Active Family Magazine | November 2019

NOVEMBER 2019

How to Get

YOUR KID

to Tell You Everything

Gratitude, The Antidote To (Holiday) Stress

YOGI BEAR’S JELLYSTONE PARK CAMP-RESORT

Volume 6 / Issue 69

4 Ways to Help Your Daughter Break the Silence About Bullying

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

6

22

16

Why Does Parenting Feel Like the “Hardest” Job in the World?

What is a “Fair” Amount of Child Support?

[ PARENTING ] How to Get Your Kid to Tell You Everything

10

Gratitude, The Antidote To (Holiday) Stress

[ TRAVEL ] Yogi Bear’s Jellystone Park Camp-Resort

24

12

How Can I Get My Child to Do His Best on His Homework?

20

16 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2019

24

12

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area

Publisher/Editor

Marketing Interns

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Talia Dobrec

Advertising Sales Director

Fashion Editor

Whitney Ignacio Whitney@activefamilymag.com

Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com

Travel Editor

Design/Production

Elizabeth Kang ekang@activefamilymag.com

Teresa Agnew Craft

Christine Carter, Ph.D. Roma Khetarpal Elizabeth Kang Emma Seppälä Ph.D. Susan Stiffelman Katie Hurley, LCSW Marco Patitucci, Child Support Specialist III

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

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Editor’s Note With the holiday season upon us once again, the stress is not far behind! With an endless list of things to do, people to buy for, class parties to attend, it can all be overwhelming. We get it! Be sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook as we attempt to make your life a little easier by providing gift guides, the best places to shop, resources for families, where to find Santa, Christmas Tree Lots in your area and SO much more! Looking to find your “Zen”? Be sure to go to www. activefamilymag.com and read some of our helpful articles by incredible experts who will offer up suggestions on getting through the season intact!

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving and quality family time!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2019

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[ PARENTING ]

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

How to Get Your Kid to Tell You Everything

by Christine Carter, Ph.D. Parents are always asking me how to get their kids to talk to them more (especially the parents of boys), how to get kids to say what really happened at school during the day. We parents want information! We feel that in exchange for our nurturance and worry and everything we did to get them ready for school, we should at least get to know what’s happening there, and in their lives!

So how can we get more than a “fine” out of our kids when we ask them “How was school?” Here are some ideas.

1. Set aside 10 minutes a day to be utterly present.

What (or whether) kids choose to share with us has a lot to do with their personality, of course. But a factor that is more within our control is our connection with them. We can lay a foundation of trust and connection using what my kids called “special time” when they were little. Every day for at least 10 minutes, I try to do something with each of my kids that they choose.

When they were younger, it often meant playing a game, reading together on the couch, or walking the dog. Now that they are teenagers, it’s covert time. One of them might linger at the dinner table for a few minutes. Another might hint that they’d like help making breakfast. Or someone might consent to walking the dog with me. Last night my 17-year-old stepson wandered into

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2019

[ PARENTING ] our bedroom where my husband and I were reading and

happening at school? There are legitimate reasons to

heaved himself onto our bed; he was procrastinating,

want to know, and reasons that push kids away.

of course, but he also was thrilled to have me tickle his back tickled like I used to do when he was little. While

Here’s the thing: Our kids’ lives are not our lives, and we

they might not consider any of these moments “special

are not entitled to emotional access to their inner or

time,” like they used to, I do. I put down my phone or my

social worlds. No matter how beautiful or painful things

reading or whatever else I was doing and I pay attention.

might be for them, it is their journey, not ours. We are support along their journey, but we aren’t heroes in their

This may sound easy, but for me, it’s not; in the hustle

stories. They are the heroes. We might be desperately

and bustle of everyday life, 10 or 20 minutes per kid

curious about what is happening with them, but their

can be hard to find. That may seem ridiculous to you—I

lives are still their lives, which they can choose to share—

spend longer doing things that are much less important

or not.

everyday—but between homework and dinnertime and bedtime giving kids our undivided attention every day

A kid’s primary goal in life is to achieve belonging and

can be hard.

significance. (Read more about this in Amy McCready’s fantastic book, The “Me Me Me” Epidemic.) Actually, it is

Oh, and also there’s the fact that, at least when my kids

a human being’s primary goal to achieve belonging and

were little, I often didn’t actually want to do what the kids

significance. This is one reason that we parents want all

wanted to do.

the gory details of our children’s lives at school. We want to know that we belong in our children’s lives, that our

For example, one of my daughters used to read

role is significant.

dystopian and romance novels voraciously, and a favorite activity is to “fan girl” the authors. When I had

But when we use our children to generate our own

one-on-one time with her, she wanted to tell me in

sense of belonging and significance, kids can smell our

excruciating detail about what she was reading. It

neediness a million miles away. Parental insecurity and

sounds like a fun book club, I know, but it really wasn’t.

anxiety is a heavy burden for a child or a teen to bear,

Too much blow-by-blow detail.

and most kids (people!) will avoid it like the plague.

