Active Family Magazine | November 2020

NOVEMBER 2020

CHOOSE

LOVE Coping with Constant Interruption

HOTEL SPOTLIGHT Vespera on Ocean

Volume 7 / Issue 81

Why Socialization is So Important for Preschoolers, Especially During a Pandemic

[ PARENTING ] Distance Learning Tips

6

16

Coping with Constant Interruption + Tips for Focus

26 [ TRAVEL ] HOTEL SPOTLIGHT: Vespera on Ocean

Choose Love

18

8

Social Distancing Doesn’t Mean Emotional Distancing

12

Teen Dating: 5 Tips for Talking to Your Teen

22

6 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

18

12

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area

Publisher/Editor

Marketing Interns

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Talia Dobrec

Advertising Sales Director

Fashion Editor

Whitney Ignacio Whitney@activefamilymag.com

Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com

Travel Editor

Design/Production

Elizabeth Kang Dr. Laura Markham Dr. Christine Carter Laurie Holloman, Ph.D. Katie Hurley, LCSW KSS Immersion Schools

Elizabeth Kang ekang@activefamilymag.com

Teresa Agnew Craft

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Editor’s Note The holidays are amongst us once again, but this year sure looks different! No matter how you choose to celebrate the season, we hope you enjoy spending time with your family and focusing on the positive things we are all thankful for!

As distance learning remains, our experts continue to provide amazing suggestions on how best to help our children (and ourselves) cope during these challenging times. Please check out page 6 and page 8 for helpful information.

Wishing you all a healthy and happy Thanksgiving!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

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[ PARENTING ]

Katie Hurley, LCSW, is a child and adolescent psychotherapist and author of The Happy Kid Handbook. Her work can be found on EverydayFamily, Momtastic, mom.me, Yahoo Parenting, PBS Parents and The Huffington Post.

Katie writes the parenting blog, Practical Parenting. Katie splits her time between Los Angeles and the Connecticut coast with her rock and roll husband and their two happy children.

For more stress reduction techniques and strategies to empower children to live happy lives, check out Katie’s new book, The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World.

Distance Learning Tips

by Katie Hurley, LCSW

When I talk to kids about distance learning, I always remind myself that I never had to do what they’re doing. I don’t know what it feels like to be parked in front of a device all day, to have to manage multiple logins and programs to access work and turn it in, or to worry about tech issues interfering with my day.

When I ask kids to give me a positive, they things like: • I made a cool learning spot with things we already had in the house • I like hearing my grownups working nearby • I relax with my own stuff during recess • I’m not worried about friend issues right now

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

[ PARENTING ] When they talk about the negatives, on the other hand, it sounds like this:

it takes to do this, even on the hardest days.

• FaceTime passing periods: for those who actually have

• My room is my classroom now and I don’t like it

a few minutes between zooms, phone a friend and

anymore.

• My grownups are working and it’s hard to ask questions

walk around the house to have some social time.

• Homework space: while the bedroom is often the

on video chat and I can’t get help.

quietest place for zooming, it can help to take the

• I’m supposed to go from zoom to zoom all day with

homework to a separate space (kitchen table?) to

literally no time in between - I’m always late and it’s

create some distance and give the room a more

impossible.

relaxing feel when they return.

• Breakout rooms are not great because you usually

• Whiteboard: sure, they have programs to keep track

don’t know anyone in them that well.

of everything, but writing their daily to do list on a

• The teacher can “spotlight” you at any moment, and

whiteboard and erasing as they go helps kids learn to

what if that’s the one question you can’t answer?

stay organized and gives them relief from constantly

• On zoom, you never know who is looking at you, so you have to look perfect and attentive every second.

checking their online learning platforms.

• Frequent breaks: when doing homework, frequent,

• You finish all day of zooms, then it’s homework until dinner.

ten-minute breaks are helpful to destress.

• Thinking putty or a stress ball help relieve tension when engaged in online learning.

Here’s what’s helping some of my kids/teens:

• Turn off your own view of your camera to stop worrying

• Buffer zone: just like I miss having a commute, kids miss

about how you appear. Tilt camera slightly to be seen

the walk or ride home from school before they have to start homework. Be sure to factor in a good buffer zone

but not feel like it’s a closeup at all times.

• When teachers offer extra zooms for follow up

with a snack and time to just chat with family members about low pressure, non-school things.

• Sticky notes with positive reminders: for many kids, distance learning feels isolating and overwhelming.

questions, use them.

This is hard and there are no easy answers. Hug your kids A LOT. Tell them you’re proud. Cheer them on. They need it.

Putting sticky notes on or near their devices to cheer themselves on is a great reminder that they have what

For more tips go to www.facebook.com/katiehurleylcsw NOVEMBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7

[ PARENTING ]

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

Coping with Constant Interruption + Tips for Focus

by Christine Carter, Ph.D. Several years ago, I devised a system for quickly getting into the “zone” while I worked. Free from distractions and interruptions, I wrote quickly, joyfully, and with surprisingly little effort.

But now freedom from distractions and interruptions seems like a fantasy. My husband and I are both working from home and our kids are doing school from home. Although we all have designated places to work, my family is forever interrupting me, jarring me out of my flow. For example, my husband likes to use the printer that is in my office (because I keep the paper and toner filled). He’ll saunter into my office to pick up whatever he’s printed, and even if I’m clearly trying to focus, he’ll put his face right in front of my computer screen and lean in for a smooch.

