Active Family Magazine | February 2022

FEBRUARY 2022

Livin’ La Vida Bonito

Want a Trustworthy 14 Year Old?

HOTEL SPOTLIGHT:

Monterey Plaza Hotel & Spa

Volume 9 / Issue 92

[ PARENTING ] Want a Trustworthy 14 Year Old?

Three Ways to Change Your Parenting in the Teenage Years

6

22

Do You Have A Sensitive Child?

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

14

[ TRAVEL ] Weekend Getaway 48 Hours in Redding, CA

10

Valentine's Gift Guide

Livin’ La Vida Bonito

8

16 Hotel Spotlight: Monterey Plaza Hotel & Spa

26

16 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

8

24

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area

Publisher/Editor

Social Media Manager and Sales Manager

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Trista Cambra-Flanders

Travel Editor

Design/Production

Elizabeth Kang ekang@activefamilymag.com

Teresa Agnew Craft

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Contributing Authors Elizabeth Kang Susan Stiffelman Dr. Christine Carter Dr. Laura Markham

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note The month of love typically includes the quest to find just the right gift to express our appreciation and feelings. We thought we’d keep things easy for you and share our favorite products in our gift guide on page 8. Whether you are shopping for him, her or the kiddos, we have ideas for just about everyone!

As we continue to share our beloved destinations around the globe, be sure to turn to page 16 to discover our recent jaunt to Cabo. We HIGHLY recommend the adults-only Pueblo Bonito Resort where you will be pampered and waited on every minute of the day. Their spa was delightful, the golf course amazing, food and beverages exceptional and the ocean views were spectacular! Do yourself a favor and book a trip today, you will be thanking us!

If you’re looking for a trip a little a closer to home, do check out our feature on Redding, CA on page 10 for a quick three-hour trip with the family.

Wishing you all a lovely February!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

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[ PARENTING ]

Want a Trustworthy 14 Year Old?

by Dr. Laura Markham I had a major Aha! moment, one summer when my almost 14 year old daughter had some friends over for a sleepover. Now, this was the second night in a row of sleepovers, which is not something we normally do. I agreed reluctantly, after extracting several promises from my daughter, including her reassurance that the girls would have the lights off and actually try to go to sleep at 11pm. Not only did they have to get up for summer camp at 7:30am, but I personally wanted to be in bed at 11pm.

Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

I knew one of the girls likes to stay up late at her own house, so I made a big deal about this, pointing out that if they wanted to stay up late, I would recommend they sleep at their own houses.

The next day, my daughter shared with me that the other two girls had wanted to wait until I went to bed and then get up and sneak outside. My daughter nixed it, pointing out that she had an agreement with me. One of the other girls -- and by the way, these girls spend a lot of time at my house, and I had made the agreement clear to them as well -- argued: "You won't do it just because your Mom said No? Who cares what she wants?

Why would you just do what your parents want?"

My daughter answered: "Because I want to!"

And that was the Aha Moment. Plenty of kids DON'T want to do what their parents want them to, particularly by the time they're 14. And of course Alice has plenty of times when she wants something different than I do, which can lead to long discussions about why she should be allowed to do something

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

[ PARENTING ] I'm reluctant to permit. This sleepover, in fact, is a good example of a time when I decided to allow it -- but only after we agreed on certain terms.

This whole website is designed to help you build that

Of course Alice wanted to fulfill those terms. She knows our whole relationship is based on trust, and our relationship is one of the most important things in her life. If she had broken our agreement, and I had found out, I would have been terribly wounded, and she knew that. At core, Alice keeps her agreements with me for the same reason I keep mine with her -- we would never intentionally hurt each other.

1. Stop raising your voice, and start listening. Especially

We tend our relationship, we nurture it and make repairs when it frays, and we would no more betray each other than we'd set fire to our house.

