OCTOBER 2020
FALL GIFT GUIDE Seven Ways to Cope with Uncertainty
VIRTUAL LEARNING SAFETY TIPS
Volume 7 / Issue 80
How Parents Can Help Teachers Put Their Child on Track to Become Successful Students
[ HEALTH & WELL BEING ]
6
20
14
4 Mistakes Parents Make That Fuel Tantrums
[ DIGITAL SAFETY ]
[ PRODUCTS WE LOVE ]
How to Protect Kids from Cyber-Bullying
Fall Finds from Etsy
[ PARENTING ] 5 Science-Backed Reasons to Let Your Hair Down & Play
8
Seven Ways to Cope with Uncertainty
12
18 Virtual Learning Safety Tips
22
8 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
20
12
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Editor’s Note We hope this issue finds you and your family happy and healthy during these trying times. As we all begin to acclimate to the educational challenges our kids are experiencing, be sure to check out the article on page 20 regarding Virtual Learning Safety Tips. Some great advice from leading experts. Fall is one of our favorite seasons and we’ve complied a few of our favorite Fall products on page 12 from Etsy. Be sure to keep an eye on our social media channels for your chance to win these amazing items: www.facebook.comactivefamilymag and IG @activefamilymagazine. Wishing everyone a festive October! Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com
4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
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[ PARENTING ]
Emma Seppälä, Ph.D is Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and is the author of The Happiness Track (HarperOne, 2016). She is also Co-Director of the Yale College Emotional Intelligence Project at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. She is a frequent contributor to Harvard Business Review, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, and Scientific American Mind. She is the founder and editor-in-chief of Fulfillment Daily, a popular news site dedicated to the science of happiness. Her work and research have been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Chicago Tribune, The Boston Globe, The Atlantic, VOGUE, ELLE, CBSNews, Oprah Magazine, Fast Company, U.S. World and News Report, Forbes, Cosmopolitan, Inc, Huffington Post, ABC News, Business Insider, SELF, GLAMOUR. She has appeared several times on Good Morning America. She was also interviewed for Huffington Post Live and TIME/MONEY and is featured in the documentary film The Altruism Revolution. She is the recipient of a number of research grants and service awards including the James W. Lyons Award from Stanford University for founding Stanford’s first academic class on the psychology of happiness and teaching many well-being programs for Stanford students. She graduated from Yale (BA), Columbia (MA), and Stanford (PhD). Originally from Paris, France, she is a native speaker of French, English, and German.
5 Science-Backed Reasons to Let Your Hair Down & Play by Emma Seppälä Ph.D. Submerged in the responsibilities of life, the seriousness of world affairs, and an ever-growing to-do list, we often forget to PLAY. Animals, on the other hand, continue to play throughout their adult lives! We may believe that play is somehow no longer appropriate or cast it aside as a frivolous waste of time. Research suggests, however, that play is essential to our well-being, creativity, and health. 1. It Boosts Our Creativity Mark Beeman, Ph.D., at Northwestern University found that people have an easier time solving a puzzle after watching a short comedy clip. Having fun, perhaps by easing tension, may be facilitating neuronal connections helpful for greater mental flexibility and creativity. In another brain imaging study, Dr. Beeman found that activation of pleasure centers in the brain predicted successful puzzlesolving. These findings suggesting that well-being helps us think more creatively and could potentially help us resolve challenging situations. 2. It Helps Us Think Outside the Box Barbara Fredrikson, Ph.D., of the University
6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
[ PARENTING ] of Chapel Hill – North Carolina and author of Positivity,
pleasure.
found that positive emotions increase our cognitive resources by expanding our visual attention as well
About 50% of the time, we aren’t in the present
as our social resources by improving our ability to
moment, according to a study of 5,000 people
connect with others. In other words, play may be a
by Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert of
way of getting literally “unstuck.” Taking a break and
Harvard University. Our minds tend to wander and
engaging in a totally frivolous act of fun can help
the researchers found that “a wandering mind is an
loosen our tension and worries and help us think of
unhappy mind.” No matter what we’re actually doing,
different ways to engage with a challenging situation.
pleasant or unpleasant, we are happiest when our mind is in the present moment. When our mind is in
Stuart Brown, M.D. describes in his book Play how the Jet Propulsion Lab (JPL) found it difficult to find young engineers of the same caliber as those that had retired. After interviewing the engineers that had retired, they came to the realization that the retirees had engaged in various forms of analytic play that had resulted in their brilliant performance as engineers. Today, JPL interviews include questions about the type of play that applicants engaged in during their youth.
