SEPTEMBER 2016
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PEOPLE PLEASER?
14 TIPS for Fighting Fair With Your Partner
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Volume 3 / Issue 32
Hurrying Is the Enemy
[ PARENTING ] Getting Back to Work When the Kids Get Back to School (make it seamless)
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]
34
14 Tips for Fighting Fair With Your Partner
[ EDUCATION ]
8
10
Private Schools & Open Houses
Staying Calm When Your Children Aren’t: How to Avoid Overreacting
12
Power Struggles: Being Right or Being Loved
[ EVENTS ]
36
14 Taking Off the Ticking Clock
16
September Calendar
20
[ CHILDREN’S HEALTH ]
[ WOMEN & CAREER ]
38
Are You a People Pleaser?
Mama, You Are Good Enough
24
22
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Ask a UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospital Expert
Park Guide The Trouble with Transitions: When Switching Gears Causes Conflict
31
28
28 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
20
12
SPORTS MEDICINE CENTER FOR YOUNG ATHLETES Free 2016 Lectures & Hands-On Workshops
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RSVP:
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Attend in person or watch live online. Baseball
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Swimming: Stretches & Exercises
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Tuesday, March 22, 7-8 p.m. Walnut Creek Campus
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Concussion
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Tuesday, August 23, 7-8 p.m. Walnut Creek Campus
Tuesday, December 13, 7-8 p.m. Walnut Creek Campus
Attend in person or watch live online at bitly.com/sportslectures2016 Oakland 510-428-3558
San Francisco 415-353-2808
San Ramon 925-979-3450
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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor
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Jaida Sinclair Alexis Faria
Jamee Tenzer Susan Newman The Growing Room Dr. Gail Gross Rachel Macy Stafford Ashley Gartland Christine Carter Margaret Paul Thomas Clennell Betsy Brown Braun
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Editor’s Note The back-to-school chaos is over and hopefully you are all settling into a routine. Of course it takes a while to acclimate to the busy school schedule again! Wake up early! Make lunches! Homework! Tutor! Soccer Practice! How do we do it?! I don’t know about you, but I could have used a few more weeks of summer vacay! That said, we are looking forward to Fall and all that it brings. With plenty of things to do, be sure to check out the September calendar on page 20. If you have little ones in tow and want to hit the park for an after school playdate, be sure to turn to page 31 for some fun options around the Bay! As usual we have plenty of great articles which offer amazing help and advice, so grab a cup of tea, sit back and take a few minutes to enjoy. You deserve it! Best, Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com
6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
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[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] Dr. Gail Gross, Ph.D., Ed.D., M.Ed., is a nationally recognized family and child development expert, author, and educator. Her positive and integrative approach to difficult issues helps families navigate today’s complex problems. A dependable authority, Dr. Gross has contributed to broadcast, print and online media including CNN, FOX’s The O’Reilly Factor, MSNBC, The New York Times and USA Today. ABC, CBS and KHOU, Great Day Houston Show. She is a veteran radio talk show host as well as the host of the nationally syndicated PBS program, “Let’s Talk.” Dr. Gross’ soon-to-be second book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, teaches parents how to enhance a child’s learning potential through various developmental stages. Two additional books are slated to follow, including The Only Way Out Is Through, a Jungian approach to navigating life’s transitions including grieving, and Defining Moments, which recounts the defining moments of celebrity guests as shared with Dr. Gross during interviews on PBS’ “Let’s Talk.” www.drgailgross.com
14 Tips for Fighting Fair With Your Partner by Dr. Gail Gross There’s an old saying: a woman marries a man thinking that she will change him – and she doesn’t; a man marries a woman thinking she’ll never change – and she does. Life is about change, and all relationships are in motion. There are many trees in our forest. There is the happy tree and the sad tree; the good tree and the bad tree; the generous tree and the greedy tree; the compassionate tree and the rejecting tree. This is what it is to be human, and, as Freud said—the human dilemma. When we fight, we typically enter the ring with our child tree. We are angry and we have a loss of control. However, in healthy fighting, we must say to the child tree, “You have no capacity to help me here, so you stay behind and I will step forward with my adult tree, the part of me that can navigate conflict.” Healthy fighting begins with empathy. After all, this is your beloved with whom you are fighting. The empathic process is a positive way to disagree, problemsolve, and find compromise. The rules of engagement for the empathic process include: 1. To fight as an adult, we recognize that no one is perfect. We move our attitude from all or nothing to realistically accepting the foibles and failures of others without trying to convert them. This requires both planning and empathic communication. Yes, I’m actually telling you to plan your fight. 2. Find a neutral spot. It is important to find a neutral location for this exchange. Do not choose anyone’s office space or power place; no one’s bedroom or sexually charged
8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] environment. Rather, choose to have your discussion in the kitchen — the heart of the house, a place where alchemy happens.
Discuss with your partner a good time for both of you to engage in the empathic process. You might set up a weekly encounter, which helps to keep the lines of communication open.
Divide your speaking time by thirds, each speaking one-third of the time without defense and with intimate listening, which requires touch — holding hands for example. Then, the last third of the time is used for mutual dialogue, a conversation in which problems are solved or compromise is considered. The important message is to never defend accusations from one’s partner.
8. Never personally attack your mate. You can criticize the problem, but never your partner. Express your feelings as your feelings, not your thoughts. Don’t play the blame game. Own your own feelings and express them in a responsible way. For example, instead of saying, “I think,” say “I feel.”
3. Simply and genuinely listen. Be there. Be present in the moment with interest. Really listening means to open your heart and shut-off any inner dialogue that attempts to answer what your partner is saying. Use descriptive language to explain your feelings and never interrupt.
9. Don’t read your partner’s mind. Don’t tell your mate how he or she feels. Listen, and let your mate tell you what is on his or her mind. Never project your feelings onto your partner. That only leads to fights centered on your projected material, and time lost fighting battles that do not exist.
4. Open your heart and be flexible. Remember that we are a species in evolution and our lives are ever in motion. People change. Situations change. It is important to be able to go with the flow. Though we all fear the unfamiliar, by being flexible, we can be available to the change and growth of our partners and ourselves.
10. Honor the process. Don’t try to make anything happen, but rather see where your dialogue takes you and trust that because you love each other, you are capable of going there.
5. Be honest. Don’t perform for approval. Say what you really feel, not what you think your partner wants to hear. Value yourself and validate yourself. If you do, your partner will value you as well. Mutuality is essential in relationship. So, listen to your inner voice and be who you are. That is the only way to be loved. Trust is based on experience. Honesty really is the best policy. Don’t keep secrets that are important to the relationship from your mate. If you do, they will ultimately turn around and bite you. It is better for your partner to hear the truth of any situation from you. Once trust is broken, it is very difficult to rebuild. 6. When fighting using the empathic process, it is important to fight fairly. Never use any information about your mate in a negative way. If your partner reveals something tender, hold it sacred. If in the heat of battle you attack your mate with a shared confidence, you will not be given that confidence easily again. 7. Never fight on an empty stomach, or when tired or distracted.
11. Keep your dialogue balanced. Don’t use this fight to bring in earlier problems and disagreements. Fight fairly by not using ammunition from older hurts and injuries. 12. Stay open to your natural self. Don’t play a role and behave in a way that is uncomfortable for you. If you’re sorry, say you’re sorry. Be at ease with your feelings. We all make mistakes, but the greatest mistake is to put on a performance for a reaction. If you feel vulnerable, show your vulnerability. Love is a safe place, and you are loved because of who you are. 13. Never save stamps in a relationship. Don’t keep score. Don’t keep a running account of hurts and injuries. Keep in mind that the other person is your beloved, and therefore, don’t hold grudges. 14. Finally, if the relationship is out-of-control, immediately seek professional counseling. Many relationships have been lost that could have been saved from the inability to ask for help. Pride has no place in intimacy. We all make mistakes and have misunderstandings. And if the relationship cannot be saved, you are always free to leave. SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9
[ PARENTING ]
Getting Back to Work When the Kids Get Back to School (make it seamless) by Jamee Tenzer The children are back in school and thanks to you – it was a seamless process. Jamee Tenzer is an Executive Coach, Trainer and Mentor. For the past 15 years she has been privileged to coach breadwinner moms and executives and to work internationally as a coach mentor and trainer. She has worked with leaders in many industries including; entertainment, non-profit and technology. In addition to serving as a Supervisor, Mentor and Trainer for the International Coach Academy from 2006 to 2015, she is also a trained mediator and the co-creator of three ICF Accredited courses for coaches; Deeper Conversations Coaching, Mentor Coach Certification and Real Coaching Sessions Unplugged. Jamee is a member of the International Coach Federation, Producers Guild of America and Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. She holds a CPC from the International Coach Academy, a PCC from the International Coach Federation and a BCC from the Center for Credentialing and Education. She is a committed im-perfectionist - her husband and three children can attest to this!
