Active Family Magazine | March 2022

MARCH 2022

Staying Connected to Your Teen

THREE WAYS TO CHANGE YOUR PARENTING IN THE TEENAGE YEARS

HOTEL SPOTLIGHT:

The Westin Anaheim Resort

Volume 9 / Issue 93

Three Ways to Change Your Parenting in the Teenage Years

[ SEASONAL FUN ]

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Yes, Your Kids Actually Want Chores. and Here’s Why.

[ TRAVEL ]

[ SUMMER CAMPS ]

Hotel Spotlight: The Westin Anaheim Resort

Summer Camp Guide

[ PARENTING ] Staying Connected to Your Teen

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Products We Love

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area

Publisher/Editor Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Travel Editor Elizabeth Kang ekang@activefamilymag.com

Social Media Manager and Sales Manager Trista Cambra-Flanders

Design/Production Teresa Agnew Craft

Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Contributing Authors Dr. Laura Markham Dr. Christine Carter Elizabeth Kang Dr. Meg Meeker

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com

Editor’s Note Spring is here and we couldn’t be happier! Although the weather can’t decide what season we are in, we are taking full advantage of this time of year! With Spring break just around the corner and the pandemic restrictions loosening, it’s time for family fun! Whether you are looking for a staycation close to home, or want to venture out, we know just the places! Do check out our social media channels for a plethora of travel inspiration - @activefamilymagazine, Facebook @activefamilymag.

It’s also time to start thinking about summer camp! Stay tuned and keep an eye out for our social media posts where we will be sharing our favorite programs around the Bay. Also be sure to flip to our Summer Camp Guide on page 26 for tons of ideas, no matter what your child’s interest.

Stay safe and happy spring!

Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com

[ PARENTING ]

Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone.

You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.

Staying Connected to Your Teen

by Dr. Laura Markham "We need to rethink the old metaphor of separating from our teens and replace it with the concept of extension. That is, during adolescence, teenagers need to extend away from their parents, all the while staying connected to their parents. Their job is to extend; your job is to connect."

– Michael Riera In the United States, we often make a cultural presumption that teens and young adults who are close to their parents are less independent in their lives. That's not true, says recent research. In fact, young adults who feel they can share honestly with their parents say they feel free to make independent decisions and don't feel the need to rebel against their parents' expectations.

(See research citation at end of article.)1

4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MARCH 2022

[ PARENTING ] Our job as parents is to meet our kids' emotional needs at

be himself, rather than who you want him to be, he'll

each stage of their development so they can advance

be able to grow into age-appropriate independence

to the demands of the next stage. In the teen years,

without cutting you off. If, on the other hand, you insist

everything we've done right and wrong comes into sharp

that he play the sport you love or that she agree with

focus. If we've accepted our child's dependency needs

your political views, your teen will have to choose

AND affirmed her development into her own separate

between a relationship with you and his or her integrity.

person, she'll stay connected to us even as her focus shifts to peers, high school and the passions that make

2. Listen. Empathize. Keep advice to a minimum.

her soul sing.

It doesn't matter how good your advice is. Every time you offer it, you're giving your teen the message that he

It’s appropriate for kids to become increasingly

can't solve his problems himself. Be a sounding board,

independent throughout their teen years. But it’s critical,

not a prescriber, and you'll find your teen coming back

for most of those years, for parents to remain their

for more.

teen’s emotional and moral compass. Kids will begin to experiment with intimate relationships outside the family,

3. Be available when your teen wants to talk.

but to do that successfully, they still rely on those intimate

For most teens, that means late at night over a snack. It's

relationships at home remaining solid.

worth a nap, and even setting your alarm for 1am. You'll be amazed at how much more your teen will open up

We need to invite our children to rely on us emotionally

in the wee hours. Most kids don’t keep an agenda and

until they’re emotionally ready to depend on themselves.

bring things up at a scheduled meeting. And nothing

Too often, in our culture, we let teenagers transfer their

makes them clam up faster than pressing them to talk.

dependency outside the family, with disastrous results.

Kids talk when something is up for them, particularly if

Teens often give up a great deal of themselves in pursuit

you've proven yourself to be a good listener, but not

of the closeness they crave, only to crash against the

overly attached to their opening up to you. (If you

hard reality that other teens aren’t developmentally able

push them to open up, they feel they have to defend

to offer them what they need.

their independence by keeping secrets from you.) Find ways to be in proximity where you’re both potentially

The biggest predictor of how early your child will

available, without it seeming like a demand. This may

become sexually active? The closer she is to you and her

seem obvious, but stating your availability invites contact

other parent, the longer she'll wait.

that might not otherwise occur:

It is NOT a sign of healthy emotional development for

"I'll be in the study working if you want me" or "I have to

a teen to push parents away, or for parents to let him.

run to the grocery store, but don't hesitate to call my cell

That’s a sign of a damaged relationship. Attempting to

phone if you need me."

parent when your relationship with your teen is damaged is like pushing a boulder uphill. It’s never too late in your

The most important part of staying available is your state

relationship with your child to do repair work, to move

of mind. Your child will sense your emotional availability.

closer. But it’s a whole lot harder to build the strong

Parents who have close relationships with their teens

connection you want if the foundation isn’t there.

often say that as their child has gotten older, they've made it a practice to drop everything else if their teen

HOW CAN YOU STAY CONNECTED TO YOUR TEEN?

signals a desire to talk. This can be difficult if you're also handling a demanding job and other responsibilities,

1. Recognize that your teen's fierce need for

of course. But kids who feel that other things are more

independence doesn't mean he can't stay connected to

important to their parents often look elsewhere when

you.

they're emotionally needy. And that's our loss, as much

If you can let your teen exercise his own judgment and

as theirs.

