AUGUST 2020
Too Much Television? How to Curb Your Kids’ TV Time
COACHING How to Maintain Your Relationship During a Quarantine
YOUR DAUGHTER THROUGH
Friend Drama
Volume 7 / Issue 78
[ PARENTING ] What to Say To Your Child About the Coronavirus -- and How To Cope As a Parent
6
Coaching Your Daughter Through Friend Drama
14 Too Much Television? How to Curb Your Kids’ TV Time
How to Maintain Your Relationship During a Quarantine
Tips for Families to Integrate Technology at Home in a Healthy Way During the Pandemic
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18
12
6 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
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Editor’s Note The school year is upon us and many parents are still left wondering what the months ahead will look like as we resort to distance learning yet again. You are not alone! Now more than ever it’s important to start reaching out to your social bubble, create learning pods and find ways to supplement your child’s education. Easier said than done, we realize! Hang in there and keep an eye on our social media pages as we continue to post helpful information to get you through these challenging times. In the interim, kick back and enjoy the August issue which provides plenty of helpful advice from our seasoned parenting experts. Looking for more articles, check out our website at www.activefamilymag.com. Enjoy your August! Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com
4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
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[ PARENTING ]
What to Say To Your Child About the Coronavirus –and How To Cope As a Parent by Dr. Laura Markham
As if parenting weren't already hard enough! Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone. You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.
As more and more schools close, panic is rising in the US about the coronavirus pandemic. There is obviously reason to be very concerned, as we see families struggling in Italy, China and across the world. It's scary that we don't know what's ahead, and how bad will things get, health-wise and economically. At times like this, it's easy to let anxiety take over. But obsessing about the virus only makes us more anxious, and doesn't keep anyone healthier. Instead of letting ourselves become infected by fear, let's take constructive action to keep ourselves and our families safe, and then let's take responsibility for our emotional reactions as well.
6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
[ PARENTING ] The truth is that life is always full of uncertainty and risk,
(In fact, the World Health Organization (WHO) says
and we never really know what will happen. Anyone can
that 92% of reported Covid-19 patients experience the
die at any time, but that thought is so frightening that we
symptoms usually associated with a cold or mild flu -- a
usually live in denial so that we can cope. Unusual world
dry cough and low fever, sometimes sore throat, mild
crises like pandemics terrify us because they puncture
gastrointestinal symptoms -- and fully recover within 6 to
our defenses, but shifting into panic mode doesn't help
14 days.)
anyone. 2. Use discussions with your child to reassure and give As parents, it's even more important that we manage
age-appropriate information
our own fear response. Children are very sensitive to the
so that they have a context for whatever they've heard.
fear that's swirling around them. So it's our responsibility
Your goal is to communicate that:
as grownups to communicate to our children -- verbally and nonverbally -- that we can and will keep them safe.
• You are safe.
In fact, after keeping your family healthy and a roof
• Grownups have got this covered.
over your heads, helping your child feel safe is your most
• Children and grownups who are otherwise healthy
important responsibility right now.
have immune systems that are mostly able to fight off this virus, so many people who contract it will just get
That means talking with your child about Covid 19 to help them put the pandemic in context, so your child doesn't
something like the flu. • Lots of smart and capable scientists and health workers
have to manage an overload of fear. This won't be one
are keeping the virus contained. We are lucky in this
conversation, but an ongoing one, and that means
country to have an excellent health system.
you'll need to bring the subject up over and over. Don't assume that your child will tell you when they worried.
• Our job now is to make sure that we don't unwittingly spread the virus, so it's more important than ever that we develop good health habits, like washing our hands
Here's your game plan for talking with kids of any age about the corona virus.
so we don't transmit germs. • If we can stay healthy, that reduces the spread of the virus and lets our heroic health care workers focus on
1. When you talk with kids about a subject that's in the news, always begin by asking them what they've already heard. That allows you to respond reassuringly to any fears your child is worrying about and correct rumors that aren't true. Most children will have heard about the coronavirus, so you can just keep your tone simple and straightforward: "Hey, what have you heard about the coronavirus?" Always start by listening. Don't say much, except to acknowledge your child's worries: "Wow! That's a scary idea -- that everyone is dying of this virus. It must have frightened you to hear that."
helping others who are more vulnerable. • There will be big changes such as school closings to stop the spread of the disease, and that's a good thing! • We will be good citizens and stay home as much as we can -- so we are going to create a routine that works for us and enjoy our family during this temporary situation. That's all a preschooler needs to know, and you can keep your explanation age-appropriate. School-age kids and preteens may have questions you can't answer, about germs and pandemics and global spread. It's a terrific opportunity to teach kids about public health,
Then, matter of factly correct any misinformation:
being a good citizen, and compassion. It's fine to turn
"Happily, it's not true that everyone who gets the virus
together to the internet for information, but choose
dies; in fact most people get something like a mild flu
responsible sources like the Centers for Disease Control
and recover quickly."
and Prevention. AUGUST 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7
[ PARENTING ] With younger children, if you don't know the answer,
adult, journaling, meditating, doing yoga -- whatever
tell them "That's a good question. I'm not sure what the
will center you. You'll notice a difference in your thoughts
answer is. But let me find out for you!" Then look it up
and emotions that will inform your conversations with
without your child there, so you can frame your answer
your child and everyone else.
in a reassuring way, once you have the facts. Remember that every time you see more news about Remember that all humans find it hard to tolerate
this issue, you're sending yourself into fight or flight mode.
uncertainty. In fact, the unknown is terrifying to all of us,
It's our job as parents to manage our own thoughts and
and so your child may well ask a lot of questions about
emotions so they don't adversely affect our children. So
what will happen. It's fine to say you don't know, but
notice your thoughts, and correct them, to keep your
remember that underneath those questions is usually
own fear in check.
worry, so be sure to reassure your child that this virus is no match for the humans who are working to contain it.
