TFRM NEWSLETTER The Father's Rights Movement Monthly
Importance of Father's Page 1 By John Youngman I Need An Agrressive Lawyer: Part One Page 3 By Lori Barkus America's Parentlessness Epidemic Page 4 Richard Thomas
Beginning in October Letter to the Editor email all letters to cdoran@tfrm.us Let us hear from you on Shared Parenting and Family Law Reform A Broken System: Electing Judicial Bias Page 7 Steve Krasner How to Succeed in the Parenting Plan Game Page 1 2 David T. Pisarra, Esq.
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The Importance of Father's in Todays Society Divorce and/or separation can cause many hurt feelings. Feelings that often lead to messy custody battles, battles that can lead to accusations, false allegations, and children being caught in the middle of brutal court battles. These battles often lead to children being separated from their fathers for excessively long periods of time, sometimes even years. There need not be any accusations of wrongdoing for a father to be brought into family court with only a few hours’ notice, and have his parental rights taken away, be told when and where he may see his children, and be ordered to start paying child support immediately. Our family court systems have to be able to filter through any accusations or claims, and indiscriminately determine what is in the best interest of the child. The child is the one that is often forgotten about when the decision is made to minimize a fathers time with that child. Fathers, like mothers, deserve to be treated fairly, and equally, when dealing with child custody issues.
According to Mike McCormick, the President of The American Coalition for Fathers and Children (ACFC), fathers get just two weekends a month and a couple of hours during the week in approximately 85% of custody cases. Some of these fathers may believe that this is adequate time with their children, but the vast majority question why they don’t get equal time to be a parent to their child. Over the years, the courts have chosen to side with mothers in the majority of custody cases. They are often given full, or majority, custody on the grounds that they are the “primary” caregiver. What is a caregiver? One could argue that it’s the parent that stays home with the child, while the other goes to work. The parent that goes to work is going to argue that they worked to be able to afford to raise the child. Each has a valid argument, but which is more important to the wellbeing and upbringing of the child? According to our courts, and society, the views of the mother are overwhelmingly more valid.
The proof of this is in the numbers. 37% of the children living in the United States are living with only their mother, or their mother and her new spouse, the majority of the time. Conversely, only 3.5% live in similar arrangements with their fathers according to Dr. Linda Nielsen (ACFC 2006). According to Dr. Nielsen, only 15-20% of the divorced parents in the US enter into a shared parenting agreement. While this would seem to be the most equitable, and healthiest, way to raise children post-divorce, it is still far less common than less equitable arrangements. Thankfully, there has been a small revolution growing over the last few years with a primary goal of shared parenting. Organizations such as ACFC, National Parents Organization, The Fathers' Rights Movement, and Americans for Equal Shared Parenting (and many more) have worked hard to inform the fathers, and society, of the benefits of shared parenting. Several states now have shared parenting language in their statutes. And, many more have legislation to promote shared parenting in the works. For many fathers, and their children, these are life changing decisions that will not only improve their lives, but also the lives of future generations. You may wonder why it is so important for a child to remain in close and constant contact with his or her father. When one considers that over 50% of first marriages, and 60% of second marriages end in divorce, and there are over 1.2 million divorced in this country each year this means that there will be almost 1 million children each year involved in custody cases (Baskerville, Stephen(Spring 2004) The Independent Review
