Active Family Magazine - December 2014

DECEMBER 2014

TIS THE SEASON… Santa Sightings & Tree Lightings

MEANINGFUL DECEMBER TRADITIONS for Families

The Ten Minutes that

CHANGED MY DISTRACTED LIFE

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Volume 1 / Issue 11

[ FAMILY ]

[ EDUCATION ]

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

The Ten Minutes That Changed My Distracted Life

Music Study and the Intelligences

Christmas Tree Lot Guide

18

12

[ EVENTS ]

Great Gift Suggestions from Lakeshore Learning

8 21 Ways to ‘Give Good No’

16

December Events

30

24

How to Discourage Materialism

20

Winter Break Camps

[ HEALTH ]

34

Help For Coughs, Colds, and Sore Throats

How Children Have Become Their Parents’ Bullies

26

Tis the Season…SANTA SIGHTINGS & TREE LIGHTINGS

14

40

10 Reasons Why You Are Not Losing Weight

16 Things I Want My Daughter to Know

28

32 Meaningful December Traditions for Families

36 Helping Your Kids Make and Keep Friends

42

28 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

20

36

“At Stratford School, our teachers encourage children to question what is… and then inspire them to think what if…”

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Design/Production

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Teresa Agnew Craft

Marketing Manager

Ad Design/Production

Crystal Wigton

Lara Mays

Rachel Stafford Dr. Robin Berman Dr. Michelle Borba Julie Upton, MS, RD CSSD Christine Burke Dr. Laura Markham Dr. James J. Crist, Ph.D. Dr. Christine Carter Dr. Melissa Arca

Sr. Advertising Sales Manager Maxine Fisher

Advertising Sales Manager April Gentry

Contributing Businesses

Advertising Sales Manager

The Growing Room Academy Lakeshore Learning Store

Cammie Cavros

Wardrobe Stylist Jeneffer Jones Punjani

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activekidsbayarea.com

Editor’s Note Another year has flown by! December always has a way of sneaking up on us, right?

We hope that this year you are able to relax and enjoy the holidays with your family.

Keep in mind, the days are long, but the years are short, so cherish the time you have while your babies are still living at home!

We hope this issue eases some of the holiday stress, so do take a look at the ‘Santa Sightings and Tree Lightings’ Guide on page 40 & 41 to find the Big Guy in action.

Also be sure to check out the December Calendar which offers lots of local activities for the family on page 24 & 25. Need to keep the kids busy during the school break?

Easy, put them in one of the Winter Break Camps found on page 34 & 35.

Don’t forget to ‘like’ our facebook page at www.facebook.com/activefamilymag for more great resources for the entire family!

Wishing you and yours an amazing holiday season!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activekidsbayarea.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ FAMILY ]

The Ten Minutes That Changed My Distracted Life

by Rachel Stafford “By offering to GIVE love, you are offering yourself a chance to BE loved.”

–Rachel Macy Stafford Something happened over the holidays that I wasn’t planning to share, but I’ve decided it must not be kept to myself. You see, lately I am getting a lot of messages from readers that say, “I am who you once were, but I don’t know if there is hope for me; I don’t know if I can change; I think it’s too late for me.”

Three and a half years ago, I said those same words to myself. In fact, when I began taking steps to let go of my distracted, perfectionistic, hurried ways I didn’t tell anyone for three months. Why? Because I thought change was not possible for me. I once believed I was too far gone to ever come back. But this past December 24th, I was powerfully reminded what I once believed was so wrong.

Here is my story. May it reach someone who longs to believe change is possible.

Believing is the first step.

We were supposed to leave the house in nineteen minutes. In my hand, I held my child’s holiday dress and her pretty tights.

Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.

“Honey, it’s time to wake up and get dressed for the Christmas Eve service,” I said gently to my seven-year-old daughter who was barely visible under a mound of blankets.

“I’m too tired,” she moaned without opening her eyes.

Two hours earlier I’d suggested she take a nap since we’d be up late, but now I was regretting it. My lethargic child looked as if she could sleep for several more hours.

“Come on, I’ll help you get dressed,” I offered.

She didn’t move a muscle.

This was not like her, but yet I was starting to feel agitated. “You can have two more minutes to rest, then it will be time to get up,” I firmly stated using a tactic that worked well with my former special education students.

After tidying up a few things around her room and glancing at my unusually puttogether appearance in her mirror, I told my daughter it was time to get up now.

“I don’t feel good,” she cried.

I expelled a long, hot breath before speaking. “Mommy is trying to be patient with you, but I am starting to feel impatient,” I said honestly. “I’ll take you to the

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] bathroom and then I bet you’ll feel better.”

At the pace of an elderly person with bad arthritis, she gingerly crawled out of bed and plopped down on the toilet.

“I will put on your tights right here,” I said knowing we needed to leave the house very shortly if we were going to get seats in the service.

“I don’t feel good,” she repeated once again—but this time the word “good” turned into one long wail. Her face crumpled in pain.

Daddy has offered to stay with you while the rest of us go to church.”

“Thank you, Mama,” she said closing her eyes with relief.

Thirty minutes later, I sat in a candlelit sanctuary, my breathing now slow and steady as my older daughter rested against me. And that’s when it hit me—the difference between THEN and NOW. During that episode with my younger daughter I had every reason to become frustrated, impatient, and upset.

But I didn’t.

Three and a half years ago, this is when I would have lost it. This is when I would have gruffly shoved her feet into those tights and barked that we were going to be late. This is when thoughts of my own agenda, my own appearance, my own timetable, and my own demands would have overruled all else. This is when things would have gotten ugly.

But things are different now.

I stopped trying to put on the tights. I leaned back on my bended knees and studied her a moment. I saw my small child (who ordinarily wants to please and do as she is told) not being herself. I considered for a moment letting her go to church in the Dri-Fit clothes she was wearing with her hair sticking up in seventeen directions.

I reminded myself that being a few minutes late would not be the end of the world.

And that’s when my child began throwing up. Violent heaves wracked her small body in waves.

Miraculously, I didn’t think about my lovely dress that I had never worn or the time on the clock or the fact she missed the toilet all together. I didn’t think about the fact our dinner party that night would have to be cancelled or that all our fun plans for the evening would be ruined.

I only thought was that my precious child was sick on Christmas Eve, the night she’d been so excited about for months.

As I bathed her and tucked her back in bed, I prayed she would feel better tomorrow morning. With the innocence of a child she meekly asked, “Do I have to go to church, Mama?”

I kissed her gently on the cheek. “No, baby. You are sick.

I was able to look at her as a child, not a miniature adult.

I was able to realize yelling or forcing were not going to help the situation.

I was able to keep what really mattered in perspective while my best laid plans went terribly awry.

Three and a half years ago, I never would have thought I could respond calmly in a time like that. Three and a half years ago, it was unfathomable to think this kind of change in me was possible. I was too Type A. I was a perfectionist … a control freak … a drill sergeant. I’d made too many mistakes. I’d controlled for too long. I’d already done too much damage. This was just who I was … who I had become … who I would forever be.

But there was a little voice inside me that said, “No. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can be the parent and the person you yearn to be.” And through God’s grace, I chose to believe I was not too far gone, that it was not too late. That belief inspired me to take one baby step toward the person and parent I longed to be. I locked my phone in a drawer, shut down my computer, pushed aside my to-do list and I went to my small daughter and held her. I will never forget how she picked up my hand and kissed my palm. Her loving response motivated me to continue to make myself fully available for small increments of time. To my surprise, those I’d wronged responded with love.

With love.

Like there was never any doubt.

My change to a less distracted life started with ten minutes. Ten minutes of putting aside the phone, the DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ FAMILY ] computer, the to-do list, the regret, the resentment, the impatience, the guilt, the pressure, and the doubt.

I pushed it all away so I could be fully available to love and be loved.

Ten minutes. That is where I started.

And today, that is where you can start too.

You may have a mile-long list of mistakes and failures, You may have yelled at someone you love just a few minutes ago, You may feel undeserving of another chance, You may believe you cannot change, I know. I remember. But I tried anyway.

And in that initial ten minutes of meaningful connection, I experienced a healing peace that I hadn’t felt in years, maybe even decades. That is when I realized life was meant to be lived …

Not managed Not controlled Not screamed Not stressed Not strangled

Not guilt ridden Not regretted Not wasted by thinking it’s too late to turn things around.

Because as long as you are breathing, it’s not too late to try.

Believe one small step can make a difference.

Believe ten minutes of open hands and attentive eyes can bring hope and healing back to your life.

Believe your life is meant to be lived … enjoyed … even celebrated regardless of what happened yesterday.

And if you are having a hard time believing, offer a few minutes of time and presence to someone you love.

Watch what happens when you offer yourself—messy, scarred, and broken, it doesn’t matter. By offering to give love, you are offering yourself a chance to be loved.

Be loved.

Be loved.

My friend, if you have ten minutes and a willing heart, it might just be enough to make a believer out of you.

As long as you are breathing, it’s not too late to try!

