DECEMBER 2015
12 DAILY
VOWS
TO GRASP
What Matters This Holiday Season
SANTA HOW TO DISCOURAGE MATERIALISM
SIGHTINGS
& Tree Lightings
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Preparing students for their 21st century futures stratford school provides an unparalleled education where children are inspired to be creative problem solvers, innovators, and leaders. These 21st century qualities provide children with the knowledge, confidence, and ingenuity to help them excel in future careers!
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The curiosity to reach. The courage to grasp.
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preschool state License numbers: 073402482, 013417816, 013420588, 434404890, 434408056, 434407977, 434404336, 434406722, 434408877, 384001837, 434410807, 434410816, 073406680, 013420939, 414004014. Š 2015 stratford schools, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Volume 2 / Issue 23
[ PARENTING ] 12 Daily Vows To Grasp What Matters This Holiday
8
Four Developments That Drive Success
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
34
12
Indoor Play Guide
How To Discourage Materialism
36
The First Cell Phone: Rules For Responsibility
16
Ice Rinks Across The Bay
32
What To Do If You’re Concerned About Your Kids’ Friends
Santa Sightings & Tree Lightings
40
How Children Have Become Their Parents’ Bullies
42
20
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] December Calendar
[ EVENTS ] Friendships In The Workplace
Redirecting The Holiday Gimmes
26
28
24 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
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24
32
science+sports sports
Sports Performance Lecture Series 2015 FREE AND OPEN TO: • Athletes age 9 to 25 and parents • Youth sports coaches • Athletic trainers • Athletic directors MORE INFO/RSVP: Walnut Creek (925) 979-3420 Oakland (510) 428-3558
MORE INFO/RSVP: Walnut Creek (925) 979-3420 Oakland (510) 428-3558
Sports Medicine Center For Young Athletes
Sports Performance Lecture & Hands-on Workshop Schedule 2015 ACL
Nutrition
ACL INJURIES AND PREVENTION IN YOUTH SPORTS Tuesday, September 15, 2015, 7-8 p.m. Lecture & Hands-On Workshop Walnut Creek Campus
SPORTS NUTRITION: FUELING THE FURNACE Tuesday, November 10, 2015, 7-8 p.m. Lecture Walnut Creek Campus
Skiing/Snowboarding
Basketball
WINTER SPORTS CONDITIONING (SKIING/SNOWBOARDING) Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 7-8 p.m. Walnut Creek Campus Lecture & Hands-On Workshop
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Walnut Creek Campus 2401 Shadelands Dr., Suite 180, Walnut Creek (925) 979-3420
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Walnut Creek
Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor
Design/Production
Contributing Authors
Tracie Brown Vollgraf
Teresa Agnew Craft
Advertising Sales Managers
Ad Design/Production
April Gentry
Lara Mays
Rachel Macy Stafford Dr. Laura Markham Betsy Brown Braun Shasta Nelson Anastasia Gavalas Dr. Michel Borba Dr. Robin Berman
Marketing Assistant Interns Jaida Sinclair Alexis Faria
Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566
Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com
Editor’s Note During a time of unrest, while we all struggle to make sense of the devastating events taking place around the world, we hope you are able to hug your family tight, appreciate the little things and enjoy your holiday season. Together, we CAN raise loving, respectful human beings full of compassion and empathy. Together, we CAN support our neighbors and community. Together, we CAN recognize each person’s story and try to walk in their shoes and remember that it takes a village to get through each day. Together, we CAN lean on each other, lend a hand to those in need and offer understanding and support to those who need it. The holidays are about reflection, being thankful for what we have, family and love. During this holiday season, the Active Family staff wishes you all these things and much more. Happy Holidays Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com
6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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Palo Alto Medical Foundation Sutter East Bay Medical Foundation DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7
[ PARENTING ]
Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.
12 Daily Vows to Grasp What Matters This Holiday by Rachel Macy Stafford My holiday goal has changed over the years. My former goal for December 25th involved boxes—checking off boxes, wrapping up boxes, and stuffing emotions in a box until they came out in some negative form or another. My former holiday goal focused on how things looked rather than on how they felt. From the outside, it looked like picture-perfect happiness but underneath was exhaustion … comparison … irritation … stress … and frustration. I would collapse after Christmas not really having one significant memory to cherish because I’d been too busy, too annoyed, too distracted, and too overwhelmed. But at the close of 2010, I received a powerful wake-up call that changed my holiday goal indefinitely. In the days following our family’s Christmas, my mom had a transient ischemic attack (or mini-stroke) and was unable to remember the holiday we’d just shared together. It had been a very special holiday because it was my first Hands Free holiday. I’d let go of distraction and perfection in ways I didn’t
8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ PARENTING ] think I ever could. One of my fondest memories of that Christmas was sitting at the kitchen table with my family painting glasses to use at our Christmas Eve dinner. It was ten o’clock a.m. and we were still in our pajamas. We’d eaten cookies for breakfast. My older daughter wore evidence of this delightful indulgence on her face but I didn’t dare wipe it off. The way she smiled to herself as she painted was a moment I refused to obliterate with a paper napkin. For the first time in a long time I saw joy, and it had paint-smudged fingers and lips covered in chocolate. There was much to be done in the way of cooking and gift preparation that morning, but it could wait. For the first time in a long time, it could wait. Instead I sat there painting next to my children who were free to paint their glasses any way they wanted. I’d made it clear to my inner drill sergeant that she was not welcome here. My mom sat with us too. Her vein-lined hand was steady as she painted a flower on her glass. She talked of the small Christmas candies she got as a girl. There was holiday music playing. I felt peaceful, not frenzied. I felt beautiful, not too soft or unkempt. I felt present, not scattered in one hundred million different directions. There’d been more laughter, more connections, and more memories made that Christmas than ever before. And my mom couldn’t remember them, but I could. Thank God, I could. Right then and there I knew that the holidays must be Hands Free from then on. I vowed to stop worrying so much about the minor details and think about the big picture. What will my loved ones remember about today? That became my daily question over our holiday breaks. I knew it would not be the roasted potatoes being seasoned with fresh rosemary or the twinkle lights that decorated the staircase. It would be the way I got down and peered into the new dollhouse and said, “Can I play too?” It would be the walk I took with my mom and sister, going slowly because my mom needed a gentle pace. It would be how I asked my dad to tell me again about his darkest period of depression and how he saw the light again. It would be how I watched my husband’s favorite football team because there was an open spot next him, and it was made for me. I knew I didn’t want to be so busy flittering from point A to point Z that I missed the opportunity to hear the stories, take the walks, or get down on my knees and play. I wanted to decorate glasses in my pajamas instead of
dusting crystal in my finest attire. What will my loved ones remember today? I hoped it would be my love, my presence, my patience, and my laugh. I wanted more than anything for them to remember my laugh. I now have four Hands Free holidays under my belt and although I am still a work-in-progress, I think I’ve finally nailed down my goal for the holidays. It is this: To gather together with our messy, imperfect hearts and create memories that outlast us all. But here’s the thing: goals are not reached without intention, mindfulness, and action steps. So I have written some daily vows that I believe will help me get as close as I can to a meaningful and memorable holiday goal. Feel free to use one or more of these daily intentions to create more room in your holiday for love, laughter, connection, and memory making. 12 Daily Vows to Grasp What Matters This Holiday Today I will look for the blessings among the chaos, the challenge, and the clutter. If I don’t see them right away, I will keep looking. Today I will say, “Take your time,” and “How would you do it?” even if it feels funny and awkward coming from my lips. I will seek to find my loved ones’ Soul-Building Words and speak them often. Today I will view holiday experiences through the eyes of my child so my eyes can see the puffiness of the marshmallows, not the spilled cocoa … so my eyes can see the handmade ornaments, not the crooked tree … so my eyes can see the way her face lights up at the sight of the gift, not the wrapping paper covering the floor. Today I will be a Lingerer, a Take Your Timer, and a Last to Let Go Embracer even if I have to fake it. Love will keep me coming back until I can be the real deal. Today I will take off the manager nameplate and dismiss the inner bully so my home can be a loving environment where we are all learning from our mistakes and embracing our imperfections. Today I will resist the pressure to fill the sacred spaces of my day with unnecessary stuff. Today I will say no to the outside world so I can say yes to the people who are my world. Today I will savor every bite of my family’s favorite recipes DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9
[[ PARENTING ] SEASONAL FUN ] instead of obsessing over table decor, fat grams, or how soon the mess can be cleaned up.
Adventures in Learning Early Childhood Center
Today I will absorb the memories of my relatives shared across the dinner table instead of consuming myself with status updates of those I barely know on a screen. Today I will acknowledge that a beautifully imperfect memory is at my fingertips if I pause long enough to let it unfold. Today I will remember my loved ones are constantly growing and changing and things may be different next year. In fact, things may be different tomorrow. So today I shall savor my loved ones as they are right now. Today I will practice my new holiday goal: To gather together with our messy, imperfect hearts and create memories that outlast us all. I know that every second of this holiday will not be grasping what matters. I know. But there will be moments when joy comes to the table. It might be wearing pajamas or a cookie crumb smile, but I will recognize it immediately. With open hands, open eyes, and an open heart, I’ve learned joy doesn’t come in a box.
Dr. Ozzie Jafarnia
DDS, Board Certified
Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry
Dr. Noyan Aynechi DDS, Board Certified
Specialist in Pediatric Dentistry
3200 Hopyard Road | Pleasanton web. www.ailpleasanton.com tel. 925.462.7123
Nothing is more beautiful than your child’s smile!
