Active Family Magazine - September 2014

SEPTEMBER 2014

Moms, let’s

Simplify Our Lives

7 Back to School

T r a d iti o n s

Is Your Marriage Losing its Luster?

Back to School C o o l

2401 Shadelands Dr., Walnut Creek, CA 94598 • bitly.com/cho-wc

925-979-3434

Diagnostic Imaging Hearing & Speech Center Motion Analysis & Sports Performance Lab Orthopaedics Outpatient Surgery Sleep Lab Specialty Care Clinics Sports Medicine Center for Young Athletes

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Volume 1 / Issue 8

[ FASHION ]

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

[ EDUCATION ]

Back to School Cool

Park Guide

Making Science Fun

8

14

26

[ FAMILY ]

34

Weelicious Lunchbox Ideas

The Seventh Step to Balance: Passing Balance to Our Daughters

10

Early Literacy: The Foundation for Learning and Life

44

7 Back to School Traditions

36

[ HEALTH ]

Back to School Tips

How to Find a 25th Hour in Your Day

46

12

[ EVENTS ]

18

24

Mom, Let’s Simplify Our Lives

Ask a UCSF Benioff Oakland Children’s Hospital Expert

38

Asthma Tips

September Calendar

40

What Messages are Your Expectations Sending to Your Children?

20

Is Your Marriage Losing its Luster?

30

Secrets of Close Family Communication

42

34 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

8

24

DISCOVERY Inßpi®ed by St®atfo®d

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

There’s no more profound gift parents can give their children than the chance to discover what they are capable of — the chance to achieve all they can.

What Matters…

Nurturing, Safe Environment Engaging Curriculum Music and Art for all students Enriching Social Development Spanish and Science beginning in preschool taught by specialty teachers

S S S S S

S Experienced teachers with a passion for education S Thriving school community that welcomes parent involvement

S 95% of our graduating middle school students accepted to their high school of choice in the Bay Area

Join us for a personal tour Call (408) 973-7321

www.StratfordSchools.com/The_Stratford_Difference

WE S

GE

LE

O

LS

S

OF

SCH

Accrediting Commission for Schools

O

S

Elementary

S

Middle School

ASSOCIAT I RN

ON

TE

Preschool AND CO

L

Preschool State License Numbers: 073402482, 013417816, 013420588, 434404890, 434408056, 434407977, 434404336, 434406722, 434408877, 384001837, 434410807, 434410816, 073406680, 013420939.

Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Design/Production

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Teresa Agnew Craft

Marketing Manager

Ad Design/Production

Crystal Wigton

Lara Mays

Michelle Perry Higgins Samantha Ettus Dr. Meg Meeker Dr. Jim Taylor Dr. Christine Carter Gail Seche Susan Adham, M.D. Rona Renner, RN Dr. Laura Markham

Sr. Advertising Sales Manager Maxine Fisher

Advertising Sales Manager April Gentry

Contributing Businesses

Advertising Sales Manager

The Growing Room Academy Weelicious Sutter East Bay Medical Foundation UCSF Benioff Oakland Children’s Hospital Primrose School of Pleasanton

Cammie Cavros

Wardrobe Stylist Jeneffer Jones Punjani

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activekidsbayarea.com

Editor’s Note As every parent knows, with Fall comes transition. Transition from the fun-filled, carefree days of summer back to the structured and regimented school year. Although summer is always a favorite time of year, I am very excited to have all four kids back in the classroom five days a week and reclaim “me time”! Let’s face it, routine is great for everyone and trying to entertain the kids during the summer months can become a tedious and never-ending task. Don’t get me wrong, we have experienced some amazing family-bonding memories that will last a lifetime, but this Mom needs a break!

As we make the switch from summer to Fall and deal with back-to-school shopping, daily lunch making, getting up at the crack of dawn to get the kiddos (and yourself) out the door on time, tackle homework, shuttling to and from sport practices, oh… and dinner, do try to pace yourself! Over-scheduling seems to be the way of life these days, but perhaps the answer might be to simplify. Take a look at Dr. Meg Meeker’s article: ‘Moms, let’s Simplify our Lives’ on page 18 and pick up a few pointers on how to stress less and enjoy more. This article applies to Dads too!

On Cover: Dress $29.50, leggings $22.50 by Tea Collection at Nordstrom.

Scarf at Dandelion

Kids and the responsibilities that come with family can take a toll on any marriage.

Finding time to connect and bond is essential to every relationship, but how do we do it? Dr. Christine Carter tackles this topic in ‘Is your Marriage Losing its Luster’ on page 30. Dr. Carter offers suggestions on how to remove the predictability and boredom from your marriage and instill excitement and introduce variety into your relationship routines.

Enjoy the September issue and good luck with your Fall transition!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activekidsbayarea.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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Palo Alto Medical Foundation Sutter East Bay Medical Foundation SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7

[ FASHION ]

Back to School

Cool

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

Photographer: Christopher Kern Wardrobe Stylist: Jeneffer Jones Punjani Hair and Makeup Artist: Janet Mariscal/Artists’ Services Models: Represented by JE Model Management Shot on location at Montair Elementary School, Danville Books lent by Friends of the Library Bookstore, Danville

[ FASHION ]

Above left: T-shirt by Wes & Willy, $27.99 at Sweetie Face. Plaid shirt, Wes & Willy, $39.99 at Sweetie Face. Blazer, $64.99 at Sweetie Face.

Jeans, $17.95 at H&M Above right: Sweater, $9.95 at H&M. Pants, $9.95 at H&M, Chukka sneakers $44.95 at Nordstrom

Above: Boy on left, shirt by Peek $39.50 at Nordstrom; pants with suspenders, $29.95 at H&M. Boy on right, shirt by Chaser, $32, Hudson jeans $59, hat $23 all at Dandelion, Danville.

Above: Girl on left; dress $12.95, jacket, $34.95 both at H&M. girl on right, top By Kyra $37.99, pants By Kyra, $37.99, jacket, $69.99

By Kyra all at Sweetie Face, Blackhawk Plaza in Danville Left: From left; on girl: top $12.95, pants, $9.95 both at H&M, vest by Tucker & Tate, $42 at Nordstrom. On boy: shirt $17.95, jacket $34.95 both at H&M. Pants by Peek, $49.50 at Nordstrom. On girl: Autumn Cashmere sweater, $116 at Dandelion, Danville. Vest by Vince, $134 at Nordstrom. Jeans $14.95 at H&M. On boy: hoodie by Peek, $44, jacket

by Peek $58, pants by Peek $58 all at Nordstrom.

Above: Little Pretties top, $34 at Nordstrom; Hudson vest $59 at Dandelion, Danville. Pants by Tea Collection, $39 at Nordstrom.

SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ FAMILY ]

The Seventh Step to Balance: Passing Balance to Our Daughters

by Michelle Perry Higgins Once you feel the beauty and peace of a life in balance, you just might begin to wonder how you ever lived any other way. Perhaps our daughters will not have to go through the same struggle to find their balance, if we, as their mothers, can model it for them. Can we pass down our hard-won legacy of balance to the next generation? I believe we can. I believe we must.

Before I found my balance, I came home from work frazzled and off-kilter. No matter how hard I tried to fake it, to play calm mommy, my two young daughters sensed my stress and lack of balance. They would mirror it by whining, crying, and becoming easily agitated. Why would I expect them to be any other way, since I was the main role model they were learning about life from?

I knew I wasn’t being fair to my girls because whatever life, whatever attitude, whatever frame of mind I modeled for them, they would emulate. Good or bad.

Michelle Perry Higgins is the author of the Amazon best-seller, Stocks, Bonds & Soccer Moms and The Everything Binder. As a financial planner and principal of California Financial Advisors in San Ramon, California,​ Ms. Higgins specializes in wealth management. Since 1996 she has built a successful practice advising executive professionals into retirement, and her passion for finance has helped hundreds of individuals better understand the process of investing and fiscal planning.

Ms. Higgins was featured as a 2012 and 2013 Five Star Wealth Manager Award, Diablo Magazine, and was also ranked in the Top 50 WomenOwned RIAs in 2013, Top 25 Women RIAs in 2012 and 2014, and Top 40 Under 40 by WealthManagement. com. She has been quoted in Yahoo!

Finance, MSN Money and The Los Angeles Times, is a Wall Street Journal Expert Panelist.

Follow Michelle on Twitter: @RetirementMPH. Join Michelle on Facebook: facebook.com/MichellePerryHiggins.

Bookmark her website: www.michelleperryhiggins.com.

When I was writing Stocks, Bonds & Soccer Moms, I enlisted the help of several experts: an elementary school teacher, a principal, a psychologist, and an influential leader of a teen organization.