Our kids can only truly connect with us when we don’t

My instinct was to roll my eyes and not hang out with

depend on them for our own sense of self or significance.

her while she wrote a letter to John Greene. But when I

This bears repeating: Our kids can’t really connect with us

managed to be present with her in all her fan-girl glory,

when our own fulfillment, happiness, or identity depends

not judging the or rejecting her current passion, she felt

on them or what they do.

more connected to me, and vice versa. She learned that she could trust me with her inner world.

We can, however, ask our kids about their day as a way to fulfill their need for connection, belonging, and

Moreover, when I consistently gave her this “special time”

significance. We can act as curious-but-neutral witnesses

— and when I set aside my phone or my work or my sleep

to the beautiful mess of their lives. Ultimately, as they

for her now — she feels secure in the knowledge that she

grow to trust our motivations, we become a place

is one of my highest priorities, and that she can count on

where our children can share even their most vulnerable

me to be there for her. It is during this special time that

feelings without also fearing how we will react.

she is most likely to open up and tell me about her life at school, and in general.

3. Ask them about the worst part of their day.

Watch for the time and place when your child feels safe

2. Be honest about why you want to know about your

and has the energy to reveal him or herself to you. Hint:

kids’ day.

It probably isn’t when they, or you, walk in the door after

Why is it so important to you that you know what is

school or work. Most kids need time to rest and make the NOVEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7

[ PARENTING ] transition from school to home. And most kids don’t want

Ask only when you are able to label and validate their

an audience of siblings, or the carpool.

emotions, when you are able to neutrally help them understand what exactly they are feeling, and where in

When everyone is ready (though I recommend not

their body that feeling lives.

opening this can of worms at bedtime), ask them about the part of their day that was least satisfying. I might

Why ask about the negative rather than the positive?

say something like, “What was the most stressful part of

Because, as Dr. Shefali writes in Out of Control,

school today?” Or “Was there a time today when you felt nervous or anxious or afraid?”

We ask kids this not because we want the dirt or the gossip or because we delight in playground or high school drama. Do not ask this question until you are ready and able to stay neutral and unemotional. Don’t ask this if you are inclined to jump in and solve all their problems for them.

We want kids to learn that all feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, are okay. Eventually, we can help kids understand how their emotions often drive their behavior—and that while all emotions are okay, all behavior is not equally effective in helping them reach their goals.

So why, in the end, do ask them how their day was?

Because we want to be an unconditionally loving place

Ask only when you are able to accept their

in our kids’ lives, where they will always be able to touch

uncomfortable emotions. Acceptance means that you

their own significance and feel their own belonging.

hear what is going on without asking why they feel the

We want to be the place where they can unburden

way they do, without offering a judgement about anyone

themselves from life’s difficulties—so that, ultimately, they

or anything they are describing to you.

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[ PARENTING ]

Roma Khetarpal is the author of The “Perfect” Parent: 5 Tools for Using Your Inner Perfection to Connect with Your Kids and the founder/ CEO of Tools of Growth (www. toolsofgrowth.com), through which she helps parents raise kids to “Be Happy, Think Positive, and Do Good.” She is also a contributor to Huffingtonpost.com and Masalamommas.com.

She is also an Executive Board Member of the Philanthropic Society Los Angeles, which raises funds for Children’s Institute, Inc., and is Member of the Board of Directors for the Santa Clarita Valley Education Foundation, an organization providing support, programs and leadership for K-12 public school education. Khetarpal also serves on the Board of Directors at AM-Touch Dental where she previously served for 20 years as Vice President of Sales and Marketing and where she currently teaches employee relations classes.