Welcome to Danville Pediatric Dentistry and Orthodontics! ! Our office is committed to providing excellent preventative care for children in a warm, positive, and compassionate environment. We specialize in comprehensive dental care for children of all ages with an emphasis on prevention and health. As your child grows, we are able to provide comprehensive orthodontic care for children and teens. This is to help create and maintain a healthy smile into adulthood. We will do so by providing excellent treatment at the right time for the right reason with integrity, honesty and a caring heart.
Your child’s smile is our top priority. We are committed to making it the happiest, healthiest and straightest smile possible. After all, nothing is more beautiful than your child's smile! 4145 Blackhawk Plaza Circle, Ste. 203, Danville
Dr. Reem Stephanos DDS, MS
Serving students 2 - 6 years Full and part time programs
925-837-7745 • drozzie.com
Specialist in Orthodontics
10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ SEASONAL ACTIVE FAMILY FUN ]
DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Indoor Play Guide ALAMEDA COUNTY ALAMEDA Color Me Mine 2205 South Shore Center 510.521.8893 www.colormemine.com Studio Grow 2202 N South Shore Center 510.701.6042 www.studiogrow.com
BERKELEY Brushstrokes Studio, Inc. 745 Page Street 510.528.1360 www.brushstrokestudio.com Downtown Berkeley YMCA 2001 Allston Way 510.848.9622 www.ymca-cba.org/downtown-berkeley Habitot Children’s Museum 2065 Kittredge St. 510.647.1111 www.habitot.org Kids ’N’ Clay Pottery Studio 809A Allston Way 510.845.0982 www.kidsnclay.com Lawrence Hall of Science 1 Centennial Dr. 510.642.5132 www.lawrencehallofscience.org Sticky Art Lab 1682 University Ave 510.981.1148 www.stickyartlab.com
Studio Grow 1235 Tenth St. 510.526.9888 www.studiogrow.com
Color Me Mine 37324 Fremont Blvd 510.739.0200 www.fremont.colormemine.com
Berkeley Ironworks 800 Potter Street 510.981.9900 www.touchstoneclimbing.com
Gymboree Play & Fun 39138 Fremont Hub 510.739.6150 www.gymboreeclasses.com
DUBLIN
Rockin’ Jump 39177 Farwell Drive 510.246.3098 www.rockinjump.com
American Swim Academy 6948 Sierra Ct. 925.479.7946 www.americanswimacademy.com
LIVERMORE
Chuck E Cheese 7448 Amador Valley Blvd. 925.803.0101 www.chuckecheese.com
American Swim Academy 2821 Old First Street 925.373.7946 www.americanswimacademy.com
Dublin Bowl 6750 Regional Street 925.828.7550 www.earlanthonysdublinbowl.com
Boomers! 2400 Kitty Hawk Road 925.447.7275 www.boomersparks.com
Dublin Iceland 7212 San Ramon Road 925.829.4444 www.dubliniceland.com
Cabernet Indoor Sports 6474 Patterson Pass Road 925.455.8300 www.cabernetindoorsports.com
Rockin’ Jump 5875 Arnold Rd., Ste. 100 925.828.7676 www.rockinjump.com
Lost Worlds Adventures 6538 Patterson Pass Rd. 925.338.7788 www.lostworlds.rocks
Zone Laser 7102 Dublin Blvd 925.551.3700 www.zonelazer.com
PartiPalloza 6253 Southfront Road 925.245.9913 www.partipalooza.com
FREMONT
NEWARK
American Swim Academy 4150 Technology Pl. 510.657.7946 www.americanswimacademy.com
American Swim Academy 37400 Cedar Blvd 510.794.7946 www.americanswimacademy.com
Bay Aerials Gymnastics 4883 Davenport Place 510.651.5870 www.bayaerials.com
OAKLAND
City Beach 4020 Technology Place 510.651.2500 www.citybeach.com
12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
Bay Island Gymnastics 3775 Alameda Ave. Ste. E 510.533.3939 www.bayislandgymnastics.com Chabot Space and Science Center 10000 Skyline Blvd. 510.336.7373 www.chabotspace.org
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Great Western Power Co. Rock Climbing 520 20th Street 510.451.2022 www.touchstoneclimbing.com Gymboree Play & Music 3433 Lakeshore Ave 510.834.0982 www.gymboreeclasses.com Kids ‘N Dance 3840 MacArthur Blvd 510.531.4400 www.kidsndance.com Museum of Children’s Art 1625 Clay Street 510.465.8770 www.mocha.org Pump It Up 2500 Embarcadero Ste. A 510.533.7867 www.pumpitupparty.com Trapeze Arts, Inc. 1822 9th St. 510.419.0700 www.trapezearts.com
PLEASANTON Build-A-Bear Workshop 1 Stoneridge Mall Road 925.398.2281 www.buildabear.com Color Me Mine 310 Main St. #B 925.251.0202 www.pleasanton.colormemine.com Expressions Dance & Art 3015 Hopyard Road Ste. I 925.200.9908 www.expressions-dance-arts.com Gymboree Play & Music 5460 Sunol Blvd. #9 925.249.0006 www.gymboreeclasses.com
The Pitching Center 7073 Commerce Circle 925.416.1600 www.thepitchingcenter.com
Delta Bowl 3300 Delta Fair Blvd 925.757.5424 www.deltabowl.net
Play Well TEKnologies 5737 Valley Ave. 925.484.1547 www.play-well.org
Paradise Skate 1210 W 10th Street 925.779.0200 www.paradiseskate.com
Pump It Up 530 Boulder Court Ste. 100 925.600.9663 www.pumpitupparty.com
BAY POINT
Super Franks 5341 Owens Court 925.271.5880 www.superfranks.com West Coast Gymnastics 1056 Serpentine Lane Ste. #A 925.846.1010 www.wcoga.com
CONTRA COSTA COUNTY ALAMO Color Bundles 220 A Alamo Plaza 925.727.3137 www.colorbundles.com
ANTIOCH Antioch Indoor Sports Center 1210 Sunset Drive 925.778.6363 www.aiscsports.com First Five Center 512 West 5th Street 925.757.5303 www.firstfivecc.org Four Stars Gymnastics 1799 Vineyard Drive 925.778-8650 www.fourstarsgym.com
First Five Center 3225 Willow Pass Road 925.709.0874 www.firstfivecc.org
BRENTWOOD Black Diamond Kids Center 2015 Elkins Way 925.516.6619 www.blackdiamondkidscenter.com Bricks 4 Kids 3150 Balfour Road 925.684.4082 www.bricks4kidz.com Chuck E Cheese 6061 Lone Tree Way 925.240.8405 www.chuckecheese.com Color Me Mine 2455 Sand Creek Road Ste. 136 925.308.4548 www.brentwood.colormemine.com First Five Center 760 First Street 925.516.3880 www.firstfivecc.org Harvest Park Bowl 5000 Balfour Road 925.515.1221 www.harvestparkbowl.com The Little Gym 3850 Balfour Rd., Ste. K 925.634.0034 www.thelittlegym.com/brentwoodca
DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Indoor Play Guide Rockin’ Jump 5641 Lone Tree Way 925.281.3335 bwd.rockinjump.com
CONCORD Chuck E Cheese 1611 Willow Pass Road 925.689.2808 www.chuckecheese.com Clayton Valley Bowl 5300 Clayton Road 925.689.4631 www.claytonvalleybowl.com Diablo Rock Gym 1220 Diamond Way St. 140 925.602.1000 www.touchstoneclimbing.com Diablo Valley Bowl 1500 Monument Blvd 925.349.5622 www.dvbowl.com East Bay Sports Academy 1441 Franquette Ave. #C 925.680.9999 www.eastbaysportsacademy.com Encore Gymnastics 999 Bancroft Road 925.932.1033 www.dscreationencoregym.homestead.com First Five Center 1736 Clayton Road 925.849.8861 www.firstfivecc.org Ghost Golf 4383 Clayton Road 925.521.1913 www.ghostgolfconcord.com
Jungle Fun and Adventure 1975 Diamond Blvd 925.687.4386 www.thejunglefun.com
SewNow! Fashion 3534 Golden Gate Way 925.283.7396 www.sewnow.com
Pump It Up 1301 Franquette Ave 925.681.1060 www.pumpitupparty.com
MARTINEZ
Q-Zar 2295 Willow Pass Road 925.521.9663 www.q-zar.com Sky High Sports 1631 Challenge Drive 925.682.5867 www.jumpskyhigh.com UFC Gym 1975 Diamond Blvd 925.265.8130 www.ufcgym.com
DANVILLE Danville Bowl 200 Boone Court 925.837.7272 www.danvillebowl.com Studio Grow 3612 Blackhawk Plaza Circle 925.648.7529 www.studiogrow.com Little Fairy Princess Girls Spa 3499 Blackhawk Plaza Circle 925.362.3793 www.littlefairyprincessgirlspa.com
LAFAYETTE Color Me Mine 3541 Mt. Diablo Blvd 925.299.2615 www.lafayette.colormemine.com Gymboree Play & Fun 3482 Mt. Diablo Blvd 925.283.4896 www.gymboreeclasses.com Kids ‘N Dance 3369 Mt. Diablo 925.284.7388 www.kidsndance.com
14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
Bounce Farm 280 Arthur Rd., Ste. A 925.228.2028 www.bouncefarmfun.com
OAKLEY Pump It Up 5351 Neroly Rd. 925.978.1420 www.pumpitupparty.com
PLEASANT HILL Irvin Deutcher Family YMCA 350 Civic Dr. 925.687.8900 www.ymca-cba.org/irvin-deutscher-family
SAN RAMON Diablo Gymnastics School 2411 Old Crow Canyon Road 925.820.6885 www.diablogym.net Gymboree Play & Music 2551 San Ramon Valley Blvd 925.837.8315 www.gymboreeclasses.com My Gym 180 Market Place 925.244.1171 www.my-gym.com San Ramon Sports 2411 Old Crow Canyon Road Ste. G 925.831.9050 www.sanramonsports.com The Golden Skate 2701 Hooper Drive 925.820.2525 www.thegoldenskate.com Valley Cheer and Dance 2411 Old Crow Canyon Road Ste. Q 925.838.3159 www.valleycheeranddance.com
WALNUT CREEK Color Me Mine 1950 Mt. Diablo Blvd 925.937.1559 www.walnutcreek.colormemine.com
[ SEASONAL FUN ] Lindsay Wildlife Museum 1931 First Ave 925.935.1978 www.wildlife-museum.org My Gym 2256 Oak Grove Road 925.952.9791 www.my-gym.com Renaissance Club Sport 2805 Jones Road 925.938.8700 www.renaissanceclubsport.com TuTu School Walnut Creek 1001 Harvey Drive Ste. 170 925.357.5350 www.tutuschoolwalnutcreek.com
Just a Hop, Skip & A Jump – Out of the Area! U-ME 3355 Edison Way Menlo Park 650.257.7511 www.u-meplace.com
Monterey Bay Aquarium 886 Cannery Row Monterey 831.648.4800 www.montereybayaquarium.org
California Academy of Sciences Golden Gate Park San Francisco 415.379.8000 www.calacademy.org
Scientopia Discovery Center 1785 Tanen Street Napa 707.259.1559 www.scientopiadiscoverycenter.com
Children’s Discovery Museum 180 Woz Way San Jose 408.298.5437 www.cdm.org
Hiller Aviation Museum 601 Skyway Road San Carlos 650.654.0200 www.hiller.org
The Tech Museum 201 South Market Street San Jose 408.294.8324 www.thetech.org
Aquarium of the Bay PIER 39 2 Beach St. San Francisco 415.623.5300 www.aquariumofthebay.org
Bay Area Discovery Museum 557 McReynolds Road Sausalito 415.339.3900 www.baykidsmuseum.org
The Exploratorium PIER 15 Embarcadero at Green St. San Francisco 415.528.4444 www.exploratorium.edu
CITY OF PLEASANTON Civic Arts Stage Company presents
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11 - SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20 4444 Railroad Ave. Pleasanton www.firehousearts.org DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15
[ PARENTING WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] ]
The First Cell Phone: Rules for Responsibility
by Dr. Laura Markham “I can’t believe my daughter is old enough for a cell phone already. I’m scared. How do I keep her safe? Am I worrying too much?” -Nadine
Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone. You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.