I spoke to elementary school teacher Caitlin Hotton. She described wellbalanced kids as those who are caring, show empathy, seem anxiety-free, are easy-going, can adapt easily, are confident, and stay engaged. Ms. Hotton told me, “A mother who takes care of herself and values herself will raise a daughter who does the same.”

Elementary school principal Patricia Hansen offered her own perspective on the traits well-balanced kids have in common. “They usually come from a strong family unit and have a number of significant adults in their lives besides their parents, such as grandparents, coaches, or good teachers,” she said. “Wellbalanced kids are optimistic, positive people who usually enjoy school, their friends, and life in general.

Hansen advises moms to put their children first, as they are only with you for a short amount of time. Be open and honest with your kids and help them understand that they are—and always will be—the most important people in their mom’s life.

How do we encourage our daughters to follow their dreams? How do we create that close bond we long for, without being overbearing? That’s a matter of balance too, isn’t it?

I asked school psychologist Jill Forschler to help me sort this all out.

“With mothers and daughters, there can be a fine line between what a daughter perceives as advice and when she is feeling controlled,” said Forschler. “I suggest becoming a role model for her, instead of offering continuous unsolicited advice.

Whether mom is a Fortune 500 CEO, a homemaker, an administrator, or a cake

10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] decorator, her ability to share her journey to success should influence her daughter to follow her dreams as well.”

I asked how moms might help their daughters develop a healthy self-image. “If our daughters hear us complain daily about the size of our thighs and our yearning for the newest or best cars, houses, or clothes, we are unwittingly teaching them to compare themselves to others and be unsatisfied with what they have.” She went on to say many of us don’t even realize we are doing it, but the children are listening. “We need to focus on the good in ourselves, highlight our strengths, and point out how our daughters are both alike and different from us in so many wonderful ways.

“Don’t pigeonhole your daughter. Help her find and explore her interests and at the same time, encourage them. Our daughters need to be aware of what they do well and become confident in their abilities.”

remove her from that environment?’ Sadly, most of the time no hands go up.”

The sheer injustice of all this made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

So what about the boys? Our sons. Sure, girls can be thoughtless and place themselves in harm’s way, but how about the boys who perpetrate these kinds of horrors?

In today’s violence and pornography filled culture, your sons desperately need your help. Regardless of your husband’s input, you can still model, indeed you must model a woman who respects herself, respects her children, and will not stand for any kind of abuse. Your sons will take note. If they respect you, the chances are much higher that they will respect all women.

One of the most eye-opening discussions I had was with Linda Turnbull, executive director of Teen Esteem.

This non-profit organization visits northern California schools, encouraging kids to carefully consider the consequences of their choices, especially pertaining to risky adolescent behavior.

As parents, our children are the most important loved ones in our lives. We want them to be healthy and happy with a balanced life. As the experts confirm, our children need to witness healthy, balanced behavior from us.

Once you have refined your balancing skills, pass them

“Young girls are being sexualized at a younger and younger age,” said Turnbull. “They develop images of who they should be, what they should look like, and how they should act, taking their cues from prime time TV, magazines, popular teen web sites, etc. All of this continues to strip away their ability to respect themselves, since they constantly measure themselves against what they consider ideal role models in pop culture.”

Turnbull related a disturbing story. A northern California girl went to a party, got drunk, passed out, and was sexually assaulted by three football players. “Photos were taken, and although nothing was shared on Facebook, the photos were passed around at school . . . not even the highest socioeconomic level is exempt from this scenario.”

Similar tragedies happened in Canada and in Ohio within a month of the California incident. “Two of the female victims committed suicide. Another attempted it and later was taken off life support and died,” Turnbull told me. “So during our program, we’ll ask girls the question, ‘How many of you know a stand-up kind of guy who would go into that back bedroom, chase out the guys who are sexually assaulting a young girl, and help

down to your amazing children as quickly as you can.

Here are some suggestions: 1 Make dinner or bedtime special. Ask your children about their day, their struggles and successes. Look at them while they talk. Keep the lines of communication open.

2 Balance the amount of technology in your child’s life.

Monitor their phones and computers. Discuss what behaving appropriately, with regard to technology, is and is not.

3 Talk about balance with your child. Make sure they understand the feeling of balance so they can communicate to you when they are stressed, overworked, or need down time.

Most important, be your kids’ role model, for both boys and girls. Show them the power of balance by doing whatever is necessary to achieve it yourself! It will sink in, trust me. You’ll be giving your children a gift of unimaginable value, one that will last them their entire lives.

SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

[ FAMILY ]

How to Find a 25th Hour in Your Day

by Samantha Ettus More than 20 years ago, American Airlines saved $40,000 by removing just one olive from each salad tray in First class. This fun fact translates to your life where the smallest lifestyle changes can yield the most dramatic gains. Here are 10 ways to steal more time from your own life: 1. Organize Masterfully Triathletes win and lose races in the transitions. Make sure your “supplies’ are in the right places. Every member of your family needs her own equivalent of the cubby and her backpack, lunchbox, homework, and shoes all needs to live there.

2. Outsource – to Your Kids Figure out the age appropriate activities that your kids can do on their own. Get dressed? Pour cereal? Even put him in charge of managing the schedule. An added bonus is that you are helping him towards independence at the same time. www.samanthaettus.com

3. Beware of the Flex Time Fantasy The beauty of 9-5 is that you don’t need to think about your hours. The downside of flexibility is that it adds new daily time decisions to your already chaotic life. Even if you are in a position to make your own hours, live your life by a routine daily schedule or you will pay dearly in wasted time.

4. Remove Complexity If they can’t yet tie a shoelace, buy Velcro sneakers. If the politics and scheduling of your carpool adds to family stress, stop doing it.

5. Hunt for Opportunity Look for areas of your life that you can be wiser about. Your pre-school has a 15 minute drop off window? Drop off at the beginning, not the end, and get an extra 15 minutes each day. You will be less rushed and your child gets to see the room fill up rather than entering an already full classroom.

6. Identify Kid Friendly Errands Time doing errands can be turned into bonding time when you do it together. Never Fill your gas tank without your kids. Same goes for the supermarket and the car wash. All kid-friendly.

7. Go Local No more commuting to errands. Stop trekking to the pediatric dentist 30 minutes away when there is a great one in your town. Loyalty is great but not when it takes you three hours round trip for a haircut. There is a great stylist within a few miles of you. Find her.

8. Create a Meal Bank Make and freeze three of the week’s meals with your kids in advance on 12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] the weekend and plan out the entire week’s dinners on Sunday night so that you aren’t left planning under time pressure.

9. Be Regular Stop scrambling for last minute resources. Book a weekly Saturday night sitter instead of calling around at the last minute each time. If you need a regular manicure, add a weekly time to your schedule.

10. Do It the Night Before Things take twice as long when your kids are in need of your attention so take 10 minutes when the house is quiet the night before to pick out their clothes and set the table for the next morning’s breakfast.

show, Obsessed TV. Since earning her undergraduate and MBA degrees from Harvard, Sam has worked with thousands of celebrities, top CEOs and professional athletes who aim to perform at the highest levels in both their professional and personal lives.

Sam launched the first-ever personal branding agency in 2001 and, after working with hundreds of CEOs and experts, she turned her focus exclusively to women. Sam realized that by making significant but simple work/lifestyle changes, women could maximize their career potential.

Sam makes regular television appearances on national TV including Access Hollywood, The Today Show and Fox News,

Samantha Ettus is obsessed with helping women to reach their potential. As the leading work/lifestylist, Sam specializes in coaching the busiest women on the planet.

Sam is a bestselling author of four Random House books, a writer for Forbes, and host of the nationally syndicated radio show, Working Moms Lifestyle. As Sam guides women through the maze

among others.

She is a sought after women’s speaker at colleges, conferences and corporations throughout the country. Sam has a powerful social media following through which she reaches more than 60,000 people daily.

of their personal and professional challenges, she often pulls in the nation’s leading experts, 500 of whom were contributors

Sam aims to practice what she preaches in her daily life as a wife

to her Experts’ Guide book series and her leading internet talk

and mother of three.

The

secret of education lies in respecting the pupil. [ Ralph Waldo EmERson ]

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SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Park Guide Alameda County

Kolb Park 8020 Bristol Rd Features fitness equipment, play equipment, tennis courts, softball diamonds and walkways/trails

Alameda Franklin Park 1432 San Antonio Ave Nice playground with swings, sandbox and good structures for kids young and old

Livermore Bruno Canziani Park 5799 Charlotte Ave Features two play areas, one for bigger kids, plenty of grass to run around on and basketball courts

Berkeley Adventure Playground 162 University Ave Climbing, zip line, hammer, saw or paint!