For instance: Notice the recurring thought that there is a huge immediate threat to you and your immediate
If your child keeps asking the same anxious questions
family. It would be hard to avoid that thought if you're
over and over, and you have already answered those
paying attention to the news. And that thought causes
questions as well as you can, empathize with how hard
fear which can manifest in many ways -- free floating
it is not to know what is going to happen. Then, ask your
anxiety, short temper, overwhelm. But in fact, unless
child what they could tell themselves at this moment to
there's an underlying health condition, 80% of people
help them feel better. Help them shape that response
who show symptoms will not need medical treatment.
so they can reassure themselves when they get worried.
And many people will be asymptomatic.
For instance: "My job is to wash my hands and not touch my face and enjoy being home from school. My parents'
Sure, your child may be home from school, and that is
job is to keep our family safe from germs by keeping us
a huge unexpected parenting challenge. You may be
home. If I do get the virus, it will just be like any other flu.
worried sick about money. You may be worried about
We can handle this."
older relatives and other people you love who are in high risk groups. You may feel fear on behalf of all the
3. Work out any worry you have about this BEFORE
health care workers on the front lines of the pandemic,
talking with your kids.
who are putting themselves at great risk every day. But
Naturally, you're feeling fear. But panic doesn't serve
panic won't help these situations, and it isn't what you
you, and it certainly won't serve your child for you to
want to model for your child. I think what we all want to
panic.
model is courage and compassion.
Your own attitude will always communicate itself to
We all have a responsibility to try not to spread the virus,
your child. Children take their cues from us. So don't
and to avoid contracting even a mild case, if possible,
let your children overhear you venting your own fears
because beyond our own personal safety, every
to other people. And before you talk with your child
case puts a strain on the health care system. So self-
about Covid-19, center yourself. Since you'll probably
quarantining is a responsibility for people of all ages. But
be having ongoing discussions, you'll need to re-center
you could see that as an act of love, rather than fear: a
yourself daily. That will also help your own mood and
love-down, not a lock-down.
anxiety level. 4. Turn off your TV. Even in the midst of fear, we can all access a deeper,
Every time children hear that there was a death from the
wiser part of ourselves, a source of courage that puts
virus -- even if this is the same death they heard about
everything into perspective and heartens us to face the
yesterday -- it magnifies their fears. Children under
world. Spend some time every day talking with another
the age of ten should never watch TV news, which is
8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
[ PARENTING ] purposely designed to keep us engaged by scaring us.
With Your Child.
And research shows that even adults who watch TV news
Hopefully you will be able to avoid taking your child
become more fearful. Why do that to yourself? You can
into a store or any public space that's indoors. But if you
read the news if you need to, without sending yourself
do need to do this, you'll probably be tempted to hiss
into a panic.
at them to not touch anything. Unfortunately, that just makes kids more anxious, and more likely to want to
It's important to make sure your information sources
touch things, just to manage their anxiety. Instead, simply
are trustworthy. So, for instance, the CDC, WHO, and
start a new habit of your kids connecting into a train
Scientific American can be counted on to be responsible
when you're outside your home, so their hands are on
and accurate, but there are plenty of sources that are
the waist of the child in front of them. That way, no one's
using this health challenge to create fear so they can
hands are free to touch anything. If they have jackets
keep their audience riveted. You're choosy about who
with pockets, they can also "pretend glue" their hands in
you spend time with. Be choosy about who you let
their pockets. Of course, you'll still wash hands as soon as
influence your mindset.
you're home.
5. Teach healthy habits.
Be matter of fact about these habits -- the flu is probably
Teach kids that this virus spreads when someone who is
not super dangerous to your family but no one wants
sick coughs or sneezes or even breathes. The germs in
to suffer through the flu, and we need to avoid germs
their body get transmitted by tiny respiratory droplets,
and not transmit them to people who might be more
that hang in the air and can live on skin, cloth and other
vulnerable.
surfaces. Those germs can only infect us if they get into our eyes, nose or mouths. Unfortunately, we humans
If you buy some extra food staples and your child notices,
touch our faces about two dozen times an hour, and half
be sure to explain that if someone in your family does get
of the time we are touching our eyes, nose or mouth -- so
the flu, you will need to be good citizens and not go out
if we have germs on our hands, they usually get into our
until everyone is better, so as not to spread the virus. So
bodies.
you're just making sure that you have plenty of food on hand in case someone in your home does get sick.
That's why it's so important to develop good health habits such as:
It's natural to worry about your child touching their
• Washing hands in hot soapy water for the length of two
face, and it's fine to remind them not to, but keep a
"Happy Birthday" songs to kill germs.
sense of humor about this, rather than a sense of alarm.
• Not touching our faces.
This is a terrific opportunity to help your child develop
• Sneezing/coughing into our elbows.
good hygiene habits, but you don't want to make them
• Using wipes to disinfect surfaces.
anxious. Instead, enforce frequent hand-washing to kill
• Not sharing glasses and eating utensils.
the germs. (Make it fun, to avoid power struggles.)
• Staying home and distanced from others when we don't feel well.
And of course, commiserate about how hard it is to keep
• Staying hydrated to keep our immune systems healthy.
your hands off your face. (Some researchers conjecture
• Getting enough sleep to keep our immune systems in
that all primates touch their face as a way to help them
optimal condition. (Anyone who has to be awakened
manage stress and emotion.) Keep count as a family
in the morning, whether by a parent or an alarm, is not
about the impulses you feel to touch your face and
going to bed early enough.)
how many of those times you are able to notice and
• Staying out of each other's personal space, even in our own family, so we aren't breathing on each other.
stop yourself. Teach your kids workaround habits -- for instance, when they want to scratch an itch on their face, they can grab a tissue and use that.
