancing Under the Stars Foot of Broadway Jack London Square 8:30pm – 10:00pm www.jacklondonsquare.com
July 12 Summer Wine Stroll Downtown Pleasanton 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net
July 22
July 24
July 25 Derby Day West Campus Pool Berkeley 1:00pm – 3:00pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us
[ EVENTS ]
July Picnic Flix: Remember the Titans Emerald Glen Park Dublin 8:30pm – 11:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us
July 26 Free Boating Open House Lake Merritt Boating Center 1:00pm – 3:00pm www.oaklandnet.com
July 28 – 31 Youth Academy Dublin Civic Center 9:00am – 12:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us
July 31 Olympic Day Frances Albrier Community Center San Pablo Park Berkeley 10:00am – 12:00pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us
Contra Costa County: July 1 Cool Concord Cars Downtown Concord 5:30pm – 7:30pm www.cityofconcord.org
July 1, 8, 15, 22 & 29 Tuesday Night Blues Downtown Concord 6:30pm – 8:00pm www.cityofconcord.org
July 3, 10, 17, 24 & 31 Music & Market Series Downtown Concord 6:30pm – 8:00pm www.cityofconcord.org
July 4 HAPPY 4th OF JULY! July 4th Jubilee and Parade Downtown Concord Pancake Breakfast: 7:30am Parade: 10:00am www.cityofconcord.org
July 4th Parade Hartz Ave & Railroad Ave Danville 9:00am – 12:30pm www.danville.ca.gov 4th of July Parade Downtown Martinez 8:00am – 10:00pm www.mainstreetmartinez.org
July 11
July 26
Preschool Performance Series Bubble Lady Village Theater Danville 10:00am – 11:00am & 1:00pm – 2:00pm www.danville.ca.gov
Music in the Park: East Bay Mudd Oak Hill Park 6:00pm – 8:00pm www.danville.ca.gov
July 12
July 4th Celebration Commons Park Moraga All Day festivities www.moraga.ca.us
Music in the Park The Niel Diamond Tribute Oak Hill Park Danville 6:00pm – 8:00pm www.danville.ca.gov
Run San Ramon Central Park 10K, 5K & 3K 8:00am www.sanramon.ca.gov
Fun on the Farm Forest Home Farms San Ramon 10:00am – 2:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov
Celebrate America Central Park San Ramon 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov 4th of July Concert & Ice Cream Social Civic Park Walnut Creek 6:00pm www.ci.walnut-creek.ca.us
July 5 & 19 Clayton Summer Concerts The Grove Park Downtown Clayton 6:00pm – 8:30pm www.ci.clayton.ca.us
July 6 & 20 Sunset by the Lake Summer Concert Series Pleasant Hill 6:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us
July 10, 17, 24 & 31 Discovery Thursdays Lindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am – 11:30am Ages: 4 -5 www.wildlife-museum.org
Family Camp Out Rancho Laguna Park Moraga 2:00pm – 10:00am www.moraga.ca.us
July 26 – 27 Relay for Life of Danville Monte Vista High School Danville 9:00am – 9:00am www.danville.ca.gov
July 28
July 13, 20 & 27 Summer Concerts in the Park Central Park 5:30pm www.sanramon.ca.gov
Mini Monday Crazy About Mammals Lindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am – 12:00pm www.wildlife-museum.org
July 17 Hot Summer Nights Car Show Downtown Danville 4:00pm – 9:00pm www.danville.ca.gov
July 18 Moonlight Movies: Independence Day Danville Town Green 6:30pm – 9:30pm www.danville.ca.gov
July 19 Thank You San Ramon! Walk with Your Dog Bark & Ride Park San Ramon 8:30am www.sanramon.ca.gov Chevron Family Theatre Festival Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 10:00am – 4:00pm www.ci.walnut-creek.ca.us
Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!
JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25
[ FAMILY ]
How To Love Unconditionally When You’re Angry by Dr. Laura Markham “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” -- Victor Frankl “Where there is great love, there are always miracles.” – Willa Cather I know, you never actually stop loving your child, even when she acts like a monster and you can’t stand being with her another minute. But unfortunately, the love you feel isn’t the most important factor in your child’s emotional development.
Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone. You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.
The most important factor is whether your child feels loved, unconditionally. Even when she’s acting like a monster! Does she know that she’s lovable, exactly as she is? That she isn’t expected to be perfect? That her anger, disappointment, frustration and sadness are just part of being human, and that she can count on you to help her learn to manage those feelings so she doesn’t have to act on them? You may be wondering how you teach your child those things. The answer is easy, but oh so difficult. You love him unconditionally. Even -- especially -when he’s driving you crazy. Why? Because your child knows you love him when he’s being sweet, generous, and obedient. He’s not so sure you love him when he’s feeling angry, or jealous, or greedy. When he acts like a monster, he’s afraid he IS a monster. But when you: • Can stay lovingly connected to him even as you set limits on his behavior .... He learns that he’s not a bad person, just human. • Can resist lashing out at him even when you’re “justifiably” angry....He learns from your modeling how to regulate his emotions. • Can remember to empathize as you set limits, so he WANTS to follow them..... He learns self-discipline. • Can accept that he’s an immature human who naturally makes mistakes..... He learns that mistakes are part of growing, and what matters is noticing, repairing, and planning ahead to avoid the mistake next time. • Can love him through his upsets....He learns that feelings are manageable, not dangerous, and that he’s ok, complete with all those inconvenient feelings. It’s that self-acceptance that helps him manage those feelings so he doesn’t have to act them out. Healing our ability to love unconditionally means that we commit to parenting from love, not anger. Of course, that doesn’t mean you won’t get angry at your child. And we all know we don’t feel very loving at those moments. Loving unconditionally when you’re furious isn’t easy. In fact, it’s such heavy lifting
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[ FAMILY ] of the heart that it builds real love muscle. But nothing changes your child’s behavior quite as quickly. Instead of unloading your anger on this small person entrusted to your care and guidance, can you teach yourself to take a deep breath and a few minutes to calm yourself?
teachable moments into learnable moments by waiting
The key is to enlarge that space between your child’s stimulus and your reaction, so that you have the freedom to choose a response that heals. Then you’ll be able to show up as a real teacher for your child, and help her process her upset constructively. How?
those messy, passionate emotions that make us human.