Research shows that virtually all kids who are allowed to keep their cell phone in their room overnight will answer a late-night text, and most of them have spent at least some late nights sending texts. Only 11 percent of parents suspect their teens have ever sent, received or forwarded a sexual text, while 41percent of teens admit to doing so. Only 4 percent of parents believe their teens have ever texted while driving, while 45 percent of teens admit to routinely texting while driving! With these things in mind, it’s natural to worry when your child is ready for her first cell phone. It takes a fair amount of self-discipline to manage the responsibility of a mobile phone – and most kids are not ready for that before middle school, if then. Often, parents find themselves with a vague sense of worry. Yes, this device is
16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ PARENTING ] an instrument of connection, and it will allow you and your child to be more connected when you’re apart, but it’s also a symbol of separation, a reminder that your child is now spending enough time at a distance from you – and other supervising adults – to need it. Worse, it’s a harbinger of the dangers lurking in the outside world that threaten to pop up and menace your child at any time, without you there to stop them. You’ve probably heard the horror stories from other parents about their kids: 1. Racking up hundreds of dollars in charges for $3.50 ring tones, school-wide texts, and scary apps that let them hide what’s on their phone from you. 2. Covertly texting at 1am under the pillow. 3. Interrupting schoolwork to answer texts so often that their grades slip. 4. Writing a thoughtlessly inconsiderate text about a schoolmate that was forwarded to the whole school. 5. Being asked to send a sexy, half-naked selfie to a kid they’re interested in, or receiving such photos from others. 6. Writing, receiving or forwarding a joking, sexual text that was then forwarded to the whole school. 7. Letting an exuberant, partially clad photo get snapped by a chum at a sleepover, which – you guessed it – gets forwarded to the whole school – and the principal! 8. Being stalked by schoolmates with creepy or mean texts. 9. Texting while driving – and running the risk of dying or killing someone else. The problem is not with kids today. In fact, I’m betting my generation was more irresponsible than my kids and their friends in our driving, drinking, sexuality and drug use. No, the problem is that cell phones are an instrument of connection, and tweens and teens are driven to connect. And, just like when I got grounded for tying up the house phone for hours while my parents tried to call home, teen brain development also makes them prone to self-centered and shortsighted behavior. Luckily, communication and supervision can dramatically lessen the risks. How? 1. Don’t give your child a phone too early. If your child is with a trusted adult, he shouldn’t need
a cell phone. It’s when kids start to walk to school by themselves, or otherwise are without supervision, that they need a cell phone for safety reasons. The younger your child when she gets the cell phone, the more you’re asking of her, because it will just be harder for her to act responsibly with it. Can you trust that she’ll follow your rules about which apps to download, for instance? 2. Agree to rules, before that first cell phone. Most parents think a “contract” with their child is unnecessary and silly. But a written agreement is a great way for your child to step into this new responsibility without you “over-parenting.” When that first cell phone comes with written rules and responsibilities in the form of a signed agreement, young people learn how to handle them responsibly. If you ask your kids what they think the rules should be, and negotiate until you’re happy, they will “own” those rules. For a starting place, check out the rules at the end of this article. 3. Scaffold. You know how when a building goes up, there’s a framework (scaffolding) around it? Once the building is complete, the scaffolding is unnecessary. Your job is to give your child support – like scaffolding – as she learns each new skill. So don’t just buy a cell phone, give a lecture, and hope for the best. Instead, see this as a year-long project. In the beginning, plan to talk with your child every single night about her mobile use that day. Review with her what calls and texts came in and out, what apps she used. Ask how it felt to her to use his phone. Did it change anything in her life to have those calls and texts come in? Were there any challenges as she considered how to respond? When you see a mean text from one friend about another one, you’ll have the perfect opportunity to ask her about social dynamics, listen to the dilemmas she’s facing, and coach her about how to handle these challenges. Even once your kids have had a phone for awhile, I recommend that parents reserve the right to spot check their messages and texts occasionally without warning. Erased messages should be checked on the bill. This gets kids in the habit of being responsible, because their phone use doesn’t feel so “invisible.” 4. Talk, and listen. At the dinner table, comment on news stories that involve cell phones, from sexting to dangerous apps to driving DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17
[ PARENTING ] deaths. Ask questions about what your child thinks, and listen more. You might find, for instance that your teen thinks sending nude selfies via Snapchat is fine because the photo will self-destruct. But does your child realize that the receiver can take a screenshot, and that there are now apparently ways to subvert the auto-notification that should tell the sender a copy has been made? And does your child know that having a photo of an underage person on their cell phone is illegal? 5. Role Play. When a young person is faced with a new situation, how should he know what to do? Roleplays may be hokey, but they give your child a chance to think through the situation and her options. By planting those seeds, your child has more resources to act responsibly in the heat of the moment. I’ve been known to launch into parent-child roleplays about the topic of the day, pretending to be a friend asking, for instance, “Hey, send me that photo you took at the sleepover!” to help my child consider various responses. 6. Know your child. The research shows that when kids have problems with technology of any kind, it’s because they’re having problems that go beyond technology, and those problems will show up in the rest of their life. So if your child is mostly responsible, considerate and happy, he or she is probably responsible with technology, too. Cell Phone Rules 1. Never write or forward a photo, or anything in a text, that you wouldn’t want forwarded to everyone in your school, your principal and your parents. Remember that everything you send can become public. 2. Always ask before you forward a text or photo. Be respectful. How would you feel if someone forwarded an unflattering photo of you? 3. Always ask before you take a photo or video. Even once someone has given you permission to take a photo, ask before you post it. 4. If someone asks you to send a sexy photo... ...remember that even with Snapchat (which “evaporates” the photo), the picture can be copied and forwarded to others. Anyone could see it – every kid in the school, your teachers, and your parents. It happens 18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
all the time to great kids. Just don’t send it. And talk to your parents about it. 5. If you receive a sexy photo... ... immediately delete it from your phone, tell your parents, and block the number so you can’t receive more. Possession or distribution of sexual pictures of people who are underage is illegal. If the person who sent it to you asks why, just say “It’s illegal. Let’s talk instead.” 6. Never post your cell phone number ...on Facebook, or broadcast it beyond your friends (because it leaves you open to stalking.) 7. Never broadcast your location ...except in a direct text to friends (because it leaves you open to stalking.) Don’t use location apps that post your location. 8. Never respond to numbers you don’t recognize. 9. If you receive an unsolicited text, that’s spam. Don’t click on it. Instead, tell your parents so they can report the problem and have the caller blocked. 10. Don’t download apps without your parents’ permission. 11. Don’t spend your baby-sitting money all in one place. You don’t need web-surfing or ringtones. Get unlimited texts so you don’t have to worry about budgeting. 12. Don’t wear your cell phone on your body ...and don’t use it if you can use a landline. Cell phones are always looking for a signal, and that means they’re sending out waves that you don’t want going through your body. Cancer? Maybe. We don’t know enough yet. So why not just be cautious? 13. Set up your charging station in the living room ...so your phone is not in your room at night. 14. Have a life. Don’t feel obligated to respond to texts right away and don’t text until homework is done, during dinner, or after 9pm. 15. L8R – Later! If you’re driving, turn off your cell phone ...and put it in a bag where you can’t reach it in the back
[ PARENTING ] seat. (Make sure you have directions before you start out.) Cars kill people. 16. Nothing replaces FtF. If a “friend” sends you a mean message, take a deep breath and turn off your phone.Talk to them the next day, Face to Face, about it. Never say anything via text that you wouldn’t say Face to Face.