MARCH 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 5

[ PARENTING ] 4. Don't try to remake your teen.

express their emotions. Taking it personally wounds you,

Your teen is still learning the rules of grooming, and

which means you do what we all do when hurt: either

experimenting with new identities almost weekly. Think

close off, or lash out, or both. Which just worsens a tough

she'd look better with her hair off her face? Think he

situation for all concerned.

should wash his face more? Be sure any suggestions are made tactfully, and only once. After that, your teen will

Remembering not to take it personally means you:

perceive them as rejection.

• Take a deep breath • Let the hurt go

5. Welcome your teen's friends.

You want her hanging out at your house, right? Keep

• Remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment

snacks available and greet her friends with a smile when

• Consciously lower your voice

they pile in unexpectedly.

• Try hard to remember what it feels like to be a kid who is upset and over-reacting.

6. Keep track of the "goodwill balance" in your relationship with your teen and fill it with warm

• Think through how to respond calmly and constructively.

interactions as necessary.

Scientists have found a way to predict which couples will

You still set limits, of course, but try to do it from as

end up divorcing: those who don’t insure that they have

calm a place as you can muster. Your child will be

at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one.

deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at

It turns out that maintaining this 5 to 1 ratio is effective

the moment. I'm not suggesting that you let your child

insurance to stay connected in every relationship,

treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of

including between parents and teens.

love, rather than anger, as you set limits, and that you acknowledge her upset before you demand respect.

Try as we might, all of us sometimes have less than optimal interactions with our children. Remember that

When he was little, you learned to "connect before you

each one of those interactions that leave anyone

correct." That's still a helpful guideline. So try starting

feeling bad require five positive interactions to restore a

with "Ouch! You must be so upset to speak to me that

positive valence to the relationship. These can be little –

way. What's the matter?" No, you aren't giving him

a smile or pat on the shoulder – as long as you make sure

license to be rude. You made it clear that his tone or

they have a positive impact.

words were hurtful. But you also made it clear that you understand he's upset, and you're willing to be there to

One caution -- don’t be tempted to buy five presents,

help, no matter what. That's the definition of effective

even if you goofed royally. Occasional gifts for no reason

"attunement" (according to relationship researcher John

are fine, but all kids distinguish between emotional

Gottman.) Your child will feel heard and valued. And

connection and things, and they always notice when

once he feels better, if you've been modeling how to

parents use money to buy their goodwill. They won’t

apologize and repair, he'll find a way to apologize to

turn down the gifts, but it’s a net loss to the relationship’s

you and repair the relationship.

emotional bank account.

What if you're too angry to get in touch with your love at 7. Don't take it personally.

the moment? Wait to set limits until you're calm and able

Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom,

to feel love and empathy for your child.

screaming, I hate you, you never understand! What's the most important thing to remember? DON'T TAKE

8. Place a premium on relationships in your family by

IT PERSONALLY! This isn't primarily about you, it's about

spending some time together every single day.

them: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling

Whether it's five minutes at bedtime or washing the

themselves, their immature ability to understand and

dishes together after dinner, make sure you have time

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MARCH 2022

[ PARENTING ] to connect with your teen every day. If your teen is

If your expectation is that re-connecting after time

resistant to spending time with you, develop routines

apart is an important part of life, your teens will share

where you share something that your teen enjoys

that expectation. Demand your teen's attention in an

doing: play a game of ping pong or have a cup of

inoffensive way, with a light touch, and don't take any

tea together every night, take a walk for ice cream on

disinterest personally. Once they get used to the routine

Monday evenings, make brunch together or play some

of reconnecting after separation, they'll take it for

basketball on Sunday mornings. Kids often wait for these

granted.

routine times with their parents to bring up something that’s bothering them. Don't expect your son or daughter

11. Acknowledge separations and reunions.

to invite closeness or volunteer vulnerable emotions at

When you or your teen leaves, say goodbye. When

each interaction, or when you expect it. But if you set

you return, say hello. When you first see your teen in the

up enough regular opportunities to be together, it will

morning, make a point of greeting him, preferably with

happen.

a hug. This may seem obvious, but lots of families don’t do it. Research shows that men who hug their wives

9. If you don't get the response you want to your

goodbye in the morning live longer, earn more, and are

overtures towards your child, step back and watch how

happier. While there is no data yet on how this applies

you initiate.

to parents and kids, you can bet I hug my teens, as well

Are you inviting a positive response? Kids have a lot on

as my husband, goodbye. (Of course, I may make an

their minds, from the history test to the soccer tryouts to

exception if their friends are present, but often the friends

the newest computer game. Not to mention that by the

get hugs too!)

time they’re tweens they’re swamped with hormones, and evaluating themselves in every mirror they pass.

12. When you physically reconnect, consciously refocus

Parents can be dismally low on their list.

your attention.

Otherwise, it’s automatic for all of us to keep thinking

So find ways to get in their face in a friendly, inoffensive

about the meeting we just attended or what we need

way. It’s fine to demand and expect connection – you

to pick up at the grocery store. Teens are often ready to

have a right to a relationship with your child. But you’re

talk when they first get in the car, but the minute they sit

more likely to find the response you want if you can help

down at their computer, connecting with parents is the

your child remember why she likes you!

last thing they want to do.

“I was hoping we could go out for brunch one day this

13. Until you’ve re-established the connection, keep

weekend for some special Mom and Alice time” will work

distractions to a minimum.

a lot better than “You never tell me anything these days!”