2. Foster emotional intelligence. Kids with high EQ make

Before you assume that my daughter is just a cooperative, compliant kid, I need to explain that she's extremely strong-willed. When she was a toddler, people used to say things to me like "I pity you when she's a teenager." Every step of the way, I have worked to stay connected to her, because I found that more fulfilling, but also because it was the only way to keep her cooperating. She and I joke that if she hadn't had such an understanding mother, she would have ended up as a criminal. Given her innate rebelliousness, this is only partly a joke, to both of us. So insuring that a kid like this would talk to me right through the teen years was a high priority to me starting in the toddler years!

The interesting thing to me is that the friend in question has told Alice she and her mother have a terrible relationship. Clearly, she wouldn't think twice about violating an agreement with her mom. And yet she says that Alice is so lucky to have "the best Mom in the world."

She clearly can't even imagine the kind of relationship Alice has with me, and the fact that it isn't about having a great mom, but about working together to have a great relationship.

relationship. But here are the basics. The earlier you start, the better.

when tempers flare and you get upset. If you fly off the handle, you erode the connection with your child. If you listen and try to see things from your child's point of view, you create a bridge of understanding that will last the rest of your life. Notice that to do this, you need to regulate your own emotions. Kids lose respect for parents who indulge in their own tantrums.

better choices, because they aren't driven by the need to prove themselves with their peers, or by their own upsets that they can't manage. To raise an emotionally intelligent child, start by offering emotional safety, soothing, and empathy. Then, model how kids can express their needs and feelings without attacking others.

Finally, allow all emotions, even while you limit behavior.

3. Stop punishing. You never need to punish to teach your child a lesson. Just set whatever limits are necessary, with empathy (which means acknowledging your child's perspective). Punishment erodes the parent-child relationship so your child loses the desire to cooperate and follow your lead. It also makes your child more likely to lie to you.

4. Prioritize the relationship. Kids can't articulate it, but they want to know that we adore them, believe in them, and find such value in them that caring for them makes us happy. When we constantly give them the message that other things -- our phones, our work, their siblings, keeping the house picked up -- are more important, they don't develop the unshakable inner happiness that allows them to make good choices in life. When kids feel disconnected, they act out, so strengthening and sweetening your interactions with your child is the recipe

I have to admit, it brings tears to my eyes to think about this girl's disconnection from her parents, a disconnection she is clearly now making worse with her behavior. I know her parents love her. I know she longs for their love. I wish I knew her parents well enough to have this conversation.

But even more, I wish I could tell every parent of a six year old to start now to build a close relationship with their child. You'll be so grateful you did, when they're 14.

for more cooperation, as well as a better relationship.

Maybe the most important thing you can do to help your child thrive is simply to enjoy your child and take pleasure in who he or she is.

This respectful parenting raises a child who tends their relationship with you. And that makes for a trustworthy teen.

FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7

FOR THE LITTLES Valentine's DIY Cookie Shot Decorating Kit, $49.99, www.thedirtycookieoc.com Powera Enhanced Wired Controller For Xbox In Red, $37.99, www.powera.com

FOR HER LEFT: Ember Mug²: Metallic Collection, $129.95, www.ember.com Yeti 10 oz. Wine Tumbler, $24.99, www.yeti.com Lecreuset L'amour Collection Soup Pot, $250, www.lecreuset.com Heidi Houston Square Hoops, $70, www.heidihouston.com ABOVE: Heidi Houston Tiger Pj Set, $98, www.heidihouston.com BELOW: Cashmere Cocoon – Charcoal, $278, www.heidihouston.com Julie Lindh Ageless System Beauty Wand 1.0, $225, www.julielindh.com

FOR THE BAKERS IN THE FAM

Valentine's Day Small Heart Silicone Candy Mold, 12-Cavity, $8.29, www.wilton.com Wilton Nesting Heart-Shaped Cookie Cutters, 4-Piece Set, $3.99, www.wilton.com Lecreuset 6-Cup Conversation Hearts Cakelet Pan, $24.50 (On Sale Now!), www.lecreuset.com