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[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Christmas Tree Contra Costa County ABC Tree Farm Delta Fair Blvd @ Century Blvd Antioch www.abctreefarms.net Enos Family Farm 23275 Marsh Creek Rd Brentwood 925.437.9973 www.enosfamilyfarms.com Santa’s Winter Forest The Streets of Brentwood 2565 Sand Creek Rd Brentwood 925.516.8500 Smith Family Farm 4430 Sellers Ave Brentwood 925.625.5966 www.jkdevera2.wix.com/smithfamilyfarm

LOT GUIDE

Clayton Valley Christmas Trees 1060 Pine Ln Clayton 925.672.5198 www.cvpumpkinfarm.com Speer Family Farms 5600 Christie Ave Emeryville 510.705.2352 www.wonderlandtrees.com ABC Tree Farm Sycamore Ave @ San Pablo Ave Hercules www.abctreefarms.net ABC Tree Farm 5041 Blum Rd Martinez www.abctreefarms.net Noble Trees 2590 Pleasant Hill Rd Pleasant Hill 541.998.3470 NobleTrees@aol.com Moore’s Christmas Trees 19901 San Ramon Valley Blvd San Ramon 925.973.3284 www.moorespumpkinpatch.com Windmill Farms 2255 San Ramon Valley Blvd San Ramon 925.820.0747 www.windmillfarmsproduce.com Toby’s Christmas Trees 300 N. San Carlos Dr. Walnut Creek 877.797.3043

Alameda County East Bay Nursery 2332 San Pablo Ave Berkeley 510.845.6490 www.eastbaynursery.com

12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

Delancey Street 1698 University Ave Berkeley 415.512.5148 www.delanceystreetfoundation.org Castro Valley Tree Farm 7001 Ebmud Castro Valley 510.889.1992 www.cvchristmastreefarm.com Moore’s Christmas Trees Rowell Ranch Rodeo Park 9711 Dublin Canyon Rd Castro Valley 510.866.6015 www.moorespumpkinpatch.com

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

Alpine Christmas Trees 6407 Tassajara Rd Dublin 925.961.2217 www.christmastreesbayarea.com

Piedmont Boy Scouts Tree Lot 890 Moraga Road Piedmont 510.655.8902 www.piedmontbsa.org

Location #1 241 Liberty Rd Petaluma, CA 94952 707.823.4547 www.grandmastrees.com

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Moore’s Christmas Trees 3598 Stanley Blvd Pleasanton 510.886.6015 www.moorespumpkinpatch.com

Grandma Buddy’s 8575 Graton Rd Sebastopol, CA 95472 707.823.4547 www.grandmastrees.com

Worth the Drive

Garlock Tree Farm 2275 Bloomfield Rd Sebastopol, CA 95472 707.823.4307 www.garlocktreefarm.com

Location #2 34050 Paseo Padre Pkwy Fremont 360.273.7216 klmtreefarm@gmail.com Location #3 Mattox Rd and Foothill Blvd Hayward 360.273.7216 klmtreefarm@gmail.com Santa’s Coliseum Location #1 5920 Oakport St. Oakland www.santascoliseum.com Location #2 1553 A Street Hayward www.santascoliseum.com

Santa’s Tree Farm 78 Pilarcitos Creek Rd Half Moon Bay, CA 94019 650.726.2246 www.santastreefarm.com Dell’Osso Family Farm 501 S. Manthey Rd Lathrop, CA 95330 209.982.0833 www.dellossofamilyfarm.com Rancho Siempre Verde 2250 Cabrillo Hwy Pescadero, CA 94060 650.326.9103 www.rsvtrees.com Little Hills Christmas Tree Farms Location #1 961 Chapman Lane Petaluma, CA 94952 707.823.4547 www.grandmastrees.com

DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ HEALTH ]

Dr. Melissa Arca is a pediatrician, mom of two, writer, blogger, and child advocate. She is author of the award winning blog, Confessions of a Dr. Mom and writes a weekly parenting/children’s health column for her local paper, The Sacramento Bee. In her free time you can find her at the beach with her husband and two kids (ages 5 and 7), coffee in hand.

Help For Coughs, Colds, and Sore Throats

by Dr. Melissa Arca Well it’s officially here, we are in the midst of cold and flu season. And with that; sore throats, stuffy noses, and coughs are a plenty. The thing about most of these ailments is that they are primarily caused by viruses (versus bacteria) so antibiotics just don’t help.

So while there’s simply no quick fix for helping our kids get through the run of the mill cold, there is certainly plenty you can do to help him/her feel (and sleep) better.

Here’s what you need to get through cold and flu season: • Cool Mist Humidifier: this is one of my favorites. It’s great for adding moisture back to dry indoor air particularly during Fall and Winter. It’s soothes sore throats, eases stuffy noses, and calms pesky coughs.

• Normal saline drops, plus or minus a good nose sucker. Young children often have not mastered the fine art of blowing their noses. So all that congestion just stays there, interfering with eating, breathing, and sleeping. And it can be quite annoying and frustrating for them. Try some drops followed a little gentle nose suction (I like NoseFrida). Do this before eating and sleeping to help your little feel

14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ HEALTH ] (and breathe) better.

cabinet for your favorite cough suppressant and/or decongestant; remember that kids under the age of 4

• Keep the water coming. Fluids are so incredibly important during your child’s illness. Keep a water bottle handy for her to sip all day long. It will replenish fluids lost through coughing and/or fevers and help

should NOT be given any OTC cough or cold medicines.

They just haven’t been proven safe or effective in this age group. In addition, they are not typically recommended

thin out that thick mucus. Never underestimate the

for children ages 4-6. So only use them in this age group

importance of good old fashion water.

if your child’s healthcare provider recommends them.

• Honey. For kids over the age of 1, honey has been shown to be a great nighttime cough reliever. Try 1/2-1 tsp of honey about 30 minutes before bedtime.

Remember that children under 1 are at risk for botulism if given honey.

But, the fever…

Yes, fevers often go hand in hand with a cold and/or flu (much more so with the flu). But don’t panic. Fever means your child’s body is doing its job…fighting off an infection. No need to rush in and get rid of it. Treat your

• TLC. A little extra cuddles and attention will go a long way in making your child feel better. It’s completely normal for your child to be extra clingy and just “not himself” while he’s sick. So, go ahead and pour on the love. It helps. A lot.

child, not the number on the thermometer. Often, kids will do just fine unless the temp starts rising to 102 F or above. In those cases, a little fever reducer will help them cool down and feel better.

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[ FAMILY ]

21 Ways To “Give Good No”

by Dr. Christine Carter We are coming to that time of the year that is both blessed and cursed with zillions of invitations. Here are some that are in my email right now: Can you meet me for coffee to help me with my book proposal? Will you bring a snack to the 8th grade party on December 19th? Are you coming to our housewarming party? Can you help with my son’s college applications? Do you want to take the kids to see “The Nutcracker” this year?

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

As much as I’d like to do all of these things, I can’t. When I take on everything that comes my way, I find that I start staying up late in order to get everything done.

And then, tired, I start pressing snooze instead of meditating in the morning. Before I know it, I’m too tired to exercise, too, something that is essential for my wellbeing.

It’s a slippery slope that starts with me taking care of other people’s needs at the expense of my own, and ends with me being too tired (and sometimes sick) to take care of anybody’s needs, my own included (much less do anything fun, like go to a party). Perhaps this is obvious, but just to spell it out: When we get sick and tired, we have a hard time feeling happy, and a hard time fulfilling our potential, both at home and at work.

But saying “no” can be really hard–I hate making people feel bad for even asking.

It takes practice to say no in a way that doesn’t offend people, much less to say it in a way that makes folks feel happy they asked. Giving no that good takes practice.

Here is my three step plan.

STEP ONE: PREPARE YOURSELF TO SAY “NO.” It is much easier to say no to an invitation when we have a concrete reason for doing so–a way to justify our refusal beyond the vague notion that we should avoid the commitment in question.

This means that we need to create the reason for saying no before we need it–we need a decision making structure, or “rules” to guide us so that we don’t have to agonize over every invitation.

For example, one rule I have for myself is that I don’t go out more than two nights in a given week, because I know that when I do this, I get cranky, tired, and run down. So if someone asks me about a third evening one week, I have the structure I need to tell them I’m not available (but thank you for asking!). Similarly, I only meet people during the workday for lunch or coffee two times per week, I only do two speaking engagements a month, and I only do one phone interview a day.

In addition to making rules for myself, I block out time on my calendar for things like writing (in the morning, when I’m most productive), hiking (in the afternoon, when I need a break), and for tackling administrative tasks (on Fridays, when I’m most inclined to want to just tick stuff off my list). This means that a lot of time on my calendar is blocked out, which can be really annoying to people who are trying to make an appointment with me. At the same time, however, blocking time out for the things I need to do to feel calm makes it totally clear to me when I’m just not available. This makes it much easier to give good no.

Finally, if I’m available to do something, I don’t say yes before asking myself a very important question: Do I want to do this thing, or is it that I feel I “should”?

Will saying “yes” bring me joy or meaning? Or will I feel dread or regret when this particular event or task rolls around? I’ve learned to notice when I’m glad I said “yes”; it has helped me realize how much happiness I get from helping other

16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] people. (I always try to help my friends’ children with their college applications, for example. So fun.)

One of the joys of middle age is that I now feel confident that if I do only the things that I really feel compelled to do (rather than the things I used to do because I thought I “should” do), I end up contributing more. If I find myself considering an invitation because I’m worried about what other people think of me, or because I think it will “look good on my resume,” I just say no.

STEP TWO: SAY NO. I’ve found it incredibly helpful to have go-to ways to just say no. I mostly use Renee’s “I’m already booked” strategy (see below), because that is most often the reason I can’t do something. Here are some other tactics–21, count ‘em!– that work for me: 1. Vague but effective: “Thank you for asking, but that isn’t going to work out for me.”

2. It’s not personal: “Thank you for asking, but I’m not doing any interviews while I’m writing my book.”

3. Ask me later: “I want to do that, but I’m not available until April. Will you ask me again then?”

4. Let me hook you up: “I can’t do it, but I’ll bet Shelly can. I’ll ask her for you.”

5. Keep trying: “None of those dates work for me, but I would love to see you. Send me some more dates.”

6. Try me last minute: “I can’t put anything else on my calendar this month, but I’d love to do that with you sometime. Will you call me right before you go again?”

7. Gratitude: “Thank you so much for your enthusiasm and support! I’m sorry I’m not able to help you at this time.”

8. Give Dad a chance: “You know, I feel like moms are always getting to do the holiday parties at school. Let’s ask Dad if he wants to help this year.”

9. 5-minute favor: “I can’t speak at your event, but I will help you promote it on my blog.”

I also asked my friends Renee Trudeau and Katrina Alcorn–two people who’ve honed their ability to say no well–for their favorite go-to ways to say no.