You handled back to school shopping for your 10 year old who grew three sizes over the summer. You helped your 13 year old navigate the first few days of middle school drama – without any drama, AND you’re getting your 16 year old to go to sleep by midnight. Hey, it was 2am during the summer – high five! And you are making progress too. You’ve made lunches for 3 weeks in a row and you have not yet thrown the sliced turkey out the kitchen window. Give it time. You’ve been to 1 PTA meeting, 2 back-to-school nights, met 14 teachers and said no when asked to lead the spring school fundraiser – well done. Homework is happening, piano is practicing, you’ve scheduled a few play dates and (no surprise) you are already hearing about potential Halloween costumes. Kudos! The kids have had a seamless transition from summer to school – thanks to you. Now what about your seamless transition? Whether you work inside or outside of the home – fall is a time to regroup and focus on your priorities. Summer comes and goes every year like a balmy tornado – stirring our schedules and our souls. We stay up late, play with our kids and eat too much. Our to-do list may or may not be shorter, but our personal projects and work priorities will probably take a back seat so that we can be more available for our children during the summer months. This is true if we have our own business, are SAHM’s or work for a large or small
10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ PARENTING ] company. No matter what our situation is, during the
your precious mental energy it will use. Jabba the
summer, there is a tendency to put certain priorities
Hutt projects just sit there, getting fatter and fatter,
on the back burner. And now it’s time to move those
demanding your attention. Let’s make this easy. Block
priorities to the front of the stove and get cooking!
out one hour (make sure it’s in your calendar) and commit to taking one action. When you get to the end
Seamless Transitions: 1. Let’s start with you. Yes, it is this important. Nothing is seamless when you are falling apart. Where have you let your self-care go? It may have gone to camp with the kids, but it’s time to get it back on track now. What is one small self-care change you can make in your schedule today? You may have an elliptical machine in your future or perhaps it’s a much needed neck massage? Could be that the self-care you need is to say no? Now you’re speaking my language!
of that hour – schedule another hour and identify one more action. Pretty soon Jabba the Hutt will simply slither away. 3. So what’s new? Do you want to start a business, optimize the one you have, look for a new job or take up the banjo? The time is now. What stops us is the fact that we don’t know all the steps that are needed to get from here to there. But here’s the secret; you can’t know them until you start taking them. So, what is one step you can take this week to learn more about the next steps?
2. Get rid of Jabba the Hutt. You know that project that is staring back at you from
Remember that you will probably choose to put some
your desk, kitchen counter, bedroom floor or closet?
items on the back burner when the holiday season rolls
It may need organizing, compiling, sorting, stuffing
around. Now is the time to make some progress – so
or tossing, but the longer it sits there – the more of
none of your projects and priorities get over-cooked.
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SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11
PUB: Activ Magazine Issue: May Client: Ast Property: Size: 1/2P (7.75” x 4. Colors: Fu DUE: 4/14
[ EDUCATION ]
Private Schools
& Open Houses
THE QUARRY LANE SCHOOL A Private Preschool, K-12 College Preparatory School www.quarrylane.org DUBLIN: Junior Kindergarten through Grade 12 6363 Tassajara Rd., Dublin, CA 94568 Please call the Admissions Offices at 925-829-8000 to schedule a personal tour of the Dublin Campus. PLEASANTON EAST CAMPUS: infant, toddler, preschool, pre-kindergarten and the KIDZONE (before and afterschool programs for public school students.) 3750 Boulder Street, Pleasanton, CA 94566 Open House every Wednesday morning from 8:30am to 12:00pm. Please call the Admissions Office at 925-846-9400 to schedule a personal tour of the Pleasanton East Campus. PLEASANTON WEST CAMPUS: Preschool and pre-kindergarten programs. 4444B Black Avenue, Pleasanton, CA 94566 Open House every Wednesday morning from 8:30am to 12:00pm. Please call the Admissions Office at 925-462-6300 to schedule a personal tour of the Pleasanton West Campus.
STRATFORD SCHOOL Preschool to grade 8 www.stratfordschools.com
VALLEY CHRISTIAN SCHOOLS
Stratford School invites you to join them for an open house event at most of their Northern California campuses. Meet their leadership, teachers, and staff, and explore Stratford’s curriculum. Children are welcome to attend! Book a tour online today at any of the many locations
Preschool Office Hours 7am-6pm / (925) 560-6235 Elementary School Office Hours 7am-4pm / (925) 560-6270 Middle & High School Office Hours 7am-4pm / (925) 560-6250
Bay Area Locations: Danville, Fremont, Los Gatos, Milpitas, Morgan Hill, Palo Alto, Pleasanton, San Bruno, San Francisco, San Jose, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale
2500 Inspiration Drive | Dublin CA 94568-2838 valleychristianschools.org
With educational rigor, community engagement, and a sincere pursuit of faith, wisdom, and service, Valley Christian believes that every student can and will flourish. They are open to the public, 9-11 a.m. weekdays. They offer classroom tours and classroom observations (adults only, please). Private tours are also available. February 15th – application deadline – completed applications with all supplemental materials are due by this day. April 1st – Admission decisions sent to all applicants.
SAINT MICHAEL SCHOOL 345 Church Street | Livermore, CA 94550 (925) 447-1888 | www.smsliv.org Saint Michael School is proud to provide a quality Catholic education for students in Transitional Kindergarten through Eighth Grade. As a ministry of St. Michael’s Parish, they offer an educational tradition that is rich in faith, focused on academic rigor, and blessed with an active, involved parent community. Contact Saint Michael School to arrange a school visit.
12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ EDUCATION ] ST. ISIDORE CATHOLIC SCHOOL 435 La Gonda Way | Danville, CA 94526 (925) 837-2977 | www.stisidore.org Grades K-8 St. Isidore’s is the East Bay’s largest Catholic elementary school—dedicated to an educational experience that cultivates knowledge, leadership, and service in the Catholic tradition. Parents are invited to join community events throughout the year and Mass on the first Friday of every month at 8:10 a.m. Please contact the school office to arrange a campus tour.
ST. RAYMOND SCHOOL 11557 Shannon Avenue | Dublin, CA 94568 (925) 828-4064 | www.straymondschool.org Kindergarten – Grade 8
VALLEY MONTESORRI SCHOOL 1273 North Livermore Avenue | Livermore, CA 94551 (925) 455-8021 | valleymontessorischool.com 18 Months – 8th Grade Valley Montesorri School is guided by the principles and techniques of Maria Montessori to deliver a rich, engaging learning environment. VMS is accredited by the American Montessori Society and adheres to authentic practices recommended by this organization. VMS teachers guide children to self-discovery by embracing curiosity, creativity, and individual choice through meaningful work, so that they can realize their own unique journey. ADMISSION EVENTS: • Open House: Wednesday, November 2, 2016 from 9:30am – 11:30am • The Montessori Journey: Saturday, November 5, 2016 from 8:30am – 1:30pm • Open House: Wednesday, January 18, 2017 from 9:30am – 11:30am • Toddler – 5th Grade Curriculum Night: January 25, 2017 at 6pm • Middle School Curriculum Night: February 1, 2017 at 6pm Open Enrollment begins February 24, 2017 and continues throughout the school year as space permits.
St. Raymond School partners with parents and recognizes them as the primary educators of their children. The school provides support services and comprehensive co-curricular activities as part of the foundation of our educational program. Students strive to persevere through challenges, to solve problems, and to seek deeper knowledge. St. Raymond School empowers all students to achieve academic excellence in a Catholic environment that encourages them to meet the challenges of life and to serve the gospel of Jesus Christ. Contact the school office to confirm a school tour time.