1. When you’re angry, shift your attention away from your child and concentrate on calming yourself. Forget about teaching your child lessons unless you’re in a state of love and can teach lovingly. A teachable moment is always when both people are receptive and positive. Anger and punishment are never based in love, because your child never feels love when he’s feeling your anger. (In fact, he’s in fight, flight or freeze, which means the learning parts of the brain shut down.) 2. What if your child “deserves” your anger? You’re always entitled to your anger, but it’s always YOUR anger, not the other person’s responsibility. In any case, that’s not a judgment you can make while you’re angry. 3. What if your child’s behavior requires “discipline”? Discipline means guidance. Your guidance will be a lot more effective once you’re calm. It’s our job as parents to be our child’s role model in handling emotions constructively. That means never acting on our anger from that “fight, flight or freeze” place where our child looks like the enemy and we have to “win” while our child has to “lose.” 4. But isn’t it healthy to express your anger? Dumping your anger on another person is never healthy; it just reinforces your rage. What’s healthy is to acknowledge how you feel -- angry -- and then be brave enough to pause and notice what’s under your anger -- hurt, fear, sadness, disappointment. Once you’ve calmed down, you’ll be better able to take care of your own hurt places, and also intervene so your child learns how to manage her behavior better. 5. Doesn’t he need to learn a lesson? Of course, but rage is not the lesson you want to teach. If you make your
until your child is receptive, your teaching will stick. Your child will get something even better than the lesson about behavior -- lessons about self-regulation. And just as important, the unshakable conviction that he is wholly and unconditionally loved exactly as he is, including all
Notice I didn’t say this would be easy. But every time you manage your anger instead of dumping it onto your child, it gets easier. You’re actually re-wiring your brain! Just keep practicing, finding that moment of freedom between the stimulus (your child’s behavior) and your own response. Noticing is what gives us a choice next time. Loving unconditionally is “Win-Win” parenting. That’s because not acting on your anger creates more space for love. And where there is more love, there is always more room for miracles.
Century Landscape & Gardening Residential and Business Maintenance All work Guaranteed!
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Call Today 925-819-0266
centurylandscape55@hotmail.com JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Your Local GUIDE to Farmers Markets! Alameda County:
Clayton Downtown Clayton Saturdays: 8:00am – 12:00pm www.ci.clayton.ca.us
Pittsburg Old Town Plaza Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.oldtownpittsburgca.com
North Berkeley Shattuck Ave @ Rose St. Thursdays: 3:00pm – 7:00pm www.ecologycenter.org/fm
Concord Todos Santos Plaza Tuesdays: 10:00am – 2:00pm Thursdays: 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.concord.ca.us
Pleasant Hill Downtown Plaza Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us
South Berkeley Adeline St and 63rd St. Tuesdays: 2:00pm – 6:30pm www.ecologycenter.org/fm
Danville Railroad Ave and Prospect Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.co.contra-costa.ca.us
Dublin Emerald Glen Park Thursdays: 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.dublin.ca.gov
El Ceritto El Cerrito Plaza Tuesdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.co.contra-costa.ca.us
Fremont Bay St. and Trimboly Way Sundays: 9:00am – 2:00pm www.pcfma.com
Kensington Oakview Ave between Colusa Circle and Santa Fe Ave Sundays: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.kensingtonfarmersmarket.org
Downtown Berkeley Center St. @ M.LKing Jr. Way Saturdays: 10:00am – 3:00pm www.ecologycenter.org/fm
Livermore Carnegie Park at 3rd & J St. Thursdays: 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com Oakland Jack London Square Water St. between Franklin & Broadway Sundays: 9:00am – 2:00pm www.pcfma.com Pleasanton Main & W. Angela St. Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.pcfma.com
Contra Costa County: Antioch Somersville Towne Center Sundays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.facebook.com/AntiochFarmersMarket Brentwood First St. between Chestnut and Oak St. 8:00am – 12:00pm www.everythingbrentwood.com
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Lafayette Lafayette BART Sundays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.urbanvillageonline.com/ markets/lafayette Martinez Court St. near Main Thursdays: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.cityofmartinez.org Martinez Main St. between Alhambra Ave and Castro St. Sunday: 10:00am – 2:00pm www.cityofmartinez.org Moraga Moraga Rd. and Moraga Way Sundays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.localharvest.org Orinda Orinda Way Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.cccfm.org
San Ramon Bishop Ranch #3 – 2641 Camino Ramon Thursdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.sanramonfarmersmarket. wordpress.com San Ramon Bishop Ranch #2 – 2680 Bishop Dr. Saturdays: 9:00am – 1:00pm www.sanramonfarmersmarket. wordpress.com San Ramon 5261 Sherwood Way Wednesdays: 3:00pm – 8:00pm www.sanramonfarmersmarket. wordpress.com Walnut Creek North Locust Sundays: 9:00am – 2:00pm www.cccfm.org
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
Dr. Ozzie Jafarnia
DDS, Board Certified
Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry
Dr. Noyan Aynechi DDS, Board Certified
Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry
Nothing is more beautiful than your child’s smile!