Here are Renee’s favorite ways: 10. Just No: “Thanks, I’ll have to pass on that.” (Say it, then shut up.)

11. Gracious: “I really appreciate you asking me, but my time is already committed.”

12. I’m Sorry: “I wish I could, but it’s just not going to work right now.”

13. It’s Someone Else’s Decision: “I promised my coach (therapist, husband, etc.) I wouldn’t take on any more projects right now. I’m working on creating more balance in my life.”

14. My Family is the Reason: “Thanks so much for the invite, that’s the day of my son’s soccer game, and I never miss those.”

15. I Know Someone Else: “I just don’t have time right now. Let me recommend someone who may be able to help you.”

16. I’m Already Booked: “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m afraid I’m already booked that day.”

17. Setting Boundaries: “Let me tell you what I can do…”

Then limit the commitment to what will be comfortable for you.

18. Not No, But Not Yes: “Let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you.”(Renee’s list is from her book The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.)

And here are the additional ways that Katrina most often says no: 19. Say nothing: Not all requests require an answer. It feels rude to ignore a request, but sometimes it’s the best way for everyone to save face.

20. Let it all hang out: Recently my daughter got injured in gym class. It was a week of visits to the ER, the concussion clinic, specialists, etc. I decided to just tell people what was going on, which sort of shut down the requests for a bit.

21. I’m “maxed out”: We need a “safety word” for saying no–an easy way to tell people that we can’t/won’t do the thing they are requesting, but that it’s not personal.

One convenient thing about authoring a book called Maxed Out is that now I can say “I’m maxed out” and people who are familiar with the book know I’m asking them to respect that I’m taking care of myself, and that I also respect their need to take care of themselves.

STEP 3: DON’T LOOK BACK. Plenty of research suggests that when we make a decision in a way that allows us to change our minds later, we tend to be a lot less happy with the decisions that we make. So once we decline an invitation, we need to make an effort to focus on the good that will come from saying no, not the regret or guilt we feel about turning down an offer. Perhaps we will be better rested because we didn’t go to a party, or we’ll feel less resentful because we let someone else help out. Maybe saying no to one thing frees up time for another (more joyful) activity. Whatever the case may be, focus on the positive outcome of your effort to give good no.

Because that is what all this saying no is really about: Allowing ourselves to really enjoy what we are doing in the moment, whatever that might be.

What is your favorite way to say no? Leave a comment at http://www.christinecarter.com/community/ blog/2014/11/21-ways-to-give-good-no DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

[ EDUCATION ]

The Growing Room Academy is pleased to offer beginning through advanced music instruction for children of all ages at our beautiful new facility in San Ramon at 23440 San Ramon Valley Blvd.

For more information please call 92582-5808 or visit us on the web at www.thegrowingroom.org/academy

Music Study And The Intelligences

by The Gowing Room Academy Are better students attracted to musical study or does musical study produce better students?

For years, this chicken-or-the-egg question has circulated among educators, but in the last few years neuroscience has responded with a definitive answer: music study develops better students. Music study develops skills that aid children not only in cognitive intelligence, but in social-emotional intelligence as well. Musical study produces positive outcomes for students in academics, social environments, and future endeavors.

Music is good for the brain Research indicates that the brain of a musician, even a young one, works differently than that of a non-musician. Neuroscience is revealing that children involved in music have a larger growth of neural activity than nonmusically trained children. Important regions of the brain that perform higherlevel cognitive function are larger in musically trained students. In fact, the brains of musically trained people are significantly larger in the temporal and frontal cortexes: these are the areas that control hearing and complex behaviors such as abstract thought and planning.

To borrow from the fitness paradigm: music is a major workout for the brain. The use of technologies such as functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) and electroencephalography (EEG) are giving us a greater understanding of exactly what happens inside the brain when it processes music. Imaging shows various areas of the brain light up when subjects merely listen to music; however, when subjects are actually engaged in creating or playing music, the results have been described as “fireworks” inside the brain. This activity involves nearly every region of the brain with every neural subsystem lighting up or firing!

So how do these neural fireworks translate to your child’s intellectual development?

Music and Cognitive Intelligence For years, experts believed that playing music wouldn’t actually lead to

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ EDUCATION ] increased intelligence. Past test results showing the across-the-board rise in academic scores of music students were attributed to the skill set, including better focus, acquired through musical practice. New evidence is surfacing that disputes this theory. In a study

by Dr. Sylvain Moreno, lead scientist at the center for Brain Fitness Rotman Research Institute, not only did the music students’ academic scores improve, but also their IQ scores. Although we know IQ to be relatively fixed, students tested before and after musical instruction recorded a rise in IQ points. This proved to be true even with beginning music students.

Music and Spatial/Logical intelligence Spatial intelligence is the ability to perceive the world accurately and to form mental pictures; it is the ability to visualize through the ‘mind’s eye’. There is a correlation between music study and spatial intelligence. Music improves spatial-temporal skills in students over a given amount of time. Spatial skills allow children to visualize and imagine solutions. This skill aids in problemsolving such as is required in math. Spatial skills also aid in solving multistep mathematical problems. It appears that music practice is a perfect adjunct to any mathematically based interests such as: engineering, computer science, gaming, or architecture. Another outcome crucial to mathematics is a better working memory. This skill allows students to remember and recall details even when the mind is busy.

Music and Verbal Intelligence Language development is influenced by music education. Music impacts brain development by actually wiring the brain’s circuits in specific ways; this effect can be seen on images of the left side of the brain where language processing takes place. The ability to hear, identify, and break down sounds enable music students to develop better phonological skills. Children come into this world programmed to decode sounds and words. Music education allows children to learn words faster, leading to earlier and better reading skills, and the development of a more advanced vocabulary.

Music training enhances a child’s natural abilities. Gains in verbal intelligence have been identified in as few as four weeks of musical training where vocabulary scores dramatically rise and overall literacy improves. This also can be attributed to the listening skills that are honed through music study.

Music and Social-Emotional Intelligence The relationship between music and language also increases social intelligence in children. Language competence is also the root of social competence; social competence manifests as pro-social behavior.

Music students are better at hearing changes in tone and distinguishing intonation. The ability to distinguish intonation in conversation is what allows children the sensitivity to understand the nuanced emotion in conversations. Understanding the meaning and intent conveyed through the voice allows children to be more empathetic towards others. Cooperative efforts through group and ensemble work also leads to pro-social behavior. Collaborative music is a great tool to allow children to interact positively with peers. Self-discipline gained through music study is also a key outcome. This quality aids students across all academic and behavioral spectrums.

Music for Music’s Sake The benefits of pursuing music education for children are numerous. Music does develop and engage the intelligences. Music mastery begets rewards. Ludwig van Beethoven wrote, “Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy”. Yes, music does produce better students; yet, test scores or brain imaging do not as easily measure the greatest rewards of musical study. Music’s greatest value to our children is its intrinsic ability to capture emotion and serve as vehicle for selfexpression. Ultimately, music is its own reward.

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[[ EVENTS FAMILY ]]

Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development.

She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek, People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail.

She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials.

Dr. Borba is the award-winning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited

by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check. www.micheleborba.com twitter @micheleborba blog: http://micheleborba.com/blog

How to Discourage Materialism Building Moral Intelligence: What to expect in the early grade-school years

by Dr. Michelle Borba During the early grade-school years, children grow more interested in the material world than they were back in kindergarten. Of course, at any age, kids vary widely in their acquisitiveness depending on how strongly materialism is emphasized at home, whether through exposure to TV or by older siblings or parents themselves. But, in general, many 6- to 8-year-olds are motivated by a combination of a young child’s basic greed for fun toys, an increasing awareness of what other kids have, and the desire to fit in by having the same things themselves. After birthdays and holidays, the question shifts from “What did you do?” to “What did you get?” And a more sensitive child may start struggling with feelings of shame if his friends tease him because he’s the only one in class wearing anonymous discount-store sneakers.

What you can do. Set a good example. At this age, kids still look up to their parents more than to their peers, so you’re the best role model for helping your child cope with our complicated material world. If you want to discourage him from developing an insatiable appetite for possessions, let him see you behaving with restraint and wisdom. Take him along to the shoe-repair shop, and explain why it’s worth re-heeling your favorite shoes instead of buying new ones (you save money, and besides, your old shoes are so comfy). Don’t let mail-order catalogues take up all your reading time, and comment that while you like his aunt’s new SUV, your 6-year-old station wagon still runs just fine.

Enjoy window-shopping together without buying anything to show that while it’s fun to look at store displays and gather ideas for gifts and other purchases, you don’t need to buy something every time you go to a store. But save the lecture: A few off-hand comments explaining your views will get the message across.

Turn off the TV. From cereal boxes to Saturday morning cartoons to clothing emblazoned with store names and Disney characters, advertising is everywhere in our culture. But television probably wields the greatest influence

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

FAMILY ]] [ [EVENTS on children, who watch commercials as avidly as they watch programs. Kids also make up a huge portion of consumer spending, as buyers themselves and as forces affecting their parents’ buying decisions. In fact, according to James McNeal at Texas A&M University, last year alone America’s 27 million kids, ages 8 to 14, spent more than $14 billion. Toy company executives know this, and they advertise relentlessly during children’s programs. Limit your child’s exposure to TV commercials, and he’ll be less likely to develop a lengthy wish list. Children’s public television, while it’s not strictly commercial-free, offers quality programs with much less advertising.

Don’t fulfill every request. Children who get everything they ask for don’t learn to handle disappointment, and they don’t learn to work — or even just wait — for things they desire. Do yourself and your child a favor by saying no to unending requests, even if that provokes tantrums in the toy store at first. Enlist the aid of friends and grandparents — who often delight in “spoiling” your child — by suggesting they buy only one gift at birthdays or holidays, instead of half a dozen.

