April 4, 2014

APRil fool’s edition

THE DOWNHILL NEWS e s t a b l i s h e d i n 1 9 1 1 at s t . l aw r e n c e u n i v e r s i t y TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014

St. Lawrence Declares Dry Campus

SECURITY BLOTTER April 1, 1:07 am Student reported naked on 78 Park St. sidewalk, claimed to be bathing in a puddle April 1, 5:54 am Medical call, Pub Cookie-related, student transported to CPH April 1, 7:11 am Fire in Sullivan Student Center, espresso machine overworked April 1, 8:42 am Party at the townhouses, 3 million estimated in attendance April 1, 9:59 am Dana Dining Center sells out of food, subsequent student revolts ensue April 1, 10:28 am Fire alarm activated in all campus buildings, has yet to stop beeping April 1, 11:01 am Students charged with overage juice drinking April 1, 11:39 am Vehicle charged with speeding down Romoda Drive, recorded at 568 MPH April 1, 12:30 pm Medical call, poisoning incident reported in association with a Sergi’s Pizza delivery April 1, 1:42 pm Six Women’s Resource Center residents charged with sexual harassment for incident in Northstar Café.

The house has since been placed on social probation.

April 1, 2:12 pm Students cited for having fun April 1, 2:50 pm Entire frisbee team charged with weapons violation, reported playing with throwing stars in stead of disc April 1, 3:31 pm Thelmo mutiny leads to medical transport to CPH April 1, 4:22 pm Sullivan Student Center office 237 egged and TPed April 1, 6:66 pm Horse and buggy collision on Park St., horse transported to CPH April 1, 10:22 pm Stolen objects recovered from 58 Park St., returned to nearby theme houses April 1, 11:04 pm Fire safety violation at Java Barn, too much smoke reported April 11:31 pm Drug violation in Hullett Hall, student caught ingesting a Tylenol tablet April 1, 11:59 pm Flood of alcohol at 50 Miner St. causes structural damages to house

Contents: Opinions, Man Not Really News Olds Farts ‘n’ Crafts Other Stuff

VOLUME CXXVIII, ISSUE 8.1

pg. 2 pg. 4 pg. 9 pg. 10 pg. 11

By KAREN BLAKELOCK STAFF WRITER St. Lawrence has a drinking problem—and this time it’s more than just bottled water. At the Board of Trustees meetings that took place this past February, Richard Vernon, Co-Dean of Student Life, voiced his concern about the drinking habits of the SLU student body. “Our students have a problem,” he said, “and for many of them, it’s illegal. It’s time we start acting as our mascot says we do.”

Starting next year, the school will begin taking the concept of “saints” more seriously. SLU will market itself to prospective students as a dry campus and will utilize the fact that the vast majority of human life on Planet Earth already thinks SLU is a religiously affiliated institution.

Assistant Director of Admissions, Jeffrey Jones, feels that this is a good thing for SLU. AMANDA BROOKS/LADY WITH A CAMERA

Angry students took to the new residence hall with graffitied protests against the new zero-alcohol policy.

SEE PROHIBITION, PAGE 4

Tick Tock Repurposed As Daycare Center

By GRACE BODKIN STAFF WRITER This past semester, a SLU favorite has closed its doors with little information as to how long it will be closed or why. The closing of the Tick Tock has left students lost, hurt and in search of the next Saturday night destination.

Fortunately, that arduous wait is over. The Tick Tock has officially announced that it’s opening its doors again, but this time as a daycare center.

“Little needs to be changed about the pristine environment in order to welcome the fiveand-under crowd,” the owners revealed in a press release last Friday. Amy Cameron, former manager of the Tick Tock,

described the change as a “slight transition, but nothing drastic.” Citing the variety of common traits between college kids and little ones including a tendency to spill things, become overemotional, accidentally relieve themselves and occasionally act a little destructive. Cameron noted, “We’re excited to pursue this endeavor, a daycare is exactly what Canton needs.”

The word has slowly been moving around campus, and students are getting excited to repay all those sweaty hours with a different kind of grind: community service. A notice is set to be released, encouraging students to welcome a new SEE BABIES, PAGE 9

weekend weather

today

-38 -62

ALSO AMANDA BROOKS/POSSESSOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY EQUIPMENT

Young children are now a frequent sight in the road outside of the Tick Tock, which is undergoing extensive renovations to become a daycare resource for working parents in the Canton and Potsdam area.

saturday sunday

95 2

π 0

In This Issue: Changing lanes without signaling, page 2 Putin comes out of the closet, page 4 Real (!) news, pages 5-8 (no, seriously) Starving artist spotlight, page 10 Crew to become a distribution requirement, page 12