6. Keep Your Own Anxiety In Check When Interacting
Look at this as a good habit for all of us to develop, and AUGUST 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9
[ PARENTING ] share your ruefulness that habits can be hard to establish -- but most things worth doing take effort. We can do hard things, if we support each other!
• Remember everyone in the world who is struggling with this illness in your family grace and prayers. • Let children contribute by helping wipe down surfaces and doorknobs at your home.
7. Stay Home. Every time you make the choice not to leave your home, you take yourself out of the cycle of possible exposure to germs. That keeps you and your family healthy.
• Video chat with elderly family members or neighbors who may be isolated. Kids can read books to Grandma, or she can read to them, over video. • Take action as a family to organize for universal paid sick leave to ensure that people don’t have to choose
It also means you can't transmit germs to others, so
between going to work sick and keeping a paycheck,
you're protecting people who are more vulnerable. The
enhanced unemployment insurance for those who
biggest risk of a pandemic is that the hospitals won't
may lose their jobs in this economic downturn, public
be able to handle all the new cases at once, so the
health funding, and other supports for families and
best thing we can do is avoid too many people getting sick at the same time. That flattens the curve of the epidemic, slowing the development of new cases and
those who are vulnerable. • Make it a fun challenge to find ways to make staying home fun and rewarding.
leaving more health care resources for those who most need them.
9. Be aware that your child might well be worried that you will die.
Tell your kids that you are all doing your part to keep
Children's anxieties often surface indirectly. Children
the virus from spreading, and you're going to make this
who are afraid of losing you to death might "test" you
fun. Work together to brainstorm a list of activities that
by misbehaving to see if you love them enough not to
can be done at home that will feel rewarding (See #9
abandon them. Children may develop sudden fears --
below). With your help, your children will remember this
of being alone in a room, or left with a babysitter. They
time of enforced togetherness as special for the rest of
might have nightmares or wet the bed. They may "over-
their lives.
react" and have a meltdown about something that seems trivial to you, which allows them to let off stress by
8. Empower your child.
crying or raging.
Research shows that when we feel frightened or sad in response to news, it's helpful to take some kind of
So if your child starts acting out, remind yourself that this
positive action to make things better. That makes us feel
might be their way of acting out something they can't
less powerless and fearful, and it models for children
talk about -- their fear of losing you. Set calm, patient
how to be good citizens and caring people. So talk as
limits on behavior and address the source directly.
a family about how you can make a contribution to keeping everyone healthy by staying healthy ourselves
For instance, you might say "You seem to be having a
and by supporting health care professionals and people
hard time lately. I know that some kids are worried about
who are vulnerable. Your family might:
their parents, with this virus going around. I want you to
• Give allowance money (which you could match)
know that I am taking very good care of myself. I wear
to a Coronavirus Relief fund to help fight the virus in
hygienic gloves to touch the atm machine and at the
countries with less developed health care systems. For
store. I work hard not to touch my face so the virus can't
instance, Global Giving and Doctors Without Borders
infect me. I eat healthily so my immune system is in good
are getting supplies to patients and front-line medical
shape. I expect to live until I am a very old person -- you
responders in high-risk and quarantined areas.
will be all grown up and have children of your own and I
• Make Thank You cards and Appreciation Kits for health
will be their grandparent!"
care workers (Include chapstick, pens, water bottles, fun socks.) 10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
If your child is worried about their grandparent, neighbor
[ PARENTING ] or other elderly person, acknowledge that concern.
school assignments, reading or online programs. Be sure
"I hear you love Grandma so much and it is scary to
to schedule one on one time for each child with each
think she could get sick. I feel the same way. Thankfully,
parent. Include physical activity every day, like yoga and
Grandma is healthy right now. She is staying home and
dance parties.
doing everything she can to make sure she isn't exposed to the virus. And we can help her stay cheerful by
Your child will be reassured by routines during this time
sending her our drawings and having video chats with
of uncertainty, but don't over-schedule. That may be
her."
reassuring to you, but your child will need a balance
And of course, the best way to help children work through fear of any kind is play and laughter. So if your child is misbehaving or seems stressed -- or simply as a good preventive maintenance daily habit -- initiate some roughhousing to get everyone laughing. Laughter changes the body chemistry, reducing stress hormones, and will help your child's fears melt away.
between structured expectations and downtime. Why? Because this is a stressful time for everyone, including your child. Children need unstructured play and creative outlets to work through stress and big emotions, so protect their downtime. Finally, brainstorm to create a list of enjoyable things to do when you're housebound, some individually and
10. Make lemonade.
some as a family. Think cooperative board games,
It's probable that your child's school will be cancelled
painting projects, cooking together, roughhousing
or quarantines imposed. Even if that doesn't happen,
games like trying to take each other's socks off. Post your
health officials say that it's prudent to stay home as much
activity lists, put on some great music, and have a family
as you can. Many parents react to this with panic, since
dance party to welcome your Staycation together!
we have to earn a living. But even beyond the economic stress, the idea of being cooped up endlessly with our children can be daunting. And yet, most parents also say that they wish they had more time to spend as a family doing wholesome activities like cooking together or doing art or other
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[ PARENTING ] Dr. Meeker is a pediatrician, who has practiced pediatric and adolescent medicine for 25 years. She is the author of six books including the best-selling Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: Ten Secrets Every Father Should Know; Boys Should Be Boys; Your Kids At Risk;, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose and Sanity; Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30 Day Challenge and Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men, (Ballantine) April 2014. She is a popular speaker on pediatric health issues and child-parent relationships. Dr. Meeker is co-host and physicianin-residence of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk Radio. She is also Assistant Clinical Professor at Michigan State University College of Human Medicine and currently teaches medical students and physicians in residency training. She is board certified with the American Board of Pediatrics and is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Dr. Meeker serves on the National Advisory Board of the Medical Institute. She has been married to her husband, Walter for 32 years. They have shared a medical practice for over 20 years. They have three grown daughters and a grown son. She lives in northern Michigan.
