Active Family Magazine - November 2015

NOVEMBER 2015

3 WAYS

TO INCREASE

Meaningful Connection this Holiday Season

FOUR

Developments that Drive Success

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Volume 2 / Issue 22

An Open Window To a Bravely Lived Life

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

8

44

14

Preventing Holiday Fatigue

[ SEASONAL ]

[ PARENTING ] Hot Homework Tips For Parents

20

Lean Together

5 Ways To Beat The Holiday Blues

22

Museums in the Bay Area

10

Four Developments That Drive Success

3 Ways To Increase Meaningful Connection This Holiday Season

Products We Love, Turkey on the Tableâ„¢

30 10 Habits to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Child

32 Media Shaming of Children: How Responsible Parents Can Help

26

18

[ EVENTS ]

Services we Love, Beeline Bikes

November Calendar

18

24

Ski Resort Guide

40

36

24 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

40

10

science+sports sports

Sports Performance Lecture Series 2015 FREE AND OPEN TO: • Athletes age 9 to 25 and parents • Youth sports coaches • Athletic trainers • Athletic directors MORE INFO/RSVP: Walnut Creek (925) 979-3420 Oakland (510) 428-3558

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Sports Medicine Center For Young Athletes

Sports Performance Lecture & Hands-on Workshop Schedule 2015 ACL

Nutrition

ACL INJURIES AND PREVENTION IN YOUTH SPORTS Tuesday, September 15, 2015, 7-8 p.m.

Lecture & Hands-On Workshop Walnut Creek Campus

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Design/Production

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Teresa Agnew Craft

Advertising Sales Managers

Ad Design/Production

April Gentry

Lara Mays

Rachel Macy Stafford Anastasia Gavalas Shasta Nelson Amy Morin Katie Hurley Dr. Michele Borba Dr. Christine Carter Dr. Laura Markham Robin Stephens The Growing Room Academy

Marketing Assistant Interns Jaida Sinclair Alexis Faria

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note Fall brings cooler weather, the end of daylight savings, holiday preparation and the typical stress that comes along with it! Hopefully this issue will help to keep things in perspective and remind you to focus on family, joy and gratitude. Always a favorite, Dr. Christine Carter provides wonderful thoughts on ‘Preventing Holiday Fatigue’ on page 20. As she explains, “Gratitude is the key to happiness--especially when we are busy and stressed”. No truer words, but how do we keep it together without losing our minds? Shasta Nelson offers some great ideas on page 26 with ‘3 Ways to Increase Meaningful Connection this Holiday Season’.

Of course taking the time to enjoy your family and not get completely swept away by the hustle and bustle of the holiday season is a must! Check out our jam-packed November calendar on page 24 and our Museum Guide on page 10. Plenty of ideas for quality family time! Remember…that’s what the holidays are all about!

Wishing you and yours an amazing Thanksgiving!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ PARENTING ] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek,People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail.

She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited

by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba

Hot Homework Tips for Parents

by Dr. Michele Borba Ways to Minimize Our Nagging and Maximize Their Learning “Homework time” in many families can be very stressful and tension-filled for both child and parent. Research clearly says doing homework enhances not only children’s learning but also essential skills they will need to succeed in school and in life such as organization, problem solving, attention span, memory, goal-setting and “stick-to-it-ness” Here’s just a few tips to make homework time more successful for your child and you.

• Recognize your role is helper not doer. Sometimes in our quest to help our kids succeed, we may get carried away providing too much help. Make sure he’s doing the work–not you! One of the best self-esteem enhancers is recognizing we’ve done a job we can be proud of. Offering too much help robs your child of those powerful, “I did it!” moments, and he just may be saying to himself instead, “Mom did it for me.”

• Do praise his efforts and not just the “end product.” Kids needs to learn the importance of hard work and effort and homework provides a great opportunity for you to reinforce his perseverance. You might start a family

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ PARENTING ] motto such as “Never Give Up!” or “Don’t quit until you succeed” or “In this family, we finish what we start,” Perhaps the most important trait doing homework instills in our children is perseverance. And the only way they’ll learn to value effort is by our steady emphasis of “it’s not good enough just to start; you have to finish.”

• Insist homework be his responsibility not yours. Resist the temptation of always sitting next to him and offer your help only when it’s really needed. If your child is having difficulties, help him understand the work by making up similar problems and showing him step by step how to do it. Then watch him try to do one on his own. That way you won’t be doing all the work for him.

Asking him to show you his completed work at the end of each row or section is another way to ensure he’s following the directions correctly but not relying on you for every detail.

• Section the assignment in smaller chunks. Chunking assignments into smaller chunks is often helpful for kids who have difficulty sticking to a task, have shorter attention spans, or are overly concerned with making sure “everything’s right.” Then tell your child to do “one

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chunk at a time.” You can even take a short break after completing each chunk. Gradually you can increase the size of the “work chunks” as your child’s confidence increases.

• Consider getting a tutor. If you do find homework battles increasing, you are doing most of your child’s work or your child is having a difficult time mastering the subject despite your help, consider hiring a tutor. Ask your teacher or other parents for recommendations including even a high school student. The goal of homework should always be to enhance your child’s learning abilities and confidence while at the same time preserving the relationship with your child.

• Agree together upon specific times for doing homework ahead of time and then stick to it. You may want to even post your agreement in a visible place and then sign it. Many kids need a break after school, while others like to delve right in. Find your child’s best \ work time and consistently reinforce it. Drawing a clock face that shows the set homework time is helpful for younger children.

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[[ SEASONAL SEASONAL ]FUN ]

Museums

in the Bay Area

ALAMEDA COUNTY Pacific Pinball Museum 1510 Webster Street Alameda 510.769.1349 www.pacificpinball.org Lawrence Hall of Science 1 Centennial Drive Berkeley 510.642.5132 www.lawrencehallofscience.org

The Magnes Collection of Jewish Art and Life 2121 Allston Way Berkeley 510.643.2526 www.magnes.org Phoebe A. Hearst Museum of Antrhopology 103 Kroeber Hall Berkeley 510.642.3682 www.hearstmuseum.berkeley.edu

Children’s Natural History Museum 4074 Eggers Drive Fremont 510.790.6284 www.cnhm.msnucleus.org Chabot Space & Science Center 10000 Skyline Boulevard Oakland 510.336.7300 www.chabotspace.org Oakland Aviation Museum Oakland International Airport Oakland 510.638.7100 www.oaklandaviationmuseum.org Junior Center of Art and Science 558 Bellevue Avenue Oakland 510.839.5777 www.juniorcenter.org Junior Center of Art and Science 558 Bellevue Avenue Oakland 510.839.5777 www.juniorcenter.org Junior Center of Art and Science 558 Bellevue Avenue Oakland 510.839.5777 www.juniorcenter.org

Berkeley Art Museum and Pacific Film Archive 2625 Durant Avenue Berkeley 510.643.0808 www.bampfa.berkeley.edu UC Berkeley Museum of Paleontology 1101 Valley Life Science Building Berkeley 510.642.1821 www.ucmp.berkeley.edu

Habitot Children’s Museum 2065 Kittredge Street Berkeley 510.647.1111 www.habitot.org The Niles Depot 37592 Niles Boulevard Fremont 510.797.4449 www.nilesdepot.org

10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

Museum of Children’s Arts: MOCHA 1625 Clay Street #100 Oakland 510.465.8770 www.mocha.org Oakland Museum of California 1000 Oak Street Oakland 510.318.8400 www.museumca.org

[ SEASONAL [ SEASONAL FUN ] CONTRA COSTA Blackhawk Automotive Museum 3700 Blackhawk Plaza Circle Danville 925.736.2277 www.blackhawkmuseum.org Richmond Art Center 2540 Barrett Avenue Richmond 510.620.6772 www.richmondartcenter.org Walnut Creek Model Railroad Society 2751 Buena Vista Avenue Walnut Creek 925.937.1888 www.wcmrs.org Bedford Gallery 1601 Civic Drive Walnut Creek 925.295.1417 www.bedfordgallery.org

