Active Family Magazine - July 2017

JULY 2017

4TH OF

JULY FIREWORKS

AND EVENTS!

WEEKEND GETAWAY: Quail Lodge & Golf Club, Carmel

HOW PARENTHOOD Makes You More Mindful

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

Lake Tahoe

Vacation Better Situated on Lake Tahoe’s south shore in a tranquil lakefront environment, this familyfriendly resort featuring hotel service and amenities is the perfect getaway for any reason. Take part in our summer children’s program, with activities including crafts, games, sports, beach and pool play and field trips. Isn’t it time to vacation better?

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855·945·4064 | astonlakelandvillage.com

IN THE MONTESSORI TRADITION

The Concordia School A warm, welcoming community since 1973 Hands-on learning for children ages 2 years through 6th grade Home-like, multi-age classroom Art, science, music, and Spanish integrated into daily life Quality before & after school care Full member of the American Montessori Society

School Tours Scheduled Weekly Call Today 925-689-6910

2353 FIFTH AVENUE ● CONCORD ● WWW.CONCORDIASCHOOL.COM 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

PUB: Active Fam Magazine Issue: July 2017 Client: Aston Property: LLV Size: 1/2 page h nonbleed (7.75” x 4.8125” Colors: Full DUE: 06/15

For the past five years, we’ve performed more pediatric organ transplants than any other hospital in the U.S. And we’re particularly proud to have superior outcomes, despite taking on the most challenging cases. Learn more at transplant.stanfordchildrens.org

Volume 4 / Issue 42

How I Learned to Stop Being a Sideline Coach and Just Enjoy the Game

[ CHILDREN’S HEALTH ]

12

28

30

How Parenthood Makes You More Mindful

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] [ EVENTS ]

[ PARENTING ] 37 Techniques to Calm an Anxious Child

My Unconventional Way To Meet New Mom Friends

18 Grit Is The Buzzword Among Parents Today. But Are We Focusing On The Wrong Thing?

22

8

Making a Splash! Tips on Keeping Everyone Safe in the Water

June Calendar

20 [ SEASONAL FUN ]

Dear Stepmoms, It’s Okay To Let Go

Weekend Getaway: Quail Lodge & Golf Club, Carmel

36

10 4th of July Fireworks and Events

26 Camping Gear For The Family

32

20 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

32

10

FACT:

85% of core brain structure is developed by age four.

Infants - Private Kindergarten & After School

PRIMROSE WAY:

Recommending the right activity at the right time is child’s play.

Opening Fall 2017. Schedule a Tour Today!

Primrose School of Livermore 2901 Las Positas Rd | Livermore, CA 94551 925.215.7372 | PrimroseLivermore.com | facebook.com/PrimroseLivermore Each Primrose School is privately owned and operated. ©2014 Primrose School Franchising Company. All rights reserved. All trademarks are the property of their respective owner.

See primroseschools.com for “fact” source and curriculum detail. Pennsylvania is an Equal Opportunity Care Provider. California License #013421388, 013421389

Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Marketing Assistant Interns

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Jaida Sinclair

Advertising Sales Director

Fashion Editor

Kathy Brillheart kbrillheart@activefamilymag.com

Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com

Advertising Sales Managers

Design/Production

Mary Oakes moakes@activefamilymag.com

Teresa Agnew Craft

Andrea Rhoades Bonnie Lovette, RN, MS, PNP Catherine Pearlman, LCSW, PhD Emma Seppälä Ph.D. Erica Reischer, Ph.D. Michelle Zunter Renee Jain Elizabeth Kang

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note July brings the heat, summer celebrations and fun! Although the Bay Area provides plenty to do this month, we suggest you beat the heat and venture out of town to one of the amazing coastal resorts found within close proximity to home.

Half Moon Bay, Avila Beach, Capitola, Monterey, the list is endless! Flip to page 10 to discover the Quail Lodge and Golf Club in Carmel. Definitely cooler climate than the East Bay, Quail Lodge is a must-visit if you are looking for a romantic getaway or family stay-cation.

If a camping trip is in your future, be sure to check out our Camping Gear recommendations on page 32. The 4th of July Fireworks and Events Guide on page 26 will help you navigate all of the holiday’s festivities! Be sure to stay safe and enjoy the season!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

JENNIFER & NICK TRAVIA 2 scientists 23 hours spent researching birth centers 1 healthy baby

As scientists, Daniel’s parents did extensive research before choosing where to deliver their baby. They talked to friends, scoured the internet, toured hospitals and talked with nurses. They discovered Stanford Health Care – ValleyCare has on-site OB-GYNs, anesthesiologists and pediatric hospitalists 24/7, as well as the highest level Neonatal ICU in the Tri-Valley. And good thing, because Daniel decided to come four weeks early. Today, he’s proud to be the center of attention.

See their story and find an OB-GYN: ValleyCare.com/Baby Or call: 844-229-7871

[ MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIPS ]

My Unconvential Way To Meet New Mom Friends

by Andrea Rhoades

There’s this inevitable shift that happens when you have kids. You start to befriend complete strangers because you share the same common denominator: creating human life.

Andrea Rhoades is the creator of Selfies to Selfless, a site for Millennial parents. She is passionate about empowering the newest generation of parents to find their sweet spot in their new journey. @ selfiestoselfless on IG and FB.

Maybe it’s at the weekly play date. Or the mom you see every morning at daycare drop off. You see the same parents all the time and you realize that even though you don’t know them, you feel like you do know them on a deeper level. Because raising kids is hard AF and you happen to be in the same war zone together.

So you give them a knowing nod in support as they corral their screaming kids in the car. Or maybe you make small talk with a mom at the park. These conversations are always the same. Obligatory “he/she is so cute!’ intro.

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

[ MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIPS ] Obligatory age comparison, etc. etc.

whole night is a disaster? I can always use my kids as an excuse…

And then you suddenly find yourself in an awkward silence. Your palms get sweaty and you frantically look

We arrived at the restaurant at the same time and sat

at your phone to give the impression that you are terribly

down. We both ordered drinks and I was never more

busy and just can’t continue the conversation.

thankful that we chose a Mexican restaurant since there was a basket of tortilla chips to keep me busy during the

I hate small talk. Despise it is a better description.

always weird first ten minutes of the mom date.

Feigning interest in what recent milestone this acquaintance-mom shares about their child is

We asked each other the obligatory ‘Where are you

exhausting. I’m nice. Nice AF actually. But I just can’t

from? What do you do?’ type questions and our first

with the small talk. But it seems most of my interactions

awkward pause happened. I decided to break the ice a

with new moms are consumed by interactions that feel

bit by joking that what we were doing was so much like

forced. So I decided to do something different.

a real blind date and how my husband wished me luck just like a college roommate would. She laughed and we

I asked a mom out on a blind date.

eased back in to conversation.

I sent an email (seemed less risky than a text) to a mom

Turns out we had a lot in common. I loved hearing about

who was newer to my town just to say hello and offered

her journey to our town, her ridiculously big family, and

to chat or grab drinks sometime. I had never met her

I genuinely enjoyed hearing about her adorable son.

before and had no clue if we would have anything in

Making that personal connection with someone makes

common other than being a nine-month incubator. She

such a big difference.

emailed back and we settled on having dinner at a Mexican restaurant the next week.

There was no need for an SOS text to my husband. We stayed for almost two hours, added each other on

I have to admit, the day of the mom date I was oddly

Snapchat, and bemoaned about pumping at work.

excited. For one, there would be margaritas, so that

This mom date was a success!

alone was worth celebrating. But the thought of getting to know someone new at a deeper level than the typical

Meeting new people is hard when you’ve had an

small talk allows was kind of appealing.

established friend group for so long. And it’s even harder when you are a busy mom. But if the opportunity ever

It’s been forever since I dated, but oddly all those first

presents itself, put yourself out there!

date jitters came flying back. What should I wear? What should we talk about? What if she hates that I curse like

At least go out for a margarita and get out of bedtime

a sailor? Maybe I should have an escape plan if the

duty for the night if nothing else.

JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

For a much-needed grownup getaway, consider driving a two-hour jaunt down the coast to Quail Lodge & Golf Club, in the breathtaking hills of Carmel-By-The-Sea. Quail Lodge is upscale, yet unpretentious, with contemporary, stylish and spacious rooms boasting cozy fireplaces, oversized bathtubs and sweeping views. We found the service to be extremely warm, accommodating and friendly. Quail Lodge offers free breakfast, a sand bocce court, onsite gourmet restaurants, a year-round heated pool and a gorgeous 18-hole golf course, so guests can hunker down and enjoy a fun-filled weekend at Quail Lodge without ever feeling the need to wander off the expansive property.

With stunning views of the picturesque Santa Lucia Mountains of Carmel, Quail Lodge is not beachfront property – but no matter. A location away from the coast means pleasant, sunny weather to relax by the pool or enjoy all the extracurricular activities the resort has to offer.

Golf pros and beginners alike will appreciate Quail 10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

Lodge & Golf Club’s expansive championship 18-hole course. Renowned instructors are available for private or semi-private lessons at the Quail Lodge Golf Academy.

Half Day Clinics are available for instruction and are the most popular way to improve your game. ($125 per person, $80 per Member.) For guests or members who really want to go all in, a five-day-clinic lesson is available and promises to make you a golfer for life.

Beginner, Intermediate, or Private Group programs available. ($149-$199 per person or $899 per group.)

Adrenaline junkies will get a rush out of Quail Lodge’s “Off-Road Land Rover Experience Driving School,” where you choose your model of Land Rover and drive a dedicated outdoor course of thrilling obstacles after a personalized lesson. (One Hour Lesson ((designed for one guest)): $275 per vehicle. Two Hour Lesson (designed for 1, 2 or 3 guests): $425 per vehicle.)

For a casual, contemporary breakfast, head to the property’s Covey Breakfast Restaurant Bar & Deck. Enjoy the classics done right, like Eggs Benedict, biscuits & gravy, and a variety of continental style breakfast to suit

[ SEASONAL FUN ] everyone’s taste. Covey’s is extremely kid-friendly too, offering a junior menu with kid-sized options such as half a waffle, or a short stack of pancakes. In the afternoon and evening, Covey’s is a great place to stop in for a cocktail and some surprisingly sophisticated bar snacks.

Duck fat fries anyone?

Quail’s Nest Snack Bar is the perfect spot to grab a quick bite in-between holes on the course or during a swim. There are plenty of grab-and-go options, and the menu includes sandwiches, organic salads, and jumbo hotdogs.

After a long day of recreation at Quail Lodge, you can take a refreshing shower in your room, get dressed for dinner and conveniently stay on the property for an elegant dinner at Edgar’s, which offers warm ambience inside and cozy outdoor seating overlooking the golf course. A complimentary shuttle will take you from your room to the restaurant, which is located on the other side of the property.

Edgar’s is a local favorite, open for both lunch and dinner, and is usually busy, so reservations are recommended. Guests are greeted by a cozy fireplace anchoring both the indoor and outdoor dining room.

The menu is created with fresh, seasonal ingredients harvested from local organic farms “hand selected

by Edgar’s at Quail Executive Chef Brian Kearns.”

Seafood options are carefully selected according to the guidelines of sustainability outlined by the Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch. Fresh oysters and fritto misto are highlights in the starters section, and main courses include a truffle burger, King Salmon with saffron risotto, Monterey Sand Dabs served with a caper burre blanc sauce, and spaghetti with spicy clams. A children’s menu is available, and if you happen to be there Thursday, don’t miss Prime Rib night, or on Friday nights, Cioppino Night.

Weddings are common at Quail Lodge, so don’t be surprised to see a beaming bride and groom posing for pictures during your stroll be the pond, as the resort is a popular destination for tying the knot, and for good reason. The resort offers four different beautiful rooms to host a reception, and couple’s often hold their ceremony on Quail Meadows, a breathtaking, verdant meadow with views of rolling green hills.

Visit Quail Lodge & Gold Club for a relaxing and fun couple’s weekend getaway or friend’s trip that’s sure to reinvigorate. 8205 Valley Greens Drive, Carmel, CA. (831) 624-2888, www.quaillodge.com.

CARMEL VALLEY RANCH One Old Ranch Road Carmel California 93923 www.carmelvalleyranch.com For a family friendly getaway, consider Carmel Valley Ranch, with plenty to do for all ages. Kids can keep busy at the Ranch Hands Kids Club, where children have fun in a natural playground while adults enjoy leisure time at the spa, playing golf or tennis, or a myriad of other activities the resort offers. Kids as young as 2-yrs-old are welcomed at the “Busy Bees” kids camp, where adults can opt for full of half-day childcare accommodations. (Additional fees apply.) With studios, one-bedroom, and up to four-bedroom rooms available, Carmel Valley Ranch is the perfect choice for all-sized families looking for a family getaway that will please everyone.

JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

[ PARENTING ]

37 Techniques to Calm an Anxious Child

by By Renee Jain Imagine, you are driving in the car. You look in the rearview mirror and see your child trying to shrink into her seat.

“What’s wrong?” you ask.

“I don’t want to go to the birthday party.”

Renee Jain is an award-winning tech entrepreneur turned speaker and certified life coach. She holds a masters in applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Renee’s passion is taking research-based concepts and transforming them into fun and digestible learning modules.

Renee teaches anxious children how to manage stress and worry through her innovative GoZen! Anxiety Relief Programs for Kids. www.gozen.com

12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

“But you’ve been excited all week. There will be cake and games and a bounce house. You love all of those things,” you try to reason.

“But I can’t go. There will be lots of people there I don’t know. No one will play with me. My tummy hurts.”

Sound familiar? As a parent of an anxious child, you might regularly find yourself in situations where no matter what you try, what effort you make, what compassion you offer, or what love you exude, nothing seems to help quash the worry that is affecting your little one’s everyday interactions.

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

[ PARENTING ]

In my work with anxious children, I have found it

but reassure him that there will be time to review his

tremendously beneficial for both parents and kids to

anxiety later.

have a toolkit full of coping skills from which to choose.

4. Write a letter to yourself—Dr. Kristen Neff, a professor

As you know, every child is different and some of the tools

at the University of Texas, Austin, and a pioneer in

described below will resonate more than others. When

the field of self-compassion, created an exercise

you pick one to work with, please try it at least two to

where people were asked to write a letter as though

three times before making a judgment on whether it suits

they were not experiencing stress or anxiety but

your child and family.

rather their best friends were. From this exercise they were able to examine themselves and their situation

Here are 37 techniques to calm an anxious child:

objectively and apply a level of compassion to themselves that they often reserve for other people.

Write it out

Next time your child feels anxious, have them write

1. Write it out and then throw it out—In a study

a letter that begins “Dear Me” and then ask them to

published in Psychological Science, people were

continue writing in the voice of their best friend (real

asked to write what they liked or disliked about their

or imaginary).

bodies. One group of people kept the paper and checked it for errors, whereas the other group of

Have a debate (with yourself)

people physically discarded the paper their thoughts

5. Talk to your worry—Personification of a worry allows

were written on. The physical act of discarding the

children to feel as though they have control over it.

paper helped them discard the thoughts mentally,

By giving anxiety a face and a name, the logical

too. Next time your child is anxious, have her write

brain takes over and begins to place limitations

her thoughts on a paper and then physically throw

on the stressor. For young children, you can create

the paper out. Chances are, her perspective will

a worry doll or character for them that represents

begin to change as soon as the paper hits the trash

worry. Next time a worried thought arises, have your

can.

child try to teach the doll why they shouldn’t worry.

2. Journal about worries—Researchers at Harvard found that writing about a stressful event for 15

As an example, check out Widdle the Worrier.