How to Maintain Your Relationship During a Quarantine by Dr. Meg Meeker I encourage couples to not just get through this hard season but to grow through it. Grow together with these simple principles and practices.
Couples in Quarantine: How to Grow Stronger, Stay Sane, and Get Through This Together
If you and your spouse are like most Americans right now, you are stuck at home together, all day, every day. The verdict is still out on how this season of quarantine will affect couples. People are making jokes about a coronavirus baby boom, but they are also seriously questioning if their relationship can weather such a trying time. It’s too soon to know how this will affect couples, 12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
[ PARENTING ] but you are probably feeling a change or some tension
minutes each week to honestly talk about how you’re
in your relationship right now, especially if you are
doing and feeling during this time together. What do you
cooped up with your spouse and kids.
need from one another? Are you feeling anxious, tired, frustrated? Express how you’re coping with everything
Our tendency during difficult times is to try and get
and how you can better support one another. You don’t
through it as quickly as possible. But I want to encourage
have to talk about this constantly. Just a few minutes to
couples to not just get through this hard season,
an hour a week can help you reset and refocus on what
but to grow through it. We are all facing something
matters most.
unprecedented in our history. It will test us, but it will also teach us who we really are: resilient, strong, courageous.
Connect with your friends.
This applies to our relationships too. By implementing a
Just because you can’t meet up with your friends
few simple principles and practices, couples can grow
anymore in person doesn’t mean you can’t connect with
through this time together, rather than grit their way
them. Now more than ever you need to maintain strong
through.
friendships and relationships with people aside from your spouse and kids. Schedule a Zoom call with your
Don’t blame.
girlfriends. Have a virtual game night with your buddies.
It isn’t your spouse’s fault that a stay-at-home order has
FaceTime your sister or reach out to a friend you haven’t
been placed in your city. It’s not his or her fault that you
talked to in a while. Staying connected with these
have to work from home now, or that you lost your job.
people will remind you there is more than just you and
When stress is high and things are uncertain, it is human
your household and will provide the support you need
to look for someone to blame and right now, the most
that your spouse might not be able to give you.
convenient person to blame is the one in your household. Deep down you know this isn’t your partner’s fault or your
Love in the time of quarantine is possible. You may be
kids’ fault or your fault. Everything feels out of our control
at each other’s throats, you may be avoiding each
right now because, in a way, it is. What you can control
other, or you may be feeling stronger than ever. But, you
is how you treat the loved ones in your household. Don’t
and your partner are coping with being stuck at home
treat them like it’s their fault your life has been turned
during COVID-19. Give yourselves plenty of grace and
upside-down. Treat them the way you want to be treated
understanding. Make time to talk to one another, to talk
during this time.
to your friends and connect with your community, and remember, this isn’t anyone’s fault. If you do these things,
Set aside time to talk.
not only will you get through this together, you will grow
This is especially important for parents. Set aside a few
through it together and be stronger as a result. AUGUST 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13
[ PARENTING ]
Kari Kampakis is a blogger, author, speaker, and newspaper columnist from Birmingham, Alabama. Her two books for teen and tween girls, 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know and Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For, have been used widely across the country by teen youth groups and small groups to empower girls through faith. Kari’s work has been featured on The Huffington Post, The TODAY Show, EWTN, Proverbs 31, Yahoo! News, The Eric Metaxas Show, Ann Voskamp’s blog, and other national outlets. She and her husband, Harry, have four daughters and a dog named Lola.
Coaching Your Daughter Through Friend Drama by Kari Kampakis
Learn more by visiting www.karikampakis.com
Years ago, I spoke to some fifth grade moms about teaching our daughters to build each other up. I’d just been to a University of Alabama gymnastics meet, and what stood out to me was how these gymnasts cheered as their teammates did crazy acrobatics. Every time a girl nailed a tumbling pass, her teammates went berserk on the sidelines, screaming and jumping up and down. All I could think was how different our world would be if girls could always join forces like this and see themselves as part of the same team. One mom, a successful entrepreneur, raised her hand when I finished my spiel and said, “Ladies, we’ve got to teach this to our daughters now. I have 50 female employees, and we just had to have a big pow-wow over this very issue. These are grown women who can’t get along, and it creates a very unpleasant work environment.” 14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
[ PARENTING ] It hit me then why it’s essential to teach our daughters
Mama Bear is real, and while there are situations that call
early how to deal with drama and conflict. Little girls
for Mama Bear, it’s best to save her for the big events.
who can’t get along become big girls who can’t get
Otherwise, you’ll become known as “that mom” who’s
along, and as they get older, the problems and stakes
always angry or upset, who always has a bone to pick.
rise higher. How well we coach our daughters through
You’ll lose credibility and find that people stop answering
the ups and downs of relationships has long-term
your phone calls or listening to a rant.
consequences. It could make all the difference in whether they succeed or fail in their friendships, their
A school principal for 30 years told me she’s not seeing
marriage, and even their careers.
more girl drama than she used to, but she is seeing heightened emotions among parents. She is seeing more
Through my work, I meet a lot of moms and daughters,
dads get involved and act emotional too. We live in
and one conclusion I’ve drawn is that every community
an age of nuclear reactions, where parents lose it over
faces the same issues. The most common dilemma I see
every offense, and rarely do nuclear reactions help.
and hear about is the deep pain that evolves when girls hurt other girls.
If you ask your daughter if she wants you to get involved in her friend dilemma, 9 times out of 10 she’ll tell you NO.
It happens to everyone. It happens because we live
Also, she may stop opening up to you if she knows you’ll
in a broken world where nobody is perfect and where
freak out or potentially make the situation worse.
people tend to be self-focused, thinking a lot about how others make them feel, yet giving little thought to how
Save your actions and phone calls for when it really
they make others feel. We have a mean culture where
matters, and don’t send an email or text when you’re
people get applauded for being funny even if their joke
angry. Cool down and wait until you can think rationally
or sarcasm is at someone’s expense.
before making a move.