SAN RAMON VALLEY CHRISTIAN ACADEMY 220 W. El Pintado Road | Danville, CA 94526 (925) 838-9622 | www.srvca.org Preschool – Grade 8 At San Ramon Valley Christian Academy, their mission is to provide a Christ-centered K-8 education in which students develop spiritually, socially and physically, grounded in the truth of God’s word. When your students enroll at San Ramon Valley Christian Academy (SRVCA), the partnership begins. SRVCA strives to build a partnership between parents, church, and school. Personal tours are offered during school hours so that you can see a typical day on campus in the grades you are interested in.
PRIMROSE SCHOOL OF PLEASANTON 7110 Koll Center Pkwy | Pleasanton, CA 94566 (925) 600-7746 | www.primroseschools.com Infant, Toddler, Early Preschool, Preschool, & Pre-Kindergarten Primrose Schools is a national system of accredited private preschools that provides a premier early education and child care experience for children and families. Franchise Owners, Leadership Teams and School Staff partner with parents to help build the right foundation for future learning and in life. Call or go online to schedule a tour. *Livermore and San Jose locations coming soon!
SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13
[ PARENTING ]
Staying Calm When Your Children Aren’t: How to Avoid Overreacting by Susan Newman, Ph.D. Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist, blogs for Psychology Today Magazine and is the author of The Case for the Only Child: Your Essential Guide (HCI), Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily(Lyons Press), The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It--and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever(McGraw-Hill), Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only(Broadway/Doubleday), and Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day (Iron Gate Press), others. See: www.susannewmanphd.com Follow me on Twitter and Sign Up for my free Monthly Family Life Alert Newsletter.
For decades, ever since a TV-Land mom walked in on her children pillow fighting amid a cloud of flying feathers, “Calgon, take me away!” has been an iconic lament of hyper-stressed, overworked, and put-upon people everywhere. It is no coincidence Madison Avenue chose the image of an overwrought parent to depict a blood pressure-soaring scenario, and to emphasize the importance of finding an appropriate way to maintain sanity when one arises. They knew that every parent and child caregiver would instantly relate. Breaking point moments happen in every home: • Did you leave the room for a couple minutes returning to find a crayon mural on the wall? Your sweet cherub asks, “Like my drawing, mom?” • Did you remind your child to share only to have him throw the toy truck with such force that his little friend begins crying hysterically as his dad arrives to pick him up? • Did your four-year-old find your wallet and flushes the bills down the toilet? These are just a few of the inevitable flashpoints parents may face on any given day. Since in the real world we can’t magically float away in a gigantic soap bubble, like the lucky Calgon mom, we all lose it occasionally, especially when we’re tired or pressed for time. Tales of parents and caretakers losing
14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ PARENTING ] their patience and taking it out on the children in their
house for exercise, a superb way to relieve stress. Make it
charge are too many.
a habit to take the children for a walk, to the YMCA or a playground where they can wear themselves out a bit.
A National Study of Parents, Children and Discipline
Many gyms provide childcare while parents work out.
in Britain reports that only one in 10 parents believes that physical punishment is “always” acceptable, yet
3. Meet friends during the day with the children, be they
70 percent admitted to hitting or other minor physical
in strollers or walking. Conversation with peers offers a
punishment at some point during their children’s childhoods. Smacking a child, for example, may stop a behavior at the moment, but is harmful long-term and can destroy the relationship as well as tell a child that it’s fine to hit someone smaller than he is. Often it is not the child’s actions, but rather the parent’s feeling out of control that creates the response.
change of scene and, for most, a brighter perspective. 4. Take short breaks from care giving responsibilities whenever possible. Grab some downtime of your own during children’s naps or independent play. If you can safely do so, step away from the children to chill out. Brief respites act as safety valves and restore energy so you are less likely to blow if things go wrong.
Years ago my son threw beets at our beige curtains an
5. Set up “on-call” support for times you’re reaching
hour or so before company was due. Although extremely
your breaking point. When you feel your blood pressure
displeased, I spoke to him sternly, then laughed. Like the
rising there’s still time to avert a crisis. Talking to a friend
parent whose child flushed her money down the toilet,
or family member who understands your children lets
more than two decades later, we make a joke about the
off steam and gives you a different perspective and
fact that my son still won’t eat beets. He could have just
the chance to gather your wits. This can be especially
told me. While not humorous at the moment, upsetting
important if your child is particularly difficult or has a
incidents call for a sense of humor–can be your best
special need or disability.
friend–not a parental outburst. 6. Arrange for relief–a spouse, relative, neighbor, or Fortunately, there are steps parents can take to minimize
baby sitter–at “the witching hour,” the hours when
or avoid the likelihood of over-reacting, remain in
children are most challenging. Pre-dinner, for example,
control when at the tipping point, and do damage control following those occasions when the situation and children’s shenanigans get the best of us. It is important to step back before lashing out, regain perspective and make sure your reaction “fits the crime.” Bear in mind that anything that hurts or scares a child is going too far. How to Avoid a Parental Meltdown 1. Take a few deep breaths, step back, and count to 10. Use the time to consider if it’s actually the child you
is frequently a bottleneck. It’s one of the times you’re most likely to lose your temper because you’re trying to keep children amused and fix dinner. By then you’re probably exhausted and the children are hungry and cranky. If feasible, tag-team when your partner walks in by handing over responsibility for the kids. 7. Focus on what your child has done right if the situation allows, rather than on the judgment error he or she has made.
are angry with and not someone else, perhaps even yourself. And for those who believe spanking or hitting
If you lose your temper and go overboard in a
is legitimate discipline, remember that experts broadly
reprimand, own up. Apologizing to your children is
agree one must never strike a child in anger.
a great way to role-model taking responsibility for a mistake. Your children will respect you for it and are likely
2. At some point during the day, get away from the
to say, “It’s okay, Mom.” SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15
[ PARENTING ]
Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.
Taking Off the Ticking Clock by Rachel Macy Stafford
It was while watching my daughter eat a sno-cone on a summer trip to the beach that I experienced a life-changing epiphany. Truth be told, it was our second trip to The Sno-Cone Shack in three days. (Believe me, these were not your average sno-cones.) On this particular visit, Avery got a scoop of wedding cake and a scoop of cherry. I don’t think I will ever forget how delicious that unlikely combination of flavors tasted when my daughter gave me the very last bite. Because I didn’t hurry her.