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pg. 485-508). These children will have everything that they have ever known change over a short period of time. They are likely to witness and hear things about their parents that will go against their own life experience with each parent. It will be a very confusing time for the child, one that will affect him or her for the rest of their lives. The negative consequences for children growing up in singleparent led households will follow them into adulthood. Many children of divorce will carry scars that will affect the rest of their lives. These scars can turn into much larger problems with the absence of one parent, especially the father. Children of absent fathers are more likely to display emotional, sociological, and socioeconomic problems than are children with close relationships with their fathers according to Stephen Baskerville (Spring 2004) The Independent Review pg. 485-508). They are less likely to attend college and more likely to become single parents themselves (Nick and Einholf (2008). According to Dr. Neil Kaltner (Growing up With Divorce(1990), “The risks to healthy, wholesome child development that appears linked to divorce include an increased probability that the following problems will emerge: angry and aggressive behavior, sadness, low self-esteem, depression, impaired academic performance, and trouble with intimate relationships in adolescence and adulthood”. What does all of this mean? It means that children need their fathers. It means that the impact of children growing up without their fathers affects all of us, whether it is directly, or indirectly. The common myth associated with child
custody cases is that the mother is more capable of raising children. The fact is that a parent is a parent. Gender does not play a role in who is better suited to be a parent. Gender should not be a factor, if both parents are seems fit to raise a child. Fathers play a vital role in the emotional, physical, and economic stability in the life of a child. In fact, a child that grows up with an involved father is less likely to experience poverty (Nick and Einholf (2008). Research has shown that 66% of single mothers work less than full-time, while only 10.2% of single fathers work less than full-time. Of the single parents that work more than fulltime, only 7% of single mothers work over 44 hours a week, as compared to 24.5% of single fathers (Technical Analysis Paper No.42 (US Department of Health and Human Services) (1998). Fathers, like mothers, are parents, too. Fathers love, they teach, they work, and they deserve every opportunity to be an equal part of their children’s upbringing. “The biggest social problem in our society may be the growing absence of fathers from their children’s homes, because it contributes to so many other social problems” (President Bill Clinton (1995). Children deserve, and need, the love and nurturing of both parents. We, as a society, have come a long way in eliminating stereotypes and discrimination based on race, ethnicity, and gender.
John Youngman- TFRM East Reginal Manager Newsletter Header
I Need An Agressive Lawyer Part One: This is a common statement, especially on social media. Perhaps you’ve said it. In moments of fear when you believe your life is about to change drastically. When facing an angry or irrational spouse or co-parent whom you believe is out to take something or everything important from you, it’s easy to see why you may believe you need the most aggressive lawyer you can find. But let me tell you why you do not. Family law is the most emotionally charged arena. Marriages are ending, parents are separating and there are children, money or both in the balance. This can be one of the scariest moments of your life. When we’re afraid, we want to feel safe and protected. Facing courts, judges and a lawyer on the other side can bring about an overwhelming sense of fear. This reaction is natural- many of us have been there. But here’s what will likely happen if you go the path of “aggressive lawyer-up”. You’ll find a lawyer, and the message you will hear is, yes, be afraid. Be very, very afraid. This will cost lots of money, which you’ll probably want to pay in this moment because, when your very existence is threatened, you’d want to do anything to protect yourself. This aggressive lawyer will scare the other side, keep the bad stuff from happening and you will “win”. And so it begins. Lots of papers are filed. Large documents asking for what seems like thousands of things (many of which do not even pertain to you). Angry letters are sent. Motions are filed, some asking for things you do not even understand. Don’t worry, you are told. This is part of the process of protecting you. In a moment, the
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money you paid is gone and you need to come up with more. And more. Hello credit card debt, equity lines and borrowing from family and friends. What’s wrong with this picture? Aside from watching your bank accounts get drained or your debt go up, there is no plan in place. No strategy for where you are going and how you are going to get there. Just a lot of anger back and forth over things you don’t have or don’t need. Maybe your lawyer is good at this fight (many are). But where is this getting you? Are you any safer after spending tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars that you’ve earned or borrowed? What if I told you there is another way?
Lori Barkus Attorney in Florida Practicing law for nearly 20 years. She is an attorney, mediator and also collaboratively trained.