Most of all, we forget how to love each other. Without
2. Be a source of strength and reason. When your
love, no one feels safe, and without safety, the instinct
daughter is hurting, she needs you to listen, empathize,
for self-preservation kicks in – and suddenly the mindset
and meet her where she is. Don’t bad mouth anyone; just
becomes “If this is good for me, who cares what it means
validate her feelings and take in her story.
for anyone else?” Tell her how sorry you are, how no one deserves to be So, what is a girl mom to do? How do you respond when
treated that way, and how the most hurtful people give
your daughter comes home and bursts into tears over a
us the best examples of how not to act. Remind your
social devastation, or when she starts hating school – or
daughter of how much you love and admire her, and
worse yet, herself – because she feels like she has no real
make sure she knows how deeply God loves her.
friends? Every situation is unique, and some problems may be out of your league and require professional
In my book, Liked, I tell girls that what people say about
help. Some situations may warrant a conversation with a
them is opinion and what God says about them is fact.
teacher or coach.
The way to know their worth is to focus on the facts. This message is especially important when your daughter is
Typically, however, you can comfort and empower your
hurt and needs to hear the truth about who she is in the
daughter at home. Here are 8 pointers to get you started
eyes of her Creator.
so you can become her safe place and sounding board. 3. Help her breathe, calm down, and brainstorm options. 1. Stay calm and don’t act on your knee-jerk response.
You might begin by asking her questions like, “What do
One common mistake that moms make (and I’ve been
you want to do? What do you want me to do? How do
guilty too) is overreacting or taking immediate action.
you want handle this?” In many cases, your daughter will AUGUST 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15
[ PARENTING ] have ideas of how to respond and not need intervention
months later, when her friend got kicked out of her friend
from you.
group, she didn’t jump on the bandwagon of being cold to her. She stood by her during a lonely time.
4. Remind her that her friend issues are nobody’s business, so don’t give her classmates the satisfaction of
And three, my daughter learned why kindness matters,
knowing all the juicy details. Everyone loves a catfight,
both the kindness shown to her and the kindness she’d
and when girls show hints of anger or hurt, many people
shown to the girls who took care of her. So often girls
will quickly draw closer to whisper, “Tell me more.”
are only nice to their core group, and when that group changes or turns, they have nowhere to go. Nobody will
Some girls thrive on this attention. They tell everyone
take them in because they were exclusive or mean.
about their friend drama under the guise of seeking advice or to win people over to their side, and all this
6. Seek truth, not victory. I don’t always recommend
does is ruin relationships, amplify drama, and start
calling the other mom when two girls have conflict, but
rumors. Tell your daughter she can vent to you, but not
sometimes – especially when girls are young and don’t
at school. Remind her to be careful who she talks to
have conflict resolution skills – this can be helpful.
because if she’s genuinely seeking advice, one or two trustworthy people should be enough to get input from.
When my daughter was in third grade, she and a good friend started fighting. Since the mom and I were friends,
Your daughter doesn’t owe an answer to anyone
we talked, and what started as a calm conversation
because most people are just nosy and want to stir the
quickly got heated as we both felt attacked. In my
pot of drama. If her classmates ask what is going on, she
head, an alarm went off. I realized my daughter and
can say, “I love Anna, and we’re trying to work through
I might both lose good friends if we continued in this
this privately” and leave it at that. She’ll see what kind of
uncivil direction. I invited the mom and her daughter to
friend Anna is by whether she shows the same respect.
our house so we could talk it out.
5. Look for the lessons. My daughter once went on a
Before they came, I calmed down, swallowed my pride,
weekend retreat where her friends unexpectedly turned
prayed, and asked God to give me the right words. I
on her. I was out-of-town for a speaking event when she
reminded myself that I loved my friend and her child.
got home and called me crying, and my heart broke as
Since our daughters had differing stories, my goal was to
she replayed the sequence of events.
seek truth, not victory, and apologize for anything that my child or I did wrong.
For unknown reasons, her friend group edged her out, but thankfully, other friends she’d made that year swept
Parents get defensive when you attack their child,
in to cheer her up. I’ve long told my girls to cast a wide
and their loyalty is with their family. Other moms love
net – to make a lot of friends beyond their closest circle
their daughter as much as you love yours, so if you act
– and on that weekend, this advice paid off. Although
like your daughter is an angel and their daughter is
it hurt to see my daughter sad, this experience drove
a villain, if you don’t believe your daughter could be
home that lesson I’d tried to teach her for years.
hurtful (intentionally or not), things will blow up. I’d been
One, my daughter learned that people are fickle, and
dragged into a fight between two angry moms the
even close friends aren’t always predictable. This is why
year before, and I’d seen the heat escalate with every
Jesus should be #1, because if she makes her friends her
accusation they threw out.
god – putting them on a pedestal they’re not meant to be on – they’ll inevitably let her down.
When my friend and her daughter arrived, we all hugged and then allowed each girl to tell her side of
Two, my daughter learned how it feels to be ostracized.
the story. We reminded them that they had a friendship
She felt the embarrassment of being in the margins. Six
worth fighting for, and rather than point fingers, they
16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
[ PARENTING ] should focus on how the other person’s actions made
Some girls bond through gossip, bullying, and leaving
them feel.
someone out. Some groups operate like gangs. Some girls are just mean.