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[ PARENTING ]
Robin Berman, MD, is an Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. She is a Reflective Parenting group leader and a certified Simplicity Parenting group leader. During her medical school rotation in child psychiatry, Dr. Berman realized that the best way to help children was often to help their parents, and thus began her lifelong journey of parental education. After completing medical school and psychiatric residency, Dr. Berman started a clinical practice and did psychopharmacological research. She co-authored a paper on perfectionism that was presented at the World Congress of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies in Oxford, and which continues to be referenced in parenting books. Dr. Berman is a founding board member of the Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital at UCLA and an Advisory Board member of Matthew McConaughey’s Just Keep Livin Foundation. She is the author of Permission to Parent: How to Raise Your Child with Love & Limits. She has appeared on The Today Show and Good Morning America, and her book has been featured in the Washington Post, the London Times, and Time Magazine online. Permission to Parent has also been published in the UK under the title Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later. Dr. Berman lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children.
How Children Have Become Their Parents’ Bullies by Dr. Robin Berman It used to be that kids were scared of their parents. Now parents seem scared of their kids. At a toy store, I witnessed a common but ludicrous dynamic; a 4-year-old child was emotionally bullying his mother. The helpless mom repeatedly explained to her son that he was not getting a present because it was not his birthday – they were there to buy his friend a present. It was exhausting watching her quickly lose ground. The more the mother talked and explained, the more her little boy screamed, reaching a crescendo with a full-blown kicking and earsplitting tantrum on the floor. The scene upstaged the shoppers, and I was struck by how powerless the mother looked as she was taken down by her 4 year old. It used to be that kids were scared of their parents and now parents seem scared of their kids. The pendulum has swung from children being seen and not heard to being heard and perpetually indulged. Parents seem so uncomfortable with setting limits and taking their rightful position as captain of the family ship. Their hearts are in the right place; they want to be more
20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ PARENTING ] attentive to their kids’ needs than their parents had been to theirs. But we have over corrected, turning into a generation of “parent pleasers,” rarely saying no for fear of hurting our children’s feelings. And as a result, putting a child to bed or leaving a toy store becomes an ordeal. It is unsafe for a child to have that much power; kids today are more demanding and more anxious. When parents are skittish about asserting their parental authority, too often kids learn that “no” means “maybe.” That gives kids wiggle room to keep negotiating, throwing fits and emotionally bullying their parents. This reinforces the bad behavior and fuels the notion that the louder they whine, the more they get. Push fast forward on a child who consistently throws tantrums and gets his way. What teacher would want to teach him, what employer would hire him, and who would want to date him? We have to be able to tolerate our children’s stormy emotions without rushing in to fix them or we are unintentionally crippling our kids. We are trying to grow resilient kids, not fragile, entitled ones. Buying another child a present teaches your child about doing for
others, and that the world does not revolve around him. What great life lessons! Let’s remind ourselves that discipline actually means to teach, not to punish or shame, and that setting loving limits will help raise a thriving child. We can acknowledge and empathize with our children’s feelings but still hold the line: “I know you want a new toy, but we are not buying you one today.” Period. And if the child continues to have a tantrum, you have to leave the store. You need to do what is right for your children, even if it means tolerating a brief drop in your popularity polls. You are the one with experience and perspective – a perspective that children just don’t have. Your job is not to please your child; your job is to parent your child. We have to be able to hold a loving space for our child’s anger or hurt feelings while staying the course. So how did the toy store debacle end? The mom, drained and exhausted by her child’s tantrum was at the register, purchasing two toys – not realizing that the real gift would have been saying no!
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[ EVENTS ]
December Alameda County DECEMBER 1 - 15 Dublin Iceland Family Night Dublin Iceland Dublin 7:45pm – 9:00pm www.dubliniceland.com
DECEMBER 1 - 12 Family Dance Classes Luna Dance Institute Oakland 10:30am – 2:30pm www.lunadanceinstitute.org
DECEMBER 2, 9, 16, 23, 30 Rockin Wednesday RockinJump Dublin Dublin 3:00pm – 8:00pm www.dublin.rockinjump.com
DECEMBER 4 Pizza Dinner and Story time with Clifford Barnes & Noble Dublin 6:00pm – 7:00pm www.stores.barnesandnoble.com/ store/2942
DECEMBER 4 - 31 Zoo Lights Oakland Zoo Oakland 5:30pm – 9:00pm www.oaklandzoo.org
DECEMBER 5
Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!
Hometown Holiday Celebration Main Street Pleasanton 3:30pm – 7:30pm www.hometownholiday.com Holiday Sights & Sounds Parade Livermore Downtown Livermore 6:00pm – 7:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com
24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
Kids Club Clothespin Characters Michael’s Arts & Crafts Dublin 10:00am – 12:00pm www.michaels.com Building Gingerbread Houses Michael’s Arts & Crafts Dublin 1:00pm – 4:00pm www.michaels.com Children’s Holiday Tea Dublin Heritage Center Dublin 11:00am – 1:00pm www.dublinrecguide.com
DECEMBER 5 - 13 Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Freight & Salvage Berkeley Times Vary www.bactheatre.org
DECEMBER 6 Beeswax Candle Making and Fire Building Urban Adamah’s Berkeley 2:00pm – 4:00pm www.urbanadamah.org Snow Day in the Gourmet Ghetto Gourmet Ghetto Berkeley 10:00am – 3:00pm www.anotherbullwinkelshow.com Free First Sunday OMCA Oakland 10:00am – 6:00pm www.museumca.org
DECEMBER 9 M.O.M.’s Reading Time Museum on Main Street Pleasanton 10:00am – 11:00am www.museumonmain.org
DECEMBER 11 – 20 The Nutcracker 2015 Berkeley Ballet Theater Berkeley Times Vary www.berkeleyballet.org/calendar/ nutcracker
DECEMBER 12 Holiday Kids Night Out! West Coast Training Center Livermore 6:30am – 10:30am www.westcoasttc.com Wente Vineyards Wente Vineyards Event Center Livermore 10:00am – 12:00pm www.wentevineyards.com Kids Club Perler Santa Belt Coaster Michael’s Arts & Crafts Dublin 10:00am – 12:00pm www.michaels.com
DECEMBER 19 Super Saturdays Valley Children’s Museum Dublin 11:00am – 3:00pm www.valleychildrensmuseum.org Winter Solstice Traditions Crab Cove Visitors Center Alameda 11:00am – 12:00pm www.apm.activecommunities.com Winter Holiday Season SingAlong La Pena Cultural Center Berkeley 10:30pm – 11:30pm www.lapena.org
DECEMBER 19 & 20 Oakland Ballet The Paramount Theater Oakland Times Vary www.oaklandballet.org
[ EVENTS ]
December DECEMBER 24
DECEMBER 6, 13, 20 &27
DECEMBER 5
Christmas Eve
The Spirit of the Old West Blackhawk Museum Danville 10:00am – 5:00pm www.thespiritoftheoldwest.org
Holiday Parade Downtown Gilroy Gilroy 2:30pm – 5:00pm www.downtowngilroy.com
DECEMBER 21-30
Union Street Festival of Lights Union Street San Francisco 3:00pm – 7:00pm www.sresproductions.com
DECEMBER 25 Christmas
Contra Costa County DECEMBER 1 Holiday Concert Lesher Center for the Arts Walnut Creek 7:30pm www.walnutcreekband.org
Winter Break Movies Dougherty Station Library San Ramon 3:00pm – 4:45pm www.ccclib.org/locations/dougherty.html
DECEMBER 1 - 13
DECEMBER 24
Holiday Faire and Victorian Teas Shadelands Ranch Walnut Creek Times Vary www.walnutcreekhistory.info/ events.php
DECEMBER 2 Light up the Night Downtown Pleasant hill Pleasant Hill 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.ca-pleasanthill2.civicplus.com First Wednesdays Walnut Creek Downtown Walnut Creek 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com
DECEMBER 4 Preschool Performance Series Village Theater & Art Gallery Danville 10:00am – 11:00am www.villagetheatreshows.com Holiday Activities/Trim-aTree Dougherty Station Library San Ramon 11:15am – 2:45pm www.ccclib.org/locations/dougherty.html
Christmas Eve
DECEMBER 25 Christmas
Out of Area DECEMBER 1 Wine Train Presents Sing along Piano Bar Wine Train Station Napa 6:30pm – 8:30pm www.winetrain.com/package/ holiday-sing-along
DECEMBER 5 - 6 Holiday Train Caltrain Stations 4:00pm – 9:00pm www.caltrain.com
DECEMBER 6 Winter Holiday-Free Day! Exploratorium Pier 15 San Francisco 10:00am – 5:00pm www.exploratorium.edu
DECEMBER 2
San Francisco Symphony: Deck the Hall Davies Symphony Hall San Francisco 11:00am www.symphony.org
Christmas at Kohl Kohl Mansion Burlingame 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.mercyhsb.com/alumnae/ christmas-at-kohl
Hooray for Hanukkah Children’s Discovery Museum San Jose 12:00pm – 4:00pm www.apjcc.org
DECEMBER 4
DECEMBER 7
The Best Christmas Pageant Ever Sunnyvale Community Center Theatre Sunnyvale 7:00pm – 8:00pm www.ctcinc.org
Holiday Hero’s AT&T Park San Francisco 4:30pm – 8:30pm www.holidayheroes.eventbrite.com
DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25
[ PARENTING ]
Betsy Brown Braun, best selling author of Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents (HarperCollins) and You’re Not The Boss Of Me: Brat proofing Your Four To Twelve Year Old (HarperCollins), is a child development and behavior specialist, parent educator, multiple birth parenting consultant, and founder of Parenting Pathways®, Inc. Her parenting expertise has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, U.S. News & World Report, Real Simple, American Baby, Cookie, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, In Style, Parenting, Parents, Pregnancy and Newborn, Twins, Woman’s Day, and, Working Mother, Colorado Parent Magazine, Ohio Valley Parent Magazine among other publications. She has shared her expertise on the Today Show multiple times. Other television appearances have included Dr. Phil, Rachael Ray, The Early Show, Good Morning America, Entertainment Tonight, Fox & Friends, Hallmark’s Home and Family, KCBS, KNBC, and Fox News LA. She contributes to KNX news radio on child development, and has been a guest on countless radio programs nationwide, including NPR. www.betsybrownbraun.com