This may seem obvious, but if you can make yourself turn off the news when your teen gets in the car, you're

10. When we recollect our teens physically into our orbit,

lots more likely to make a connection with him and

we need to recollect them emotionally as well.

hear about what happened at band practice. If she’s

Life, with its infinite distractions and constant separations,

coming back from a sleepover, try to avoid having family

has a way of eroding connection. While our teens

friends over at the same time. Insist that she spend some

are separated from us, they orient themselves around

time interacting with the family before she gets on the

other things: their peers, their team, their computer. All

phone or computer to chat with her friends. When one

parents need to repeatedly reconnect with their teens,

of you arrives home, don’t answer the phone during

just to repair the daily erosion created by life’s normal

your greeting, even if it was a routine separation. As

separations and distractions. Effective parenting is almost

automatic as it is to answer the phone or check that text,

impossible until the positive connection with your child

greeting each other and reconnecting is ultimately more

has been re-established, so think of this as preventive

important. That’s what voice mail is for. And you never

maintenance, before there’s a problem.

want to model that an incoming text is more important MARCH 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7

[ PARENTING ] than the person you're with physically.

If your teen’s attachment needs have gone unmet, for whatever reason, he or she has probably turned to the

14. Attune to your teen’s mood.

peer group to try to get them fi lled. Parenting becomes

Your moods are unlikely to be in sync after time apart. To

impossible when you aren’t your child’s “secure base,”

re-connect, you will probably need to adjust your mood

as the attachment theorists say. You’ll need to do some

to your teen's. If you come on bubbly when he's pensive,

relationship repair work to get your child’s attachment

you'll be met with stony silence.

focused back on you where it belongs. Don't attempt

15. Welcome your teen’s expressions of dependence.

Your teen is constantly squashing his dependency needs so that he can function independently in a demanding environment. Your presence, with all of its comforting reassurance and warmth, signals to him that he can relax and let down his guard. Expect him to act childish sometimes at home, and don't be afraid of coddling him

much discipline until your relationship is on a better footing, when your teen will want to cooperate to please you.

"As we well know, a hallmark of adolescence is resistance. Just as crying exercises a baby's lungs, resistance exercises adolescents' abstract reasoning

a little. You're not "encouraging dependency." You're

skills...No longer able to physically contain or comfort

"allowing" the dependency that is there anyway, and

them, our only hope is to stay in touch...rather than

will otherwise go undercover. Don't worry, your teen

trying to prevail or curtail, we need only strive for

won't be dependent forever.

connection itself."

16. In addition to daily preventive maintenance, do

–Jennifer Marshall Lippincott, 7 Things Your Teenager

repair work as necessary.

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[ TRAVEL ]

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[ TRAVEL ]

HOTEL SPOTLIGHT: The Westin Anaheim Resort

by Elizabeth Kang

Whenever I tell a friend I’m visiting Disneyland, invariably, they ask, “where are you staying?”

That question had always made me hesitate, as I silently weighed the pros and cons of each hotel I’ve stayed at near the park. A few were a great value, but too far of a walk to Disneyland. Another was smack dab near the entrance of the park, but too expensive. Yet another boasted an amazing pool area, but suffered from dated, run-down rooms. I never seemed to find the right balance of value, amenities, and proximity. Until recently, that is.

Now, when someone asks my recommendation for a resort to stay at during their Disneyland vacation, I can answer without hesitation — The Westin Anaheim Resort.

The Westin Anaheim is a stunning resort featuring wonderful amenities, including a year-round pool and hot tub, a well-equipped and spacious gym, outdoor lawn games such as corn hole and giant connect-four, and a whopping seven dining options. Read on to discover why this is my new favorite hotel to book when visiting “the happiest place on earth.”

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[ TRAVEL ]

PROXIMITY TO THE PARK This newly built hotel is a quick 12-minute walk to the park, passing through charming Downtown Disney, after walking by the Paradise Pier Hotel.

As an added bonus, the short walk feels safe and quaint, because we don’t have to walk near the freeway area, (where some of the hotels that we’ve previously stayed at are located.)

OUTSTANDING VALUE Although it has the look, comfort and feel of a luxury 5-star hotel, The Westin Anaheim is surprisingly affordable, especially when you compare the cost with that of staying at other high-end hotels in the area. Rooms at The Westin start at just $250 in the low season. I highly recommend spending a bit more for a room with a view of the park, where you and your family will be delighted to watch Disneyland’s fireworks display from the comfort of your own balcony.

Even without the fireworks, the view of the massive “Incredicoaster” ride zipping by is just awesome.

HIGH-END & HIGH-TECH Because the resort is so new, there are some wonderful high-end touches that both the techsavvy and luddite will appreciate. Plug-free phone chargers recharge your phone by just placing it atop the bedside alarm clock, and “nighttime” settings on your room’s master light switch dim all the lights in the room, creating a cozy vibe that’s perfect for winding down. The rooms are elegantly appointed with luxurious linens, soothing hues, and high-end finishes.

Need extra space? Accommodations range from cozy one-bedrooms to spacious two-bedroom suites with kitchenettes, living areas, and multiple bathrooms, so the whole family can enjoy their own bed, space, and privacy.

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[ TRAVEL ]

CLUB LEVEL CONVENIENCE For the utmost in convenience, book a “club level” room, which gives your family access to the club level lounge. Here, enjoy all-you-can-eat continental breakfast, a delicious happy hour with bite-sized hors-d’oeuvres, and snacks throughout the day and evening. The club level features an outdoor terrace with sweeping views of Disneyland and Los Angeles, along with comfortable seating, and welcoming service.