Because I said, “Take your time, baby. We don’t have to rush.” 16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ PARENTING ] Because that big ol’ ticking clock that I wore around my neck during my impatient Hurry Up Years had been left behind. Without the squeeze of that ticking clock around my throat, I could breathe; my child could breathe. I was all there with my daughter on that unforgettable day. I ended up writing about the sno-cone experience and provided a painful glimpse of what life was like when I pushed and prodded that same little girl through her day. I had no idea millions of people would eventually read those painful truths—but even if I had known, I still would’ve written it—for the people walking around with the heavy clocks around their necks. I had the chance to edit the story before The Huffington Post published it. I remember looking at the live preview thinking I should probably add something like: “While it is important to have unhurried moments in life, it is equally important to instill a sense of responsibility and promptness in our children.” After all, I was a teacher for ten years. I know full well the importance of promptness and dependability. But I didn’t change one word of that story. Not one. I knew I would take some heat, but I was okay with that. I was writing to The Clock Wearers of the World—the ones functioning at one speed and one speed only … the ones “hurry upping” their loved ones through life even when it wasn’t necessary … the ones who’d lost sight of what really mattered by living in constant state of urgency. I knew breathing was becoming labored for those wearing the ticking clocks heavy on their chests. I knew because that is how I lived for so long. In the days following my story’s publication on The Huffington Post, something quite amazing happened. The story was read and “liked” on Facebook 1.6 million times. Suddenly, I found my inbox filled with messages from The Clock Wearers of the World. They wrote me to tell me how reading my story helped them see something they couldn’t see before. And on the very day they read the post, they saw the value and the necessity in slowing down as it pertained to their own life. But here’s the best part—they told me they took off their debilitating clocks for their stop-and-smell-theroses child … for their laid-back spouse … for their elderly parent who moved at a snail’s pace … for their very own Noticer deep down inside that was continually trampled
in their frantic wake. And they vowed to keep taking off the clock more and more. Those messages filled me with such hope. But then there were the other messages I received. They were from Clock Wearers too, but their stories were heartbreaking. With nodding heads and tear-stained shirts, they whole-heartedly agreed with my notion of slowing down. But they had learned the hard way—their second chance was nonexistent. The ones they loved so dearly were gone. I promised the people that wrote those messages that somehow, someway, I would use their stories of regret to help others. And honestly, I couldn’t forget their stories if I tried. In fact, I find myself referring to one of those painful messages every single day. I find they give me the fuel I need to spend at least some portion of each day grasping what really matters in life. I may be a Reformed Rusher whose got several years of Hands Free living under her belt, but I will never be “cured.” The pressure to hurry through life and check another task off the list is great, as it is constant. As long as I am living in a world where shiny screens with endless streams of information are merely a click away … As long as our family has places we need to go and obligations we need to fulfill … As long as there are bills to pay and deadlines to meet … As long as there are daily responsibilities that cannot be left undone, I will always be striving to free myself from the suffocating clock around my neck. And there is one particular story that helps me do it every single time. Joann has given me permission to share it with you. Joann wrote: Twenty-four years ago, I was a mother of two beautiful daughters, Jordan (7) and Jillian (6), and pregnant with my son Kellen, when I suddenly found myself single because their father wanted me to choose between him and the baby I was carrying. After my son was born, and for the years that followed, I was always “busy” with work, school activities, etc. On top of that, I was a SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17
[ PARENTING ] tad obsessive compulsive about cleaning which always seemed to be my main priority—making sure the house was clean, the kids were clean, etc. I was always rushing and/or yelling at my kids. Fast-forward nine years to March 23, 1997. I was up early, rushing around as usual, cleaning and doing laundry, getting ready to go to the mall, when my daughter Jillian came out of her bedroom and said, “Mom, you should go look at Jordan sleeping, she looks like an angel.” Of course, I was too busy to do that. I told Jill to wake up her sister to see if she wanted to go to the mall with us. She didn’t want to, instead, she wanted me to drop her off at her friends house. I remember how irritated I was because dropping her off was going to take me out of my way, and I had a schedule I wanted to stick to. I rushed the girls to get dressed, rushed them to the car and grumbled at Jordan the entire way over to her friends. When we arrived, I handed her a twenty-dollar bill and told her I loved her. She said, “Love you too, Mom.” Those were the last words we ever said to each other. Later that day she and one of her friends were killed when the car in which they were back seat passengers crashed into a tree at a high rate of speed. I’m am so very sad to say that it took the death of my child for me to realize what was truly important in life. While I am not the most religious person in the world, I truly believe that people come into your life for a reason. When Jordan was little she once told her uncle she came down to earth on a star—that God had sent her to me. When her uncle asked her why God had sent her, she said, “Because she needs me.” Looking back at those words, I now believe that she was sent to me, even for that short sixteen years, to teach me how you live life is important. It’s been many months since I read Joann’s story, but I find myself drawing strength and patience from it every day. Gratefully, I find myself taking off the ticking clock. I take off the clock to sit on floor of my daughter’s bedroom as she holds up every single shirt she owns, 18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
contemplating which one to wear to school the next day. I take off the clock to say yes when she asks me to come listen to the chords she learned on her guitar–despite the excruciating long pauses between each note. I take off the clock to stand aside while she makes her own sandwich—even though it will take three times as long and make twice the mess. I take off the clock when she shows me how she can do her own hair for school—a style that takes no less than seven minutes and resembles a bird’s nest in the back when complete. I am not going to lie—these offerings of my time, presence, and patience often require deep breaths from me, a Reformed Rusher. But with every triumph over my former rushing ways, I heal a little more. I once worried about the scars of a hurried life on my child, but now I know the scars of a hurried life may be deepest on me. Yet, there is something incredibly healing about letting go of the need to control everything— including time and schedule—and feel at peace knowing I am exactly where I need to be. It is healing to feel the carpet imprints on my legs as I sit and watching her small fingers navigate the strings of the guitar. It is healing to watch her confidence soar when she walks out of the bathroom having styled her own hair. It is healing to hear her sigh contently as I gently rub her back when she can’t sleep. It is healing because in those moments, time as I know it falls away. In those moments of surrender, there is nowhere else I truly need to be. There is no ticking clock weighing heavy on my soul. I know every minute of life cannot be lived like this. I know. There are situations when we need to pick up the pace. There are appointments, tardy bells, deadlines, and
[ PARENTING ] common courtesies.
Because when I find myself thinking there isn’t time to
There is balance needed to live intentionally, but also responsibly.
wait as worn out shoes shuffle across an intersection, to look into the eyes of sadness and offer a smile, or kiss the lips of the ones who saved me from my distractions,
I know.
I might as well strap that ticking clock back around my
But in my life right now, there is something more pressing at hand.
neck and struggle for my next breath.
But I refuse to live my life by the sound of a ticking of a There must be time to wave the elderly gentleman across the parking lot. There must be time to ask the cashier how her day is going. There must be time to kiss the man I love before we go our separate ways. There must be time to watch my children sleep. There must be time to marvel at everyday miracles that cross our path.
Dr. Ozzie Jafarnia
DDS, Board Certified
Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry
Dr. Noyan Aynechi DDS, Board Certified
Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry
clock.
Because I’ve been educated by some very precious souls. And they’ve informed me that the sound of my own steady breath and the heartbeats of the people I love are the most precious sounds to live by.
Such sacred sounds of life can only be heard when we choose to take pause – even as the rest of the world goes whizzing by.
Nothing is more beautiful than your child’s smile!
Welcome to Danville Pediatric Dentistry and Orthodontics! ! Our office is committed to providing excellent preventative care for children in a warm, positive, and compassionate environment. We specialize in comprehensive dental care for children of all ages with an emphasis on prevention and health. As your child grows, we are able to provide comprehensive orthodontic care for children and teens. This is to help create and maintain a healthy smile into adulthood. We will do so by providing excellent treatment at the right time for the right reason with integrity, honesty and a caring heart.
Your child’s smile is our top priority. We are committed to making it the happiest, healthiest and straightest smile possible. After all, nothing is more beautiful than your child's smile! 4145 Blackhawk Plaza Circle, Ste. 203, Danville
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925-837-7745 • drozzie.com
Specialist in Orthodontics
SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19