Welcome to Danville Pediatric Dentistry and Orthodontics! ! Our office is committed to providing excellent preventative care for children in a warm, positive, and compassionate environment. We specialize in comprehensive dental care for children of all ages with an emphasis on prevention and health. As your child grows, we are able to provide comprehensive orthodontic care for children and teens. This is to help create and maintain a healthy smile into adulthood. We will do so by providing excellent treatment at the right time for the right reason with integrity, honesty and a caring heart.
Your child’s smile is our top priority. We are committed to making it the happiest, healthiest and straightest smile possible. After all, nothing is more beautiful than your child's smile! 4145 Blackhawk Plaza Circle, Ste. 203, Danville
Dr. Reem Stephanos DDS, MS
925-837-7745 • drozzie.com
Specialist in Orthodontics
PERSONALIZED INSTRUCTION FOR ADULTS, CHILDREN AND TODDLERS. SUMMER CAMPS & HORSEMANSHIP CLINICS
.............................................
Coaching for the beginner and competitive show rider. CALL NOW FOR MORE INFO:
925.960.9696
............................................. Ask for:
Samantha Lazone & Barbara EnDean •
5111 Dolan Rd, Livermore CA 94551
www.showstables.com
Foundations Tutoring Building a Brighter Future Unlock Your Child's Potential
One-on-one tutoring programs in reading, writing, and math Intensive, multi-sensory interventions that really work! Steady, permanent progress that won't fade
Some warning signs of reading challenges Choppy reading; often ignores punctuation Slow reading rate, or reading may be fast and inaccurate Doesn’t enjoy reading for pleasure Makes errors such as substituting, adding, changing, repeating & leaving out words Unable to sound out unknown words Spelling difficulties Poor grades/and or test scores Mention Active Families and receive 10% off an initial assessment www.FoundationsTutoring.org 4713 First Street, suite 150 Pleasanton, CA 94566 925-425-0652
JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29
[ FAMILY ]
How We Say It Makes or Breaks Connection by Bonnie Harris, MS Ed Communication is the core of the parent/child relationship. Communication makes or breaks connection. It’s not so much what we say but how we say it that conveys meaning to our children. We may intend to teach a lesson or get a point across but our tone of voice and body language determine whether our child hears what we intend or an entirely different message.
Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, director of Connective Parenting, has been a child behavior and parenting specialist for twenty-five years. Based on her highly acclaimed books, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live, Bonnie counsels parents via phone and Skype, teaches parenting workshops, leads professional trainings and speaks internationally. The mother of two grown children, she lives in New Hampshire where she founded The Parent Guidance Center. To learn more, visit her website at www.bonnieharris.com.
“What is it you want?” can be said with genuine curiosity and encouragement or with criticism and judgment. One reading tells the child, What you want is important to me. A different reading says, You are an annoyance and an inconvenience. Leave me alone. Good communication requires knowing when to ask questions and when to make statements. There are times for each. Usually we pick exactly the wrong time. Imagine your child is clearly upset, which may show up directly in her emotions or in acting out behavior. This is the time when we want to know what is going on and so we typically ask: • What’s wrong? • Why are you so angry? • Why did you hit your sister? Or we cannot avoid the temptation to get our teaching in there: • When are you going to learn to just walk away? • Why do you keep provoking her?
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[ FAMILY ] Sometimes we project our own experience and make assumptions with leading questions:
If your child feels your genuine concern, your statement is likely to prompt his response and more conversation will follow. If your child doesn’t like to talk or isn’t ready, there
• Didn’t that make you feel like you were all alone? • You thought you were being pushed out, didn’t you?
is no pressure since you haven’t asked a question. Your
When we want our children to express their emotions, we are tempted to ask questions—the last thing kids want to hear. Questions at this stage can block communication rather than open it, especially when children are not sure how their answers will be received.
After connection is made and your child feels
Questions feel like a setup to a child leaving him thinking, • Mom doesn’t want to know how I feel, she just wants me to do what she wants. • Do I answer what I think she wants to hear or what I know she doesn’t? • What’s Dad after? Will I get in trouble if I tell the truth? Instead of blocking communication, we need to build bridges that invite our children to tell us what’s going on—if they know. In order to do that, they need to trust that we are not leading them in the direction that suits our agenda, trust that we can hear something tough and not tell them what to do about it, trust that we will not be dismissive. We teach them to distrust with the following questions:
statement lets him know that you care.
understood, it’s time for problem solving. This is the stage when we are most tempted to make statements and tell our children what to do or fix the problem for them. • You need to tell her to stop calling you names. • Just walk away and leave him alone. • Stand up for yourself and give him a good punch in the nose. • If you want to get on the team, I’ll talk to the coach. He owes me one. • Don’t let anyone talk to you like that. I’m calling your teacher. Instead, it’s best to lead their thought process and guide them toward finding their own solutions. • What is it you want him to do? • What do you think he needs from you in order to do that? • How do you think doing that would work? Would that get you what you want?
• You can’t talk to him like that. Don’t you know what that will lead to? • Your friend hit you and pushed you down? Oh my darling, are you alright? I’m getting on the phone with his mother right now. • Oh come on, you don’t really feel upset about a silly thing like that, do you? • You do, too, get what you want. Just yesterday we went to the park, remember? Building bridges for opening up emotionally means statements of understanding and validation. Think period at the end rather than question mark. • It looks like you’re feeling really upset about something. I’d like to know what that’s about. • I bet if I were you, I’d feel pretty confused about what she said. • I wonder if you’re feeling left out. I can imagine that would hurt. • Or simply listen attentively.
If your child is stuck, ask if he’d like your help, but be sure to respect that your solution might not be right for your child. • Do you want my opinion? • When something like that happens to me, I feel better when I say something about it/apologize. We love to tell our kids what they should do. But when we do, we project ourselves into their experience based on what we would do in their shoes. Not only are we adults with our life experience (usually our justification for directing them), but we are different people. Our children need to know how to solve their problems in ways that work for them, learning through trial and error, so when we’re not in the picture, they can approach a problem feeling strong and confident. Is there a better life lesson? JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
Aqua Adventure Waterpark Family Fridays 4-8pm enterance fee only $8
music, art & games
Experienced, dynamic teachers Ages toddlers to teens Small class sizes
during weekdays in July Offers may not be combined and only good weekdays, non-holidays in July 2014.