DELICIOUS DINING There are seven delicious dining options located right on the grounds of the Westin Anaheim, from casual grab’n’go to flawless fine dining. *Blossom Cafe & Market offers healthy and convenient options for a quick and casual breakfast, lunch or snack. Choose from fresh juices, smoothies, and coffee drinks, as well as freshly baked treats, scratch-made salads, soup and sandwiches, and breakfast options such as biscuit-egg-sandwiches or egg-white-pestowrap. *Tangerine Room is a casual, modern restaurant offering hearty breakfasts, including a breakfast buffet, and delicious lunch and dinner options such as burgers, salads, pastas and seafood entrees. A children’s menu is also offered. *Fleming’s Prime Steakhouse & Wine Bar delivers traditional, white-tablecloth steakhouse fare with superb service. Enjoy prime steaks, fresh seafood, craft cocktails and California’s best wine selections all within just a few steps from your hotel room. *Puesto is an upscale Mexican restaurant with an award-winning kitchen & bar. This lively spot serves up great ambiance, fresh ceviche and delicious tacos, along with innovative cocktails featuring an extensive list of tequilas. *Bella’s Splash Pool is open Spring through early Fall, MARCH 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ TRAVEL ]

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[ TRAVEL ]

and boasts poolside food and beverage service so you won’t have to leave the comfort of your pool chair. *Bar 1030 features light bites and unique happy hour offerings, along with craft cocktails, beer and wine. *RISE Rooftop Lounge, open Wednesday through Sunday, boasts the best view in the area, with unobstructed, direct views of Disney California Adventure Park. This is a fabulous spot to catch the weekend firework display that Disneyland puts on, as well as to nibble small bits and sip innovative cocktails.

Because The Westin Anaheim gives so much luxury, amenities and value for our buck, my family will be staying here from now on whenever we visit Disneyland. We can’t wait to be back!

THE WESTIN ANAHEIM RESORT 1030 W Katella Ave, Anaheim, CA 92802 (657) 279-9786 www.marriott.com MARCH 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15

[ PARENTING ] Dr. Meeker is a pediatrician, who has practiced pediatric and adolescent medicine for 25 years. She is the author of six books including the best-selling Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: Ten Secrets Every Father Should Know; Boys Should Be Boys; Your Kids At Risk;, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose and Sanity; Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30 Day Challenge and Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men, (Ballantine) April 2014. She is a popular speaker on pediatric health issues and child-parent relationships.

Dr. Meeker is co-host and physicianin-residence of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk Radio. She is also Assistant Clinical Professor at Michigan State University College of Human Medicine and currently teaches medical students and physicians in residency training.

She is board certified with the American Board of Pediatrics and is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Dr. Meeker serves on the National Advisory Board of the Medical Institute. She has been married to her husband, Walter for 32 years. They have shared a medical practice for over 20 years.

They have three grown daughters and a grown son. She lives in northern Michigan.

Yes, Your Kids Actually Want Chores. and Here’s Why. Giving your children chores help them have a sense of value and self-worth.

by Dr. Meg Meeker Spring is here, and it feels oh so different from last year, doesn’t it? Many areas of the country are beginning to rapidly vaccinate communities. States are starting to open back up. And while the pandemic is not over, it’s certainly starting to feel like the worst of it is.

With this type of change comes the urge to purge. Spring cleaning season is upon us and after holing up for an entire year, we probably have a good 16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MARCH 2022

[ PARENTING ] amount of cleaning to do.

that will motive him enough to complete the task and feel rewarded when he’s done.

This year, instead of simply cleaning the baseboard sand organizing your closets, what if you got your kids

Stick to the consequences.

involved? Spring cleaning is an excellent opportunity to

Just like you have to lay out a clear reward system for

teach your kids about chores, housework and their value.

your child to do her chores, you also need to lay out

In fact, kids like to be included in this type of work. It

clear consequences for when she doesn’t complete

makes them feel like a valuable contributor to the family.

them. No work? No money, or video game time or whatever her reward is.

Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior, says that when kids aren’t asked to

This is where parents fall down. They don’t want to

contribute to their family, neighborhood or community,

implement consequences because it so often results in a

“that really erodes their sense of self-worth — just as it would with an adult being unemployed.”

In addition to this, chores and work help teach your child self-control and self-discipline—both of these are important characteristics to have as an adult.

After a year of quarantine, you may be wary of this. Your child’s behavior has been erratic, they’re tired of listening to you, they’re having serious behavioral issues, which is to be expected if your child has been cooped up for too long and doing online school, rather than out and about with his friends. But this doesn’t mean your child has to miss out on the valuable lesson chores can teach him.

If you want your child to participate more with household chores, here are a few tips from a conversation I had with my friend Rachel Cruz that will get him involved and even enjoying the work.

temper tantrum or simply requires energy you probably don’t have at the end of the day. But sticking to the consequences is so important because if you show your child that you’re not serious about the consequences, she won’t do her chores. She will quickly figure out that she will still eventually get her reward anyway, so why put in the work?

Tell your child what the consequences will be if she doesn’t complete her chores, then stick to them.

Don’t let your child argue with you.

When kids don’t want to do their chores, they draw you into an argument. They argue about why they should have to do their chores or when they should do them.

Parents, the argument is a trap. Don’t fall into it. When your child starts arguing with you, he’s stalling. He’s trying to get out of doing the work.

Reward them for their work.