Tilden Regional Park 2501 Grizzly Peak Blvd Lake, farm, Merry-Go-Round and hiking

Dublin Alamo Creek Park 7601 Shady Creek Road Features basketball courts, picnic tables, play equipment and large open spaces to run and play Bray Commons 3300 Finnian Way Features walkways/trails, picnic tables, basketball courts and play equipment

Lester J. Knott Park 655 N. Mines Rd. Large grass area and great for toddlers Devany Square 4405 Chancery Lane Features child play area, walkways/trails and picnic tables Dolan Park 11651 Padre Way Features fitness equipment, basketball courts, picnic tables and play equipment Emerald Glen Park 4201 Central Pkwy Features a sand area, jungle gym, and a large open grass area

14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

Sycamore Grove Park 1051 Wetmore Rd Stroller and kid-bike friendly trails and nature walks

Piedmont Beach Playfield Linda Ave between Grand Ave & Lake Ave Tennis courts, soccer fields, little tots play structure and sand area

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Piedmont Park 711 Highland Ave Fountain, nice play structure for kids and Japanese Tea House

Park Guide Muirwood Community Park 4701 Muirwood Dr. Lots of shade and great for toddlers and picnics Val Vista Community Park 6701 Payne Dr. Great for big kids, rock climbing and outdoor roller hockey rink

Contra Costa County

Danville

Hap Magee Ranch Park 1025 La Gonda Way Lots of shade, child play area and dog friendly Oak Hill Park 3005 Stone Valley Rd. Great for toddlers and duck feeding in the pond but no shade

Alamo Livorna Park Livorna Rd at Miranda Ave. Great sand area but no shade, basketball and volley ball areas

Pleasanton Amador Valley Park 4301Black Ave Features two play structures, slides, and large grassy field to run, play or fly kites Mission Hills Park Junipero Street & Independence Street Great for children of all ages, BIG Slide, and good walking/bike riding paths

Brentwood Blue Goose Park 1765 Adams Lane Bathrooms, picnic area, rock wall but has very little shade Brentwood City Park 790 2nd St Splash pad, two jungle gyms, picnic tables and plenty of shade

Osage Station Park 816 Brookside Dr. Open space to run, clean bathrooms, and climbing structures Sycamore Valley Park 2101 Holbrook Dr. Climbing structures, slides and small sand box

SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Park Guide Lafayette

Lafayette Reservoir 3849 Mount Diablo Blvd Rolling grass hills, lots of shade and lake area Lafayette Community Park 480 St. Marys Rd Features lots of shade, toddler play area, big kid area and rock climbing

Martinez Holiday Highlands Park 660 Fig Tree Ln Features separate play structures for older and younger children, BBQ pits, grassy fields and places to ride bikes Ranking Park 100 Buckley St. Swimming pool, clean, great for kids

Rancho Laguna Park 2101 Camino Pablo New play structure and swing set with fully fenced in kids play area

Orinda Orinda Community Center Park 26 Orinda Way Tennis courts, kid-friendly, sandbox, jungle gym and swings

Pleasant Hill Pleasant Hill Park 147 Gregory Lane Open grass area, paved path for scooters or skating along with a toddler area

San Ramon

Fire Truck Park 2070 Arlington Way Quiet, fire truck play structure but no bathrooms Piccadilly Square Park 2503 Piccadilly Cir. New play structures, basketball courts, little shade available

Walnut Creek Castle Rock Regional Recreation 1700 Castle Rock Rd. Good hiking trails, wildlife, and good for children Civic Park 1301 Civic Dr. Great for toddlers and rock climbing

Moraga

Boon Acres 9716 Davona Dr. Great for picnics, lots of shade and dog friendly

Moraga Commons Park 1149 Moraga Rd. 9-hold disc golf course, bocce ball, horseshoe pits, basketball, volleyball, Skate Park and playground

Heather Farm Park 301 N San Carlos Dr. Large open area, small climbing wall and swimming pool close by

Central Park 12501 Alcosta Blvd Large open grass area and large play structures

Larkey Park Buena Vista & First Ave Great for kids, large open area, picnics and BBQ pits

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[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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Friday, September 26 - Sunday, October 5 Friday - 7:30PM • Saturday - 2 & 7:30PM • Sunday - 2PM

4444 Railroad Ave., Pleasanton www.firehousearts.org SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

[ FAMILY ]

Dr. Meeker is a pediatrician, who has practiced pediatric and adolescent medicine for 25 years. She is the author of six books including the best-selling Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: Ten Secrets Every Father Should Know; Boys Should Be Boys; Your Kids At Risk;, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose and Sanity; Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30 Day Challenge and Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men, (Ballantine) April 2014. She is a popular speaker on pediatric health issues and child-parent relationships.

Dr. Meeker is co-host and physicianin-residence of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk Radio. She is also Assistant Clinical Professor at Michigan State University College of Human Medicine and currently teaches medical students and physicians in residency training.

She is board certified with the American Board of Pediatrics and is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Dr. Meeker serves on the National Advisory Board of the Medical Institute. She has been married to her husband, Walter for 32 years. They have shared a medical practice for over 20 years.

They have three grown daughters and a grown son. She lives in northern Michigan.

Moms, Let’s Simplify Our Lives

by Dr. Meg Meeker

Lisa came into my office a few days ago in tears.

“Life’s just out of control, that’s all,” she said.

Three days earlier she had experienced a melt-down. After volunteering at a local food pantry, she took one child to gymnastics. Then she picked another up from school and drove her to piano, ran back to her oldest daughter’s school, and picked her up. She went back to gymnastics, back to piano, then drove her oldest to a birthday party at 5:30 pm. After that, she had planned to swing into the grocery store, find food for supper, go home, and make dinner.

But her melt-down disrupted the evening.

“While I was driving to the birthday party, one of the kids began to complain.

I snapped. I pulled the car into the nearest driveway and started screaming at all three girls in the back seat. My 7-year-old told the 9-year-old to ‘shut up,’ and my 12-year-old started yelling at my 7-year-old because she said that she should never say ‘shut-up.’

“Suddenly, I burst into tears. The car became stone-cold quiet. I turned the car around and went home. No birthday party, and we had canned soup for dinner. Do you think I’m turning into a child abuser?” she finished.

No, I reassured her, she wasn’t a child abuser, just an overcooked mom like the rest of us. But here’s my question: why are we moms compelled to live so frenetically?

Let’s face it. We’ve all been in Lisa’s shoes.

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] If we peel away the excuses we make for overscheduling ourselves and our kids, we’re left with the real reason we do this: fear. We are too afraid not to be busy.

Adding complexity to our lives and raising our anxiety levels has become a past-time for mothers—particularly conscientious mothers. We sign our kids up for tons of things (most of which they don’t want to do), fret about which school to send them to, stuff their lives and ours with too many things, and then worry about how we’ll pay for it all. I think we’ve all gone a bit mad (myself included).

Melissa and Doug  Leapfrog  Graco Eddie Bauer  Gap  Gymboree  Janie & Jack

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So I have a radical proposal: let’s simplify our lives as moms.

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Deep in our hearts, we hear a small voice beckoning us to slow down and let go of the madness. Usually we ignore it, but I think it’s high time we heed it. We can do this.

Learning to live more simply means learning to let go of things, activities and even relationships that make life too muddy. It means setting priorities for our lives and our days and living like we mean it.

Simplicity occurs on two levels. First, there is an inward simplicity, which occurs in our hearts. In this inner simplicity, we do some soul searching to figure out what we purpose to do on this earth the short time we’re here.

It means establishing real goals and focusing on them.

The second form is external simplicity, which means putting feet onto what our hearts have decided. Here, we remove activities and things that prevent us from living our priorities. External simplicity means going into our closets and giving clothes away so we have less to wash. Maybe it means switching jobs so that we have more time with our kids, or cutting our kids’ extracurricular activities in half so they can come home and play board games in the afternoons. The working out of it is different for each one of us.

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Adventures in Learning Early Childhood Center

I propose that we have at it. I am going to grab my calendar and a pen and start deleting things that stress me. Then I’m going to start getting rid of stuff.

Yikes. This feels scary.

There’s that fear again telling me that my kids and I really need the stuff we have and the activities we do. But I’m not going to bite. I’m going to move ahead because I don’t need to be afraid.

I suppose the reason that simplicity is a discipline is because it requires a bit of back bone. But I have it, and I know that you do, too.

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SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

[ FAMILY ]

Jim Taylor, Ph.D., Psychology, has worked with young people, parents and educators for more than 27 years. Jim is the author of 14 books, four of which are parenting books.

Jim has appeared on NBC’s Today Show, Fox News Channel, ABC’s World News This Weekend, and the major television network affiliates around the country.

