SEPTEMBER 2018
YOUR
BACK TO SCHOOL ANXIETY
12 STEP Program to Become a Recovering Perfectionist
WEEKEND GETAWAY
–The Ritz Carlton, Lake Tahoe
Volume 5 / Issue 56
[ PARENTING ]
[ TRAVEL ]
[ EVENTS AROUND THE BAY ]
Your 12 Step Program to Become a Recovering Perfectionist
WEEKEND GETAWAY –The Ritz Carlton, Lake Tahoe
September Calendar
6
10
Back to School Anxiety
Grand Wailea - The Ultimate Hawaiian Vacation
16 5 Phrases (And 1 Question) to Help Your Tween Daughter Through the Hard Stuff
14
20
24
6 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
20
14
WHEN STUDENTS EMBRACE A CHALLENGE
THE EXTRAORDINARY HAPPENS At Stratford, students accomplish extraordinary things. It all starts with an advanced yet balanced curriculum that propels students to excel both inside and outside the classroom — typically performing well-above grade level and matriculating to top high schools and beyond. Discover a school that inspires children to become creative problem-solvers, imaginative innovators, and confident leaders.
We deliver the extraordinary.
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Accrediting Commission for Schools
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*Grades offered vary by location. Preschool State License Numbers: 073402482, 013417816, 013420588, 434404890, 434408056, 434407977, 434404336, 434406722, 434408877, 384001837, 434410807, 434410816, 073406680, 013420939, 414004014, 434413440. Copyright © 2018 Stratford Schools, Inc.
ASSOCIAT I
OF
WE S
RN
ON
CAMPUSES THROUGHOUT THE BAY AREA
TE
Schedule a campus tour today! StratfordSchools.com/tours
AND CO
L
Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area
Publisher/Editor
Marketing Interns
Contributing Authors
Tracie Brown Vollgraf
Candace Warren Megan Shackley
Dr. Laura Markham Elizabeth Kang Dr. Laurie Hollman Katie Hurley, LCSW
Advertising Sales Director
Fashion Editor
Kathy Brillheart kbrillheart@activefamilymag.com
Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com
Travel Editor
Design/Production
Elizabeth Kang ekang@activefamilymag.com
Teresa Agnew Craft
Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566
Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com
Editor’s Note As we reluctantly transition to Fall, we are hanging on to every last drop of summer. Although we are in full-blown school year mode and the holidays will be here sooner than we’d like, we’re sharing two of our favorite travel locales, which are actually appropriate any time of the year. Tahoe and Maui are the quintessential go-to destinations for the Bay Area, a quick three-hour car ride or five-hour flight, both are easily accessible and offer the perfect family vacation setting. Turn to page 10 to learn more about the Ritz Carlton Lake Tahoe, a playground for families and grownups alike, The Ritz is a great place to visit during Summer, Spring, Winter or Fall. Flip to page 20 and you’ll find your next trip to Maui planned for you. The Grand Wailea Resort offers families a place to relax, unwind and enjoy one another’s company. Follow our suggestions and you’ll experience the most idyllic family vacation ever. If your child is still struggling with back to school anxiety, turn to page 16 where you’ll find our expert, Dr. Laurie Hollman’s advice on how to alleviate the stress which stems from the transition to school. As always, find our monthly calendar of events around the Bay, making it easier for you to find things to do with the family! The month of October is all about the Pumpkin Patch! Visit our festive favorite, Joan’s Farm in Livermore where you’ll find endless hours of fun! Happy Halloween! Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com
4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
What makes our Northern California coast unlike any place else on Earth? How do
ocean, land, and climate
merge to support living giants
like
blue whales and coast redwoods?
Now Open Discover the connections that only happen here. Plus, ascend through an ancient redwood interactive, feel a jolt in an earthquake simulator, roll through a fog room, and more at this new exhibit. Get tickets at calacademy.org
GENEROUSLY SUPPORTED BY
SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 5
[ PARENTING ]
Your 12 Step Program to Become a Recovering Perfectionist by Dr. Laura Markham "Perfection is the lowest standard any human can have." -- Heather Forbes Think your child needs a perfect parent? Think again. In fact, your quest to be perfect gets in the way of loving your child unconditionally, because it Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone. You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.
stops you from loving yourself unconditionally. How can you be emotionally generous with your child if you're harsh with yourself? So let's just renounce perfection. Aspiring to be perfect doesn't get you any closer to being perfect; it just makes you less loving. In fact, perfection is the lowest standard a parent can have. We aren't going for perfect. We're going for love! Here's how: 1. Drop that list of all the ways you need to be different before you're good enough in your own eyes. You know what I mean. That voice that says you should be a little more together, a little thinner, a little nicer...a much better mother or father. That's right; if you want to heal your ability to love unconditionally, you have to start by loving yourselfunconditionally. That means with no conditions, as in, you love yourself exactly as you are, "faults" and all. (This gets easier if you look
6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
[ PARENTING ] at your faults as an opportunity to grow, not by making
yourself, just Stop, Drop (the thought) and Breathe. That
yourself more perfect, but by loving yourself more!)
deep breath unplugs you from the tape loop in your thoughts. Now you have a choice. Put your hand on your
2. Choose love.
heart and breathe love into your heart. Use a mantra if
If you pay attention, you'll notice that life holds constant
it helps, like "I am more than enough, exactly as I am."
choices. Should you be harsh with your child because
Consciously choose to feel love. Research shows this
you're frightened that if you aren't, he won't learn?
process has physical, mental and emotional benefits,
Should you point out to your partner that you were right?
which increase the more often you do it. Watch your
Should you let yourself stop cleaning and instead have a
whole sense of well-being shift.
pillow fight with your child? 5. Change your internal chatter to support and reassure At core, every choice is between love and fear. Choose
yourself.
love as often as you can.