Teach your child about money. Grade-schoolers can learn about the value of possessions by paying for them themselves. Giving your child an allowance provides him with cash and you with the opportunity to teach him how to use it, says Michele Borba, Ed.D, author of Building Moral Intelligence. His cries of “Oh, I want that!” at the store can be met with, “That costs five dollars. Do you have enough of your own money to pay for it?” If you want to institute spending rules, set them up right away so he knows from the start that, for example, half of his money should go into savings and half is his to spend as he chooses.

At this age, children should also understand that some expenditures — like groceries and rent or mortgage payments — are necessities, while others — like yet another Game Boy cassette — are optional. When he whines, “But I want a new scooter!” you can respond sympathetically, “I understand that you want it,” but then explain why he doesn’t truly need it: “You already have a good scooter, and they’re too expensive to collect.”

This teaches him that there are logical reasons behind purchasing decisions. It’s wise to avoid bringing adult feelings of failure or resentment into the conversation. As Paul Coleman, a family therapist and author of How to

Say It to Your Kids puts it, “This is not a time to say, ‘Well, I’m sorry, but we give you the best we can, and you should be satisfied with that!’”

Teach him to prioritize. If holidays or birthdays are coming up and your child is expecting lots of presents, give him some paper and ask him to make a list (or draw pictures) of the three things he most wants and then number them in order of importance. Borba also suggests telling your child, “Before your birthday arrives, let’s clean out your closet so you’ve got room. We’ll give away some of your old toys.” If he helps you deliver a box of his toys to a charity, he’ll be learning about empathy and generosity. But he may also get to thinking about how much he really wants lots of new toys if it means getting rid of old favorites.

Delay gratification. Teach your grade-schooler to think seriously about whether he really wants that new video game by making him wait for it. Have him write down or draw a picture of the item he wants and post it on the fridge along with a timeline of days — one or two weeks, say — until the date that he can go out and buy it with you. He can check off the days every morning. Finally getting it will be a much-anticipated treat, but if he loses interest before the time is up, even he will probably agree that he didn’t really want yet another game after all.

Show an appreciation for the deeper value of things.

Your child can learn that you prize objects not for how costly or trendy they are but for their inherent quality or sentimental value. “This is a good skateboard because it’s so sturdy,” you can point out. Or “This chair means a lot to me because it was Grandma’s when she was little.” Your child may not begin to adopt your reasoning right away, but over time he’ll see that popularity and high price tags aren’t the only factors that make objects beloved, and that quality is better than quantity.

Find out what’s fueling his desire. Sometimes kids (and adults) crave possessions to fulfill an emotional need.

If you notice that your son, who never used to care about games as much as his friends did, suddenly wants a PlayStation 2, talk with him about why that toy is appealing. If the answer is just that his two best friends both have one, you can have a simple conversation about the fact that it’s okay to like different toys than the rest of the crowd. Or help him figure out whether he’s DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ FAMILY ] afraid his friends won’t like him if he doesn’t have the same games they do.

Show how to give to others. Coleman advises exposing children to altruistic activities. “The real opposite of materialism is spirituality,” he says. “Try to do something with your child that’s focused on giving to others in a way that he can see.” Take him with you to bring dinner to a sick neighbor or to volunteer in a soup kitchen. That kind of activity can foster an attitude that will help counter materialism more powerfully than almost anything else.

Spend time rather than money on your kids. It’s not easy in our hectic lives to give children the time and attention they crave, but that’s the best way to ward off the “gimmes.” “If Mom and Dad are always busy, then the kids will retreat to their toys and TV and Nintendo, which is all materialism,” says Coleman. “Kids have to have something, namely a family life, to replace that.”

So try not to give your child things as a substitute for spending time with him. And make an effort to spend time together doing things that don’t cost anything — go to the soccer field and the library, take nature walks and bike rides, play a game of charades. No matter what your child says, he wants — and needs — a secure sense of family more than a roomful of possessions.

The

secret of education lies in respecting the pupil. [ Ralph Waldo EmERson ]

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22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ EVENTS ]

December Alameda County DECEMBER 5, 12 & 19 OMCA Store Holiday Trunk Show Oakland Museum of CA 5:00pm www.museumca.org

DECEMBER 6 America’s Children’s Holiday Parade Broadway and 11th Street Oakland 2:00pm www.americas-holiday-parade.com Amiguitos de La Peña Presents: The Bug Family Band La Pena Cultural Center Berkeley 10:30am – 11:30am www.lapena.org Tots Winter Carnival Live Oak Community Center 10:30am – 12:30pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us Enchanted Evening Berkeley Rose School 3:00pm – 7:00pm www.berkeleyrose.org Hometown Holiday Celebration Main Street Pleasanton 3:30pm – 7:30pm www.pleasantondowntown.net Home for the Holidays Downtown Livermore 12:00pm – 4:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com Holiday Book Sale Dublin Library 12:00pm – 3:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

DECEMBER 6 – 7 National Adoption Weekends Local Petco www.petco.com

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

Holiday Tea Dublin Heritage Park & Museums 11:00am or 2:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

DECEMBER 7, 20, 21 & 28 Family Fun Hour Coyote Hills Regional Park Fremont 2:00pm – 3:00pm www.ebparks.org

DECEMBER 13 Holiday Nature Crafts Family Program UC Berkeley Botanical Garden 10:00am – 2:00pm www.berkeley.edu Parents Day Off: Shop While Your Kids Play James Kenney Recreation Center 9:00am 2:00pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us

DECEMBER 13 & 14 San Ramon Valley Dance Academy’s Impressions of the Nutcracker Dougherty Valley Performing Arts Center Various Show Times San Ramon www.sanramonperformingarts.com

DECEMBER 14 OMCA Family Drop-in Workshop: WinterFest!

Oakland Museum of CA 5:00pm www.museumca.org

DECEMBER 16 HANUKKAH BEGINS

DECEMBER 17 Hear All About It: Family Story Night Dublin Library 6:30pm – 7:30pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

DECEMBER 24 CHRISTMAS EVE

DECEMBER 25 MERRY CHRISTMAS

DECEMBER 26 KWANZAA BEGINS

DECEMBER 31 NEW YEARS EVE

Contra Costa County DECEMBER 2 – 16 OR 3 – 17 Adventure Tuesday Club Nature at Night Lindsay Wildlife Museum 1:00pm – 2:15pm www.wildlife-museum.org

DECEMBER 2 Buzz Session: Dodge the Holiday Blues –Strategies for Managing Stress through the Holidays Danville Senior Center 10:00am – 11:00am www.danville.ca.gov

DECEMBER 4 The Princess Bride Thursdays at the VT Village Theatre 7:30pm www.villagetheatreshows.com First Thursday Shop Local Day and Night Downtown Danville 10:00am – 7:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

DECEMBER 4 – 7 TPW-Santa’s Christmas Angel Village Theatre Danville Various Show-Times www.villagetheatreshows.com

DECEMBER 5 Preschool Performance Series: Dante the Magician Village Theatre Danville 10:00am www.villagetheatreshows.com

[ EVENTS ]

December “It’s a Wonderful Life” Holiday Celebration Plaza Park Moraga 4:00pm – 7:00pm www.lafayettechamber.org

Annual Christmas Tea with Mrs. Claud and Santa Endeavor Hall Clayton 11:00am – 2:00pm www.ci.clayton.ca.us

DECEMBER 6

Elf Workshop Danville Community Center 9:00am – 1:30pm www.danville.ca.gov Saturday Shop Day Camp Program Nancy Boyd Park Martinez 9:00am – 3:00pm www.cityofmartinez.org

Bah Humbug! 5K San Ramon Community Center 9:00am www.sanramon.ca.gov Annual Caroling & Tree Lighting Downtown Clayton Carriage Rides: 4:30pm – 6:30pm Tree Lighting: 6:30pm www.ci.clayton.ca.us Holiday Book Sale Pleasant Hill Library 1750 Oak Park Blvd 10:00am – 3:30pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

DECEMBER 6 – 7 National Adoption Weekends Local Petco www.petco.com

DECEMBER 9 Fratello Marionettes: The North Pole Review Danville Library 4:00pm www.ccclib.org

DECEMBER 12 – 14

DECEMBER 14 San Ramon Community Chorus: Holiday Concert Community Center 3:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov Annual Holiday Home Tour Clayton Valley 12:00pm – 7:00pm www.ci.clayton.ca.us

DECEMBER 15 Mini Monday – Cozy Critters Lindsay Wildlife Museum 10:00am – 12:00pm www.wildlife-museum.org

DECEMBER 16 HANUKKAH BEGINS

DECEMBER 19 & 20 Hansel & Gretel Solo Opera Del Valle Theatre 1963 Tice Valley Blvd Walnut Creek www.SoloOpera.org

DECEMBER 24 CHRISTMAS EVE

DECEMBER 25 MERRY CHRISTMAS

DECEMBER 26 KWANZAA BEGINS

DECEMBER 29 – 31 Cool Critters 3 Day Mini Camp Lindsay Wildlife Museum www.wildlife-museum.org

DECEMBER 31 NEW YEARS EVE

DECEMBER 20 Dream Circle Holiday Concert with Miss Kitty Bay Area Discovery Museum Sausalito 10:00am – 10:45am & 11:15am – 12:00pm www.baykidsmuseum.org

DECEMBER 29 – 30 Winter Break Camp: Shipwrecks and Treasure Hunts Bay Area Discovery Museum Sausalito 9:00am – 3:00pm www.baykidsmuseum.org

Out of Area: DECEMBER 3 Free First Wednesday Bay Area Discovery Museum Sausalito 9:00am – 5:00pm www.baykidsmuseum.org

DECEMBER 5 – 14 Disney’s Mary Poppins San Jose Children’s Musical Theatre 1401 Parkmoor Ave, Ste 100 www.cmtsj.org

Diablo Theatre Company Presents: Cinderella Village Theatre Danville Show-times: 1:00pm & 7:00pm www.villagetheatreshows.com

DECEMBER 18

DECEMBER 13

DECEMBER 19

Sixth Annual Family Gala: Mr. Lunch Throws a Party Contemporary Jewish Museum 5:30pm – 8:30pm www.thecjm.org

Holidays on the Farm Forest Home Farms San Ramon 10:00am – 2:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

San Ramon Symphonic Band: Home for the Holidays DV Performing Arts Center San Ramon 7:30pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

Snow Days Family Fundraiser Bay Area Discovery Museum Sausalito 10:00am – 4:00pm www.baykidsmuseum.org

Scrooged Thursdays at the VT Village Theatre 7:30pm www.villagetheatreshows.com

Winter Break Camp: Art Attack Bay Area Discovery Museum Sausalito 9:00am – 3:00pm www.baykidsmuseum.org

Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ FAMILY ] Robin Berman, MD, is an Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. She is a Reflective Parenting group leader and a certified Simplicity Parenting group leader.