He has participated in many radio shows. Dr. Taylor has been an expert source for articles that have appeared in The London Telegraph, The Los Angeles Times, The New York Daily News, The Chicago Tribune, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Outside, Men’s Health, and many other newspapers and magazines.

Jim lives north of San Francisco with his wife, Sarah, and his daughters, Catie and Gracie. To learn more, visit www.drjimtaylor.com.

What Messages are Your Expectations Sending to Your Children?

by Dr. Jim Taylor Setting expectations for your children is an essential responsibility of parenting.

Expectations communicate messages to your children about what’s important to you and establish a standard toward which your children can strive. But expectations can be double-edged swords. They can be a tremendous benefit to your children’s development or they can be weighty burdens that crush their self-esteem, depending on what types of expectations you set for them.

Unhealthy Expectations of Competence There are two types of expectations that you shouldn’t set for your children: ability and outcome expectations. Ability expectations are those in which children get the message that you expect them to achieve a certain result because of their natural ability, “We expect you to get straight A’s because you’re so smart” or “We expect you to win because you’re the best athlete out there.” The problem with these messages is that children have no control over their ability. Children are born with a certain amount of ability and all they can do is maximize whatever ability they are given. The fact is that if your children aren’t meeting your ability expectations, you have no one to blame

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] but yourself—you didn’t give them good enough genes!

Plus, your children have no control over their ability, so it is pointless to even talk about it. Another problem with ability expectations is that if children attribute their successes to their ability—“I got an A because I’m so smart,”—they must attribute their failures to their lack of ability—“I got a D because I’m stupid.”

Our culture also conveys the message that results matter above all else. As a consequence, parents often set outcome expectations in which the message is that their children must produce a certain result—“We expect you to win this game” or “We know you’ll be the soloist in your dance school performance” if they want to be seen as competent. The problem is that, once again, children are asked to meet an expectation over which they may not have control. They might perform to the best of their ability but still not meet their parents’ outcome expectations because other children just happened to do better than they did. So they would have to consider themselves as incompetent despite their good performance. Setting outcome expectations also communicates the bigger message to your children that you value results over everything else, so they’ll come to judge themselves by the same standards. Contrary to what you may believe, ability and outcome expectations actually hinder your children’s development of competence.

But Results Do Matter!

Now you might be thinking, “Wait a minute! I can’t push my kids to get good grades or do their best in school, sports, and other activities? No way I’m buying this one.”

Before you jump all over me, give me some latitude to bring all these ideas back to the real world.

Here is a simple reality that we all recognize in our culture: results matter! No two ways about it, in most parts of our society, the message that children get is that their competence is judged on the results they produce: grades, victories, test scores, rankings.

Though it would be great if children were rewarded for their good intentions or efforts, that is not the way the world works. Unfortunately, this societal message can cause parents to place their desire for their children to get results in the short run ahead of their long-term development, the result of which is interference rather than encouragement in their children’s growth.

I would recommend that you give up outcome expectations all together, but still give your children outcome “somethings.” Those somethings I refer to are outcome goals. Goals are very different from expectations. Outcome expectations are often set by

parents and placed in front of their children without their consultation or “buy in.” There is almost always an implied threat with outcome expectations: “If you don’t live up to our expectations, we won’t love you.”

And kids often feel dragged—sometimes kicking and screaming—toward those expectations. Children have no ownership of expectations and little motivation, outside of that implied threat from their parents, to fulfill the expectations. When I ask children about expectations, they usually grimace and send a very clear message, “They’re telling me what to do and I better do it or I’ll get into trouble.” Not exactly “feelgood” parenting! The message of outcome expectations are also black and white; your children either meet the expectation and succeed or they don’t and they fail. So there is very little opportunity for success and lots of room for failure.

Goals are very different. One of the great joys in life is to set a goal, work toward a goal, and achieve a goal.

Children have ownership of their goals and want to set and strive toward goals for themselves, with guidance from parents, teachers, and coaches. For example, “My goal is to get straight As this semester.” One great thing about goals is that they aren’t black and white, but about degree of attainment. Not every goal can be achieved, but there will almost always be improvement toward a goal and that progress defines success. So, if children give their best effort, there is little chance of failure and great opportunity for success. When I ask kids about goals, they convey a very different message. Their faces perk up and they say things like, “It means I decide to do something and I want to really work hard to do it.”

For example, a child’s parents established an outcome expectation of raising her math grade from an 80 to a 92 during the school year. If she only improved her grade to an 89, then she would have failed to meet the outcome expectation. But if she set an outcome goal of a 92, even though that goal wasn’t fully realized, she would still see the 89 as a success because of the her substantial improvement she made over her previous grade. When you send messages of goals rather than expectations to your children, you foster rather than inhibit their sense of competence.

But even outcome goals aren’t ideal. Many parents think that focusing on the outcome will increase the chances of that outcome occurring, but the opposite is actually true. Here’s why. When does the outcome of a performance occur (e.g., in an exam or a sports competition)? At the end, of course. And if children are focusing on the end of the performance, what are they not focusing on? Well, the process, obviously. Here’s SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ FAMILY ] the irony. By focusing on the process rather than the outcome, your children will more likely perform better and, if they perform better, they’re more likely to achieve the outcome you wanted in the first place. Also, why do children get nervous before a test, sporting event, or recital? Because they’re afraid of the outcome, more specifically, they’re afraid of failure. So by getting them focused on the outcome, they’re going to get nervous and, as a result, will be less likely to perform well and achieve the outcome you wanted for them.

So if you’re going to send messages about outcome somethings, make sure they are outcome goals, but then immediately send other messages that encourage your children to focus on the process, that is, what they need to do to demonstrate their competence and achieve the outcome goals.

Effort Expectations If you want your children to develop that essential sense of competence, you should communicate messages about effort expectations, over which they have control and that actually encourage them to do what it takes to achieve the outcomes you want. These expectations are also within your children’s control. If your children feel that they have the tools to feel competent, they are much more likely to embrace and pursue their goals.

Think about what your children need to do to gain competence and create effort expectations that will lead to that competence: commitment, positive attitude, hard work, discipline, patience, focus, persistence, perseverance. “Our family expects you to give your best effort” or “Our family expects you to make your studies a priority.”.

Notice that I use “our family” instead of “we your parents.” This subtle change in language communicates several important messages. It removes the source of the message being the parent, focuses it on the children, and establishes the message as a collaboration between you and them. This cooperative messaging ensures that your children, as a member of the family, have ownership of the expectations rather than feeling that you have forced the expectations on them.

If your children meet your effort expectations, they will, in all likelihood, gain competence and experience the intrinsic rewards garnered from their efforts. If your children don’t meet the effort expectations, they won’t experience that sense of competence and will also be disappointed (they should be). But rather than being crushed by the failure, they will know that they have the power to fulfill the expectations and gain competence in the future.

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

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[ EVENTS ]

September Alameda County September 1 HAPPY LABOR DAY

September 1 – 30 Back-IN School Supply Drive New Leaf Community Market Pleasanton www.newleaf.com

September 3 1st Wednesday Street Party Downtown Pleasanton 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

September 4 First Thursday Dublin Farmers Market Emerald Glen Park 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

September 5 – 7 Harvest Festival Original Art & Craft Show Alameda County Fairgrounds Pleasanton Various hours www.alamedacountyfair.com

September 5, 12, 19 & 26 Downtown Fremont Street Eats Downtown Fremont 4:30pm – 9:00pm www.fremont.gov

September 6, 13, 20 & 27 Sizzling Saturdays Main Street Pleasanton 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

September 7 GRANDPARENT’S DAY Shamrock’n Sundays Emerald Glen Park 4:30pm – 7:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

Grandparents Day Oakland Zoo 10:00am – 5:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org 3rd Annual Tri-Valley Kids Splash & Dash Dolores Bengston Aquatic Center Pleasanton Ages: 5 – 15 www.tvtckidssplashanddash.com Zena’s Sassy BBQ New Leaf Community Market Pleasanton $5/plate 2:00pm – 5:00pm www.newleaf.com

September 10 M.o.M.’s Reading Time: Gold Fever Museum on Main Pleasanton 10:00am – 11:00am www.museumonmain.org

September 11 Dublin Cooks Night Emerald Glen Park 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

September 13 Family Program: Botany On Your Plate UC Berkeley Botanical Garden 10:00am – 12:00pm www.events.berkeley.edu

September 13 – 14 Family Campout Emerald Glen Park 3:00pm – 10:00am www.ci.dublin.ca.us

September 14 Kids and Crafts Teddy Bear Tea Oakland Zoo 9:30am www.oaklandzoo.org

Self-Defense 100 Class New Leaf Community Market Pleasanton $20 donation 3:30pm – 5:00pm www.newleaf.com

September 18 Community Night Emerald Glen Park 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us Gluten-Free 101 New Leaf Community Market Pleasanton FREE, RSVP 7:00pm – 8:30pm www.newleaf.com

September 19 International Talk Like a Pirate Day

September 20 Splatter…Not your ordinary Food, Wine and Art Festival Emerald Glen Park 12:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us Fremont Underground Social Experience (F.U.S.E) Town Fair Shopping Center Fremont 6:00pm – 10:00pm www.fremont.gov Green Events: Arroyo Viejo Creek Work Day Oakland Zoo 9:00am www.oaklandzoo.org

September 23 Restaurant Walk Downtown Pleasanton 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

September 25 Final Dublin Farmers’ Market!