Anne Lamott says, "Take yourself through the day as you would your most beloved mental-patient relative,
Your life is the sum of your choices. You'll make bad
with great humor and lots of small treats." Why not
ones, sure. But those mistakes you've already made?
transform that inner critic, so you become your own fairy
They don't matter in the long run. Because you get new
godmother?
opportunities every single day to turn your love ratio around. No one can go back and change the past, but
Every time you notice self-criticism, remind yourself that
anyone can start today to make a new future.
your goal isn’t perfection. Your goal is loving yourself and others. Retrain your mind. When it starts catastrophizing,
3. Notice the fear.
change course:
If you recorded the chatter in your mind, you'd think you were supposed to be perfect: "That was dumb....What an
"Nobody bats 1000....You can handle this....Easy does it...
idiot I am....If only I were a better mother/father.....What
This too shall pass....Two steps forward, one step back still
have I done wrong that she's acting like this....Have I
gets me where I want to go.....I am more than enough....
damaged him for life?...I should have known better..."
My child is getting better parenting than I got, LOL; he will be ok....I don't have to know what to do, I just have to
Unfortunately, our minds run on old belief systems that
love him through it....I can trust my instincts....Love never
at some point in childhood we decided might keep us
fails."
safe. So our thoughts worry constantly and find fault with everything, so we'll keep striving to make things better!
6. Forgive Yourself.
Whenever we buy into those belief systems that we
Ok, you made a mistake. That's not because you
aren't good enough and are making a mess of things,
stopped striving for perfection, it's because you're
we reinforce our fear. Fear is the opposite of love. So we
human. We all make them, all the time. Really. Can you
need to notice this habit of fear running our thoughts,
still have a happy, responsible, fabulous life and be a
and...
good parent? YES! The key is to forgive yourself, so you can accept your imperfections graciously. That makes it
4. Shift into your heart.
easier to admit when you mess up, and to make amends.
The only way to stop the vicious cycle of negative
You can't be compassionate to your child when you're
thoughts is to shift out of those thoughts and into the
beating yourself up inside. Just commit to doing better,
heart. Your heart can't be negative. It functions at a
and take a step in the right direction.
higher level. Your heart is looking for connection and growth. It can only be compassionate.
7. Make Reparations. So you're mature enough to see that you made a
So next time you notice a negative thought about
mistake and you've created a problem. What a terrific SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7
[ PARENTING ] role model you are for your child! Focus on solving the
I can hear it better....Even though I get scared and tired
problem you've created, not on blame and guilt. As long
sometimes, I love my body's strength and energy....Even
as you can forgive yourself, you'll find a way to repair
though I'm tired at the end of the day, I'm so grateful I
those little rifts with your child, a way that strengthens
have my kids, my home, my health, a bed to sleep in,
your relationship. Your child will survive your mistakes. In
and a fresh start tomorrow."
fact, when you acknowledge that you messed up, and apologize, and work to repair the relationship, your child
10. Practice forgiveness.
learns some of the most important lessons in life.
We all judge ourselves harshly. A forgiveness practice can heal that tendency, help us to atone for times we've
8. Don't even try to be a perfect parent. Try to model
missed the mark, and increase our compassion for
graciousness while being humanly imperfect.
ourselves. Every religion and wisdom tradition has one.
Your child will never be perfect, because she's human. So
My personal favorite is the Hawaiian (Ho'oponopono)
having a perfect parent would be a terrible role model. If your child sees you as perfect, she'll feel worse about herself, since she knows she's not. And if your child sees you as imperfect but not willing to admit it, what are you modeling? We've established that it would be terrible for your child if you were perfect. (Liberating, huh?!) What your child DOES needs is a role model for how to graciously acknowledge when we miss the mark, apologize, and make amends. So give up on perfection. Forgive yourself for being human. Heck, APPLAUD yourself for being human and appreciate the amazing opportunity you've been given to live as a human and try to make the world a better place. That means you'll make mistakes. They aren't mistakes if you grow from them and repair any problems you create. They're opportunities to love more. Starting with yourself. 9. Practice self-appreciation, the antidote to shame and guilt.
prayer: "I'm sorry...Please forgive me... I love you... I thank you." Try repeating this prayer to yourself for self-forgiveness, even if you don't know what you're asking for forgiveness for. It is actually harder to forgive ourselves than anyone else, and we all need to practice. Try speaking it (in your mind) to anyone in your past or present who occurs to you, even if you aren't quite sure what you are asking forgiveness for. You don't even have to think about what's being forgiven. Just forgive it all! See it as repairing any damage. Speaking from experience, using this little mantra for a few minutes daily is very powerful. 11. Realize that there is nothing to forgive. Guess what? You aren't perfect. You never will be. You're human. But don't worry, the goal is not perfection. The goal is expanding your heart and creating more love in the world.