She is also working on a line of children’s products that will promote self-understanding and emotional intelligence. (Article first published on Huffington Post)

Why Does Parenting Feel Like the “Hardest” Job in the World?

by Roma Khetarpal We all have felt “this is so hard!” Sometimes it’s “hard” because we’re physically exhausted, and at other times, it’s because we’re mentally exhausted. And here’s the big one – it’s even harder when we’re emotionally exhausted! Of course, there are also those super hard times when we’re served a combination of the above.

None of us are immune.

“I left you two messages, and you haven’t called back. Is everything okay”? asked my Mom more than once.

I finally broke down and complained, “I just didn’t find time, Mom. I’ve been so busy with the kids.” Then I added the most common parenting mantra: “Why is this is so hard, Mom?” She giggled as she responded, “It’s just life. You should have thought of that before you had children.”

“But what does that even mean, Mom?” I said. “This is not something we can ever think of?”

She reality-checked me instantly, “And what do you want me to do about

10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2019

[ PARENTING ] this?”

What really makes this ride seem “hard” is our own resistance to the process of change and growth.

She was right, but I thought I’d have some fun, so I tried

When our children are faced with an experience that

to trump her. After all, this was pre-FaceTime, and she

pushes them to change, learn, and grow, we feel that

couldn’t see me. With a big smirk in my heart, I played it

aftershock. Our kids have life experiences that are

a little further, “Why did you not tell me how hard it would

different from ours—just as ours were different from our

be?”

parents’. More often than not, we push back by losing our emotional balance. If we just remind ourselves that

She exploded, “If I had told you, would that have

this is how life is designed to move forward and that all

stopped you? You didn’t have your children because I

we need to do is respond to this push calmly, the tugging

told you to. And maybe you didn’t know the first time, but

and pulling naturally simmers down. In other words, our

if I remember correctly, you did have a second one three

children’s growth pushes us toward our own growth,

years later. I’m sure you knew then, no? Anyway, that’s

and we should respond by committing ourselves to that

just the way it is. You’ll be fine. How are the kids?”

process.

Really, why does it feel so hard to raise children? After all,

It’s only our resistance that makes raising kids seem

aren’t we adults who manage our jobs, homes, vehicles,

so “hard.” It’s being set in our ways and thinking our

finances, self-care, and sometimes our parents? Yes, it

way is right. It’s not really listening and not letting them

can get a bit much at times, and we go through peaks

complete what they are saying before jumping in. It’s

and valleys with our lives, but we are never challenged

not being open-minded enough to listen to their very

as consistently as we are challenged by our children!

different point of view, let alone accept and respect

And, yet, we hear that it’s just the way it is when we

it. This is how we set up roadblocks and stunt our own

commit to raising children.

growth and theirs.

Well, let me tell you why I think that’s the case. Our living,

As adults, we tend to get stuck, stagnate, and resist

breathing little loves are ever-changing and growing.

change, well, at least until our children come along and

They are morphing internally and externally constantly

push for it. Have we ever considered that that’s why they

and consistently. When our children change, they grow—

come into our lives? To keep us changing and growing.

not just physically—and as they grow, they change. And

Their very presence makes us more patient, kind, and

there we are, right beside them. Like a braid, life, parents,

compassionate emotionally; more alert, responsive, and

and children are intertwined to form an intricate external

dynamic intellectually; more connected, reflective, and

and internal experience that shapes both our own lives

committed spiritually.

and our children’s. Each strand is perfectly and intricately connected. So when our children go through their

Once we commit to allowing life to flow through us—by

growth phases, we have no option but to ride the twist

simply being open-hearted and open-minded toward

and turns at their speed and their level of understanding.

change and growth—the push and pull eases up. When

If they’re having a long, hard day and their emotions are

we turn down the volume of emotions, we melt the

flying all over the place, so are ours. The reverse is true as

“hard” out of daily parenting. This commitment, this shift

well: When we have had a hard day and our emotions

in perspective is the only change we need to make to

are flying all over, we cannot help but affect them.

take “hard” out of the equation.

NOVEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

[ TRAVEL ]

[ TRAVEL ]

YOGI BEAR’S JELLYSTONE PARK CAMP-RESORT

by Elizabeth Kang You just know a place is made for kids when “Yogi Bear”

whole camping experience without having to pack so

is in the name, and it doesn’t get much more kid-friendly

much stuff. The only thing we needed to bring was food,

than the ultra-fun and totally convenient Yogi Bear’s

drinks, clothes and linens, which lightened our carload

Jellystone Park Camp-Resort. Absolutely packed with

considerably, and made our stay that much more

fun amenities and exciting year-round events, Jellystone

convenient.