I recognize how sweet this is. And I am super grateful to have such a loving and affectionate husband. And I appreciate that I still have work. And I do like seeing him and our kids so much.

And also…Like many parents these days, I’m a little on edge, and each interruption has the potential to unleash a riptide of irritation. Even when the person interrupting me is a considerate and whispering teenager needing a change of scenery (“the chair in your office is so comfortable!”), or a loving

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

[ PARENTING ] husband who wants to shower me with affection, I

As we shift our focus between tasks–as when we steal

sometimes feel frustrated and snappish.

a glance at our email while we are working on a presentation–it increases our perception that we have

Am I overreacting? Perhaps I could try harder to keep my

too much to do in the time that we have to do it.

irritation in check, but research gives me some grounds for it. In fact, studies have found that getting interrupted

According to Gloria Mark, who studies interruption at UC

isn’t just a nuisance; it’s costly and problematic.

Irvine, when we are diverted from one task to another,

Here are three sometimes hidden costs to interruptions.

we can pick up our work pace to make up for lost time,

For starters, they cost us a lot of time.

but this increased speed comes at a cost: People who’ve been interrupted report having a greater workload,

On average, interruptions take 23 minutes and 15

more stress and frustration, feeling more time pressure,

seconds to recover from–even if the distraction is only a

and exerting more effort.

minute!

And guess what? This makes a lot of people feel For example, say I’m uber-focused, but then my hubby

annoyed, anxious, and irritable, as I do. Behavioral

comes in for a minute or two to chit-chat about dinner

scientist Alan Keen believes the stress and overload that

plans. Before I turn my attention back to my work, I might

comes from constantly being expected to multitask is

decide to take a quick peek at my email, and while I’m

causing an “epidemic of rage.” Interruption and task

doing that, notice that I’ve missed a call and three texts.

switching raises stress hormones and adrenaline, which

If I answer just a few of these incoming communications,

tends to make us more aggressive and impulsive.

it may well be longer than 23 minutes before I get back to work.

In other words, interruption drains our energy and dampens our performance. The stress, inefficiency,

I suppose, if I tried really hard, I could get back on track

inaccuracy, and time pressure that interruptions create

faster. But that effort takes focus and energy that I could

are the very opposite of being in the sweet spot.

be putting toward my writing or other work.

None of us needs the added stress of daily, constant Second, interruptions lower the quality of our work.

interruptions during these difficult times. But for most

A mountain of research has demonstrated time and

parents working from home, near-constant interruption

again that interruptions increase our error rate. For

is inevitable. We can work hard to eliminate interruptions

example, when college students that are concentrating

(see below for ideas about how), but in all likelihood, our

on a task are interrupted for 2.8 seconds, they make

efforts will often be thwarted.

twice as many errors as those who are not interrupted.

When they are interrupted for 4.4 seconds, their error rate

Simply understanding why we feel so irritated by constant

triples.

interruption can help. Research shows that identifying and labeling a difficult experience and the emotions

According to Glenn Wilson at the University of London,

that go with it allows us to recover a modicum of control.

just being in a work situation where you can be

This “name it to tame it” technique works by decreasing

interrupted by text and email can decrease your IQ by

activity in the brain’s fear and emotion centers, like the

10 points. For writers like me, the news here is even more

amygdala, and increasing activity in the frontal lobe,

depressing: Interruptions measurably lower both the

where reasoning occurs.

quantity and the quality of writing we can do in even a very short period of time (20 minutes).

Labeling what is happening with us in the present — both the fact that we’ve just been interrupted again and the

Finally, interruptions contribute to stress and overwhelm,

way we are feeling about it — is a form of acceptance.

making us feel conflicted and time-pressured.

Acceptance is not the same as resignation; it’s not that NOVEMBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ PARENTING ] our efforts to eliminate interruptions will never work,

problem-solve. But that won’t help us focus. We need to

or that things won’t improve. Everything changes. But

talk about the actual emotions, not the reasons for the

accepting our present reality does tend to make us more

emotions.

effective in the face of challenge. And fortunately, it can help us feel better.

Encourage single-tasking.

It might seem blazingly obvious that in order to focus, we

Tips for Finding Focus

will need to focus on one thing at a time, but this is no

Without focus, kids struggle to learn and parents struggle

longer the way of the world. Even though multitasking

to work. To minimize the interruptions and distractions

is wildly inefficient, it feels productive. Especially for kids

that kill focus, we can do the following:

who are feeling bored and stuck at home, having a lot of screens open and alerts coming in makes them feel busy

Designate a learning or working playing field.

and stimulated.

We all need a place where we can concentrate, and

But multitasking is the enemy of focus. The human brain

when we designate a place that is for concentration

did not evolve to focus on many things at once, and

only, we train our brains to focus better.

it can’t actually do it—it can only switch rapidly back and forth between tasks. This is a giant energy drain for

For example, a kid might have a specific spot at a small

our brains in many ways. It makes us tired (or wired) and

desk in a hallway where they do their online schooling

inattentive. Most of all, multitasking makes learning and

and their homework—and only those things. You will

working inefficient.

have a different place for work. Leave your desks to check social media or do anything but focused work.