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AMERICA’S PARENTLESSNESS EPIDEMIC: WE HAVE A VOICE TO UNDO THE FOLDED LIE; LET’S USE IT!!! My first experiences as a nurse were in a variety of geriatric care facilities in the Chicago area. Nursing patients in the clinical throes of dying was a challenging, moving, life-altering period of my career. And most heart-wrenching were the bedridden patients who were dying alone. I would leave work every day in a somber mood, constantly reassessing my own life. During that same period, I was reading the poignant bestseller Tuesdays with Morrie. It’s about a young man who visits Morrie, his former professor, who is dying. In the movie version, Morrie quotes the poet W.H. Auden: “All I have is a voice to undo the folded lie . . . We must love one another or die.” Little did I know at that time in my life that the death of one particular patient of mine would result in the convergence of fiction and my life and would galvanize me towards one of my life’s purposes. Just one particular death provided me important lessons about life, death, purpose, meaning, love, reconciliation, and inspired me to lifelong advocacy. This story begins when a 60-year-old man began visiting his father in the geriatric care center I was working at. I quickly noticed that this son visited his father more frequently than most sons visited their fathers. The father, in his 80s, had slipped into unconsciousness a month prior to his passing, never to emerge. But the son would still come just to have one-way conversations with his father. Through observation and through several passing conversations I discovered that the son was trying to make up for the troubled relationship he had with his father. When his father finally passed, I found the understandably distraught son in the hallway, lamenting that he had not done more to mend the relationship. Through our prior conversations, I had some insight into this man’s particular perspective on life. The only consolation and comfort I could muster at that heavy moment was to paraphrase a
quote often attributed to Dr. Seuss: “Try not to be just sad because your father’s life has passed, try to be happy because his life happened.” They seemed to be just the right words at just the right time. For the next six months or so, the son would stop by from time to time and drop off treats of appreciation at our nursing station. He would also give us the latest updates on his investigation into the life of his deceased father, who would have died alone if the son had not sought his whereabouts. Up to this point, I would have said that the moral of the story is do whatever it takes to reconcile your differences with your parents because end-oflife issues descend on each life sooner than anyone expects. Cast off foolish pride, old feuds, phony resentments, past differences and stop wasting the precious gift of life. Release is peace. The “rest of the story,” as the late Paul Harvey would say, was nothing short of disturbing and propelled me towards a lifetime of advocacy. You see, the above tragedy was much worse than I had imagined, and it didn’t have to happen. In further conversations with the son, he told me how he had resented his father his whole life because his mother, a self-described strong and independent woman, had taught him that his father abandoned him when he was just a young boy. It wasn’t until he was going through his recently deceased mother’s estate that the son found many legal documents and personal letters written by his father. They told quite a different story. His father was not the bad guy. The son was robbed of a good, lifelong relationship with his father because his mom had driven his father away and judges enabled her all along the way. The son embarked on a quest to find his good father, only to find him in his last months at our care center. Many years have passed since my conversations with the son and ever since those conversations, I began researching family law
myself and I was shocked by how many family law judges make children almost fatherless on a daily basis for no real reason. Many, if not most, judges have a staggeringly cookie cutter approach to fathers’ visitation. There are 168 hours in each week and most divorced fathers (and some mothers) are reduced to a mere 4 hours a week and every other weekend with their children. Once a judge has determined that BOTH parents are good and fit, the BEST interests of EVERY CHILD would be that courts enforce an even-bonding opportunity with BOTH parents and families over the entire 18 years of child development. The greatest generator of fatherlessness in this country is the last 5 decades of our government policy, especially family law. Nationally, the Washington Post reported that in 2017, more than 20 states considered laws to FINALLY require shared parenting (link below). In my home state of Illinois, the Chicago Tribune recently reported that, “Illinois ranks in the bottom five states for the amount of custody time dads get to spend with their kids” (link below). We are diligently working on legislative remedy. Illinois House Bill 4113, a parenting equality bill, is a quantum leap forward toward a remedy for court-created inequality (link below). HB 4113 would create a rebuttable presumption that equal parenting time is in the best interests of children. Any deviation from a child’s constitutional right to 50/50 parenting would have to be justified in writing in the judge’s decision. Vested interest groups, like the Illinois State Bar Association, are consistently on record as vehemently opposed to all legislative attempts to increase parenting time. The ISBA favors the “winner takes all” model which reduces children to lucrative pawns and maximizes conflict cash. The fate of our children is now in your hands. Silence in a democracy is consent, so please call your representatives TODAY and urge them to spearhead shared parenting legislation like Illinois HB 4113. Representatives don’t expect you to be a bill expert. They just need the phone calls urging them to