Active Family Magazine | August 2019

AUGUST 2019

HOW TO FULFILL New School Year Resolutions

BACK TO SCHOOL PRODUCTS

HOTEL SPOTLIGHT The Phoenician Scottsdale a Luxury Collection Resort

Volume 6 / Issue 66

Preparing Your Child For the New School Year

[ PARENTING ] How to Fulfill New School Year Resolutions

ULTIMATE CABO GETAWAY TWO WAYS, TWO RESORTS — With or Without Kids

24

6

20

A Guide to Navigating Child Support

Back to Work Guilt: 3 Tips to Bounce Back

[ PRODUCTS WE LOVE ]

32

16 Stay With It, Mama: 8 Simple Ways to Enjoy These Final Days of Summer

18

Back to School

How to Say Goodbye to Your College Bound Teen

28

34 [ TRAVEL ] HOTEL SPOTLIGHT: The Phoenician Scottsdale a Luxury Collection Resort

10

34 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

10

28

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area

Publisher/Editor

Marketing Interns

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Talia Dobrec

Advertising Sales Director

Fashion Editor

Whitney Ignacio Whitney@activefamilymag.com

Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com

Travel Editor

Design/Production

Elizabeth Kang ekang@activefamilymag.com

Teresa Agnew Craft

Christine Carter, Ph.D. Elizabeth Kang Roma Khetarpal Jennifer S White Dr. Laura Markham Dr. Michele Borba Denise Garber

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

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Editor’s Note Just as we have adjusted to the summer rhythm, the school year is upon us once again. Time for the frantic rush to complete the never -ending back-to-school ‘to-do’ list. Backpack? Check. Lunch Bag? Check. First day outfit? Check.

School supplies? Check. And the list goes on and on. In an effort to assist with the craziness of the season, we have provided some great articles and advice to help you navigate. Check out ‘Preparing Your Child for the New School Year’ on page 24 as well as our Back to School Product Guide on page 28!

Looking for a last-minute getaway? Scottsdale, AZ is a quick plane ride and is always a lovely option for the entire family. We thoroughly enjoyed our stay at the Phoenician Scottsdale, which offered tons of fun for kids and adults alike. Turn to page 10 to learn more about this fabulous resort!

Wishing you the best of luck in the new school year! Be sure to check out our website at www.activefamilymag.com for additional resources!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

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How to Fulfill New School Year Resolutions

by Christine Carter, Ph.D. Help your kids reach their goals this school year. (Or set some goals for yourself!)

Now that our summer break is wrapping up, I’ve started asking my kids about their hopes for the coming school year. Every year at this time our conversations remind me a little of New Year’s Eve with adults – lots of optimism, but initially no plans concrete enough to justify faith in their intentions.

Here’s the thing: Intentions are never enough. Even full-blown goal-setting isn’t worth much if you don’t do it right.

It’s a mistake not to set goals in a way that’s proven effective; just vaguely wanting to do well in school, make the team, or be class president will not get

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

[ PARENTING ] kids where they want to go. But kids don’t know this; how

needed to do to get to bed by 10:30 p.m. and wake up

could they? We parents need to teach our older kids,

by 6:30 a.m.

our teens, and our college students how to change their behavior in a way that helps them reach their goals.

4. Now break goals down into very specific, ridiculously easy baby steps. What can you do today? Tomorrow?

Enter behavioral psychologist Sean Young, who knows

Here are the baby steps Macie took:

more about behavior change than anyone. Using Sean’s

• Get an alarm that doesn’t bug her (that she won’t resist

framework – as well as the research I wrote about in my book “The Sweet Spot” – I’ve freshened up my plan for

setting).

• Ask a parent to enforce the family rule that phones are

how my kids and I set our goals (and inspire behavior

charged outside of bedrooms. (We let that slip with her

change). This framework can obviously be applied to

over the summer.)

many different types of goals, and I’ve created a goal-

• Set her alarm for 6:30 a.m.

setting worksheet to make it all easy here.

5. Set up the environment to make things easier. Our NOTE: The example below is from the worksheets that I

environment dramatically influences our behavior.

helped my daughter Macie complete last year around

We like to think our behavior is all our personality and

this time. Happily, Macie accomplished her goals and is

preferences, or that it’s the strength of our ironclad will

headed off to college this week! Before she goes, we’ll

that determines our success. But actually, we are hugely

complete a new worksheet.

influenced by the people, places and technology that happen to be in close physical proximity to us.

1. First, state the big goal. What would you like to accomplish in the next three months or so?

This means that to be successful in reaching our goals, it’s very helpful to set up our environment to make things

Macie is a high school senior applying to colleges this

easier, to create what are called structural solutions. This

fall. She knows she needs sleep to be mentally and

usually means removing temptations. For Macie, it meant

physically healthy – and to do well academically and

getting her phone out of her bedroom at night (where it

athletically. Specifically, she hopes that she won’t get

would keep her up) and while she was studying (where

caught in a cycle of exhaustion this year, where she

it would distract her so much she couldn’t finish her

oversleeps and then has to rush out the door in the

homework by bedtime).

morning, skipping breakfast and generally not starting the day well. Her dream is to get eight to nine hours

6. Involve other people. We humans are often more

of sleep each night and get out of bed as soon as her

motivated to do things that we might otherwise resist

alarm goes off at 6:30 a.m. on weekday mornings.

if it makes us feel more of a sense of belonging, or if it deepens or increases our social connections. In addition,

2. Next, break this larger idea down into long-term goals.

involving other people can provide added motivation–a

Long-term goals take up to three months to accomplish.

little external willpower as we establish new habits–

Macie’s long-term goal is to have a 30-day “streak”

getting them to do stuff they’d rather blow off.

of getting eight to nine hours of sleep each night and getting out of bed within five minutes of her alarm going

For example: I make sure Macie is out of bed in the

off in the morning.

morning. If she is not, I annoyingly sing “rise and shine.”

She is too old for this, and it bugs the heck out of her to

3. Break it down again into short-term goals. These

have me hovering in this way. This is sufficient motivation

goals should take one to three weeks to accomplish.

for her to get out of bed before I arrive.

Macie’s first short-term goal was to outline for herself specific morning and evening routines in 10-minute time

7. Identify why the goal is important. Help kids think less

increments. Those specific plans helped her see what she

about what they want to achieve and instead focus on AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7

[ PARENTING ] how they want to feel. Identify a “why” for the goal that

mental victory dance can trigger a little hit of dopamine,

will motivate them over the long haul.

enough to tell your brain to repeat whatever you just did. She is basically giving herself a pat on the back and

We do better when we let go of our logical reasons for

noting how “disciplined” and “on it” she is.

why we want to do something. Why? Because research shows that good, solid, logical reasons for doing

10. Make the behavior more habitual. Once we do

something – like exercising because we want to lower

something on autopilot, everything is easier – we don’t

our blood pressure or ward off cancer – don’t actually provide lasting motivation. It turns out that emotions are far more motivating than achievement goals in the long run.

So help kids shoot instead for a feeling a certain way. For example, maybe they want more confidence or calm.