Appreciation and gratitude interrupt negative thoughts and give you access to more love. When you notice
If you fill yourself with love, it will automatically overflow
you're criticizing yourself, change gears and find
to everyone around you. Go ahead. Nurture yourself
something to appreciate about yourself. Nothing to
with infinite tenderness. Let your heart stretch past its
appreciate? You can shift that. Just start with "Even
boundaries. There is nothing you need to change, or do,
though..."
to deserve love.
"Even though I sometimes get annoyed at myself,
You're already more than enough, just the way you are.
I deeply love and accept myself.....Even though I sometimes lose my temper, more and more I am patient
12. Repeat daily...
with my child.....Even though I make mistakes, I am good
.... and notice that you're healing your ability to love
enough just the way I am....Even though I don't always
unconditionally.
know what to do, I keep listening to my inner wisdom so
Watch your life -- and your parenting -- transform.
8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
[ PARENTING ]
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Discover Maui From spacious suites to an incredible location, Aston Kaanapali Shores offers the perfect fit for anyone visiting Maui. Isn’t it time to vacation better? Book now and get a free room upgrade to the next available view category, breakfast for two and a free daily car rental with the Three for Free special offer. 855·945·4051 | kaanapalishores.com
SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9
[ TRAVEL ]
WEEKEND GETAWAY –The Ritz Carlton, Lake Tahoe
by Elizabeth Kang It’s so important to recharge and reset after a busy
FRIDAY
school and workweek, and weekend getaways are the
4:00 p.m. The Fun Begins! Check into the luxurious
perfect way to do just that. Getting away for even just
Ritz Carlton, Lake Tahoe and experience world-class
few days can make a huge difference in your mood and
hospitality and service. This five-star resort is extremely
mindset, especially if you choose your destination wisely.
kid-friendly, so you’ll get the best of both worlds —
Stunning Lake Tahoe is always a great choice, and you
upscale amenities with a welcoming, family friendly
don’t have to wait for snow to start falling to have a
atmosphere.
fun-filled, unforgettable weekend there. The Ritz Carlton, Lake Tahoe is a relaxing, luxurious mini-getaway, even
4:30 p.m. Admire your room. Head to your room at The
in the “off season.” Thanks to the Ritz’s heated, sparkling
Residences, which are perfectly situated for families,
pool, miles of scenic hiking trails and magnificent
with two, three or four bedrooms and bathrooms, a full-
new Lake Club, your Tahoe weekend getaway will be
sized gourmet chef’s kitchen, and plenty of space (from
everything you and your family could wish for.
1618 SQ FT) to relax. The Residences have breathtaking,
10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
[ TRAVEL ]
sweeping views of the forest, pool or gondola below, and private balconies to take it all in. The Residences are tastefully decorated and furnished, leaving guests with the feeling that they're staying in their own lavish, private condo. 5 p.m. Gourmet S’Mores! Children and adults alike won’t want to miss the gourmet S’mores hour by the oversized outdoor fire pit. The Ritz does S’mores like no other, with house-made, gourmet marshmallows and white glove service. The outside fire pit is toasty and comfortable, and the lush lawn and evergreen trees make for a beautiful backdrop. outdoor patio to enjoy more of the epic, lush scenery. 6 p.m. Dinner with a View. You may have had S’mores
Don’t miss the homemade Potato Leek Rolls, which come
before dinner, but make sure you save some room for a
with three heavenly spreads. For an entree, guests can
delicious meal at Manzanita — the Ritz Carlton’s rustic,
choose from seasonal, fresh seafood, meat and game,
yet upscale restaurant. Try to reserve a table on the
or go with the “Family Style” entrees, which feed two SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11
[ TRAVEL ]
or more. Manzanita offers an extensive and thoughtful cocktail and wine menu, as well as a kids’ menu. 8:00 p.m. Hot Tub Time. Enjoy some time in one of the two hot tub jacuzzi’s, or heated pool. There’s nothing like an evening in a hot tub, under the stars, with a glass of wine in hand. The pool at The Ritz Carlton, Lake Tahoe is particularly breathtaking, surrounded by forests and verdant meadows. There’s also a shallow toddler & baby pool for the littles, as well as plenty of comfy lounge chairs to relax on, and cabanas to rent. SATURDAY 9:00 a.m. But First, Coffee. Head down to the upper lobby to Cafe Blue for a quick gourmet coffee, fresh-pressed juice, yogurt parfait or fresh pastry to fuel your fun-filled day. 10:00 a.m. Lake Club! Catch a shuttle at the front entrance to the newly constructed and Lake Club. This exclusive club allows a limited number of guests a day, so be sure to make reservations in advance. A short shuttle drive takes you from the hotel to a gorgeous, modern allinclusive lakefront property. The club serves all-you-caneat bbq and salad bar lunch, with unlimited drinks and snacks. Families can use the provided kayaks and SUP boards to enjoy time on the crystal blue water, or simply 12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
[ TRAVEL ]
relax on lounge chairs and enjoy the breathtaking view of the lake. At The Lake Club your whole family is treated like royalty, and it is an unforgettable way to spend a day at the lake. (May - Sept) When the Lake Club closes for the Fall/Winter, there’s still plenty of golf, hiking, and other activities to enjoy at the resort, not to mention the skiing and snow activities available during the snow season. 5 p.m. More Playtime. Arrive back at your hotel for another S’mores hour, or perhaps some lawn games and more pool time. There’s also an arcade located at the hotel, which is a particular favorite with tweens and teens. 7 p.m. A casual dinner. If you're looking for less formal fare, check out the relaxing ambiance of The Living Room, and snag a cozy spot by the fireplace to enjoy light bites, cocktails, and kid-friendly options. There’s a full bar available, as well as gracious servers to deliver
cheese, a carving station and breakfast classics.