support shared parenting because government-created parentlessness is killing our nation at all socioeconomic levels. Among the many organizations supporting Illinois HB 4113 are Leading Women for Shared Parenting, Women of Illinois for Fathers’ Equality, Illinois Fathers for Equality and the Fathers’ Rights Movement. Please consider joining and supporting these heroic civil rights organizations. Now it is your turn to use your voice “to undo the folded lie.” And there are so many lies to expose and oppose: THE LIE that family courts are doing the best they can and that they self-correct. Family law courts oppose sunshine laws and the judicial system routinely writes its own report card - void of any real independent examination. Family courts almost never pursue the endless perjury that is pervasive in family law courts. THE LIE that family court outcomes are achieving the best interests of children. Barring EVIDENCE of exigent circumstances, 50/50 shared parenting should be the rebuttable starting point in EVERY family case. The opposition to family law reform has NEVER provided ANY outcomes data evidence that court results are successfully serving the best interests of America’s children. Furthermore, the opposition to 50/50 parenting DEMANDS peer reviewed longitudinal studies proving that equal parenting time is what is best for children. This is an absurd demand given the fact that courts have ordered extreme, gender-based inequality from the beginning of our nation. That’s like the KKK and the White Citizens’ Council demanding Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. provide studies supporting equality before supporting equality legislation for Americans of African descent. The government should have to provide REAL EVIDENCE to justify reducing your time with YOUR kids. THE LIE that we should fear parental equality instead of embracing it. Equality has ALWAYS been complicated, but in America, we eventually embrace those complications, realizing that the worst source of complication is perpetual inequality. Within the next few decades, today’s family court outcomes will be viewed as repugnant as the segregated water fountains of the Jim Crow era.
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THE LIE that family courts have the best vantage point to determine what is best for YOUR children. The destiny of our children and family relationships is too important to leave to strangers in ill-equipped courts in an adversarial arena, especially because it takes an endless supply of big money to have representation in court. THE LIE that family law judicial discretion is within an acceptable, constitutional range. Family law is riddled with unconstitutional “elastic clauses” and executed in wildly inconsistent ways in strikingly similar circumstances. Thomas Jefferson thoroughly warned us that judges, if allowed to be the ultimate arbiters of all constitutional questions, would place us under the despotism of an oligarchy. THE LIE that family courts are bona fide experts in psychology, social science, psychiatry, healthcare, family dynamics and all that should go into family court outcomes. Courts routinely practice medicine without a license. THE LIE bar associations keep selling us: that lawyer greed has NO IMPACT on family court outcomes. No matter how much cash you endlessly shovel into the family law system, the system wants more. And you will keep paying if you want a chance at seeing your children. As soon as one party runs out of all available assets and liens on property are maxed out and credit is maxed out, the case mysteriously comes to a conclusion or a motion to withdraw is filed. And then they want payments for bankruptcy proceedings. Tragically, as soon as you step out of the chapel beautifully intoxicated with wedding bliss, you become the divorce industry’s pre-inventory. If you believe that greed has zero impact on family law, then you must also believe that Chicago’s Al Capone was ONLY guilty of tax evasion. If you think my words are too harsh, then you are not paying attention to the realities of family court. You’ve never been systematically lynched by family law courts for no real reason. There ARE some good people in family law, but they are few and far between. I have seen only a couple good attorneys down at our capitol fighting for progressive reform. Finally, as a nurse, a loving father, and fellow human being on this planet, dying alone is one of the greatest social crimes I have ever witnessed. It happens way more than you think. It is so preventable. So unnecessary. It weighs heavily on many health care professionals. Please do not allow anyone you know to die alone. Tragically, we have allowed the family courts overreach into our lives and into our troubled relationships. Doing your utmost to avoid family law courts until we can sufficiently reform them is the best advice I can give. Mend your relationships if at all possible, because children spell love T-I-M-E. And just like the above-mentioned son who will forever lament a lost relationship with his good father, you can’t get back the precious time and joy that family courts unjustly rob from you. Please do not let your sacred voice go unheard. BE the change you wish to see in the world. And let change begin with me.
Richard Thomas-member of the board of directors for Illinois Fathers for Equality Richard Thomas welcomes all feedback at NurseRichardThomas@gmail.com
A Broken System: Electing Judical Bias
Impartiality under the law portrays this idea to most people that they can expect their rights to be afforded equally and fairly before a tribunal within our judicial system—or at least take solace that upon having representation, usually in the form of an attorney, allows for a guarantor to safeguard this notion. These ideas are the underpinnings of those civil rights and liberties we have come to cherish that are found within the confines of the United States Constitution—but often absent for many parents forced to contend with the many competing interests playing out in family law environments.