Moffett Field Museum 126 Severyns Avenue Mountain View 650.964.4024 www.moffettfieldmuseum.org

Asian Art Museum 200 Larkin Street San Francisco 415.581.3500 www.asianart.org

OUT OF AREA

Junior Museum & Zoo 1451 Middlefield Road Palo Alto 650.329.2111 www.cityofpaloalto.org

Cartoon Art Museum 655 Mission Street San Francisco 415.227.8666 www.cartoonart.org

Peninsula Museum of Art 1777 California Drive Burlingame 650.692.2101 www.peninsulamuseum.org

Palo Alto Art center 1313 Newell Road Palo Alto 650.329.2366 www.cityofpaloalto.org

De young Museum 50 Hagiwara Tea Garden Drive San Francisco 415.750.3600 www.deyoung.famsf.org

Santa Cruz Children’s Museum of Discovery 1855 41st Avenue Capitola 888.424.8035 www.sccmod.org

Hiller Aviation Museum 601 Skyway Road San Carlos 650.654.0200 www.hiller.org

International Art Museum of America 1025 Market Street San Francisco 415.376.6344 www.iamasf.org

De Anza Fujitsu Planetarium 21250 Stevens Creek Boulevard Cupertino 408.864.8814 www.planetarium.deanza.edu

African American Art & Culture Complex 762 Fulton Street San Francisco 415.922.2049 www.aaacc.org

Museum of Craft and Design 2569 3rd Street San Francisco 415.773.0303 www.sfmcd.org

Japanese Gardens 22325 N 3rd Street Hayward 510.881.6715 www.haywardrec.org

Contemporary Jewish Museum 736 Mission Street San Francisco 415.655.7800 www.thecjm.org

NASA’s Ames Research Center Moffett field Mountain View 650.604.5000 www.nasa.gov/centers/ames/home

Children’s Creativity Museum 221 4th Street San Francisco 415.820.3320 www.creativity.org

Lindsay Wildlife Experience 1931 First Avenue Walnut Creek 925.935.1978 www.lindsaywildlife.org

Palace of the Legion of Honor 100 34th Avenue San Francisco 415.750.3600 www.legionofhonor.famsf.org San Francisco Center for the Book 375 Rhode Island Street San Francisco 415.565.0545 www.sfcb.org

NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

[ SEASONAL ]

Museums

in the Bay Area

San Francisco Children’s Art Center Fort Mason Center San Francisco 415.771.0292 www.childrensartcenter.org San Francisco Museum of Modern Art 151 3rd Street San Francisco 415.357.4000 www.sfmoma.org

San Jose Museum of Quilts and Textiles 520 S 1st Street San Jose 408.971.0323 www.sjquiltmuseum.org Children’s Discovery Museum 180 Woz Way San Jose 408.298.5437 www.cdm.org De Saisset Museum 500 El Camino Real Santa Clara 408.554.4528 www.scu.edu/deSaisset

California Academy of Sciences 55 Music Concourse Drive San Francisco 415.379.8000 www.calacademy.org Exploratorium Pier 15, The Embarcadero San Francisco 415.528.4444 www.exploratorium.edu San Francisco Cable Car Museum 1201 Mason St San Francisco 415.474.1887 www.cablecarmuseum.org

12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

Triton Museum of Art 1505 Warburton Aveue Santa Clara 408.247.3754 www.tritonmuseum.org Santa Cruz Museum of Art and History 705 Front Street Santa Cruz 831.429.1964 www.santacruzmah.org Bay Area Discovery Museum 557 McReynolds Road Sausalito 415.339.3900 www.baykidsmuseum.org

NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Katie Hurley, LCSW, is a child and adolescent psychotherapist and author of The Happy Kid Handbook. Her work can be found on EverydayFamily, Momtastic, mom.me, Yahoo Parenting, PBS Parents and The Huffington Post.

Katie writes the parenting blog, Practical Parenting. Katie splits her time between Los Angeles and the Connecticut coast with her rock and roll husband and their two happy children.

Lean Together

by Katie Hurley, LCSW If I’m being honest, most days, I’m probably leaning sideways.

I’m a full-time mom with two part-time jobs. Two days a week, I throw on my psychotherapist hat and do my best to help ease the worried minds of the children and families that come through my office. When night falls, I’m a writer.

Somewhere in the middle of all of that I am a friend, sibling, daughter, aunt and wife. I’m both exhausted and energized more often than not, but I wouldn’t change a thing. In terms of reaching that elusive work-life balance, I’ve found my happy place.

I am happy with and grateful for the life that I live.

So, while women all over the world are now on a mission to lean in, I’m busy enjoying the life that I have... while leaning sideways.

14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] Although I applaud each and every women who

We have no reason to project our anger or other

reaches for her goals, I’m a little bit dismayed by the way

emotions, but we have every reason to build each other

those goals are often met. Maybe women do need to

up.

lean in a little more, but they also need to stop leaning all over each other to get there.

Together, we can spilt childcare to reach for opportunity, provide relief when someone is struggling and find our

What women really need to do is lean together.

Bullying among women certainly isn’t a new concept.

With text messaging, social media and the pressure to be perfect it has taken on new meaning and gained steam at an alarming rate, but it certainly isn’t new.

Whether it involves manipulative behavior to get ahead in the workplace, sarcasm-laced judgment and criticism in the carpool lane or the latest version of the so-called “Mommy Wars” (are we over that Dove

way to whatever version of the work-life balance works for each of us. Together, we can build a generation of women who are both supportive of one another and a force to be reckoned with in the workplace.

To do this, we have to stop fighting. We have to stop bullying, online and otherwise. We have to stop judging every career move and parenting decision and stop personalizing everything we see and hear.

beauty campaign, moms? Can I tell my daughter that

It’s time to stand up to the psychological warfare that

she looks beautiful today?), women have engaged in

keeps women down.

psychological warfare since, well, probably forever.

It’s time to lean together so that we no longer need Often, women lash out when their self-esteem is low or

to worry about how we can possibly find the time and

when they feel threatened by another. Sometimes, it’s

energy lean in.

a function of jealousy or misplaced anger. The pressure to be the perfect mother, wife, colleague and friend certainly doesn’t help.

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But the external pressure that women might feel has nothing on the pressure we put on ourselves. We dissect every little thing we see and hear. We compare ourselves to those around us without even knowing what kind of life others might actually be living.

The grass is always greener, ladies, in work, in marriage and in motherhood. Well, the grass is always different, anyway.

It’s time for women to lean together and take a stand.

If we choose to help each other out—to support one another in our dreams, our parenting and even our marriages, we can finally stop arguing.

Judgment, criticism and sarcasm leave everyone on both ends feeling a bit defeated. Lashing out in anger might provide momentary relief, but later leads to guilt

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Working with their parents, Dr. Shelby and her staff have been successful treating many children who otherwise might have been sedated. In addition, Dr. Shelby has a degree in Orthodontics so as her patients grow, the transition into braces is more comfortable. Seeing the smiles on the faces of her patients as they grow from tiny tots to confident teens is one of the great joys of her life.

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[ SEASONAL ]

Products

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Giving Thanks & Giving Back www.turkeyonthetable.com On a mission to help their families

is better and more is never enough,”

local food bank for each meal, and

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says Kerry Maunus, co-creator and

we would love to help provide a

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In addition to promoting gratitude,

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[ SEASONAL ]

Services

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Beeline Bikes www.beelinebikes.com Beeline Bikes is the most convenient bike shop - a full retail experience on wheels. Instead of loading bikes in the car and driving across town, have the bike shop come to you. Beeline Bikes friendly mechanics provide expert service and work on all types of bikes. Additionally, Beeline Bikes offers a full complement of parts and accessories, and even new bikes. You can sign up for an appointment at www.beelinebikes.com or by calling 855-582-4537.