MOSTLY INNUENDOS

2 | THE HILL NEWS

THE HILL NEWS St. Lawrence University, Canton, New York 13617 • hillnews@stlawu.edu • (315) 229-5139

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Ye MANAGING EDITORS Tits McGee ‘14 Tila Tequila ‘14 EDITOR-AT-LARGE Huggies ‘14

OPINIONS Russell “Danger” King ‘14 Schmemily Liebelt ‘16

BUSINESS Haley ‘14 Baby Haley ‘16

FEATURES Ted Bundy ‘15 Newbie ‘17

ADVERTISING Other Baby Haley ‘17 CHIEF COPY EDITOR Hannah Kinsey Drugs ‘14

SPORTS Napoleon Bonaparte ‘15

NEWS Louis CK ‘16 George Lucas ‘16

PHOTOGRAPHY Garth Brooks ‘17

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT Nat King Cole ‘15

DISTRIBUTION Henry Ford ‘14

COPY EDITORS Alex Sadwin ‘14 Emily Rebehnderweek ‘14 Micro Brew ‘14 Emily Harripotterngton ‘16 Anna Cummings-Krueger ‘18

EDITORIAL POLICY

LETTER SUBMISSIONS

The Hill News is published every Friday of the school year, except during holidays and examination periods, by the students of St. Lawrence University, Canton, NY 13617.

Unsolicited manuscripts, articles, and letters to the editor must be typed and signed. Copy and advertisement deadlines are 12:00 p.m. on the Monday prior to publication. All materials submitted for publication are the property of The Hill News and are subject to revision.

The Hill News office is located on the third floor of the Student Center; our telephone number is (315) 229-5139.

We have the ability to receive e-mails at hillnews@stlawu. edu. The comments and opinions of our readers are welcome.

Letters may be no more than 500 words in length. All letters must be typed, signed by the author, and include the author’s full name and telephone number. The name of the author may be withheld only for compelling reasons, and after discussion with the editorial board. The Hill News reserves the right to edit letters for space, clarity, style, and taste. The printing or omission of letters is entirely at the discretion of the editors and The Hill News. Any letter received after deadline will not be considered for publication in that week’s issue.

All copy, advertisements, letters to the editor, etc., must be submitted as hard copy or e-mail by the above listed deadlines unless other arrangements have previously been made. This policy is strictly enforced.

The opinions expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the newspaper, the staff, or St. Lawrence University.

COPYRIGHT 2014 — VOLUME CXXVIII, ISSUE 8.1 APRIL FOOLS EDITION

No Spitting: Humor

By LUKE MATYS ‘15 COLUMNIST

in guys?” were witty and a good sense of humor. A Wikihow titled “24 Steps to Make Friends,” Dictionary.com defines hu- describes having a sense of humor as “a comic, absurd, or mor as a positive trait and to incongruous quality causing quote directly: “people love to amusement.” Comic is defined be around someone who makes by the same online dictionary them laugh.” Humor is an atas “of, pertaining to, or charac- tractive trait to have in most terized by comedy.” This online settings. source says that comedy is synWe value the humor so much onymous with the term jesting, that we have a day to celebrate pleasantry, and banter. If re- it indirectly: April Fools’ Day. ceived well by the audience, the According to Wikipedia April stimulus of the Fools’ Day is Did you know that “an informal humor can be met with what penguins don’t have holiday celwe value as knees?

That would ebrated every positive reacyear on April explain their adorable 1 . P o p u l a r tions ranging from smiles waddle. Imagine if they since medieval and chuckles did have knees. Imagine times, the day to laughter and if WE didn’t have knees! is not a nasnorting. Our tional holiday Wild... culture seems in any counto value the concept of humor. try, but it is widely recognized As a society, we have things throughout European cultures like situational comedies to en- and celebrated as a day when tertain us on television, mov- people play practical jokes and ies that are aimed to tickle our hoaxes on each other, called “funny bone,” and books that April fools. Hoax stories are are aimed to get us to laugh. also often found in the press The trait of being funny is an and media on this day.” A attractive quality when people prank is defined as a practical are considering relationships. joke or mischievous act aimed The trait of being funny is tran- at achieving humor for at least scendently attractive in several one party involved in the acdifferent types of relationships tion. Examples of pranks inranging from professional to clude, but are not limited to, friendships to more intimate, putting shaving cream on anpersonal, and sexual relation- other person’s hand and makships. I am basing this data ing the person touch their face, from popular internet sources, putting a sleeping person’s hand such as Wikihow and Yahoo in warm water stimulating the Answers, because I feel they action of urination in that indimore accurately show the views vidual, and putting a bucket of of the common person in this water on the top of a door in a society. After my most recent way that will soak the next perGoogle search of “what do girls son who opens the door. like in a guy” and “why don’t I Merriam-Webster dictionhave friends,” I have confirmed ary defines irony as “a situathat the average person finds tion that is strange or funny the trait of humor appealing. because things happen in a way To reference Yahoo Answers that seems to be the opposite of specifically, the top answers to what you expected.” the question, “What do girls like No Spitting.