Wars of Custody Speaking with parents embroiled in contentious divorce and custody cases in Travis County, Texas—is to uncover a microcosm of the dysfunction and unethical practices transpiring nationally in this area of law. Kelly Jones is a parent who not only has had to endure the demands of going through a divorce and custody case—but has done so with the added element of the media’s spotlight covering each development as it plays out in the courts. Her ex-spouse is Alex Jones, who is known for his infamous “InfoWars” media outlet—providing a forum for his bellicose and peddling of propaganda and conspiracy theories. In an article that was published in the spring of 2017 the attorney for Mr. Jones, Randall Wilhite, brought focus on Kelly’s skepticisms of the players involved in her case during his cross-examination in saying, “They were all swayed by him (Alex Jones), they’re all wrong, they’re all corrupt, and they’re all biased” Perhaps this attorney was trying to make such comments in a manner as to discredit the notion that corruption and bias could be present in these types of cases—it would behoove him to scrutinize his own campaign contributions to better understand why someone might be concerned. Examining contribution data made by many of the players in these courts, available at the website for the Texas Ethics Commission, a picture starts to emerge showing ripe conditions that could allow for things like bias to flourish.
the website for the Texas Ethics Commission, a picture starts to emerge showing ripe conditions that could allow for things like bias to flourish. Bias within Numbers What is bias? It is defined as prejudice or inclination for or against a group or individual in a manner that is considered unfair. Keeping that definition in mind while taking in the totality of situations that play out in and around a family court environment—indicators come to light that signal the potential for influence between a lawyer and a judge. A type of influence that may exist at either the most overt or subtle levels—that could very well impact a court’s decision-making process especially when reliant upon judicial discretion. W h a t f a c t o rs m i g h t b e a t p l a y t h a t c o u l d i n f l u e n c e t h i s t y p e o f j u d i c i a l p o w e r? Well, one constant variable that seems to have a strong allure over players in the family law industry is money. Perhaps if we follow the money it may provide evidence of financial trails, connections between players, possible pay-to-play schemes and of course influence—the type that translates into bias coming from the bench! C ons i d e r t he f ol l ow i ng : (1)
A judge that relies on winning elections to stay on the bench and earn a living.
(2) A lawyer representing clients whereby they are reliant upon achieving good results to generate steady business while finding favorable sets of circumstances to accommodate ample billable hours—frequently practices before this judge. Now add on the following: (3) The judge presides over two attorneys making requests of the court via motion practice playing out—one of them has given approximately $17,000 to this one judge’s campaign over the past few years while the other hasn’t given a dime. (4) The judge presides over a case where a situation presents itself that calls upon the judge to use discretion and make a decision that would leave one attorney in a more advantageous position than the other—any guess as to which direction the judge’s discretion might take them? Reviewing campaign contributions made by Mr. Wilhite, and his firm, over the past 15 years the following numbers can be charted out and categorized showing the significant portion contributed to judges.
While the amount of money may seem like a lot, the lawyers making these contributions stand to see large returns on their investment if business stays good—considering that many of them in that area of Texas are billing clients at rates of $400-$500 an hour in most cases. Another attorney in the region that has a reputation, according to many, of getting
overwhelmingly favorable results for clients has invested a lot of money into judicial campaigns over the years—but also among political action committees and other state races. It’s important to note that many of these political action committees work to promote and give money towards efforts that help keep those with similar political philosophies and views in office—including campaigns of a judicial nature. One has to wonder how much value the judges in these courts place on the canons found within the Texas Code of Judicial Conduct, especially as it pertains to things like the appearance of impropriety. Thus with so much money infused by these types of attorneys into the courthouses overseeing custody and divorce cases—one has to wonder how much of the outcomes these lawyers get are based on skill set and savvy—or the acquiring of influence via money contributed.