(510) 790-5529 40500 Paseo Padre Pkwy., Fremont
• Safe • Affordable • Family Fun • Entertainment
Mention ACTIVE FAMILY and receive a FREE first time trial class!
www.vivaelespanol.org • 925-962-9177
Lafayette • Pleasanton • And schools all over the Bay Area
CHRISTIAN
E L E M E N TA R Y S C H O O L
creating great experiences
SAVE THE DATE! Weird AnimAls summer dAy CAmp is going to be a blast! God filled the world with a lot of crazy creatures...including you! When kids feel weird, different, or even lost in a crowd, nothing compares to the extraordinary love of Jesus. We’ll have a crazy, weird, fun time of discovering just how much He loves each one of us! CAmp sChedule | June 16 – August 8. Questions? Contact our Camp Director, Josh Harper, at jharper@valleychristianschools.org or (925) 560-6276.
Visit our website for information on our open houses and our upcoming infant/toddler program! Preschool - 12th Grade | 7500 Inspiration Drive | Dublin, CA 94568 | (925) 560-6262 | ValleyChristianschools.org
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r Join us fo g, in ll te y r s to a , g mes music, art F UN f & TONS o ñol! sp - in e a
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Spanish Immersion Classes & Camps Engaging curriculum uses
(please present the ad on your smart phone or print and bring in to receive discount!)
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ] Visit our website for regular classes and summer program schedules!
Disney Vocal Camp
July 14 – 18, or July 28 –Aug 1, 1:00 – 3:00pm, $150
Piano Camp for Beginners
July 14 – 18, or July 28 –Aug 1, 1:00 – 3:00pm, $150
Honors Ensemble for Violin & Piano Weekly during the summer, $200
Little People Care Services is an engaging preschool offering a nurturing learning environment through play! New theme every week with daily activities and lesson plans.
FLEXIBLE HOURS OFFERED MONDAY – FRIDAY! LOCATED IN DUBLIN RANCH
2340 Santa Rita Rd., Suite 7, Pleasanton, CA inspiremusicacademy.com 925-461-3266
Licensed by the state of CA, CPR, First Aid and Nutrition certified! Background check, TB tested and fingerprinted!
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A structured extended day program to encourage positive behavior and self-discipline JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33
[ FITNESS ]
Katherine Brooking is a Registered Dietitian with a Master’s Degree in Nutrition Education from Columbia University. She is dedicated to helping people achieve better health and richer lives through sound nutrition and healthy lifestyles. She has been a contributor to top-tier national morning shows including the TODAY show, Live with Regis & Kelly, The Early Show on CBS, Good Morning America Health as well as dozens of local affiliate stations across the country. As a writer covering health and wellness topics, Katherine has contributed to SELF Magazine, Prevention, Cooking Light and Woman’s Day and other leading news publications including The Washington Post, Huffington Post and New York Daily News. Katherine is the co-author of The Real Skinny: 101 Fat Habits & Slim Solutions. For more information go to www.appforhealth.com.
Get Back on Track to Shed Pounds for Summer by Katherine Bookings, MS, RD Get Back on Track to Shed Pounds for Summer Let’s face it: even the most determined and motivated dieter can fall off the proverbial weight loss wagon. In fact, many people seeking to lose weight report having tried multiple times (and failed) before finding the right diet and fitness program for the long term. So if you’ve found that instead of shedding pounds your weight has been steadily creeping up, here are 5 tips to help you get back on track toward your weight goal: 1) Assess the damage. Do you have scale-its? You know, that nagging fear that comes when you notice your pants fitting more snugly (or not at all) and that keeps you from stepping on the scale to see your actual weight? What you don’t know may hurt you. So be brave and “measure” where you are today. Once you see the number, you can assess how far off you are from you actual weight goal. Knowing where you are today is the first step toward acknowledging and remedying the problem. 2) Don’t Beat Yourself Up. So often in life, we are our own worst enemy. Don’t let weight gain (or re-gain) bring you down. If you had planned to lose 20 pounds this summer, but found instead that you gained 5, you may be
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[ FITNESS ] tempted to throw in the towel, but don’t! Use this temporary set back instead to start a food journal. This will help you identify where you may be going off track. Keeping a daily record of what you eat and how much you exercise is one of the best weapons in your weight loss arsenal. It will help keep you accountable… to yourself. 3) Buddy Up. Speaking of accountability… start building a support network. Avoid those who overtly or covertly undermine your weight loss efforts (you know who they are!) and forge connections with friends or family members who genuinely support your healthy weight goals. Within this group, finding a “fitness friend” –or two — can go along way toward keeping you on track. I know for me, it’s near impossible to wake up at 6am to go jogging alone. But if I make a commitment to a friend that I’ll meet her at 6am, I’ll be there no matter what. (It’s also a great way to catch up with your friends!!) 4) Get Thee to a Grocery. One of the reasons why many people fail to reach their weight goal or re-gain lost
weight is because they often eat out, eat on the go, or simply eat the wrong things at home. When it comes to long-term weight loss, being prepared is more than half the battle. Healthy eating starts at home, by preparing and serving healthy meals in moderate portions. Get some inspiration by looking at healthy, delicious recipes (check out www.appforhealth.com) and then go grocery shopping. Bring home only healthy foods and snacks and make sure they are readily available. Go through your pantry and fridge/freezer and toss all the junk food items and empty calorie treats. 5) If you feel you are solidly “in a rut” seek professional help. If you have been unsuccessful in your weight loss efforts after trying just about everything or if your weight constantly yo-yos, don’t be afraid to reach out for professional help. Overweight and obesity can have many causes: medical, psychological, genetic, or a combination of all three. If you cannot figure out on your own why you aren’t losing weight, meet with a registered dietitian or MD specializing in weight management. They can help you identify what’s keeping the weight on… and assist you in the path to success.