During her medical school rotation in child psychiatry, Dr. Berman realized that the best way to help children was often to help their parents, and thus began her lifelong journey of parental education.

After completing medical school and psychiatric residency, Dr. Berman started a clinical practice and did psychopharmacological research. She co-authored a paper on perfectionism that was presented at the World Congress of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies in Oxford, and which continues to be referenced in parenting books.

Dr. Berman is a founding board member of the Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital at UCLA and an Advisory Board member of Matthew McConaughey’s Just Keep Livin Foundation. She is the author of Permission to Parent: How to Raise Your Child with Love & Limits. She has appeared on The Today Show and Good Morning America, and her book has been featured in the Washington Post, the London Times, and Time Magazine online. Permission to Parent has also been published in the UK under the title Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later.

Dr. Berman lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children.

How Children Have Become Their Parents’ Bullies

by Dr. Robin Berman It used to be that kids were scared of their parents. Now parents seem scared of their kids.

At a toy store, I witnessed a common but ludicrous dynamic; a 4-year-old child was emotionally bullying his mother. The helpless mom repeatedly explained to her son that he was not getting a present because it was not his birthday – they were there to buy his friend a present. It was exhausting watching her quickly lose ground. The more the mother talked and explained, the more her little boy screamed, reaching a crescendo with a full-blown kicking and earsplitting tantrum on the floor. The scene upstaged the shoppers, and I was struck by how powerless the mother looked as she was taken down by her 4 year old.

It used to be that kids were scared of their parents and now parents seem scared of their kids. The pendulum has swung from children being seen and not heard to being heard and perpetually indulged. Parents seem so uncomfortable with setting limits and taking their rightful position as captain of the family ship. Their hearts are in the right place; they want to be more attentive to their kids’ needs than their parents had been to theirs. But we have over corrected, turning into a generation of “parent pleasers,” rarely saying no for fear of hurting our children’s feelings. And as a result, putting a child to bed or leaving a toy store becomes an ordeal.

It is unsafe for a child to have that much power; kids today are more demanding and more anxious. When parents are skittish about asserting their parental authority, too often kids learn that “no” means “maybe.” That gives kids wiggle room to keep negotiating, throwing fits and emotionally bullying their parents. This reinforces the bad behavior and fuels the notion that the louder they whine, the more they get. Push fast forward on a child who consistently throws tantrums and gets his way. What teacher would want to teach him, what employer would hire him, and who would want to date him?

We have to be able to tolerate our children’s stormy emotions without rushing in to fix them or we are unintentionally crippling our kids. We are trying to grow resilient

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] kids, not fragile, entitled ones. Buying another child a present teaches your child about doing for others, and that the world does not revolve around him. What great life lessons!

Let’s remind ourselves that discipline actually means to teach, not to punish or shame, and that setting loving limits will help raise a thriving child. We can acknowledge and empathize with our children’s feelings but still hold the line: “I know you want a new toy, but we are not buying you one today.” Period. And if the child continues to have a tantrum, you have to leave the store. You need to do what is right for your children, even if it means tolerating a brief drop in your popularity polls. You are the one with experience and perspective – a perspective that children just don’t have. Your job is not to please your child; your job is to parent your child.

We have to be able to hold a loving space for our child’s anger or hurt feelings while staying the course.

So how did the toy store debacle end? The mom, drained and exhausted by her child’s tantrum was at the register, purchasing two toys – not realizing that the real gift would have been saying no!

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DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

[ HEALTH ]

Julie Upton is a registered dietitian and communications expert specializing in nutrition, fitness and health. Ms. Upton is a nationally recognized journalist who has written thousands of articles for national newspapers, magazines and e-media including The New York Times, Prevention, Shape, Health, Good Housekeeping, Redbook and Men’s Journal.

She is co-author of The Real Skinny: Appetite for Health’s 101 Fat Habits and Slim Solutions (Penguin 2013) and Energy to Burn: The Ultimate Food and Nutrition Guide to Fuel Your Active LIfe (Wiley 2009). Upton co-founded Appetite for Health (www.AppforHealth.com), where she blogs daily about nutrition, fitness and health.

She is a frequent guest on national and local television and radio stations.

She has been interviewed on the NBC Today Show, CBS Evening News and ABC World News Tonight.

She co-produces Appetite for Health, a weekly nutrition news segment that airs nationally and writes for the companion website, AppforHealth.com.

Ms. Upton attended the University of Michigan and received a Bachelor of Science degree in Nutrition from Michigan State University. She completed her dietetic internship at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center, a Harvard Medical School teaching hospital.

She holds a Master of Science Degree in Nutrition Communications from Boston University.

10 Reasons Why You Are Not Losing Weight All Backed by Research!

by Julie Upton, MS, RD CSSD Want to know why you’re not losing weight? You probably have 1 or more of these so-called “fat habits” that are derailing your efforts to lose.

1. Overdoing “diet” foods and sugar substitutes There are no “special” or “manufactured” foods required to lose and maintain a healthy weight. In fact, good-for-you unprocessed foods like fruits, veggies, whole grains and lean proteins are probably the best foods to help you lose weight.

Many dieters get stuck on using pricey diet foods, sugar substitutes, diet sodas and other calorie-reduced items that aren’t necessary and they aren’t always associated with diet success. That’s because many people overcompensate when they have calorie-free sweeteners. They believe that because they used a diet product they have more leeway in their diet to enjoy other indulgences. For example, how many times do you see someone drinking diet soda with burgers and fries? A lot! Use diet foods and beverages sparingly and be mindful that they are only one tool to help you cut calories.

2. Using food “rewards” for exercising Whether food is your “reward” for all your sweat or you feel ravenous after working out, many of us overcompensate with what we eat and never reach a calorie deficit to lose weight. Exercise burns a surprisingly puny amount of calories compared to what we can put away with a few bites of food.

Even research on marathon runners shows that without paying attention to diet, it’s hard for a large percentage of them to lose weight—and that’s during peak marathon training where they’re burning 4,000 calories or more a week from just running. Remember, leanness is generally thought to be about 80% diet and 20% exercise.

28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ HEALTH ] 3. Suffering from the perfect-eating syndrome “Chronic dieters often adhere to strict all-or-nothing diets that are too restrictive and unrealistic. It’s like trying to walk on a tightrope for life, which explains their lack of success. We all will eventually fall off,” explains Marcia Crawford, MS, RD. Instead of thinking of a strict eating plan that doesn’t fit your lifestyle, focus on strategies that you can, with a little work, realistically live with.

You need to expect slip-ups to happen when you’re losing weight, so how you deal with a bad day, week or month helps predict success. Individuals who can lose and maintain weight loss can be flexible enough with themselves to bounce back to healthy eating. Think: Life Happens or as I like to say, #$%! Happens! And start fresh tomorrow.

4. Letting yourself slip & slide I don’t know how many people tell me that they just can’t lose weight, and they’re eating perfectly. When I ask them, “What did you eat yesterday?” most can’t tell me what they ate 10 minutes ago! When we really delve in to their diet, they see all the little nibbles and extra calories that they’re mindlessly eating. To keep honest, try to weigh yourself at least once a week and track everything you eat and drink at least 5 days a week. There are several great free online sources for tracking your diet, including MyFitnessPal and SparkPeople.

5. Ditching your favorite foods Diets won’t work for the long-run if you deprive yourself of your favorite foods. You can enjoy indulgences, if they’re planned for and accounted for as part of your diet. Many times, I will opt to eat some of my favorite sweets during the day and I’ll compensate by eating a light dinner of just a salad and/or soup. Or, if I know I’m going to have my mom’s chocolate butter cream cake for dessert, I will make sure I eat light all day to allow for a 500-calorie-a-slice cake. Remember the Ps of weight loss: Plan, Prepare and Practice.

6. Expecting too much, too soon Chances are you didn’t gain 10, 20 or 50 pounds overnight so don’t expect your body to shred the pounds. It’s easy to lose motivation when you’re trying hard and aren’t seeing results on the scale but stick with it. Regardless of what you see on TV (i.e., Biggest Loser) or read in the Hollywood tabloids, weight loss is a long, often slow, process. “Think: This is a journey not a destination,” says Theresa Gilbert, RD. 7. Eating while distracted If you eat and do anything else at the same time, you’ve got a seriously bad habit to address. There’s significant research showing that adults and children who have the most screen time, (computer, smart phones, videos, TV) are more likely to be overweight or

obese. But scientists say it’s not because they get less exercise.

Studies show that distracted eaters gobble up to 100% more after a meal compared to distracted eaters, and those who watch TV and eat consume 20-100% more calories compared to individuals who eat without distractions. While at the same time, distracted eaters reported being less satisfied. To increase satisfaction of meals and snacks, you need to only eat. When the brain is distracted, it takes significantly more calories to get the same level of satiety.

8. Eating out too much Eating out used to be a treat, something we did on occasion. The proportion of our daily calories from take-out or restaurant meals has increased significantly over the past several decades. Research shows that people who eat out two or more times a week are more likely to gain several pounds per year compared to those who eat out less frequently. Most dietitians recommend preparing your own meals and snacks as much as possible. Reserve eating out for special occasions or business travel. When eating out, manage calories by reading the menu and any calorie information available and forgo all the extras and stick with the most basic mean options.