It’s often said that when two people disagree, the truth is in the middle, and that was the case here. Neither girl
Still, good friends do exist, so help your daughter find
was lying; they just had different perceptions of the same
them. Remind her how even hurtful people serve a
events. We ended on a great note, and I was thankful my
purpose teaching her who she doesn’t want to be and
daughter had this experience of talking things out.
what friends she doesn’t want to have. While some girls can be loved up close and personal, others are best
7. Talk about healthy relationships and setting
loved from a safe and healthy distance.
boundaries with hurtful people. Some people are good for your daughter, and some are not. In every season,
8. Help her understand that conflict is a part of life. She
there may be someone who makes her feel small,
can’t control how anyone else behaves, but she can
ignores her, tests her patience, or wants her to fail. Not every conflict can be resolved. Not every hurtful person will stop being hurtful. Your daughter won’t click with everyone, and that’s okay. She doesn’t have to be best friends with everyone, but she can be kind. She can do the right thing even when other girls don’t. Friend drama hurts because girls are trusting. They’re starting to see the best and worst in humanity, and as they pull away from family, friendships gain importance. Girls want to belong and feel known, and when friendships go well, there is no better feeling, but when friendships go south – and your daughter discovers that the girls she bared her soul to have undermined her, gossiped about her, hurt her, or written her off – it’s a shock to the system.
control her reactions. God rewards faithfulness, and when your daughter does the right thing – talking out problems one-on-one, apologizing when she is wrong, not retaliating to mean behavior or burning bridges that will haunt her, letting little offenses slide – it puts her on a path that God can bless. The blessing often comes as peace and being able to like herself at the end of the day. As moms, we expect our daughters to master the skills that grown women haven’t mastered. We get frustrated, yet we often fail to give our daughters the tools to respond maturely. Little girls who don’t get along become big girls who don’t get along, so let’s coach our daughters on this
You can’t take away your daughter’s pain, but you can
crucial skill. Let’s remember that being able to resolve
walk through it with her. You can point her to people and
conflict is the #1 predictor of success in marriage
hobbies that bring her joy, whether that’s a weekend
(according to America’s top couples’ therapist) and
at grandpa’s farm or creating art in the garage. When
when we teach this skill, we set our daughters up to win.
the time is right, you can share stories and perspective. You can ask questions like, “What do you think might be
Even on your daughter’s worst day, God adores her.
going on in their life to make them act that way?” to help
He never gives up on her, and this truth is a lifeline.
her imagine the countless scenarios that don’t excuse
It may take a friendship rift for her to realize why she
mean behavior but can help explain it.
needs Jesus, why He’s the only reliable anchor when a storm hits, and if that’s her big takeaway from a fallout,
The fact is, some girls won’t like your daughter. Some girls
consider it a gift. God never wastes pain, and even the
can’t be trusted with too many details of her life. Some
heartache of friendship can help your daughter grow in
girls get on power trips and expect blind obedience.
faith and become the young woman she’s meant to be. AUGUST 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17
[ PARENTING ]
Parenting expert and “recovering yeller” Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time… The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling (Penguin, 2011.) Amy is a regular parenting contributor on The TODAY Show and has also appeared on Rachael Ray, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Steve Harvey and elsewhere. In her most important role, she plays mom to two teenage boys. Follow Amy on Twitter @AmyMcCreadyPPS. For more information on Postive Parenting, go to www.positiveparentingsolutions. com/course-details
Too Much Television? How to Curb Your Kids’ TV Time
by Amy McCready Maybe it’s the Paw Patrol theme song on constant repeat in your head or the fact that your daughter knows every word, song, and dance move to Descendents 1, 2 and 3. It could be your teenager’s infatuation with all million Marvel movies (they’re still making more?) or encyclopedic knowledge of all 800+ characters from the Pokémon shows and fi lms. In any of these cases, it’s possible your kids are watching too much TV. In today’s technology and entertainment-focused world, the variety of television programming and instant streaming (Netfl ix, Amazon, Hulu) is basically limitless. In the past two decades, shows have become a quick download away and are ever-focused on a growing target audience–our kids. Instantly streamable kid movies and shows are not only prolific–they are fiercely competitive and lucrative. Some may be solely entertaining, while
18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
[ PARENTING ] others aim to be moral and educational. Some even captivate and amuse the parents (while others, no doubt, annoy). Marvel movies, as mentioned above, aren’t even family movies per se–but kids love them. In any genre, the goal of television programming is to be wildly entertaining and addictive to audiences. For our children, it is undeniably both. It may start small, with your kindergartener watching an extra episode of Fancy Nancy or your teenager negotiating an extra 15 minutes of Spider-Man Homecoming. But then, all of a sudden, your kids are spending multiple hours a day glued to the screen. Whether it’s too much television throughout the year or just during certain times, most parents are conscientious enough to know that children shouldn’t spend an exorbitant amount of time in front of the TV. But do you feel powerless to curb the habit? Is the thought of enforcing stricter limits overwhelming to both you and your kids? The good news is that there is hope. It will take some dedication, but with a few simple strategies, you can guide your kids back to a reasonable amount of screen time. First of All, How Much Is Too Much TV? I get it. Television is a great way for kids to zone out and relax after school, in the evenings, or on lazy weekend mornings. And let’s be honest, it also provides parents a muchneeded break. After all, there are only so many crafts you can come up with or board games you can play when the weather’s extreme and you’re entertaining stircrazy kids. Sometimes, we just need to occupy children so we can finish those long-put-off chores or work from home. Honestly, it’s no wonder many of us give in to looser television limits–we need to get stuff done and stay sane! The point is, without limits, television usage can be a slippery slope.