[ EVENTS ]
September Alameda County SEPTEMBER 1, 2 & 3 Explore New Worlds Lawrence Hall of Science Berkeley 10:00am – 5:00pm www.lawrencehallofscience.org
SEPTEMBER 3 - 4 151st Scottish Highland Gathering & Games Alameda County Fairgrounds Pleasanton 8:00am – 7:00pm www.thescottishgames.com
SEPTEMBER 3 - 5 Rail Fair at Ardenwood Ardenwood Historic Farm Fremont 10:00am – 4:00pm www.fremont.gov/2054/Ardenwood-Historic-Farm-Events
SEPTEMBER 3, 10, 17 & 24 Sizzling Saturday Downtown Pleasanton Pleasanton 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net
SEPTEMBER 4 Free First Sunday Oakland Museum of California Oakland 10:00am – 6:00pm www.museumca.org
SEPTEMBER 5 Labor Day
SEPTEMBER 7 First Wednesday Street Party Downtown Pleasanton Pleasanton 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.pleasantondowntown.net
SEPTEMBER 9
SEPTEMBER 23 - 25
Movies in the Park-“Inside Out” Leydecker Park Alameda 6:30pm www.alamedaca.gov
Eat Real Jack London Square Oakland Times Vary www.eatrealfest.com
SEPTEMBER 10
Animal Encounter Show Oakland Zoo Oakland Times Vary www.oaklandzoo.org
Young Naturalists UC Botanical Garden Berkeley 10:00am – 11:00am www.events.berkeley.edu
SEPTEMBER 27
Teddy Bear Tea with Friend’s Oakland Zoo Oakland 9:30am – 12:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org
Read to a Dog Fremont Main Library Fremont 6:30pm – 7:30pm www.aclibrary.org
SEPTEMBER 16 – 18
SEPTEMBER 28
Pleasanton Harvest Festival Alameda Country Fairgrounds Pleasanton 10:00am – 6:00pm www.harvestfestival.com
Tilden Little Farmers Tilden Nature Area Berkeley 3:00pm – 5:00pm www.ebparks.org
SEPTEMBER 17
SEPTEMBER 30
Music in the Park Grove Park Playground Berkeley 12:00pm – 4:00pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us
Movies in the Park Willard Park Berkeley 7:30pm – 10:00pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us
Zoovie Night Oakland Zoo Oakland 6:30pm – 9:30pm www.oaklandzoo.org
Contra Costa County
5th Annual Splatter Festival Emerald Glen Park Dublin 12:00pm – 8:00pm www.dublin.ca.gov
SEPTEMBER 18 Family Fun Hour Coyote Hills Regional Park Fremont 2:00pm – 3:00pm www.ebparks.org
20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
SEPTEMBER 25
SEPTEMBER 1 Party in the Plaza Broadway Plaza Walnut Creek 6:00am – 9:00pm www.broadwayplaza.com/Events Downtown Concert Series Downtown Pleasant Hill Shopping Center Pleasant Hill 6:30pm – 8:30pm www.shopdowntownpleasanthill.com
[ EVENTS ]
September SEPTEMBER 2 Preschool Performance Series- Zappo the Magician Village Theatre Art Gallery Danville 10:00am – 11:00am www.danville.ca.gov/calendar
SEPTEMBER 5 Labor Day
SEPTEMBER 5 Antiques & Art Faire Railroad Avenue Danville 9:00am – 3:00pm www.danville.ca.gov/calendar/
SEPTEMBER 7 Walnut Creek First Wednesdays Cypress Street Walnut Creek 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com
SEPTEMBER 10 & 11 Grandparents Weekend Playland-Not-at-the-Beach El Cerrito 10:00am – 5:00pm www.playland-not-at-the-beach.org
SEPTEMBER 15 A Night With Elvis Danville Senior Center Danville 7:00pm – 8:30pm www.danville.ca.gov/calendar
SEPTEMBER 16 Art Night Out Public Road Lafayette 5:00pm – 9:00pm www.cityoflafayette.com
SEPTEMBER 17 Heart of Oakley Festival Main Street Oakley 11:00am www.heartofoakleyfestival.com
Public Art Walking Tour Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 11:00am – 12:00pm www.publicartwalnutcreek.org Walnut Festival Twilight Parade Downtown Walnut Creek Walnut Creek 6:00pm www.thewalnutfestival.org/twilight-parade-sept-17.html
SEPTEMBER 17 & 18 Lafayette Art, Wine & Music Festival Downtown Lafayette Lafayette 10:00am – 7:00pm www.lafayettefestival.com All Aboard the Diablo Valley Lines Larkey Park Walnut Creek 11:00am – 6:00pm www.wcmrs.org
SEPTEMBER 18 Danville d’Elegance Historic Downtown Danville 11:00am – 4:00pm www.danville.ca.gov/calendar
SEPTEMBER 26 Mini Monday: Creepy Crawly Critters Lindsay Wildlife Experience Walnut Creek 10:00am – 12:00pm www.lindsaywildlife.org
Out of Area SEPTEMBER 3 - 4 Millbrae Art and Wine Festival Broadway Millbrae 10:00am – 5:00pm www.miramarevents.com
SEPTEMBER 17 & 18 Santa Clara Art & Wine Festival Central Park Santa Clara Times Vary www.santaclaraca.gov/visitors/ art-wine-festival
SEPTEMBER 18 Kellogg’s Tour of Gymnastics Champions SAP Center San Jose San Jose 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.sapcenter.com
SEPTEMBER 22 – 25 Walnut Festival Heather Farm Park Walnut Creek Times Vary www.thewalnutfestival.org
SEPTEMBER 24 Moraga Pear & Wine Festival Moraga Commons Park Moraga www.moraga.ca.us
Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!
SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21
[ PARENTING ]
Mama, You Are Good Enough by Ashley Gartland I’ve been noticing a pattern when I talk with moms about exploring their interests beyond motherhood. Most often, they share that it would be nice to have something they could call their own. Something that allows them to find fulfillment outside of motherhood. Something that might bring in a little income and help them create the lifestyle they desire for their family. Something that lets them see outside the day-to-day and make a difference in their communities — and beyond. Ashley Gartland is a life coach and mentor who helps busy moms create balanced lives that allow them to give to their families, give to their work and give to themselves. Through her one-on-one work with clients and her coaching program, Bold Mom, Balanced Life, Ashley supports and inspires moms to prioritize themselves and pursue their dreams so they can be great moms AND empowered women doing their work in the world. You can learn more about Ashley’s coaching services and get FREE access to her online class More Than a Mom: 3 Steps to Find Your Purpose Beyond Motherhood at www. ashleymgartland.com.
Then about one beat later, I know there’s a “but” coming. It usually sounds something like this: I would really like to turn my passion into something real BUT... I’m not smart enough. I’m not strong enough. I’m not important enough. I’m not creative enough. I’m not attractive enough. I’m not young enough. I’m not focused enough. I’m not driven enough. I’m not passionate enough. I’m not brave enough. I’m not experienced enough. I’m not dedicated enough.
22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ PARENTING ] traits, characteristics, accomplishments — you name
I’m not good enough.
it. If you’re proud of it or it’s something you love about All this talk about not being enough is a real problem. Because when you focus on everything you aren’t, you can’t see all that you have to offer. You can’t see your value, your strengths and your talents. And it’s hard to explore ideas and create opportunities for yourself from that place. (It’s far easier to just hide.)
yourself, it goes on the list.
But really, who is anyone else to say you aren’t brave enough or bold enough or good enough to have a purpose beyond motherhood? Who is anyone to say you aren’t strong enough to do your work in the world? And, most importantly, do you really want to steal your own dreams by buying into beliefs that you’re not enough to go after your other calling?
self-doubt and lower your self-worth. And if you want
I didn’t think so — and that’s why I’m inviting you to wipe the slate clean today. Here’s how we’re going to start: sometime today, I want you to stop thinking about everything you’re not and instead sit down and write down 25 things you love about yourself. (Yes, 25 — and I know that feels like a stretch.) These things can be personality traits, skills, physical
y da 8 o 0 T er 0-58 t s gi 82 Re 259
I want you to do this today because right now you’re so focused on the ways you don’t measure up. You’re criticizing your so-called flaws instead of celebrating your strengths. You’re buying into thoughts that fuel your to pursue your purpose beyond motherhood, you have to shift your thinking to help you celebrate you and see what everyone else sees in you. Because you have so much worth, as a mom and as a woman. You are enough. And there are people waiting for you to realize that. There are people waiting for you to step up and shine. People waiting for you to tap into your talents and share them. If you’re ready to do that, go make your list. And if you try to make your list and feel like you don’t know where to start, remember you are good enough because you are you, and that in itself is enough.
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[ WOMEN & CAREER ]
Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).
Are You a People Pleaser? by Dr. Christine Carter
People ask me all the time what the secret to happiness is. “If you had to pick just one thing,” they wonder, “what would be the most important thing for leading a happy life?” Ten years ago, I would have told you a regular gratitude practice was the most important thing, and while that is still my favorite instant happiness booster, my answer has changed. I believe the most important thing for happiness is living truthfully. Here’s the specific advice I recently gave my kids:
“Live with total integrity. Be transparent, honest, and authentic. Do not ever waiver from this; white lies and false smiles quickly snowball into a life lived out of alignment. It is better to be yourself and risk having people not like you than to suffer the stress and tension that comes from pretending to be someone you’re not, or professing to like something that you don’t. I promise you: Pretending will rob you of joy.”
I’ve spent the better part of my life as a people-pleaser, trying to meet other people’s expectations, trying to keep everyone happy and liking me. But when we are trying to please others, we are usually out of sync with our own wants and needs. It’s not that it’s bad to be thinking of others — that’s a key to happiness, 24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
[ WOMEN & CAREER ]
too — it’s that pleasing others is not the same as helping
self-control that drains your brain of its power to focus and
others.
do deep work. That’s because performing or pretending to be or feel something you’re not requires tremendous
People pleasing, in my extensive personal experience, is
willpower.
a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting
Tons of research suggests that our ability to repeatedly
accordingly. It’s an often subtle and usually unconscious
exert our self-control is actually quite limited. Like a muscle
attempt at manipulating other people’s perceptions of
that tires and can no longer perform at its peak strength
us. Anytime we pretend to be or feel something that we
after a workout, our self-control is diminished by previous
aren’t, we’re out of integrity with ourselves.
efforts at control, even if those efforts take place in a totally different realm.