your order. 11 a.m. One Last Ride. After checkout, store your luggage SUNDAY
with the bellhop and take the gondola ride from the
9 a.m. An Epic Brunch. Before you head home, enjoy
resort down to Northstar Village, where you can find an
a memorable Sunday champagne brunch buffet at
outdoor roller/ice skating rink, apparel shops, restaurants,
Manzanita. They do brunch the proper way, with an
treats, and other fun activities. Let the kids expend some
unlimited champagne and Bloody Mary bar, and
energy before the ride home. The scenic gondola ride is
seasonal delicacies such as chilled seafood, charcuterie,
worth the excursion alone. SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13
[ EVENTS AROUND THE BAY ]
September Alameda County SEPTEMBER 1 Fireworks Night at the Coliseum Oakland Athletics Oakland 6:05pm www.mlb.com/athletics/tickets/ promotions/themes/fireworks Taste of Oakland - Free Labor Day Concert Jack London Square Oakland 12pm-6pm www.jacklondonsquare.com/ events/special-events
SEPTEMBER 2 Alameda Point Antique Faire Alameda 6am-3pm alamedapointantiquesfaire.com/ index.php
Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!
$5 First Friday: Changing Climates Edition Chabot Space and Science Center Oakland 6pm-10pm chabotspace.org/events/eventslisting/5-first-fridays
Grandparents Day at Chabot Chabot Space and Science Center Oakland 10am-5pm chabotspace.org/events/eventslisting
SEPTEMBER 7-16
Family Days at the Museum Museum on Main Pleasanton 11am-2pm www.museumonmain.org/ family-days.html
Wonderland Firehouse Arts Pleasanton 2pm & 7:30pm www.firehousearts.org/events/ wonderland
SEPTEMBER 8 Second Saturday Jack London Square Oakland 11am-5pm www.jacklondonsquare.com/ events/special-events
First Sundays OMCA Oakland 10am-6pm museumca.org/events/ month/2018-09
3rd Annual Battlestar Classic USS Hornet Alameda 11am-5pm www.uss-hornet.org/ calendar/3rd-battlestar
SEPTEMBER 6
SEPTEMBER 9
Dublin Farmers’ Market 2018 Concert Dublin 6pm-8pm dublin.ca.gov/1917/ Amphitheater-Performances
Open Cockpit Day Oakland Aviation Museum Oakland 12pm-4pm www.oaklandaviationmuseum. org/open_cockpit_days_28.html
SEPTEMBER 7
Summer Concert Series Niles Main Street Fremont 12pm-3pm www.niles.org/summer-concertseries
Starlight Movies in the Park: Coco Alameda Point Alameda 6:30pm-10pm alamedaca.gov/recreation/2018summer-starlight-movies-park
14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
Grandparents Day Oakland Zoo Oakland 10am-4pm www.oaklandzoo.org/programsand-events/grandparents-day
SEPTEMBER 15
Primate Discovery Day Oakland Zoo Oakland 10am-3pm www.oaklandzoo.org/programsand-events/discovering-primates
SEPTEMBER 16 Introductory Sails at the Cal Sailing Club Berkeley Marina Berkeley 1pm-4pm www.cal-sailing.org/activities/ csc-open-house
SEPTEMBER 20 Thirsty Thursday at the Farmers’ Market Downtown Livermore Livermore 5pm-8pm livermoredowntown.com/thirstythursdays-2018
SEPTEMBER 22 Fireworks Night at the Coliseum Oakland Athletics Oakland 6:05pm www.mlb.com/athletics/tickets/ promotions/themes/fireworks
[ EVENTS AROUND THE BAY ]
September SEPTEMBER 28
SEPTEMBER 5
Buffalo Road Show Oakland Zoo Oakland 7pm-9pm www.oaklandzoo.org/programsand-events/buffalo-road-show
Walnut Creek First Wednesdays Broadway Plaza Walnut Creek 5:30pm-8:30pm www.broadwayplaza.com/ Events/Details/475872
Labor Day Weekend BBQ Gilroy Gardens Gilroy 12pm & 1pm www.gilroygardens.org/tickets/ drink-and-dining-deals
SEPTEMBER 2
Danville Sunday Market Danville 11am-3pm www.danville.ca.gov/calendar
2018 Commons Block Party Fulton Street San Francisco 11am-3pm www.civiccentercommons.org/ attraction
Summer Chow Call - Food Trucks USS Hornet Alameda 11am-3pm www.uss-hornet.org/ calendar/2018-09
SEPTEMBER 9 & 16 & 23 & 30
SEPTEMBER 11
Neon Scorpion Hikes Lindsay Wildlife Walnut Creek 6:30pm-8:30pm lindsaywildlife.org/education/ calendar
Mommy & Me FREE Kids Club Santana Row San Jose 10am-12pm www.santanarow.com/events
Contra Costa County
SEPTEMBER 15, 16
SEPTEMBER 15
Mamma Mia! Lesher Arts Center Walnut Creek Times vary lesherartscenter.showare.com
2018 Train Shows Walnut Creek Model Railroad Society Walnut Creek 8pm-10pm www.wcmrs.org/sites/default/ files/schedule/2018DVL.pdf
Cardinal Kids Day 2018 Stanford football stadium Stanford 11am-4pm gostanford.com/ sports/2015/5/20/210099388. aspx
SEPTEMBER 2
Native American Day Bankhead Theater LIvermore 4pm-6pm lvpac.org/events/list
SEPTEMBER 30
SEPTEMBER 1 - 30
SEPTEMBER 9
SEPTEMBER 20
SEPTEMBER 16
Park. Give. Shop Broadway Plaza Walnut Creek 11am-6pm www.broadwayplaza.com/ Events/Details/499369
Young @ Art Art Gallery at the Village Theatre Downville 3:45pm-5pm www.danville.ca.gov/calendar
JAMband Family Festival The Park Chalet/Beach Chalet San Francisco 3pm-5pm www.jamjamjam.com/ jambandfamilyfestival.html
SEPTEMBER 3
A Tribute to Jimmy Buffet Show Lesher Arts Center Walnut Creek 7:30pm lesherartscenter.showare.com
Relics on Railroad - Antique and Art Faire Historic Downtown Danville Danville 11am-4pm www.danville.ca.gov/calendar
SEPTEMBER 29
SEPTEMBER 22 Lantern Festival: Play by the Light of the Moon Children’s Discovery Museum of San Jose San Jose 5:30pm-8:30pm www.cdm.org/event/ lantern-festival-play-lightmoon/?instance_id=7840
SEPTEMBER 22-30 Spooky Zoo Gilroy Gardens Gilroy 11am-6pm https://www.gilroygardens.org/ play/events/spooky-zoo