BEELINE BIKES GIFT CARD GIVEAWAY! Email: info@activefamilymag.com with ‘Bikes’ in subject line to win a $50 gift card!

NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

[ PARENTING ]

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

Preventing Holiday Fatigue by by Dr. Christine Carter Gratitude is the key to happiness--especially when we are busy and stressed.

We are entering into the “happiest time of year”—we hope. It’s certainly the season in which we feel the most compelled to be “merry.”

But many parents I know are already starting to feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of holiday-related tasks and traditions ahead. I know I’ve got to start thinking about holiday cards, teacher gifts, the five—OMG, five! what was I thinking?—holiday parties I’m hosting, getting a tree, working out gifts ... and that doesn’t even begin to cover some of our special family traditions around the

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

[ PARENTING ]

holidays. Will we go see the Nutcracker this year? Make

we are grateful, then share that thought with the other

my grandmother’s spritz cookies? Have breakfast with

person. Or keep it to yourself, if you’re feeling shy (or

Santa in the town where I grew up? What day will we celebrate Hanukkah with our friends? Where will we spend New Year’s Eve?

don’t want to seem like you’re bragging). Either way, taking that moment for gratitude is likely to give you a happiness boost and slightly improve the emotional tone

Excuse me while I stop writing this post. I need to go

of your holiday season.

shopping for Thanksgiving dinner (I’m hosting).

Before you, too, start to freak out, let’s all take a moment.

2. Simplify, simplify, simplify

There IS a way to enjoy this season; see below for my

Make this season about friends, family, and giving

holiday burnout prevention plan.

back to others—not about purchasing, wrapping, and

1. Start with gratitude. The key to a happy holiday season is right in front of us: There is, of course, a holiday dedicated to gratitude this month.

distributing gifts. Materialism and consumption are NOT happiness habits. Loads of presents will not make this season memorable for your children—but your family traditions will.

Use Thanksgiving as a time to give thanks for people in your life. In our family, we appreciate each other by writing on our dinner table place cards. The kids make

3. Remember what matters

giant construction paper place cards for each guest,

‘Tis the season to help others, and to give our children

and as people arrive and mingle, we ask everyone to

the opportunity to experience how much better it feels

set aside time to write on the inside of each place card something that they love or appreciate about that person.

to give than to receive. (It’s true! Research shows that we get a bigger happiness boost by spending on someone else than we do by receiving a gift.)

Then, after Thanksgiving, use this season to consciously weave gratitude into your daily interactions, using the common question “How are you?” as a trigger to practice gratitude.

This year, establish family tradition that gives kids a chance to give back to their community, or to help others. My kids and I are putting together “care kits” for

Here’s what I mean. Say you run into another parent at the school winter performance. “How’s it going?” she asks.

If you are like me, you’ll be tempted to tell her 1,000 ways

the homeless people who live near where we go for a big tree lighting and some ice skating in San Francisco.

And the BigHeartedFamily.org website suggests TONS of great activities for kids of any age to help others.

that you are busy. And she’ll counter with another 10 billion ways that she, also, is busy, busy, busy. And you’ll both start to feel a bit overwhelmed.

What matters most are other people, and the ways that we love them. This is the most wonderful time of year for

But we can change how we feel by using “How are

reconnecting with our friends and family, and for telling

you?” as a prompt to reflect on something for which

them what we appreciate most about them.

NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, psychology instructor, and speaker. Her book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do is on sale now. She’s frequently quoted in national media outlets.

She also writes for Forbes and About.com. For more visit AmyMorinLCSW.com

5 Ways To Beat The Holiday Blues

by Amy Morin The weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year’s aren’t always the most wonderful time of year. A recent Virginia Pulse survey reports that 70% of respondents said they’re more stressed during the holidays.

For some, the hustle and bustle from one festivity to the next makes for a stressfilled season. For others, an eerie silence and lack of activity serves as a tangible reminder of the absence of loved ones throughout the holidays. And for many entrepreneurs and people working in the retail industry, the holidays trigger a major increase in workload that means less time to spend with family.

If you find yourself experiencing the holiday blues this year, make the best of the season with these five strategies: 22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] 1. Establish realistic expectations. Real life usually bears

packaged with ribbons, it’ll be okay.

little resemblance to magazine photos or Hallmark movies. Avoid comparing your holiday season to the

Rather than focus on how things ‘should be,’ enjoy

seemingly magical celebrations you see other families

the present for what it is. Take time to look around,

enjoying on TV or over social media. Doing so can

enjoy the scenery, and savor the moment. The holiday

lead to the notion that somehow your celebration,

season only comes once a year and it’ll be gone in the

decorations, or festivities don’t measure up.

twinkle of an eye. So whether you’re able to squeeze in a few minutes to listen to your favorite holiday song,

Trying to squeeze too much shopping, celebrating,

or you just take a little time to stare at the logs in the

and family tradition into a few short weeks can result in

fire, be mindful of what’s going on right now without

much unnecessary stress. Create realistic expectations

worrying about all the things that you ‘should have

about how much you plan to get done. Establish

done’ or ‘need to do.’

priorities and avoid overscheduling your time.

4. Create a plan to improve the season. A lack of a 2. Acknowledge your feelings. The assumption that

festive attitude doesn’t mean you have to surrender

everyone is ‘supposed to’ be happy during the

yourself to a terrible holiday season. Proactively make

holidays leads some people to deny experiencing

the best of your situation by carefully monitoring your

any negative emotions. Despite feeling anxious and

choices. If you’re overwhelmed by too much activity,

overwhelmed, they masquerade behind a fake smile

practice saying no. Setting limits can prevent you from

as they try to keep up false pretenses of holiday cheer.

overscheduling yourself only to feel resentful of others

But pretending you aren’t stressed or ignoring your

who are taking up your time.

loneliness won’t help the situation.

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself, actively choose to If you’re struggling with uncomfortable emotions,

do something nice for other people. Rather than stay

don’t resign yourself to a miserable holiday season.

home alone, serve meals at a soup kitchen or donate

Acknowledge your feelings and make a choice about

toys to children in need. Doing so can keep your

how to respond to them. You have the power to

problems in perspective as you exchange self-pity for

change how you feel by changing the way you think

gratitude.

and behave.

5. Take care of yourself. A lack of exercise, overeating, 3. Change the way you think about the holidays. The

increased alcohol consumption, and reduced sleep

way you think about the holidays directly influences

during the holidays can be a recipe for an emotional

the way you feel. Thinking about your activities in terms

roller coaster. It’s impossible to be mentally strong if

of all the things you “have to” do – whether it involves

you’re not caring for yourself physically.

spending time with family you don’t particularly enjoy or buying gifts with money you don’t have – the worse

Invest time and energy into taking steps to manage

you’ll feel. Remind yourself that as an adult, you don’t

your physical health, despite the chaos during the

actually “have to” do anything for the holidays. It’s all

holiday season. Simple strategies – like going for a walk

a choice and if you don’t get around to baking your

or going to sleep a little earlier than usual – can be key

usual holiday cookies, or the gifts aren’t all perfectly

to managing your emotions during the holidays.

NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ EVENTS ]

November NOVEMBER 11

NOVEMBER 19

M.O.M.’s Reading Time Museum on Main Street Pleasanton 10:00am – 11:00am www.museumonmain.org

Animal Feeding Ardenwood Historic Farm Fremont 3:00pm – 3:30pm www.ebparks.org

NOVEMBER 13

NOVEMBER 21

Free First Sunday Museum of Oakland California Oakland 10:00am – 6:00pm www.museumca.org

Frieda Nights @ OMCA Oakland Museum of California Oakland 5:00pm – 9:00pm www.museumca.org/friday-nightsomca

Super Saturdays Valley Children’s Museum Dublin 11:00am – 3:00pm www.valleychildrensmuseum.org

NOVEMBER 2

NOVEMBER 14

Alameda County NOVEMBER 1 Your Song My Song Freight & Salvage Coffeehouse Berkeley 11:00am www.thefreight.org/your-song-my-song

Day of the Dead Celebration 1400 Block Shattuck Avenue Berkeley 5:00pm – 9:00pm www.anotherbullwinkelshow.com/ day-of-dead/

NOVEMBER 3 & 4 LEGO Store Monthly Mini Model Build The Lego Store Pleasanton 5:00pm – 6:00pm www.stores.lego.com

NOVEMBER 6 – 7 Family/Small Group Live-Aboard USS Hornet Museum Alameda 12:00am – 12:00am www.uss-hornet.org/groups/ overnightfamily/index.shtml

NOVEMBER 7, 14, 21 & 28 FREE Family Dance Classes in Oakland Luna Dance Institute Oakland 10:30am – 2:30pm Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

www.lunadanceinstitute.org/currentschedule-mpact

NOVEMBER 8 Teddy Bear Tea With Friends Oakland Zoo Oakland 9:30am – 12:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

Berkeley Symphony Malcolm X Elementary Berkeley 10:00am & 11:30am www.berkeleysymphony.org Annual California Indian Market Oakland Museum of California Oakland 10:00am – 4:00pm www.museumca.org Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Freight & Salvage Berkeley 11:00am www.bactheatre.org

NOVEMBER 15 FREE Family Weekend Workshop Alameda Free Library Alameda 2:00pm – 3:00pm www.mocha.org Curiosity Hacked Open Lab 6036 Telegraph Avenue Oakland 2:00pm – 5:00pm www.curiosityhacked.org/oakland/ openlab.html

Family Bird Walk 2 Marshlands Road Fremont 2:00pm – 4:00pm www.fws.gov

NOVEMBER 26

THANKSGIVING Contra Costa NOVEMBER 3, 10, 17 & 24 Off The Grid Walnut Creek Downtown Walnut Creek 5:00pm – 9:00pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com

NOVEMBER 4 Walnut Creek First Wednesday Cypress Street Walnut Creek 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com

NOVEMBER 6 The Music of Octopretzel Village Theatre Danville 10:00am www.villagetheatreshows.com

NOVEMBER 7 2015 Ski, Board & Bike Swap 501 Danville Blvd Danville 10:00am – 4:00pm www.skiboardbikeswap.com

[ EVENTS ]

November NOVEMBER 8

NOVEMBER 20 - 29

NOVEMBER 21 - 22

Family Day at Sienna Ranch Sienna Ranch Lafayette 12:00am – 4:00pm www.siennaranch.net/special-events/ family-day/

All Aboard the Diablo Valley Lines Larkey Park Walnut Creek Various Times www.wcmrs.org

Pier 39 Tree Lighting Pier 39 San Francisco 6:00pm www.pier39.com

NOVEMBER 12

NOVEMBER 20, 21, 27, 28 & 29

THANKSGIVING

Book Babies Lafayette Library and Learning Center Lafayette 10:15am – 10:45am www.ccclib.org

Beauty And The Beast Village Theater Danville Various Times www.villagetheatreshows.com

NOVEMBER 14 National Test Day for New SAT Walnut Creek Library Walnut Creek 10:00am – 1:00pm www.ccclib.org

NOVEMBER 16 Mini Monday Lindsay Wildlife Experience Walnut Creek 10:00am – 12:00pm www.lindsaywildlife.org

NOVEMBER 17 Germar the Magician Danville Library Danville 4:00pm – 5:00pm www.ccclib.org

NOVEMBER 20 FREE Friday Lindsay Wildlife Experience Walnut Creek 10:00am – 5:00pm www.lindsaywildlife.org

NOVEMBER 20 - 21 Holiday Dance Program Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 8:00pm www.lesherartscenter.org

NOVEMBER 26

THANKSGIVING

NOVEMBER 26

Out of Area NOVEMBER 6 – 8 Steam Carnival Pier 48 at AT&T Park San Francisco 10:00am – 10:00pm www.steamcarnival.com

NOVEMBER 7 Discovery Day At AT&T Park AT&T Park San Francisco 11:00am – 5:00pm www.bayareascience.org

NOVEMBER 13 Here Comes Santa Claus Serramonte Center Daly City 5:30pm www.serramontecenter.com

NOVEMBER 13 - 14 Penguins and Pajamas Sleep Over California Academy of Sciences San Francisco 6:00pm – 8:00am www.calacademy.org

NOVEMBER 20 Building Lighting Ceremony and Carnival Embarcadero Center San Francisco 4:00pm – 7:00pm www.embarcaderocenter.com

NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Shasta Nelson, M.Div., is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship matching site in 35 cities across the U.S. and Canada.

Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her book Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends.

She also writes at ShastasFriendshipBlog.com and in the Huffington Post, speaks across the country, and is a friendship expert in the media appearing on such shows as Katie Couric and the Today Show. Twitter: @girlfrndcircles

3 Ways to Increase Meaningful Connection this Holiday Season

by Shasta Nelson The caricature of women during the holiday season is one of a frazzled, exhausted, pressure-filled, and over-extended woman. I’m not entirely sure how true that is anymore? I’m holding out hope that we’re getting better at picking the events that matter, saying no to credit card debt, and letting go of the belief that we have to send cards and throw a party and hide the elf every night and make homemade cookies and buy everyone a present. I’m hoping…

But even if we’re not frazzled from over-commitment, it’s far too easy to let the holidays whiz by without really sinking in to meaningful moments.

Here are three ways to help increase your sense of connection this holiday season: 1) Initiate Meaningful Sharing. Far more important than scheduling time to be with friends and family, is making sure that real sharing happens. I do this most often by saying, “Let’s all share one highlight from this month (or week) so far and one low-light,” to ensure that everyone gets to share about the subjects of their choosing and to help keep the conversation real.

But another idea that’s especially good for groups of people not used to sharing

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] is to put a bunch of meaningful questions in a jar and during dinner announce that tonight we’ll each draw a question to answer. This extends the meal time and keeps everyone laughing and connecting longer. I’m keeping a jar on my table all month-long for everyone who comes over!

maybe even somebody where there has been some tension between the two of you. The point is to just pick one person who pops into your head and find a way to really connect.

The gift of this is that everything else on your list will feel urgent, with a time-stamp to it, but that doesn’t

Questions could include:

mean they are all things we’d list as “most important”; whereas this connection isn’t urgent at all (the reason

• What is one thing that surprised you in a good way, an unexpected gift, that you’re grateful happened?

• What is one thing that you’re really, really, really proud of from this last year… something that matters to you that we can celebrate with you?

• What’s an area of your life (i.e. work, health, hobbies, relationship) that has been really energizing and fulfilling for you. What contributes to that feeling?

• What is one thing happening in your life right now that gives you hope?

• If you had to give the last year a name/chapter title— what might it be and why?

• What are three unique (not the typical “God/Family/ Health) things in your life that you’re really grateful for?

A little note on this before I go onto the next idea. It’s common to feel a little weird doing this and that’s okay. I just tell myself that making sure everyone leaves feeling seen and heard matters way more to me than whether it will feel normal, comfortable or easy on me, or anyone else. I used to try to guess whether a certain family member would think it was stupid or whether so-and-so would actually share—I’ve been doing this long enough now to conclude that most people prefer meaningful conversation to small talk, everyone wants to be seen, and that it’s a gift to all of us to have some structure that provides permission and expectation to share. Courage to you!