We do better when we configure our work and learning

Step away from your desk when you take breaks. Bonus:

environments, our devices, and our online time so that

Our presence at that desk can be a signal to others

we aren’t tempted to multitask—so we’re less distracted

in the household that we are trying to focus, and that

by alerts and less tempted to check social media

everyone else needs to be quiet and careful not to

compulsively. Turn off all alerts and turn on “do not

interrupt.

disturb” when you are trying to get into the flow.

Identify your feelings.

Looking for more ways to find focus?

Interruptions and distractions can be both external (losing internet access, a Snapchat alert) and internal

Check out Unit 4 of my online class, The Science of

(feeling stressed or overwhelmed). Research shows

Finding Flow:

that when we stuff our feelings down (also known as

Introduction to Unit 4 – Focus!

“emotional suppression”), our intelligence and learning

Step Awaaaay From the Busyness Competition

suffer. Pretending to feel fine even when we are actually

Video: An Illness We Are Choosing

feeling something else takes energy and self-control, and

The Perils of Multitasking

that steals the energy and willpower needed to focus.

Activity #1: Schedule Time to Single-Task How Bad, Really, Are Interruptions?

The task here is to identify what we are feeling, not

Activity #2: Build Yourself a Focus Fortress

necessarily why we are feeling that way. This can be

Prepare to Drop Into THE ZONE

difficult. We can get attached to our narratives about

Activity #3: Outline Your Flow Ritual

why we are upset and get caught up in trying to

Short Video: Unit 4 Wrap-Up

10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

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[ TRAVEL ]

12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

[ TRAVEL ]

HOTEL SPOTLIGHT: Vespera on Ocean

by Elizabeth Kang

As California begins opening up again and we start adjusting to “new normals,” many families are longing to make up for lost weekend getaways and are rescheduling family vacays. The good news is hotels are taking Covid-19 just as seriously as its guests, with enforced safety regulations and new health standards. Pismo Beach’s newest hotel, Vespera on Ocean — Autograph Collection, is a shining example of these new standards, and manages to keep its guests safe while still providing a carefree, luxurious vacation experience.

This stunning new hotel boasts an enviable beachfront location on the newly revamped Pismo Beach Pier, with stylish and modern decor, a sparkling heated pool, a delicious modern Californian restaurant, and cozy beach-view fire pits (one of my favorite features.) Read on to discover more about Pismo’s newest luxury hotel.

NOVEMBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ TRAVEL ]

Location, Location, Location Just a three-hour drive south from the Bay Area, Pismo Beach is a convenient weekend getaway offering pleasant year-round weather and a much-needed change of scenery. Situated mere footsteps from the beach, Vespera on Ocean offers that quintessential beachside vacay we’ve all been craving this past summer. The hotel allows guest-only access to and from the beach via a key-card accessible gate, so privacy and convenience reign. The location allows for walking access to downtown restaurants and shopping, so guests can valet their car and not worry about finding parking or navigating unfamiliar streets during their stay.

Safety First When it comes to its guests’ safety, Vespera on Ocean gets it right. Masks are required anywhere indoors, from the inviting and stylish lobby, to its efficient elevators and nautical-themed halls. Once inside your thoroughly cleaned room, maid service is by request-only, so no one is coming or going unless a guest desires it. The pool is open by reservation in one-hour increments, and sectioned out so guests can practice social distancing with ease.

Outdoor dining and “knock and drop” room service is served from the hotel’s onsite restaurant, Somerset Grill, where servers wear masks and follow strict safety protocols.

The hotel offers plenty of outdoor seating on its stylish deck, with panoramic views of the ocean and multiple fire pits, so even at full capacity, social distancing is easily attainable.

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[ TRAVEL ]

Dining, Relaxing, and Playing With direct boardwalk access and miles of sand and surf at their doorstep, guests won’t have to look far for entertainment and leisure. A few hours in the sparkling pool and a few playing in the surf make for a memorable day of family fun. In the evening, wind down with a bottle of wine (and hot chocolate for the kids) by one of the cozy fire pits, and declare the day a success.

If you want to explore the area further, there are plenty of highly rated restaurants within a 5-minute walk, dozens of fun shops to browse, and the newly built Pismo Pier offers a fun playground for kids complete with giant slides that land them right in the soft sand. Beyond that, there’s kayaking the “Dinosaur Caves,” surf lessons at Sandbar Surf School, hiking the Pismo Preserve trail (1.5 miles,) beachside horseback riding through Central Coast Trailrides, and exciting Hummer Rides on Pismo’s famous sand dunes, among many other family friendly excursions.

Pet-Friendly, and Accessible Too! Vespera on Ocean is an extremely pet-friendly hotel, where dogs up to 45-lbs are welcomed to stay in pet-friendly rooms, complete with pet amenities. Dogs are also allowed to play (on leash) on the adjacent beach, so your pampered pooch won’t miss out on any of the family fun. This welcoming hotel is also accessible-friendly, as well, with plenty of amenities for disabled guests, such as ADA mobility and hearing accessible rooms with roll-in showers.

With warm fall months and fewer crowds now that kids are back in school, now is the perfect time to book that beach vacation you may have missed out on over the summer. Vespera on Ocean is an awesome choice to create sunny, sandy memories in a sleek, luxurious setting.