Macie wants to get out of bed on time because she wants to feel “on it,” “well-rested” and “disciplined.”

8. Make the new behavior a part of their identity. Macie

need much willpower to enact our habitual behaviors.

Can you help kids make the behaviors related to accomplishing their goals habitual in any way? Do this by anchoring behaviors in existing habits or routines, or even a schedule, using a when/then statement: “When I do x, then I will y.” For Macie, it starts at 7 p.m.: “When it’s 7 p.m., I will put my phone in the charging station while I study.”

What are your kids’ goals for this new school year? What

wants to be able to say, “I am a person who is well-rested

are your goals? Now that you have a framework for how

and self-disciplined.” She’s tracking the days she gets

you and your children can achieve those goals, you can

into and out of bed on time, so she can look back and

lead by example to turn talk into something more.

see, “Yup, I’m on it!” Collect evidence that your kids are the type of people who do whatever it is that they are trying to do.

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Rewards need to be immediate or, even better, built into our routine when possible. Macie loves her bed; hitting snooze instead of getting up is its own reward, which makes getting out of bed much more difficult (and who doesn’t relate to that?!) So I’ve worked with Macie to praise herself enthusiastically when she gets out of bed on her own using what B.J. Fogg at Stanford calls the “Yay Me!” reward. Even something as small as a short 8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

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HOTEL SPOTLIGHT: The Phoenician Scottsdale a Luxury Collection Resort

by Elizabeth Kang

As the last Scottsdale-based resort featured in our Scottsdale series, The Phoenician holds its own, with luxurious amenities, superb service, and gorgeous grounds.

As always, we found the off-season rates at this 5-star, 250-acre resort extremely competitive, making the short 2-hour flight from the Bay Area well worth the cost.

With gourmet dining options, (including an award-winning steakhouse,) onsite golf course, numerous sparkling pools, and beautiful, contemporary accommodations, The Phoenician Scottsdale is a destination-worthy resort that’s loads of fun for the entire family. Read on to discover why The Phoenician Scottsdale should be put on your short list of family vacation destinations.

AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

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Kids’ Fun WATER/POOL PLAY With a kids’ zone pool area, adults-only pool, and a pool welcoming the whole family, you may never dry off during your stay. The modernized and expanded pool area is truly an oasis, with a kids’ Surge Splash Pad area perfect for both little and bigger kids that includes a 160-foot-waterslide, misting Sea Turtles, a suspension bridge, splash pad, spray guns, and more. Children will have an absolute blast channeling their inner pirate at the tree house complex, where they can take the helm, walk the plank, and fire water canons.

The sprawling, 112,000-gallon Mother-of-Pearl pool (named for its hand-laid mother-of-pearl tiles,) is a serene oasis for the whole family, with plenty of lounge chairs, shade umbrellas, and private cabanas. You won’t have to lift but a finger to order drinks and lunch from a nearby server, or shimmy over to the poolside Surge Bar to order a frozen cocktail, or non-alcoholic kid-friendly treat. Fish tacos, burgers, and salads are some of the options found on the lunch menu.

IPAD SCAVENGER HUNT Tech-wiz kids will enjoy the iPad Scavenger Hunt, where they can borrow an iPad from the lobby concierge and then follow clues throughout the property to learn its history and explore notable locations throughout the resort.

AQUAMERMAID SCHOOL Other kid-friendly fun to be found is the AquaMermaid School, option to children ages 7 and up — a 60-minute program where kids can learn to swim with a colorful mermaid tail and become an honorary mermaid or (merman.) This program is available Fri-Sun until Sept. 5th.

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FUNICIANS KIDS CLUB The best kid clubs are ones that your kids will actually want to go to, and the Funicians Kids Club is a guaranteed win with children ages 5-12. The club features a variety of daily games, crafts, sports and activities, including video games, board games, charades, and bingo. Adults can enjoy a leisurely dinner, worry free, knowing their kids are in experienced, safe hands.

Adult Fun PHOENICIAN GOLF COURSE Newly redesigned and ready to enjoy, the Phoenician Golf Course boasts brand new holes with re-contoured fairways and resurfaced green complexes, designed by architect Phil Smith. The 18-hole course has been reconfigured to flow naturally, with no surprise bunkers, or blind hazards. Players have access to locker rooms, a pro golf shop, and the 19th Hole — the newly renovated dining establishment.

AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ TRAVEL ] COCKTAIL MIXOLOGY Send the kids off to Funicians Kids Club, and make reservations for the fun and informative Cocktail Mixology class. Master Mixologists will guide guests through crafting their own signature cocktail, with plenty of sampling along the way. The class meets daily, at 2pm.

CAMELBACK MOUNTAIN HIKE Adults and teens will enjoy the two-hour guided morning hike up the Cholla Trail. Hikers will learn all about native flora and fauna while hiking through the beautiful Sonoran Desert. Please note that this activity is only available October through April, and requires a 24-hour advance reservation.

GOLF CART SAFARI A more leisurely scenic tour, the Golf Cart Safari involves a guided 90-minute property tour from the comfort of your own golf cart. Guests will learn about indigenous flora and fauna, as well as interesting facts about the Sonoran Desert and wildlife. This activity is appropriate for the entire family, and 24-hour advance reservations are required.

CACTUS GARDEN The Phoenician proudly houses a two-acre cactus garden, featuring 250 varieties of cacti. This can’t miss attraction is open for tours Monday, Wednesday or Friday. During the month of December, the garden is aglow with holiday lights. Twenty-four-hour advance reservations are required for guided tours. Guests are welcome to stroll the gardens on their own any day of the week.

Comfy & Stylish Accommodations The Phoenician boasts spacious, elegant rooms for any size party. There are standard-sized 500+-square-foot guest rooms available, to sprawling 1,000+-squarefoot suites, both one and two-bedrooms. Rooms are swathed in neutral, tasteful hues of sand, rust and blue, invoking the Sonoran Desert land and sky. There’s not a bad view in the lot, with breathtaking views of the mountains, cityscape, and lush fairways. Guest

[ TRAVEL ] rooms feature private balconies or patios, oversized bathrooms with separate soaker tubs and step-in showers, luxurious Frette Italian linens, and 24-hour room service. Bringing baby? Request a crib and microwave to be set up when you arrive.

Delicious Dining Options With a staggering eight dining options to choose from, guests will never tire of the culinary offerings at the Phoenician. For an elegant, white-tablecloth meal, head to the award-winning J&G Steakhouse for a martini, Wagyu Ribeye or some Alaskan King Crab Legs. Mowry & Cotton offers a fun, casual atmosphere with contemporary, seasonal dishes. Enjoy a craft beer and gourmet burger at the new Phoenician Tavern, or take in the panoramic views at Thirsty Camel, while nibbling on Sonoran inspired food.

The Phoenician also offers traditional afternoon tea service in their new tea room, complete with finger sandwiches, pastries and Devonshire cream. The Mediterranean-inspired menu at Kalio Kabobery keeps poolside guests happy and satisfied, while The Marketplace offers a dazzling display of grab-n-go European-Style sandwiches, desserts, gourmet coffee drinks, and even gelato in house-made waffle cones

Summer Culinary Countdown From May through late September, there are fantastic dining deals to be had at the Phoenician, too.