2018 Children’s Creativity Festival Yerba Buena Gardens San Francisco 10am-4pm yerbabuenagardens.com/event
Out of Area SEPTEMBER 1-3 Sausalito Art Festival Sausalito 2pm-6pm www.sausalitoartfestival. org/#intro
SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15
[ PARENTING ] Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst with specialized clinical training in infant-parent, child, adolescent, and adult psychotherapy. She has been on the faculties of New York University and the Society for Psychoanalytic Study and Research, among others. She has written extensively on parenting for various publications, including the Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, The International Journal of Infant Observation, The Inner World of the Mother, Newsday’s Parents & Children Magazine, Long Island Parent. She also wrote her popular column, PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE, at Moms Magazine and has been a parenting expert for numerous publications such as Good Housekeeping. and Bustle Lifestyle. She currently writes for Active Family Magazine (San Francisco) and blogs for Huffington Post. Her new book is Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child’s Behavior. To learn more go to Dr. Hollman’s website at
Back to School Anxiety
www.lauriehollmanphd.com.
by Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. Most children are stressed by the advent of going back to school after summer pleasures. But stress is not the same as back to school anxiety which is identified by avoidance of school preparation, avoidance of talking about school and irritability about the topic. Children who are naturally anxious or have anxiety disorders are the most fragile when it comes to anticipatory anxiety about school. Depending on the developmental age of the child, the worries are varied. The kindergartner has little notion of school except for their experiences in preschool. If the preschool was structured with academics and play, they come prepared knowing their letters and numbers, how to write their names, and how to socialize in small groups. The schools that prepare children mostly with play of the kids’ direction, actually prepare the children best of all because it builds their ability to share, socialize, and express themselves in many ways. If rote learning and academics prevail undervaluing play,
16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
[ PARENTING ] these children are at a disadvantage for the critical
when they will see you again helps considerably. Try not
thinking skills one hopes that they will slowly obtain such
to set a pattern of frequent texting so that kids can find
as flexibility, impulse control, empathy, learning the
their way on their own without prompting and hovering
impact of their actions on others, frustration tolerance,
by anxious parents during the day. School is the child’s
tolerance of mistakes and failures, and problem solving
place for work and play. The adult has his own life until
in a collaborative way.
after school when he or she is available to talk and chat about the daily events each afternoon.
Children entering kindergarten or any new school, should be brought to the school to visit prior to
Children with clear anxiety problems such as panic
September as often as needed. Perhaps they will get a
attacks, obsessive compulsive disorder, generalized
chance to walk through the building, play on the play
anxiety, social anxiety and separation anxiety should
ground and even meet some teachers or the principal in
begin treatment before school begins so they have the
a friendly atmosphere of exploration and discovery.
resources of adults to depend on as they encounter
Each grade brings new anxiety as the children wonder
different experiences during the day.
about the style of the teacher and the children they do or do not know ahead of time. Play dates before school
If medications are required for any reason, have
begins to get them prepared to be with these youngsters
them worked out long before school starts including
in an unpressured way.
psychotropic medications for ADHD, anxiety, depression, and dysregulated emotions. Try to make nothing new
Knowing the bus route and who may be on the bus to
arise as school starts other than new teachers and
sit with eases anxiety for those with social angst. If the
students. All else should be familiar.
child has had arguments or there has been bullying the previous year, finding out whether the child will
Children who are in new neighborhoods or big
encounter those children again helps prepare him.
geographic changes are best off making these changes early in the summer, so they can be familiar with their
Children with behavior problems who lack impulse
surroundings ahead of time.
control for example, need to be prepared for school. Finding out the teacher’s style of discipline is helpful
Adolescents experience mostly social anxiety needing
to prepare the child in a positive way. In integrated
to experiment with different social groups, learning the
classrooms children will be exposed to many different
ins and outs of the importance or lack of importance of
children’s temperaments and tolerance for these
popularity, a circle of friends, or a few loyal best friends.