25% discount off Pl acement fees for Active Family readers!
After School Childcare Because after school care isn’t an after thought. Your child’s day isn’t over when the school bell rings. Our after school nannies are active role models for active children. We’ll fit your family’s schedule, interests and lifestyle.
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phone 925.550.6738 web collegenannies.com/danvilleca JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 35
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Water Parks & Splash Spots It’s going to be a sizzling summer! Check out some of the best Water Parks and Splash Spots the Bay Area has to offer to keep your family cool. Alameda County: Aqua Adventure Waterpark 40500 Paseo Padre Pkwy Fremont 510.494.4426 www.goaquaadventure.com
This summer come experience Aqua Adventure’s twisty waterslides, 700-foot Lazy River and Little Squirt Play area! Enjoy live music courtesy of the Saddle Rack from 5:00pm - 6:30pm in Morris Cover every Family Friday this summer. Bring a lawn chair or use one of theirs! Entrance fee is only $8 Emerald Glen Park 4201 Central Pkwy Dublin 925.556.4500 www.ci.dublin.ca.us
Castro Valley Park Splash Pad 18988 Lake Chabot Rd Castro Valley 510.881.9897 www.haywardrec.org
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Contra Costa County: Prewett Family Waterpark 4701 Lone Tree Way Antioch 925.776.3070 www.ci.antioch.ca.us/CitySvcs/Prewett
Located in Antioch, the Prewtt Family Water Park is home to many attractions to stay cool - check out their Otter Slide, Humphrey Slide, Rattlers Run, Canyon Cooler or Crystal Slide, to name a few.
[ SEASONAL FUN ] Waterworld California 1950 Waterworld Pkwy Concord 925.609.1364 www.waterworldcalifornia.com
Gilroy Gardens Family Theme Park Water Oasis 3050 Hecker Pass Hwy Gilroy 408.840.7100 www.gilroygardens.org
Meadow Homes Spraypark 1351 Detroit Ave Concord 925.671.3366 www.cityofconcord.org/recreation/sports/ swimming.htm
El Cerrito Splash Park 7007 Moeser Lane El Cerrito 510.559.7011 www.el-cerrito.org
Worth the Drive: Silliman Activity and Family Aquatic Center 6800 Mowry Ave Newark 510.578.4620 www.ci.newark.ca.us/departments/ recreation-and-community-services/aquatics/
Mitchel Park 600 E Meadow Dr. Palo Alto 650.463.4900 www.cityofpaloalto.org
Water Oasis…Is Water Play! Imagine if your child could play in a Water Oasis. A place where technology and nature combine, surrounded by palm trees and nestled in the foothills of the Santa Cruz Mountains. A place where children learn how to conserve water by playing in it. This half acre water attraction features three unique play elements: Water Journey, Lagoon and Splash Pad. Get soaked by giant flowers, pump and direct the flow of water, slide into a lagoon or just sit in an Adirondack chair and sip a lemonade. Whatever you choose...it’s A Cool Way to Play! Six Flags Discovery Kingdom 1001 Fairgrounds Dr. Vallejo 707.643.6722 www.sixflags.com/discoverykingdom
Raging Waters 2333 S. White Rd San Jose 408.238.9900 www.rwsplash.com
Boomerang Bay at California’s Great America 4701 Great America Pkwy Santa Clara 408.988.1776 www.cagreatamerica.com
Take a ride on Castaway Creek, their lazy river or let the kids run around Kookaburra Cay, equipped with a ‘sprayground’ including interactive fountains and other water activities. Don’t forget to slide on over to Jackaroo Landing, their family-oriented, multi-level water fortress complete with slides, bridges and rope ladders!
Howarth Park 630 Summerfield Rd Santa Rosa 707.543.3425 www.howarthpark.com
* Note: Due to the severe drought, please check the individual websites for hours of operation for water features as some parks have reduced usage.
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[ FAMILY ]
The Childcare Dilemma What’s the Best Option for Your Family?
Nanny, Au Pair, Preschool, Daycare, Babysitter…the list goes on and on! Finding the best childcare option for your family is indeed a daunting task. There are also many factors that should be taken into account when looking for a childcare provider: Education, background, cost, and training are some of the main features to consider. We asked our readers what their #1 regret was when searching for childcare options, the top response: Give yourself enough time to thoroughly research your options! Pregnant, have a young infant, about ready to go back to work? There is no such thing as starting your search too soon. Where do you start? First, get your toes wet before jumping right in. Put some feelers out, ask other parents what they do for their child care needs, what they like/don’t like, what other options they have explored and why they decided to choose the option they did. Each option mentioned below is different and unique and what works for one family may not be the best fit for another. Take into consideration 38 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2014
[ FAMILY ] your child’s personality and your needs as well. Do you work late hours? Do you need care on weekends? Is budget a huge issue? Does your child do better one on one vs. a group setting?
transporting her to your family’s home. You simply need to start the matching process to find the au pair best suited for your family. To learn more and reach a local Cultural Care Representative, call 925-789-0709 today!
The Choices: Nanny A nanny is employed by a family in either a live-in or live-out basis. The function of a nanny is to essentially be responsible for all care of the children in the home in a largely unsupervised setting. Duties are typically focused on childcare and any household chores or tasks related to the children. A nanny may or may not have any formal training; however, many have significant actual experience. A nanny typically works full-time at least 40 hours a week.