Camp-Park is also affordable and close by — located in Lodi, California, only an hour’s drive from the East Bay

PLAY

Area.

There is so much fun to be had at Jellystone Park that our weekend stay flew by, and we didn’t even get a chance

STAY

to experience everything the park has to offer. During

There is a variety of housing options at this camp-resort,

warmer months, the pool is always a fun option, with a

from simple tent and RV sites to deluxe cabins that sleep

waterslide, shallow-baby area and plenty of loungers

eight people — decked out with full kitchens, private

to relax on. There’s also a hot tub, and (coming soon) a

bathrooms, and a comfortable queen bed, bunk bed

lazy river and interactive water zone that will have two

and loft sleeping area. These cabins are more than

additional waterslides, as well as water canons and

enough space for a family to spread out, and my kids

kiddie slides upon completion.

had a blast playing up in the loft area and climbing on the bunk beds.

Additional fun at the resort includes Mini Golf, Lazer Tag, Gem Mining, Hay Rides, an onsite arcade, pedal carts for

All Cabins and RV sites provide outdoor grills and water

rent, pony rides, archery, live music, various playgrounds

hookups, and all tent sites include water and electric,

located throughout the park, outdoor volleyball and

as well as a personal picnic table. Inside the cabins,

basketball courts, arts & crafts, and a giant inflatable

we were impressed with the full kitchen that including

jumping pillow.

everything we needed to make our meals, including a full-sized fridge, range and oven, sink, utensils, cooking

There’s also a marina at the park, as its right by the

pans, cups and plates. Staying in the cabin gave us the

Delta water system. At the marina, children can play at NOVEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ TRAVEL ]

the sandy beach, or have some fun in the new bumper

haunted house, camp-wide trick’or’treating, a magical

boats, partaking in a water fight battle! There’s also kayaks,

pumpkin hayride, kid-friendly movie night, glowstick dance

paddle boards, mini speedboats and electric boast to

party, costume contests, pumpkin-carving contest, and

rent, which is such a nice way to spend an afternoon on

more. (Every weekend in October, and the first weekend of

the Delta.

November.)

Jellystone Camp-Resort is super dog-friendly, too, so be

Fall Into Fun Weekend— During the weekends of

sure to bring Fido along on this family vacation! Some of

November, families get cozy in PJs and participate in a

the cabins are specifically pet-friendly, so just request one

myriad of fun fall-themed events, including “Candy Bar

when making your reservation. Your dog will have blast

Bingo,” hay rides, “Pumpkin Chunkin’,” bedtime stories with

running around the “Bark Park” fenced-in dog park, which

Cindy Bear, and other fun events.

even has obstacles and toys to play with.

Winter Wonderland Weekends — The first two weekends YEAR-ROUND FUN

of December offer campers plenty of holiday spirit, with

Jellystone Park hosts fun holiday and other themed-

potluck dinners, game nights, Xmas pictures with Yogi

weekends throughout the year, so there’s always

Bear, and Christmas cookie decorating, among other fun

something fun, new and exciting going on. Check out the

activities.

upcoming fun below: Christmas Weekend — Santa comes to visit the park on Halloween Weekends — Halloween is one of the busiest

the weekend of December 20-22, and there’s even a

times at Jellystone, and for good reason! The camp-resort

Christmas parade to enjoy and take part in. Be sure to

hosts a ton of fun and spooky events, including a terrifying

enter the contest for “Best Decorated Campsite!”

14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2019

[ TRAVEL ] Insider Tips: • Pack linens, towels, pillows and blankets — these items are not included in your stay and cost extra to rent.

• Rent a golf cart. It may cost a bit extra, but in my opinion the extra expense is worth the fun of mobbing around the expansive campground in your own golf cart — and, bonus — the kids thought it was one of the highlights of the weekend!

• Go gem mining near the market — For just around $6, you can purchase a bag of dirt with either real fossils or gemstones hidden in it at the onsite market. Then use your bag at the nearby gem-mining station to wash away the dirt and discover the hidden treasure!

It’s a cheap and fun way for little ones to spend the morning.

• Take advantage of promotions and low-season pricing—During our stay in October, the camp was “half off your third night” deal. There are even more deals to be had, especially during their “Non-Peak Season,” which runs in the Fall from Sept through Late November, and in the Spring, April through early June.

NOVEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Emma Seppälä, Ph.D is Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and is the author of The Happiness Track (HarperOne, 2016). She is also Co-Director of the Yale College Emotional Intelligence Project at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. She is a frequent contributor to Harvard Business Review, Psychology Today, Huffington Post, and Scientific American Mind. She is the founder and editor-in-chief of Fulfillment Daily, a popular news site dedicated to the science of happiness.

Her work and research have been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Chicago Tribune, The Boston Globe, The Atlantic, VOGUE, ELLE, CBSNews, Oprah Magazine, Fast Company, U.S. World and News Report, Forbes, Cosmopolitan, Inc, Huffington Post, ABC News, Business Insider, SELF, GLAMOUR. She has appeared several times on Good Morning America. She was also interviewed for Huffington Post Live and TIME/MONEY and is featured in the documentary film The Altruism Revolution.

She is the recipient of a number of research grants and service awards including the James W. Lyons Award from Stanford University for founding Stanford’s first academic class on the psychology of happiness and teaching many well-being programs for Stanford students.

She graduated from Yale (BA), Columbia (MA), and Stanford (PhD). Originally from Paris, France, she is a native speaker of French, English, and German.

Gratitude, The Antidote To (Holiday) Stress

by Emma Seppälä Ph.D. If we have a roof above our head, food to eat, are educated enough to read this article and have access to a computer and the internet, we have received more opportunities, material goods, and education than most of the world’s population. However, burdened with the problems that we inevitably face in life, we often fail to remember the blessings. The holidays, for example, can be stressful: financial concerns, family tensions, loneliness, travel, organizing…

While we may look forward to some parts of the festivities, there are others that lead to so much tension that we are unable to enjoy the process. The reason for this stress may be the Negativity Bias and Habituation, our tendency to weigh the negative more heavily than the positive. However, research by Shelley Gable and Jonathan Haidt suggests that we actually have three times more positive experiences than negative! What we tell ourselves and how we perceive the world therefore literally impacts both who we are and how we are.

16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2019

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] The Negativity Bias or Why We Focus on What’s Wrong

Bias automatically releases its grip. Rather than focusing

Research by Roy Baumeister suggests our perspective

on all the things that are going wrong in our lives, we

is biased toward the negative and that, for our minds,

remember the many blessings that surround us. Similarly,

bad is stronger than good. We are more likely to pay

gratitude counters Habituation: when we feel grateful

attention to and remember negative situations, criticism

for someone (e.g. our mother or spouse for the care they

or losses than to remember positive events, praise or

have provided), we experience renewed love and joy at

gains. It sometimes can take just hearing one word from

their presence in our lives. Research has even shown that

someone for our whole day, which may have started

gratitude is linked to decreased envy and materialism

out perfectly fine, to be spoiled. Baumeister and others

which makes sense: once we begin to appreciate what

believe that this tendency to give more weight to the

we have in our lives, we are less insecure about what we

negative may have helped our species survive by

don’t have and may have less need to grasp for more.

highlighting potential dangers to avoid. However, in our current time and age, our negativity bias is often no

Work by Michael McCullough and Emmons in numerous

longer appropriate and may lead to increased stress and

studies (such as this one) have shown that in children and

a skewed vision of reality.

adults, gratitude has been shown to:

Habituation or Why We Forget What’s Right

• increase social connection – which studies show is

According to research on the hedonic treadmill,

essential for health and well-being (see this post on

we receive an increased boost of happiness when

connecting to thrive)

wonderful new events happen (like entering a new

• increase altruism – which is a strong predictor

relationship, buying a new car or receiving a promotion)

of happiness (see this post on compassion and

but that, over time, these events lose their ability to bring

happiness)

us renewed joy because we get accustomed to them. As

• improve optimism and positive emotions which have

a consequence, we often fail to appreciate that which

also been linked to increased well-being, greater

we have. We tend to be grateful for what we have

creativity, better relationships, and longevity

only once it is gone: It often takes getting sick to gain a

• decreased envy and materialism

greater appreciation for our health, losing heat in our

• improved health and well-being for people suffering

homes (like after a natural disaster like Hurricane Sandy)

from physical ailments (neuromuscular disorder, in one

to fully realize how blessed we are to have radiators,

study)

or to move to a new town and feel lonely to value the family and friends that we may have taken for granted

When the Negativity Bias occurs, closing our eyes and

previously.

counting our blessings can help give us a reality check.