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

VALENTINE’S DAY

GIFT GUIDE FOR HIM Roadie 24 Hard Cooler, $199.99, www.yeti.com Premium Flipin Cornhole – Tabletop, $52. Cornhole Bag Set, $8, www.flipingame.com Resteck Neck And Back Massager 3d Kneading Pillow, $69.95, www.resteck.com The Bartesian Cocktail Maker, $349.99, www.bartesian.com

FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ TRAVEL ]

Weekend Getaway 48 HOURS IN REDDING, CA

by Elizabeth Kang

We love exploring new cities in our beautiful home state, especially places with kid-friendly attractions and outdoor activities. Our most recent adventure proved to have all of that and more. The town of Redding, 3.5 hours north of the East Bay Area, and directly north of Sacramento proved to be a fun 48 hours chock-full of adventure. Our weekend was brimming with outdoor exploration, kid-friendly fun, and delicious new favorite eateries. We even found a stylish and affordable hotel in the perfect location. Read on to see our itinerary for a fun-filled 48 hours in Redding, California

10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

[ TRAVEL ]

Friday 2 P.M. SET OFF!

Pick up the kids a bit early from school, send out that last work email, and hit the road for an easy drive north, (hopefully avoiding Friday night traffic with an early start.)

5:30 CHECK IN TO THE SHERATON REDDING The Sheraton Redding at Sundial Bridge offers a delicious onsite restaurant, a bar and a heated pool, plus affordable, spacious accommodations. It also boasts a great location right next to Turtle Bay Exploration Park. This family friendly hotel has it all, and we would stay again in a heartbeat.

6 P.M. DINNER AT MOSAIC Conveniently located right inside the hotel, Mosiac is a gorgeous casual dining restaurant with offerings that every family member will enjoy. Choose from brick oven pizzas, fresh salads, hearty pastas and local wine, while dining on the heated outdoor patio or cozy interior.

7:30 P.M. AN EVENING SWIM Take advantage of your hotel’s heated pool and treat the kids to a nighttime swim.

Not only fun, it’s also a great way to expel all of that pent up energy from the car ride, so they’ll be tuckered out for bed. At least that’s the goal, right?

FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11

[ TRAVEL ]

Saturday 8 A.M. BREAKFAST AT MOSIAC

You won’t have to go far for a hearty, delicious breakfast thanks to Mosiac. Here, enjoy updated classics such as french toast, Eggs Benedict, healthy avocado toast, decadent chicken & waffles, and more.

10 A.M. TURTLE BAY EXPLORATION PARK Open from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., Turtle Bay Exploration Park is a 300-acre museum, playground, arboretum and wildlife center located just a quick walk from The Sheraton Redding. This non-profit space is chock-full of kid fun, and a great way for kids to learn more about the native animals in their area, and how to protect them and their habitat. There are presentations featuring live animals, interactive exhibits, gardens, a nursery, and a giant playground with water features and climbing equipment.

4 P.M. WALK THE SUNDIAL BRIDGE The Sundial Bridge is a pedestrian bridge and art exhibition linking the north and south campuses of Turtle Bay Exploration Park, crossing the Sacramento River. This beautiful bridge is free to the public, and was designed by the world-famous Spanish architect Santiago Calatrava.

6 P.M. DINNER DOWNTOWN There are plenty of delicious and kidfriendly dining options in Redding, as we happily discovered. Some great choices include Woody’s Brewing for great burgers and craft beer, La Cocina De Chuy for highly rated Mexican cuisine, or Karline’s Restaurant for classic Italian pastas, seafood and prime rib.

12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

[ TRAVEL ]

Sunday

8 A.M. BREAKFAST AT AIRPARK CAFE Whether you have an aviation enthusiast in the family, or not, Airpark Cafe is a fun “must-do” while visiting Redding.