6. Recognize that thoughts are notoriously

minutes, for four consecutive days, can lessen the

inaccurate—Psychologist Aaron Beck developed a

anxiety a person feels about that event. Although

theory in behavioral therapy known as “cognitive

the person may initially feel more anxiety about

distortions.” Simply put, these are messages our

the stressor, eventually the effects of writing about

minds tell us that are simply untrue. When we help

anxious events relieved anxious symptoms for up to

our children recognize these distortions, we can

six months after the exercise. Make journaling about

begin to help them break them down and replace

anxious thoughts a habit with your child.

them with truths. Read through and use this list as a

3. Create “worry time”—In the movie Gone with the

reference with your child. Depending on their age,

Wind, Scarlett O’Hara often says, “I can’t think about that now. I’ll think about it tomorrow.” A

change the language for greater accessibility.

•

similar concept works for anxious children. Set aside a designated “worry time” for 10-15 minutes on a

on assumptions as opposed to definitive facts •

daily basis. Choose the same time each day and the same spot and allow your child to write down

Jumping to conclusions: judging a situation based Mental filtering: paying attention to the negative details in a situation while ignoring the positive

•

his worries without worrying about what actually

Magnifying: magnifying negative aspects in a situation

constitutes a worry. When the time is up, have him

•

Minimizing: minimizing positive aspects in a situation

drop the worries in a box, say goodbye to them, and

•

Personalizing: assuming the blame for problems even

move on to a new activity. When your child begins to feel anxious, remind him that it isn’t “worry time” yet,

when you are not primarily responsible •

Externalizing: pushing the blame for problems onto JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ PARENTING ] • •

others even when you are primarily responsible

are common feelings and that he gets into trouble

Overgeneralizing: concluding that one bad incident

only when his brain sounds the alarm and he does

will lead to a repeated pattern of defeat

not allow logical thoughts to calm him down.

Emotional reasoning: assuming your negative

11. Learn about the physical symptoms of worry—We

emotions translate into reality, or confusing feelings

often think of anxiety as a mental state. What we

with facts

don’t think about is how worry creates physical symptoms as well. Cortisol and adrenaline, two of

Self-soothe

the body’s main stress hormones, are produced at

7. Give yourself a hug—Physical touch releases

a rapid rate when we experience anxiety. These are

oxytocin, a feel-good hormone, and reduces the

the “fight or flight” hormones that prepare our bodies

stress hormone cortisol in the bloodstream. The next

to either fight or run from something dangerous. Our

time your child feels anxious, have her stop and give

heart rates increase, and our breathing gets fast and

herself a warm hug. She can hug herself discreetly

shallow; we sweat, and we may even experience

by folding her arms and squeezing her body in a

nausea and diarrhea. However, once your child is

comforting way.

familiar with the physical symptoms of anxiety, he

8. Rub your ears—For thousands of years, Chinese

can recognize them as anxiety and use any of the

acupuncturists have used needles to stimulate

strategies in this article rather than worry that he is

various points in a person’s ears to treat stress and

sick.

anxiety. Similar benefits are available to your child simply by having him apply pressure to many of

Use your body

these same points. Have him begin by lightly tracing

12. Stretch—A study published in the Journal of

the outline of his outer ear several times. Then using

Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics showed

gentle pressure, have him place his thumbs on the

that children who practice yoga not only experience

back of his ears and his forefingers on the front.

the uplifting benefits of exercise but also maintain

Have him count to five and then move his finger and

those benefits long after they are done with their

thumb downward to a point just below where they

practice. Even if you or your child is unfamiliar

started. Have your child repeat the process until he

with yoga poses, the process of slow, methodical

has squeezed both earlobes for five seconds each.

9. Hold your own hand—Remember the safety you felt

stretching can provide many of the same benefits.

13. Push against a wall—For some children, trying to

when you held your parent’s hand as you crossed

breathe deeply or relax through meditation only

the street? As it turns out, hand-holding has both

causes more anxiety. “Am I doing this right? Everyone

psychological and physiological benefits. In one

thinks I’m crazy. I forgot to breathe that time.” The

study, researchers found that hand-holding during

act of physically tensing the muscles will create a

surgery helped patients control their physical and

counterbalancing release when they are relaxed,

mental symptoms of anxiety. Have your child clasp

resulting in the relaxation more passive methods

her hands together, fingers intertwined, until the

may not provide. Have your child push against the

feelings of anxiety begin to fade.

wall with all of her might, taking great care to use the muscles in her arms, legs, back, and stomach to

Understand worry

try to move the wall. Have her hold for a count of 10

10. Understand the origin of worry—Anxiety and worry

and then breathe deeply for a count of 10, repeating

have biological purposes in the human body. Once upon a time, anxiety was what kept our hunter and

three times.

14. Practice chopping wood—In yoga, the Wood

gatherer relatives safely alert while they searched

Chopper Pose releases tension and stress in the

for food. Even today, worry and anxiety keep us from

muscles by simulating the hard labor of chopping

making mistakes that will compromise our safety.

wood. Have your child stand tall with his legs wide

Help your child understand that worry and anxiety

and arms straight above as though he is holding

14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

[ PARENTING ] an ax. Have him inhale and, with the full force of

stress—especially in young adults. Challenge your

his body, swing the imaginary ax as though he is

child to spend a week without video game systems

chopping wood and simultaneously exhale a “ha.”

or smartphones, and encourage her to be more

Repeat.

15. Try progressive muscle relaxation—This relaxation

creative with her time.

21. Walk in nature—A Stanford study showed that

exercise includes two simple steps: (1) Systematically

exposure to green spaces has a positive cognitive

tense specific muscle groups, such as your head,

effect on school children. Going for a walk in nature

neck, and shoulders etc., and then (2) Release the

allows your child to reconnect with tangible, physical

tension and notice how you feel when you release

objects; calms his mind; and helps his logical brain to

each muscle group. Have your child practice by

take over for his anxious brain.

tensing the muscles in her face as tightly as she can and then releasing the tension. Here is a great script

Befriend water

for kids (pdf).

22. Drink more water—Although dehydration rarely

16. Use the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)—EFT

causes anxiety on its own, because our brains are

combines tapping acupressure points in the body

85% water, it can certainly make its symptoms worse.

with verbalizing positive affirmations. Using his

Make sure your child is getting adequate amounts

fingertips, have your child gently but firmly tap the

of water in a day. The basic rule of thumb is to drink

top of his head, his eyebrows, under his eyes, under

one-half to one ounce of water per pound of body

his nose, his chin, his collarbone, and his wrists while

weight. So if your child weighs 50 pounds, he should

saying positive things about his situation. The idea is

drink 25 to 50 ounces of water every day.

that the body’s natural electromagnetic energy is

23. Take a cold or hot bath—Hydrotherapy has been

activated and associated with positive affirmations,

used for centuries in natural medicine to promote

thereby reducing anxiety.

health and prevent disease. Just 10 minutes in a

17. Strike a power pose—Anxiety makes your child want

warm bath or cold shower can have profound

to physically shrink. However, research has shown

effects on the levels of anxiety your child is

that holding a powerful pose for just two minutes

experiencing.

can boost feelings of self-confidence and power.

Have your child pose like her favorite superhero, with

Practice mindfulness

her hands on her hips, ready for battle, or strike a

24. Observe your “train of thoughts”—Have your child

pose like a boss leaning over a table to drive a point

imagine her anxious thoughts are like trains coming

home, hands planted on the table top.

into a busy station. Sometimes they will slow down

18. Sweat it out—Exercise releases endorphins, the

and pass by, and at other times they will stop at the

feel-good chemicals in our bodies. Exercise that

station for a while. If the anxious thought stops at the

is more intense than your child’s normal physical

station, have your child practice breathing slowly

activity level can actually reduce his body’s physical

and deeply until the train pulls out of the station. As

response to anxiety.

it fades, have your child “watch” as the train pulls

19. Fall into Child’s Pose—Have your child assume the

away. This exercise teaches children that they don’t

Child’s Pose, a pose in yoga that is done by kneeling

have to react to every thought that occurs to them.

on the floor and bringing the body to rest on the

Some thoughts they can simply acknowledge and

knees in the fetal position. The arms are either

allow to leave without acting on them.

brought to the sides of the legs or stretched out over the head, palms on the floor.