Babysitter Temporarily cares for children while their parents/ guardians are away for work assignments, date nights or other short-term or last minute situations. Babysitters are available for children of all age groups. Experience can vary. Some will simply watch the child and play games while others can cook, clean, help with homework, and drive to activities or various other duties. Most babysitting jobs are part-time, paid by the hour for special occasions or regularly scheduled work.
College Nannies and Tutors in Danville offers a complete set of placement and on-call childcare services specifically tailored to the needs of busy families and working professionals. By allowing College Nannies to handle all the details of finding a qualified nanny or babysitter and employing them directly, you can enjoy hassle free childcare with no worries. Having a College Nanny childcare professional in your home is a great way to enhance your family’s quality of life. Contact them at 925.550.6738 or visit them online at: www. collegenanniesandtutors.com Au Pair A young adult between the age of 18-30 who lives with your family and provides in-home childcare services. Coming from outside the US, this type of childcare provides a great cultural exchange experience. A surprisingly affordable option, Au Pairs can work up to 45 hours a week and are paid a state-mandated stipend in exchange for the room and board. Agency fees also apply. This childcare option typically provides more flexibility for your family’s schedule. Be sure to define your needs before starting your Au Pair search and make sure they have training in CPR, first aid and child development. Cultural Care Au Pair’s childcare and cultural exchange program offers families affordable childcare customized to their needs with a unique international perspective. Their dedicated Cultural Care offices in over 20 countries take care of screening and training each au pair — helping her obtain her visa, providing her insurance, and
SeekingSitters San Francisco East Bay Inland families can Rely on a local owner, and mom, to personally work for them by finding a Certified Professional Babysitter or Nanny Alternative for their specific childcare need, and Certified Professional Sitters for Pet Sitting, House Sitting, and Study Support in the East Bay. They provide convenience to busy families by offering online services for scheduling, invoice tracking and sitter profile review. And most importantly, with SeekingSitters you know you are using a service you can Trust. All Certified Professional Sitters have extensive experience and have been thoroughly background screened at no additional cost to their family members. Call Seeking Sitters today at 925-309-9711 or www.seekingsitters.com In-Home Child Care/Daycare Offering a structured daycare service for infants and pre-school aged children. They provide all day or part-time care for working families with play-based developmental programs. Meals are usually provided at day care centers catering to primary school children for before and after school, and during school holidays. Typically children are separated based on age, stage and ability. Little People Childcare Services in Dublin offers a safe and engaging in-home preschool environment through play-based learning. New theme every week with daily activities and lesson plans, nutritious meals and caring staff. Licensed by the state of CA, CPR, First Aid and Nutrition certified! Background checked, TB tested and fingerprinted! Call today to schedule a tour: 925-640-9909/littlepeoplechildcare@ymail.com JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 39
[ FAMILY ]
Pointers & Questions to ask from the Experts from Care.com:
Pre-school A quality preschool program includes the following components for children and their families: 1. A safe and engaging environment that prepares children for Kindergarten 2. Teachers whose professional background prepares them to show warmth, form supportive relationships with children, model enthusiasm, and show regard for students’ voices 3. Teachers who have learned through their professional preparation the best ways to maintain order in the class and help students regulate their own behavior 4. Rigorously educated teachers who set goals to help children become productive, responsible, curious and active learners by modeling advanced language and teaching them ways of thinking in literacy, math, and science 5. A focus on helping every child to learn, develop, and gradually do things independently 6. Daily opportunities for communication between parents and teachers 7. Expectations for professional growth and development of teaching staff Primrose is an accredited private preschool that provides a premier educational child care experience. The Leader in Educational Child Care®, we partner with parents to help children build the right foundation for future learning and life. Our goal is to help children have fun while building Active Minds, Healthy Bodies and Happy Hearts®. 40 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2014
• Tour the facility! View first-hand what type of activities they offer, is it clean and organized, are there age-appropriate toys, how does the staff interact and treat the children? • What is the emergency plan for intruders, fire, earthquakes? • What does their security entail? How are children accounted for, signed in/out? • Know the licensing requirements for your state. • Is the facility accredited by any specific organizations? • What ages do they take? • What is the teacher to child ratio? • Do the children have to be potty trained? • Are children separated based on age groups? • What is their sick child policy? • Are naps provided for younger children? • Where do they nap and for how long? To access the care.com website and services, go to www.care.com Care.com launched in the U.S. in 2007 and today, they are the world’s largest online marketplace for finding and managing family care, with more than 10.7 million members, spanning 16 countries. On average, four out of five families subscribing to their site find their caregiver on Care.com, and a new job is posted every 30 seconds in the U.S.. As a one-stop-shop for families to meet all their care needs, they understand that one size doesn’t fit all. Their goal is to provide families with as many options as possible so everyone can find the care that best fits their unique needs.
Kids LoveShelby Us, J. Smith, DDS,Us MS, PC Parents Trust Pediatric Dentistry and Orthodontics
Kids Love Us, Parents Trust Us Over the past 20 years, Dr. Shelby has developed the reputation for being one of the most successful dentists in treating fearful and special needs children. Her gentle and low-key approach has helped thousands of kids have a great experience. Working with their parents, Dr. Shelby and her staff have been successful treating many children who otherwise might have been sedated. In addition, Dr. Shelby has a degree in Orthodontics so as her patients grow, the transition into braces is more comfortable. Seeing the smiles on the faces of her patients as they grow from tiny tots to confident teens is one of the great joys of her life.