APRIL 1, 2014

Op-ed: Should Drivers Change Lanes Without Signaling?

Against Signaling

For Signaling

By RUSSELL KING ‘14 WORDSMITH

By EMILY LIEBELT ‘14 LADY WORDSMITH

Some days when I am driving my 18-wheeler I glance over at the other lane. When a heavy rain makes the road slick I signal and drive into it. Yes, the other lane is somewhat narrow and, at times, has traffic going in the other direction, but so what?

It is not as if there is anything wrong with the usual lane, it’s just that I like a change of pace every now and then. Who doesn’t? However, I’m not here to argue the obvious. Rather, I’m here to argue that one need not always signal before slipping into the other lane. This is quite the contentious issue – if I had a dollar for every time I’ve been donkeykicked for not signaling, I’d have a part time job.

Yet the benefits of sometimes sneaking into the other lane are endless.

The foundational principle on which my argument rests is a maxim my father always told me: “Russell, it is better to ask forgiveness than permission.” While this was generally applied to trespassing and fireworks, it certainly applies to the rules of the road. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t swerve around haphazardly, dipping in and out of lanes on a whim. I drive an 18-wheeler, after all.

I could destroy something. When the moment is right I’ll slide right into the adjacent lane without any warning. If I’m not supposed to be there, I get scolded, kicked, head back over to the original lane, apologize, and continue on driving. If all is well, well, all is well. Everyone is happy, particularly me.

Furthermore, what of spontaneity? Does it not get boring doing the same ritual over and over?

Signal, merge. Signal, merge. Signal, merge. Do presents not lose their appeal if you know what’s in them? Is a movie not dull if you know exactly what is to happen? The same goes for driving.

Sometimes whimsy can save us from monotony. It is the unexpected that makes it all worth it, makes it exciting! So don’t be too surprised to find a Mack Truck in the other lane, but still be surprised.

Sometimes, it’s an accident. Really. When it is dark or I’m driving too fast, all of a sudden I’ll notice that I’m not where I used to be. Isn’t this the best kind of accident, though? Like the Spanish Inquisition, no one expects it! If one surprise is good, two are great. Accidents happen so I might as well make the best of it.

While I always make sure I’m allowed to be driving in any of the lanes before I start driving – and I usually signal before changing lanes – I occasionally take the risk and slide into the other lane. After all, what place is there for spontaneity, experimentation, and adventure otherwise?

I think it’s about time someone addresses the far too common problem of changing lanes without signaling. Approximately 1 in 5 Americans find themselves at the receiving end of an unexpected lane change at least once in their life. Just reading about it is enough to make even experienced motorists cringe.

Changing lanes is a widely accepted practice and can make for a pleasurable driving experience for all consenting parties. But doing so without first alerting your fellow driver should not be tolerated. What ever happened to safety first?

In my experience, accommodating a vehicle attempting to switch lanes is easy enough, at least when you’re prepared. After a nice rain, it can be a comfortable and enjoyable change in pace for your daily commute. You might even get used to it and prefer that vehicles switch lanes more often. I should say, however, that I can’t help donkey kicking anyone who tries it without using their blinkers. Some people may try to pass this off as road rage while others agree that such a violent reaction is reasonable. I see it as a reaction to unexpected activity in an area not designated for oncoming traffic. Not signaling will most likely result in a horrific collision. No one wants to clean up that mess. We must also consider accidental lane changes. Honestly, would someone be driving an 18-wheeler fast enough to merit a lane switch? No, they would not.

Furthermore, we should distinguish between accidental lane changes and those that come without warning. Nobody should get too offended if a car on the road casually drifts into the other lane, as long as the action is quickly corrected and no damage was done. Yes, while we should try to avoid accidental lane switching, forgiveness should be given to those with an understandable excuse. Maybe the visibility was low, or he is an inexperienced driver and don’t know how to signal properly. However, someone who tries to cover up intentional lane switching by making things up should be ashamed. It is far too easy to tell when someone was aiming for the other lane, or if they just accidentally merged into it.