25. Practice a five-by-five meditation—Have your child use each of his five senses to name five things he experiences with that sense. Again, this exercise

Disconnect to reconnect

roots your child in things that are actually happening

20. Do a tech detox—Studies show that modern

rather than in things that mayhappen or could

technology is adversely correlated to sleep and

happen that are causing him to worry.

JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ PARENTING ] 26. Focus on your breath—The natural biological

“helper’s high” happens when people volunteer

response to anxiety is to breathe shallowly and

to help others without any expectation of

quickly. Focusing on breathing slowly and deeply will

compensation. Whether your child is helping a

mitigate many of the body’s stress responses.

younger sibling do math homework or helping your

27. Tune in with a body scan—Have your child close her eyes and check in with all of the parts of her body.

Have her talk to each part and ask how it feels and if there is anything wrong. Then have her invite it to relax while she checks in with the other parts. This animation can be a fun way to practice a body scan meditation with your child.

28. Practice cognitive defusion—The process of cognitive defusion separates the reaction your child is having from the event. It gives your child a chance to think about the stressor separately from his reaction to that stressor. Have your child talk about his feelings of anxiety as though his mind is a separate person. He might say something like “My

neighbor weed her flower bed, volunteering is an easy way to alleviate his feelings of stress or anxiety.

34. Be a friend and give someone else advice— Sometimes the advice we give others is really meant for ourselves. Encourage your child to tell you how you should react to a situation similar to what your child might be experiencing anxiety over. If she is worried about giving a presentation in class, have her tell you how to get over your anxiety about a work presentation. The same techniques your child is teaching you will come into play when she is faced with a similar situation.

35. Turn your focus outward—Anxiety would have your

mind does not want to go to the party, so it is making

child believe that he is the only one who has ever

my stomach hurt.” By disconnecting the two, he can

experienced worry or stress in a certain situation. In

then talk to his mind as though it is a person and re-

reality, many of his peers are likely experiencing the

create his internal dialogue.

same feelings of worry. Encourage your child to find someone who may look nervous and talk to her or

Listen

him about how she or he is feeling. By discussing his

29. Listen to music—It is challenging for your child to feel

anxiety with his peers, your child will discover that he

anxious when she is dancing to her favorite song.

is notthe only one to feel worry.

Crank up the tunes and sing along! Here is a lovingkindness meditation set to dance music you can

Embrace the worry

listen to with your child.

36. Know that this too shall pass—One of the greatest

30. Listen to stories—Avid readers know how difficult it is to pry themselves away from a good book. Listening to audio books can help your child get lost in an imaginary world where anxiety and worry do not exist or are put into their proper perspective.

31. Listen to guided meditations—Guided meditations are designed to be soothing to your child and help him relax by presenting images for his mind’s eye to focus on rather than focusing on the stressor.

32. Listen to the uplifting words of another—Often, anxiety is rooted in a negative internal monologue.

lies the anxious brain tells your child is that she will feel anxious forever. Physiologically, it is impossible to maintain a high level of arousal for longer than several minutes. Invite your child to sit by you, and read a story or simply watch the world go by until the feelings of anxiety start to fade away. It sounds simple, but acknowledging that the “fight or flight” response won’t last forever gives it less power when your child begins to feel its effects.

37. Worrying is part of our humanity—Anxiety, stress,

Have your child listen to your uplifting words or those

and worry are all part of what makes us human.

of someone else to restructure that monologue into

These biological and psychological responses are

positive affirmations of herself.

designed to keep us safe in situations we are not familiar with. Reassure your child that there is nothing

Help someone else

wrong with feeling anxiety, that it simply alerts his

33. Volunteer—Researchers have long shown that

body so that he can be on the lookout for danger.

16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

Images: © AMNH/C. Chesek © AMNH 2014

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

A new, prehistoric exhibit | Now Open It’s amazing what a fossil can reveal. With massive, life-size models, an interactive flight simulator, real pterosaur fossils, and more—this new exhibit will leave a lasting impression.

Fossilized forever, but only here for a limited time.

Get tickets at calacademy.org Pterosaurs: Flight in the Age of Dinosaurs is organized by the American Museum of Natural History, New York (amnh.org)

[ PARENTING ]

Emma Seppälä, Ph.D is Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and is the author of The Happiness Track (HarperOne, 2016). She is also Co-Director of the Yale College Emotional Intelligence Project at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. She is a frequent contributor to Harvard Business Review, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, and Scientific American Mind. She is the founder and editor-in-chief of Fulfillment Daily, a popular news site dedicated to the science of happiness.

Her work and research have been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Chicago Tribune, The Boston Globe, The Atlantic, VOGUE, ELLE, CBSNews, Oprah Magazine, Fast Company, U.S. World and News Report, Forbes, Cosmopolitan, Inc, Huffington Post, ABC News, Business Insider, SELF, GLAMOUR. She has appeared several times on Good Morning America. She was also interviewed for Huffington Post Live and TIME/MONEY and is featured in the documentary film The Altruism Revolution.

She is the recipient of a number of research grants and service awards including the James W. Lyons Award from Stanford University for founding Stanford’s first academic class on the psychology of happiness and teaching many well-being programs for Stanford students.

She graduated from Yale (BA), Columbia (MA), and Stanford (PhD). Originally from Paris, France, she is a native speaker of French, English, and German.

How Parenthood Makes You More Mindful

by Emma Seppälä Ph.D.

We sometimes think of parents as harried, tired and exhausted. In fact a recent study showed that the first year of a child is worse than divorce, unemployment and even the death of a partner! Despite the blissful photos pasted on social media, parents often feel overwhelmed and pushed to the brink.

Yet research also shows that that parenthood actually increases mindfulness and therefore health and happiness in three important ways.

1. You stop being attached to plans and outcomes.

When non-parents plan to go out on a fun outing or decide to go to bed early to get a nice long night of sleep, their plans usually work out (and if they don’t,

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

[ PARENTING ]

they get pretty upset). Parents, on the other hand, simply

present, savoring every positive experience and giving

stop expecting things to go a certain way. Things may

less weight to the negative ones.

go great, but they also may not. You may have a great experience or be doing damage control the entire time.

These psychological boosts may be the reason that

As a parent, you stop being fixated on things having

parenthood significantly increases your happiness and

to go your way. You become more accepting of what

health biologically. The bonding you experience with a

is and learn to regulate your emotions. You become

child, for example, releases hormones associated with

humbler because you realize that you don’t really have

trust, connection and well-being. Research shows that

full control. A parent is always like a beginner because

the cuddle and feel good hormone oxytocin courses

every moment is new, every age is different, and

through both mothers and fathers who bond with their

every child is a new experience. You’ve learned to be

child. The more affectionate a mom is with her child, and

comfortable being uncomfortable. And you’ve learned to have that proverbial Zen beginner’s mind.

2. You Gain a Deep Sense of Purpose.

Research shows that becoming a parent gives you a sense of purpose – and happiness. All of a sudden, you aren’t the center of the universe anymore. Your children come first. You begin to live with a sense of service—taking responsibility for the lives of others.

Research on psychological well-being shows that

the more playful the father, the higher the parents’ levels of oxytocin.

Finally, while sleep deprivation and other costs of parenthood can seem taxing on the body, research shows that parenthood may also have health benefits like lowering blood pressure. In fact, parents are 52% less likely to develop a cold (and this was not due to having been exposed to the virus from their kids!)

both purpose and living with a sense of service are tremendous determinants of a fulfilling life—not to mention that it boosts your longevity and cardiovascular health. Moreover, with that sense of a larger purpose, you automatically stop sweating the small stuff. So the kitchen is a mess and the cat is drinking out of the faucet

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3. You Become Poignantly Aware of the Passage of Time.

Children— whose rates of growth and development are often staggering—are daily reminders that things are changing and that time is passing quickly. As a parent, you know you need to enjoy the moment now because soon your tots will be teens and then twenty-goingon-thirty-somethings. As a mom friend shared with me: “The days are long but the months are short.” Why does this awareness make you more mindful and happy?