differences can be talked about ahead. Most
When peer pressure is experienced during the summer
children are empathic with others with disabilities or
months, it can be discussed with regard to sex and drugs.
problematic behavior as long as they are not targeted or
Otherwise, wait and see what the child experiences.
scapegoated themselves. If the school is in a difficult neighborhood where there Unless the child has had problems in school before, it’s
is violence and security measures in the school, simply
best not to present the possible upsets that can happen,
prepare the child about the security measures he will
but just wait and see being an available listener to the
encounter so he is not scared by them. Play down
anxious child who comes up distressed by something
watching the news about violent events in schools
that occurred during the day.
because although the media focuses on them, it is less common than expected.
Separation anxiety can be most prevalent in early grades but can reappear with a change of school, such
During the summer take small problems and teach your
as middle school and even high school. Making sure
child how to problems solve. Learn what is on their minds
the children know where you will be during the day and
by attentive listening without interruption to see their SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17
[ PARENTING ] beliefs, ideas, interests, intentions, and feelings. Don’t
summer months before the senior year try and assist your
offer ready solutions but be a sounding board.
teen in doing their resumes and essays so they aren’t so overloaded in the fall. Kids anxious about college tend
Children who feel understood gain confidence and are
to avoid these tasks, so don’t get into arguments about
most prepared for school. Praise for specific skills and
them, just offer to help.
aptitudes help build self-assurance. General praise like, “good job” “that’s cool” often go unheeded because
The key to helping kids feel they belong in a familiar
they are not particular enough. Help kids know their
place such as school is to build their confidence during
assets.
the summer months with specific praise, noting their assets, and being a great listener—the most important
Most important for the anxious child is a strong parent-
job of all. If your child knows he or she can come to you
child bond that the child can return to every day
to listen to their pleasures and upsets, they go to school
to explore their experiences at school. If you don’t
with you inside of their minds to assist them throughout
frequently talk to your child about his or her day, summer
the day. They will remember that you said it takes time to
time is the time to start. Then this becomes a familiar
adjust to a new grade and not to feel pressured to know
engagement between parent and child that the child can trust in during the school year.
your way around perfectly, understand all the teachers say, and make friends. A month or two into school you can feel more comfortable. Don’t expect it right away.
Older kids often have summer reading for courses they will be taking. Don’t wait until the last week to get this in. Read the books yourselves so you can discuss them and provide quiet time where kids can enjoy being by themselves completing these summer assignments. Make them positive by discussing their interests or even boredom with the assignments. Help as needed. Children who have academic difficulties should be helped to keep up with some academics during the summer to prevent regression. This can be done playfully by reading frequently to children who can read, doing puzzles and math problems on computer videos, and engaging kids in kitchen and yard activities that require some math skills so they become part of life itself.
Juniors and seniors in high school anticipate with anxiety college preparation from their grades that are important, to their investments in specific activities, to the applications themselves. Visit colleges during the junior year before the pressures of interviews begin. During the 18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
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[ TRAVEL ]
Grand Wailea Waldorf Astoria Resort - The Ultimate Hawaiian Vacation
by Elizabeth Kang Look no further - Grand Wailea is the family vacation
something really special; as every inch of the property
destination, and we are already plotting our next return.
embodies that distinct tropical Polynesian feel, right
We’ve stayed at many memorable Hawaiian resorts —
down to hundreds of swaying palm trees, thousands of
particularly in Maui — but Grand Wailea easily tops our
stunning flowers, and warm, glowing tiki torches. The
list as one of the best.
service, too, encapsulates that true Aloha spirit with welcoming and genuine smiles from every one of the
What sets this extraordinary (and aptly named) resort
amiable staff workers we encountered.
apart is the expansive opulent grandness of it. We’ve found that it’s sometimes difficult for vacation venues to
While it’s true that Grand Wailea is a bit pricier than other
maintain quality and luxury on a grand scale, but Grand
resorts on Maui, we believe that this resort is worth the
Wailea does it impressively well.