Redirecting the Holiday Gimmes by Betsy Brown Braun Sugar Plum fairies and fa la la la la are not the only things that come with the winter holidays. So does a parent’s worst fear that she has raised the spoiled child she swore she would never have. At no other time of year do the cries of “Gimme Gimme!” echo so loudly across our land. A case of the gimmes is not limited to the well-off. Parents across a wide range of incomes are plagued by concerns that they are raising a spoiled, ungrateful child. But here’s the truth of the matter: having spoiled, unappreciative children has more to do with parents than with children. That’s right, this one is on you! Spoiled children are not born; they are made. Of course, infants and toddlers have every reason to believe that the sun and moon rise and set around them, with most of their desires getting met. But right around age two is when life lessons should hit home: you don’t always get what you want. Children who are not given the experience of not-getting, of having less, of longing, and of giving to others are on the road to becoming spoiled children. The good news is that not only are you the cause of the gimmes, but you are also the cure. The holidays offer a great opportunity for a paradigm shift. It is a time for a rebrand from gimME to give YOU. Here are some tips and scripts for rebranding your holidays this year. • Help your child to know that Santa (or you!) doesn’t bring everything he wants, that children usually get one or two things. Revisit his want list and
26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ SEASONAL FUN ] help him to prioritize, explaining that he may get some
[ PARENTING ] • Help your child to make coupon books for different
of his desires met, but not all. You are shaping your
people—certificates for various jobs, activities that are
child’s expectations for years to come.
about helping or making someone else happy. (Dust Buster Daddy’s car; help with the baby; give mom a
• Ask your relatives to cut back, explaining your goal of
foot massage.)
reining in your child’s greed. And if they insist on more, remind them that you are the gatekeeper.
• Have “Secret Elves.” Unlike Secret Santa who focuses on giving gifts, Secret Elves DO things for others…in
• Do not be put-off by your child’s longing. Know that
secret! The elf (who has chosen you) does something
the energy behind longing is powerful stuff. (Why do
helpful for her secret recipient, and leaves a (premade)
you think bribes work so well?) Rather, help him to find
note that says “from your Secret Elf.” Bring the
ways to reach his goal (by earning the money himself)
newspaper in for Daddy; set the table for sister (whose
or simply ignore his whining, thereby teaching him to
job it is). Get it?
tolerate his frustration or disappointment. • As the holidays get closer, think about what you and • As the holidays get closer, help your child make a list of
your child may already have in your possession that
people to whom he wants to give something to for the
you or he might give to someone else. (This should not
holidays. Help him to think about those who are helpful
be something that is old or not useful. It is about excess
or kind or meaningful to him throughout the year—
and sharing.) Nor should it be limited to clothing. Think
his teacher, the janitor, the produce man, the local
about your kitchen, your linen closet, your own game
firefighters, etc…
shelf. Children need to see their parents sharing.
• In the build-up to the holidays or for one night of
• Help your child to raise money to donate to a cause
Hanukah, have a family gift making night. Everyone
or charity. A winter lemonade or hot cocoa or fresh
participates in making a family gift that each will give
cookie stand. Decide in advance to where he will
to the people on his list. Make cranberry bread or
donate the profit. Or take your child to a store and buy
popcorn balls or decorated tongue depressor frames.
a brand new toy to donate to Toys for Tots.
Create the gifts on one night and wrap them the next—all of you! (Who cares if it isn’t perfect?)
• Consider having less than 8 gift receiving nights of Hanukah or not creating an entire carpet of gifts under
• Involve your children in your gift giving activities. Even
your Christmas tree. Instead, have one night of the
a three year-old can affix a stamp to an envelope; a
holiday be a family game night or family project night,
five year-old can put holiday cards in envelopes.
another was your gift making night.
• Invite your child to help you wrap your gifts. (Who cares
• Know that experiences are often the best gifts of all.
if it isn’t perfect?) Aluminum foil makes great holiday
They will certainly be remembered long after the
wrap with a stick-on bow, and anyone can do it.
holiday is over. Suggest that Grandma take your child to see the Lion King or Daddy might take a child fishing.
• Share your excitement about how much you enjoy
A cozy night in your bed with you, watching a favorite
giving gifts, both as you prepare the gifts with your
movie or a camp-out in the yard. Experiences last in a
child and as you watch him open his gifts. This act calls
child’s memory forever.
attention to the job of giving and making someone else happy.
• Create holiday traditions and rituals that are unique to your family. (Get in your pj’s. and drive around in the
• For older children who have money saved from their
car looking for holiday lights on Christmas Eve.) Year
allowance, help them to spend their own money on
after year, your child will look forward to the fun family
gifts for others. This is where the 99 Cent Store and Big
times as much as to the gifts. And he’ll likely do them
Lots come in handy. Money saved isn’t just for oneself.
with his own children someday, too. DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]
Shasta Nelson, M.Div., is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship matching site in 35 cities across the U.S. and Canada. Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her book Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends. She also writes at ShastasFriendshipBlog.com and in the Huffington Post, speaks across the country, and is a friendship expert in the media appearing on such shows as Katie Couric and the Today Show. Twitter: @girlfrndcircles
Friendships in the Workplace by Shasta Nelson Lately I’ve been fielding more interview requests to talk about friendships in the workplace. The workplace, for many women, is still the number one place where you’re meeting your friends. Work, much like school when we were kids, is the one place where the same people show up repeatedly without anyone having to initiate, invite, make plans, or schedule around, or follow-up with–we’re paid to be there and we both show up daily. That consistency breeds friendships. We report being 96% happier with our lives if we have at least three friends at work, and a whopping 30% of us end up establishing a best friend at work. But there can also be some minefields. I hear women repeatedly say to me that they don’t feel comfortable making friends at work for various reasons and to that I want to gently say: “Hey, we live in a world where we all need more good friends, so take them where you can get them!” In the interview below, I hope I can squelch some of your fears by helping you see how you can build friendships appropriately!
28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] For my article this time, I thought I’d re-publish an interview where Jennifer Merritt of Levo League (a professional community for Gen Y) asked me some workrelated questions. Hope my answers are helpful to some of you!
excluding others or making people feel wary, left out, or suspicious. While at work, invite more people to join in your friendly relationship—invite others to sit with you at lunch—and try to do more of your eventual secretsharing outside of the office.
Jennifer: If you really feel a connection with a co-worker, is it a good idea to try to deepen that relationship? Or should “office life” and “real life” be kept separate? Shasta: No, I don’t think they should be separate at all! In fact, that really is one of the last places to make friends where we have one of the biggest friendship challenges taken care of for us—consistency. That’s why it felt easy in school–we saw each other every day. In “real life” it’s actually much more difficult to see each other regularly enough to build up that familiarity and comfortableness. The office is perfect, since you both have to spend so much time there. I’d definitely try to deepen that relationship, so much so that I’d encourage you to practice being friends outside of work, too, so that when one of you leaves the job, you already have other structures in place for your friendship to continue.
What are some good ways to explore deepening a relationship with a co-worker? Probably starts with friendliness and chit-chat, talking about the weekend, and what TV shows you’re watching. Then the next goal is to find a way to spend more substantial time together, so usually an invitation to grab lunch together, attend an event together, or meet for drinks after work will help make that happen. And this is where it may stay for a while—friendliness in the office, friendship for an hour here and there outside the office. In fact, if this is as far as it goes—it’s an incredibly valuable relationship that will increase your happiness at work. In some cases, you may want to grow it to the next step and that means eventually starting to get together when it’s completely unattached to work, such as brunch on the weekend, a double-date with the boyfriends on a Friday night, or getting together to watch your favorite TV shows one night.