It’s hard to quantify exactly what constitutes too much television for children. It depends on a variety of factors, including a child’s personality and age. What is certain is that kids are watching more television than ever before and excessive usage can invite a host of negative effects. Just like you, your kids need to live well-balanced lives. Setting television limits and parental controls is a great starting point. It’s also important to remain aware of what your kids are watching and how shows might be affecting them. The best way to tell if television (and technology in general) has become problematic for your child is to look for troublesome warning signs. Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, please visit/review the Specialty Module, “Family Technology Survival Plan.” Signs of Television Addiction Television addiction can exhibit the same signs as any other kind of addiction: • If you are setting limits on screen time and find that your children are concealing usage or regularly breaking the rules, they are probably addicted. • If children throw tantrums, become irritable, or act uncontrollably when you remove the television, this is a clear indication of an unhealthy dependence. • If children are suffering in school, consider whether or not television might have something to do with it. • If your child is consistently staying up late and losing sleep due to television, this is a clear sign of addiction. Irregular sleep patterns and consistent loss of sleep can affect a child’s learning and cognitive abilities and needs to be addressed immediately. • If your child always chooses television over other traditionally fun and social activities, he or she has probably reached an unhealthy level of screen-time dependence. If you notice any of the signs above, it is time for a television intervention. So, roll up your sleeves and get ready to regain control of the tube. AUGUST 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19
[ PARENTING ] Setting Healthy Limits on Television If you’re like most families, taking television away altogether isn’t realistic or desirable. I can also tell you, that as long as you maintain healthy control over it, it isn’t necessary. The main objective is to help your kids refrain from bingewatching and not let television detract from either their responsibilities or their mental, physical, and social wellbeing. Implementing When-Then Routines Before TV Time If your kids are used to watching television and not getting their rudimentary tasks done first (like family contributions, homework, music practice, etc.), consider using When-Then terminology with them. “When you are done emptying the dishwasher and taking out the trash, Kyle, then you can watch your show.” “When you are done with all of your homework, Jasmine, then you can download that new movie on iTunes.” When-Then is a great way to put the responsibility in your kids’ laps. They know what they need to do to watch the television. They can control when that happens by deciding to accomplish the less-than-desirable task first, on their terms. When-Then becomes even more powerful when you establish it as part of a routine. If Kyle knows he has to empty the dishwasher every day, there will be a point when you no longer even have to say “When-Then.” He’ll just do it. The routine becomes the boss, you get your dishes put away, and Kyle gets to watch his television after being a more productive member of the family. Please Note: Make sure you don’t present television usage as a special reward. This will make tasks feel more like unbearable chores. When-Then Routines work best if the goal is an already-established privilege that can only be enjoyed after necessary tasks are completed.
Nagging your children to stop or start doing something usually turns into a power struggle. They feel belittled because they don’t think you believe they can accomplish things without your reminders (and maybe you really do think this!). This will make them feel annoyed, defensive, and less likely to cooperate. Also, if in a moment of weakness you give in when your child tries to bargain with you, you send the message that everything is up for negotiation. You might think that allowing a few more minutes of television isn’t a big deal, but a few months down the road you could have a child glued to a screen all day. Avoid getting dragged into a negotiation, listening to whining, or being sucked into a power struggle by simply stating When-Then, and walking away. After all, if you stick around, you provide an audience for the badgering and you may find yourself giving in! Stay strong, and your kids will learn that no amount of whining will change your mind. Case closed. Leading by Example If we place a lot of value in our own TV viewing, our kids will learn the same. It’s certainly fine to have our adult TV time (after all, we deserve to relax AND need to stay relevant for the next adult dinner party), but it’s best not to consistently “veg” in front of the television while our children are watching. If we enjoy the great outdoors, like to read, cook fun meals, or play an instrument or sport, our kids will catch on and be influenced by these healthy hobbies. The earlier we can introduce our kids to these non-electronic alternatives, the better. It’s so easy to become hypocritical and allow our personal actions to fall contrary to the expectations we have of our children. Just stay vigilant and try to “practice what you preach.” Offering One-on-One Parent/Child Time You can always encourage less television viewing by suggesting one-on-one time with your child, doing something she chooses.
Nixing the Nagging/Negotiating When-Then Routines also eliminate the need for you to nag and negotiate with your kids. 20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
Spending undistracted, quality time with our children is incredibly empowering for kids. It gives them a sense
[ PARENTING ] of importance and value that they crave. It’s personal
today.
attention, a chance for connection, and a FUN activity. Used routinely and correctly, your kids will become
(In my book, The “Me Me Me” Epidemic, I discuss at
addicted to it–perhaps even more so than television.
length not only why many of today’s children believe in inherently special treatment–but also how we can
You can suggest kicking a soccer ball back and forth,
combat it.)
playing a game of Uno, taking a walk to the park, or even going on a mini scavenger hunt around the house.
It may not seem like instant digital downloads can have
It doesn’t have to be elaborate or well planned-out
that much of an effect on a child’s expectations or
(unless you’d like it to be)–it just needs to be at least 10-
actions in life, but it certainly does play into the idea that
15 minutes of daily, child-directed, personal time with
today’s kids don’t have to wait for a payoff.
your kids. Working and waiting for desired outcomes is something This may seem unrealistic to those of you with withdrawn
our youngsters still need to learn. Maybe now more than
teenagers. But believe me–they need this one-on-
ever.
one time just as much as the toddlers in your life. Don’t
If you’re worried about creating entitled kids,
stop encouraging it or finding the time and means to
implementing control over the television can make a
implement it.
difference.
Please Note: If your child wants to use television as your
Try making them wait until the weekend for a special
one-on-one activity, this is okay every once in a while
movie night–a movie that you all take turns choosing.
within the following limits: make sure you are watching
Since they’ve had to wait all week it may make them
the television together; make sure you are discussing
more receptive to watching something they didn’t pick
what you’re watching; and try to keep it educational for
out (or something from your youth that is now apparently
little tykes.
ancient).
Limiting Instantaneous Downloads (in an Age of
Final Thoughts
Entitlement)
Television, my friend, is here to stay. Maybe futuristic TVs
Have you tried introducing some of your favorite older
will fly around the house for special effect, morph into
movies to your kids, only to hear them say, “This is so
IMAX screens, or automatically lower the volume during
boring.” “Why is this so slow?” “Is this seriously in black
commercials (you never know). But beyond bigger and
and white?”
better entertainment value, the presence of television is most likely permanent.