VESPERA ON OCEAN 147 Stimson Ave, Pismo Beach, CA 93449 Phone: (805) 773-1011 www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/sbpakvespera-on-ocean-autograph-collection NOVEMBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ PARENTING ]

Why Socialization is So Important for Preschoolers, Especially During a Pandemic

by KSS Immersion Schools As COVID 19 continues to be a concern in many areas, working parents in the San Francisco Bay area may be hesitant to place their children in group settings and instead opt for in-home care. However, it’s important to consider the social ramifications of continuing to isolate kids due to the pandemic, especially considering that according to the Center for DIsease Control (CDC), “most children with COVID-19 have mild symptoms or have no symptoms at all.”

Socialization is a crucial part of childhood development. Social interaction At KSS Immersion Schools, the top priority is a safe and healthy environment for students, their families and our faculty and staff. Our COVID operations plan has been prepared after careful review of the Center for Disease Control (CDC), state and county public health departments, and Community Care Licensing guidelines. KSS Immersion Schools specialize in Spanish language immersion programs for preschoolers in the San Francisco Bay Area including Albany, Oakland, San Jose, and Walnut Creek. Children aged two to six (2-6) can enroll in these programs and improve their learning outcomes in a safe, COVID safety protocol-compliant setting. Learn more at KSSPreschool.com.

fosters a “sense of self,” an important developmental milestone that influences one’s perception of the world. Socialization facilitates other life-long skills like confidence, communication, and problem-solving.

In fact, according to Harvard Edu Magazine, when researchers compared children with access to publicly funded preschool programs like Head Start to similar children who didn’t attend a center-based preschool program, they discovered strongly positive effects on children who attended center based preschools including improved vocabulary.

Encouraging preschoolers to socialize during a pandemic might seem counterintuitive. However, enrolling your child in a reputable COVID safety protocol-compliant environment provides socialization benefits with limited risk.

School Preparation Research shows that kids who attend a high-quality preschool are more prepared for school than kids who did not attend preschool. A study conducted by the Learning Policy Institute (LPI) found that children who attend good-quality programs experience significant learning gains that extend into elementary school.

“When participants are compared to very similar students who did not attend preschool, the benefits of participation are found to be substantial,” says the LPI. “Both preschool and elementary school quality also make a difference for the strength of ongoing effects in terms of achievement, school progress, and attainment.”

16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

[ PARENTING ] But why? Perhaps it’s the social environment of preschool

children gain a new understanding of their own

learning. By the time kids enter elementary school,

language (as well as learning a new language), should

they’ve spent several years in a classroom setting, which

further strengthen vocabularies. Socialization could

potentially provides them with a learning advantage.

be fuelling these broader vocabularies. In a classroom setting, kids in early childhood development exchange

Vocabulary Development

information, collaborate on projects, make friends, and

Children who enroll in a good-quality preschool have

cooperate.

better vocabularies than children who don’t, says research from the National Institute of Child Health and

Silvia Piedrasanta, Executive Director of KSS Immersion

Human Development (NICHD).

Schools, speaks to the cultural benefits of learning about another language and culture at a young age.

“Children in high-quality settings were found to have broader vocabularies,” says The Harvard Gazette, citing

“Empowered with a second language and appreciation

the NICHD research.

for cultural diversity, our students are ready to embrace the multicultural world they will be running one day.”

Also, these children are more likely to have stronger early math skills.

Silvia believes in the value of a curriculum in preschool, yet also emphasizes the importance of responding to

Language Immersion

children’s needs and interests.

A language immersion preschool, where kids are encouraged to speak another language like Spanish, is

“If we’re focusing on shapes in class but one of the

a great option for high quality, center-based preschool

students recently saw a bat, all the students want to talk

education. Incorporating children into a physical

about bats, we try to incorporate the current interests

language immersion environment serves two purposes:

of students into our lesson plan and be as flexible as possible.”

1. Kids can interact with other kids in a COVID-secure learning environment, which nurtures friendship,

Those types of learning opportunities are more likely to

promotes purpose, and boosts engagement.

arise in a group setting where children are encouraged to communicate with their peers, regardless of what

2. Kids can immerse themselves in a new language and soon develop the brain patterns of a native speaker.

language they speak! Time with friends is a crucial part of childhood and loneliness that can arise out of isolation could lead to depression or other mental health

These dual benefits — socialization and language

issues. Bilingual preschoolers who enroll in a language

acquisition — provide preschoolers with a range of

immersion program have the opportunity to develop

life-long skills, such as improved executive function,

enhanced social skills, experience improved emotional

cultural tolerance, and better chance of success in the

wellness, and foster life-long friendships. And, with the

future.

right precautions, there’s no reason why children can’t prosper in a safe, COVID safety protocol-compliant

A high-quality language immersion preschool, where

learning environment.

NOVEMBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

[ PARENTING ]

Choose Love.

by Dr. Laura Markham "Choosing love seems to mean swallowing your kid's crap." - Philippe My parenting mantra is "Choose Love." This reminds me that in any situation where fear is tightening its grip or anger is building toward an explosion, I can defuse the situation. I may not know what to do or say. I may be scared, or Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

angry. But I always have the choice to turn away from fear or anger, to open the door and let love in.