How concerned should you be about making friends in the office, even at the basic level of casual friendship? People who have friends at work are way more inclined to report job satisfaction and companies recognize that that’s one of the best ways to retain employees. We will put up with a lot of stress, lower pay, and non-ideal job descriptions if we like the people we work with, so I’d say it’s worth being a pretty high priority at work. Plus, this is where you spend most of your time, so it makes sense that at minimum you want to be surrounded by people you’re friendly with, even if they don’t all turn into consequential friendships. Are there any “rules” to making friends in the office? I’d say two good principles are to, one, take it slow, and two, don’t let your friendship ever make others feel excluded in the office. The first one is super important: don’t over-share with someone. Vulnerability—sharing more about yourself with less of a filter—is one of the actions that develops a friendship, but I encourage everyone to engage it step by step so that really you’re never taking a big risk, as much as you are taking many, many small ones. But that’s even more important at work, where you don’t want to share too much with someone before you’ve co-created a trusting relationship with each other. And the second rule speaks more to making sure your friendship is adding to the office dynamics, not
Can you — or should you — ever be friends with your manager? Or, if you are a manager, friends with your subordinate? This one can be tricky because there is not a “one size fits all” answer. Our personalities, company culture, and individual job descriptions will inform the decision. But in theory, I’d say yes. We can be friends with people even if we have different roles at work. Obviously it requires both people respecting the other so much that neither one shares confidential information or asks for favors at work. And the two rules I mentioned earlier—taking it slow and not letting your friendship make others uncomfortable— are even more important. But the first two steps of friendship—being friendly and starting to spend more considerable time together—is definitely appropriate, in my opinion. Fights among friends are inevitable, and can become even more hot-button if that friend is also a co-worker. What is your advice for dealing with conflicts with friends in the office? This goes back to the second rule—don’t let your friendship make others uncomfortable in the office. That means they shouldn’t know you’re fighting. You don’t gossip about her, talk about her, or take it out on each DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] other. Maturity means trusting each other so that even
a mature friendship wouldn’t want to jeopardize our
when we’re mad or disappointed, we can still trust each
friends’ other relationships. At the least, recognize this
other to have our backs. It also speaks to the “taking it
relationship has a whole different level of complication
slow” part—you should never have shared more than
and drama that may best be avoided simply by fostering
you felt the relationship was ready to support. By the time
other friendships even if there isn’t as much chemistry.
you fight, you should have some considerable history between the two of you where you can trust that you’ll
What should you do if you don’t feel a connection with
both make up and be closer than ever.
co-workers, on even the most basic level? (Assuming that you enjoy your job.)
Is it appropriate to get into a friendship with someone
Bonds can always, always be developed, in some form
who is in a romantic relationship? Basically, should
or another. The best place to start is with having enough
you pursue a friendship with a co-worker if it could be
conversations that you can start seeing where you both
misconstrued by his or her significant other?
have similarities or where you “get” each other. We all
Wow you’re asking the toughies! Good for you! Again,
have more things in common that we realize—even if
though, this is not an easy answer. Cross-gender
we have a 40-year age gap, opposite political views or
relationships are an entirely different animal in this
are in completely different life stages. I believe that those
setting. If the friendship could hurt people— in the office
who seek, find; which means that if we say to ourselves,
or in either of your lives—then one has to ask whether
“I am choosing to like you, now I’m going to keep looking
there are other feelings or motives at work. Because
for the reasons,” we will always find them!
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[[ PARENTING ] SEASONAL FUN ]
Ice Rinks
Across The Bay
Alameda County Dublin Iceland 7212 San Ramon Rd Dublin, CA 94568 (925) 829-4444 www.dubliniceland.com Great place for public skating, parties, hockey, skating school, figure skating and broomball! Dublin Iceland believes everyone can learn to skate – classes are offered for children 4 and up, as well as adult classes and home school classes. Online registration for winter classes opens December 14th. Sharks Ice At Fremont 44388 Old Warm Springs Fremont CA, 94538 (510) 623-7200 www.sharksiceatfremont.com Experience what it’s like to be a Pro-Hockey player! The Sharks Ice at Fremont has public skate hours along with youth and adult hockey leagues. Host your next corporate event or birthday party here. Tri Valley Ice 611 Preston Ave, Suite D Livermore, CA 94551 (925) 606-6900 www.trivalleyice.com Check out Tri Valley Ice the next time you are in town! Check the online schedule to view open skate hours as well as special events and promotions like half price skate sessions or teen night with a DJ. Skating classes are offered Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.
Oakland Ice Center 519 18th Street Oakland, CA 94612 (510) 268-9000 www.oaklandice.com The facility accommodates ice hockey, figure skating, broomball, curling, speed skating, ice dancing, as well as public skating. Also equipped with an in-house pro shop, large meeting and party spaces and a full-service snack bar to serve patrons of all ages. The Little Ice Rink 523 South Shore Center Alameda, CA (510) 629-1423 thelittleicerink.com The Little Ice Rink will be celebrating its 5th year at South Shore Center in Alameda from November 6 – December 18, 2016. Open Monday through Sunday. Discounted prices for being your own skates or for groups of 10 or more.
Contra Costa Walnut Creek On Ice 1375 Civic Drive Walnut Creek, CA 94596 (925) 935-7669 www.iceskatewalnutcreek.com Walnut Creek on Ice will return for its 11th season beginning November 11 through January 18, 2016. Tuesday night is Family Night: $30 ice skating admission for a family of 4. Private skating lessons, parties, fundraisers and group rates also available. Check out the online calendar for a list of special events including dress-up days and festivals.
Out of Area Yerba Buena Ice Skating & Bowling Center 750 Folsom St San Francisco, CA 94107 (415) 820-3532 www.skatebowl.com Public skating, figure skating lessons, competitions and ice shows as well as hockey instruction and leagues! After ice skating, check out the bowling alley in this dual complex.
32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ SEASONAL FUN ] Winter Lodge 3009 Middlefield Road Palo Alto, CA 94306 (650) 493-4566 www.winterlodge.com Enjoy outdoor ice skating in Palo Alto, the only permanent outdoor ice west of the Sierras! Winter Lodge offers group lessons for ages 4 & up. Winter Lodge is unique in that they are a purely recreational skating school. This means that students will be taught in a relaxed atmosphere and at a pace that is comfortable for the student.
Holiday Ice Rink in Union Square San Francisco, CA 94111 (415) 781-2688 unionsquareicerink.com Visitt he holiday ice rink in the heart of Union Square, San Francisco’s most medical holiday destination!Purchase tickets on time or in person. (0 minute skating sessions start on every even hour from 10am – 11:30pm daily. The Holiday Ice Rink at Embarcadero Center Embarcadero Center San Francisco, CA 94111 (415) 837-1931 www.embarcaderocenter.com/attractions/holiday-ice-rink Delighting families, couples and ice skating enthusiasts for over twenty-five years, the Holiday Ice Rink at Embarcadero Center presented by Hawaiian Airlines opens each winter for nine magical, fun-filled weeks. Get ready to skate under the sun and stars along the beautiful waterfront at the largest outdoor rink in San Francisco. This year’s skating kicks off on November 4, 2015 and continues through January 3, 2016. Belmont Iceland 815 Old County Rd Belmont, CA 94002 (650) 592-0533 www.belmonticeland.com Join us on the ice for public skating sessions! Special sessions including Family Fun Fridays with a party atmosphere with great music and disco lights, Weekend Lunch Hour specials, and a Sunday Family Fun session with admission and skate rental for a family of 4 for 4 weeks.
Ice Center Cupertino 10123 N Wolfe Rd Cupertino, CA 95014 (408) 446-2906 www.icecenter.net/cupertino Ice Center Cupertino has it all – from birthday parties to broomball, to skating school and private lessons as well as pick-up hockey. Join them Thursday night for Student Nightstudents with a local student id will get a special discount. Sharks Ice At San Jose 1500 S 10th St San Jose, CA 95112 (408) 279-6000 www.sharksiceatsanjose.com Visit the official practice facility of the San Jose Sharks! Adult and youth hockey or figure skating lessons, will make you feel like a pro in no time! Check online for the public skate schedule as well as bucket sessions. Bucket sessions are for beginner skaters who need assistance standing or staying upright while attempting to skate. Downtown Ice 179 S Market St San Jose, CA 95113 (408) 279-1775 www.downtownicesj.com Ice skate in the heart of downtown San Jose. Lights and holiday cheer surround this festive rink. Downtown Ice will be open until February 7, 2016.
Nazareth Ice Oasis 3140 Bay Rd Redwood City, CA 94063 (650) 364-8090 www.iceoasis.com Nazareth Ice Oasis offers an array of programming, including public skates, freestyle and dance lessons, hockey tournaments and in-house figure skating or theater on ice competitions. The rink also provides 30-minute skating school classes with sessions lasting anywhere from six to eight weeks. The facility also features a pro shop and sit-down restaurant with outdoor seating.
DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33
[ PARENTING ]
Anastasia is a parent coach, awardwinning author, internationally recognized speaker, Huffington Post blogger, and mother of five. With over two decades of real life experience, Anastasia’s proven success is based on balance and results. She teaches parents how to create healthier lives and find the happiness they desire. She shares innovative strategies and new perspectives that put an end to uncertainty and stress and, lead her clients to success. Her Wing It™ philosophy helps modern day families build strong foundations, rebalance their lives, and launch happy, independent children. Anastasia is the author of the award-winning book, Leadership Through the Eyes of Children, and WING IT: 6 Simple Steps to Succeed as a Modern Day Parent. She is the founder of the WING IT Project, a non-profit that funds educational opportunities for children locally and globally, and co-creator of Hamptons Wellness Week. She provides private parent coaching as well as speaking at small or large gatherings about making modern parenthood easier and rebalancing family life in today’s world. Anastasia has also been featured in multiple media outlets such as TLC Network, The New York Times, ABC Family Television, The Huffington Post, Well + Good, Hamptons Magazine, NBC Television, KIWI Magazine, Parenting, ZLiving Television, MSN.com, Sheknows, Parents Magazine, ivillage, Live It Up Show, News 12 Long Island, eHow, San Diego Family, Metro Family, and Everyday Family.