Growing up with Dave Ramsey as her father, Rachel

Never argue with your child. Depersonalize it. Simply

says she received a “commission” for her chores—an

say, “I’m the one who makes the list of chores and if you

allowance that she could use however she wanted, as

do your chores, this is what you get. And if you don’t do

long as she did her chores.

them, this is what the consequence will be.”

We all know kids need incentives. They are not mature

Don’t assume all of the responsibilities of Spring Cleaning

enough to know the long-term benefits of doing chores.

this year. With this new wind sweeping through our

They need something in the here-and-now to encourage

country, make it a new day in your home, one where the

them. Lay out a reward system for your child when he

whole family chips in for the big spring clean and in the

does his chores. Whether it’s a commission, ice cream,

process, your kids learn the value of hard work and their

an outing to his favorite arcade, make sure it’s something

own value as a contributor to the family.

MARCH 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17

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[ PARENTING ]

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

Three Ways to Change Your Parenting in the Teenage Years

by Christine Carter, Ph.D.

“Wow. Ugh. That’s amazing!”

This is the usual wide-eyed response when people hear that I have four teenagers. Sometimes people grimace, like the mere thought of it is a bitter pill. They are thinking, I know, that teenagers are hard, which, of course, they can be. Everyone assumes I must be insanely busy, or maybe just a little insane, and that raising four teenagers must be nearly impossible.

These thoughts occur because many teenagers tend to be either terribly disorganized, requiring constant nagging, or tightly wound, perfectionistic, 20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MARCH 2022

[ PARENTING ] and in need of constant therapy. There’s also all that

Stixrud and long-time educator Ned Johnson, authors

new neuroscience showing, unfortunately, that the

of The Self-Driven Child, is to hand the decision-

brain regions that help humans make wise choices don’t

making reins over to our teens. You read that right: By

mature until kids are in their mid 20s, and that many

adolescence, we parents need to (take a deep breath

potentially life-threatening risks become more appealing

and) let them make their own decisions about their

during adolescence while the normal fear of danger is

lives. It’s not that we never say no anymore. Nor do

temporarily suppressed. Knowing these things can make

we stop enforcing our family rules. It’s that we start to

it hard for us parents to relax.

involve teens more in creating the rules, and we let them make their own decisions—which they are going to do

Though teenagers can be hard to parent, the good news

anyway.

is that parenting teenagers is in many ways a hell of a lot easier than raising little kids. For this to be the case,

Letting our kids become the primary decision makers

however, our parenting needs to shift. Here are the three

does NOT mean that we become permissive, indulgent,

big shifts that parents of teenagers need to make to

or disengaged. It does mean that the quality—if not the

survive their kids’ adolescence.

quantity—of our support shifts. We give up our role as their chief of staff and become more like life coaches.

1. We step down as primary decision-makers and step

We ask questions, and provide emotional support.

up our coaching When our kids are little, we have to manage pretty much

2. We influence them differently

every aspect of their lives. We set bedtimes, plan meals,

It’d be great if we parents could just download

and make doctor’s appointments. We arrange carpools

information to our teens—say, about sex and drugs—and

and make all major decisions: where they will go to

know that they were going to use that information to

school, if they will go to camp, and where we’ll go on

make good decisions.

vacation. And when our kids are little, for the most part, they appreciate having involved and loving parents. It’s

But giving teenagers a lot of information isn’t an effective

great having someone else manage your calendar and

way to influence them anymore. Interesting research

get you to your activities (mostly) on time.

on this topic shows that what is effective for elementary school children—giving them information about their

But once kids reach adolescence, they need to start

health or well-being that they can act on—tends to be

managing their own lives, and they do tend to fire us as

mostly ineffective for teenagers.

their managers. Parents who are too controlling—those who won’t step down from their manager roles—breed

This is because adolescents are much more sensitive to

rebellion. Many kids with micromanaging parents will

whether or not they are being treated with respect. The

politely agree to the harsh limits their parents set with a

hormonal changes that come with puberty conspire with

“yes, sir” or a “yes, ma’am” attitude, but then will break

adolescent social dynamics to make teenagers much

those rules the first chance they get. They don’t do this

more attuned to social status. More specifically, they

because they are bad kids, but because they need to

become super touchy about whether or not they are

regain a sense of control over their own lives.

being treated as though they are high status.

The answer, according to neuropsychologist William

In the teenage brain, the part of themselves that is an MARCH 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ PARENTING ] autonomous young adult is high status. The part of them

to manage our own big feelings about things.

that is still a kid who needs our support is low status. They

Talking with teenagers about their lives can be stressful.

might be half independent young adult, half little kid,

But teenagers today are dealing with some really hard

but they are hugely motivated to become 100 percent

stuff, and we parents need to create safe spaces for our

autonomous…even if they do know, on some level, that

teens to talk about the hard things.

they still need our support and guidance.

This takes a lot of courage. The simplest way to When we give our adolescents a lot of information, especially when it is information that they don’t really want or that they think they already have, it can feel infantilizing to them. Even if we deliver the information as we would to another adult, teenagers will often feel disrespected by the mere fact of our instruction.

increase our ability (and, frankly, willingness) to have uncomfortable conversations with our teens is to practice doing it in baby steps. Instead of thinking about having a “big talk,” broach a difficult topic in short observations and simple questions. Let teens lead; our real value comes when we listen rather than instruct. Even when we have a lot to say, it’s more important to give them a

So, when it’s time to bring up the topic you want to influence your teen about, speak as you would to someone with the highest possible social status— someone you really, really respect. (I have to literally imagine that person in my head, and then imagine both the tone and the words I would use with that person.)

chance to speak, to work out what they are thinking in a low-risk environment. Practice staying calm despite the discomfort. Keep taking deep breaths. Keep relaxing your shoulders. Notice your discomfort, and welcome it.