Call Today for your Appointment 925.755.5115 Meet Pollyanna... The World’s Smallest Dental Professional
2213 Buchanan Road, Suite 112 Antioch, California 94509 www.DrShelby.com JULY 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 41
[ FAMILY ]
Jim Taylor, Ph.D., Psychology, has worked with young people, parents and educators for more than 27 years. Jim is the author of 14 books, four of which are parenting books. Jim has appeared on NBC’s Today Show, Fox News Channel, ABC’s World News This Weekend, and the major television network affiliates around the country. He has participated in many radio shows. Dr. Taylor has been an expert source for articles that have appeared in The London Telegraph, The Los Angeles Times, The New York Daily News, The Chicago Tribune, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Outside, Men’s Health, and many other newspapers and magazines. Jim lives north of San Francisco with his wife, Sarah, and his daughters, Catie and Gracie. To learn more, visit www.drjimtaylor.com.
My Kids Don’t Fear Me (But Is That a Good Thing?)
by Dr. Jim Taylor I have two daughters, ages 8 and 6. Overall, they’re pretty good kids, generally kind and mostly cooperative. But like most children their age, they are often stubborn, frequently resistant and occasionally disrespectful of my wife and me. I may ask them to put their shoes on so they can leave for school in the morning. Or they may not have brought their dishes to the sink after dinner. Or it’s time for them to put their pajamas on at bedtime. But in any of these situations, they don’t budge. My daughters are darned skilled at coming up with ways to avoid fulfilling their responsibilities. They might ignore me. They might say, “Wait!” They might say, “Just one more minute... please!” Now, I know what you’re thinking: My wife and I don’t set expectations and we don’t have consequences. We give in easily and we’re inconsistent. We let them slide on their responsibilities. To the contrary! We never, ever give in to them. We are loving, but also very firm. They always end up doing what we ask. But not always when we want or how we want. As the author of four parenting books and a so-called parenting expert, I have quite a toolbox (or should I say arsenal?) at my disposal to encourage them to cooperate (or should I say bend them to my will?). I get their full attention by making eye contact and using their names (“One, two three, eyes on me.”) I ask them to stop what they are doing and listen to me. I remind them of their responsibilities. I ask them when I can expect them to do what I ask. But, unless I want to be there all day, these enlightened parenting strategies don’t always work.
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[ FAMILY ] As their stalling continues, I begin to get frustrated. I’m not a yeller, but I do raise my voice to get their attention and the frustration in my voice is clear. That’s when, if all else fails, I threaten them with consequences. Now, let’s put this discussion on pause for a few seconds and have a brief history lesson on child-rearing. In previous generations and in other cultures, in general, parents were tough on their children. There were ironclad expectations and often severe consequences for disobedience (that’s the old-school taboo word for lack of cooperation) usually in the form of corporal punishment, otherwise known as spankings, whippings and beatings. My elder daughter’s favorite books are the Little House series by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I can tell you there was no disobedience in the Ingalls household! Not only couldn’t children talk without being spoken to, but, for example, in church, the children couldn’t even move or look around, lest they get a whuppin’. The Ingalls children did what they were told when they were told to the fullest extent of their ability every time. The fact is that children feared their parents back in the day. Yet, at least in the Ingalls family, the kids loved their father and grew up to be decent and productive members of society. So, is a little fear really that bad a thing for children to feel toward their parents? Now, back to the present. One thing is very clear in our family and, I would assume, most families in America today: Children no longer fear their parents (I want to be sensitive to the families in which abuse occurs and don’t mean to diminish the harm it has on children). The fact is that any consequences I give my daughters aren’t really that bad. So I send them to their room. “Ho hum.” Or I take away reading for the evening “Whatever.” (Please, no comments about the value of different consequences as that is an entirely different conversation). There is an immense difference between having to face boredom and a sore rear end. This is what I conclude about children fearing their parents. Every day I wish my children feared me even just a little bit. I am quite sure they would be much more cooperative and life would be a lot easier for my wife and me. Fear would produce great short-term results in terms of respect and cooperation, not to mention getting things done sooner, getting places faster, and generally
having less family stress. But, in the end, as attractive as it might be on those days when our daughters are being difficult and nothing I do seems to work, I just can’t go there. Fear and healthy long-term development just don’t play well together. As a behavior modification tool, fear may be pretty effective in the short run, but the costs are just too high. Fear in childhood creates stress, insecurity, anxiety, and a host of other psychological, emotional, and physical problems later in life. Plus, when children who live in fear become parents, they use fear on their own children. My wife and I take the long view in raising our daughters. We’re willing to suffer the stubbornness, power struggles and occasional tantrums that are an inevitable part of family life so our girls can reap the benefits in the future. So my daughters aren’t always as cooperative as I would like them to be. So they don’t fear me, even a little bit. I can live with that. I’ll take their love, healthy development and a little feistiness any day.
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[ FAMILY ]
BOR-ing Summer Days:
Could They Actually Be Good for Kids? by Dr. Meg Meeker For all of you parents riding the subway to work racked with guilt because your kids are at home with the sitter or at Grandma’s bored to tears, I have good news. Boredom is actually good for kids. Particularly over-scheduled, overstimulated, over-entertained privileged kids. The problem is, having our kids bored makes us feel like terrible parents. Here’s why it shouldn’t. Boredom challenges a child’s imagination. When kids are constantly stimulated with planned activities, movies, playdates, sleepovers, video games or movies, their minds have little work to do. Rather than thinking about how to fill time and space, kids simply have to move from one spot to another and have fun. The truth is, not having to engage the mind actually gets boring for kids. We need to remind ourselves when our kids moan about having to figure out what to do that this is not only good for kids, it is crucial to healthy psychological development. Without it, their imaginations won’t expand and they will grow into adults who are used to being entertained, not challenged. Who wants to be with an adult like that? Dr. Meeker is a pediatrician, who has practiced pediatric and adolescent medicine for 25 years. She is the author of six books including the best-selling Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: Ten Secrets Every Father Should Know; Boys Should Be Boys; Your Kids At Risk;, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose and Sanity; Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30 Day Challenge and Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men, (Ballantine) April 2014. She is a popular speaker on pediatric health issues and child-parent relationships. Dr. Meeker is co-host and physician-inresidence of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk Radio. She is also Assistant Clinical Professor at Michigan State University College of Human Medicine and currently teaches medical students and physicians in residency training. She is board certified with the American Board of Pediatrics and is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Dr. Meeker serves on the National Advisory Board of the Medical Institute. She has been married to her husband, Walter for 32 years. They have shared a medical practice for over 20 years. They have three grown daughters and a grown son. She lives in northern Michigan.