Our current era of instant gratification can make viewing older movies with slower plot lines and less special effects
Instead, we need to focus on managing television’s
a real drag for kids. We know how fun and action-
addictive qualities and not let it affect our children’s
packed television and movies are these days.
health, progress, and goals. I realize it’s easier said than done. After all, I raised two
Even playing a DVD seems archaic to today’s kids.
kids in the digital age. But I also know from experience
Despite quickly finding the DVD and fast-forwarding
that you can reset your television rules for the benefit of
through the pre-programmed previews to the menu
all.
screen, a (mere) minute later, your kids are wondering what took so long.
So there you have it. Now’s the time to get you and your kids on track for manageable, guiltless, and worry-free
A lack of patience and inability to be bored are just
screen time. And we’re here to guide you every step of
smaller signs of the entitlement epidemic facing kids
the way. AUGUST 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21
[ PARENTING ]
Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst with specialized clinical training in infant-parent, child, adolescent, and adult psychotherapy. She has been on the faculties of New York University and the Society for Psychoanalytic Study and Research, among others. She has written extensively on parenting for various publications, including the Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, The International Journal of Infant Observation, The Inner World of the Mother, Newsday’s Parents & Children Magazine, Long Island Parent. She also wrote her popular column, PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE, at Moms Magazine and has been a parenting expert for numerous publications such as Good Housekeeping. and Bustle Lifestyle. She currently writes for Active Family Magazine (San Francisco) and blogs for Huffington Post. Her new book is Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child’s Behavior. To learn more go to Dr. Hollman’s website at www.lauriehollmanphd.com.
Tips for Families to Integrate Technology at Home in a Healthy Way During the Pandemic by Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. Technology is being used more often during the pandemic by kids and and their parents to become educated, connect with others, enjoy online activities, take courses, build computer skills, educate kids and increase at home adult work. How do parents work with their kids in a collaborative way to use this opportunity for healthy online usage so that it is used inovatively and creatively by both kids and adults? Does Technology Affect Brain Development? Young minds are constantly developing, as the brain matures until age twenty-five. Busy parents need to consider this as they explore the many options of online usage for their children and teens. Some medical experts claim that the brains of our children’s generation are physically developing differently because of frequent interaction with technology, which impacts their communication skills. Technological usage can affect the parts of the brain that control a child and teen’s personality. This can affect the way kids interact in that there might be changes in their ability to regulate emotions, remember certain events, and pay attention to different things. Parents should
22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | AUGUST 2020
[ PARENTING ] take all of this into consideration as they consider how to communicate with their children on this topic. Tips for Discussion Points for Parents:and Kids 1. Because young people may not be sufficiently aware that when they share intimate details about themselves on social media, it may come back to haunt them later. They are so enthusiastic that they might not realize how much their over-sharing will potentially impact their privacy. It is helpful for parents to discuss this with their kids in an open but not overly authoritative way, so the kids want to listen and share their opinions on the subject. 2. It’s also important for parents and kids to share their feelings and ideas about not only the use, but the constant presence of phones Many kids, as well as adults, feel a sense of deprivation if separated from their phones for more than twenty-four hours. Some don’t ever turn off their phones and even sleep with them under their pillows. 3. Parents and their kids need to openly talk about the social pressures and ramifications of online technology.I recommend discussing the impact of social networks online. That is, social networks are virtual spaces where teens are free to shape their own identities and manage networks. Their online comments from friends provide a channel for feedback and affection—although many of these relationships are shallow, and the process plays a role in how teens learn social rules and cope with status, respect, gossip, and trust. This is also true for adult social media users. 4. Having grown up digital, this generation expects speed, meaning they are used to instant responses and rapid feedback. If requests for regular feedback are not acknowledged in a short amount of time, they may feel emotionally less satisfied. Parents can empathize with their kids when this occurs and explain that not receiving quick replies needn’t be interpreted as rejection, but just part of busy lives. Such perspective helps kids adjust to the realities of technological life. 5. Another area of debate is whether screen time discourages critical thinking skills. Searching for information on the web by clicking for a key word is different than reading and synthesizing different resources. But this is not to say it makes for less
learning—screen searching can teach the ability to scan, navigate, and analyze pertinent information and to synthesize and remember the goals of your search. Understanding this helps parents who have not grown up digital to recognize the strengths their kids are gaining from learning this way so they don’t rush in and object to frequent online research. It’s also exciting when kids can be encouraged to educate their at-home working parents how to increase their online research as well. 6. Another issue confronting parents is cyberbullying. The cyber bully gets an audience of bystanders by recruiting hundreds of friends on Facebook and millions of bystanders on YouTube, posting videos of attacks. Parents are terrified of online bullying, as they want to protect their children from Internet abuse. Because it can reach kids at home, it attacks them where they feel most safe. The ultimate bulwark against online bullying must exist at home in the conversations between parents and their kids. The new democratic family supports this kind of intervention. Family dialogue with busy cyber-smart parents is the best defense against the problem of bullying as well as porn and the online sexual predator. Innovation If you find you and your kids are more involved in technology because you are under lockdown, this is an opportunity to discuss new uses for technology. Often kids become the authorities teaching their parents new ways to socially network, communicate ideas and even explore new inventions, and make videos to put on youtube that enhance the discovery of new learning, It’s great when parents respect their kids as the experts. It builds self-esteem in kids at a time when they feel more isolated than before. It is also a way for parents who work at home to improve their computer skills with their kids’ help! How challenging it is for kids and parents to collaborate to enhance adults’ work skills! Show your kids your at home office and your business computer. Let them enter your world of work which will inspire them and see you as a hard working role model. At the same time that your child or teen learns more about prospective careers they also can inspire their parents to find more efficient ways to use technology to get their work done effectively. AUGUST 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23
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