It’s nothing to be afraid of.

Remember, if your teen feels disrespected, nagged, spoken down to, pressed upon, or infantilized, all bets are off.

As hard as it might be for us to watch, our teenagers are going to make mistakes. When they do, our anxious over-involvement won’t help. What will help, though, is

3. We have a lot of hard conversations Remember what you used to talk about with your kids before they hit puberty? There are days when I’d give

our calm presence. This is more good news, because it is far more enjoyable to practice calm presence than it is to freak out.

anything to just be able to talk again about favorite foods and favorite colors and the tooth fairy. It isn’t that

Above all, we’ll do well to remember that their lives are

every conversation was easy when they were young, but

their lives. It’s their journey, not ours. Our role is not to

I rarely felt the kind of discomfort I now feel while talking

steer them through life like we would marionettes, but

to my kids about things like sex—or even their college

rather to help them feel seen, and to help them feel safe.

applications. What starts as a casual conversation can

For that, we need only to coach instead of manage,

quickly become an emotional minefield. It’s hard not to

listen instead of instruct, and breathe through our

let our own agendas creep in. And it can be really hard

discomfort.

22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MARCH 2022

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[ SUMMER CAMP ]

Summer Alameda County ALAMEDA Alameda School of Music 1307 High St. 510.769.0195 www.alamusic.org

Camp Bladium 800 West Tower Ave 510.814.4999 www.bladiumalameda.com/ youth-kids/kids-camps

BERKELEY Music Discovery Workshop 2005 Berryman St. 510.528.1725 www.sfems.org

St. John’s Camp Elmwood 2727 College Ave. 510.845.6830 www.stjohnsberkeley.org/ campelmwood

Sticky Art Lab 1682 University Ave. 510.981.1148 www.stickyartlab.com

City of Dublin 100 Civic Plaza 925.556.4500 www.ci.dublin.ca.us

Young Writers Camp UC Berkeley Campus 510.642.0971

Valley Christian School 7500 Inspiration Dr. 925.560.6270

www.bawpwritingcamp.org

www.ValleyChristianSchools.org

Green Stuff Summer Camp UC Berkeley Botanical Gardens 510.643.4832

Edge Gymnastics Training Center 6780 Sierra Court St. K 925.479.9904

www.botanicalgarden.berkeley.edu

www.edge-gymnastics.com

Lawrence Hall of Science UC Berkeley 510.642.5134

Kidz Kraftz Quail Creek Cir. 925.271.0015

www.lawrencehallofscience.org

www.kidzkraftz.com/camps

BERKELEY/ECHO LAKE

Tri-Valley YMCA 6693 Sierra Ln 925.263.4444

Berkeley Echo Lake Camp Lot #7 Echo Lakes Rd 530.659.7539 www.cityofberkeley.info/camps

CASTRO VALLEY Skye Valley Training Camp 10250 Crow Canyon Rd 925.858.8825 www.psi.lunariffic.com/~skyev0/

Sarah’s Science 21525 Knoll Way 510.581.3739 www.sarahscience.com

Camp Kee Tov 1301 Oxford St. 510.842.2372 www.campkeetov.org

Bee Best Learning 20394 San Miguel Ave. 510.728.2110 www.beebestlearning.com

Habitot 2065 Kittredge St. 510.647.1111 ext. 14 www.habitot.org/museum/ activities_camps.html

Monkey Business Camp 2880A Sacramento St. 510.540.6025

www.trivalley.ymcaeastbay.org

Extended Day Child Care 8435 Davona Dr. 925.829.4043 & 7997 Vomac Rd. 925.551.8170 7243 Tamarack Dr. 925.833.0127 & 5301 Hibernia Dr. 925.803.4154 & 3300 Antone Way 925.826.5538 www.extendeddaychildcare.com

Quarry Lane School 6363 Tassajara Rd. 925.829.8000

DUBLIN

www.quarrylane.org

East Bay SPCA Animal Camp 4651 Gleason Dr. 925.479.9670

FREMONT

www.eastbayspca.org/camp

www.monkeybusinesscamp.com

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MARCH 2022

Learning Bee Summer Camp 39977 Mission Blvd.

510.226.8408 www.learningbeeusa.com

Ohlone for Kids 43600 Mission Blvd.

510.659.6000 www.ohlone.edu/org/ ohloneforkids

HAYWARD Hayward Area Recreation Park District (H.A.R.D.) Day Camps 510.881.6700 www.haywardrec.org

LIVERMORE Horizons East Equestrian Center 5111 Doolan Rd. 925.960.9696 www.showstables.com

Roy’s Magic Camp 2466 8th St. 925.455.0600 www.magiccamp.org

Camp Arroyo Taylor Family Foundation 5535 Arroyo Rd. 925.371.8401 www.ebparks.org/activities/ daycamps/parks_camp_arroyo

Saddle to Ride Topline Training, Inc. 4180 Greenville Rd. 925.858.3933 www.saddle2ride.com

Xtreme Force Dance Company 847 Rincon Ave. 925.455.6054 www.xtremeforcedanceco.com

Double Diamond Sports Academy 2272 Research Dr. 925.830.9765 www. doublediamondsportsacademy. com

[ SUMMER CAMP ]