Specially priced menus are available at the resort’s signature restaurants, including J&G Steakhouse’s $45 menu, Afternoon Tea’s $35 menu, and Mowry & Cotton’s $25 menu.

With endless activities for all ages, the most comfortable and beautiful accommodations, and off-season prices that cannot be beat, the Phoenician Scottsdale is a destination resort worthy of praise (and the cost of a plane ticket.)

THE PHOENICIAN SCOTTSDALE 6000 East Camelback Road Scottsdale, Arizona 85251 800 888 8234 www.thephoenician.com AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

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Roma Khetarpal is the author of The “Perfect” Parent: 5 Tools for Using Your Inner Perfection to Connect with Your Kids and the founder/ CEO of Tools of Growth (www. toolsofgrowth.com), through which she helps parents raise kids to “Be Happy, Think Positive, and Do Good.” She is also a contributor to Huffingtonpost.com and Masalamommas.com.

She is also an Executive Board Member of the Philanthropic Society Los Angeles, which raises funds for Children’s Institute, Inc., and is Member of the Board of Directors for the Santa Clarita Valley Education Foundation, an organization providing support, programs and leadership for K-12 public school education. Khetarpal also serves on the Board of Directors at AM-Touch Dental where she previously served for 20 years as Vice President of Sales and Marketing and where she currently teaches employee relations classes.

She is also working on a line of children’s products that will promote self-understanding and emotional intelligence. (Article first published on Huffington Post)

Back to Work Guilt: 3 Tips to Bounce Back

by Roma Khetarpal “I’ve been lucky enough to be able to work part-time so that I could dedicate more time and attention to raising my two beautiful kids. However, I now have to go back to work full time. As the day approaches, I am having such a hard time with this decision and the guilt is now getting the best of me. Help!”

This is a common and big dilemma for parents and most of the time, it is unavoidable. The sooner you roll your sleeves up and put it in perspective, the better it is for you and your family. So here are three winning suggestions: 1. Accept and respect: If you start to make room for guilt because of a decision that you have had to make, know that it will affect you first and your family next. Sit with yourself or your spouse and evaluate if you have entertained all the options (which I’m sure you have). If so, accept your decision by affirming the following: “I am a great parent and under the

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[ PARENTING ] circumstances, I am doing the best that I can. I accept

undivided, uninterrupted, shared time which will allow

and respect my decision.” This is guaranteed to help you

communication to stay open as you get busier. The gift

move forward.

is renewed parental confidence that will slowly negate self-doubt, guilt, and fear.

2. Discover and recover: Talk to your children and let them know how you are feeling in an age-appropriate manner, of course. Ask them to help you plan and

The more you practice making a habit of this, the better you will feel. The better you feel, the more adjusted you

organize the week so that they, too, know what to expect. Together, come up with new ways of spending family time in the evenings. This will help you uncover a whole new talent in your kids. Keep in mind that kids are very resilient and involving them in the discovery process will help you recover from the guilt.

and your family will get to the new lifestyle. By modeling resilience, you will teach your kids self-reliance as well.

Also, know that change brings about tremendous growth in both adults and children.

And during turbulent, doubtful, guilt-ridden moments, bring yourself back to center with this reminder: ”I am

3. The gift of presence: Before the kids go to bed, dedicate five to ten minutes a day to just hang, doing

a great parent and I am doing the best that I can” and

no-thing. Let them know that that will be special time

take some “YOU” time to refuel and refresh. Raising Kids

to share the day about the day. Put aside laundry,

to Be Happy, Think Positive and Do Good is not just a

chores, cooking agendas, and to-do lists, not just

privilege for stay at home moms. It is an attitude. And

physically, but also mentally, during that time. This

as long as you keep that positive attitude, both you and

is what being “present” is all about —dedicated,

your kids are good to go!

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[ PARENTING ]

Stay With It, Mama: 8 Simple Ways to Enjoy These Final Days of Summer Jennifer S. White is a voracious reader, obsessive writer, passionate yoga instructor and drinker of hoppy ales. She’s also a devoted mama and wife (a stay-at-home yogi). She considers herself to be one of the funniest people that ever lived and she’s also an identical twin. Jennifer is a columnist for The Huffington Post, A Plus, elephant journal and Be You Media Group, and has over 40 articles published on the wellness website MindBodyGreen. Her yoga-themed column Your Personal Yogi ran in the newspaper Toledo Free Press.

She holds a Bachelor’s degree in geology, absolutely no degrees in anything related to literature, and she currently owns a wheel of cheese. If you want to learn more about Jennifer, make sure to check out her writing, as she’s finally put her tendencies to overthink and overshare to good use. Jennifer is the author of The Best Day of Your Life and The Art of Parenting: Love Letters from a Mother, available Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Her brand new book A Quiet Kiss just released this summer, and is also available on Amazon. www.jenniferswhite.com

by Jennifer S White Next week my oldest child turns six. The week after, she starts full-day school for the first time.

She’ll eat lunch without me, for the first time. We’ll be apart for longer than we’ve ever been apart before, unless you count that rare weekend I flew out to see friends or a few other random times in life when I was gone all day, but those were exceptions and not typical.

I’m not okay with her being gone, but I have to be. More, I have to be a grown-up and put on a smile because my daughter is a little nervous about going to kindergarten, and because I already cannot imagine how much her little sister will miss her. (Last year when her big sister was in preschool, my youngest would ask by 10 a.m. if we could go get her.)

I anticipate how I’ll handle this change.

I plan on starting my toddler in a Mommy and Me class, and I envision morning library excursions. But the truth is that I won’t be able to activity away the pain and emptiness that we’ll both surely feel at this loss of our regular companion, my oldest child and her big sister.

We’ll adjust. People always do. Kids, especially, always do, because the nature of childhood is getting into a routine right before it switches up. We’ll

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[ PARENTING ] adjust, but my life will never be the same. This point, of my daughter leaving for full-day school, is a marker in her life and in mine, and although I may seem dramatic, I know

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how important this moment is to the place of where her life with me somewhat ends and her own life shoots off.

We raise our kids to leave us, and we adjust and move forward because we have to, but it still hurts. It’s hurting now just thinking of it. This ache in my heart rises up

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through my throat and splashes down my cheeks at the craziest of times, like when I’m laughing with her, and she’s sitting in my lap and we’re cuddling after we’ve finished dinner, and I have to smoothly excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom for a few minutes.

Mostly, I’m starting this big adjustment by trying not to overthink, by trying not to look forward too much, by

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staying present. Which is hard, considering all of the planning I’m doing right now for her and our family’s new schedule.

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But as often as I can, I just look at her when we play dolls.

I take in how the dimple in her chin becomes deeper as we giggle while pretending a wooden spatula handle is

and what lies ahead, as tucking myself into this treasured

the dolls’ gymnastics balance beam. I enjoy watching

space of these final days of this one summer—that one

the way she plays with her little sister when I’m in the other room and they think I don’t see. I watch how they fight, like siblings who play together do, and I know I’ll miss all of these things in only a matter of weeks.