If we are alive, chances are a great many things are

How can we change these tendencies? With just a little

working in our favor. Similarly, remembering to reflect on

awareness and the cultivation of gratitude.

our lucky stars may help counter Habituation so we can keep celebrating all of the ways in which we are blessed.

A Powerful Way of Seeing Ourselves & Our Lives: Gratitude

Sure, there will always be difficult situations in our lives

Recall a moment when you were feeling grateful.

and plenty to grump about. However, we can either

You may have received help from someone, been

let these situations control the state of our mind and

overwhelmed by the love in your life, or simply been

spoil our day or take charge of our own well-being by

touched by the beauty and warmth of a beautiful

remembering to smile at all that’s right. The situations

summer’s day. When we feel grateful, the Negativity

may not change, but we will.

NOVEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] A Few Ways to Cultivate Gratitude Though Thanksgiving day only comes around once a year, cultivating gratitude can be of tremendous benefit.

The following two exercises do not take much time but can lead to tremendous results, according to a number of research studies (such as this one)

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• Count Your Blessings: Whether you do so by writing lists, writing in a journal, or reflecting on your way home from work, bring to mind all of the people, things, achievements and environments that you are grateful for. Notice all of the things that happen, each day, to support you: from the bus driver to the janitor at your

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workplace, the cash register attendant to your best friend, each person, in some way, is helping you. • Say Thanks: We often forget to tell the people closest to us how much we appreciate their support, help and affection. Take a few minutes out of each day to express your gratitude: write a letter to an old teacher or mentor, send your mom flowers, or write your colleague a recommendation on LinkedIn.

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2019

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[ PARENTING ]

Susan Stiffelman, Huffington Post Parent’s weekly advice columnist (“Parent Coach”), is an engaging speaker whose presentations leave audiences upbeat, entertained and fortified with practical strategies that will make an immediate and significant difference in their day to day lives. Susan is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child therapist, a credentialed teacher, and a highly regarded parenting coach. Instead of offering standard, scripted advice to parents about how to control their children, Susan focuses on helping them be what she calls the Captain of the ship their children need and naturally want to cooperate with, confide in, and respect. Those who attend Susan’s presentations routinely email her office with thanks, and a request to come back again!

How Can I Get My Child to Do His Best on His Homework?

by Susan Stiffelman I don’t want to speak in absolutes, but I can say with reasonable certainty that there aren’t more than a handful of children who actually like doing homework.

Kids are wired to enjoy the moment, and generally speaking, answering questions about Saturn or writing paragraphs about Woodrow Wilson is tedious, timeconsuming and robs children of the precious opportunity to do really important things — like watching TV or chasing the dog.

Still, if your children go to school, chances are they have homework. And while the little ones (yes, most schools now give homework to kindergartners) might actually enjoy pasting kidney beans onto pretty yellow construction paper for their “science project,” for most parents, it’s takes a Herculean effort to simply get little Ethan or Delilah to locate that “missing” math worksheet and get started.

Once children have accepted their fate and are at least sitting at the table with the worksheet and a functioning pencil, you have to inspire the reluctant scholar to activate a few of his or her brain cells to at least attempt to do a decent job on the assignment.

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[ PARENTING ] Whew! Getting a child to even start their homework can

rises significantly when they give a smaller quantity of

be fairly exhausting, can’t it? And then we have to get

homework, but ask students to raise the quality of what

them to try their best! Seems impossible!

they do. (Check out “The Quality School” by William Glasser.)

Here are some things to keep in mind as you try to motivate your child to put in some earnest effort when

You may also help kids focus more on doing a good job

they do their homework:

if you make homework time more pleasant. Play quiet music, light a fragrant candle, or break a long task up

First, recognize that human beings are motivated

with short breaks so they don’t feel they’re trapped in

by reward. Children (and most adults) operate from

Homeworkland forever.

a “What’s in it for me?” standpoint. While I’m not recommending that you pay children to improve their

Encouraging children to make more than minimal effort

grades (though I’m also not entirely opposed to that

on their school work starts by recognizing the reality

strategy), it is important to acknowledge that most

of the situation: there has to be some motivation and

children are not intrinsically motivated to do a great

enjoyment, other than lectures and threats. By coming

job on their school work, at least until good grades

alongside them and acknowledging that it’s not much

represent a realistic reward for them in terms of college,

fun, but pointing out some small incentives, and by

scholarships, staying on the team, and so on.

making homework time more enjoyable, you’ll help them know that there is a reason to try their best, and that it

While some youngsters simply find satisfaction in a job

actually feels good to show the world how smart they

well done, most kids race through their homework so

really are.

they can get it over with. It’s vital that you create a more immediate payoff for making the effort today to try their best on something that may not translate into anything to them for weeks or even months. (In other words, a child who tends to rip through his math sheet typically isn’t going to slow down and be more careful when the payoff — a better grade on his or her report card — is months away.)