Emerald Glen Park 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

[ EVENTS ]

September September 26

September 2

September 14

September 27

A Day of Organic Beauty New Leaf Community Market Pleasanton $5 Reservation 2:00pm – 7:00pm www.newleaf.com

Free First Tuesday Ruth Bancroft Gardens Walnut Creek www.ruthbancroftgarden.org

Va de Vi Bistro & Wine Bar Special Event Auction to benefit Lindsay Wildlife Museum Must purchase tickets 5:00pm www.wildlife-museum.org

Moraga Pear & Wine Festival Moraga Commons Park 10:00am – 4:00pm www.moraga.ca.us

September 27 A Wild West Evening Handles @ Pleasanton Hotel 6:00pm – 10:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net

September 3, 10, 17 & 24 Off the Grid Food Truck Market Trelany Road Pleasant Hill 5:00pm – 9:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

Crossroads Doll & Bear Show & Sale Alameda County Fairgrounds Pleasanton 10:00am – 3:30pm www.alamedacountyfair.com

September 6

September 28

Build a Wizard of Oz Birdhouse Local Home Depot Ages: 5 - 12 9:00am – 12:00pm www.workshops.homedepot.com

Paws in the Park Amador Valley Community Park Pleasanton 10:00am – 3:00pm www.valleyhumane.org Ivy + Bean, the Musical Bay Area Children’s Theatre Berkeley Various show times www.bactheatre.org

September 30 Bountiful Fall Harvest New Leaf Community Market Pleasanton FREE, RSVP 6:30pm – 8:00pm www.newleaf.com

Contra Costa County September 1 HAPPY LABOR DAY Heartland Antique and Art Faire Railroad Center Danville 9:00am – 3:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

Madness on Main Street Car Show Downtown Martinez 10:00am – 3:00pm www.mainstreetmartinez.org

September 16 Adventure Tuesday Club – Animals on the Move Lindsay Wildlife Museum 1:00pm – 2:15pm www.wildlife-museum.org

September 17 Fall Wine Walk Downtown Walnut Creek 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com

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September 7 GRANDPARENT’S DAY Final Sunset by the Lake Summer Concert Series 100 Gregory Lane 6:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

September 13 Walnut Festival Twilight Parade North Main Street Walnut Creek 6:00pm – 8:00pm www.thewalnutfestival.org Fall Plant Sale Gardens at Heather Farm Walnut Creek 9:00am – 12:00pm www.gardenshf.org

September 17 – October 1 Animal Patterns & Colors Lindsay Wildlife Museum 10:30am – 11:15am Ages 2 – 3 plus Adult www.wildlife-museum.org

September 18 Special Needs Night Walnut Festival Heather Farm Park www.thewalnutfestival.org

September 19 International Talk Like a Pirate Day

Toast to Moraga: 40th Anniversary Celebration Moraga Commons Park 6:00pm – 8:00pm Pre-registration Required www.moraga.ca.us Pleasant Hill Community Service Day Pleasant Hill Park 7:30am – 3:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us Bay Area Blues Festival Downtown Martinez 10:00am – 6:00pm www.mainstreetmartinez.org Las Lomas High School Car Classic Show 1460 South Main Street Walnut Creek 10:00am – 2:00pm www.llhscarclassic.org

September 29 Mini Monday – Crazy About Amphibians Lindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am – 12:00pm www.wildlife-museum.org

77th Annual Walnut Festival Heather Farms Park Walnut Creek www.thewalnutfestival.org Free 3rd Fridays All East Bay Parks www.ebparks.org

September 21 Danville d’Elegance Fine Automobile Show Hartz and Prospect Ave Danville 11:00am – 4:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ EDUCATION ]

Making Science Fun: STEM Education And Kinesthetic Learning

by The Growing Room Academy Could parents actually begin hearing the words math and fun uttered in the same sentence? What may have been unheard of for all but the ‘mathiest ‘among us is becoming a common theme for many students. Due to a nationwide effort to provide an integrated, project-based, hands-on approach to the sciences, Science is becoming fun — and it is by design.

Students are embracing kinesthetic learning through the STEM curriculum.

What is STEM Education?

STEM is an acronym for the fields of science, technology, engineering, and math. Coined by the National Science Foundation to incorporate a new “meta-discipline”, the approach requires transforming traditional classrooms from teacher-centered, lecture-based instruction into inquiry-based, handson, problem solving discovery sessions. The goal is a student-centered, activity-based holistic approach where students experience the convergence of the four disciplines. Rather than approach subjects as separate disciplines, STEM integrates them into cohesive learning experience where students gain knowledge through actively constructing the world around them. When students do science they gain the ability to creatively problem solve and apply their critical thinking skills to future situations. STEM is the intersection of learning and fun.

The Growing Room Academy is pleased to offer a fun innovative after-school STEM curriculum at their beautiful new facility in San Ramon at 2340 San Ramon Valley Blvd. Classes ranging from robotics and Lego-engineering to video game design and Java programming are offered for ages 4-17.

For more info call 925-820-5808 or visit us on the web at www.thegrowingroom.org/academy

Science and Math Education and the Need for Change A recent study by the American College Test (ACT) organization revealed that 90% of graduating students expressed no interest in a career or job in the STEM fields. Ironically, the number of students pursuing engineering or computer science jobs is actually falling and it is occurring at a time when the need for skilled STEM workers is soaring. (It is estimated that within five years, there will 2.4 million STEM job openings.) At a time of unprecedented growth in the fields of science our kids are opting out. Why? There appears to be a general lack of interest among students as they progress from Kindergarten to High School. Many have become convinced at an early age that they are “no good at math”. They aren’t interested. Many programs attempt to improve math and science education, but topics are addressed separately and a part from other subjects. This is especially true of math courses. This stand-alone approach fails to engage student interest; they see it apart and distinct from their everyday experiences. To these students math and the sciences are synonymous with boredom. For education and industry leaders this apathy points towards a ‘failure to engage’ the student. Engaging the student is the very focus of the STEM curriculum with the kinesthetic learning model at its core.

STEM and Kinesthetic Learning There a Chinese proverb that reads, “I hear, and I forget. I see, and I

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ EDUCATION ] remember. I do, and I understand”. This is the philosophy behind kinesthetic learning; a model that promotes learning through doing. Kinesthetic learning is a hands-on approach to education that is working. In his book, The Effect of Activity-Based Elementary Science Programs on Student Outcome and Classroom Practices, Ted Bredderman presents longitudinal studies comparing lecture and activitybased science and math programs. Research reveals that students in activity-based programs scored 20 percentile units higher than the comparison group.

These students also scored higher in creativity, attitude, perception, logic development, language development, science content, and mathematics. Students who are economically or academically disadvantaged gain the most from activity-based programs where the hands-on experimental approach serves as an equalizer in the classroom.

knowledgeable teacher, it can sweep children up in the excitement of discovery.”

Kinesthetic learning is based in creativity: making it a natural partner for the sciences. There is a misconception that STEM fields do not value creativity: however, industry leaders are aggressively seeking those students who will push innovation with their ability to creatively apply problem-solving and critical thinking skills. STEM students are able to apply their math and science skills to creatively solve problems.

Educational Progress In The Sciences Science education should not rely on rote facts and abstract thought. Education as a living, breathing entity: that is STEM education. It engages the student who struggles with math. It inspires the apathetic science student. It provides a means to higher education and the

The kinesthetic learning model allows for a better retention of information. In kinesthetic teaching passive learning such as sitting and listening to lectures is replaced by movement and action. Add the STEM integrated science curriculum and science becomes a hands-on experience that a student will not only remember, but also appreciate.

The Kinesthetic Model of Learning Take, for example, a 1st grader learning about puddles.