2) Choose One Person You Miss. Ask yourself who you miss having more regularly in your life and commit to connecting with them this month. It could be a faraway friend whom you decide you will Skype or call with… no matter what. It could be someone locally that you just haven’t seen enough of recently whom you call and say, “You are my priority this month. My month won’t be complete without being with you, so name the time and place and I’ll come to you… I want to spend time with you.” Or, it could be an aging family member, someone you’ve drifted apart from, or

you’ve let it slide until now) but you’re claiming it’s importance and choosing to make it urgent. You’re deciding that it is indeed urgent to make sure that this season has a deeper connection as part of your celebration. Initiate today… and be completely committed to finding the time to catch up and affirm and love on one person you miss.

3) Pick Presence for One Event. In an ideal world, we’d be truly present to every single event– decorating ginger-bread houses, the kids choir concert, shopping with your mom, signing the Christmas cards—but the truth is that many “fun” things don’t capture 100% of our attention. So let’s not claim we can do it all season, but let’s intentionally pick one that matters. Look at your calendar and say, “For this event… I am going to soak it up!” And then really be as present as you can be: choose to find the magic, watch their faces, add music, dance and laugh, pause and breathe deep, communicate your love, receive everything available to you in those moments.

In this exercise we’re not worrying about updating our social media pages, we’re not hurrying everyone along, we’re not more focused on the logistics than the people, and we’re not quick to temper. Quite the opposite, we are cherishing as much as we can, holding gratitude, inhaling deeply, and smiling.

When we get to January– we want to look back and remember that we were there at that event.

In choosing to do these two of these three things, we’re not really adding more time to our month– we’re simply infusing the things we’re already doing with meaning.

We are making sure that for as intentional as we are about getting through our list of tasks that we’re also making sure that we’re intentional about the outcome of those tasks. For what’s the point of filling up the calendar if not to also fill up our hearts?

NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

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NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

[ PARENTING ]

Anastasia is a parent coach, awardwinning author, internationally recognized speaker, Huffington Post blogger, and mother of five.

With over two decades of real life experience, Anastasia’s proven success is based on balance and results. She teaches parents how to create healthier lives and find the happiness they desire. She shares innovative strategies and new perspectives that put an end to uncertainty and stress and, lead her clients to success.

Her Wing It™ philosophy helps modern day families build strong foundations, rebalance their lives, and launch happy, independent children.

Anastasia is the author of the award-winning book, Leadership Through the Eyes of Children, and WING IT: 6 Simple Steps to Succeed as a Modern Day Parent.

She is the founder of the WING IT Project, a non-profit that funds educational opportunities for children locally and globally, and co-creator of Hamptons Wellness Week. She provides private parent coaching as well as speaking at small or large gatherings about making modern parenthood easier and rebalancing family life in today’s world.

Anastasia has also been featured in multiple media outlets such as TLC Network, The New York Times, ABC Family Television, The Huffington Post, Well + Good, Hamptons Magazine, NBC Television, KIWI Magazine, Parenting, ZLiving Television, MSN.com, Sheknows, Parents Magazine, ivillage, Live It Up Show, News 12 Long Island, eHow, San Diego Family, Metro Family, and Everyday Family.

Four Developments that Drive Success

by Anastasia Gavalas Did you ever notice a child who runs faster than his peers in every activity?

How about the three-year old who spells incessantly? These examples provide a glimpse of two easily recognizable developments in children. Both of them are essential to a child’s advancement. However, intellectual and physical developments aren’t the only areas parents should focus on as their children grow. There are two more maturations vital to the expansion and deepening of individual life experiences. Those who are conscious of the different developments, and are able to provide appropriate guidance absent of fear, significantly impact a child’s overall primary developmental success.

In order for children to mature properly and reach their potential, parents must remain accepting and supportive regardless of the varying progress exhibited.

No two children develop at the same time, rate, or manner. They mature and proceed at various stages and paces within the different areas of development throughout childhood. If the goal is to raise smart, caring, successful, responsible people then parents must be aware of how their children are developing without forcing unnatural advancements. How well a child develops is based on if they are able to tap into their innate curiosities and abilities as they grow, learn, and gain confidence. This emerges whenever a child has people around them who remain open-minded and supportive regardless of what is happening with their peers or in the global world.

30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ PARENTING ] The areas of development that are most prominent in childhood are intellectual and physical. And, even though intellectual development is one that most people hold in high regard, to focus solely on intellect is detrimental to an individual’s evolution.

Physical development is another area often scrutinized during a child’s early years. Intellectual and physical developments have a strong correlation to one another that helps children acquire greater life experiences then when considered independent of one another. When intellectual and physical developments are supported equally, along with the latter two, individuals yield the healthiest progress.

Emotional development is just as significant as the previous ones and requires similar attention. Thankfully, the importance of emotional intelligence has been recognized in recent decades both in schools and the work force. A person’s skillfulness in navigating life with the ability to express themself properly and recognize people’s emotions has proven advantageous.

A collaboration of the three areas of development: intellectual, physical, and emotional, creates a strong platform that yields great potential. However, there’s a fourth area of development that is commonly ignored in childhood and often tapped into later in life by people

who want to expand their understanding.

The fourth development, which is spiritual, is essential in generating the best possible outcomes and true fulfillment. This concept is critical in helping individuals navigate life as well as spark an understanding of selfmotivation and purpose. Spiritual insight is the balm that helps unite intellectual advancement, physical maturity, and emotional awareness thus, propelling individuals to flourish in their developmental progress.

A child’s overall development is a direct response to the environment in which they live. It’s the evolution and synchronization of all four developments that creates meaningful connections and greater chances for success. Children have an innate ability to move fluidly throughout their development when their upbringings do not stifle them. Parents need to remain open as they provide children a variety of opportunities that help encourage their individual paths. Individuals who have that support and actively engage in life can reach a balance as they magnificently progress through all four areas of development, ultimately reaching their potential.

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[ PARENTING ]

10 Habits to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Child

by Dr. Laura Markham “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance.

We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”

—Virginia Satir Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

We all crave those close moments with our children that make our hearts melt. Connection is as essential to us parents as it is to our children. When our relationship is strong, it’s also sweet -- so we receive as much as we give. That’s what makes parenting worth all the blood, sweat and tears.

That connection is also the only reason children willingly follow our rules. Kids who feel strongly connected to their parents WANT to cooperate. They trust us to know what’s best for them, to be on their side. I hear regularly from parents that everything changes once they focus on connecting, not just correcting.

But we’re only human. There are days when all we can do is meet our

32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ PARENTING ] children’s most basic needs: Feed them, bathe them,

“Little Gorilla, it’s time for breakfast -- Look, you have

keep an encouraging tone, hug them, and get them to

bugs and bananas on your oatmeal!”

sleep at a reasonable hour so we can do it all over again tomorrow. Given that parenting is the toughest job on

4. Turn off technology when you interact with your child.

earth -- and we often do it in our spare time, after being

Really. Your child will remember for the rest of his life that

separated all day -- the only way to keep a strong bond

he was important enough to his parents that they turned

with our children is to build in daily habits of connection.

off phones and music to listen to him. This is particularly

What kinds of habits?

important in the car, because the lack of eye contact in a car takes the pressure off, so kids (and adults) are more

1. Aim for 12 hugs (or physical connections) every day.

likely to open up and share.

Hug your child first thing in the morning, when you say goodbye, when you’re re-united, at bedtime, and often

5. Special time.

in between. If your tween or teen rebuffs your advances

Every day, 15 minutes with each child, separately.

when she first walks in the door, realize that with older

Alternate doing what your child wants and doing what

kids you have to ease into the connection. Get her

you want. On her days, just pour your love into her and

settled with a cool drink, and chat as you give a foot rub.

let her direct. On your days resist the urge to structure

(Seem like going above and beyond? It’s a foolproof

the time with activities. Instead, play therapeutic

way to hear what happened in her life today. You’ll find

“games” to help your child with whatever issues are “up”

yourself glad, many times, if you have that high on your

for her.

priority list.)