Four Developments that Drive Success by Anastasia Gavalas Did you ever notice a child who runs faster than his peers in every activity? How about the three-year old who spells incessantly? These examples provide a glimpse of two easily recognizable developments in children. Both of them are essential to a child’s advancement. However, intellectual and physical developments aren’t the only areas parents should focus on as their children grow. There are two more maturations vital to the expansion and deepening of individual life experiences. Those who are conscious of the different developments, and are able to provide appropriate guidance absent of fear, significantly impact a child’s overall primary developmental success. In order for children to mature properly and reach their potential, parents must remain accepting and supportive regardless of the varying progress exhibited. No two children develop at the same time, rate, or manner. They mature and proceed at various stages and paces within the different areas of development throughout childhood. If the goal is to raise smart, caring, successful, responsible people, then parents must be aware of how their children are developing without forcing unnatural advancements. How well a child develops is based on if they are able to tap into their innate curiosities and abilities as they grow, learn, and gain confidence. This emerges whenever a child has people around them who remain open-minded and supportive regardless of what is happening with their peers or in the global world.
34 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ PARENTING ] The areas of development that are most prominent in childhood are intellectual and physical. And, even though intellectual development is one that most people hold in high regard, to focus solely on intellect is detrimental to an individual’s evolution. Physical development is another area often scrutinized during a child’s early years. Intellectual and physical developments have a strong correlation to one another that help children acquire greater life experiences then when considered independent of one another. When intellectual and physical developments are supported equally, along with the latter two, individuals yield the healthiest progress. Emotional development is just as significant as the previous ones and, requires similar attention. Thankfully, the importance of emotional intelligence has been recognized in recent decades both in schools and the work force. A person’s skillfulness in navigating life with the ability to express himself properly and recognize people’s emotions has proven advantageous. A collaboration of the three areas of development: intellectual, physical, and emotional, creates a strong platform that yields great potential. However, there’s a fourth area of development that is commonly ignored in childhood and often tapped into later in life by people
who want to expand their understanding. The fourth development, which is spiritual, is essential in generating the best possible outcomes and true fulfillment. This concept is critical in helping individuals navigate life as well as spark an understanding of selfmotivation and purpose. Spiritual insight is the balm that helps unite intellectual advancement, physical maturity, and emotional awareness thus, propelling individuals to flourish in their developmental progress. A child’s overall development is a direct response to the environment in which they live. It’s the evolution and synchronization of all four developments that create meaningful connections and greater chances for success. Children have an innate ability to move fluidly throughout their development when their upbringings do not stifle them. Parents need to remain open as they provide children a variety of opportunities that help encourage their individual paths. Individuals who have that support and actively engage in life can reach a balance as they magnificently progress through all four areas of development, ultimately reaching their potential.
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[ PARENTING ] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek,People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail. She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba
How To Discourage Materialism Building Moral Intelligence: What to expect in the early grade-school years by Dr. Michele Borba During the early grade-school years, children grow more interested in the material world than they were back in kindergarten. Of course, at any age, kids vary widely in their acquisitiveness depending on how strongly materialism is emphasized at home, whether through exposure to TV or by older siblings or parents themselves. But, in general, many 6- to 8-year-olds are motivated by a combination of a young child’s basic greed for fun toys, an increasing awareness of what other kids have, and the desire to fit in by having the same things themselves. After birthdays and holidays, the question shifts from “What did you do?” to “What did you get?” And a more sensitive child may start struggling with feelings of shame if his friends tease him because he’s the only one in class wearing anonymous discount-store sneakers. What you can do Set a good example. At this age, kids still look up to their parents more than to their peers, so you’re the best role model for helping your child cope with our complicated material world. If you want to discourage him from developing
36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ PARENTING ] an insatiable appetite for possessions, let him see you
Moral Intelligence . His cries of “Oh, I want that!” at the
behaving with restraint and wisdom. Take him along
store can be met with, “That costs five dollars. Do you
to the shoe-repair shop, and explain why it’s worth
have enough of your own money to pay for it?” If you
re-heeling your favorite shoes instead of buying new
want to institute spending rules, set them up right away
ones (you save money, and besides, your old shoes are
so he knows from the start that, for example, half of his
so comfy). Don’t let mail-order catalogues take up all
money should go into savings and half is his to spend as
your reading time, and comment that while you like
he chooses.
his aunt’s new SUV, your 6-year-old station wagon still runs just fine. Enjoy window-shopping together without
At this age, children should also understand that some
buying anything to show that while it’s fun to look at store
expenditures — like groceries and rent or mortgage
displays and gather ideas for gifts and other purchases,
payments — are necessities, while others — like yet
you don’t need to buy something every time you go to
another Game Boy cassette — are optional. When he
a store. But save the lecture: A few off-hand comments
whines, “But I want a new scooter!” you can respond
explaining your views will get the message across.
sympathetically, “I understand that you want it,” but then explain why he doesn’t truly need it: “You already have
Turn off the TV. From cereal boxes to Saturday morning
a good scooter, and they’re too expensive to collect.”
cartoons to clothing emblazoned with store names
This teaches him that there are logical reasons behind
and Disney characters, advertising is everywhere in
purchasing decisions. It’s wise to avoid bringing adult
our culture. But television probably wields the greatest
feelings of failure or resentment into the conversation. As
influence on children, who watch commercials as avidly
Paul Coleman, a family therapist and author of How to
as they watch programs. Kids also make up a huge
Say It to Your Kids puts it, “This is not a time to say, ‘Well,
portion of consumer spending, as buyers themselves and
I’m sorry, but we give you the best we can, and you
as forces affecting their parents’ buying decisions. In fact,
should be satisfied with that!’”
according to James McNeal at Texas A&M University, last year alone America’s 27 million kids, ages 8 to 14,
Teach him to prioritize. If holidays or birthdays are
spent more than $14 billion. Toy company executives
coming up and your child is expecting lots of presents,
know this, and they advertise relentlessly during
give him some paper and ask him to make a list (or
children’s programs. Limit your child’s exposure to TV
draw pictures) of the three things he most wants and
commercials, and he’ll be less likely to develop a lengthy
then number them in order of importance. Borba also
wish list. Children’s public television, while it’s not strictly
suggests telling your child, “Before your birthday arrives,
commercial-free, offers quality programs with much less
let’s clean out your closet so you’ve got room. We’ll give
advertising.
away some of your old toys.” If he helps you deliver a box of his toys to a charity, he’ll be learning about empathy
Don’t fulfill every request. Children who get everything
and generosity. But he may also get to thinking about
they ask for don’t learn to handle disappointment,
how much he really wants lots of new toys if it means
and they don’t learn to work — or even just wait — for
getting rid of old favorites.
things they desire. Do yourself and your child a favor by saying no to unending requests, even if that provokes
Delay gratification. Teach your grade-schooler to think
tantrums in the toy store at first. Enlist the aid of friends
seriously about whether he really wants that new video
and grandparents — who often delight in “spoiling” your
game by making him wait for it. Have him write down or
child — by suggesting they buy only one gift at birthdays
draw a picture of the item he wants and post it on the
or holidays, instead of half a dozen.
fridge along with a timeline of days — one or two weeks, say — until the date that he can go out and buy it with
Teach your child about money. Grade-schoolers can
you. He can check off the days every morning. Finally
learn about the value of possessions by paying for them
getting it will be a much-anticipated treat, but if he
themselves. Giving your child an allowance provides him
loses interest before the time is up, even he will probably
with cash and you with the opportunity to teach him how
agree that he didn’t really want yet another game after
to use it, says Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Building
all. DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 37
[ PARENTING ] Show an appreciation for the deeper value of things.
children to altruistic activities. “The real opposite of
Your child can learn that you prize objects not for how
materialism is spirituality,” he says. “Try to do something
costly or trendy they are but for their inherent quality or
with your child that’s focused on giving to others in a way
sentimental value. “This is a good skateboard because
that he can see.” Take him with you to bring dinner to a
it’s so sturdy,” you can point out. Or “This chair means a lot to me because it was Grandma’s when she was little.” Your child may not begin to adopt your reasoning right away, but over time he’ll see that popularity and high price tags aren’t the only factors that make objects beloved, and that quality is better than quantity.
sick neighbor or to volunteer in a soup kitchen. That kind of activity can foster an attitude that will help counter materialism more powerfully than almost anything else. Spend time rather than money on your kids. It’s not easy in our hectic lives to give children the time and
Find out what’s fueling his desire. Sometimes kids (and
attention they crave, but that’s the best way to ward off
adults) crave possessions to fulfill an emotional need.
the “gimmes.” “If Mom and Dad are always busy, then
If you notice that your son, who never used to care
the kids will retreat to their toys and TV and Nintendo,
about games as much as his friends did, suddenly
which is all materialism,” says Coleman. “Kids have to
wants a PlayStation 2, talk with him about why that toy is appealing. If the answer is just that his two best friends both have one, you can have a simple conversation about the fact that it’s okay to like different toys than the rest of the crowd. Or help him figure out whether he’s
have something, namely a family life, to replace that.” So try not to give your child things as a substitute for spending time with him. And make an effort to spend time together doing things that don’t cost anything — go
afraid his friends won’t like him if he doesn’t have the
to the soccer field and the library, take nature walks and
same games they do.
bike rides, play a game of charades. No matter what your child says, he wants — and needs — a secure sense
Show how to give to others. Coleman advises exposing
of family more than a roomful of possessions.