3. It Improves Our Health Laughter is a natural outcome of play. Preliminary studies suggest that, in addition to being enjoyable and relieving feelings of stress and tension, laughter can also improve physical health. It has been linked to decreased stress and inflammation in the body and may improve vascular health.
the past, it usually dwells on negative emotions such as anger or regret. When it is in the future, anxiety and fear arise. Play makes you present, and both research and ancient wisdom say that’s the only place you can be truly happy.
5. It Connects Us As I described in my previous post, social connectedness is a fundamental need for human beings. On January 1st 1915, during World War I, a soldier in the in the front line sent home a famous letter that was first published in the London Times. It described the events of the truce on Christmas Day: ‘The English brought a soccer ball from the trenches, and pretty soon a lively game ensued. How marvelously wonderful, yet how strange it was. The English officers felt the same way about it. Thus Christmas, the celebration of love, managed to bring
4. It Makes Us Present One of the reasons play may be so
mortal enemies together as friends for a time.’
fun is that it brings us into the present moment, which is the only place where we can feel happiness. When
This striking story is a reminder that play – the ability
we lose ourselves in play, we can enter a state of
to laugh and let go, to inhabit the present, and to be
Flow, a concept proposed by research psychologist,
immersed in mirth and lightness of being – can be
Mihály Csíkszentmihályi – author of the book Flow.
an ultimate act of love and belongingness. When we
Flow occurs when we are completely immersed in an
can laugh and joke, we are remembering our joint
activity — the state of being one hundred percent
humanity, our mutual desire for happiness and love,
in the present moment, and it is a state of great
and our fundamental interconnectedness. OCTOBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7
[ PARENTING ]
Parenting expert and “recovering yeller” Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time… The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling (Penguin, 2011.) Amy is a regular parenting contributor on The TODAY Show and has also appeared on Rachael Ray, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Steve Harvey and elsewhere. In her most important role, she plays mom to two teenage boys. Follow Amy on Twitter @AmyMcCreadyPPS. For more information on Postive Parenting, go to www.positiveparentingsolutions. com/course-details
4 Mistakes Parents Make That Fuel Tantrums Temper tantrums.
by Amy McCready
Are there any two more cringe-worthy words in the entire English language? Probably not–for parents at least.
Yet, it’s a fact of life. Temper tantrums happen–in children of all ages, no less! (And sometimes even in adults!)
You’ve been there. After spending a full day running errands with your toddler, you suddenly realize you’ve blown right past both lunch and naptime.
You look at your child sitting peacefully in the back seat.
He seems okay now, but you know from experience a storm is brewing. He’s a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. 8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
[ PARENTING ] Ideally, you’d want to stop the incoming tantrum before
cereal.”
it’s even begun. But sometimes that just isn’t possible. So what do you do?
Your logic is sound. It really isn’t a big deal…to you. But to your daughter? There is no bigger deal in the entire
Or better yet, what shouldn’t you do?
universe right now.
Believe it or not, parents play as much of a role in temper
Finding reason in a stressful situation comes natural to
tantrums as the kids themselves. The next time your child
most adults. Why not? Haven’t we spent our entire lives
dives into the heat of a terrible tantrum, just know that
learning to do so?
you hold the power to determine how quickly it will end and how often it will reappear.
But trying to reason with your child during the heat of a tantrum–especially when it happens to be playing out in
It all comes down to your response.
a public space–simply doesn’t work.