Here’s our list of a few ordinary, everyday ways we’re enjoying these last few days of summer: 1. Making and eating Jello with whipped cream.

2. Reading our favorite books together.

3. Going to the open-air market for fresh fruits and local treats for snacks.

4. Eating lunch at the zoo.

5. Unrolling our yoga mats next to each other and doing

before my daughter started kindergarten.

I do this, particularly, when I glance at the time and it’s only three, and I think something along the lines of, “Oh my God, two more hours until a glass of wine is appropriate!”

I remind myself that this chaos coupled with the frequent simplicity is a lot of what makes having children beautiful, even if it’s what makes it hard. Having kids is one part magic and one part monotony, and I’ll miss this intricate combination a lot starting in two weeks.

downward dogs.

6. Listening to the rainstorms and talking about what makes thunder and lightening.

I know I’ll have complicated feelings all over again when my youngest goes to school, too. But for right now I hold

7. Looking for rainbows after the rain goes away.

them. I kiss them. I sometimes mediate their fights. I deal

8. Really paying attention to the cool things my kids

with temper tantrums. I take them for ice cream. I’m

come up with when playing pretend.

bored with them on sticky, humid days when it’s nearly too hot to go outside. I make Jello. I look for shapes in the

I stay here as much as I can, not so much ignoring reality

clouds. I enjoy watching my kids be kids.

AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

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ULTIMATE CABO GETAWAY TWO WAYS, TWO RESORTS — With or Without Kids.

by Elizabeth Kang When my circle of friends plan a vacation, two locals are usually at the top of their lists: Disneyland and Hawaii.

I, however, encourage my friends and family to think beyond the same-old usual spots, and consider Cabo San Lucas.

If the last time you visited Cabo involved nonstop pumping club music and a souvenir Señor Frog’s t-shirt, it’s time to discover the classier, quieter side. Baja California Sur offers some of the most high-end, gorgeous resorts in the world, with gracious and genuine Mexican hospitality and unbelievably picturesque locations. And it’s only a two-hour flight from the Bay Area, which is a relief when flying with little ones.

There are resorts for every taste and occasion, from small boutique hotels to huge all-inclusive’s, but I’ve found two particularly perfect spots; one that’s especially serene for adults, and one that’s perfect for the whole family.

CHILENO BAY RESORT One of the newest resorts in Los Cabos, Chileno Bay Resort is situated on the most desirable beach in the

area — Chileno Bay. The resort is nestled in a protected cove, so the still waters are perfect for snorkeling with the kids. The resort provides free snorkeling gear, too, so everything you need is right at your fingertips.

What struck me most at this stunning resort is the perfectly crafted native landscaping and the three gorgeous pools — which the resort is centered around.

The abundant agave plants and native flora dotted throughout the grounds of the property invoke a classy, native Mexican-desert feel, and the flora is perfectly suited to the hip, upscale vibe of Chileno Bay Resort.

Although the atmosphere is modern and upscale, the resort is wonderfully welcoming to children, and even offers a kid’s club. Children enjoying the family pool are treated to poolside snacks such as house-made popsicles in local flavors and fresh fruit on a stick. And the beach is just a few steps away for swimming and snorkeling. (On our visit, we were delighted to see all kinds of tropical fish while snorkeling.)

When tummy’s start rumbling, you won’t have to go far AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ TRAVEL ]

for delicious, authentic food. There are two dining options at the resort, both spectacular. For lunch, we enjoyed mouthwatering poolside tacos from the more casual of the two options — TnT. This beachside taco bar is the perfect spot to grab lunch with sandy feet, or have food delivered poolside by ordering from the pool servers. Juicy al pastor tacos are piled high with meat and perfectly garnished with charred pineapple, and the ultra-crispy shrimp tacos were memorable, as well.

Chileno Bay Resort. I highly recommend this 5-star resort for a relaxing, upscale stay with modern, upscale vibes, (with or without kids-in-tow.)

For a more refined option, you can’t go wrong with Comal, which offers local, seasonal Mexican-American fare with beautiful views of the ocean, and live music. The fresh, local fish is a standout, as are the fresh oysters garnished with innovative sauces. Service at Comal is flawless, with friendly and knowledgeable servers.

This little slice of paradise is tucked away on the only private beach in Cabo, with spectacular crashing waves.

The highlights of Esperanza are the gorgeous oceanside infinity pool and stunning open-air restaurant, with cliffside tables perched high up on a promontory, offering surreal views of the Sea of Cortez. This 5-star resort feels like living in a dream, especially in the evening when soft, warm lighting glows throughout the resort, like welcoming fireflies twinkling all around.

Come bedtime, you’ll find comfortable beds and modern amenities in your large, spacious room. Our room was tastefully decorated in a local, minimal style, with an oversized bathroom area and large balcony. We were happy to discover an array of complimentary snacks welcoming us, which come standard in every room.

I’m already dreaming about my next family-friendly stay at 22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

ESPERANZA, AN AUBERGE RESORT It doesn’t get more elegant, intimate or breathtaking than Esperanza. This resort is truly a memorable, special place — a spot that’s perfect for celebrating a honeymoon, baby moon, special anniversary or milestone birthday.

Upon arrival, we were warmly greeted and checked into our lovely suite, which was elegantly decorated in a neutral colors, and natural, old-world materials. All suites and casitas offer ocean views, and our two-queen suite boasted a huge outdoor patio and private infinity-edge

[ TRAVEL ] hot tub. The rooms at Esperanza are so beautiful and relaxing that one could happily spend the entire day lounging on the balcony.

We were served by a few outstanding waiters, including a knowledgeable bartender who crafted us unique cocktails based on our preferences.

But there’s so much more to enjoy, and you’ll want to take a swim in the lovely infinity pool and spa, as well. Esperanza is a smaller-scale hotel with an almost boutique feel, so its always quiet and intimate. When I walked the few steps down to the private beach I was pleased to discover that I had the entire beach to myself, along with a private beachside cabana to enjoy watching the huge, crashing waves. Luckily, a friendly server is never far off to serve a beachside (or poolside) craft cocktail.

There are a few other dining options at Esperanza, including a casual, kid-friendly restaurant, Las Estrellas, offering tacos, salads, and other casual fare, with ocean views. Las Estrellas is located in the family friendly area of the resort, tucked away by the family pool.

One of the most memorable meals of my life was experienced at Esperanza’s onsite restaurant, Cocina del Mar. We were lucky enough to be seated at one of the tables at the very edge of the rocky cliffside outdoor eating area. The stunning, almost 360 degree views were ultra-romantic and surreal, and the service and food matched the scenery. Cocina del Mar specializes in coastal Baja cuisine, with freshly caught seafood and simple preparation that highlights the fresh ingredients.

On that note, I was impressed by the way Esperanza designed their resort to be both adult-friendly and familyfriendly. The resort offers the two distinct sections to feel completely separated, yet they are not far from one another. In fact, if I wasn’t told about the family-friendly area upon arrival, I would have never even known it was there, as the main adult section of the resort is quiet and well removed.