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[ SEASONAL FUN ]
TisSANTA the Season… SIGHTINGS & TREE LIGHTINGS DECEMBER 1 Santa’s Arrival Danville Livery Every Saturday and Sunday 11:00am – 3:00pm www.danvillelivery.com
DECEMBER 1 – 14 (Weekends Only) DECEMBER 19 – JANUARY 4 (Daily) Holiday in the Park Six Flags Discovery Kingdom 1001 Fairgrounds Dr., Vallejo Various hours 707.643.6722 www.sixflags.com
DECEMBER 1 – 24 Ice Palace & Santa Photos Sunvalley Mall Concord Various hours www.shopsunvalley.com
Santa Photos Stoneridge Mall Pleasanton Various hours www.simon.com Santa at Broadway Plaza Broadway Plaza Walnut Creek Various hours www.broadwayplaza.com
DECEMBER 3 32nd Annual Tree Lighting Ceremony Dublin Civic Center 7:00pm – 9:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us Light Up the Season City Hall Plaza Hayward 5:00pm – 8:30pm www.hayward-ca.gov Holiday Parade of Lights & Tree Lighting Broadway Plaza Walnut Creek Festivities: 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.broadwayplaza.com Holiday Tree Lighting Moraga Commons Park Moraga Tree Lighting at 7:00pm www.moraga.ca.us
DECEMBER 4 – 20 & 21 – 23 Fairy Winterland Children’s Fairyland Oakland 510.452.2259 www.fairyland.org
DECEMBER 5 Christmas Tree Lighting Civic Center Plaza 3231 Main Street Oakley 4:00pm www.ci.oakley.ca.us
40 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
Alameda Mayor’s Holiday Tree Lighting Ceremony City Hall 2263 Santa Clara Ave Alameda 4:30pm – 6:15pm www.alamedaca.gov Home for the Holidays First St and Livermore Ave Livermore 10:00am – 4:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com 20th Annual Holiday Sights & Sounds Parade & Tree Lighting Downtown Livermore Livermore 6:00pm www.livermoredowntown.com Tots Winter Carnival Live Oak Park Berkeley 10:00am – 12:30pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
DECEMBER 5 – 6 Holidays in the Vineyards Multiple Wineries throughout Livermore Note: Santa will only be there Saturday 12:00pm – 4:30pm www.lvwine.org
DECEMBER 4 – 23 Visit & Photos with Santa Main Street Plaza Downtown Martinez www.downtownsnow.com
DECEMBER 12 Santa’s Village Opens! Dell’Osso Family Farm 501 S. Manthey Rd Lathrop 209.982.0833 www.holidaysonthefarm.com Breakfast with Santa Abert H. DeWitt O’Club Alameda 10:00am – 12:00pm www.alamedaca.gov
Breakfast with Santa Shannon Community Center Dublin Must purchase tickets! Three seating’s available: 8:30am, 9:45am or 11:00am 925.556.4500 www.ci.dublin.ca.us Brunch with Santa Oakley Recreation Building 1250 O’Hara Ave Registration required 10:00am www.ci.oakley.ca.us
DECEMBER 23 Visit from Santa Frances Albrier Community Center San Pablo Park Berkeley 11:00am – 1:00pm www.ci.berkeley.ca.us SANTA HAS A MAILBOX AT THE DANVILLE COMMUNITY CENTER!
Bring your letters to Santa, November 30th to December 11th, and you will receive a letter in return by December 24! Be sure to include your name and mailing address.
DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 41
[ PARENTING ] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek,People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail. She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba
What to Do If You’re Concerned About Your Kids’ Friends by Dr. Michele Borba Bad friends. It’s every parent’s worst nightmare, we imagine only the worst: drugs, smoking, sex, trouble with the law. But what should parents do if they notice that their daughter is hanging out more with a kid whose values don’t seem in sync with their own? Is there ever a time when you should forbid your son from being with a particular friend? The bottom line on this one: It’s okay to have friends who are different from your child. After all, exposing our kids to diversity is a big part of helping to broaden their horizons, learn new skills and perspectives, and get along with others. The trick here is to figure out when the other kid’s values or lifestyle are really reckless, self-destructive or totally inappropriate. Consider this: could hanging around this kid damage your child’s character, reputation, or health? Keep in mind that our kids are rarely made bad by another kid, but the friends our kids choose to hang around with sure can increase the odds that he
42 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
[ PARENTING ] may—or may not—get into trouble.
solutions he may face in bad company. “What if you go to a friend’s house and there aren’t any parents
Here are a few tips to help you handle these rougher
there?” “What if you’re at a slumber party and your
waters of parenting.
friends want to sneak out and (smoke, drink, meet boys, etc)?”
• Restate your standards. Be clear your child knows your family values and is aware of the consequence if he
• Get the facts. Talk to other parents, teachers, and
violates them. “No drugs, drinking, smoking.” “You
adults whose opinions you value. Do they know the kid
always call to tell me where you are.” “You only go
and share your concerns? Do their kids hang around
to homes where parents are there to supervise.” “You
with them? If not, why? What do they suggest?
don’t leave one location and go to another without telling me.” A one time talk to your child isn’t going to cut it, so plan to talk again and again.
• Know where your kid is at all times. Make it clear that immediately after school (or any activity) you want to hear from him. If your child doesn’t have access to a
• Share your concerns. Instead of judging or criticizing
cell phone or pager, give him a phone card and teach
your kid’s companion (which is guaranteed to end the
him how to use it or how to make collect phone calls.
conversation), describe the changes you see in your
There should be no excuses.
child. “I notice whenever you sit next to Kevin in class, I get a call from the teacher.” “You never swore before
• Keep an open house. Stock your refrigerator with sodas,
you starting hanging around that group.” If you’re not
save those pizza coupons, and make your house kid-
sure you understand what’s going on, ask questions.
friendly to interest your child’s friends to come to your
“You hid Ricky’s magazine when I came in your room.
house. In fact, worry more if your kid doesn’t want to
What exactly was it that you didn’t want me to see?”
bring his friends over. Besides feeling more comfortable and knowing where your kid is, you’ll also be able to
• Talk to the parent. Try to talk to the other kid’s parent, and it’s best to do so as soon as your child befriends
keep your eyes and ears open to see if your concerns are confirmed.
their child. Meeting personally would be ideal, but a phone call is usually more realistic. Try your best to be
• Foster new associations. The best way to limit time
positive, friendly, and open minded. Exchange phone
spent with a potential bad friend, is to find other social
numbers. And if you haven’t taken time to do so with
avenues to go down instead. Look for places he can
his other friends, make it a policy from now on.
make new friends, such as The Boys & Girls Club, scouts, clubs, music, or sports. Arrange activities that your child
• Befriend your child’s friends. Speak with them and let them know you are interested in their lives. You may
wants to participate in (the basketball team, guitar lessons, the art class).
see a different side. “Do you play any sports?” “How did you and Norma meet?” “Are you in any of the same classes?” “Can you stay for dinner?”
• Be prepared. Teach your child what to do any time he does not feel comfortable or thinks there could be trouble. Set up a code word that only you and your
• Ask “What if..” A good way to assess your kid’s ability to
family know such as Robin Hood, Trick or Treat, Jimmy
handle peers who could be troublesome, is by posing
called, etc. That way anytime you are talking to your
“What if…?” questions. You make up the problem
child and his friends are listening, he can say the word
scenario, but then listen to how your child responds. His
and you’ll know that it means they’re ready to come
answers will be a springboard to talk about possible
home. Also, have a parent support group available in DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 43
[ PARENTING ]
which you and another friend who knows your child
companion clearly is a “bad influence” and is pushing
well, agrees that anytime you’re not available your
your kid into experimenting with serious issues such as
child will call them (and vice versa with their kid) to pick him up.
drugs, substance abuse, shoplifting, sex, smoking, it’s time to draw a halt to the relationship. This may be
• Watch for red flags. Are you seeing any changes in your child’s behavior that may be warning signs that things are becoming more serious? The key is to look for differences you’ve noticed in your child since he
easier said than done, but you may need to consider the extreme: changing schools, a summer camp, a month at a relative’s, a boarding school, or even
began hanging around with this companion: Slipping
moving. In some cases, it really may be the only option
grades, tears, moodiness, red eyes (drugs), alcohol
to prevent a potential tragedy.
or smoke smell (or cologne to possibly cover up the smell), defiant or disrespectful attitude, hiding things or acting sneakily, sleeping too much, more accidents,
Above all, keep the lines of communication open and
a complete wardrobe change that is not your kid’s
your relationship warm and positive as your child. You
style, etc. Remember to direct your concerns to where
want to convey the message loud and clear: “I love
it really counts: how your kid acts instead of how the other kids behave.
you.” “Remember, I’m always here for you.” Don’t let your dislike of your child’s friends hinder your relationship with
• Forbid bad friend when serious issues emerge. If the
44 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
your child.
[ TRAVEL ]
DECEMBER 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 45
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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925-866-3020 46 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2015
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3200 Hopyard Road | Pleasanton | www.ailpleasanton.com tel. 925.462.7123
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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Comprehensive Brain Wellness Center
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The State of California has determined that some of these treatments are alternative or supplemental to medications, and as such, providers are not doctors.