I can't always pull this off, but when I can, it always transforms the situation. In fact, it can turn things around so completely that it feels miraculous.

Choosing love doesn't mean that you don't set limits: "No throwing sand‌Out of the sandbox."

It means that you aspire to be supportive rather than punitive: "You wish you could play in the sandbox. It was too hard for you to stop throwing sand. We'll try again tomorrow."

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

[ PARENTING ] But choosing love DOES mean that you resist indulging

cooperate.

your own temper, even when you're angry. Instead, you pull the camera back so that in addition to your own

Children will often act thoughtlessly on their emotions

perspective, you see your child's. Maybe they're falling

even when it's not in their best interests; they don't have

apart or lashing out because they're tired, or hungry, or

a fully developed prefrontal cortex. (Sometimes we call

jealous of their brother. Maybe they need you to put your

that being childish.) But we as adults only stoop to that

phone down and connect with them. Maybe today's

level when we get triggered.

remote learning was just one zoom call too many. Or maybe you don't know why they're acting so obnoxious

The definition of getting triggered is that old unconscious

at this moment, so you take a deep breath and get

learning sounds an alarm, and we think we're in danger,

curious and compassionate.

so we go into "fight, flight or freeze." Our emotions grab control from the reasoning part of the brain.

Of course, any child can sometimes drive their parent crazy, and some children can do it daily. It's a fact

Of course, your child did not install that trigger. It's been

that every parent gets angry sometimes. But it's also

there inside you for a long time. In fact, our children,

a fact that children only gain the control to regulate

with their unerring instinct for pushing our buttons, give

their emotions, and therefore their behavior, when

us the opportunity to notice and heal our old emotional

WE, their parents, demonstrate emotional regulation.

baggage. And that's good news, because until we deal

After all, if we want our children to express their anger

with our own suffering, we inevitably take it out on others.

appropriately, we need to model that.

(That's the root of all violence in the world, including emotional violence.)

So yes, choosing love means that we notice the anger, swallow hard, and refrain from taking our anger out on

So what can we do instead of swallowing that suffering?

our child. That's why it's common for parents who begin

Heal it! When you notice your anger mounting, take a

consciously choosing love to find themselves wondering

breath and step away from your child.

if they're "swallowing crap" as Philippe said in the quote above.

1. Stop.

Resist acting. You're in fight or flight, so you'll feel like it's

But we're not actually swallowing our child's crap.

an emergency and you must take immediate action.

Instead, we're noticing our own upset, which is making us

Just resist speaking or moving.

overreact to our child. Choosing love doesn't mean we "swallow" that pain, which would be harmful to us. But it

2. Drop (your agenda, just for the moment, until you're

does mean that we refuse to take that old baggage and

calmer.)

spew it out on our child.

While you're angry is not the time to make decisions.

Don't let your mind get sucked into a storyline about why

How do we know this is old baggage? Because we're

you're right, or how your own parent would have handled

over-reacting, which means that we're triggered.

this situation. Instead, just focus on the sensations those

Even when our children provoke us, we're the role

big emotions are causing in your body.

models. If we "lose it" with our kids, we heighten the drama and make everything worse. By definition, that

3. Breathe.

is not in our best interest, or their best interest. It's not

Breathe into the physical discomfort.

demonstrating for our child how to handle conflict

Love yourself through it.

constructively. If you weren't triggered, you would respond to your child's inappropriate behavior by calmly

Sitting with our own pain is the hardest thing in the world.

setting limits -- even while acknowledging your child's

But when we allow ourselves to just notice the sensations

perspective -- which would help your child WANT to

in our body that signal an emotion -- without acting on NOVEMBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

[ PARENTING ] the emotions, without attaching a story -- the emotions

and work through it. So she doesn't have to carry it with

begin to fade away. Little by little, that old baggage

her into adulthood, like so many of us did.

begins to loosen its hold on us and to disappear.

Good! You've stopped yourself from being hijacked.

Of course, we talk with the child about appropriate behavior -- in other words, about not taking their

Now: Choose Love. See the situation from your child's

emotions out on others -- once everyone calms down.

perspective, with emotional generosity. Your child's

But we start by modeling it right in that moment, right in

actions may be unacceptable, but their feelings are

the face of our child's messy emotions.

always valid.

Miraculously, when we extend love -- when we accept You can see the hard part of choosing love. When we're

our child's emotions with compassion, without getting

stuck in big emotions, they take on a life of their own.

angry ourselves, even while limiting behavior -- our

We feel righteously entitled to them. In that moment, we

child's big emotions begin to heal and settle.

don't realize that we're overreacting.

So we don't need to swallow crap. Instead, we heal it.

So it takes courage to make the choice to turn away

The miracle of this mindful approach is that it works just

from those emotions, to turn toward love. Sometimes we

by bringing more consciousness to that old pain. Think of

worry that our child is "getting away with something." But

it as shining a light, and the shadows melt away.

all she's getting away with is showing us her own tangled

Because when we refuse to visit our own pain on our

emotions, her own pain. By listening and accepting her

child, we aren't only choosing love for our child. We're

exactly as she is, we give her a chance to face that pain

also choosing love for ourselves.