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Boredom sharpens their sensibilities Just like eating too much ice cream dulls our ability to enjoy dessert, constant exposure to entertainment dulls our child’s appreciation for stimulation. When we take them from one activity to another without any “boring” time in between, we blunt their sensitivity to joy of the activity. Kids who are faced with an afternoon without any friends, activities or electronics to entertain them are forced to create fun from nothing. After they have succeeded (and yes, they will if you don’t cave in and plan something for them) then when they go to camp or to a friend’s house for a sleep-over, the fun is amplified. Boredom Brings a sense of peace A person who can enjoy his own company lives with a sense of calm. He is not afraid of hearing himself think, doesn’t feel the need to fill quiet with the noise of a television or his Ipod. He can be still alone because he doesn’t fear being alone. The same is true for children. A child who learns to play on his own learns to enjoy his own company. This is extremely important because if he can’t be alone, he lives with an underlying fear that no one will be around to help him have fun. He becomes dependent on others to make sure that he has fun and he subconsciously feels uneasy because he worries that they might stop one day and then he will be faced with his own inadequacies. Unfortunately, loving, conscientious parents unknowingly put their children in this position because we feel that it is our responsibility to entertain our children. Rather than challenge our kids, we quell their creative powers by stepping in as the director of entertainment. In doing this, we rob them of the deep peace that they need to never fear being left to themselves to find fun.
[ FAMILY ] I challenge you this summer to do something extraordinary for your child. Make room in his life for boring space and time so that he can develop some life changing skills. Here’s how you can start. 1. When he cries that he’s bored, resist the temptation to turn on the screen. Whether it’s a video game, television or internet game, keep it unplugged for at least six hours of the day. Make him find a book, a tree, a puzzle or something tangible that will get his imaginative juices flowing. You will be amazed at what he finds to entertain himself and- how much better of a mood he will be in when discovers that he is successful. 2. Ditch the guilt and smile more. When your child gives you that face that says you are an awful parent for allowing him to be bored, smile at him. Don’t bite on the guilt bit and remind yourself that you are doing him a huge favor by refusing to be the circus leader 24 -7. Shoo him away. 3. Structure his day, but do so loosely. Kids need structure but they don’t need micro-management. So, when he’s at grandma’s three afternoons per week, try to keep a rhythm to his days. The afternoons can be unstructured, but he should know what’s coming from one day to the next. 4. Be intentional. When you plan stimulating activities like an afternoon at the park, a sleepover or a play date, use language that tells him this is special time. Act like going to camp three afternoons per week is a big event. Talk about the other times as normal time so that he gets going on recruiting his creative energies to figure out what he can do when he is home with you in an air conditioned home for the other afternoons. 5. Don’t forget chores. Work gives kids a sense of belonging in a family. They need to know that they are contributors and their work is important to the family unit. Schedule household chores for each child to teach them that life is always a combination of fun and work.
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[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Sunscreen by Sutter Health East Bay Region You already know that too much sun can be deadly – but how much do you really know about sunscreen? Here are four facts that you need to know. 1. Know Your A’s and B’s The FDA now classifies sunscreens two ways: 1) sunscreens that help prevent skin cancer, skin aging and sunburn (ultraviolet A) and 2) sunscreens that only protect against sunburn (ultraviolet B). Dermatologists across the Sutter Health network recommend using an SPF of 30 or higher for the best protection – especially for people with sun sensitive conditions like lupus or those taking oral medications that make skin more sensitive to the sun. Sutter Health experts say selecting a sunscreen with an SPF of 30 will protect you against about 97 percent of ultraviolet B rays. However, if you want to cover your bases and get the best protection, dermatologists recommend looking for the term, “broad spectrum,” which also blocks ultraviolet A.
For more information, be sure to check out the Sutter Heath blog at www.news.sutterhealth.org
How well does your SPF filter the sun’s harmful rays? SPF 2 blocks about 50 percent of UVB rays. SPF 10 blocks about 85 percent of UVB rays SPF 15 blocks about 95 percent of UVB rays. SPF 30 blocks about 97 percent of UVB rays. An SPF higher than 30 doesn’t provide any additional UVB protection, it only allows you to spend a longer time in the sun without burning. 2. There is no such thing as a truly waterproof sunscreen You should reapply sunscreen at least every two hours and even more often if you’ve been swimming or sweating. 3. Apply liberally and early You should apply about one ounce of sunscreen per body part – enough to fill a small shot glass – at least 15 to 20 minutes before sun exposure. It needs time to spread over and into your skin. 4. Altitude increases the sun’s potency For every 1,000-foot increase in altitude, the sun’s potency increases.
46 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2014
Education is a Lifelong Commitment
An academic preschool with full and half day schedules.
Get the scoop on Quarry Lane Preschool! Join Us for
Ice Cream and a Campus Tour Sunday, August 3 3:00 - 5:00 p.m. RSVP at www.QuarryLane.org/Preschool
Education is a Lifelong Commitment PLEASANTON WEST CAMPUS
PLEASANTON EAST CAMPUS
925.462.6300
925.846.9400
Preschool and Pre-Kindergarten 4444B Black Ave., Pleasanton, CA
Infant through Pre-Kindergarten 3750 Boulder St., Pleasanton, CA
CA Licenses: 013411303, 013411304, 013411305, 013417681