Gleefully watch planes land and takeoff while enjoying delicious fare at this airport eatery. The breakfast menu is delightful, with scratch-made biscuits and gravy, fluffy omelets, and strawberries pancakes, along with all the airplanes you can ogle.

9:30 A.M. CHECK OUT Wave goodbye to your hotel and change into some outdoor clothes, because there’s one last adventure to experience before the ride home.

10 A.M. RENT BIKES AT PEDEGO ELECTRIC BIKES Take advantage of the amazing bike trails in Redding and try out some electric bikes from Pedego Electric Bikes.

Electric bikes make the peddling a breeze, so the family will be able to enjoy the scenery even more. Child seats, helmets, and instruction are all available at the store. From the shop, it’s a simple path to the beautiful Sacramento River Trail, and conveniently located near plenty of lunch options.

12:30 P.M. PICNIC FROM SANDWICHERY Pick up some gourmet sandwiches for a picnic lunch from Sandwichery, located downtown. The mouthwatering sandwiches here are piled high with turkey, pastrami and/ or cheese, on soft, sliced bakery fresh bread. There are vegetarian sandwiches available, and tables should you choose to eat in.

2:30 P.M. RETURN BIKES & HEAD HOME Head home happy and exhausted after a fun-filled weekend in Redding, and keep in mind that there’s even more fun to be had on your next visit up. During winter, skiing and sledding is a popular activity at nearby Mt. Shasta Ski Park, and during the holidays, Turtle Bay Exploration Park hosts a festive Garden of Lights Display.

During the summer, Whiskeytown Lake is a popular destination where visitors cool off in the picturesque lake water, and rafting on the Sacramento River is another fun and exciting warm-weather excursion. Whatever the season, there’s plenty off fun and adventure waiting in Redding, California, and we can’t wait to visit again.

FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ PARENTING ]

Susan Stiffelman, Huffington Post Parent’s weekly advice columnist (“Parent Coach”), is an engaging speaker whose presentations leave audiences upbeat, entertained and fortified with practical strategies that will make an immediate and significant difference in their day to day lives. Susan is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child therapist, a credentialed teacher, and a highly regarded parenting coach. Instead of offering standard, scripted advice to parents about how to control their children, Susan focuses on helping them be what she calls the Captain of the ship their children need and naturally want to cooperate with, confide in, and respect. Those who attend Susan’s presentations routinely email her office with thanks, and a request to come back again!

Do You Have A Sensitive Child?

by Susan Stiffelman, MFT In her wonderful book, “The Highly Sensitive Child,” Elaine Aron talks about the fact that in every animal population,15 to 20 percent are on the impulsive end of the spectrum, and 15 to 20 percent on the sensitive side.

In her great wisdom, Mother Nature has once again orchestrated creation to ensure that some members of our “pack” will explore the world at large fearlessly, while others will be cautious enough to pay attention to subtle warning signs that might lead to danger.

Life is easier for those born with a nature that falls in the middle. Parents of 14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

[ PARENTING ] children whose temperament is impulsive worry about

whatever they want, denying them the ability to

what kind of trouble their youngins’ reckless behavior

learn how to handle frustration or disappointment.

might lead to. And children who are highly sensitive may

Be compassionate and validate your child’s feelings,

find it challenging to cope with the noise and commotion

but don’t fuss over them or give in when they’re not

of our highly stimulating world.

getting their way.

Sensitive youngsters tend toward shyness, meltdowns

3. Be gentle with sensitive kids. Those who are on the

and/or a rigidity about what they they can and cannot

sensitive end of the spectrum have thinner filters; lights

comfortably do, creating restrictions that drive parents a

are brighter, sounds are louder and looks or comments

little crazy at times.

that might go unnoticed by other children can hurt deeply. In other words, don’t make your child feel

But just like hair color or height, children are born with the

ashamed for being who they are, or tell them to simply

temperament they’re born with. The more we try to force

lighten up.

kids to change their essential nature, the more problems they create.