6. Welcome emotion.

2. Connect before transitions.

Sure, it’s inconvenient. But your child needs to express

Kids have a hard time transitioning from one thing to

his emotions or they’ll drive his behavior. So accept the

another. If you look her in the eye, use her name, and

meltdowns, don’t let the anger trigger you, and welcome

play a bit to get her giggling, you’ll fill her cup and make

the tears and fears that always hide behind the anger.

sure she has the inner resources to manage herself

Remember that you’re the one he trusts enough to cry

through a transition. For instance, mornings go much

with, and breathe your way through it. Afterwards, he’ll

easier when you start with a five minute snuggle upon

feel more relaxed, cooperative, and closer to you. (Yes,

awakening to help your child transition from sleep into

this is really, really hard. Regulating our own emotions

the executive functions of dressing and teeth brushing.

is the hardest part of parenting. But that doesn’t mean we’re excused from trying.)

3. Play.

Laughter and rough-housing keep you connected with

7. Listen, and Empathize.

your child by stimulating endorphins and oxytocin in both

Connection starts with listening. Bite your tongue if you

of you. Making playfulness a daily habit also gives your

need to, except to say

child a chance to work through the anxieties and upsets that otherwise make him feel disconnected -- and more

“Wow!....I see....Really?...How was that for you?...Tell me

likely to act out. And play helps kids want to cooperate.

more...”

Which is likely to work better: The habit of seeing things from your child’s perspective “Come eat your breakfast now!”

will ensure that you treat her with respect and look for win/win solutions. It will help you see the reasons for

or

behavior that would otherwise drive you crazy. And it NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33

[ PARENTING ] will help you regulate your own emotions so when your

snapped at her this morning, or her worries about

buttons get pushed and you find yourself in “fight or

tomorrow’s field trip. Do you have to resolve her problem

flight,” your child doesn’t look so much like the enemy.

right then? No. Just listen. Acknowledge feelings.

Reassure your child that you hear her concern, and that

8. Slow down and savor the moment.

together you’ll solve it, tomorrow. The next day, be sure

Share the moment with your child: let him smell the

to follow up. You’ll be amazed how your relationship with

strawberries before you put them in the smoothie. Put your hands in the running water together and share the cool rush of the water. Smell his hair. Listen to his laughter.

Look him in the eyes. Connect in the magnificence of the present moment. Which is really the only way we can connect. (For most parents, this is also the secret to being able to tolerate playing that same game, yet again.)

9. Bedtime snuggle and chat.

your child deepens. And don’t give this habit up as your child gets older. Late at night is often the only time teens will open up.

10. Show up.

Most of us go through life half-present. But your child has only about 900 weeks of childhood with you before he leaves your home. He’ll be gone before you know it. Try

Set your child’s bedtime a wee bit earlier with the

this as a practice: When you’re engaged with your child,

assumption that you’ll spend some time visiting and

just be right here, right now. You won’t be able to do it

snuggling in the dark. Those companionable, safe

all the time. But if you do it every day for a bit, you’ll find

moments of connection invite whatever your child is

yourself doing it more and more. Because you’ll find it

currently grappling with to the surface, whether it’s

creates those moments with your child that make your

something that happened at school, the way you

heart melt.

34 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ TRAVEL ]

NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 35

[ PARENTING ]

Robin Stephens of The Growing Room Academy holds a bachelor’s degree in Human Development and Family Studies with a focus on early childhood/adolescent development, family systems, and socio-cultural perspectives of the family. As a Certified Simplicity Parenting Coach©, Robin provides personal family coaching and facilitates parenting workshops for schools and parent organizations. She also is involved in youth advocacy organizations providing support for LGBTQ youth and their families.

Media Shaming of Children: How Responsible Parents can Help

by Robin Stephens Forget sociological and cultural strides in modern society. Public shaming is back with a vengeance and social media is the new Public Square. While adults certainly fall within the purview of media shaming, it is children, at the hands of their own parents, who are the growing victims.

What are a growing number of parents doing when their child posts provocative pictures on Facebook or breaks rules regarding social media?

Some parents have found (what they believe) an effective solution to their child’s inappropriate and often embarrassing behavior. They take to social media themselves, using Facebook and Youtube to publicly flog and shame their children into submission. Parents are using social media as a way to punish their children, taking public shaming to unprecedented heights. Public shaming has become a 21st century disciplinarian tactic.

What Constitutes Child Abuse?

Corporal punishment for children, such as caning, whipping, and even some forms of spanking would be identified as child abuse by today’s standards. Studies have determined that physical punishment makes kids more aggressive, encourages a cycle of abuse, and is associated with mood disorders, as well as alcohol and drug dependency. Today’s society views these acts of physical discipline as child abuse.

But what of punishment that equates to emotional child abuse? As a society we need to be aware of the long-lasting effects of emotional scarring. Yet,

36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ PARENTING ] while many mental health and child development professionals are educating parents about the profound differences between shame and guilt in child-raising, we are seeing an influx of parents public shaming their children on social media. They do this in the name of discipline: discipline that they believe befitting of the infraction. This last summer has seen an influx of troubling incidences, one in particular with devastating effects.

Media Shaming in the News In May of this year, a Denver mother posted a video on Facebook publicly shaming her 13 year-old daughter for posing as a 19 year-old wearing only a bra and lacy panties. In the five minute, forty-one second video the mother states, “Don’t cry now,” “You wasn’t crying when you was posting pictures on Facebook, was you? Some little girl in some lace panties that you know you don’t own. You still wear panties that say Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.” Within less than a week the video had been viewed 9 million times was shared approximately 300,000 times. The mother was wildly supported on social media topping out at 5000 friends.

In June, 13 year-old, Izabel Laxamana, who had been struggling with depression and bullying, killed herself just days after her father publicly shamed her on YouTube.

Similar to the example above, the youth had taken selfies wearing a sports bra and leggings and sent the image to a boy at school. Having forbid the use of social media for his daughter, the father took to the social media platform, himself, to teach her a lesson. He videoed himself cutting off her long hair as punishment. The video went viral at school. School officials became aware of the video and child protective services were called in.

While it is impossible to know the details that led to her suicide, a deeply humiliating public shaming may have contributed to her death.

There are countless other examples of parents publicly shaming their kids via social media; however, humiliation parenting often times has nothing to do with punishment, but with poor judgment and bad taste. Many parents post compromising videos of their toddlers replete with objectionable narration. These unfortunate videos become digital artifacts: an artifact that even if removed has the ability of resurfacing again and again.

The Dangers of Shaming Humiliating children under any circumstances is unacceptable. These harmful acts inflict severe emotional pain: the outcome is shame. Shame is

crippling to the human spirit. Clinical Psychologist, Gershen Kaufman, Ph.D. states, “Shame is the most disturbing experience that a child can ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within.” Shame has long-term effects that influence literally every area of a child’s life.

What Can Concerned Parents Do? Social media has created a voyeuristic society. At that very moment we view a video we find abhorrent, we are, indeed, part of the problem. We have become bystanders and spectators accustomed to expressing our like or dislike merely in terms of a virtual “thumbs up or down” or through a dissenting comment. Criticizing these parents via social media communication mechanisms is not enough: parents need to be proactive. It is our collective preoccupation with social media that has provided the critical mass for 21st century public shaming. It will be through those same collective efforts that we will be able to put a stop to it.

Send Clear Messages to Facebook and Video Hosting Sites.

When we happen upon these offensive videos with millions of views, we need not only flag them as “objectionable content”, but identify them for what they are: child abuse. Facebook and Youtube have ways to report objectionable material; however, site users need to demand a system for flagging videos that contain child abuse in the form of public shaming.

Measures and guidelines need to be enacted to perform a fast track review of these videos. In addition to these safeguards, protocols need to be in place to call upon child protection services or law enforcement when the content is violent, and abusive physically or emotionally.