Either of these memorable resorts would make a wonderful vacation, with or without children — and if your’e anything like me, you’ll be planning your return on the flight back home.

AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ PARENTING ]

Preparing Your Child for the New School Year

by Dr. Laura Markham Here in the United States, the last weeks of summer are already upon us, and the new school year is right around the corner. Whether you can’t wait till your kids are back in school or dread the more regimented days ahead, there’s one thing you can count on: Back to School is always a big transition.

Kids who are starting school for the first time or moving to a new school have to cope with the biggest adjustment, but even moving up a grade means facing more academic demands, a new teacher, and a changing social circle. The good news is that a little bit of preparation and forethought--a very little bit, so you can enjoy these last weeks of summer!--can make those first weeks of school easier for your kids – and yourself.

Here’s how: 1. Make sure your child is familiar with the school.

If she was at the same school last year, great! You only need to talk about any differences this year.

• “Now that you’re in first grade, you get to play on the big kids playground, and go eat in the lunchroom with the other kids.”

• “Now that you’ll be in third grade, you’ll have homework every day.”

Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

• “Now that you’ll be in middle school, you’ll be walking by yourself. We’ll need to practice crossing Main Street.”

But if this is her first year at this school, then you’ll want to take some trips there.

Even if there is a formal orientation day just before school begins, start now by taking a trip to the school. If you can get access to the playground, that’s a terrific way to help your child bond with her new school. If not, at least admire it through the fence and get her excited about the slide or climbing structure.

If the building is open, by all means walk in together to check it out. If you’re allowed to poke your head in the library, peer into a classroom or two, and use the bathroom (important in making her feel more secure there) you’ve hit the jackpot. You may not get much further than the office, where you can explain that your child will be starting school in the fall and wanted to see what the school was like, and introduce her to the front office staff. Either way, the more your child sees of the school, the less she’ll fret with fear of the unknown, and the more comfortable she’ll feel on the first day.

2. Take advantage of any orientation opportunities.

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

[ PARENTING ] Many schools let new students, especially in the younger

the feeling of familiarity will help your child bond with

grades, come to school for an orientation session

her.

before school begins. If the school doesn’t have such a program, ask if you and your child can come by to meet

If you notice in the first week of school that your child

the new teacher for a few minutes a day or so before

doesn’t seem to have connected with his teacher,

school starts. Teachers are busy preparing their rooms

don’t hesitate to immediately contact her. Just explain

and materials at that time, but any experienced teacher

that your child was excited before school started but

is happy to take a few minutes to meet a new student

doesn’t seem to have settled in yet. You’re hoping that

and make him feel comfortable, since she knows that

the teacher can make a special effort to reach out to

helps her students settle into the school year.

him so he connects with her and feels at home. Virtually all teachers understand this issue and will pay extra

3. Facilitate your child’s bonding with the teacher.

attention to your child during that first week if you make

All kids need to feel connected to their teacher to feel

a nice request. My own daughter cried every day at the

comfortable in the classroom. Until they do, they are not

start of fourth grade until I had a conversation with the

ready to learn. Experienced teachers know this, and

teacher; a week later she loved him and couldn’t wait to

“collect” their students emotionally at the start of the

go to school in the morning.

school year. Obviously, if you can arrange for your child to meet the teacher in advance, by all means do so. But

4. Facilitate bonding with the other kids.

there are lots of ways to help your child feel like he knows

Kids are always nervous about their new teacher, but if

even a teacher he’s never met.

they know any of the other kids, they’ll feel more at ease.

If you’re new in town, make a special effort to meet other

Once you find out your child’s classroom assignment,

kids in the neighborhood. Often schools are willing to

begin talking about the teacher in fond and familiar

introduce new families to each other, allowing kids to

terms.

connect with other new students in the weeks before school starts. Even if your child is not new to the school,

“When you’re in Ms. Williams class, I bet she’ll be

find out what other kids are in her class and arrange

impressed with what a great cleaner-upper you are.”

a playdate so she’ll feel more connected if she hasn’t

“I’m pretty sure that Ms. Williams reads stories to the

seen these kids all summer. If you can arrange for your

kids; she might read your favorite book if we bring it to

son or daughter to travel to school that first morning with

school.”

a child he or she knows, even if they aren’t in the same classroom, it will ease last minute jitters.

If you can find a photo of Ms. Williams, by all means put it up on your refrigerator and speak to it fondly

5. Practice saying goodbye.

“Ms. Williams, you are a great kindergarten teacher and

For many children, the biggest challenge will be saying

I just know you and my David are going to love each

goodbye to you. Orchestrate small separations to

other!”

practice saying goodbye, and develop a parting routine, such as a hug and a saying like

If you know other kids who have been in Ms. Williams’ class, ask them to tell your child what their favorite thing

“I love you, you love me, have a great day and I’ll see

was about her.

you at 3!”

Encourage your child to draw a picture to bring Ms.

You might give your child a token to hold on to that

Williams on the first day, and to pick out a shiny red apple

reminds her of you, such as a cut-out heart with a love

for her. Note that it doesn’t really matter what kind of

note, your scarf, or a small stone you found on the beach

teacher Ms. Williams is. Your child will feel a fondness for

together, that she can keep in her pocket while you’re

her to which she is likely to respond favorably. Regardless,

apart and give back upon your return. Most kids like to AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ PARENTING ] have a picture of the family in their backpacks. Be sure

own stories about things you loved about school.

to use the suggestions above for helping her bond with

Encourage her questions by asking what she thinks

her new teacher; she needs to transfer her attachment

school will be like. That will help her to express any fears

focus from you to the teacher if she is to successfully let

she hasn't articulated, but that are making her nervous.

you go.

Emphasize the things you think she’ll enjoy but be sure 6. Ask the school whether you will be able to walk your

not to minimize her fears; kids can be stricken by worries

child into the classroom and hand him off to the teacher.

that adults might find silly, like finding the bathroom at

Find out how long you will be able to stay. If you suspect

school. Normalize any fears and reassure her that she

that your child might have a hard time saying goodbye,

will have fun, that the school can reach you if necessary,

by all means speak with the teacher now and make

and that your love is always with her even when you

a plan for how to handle the first day. Maybe every

aren’t. Be sure to end every conversation with “and

morning you will read your child one story and then take

when school is over I will be there to pick you up and

her over to the teacher when you say goodbye, so the

we’ll have a special snack while you tell me all about

teacher can comfort and distract her.

your day” so that every time your child thinks about school, she remembers this reassurance.