4. Teach your child cognitive tools for dealing with the behaviors in others that trigger hurt feelings. I use

Here’s my advice on dealing with a sensitive child:

something called ABC thinking that helps children identify what happened that caused them to feel hurt

1. Rule out any trauma that might make an otherwise

so they can avoid jumping to conclusions about events

thick-skinned child suddenly sensitive, anxious

or social interactions that may leave them feeling

or unstable. A sensitive child is born with that

victimized or overwhelmed.

temperament, but there are times when a child suffers an emotional blow and takes on sensitive, insecure

5. Finally, make sure that you highlight the many

characteristics. If your otherwise resilient child is

wonderful qualities — including thoughtfulness and

suddenly ultra sensitive, investigate what might have

caring — that your highly sensitive child brings to your

happened to cause them to be reactive or fearful. It

world.

may be worth exploring this with a professional, if you suspect they have experienced significant trauma.

For more support on raising a highly sensitive child – or if you are a highly sensitive parent – enjoy a replay of my

2. Avoid being overly indulgent or overprotective. Some children are raised to expect people to give them

Master Class with Elaine Aron and Alane Freund on Highly Sensitive Parents/Children by visiting this page.

FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ TRAVEL ]

[ TRAVEL ]

LIVIN’ LA VIDA BONITO

The Towers at Pueblo Bonito Pacifica is Our Top Choice for an Adult’s Winter Reprieve

by Elizabeth Kang In search of sun, sand & sea? Need some alone time

found next door at Pueblo Bonito Sunset. This just-built

with a spouse or a getaway with friends?Look no further

“culinary hall” offers a smorgasbord of delicious options,

than The Towers at Pueblo Bonito Pacific Golf & Spa

including a wood-fired pizza stall, a mouth-watering

Resort —our top recommendation to escape the winter

gelato stand, a 50’s style diner, an authentic Mexican-

doldrums. This gorgeous adult’s only, all-inclusive resort,

Cuisine option, a popular coffee and pastry stand, and

offers sophisticated luxury, unforgettable views, and

much more.

much-welcomed sun.

At the resort, there are four delicious restaurants to A Sunny Location

choose from, plus a high-end steakhouse located at the

Pueblo Bonito Pacifica occupies a coveted, west-facing

property’s golf course. Guests can find Mediterranean,

spot along the Baja coastline, and thus, is one of the only

Sushi, Mexican and American cuisine, plus poolside

resorts in Cabo where you can see the sun set over the

and in-room dining. Every restaurant we tried was truly

ocean. It makes for a dreamy scene while sitting on your

delicious and fresh, and served with gracious hospitality.

private terrace in the evening. The resort is situated on a private beach, so you can enjoy peace and serenity

Spacious Accommodations

without having to navigate aggressive vendors or jockey

The Towers at Pueblo Bonito Pacific Golf & Spa Resort

for a spot.

offers luxurious accommodations with room to stretch out, and unobstructed views of the glistening Pacific

It’s always a good time to go to Cabo San Lucas, but

Ocean. The 47 guest rooms here rooms are updated and

winter is especially nice. The weather is a warm and

spacious with a gorgeous old-world style and minimalist,

comfortable 75 - 85 degree-range, and as an added

timeless decor.

bonus, December through mid-April is whale-watching season. Spotting a blue, gray, or humpback whale from

Ocean View Suites with Butler Service boasts your own

the comfort of your own balcony recliner is a common,

24-hour butler service, where your own private butler is

and delightful, occurrence.

available at your every beck and call. Or splurge for the Towers Pool Suite, which also offer private plunge pools

Delicious Dining

on your outdoor terrace. Both of these room options are

This decadent resort is a rare find in our book — an

worth the upgrade and will make you feel like royalty.

all-inclusive where the food is absolutely delicious!