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

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[ PARENTING ]

Parenting expert and “recovering yeller” Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time…

The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling (Penguin, 2011.) Amy is a regular parenting contributor on The TODAY Show and has also appeared on Rachael Ray, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Steve Harvey and elsewhere. In her most important role, she plays mom to two teenage boys. Follow Amy on Twitter @AmyMcCreadyPPS. For more information on Postive Parenting, go to www.positiveparentingsolutions. com/course-details

Teen Dating:

5 Tips for Talking to Your Teen

by Amy McCready Just imagine. It’s breakfast time on a beautiful Monday morning. The sun is shining in through the open window, the smell of warm coffee fills the air. It seems like the perfect start to the week.

You call up the stairs to your 15-year-old daughter, “Come on down to breakfast, honey! We need to leave for school in 15 minutes.”

You expect the typical power struggle to get her out the door but are happily surprised when you hear her immediately begin marching down the stairs.

However, your happiness is short-lived when she makes it to the kitchen. There in front of you stands your daughter–your little girl–wearing…is that makeup?

Honestly, you’ve seen this coming for a while now. You’ve noticed the eye shadow and smelled the perfume. You’ve listened as her conversations gradually shifted from school and friends to boys and…well…more boys.

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

[ PARENTING ] Still, it seems impossible. Wasn’t she just playing tea party

That’s right. As much as it may pain you to do so, the

with her dolls a moment ago?

only way you’re going to build trust with your teen is by providing them with the comfort and knowledge that

“Mom?” she asks quietly.

what they tell you is safe from judgment from you or

“Yes?”

anyone else.

“I was wondering if it would be okay for me to go out on a date sometime?”

Now that the lines of communication are wide open, let’s talk strategy. Here are 5 tips for navigating this topic

And there you have it. The question you have been

so you can ensure you and your teen get the most out of

dreading since the moment you brought her home from

this very important conversation.

the hospital has finally been asked.

1. Start Small. Start Early.

Your daughter wants to start dating.

First and foremost, it must be said: It is never too early to

Of course, you want to shout “No!” But, because you’re

start having conversations about dating with your child.

trying to play it cool, you fight the urge to take her

Because the mere concept of dating can range widely

straight up to her room, wipe off the makeup, and lock

in interpretation from person to person, it’s important that

her away until she’s 30.

your kids have a very clear idea of what they can expect from the dating world before ever stepping foot inside.

The truth of the matter is your daughter is growing up,

Now, as awkward as it may be talking about dating and

which means having real-world, real-life conversations

relationships with your twelve-year-old, the conversations

about dating is now a necessity on your parenting to-do

you have early on are critical. This is where you can dive

list.

in and gain a better understanding of what your child thinks dating will be like when he’s older. It also gives you

However, if you’re like most parents of teenagers, you’ve

a wonderful opportunity to lay some ground rules before

probably had other important conversations that

he walks off hand-in-hand with his new crush.

haven’t gone so well. You know the reality of tackling tough topics with a teen can involve a lot of eye rolls,

Start small. There’s no need to get into the heavy

sighs, and attitude.

intimacy discussion quite yet.

But, you know this topic can’t be ignored. More than

Try asking, “What does dating mean to you?”, “What do

anything, you want her to listen, because what you have

you think happens on a date?”, or “What would be your

to say about dating is important.

idea of the perfect date?”

It’s no secret that your daughter is navigating some

Perhaps, for your child, a date means hanging out with a

tough waters and will be for some time. The teen years

group of friends, going out for ice cream, or riding bikes

are filled with hormone-driven dilemmas and you are

to the park together. Use this time to talk about how you

going to need to be on the front lines, ready to help in a

get to know someone better and what qualities he will

way only a parent can.

look for in another person when he wants to start dating.

Now is also the time to lay the groundwork for the

So where do you start?

expectations you’ll have for them when they do begin dating.

First and foremost, you must establish a judgment-free zone.

Will the date be chaperoned? What hours and days are NOVEMBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ PARENTING ] they allowed to go out on? Will you meet their date’s

Having a clear understanding of what she wants out

parents first? When will they be allowed to go on car

of a date will give her great insight into her own dating

dates?

desires. As an added bonus, it will help you get to know her a little better.

Setting the rules early on will not only provide you with a concrete plan to fall back on when the time comes, but

Remember, this conversation should never feel forced,

it will also give your child less reason to push back down

awkward, or uncomfortable for either of you. Take out

the road because they know what is expected of them.

the judgment, drop the inquisition, and, above all else, keep the lines open.

Hopefully, you’ve been having these conversations all along. However, should you find yourself blindsided by a

Trust me, taking an active role in making sure your

teen who is ready to, or already has, entered the dating

daughter is comfortable with the conversation now will

world, here are some tips you can use to help take the

pave the way for her to bring other issues to you in the

terror out of teen dating.

future.

2. Manage Expectations.

3. Plan in Advance.

As tempting as it may be to launch into a long lecture

It’s a concept that seems old-fashioned to us, but there

on teen pregnancy the moment your daughter asks

was a time when the perfect date consisted of burgers

permission to date, it’s best to ditch the birds and the

at the local diner downtown, an early movie, and drop-

bees talk–at least for now.

off at home by 10 PM.

As you already know, having any conversation with a

Yes, long gone are the days when teen dating was

teen is tricky enough, so it’s best to start on a lighter note.

simple.