And anytime we’re doing something that is more about influencing what others think of us than it is about
So that little fib at the water cooler you told in order to
authentically expressing ourselves — even something as
make yourself seem happier than you actually are is going
simple as a Facebook post that makes it seem like we are to make it hard for you to focus later in the afternoon. A performance or any attempt to hide who you really are having a better day than we actually are — we end up out of integrity with ourselves.
or pretend to be something you aren’t is going to make it harder later to control your attention, your thoughts,
Being out of integrity has pretty serious consequences
and to regulate your emotions. It’ll increase the odds that
for our happiness, and for our relationships. Here’s what
you react more aggressively to a provocation, eat more
happens when we aren’t being authentic:
tempting snacks, engage in riskier behaviors, and—this
#1: We don’t actually fool anyone.
poorly on tasks that require executive function, like
one is pretty compelling to me— you’ll perform more
Say you are at work, and you’re doing your best to put on a happy face even though your home life is feeling shaky. You may not want to reveal to your work friends that you and your significant other had a major fight over the weekend, but if you pretend that you are okay–and you’re not–you’ll probably make the people around you feel worse, too. Why? We humans aren’t actually very good at hiding how we are feeling. We exhibit microexpressions that the people we are with unconsciously register. Our microexpresssions
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trigger mirror neurons in the brains of people around us—
when we are talking with someone—like when we don’t want to trouble someone else with our own distress— actually increases both our own stress levels and those of the people we are with — more than if we had shared
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our distress in the first place. (It also reduces rapport and inhibits the connection between two people.) #2: We find it harder to focus. Pretending takes a huge conscious effort—it’s an act of SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25
[ WOMEN & CAREER ] managing your time, planning, or organizing.
Research shows that people who are given instructions for how to lie less in their day-to-day lives are actually
#3: You’ll become more stressed and anxious.
able to lie less, and when they do, their physical health
Let’s just call it like it is: Pretending to be or feel something
improves. For example, they report less trouble sleeping,
that you don’t–even if it is a small thing, and even if it is
less tension, fewer headaches, and fewer sore throats.
relatively meaningless, and even if it is meant to protect
These improvements in health are likely caused by the
someone else–is a lie. And lying, even if we do it a lot, or are good at it, is very stressful to our brains and our body. The polygraph test depends on this: “Lie Detectors” don’t actually detect lies, but rather they detect the subconscious stress and fear that lying causes. These tests sense changes in our skin electricity, pulse rate, and breathing. They also detect when someone’s vocal pitch has changed in a nearly imperceptible way, a consequence of tension in the body that tightens vocal chords.
relative absence of a stress response. And that’s not all: When the people in the above study lied less, they also reported improvements in their relationships and less anxiety. We don’t lie or pretend or perform all the time, of course. But when we do, it’s important to see the consequences: increased stress, decreased willpower, impaired relationships. Although we might actually be trying to feel better by putting on a happy face for
The physiological changes that lie detectors sense are
others, pretending always backfires in the end. Living
caused by glucocorticoids, hormones that are released
inauthentically makes life hard, eliminating any possibility
during a stress response. And as you well know, stress
that we will find our flow, or that we will be able to
hormones are bad news for your health and happiness
operate from our sweet spot, that place where we have
over the long run.
both ease and power.
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[ PARENTING ]
The Growing Room Academy’s collaborative partnership with Village Music School allows our students and San Ramon Valley families to participate in an exciting array of expanded music education classes. This alliance allows Village Music School to extend their successful studio music program from the Diablo Valley to the San Ramon Valley. Village Music School classes are held within the walls of Growing Room Academy and will be housed in two rooms solely dedicated as music studios. Classes are offered weekday afternoons and evenings, plus Saturdays.
The Trouble with Transitions:
When Switching Gears Causes Conflict by The Growing Room Is your child grumpy or argumentative, resistant or unresponsive, tearful or fearful? What about full-blown meltdowns? It could be that all of these unwelcome emotions are the unintended result of the same circumstance — transitions. A transition refers to change. Transitioning, or moving, to new places, people and activities is something we do many times during the day; however, change can be overwhelming and seem unpredictable for your child, especially when he is not ready to make that move to the next place or activity. Being asked to switch gears is a common trigger for many kids. Difficulty with transitions can manifest in a number of ways: avoidance, anxiety, distraction, defiance, frustration or negotiation. Many of these reactions are the results of kids being overwhelmed by their emotions. For others, reactions have been
28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ PARENTING ] learned to successfully delay or avoid the transition. While transitions are difficult and triggers for many kids, they are particularly difficult for kids who experience anxiety, emotional, or developmental issues. Why Transitions are Difficult Transitions can be difficult for children — and adults. The main reason is that we are often transitioning from something we enjoy to something we need to do. While young and old experience transitions, it is the adults who determine when and where transitions occur. The inability to control their own routines is what causes angst for kids during transitions. This can be especially problematic for children who are sensitive or experience anxiety. Sensory/Environmental Processing Challenges Often a child will struggle with transitions because he is sensory-sensitive. A sensory-sensitive child will react negatively to a change in noise level, light, smell or temperature, making transitions especially difficult. Children with sensory issues are prone to outbursts that they cannot control when they are overwhelmed by quick unexpected changes. When events are changed too quickly, parents will see resistance and problem behaviors. These emotional meltdowns can impact family routines and try parents’ patience. Anxiety When children suffer from anxiety, transitions come to signify fear. It could be fear of the unknown or concerns about the event on the other side of the transition. In this case, the problem is likely some stimuli connected to the transition, not the process of transitioning. If the transition leads to a particular setting where the child has experienced upset, the process of transition will be a trigger. Children who have perfectionistic tendencies can also experience anxiety. Interruptions before a task is satisfactorily completed can cause great upset. HOW TO HELP While children who are sensitive, anxious, or experience developmental challenges are likely to find transitions difficult, all parents have felt the frustration when trying to get the kids out the door, in the car, in the tub, at the dinner table or in bed. The good news is that parents can help ease the tension during transitions and help their children navigate in ways that teach valuable life skills (not to mention the peace and ease it will mean in
daily life for parents!) Understanding the triggers that make kids balk, resist, whine or negotiate during transitions is the first step to managing them. Paying attention to the following tips will lead to better relationships and a peaceful family environment. Establish and Maintain Routine Schedules Children love and need routine. The daily rhythm of routines helps ease the transition process. Routines give kids an idea about what they can expect to happen each day from sunrise to sunset. The same basic sequence each day will help them to expect, and more importantly, anticipate a change of activity. This helps them maintain a sense of organization and order. Identify the Transitions During Your Child’s Day Children experience several distinct and routine transitions during the day. Pay close attention to those times and the transition process. Transitions involving getting dressed, leaving preferred activities for less desirable tasks, and leaving one location for another all deserve special consideration in terms of approach. Kids will feel comfortable and cooperative moving from one activity to another when a few safeguards are in place. We are all creatures of habit and crave order. Children are no different and applying these “cues” will supply the order they crave to help them feel calm and in control of their circumstances. Here are some tips that will help move your kids towards smoother transitions. Transitions take time: Avoid changing activities quickly. Picture yourself blissfully engaged in the activity of your choice, only to be unceremoniously whisked away for no apparent good reason. You can imagine the emotions that would bubble up. They may include frustration, anger, or exasperation. Children feel these same kinds of emotions yet do not have the coping skills to address them in acceptable ways. And, what’s worse is that this can be the daily emotional rhythm for our children. What good-intentioned parent hasn’t uttered the words “Hurry!” while trying to navigate work, school, team activities, music lessons and the market? As adults, we feel rushed and stressed by the daily grind of our schedules. Imagine how that feels to a child who literally has no concept of time? All they know is that they are being pulled away from that blissful place of play for something way less appealing! To effectively employ the SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29
[ PARENTING ] following tips, time must be on your side. Pay attention to the transitions that are difficult and build an extra ten minutes or more into each of them. Avoid changing activities quickly.
to stop by the market and pick up ice cream for later
Talk about it: Before, During and After (Verbal Clues) Now that you have identified the problematic transitions and provided extra time to accommodate it, provide verbal clues. Verbal cues are an absolute necessity when encouraging your child to transition from one activity to the next. Children benefit from information; this is effective whether your child is 5 or 15. Getting in the habit of offering information to a child makes them feel included and respected. Information kindly shared will help prevent power struggles around transitions through always letting them know what is “next”. For parents of younger children this can feel like a continual monologue of your every movement. “After the table is cleared, I am going to start your bath because it’s getting close to bedtime”.
with us to pick up your sister?” And, finally, including
In addition, always use concrete verbal clues that a child can understand. Children don’t understand abstract time frames. “Three more times down the slide” is more effective than “We can stay for 5 more minutes”. After the initial cue is given, cue support during the transition is valuable, “I see you have been down the slide twice, let me watch while you go down one last time!” followed up with positive feedback, “I appreciate how quickly you came to the car and were ready to head home for dinner. It will be fun to come again and spend more time on the slide”.
tonight”. Sometimes including a special toy (often times the one being played with) during the transition will encourage cooperation, “Would Grey Kitty like to come children in the transition process can produce great results. Children are more cooperative when they can be part of the process. Asking a child to alert others in a fun way, using creative ways to encourage clean up, or singing “clean up” songs all provide added fun, interaction, and incentive for the child. Let children protest. The untold story about transitions is children sometimes need to protest. As trying as it is for parents, they need express how disappointed they feel. Of course, these protests come at the most inconvenient times, but listening will provide parents insight as to the best way to support their children. Listening also conveys respect and warmth and provides the connection with parents that will pay great emotional dividends in the future.