9. Drinking too many liquid calories New research shows that we’re drinking a great proportion of our calories than ever before. In fact, one-quarter of the population drinks nearly 300 calories a day from sugary drinks like soda, fruit drinks, energy drinks, flavored water and gourmet coffee drinks. The problem with drinking our calories is that they’re less satisfying than when we eat foods, so we’re unlikely to eat less when we drink more calories.

In addition, most beverages with calories get their calories from nothing other than sugar. This sugar is rapidly absorbed by the body and may increase risk for metabolic syndrome, type II diabetes and may increase hunger and cravings.

10. Skimping on your zzzs This may be the easiest of all fat habits to break. All you need to do is get more sleep. Several studies have recently found that sleeping 6-8 hours a night was found to double dieters chances at losing at least 10 pounds over the 26-week study. If you really want to be a diet success story, make the changes needed in your life so you can get enough sleep.

DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

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[ FAMILY ]

16 Things I Want My Daughter to Know

by Christine Burke (aka, Keeper of the Fruit Loops) Nine years ago, a doctor handed me a pink bundle and said, “She’s yours.”

And while it wasn’t said out loud, I’m pretty sure the “don’t screw her up” was implied. I could swear I heard it, though.

Since the day that pink bundle was resting on my C-section scar, the weight and enormity of raising a confident, plucky, strong girl has never been far from my mind.

These days, with social media, celebrities who weigh approximately 46 pounds, mean girls and Miley Cyrus, parents of girls have their work cut out for them. Literally CUT OUT, since Miley almost never wears anything with fewer than four see-through holes.

Lately, I have found myself quietly watching the little girl we used to have transform into a young lady, and if I’m being honest, that transformation has me running scared. She just turned 9 this week, which means I only have nine more years to get her ready to fight for herself in the real world.

Nine more years to make sure she knows how to braise a roast, manage her iCloud storage and distinguish between a douchebag and Prince Charming.

That’s not a lot of time.

And it makes me twitchy.

I am The Keeper of The Fruit Loops, Driver of The People Mover and Manager of The Fecal Roster.

In other words, I’m a mom. An Erma Bombeck Martha Stewart with a Roseanne Barr twist, I have the organized cabinets and mouth to prove it. I live in Pennsylvania with my ever budget conscious husband, two blog inspiring Fruit Loops and my extensive collection of thrift shop finds. When I’m not writing, I can be found running marathons, governing the PTA like nobody’s business and pinning things on Pinterest like it’s my job. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter and in the smash hit books “I Just Want To Be Alone” and “Scary Mommy’s Guide To Surviving The Holidays”. For more information about Christine Burke, check out her website Keeper of the Fruit Loops: www.keeperofthefruitloops.com.

What if I forget to tell her something? What if I miss an opportunity to impress upon her the importance of never buying sheets with less than a 200 thread count? What if she leaves my house without ever having learned how to make the Thanksgiving stuffing her father’s side of the family eats (it’s DISGUSTING but, dammit, she needs to know....).

There are just SO. MANY. THINGS I want her to know. Like: 1. Girls should never apologize for saying NO. Say it to boyfriends, bosses, scary PTA moms and the pushy lady at Bath and Body Works. And own it.

Because you are allowed.

2. Every girl should own one couch that they picked out with no one else’s opinion except their own.

3. You may love him now, but his mother loved him first. Respect that.

4. Knowing how to cook will save you hundreds of dollars in your first apartment.

5. Tampons suck.

32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] 6. The first time you poop after a C-section, you will think you just saw God, all his angels and the Pearly Gates.

7. The girl is always entitled to an orgasm. Every time. It’s not just about him. And if he says otherwise, put your clothes back on and go home.

8. Life is too short for cheap haircuts and flimsy pink razors. Pay extra for both.

9. Every girl needs a good pair of tweezers. Because chin hairs.

10. Jackie Onassis never wore Daisy Dukes. You shouldn’t either.

11. The man to marry is the one who will stand next to you, not in front of you.

12. Shoes and handbags ALWAYS fit. So buy the good ones.

13. Nothing makes a woman look more in control than a well-cut dress, spike heels and red lipstick. Work it.

Even if you think your hips are too big.

14. There will be women who will judge you, challenge you and try to break your spirit. Ignore them. Smile at them. Pity them.

15. When money is tight, peanut butter has protein, oranges prevent scurvy and 10 bottles of wine are necessary.

16. If you are going through it, your mother probably did, too. Ask for her advice.

And this list is just the tip of the iceberg. I didn’t even get into the merits of binge-watching Netflix after a stressful work week, the necessity of milk chocolate or the fact that her thighs won’t always look like they do when she’s 16. There is so very much that I want to tell her, that I don’t want to forget to mention or expound on. To somehow make it easier for her to grow into the woman I know she’ll become. As I look at her now, sitting next to me, quietly doing homework, I am in awe of her. Speechless, really, as I watch this beautiful creature grow right before my eyes.

Fortunately, I still have nine years to remember what I want to say.

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Lawrence Hall of Science 1 Centennial Dr. #5200 Berkeley 510.642.5132 www.lawrencehallofscience.org

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Out of Area Oakland Zoo 9777 Golf Links Rd Oakland 510.632.9525 X 100 www.oaklandzoo.org

Contra Costa County City of Antioch Various programs available 925.776.3050 www.ci.antioch.ca.us Bay Area Adventure Camps 160 Alamo Plaza #1253 Alamo 925.276.2325 www.bayareaadventurecamp.com

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SF Zoo Camp 1 Zoo Rd San Francisco 415.753.7080 www.sfzoo.org

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Irvin Deutscher Family YMCA 350 Civic Dr. Pleasant Hill 925.687.8900 www.ymca-cba.org

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[ FAMILY ]

Meaningful December Traditions for Families

by Dr. Laura Markham Want more family joy and deeper meaning this holiday season? It’s possible!

The key is simplifying, so you can focus on what matters. Any ambition you have to give your child a wonderful holiday will be sabotaged by taking on too much. Nobody can spread joy and good cheer when they’re stressed out.

So first, just say no to everything that feels obligatory. Then, consider what you love about your holidays. Consider what you’re not so crazy about.

Finally, make a short list of what you want this year for your family. Maybe the traditions you have are the ones you want to keep, but you want to make a few tweaks. Maybe you’ll add a new one this year. You’ll find your traditions gain meaning as you revisit them every year, regardless of whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Solstice, or Kwanza. In fact, that’s what makes traditions. It can be as simple as having the same breakfast every morning on Christmas -- if you do it every year, your children will take great pleasure in it. If you ask your children what they love most about the holidays, don’t be surprised if they mention the little things you’ve barely noticed.

Relax. Don’t expect perfection. Don’t worry about getting it on Instagram; just enjoy it now! Be grateful for every minute, no matter how messy. And here’s an early gift to make it easier: 50 ideas for Family Traditions to get your creativity flowing as you think about what would most nurture your soul, and your family’s, this winter.

Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

1. Manage expectations. At the beginning of December, sit down with each child for a special hot chocolate date. Ask them to tell you three desires: *One present for them that is within your means. *One “together” present that you will do with them, like take them to the zoo. *One “giving” present that your child will feel good about making to gift someone else, like stuffing stockings for kids at a shelter, or making a framed drawing for grandma with his own note to her written on it.

This wonderful tradition gives kids everything they really need, and much to look forward to.

2. Get kids giving. Work with your kids to make simple, inexpensive, fun presents together for your friends and cousins: homemade bubbles, fingerpaints, clay, dress-up boxes, jewelry-making kits, puppet-making kits, candymaking kits, snow globes.

3. Elf on the shelf? If you can’t resist the magic of the Elf, then definitely squelch the idea that the elf is watching your kids to see who’s naughty and nice.

Instead, have him do good deeds while the kids are asleep. Tell your kids he loves when THEY do good deeds of any kind, too.

4. Go through each child’s room with them and create a “give-away” box of gently used items to pass on to kids who need them. Have a family session to

36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ FAMILY ] clean and repair old toys and clothes and take them to donate. A word of warning -- please don’t force your child. If he’s not willing to part with something, just wait until he is.

5. Send a holiday box to the cousins or grandparents. Let your children help fill the box with their drawings and photos of them engaged in holiday festivities. Be sure to let each child dictate a letter to include saying how much they miss their loved ones.

6. Make ornaments. Decorate felt trees with glitter, cut foil stars, and make colorful paper chains. Each year, help each child make a new ornament with his photo and the year. Your box of homemade ornaments will be the kids’ favorite box to open every year.

7. Give love with all presents. Help your child write “Appreciations” for each person in the family to go on their gift, as they help you wrap.

8. Use dinner discussions to deepen meaning. You’re eating dinner anyway. Why not have regular discussions throughout the month about why you celebrate and what you’re celebrating? Ask you kids how this holiday makes them think about the way they want to live their lives in the coming year. Open holiday cards together at dinner (let kids take turn doing the opening) and discuss what you love about the people sending the cards.

9. Make playdates special. Invite the kids’ friends over for a holiday card making party. Use construction paper, stencils and paint, line them with ordinary white paper with typed or written messages.

10. Give the party everyone looks forward to. Invite ten friends to bring over six dozen of their favorite cookies and some empty containers. Parents drink punch, kids drink hot chocolate, and everyone goes home with a mix of holiday treats from everyone else.

11. Go Green. Use only recycled wrapping paper, brown paper with kids’ drawings, or newspaper decorated with stickers. Wrap them all in ribbons galore.

12. Share your tradition with your friends. Have an annual tree trimming party. Or celebrate the Winter Solstice with a candlelit dinner, a roaring fire, and a night walk under the stars. Or make latkes and homemade applesauce to enjoy as you watch the candles in the menorahs light up the night.

13. Connect. Go gift shopping with each child separately

for other family members, but make a point of connecting to that child. Take her to lunch, encourage her to try on clothes and buy her something she covets (wrap it and give it later, of course). Make sure your conversation in the car is really special. She’ll remember these dates for the rest of her life.