Here are four mistakes parents typically make that
Why? Because in the midst of a tantrum, your child is
actually fuel temper tantrums rather than end them.
in a state of heightened emotion where the ability to think rationally is furthest from her mind. You may be
Mistake #1: Trying to Reason
continuing the conversation in hopes of bringing her
You’re standing in the middle of aisle seven at your local
around, but that does nothing to help her come out of
supermarket; your red-faced four-year-old is screaming
the tantrum.
at the top of her lungs as her little body thrashes across the white tile floor. You just told her you wouldn’t be
Instead, stay calm and remove yourselves from the
buying her favorite sugary cereal and she is not taking
area. Try to help her work through her big emotions by
the news well.
practicing deep breathing techniques, singing a song, or shifting her focus elsewhere.
Embarrassed, you look straight at your tantruming daughter, willing yourself to ignore all of the judgmental
Mistake #2: Giving In
stares being sent your way.
You know your son isn’t allowed to play video games until he has finished his homework and you’ve stood your
“Sweetheart, please get off the floor,” you say quietly.
ground–so far.
“We don’t act like this.” In the past–and on better days–you’ve firmly upheld You’re met with nothing but more screaming. Your mind
the rule: No video games before homework. But you’re
starts to panic as you try to think of ways to talk her off
so tired. It’s been a rough day, dinner still needs to be
the ledge.
cooked, and he simply won’t stop with the begging. The pleading. The whining!
“It’s okay, everything is going to be alright.” Still more screaming.
“Please mom!” he moans. “Just one game!”
“Honey, this isn’t a big deal,” you reassure her. “It’s just
“I’m sorry,” you say. “Not until your homework is finished.” OCTOBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9
[ PARENTING ] “Just one! I promise.”
high, it can be so easy to get swept up in the storm rather than calming it.
“No, honey. You know the rule.” Perhaps you asked your four-year-old to put the Legos “But all of my friends can play before their homework.”
away and get ready for dinner before he was ready. Now he’s sitting on the floor, screaming at the top of his
“The answer is no.”
lungs, and throwing Legos across the room.
“Please, mom. Please! Just this one time!”
Your first instinct may be to give him a quick spank on the bottom or shout, “Go to your room, young man!” But
You sigh, utterly exhausted. You’ve stayed strong, but
I promise you would only be adding fuel to an already
your son is relentless and you can feel a tantrum coming
blazing fire.
on. That’s because this particular temper tantrum is You start to think, “Would it really hurt to let him break
manipulative; a deliberate act on your son’s part
that rule just this one time?”
because he knows he can use it to get his way. When you lose your own temper and resort to yelling, spanking,
Unfortunately, the answer is yes. It can absolutely hurt.
or getting physically involved, you are showing your son that his actions upset you. This gives him a huge hit of
Believe me, I get it. At times it seems nothing is worse
power.
than having to tell your child “no,” especially at the end of a long day when all you want to do is settle in
The attention you gave him may have been negative
and relax. However, by standing firm and then giving in
attention, but it was attention nonetheless–all the more
you’re sending your son a very clear message: If you are
reason to do the same thing in the future, right?
persistent with your begging, eventually I’ll give in to your demand.
Mistake #4: Bribery It’s the first day of school and your son would rather sleep
You know that despite his pleading and promising, it
in than make it to first bell. The fight started the moment
won’t be “just this one time.” Giving in now will pave the
you woke him up and his attitude has only worsened
way for your son to ask the same thing again tomorrow
throughout the morning.
night, and the next, and the next. Now you’re stuck in the school drop-off line with a fuming Do yourself a favor and stop that train in its tracks. Stand
child in the backseat, arms crossed, refusing to get out of
firm in your resolve and stick to the rule.
the car.
You won’t regret it in the long run. You start to hear the honks coming from behind you. Pro Tip: Use these 3 words to end nagging and
You’re holding up the line.
negotiating! Mortified you turn to your son and beg him to get out of Mistake #3: Losing It
the car and go to school. Still, he refuses.
As the old adage goes, “It takes two to tango.” And nowhere is this more clear than in the midst of a temper
You feel a mixture of embarrassment, panic, and rage
tantrum.
bubbling up inside you, but, more than anything, it’s desperation that truly grips you.
Staying calm when your child is having a tantrum may seem like an impossible task. When emotions are running 10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
“Fine,” you say. “If you get out of the car and go to
[ PARENTING ] school, I’ll take you out for pizza tonight.”
out the window and everything changes.