A teacher finds a picture of a puddle, she may even describe it glorious detail and have the child read about puddles, but a child experiencing a puddle with that teacher is engaging in learning in a more powerful and meaningful way. They splash in it, they wade through it, and they touch it. Now, add STEM curriculum to the mix: they float items in it, they measure it, they test the pH, and they examine it under a microscope. If you were in 1st grade, which lesson would you remember? Although information can be remembered if taught through books and lecture, true understanding and the ability to apply that knowledge in new situations requires the kind of in-depth learning acquired through direct hands-on experience. Kinesthetic teaching fosters independent learners. Through kinesthetic learning and STEM’s hands-on approach students experience science fully.

Former U.S. Secretary of Education, William J. Bennett said this regarding the study of science, “Seen only as a laundry list of theorems in a workbook, science can be a bore. But as a ‘hands-on’ adventure guided by a

jobs of the future that will shape our changing economy.

Most importantly, it leads students down the path to selfdiscovery of their world, which they will remember long after lectures and memory fade.

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SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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Working with their parents, Dr. Shelby and her staff have been successful treating many children who otherwise might have been sedated. In addition, Dr. Shelby has a degree in Orthodontics so as her patients grow, the transition into braces is more comfortable. Seeing the smiles on the faces of her patients as they grow from tiny tots to confident teens is one of the great joys of her life.

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[ FAMILY ]

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

Is Your Marriage Losing its Luster?

by Dr. Christine Carter One of the greatest things about our long-term romantic relationships is that they can provide comfort and predictability in this wild world we live in.

But let’s face it: Long-term relationships can get a little boring. Within nine to eighteen months, research suggests, 87 percent of couples lose that knee-quaking excitement they felt when they first fell madly in love. It isn’t that these relationships are bad, necessarily; they are just stale. Still edible, but not nearly as delectable as they were fresh out of the oven.

It isn’t just in our romantic relationships: In most aspects of our lives, we get used to the surroundings and circumstances that stay the same; researchers call this “hedonic adaptation.” What was once new and exciting—be it a lover, a new pair of shoes, a new neighborhood, or a new job—nearly always loses its luster over time.

The key word there, though, is nearly: 13 to 20 percent of people in long-term marriages successfully keep the fires of passion alive. (This doesn’t mean that 80

30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] percent of couples are unhappy, it just means that their relationships aren’t particularly sexy or passionate.) And although we adapt to most things in life, we tend not to adapt to circumstances and situations that involve “variable, dynamic, and effortful engagement”—as when we take an engaging hike or class or while we are learning a new sport, according to researcher Ken Sheldon, who studies hedonic adaptation.

All this means that the very predictability that makes our long-term relationships comforting can also make us feel bored and uninterested in our spouses—which, of course, causes disconnection and even conflict. The destructive way to deal with relationship boredom is to seek excitement and novelty outside of the relationship—we all know people who’ve done that. Fortunately, there are better solutions to this common problem.

The antidote: Shake things up. Maybe a lot.

The good news is that its fun to stoke the fires of your relationship. The bad news is that you’ll have to give up some of the comfort (or if not that, the complacency) that has settled into your relationship. Here’s how: • Make yourself vulnerable (just like you probably were on that first date!). Vulnerability can be uncomfortable because it involves, by definition, emotional exposure, uncertainty, and risk. (Remember: Vulnerability is not weakness!) Vulnerability allows trust and intimacy to develop and deepen.

A simple (if not always easy) way to make ourselves vulnerable in our relationships is to bare ourselves emotionally. What can you reveal to your long-term love that he or she doesn’t already know about you? Ask your beloved intimate questions to which you aren’t sure you know the answer (I carry a little rubber-banded pile of Table Topics for Couples in my purse for just this purpose).

Or do something mildly risky. Go on an adventure for your next vacation, to an unknown place that feels a little daunting. Visit a karaoke bar for your next date night, and actually sing. Try a new sport (where you risk feeling silly or uncoordinated). Do something thrilling, like zip-lining or bungee-jumping.

Vulnerability works in part because it creates a similar biochemistry and physiology as when you and your beloved were first falling in love. Researchers think it is likely that we tend to conflate the high-arousal induced by doing something risky with the high-arousal of intense attraction—the two states feel similar. Either way, an adrenaline rush is good for a relationship that is losing its luster.

• Upgrade your routines. I am a HUGE fan of productive routines and positive habits, and I advocate them in relationships as well, with one caveat: Your relationship habits routinely need to introduce variety, or you’ll start feeling entitled and bored. Making variety a habit—think that’s an oxymoron?

It isn’t. You may have a gratitude ritual at bedtime, where you tell your love something you appreciate about them before sleep; challenge yourself to come up with something new every day. Or perhaps you have a weekly date night—it might be cozy and comfortable to always go to the same Italian restaurant on the corner, but you’re gonna need to shake it up a little bit. Keep the date night, but always do something different. Vary the restaurant, vary the activity. Pretend you are trying to impress a new date.

Even if you aren’t up for the risk of an adventure or the intensity of emotional exposure, make sure there is a little excitement in your relationship routines. When researchers have couples create lists of things that they find exciting to do (maybe skiing, or trying a new restaurant, or going to a part of the city they rarely visit) couples who did something exciting together were more likely to agree with statements like “I feel happy when I am doing something to make my partner happy” and “I feel ‘tingling’ and ‘an increased heartbeat’ when I think of my partner.”

• Surprise your significant other (and maybe yourself at the same time). This is no more complicated than making an effort not to be so predictable. Throw them off their game a bit by blindfolding them on the way to your date-night. Similarly, a good friend and her husband trade off date-night planning, and don’t tell the other anything about the date. They might not end up doing anything outlandish, but the element of surprise makes the situation novel and exciting. Research shows that when ambiguity is introduced into something positive, the uncertainty in and of itself tends to increase our pleasure.

While you’re at it, look for unintended surprises in your significant other. You might be doing something you’ve done with her 1,001 times, but challenge yourself to find something new about the way that she is doing it. Our brains are pattern-finders, and they often see only what they expect to see. We find new people and situations more interesting and exciting because we don’t know yet what patterns we’ll find in their behavior (researchers call this the “lure of ambiguity”). When we find something new about a familiar person, we’ll tend to find him or her more interesting.

SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31

[ FAMILY ] In romantic relationships, all of these strategies can (and should) be tried in the bedroom, of course. Lovemaking is one of the most significant ways most couples stay connected, but like the relationship itself, it can get stale over time. Shake things up in your sex life by making yourself vulnerable, taking risks, changing up your routines, and adding elements of surprise.

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Finally, do these things as a way to deepen your connection and closeness in your relationship rather than to avoid conflict or rejection. When our relationship goals are positive (e.g., we want to have fun) rather than negative (e.g., we’re trying to avoid a fight), we tend to be much more satisfied with our relationships and to feel less lonely and insecure. And there’s nothing boring about that.

Tell us: What do you do to add spark back into your relationship?

Interested in learning more about the science behind hedonic adaptation in relationships? I highly recommend Sonja Lubermirsky’s book The Myths of Happiness. There’s a whole chapter on taking your relationship from so-so to exciting!

Dr. Ozzie Jafarnia

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[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Weelicious Lunchbox Ideas It’s time to start packing school lunches and wracking your brain to come up with healthy, balanced meals the kids will enjoy! Weelicous.com can help! Check out their website for great daily lunch ideas, find recipes, tips and more! For all recipes listed here, go to www.Weelicious.com.

Also be sure to pick up Catherine’s new cookbook: Weelicious Lunches: Think Outside the Lunch Box with More Than 160 Happier Meals.

Founder of www.Weelicious.com, Catherine McCord’s second book, Weelicious Lunches: Think Outside the Lunchbox serves as both a cookbook and an inspirational how-to guide. An acclaimed chef and food blogger,

Cheesy meatloaf bites, strawberry fruit leather, corn w/parmesan cheese, pomegranate seeds & orange ginger cookies

PB&J sushi sandwiches, shaved veggie salad, berries, rice crispy balls, edamame

Catherine, mother of two school-age children, speaks for countless parents faced with the daily challenge of packing lunches while taking into account individual taste, allergies, and food preferences.

Baked blueberry doughnut, chickpeas, grapes, roast vegetables, salami 34 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Corn dog mini muffins, oatmeal raisin cookies, hearts of palm, cucumbers, passion fruit & mandarins

Crispy chicken nuggets, corn wheels, homemade potato chips, donut peach, fig

Mexican fried rice, cheese cubes, Mini Babybel cheese, carrots, berries, olives

BBQ chicken bites, figs, plums, tomatoes, dried cherries, whole grain fruit-filled bars

Time saving tips for the night before: • Cut up veggies and serve alone or alongside hummus, salad dressing or your child’s favorite dip.

• Wash whole fruits • Cut up apples or pears and toss the slices with a squeeze of lemon or orange juice to prevent browning.