Invite your child — with your help — to come up with

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a list of small incentives. It might be that if they show that they checked their math answers, they get an extra bedtime story. Or it could be that if the teacher reports that they’re showing improvement in their writing assignments, you go out for an ice cream after school on Friday.

Another way to get kids to raise the bar on their effort is to have them grade their work. When your child says, “I’m done!” after a homework session, encourage them to assign a grade to what they’ve done. Teachers who have implemented this approach in the classroom

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have found that the quality of their students’ work NOVEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ PARENTING ]

Katie Hurley, LCSW, is a child and adolescent psychotherapist and author of The Happy Kid Handbook. Her work can be found on EverydayFamily, Momtastic, mom.me, Yahoo Parenting, PBS Parents and The Huffington Post.

Katie writes the parenting blog, Practical Parenting. Katie splits her time between Los Angeles and the Connecticut coast with her rock and roll husband and their two happy children.

For more stress reduction techniques and strategies to empower children to live happy lives, check out Katie’s new book, The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World.

4 Ways to Help Your Daughter Break the Silence About Bullying

by Katie Hurley, LCSW “When your friends cut you out…it’s the worst. It’s like you’re totally alone. So when they let you back in, you take it, even if you know they’re not that nice and are really mean to other girls.” –A sixth grade girl There’s a culture of silence in modern day girlhood, and this silence can be devastating for many young girls. Girls tell me that they avoid speaking up about their experiences with bullying for a variety of reasons: • It’s humiliating • They feel alone • They fear they will be teased for talking about it • They fear the bullying will get worse if they tell • They still hope they can get back into the group • They don’t think anyone will believe them or understand That’s a short list. Every girl is different, and every girl has her own reasons for participating in the culture of silence. But one thing is for certain: Silence isn’t helping anyone. In fact, silence contributes to the anxiety, depression, isolation, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, and suicidal thoughts

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[ PARENTING ] that can occur when girls are on the receiving end of

you’re taking a family walk, or when you’re just hanging

bullying and/or cyberbullying.

out doing nothing.

Speaking up helps. But speaking up doesn’t have to

Share little bits

mean going public. Speaking up can mean talking to a

It can be overwhelming, and triggering, to share

small group or trusted friends, or even just one. Every little

your whole story. Some girls avoid talking about their

bit helps.

experiences because it’s just too painful. I find that when girls know that they can share “little bits” at a time and

When girls share their stories, not for the sole purpose

start and stop as needed, the cloud of hopelessness that

of getting the other girl in trouble but to help another

overwhelms them dissipates somewhat. It can take years

girl or to vent her own emotions, they take steps

to heal from the psychological impact of bullying. Trying

toward healing. They also open the door to difficult

to get it all out at once is difficult at best.

conversations that just might help another girl in similar circumstances.

Breaking the silence inspires hope and healing. When I work with groups of girls, we talk about a lot of the everyday stressors of modern girlhood. Without fail, “mean girl” behavior comes up. It’s not necessarily that each girl in the room has experienced bullying, but each girl knows that it’s something to worry about. They’ve heard the stories. They know it’s out there.

But an interesting thing happens when the first girl dares to share her story. The other girls move just a little bit closer. They ask questions. They rally around her. They empathize. And then they begin to share their stories and their worries. They break the culture of silence, if only for that session, and they work together to find solutions.

4 WAYS TO HELP GIRLS TALK IT OUT Bring it to the surface The best way to end the stigma and break through the

One thing that I find works well with girls is to give them the “time out” option. If they become overwhelmed with emotion, they make the hand signal for time out. That’s my cue to lead a deep breathing or mindfulness exercise to help her work through the emotions.