14. Spread sweetness. Invite your kids’ friends over for a pie or cookie baking party. Together, take your goodies to your local soup kitchen, home for the elderly, or to the firehouse where folks are hard at work on the holiday.

15. Be elves. Have a family evening where you make holiday cards, or write them, or make gift-wrap, or wrap gifts together. Put on music and sing while you work. Don’t cook that night, have pizza and eggnog.

16. Make or buy an advent calendar so your kids can count down the days.

17. Pay It forward. Buy and wrap mittens and gloves for needy families. Or ask your kids to volunteer with you at a soup kitchen some Saturday. Or give them a set amount to spend and take them to the toy store where they can pick out a gift for a needy child, and let them personally deliver it to a children’s hospital, homeless shelter or charity drop-off point.

18. Dreidel Showdown Night: Your family will have a “geltload” of fun taking part in an annual family dreidel tournament. You don’t even have to be Jewish! Don’t forget to hide gelt so the kids can have a treasure hunt.

19. Bring the yule green inside. Go on a nature walk to gather greenery together. Bring a thermos of hot chocolate and just enjoy the fresh air.

20. Enjoy the glitter. Take a walk or drive to admire the holiday lights together.

21. Let there be light! Make a menorah together out of clay, spools, or old bolts. Or make candles.

22. Unplug the TV to avoid the toy ads, and use the time to make holiday decorations or presents for friends and relatives.

23. Have picnic dinner in front of the fireplace or the tree, or just light a lot of candles!

24. Make a gingerbread house together. Don’t worry what it looks like. The fun is in the doing!

DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 37

[ FAMILY ] 25. Gather your family and friends and go caroling.

Afterwards, gather for hot chocolate and potluck dinner.

26. Make a treasure map or clues for your kids to follow to find their presents.

27. Cultivate gratitude. Now’s the time to start a family gratitude journal. Every night at dinner during the month of December, record what everyone is grateful for. Or just write on slips of paper and add them to a gratitude jar. Read them aloud on Christmas Eve. 28. Take a bath by candlelight. Add glow sticks for extra fun.

29. Deliver Meals on Wheels for homebound folks. Have your kids bring homemade cards.

30. Write a family holiday letter together to send out to your community of friends and family. If the idea of paragraphs is daunting, make it in the form of a list of highlights from each family member, or a newspaper or newsletter.

31. Spread cheer! Spread pinecones with peanut butter and birdseed and feed the birds.

32. Go on a moonlit walk and watch your breath mingle and hang in the air.

33. Drive around your neighborhood admiring the holiday lights.

34. Go ice skating together. Take lessons if you need to.

35. Have your kids dictate thank you cards to everyone whose presence enriches their life all year long, and then deliver them.

36. Light an advent wreath. (Candlelight is magical!)

37. Lucky enough to have snow? Have a snowball fight, kids against grownups. Go Sledding.

38. Read a holiday book with your kids every night of the season. If you pack the books away after January 1, and get them out again every December 1, your kids will look forward to these books all year.

39. Every year, take a photo of the family in front of the tree, or the menorahs. Frame them and put them on the same wall so you can watch them change over the years.

38 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

40. Watch a different holiday movie every weekend during the season.

41. Leave cookies out for Santa. Once the children are asleep, make elf footprints to track from the fireplace to the cookie plate, and around the tree and through the presents. (Just use tiny shoes, or cut two sponges in the shape of small shoes and dip them in flour.)

42. Take photos of your kids opening their presents so you can send those big-eyed expressions along with their thank you notes.

43. Make light in the dark. Line your walk with luminaries -- paper bags weighted with sand, with a candle in each.

44. Celebrate snow! Cut paper snowflakes and tape them to your windows and walls to lure a snow storm.

Save them and add more each winter.

45. Write a winter poem together every year; paste them in a scrapbook. These don’t have to be high literature or even rhymes. You’ll be amazed how poetic everyone’s thoughts sound when you record them: “What I love about winter: The silence of cold nights/ candy canes so sweet/making presents for Grandma/ snow melting in my mouth.”

46. Take a walk. You know those times when the kids are bouncing off the walls and the house is a mess and you’re wishing you hadn’t eaten all those holiday cookies? That’s the perfect time to bundle everyone up and get out of the house. Yes, even if it’s dark. Your kids will sleep better after some fresh air and exercise, and so will you. If you want to make this a tradition, be sure to take a family walk after the meal and before dessert, on the holiday.

47. New pajamas as an “early present” on Christmas Eve. Why? You have to buy your child new pj’s anyway.

If you give them on Christmas Eve, it’s a lot easier to get your kids into their pj’s on this most-excited-of-all-nights!

Not sure it works with a new toothbrush, though.

48. Assemble a holiday basket with holiday food and toys for a less fortunate family. Often you can donate anonymously through your church or school.

49. Save holiday cards in a basket. Throughout following year, at mealtime, take the top card and say a prayer or nice things about the family or friend during dinner. That card is then placed on the bottom of the stack and the next night take the next card and do the same.

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TisSANTA the Season…

SIGHTINGS & TREE LIGHTINGS DECEMBER 1 Santa’s Arrival Danville Livery Every Saturday and Sunday 11:00am – 3:00pm www.danvillelivery.com

DECEMBER 1 – 14 (WEEKENDS ONLY DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 4 (DAILY) Holiday in the Park Six Flags Discovery Kingdom 1001 Fairgrounds Dr., Vallejo Various hours 707.643.6722 www.sixflags.com

DECEMBER 1 – 24 Ice Palace & Santa Photos Sunvalley Mall Concord Various hours www.shopsunvalley.com

Santa Photos Stoneridge Mall Pleasanton Various hours www.simon.com Santa at Broadway Plaza Broadway Plaza Walnut Creek Various hours www.broadwayplaza.com

DECEMBER 4 31st Annual Tree Lighting Ceremony Dublin Civic Center 7:00pm – 8:30pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us Light Up the Season City Hall Plaza Hayward 5:00pm – 8:30pm www.hayward-ca.gov Holiday Parade of Lights & Tree Lighting Broadway Plaza Walnut Creek Festivities: 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.broadwayplaza.com Holiday Tree Lighting Moraga Commons Park Moraga Tree Lighting at 7:00pm www.moraga.ca.us

DECEMBER 5 – 21 & 22 – 23 Fairy Winterland Children’s Fairyland Oakland 510.452.2259 www.fairyland.org

Santa’s Village Opens!

Dell’Osso Family Farm 501 S. Manthey Rd Lathrop 209.982.0833 www.holidaysonthefarm.com Alameda Mayor’s Holiday Tree Lighting Ceremony City Hall 2263 Santa Clara Ave Alameda 4:30pm – 6:15pm www.alamedaca.gov Breakfast with Santa Abert H. DeWitt O’Club Alameda 10:00am – 12:00pm www.alamedaca.gov

DECEMBER 6

Tree Lighting & Santa’s Grand Arrival Todos Santos Plaza Concord Santa arrives: 4:00pm Entertainment: 5:00pm www.cityofconcord.org

Christmas Tree Lighting Civic Center Plaza 3231 Main Street Oakley 4:00pm www.ci.oakley.ca.us

Home for the Holidays First St and Livermore Ave Livermore 10:00am – 4:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

40 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2014

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

19th Annual Holiday Sights & Sounds Parade & Tree Lighting Downtown Livermore 6:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com

Brunch with Santa Oakley Recreation Building 1250 O’Hara Ave Registration required 10:00am www.ci.oakley.ca.us

DECEMBER 6 – 7 Holidays in the Vineyards Multiple Wineries throughout Livermore Note: Santa will only be there Saturday 12:00pm – 4:30pm www.lvwine.org

Elf Workshop Danville Community Center Session 1: 9:00am – 11:00am Session 2: 11:30am – 1:30pm Registration required www.danville.ca.gov

DECEMBER 6 – 23

DECEMBER 19

Visit & Photos with Santa Main Street Plaza Downtown Martinez www.downtownsnow.com

DECEMBER 13 Breakfast with Santa Shannon Community Center Dublin Must purchase tickets!

Three seating’s available: 8:30am, 9:45am or 11:00am 925.556.4500 www.ci.dublin.ca.us Breakfast with Santa Hacienda de las Flores Moraga Registration required 8:30am & 10:00am www.moraga.ca.us

Visit from Santa Frances Albrier Community Center San Pablo Park Berkeley 11:00am – 1:00pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us

DECEMBER 20 & 21 Santa visits Alameda Homes Alameda Cost: $35/home for 10 minute visit 4:40pm – 8:30pm www.alamedaca.gov Santa has a mailbox at the Danville Community Center!

Bring your letters to Santa, December 1 – 12, and you will receive a letter in return by December 24!

Be sure to include your name and mailing address.

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[ FAMILY ]

Helping Your Kids Make And Keep Friends

by Dr. James J. Crist, Ph.D. Having effective social skills is extremely important for your child’s success, both at school and in life. It is easier to go to school if you can look forward to seeing your friends, talking to them at lunch, and playing with them at recess.

Kids who can make and keep friends are more likely to do better in school, be less depressed, and are more resilient when problems in life occur.

Dr. Crist is the Clinical Director of the Child and Family Counseling Center in Woodbridge. As a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, he works with a wide variety of clients, including children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families. He specializes in play therapy, working with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety disorders.

His most recent book, The Survival Guide for Making and Being Friends, was released this fall.

For more information on Dr. Crist, check out his website: www.jamesjcrist.com.

These skills are also essential for adults in terms of being successful as a parent and as a spouse, as well as on the job. Interacting appropriately with coworkers can make the difference between keeping a job and being fired. If your child has trouble making friends, you know from experience how tough this can be for them. Fortunately, there is much you can do to help your child make and keep friends.

Making friends is actually a complex task consisting of many different abilities and skill sets. Problems in any one area can make it harder to connect with others socially. These abilities include being assertive, having good manners, being attentive to what others are saying and doing, giving compliments, being empathetic to others, resolving problems, negotiating and compromising, sharing, taking turns, being thoughtful, being respectful, being in control of your emotions, and showing interest in others. Practicing these at home will make it easier for your child to use them with friends.