The debate over switching lanes without signaling is really a matter of respect for other drivers. We need to realize that not everyone on the road has the same feelings about spontaneous lane changing, so do us all a favor and let us know what you’re about to do. Your fellow motorist should given every right to chastise non-signaling lane changers or revoke driving privileges altogether. If you still decide to do it, just to see what happens, you’re probably going to regret that decision. The outcome will most certainly be painful, for both you and the other driver.

PHOTO PROVIDED BY WWW.AAROADS.COM

Two Holes in the Side of a Mountain. Drive Carefully.

APRIL 1, 2014

LIKE, OPINIONS, Man

Sweeping Registration Reform Flawed

Saint: Spin the Bottle with Saint: Writing thank-you cards friends.

to alumni.

Saint:

Embracing Laurentianfor-Life Week. Who doesn’t love free stickers, pizza, and t-shirts?

Purgatory: Still Spinning Purgatory: Asking for jobs Purgatory: Capitalizing on the Bottle three hours later.

inside thank-you notes to alumni instead of actual thank-yous.

#L4LWeek to spread your illinformed rant all over campus.

Sinner: Making out with

Sinner:

Sinner: Fighting back against

By ADAM SWAYZE ‘15 GUEST WRITER, ALBINO

flaw is in the system itself and that it was clearly rushed and never tested properly.

Within minutes of the historic APR 2.0 detractors have said for launch of APR 2.0, many students weeks that there are underlying costs of all socio-economic background to the new system, but we probably and political affiliations found won’t see the financial effect of the themselves staring at a blank screen change in our St. Lawrence career. that would not load, leaving them However, the next generation of irate.

Laurentians will most likely be the After weeks of SLU’s PR campaign inheritors of these costs. that promised ease and efficiency, I strongly hold the belief that APR 2.0 was almost immediately although all students have the right struck by what the registrar’s office to register for classes, it is more ascribed as “timing issues.” These important for them to have the technical freedom difficulties “Logging on to APR 2.0 was the to register h a v e when they last thing I wanted to do ended up want to pantless at 7 a.m.” blo cking and for many students out of the classes that what they want. What do we have if they need in order to complete their not our freedom? major or to fulfill a distribution and, Similar registration systems most importantly, the classes that have been implemented and well they want. received at many liberal colleges The new system is supposed to across the nation, however, why give students more flexibility in does that mean that we have to registering for their classes for the follow their lead? We had a long upcoming semester, by not blocking standing tradition with our former any students based on preexisting registration system and I fear what conditions. However in reality the this new APR system means for system blocks students from classes other freedoms that we currently based on other reasons, such as take for granted. poor timing or pressing refresh on These complications are just the the browser. tip of the iceberg that we will see in Many believe that the crashes the future with this new registration were caused by the volume of traffic system. It is not an isolated incident on the new registration system, and we should be more worried however such a lack of foresight than we are. We need to repeal APR seems to be unbelievable. The real 2.0.

THE HILL NEWS | 3

every person you work with.

Circling the letters t hat sp el l out “HELP ME PLEASE” in your thank-you letters to alumni.

Loans4Life with hilarious #L4L posters. Lunch for Lionel, anyone?

Special Feature: Damsels in Distress The research is in: without the help of men, single women struggle to open jars, causing hunger and deep bruising.

THE HILL NEWS asks their single women writers how they cope in a jar-filled world.

AMANDA BROOKS/INDIVIDUAL WHO TAKES A LOT OF PHOTOGRAPHS

Little Hands, Big Problems

By NATALIE DIGNAM ‘16 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR As a female with tiny female hands, I have found that one of my greatest challenges in life is opening jars for myself.

Whenever I want to enjoy a dab of jam on my toast, or mayo on my sandwich, I am paralyzed by my inability to muster the strength to open the lid of my favorite condiments. I end up searching the house for a suitably macho and strong-handed male figure,

but if he is nowhere to be found, I simply throw the glass jar on the floor, like the irrational (but pretty) creature that I am. With the invention of plastic jars, I really have no options left but to gnaw through the bottom of that organic polymer to get at the peanut butter. However, since I am excellent at making sandwiches (especially for men), it’s worth sacrificing my dental health to break into some tasty PB. Another option for ladies who don’t want to smash glass on the floor of their natural habitat (the kitchen) is to capture a male

companion and use him as your full-time jar opener; we already have can-openers, and I have often wondered why we don’t have jar-openers, too. Men like to feel useful, so we will give them an infinitely useful position in our lives as the gateway to our condiments. Think about it. We can already reproduce using two eggs, so scientifically we don’t really need men, but logically, we really do need peanut butter and mayo. If you are a lady and want to procure your very own jaropener (a.k.a. male companion), join SLU Crushes today.