Educate Children Parents can educate their own children about the importance of reporting abusive videos. Keeping an open line of communication with your children regarding their social media habits and experiences is a good practice. Talk to your children about the dangers of this kind of media shaming. Encouraging them not to participate and to notify you or servers when they encounter abusive videos will help them become responsible digital citizens.

Support Responsible Parenting There are some parents pushing back. A Florida father, Wayman Greshman, used Facebook to take a creative NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 37

[ PARENTING ] stand against the sudden onslaught of public shaming.

He gave the viewers the impression he was the next in a steady stream of parents to publicly humiliate their noncompliant children. He claimed he was going to give his son “…a bald-head messed-up haircut” because “I am unhappy with him”. Instead, he hugs his son and states, “There is no way in the world I would ever embarrass my son like that. It doesn’t take all of that. Good parenting starts before he even gets to the point of being out of control.” The video had been watched over 19 million times in a week with parents overwhelmingly praising his critique of shaming children online.

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Shaming children is not discipline at all. It is a loss of control and a display of irresponsible and immature parenting. Much like abusive physical discipline, those who shame their children are repeating generational cycles.

Child abuse in virtual space is as destructive as it is in physical space. As citizens we have rallied to bring awareness to cyberbullying and the emotional harm it causes our children. Protecting children when the bullies are their own parents needs to be a societal priority as well.

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[ SEASONAL ]

Ski Resort

Guide

Dodge Ridge 1 Dodge Ridge Road Pinecrest, CA 95364 (209) 965-3474 www.dodgeridge.com 67 Runs Dodge Ridge is pleased to offer the Burton Learn to Ride (LTR) program for kids. LTR is designed to welcome new riders to the sport and encourage those already in the sport. Kids will learn through terrain based teaching methodology on equipment specifically designed for rider’s first learning or still finding the rhythm to their ride.

Lessons start age 2 and up.

Mammoth 1 Minaret Road Mammoth Lakes, CA 93546 (800) 626-6684 www.mammothmountain.com 46 Runs Whether you’re new to the slopes or just looking to fine-tune your technique, group lessons are a great way to develop your skills. Our friendly instructors are certified and extremely knowledgeable so you progress quickly. Group lessons also serve as a great social gathering, as you explore the mountain with other students of your same age and ability. Ages 3-13.

For onsite childcare, check out Wooly’s Forest! Two locations, one for infant to 6, additional site for kids 2-6.

Heavenly 3860 Saddle Road South Lake Tahoe, CA 96150 (800) 432-8365 www.skiheavenly.com 97 Runs Have a budding ski/ride lover in your family?

From trips to the enchanted forest, visits from Ripperoo the dog and loads of hot chocolate, tour kids will love learning to ski or ride at the Heavenly kids ski school! Expert instructors will help improve your child’s skiing/riding ability while having tons of fun in a safe environment. Ages 4 -13.

Bear Valley 2280 SR 207 BEAR VALLEY, CA 95223 (209) 753-2301 www.bearvalley.com 67 Runs Bear Valley’s Cub Club offers Full Day, AM and PM sessions for kids ages 4-12. Your kids will get to experience the excitement of playing, sliding and gliding in the snow with kids their own age in a safe and caring environment. Bear Valley instructors are great with kids and pass a background screening check to ensure your kids are properly cared for.

40 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

Homewood Mountain Resort 5145 Westlake Blvd.

Homewood, CA 96141 (530) 584-6800 www.skihomewood.com 60 Runs Homewood’s children’s ski and snowboard programs provide your child with a fun-filled snow adventure mere steps from the shores of Lake Tahoe. Geared toward skiers and riders of all ability levels, the Homewood Ski & Snowboard School focuses on building and solidifying technique in a positive learning environment. After a day on the slopes with our professional instructors, your child will want to come back to Homewood again and again! Ages 4 -12

[ SEASONAL ] Alpine Meadows Ski Resort 2600 Alpine Meadows Road Tahoe City, CA 96145 (530) 581-8374 www.squawalpine.com 100+ Runs and Trails Kids Programs Focused on safety, fun and learning in all of the programs, instructors are trained in the latest techniques to ensure the best opportunity for your children to learn. Alpine Meadows offers a wide variety of half-day and full-day lesson options which are just right for kids ages 3-13, firstimers and advanced.

Squaw Valley Ski Resort 1960 Squaw Valley Road Olympic Valley, CA 96146 (800) 403-0206 www.squaw.com 170 Runs First Time Children’s Ski Lessons Squaw Valley offers the ideal environment for first timers with introductory lifts, dedicated beginner slope, and gentle terrain with plenty of room to comfortably develop the necessary skills to turn or stop. Experienced instructors will have you falling in love with the sport and exploring other areas of the mountain with ease and confidence in no time.

North Star at Tahoe 5001 Northstar Drive Truckee, CA 96160 (530) 562-1010 www.northstarattahoe.com 97 Runs Choose from ski or snowboard lesson packages for kids ages 3 - 12. Also offers Kid’s Private Lessons as well as state licensed Child Care for non-skiing children ages 2 - 6 at Minors’ Camp.

Diamond Peak Ski Resort 1210 Ski Way Incline Village, NV 89451-9205 (775) 832-1177 www.diamondpeak.com 30 Runs The Bee Ferrato Child Ski Center is for children ages 3-7. With a separate learning area, powerline lift and a low instructor to child ratio of 1:5, your child is sure to receive the attention they deserve in a non-crowded and fun environment. Group lessons are for children 4-7 only. 3 year olds are accepted in private lessons. Free lift tickets are included with all lessons.

Kirkwood Ski Resort 1501 Kirkwood Meadows Drive Kirkwood, CA 95646 (209) 258-7277 www.kirkwood.com/site 100+ Runs and Trails Programs For All Ages / Skiing and Snowboarding Small Fry Program (2-4 years) Mini Rippers (ages 3-4) Little Rippers (ages 5-6) Mountain Explorers (ages 7-12) A Varied Amount of Packages and Weekly Specials Sierra at Tahoe 1111 Sierra-At-Tahoe Road Twin Bridges, CA 95735 (530) 659-7453 www.sierraattahoe.com 46 Runs Kids’ Group Lessons From adventure zones to terrain parks, your children will have tons to cheer about. Instructors have training, personality and patience to get kids out on the slopes and keep them smiling.

Programs are categorized by age and ability level to ensure your kids get the most out of their mountain experience!

Ages 3 - 12

Mt. Rose Ski Resort 22222 Mount Rose Highway Reno, NV 89511-5733 (775) 849-0704 www.mtrose.com 60 Runs Rosebuds Children’s Camp are classes specifically geared to smaller guests. From kids who have never seen snow, to kids who yearn for steeps, skilled instructors keep the day fun and safe. Rosebuds Children’s Ski & Snowboard Camps consist of an on-hill educational ski and snowboard program, NOT A DAYCARE FACILITY. Parents must remain on site. Children must be able to use the bathroom independently to participate in this program.

NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 41

[ SEASONAL ]

Ski Resort

Guide

Sugar Bowl 629 Sugar Bowl Road Norden, CA 95724 (530) 426-9000 www.sugarbowl.com/home 84 Runs As part of Sugar Bowl’s ongoing commitment to being a top family resort, they have designed a whole new world exclusively for kids, the “Den.” The Den simplifies the process of getting your kids out on the slopes with our professional staff of accomplished instructors. The Den is the designated home to Sugar Bears, Powder Cubs and Black Bear Adventures.

Boreal Ski Resort 19749 Boreal Ridge Rd Soda Springs, CA 96160 (530) 426-3663 www.borealski.com/winter 36 Runs The Boreal Kids Club is great way for kids ages 4–12 to learn to ski and snowboard at Boreal. The Kids Club is designed to teach children of all abilities to ski and snowboard so your child can learn at the pace that best suits him/her. Children in Kids Club may ride the chairlift and/or surface lift. Kids Club is not a licensed day care.