“STUDIES SHOW THAT ROUGHLY 70 PERCENT OF THE PUBLIC BELIEVE JUDGES ARE INFLUENCED BY CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS, AND MORE THAN ONE QUARTER OF JUDGES AGREE. THIS IS ALARMING BECAUSE THE LEGITIMACY OF THE JUDICIARY RESTS ENTIRELY ON ITS PROMISE TO BE FAIR AND IMPARTIAL. A JUDGE'S SOLE CONSTITUENCY SHOULD BE THE LAW. IF THE PUBLIC LOSES FAITH IN THAT IMPARTIALITY, THEN THERE IS NO REASON TO PREFER THE JUDGE'S INTERPRETATION OF THE LAW TO THE OPINIONS OF THE REAL POLITICIANS REPRESENTING THE ELECTORATE.” SANDRA DAY O'CONNOR U.S. SUPREME COURT JUSTICE Cost of Forced Services Often cases involving divorce and custody involve the infusion of outside services—that so very often tend to be unhelpful and sometimes can cause more harm than good. Yet in an industry that pulls in around $50 billion dollars annually third party professionals can find streams of revenue flowing out of family courts.
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Similar to most places, the services ordered by the judges in Travis County often force parents to attend counseling for themselves and their children during the course of these ordeals—with a price tag and level of professional involvement that seems to increase in conjunction with the perceived net worth of those parties involved in the matter. Discussing the numbers from her experience in dealing with these outside services, Kelly explained that at times she was paying multiple providers—and described the formation of a “therapeutic team” as directed by the court that consisted of at least 10 professionals including a family therapist, a therapist for her son, one for her two daughters and one to oversee the entire process. The bill of costs for such services not only included the sessions that were transpiring—but the internal meetings these professionals were having among themselves. Breaking it down further, Kelly described a timeframe where payments were being made to a entity that oversaw supervised visits between her and the children—where the costs were to the tune of $350 per visit. Sometimes these visits were staggered at different times of the week with the three children—forcing payments to double and sometimes triple.
“< i n two ye a rs I wa s ord e re d to p a rti ci p a te i n a p p roxi m a te l y 8 0 0 h ou rs of th e ra p y re l a te d se rvi ce s—costi n g b e twe e n $ 2 0 0 a n d $ 3 0 0 th ou sa n d d ol l a rs wh e n a l l wa s sa i d a n d d on e . ” —KELLY JONES Creating Problems and Selling False Solutions Dawn Balli is no stranger to the Travis County court system. Her situation is both tragic and one that is the direct result of the adversarial environment created by those profiting off the misfortune of people in these so called “family” court systems. Dawn has not seen her daughter in two years now—a result of having been subjected to 8 court filings for modification in her post-divorce phase that has now languished in the Travis County courts for some 13 years. Dawn’s situation in Travis County is indicative of family court systems nationwide—whereby they are often the source of the problem and not the stewards of salvation. “Victim parents become what the pit bull attorney says they are to the eyes of the court—when repeatedly put on the record that way with the court—resulting in the horrible truth of the matter, which finds parents and children being destroyed as a result of litigation. Most of us did not enter this adversarial environment damaged—but rather walked away from it that way as a result.” —DAWN BALLI On August 14th, 2018 a number of parents testified before the Judiciary and Civil Jurisprudence Committee of the Texas House of Representatives bringing voice to many of the problems found in Travis County—and elsewhere. Dawn Balli’s testimony can be found at the 1:03 mark and Kelly Jones at 1:45 in the following video: http://tlchouse.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=40&clip_id=15344 When good and decent parents spend extended periods of time in courts that allow for continual campaigns of gaslighting a mother or father—ultimately it will harm and even obstruct the bonds between a parent and child.
People who are unfamiliar with the realities of what plays out with parents and children embroiled in the conflicts of family law would be well served to become familiarâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;especially as it pertains to the underbelly of the divorce and custody industry that often puts its own interest before that of the publics. This article was originally published with The Good Men Project and is republished here with the authorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s permission.
Article by Steve Krasner
Letter to the Editor: Coming Soon to TFRM Newsletter. Submitted letters are to be sent to cdoran@tfrm.us with the subject line listing Letter to the Editor. Not all letters will be published and we ask that you do not use any names in any ongoing cases.