In addition to the delicious restaurants found on the

Fabulous Amenities

property, guests also have unlimited access to the

Among the wonderful amenities included on the

resort’s sister property restaurants. We highly recommend

property are sparkling beachfront swimming pools,

hopping on a complimentary shuttle to check out the

four delicious on-site restaurants, fully stocked bars with

newly opened The Market at Quivira, which can be

premium liquors, beer, wine and cocktails, a luxurious, FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

[ TRAVEL ]

18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

[ TRAVEL ]

full-service spa, and an oceanfront fitness center. There

The award-winning Quivira Golf Club is reserved

are tennis courts available for guests to use, as well

exclusively for guests and owners of Pueblo Bonito

as yoga classes held right on the beach. Hiking trails

Resorts, and features a Jack Nicklaus-designed course

boasting panoramic views are also accessible from the

boasting sweeping views of the Baja Peninsula desert

property.

and Pacific Ocean. This dynamic course also offers a clubhouse and mouthwatering Steakhouse, along with

Guests are welcomed to attend various resort activities

four comfort stations

during their stay, such as the wine-tasting seminars with an award-winning sommelier, and fun mixology and

Offsite Fun

tequila tastings hosted by the resort. Volleyball at the

The bustling town of Cabo San Lucas is only minutes

pool is also a favorite activity among guests, and a great

away, and charming San Jose Del Cabo is just about

way to socialize and meet others.

45 minutes away. Both towns offer handcrafted wares, FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19

[ TRAVEL ]

authentic taco shops, and fun excursions.

Cabo Arch for Instagram-worthy family pics, though the many boat tours offered online, or perhaps book

*Swimming with dolphins is a bucket-list item you can

a whale-watching boat tour during the day to spot

check off at Dolphin Discovery, located at the San Jose

Orcas, Humpbacks, Blue or Gray Whales on their annual

Del Cabo Marina. Pose with gentle and well-trained

migration path for the winter.

dolphins, or even hitch a ride on one for a one-in-alifetime experience.

*Adventurous types may enjoy a popular ATV tour while vacationing in Cabo, traveling through exciting and

*Book a sunset cruise to sail near the world-famous 20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

dramatic desert and seaside terrain.

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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www.prodigyfitness-jumpstart.com FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ PARENTING ]

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

Three Ways to Change Your Parenting in the Teenage Years

by Christine Carter, Ph.D.

This is the usual wide-eyed response when people hear that I have four teenagers. Sometimes people grimace, like the mere thought of it is a bitter pill. They are thinking, I know, that teenagers are hard, which, of course, they can be. Everyone assumes I must be insanely busy, or maybe just a little insane, and that raising four teenagers must be nearly impossible.

These thoughts occur because many teenagers tend to be either terribly disorganized, requiring constant nagging, or tightly wound, perfectionistic, and in need of constant therapy. There’s also all that new neuroscience showing, unfortunately, that the brain regions that help humans make wise 22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

[ PARENTING ] choices don’t mature until kids are in their mid 20s, and

adolescence, we parents need to (take a deep breath

that many potentially life-threatening risks become more

and) let them make their own decisions about their

appealing during adolescence while the normal fear of

lives. It’s not that we never say no anymore. Nor do

danger is temporarily suppressed. Knowing these things

we stop enforcing our family rules. It’s that we start to

can make it hard for us parents to relax.

involve teens more in creating the rules, and we let them make their own decisions—which they are going to do

Though teenagers can be hard to parent, the good news

anyway.

is that parenting teenagers is in many ways a hell of a lot easier than raising little kids. For this to be the case,

Letting our kids become the primary decision makers

however, our parenting needs to shift. Here are the three

does NOT mean that we become permissive, indulgent,

big shifts that parents of teenagers need to make to

or disengaged. It does mean that the quality—if not the

survive their kids’ adolescence.

quantity—of our support shifts. We give up our role as their chief of staff and become more like life coaches.