Parents are very important in helping their kids make and keep friends. This may start with the choices you make. Remember, kids learn best by watching how their parents interact. Is getting together with friends a priority in your life? Do you include your children in your social activities? Also, how do you handle conflict within your family? If there is a lot of yelling or name-calling,

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[ FAMILY ] you can’t expect that your child will not resort to this behavior with his friends too. When parents model positive ways of interacting with others, compliment and praise often, share, and work out problems constructively, their kids are more likely to learn these skills too and use them to make and keep friends.

In today’s world, kids are less likely to just go outside and interact with other kids on their own. Busy schedules and parental fear keep many kids isolated, which is why they often need help in getting together with friends. If your child doesn’t have friends to invite, and if you have friends with kids of a similar age, consider inviting them over to see if the kids get along with each other.

Be careful about screen time. The more time your child spends on electronics, the less motivated he may be to get together with friends, which takes more effort.

Studies show that kids who spend excessive amounts of time (more than two hours a day) using electronics (TV, computers, phones, or handheld gaming devices) are more likely to be overweight, have lower grades, and have emotional problems, including problems paying attention and aggressive behavior, all of which can impair social relationships.

If there are few kids in your neighborhood, you will have to put in some effort to get your child to places where other kids might play. For example, you may need to take them to playgrounds or parks. This is a fun and inexpensive way to encourage your child to socialize.

Be alert to opportunities for your child to invite friends over. For example, you might want to set aside one day during the week or on the weekend in which your child is allowed to invite a friend over. If this becomes the expectation for everyone in your family, this can promote the value of developing and maintaining friendships. If you’re going on a family outing, this would be a good opportunity for your child to invite a friend. This could involve going into a park, seeing a movie, going to a museum, or going out to dinner.

One way to boost your child’s friendships is to encourage involvement in activities. Sports are a great way to make friends, but there are other activities as well, such as school clubs, Scouts, church youth groups, Tai Kwon Do classes, dance, or even volunteering. Some parents insist that their children pick at least one activity. Try to encourage activities that will allow for socializing. If possible, talk to the coach or activity leader ahead of time. Let him or her know if your child has difficulty making friends and see if he or she is receptive. Often, coaches or leaders can encourage friendships by making sure everyone knows each other’s names, making sure they cheer on their teammates, having endof-season parties, etc.

If you are unsure of whether your child has trouble making friends, pay attention to how your child interacts with others. Does your child use a positive tone of voice?

Does your child make eye contact when talking to someone? Can your child start conversations? Is your child able to keep the conversation going? Do other kids seem to like being around your child? Does your child talk about inviting friends over, or talking to them at lunch? Can you child tell you the names of kids they interact with at school? Checking with your child’s teachers can also give you some clues.

In terms of helping your child socially, think of yourself as your child’s coach or consultant. You can’t do all the work for your child, because this will not teach the skills she needs to survive the social world. However, kids do need gentle guidance, a lot of encouragement, praise when they succeed, and understanding when things do not work out the way they hoped.

Be careful not to bombard your child with a bunch of suggestions are as to what she should do to make friends. Start the conversation by asking your child some questions. Examples include: • How easy is it for you to make friends?

• What do you think makes it hard for you?

• Would you like to make more friends?

• How do you think you might go about making new friends?

• Have you watched how other kids in school make friends? Do you think that might give you some good ideas?

One of the most helpful things parents can do is to roleplay social situations with kids. This gives them practice on what to do and how to behave when interacting with other kids. You can take turns playing the part of your child and a peer. This allows you to demonstrate the skills you’d like your child to practice and use.

You can also help your kids learn how to initiate and plan play dates. Making a phone call to arrange a play date is hard for many kids. You may need to practice this with your child a number of times before he will feel comfortable doing it independently. If needed, write out a script how your child should do this. Here’s an example.

“Hello, this is Rebecca calling. May please speak to Joni? Hi Joni--it’s Rebecca! How are you? I was calling to see if you might be able to come over this weekend. I checked with my parents and they said it was fine.”

Before your child has someone over, make sure you have a place where they can play. Involve your child in cleaning up if needed. Have snacks available and teach your child how to offer them to guests. Brainstorm ideas of what the kids can do together so that when DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 43

[ FAMILY ] guests arrive, your child can offer suggestions. Also, if there are certain toys your child doesn’t want to share, put them away ahead of time.

Be sure to review rules of behavior before play dates, such as taking turns, being polite, etc. At least at first, it is a good idea to stay close by when your child is playing with a new friend. This allows you to overhear their interactions. Don’t wait until problems occur. You can praise your child, and her friend, when you see good social skills being used. If a problem occurs, don’t jump into quickly. Wait a few seconds and see if the kids can work it out themselves. If things start getting heated, this is the time to intervene. However, don’t be critical in your tone. It’s better for your tone of voice to indicate surprise, as well as support. Here’s an example.

“Hey guys, seems like you are having trouble working things out. What’s going on? (Give each child a chance to explain the problem, and reflect back what you hear from each child.) Okay, so Susie, you want to play this game, but Joni, you want to play a different game. And you’re both having trouble figuring out how to work it out.

What are your choices? (Give the children the chance to come up with possible solutions first. If they can’t come up with solutions, offer some suggestions.) Well, one thing you could do would be to take turns. Some kids like to flip a coin to see who gets to play their game first. After that game, then you can play the game the other person wanted to play. How does that sound?”

It may help for you and your child they have a secret signal either of you can use if problems arise. This way, your child can come to you privately if needed and adjust her behavior as needed. For example, if while observing the interaction, your child tugs her ear, or asks what time dinner is, this could be your clue that she needs help. You can also ask your child for help in the other room as a signal that you need to talk privately about his behavior with his friend. Remember that the younger the child, the shorter the play date should be.

Kids get tired more easily, and will get cranky if they overdo it. A snack break can also give the kids some down time.

If your child’s friendship problems are not getting better through your guidance, seeking professional help is wise. It is possible that there is an underlying problem, such as a mental health disorder, that is keeping your child from being successful. Some children respond well to individual counseling to work on social skills. Other children do better in social skill group counseling, which allows kids to learn social skills and practice them on other group members.

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Foundations Tutoring Building a Brighter Future Unlock Your Child's Potential

 One-on-one tutoring programs in reading, writing, and math  Intensive, multi-sensory interventions that really work!  Steady, permanent progress that won't fade

Some warning signs of reading challenges  Choppy reading; often ignores punctuation  Slow reading rate, or reading may be fast and inaccurate  Doesn’t enjoy reading for pleasure  Makes errors such as substituting, adding, changing, repeating & leaving out words  Unable to sound out unknown words  Spelling difficulties  Poor grades/and or test scores Mention Active Families and receive 10% off an initial assessment www.FoundationsTutoring.org 4713 First Street, suite 150 Pleasanton, CA 94566 925-425-0652

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

Discovery awaits

The Growing Room Academy Enrichment Center For Students, Families and the Community

Before & After School Classes Daily Membership or Pay Per Use Night & Evening Enrichment Classes Tutoring Parties & Events, and much more!

Questions? Call 925.820.5808

www.thegrowingroom.org 2340 SAN RAMON VALLEY BLVD. SAN RAMON, CA 94583 info@thegrowingroom.org ACADEMICS

STEM

TECHNOLOGY

LANGUAGE & CULTURE

ARTS

MUSIC

MOVEMENT

BE a Kid

Bring this in for a

Free Family Pass* GET STARTED TODAY!

*Some restrictions apply. Must be a local resident, first-time guest, 21 years or older to receive free family pass. One per household. Call or come in between 9am and 7pm. ID is required. Expires 11/30/14.

Pleasanton 925/271-0562

Fremont 510/402-1508

Valley Vista 925/478-4716

San Jose 408/571-6355

Walnut Creek 925/478-4709

WWW.CLUBSPORTS.COM DECEMBER 2014 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 45

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

Celma’s Housecleaning Service celmaoliveira789@yahoo.com

(925) 826-6397

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Personalized Riding Lessons for All Ages Beginning to Advanced Specialized Lessons in Dressage Jumping and Cross Country Horse Management lessons

Enroll Today SAN Ramon & The horse park at Woodside 925-588-1480 | eastbayriding@gmail.com

www.eastbayridingacademy.com

Dr. Ozzie Jafarnia

DDS, Board Certified

Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry

Dr. Noyan Aynechi DDS, Board Certified

Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry

Nothing is more beautiful than your child’s smile!

Welcome to Danville Pediatric Dentistry and Orthodontics! ! Our office is committed to providing excellent preventative care for children in a warm, positive, and compassionate environment.

We specialize in comprehensive dental care for children of all ages with an emphasis on prevention and health. As your child grows, we are able to provide comprehensive orthodontic care for children and teens. This is to help create and maintain a healthy smile into adulthood. We will do so by providing excellent treatment at the right time for the right reason with integrity, honesty and a caring heart.

Your child’s smile is our top priority.

We are committed to making it the happiest, healthiest and straightest smile possible. After all, nothing is more beautiful than your child's smile!

4145 Blackhawk Plaza Circle, Ste. 203, Danville

Dr. Reem Stephanos DDS, MS

925-837-7745 • drozzie.com

Specialist in Orthodontics

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Preschool

Education is a Lifelong Commitment

An academic preschool with full and half day schedules.

Open House Every Wednesday 8:30 a.m. - 12 p.m.

RSVP today at www.QuarryLane.org/Preschool

PLEASANTON WEST CAMPUS

PLEASANTON EAST CAMPUS

925.462.6300

925.846.9400

Preschool and Pre-Kindergarten 4444B Black Ave., Pleasanton, CA

Infant through Pre-Kindergarten 3750 Boulder St., Pleasanton, CA

CA Licenses: 013411303, 013411304, 013411305, 013417681