You’re not proud to have resorted to bribery, but your son
We try to reason. We give in. We bribe. We lose our
relents. Begrudgingly, he gets out of the car and walks
temper. And then…we feel guilty.
into the school, leaving you free to exit the drop off line. I want to encourage you, because there is help! The It worked. Or did it?
Positive Parenting Solutions course was designed for parents just like you who are looking for tools they can
As tempting as it can be to bribe your child or offer a
use to help with the toughest parenting challenges–
reward to stop a tantrum, it can actually backfi re in a
tantrums included!
very big way. Now, in your child’s mind, you’ve reinforced the idea that if they throw a big enough tantrum, they
Curious if the course is right for you? Check out our
will be offered something they want.
Course Tour. Still not sure? JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS where I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–
Final Thoughts
no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.
When times are calm, it’s easy to say how we, as parents, would respond to our child’s tantrums. Then, in the heat
We wish you every success in your parenting journey and
of the moment, all of our well-intended ideas go flying
are here to help you every step of the way!
OCTOBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11
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OCTOBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13
7.
[ HEALTH & WELL BEING ]
Seven Ways to Cope with Uncertainty What should we do when everything feels so out of control? by Dr. Laura Markham Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone. You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.
Living with so much uncertainty is hard. Human beings crave information about the future in the same way we crave food, sex, and other primary rewards. Our brains perceive ambiguity as a threat, and they try to protect us by diminishing our ability to focus on anything other than creating certainty. Research shows that job uncertainty, for example, tends to take a more significant toll on our health than actually losing our job. Similarly, research participants who were told that they had a 50% chance of receiving a painful electric shock felt far more anxious and agitated than participants who believed they were definitely going to receive the shock.
14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
[ HEALTH & WELL BEING ] It is no surprise, then, that there are entire industries
practice acceptance, we surrender our resistance to a
devoted to filling in the blanks of our futures. See, for
problematic situation, and also to our emotions about
example, the popularity of astrology apps, or the
the situation.
prestige of management consultancies dedicated to strategic planning. Fundamentalist religions counter
For example, you might find your marriage to be
anxiety by providing us with unambiguous rules and
particularly challenging right now. Instead of criticizing
absolute truths. Conspiracy theories provide us with
or blaming your spouse—two tactics of resistance—you
simple explanations for complex phenomena.
could calmly accept your marriage for the time being. That doesn’t mean that you won’t feel frustrated
But sometimes—maybe always—it’s more effective
anymore, or disappointed, or saddened by the state of
not to attempt to create certainty. Though evolution
things. A big part of acceptance is accepting how we
might have rigged our brains to resist uncertainty, we
feel about difficult circumstances (and difficult people)
can never really know what the future will bring. And
in our lives. But allowing our challenging marriage to be
in improbable situations like the pandemic, which has
as it is right now—and acknowledging our feelings about
massively disrupted our routines and utterly destroyed our
it—puts us in a better position to move forward.
best-laid plans, we need to learn to live with ambiguity. “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is,” wrote
To be clear, acceptance is not the same as resignation.
mathematician John Allen Paulos. “Knowing how to live
Accepting a situation doesn’t mean that it will never get
with insecurity is the only security.”
better. We don’t accept that things will stay the same
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is” –John Allen Paulos, mathematician
forever; we only accept whatever is actually happening at the moment. We can work to make our marriage happier, while at the same time allowing the reality that right now, the relationship or the situation is complicated. Maybe it will get better, maybe it won’t. Practicing
So how can we best cope when everything feels so out
acceptance in the face of difficulty is hard, and it’s also
of control? Here are seven surprising strategies.
the most effective way to move forward.
1. Don’t resist
2. Invest in yourself
There’s no doubt: We are living through challenging
The best resource that you have right now for making a
times. But resisting this current reality won’t help us
contribution to the world is YOU. When that resource is
recover, learn, grow, or feel better. Ironically, resistance
depleted, your most valuable asset is damaged. In other
prolongs our pain and difficulty by amplifying the
words: When we underinvest in our bodies, minds, or
challenging emotions we are feeling. There is real truth to
spirits, we destroy our most essential tools for leading our
the aphorism that what we resist persists.
best lives.