1. We step down as primary decision-makers and step

We ask questions, and provide emotional support.

up our coaching When our kids are little, we have to manage pretty much

2. We influence them differently

every aspect of their lives. We set bedtimes, plan meals,

It’d be great if we parents could just download

and make doctor’s appointments. We arrange carpools

information to our teens—say, about sex and drugs—and

and make all major decisions: where they will go to

know that they were going to use that information to

school, if they will go to camp, and where we’ll go on

make good decisions.

vacation. And when our kids are little, for the most part, they appreciate having involved and loving parents. It’s

But giving teenagers a lot of information isn’t an effective

great having someone else manage your calendar and

way to influence them anymore. Interesting research

get you to your activities (mostly) on time.

on this topic shows that what is effective for elementary school children—giving them information about their

But once kids reach adolescence, they need to start

health or well-being that they can act on—tends to be

managing their own lives, and they do tend to fire us as

mostly ineffective for teenagers.

their managers. Parents who are too controlling—those who won’t step down from their manager roles—breed

This is because adolescents are much more sensitive to

rebellion. Many kids with micromanaging parents will

whether or not they are being treated with respect. The

politely agree to the harsh limits their parents set with a

hormonal changes that come with puberty conspire with

“yes, sir” or a “yes, ma’am” attitude, but then will break

adolescent social dynamics to make teenagers much

those rules the first chance they get. They don’t do this

more attuned to social status. More specifically, they

because they are bad kids, but because they need to

become super touchy about whether or not they are

regain a sense of control over their own lives.

being treated as though they are high status.

The answer, according to neuropsychologist William

In the teenage brain, the part of themselves that is an

Stixrud and long-time educator Ned Johnson, authors

autonomous young adult is high status. The part of them

of The Self-Driven Child, is to hand the decision-

that is still a kid who needs our support is low status. They

making reins over to our teens. You read that right: By

might be half independent young adult, half little kid, FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ PARENTING ] but they are hugely motivated to become 100 percent

Talking with teenagers about their lives can be stressful.

autonomous…even if they do know, on some level, that

But teenagers today are dealing with some really hard

they still need our support and guidance.

stuff, and we parents need to create safe spaces for our teens to talk about the hard things.

When we give our adolescents a lot of information, especially when it is information that they don’t really

This takes a lot of courage. The simplest way to

want or that they think they already have, it can feel

increase our ability (and, frankly, willingness) to have

infantilizing to them. Even if we deliver the information

uncomfortable conversations with our teens is to practice

as we would to another adult, teenagers will often feel

doing it in baby steps. Instead of thinking about having

disrespected by the mere fact of our instruction.

a “big talk,” broach a difficult topic in short observations

So, when it’s time to bring up the topic you want to

and simple questions. Let teens lead; our real value

influence your teen about, speak as you would to

comes when we listen rather than instruct. Even when

someone with the highest possible social status—

we have a lot to say, it’s more important to give them a

someone you really, really respect. (I have to literally

chance to speak, to work out what they are thinking in

imagine that person in my head, and then imagine both

a low-risk environment. Practice staying calm despite

the tone and the words I would use with that person.)

the discomfort. Keep taking deep breaths. Keep relaxing

Remember, if your teen feels disrespected, nagged,

your shoulders. Notice your discomfort, and welcome it.

spoken down to, pressed upon, or infantilized, all bets are

It’s nothing to be afraid of.

off.

As hard as it might be for us to watch, our teenagers 3. We have a lot of hard conversations

are going to make mistakes. When they do, our anxious

Remember what you used to talk about with your kids

over-involvement won’t help. What will help, though, is

before they hit puberty? There are days when I’d give

our calm presence. This is more good news, because it is

anything to just be able to talk again about favorite

far more enjoyable to practice calm presence than it is

foods and favorite colors and the tooth fairy. It isn’t that

to freak out.

every conversation was easy when they were young, but I rarely felt the kind of discomfort I now feel while talking

Above all, we’ll do well to remember that their lives are

to my kids about things like sex—or even their college

their lives. It’s their journey, not ours. Our role is not to

applications. What starts as a casual conversation can

steer them through life like we would marionettes, but

quickly become an emotional minefield. It’s hard not to

rather to help them feel seen, and to help them feel safe.

let our own agendas creep in. And it can be really hard

For that, we need only to coach instead of manage,

to manage our own big feelings about things.

listen instead of instruct, and breathe through our discomfort.