extra cost, and for those families who are looking for a truly enjoyable and luxurious family vacation, we can
Arriving at the plush, 40-acre property feels a bit like
confidently assure them that in this case, you do get
stepping back in time to when a Hawaiian vacation was
what you pay for. Read on to see why Grand Wailea is
20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
[ TRAVEL ] one of our favorite travel picks this year. The Amazing Grounds: When simply walking the grounds of a resort feels both invigorating and relaxing, you know you're somewhere special. Impeccably maintained gardens, expansive, verdant lawns and breathtaking waterfalls and fountains make for a dazzling display. You’ll want to take in every inch of the gorgeous grounds by exploring each and every rope bridge and rock cavern, and admiring each brilliant tropical flower. Adding to the grand, opulent feel of the property are the eye-catching, large-scale Botero sculptures, which encircle the open-air lobby. These mermaid, boat and dolphin sculptures, among others, make for an impressive first impression. The panoramic ocean views and stunning pools and gardens add to the excitement and anticipation of a memorable vacation. Luxurious, Comfortable Rooms: Upon arrival, we were warmly greeted with a traditional Hawaiian fresh flower lei — exactly the welcome we were anticipating. The next thing to do, of course, is check out the room and get luggage situated, and the comfortable and wellappointed rooms did not disappoint The recently renovated and spacious rooms feature contemporary, subtle Hawaiian decor with a soft neutral and light wood pallet and pops of ocean colors. Guests can choose from ocean, garden or terrace views in a one King or two Queen floorpan. Each room features a private balcony or patio, spacious bathroom with an oversized tub and walk-in shower, along with a private toilet. Other amenities include a Keurig coffeemaker, bar area with mini fridge, safe, closet, and 55” flat-screen TV. Free Wifi, bathrobes, hair dryer, iron and iHome are also included. Room service is available, with an expansive food and amenities menu to choose from. Delicious, Fresh Food: There are nine dining options, including five restaurants, located on the property at Grand Wailea, and guests will find plenty to please the palate, from quick grab-n-go options to white tablecloth fine dining. Among the numerous options are a delicious breakfast buffet at Grand Dining Room Maui, fantastic blended tropical drinks at the poolside Volcano Bar SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21
[ TRAVEL ]
& Grill, and wonderful seasonal Hawaiian cuisine in a
pools are a highlight of the property, and there are quite
family friendly atmosphere at HumuHumu, where kids
a few to choose from on this expansive resort. In fact,
5 and under eat free. Grab your morning coffee and a
most guests need a map to navigate them the first day
pastry at Cafe Kula — a convenient option when your
or two.
kids are anxious to get up and get to the pools. The new Lava Slide is an exhilarating three-story drop For a more romantic option, guests can arrange a
that older kids will love, and The Wailea Canyon Activity
private sunset cabana dinner on the beach, with a
Pool is an impressive 25,700 square feet of family fun,
personalized menu suited to your taste. Savor local fresh
including nine individual pools on six different levels that
fish, succulent beef, pork or chicken and vegetarian
are connected by a floating river. The Activity Pool also
options, while taking in a breathtaking sunset with a
includes waterslides, an infant pool, a rope swing, a
loved one.
swim-up bar, a sand beach, and the world’s first water elevator.
You won’t want to miss the Grand Luau at Honua’ula, which was voted “Best Luau in South Maui” by the Maui
There’s also an elegant 18-and-over Hibiscus Pool on
News reader’s poll. This Luau is sure to be a highlight of
the property, adorned with over 2.2 million individual
your trip, and features an extensive buffet of traditional
gorgeous Mexican glass mosaic tiles. The Hibiscus Pool
Hawaiian delicacies, and a very entertaining show with
features two jacuzzis, a stunning waterfall centerpiece,
traditional Polynesian dancing, drummers, costumes,
and plenty of private cabanas to rent.
and more. The fire dancing is mesmerizing, as is the hypnotic chants and storytelling.
Fun for Everyone: When (or if) you finally get your fill of pool time, you’ll find plenty of other activities to keep
Unbelievable Pools: There is so much to keep everyone in
you and everyone in the family busy, from shopping, spa
the family happily occupied at Grand Wailea, but we’d
time, and golf for the adults to a fun-filled kids’ club and
be remiss to not rave about the pools in particular. The
calm beach for children.
22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
[ TRAVEL ] Wailea Beach is just steps away from the resort, and is considered by many to be one of the best beaches in the world. Spend a few minutes on the powder-soft sandy beach and you’ll see why: Crystal turquoise water, calm waves, and picturesque palms make for the perfect beach experience. Rent a SUP board, enjoy a beach yoga class, or take some scuba lessons for extra fun. There’s even an Outrigger Canoe Experience guests can book to experience the history and excitement of Polynesian voyaging.
The Rock, a 20,000 square-foot-kids’ club at Grand Wailea features fun programs for all ages, including The Spot, a teen lounge open to kids ages 13-17, Ohane Hale, a gaming lounge open to all ages (under 13 years old must be accompanied by an adult,) and Camp Grande, which entertains kids ages 5-12. Activities at The Rock include hula lessons, lei making, video games, a lego wall, and more.
Spa Grande, voted by both Conde Nast Traveler and Travel & Leisure Magazine as one of the “Top 10 Spas in the United States”, and we couldn't agree more. The 50,000 square-foot spa includes steam saunas, soothing waterfalls, and a state-of-the-art fitness center. The spa menu is extensive and we could easily spend an entire afternoon enjoying the impeccable facilities and zen-like atmosphere.
No need to leave the property when that shopping bug bites, because Grand Wailea offers plenty of boutiques, markets, and galleries to find souvenirs, resort wear and gifts to bring home.
Golfers will delight in the three course golf club at the resort, which offers experiences for every level. You just can’t beat the stunning panoramic ocean views offered at these gorgeous courses. Lessons are available to book from some of the world’s best golf instructors. SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23
[ PARENTING ]
Katie Hurley, LCSW, is a child and adolescent psychotherapist and author of The Happy Kid Handbook. Her work can be found on EverydayFamily, Momtastic, mom.me, Yahoo Parenting, PBS Parents and The Huffington Post. Katie writes the parenting blog, Practical Parenting. Katie splits her time between Los Angeles and the Connecticut coast with her rock and roll husband and their two happy children. For more stress reduction techniques and strategies to empower children to live happy lives, check out Katie’s new book, The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World.