There’s an alternative. Instead of resisting, we can
We humans don’t do well when we defer maintenance
practice acceptance. Research by Kristin Neff and her
on ourselves. We need to sustain the relationships that
colleagues has shown that acceptance—particularly
bring us connection and meaning. We must get enough
self-acceptance—is a counterintuitive secret to
sleep and rest when we are tired. We need to spend time
happiness. Acceptance is about meeting life where it is
having fun and playing, just for the joy of it.
and moving forward from there. Don’t be confused: Self-care is not selfish. Selfishness is Because acceptance allows us to see the reality of
an anxious focus on the self. Selfish people tend to refer
the situation in the present moment, it frees us up to
back to themselves a lot by using words like I, me, and
move forward, rather than remaining paralyzed (or
mine. They pursue extrinsic goals, such as preserving their
made ineffective) by uncertainty, fear, or argument. To
youthful beauty or cultivating an image of themselves on OCTOBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15
[ HEALTH & WELL BEING ] social media. They often hunger for more money, power,
react emotionally as though the worst case is already
and approval from others, and they are often willing to
happening in real life, rather than just in our heads. We
pursue these things at the expense of other people or
grieve for things that we haven’t actually lost, and react
at the expense of their own integrity. That sort of self-
to events that are not actually happening. This makes us
focus is linked to stress, anxiety, depression, and health
feel threatened, afraid, and unsafe when we are simply
problems such as heart disease.
alone with our thoughts.
So, I’m definitely not recommending selfishness. I’m
Our negativity bias can also set us up for failure.
suggesting self-care and personal growth.
Expectations can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we expect the worst, we often feel too afraid
3. Find healthy comfort items
or close-minded to seize opportunities or respond to challenges with creativity and grit.
One of the most important ways we can invest in ourselves is to comfort ourselves in healthy ways.
Instead of buying into every stressful thought, we can actively imagine the best possible scenario. We can
If we are to stay flexible, we need to feel safe and
find silver linings to replace ruminations. This counters
secure. When we feel uncertain or insecure, our brain
our natural tendency to overestimate risks and negative
tries to rescue us by activating our dopamine systems.
consequences.
This dopamine rush encourages us to seek rewards, making temptations more tempting. Think of this as your
5. Pay attention
brain pushing you toward a comfort item…like an extra
The opposite of uncertainty is not certainty; it’s presence.
glass of wine instead of a reasonable bedtime. Or the
Instead of imagining a scary and unknown future, we
entire pan of brownies. Or an extra little something in
can bring our attention to our breath. From there, we
your Amazon cart.
can check in with ourselves. Every time we wash our hands, for example, we could ask ourselves: How are
But instead of turning to social media, junk food, or
you doing right now?
booze to soothe our rattled nerves, we do better when we preemptively comfort ourselves in healthy ways.
Notice what emotions you are feeling, and where in your body you feel those emotions. Bring curiosity and
Make a list of healthy ways to comfort yourself. Can you
acceptance to your experience (see #1).
mask up and go for a hike with a neighbor? Schedule a call with a friend? Reflect on what you are grateful for?
Even when it feels like everything is out of our control,
Let yourself take a little nap? Perhaps you could seek out
we can still control what we pay attention to. We can
a hug or watch a funny YouTube video.
turn off our alerts to keep the news or social media from hijacking our awareness. We can drop our ruminations
Those things may seem small—or even luxurious—but
and negative fantasies by attending to what’s actually
they enable us to be the people that we want to be.
happening in our inner world, right now, here in the present.
4. Don’t believe everything you think Perhaps the most essential stress-reduction tactic that
Attending to what is happening within us at any
anyone has ever taught me is not to believe everything I
given moment keeps a crappy external reality from
think. In uncertain times, it’s particularly important not to
determining our inner truth. It allows us to cultivate calm,
believe thoughts that argue for the worst-case scenario.
open-mindedness, and non-reactivity.
It can be helpful for us to consider worst-case scenarios so that we can weigh risks and actively prevent disaster.