Camps Valley Montessori 1273 N. Livermore Ave. 925.455.8021

MOCHA Summer Camp 1625 Clay St. 510.465.8770

Contra Costa County

www.valleymontessorischool.com

www.mocha.org

OAKLAND

PLEASANTON

Lakeshore Children’s Center 3534 Lakeshore Ave. 510.893.4048

Gingerbread Preschool 4333 Black Ave. 925.931.3430

City of Antioch Parks and Recreation 213 “F” St 925.776.7070

www.lakeshorechildrenscenter.org

www.ci.pleasanton.ca.us/services/ recreation/gb/gbhome.html

Urban Adventure Camp 5701 Cabot Dr. 510.339.0676 www.urbanadventurecamps.com

Extended Day Child Care 5199 Black Ave. 925.846.5519 www.extendeddaychildcare.com

East Bay SPCA Animal Camp 8323 Baldwin St. 510.569.0702 www.eastbayspca.org/camp

Quarry Lane School - East 3750 Boulder St. 925.846.9400 www.quarrylane.org

California Shakespeare Theater Summer Conservatory 4660 Harbord Dr. 510.809.3293 www.calshakes.org/v4/educ/ summer_conservatories.html

Oakland Summer ZooCamp 9777 Golf Links Rd. 510.632.9525 www.oaklandzoo.org

Lake Merritt Boating Center Youth Boating Camps 568 Bellevue Ave. 510.238.2196 www.sailoakland.com

Raskob Learning Institute 3520 Mountain Blvd.

510.436.1275 www.raskobinstitute.org

Kids N’ Dance 3840 Macarthur Blvd.

510.531.4400 www.kidsndance.com

Quarry Lane School - West 4444B Black Ave. 925.462.6300 www.quarrylane.org

ANTIOCH

www.ci.antioch.ca.us/Recreation

Four Stars Gymnastics Academy 1799 Vineyard Dr. 925.778.8650 www.fourstarsgym.com

CONCORD City of Concord Parks and Recreation 925.671.3404 www.cityofconcord.org/recreation/ summercamps

Camp Concord in South Lake Tahoe 1000 Mt. Tallac Trailhead Rd South Lake Tahoe 530.541.1203

Yang Fan Academy 4160 Hacienda Dr. St. 100 925.699.4664

www.ci.concord.ca.us/recreation/ camp

www.yfacademy.org

Backyard Explorers Corner of Babel Ln & Cowell Rd. 925.671.3118

City of Pleasanton Summer Programs 200 Old Bernal Ave. 925.931.3436

DANVILLE City of Danville Camps 420 Front St. 925.314.3400 www.danville.ca.gov/Recreation/ Camps

Vision Tech Camps 117 Town & Country Dr. St. B 925.699.9602 www.visiontechcamps.com

Athenian Summer Programs at Athenian School 2100 Mt. Diablo Scenic Blvd 925.837.5375 www.athenian.org

Color Bundles 301 Hartz Ave. #104 925.727.3137 www.colorbundles.com

Camp Brainy Bunch 741 Brookside Dr. 510.548.4800 www.campbrainybunch.com

Quest Therapeutic Camps Charlotte Wood Middle School 600 El Captain Dr. 925.743.2900 www.questcamps.com

www.cityofconcord.org/recreation/ summercamps/backyardexp.htm

www.ci.pleasanton.ca.us

Expressions Dance & Art 3015 Hopyard Rd. Ste. I 925.200.9908 www.expressions-dance-arts.com/

Young Ivy Academy 5460 Sunol Blvd (#3) 925.548.0188 www.youngivyacademy.com

Inspire Music Academy 2340 Santa Rita Rd. Ste. 7 925.461.3266 www.inspiremusicacademy.com

MARCH 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ SUMMER CAMP ]

Summer LAFAYETTE California Shakespeare Theater Summer Conservatory 1000 Upper Happy Valley Rd 510.809.3293 www.calshakes.org/v4/educ/ summer_conservatories.html

Sienna Ranch 3232 Deer Hill Rd. 925.283.6311 www.siennaranch.net

Sherman Swim School 1075 Carol Ln. 925.283.2100 www.shermanswim.com

Kids N’ Dance 3369 Mt. Diablo 925.284.7388 www.kidsndance.com

www.frenchforfun.com

Lafayette Tennis Club 3125 Camino Diablo 925.937.2582 www.lafayettetennis.com

Husky House for Kids 3855 Happy Valley Rd. 925.283.7100 www.huskyhouseforkids.org/ summer-camp-programs

Lafayette Community Center Camps 500 Saint Mary’s Rd. 925.284.2232 www.lafayetterec.org

Roughing It Day Camp 1010 Oak Hill Rd. 925.283.3795 www.roughingit.com

BandWorks Summer Camp 28 Orinda Way 925.254.2445

Camp ARF for Kids 2890 Mitchell Dr. 925.256.1273

www.bandworks.com/summer_ orinda.php

www.youth.arf.net

Orinda Academy 19 Altarinda Rd. 925.478.4504

Merriewood Children’s Center 561 Merriewood Dr. 925.284.2121

www.orindaacademy.org

www.merriewood.org

www.campdoodles.com

MARTINEZ

PLEASANT HILL

John Muir Mountain Day Camp John Muir National Historic Site 925.680.8807

City of Pleasant Hill Camps 147 Gregory Ln 925.682.0896

www.johnmuirassociation.org/ muircamp/index.php

French For Fun 3381 Mt. Diablo Blvd 925.283.9822

ORINDA

Rancho Saguaro 1050 Pereira Rd. 925.788.5200 www.ranchosaguaro.com

MORAGA Gaels Summer Camp 1928 St Mary’s Rd. 925.631.4FUN www.smcgaels.com

Camp Saklan 1678 School St. 925.376.7900 www.saklan.org/about-us/campsaklan

OAKLEY City of Oakley Parks and Recreation 3231 Main St. 925.625.7044 www.ci.oakley.ca.us