5 Phrases (And 1 Question) to Help Your Tween Daughter Through the Hard Stuff by Katie Hurley, LCSW I’ve worked with a lot of tween girls over the past 18 years. They end up in my office for various reasons (I specialize in anxiety, stress, self-esteem, and learning differences), but, more often than not, we end up talking about the pressure that exists for young girls today. On the one hand, girls have tons of opportunities at their fingertips. Options are everywhere. Name an area of interest and you can find a class or program to hone those skills and follow that dream! In some ways, that’s a very good thing. Girls who don’t want to play traditional sports, for example, find other cool sports and activities. Girls who want to skip organized sports altogether seek out other outlets to connect with other kids and follow their passions. That’s the good news. On the other hand, the stakes feel very high. Girls tell me that the pressure to “be the best” and “rise to the top” is almost suffocating. Some consider quitting sports and other activities because they feel like there’s no point in doing those things for the fun of it – they’re expected to succeed. They also talk about the competition between girls and how it negatively impacts their friendships. Yes, relational aggression continues to be a problem in the life of girls, and they don’t know how to manage the stress of friendship troubles coupled
24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
[ SEASONAL FUN ] with the stress of rising to the top. It’s a lot.
[ PARENTING ] helps one might annoy another. The following phrases, however, come up over and over again:
“Move on” Tween girls go through some tough stuff. They need to
“I’m here for you.”
get those feelings and out and talk about the ups and
Sounds simple, right? I can’t tell you how many girls tell
downs of girlhood. The problem is…they’re not sure
me they just want their parents to say these words. They
where to turn. Tweens have a tendency to be pleasers
don’t want corrections. They don’t want to be quizzed on
at times, and many go to great lengths to show their
what went wrong. They just want you to be there. They
parents and other adults in their lives that they can
want to hear that they’re not alone.
handle everything on their own. They also hear a lot of, “move on” messages from the adults in their lives. Thing
“I’m listening.”
thing is, it’s really hard to “move on” when you’ve had a
One the biggest complaints among young girls right now
terrible day (or week, or month.)
is that they feel like parents are only ever half listening.
I’ve asked girls to share their least favorite responses from
I’m guilty of looking down when I should look up at times;
adults over the years. Below is a small sample:
I get it. But this age range marks a critical period of selfesteem development. They need 1:1 time with us that
“Everybody goes through this.”
includes tuning out the rest of the world so that we can
“Don’t be so dramatic.”
tune in to them.
“You’ll be fine.” “Move on and find new friends.”
Studies show that self-esteem begins to dip for girls as
“Don’t worry; it’s no big deal.”
early as age 9, with an average age of dip occurring at 11, and doesn’t make a comeback until later
Why these phrases hurt
adolescence.
Tween girls tend to be highly social beings. They’re learning to gain independence and find their tribes.
Listening, really listening, makes a difference. Girls often
When the tribe fails them in some way (even if they
tell me that they feel like their parents only listen enough
played a role in that failure), it hurts very deeply.
to respond. What they want is for parents to sit back and let them talk their way through their big feelings.
Sometimes tweens internalize feelings. Sometimes they make assumptions based on limited information.
“I’m proud of you.”
Sometimes they react before they’ve had time to
We’re all proud of our kids. But do we all communicate
process, while other times they spend so much time
that feeling to our kids regularly? Parents get so focused
processing that resentment and other negative emotions
on results (grades, goals, scores) that they forget to talk
build up.
about the little things that make them proud (acts of kindness, helping someone in need). Your girls need to
They are growing and changing at a rapid pace, and
hear this. Regularly.
the world around them is full of conflicting and often confusing messages. They are entitled to a few bad days
“That sounds hard.”
and rocky moments!
The benefit of being an adult is that adults have excellent hindsight. Adults know what mistakes they made and
5 Phrases that help tweens
how to fix everything for their kids! One small problem:
What they don’t want is a pep talk every time they
Your tween is not you, and she needs to work through her
express their emotions or share their tough stuff. What
own ups and downs. Instead of running in for the save
they need is support. I like to go to the source, and I
with a point-by-point plan to solve the dilemma, try this
suggest that you open that dialogue with your tween
simple phrase. It will open the door to communication
(see below.) All girls are different, and a phrase that
and might even inspire your daughter to seek you out for SEPTEMBER 2018 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25
[ PARENTING ] help another time.
future.
“I understand.”
One important question
Parents and other adults talk to kids about empathy
When I ask girls what they need or want from their
fairly regularly these days (I hope so, anyway.) We do this
parents when they’re upset, I get a wide variety of
because we want to raise caring and compassionate
answers. Some want hugs and snuggles. Some want time
kids. But then we turn around and minimize their
together to take a walk. Some want to read together
concerns when they share them.
or color in one of those fancy coloring books together. But almost all of them wish you would ask them this one
I find that most parents do this so that their girls won’t
important question:
worry too much or get overly upset about what the parents consider small bumps in the road. It comes
“How can I help?”
from a good place. The problem is that girls’ problems
That’s it. It’s a simple question, and they might not have
feel very real and very big to them. When they feel
the answer right away, but it shows that you listened, you
overwhelmed and unsure, minimizing their problems only
understand, and you’re there no matter what.
leaves them feeling isolated. Bonus Tip: It also causes them to shut down.
Talking can be really hard for tweens. Sometimes they don’t know how or where to begin. A parent-child
Parenting with empathy and communicating that
journal is a great way to communicate without the
you understand helps build a strong connection and
tension that can emerge when sitting face-to-face. Give
encourages your daughter to seek help from you in the
it a try!
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26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2018
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