6. Stop looking for someone to rescue you
But when we believe these stressful thoughts, we tend to
When we act as though we are powerless, we get
16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
[ HEALTH & WELL BEING ] trapped in narratives that leave us feeling angry,
more strongly connected to their community. Research
helpless, and trapped. And we start hoping other people
shows that we feel good when we stop thinking about
will save us from our misery.
ourselves so much and support others.
Although it can feel good when others dote on us, most
When we see something that needs improvement, our
rescuers don’t really help. Our friends might want to save
next step is to recognize what we personally can do
us—because helping others makes people feel good—
to be a part of the solution. What skills and talents (or
and their intentions may be noble. But rescuers tend to
even just interests) can we bring to the issue? What really
be better enablers than saviors. If we stay stuck, they
matters to us, and how can we be of service?
get to keep their role as our hero, or they get to distract themselves from their own problems.
Meaning and purpose are wellsprings of hope. When the world feels scary or uncertain, knowing what meaning
Rescuers tend to give us permission to avoid taking
we have for others and feeling a sense of purpose can
responsibility for our own lives. On the other hand,
ground us better than anything else.
emotionally supportive friends (or therapists) see us as capable of solving our own problems. They ask questions
So, don’t just wait for this ordeal to be over. Don’t be
that help us focus on what we do want instead of what
resigned to your misery while we wait for a vaccine.
we don’t.
What have you always wanted to do? What outcome are you hoping for? How can you make a real life in this?
In short: To best cope with uncertainty, we need to stop
Live that life.
complaining. When we drop our fi xation on the problem, we can focus on the outcomes we desire. How can we make the best of this mess? What can we gain in this situation? When we take responsibility for our lives, we trade the false power of victimhood for the real power that comes from creating the life we want.
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(925) 826-6397 7. Find meaning in the chaos Social psychologists define meaning, as it applies to our lives, as “an intellectual and emotional assessment of the degree to which we feel our lives have purpose, value, and impact.” We humans are best motivated by our significance to other people. We’ll work harder and longer and better—and feel happier about the work we are doing—when we know that someone else is benefiting from our efforts. For example, teens who provide tangible, emotional,
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or informational support to people in crises tend to feel OCTOBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17
[ DIGITAL SAFETY ] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek, People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail. She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba
How to Protect Kids from Cyber-Bullying by Dr. Michele Borba Mom and Dad, wake up: If you assume your child is using that fancy home computer to stimulate his brain, think again. The hottest new trend has kids using those keyboards to send vile, hateful and highly slanderous messages about their peers through the Internet. Once confined to playgrounds, bullying has hit cyberspace, cell phones and pagers, and it’s both serious and sophisticated. So what should a parent do if their child is cyberbullied? The first step is for parents to be aware of just how prevalent cyberbullying is these days. Where we once thought we just had to protect children from adult predators using the Internet, we now need to shield kids from one another.”
18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
[ DIGITAL SAFETY ] Cyberbullying is most common around the middle school
hurtful.” “Never send anything you wouldn’t want said
years, but is making its way into the younger set. Kids now
about you.”
a days are electronically savvy, but make no mistake: the behavior is all about intentionally causing another pain
5. Save evidence. Tell your child if he ever receives
(bullying), and parents must be far more vigilante. The
something that is hurtful, slanderous, hateful, to save
two biggest mistakes adults make is not taking children’s
or print the message. You may need it to identify the
complaints seriously, and allowing bullying in the first
bully or contact their parents with evidence.
place. 6. Block further communication. If your child is victimized There are some specific ways to protect kids from bullying both in cyberspace and on the playground. Parents today need a closer “electronic leash” on their kids and
change your phone number or e-mail account, and talk to your provider. Contact police for threats of violence and extortion.
need to be more tuned into the cyberspace trend. This isn’t about being controlling–this is good parenting. Here is what to do if your child is cyberbullied:
1. Hold “the talk.” If your child isn’t talking about cyberbullying, don’t assume he hasn’t been affected. Start the discussion: “What have you heard about…?” “What are other kids saying…?” Let your child know you’re aware of this new trend and you are on the
7. Monitor that computer. Keep your computer in a central space and out of your kid’s bedroom.
8. Pull the plug. If your child ever uses a cell phone, pager, answering machine, or fax, to send vicious gossip or hate, remove the electronic gizmo from your kid and pull the computer plug from power surge.