Research shows that the more you are aware of the passage of time—especially that things are changing

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and coming to an end—the more you start to live in the JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

[ EVENTS ]

July Alameda County JULY 1 – 9 Alameda County Fair County Fairgrounds Pleasanton 11am – 11pm www.alamedacountyfair.com

JULY 1 – 30 Rockridge Ice Cream Tour Rockridge Neighborhood Oakland 11:30am www.localfoodadventures.com/tours/ ice-cream-tour

JULY 1 – 30 The Rainbow Fish Musical Bay Area Children’s Theatre Oakland Times Vary www.bactheatre.org/shows/ RainbowFish

JULY 3 & 29 Oakland A’s Fireworks Oakland Coliseum Oakland www.m.mlb.com/athletics/tickets/info/ fireworks

JULY 4TH 4TH OF JULY Alameda Mayor’s Fourth of July Parade Lincoln Ave & Park Street Alameda 10am www.alamedaparade.com

4th of July Backyard BBQ Jack London Square Oakland 12pm – 6pm

JULY 5 $1 Day at the Fair Alameda County Fairgrounds Plesanton 12pm – 5pm www.alamedacountyfair.com

First Wednesday Street Party Downtown Pleasanton 6pm – 9pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

JULY 6 Waterfront Flicks Jack London Square Oakland 8:30pm www.jacklondonsquare.com

JULY 7 $5 First Fridays Chabot Space & Science Center Oakland 6pm -10pm

JULY 15 & 29 Summer Sleepovers Children’s Fairyland Oakland 5:45pm – 8:30am www.fairyland.org/Events-andPerformances/Summer-Sleepovers

Contra Costa County

Concert in the Park, Johnny Mahalo & the Wild Coconuts Lions Wayside Park, corner of First Street and Neal Street Pleasanton 7pm-8:30pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

www.marinfair.org

JULY 7 - 30 Tarzan Berkeley Playhouse Berkeley Times Vary www.tickets.berkeleyplayhouse.org/ online/default.asp

JULY 14

JULY 4, 11, 18 & 25

www.portofoakland.com/harbor-tours/ harbor-tour-2017-schedule

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

Summer Wine Stroll Downtown Pleasanton 5pm-8pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

JULY 1 – 4

www.jacklondonsquare.com

www.facebook.com/SouthShoreCenter

JULY 15

www.chabotspace.org/first-fridays.htm

Free Harbor Tours Port of Oakland Oakland 6:45pm

Tot Tuesdays Alameda South Shore Center Alaemda 12pm – 1pm

Concert in the Park, Ruckatan Latin Tribe Lions Wayside Park, corner of First Street and Neal Street Pleasanton 7pm-8:30pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

Marin County Fair Marin County Fairgrounds San Rafael 11am – 11pm

JULY 1 – 30 Splash N’ Dash San Ramon Olympic Pool & Aquatic Park San Ramon Times Vary www.SanRamon.ca.gov/aquatics

Community Center Pools Robert Livermore Aquatic Center Livermore Times Vary www.larpd.org/aquatics/rlc.html

JULY 2 Art + Play Sundays Bedford Gallery Walnut Creek 12pm – 5pm www.bedfordgallery.org

[ EVENTS ]

July JULY 4TH

JULY 8 – 9

4TH OF JULY

Cabernet Celebration McGrail Vineyards & Winery Livermore 12pm – 5pm

JULY 5 Happy Birds Hiller Aviation Museum San Carlos 11am www.hiller.org

First Wednesdays Cypress Street Walnut Creek 5pm – 8pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com

JULY 6 Concert Series Jacks Restaurant & Bar Pleasant Hill 6:30pm – 8:30pm

www.mcgrailvineyards.com/events.html

JULY 11 Sunset Yoga & Wine McGrail Vineyards Livermore 6:30pm – 8:30pm www.mcgrailvineyards.comevents.html

JULY 12, 14, 18 & 26 The Concerts at Wente Vineyards Wente Vineyards Livermore 8pm www.wentevineyards.com/concerts

www.shopdowntownpleasanthill.com

JULY 6, 20 & 27

JULY 13, 20, 27

2017 Summer Sounds Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 5:30pm www.draa.org/events/summer-sounds

Summer Fun Thursdays SunValley Shopping Center Concord 12:00 pm. www.shopsunvalley.com

JULY 7

JULY 21

Preschool Performance Series Village Theatre and Art Gallery Danville 10am

Derby Day Recreation & Park District Pleasant Hill 7pm – 9pm

www.villagetheatreshows.com

www.pleasanthillrec.com/home/ specialevents.html

JULY 8 Drone Fest Hiller Aviation Museum San Carlos 11am

JULY 22 - 23

www.hiller.org/event/drone-fest-17

Family Camp Out Rancho Laguna Park Moraga 2pm – 10am

JULY 8 & 29

www.moraga.ca.us/dept/park-rec/ campout

Cedar Mountain Winery Grill & Chill 10843 Reuss Rd. Livermore 6pm -9pm www.cedarmountainwinery.com

Out of Area JULY 1-2 Family Overnight SF Zoo San Francisco 5:30pm - 10am

Fillmore Jazz Festival Fillmore San Francisco 10am – 6pm www.fillmorejazzfestival.com

JULY 9 Kidchella Courthouse Square Redwood City 11am – 1pm www.redwoodcity.org

JULY 1 - 29 Afternoon Art Randall Museum San Francisco 1 & 3:30 pm www.randallmuseum.org/afternoon-art

JULY 3-4 Chalk Full of Fun on the Square Downtown Redwood City Redwood City 10am – 5pm www.rwcpaf.org/chalk-full-of-fun-onthe-square---2017.html

JULY 4TH 4TH OF JULY Ol’ Fashioned 4th of July Parade Main Street Half Moon Bay 12pm www.miramarevents.com

Live Music Aquatic Park San Francisco 6pm www.sftourismtips.com

JULY 6, 13, 20 & 27 Presidio Twilight Presidio Main Post San Francisco 11am – 1pm www.presidio.gov/events

JULY 8 Family Lunada Children’s Discovery Museum San Jose 5:30pm – 8pm www.cdm.org/event/lunada-familiar4/?instance_id=7266

Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

www.sfzoo.worldsecuresystems.com

JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ PARENTING ]

Dr. Erica Reischer is a psychologist, author, and parent educator. In addition to her Oakland-based private practice, she writes for The New York Times, The Washington Post, Psychology Today, and The Atlantic.

She is the author of What Great Parents Do: 75 Simple Strategies for Raising Kids Who Thrive.

Grit Is The Buzzword Among Parents Today.

But Are We Focusing On The Wrong Thing?

by Erica Reischer, Ph.D. Jennifer and Doug were in my office to talk about their 10-year-old son, Jason.

Jason had tried (and rejected) more than half a dozen activities that his parents had tried to interest him in. Dad had been an avid baseball player, but Jason tried it and quit. Soccer? No. Gymnastics? No. Piano? No again. Jason’s parents were deeply worried about his apparent lack of grit and had consulted me for guidance.

They were loving parents who wanted the best for their son, wanted him to excel and be happy. They had tried almost everything: encouraging, cajoling, rewarding, bribing and eventually insisting that he pick an activity and stick with it. They read about grit, talked with Jason about grit and reminded him that failure

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

[ PARENTING ] is part of the journey to success. Nothing seemed to

Instead of withdrawing, we seek support from others.

work for long, and Jason was now starting to withdraw emotionally from his parents.

To test the relative importance of grit vs. emotion regulation in predicting achievement, the Yale

Everyone seems to be talking about grit these days.

researchers analyzed indicators of success in high school

From best-selling books to popular TED talks, grit —

(such as recognition, honors, GPA and satisfaction)

“the tendency to sustain perseverance and passion

along with measures of students’ grit and their emotion

for challenging long-term goals” — has been making

regulation skills.

headlines. According to Angela Duckworth, the psychologist and researcher most closely associated with

They found that students’ ability to manage their

the concept, grit is a better predictor of success than

emotions was predictive of success, but grit was not.

intelligence or talent.