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H O W TO S U CCE E D I N TH E PARE N TI N G P LAN G AM E Family law is fought in two ways: 1) the Silver Bullet method – you’re taken out at the knees in one fell swoop and now you’re fighting an uphill battle with almost no resources, and a judge who thinks the worst of you, or 2) the “voluntary” method, where you left the family home because you couldn’t take the pain anymore. In either case, you want to see your kids, but you’ve already made choices that are impacting your ability to do that. This column will give you some concrete things to consider before you go making requests that the judge (and mom!) will think are unreasonable. The first thing to consider is this: What is TRULY in the best interest of the children? Think long and hard about what they need, not what you want or what mom wants, but for them to get through this breakup with as little damage as possible. It’s not about your ego, it’s about their development and how you demonstrate to them what a sane rational person does in a breakup. I’ve been practicing for 19 years and the most common demand from my clients is they want “their 50% of custody.” First off, the children are not some inanimate object that you and mom “own” and can divide. The reality is they are individuals with their own needs, wants and desires – take those into consideration when you are thinking about a parenting plan. It demonstrates to the judge, if not mom, that you are thinking beyond yourself and will arm you with good information when the allegations start to fly about you being selfish, (and they will!). Thinking about the children’s needs, wants and desires will inform how you craft a parenting plan for them. For example, a young child say under 10, has a greater need for some consistency than a 15 year old who is chomping at the bit to get out from under mom and dad’s thumb. Consistency doesn’t mean they have to always live in the same place, but the pattern and schedule should be consistent. Every other week or a 2/2/3 schedule is one that many children can adapt to easily. But if you have a child who has some degree of autism, they may not handle that much disruption in their schedule. If you have a budding athlete and they have to be at school every morning at 6:00 a.m. for early practice, and your schedule won’t accommodate that, then you shouldn’t be asking for “your 50%” during the school year. When you moved out, if you rented a new place that is 50 miles away from where the children go to school – don’t be asking for “your 50%” because no judge in their right mind is going to have a child commuting that far each day. Remember the children have a life as well; they have friends, school activities, athletics, theater, band, or any of a number of other things they want to be doing and need to be close to their social network The other huge issue that I run into time and time again is a parent who is not taking the time they should with their children and then asking for more. If you have a parenting plan in place – be sure to use all the time you already have. You have to document it with a calendar, pictures, video, receipts because sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, you’ll be accused of not using your time, and if you can’t prove that you did, the court is likely to default to believing mom.
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Now, I know the next thing I’m going to hear is, “she won’t let me see the kids and then blames me for not being there.” Yup, it happens all the time. Your job is to document that she won’t let you see the kids and that you’ve been asking for some parenting time. Emails, texts, letters, videos keep them all. I can’t tell you how many men have come to me to say ‘she won’t let me see my kids’ and when I ask to see the texts I’m told, “I deleted them.” Don’t do that. Take pictures of them and then delete them if you don’t want to see them, but you have to keep a record, because trust me, she is. Lastly, the hardest part of all is to be persistent. Let’s face it; you can handle physical pain all day long. You’ve been told since you were a baby to “shake it off” “walk it off” and the over popular “sack up.” As a father you have almost zero ability to handle emotional pain. You don’t know how to describe the feelings you have beyond, “I’m hurting” and probably have no close friends to open up to since you focused solely on her and the kids for the past few years, abandoning what few friends you did have. It’s no longer time to “sack up” – it’s time to cry, talk, yell, go running, take up boxing and then go eat a triple cheeseburger, have a chocolate shake (with or without some alcohol included – your choice) and most importantly renew those old friendships and don’t ever give them up again for anyone. This battle is long, slow, painful, and the battlefield is totally foreign to men – its emotions, its words, it’s a long game of emotional chess. You have to keep coming back to court, each time making progress on what you need to do to show the judge why you have positioned yourself to be a fully engaged parent. As a father you will have no more permanent relationship than that of your children. Spouses come and go, you’ll probably outlive your parents, some of your siblings, and scads of your friends will fade away over time. But your children will always be your children – you have to stick it out for them, no matter how hard it is, how painful it gets, learn to play the emotional chess game and you can survive and win.
By David T. Pisarra, Esq. www.MensFamilyLaw.com
Issue 1
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