Adventures in Learning Early Childhood Center
And, pay attention to tone of voice. Transitions should not be a time for reminding, coercing, or negotiating. Transitions need to be expressed with warmth and precision, yet not barked out from another room. Cues that are based in kind language and tone (versus orders) will have greater positive impact. The idea is that your child gravitates towards you, not away! Highlighting the upside of transitions: get creative! Pointing out the positive side to a transition can certainly ease the way. This can be done by focusing the child’s attention away from the change and onto something that brings excitement. Making transitions fun is a great tool for little ones, “Who can hop all the way to the car without falling?” Discussing upcoming activities that the kids can look forward to after the transition is a great approach “If we leave right now, we will have time 30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
Serving students 2 - 6 years Full and part time programs 3200 Hopyard Road | Pleasanton web. www.ailpleasanton.com tel. 925.462.7123
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Park Guide Alameda
Bray Commons 3300 Finnian Way Features walkways/trails, picnic tables, basketball courts and play equipment
ALAMEDA Franklin Park 1432 San Antonio Ave Nice playground with swings, sandbox and good structures for kids young and old Lincoln Park 1450 High St Amenities include a multi use sports field, picnic grounds, swim center, open spaces, and play equipment
BERKELEY Adventure Playground 162 University Ave Climbing, zip line, hammer, saw or paint! Berkeley Aquatic Park 80 Bolivar Dr Leafy waterfront park offering boating, a habitat for birds, trails, and a playground Glendale-La Loma Park 1310 La Loma Ave A city park with playgrounds, ball fields, open space & a picnic area, set on a hillside with views
Devany Square 4405 Chancery Lane Features child play area, walkways/trails and picnic tables
Ohlone Park 1701 Hearst Ave Friendly neighborhood Park with two climbing structures, a path and rubberized surfacing for safe play Tilden Regional Park 2501 Grizzly Peak Blvd Lake, farm, Merry-Go-Round and hiking
Dolan Park 11651 Padre Way Features fitness equipment, basketball courts, picnic tables and play equipment Emerald Glen Park 4201 Central Pkwy Features a sand area, jungle gym, and a large open grass area
Willard Park 2730 Hillegass Ave Features a playground for tots, cobblestones paths and a turf area
Kolb Park 8020 Bristol Rd Features fitness equipment, play equipment, tennis courts, softball diamonds and walkways/trails
DUBLIN
LIVERMORE
Alamo Creek Park 7601 Shady Creek Road Features basketball courts, picnic tables, play equipment and large open spaces to run and play
Bruno Canziani Park 5799 Charlotte Ave Features two play areas, one for bigger kids, plenty of grass to run around on and basketball courts
SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Park Guide Lester J. Knott Park 655 N. Mines Rd. Large grass area and great for toddlers
Mission Hills Park Junipero Street & Independence Street Great for children of all ages, BIG Slide, and good walking/bike riding paths
Muirwood Community Park 4701 Muirwood Dr. Lots of shade and great for toddlers and picnics
Contra Costa County
PIEDMONT
ALAMO
Piedmont Park 711 Highland Ave Fountain, nice play structure for kids and Japanese Tea House
PLEASANTON Amador Valley Park 4301Black Ave Features two play structures, slides, and large grassy field to run, play or fly kites
Hap Magee Ranch Park 1025 La Gonda Way Lots of shade, child play area and dog friendly Oak Hill Park 3005 Stone Valley Rd. Great for toddlers and duck feeding in the pond but no shade
Val Vista Community Park 6701 Payne Dr. Great for big kids, rock climbing and outdoor roller hockey rink
Sycamore Grove Park 1051 Wetmore Rd Stroller and kid-bike friendly trails and nature walks Beach Playfield Linda Ave between Grand Ave & Lake Ave Tennis courts, soccer fields, little tots play structure and sand area
DANVILLE
Livorna Park Livorna Rd at Miranda Ave. Great sand area but no shade, basketball and volley ball areas
BRENTWOOD Blue Goose Park 1765 Adams Lane Bathrooms, picnic area, rock wall but has very little shade Brentwood City Park 790 2nd St Splash pad, two jungle gyms, picnic tables and plenty of shade
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Osage Station Park 816 Brookside Dr. Open space to run, clean bathrooms, and climbing structures Sycamore Valley Park 2101 Holbrook Dr. Climbing structures, slides and small sand box
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
LAFAYETTE
Park Guide ORINDA
Lafayette Reservoir 3849 Mount Diablo Blvd Rolling grass hills, lots of shade and lake area
Orinda Community Center Park 26 Orinda Way Tennis courts, kid-friendly, sandbox, jungle gym and swings
Lafayette Community Park 480 St. Marys Rd Features lots of shade, toddler play area, big kid area and rock climbing
PLEASANT HILL
MARTINEZ
Pleasant Hill Park 147 Gregory Lane Open grass area, paved path for scooters or skating along with a toddler area
Holiday Highlands Park 660 Fig Tree Ln Features separate play structures for older and younger children, BBQ pits, grassy fields and places to ride bikes
SAN RAMON
Ranking Park 100 Buckley St. Swimming pool, clean, great for kids
Central Park 12501 Alcosta Blvd Large open grass area and large play structures
MORAGA Moraga Commons Park 1149 Moraga Rd. 9-hold disc golf course, bocce ball, horseshoe pits, basketball, volleyball, Skate Park and playground Rancho Laguna Park 2101 Camino Pablo New play structure and swing set with fully fenced in kids play area
Boon Acres 9716 Davona Dr. Great for picnics, lots of shade and dog friendly
Fire Truck Park 2070 Arlington Way Quiet, fire truck play structure but no bathrooms Piccadilly Square Park 2503 Piccadilly Cir. Play structures, basketball courts, little shade available
WALNUT CREEK Arbolado Park Arbolado Dr & Doncaster Dr Great park with basketball and tennis courts and play equipment Castle Rock Regional Recreation 1700 Castle Rock Rd. Good hiking trails, wildlife, and good for children Civic Park 1301 Civic Dr. Great for toddlers and rock climbing Heather Farm Park 301 N San Carlos Dr. Large open area, small climbing wall and swimming pool close by Larkey Park Buena Vista & First Ave Great for kids, large open area, picnics and BBQ pits
SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33
[ PARENTING ]
Betsy Brown Braun, best selling author of Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents (HarperCollins) and You’re Not The Boss Of Me: Brat proofing Your Four To Twelve Year Old (HarperCollins), is a child development and behavior specialist, parent educator, multiple birth parenting consultant, and founder of Parenting Pathways®, Inc. Her parenting expertise has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, U.S. News & World Report, Real Simple, American Baby, Cookie, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, In Style, Parenting, Parents, Pregnancy and Newborn, Twins, Woman’s Day, and, Working Mother, Colorado Parent Magazine, Ohio Valley Parent Magazine among other publications. She has shared her expertise on the Today Show multiple times. Other television appearances have included Dr. Phil, Rachael Ray, The Early Show, Good Morning America, Entertainment Tonight, Fox & Friends, Hallmark’s Home and Family, KCBS, KNBC, and Fox News LA. She contributes to KNX news radio on child development, and has been a guest on countless radio programs nationwide, including NPR. www.betsybrownbraun.com
Hurrying Is The Enemy by Betsy Brown Braun The outing to Starbucks with our two year old grandtoddler was perfect. Not a glitch. No screaming, no crying, no collapsing into a heap, no refusal to walk, no running into the street, no running away. And not one single tantrum. The joys of being a grandparent. Admittedly, the walk which usually takes 15 minutes each way, took two hours. But it came off without a hitch. Why? I am no special grandparent. I have no tricks up my sleeve. (Ok. Well, maybe a few.) But what I do know is that when it comes to toddlers, hurrying is the enemy. You say, “C’mon, let’s go! We have to go! Hurry up! We’re going to be late.” Your toddler hears you say, “You are not in control.” And then magically, little spikes grow out of the bottoms of her feet. The moment you hurry her up is the very moment she slows down. Her agenda gets longer and longer—I have to finish playing with my Legos. I have to fit this teenie tiny shirt on that giant teddy bear. I have to put on my socks all by myself. On this walk to
34 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ PARENTING ] Starbucks there were dandelions to be picked, rocks to
warnings fall on deaf ears. Action is necessary.
be thrown, worms to be touched, fallen apples to kick. And there was no agenda.