To put it another way, kids who have learned the skill of emotional self-regulation are more likely to be successful

It sounds like we should all get more grit, doesn’t it? But

than those who are only “gritty.”

our collective emphasis on grit is causing us to overlook other critical skills, and that oversight is having real

Why? Because kids who know how to manage and

consequences for our children.

influence their emotions have higher stress tolerance, better social skills, greater attentiveness, less anxiety and

Kids like Jason remind us that focusing on grit alone

depression, and a host of other advantages.

is not the recipe for success, and may even backfire.

What Jason’s parents really needed to do first was help

In contrast, kids who are encouraged to be “grittier”

him develop his emotional intelligence: his ability to

can experience higher levels of stress and anxiety,

recognize, understand and manage his feelings. Without

particularly when they are pushed toward goals for

that critical skill, when Jason felt frustrated or bored

which they have little enthusiasm. This was Jason’s

during the activities his parents encouraged him to try,

experience.

those feelings often derailed him.

A U.S. Department of Education report on grit found Jason’s parents were leaning heavily on messages

that “persevering in the face of challenges or setbacks

promoting grit (e.g., don’t quit, you can do it if you

to accomplish goals that are extrinsically motivated,

stay focused and work hard) but spending little time

unimportant to the student, or in some way inappropriate

helping Jason learn how to manage the feelings that

for the student may potentially induce stress, anxiety,

he experienced when things didn’t go as he hoped or

and distraction, and have detrimental impacts on

expected.

students’ … psychological well-being.”

Recent research bears out this conclusion. When

When we push our kids to be grittier, we risk undermining

psychologists at the Yale Center for Emotional

the very success we are hoping to facilitate. This was

Intelligence compared grit with other traits and abilities,

definitely the case with Jason: He had little interest in

they found that grit was less important to success than

the activities his parents had so far encouraged him to

one’s ability to regulate emotions.

try. To make matters worse, Jason had few tools — that is, emotion regulation strategies — to manage the stress

At its most basic, emotion regulation is what happens in

and anxiety amplified by his parents’ efforts to push him

the space between recognizing feelings and choosing

to persevere. This dynamic had created a negative spiral

how to respond. It allows us to respond instead of react.

of stress, anxiety, perceived criticism and withdrawal.

So, instead of yelling, we pause and take a deep breath.

Instead of blaming, we invite problem-solving. Instead of

Does the Yale finding on the significance of emotion

worrying, we refocus our thoughts on positive outcomes.

regulation contradict the research on the goodness of JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ PARENTING ] grit? Not really. As the study’s authors explain, grit “can be expected to be most important for goals where individuals have substantial choice. While students might be passionate about some subjects or activities, they are unlikely to be passionate about all subjects in high school. Thus, grit might be a better predictor of achievement in self-selected narrower goals, such as performance in elective courses or extracurricular pursuits.”

Grit is a trait combining perseverance and passion.

Passion isn’t something that can be imposed from outside. So, when we push kids to be gritty, we must be cautious: Are we pushing them to persevere toward a goal they actually care about? Or are we pushing them toward a goal that is not their own, for which they have little enthusiasm?

This is a critical difference. If a child has passion, but is lacking in perseverance, encouraging grittiness may be

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helpful. If, on the other hand, passion and interest are lacking, then focusing on grit may backfire, like it did for Jason.

As for Jason, his parents resolved to stop pushing and

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Jason is becoming more adept at identifying his feelings and, together with his parents, is learning a variety of emotion regulation strategies so that when he experiences — inevitably — stress, anxiety or other

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[ SEASONAL FUN ]

4th of July Fireworks and Events Ardenwood Independence Day Celebration Fremont | 10am - 4pm www.ebparks.org Get in the festive mood by celebrating an old fashioned Independence Day at Ardenwood Farms! Bring a picnic and enjoy America’s 241st birthday 1900-style with patriotic and fiddle music, old-fashioned games and races.

Alameda Mayor’s Fourth of July Parade Alameda | 10am www.alamedaparade.com Enjoy one of the largest and longest Independence Day parades in the nation with more than 160 floats along with equestrians, dance troops, antique cars and a variety of bands.

4th of July at the Berkeley Marina Berkeley | 12pm – 10pm www.anotherbullwinkelshow.com/4th-of-july The Berkeley Marina hosts one of the best 4th of July parties from noon until 10PM. Enjoy a variety of yummy food trucks, a kid’s zone, face painting, live music and much more! There are all kinds of free family fun in an alcohol-free environment culminating with fantastic fireworks.

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

4th of July Backyard BBQ Oakland | 12pm – 6pm www.jacklondonsquare.com/events/special-events Celebrate Independence Day at Jack London Square!

This festive day will fill the waterfront with activities and entertainment for both parents and children. Free to attend, the July 4th Backyard BBQ will also feature tasty treats, music and much more (no fireworks)!

Fourth at the Fair Pleasanton | 12pm – 11pm www.alamedacountyfair.com Celebrate at the Alameda County Fair with the Red, White and Blues Festival from 12-8pm and the Fireworks Spectacular show at 9:30pm set to music by the Oakland East Bay Symphony. Enjoy all of your fair favorites including yummy food, games, kids zone, horse racing and much more!

Concord Parade, Festival & Fireworks Concord | 10am – 10pm www.concordjuly4th.com Enjoy a full day of celebration at Mount Diablo High School for a parade, festival and fireworks. Kick off your Independence Day with a parade at 10am. Continue the celebration from 4-10pm at the annual 4th of July Festival & Fireworks with a kids’ carnival, food booths, vendor exhibits, live entertainment and 9pm fireworks.

This is an event sure not to miss!

[ SEASONAL FUN ] WorldOne 4th of July Festival El Cerrito | 10am – 6pm www.el-cerrito.org/july4 Celebrate Independence Day in El Cerrito with live entertainment on the main stage, shopping, tasty food and a children’s fun area with games, jump houses and rides.

Sausalito 4th of July Sausalito | 10am – 9:30pm www.ci.sausalito.ca.us/index.aspx?page=946 The festivities kick off at 10am with a parade of floats, bands, classic cars and more. The parade begins at Second and Main streets and ends at Dunphy Park. The party continues at the park with food and entertainment, a tug of war and egg toss until 4 pm. From 6:30-9:30pm, there will be live music and a fireworks extravaganza at Gabrielson Park.

Old- Fashioned Independence Day Santa Cruz | 11am – 4pm www.parks.ca.gov/Events/Details/7891 Visit Wilder Ranch’s historic cultural preserve and take a step back in time 100 years ago as you participate in an early 1900s-style Independence Day celebration. Enjoy a noon family parade, games, children’s crafts area, live big-band music, and much more. Food and drink available for sale, or bring a picnic lunch. This event is appropriate for all ages. Admission to the event is free; day-use parking is $10.

Ol’ Fashioned 4th of July Parade Half Moon Bay | 12pm www.miramarevents.com

An Old- Fashioned Fourth of July San Mateo | 10am – 4pm www.historysmc.org/events/old-fashioned-fourth The San Mateo County History Museum will present An Old-Fashioned Fourth of July within its museum, the 107-year-old county courthouse in Redwood City.

Museum admission will be half-price that day: $3.00 for adults, $2.00 for seniors and students and, as always, free for kids five and under. Activities will take place to coincide with the famous Redwood City Independence Day parade.

Pacifica Fourth of July Celebration Pacifica | 11am – 4pm www.pacificachamber.com Celebrate Independence Day at Pacifica’s 43rd Annual 4th of July Celebration! The festivities include face painting, games, food, crafts and live music. Don’t miss out on this festive event!

Celebrate Independence Day at this mini-Mardi-Grasstyle parade celebration. The parade features whimsical floats, marching bands, horses, community service groups, cool cars, decorated trikes and bikes, “pooches on parade,” youth sports teams and more.

San Francisco Sympthony: The July 4th Firework Mountain View | 8pm www.sfsymphony.org Enjoy an evening full of awe at Shoreline Amphitheatre for a fireworks spectacular. Witness a musical spectacle that celebrates the joys of victory, freedom, inspiration and hope with a breathtaking fireworks display accompanied by the orchestra.