Once you have a plan, begin describing to your child what will happen at school. But don’t emphasize the

8. If a younger sibling will be at home with you

goodbye, keep right on going with how fun the day will

If a younger sibling will be at home with you, be sure

be:

your child knows how boring it will be at home and how jealous you and the younger sibling are that you don’t

“Every morning you will pick a book for me to read to

get to go to school like a big kid. Explain that every day

you. When we finish the story, we will find Ms. Williams

after school you will have special time with your big girl

together. We’ll give each other a big hug and say

to hear all about her day and have a snack together.

our special goodbye. Then Ms. Williams will hold your hand and take you to the block corner where you and

9. Get your kids back on an early to bed schedule well

Michael can build a tall tower while I go to work. You

before school starts.

will have snack, and play outside, and read stories,

Most kids begin staying up late in the summer months.

and have lunch. Every day when I pick you up I will be

But if you have to wake your child for school in the

excited to hear what you built in the block corner that

morning, then your child has not had enough sleep.

day.”

Children need 9 1/2 to 11 hours of sleep a night, depending on their age and individual physiology.

7. Start conversations about the next grade at school or

(Teens need a minimum of 9.5 hours; toddlers usually

about beginning school.

do best with 11 hours). Getting kids back on schedule

One good way to do this is to select books relating to

so they’re sound asleep by 9pm, so they can wake by

that grade. Your librarian can be helpful; some good

themselves at 7am for school takes a couple of weeks of

choices include books by Alan & Janet Ahlberg, Stan &

gradually moving the bedtime earlier.

Jan Berenstain, Dianne Blomberg, Marc Brown, Lauren Child, Julie Danneberg, Bonnie Graves, James Howe,

Imposing an early bedtime cold turkey the night before

Beth Norling, Marisabina Russo, and Amy Schwartz.

school starts results in a child who simply isn’t ready for an earlier bedtime, having slept in that morning and

Get your kids excited by talking about what they

with the night-before-school jitters. In that situation, you

can expect, including snack, playground, reading,

can expect everyone’s anxiety to escalate. So keep

computers, singing and art. If you know other children

an eye on the calendar and start moving bedtime a

who will be in his class or in the school, be sure to

bit earlier every night by having kids read in bed for an

mention that he will see or play with them. Share your

hour before lights out, which is also good for their

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

[ PARENTING ] reading skills.

Be alert for signs that your child is worried, and reflect that most kids are a little nervous before the first day

10. Wake up your child’s brain.

of school, but that he will feel right at home in his new

You aren’t the teacher, and you don’t need to start

classroom soon.

school before the school year starts by pulling out the flashcards or assigning math problems. On the other

13. Get yourself to bed early the night before school...

hand, research shows that kids forget a lot during the

...so you can get up early enough to deal calmly with

summer. (Don't worry, they learn a lot from playing,

any last minute crises. Be sure kids – including teens! – lay

too.) If your child has been reading through the summer

out clothes the night before, that lunches are made,

months, congratulations! If not, this is the time to start.

and that everyone gets enough sleep and a healthy

Visit the library and let him pick some books he’ll enjoy.

breakfast. Plan to arrive at school early so you have time

Introduce the idea that for the rest of the summer

for meaningful goodbyes. And don’t forget that “first day

everyone in the family (you can include yourself if you like, or you can read to them) will read for an hour every day.

And if your child has assignments to complete, don’t wait for him to remember the day before school starts that he was supposed to write a book report. Finish summer work at least a week before school starts, so he can relax for the rest of vacation.

11. Let your child choose his own school supplies... ...whether from around your house or from the store, and ready them in his backpack or bag.

12. The day before school starts, talk about exactly what will happen the next day... ...to give your child a comfortable mental movie: “We’ll get up early tomorrow for your first day in Ms. Williams’ class. We will drive there together and I will take you into her classroom and introduce you to her.

She will make sure you know all the other kids, because

of school” photo before you leave home!

14. If your child gets teary when you say goodbye If your child gets teary when you say goodbye, reassure her that she will be fine and that you can’t wait to see her at the end of the day. Use the goodbye routine you’ve practiced, and then hand her off to her teacher.

Don’t leave her adrift without a new attachment person, but once you’ve put her in good hands, don’t worry. Experienced teachers know about first day jitters and are used to bonding with their charges. Her tears won’t last long. If your child continues to have a hard time separating, be sure to speak with the teacher.

Maybe she can give her a special job every morning, or facilitate a friendship with another child who has similar interests.

15. Make sure you’re a few minutes early to pick your child up that first week of school.

Not seeing you immediately will exacerbate any anxieties he has and may panic him altogether. If your

they will be your new friends. I will read a book to you

child cries when you pick him up, don’t worry. You’re

and then we will hug and say our special goodbye.

seeing the stress of his having to keep it together all day

Then Ms. Williams will take you to the block corner so

and be a big boy. Your return signals that it’s safe to be

you can build a tower. Ms. Williams will show you where

his babyself again, take it as a compliment.

the bathroom is, and you can ask her anytime you need to go. There will be games and books and blocks, and

This is true for kids of all ages, who may have

she will read to the class. You will get to have fun on the

uncharacteristic meltdowns during the first week of

playground with the other kids, and you will get to sit at

school, or just before school starts. Chalk it up to stress,

a desk like the big kids. And at the end of the day, Ms.

don’t be hard on them, and be sure you’re there to talk

Williams will bring you to me on the school steps, and I

so they don’t have to resort to tantrums. Before you know

will be there to pick you up and hear all about your first

it everyone will be comfortable in their new routine and

day at school.”

not even looking back as they race into school.

AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

Back To School

[ PRODUCTS WE LOVE ]

PRODUCTS WE LOVE

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ICLEVER KIDS HEADPHONES Recommended to protect vulnerable and sensitive ears with 85dB volume limiting (recommended for kids age of 3-12). Playful CAT-INSPIRED design. www.amazon.com, $14.99

GALANZ RETRO MINI FRIDGE The Galanz Retro Mini Fridge is perfect for college students! It offers an on-trend retro chrome design complete with the technology of a modern-day appliance that is perfect for any dorm room! Available at Target and Home Depot, the Retro Mini Fridge comes in blue, red, and black. $219

GOOGLE PIXELBOOK Use it as a laptop, or watch your favorite shows. Fold it into a tablet, or stand it up.

Google Pixelbook is the first laptop with the Google Assistant* built in. Its super thin, 4-in-1 design includes a long-lasting battery and 7th Gen Intel® Core™** processor. It also comes with all the apps you already know and love. store.google.com, From $999

28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

BOOST®UP™ SPECIAL EDITION WIRELESS CHARGING PAD Simplify charging with the only premium wireless charging pad designed exclusively for iPhone models 8 and later including iPhone XS, XS Max and XR - just lay your phone onto the charging pad and go! www.belkin.com, $69.99

[ PRODUCTS WE LOVE ]

BEES WRAP Wrap bread, cheese, vegetables, or cover a bowl! Bee's WrapÂŽ is the sustainable, natural alternative to plastic wrap for food storage. www.beeswrap.com, $18 for 3-pack

AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

[ PRODUCTS WE LOVE ] LIFEPLANNER™ Stay organized during the school year!

The signature 7"x9" coiled LifePlanner™ is the perfect canvas for your busy life!