Mt. Shasta Ski Park 4500 Ski Park Highway McCloud, CA 96057 (530) 926-8610 www.skipark.com 32 Runs Kids Lessons Available – Ages 5 – 10

Big Bear Mountain 43101 Goldmine Drive Big Bear Lake, CA 92315 (909) 585-2519 www.bearmountain.com Various kids programs to choose from.

Kids Lessons Available – Ages 4 -12

Soda Springs Ski Resort 10244 Soda Springs Road Truckee, CA 96160 (530) 426-3901 www.skisodasprings.com 15 Runs Learning to ski and snowboard is made especially easy at Soda Springs. Group lessons are designed for those aged 7 years and older. For littler folks, check out the new Planet Kids Moving Carpet, geared for ages 8 and under.

Donner Ski Ranch 19320 Donner Pass Norden, CA 95724 (530) 426-3635 www.donnerskiranch.com 52 Runs Children Lessons Available - Ages 7-12

42 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

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[ PARENTING ]

Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.

An Open Window to a Bravely Lived Life

by Rachel Macy Stafford “Let your words be anything but empty Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say, And let the words fall out.

Honestly, I wanna see you be brave.”

–Sara Bareilles It was late, but for some reason I decided to clean the pantry. A friend had been weighing on my heart. I picked up the phone and called her while I arranged cans of beans and tossed near-empty boxes of old pasta.

It quickly became apparent why I’d called her. She was experiencing some tough revelations. Was it a mid-life crisis? She wondered out loud. “You’re going to hate me when I tell you my truths,” she said.

I assured her that nothing she could say or do would change my love and respect for her.

“You are kind, compassionate—you are a good person. Nothing you say will

44 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

[ PARENTING ] change that,” I said.

My friend took a deep breath and shared thoughts, feelings, and questions that were hard to admit to herself, let alone speak out loud. But she said no truth that any one of us hasn’t had or could have at some point in our lives. She was just brave enough to admit it.

“Do you hate me? You probably aren’t going to talk to me anymore,” she said worriedly. I could practically see her cringing through the phone.

“My opinion of you has not changed. I love you. I am here to support you as you try to figure out exactly who you are and what you need to be the truest and happiest version of yourself,” I said confidently. “It would make me sad if you were to live an unauthentic life for the next 40 years,” I added.

Unbeknownst to me, my 12-year-old daughter had come up from watching a football game with her dad. She’d been listening with open ears and wide eyes. This is my wise-beyond-her-years child. She is my question asker … my leave-no-stone-unturned child … the one who’s been drawn to the world’s sufferings since age three. I predicted the questions would be coming.

“Is everything okay?” she asked as soon as I said goodbye to my friend.

“Well, my friend suffered a lot of trauma in her childhood and now she is dealing with a lot of things she has not allowed herself to deal with. She is trying to figure out who she really is—not who the world expects her to be.

And she chose me to share her truths,” I explained.

“And she was afraid you wouldn’t like her anymore—the real her?” she asked, following along quite maturely.

That’s when I knew. I knew I was being given a beautiful opportunity right then and there. With my pantry in disarray and this brown-eyed beauty donned in her Indianapolis Colts jersey staring back at me, I had the chance to highlight this moment in time. What I was about to say would be stored away in this child’s mind for years, maybe decades, and referred to often. I chose my words carefully.

“You know how our favorite places to shop since we

moved to our new state have been the antique stores in the historic sections of the city?”

She nodded and plopped down on a stool. Apparently she was going to stay awhile. I continued.

“Remember the antique store we went to with Grandma—the one with the aged rocking horse, the vintage dinner plates, and old-fashioned camera in the window? Each of those items told a story. With every scratch, knick, and worn button, there was a memory, a lesson, a piece of life. Well, whenever I think about living our truest selves, I think about shop windows. Each and every person decides what he or she puts in the window—what we want to show the world. It reveals who we are and either invites people into our real lives or shows them something false.”

Since my daughter remained completely interested, I pulled up a stool next to her. “For more years than I would like to admit, I didn’t show people how I really felt or who I really was. I plastered on a smile even when I was miserable … empty … overwhelmed. The sign I put in my window was ‘PERFECTION’. I sacrificed showing the world who I really was because I wanted things to look perfect.”

“But that’s not how you are now,” she said.

I sighed with relief. “Thank you. The best thing I ever did was let someone in. I’ll never forget when I told a friend, ‘I feel like a failure,’ and she said sometimes she did too.

It was like a huge weight being lifted. I didn’t have to pretend with her. And slowly I began to let other people in on the real me—and it was a much better, happier way to live.”

That must have been enough of her mother’s truths for one day because my daughter hopped up, poured herself a bowl of pretzels, and ran back to the game. But just before she went downstairs she called out, “I wonder what I sign I will put in my window?”

It wasn’t the right time, but it will be very soon. And what I’ll tell her is that she’s already posting signs in the window of her life. Through our discussion, I realized I have the power to help her live boldly, authentically, and confidently. This is what I will say to my child when the time is right. May it help others know what to say when NOVEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 45

[ PARENTING ] authenticity is bravely displayed in their loved one’s window and how to encourage living in realness.

About those signs in the beautiful window of your life, my child. Let me tell you what I see …

I see the sign TENACITY each time you admit you’ve made a mistake and try to do better. May you always see failures as stepping stones and opportunities for growth.

I see the sign SELF-ASSURANCE each time you wear your own personal style regardless of the latest trend. May you always accept yourself, so you don’t need acceptance from others.

I see the sign ASSERTIVENESS when you say, “No, I’m good,” when a friend asks you to do something you don’t want to do. May you always be able to speak up for yourself and do what’s best for you.

I see the sign VULNERABILITY when you are struggling and ask for help. May you always surround yourself with people who love you, care for you, and want to help you succeed. May you always be strong enough to say, “I need help.”

I see the sign CAPABLENESS when you tackle Grandma’s biscuit recipe, wash and fold your laundry, and water your plants. May you always find fulfillment in doing things for yourself rather than having them done for you.

My child, as you experience changes in body, mind, and friendships as you grow, it will be not always be easy to share your truest self. Therefore, count on me to support your authenticity in these ways …

When you say you aren’t hungry, I am not going to try to convince you otherwise.

When you say someone makes you feel uncomfortable, I will respect that feeling and help you keep your distance.

I will also ask questions to make sure you are safe.

When you ask me not to share an embarrassing moment or foolish mistake, I won’t.

When you say, “I’d rather not spend the night at the slumber party, but I can stay until 10?” I will say yes.

When you say you know the best way to complete a school project, I will stand back and let you, even if it looks like it might not work out.

46 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2015

Whether it’s placing your order at a restaurant or announcing your lifelong goal, I will respect your voice and opinion.

I will admire the truths you display in your window, even if they are different than mine.

And when you speak truths about yourself that are hard for me to hear, I shall not turn away. I shall open my arms and remember how I felt when finally, at last, I let someone in on mine.

My friend said, “Me too.”

And there, as the most authentic versions of ourselves, we found an inner peace we had never known.

When we see each other’s scars, we love each other more.

That is what I believe.

I believe it for my friend who’s bravely rearranging what she’s chosen to display in her window after all these years …

I believe it for my child who’s in the early stages of planning her window display …

I believe it for you and for me, no matter where we are in the process.

The one with the knicks, scratches, scars, and imperfections displayed in the window—that’s the life I want to walk into … the life I want to live … and the life I want to embrace when I see it in others.

I shall keep looking for the signs: BRAVERY found here DETERMINATION found here WHOLE HEARTEDNESS found here RISK TAKER found here HOPE SEEKER found here GUTSY SURVIVOR found here And when I do, I shall celebrate that momentous display of human courage by opening my arms and saying, “Me too.”

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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