July 4th Celebration at Pier 39 San Francisco | 9:30pm www.pier39.com Enjoy live rock music at the Pier 39 Entrance Plaza before looking to the sky for the City and County of San Francisco’s spectacular Fourth of July fireworks display. Everyone will be left in awe as the marvel at the 180-degree views of the bay.

JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

[ PARENTING ]

Catherine Pearlman, PhD, LCSW has been working professionally with children and families for 17 years.

During that span she has used her skills in myriad settings, including schools, camps, Boys and Girls Clubs, and in the homes of families. Her greatest satisfaction has come from helping hundreds of families learn to lead happier, more fulfilled lives.

After seeing so many families — including her own –struggle with similar issues, Catherine started The Family Coach, LLC. to help parents solve the everyday problems that so many of us experience.

As The Family Coach, Catherine believes that there isn’t one solution for everyone. Instead, the best way to resolve an issue is with a unique, individualized plan that takes into account such factors as the family’s schedule, lifestyle and personality. Catherine is a calming presence who listens carefully and offers user-friendly advice to immediately improve the happiness in a household.

Catherine received her Doctorate in Social Welfare at Yeshiva University and a Master’s degree of Social Work from New York University. Her Bachelor’s degree in the History of Medicine and Sociology is from Bucknell University. Catherine lives in Westchester, NY with her husband and two children

28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

How I Learned to Stop Being a Sideline Coach and Just Enjoy the Game

by Catherine Pearlman, LCSW, PhD Today’s parents are not just parents. They are coaches and referees and umpires. I don’t mean the kindhearted people who volunteer their time. I’m talking about the parents on the sidelines. As parents, we don’t just watch our children play sports any more. We are in the game.

Lately I have been focusing on how parents behave at my kids’ games. I have seen some ugly behavior. So many moms and dads have no qualms about yelling at umpires who are only behind the plate because no one else volunteered. I recently saw a parent scream at his kid, “Come on! You can do better!” The child was 8.

I never viewed myself as that kind of mother. For the first few years of parenting my husband and I avoided organized sports. Our kids weren’t competitive killers chomping at the bit to play on a team, and we were plenty psyched to keep our weekends together as a family.

Inevitably, though, our kids decided they wanted to get in the game. My son played baseball and basketball. My daughter, who never cared much for sports, was strongly encouraged (by us) to find a healthy physical activity. She chose water polo — a game we knew nothing about.

Three times a week I watch my daughter in the pool and twice per week my son is on the field. After seeing the craziness many parents bring to youth sports, I was determined not to join the insanity. I wasn’t going to yell or advise.

I wasn’t going to praise every minute play or action. My plan was to simply enjoy watching them enjoy themselves.

Only I couldn’t. As much as I tried, I still found myself shouting. I wanted my

[ PARENTING ] daughter to swim more aggressively. I wanted my son to put his hand behind his back while catching. He should swing through the ball more. She should call for the ball more. Blah blah blah. I became so disgusted with myself that I became determined to sit at a game and say not utter word of advice. But, well, I couldn’t do it. I failed.

Repeatedly.

And then, in eight minutes, I was cured.

didn’t do the team’s requisite 20 laps as a warm up, and I didn’t practice for another hour after that. Eight minutes total. As I clumsily slogged out of the pool, deprived of breath and barely able to pull my own body weight, I realized I had no business telling my daughter what to do in the water (and there is no added benefit to nitpicking my son’s game, either).

My kids are not playing sports for the scholarship

My daughter’s water polo team had a family polo game, kids against parents, yesterday morning. My husband and I suited up, put on the ridiculous headgear and eagerly jumped in. The old folks warmed up for a minute and tried to stay afloat. Everyone was laughing, giggling, having a fun ol’ time. Then, one second after the initial whistle from the coach, it became clear this was no laughing matter. We had to swim back and forth and back and forth. I could barely keep my head above water while trying to throw the ball. Another player nearly drowned me, appropriately, trying to get the ball (She’s 9). After three minutes I was tempted to tap out.

potential. There is absolutely no justified reason I need to

I didn’t, and wound up playing a whole eight minutes. I

... and stay dry.

coach them from the sidelines. The only outcome I can see is that they get so sick of hearing my commentary that they stop playing. I read in a recent survey that 70 percent of kids stop playing sports by 13. I can see why.

There is so much pressure even without comments from the bystanders. From now on I am a spectator. I am not there to help my kids get better or stronger or more adept at the game. I am not there to teach the coach or the umpire how to do their jobs. I am simply going to enjoy the game, keep my big mouth shut ...

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[ CHILDREN’S HEALTH ]

Making a Splash! Tips on Keeping Everyone Safe in the Water

by Bonnie Lovette, RN, MS, PNP The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that drowning is the leading cause of injury death for children 1 to 4 years of age and the second-leading cause of death for children 1 to 14. While most drownings occur in residential swimming pools, very young children can also drown in bathtubs, buckets or toilets. Non-fatal drownings can lead to brain damage resulting in longterm disabilities.

While the statistics are alarming, your family can have a fun, safe summer if you make water safety a priority.

The most important water-safety skill you can learn as a mother, father or other caretaker is active supervision. Children playing in or near the water need to have an adult constantly supervising them with no distractions — that includes reading, playing cards, or talking and texting on the cell phone.

Water Watch There are three parts to active supervision of young children: attention, continuity and closeness. It is impossible to observe your child 24 hours a day, but you must learn to use active supervision any time the risk of injury to your child is high.

Bonnie Lovette, RN, MS, PNP, is the Injury Prevention Coordinator in Trauma Services at UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospital Oakland

Attention means focusing on your child and on nothing else. Anything that takes your attention away increases your child’s risk of injury. A common distraction is taking a telephone call.

Continuity means watching your child constantly. For example, do not leave your child outside in the wading pool or swimming pool to go inside your home to grab a towel, or to use the restroom.

Closeness means staying close enough to actually touch your child. If you are out of arm’s reach, your ability to prevent injury goes down significantly. Remember: • Active supervision means watching your child in a way that allows you to prevent injuries from happening.

• Active supervision is especially important when there is high risk around water.

• You and other parents should take active supervision turns when at pool parties.

• Other children can never substitute for adult supervision!

Pool Rules Children should never have physical access to the pool without a barrier to deter them. In California, two barriers will soon be required by law. Surround your home swimming pool with a four-sided, isolation pool fence that is at least four-to-five feet tall and has a self-closing and self-latching entry. The gate should separate

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[ CHILDREN’S HEALTH ] the pool from the house and any yard play areas. There should be a pool cover and a pool alarm. The key to keeping your child safe is to have several layers of protection. All parents with pools should learn CPR. If your child is at least four years old, you should enroll him in swimming lessons, but know that just because your child takes classes doesn’t mean he can swim safely without supervision. Children younger than four years of age can’t swim alone safely, even if they have taken swim lessons.

In Your Own Backyard Empty buckets after mopping, or washing your car, and empty and turn over wading pools. A child can drown in one inch of water.

Bath Basic Tub rings or bath seats give a false sense of security about leaving a baby alone in the tub. Older designs with suction cups and larger leg holes can tip over or allow a baby to slide underwater, even with a parent close by. Bathtub rings, often considered safety rings, are not safe. Never leave your baby alone in the tub — even for a second!

Out to Sea Always have your child swim with a buddy and wear a U.S. Coast Guard approved life jacket in a boat as well as in the water. You should also learn about local weather and water conditions in open bodies of water before allowing your children to swim in those areas. Explain to your children that strong currents can carry even expert swimmers out far from the beach or shore.

Swimmer’s Ear When your child is in the water a lot, she has more of a chance of developing swimmer’s ear, an infection of the ear canal. Swimmer’s ear is an outer-ear infection of the skin lining the ear canal, called otitis externa. Swimmer’s ear is usually treated easily, but early treatment is important. Generally, the first symptoms are itching in the ear canal, slight redness of the skin, mild pain and feeling “fullness” or drainage from the ear. Swimmer’s ear often causes ear pain when the ear is touched or when your child puts her head on a pillow. It is essential that you contact your health care provider if you believe your child has swimmer’s ear. Don’t hesitate if she has developed a fever or is in pain.

JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

CAMPING GEAR For The Family

SPORTZ TRUCK TENT 57 SERIES The Sportz Truck Tent allows you to create the ultimate camping oasis wherever your truck takes you. The Sportz Truck Tent assembles in an open-bed pickup truck, allowing you to camp anywhere. It’s perfect to keep behind the seat for any unexpected adventures such as: camping, tailgating, fishing, or even lounging at the beach. us.napieroutdoors.com, $269.99

HOBIE KONA TANDEM KAYAK The lightweight, stackable Hobie Kona tandem Kayak is a snap to paddle, but still features plenty of cargo room, twin cup holders, on-hull paddle storage and two mesh-covered stowage spaces for all your gear. The ideal couples and/or family boat. www.hobie.com, $1249

32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

SOLAR CAMP SHOWER It’s time to trade up!

Constructed of durable PVC, this handy Camp Shower comes with a separate fill cap, on/off valve, and a hanging/carrying handle. www. seattlesportsco.com, $14.95

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

CIAO! BABY HIGHCHAIR Ciao! Baby, the go anywhere highchair, is a practical solution for active families on the go! Great for outdoors, camping, the beach, travel, grandma’s house and small spaces! Comes with a convenient carrying bag too! www.theportablehighchair.com, $67.99

ATRV3 SERIES SURF BOARD Classic and approachable, the ATRv3 series is one of the best all-around recreational boards. Novice or expert, child or adult, the ATRv3 provides an unforgettable experience for everyone. www.hobie.com

TAURUS 6-PERSON TENT The Taurus 6-Person Tent from Alps Mountaineering is all about comfort and convenience. Free-standing, two-fiberglasspole frame is simple to set up using the pole clips. Waterproof, UV-resistant. Two doors allow you to enter or exit without clambering over your all of companions. www.alpsmountaineering.com, $269.99

JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

RHEOS™ SAPELOS FLOATING SUNGLASSES The Rheos™ Sapelos Floating Sunglasses are designed for an oversized fit with a smooth matte finish. Whether you’re hanging out on the lake or floating on the surf, you can finally protect your eyes without worrying about losing your shades.

You’ve never imagined sunglasses as light and comfortable as these! www.rheosgear.com, $50.00

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[ SEASONAL FUN ]

CAMPING GEAR For The Family ECLIPSE TABLE Easy to set up, has room for your drinks and still room for games, the Eclipse Table is a must-have camping essential. You simply buckle the straps at each corner and adjust them to allow the tautness that you prefer. www.alpsmountaineering.com, $44.99

FROSTPAK™ COOLPAK Push it to the limit and be the mountain top picnic hero with this heavy-duty backpack cooler.

Ergonomic shoulder straps will help hold the load of 24 sodas and some homemade sammies. www.seattlesportsco.com, $74.95

UE ROLL 2

HOBIE MIRAGE ECLIPSE This fun, easy-to-transport water sports board allows you to combine recreation and exercise together. The Hobie Mirage Eclipse is the perfect blend of a high-speed kayak and stand up paddle board. www.hobie.com, $2499.00

UE ROLL 2 is meant to go with you on your next adventure.

Equipped with a bungee cord loop, this already small and light speaker is portable and versatile.

You can attach it to your backpack, belt loop or bike, so you can take it anywhere and never be without music. It’s waterproof, drop-proof and built to withstand a beat up, all while delivering epic sound in the palm of your hand. www.ultimateears.com, $99.99

COOLER TUBE A sixer that you can wear.

Throw it over your shoulder as a sling or strap it down to your backpack and enjoy your favorite frosty beverage when you reach your destination. www.mountainsmith.com, $21.95

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[ MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Dear Stepmoms, It’s Okay To Let Go

by Michelle Zunter In the end, there are certain issues you are simply not responsible for.

Michelle Zunter is a perpetually curious human, artist, writer, podcaster, mom, stepmom, and married lady living in California. You can read Michelle’s lifestyle blogs about love, sex, relationships, marriage, divorce, parenting, step-parenting & much more at The Pondering Nook.

You can also listen to Michelle co-hosting at The Broad’s Way Podcast discussing similar topics.

More of Michelle’s featured work can be found at Scary Mommy, Stepparent Magazine, Thought Catalog, Role Reboot, Your Tango, The Natural Parent Magazine & Parent.co.

36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | JULY 2017

“Just let it go!”

Easier said than done for most of us.

“Letting go” is about much more than simply acting like something doesn’t bother you anymore. It’s about consciously moving on without allowing counter-productive thoughts to clutter your mind and essentially consume your life.

There will come a point in your step-mothering journey when you realize you’re hanging on to way too much emotional and mental baggage that needs to be let go of.

Even if you have a good relationship with your stepchild (or stepchildren) there are bound to be things that still drive you bat sh*t crazy. The same goes for your relationship with the biological mom (if there is a relationship).

[ MARRIAGE & RELATIONSHIPS ] If you’re a stepmom and you’re human, then you’ve

If your stepchild is in an unsafe or violent situation and

probably dealt with some ugly thoughts and emotions

you feel you need to take action — that’s a whole

at some point. It’s not pretty and it’s not what most of

other story. I’m talking about the day to day decisions

us ultimately want to have inside our heads — but it’s

that must be gracefully and willingly handed over by a

normal.

stepmother to the biological parents.

For a woman to care for, nurture, and essentially help to

My journey of learning to let go is rooted in the desire to

raise a child in this world either part time or full time it’s a

live a life free of unnecessary chaos. One of the things

challenge not to feel protective or even possessive over

that helps me get through is remembering what’s positive

your stepchildren. Having little or no control over major

about not having complete control over everything. I

decisions in the life of your stepchild, yet finding yourself

remind myself that it’s actually a relief not to have to

dealing with the aftermath of those decisions, is really

be the one making all of the decisions in regards to my

one of the deepest struggles any stepmom will face.

Having little or no control over major decisions in the life of your stepchild, yet finding yourself dealing with the aftermath of those decisions, is really one of the deepest struggles any stepmom will face.

Coming to terms with the fact that you are not a biological parent who has full rights over your stepchildren or that you can’t make all the decisions can be exasperating for many stepmoms out there — especially the ones who are used to being in control, are extremely involved, and have a very close bond with their stepchildren.

I’ll admit it, I’m a control freak by nature and that often spills into my step-parenting. I constantly have to remind myself to pull back. There’s a mom and a dad who get

stepchild. I can cross that off my to-do list and focus my attention elsewhere. I really can.

Once you allow yourself to let go of that steering wheel you’ve been so desperately clutching onto and plop yourself in the backseat — you’ll realize that it’s not so bad. It’s actually freeing. Let mom or dad make the decisions and also let them deal with the consequences of those decisions. If you find yourself stuck in the middle over a decision — just keep referring it back to mom or dad.

As a stepmom, you’re there as a guide and a support system. While you can patiently listen to the gripes of your stepchildren over decisions made by their biological parents, you can also take comfort in knowing that you were not behind those decisions.

first dibs on decisions. I’ve spent years practicing the art of sitting back and letting them do what is ultimately

In the end, there are certain issues you are simply not

their responsibility. This includes swallowing choices that I

responsible for. Instead of taking on anger over the things

completely disagree with.

you can’t control or feel you need to control — focus on accepting what is happening versus what you think

It’s a natural emotion to feel like a protective mama

should happen.

bear when you see something is going wrong with your stepchild or stepchildren. One of the harshest lessons a

It takes practice — trust me. But it’s well worth trying.

stepmom will come up against is learning how to stand

Start with the small issues and work your way up. You’re

aside and let go of controlling situations that affect a

definitely going to fail a bunch of times — of course. But

stepchild she cares about.

other times you’ll get that taste of what truly letting go feels like. For real.

JULY 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 37

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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