alert and are monitoring your computer. 9. Teach assertive skills. Research finds that kids who 2. State your values. Never assume your child understands why cyberbullying is cruel and wrong. Take time to explain: “In this house we believe in kindness. I expect you to be kind.” Be clear on your values.
learn how to be assertive and appear more confident are less likely to be targeted by bullies. In fact, studies show it’s often not how “different” your child looks or acts but rather her victim-like demeanor that makes her an easy target. So teach your child an arsenal of strategies she can use to defuse a bully and then
3. Dig deeper. Inform school officials or contact the police if it continues. Get the facts so you can
practice with her until she feels confident in using them on her own.
create a safety plan for your child: How often is this happening, when, where, and by whom?
10. Take your child seriously. This is painful stuff and your child needs your empathy and support. Watch your
4. Set clear “electronic” rules. “Never put anything on a cell phone, I-Message, website, email or pager that is
child carefully and tune into his or her emotional signs. Don’t let your child be victimized. OCTOBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19
[ PARENTING ]
How Parents Can Help Teachers Put Their Child on Track to Become Successful Students Ways you can help support your child’s learning by Stratford School Hard work and involvement can ensure a student’s progress Parents of young children are facing two scenarios this fall and possibly throughout the school year. In some parts of the country and in some circumstances, schools are reopening, and children are returning to campus and the classrooms they abruptly left more than six months ago. In much of the country, “return to school” means returning to some form of distance learning – either full time or embedded in a hybrid model of recurring cycles of traditional school and online instruction. That said, school will look different for a while, and there are many things that parents can do to help their children navigate the differences. Minimize morning drama. Build a lifelong habit! Most “return to campus” models include modifications to classroom seating, 20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
[ PARENTING ] fewer opportunities for children to move around during
as most teachers are quite familiar with the work of
the day and interact in “centers” and small groups, and
Benjamin Bloom and Abraham Maslow. Psychologist
new health and safety practices that take some getting
contemporaries, Bloom and Maslow developed
used to. Preparing for school in the morning will likely
frameworks to describe human understanding, but from
take more time and this is something that parents can
different angles. Bloom’s taxonomy describes learning
help manage.
goals, including knowledge, comprehension, and understanding. Maslow describes a hierarchy of needs –
• Getting ready for school will take more time this year
physical and psychological – including safety, belonging,
yet it doesn’t have to be more stressful. Manage the
love, and esteem. “Maslow before Bloom” implies that
added workload by getting as much done the night
basic human essentials need to be addressed before
before. Begin asking your child to make/assemble
learning can occur.
his/her own lunch or clean his backpack, returning to it only what he/she needs for the next day. • Create a staging area in the house where everything
As we embark upon this school year, “Maslow before Bloom” should be every teacher’s and parent’s mantra.
that needs to go to school the next morning –
Whether children are returning to school buildings and
backpack, art project, umbrella, fi lled water bottle,
friends they haven’t seen for six months or embarking on
permission slips, two clean face masks – is ready to
a year of distance learning with a teacher they haven’t
grab on the way out the door.
yet met in person, the fi rst order of business should be building comfort and trust. Trust-building should be a
Music, Art, Team Sports, Competition
priority and developed throughout the year.
Even schools that can open this fall will not be able to accommodate programs and practices that were
• Early in the school year, reach out to your child’s
always good for children – including performing arts and
teacher and introduce yourself and your family. Share
organized sports. Both are ensemble/team endeavors,
family stories, values, your family’s living situation this
and each builds skills and habits of mind not emphasized
fall, your child’s feelings about the return to school.
in other areas of school.