• Go in your fridge and peek through leftover containers for: • brown rice that can be tossed with black beans or sesame seeds (for added protein).

• cooked pasta that can be mixed with pesto or tomato sauce and a sprinkle of grated parmesan cheese.

• chicken that you can slice and put inside a wrap, sandwich or serve on its own with some BBQ sauce for dipping.

• baked sweet potatoes simply on their own make a fabulous hand held meal.

• When you bake cookies, freeze a few baked or unbaked cookies first on cookie sheets (so they don’t stick together) and then transfer them to labeled zipper bags. Pop a few out and quickly bake them whenever you need an easy sweet treat.

And no matter what, always try and make sure lunch is balanced by including a fruit, vegetable, protein and carbohydrate!

SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 35

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

7 Back to School Traditions Pencils, Backpacks, Sports…Yep, it’s that time again. BACK TO SCHOOL. No matter how many articles you read or lists you create, it’s almost guaranteed to be a little crazy and hectic on the first day of school no matter what. But we are here to remind you that you can be MORE prepared and LESS stressed through simple traditions, it’s never too late to start!

Back to School Shopping!

We all remember how it felt, walking into school on the first day with our new backpacks, lunchboxes, shoes and accessories...that extra pep in your step, if you will. It doesn’t have to be an all-out shopping spree but this is an opportunity to make your child feel comfortable and confident starting the New School Year!

Make it an all-day event, stop for lunch, talk about fun things that happened throughout the summer, and things they are looking forward to in the school year.

First Day of School Photo Ideas…

This seems like a simple ‘duh!’ but we found that sometimes the stress of school starting back up, parents forget to take a picture on the morning of their child’s first day. Take some time before the first day to set out your child’s outfit, get their lunch ready the night before so you can take the time to take multiple pictures, with a 36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ SEASONAL FUN ] day. Why not a joke? “Why is it dangerous to play cards in the Jungle?...Because there are so many CHEETAS!” Something to Look Forward to…

After a long day at school, let them do something they love. Whether it’s play their favorite game for an extra 30 minutes (of course, after they finish their homework) or play with their friends a little longer it will give them something to look forward to if their first day was a little more hectic than expected.

Meet New Friends Together…

Meeting new friends is sometimes a little scary…Why not ease that by setting up play dates with the moms/dads you meet on the first day. This will help you get to know the parents while your children get to know each other.

mixture of silly and serious! Some of our favorite ideas are the ones that show the grade, teacher, and their favorite things (such as: color, show, food, song and sports). These are great ways to show how over the years the shifts in your child’s interest.

Back to School Scheduling…

Put creative and fun charts together a week or so before the start of school that will help the school year go smoothly. Some of our favorites are: chore charts, homework schedule and calendars. There are a ton of templates and free pintable’s online. You can even create lunchbox planners!

Fun with Food…

Mark the start of school with a ‘Last Supper of Summer’ or scrumptious Breakfast! Whether its chocolate chip pancakes for dinner, French toast in the shape of dinosaurs or some other special item, make their favorite to help ease the first day jitters.

Lunchbox Creativity!

Half of their first day is over! What better way to rejoice than an unsuspected lunch treat or a lovely little note encouraging them to keep trucking along on their first

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[ FAMILY ] [ HEALTH ]

Ask a UCSF Benioff Oakland Children’s Hospital Oakland/Walnut Creek Expert:

by Dr. Gail Seche Q: Sometimes parents feel that feeding their young child can regularly turn into a battle of wills. What should you do if your child refuses to eat new foods or turns down foods that were previously offered and refused?

A: Forcing food acceptance or intake can make a child even more resistant. Offer new and previously refused foods, and let the child approach them gradually.

It may be helpful to allow exploration of new foods. Children learn by using all of their senses — so they may need to touch or smell the food to learn about it. Children often want to do their before deciding if new foods are okay to try.

Once they do taste the new food, allow them to eat it gradually so they can get accustomed to the taste and consistency.

Q: Does bribing or rewarding children with special foods, candy or desserts ever help children “eat their vegetables?”

A: If you use sweets as rewards for finishing a meal or eating a vegetable, your child learns that some foods are better than others. Treat all foods as equals. Allow your child to say when he or she has had enough to eat. If the rest of the family eats Gail Seche, MMSc, RD, CSP. Manager, Pediatric Clinical Nutrition, UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospital Oakland

dessert, offer it to your child as well, regardless of how much he or she has eaten.

Q: Is it okay to feed young children separately or should they eat with the rest of the family?

A: Children should not be isolated at meal times because they will not learn by example. Eat with your child and encourage family meals. If you want your child to have good manners at meal times, he or she needs to see other people having good manners. If you want your child to eat foods that the family likes, allow the child to see the family eating those foods as well.

Q: If children drink beverages (milk, juice, sweet drinks) between scheduled meals or snacks, does this ruin their appetite?

A: Even a few sips of juice or milk can spoil a child’s appetite for meals and snacks.

Setting a regular schedule for meals and snacks helps children acquire healthy eating habits. Young children can be fed every 2 to 4 hours. Allow only water between scheduled eating times so that your child is hungry the next time he or she sits down to eat.

38 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ HEALTH ]

Susan Adham, M.D., practices pediatrics in East Contra Costa County with the Sutter East Bay Medical Foundation and is a Sutter Deltaaffiliated physician.

Asthma Tips

by Dr. Susan Adham Playground accidents aren’t the main reason children end up in the emergency department—asthma attacks are. Asthma is the leading cause of childhood hospitalizations and missed school days.

Asthma in the East Bay: what’s in the air?

An asthma attack can happen when a child with sensitive lungs breathes in substances that irritate his or her airways and lungs. These triggers or irritants make the lungs swell and produce mucus, making it hard to breathe.

With an increasing number of U.S. schools located near major highways, air pollution plays a growing role in children’s asthma attacks. In addition to air pollution, other triggers include: • Viral infections such as the common cold • Exposure to air pollutants, such as tobacco smoke and car exhaust • Allergies to dust mites, pet dander, pollen or mold • Cold air Physical activity can also trigger an asthma attack by increasing breathing through the mouth, irritating airways and lungs.

40 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ HEALTH ] Clearing the air When air pollution levels or the pollen count is high, ask that your child be kept inside at recess time.

Also, be sure to remove triggers by vaccinating your family against the flu; keeping your child’s room free of dust and pollen; and eliminating cigarette smoke from your home and car.

Spot problems early A peak flow meter is a portable, handheld device that can help you recognize the early signs of an asthma attack, often hours or days before symptoms, by measuring how well air moves out of your child’s lungs.

Other signs and symptoms include: • Shortness of breath/difficulty breathing • Tightness in the chest • Wheezing • Persistent coughing • Lack of sleep • Poor school performance Medications that help Pediatricians will often recommend a fast-acting medication, such as albuterol, to reopen air passages when your child is having symptoms. Albuterol is inhaled into the lungs using a small, handheld medical device called an inhaler.

Doctors will often connect a small tube called a spacer to the inhaler. A spacer makes sure that the medication goes into your child’s lungs, rather than the mouth and throat. Work with your pediatrician to make sure your child is using his or her inhaler correctly.

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If your child is using an inhaler more than once a day, he or she may need to take a corticosteroid—in addition to using an inhaler—to minimize attacks. Corticosteriods are slow-acting medications that take a few days to take effect and work by desensitizing lung tissue to triggers.

Creating a plan When your child is in school, be sure that his teachers have a detailed list of his or her symptoms, triggers, medications and peak flow measurement.

This asthma action plan will help ensure that your child gets the emergency treatment he or she needs in case of an asthma attack. Work with your doctor to develop your child’s plan.

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SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 41

[ FAMILY ]

Secrets of Close Family Communication

by Dr. Laura Markham

“By far the most important form of attention we can give our loved ones is listening... True listening is love in action. - M. Scott Peck Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

Did your family have great discussions when you were growing up? Were people interested in hearing and learning from each other’s opinions?

What happened when your needs conflicted with those of your parents?

What happened when your parents disagreed with each other? Was there a sense that family members could respectfully disagree, come up with a solution that worked for everyone, and end the discussion feeling closer to each other?

Could you tell your parents anything?

Want your kids to tell you what’s going on in their lives when they’re fifteen?

Start by making these commitments today.

42 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] 1. Commit to dealing with your own issues. If you’re uncomfortable talking about your son’s birthmark or adoption, he will be also. If you’ve been struggling with your weight for years and your preteen is eating everything in sight and showing it, your conversations with her are guaranteed to backfire. Start by working through your own issues yourself so you’ll be more able to help your kids with theirs. Get professional help if you need to.

more likely to make a connection with him and hear about what happened at band practice. Many parents swear by car rides to get their kids to talk with them, but it helps if you set the habit up early, rather than introducing distractions like radio and tapes with your preschoolers.