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | FEBRUARY 2022

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HOTEL SPOTLIGHT: Monterey Plaza Hotel & Spa

by Elizabeth Kang

One of our favorite weekend getaway destinations, whether for a family trip, couple’s escape, or girlfriends’ getaway, is Monterey. It’s a quick drive, it’s oceanside, and it offers plenty of delicious dining options. So many, in fact, that we always have a hard time choosing where to eat for dinner. One thing we can always decide on, however, is lodging. That’s the easy part — Monterey Plaza Hotel & Spa. Monterey Plaza is our favorite hotel in Monterey, for good reason. This upscale hotel offers refined rooms, a delicious onsite restaurant & bar, a soothing full-service spa, and sparkling ocean views from its rooftop sundeck. And the location can’t be beat, within walking distance to Monterey’s famed Cannery Row, beautiful beaches, and downtown attractions.

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THE ROOM TO BOOK Ocean View Balcony With two Queens or one King, this 400-square-foot room is spacious, stately and comfortable. Best of all, it boasts ocean views and a private balcony right over the water. Enjoy your morning coffee in the fresh ocean air, to the sounds of crashing waves, in the comfort of your bathrobe.

THE DISH TO ORDER The Tasting Menu at Coastal Kitchen With tables overlooking the ocean, you won’t have to leave the hotel to experience an elevated, memorable meal highlighting the fresh seafood that Monterey is known for. Coastal Kitchen offers an exquisite, seasonal tasting menu with courses such as diver sea scallops, hand-cut pasta with black truffles, roasted black cod, and even dessert.

For more casual fare, grab a table at the hotel’s longstanding local’s favorite, Schooners. Here, enjoy classics like clam chowder, coippino, burgers, and steaks. Breakfast includes Dungeness Crab Benedict, Belgium waffles, and fresh-pressed juices. Kids’ menus are available, too.

THE DRINK TO ENJOY Big Little Lies Nothing says “vacay” like sipping a colorful drink overlooking the sunset on the ocean, and Monterey Plaza’s rooftop deck is the perfect spot to live this idyllic scenario out. Order a “Big Little Lies” made with Ketel One Grapefruit, Aperol, juices and Mumm champagne, and be sure to grab a seat by the fire pit for a cozy evening bursting with vacay vibes.

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THE SPA TREATMENT TO SPLURGE ON CBD Wellness Massage

Monterey Plaza Hotel’s Vista Blue Spa offers luxurious spa treatments in a state-of-the-art wellness facility, with stunning ocean views and a soothing, calm atmosphere. Named one of Travel & Leisure’s TOP 25 Spas for three years in a row, Vista Blue Spa offers an unforgettable luxury spa experience.

The CBD Wellness Massage is an anti-inflammatory and stress-reducing therapy massage using a concentrated plant therapy blend of CBD hemp oil and organic healing herbs. This organic, non-psychoactive CBD oil is extracted and purified from Colorado-grown hemp, and promotes deep relaxation and skin rejuvenation.

WHERE TO TAKE THE KIDS Monterey Bay Aquarium

The Monterey Bay Aquarium is renowned around the globe as one of the best aquariums is the world, and happily, it’s just a few blocks away from the Monterey Plaza Hotel. This must-see attraction is a short walk away, and a fun way to spend most of the day, even if you’re sans kids for the weekend. Visit sea otters, penguins, sharks, and a breathtaking display of glowing jellyfish, among other dazzling sea creatures.

MONTEREY PLAZA HOTEL & SPA 400 Cannery Row, Monterey, CA 93940 (877) 862-7552 www.montereyplazahotel.com FEBRUARY 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

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