Guided conversations Parenting myths lead us to believe that tween and teen girls are constantly pushing their parents away, but research shows that girls actually want help from their parents. They just don’t want every problem solved, and they don’t want to discuss everything the minute they get in the car.

Both literature and movies provide ample opportunity to discuss the many stressors girls currently face, including bullying and cyberbullying. Read together (or, at the very least, read the same book side-by-side) and initiate regular movie dates. Talk about the peer issues that arise and listen to how your daughter processes these issues.

culture of silence is to normalize talking about bullying

Resist the urge to come up with quick fixes. Instead, ask

and cyberbullying. Girls know it’s happening. Parents

questions and listen as she works through the answers.

know it’s happening. Don’t wait for an incident to occur to break ground on these tough topics, make them part

Encourage connection

of your regular conversations.

In some of my groups, I give girls little signs that say, “been there.” When one girl shares a story about

I can’t tell you how many parents ask me to avoid these

something hard, the other girls can choose to raise their

topics in my groups because they don’t want their girls

“been there” signs. They are then given the opportunity

to worry. Girls are already worrying about it. When we

to share their stories or make a comment. These little

silence it, we contribute to the culture of silence. Bring it

connections, even if the “been there” girls don’t actually

to the surface by engaging in regular discussions about

share their own stories, help girls feel less alone in the

bullying and cyberbullying at the dinner table, when

world.

NOVEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ PARENTING ]

Contra Costa Child Support Services www.co.contra-costa.ca.us/1374/ Child-Support-Services 866-901-3212

What is a “Fair� Amount of Child Support?

by Marco Patitucci, Child Support Specialist III Navigating a co-parenting relationship that puts the child(ren) first can be a complex endeavor. Along with creating a parenting schedule and/or deciding where the child(ren) will go to school, the financial impact of parents residing in different households is a natural concern. Child support is meant to address that impact.

Child support is a regular contribution of money for living and medical expenses. Under Federal and State law, both parents have a responsibility

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2019

[ PARENTING ] to provide financial support for their children. The

guide for using the calculator is also available. This

goal of child support is that children will have a similar

calculator is a tool for parents to get a child support

standard of living with each parent. Either parent could

estimate at any time, including prior to opening a case

be ordered to pay child support when an order is

with DCSS or before filing a motion with the court. The

established or modified. So, what is a fair amount of child

estimate is only useful if the information is accurate for

support?

both parents. If there is incomplete information or one parent believes the other parent is not being forthcoming

Parents have an opportunity to reach an agreement on

with all of their income, the estimate may not be

child support that serves the child(ren)’s best interest.

accurate. If parents are unable to reach an agreement

However, knowing the State guideline for child support is important in making an informed decision on how to handle child support—or in deciding if it’s needed in the first place. Depending on the situation, the best option could be for one parent to open a case with the Department of Child Support Services (DCSS). DCSS is a third party and is separate from the court; they work with parents to facilitate an agreement that could eliminate the need for a court hearing. Either parent could also begin their own legal action directly with the court or file a motion in an existing legal action (such as a divorce case).

California law requires that the courts follow uniform guidelines when setting child support orders. Therefore, a statewide Guideline Calculator is in place and is updated annually. Child support guidelines are based

on a guideline or non-guideline amount for child support and there is a hearing, the court will consider the amount proposed by the Guideline Calculator when making its order. A judge or court commissioner can only deviate from that amount if allowable under the law, or if the parents agree.

An accurate estimate based on the legal guidelines gives parents a starting point for what is considered fair. No co-parenting situation is the same, so there is no uniform amount for child support. The Guideline Calculator and the services provided by DCSS are intended to help parents figure out what is appropriate for the specific circumstances surrounding the care of their child(ren).

on each parent’s net disposable monthly income and the amount of time each parent has primary physical

When there is an open child support case with DCSS,

responsibility for the child(ren). The main factors in

the department will assist in establishing a child support

the calculation are: all income for both parents, the

order or in modifying an existing order. The department

percentage of visitation, child care expenses, payroll

reviews the available information and can obtain

deductions, who claims the child(ren) on their tax returns,

additional information from sources such as employers,

and additional tax implications.

benefits providers, and the IRS. These resources help provide an accurate guideline to parents and to the

A free resource available to the public is a California

court if needed.

Child Support Calculator located at: childsupport.

To learn more about DCSS and their services please visit:

ca.gov/calculate-child-support/. A free downloadable

www.cccdcss.us.

NOVEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

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