Give your young child 2 choices. (Both choices must lead to your desired outcome). It will help her to feel in
It is not only toddlers who dig in their heels when they are
control. Do you want to walk to the bath or should I carry
ordered to hurry up! The same is true with big kids and
you? No hurrying…just do it.
even with some adults. Everyone has her own agenda and her own need to control the show. I don’t know of
Eliminate “OK?” Do not end your warnings or directives
many people who like being told what to do. Parents’
with the word,“Ok?” If it isn’t a choice, don’t make it
requests and demands challenge the child’s exploding
appear to be one. It is the urgings, over and over and
need for control over her own life. Your kids have their
over, that lead to needing to hurry.
own agendas. Imploring a child to hurry screams that she is not the boss,that you are. And you know how that
Share the reins. Let your older child take the reins—make
is going to play out!
her own plan—and experience the consequences of her actions. No hurrying necessary, as she learns what
A big part of growing up, toddler through teen, is
happens if she doesn’t follow through and her plan fails.
cultivating autonomy. The child needs to establish herself as an individual. So she struts her stuff, demonstrates her
Cultivate your own patience. Not only do children run at
own taste, her choice, her power, her separateness from
a different speed than adults, but they often travel the
you. Every child needs to feel large and in charge. When
most circuitous routes. If you are patient, if you plan for
the child is told to Hurry up! she is reduced to feeling
and allow for the time, she will not absorb your tension
small; her autonomy is undermined. What a mess that
and feel the need to dig in her heels.
makes.
WALNUT CREEK CHAMBER OF COMMERCE & VISITORS BUREAU AND WALNUT CREEK DOWNTOWN PRESENT
Life with children, especially with toddlers, would so much easier if you had no agenda. Two hours to walk to Starbucks? No Problem. I have nothing else to do.
W
LN
UT CRE E K
But that life just doesn’t exist, except for, maybe, when
A
Granny visits. Set your child up for success by eliminating not only the command, Hurry Up! but by reducing your need to
2016
hurry. Allow more time than you think you need. If you imagine that the walk to the car will take 5 minutes, allow 10.
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8/20/16 11:52 AM
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]
DR. MARGARET PAUL is a bestselling author, popular Huffington Post writer and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® selfhealing process, and the related SelfQuest® self-healing software program - recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include “Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You” (and subsequent titles “Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By God,” and “...By My Kids”), “Healing Your Aloneness” and “Inner Bonding.” Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology, is a relationship expert, public speaker, consultant and artist. She has successfully worked with thousands and taught classes and seminars for over 47 years.
Power Struggles:
Being Right or Being Loving by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. Mandy and Evan consulted with me for couple’s counseling because they were always bickering. Every little thing seemed to become an issue between them. They loved each other very much, but the bickering was certainly getting in the way of enjoying each other. I ask Mandy and Evan to come up with some recent conflicts so I could experience what was happening between them. They had conflicts over time, money, child rearing, family and chores. The dynamic between them was the same no matter what the issue: One of them would complain about something — like the house being messy or the other person not being on time, and the other would argue, explain and defend. Then they would go back and forth, each one defending and explaining their position. Neither
36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] one listened to the other or even seemed to care about
get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just
the other’s feelings or position. They would each get
about listening to the other — it is also about listening to
locked into their positions, seeing themselves as right and trying to convince the other person to see it their way. They had what I call a “control-resist system.”
yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you are caring about both yourself and the other person, then you will not
In this system, one person approaches the other
end up losing yourself in the conflict. The intent to learn
with an intention to win, to be right — to control. The
is about being in compassion for both yourself and
other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose. One is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as their intentions were to control
your partner. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a way for both of you to win.
and not be controlled, they were stuck. They had no way of reaching resolution on any of their issues. While Mandy and Evan loved each other, caring was not a part of this system. As soon as an issue came up, they
Next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, “Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn?” Even if your partner continues to try to control when you move into
stopped caring about themselves and each other. They
compassionate learning, you will discover new inner
were so intent on winning or not losing that caring went
power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying
out the window.
than winning or losing. You will be able to move beyond
“At any given moment,” I said to them, “you are either in the intent to control or the intent to learn. The problem
the bickering as you learn to listen while standing solidly in your truth.
is that both of you immediately choose the intent to control, which will always result in bickering. Mandy, I’d like you to try right now to listen to Evan’s concerns about the messiness of the house. See if you can find a place of caring about his feelings. See if you can really listen and see it through his eyes. Then I will have him do the same for you.” As Mandy really listened to Evan with caring and a desire to learn, she began to understand his frustration. For the first time, Evan felt really heard regarding this issue. Then Evan really listened to Mandy, trying to see things through her experience. They found that as they each began to understand the other’s feelings and experience, new ideas came up to resolve the problem. Being in the intent to learn is not just about solving problems. Resolution may be the outcome or it may not, but the new learning will inevitably lead to positive change. Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 37
[ CHILDREN’S HEALTH ]
Ask a UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospital Expert by Thomas Clennell, PT, DPT, SCS One of the most overlooked and nagging injuries in sports is the dreaded sprained ankle. It happens in almost all sports from football, to basketball, to soccer, to baseball. It does not discriminate by age, gender or sport. Current research places the incidence of ankle injuries at approximately 1 million per year with 85% of that being ankle sprains. The most commonly heard phrase in regards to an ankle injury has been “walk it off,” but for young athletes that may not always be the best idea. For young athletes, it is always important to remember that they are still developing and their skeletal system has not fully matured. Typically, growth plates close by the age of 16 in girls and 18 in boys. This makes it difficult to diagnose an ankle sprain versus a growth plate fracture in younger athletes. They are sometimes treated the same way in younger athletes with the athlete being casted to protect the growth plate. So it’s a good idea to see a physician with any ankle injury in a young athlete. Once an ankle sprain is diagnosed, there are some other important things to know. The chance of re-injury after an ankle sprain can be as high as 80 percent. Re-injury can be greatly reduced by rehabilitating an ankle sprain with a physical therapist. The treatment seeks to restore range of motion and strength, as well as restore proprioception at the ankle. Proprioception is the body’s sense of position and the changes necessary to maintain that position. So what are some good things to work on with a therapist while in recovery? • R.I.C.E.: This stands for Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation. Giving an ankle a break after the injury will help with pain levels. Icing will help reduce swelling and will decrease pain. Compression also helps reduce swelling by limiting the available space, just be sure not to make the compression so tight that good circulation is lost. Elevating the foot above the level of the heart will also help reduce swelling. All of these actions help to reduce swelling and improve range of motion. • Range of Motion: Point the foot as far down as possible and then bring it back up “toes to nose.” Also move the foot side to side. Both should be done in a pain-free range as often as possible. • Proprioception training: As soon as possible, try balancing on one foot. When that becomes too easy, try balancing on one foot while brushing teeth. This helps reinforce the brain’s ability to perceive ankle position and make necessary corrections. Taking these actions will help a young athlete in his or her recovery from an ankle sprain and keep them a step ahead. 38 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016
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Preschool
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SEPTEMBER 2016 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 39 CA Licenses: 013411303, 013411304, 013411305, 013417681
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40 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2016