Proven to increase time management and productivity! Choose from multiple designs! $55.00, www.erincondren.com

32 OZ BIG MOUTH MADE FOR THE OUTDOORS. Big enough for a whole day, the 32 oz Wide Mouth bottle is made with professional-grade stainless steel and a wider opening for faster fill. Keep hydrated throughout the school day! $39.95, www.hydroflask.com

18 OZ STANDARD MOUTH ICE. WATER. GO. Keeping your fluid intake on the upside is easy when you’ve got this portable travel buddy. Whether you’re headed to class or a quick jaunt across town, you can easily take your refreshment with you. $29.95, www.hydroflask.com

HYDRO FLASK KIDS 12 OZ Small size. Big adventure.

Just the right size for little hands, the Hydro Flask for kids is made with the same stainless steel and double wall vacuum insulation as their bigger bottles. $29.95, www.hydroflask.com

30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

Back To School

[ PRODUCTS WE LOVE ]

PRODUCTS WE LOVE UNDER ARMOUR HUDSON BACKPACK

UA Storm technology delivers an element-battling, highly water-resistant finish.

Compression molded shoulder straps for total comfort. Tons or storage for laptop, water bottles and smaller items. $89.99, www.underarmour.com

THE NORTH FACE RECON BACKPACK UNDER ARMOUR HUSTLE 3.0 BACKPACK Perfect for books and laptop.

Tough, abrasion-resistant bottom panel. Soft-lined laptop sleeve—holds up to 15” laptop.

Water-repellent front valuables pocket to keep your stuff safe. $54.99, www.underarmour.com

THE NORTH FACE ROUTER BACKPACK Carry everything you need in this large backpack made of hyper-durable ballistics nylon and crafted with a padded haul handle on the exterior. Features a front organizational compartment, a larger main compartment, and a 17" laptop compartment. $149, www.thenorthface.com

RAZORX DLX ELECTRIC SKATEBOARD

Stay organized while navigating from point A to B with the ultra-durable, 30-liter Recon daypack that’s had a sharp redesign to feature enhanced compartments and pockets, and improved suspension and materials for all-day comfort. $99, www.thenorthface.com

THE NEW E PRIME AIR

BY RAZOR Razor’s Last Mile® Electric Scooter. Grab a helmet and off to school you go! Perfect synthesis of power, speed, design and comfort! Up to 15 MPH. Ages 14 and up. www.razor.com, $419.00

This is the new era of skateboards! The RazorX DLX is a high-performance, high-quality skateboard, powered by an electric rear-wheel motor and controlled by a hand-held remote.

Ages 9 and up. www.razor.com, $289.99

AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31

[ PARENTING ]

Contra Costa Child Support Services www.co.contra-costa.ca.us/1374/ Child-Support-Services 866-901-3212

A Guide to Navigating Child Support

by Denise Garber, Child Support Specialist III Do you find yourself in a single parent household? Are you sharing custody of your little one(s) with the other parent? Are you a grandparent or guardian, who is taking care of others’ children? If you can relate to any one of these scenarios, then keep reading to see how the Contra Costa County Department of Child Support Services (DCSS) can help you. This article will explore who DCSS is and how their program works. When you are equipped with knowledge about the child support program, it can make the whole experience much less intimidating. All parents have a responsibility to support children and this article is designed to provide you with knowledge about the world of paternity establishment, and child and medical support, so you can obtain the help you may need to care for your children. DCSS is here to act as a go between for parents and guardians in child support matters.

The child support services program in Contra Costa County has a dedicated staff of Child Support Specialists and Assistants whose job it is to manage the 27,000 plus child support cases that they have been entrusted with. They collect approximately $70 million in financial support for families every year and are the “middle ground” between you and the other parent.

32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

[ PARENTING ] In 1975, the federal government enacted the Child Support Enforcement and Paternity Establishment Program (CSE) to recoup cash public assistance paid

paid, including interest on arrears.

• Modify existing orders when circumstances have changed.

to parents and guardians to help them support their children. The mission of the program was to promote

Because of the word “child” in their program name,

parental responsibility, and to assist families in becoming

DCSS has often been confused with Child Protective

financially self-sufficient. In California, local responsibility

Services and Child Welfare, which are very different

of the program was under the control of each county’s

agencies with very different purposes. DCSS does not

District Attorney’s Office. The program was typically

directly work with children and many child-related issues,

operated using a prosecutorial model that was more

such as:

punitive than helpful and customer centric. In 1999, due to legislative reform, a new program, called the

• Custody and visitation;

Department of Child Support Services (DCSS), was

• Divorce proceedings;

created and operation of the program was converted

• Obtain or enforce restraining orders; and

from the District Attorney’s Office to new Local Child

• Juvenile or dependency matters.

Support Agencies (LCSAs) in each county. This brought about a more collaborative approach between DCSS

The benefits of opening a case with DCSS are many. Here

and the families they serve. DCSS has worked to rebrand

are some of the benefits offered to families:

their image since the days of the District Attorney’s Office, and although their mission continues to promote

• Modification of support orders:

parental responsibility and assist families in becoming

o No filing fees

financially self-sufficient, they are guided by their

o DCSS attorneys provide impartial representation

purpose, which is to listen to, respect and support their

of the child support issue in court – does not

customers so that children can receive the emotional

represent the parties themselves

and financial support they need to thrive.

o Facilitates Stipulations (agreements) without court appearance

The basic functions of DCSS are to:

• Serves Income Withholding Orders (garnishes wages)

• Locate absent parents, their employment and assets.

• Custodian of Record:

to obtain support payments • Establish paternity for children conceived out of wedlock: o Testing to determine paternity is free and DCSS

o Keeps track of support payments o Retains copies of support orders • Enforcement tools to collect on delinquent support,

uses a Buccal Swab, which is a big Q-tip that rubs

including:

the inside of the cheek to collect a DNA sample for

o Tax refund intercepts

genetic testing.

o Passport and license suspension, and more

• Establish fair/right-sized child support orders based on parenting time (aka timeshare), and income and

There is a nominal fee of $35 annually assessed for these

ability to pay, among other factors.

services when $550.00 of child support paid to the family

• Establish health insurance orders so that the children

is collected in the prior year and the parent or guardian

will have health insurance if available through the

has never received cash public assistance (CalWORKS in

other parent’s employer at a reasonable cost.

California).

• Collection of child support, spousal support and arrears (unpaid support).

• Keep accurate accountings of payments received and

To learn more about DCSS and their services please visit: childsupport.ca.gov AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33

[ PARENTING ] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek, People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail.

She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited

by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba

How to Say Goodbye to Your College Bound Teen

by Dr. Michele Borba Parenting advice for before, during, and after your teen’s move from home and off to college for a positive send-off After all the test-taking, application filling, essay editing, campus touring, and acceptance-waiting, the big event is almost here: dropping your teen off at college. You’d think that would be the easy part, but move-in day on college campuses is actually a high anxiety, emotionally draining affair. (So says the voice of experience! Believe me, you’re never prepared enough).