Diamond Hills Sports Club 1510 Neroly Rd. 925.420.4575 www.sparetimeclubs.com

26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MARCH 2022

Camp Doodle 66 St. Stephens Dr.

www.pleasanthillrec.com

PITTSBURG City of Pittsburg Parks and Recreation 300 Presido Ln. 925.252.4842 www.ci.pittsburg.ca.us

SAN RAMON City of San Ramon Camps 2226 Camino Ramon 925.973.2500 www.ci.san-ramon.ca.us

School of Rock San Ramon 460 Montgomery Street 925.415.3340 510.207.9281 bit.ly/SORsanramoncamps

Adventure Day Camp Dorris-Eaton School One Annabel Lane 925.937.6500 www.adventuredaycamp.com

WALNUT CREEK Adventure Day Camp Seven Hills School 975 North San Carlos Dr. 925.937.6500 www.adventuredaycamp.com

Castle Rock Arabians 1350 Castle Rock Rd. 925.933.3701 www.castlerockarabians.com

City of Walnut Creek Summer Camps 1666 North Main St. 925.943.5899 www.walnut-creek.org

COPA STC 2640 Shadelands Dr. Walnut Creek, CA 925.357.8999 www.copastc.com

Lindsay Wildlife Museum Summer Science Camp 1931 First Ave. 925.935.1978 www.wildlife-museum.org

Multiple Locations The Growing Room Academy Various locations around the Bay Offers: 3,4 and 5 Day Camps 925.837.4392 www.thegrowingroom.org

Camp Rocks: Girl Scouts of Northern California Offered at 5 locations: San Rafael (Camp Bothin), Santa Cruz (Skylark Ranch), San Jose (Camp Metro Day Camp), North Lake Tahoe (Deer Lake), and the Sierra Nevada Mountains (Sugar Pine) 800.447.4475 ext. 2091 www.camprocks.org

[ SUMMER CAMP ]

Camps Mad Science Camp Offered at several local Recreation sites and Community Centers 925.687.1900 www.mtdiablo.madscience.org

Steve and Kate’s Camp Danville, Dublin, Fremont, Oakland, Walnut Creek and Berkeley 415.389.5437 www.steveandkatescamp.com

Lango Language Summer Camps Serving Alamo, Blackhawk, Brentwood, Briones, Canyon, Clayton, Concord, Danville, Martinez, Moraga, Orinda, Pacheco, Pittsburg, Pleasant Hill, San Ramon, Walnut Creek and surrounding regions 888.445.2646 www.langokids.com/parent/kidslanguage-summer-camps

Camp Galileo Alameda, Alamo, Berkeley, San Ramon, Walnut Creek, Fremont, Oakland, Lafayette and Orinda 510.595.7293

Club Sport Fremont, San Ramon, Pleasanton and Walnut Creek 925.938.8700

www.galileo-learning.com

Camp Edmo Alameda, Fremont, and Oakland 415.282.6673

KinderCare Walnut Creek, Concord, Danville, Martinez and Clayton 888.523.6765 www.kindercare.com/ summercamp

Viva el Espanol!

Lafayette, Piedmont, Pleasanton & San Anselmo 925.962.9177 www.vivaelespanol.org/ summerprograms.php

www.clubsports.com

www.campedmo.org

Kids’ Carpentry Berkeley, Lafayette, Alameda, Oakland, Alamo & Walnut Creek 510.524.9232

Out of Area Golden Arrow Camps 644 Pollasky Avenue, Ste. 100 Clovis, 93612 800.554.CAMP www.goldarrowcamp.com

Coppercreek Camp 1887 Williams Valley Rd. Greenville, 95947 800.350.0006 www.coppercreek.com

Camp Unalayee 3921 East Bayshore Rd. Palo Alto 650.969.6313 www.unalayee-summer-camp.com

CYO Summer Camp 2136 Bohemian Hwy Occidental, 95465 707.874.0200 www.camp.cccyo.org

Mountain Camp Woodside 302 Portola Rd. Portola Valley 650.576.2267 www.mountaincampwoodside.com

www.kidscarpentry.com

TechKnowHow Kids Dublin, Berkeley, Fremont, Livermore, Oakland & Pleasanton 650.638.0500

Stratford School Summer Sports Camp & Enrichment Danville, Fremont, Los Gatos, Morgan Hill and Pleasanton 925.737.0001

www.techknowhowkids.com

www.stratfordschools.com

888.709.8324

SF Zoo Camp Sloat Blvd. & the Great Highway San Francisco 415.753.7080 www.sfzoo.org Almaden Equestrian Center 20100 Almaden Rd. San Jose 408.927.0232 www.almadenequestriancenter.net

Silver Creek Sportsplex 800 Embedded Way San Jose 408.224.8774 www.gotoplex.com

College For Kids 1700 W. Hillsdale Blvd.

San Mateo 650.574.6149 www.collegeforkids-smccd.com

School of Rock Summer Camp 711 South B St. San Mateo, San Jose & Palo Alto 650.347.3474 www.schoolofrock.com

Camp Tawonga 131 Steuart Ste. 460 San Francisco 415.543.2267 www.tawonga.org

Kennolyn Camps 8205 Glen Haven Rd. Soquel 831.479.6714 www.kennolyncamps.com

iD Tech Camp Moraga, Concord, Livermore, Berkeley and other Bay Area locations www.idtech.com

Sky hawk’s Sports Camp Various locations around the Bay Area 800.804.3509 www.skyhawks.com

MARCH 2022 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 27

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