• In the best schools, teachers and parents partner and support each other, and that has never been more
• Encourage your child to learn or continue practicing
important than now. Even if your child is able to return
a musical instrument, working with an instructor
to campus during the day, organized after-school
who can teach online. (I have known kids who have
programs will probably be eliminated or very limited,
learned to play an instrument just by watching how-to
meaning, once again, you will be spending more
YouTube videos!)
time fi lling in the gaps. You and your child’s teacher
• In the absence of organized sports, youngsters can fulfi ll the “activity” piece with daily exercise, inside or
can learn from each other and that amplification of learning benefits your child.
outside. Biking, hiking, roller skating, and running are all great and flexible choices.
Working together, parents and educators can prepare each child for a path to success. After all, as we have
“Maslow before Bloom”
heard, many times it does take a village to make it
One hears this expression a lot in education circles,
happen. OCTOBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21
[ DIGITAL SAFETY ] Douglas Parisi, MPA, is the Director of Training for SafeDefend™. He is a former police captain with over 20 years of service, and he has personal experience with active shooter situations. During 3.5 years as a police academy commander, he obtained extensive training in on-site security, active shooter response and civilian response to hostile events. He is a regular speaker at national conferences and seminars. He has presented at SRO, DARE, human resources departments, school boards, superintendents, public safety programs, sheriff’s associations and other conferences across the Midwest. He has participated in campus safety webinars and conducts interviews with media sources on workplace and campus safety concerns.. Douglas works with schools, businesses and government institutions on policy implementation, crisis response planning and threat mitigation.
Virtual Learning Safety Tips by Douglas B. Parisi Sometimes we forget to take precaution during remote learning because we’re physically at home, but experts say families should make safety a priority, even as kids partake in virtual classes. Here are remote safety tips courtesy of the experts at Safe Defend. The student should be online with their back to the wall Most cameras reveal more information in the background than is often considered by users. There are numerous stories of students, workers, or family members being embarrassed based on stuff left on the floor, open closets, 22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | OCTOBER 2020
[ DIGITAL SAFETY ] reflections in mirrors, or pictures on a wall. This is easily
Also, students should always log out after class, even
avoided by turning the camera to face a wall.
when the teacher ends the meeting.
Natural settings should be the go-to when it comes
Remind Your kids that everything is permanent
to background. Lakes, buildings, trees, and other
Students should be reminded that everything they type
identifying landmarks can reveal a location – which
or do is being recorded. They may feel that no one is
poses threat. Several media personalities have had their
around, but that’s not the case. Bad habits like nose
home addresses revealed by a simple comparison to
picking, thumb sucking, etc will be captured. While
Google maps.
schools do their best to keep this private, it is always possible one of the other students is secretly recording
Another issue is the unintentional photo bomb (parents in the background, younger siblings streaking, or distracting animals). Limiting distractions will only enhance the
the classroom. Even a harmless gesture could be taken out of context, so students should refrain from saying/ typing anything that is questionable.
learning environment for everyone.
If allowed, students can easily create a background to avoid all the above.
Students should not be in their own room The camera reveals too much about the private life of our children. Messy floors, laundry, items left out or other revealing items (such as medications) should not be in view. Having the camera in the bedroom creates too many opportunities for something like this to happen.
Hacking is a problem There have been incidents of meetings being hacked by outsiders- many times perpetrators post inappropriate sexual or violent images, makes disparaging comments about school personnel and spouts racially inflammatory language. Much of these incidents are due to the lax security at the onset of the virtual learning experience. Staff is instructed to post links on websites and send mass emails with multiple log in credentials depending on the class enrolled. Most of these problems have been
Students and parents need to know how to use the
addressed but there will still be breaches. Talk to your
camera/microphone switches for on/off
kids about leaving a meeting if this happens.
A parent should always ask their child to mute the microphone when speaking to them. Also, parents need
As a precaution, students should be told never to share
to be cautious when speaking in case the microphone
any links or emails from the teacher. Even if they think
is on. Saying things like; ‘I’ll be back in a few hours’ or
the recipient is a friend or classmate, all requests to ‘send
‘Enjoy the week, I’ll be on a trip through Wednesday’ can
me the link’ should be directed to the teacher. And
alert unknown observers to the possibility of an empty
finally, when using any shared/public computers, make
house.
sure not to save username or password information. OCTOBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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