5. Commit to talking about anything and everything. This may seem obvious, but in most families there are some things that are off limits. Do you talk about people who

2. Commit to a No Fault household. They’re more likely to tell you things if you start from a premise of compassion for all, because we’re all human and we all make mistakes. Here’s a commitment that will change your life: Next time you find yourself automatically beginning to blame someone, stop. It’s a defense against feeling out of control, and against knowing that you had some role, however small, in creating the situation. Accept any responsibility you can – it’s good practice to overstate your responsibility – and then just accept the situation.

You can come up with better solutions from a state of acceptance than a state of blame.

3. Commit to connecting with your kids when you’re with them. Most parents of teens will tell you they regret not talking more with their kids between the ages of eight and thirteen. They may have moved their kids along from homework to baths, or from church to soccer, but always assumed they’d have the deep discussions when their kids were a little older. But most parents are shocked to realize that teens have other priorities, and the opportunities for family discussion and parental influence dwindle unless you’ve made deep discussions a habit all along. How? Commit now to focusing on your kids when you’re with them, and put energy into creating real discussions. (For ideas about questions to ask to start great discussions with your kids, go to: www. ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/communication/ family-discussions.)

have died? Your abortion when you were a teenager?

Are your kids able to tell you when they do something wrong or make a big mistake? Can your eight year old ask you if you ever used drugs? Could your twelve year old tell you she’s uncomfortable with her budding body?

Could your fifteen year old count on your support if he thought he might be gay? Could your 16 year old ask you about sexual pleasure? Whatever’s off limits, your children will sense the taboo, and it will limit what they’re willing to broach with you.

6. Commit to not letting little rifts build up. If something’s wrong between you, find a way to bring it up and work it through positively. Choosing to withdraw (except temporarily, strategically) when your child seems intent on driving you away is ALWAYS a mistake. Use the difficulties that come up to bring your family closer.

7. Commit to regulating your own emotions. The biggest hurdle to communication in most families is that when the topic is tense, we over-react. If you can regulate your own emotions, you’ll find that your child is more willing to open up with you. Even with a subject that raises everyone’s anxiety level, when we stay calm, our child is more likely to stay calm. Not only can we work together to come up with a solution that works for everyone, but our child is more likely to come to us next time there’s a crisis.

4. Commit to habits of connection, such as not answering the phone when you’re talking with your kids, and using car rides to connect with each other. If you absolutely have to take the call, apologize and explain that it’s an exception. This may seem extreme, but you don’t take calls when you’re in an important meeting. Your goal is to give your kids the message that you really value talking with them. And if you can make yourself turn off the radio when your child gets in the car, you’re lots

8. Commit to spending time together. Regular family dinners, family game nights, picnics under the stars. Find times when you can turn off all technology and just be together. Enjoy each other. Wonder about each other’s lives, interests, opinions. Great conversations have a way of happening once we focus on each other instead of screens.

SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 43

[ EDUCATION ]

To learn more about Primrose School of Pleasanton, visit www.PrimrosePleasanton.com, or call 925-600-7746

Early Literacy: The Foundation for Learning and Life

by Primrose School of Pleasanton Research has shown for decades that being read to and having interactive experiences with books are key predictors of a child’s later school success.

Many parents wonder at what point they should start reading with their children. Interestingly, a love of reading begins early on as infants or, some say, even before birth. When you begin to read books to your little ones, point to the pictures in the book and talk about them in an exaggerated fashion. What you say doesn’t necessarily have to match the words in the book – you can personalize the story to make it even more engaging.

Making the time to read together is a must if you are on a mission to raise an active reader. Robert Needlman, M.D., author of Dr. Spock’s Baby Basics and member of the Primrose Schools Education Advisory Board, suggests that one of the most important things about nurturing a reader is to read with a child from a very early age. “There’s no prescription for this, the only prescription is to allow some time each day that you can sit down, connect with your child, and read together. The main thing is to allow it to occur in a way that’s joyful, that conveys enjoyment to the child – from enjoyment the rest will follow.”

Selecting the right books is a key factor in helping make the time you and

44 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

[ EDUCATION ] your child spend reading a very special time. Books that really “work” have engaging, distinct illustrations and simple, rhythmic language. Children particularly enjoy books that are repetitive or ask them to participate and anticipate what comes next. Another important factor to remember when choosing books for your child is to select ones that you like yourself, because you’ll probably read them in a more animated, connected manner. Children love to hear the same book read over and over again which is another good reason to make sure the books you choose are ones you won’t easily get tired of. You will naturally foster an appreciation of literature when your child sees that you also take pleasure from a book.

Try these tips to help your family create a fun and engaging literacy-rich environment that will help build an early foundation for a successful reader: • Surround children with age-appropriate books on a variety of subjects.

• Read stories to children daily from infancy and encourage them to participate in the story.

• Always keep favorite books in the car for “waiting” periods and long trips.

• Ask your child’s teacher for a list of books that relate to what is happening at school; buy or borrow these books from the library and read them together at home.

• Older children, preschool and above, who have been read to will proudly “read” their favorite familiar books aloud. They will usually retell the story as they turn the pages and point to the illustrations. Sometimes children will make up entirely different stories to go with the pictures. This is a significant stage in literacy development because children are demonstrating that they know books are meant to communicate stories. They are “getting” it.

Children come into the world on a mission to learn how language works, and parents talk and sing with them to support their understanding and their ability to communicate. Reading books with them is another powerful language support tool that enables children to put together an idea of how stories and written language work. Cognitive development needs a surrounding supportive relationship to flourish, so go grab a book and begin reading to your child today!

SEPTEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 45

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Back to School Tips

by Rona Renner, RN “What starts well, ends well.”

Are our children and families ready for the new school year?

September is a time of transition for everyone in the family. Going from summer fun to a more structured and serious school environment will cause most children and parents to feel a bit out of sorts. Still, children starting preschool, Kindergarten, elementary, middle, high school or any grade, can greet the new school year with open eyes, ears, arms, and minds.

At school children will find books, computers, and other educational tools.

But in order to take advantage of these, it is necessary that they bring healthy bodies and alert minds. While they may learn from their teachers and classmates at school, at home parents are the most important teachers and learning mates for their children.

There are things you can do to help your children develop or get back into a school time routine: 1. Make sure your children get enough sleep. Set a bedtime routine to help them unwind. When a child is sleep deprived they may have difficult time learning.

2. Get up a little earlier in the morning so you don’t have to rush. Whenever possible feed your children a healthy breakfast. When children skip breakfast or just have something sweet, they can find it hard to concentrate at school.

Rona Renner is the author of the new book for parents called, “Is That Me Yelling?” She has been a Registered Nurse for 47 years, a Parent Educator for over 25 years, and was trained as a temperament counselor in 1991 at Kaiser Permanente in Richmond California. She was the founder of Interactive Parenting Media, a non-profit organization that produced radio shows and web sites in English and Spanish.

Nurse Rona was the host of the weekly talk show, Childhood Matters, for ten years, and a spokesperson for parents and children. She has appeared on numerous TV and Radio shows, and did a weekly podcast with Dr. Christine Carter called Happiness Matters, that you can find on her web site along with all of the Childhood Matters shows at www.nurserona.com. She has four grown children and two grandsons. She is available for individual temperament consultations, parent coaching, trainings, and presentations.

You can find out more about her at www.nurserona.com

3. Have dinner together as much as possible. As you eat together check in with a simple game of “good thing, bad thing,” where each family member goes around and says something about their day. Bedtime is another time to take a few minutes to check in and see how things went at school.

4. Some parents find that having children get their backpacks all ready for the next day before going to bed helps to avoid a morning rush. It’s always disappointing for children to get to school and realize they forgot their homework or lunch money.

5. Talk to your child about their after school schedule. When’s the best time for them to do homework? For some children, playing after school is important since they’ve been sitting in class all day and they really need a time to run around. Other children like to get their homework done and out of the way, so they have the rest of the night to relax and play on the computer or hang out with family or friends. When possible, set a homework time so everyone knows what to expect. This will decrease your yelling and nagging. If your child is spending too long on homework, check in with the teacher to see if all of the children are having difficulty, or if your child needs extra help.

Don’t hesitate to call the teacher if your son or daughter seems unhappy or stressed. For some children, adjusting to a new grade, new students, and new expectations takes time and support.

Parents, take good care of your selves. Notice when you’re getting stressed, practice staying calm, and find time to connect with you kids while you all adjust to the end of summer and the start of a new school year.

46 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2014

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