There are boxes to unload, roommates to meet, dorms to find. And there’s also that final moment when you know you have to say goodbye to your teen who may be leaving home for the first time. (Sigh!) So what are ways to handle this momentous event so that both parent and teen can have the best possible sendoff? I did a TODAY Show segment with Natalie Morales and the two of us ended up in tears just discussing this on air. So a word of warning… this can be a roller coaster ride of emotions. College sends off dates vary greatly per university, but regardless if whether you’ve already said goodbye or are anticipate the big event, here are a few parenting strategies–What to do before the big day, on the actual move in day, and in the days and weeks after the move-– to help both teens and parentssay those final goodbyes and have a positive send-off.

34 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

[ PARENTING ] Step 1: BEFORE THE BIG DAY

gauze, adhesive tape, antibiotic ointment, an ice pack,

Be prepared

thermometer, medicines for upset stomach, headache,

Letting go is going to be different than you expected and

cold or flu, sore throat lozenges or spray), a just-in-case

far more emotionally charged. After all, we’ve been so

phone card, a surprise batch of homemade cookies or

involved in our kids’ lives and have been determined to

nibbles for the dorm.

give them the best. And frankly this is a huge economic investment. So recognize your feelings and sort out your

Step 2: THE BIG MOVE-IN DAY

emotions before the big departure. This is the time to use

Don’t get too involved in the “roommate” scene

restraint. It’s probably best not to say, “What am I going

Introduce yourself, and then lay low. Your kid doesn’t

to do without you?”

want you explaining your family history. If you don’t like the roommate, keep a poker face. Let your kid

Have those “significant talks” before the big drop off

be the one to voice his concerns – not you. This is not

Don’t count on having a momentous goodbye once you

like a playdate where you arrange everything, but a

get to campus. The day is guaranteed to be hectic and

relationship your teen needs to work through alone. Give

stressful and not the best time to air your list of parental

it time.

concerns. Instead have the meaningful talk or one last big lecture to discuss those things that could become

Take your teen’s lead

areas of contention a few days before you leave home.

Don’t come with set expectations. Your role is to support

You might want to make a list of things you want to

your teen and you never know how he’ll respond. The

discuss: financial matters (like spending money and that

same kid who was so excited may be suddenly scared to

credit card); your expectations; how you’ll stay in touch;

death to move. If he appears overwhelmed give him one

when you’ll see each other next; and those safety issues

thing to do right at that moment to get him started (“Go

like binge drinking and date rape (most parents say

find your dorm room; take that box put it at door.”) P.S.:

safety is their biggest concern). A prior talk (if you think it

Don’t be shocked if he wants you to leave ASAP (why it’s

is needed) will let you and your kid focus on move-in day

great you had that talk).

and have a more positive departure.

Help your teen locate “essential” places Anticipate concerns

If you haven’t already done so in orientation help

You know your teen best, so get into his shoes. What

your child find for his sanity and safety: pharmacy for

might cause him a few worries that he may not verbalize

prescription refills. (If your teen is on medication, drop

but deep down are causing more than a few anxious

off the first prescription); bank (there probably is an ATM

nights. What if I have an asthma attack? What if I

machine on campus, but sometimes it may not be the

don’t get my classes? What if I don’t get along with my

same bank as your teen’s so set up a new bank account

roommate? Think through those “what ifs…” and drop a

with a checkbook; the dorm RA (Resident Assistant) who

few casual solutions. “I noticed there’s an infirmary right

is your kid’s safety net. If you have any special medical

on campus.” “Here’s the website for changing classes…”

concerns about your child, that’s the person to privately

The secret is to empower your teen with solutions to

discuss those needs; and the infirmary. Tell him to go

reduce those predictable worries and concerns.

there in case he’s sick.

Simplify the move

Don’t be too quick to fix things

Most kids are embarrassed pulling up in a big moving

This is the time to start switching your role from

van. So think of boxes that are easy to pack (and throw

micromanager to mentor. It’s time to gently cut that

away). Or a wardrobe already on hangers that can

umbilical cord. Let your teen know with your actions that

quickly be put into the closet. Bring a few things in one

you won’t continue to be the fix things and intervene

box you know your kid will not have packed: a First-

when a problem arises and convey the belief that you

aid Care Package (plastic container with bandages,

know he can do it.

AUGUST 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 35

[ PARENTING ] Think about your parting message

world and learning to get along with a roommate is part

When that final moment does come stay as composed

or that parcel.

as possible. (Do bring Kleenex and aspirin just in case).

Your child needs to know you’ll be okay without him.

Expect a bit of homesickness

The final words between you and your child are key.

It is common for freshman to get those pangs of

Say whatever wisdom you have to offer, whether it is ‘I

homesickness and usually kicks in within the first two

love you,’ ‘I’m behind you,’ ‘I’m proud of you.’ Your child

weeks. Beware: how parents respond to their teens’

really will remember those words. If you can’t express

complaints can exacerbate or reduce those feelings.

yourself, write your thoughts down and mail the letter to

Don’t be so quick to go making that surprise visit and

your teen immediately after you arrive home. Just don’t

packing him up to come home. Research finds that too

drag out the goodbye. Your kid doesn’t need (or want)

many phone calls actually increases homesickness. Email

you hugging and crying and having the long goodbye in

correspondence is a better response until your teen can

front of their new roommate and the rest of the world.

get his bearings. Look for a slow ebbing of homesickness, which usually subsides once kids get involved in the

Take a second to glance back one final time

school scene.

Recognize who your child has become. He’s in a whole new world now, and you’ve helped him become the

Don’t go dashing home to change your teen’s room

person he is today. This is what parenting is all about.

The student’s room is ‘home base’ so try not to change it

Drive off. Cry a bit. But also remember to celebrate the

very much during his or her first semester away. Freshmen

moment. You deserve it!

in particular can go through some very difficult times, passing exams, establishing new friendships, surviving in

Step 3: AFTER THE MOVE

a setting where they are not ‘top dog,’ and often fearing

Know the best time to connect and stick to it

that admissions has made a mistake—fearing they do

Recognize your teen is trying to fit in and adjust. His

not really belong at college. Give them a ‘safe haven.’

roommate may not appreciate your 7 am wake-up calls.

(And do know research shows that the highest rates of

Ask what are the best times and dates to connect and

drop-outs happens in that freshman college year).

by what method: text, phone, email or mail. Do know that most teens say texting is their preferred form of

Watch the cash flow

contact.

About 3 weeks is usually when there’s suddenly a cash flow problem and the request for loans kicks in. Stick

Stay connected with school happenings

to the financial agreement you set with your child and

Go online to the school’s website. Print out the football

watch your credit card statements. Remember, money

schedule and find out things such as when fraternities

management is part independent living.

rush or if there’s a speaker series. Check into things you know your kid would be interested in which can become

One of my favorite sayings is a Navaho proverb: “We

great talking points and help you stay involved with your

raise our children to leave us.” This is one of those

teen’s new life. It’s also a way to gauge if your child is not

supreme moment of parenting. Part of good parenting

connecting with the school.

is facilitating your teen’s personal development and not just accomplishments.

Step back of those roommate hassles Listen but don’t be too judgmental. Remember a big

Do keep in mind you’re not losing a child. You’re gaining

part of college is learning life skills to get along in the

an adult!

36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2019

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