So here you are, the big question has been asked: Can

Now, when you ask your son about his upcoming date

your daughter go on a date this weekend?

this weekend, you’re met with a slight shrug and a nonchalant, “I don’t know. We’re just going to hang out.”

Your answer may come easily. A “yes” would certainly

How frustrating!

make your daughter happy. Moreover, a “no” would probably ensure your happiness. But try not to be so

Of course, this is a very typical response, especially for a

quick on the trigger–this is a big decision!

teenage boy. Still, if you want to help lessen the dating terror–on your end, anyway–try encouraging your son to

Instead, answer her question with some questions of your

plan his date in advance.

own.

Again, you want to proceed with caution, without “Tell us about the person you want to go out with.”

encroaching on that nagging or prying territory. Keep

“What is your idea of the perfect date?”

the conversation light and aimed at helping him set out a plan for the date ahead. No need to be exceptionally

Now, the purpose of asking these questions is not to nag

detailed. Just try to help him answer a few important

or pry, so try not to go overboard. This is simply a strategy

questions:

for getting your daughter to open up about what she

“Where will the date take place?”

thinks dating entails and helping her manage those

“When will you be home?”

expectations ahead of time.

“Will there be any adult supervision?”

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

[ PARENTING ] Also, think about a few different scenarios he may face

“How do you feel about respecting your date’s

and ask him to come up with possible solutions.

boundaries?”

“What would you do if you felt your boundaries being

For example:

pushed?”

“What would you do if your date suggests sneaking into her parents’ liquor cabinet?”

As a parent, I know all too well how hard this

“How would you react if she lies to her parents about

conversation can be. After all, having your teen enter

where the two of you are going?”

into the dating world opens them up to a lot of new experiences–some of which may not be ideal.

Giving your son ample time to think through his responses

Make sure you know which situations they could

means he will be better equipped to handle these

face that would make them even the slightest bit

situations in a mature fashion should they come up.

uncomfortable. Even more importantly, make sure they know how to get out of them safely.

Yes, you can certainly expect to receive some pushback from your teen, but do not back down. Instead, remind

5. Come Up With an Exit Strategy

him that dating is a privilege, and the only way he can

A particularly ingenious example of an exit strategy is

expect to enjoy it is by having this plan laid out now.

what is known as the X-Plan.

You’ll soon see that those eye rolls and attitude are a

In a viral online post, one father, Bert Fulks, explained

very small price to pay for your peace of mind.

how he and his teen came up with a simple, yet brilliant exit strategy of their own. A simple “X” in a text

4. Set Physical Boundaries.

message would be enough of a signal for Bert to come

In today’s society, particularly with the #MeToo

remove his teen from any situation that made him feel

movement, we have seen so many examples of men and

uncomfortable, compromised, or in danger–no questions

women speaking up about their own experiences with

asked!

abuse and sexual harassment.

Parents around the world are now employing the When it comes to dating, sons and daughters alike need

same tactic with their teens. Not only does it provide

to know well in advance what they consider to be their

teens with a graceful way out of any situation they are

own personal boundaries. Knowing what their comfort

uncomfortable with, it also enables them to save face

levels are, how far they are willing to take things, and the

socially.

consequences of their actions should be at the forefront of your teen’s mind when starting to date.

However, please remember that “no questions asked” means exactly that. Any and all conversations you have

I get it! This is a difficult topic to approach. But trust me

with your teen need to be done in a safe environment,

when I say having a conversation about relationship

free from any judgment or shame.

boundaries with your teen is absolutely crucial to ensuring both their safety and your peace of mind.

When it’s clear to your teen that you love them unconditionally and will always have their back, you’ll

A few possible conversation starters may include:

find that these deep, important conversations become

“Tell me what you know about consent.”

more open, honest, and frequent.

NOVEMBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ PARENTING ]

Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst with specialized clinical training in infant-parent, child, adolescent, and adult psychotherapy. She has been on the faculties of New York University and the Society for Psychoanalytic Study and Research, among others. She has written extensively on parenting for various publications, including the Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, The International Journal of Infant Observation, The Inner World of the Mother, Newsday’s Parents & Children Magazine, Long Island Parent. She also wrote her popular column, PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE, at Moms Magazine and has been a parenting expert for numerous publications such as Good Housekeeping. and Bustle Lifestyle. She currently writes for Active Family Magazine (San Francisco) and blogs for Huffington Post. Her new book is Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child’s Behavior. To learn more go to Dr. Hollman’s website at www.lauriehollmanphd.com.

Social Distancing Doesn’t Mean Emotional Distancing

by Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. As parents we are under the assumption that our kids minds are filled with technological experiments and games, especially because they are so often left to themselves, but actually they are still reading about what’s happening in the emotional worlds of the story’s characters if we encourage pleasurable time to themselves, not because of COVID but in spite of it.

Independent learning is a great thing. Our kids will be drawn to it if they see that we as adults are also passionately drawn to quiet activities such as reading. They will see how our emotions are stirred by what we read so they, too, want that pleasure.

I’ve discovered to my delight that grade school kids do pride themselves on not only their growing ability to read, but when free to choose on their own what they read they choose more sophisticated topics than we might even have considered encouraging. Their reading stirs their emotions and helps them understand the

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

[ PARENTING ] emotions of others. I’m not at all suggesting that we do

drivers in them.

encourage one path or another, but instead see what our kids are freely drawn to and express our interest in

Why do children enjoy this reading with us? Because

what draws them.

they are clearly focused on the expressions frequently fluctuating on our faces. We can’t actually read these

What Do Kids Read?

toddlers minds, but we can try by watching them closely.

Close observation and listening to kids talk about books,

Listening carefully to what sounds like babbling, we

yes, real print soft and hard cover books, not E books

find they are indeed communicating their feelings and

or Audio books is very exciting. They are fascinated

wishes as well as their intentions.

between nine and twelve not only with superheroes but with mythological figures. Apollo is a superhero but a

How perceptibly their expressions change in response

complicated one that expands a growing child’s mind

to our own. Yes, of course when they are hungry or tired

and takes him or her into a kind of supernatural world

they lapse into their ego-centric age-appropriate states

where their emotions are stirred.

of mind, but when they are well-rested and alert, they’re learning constantly all about their feelings and the

At this ten to twelve-year-old age kids are fascinated

feelings of others.

by not only what is concrete and they see as real in everyday life but by what could happen in the future

And I mean constantly. We must be careful not to deter

and what has happened in imaginary futures. The

them from what they are concentrating on even for brief

emotions that are stirred in these fantasies of their futures

moments because we think we know more about what

are exciting and invigorating.

might interest them than they do.

Younger kids may not pick up the nuances of the

While we’re trying to drill toddlers on recognizing different

characters they read about or so we think. But they are

colors, they’re noticing the tiny ant on the floor and they

far more discerning than we often imagine. They know

bend down to touch it. They are curious about this tiny

when someone is clever or cunning, making a joke, or

being, even more tiny than themselves. Does it think?

being serious. They identify with some characters rather

Does it feel? Does it think and feel like me?

than others because the former stir their emotions.

So, it’s important to give up our focus, and certainly not What Kids Learn by Observing Us

be afraid that the ant will give them some peculiar germ,

Even the littlest tots who aren’t even engaged in

but instead get on the floor with them and watch the

language yet as we know it, such as one-year-olds, are

ant’s travels! They’ll learn their colors, I promise, but now

comprehending far more than we imagine. So, when we

they know something about natural life, how ants live

read picture books with them, while at times turning the

and learn, too!

pages is the fun itself, other times it’s actually the story line that stirs their budding emotional life.

How Kids Socialize in Our Dystopian World So we focus on how much or how little technology our

If you observe closely, which you need to do because

kids should be exposed to, how much screen time they

their attention can flit from one exciting thing to another,

should or shouldn’t have before and now during this

they are recognizing similarities and differences among

COVID experience. I admit I’ve even spent hours of time

not only animals seen in pictures, but expressions on

researching and writing about busy parents managing

characters’ faces. These days children’s books also

technology in our kids lives, but truly their lives are not all

reveal vehicles with facial expressions as well as the

about technology!

NOVEMBER 2020 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

[ PARENTING ] Their lives are about LIFE! The loves and joys of life. The

now. It doesn’t have to mean they won’t learn other stuff

beauty all around us that gives us joy by taking long

just like pre-COVID days. If you live in a somewhat rural

walks to colorful places stirring our feelings about what

countryside, take them to see sheep and cows. They

grows because we love to make plants grow where we

don’t have to visit a dense zoo filled with people to learn

live and where others live. Social distancing doesn’t

animals adjust to different lifestyles just like we do.

mean you can’t plant vegetables and flowers at your home which churn up invigorating feelings about nourishing and giving to others.

If you live in the city, point out the birds in the sky, set up bird feeders for hummingbirds they can stare at. Social distancing doesn’t prevent any of that.

In their somewhat current dystopian world of COVID even tots fix our masks in public having learned by watching that the mask should cover nose and mouth.

Social Distancing doesn’t mean Emotional Distancing Make sure you hug and kiss your kids as frequently as they enjoy, so they don’t confuse social distancing with

So this is their world now. The early walkers who want no social distance because they want to toddle everywher3 are being taught this odd rule to back away from others.

It’s truly unfortunate as if we are de-socializing our kids.

But it doesn’t mean they can’t pick flowers to leave on a park bench for someone else to enjoy who happens by.We can think about others, even if we can’t visit them and let them know that we are thinking of them.

loving you and you loving them! Cuddling, curling up together, sitting on laps must still be in their little lives.

Maybe even more so than ever.

While they have to social distance from their peers, even at young ages if they’re outside, it doesn’t mean they can’t wave and yell, “HI!” to them or even to strangers.

We can enjoy socializing even at a distance in real life, not only on Zoom.

Thinking of others feelings, what cheers them up, we can all do even for strangers. And leave a note on that park

No matter what we hope and think, it’s clear this COVID

bench that says, “Have a cheery day!” Or, leave the

world is with us and will be for some time to come. But

bundle of home grown tomatoes at your neighbor’s door

it doesn’t have to rule us, though it’s filled with rules we

with a note that explains you made them grow in your

must follow.

garden just for them.

Imaginative adults and imaginative kids can create new Let’s teach our tots to think of other people’s feelings

ways of living that engender caring tenderly for others in

even those we can’t converse with and play with just

as many ways as we can think of—SO WE MUST!

28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | NOVEMBER 2020

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