I Just Want A Pickle

By EMILY SMITH ‘17 GUEST WRITER & HUNTER-GATHERER

I’ve been craving a pickle since last February, I shit you not. Ever since my long term relationship ended, I have not been able to eat pickles, and I greatly mourn the loss of peanut butter and jelly on a daily basis. When my relationship ended, I cried more about the loss of Grey Poupon for turkey sandwiches than I did the loss of my romantic partner. Let’s be honest: boyfriends come and go, but what we really miss is what they take with them; our ability to eat any of our beloved jarred food, am I right ladies? Listen, feminism aside, the single lady life is hard, and if you are a vegetarian? Forget it, peanut butter, a main source of protein

for my meatless gal pals out there is taken completely off the menu.

How am I to survive as a single girl in a jar filled world? I know I talk about male privilege a LOT, but this has got to be the worst item on the list of things we womenfolk are excluded from. I mean, can you say PATRIARCHY, like holy guacamole (another thing I cannot have as a single girl, unless I make it myself) it’s like major food companies are designing things so that us ladies need a big strong burly man in our lives to combat the vicious jarred food phenomenon. Is this all part of the conservative agenda to try and get us to couple up and get married already? Maybe Rush Limbaugh is behind this, after all, he did beg the perfectly reasonable and fair question “What’s with all these single chicks lately?” Can you

blame him? I mean the man may be just looking out for us, right? But we must press on ladies, Darwin was right, it is survival of the fittest, and in this dog eat dog world we girls must look out for each other.

It’s a hard life, but I am still alive, aren’t I? How is this, you ask?

Simple, I stick vto the basics. I only eat foods that you can take from the wild such as berries and game that I can hunt, although I know it may seem strange that I can shoot down a pheasant but I need a man to open a jar for me, but hey, that’s just how shit works out sometimes isn’t it?

Since being single I have recently taken up farming. I improved quite a bit, although last month’s harvest was a bit lacking. I grow cucumbers so that one day, I will not need a man in my life in order to eat pickles, so take that, patriarchy!

4 | THE HILL NEWS

FIRE-STARTER

APRIL 1, 2014

Ticker filled again with babes BABIES FROM PAGE 1 tradition, while preserving the good memories. Both students and alumni are encouraged to stop by and visit, while also pitching in a little with the kids. The owners fully accept that it is difficult to say goodbye to a SLU tradition, but are confident that the change will be welcomed by Canton and the university alike.

Fortunately, moving back to the similarities between college

students and toddlers, not much will have to be changed. The concrete floors reportedly only need a quick dusting to be ready for ABCs and 1-2-3s, and booths have been removed to make room for naptime cots.

Even the bar will remain standing, but the liquor bottles will be replaced with baby formula and animal crackers. The changes are minimal and preserve the space

and character of one of Canton’s finest establishments.

Not a day goes by when students don’t stop and think about the Tick Tock and the memories it holds, but the future is bright. There’s really no better replacement for the Ticker than a daycare, which makes the transition seamless.

There’s a new generation in town, but they’re only “getting some” apple juice and baby carrots.

PROHIBITION FROM PAGE 1 “Recently, we’ve been admitting students who show up freshmen fall and get transported right off the bat. It’s ridiculous. I think the shift to a dry campus will help students focus on the things that matter.”

More so, Jones believes that this new initiative will help set SLU apart from other schools in the area such as Clarkson. “It’s known that Clarkson is full of devilworshippers.

A religious, alcohol free SLU will provide an alternative education opportunity for students who want to experience the North Country lifestyle through the lens of God — and prohibition.”

When asked, the Athletic

Department shared mixed reviews on this subject. “It will make it a lot easier during dry season if every season is dry,” said Varsity Badminton coach Conrad Birdie.

However, the Water Polo team is more concerned with the fact that we just redid our school logo to be less religious. “Man, now I gotta order new uniforms again, my athletes are not going to be happy about this” said their assistant coach Ralph Lauren.

Both the Rugby and Ultimate Frisbee teams are thinking of disbanding after discovering that their sports lack a sense of purpose when alcohol is not involved.

Despite the influx of religious students that will be admitted

to the class of 2019, it remains unclear if the chapel will ever be usable again. Regardless, Clarkson still sucks.

The office of P. Faux released a statement earlier this week begging current students to get on board with this initiative. “How can we expect you to be Laurentians4Life if you’re all dead of liver disease before you have a chance to donate to the Alumni Association?”

Questions?

Comments?

Concerns? Take it up at office hours with the Faux himself — but be warned, anyone advocating for SLU to overturn the decision for a dry campus will be stigmatized as an alcoholic and made to attend mandatory counseling sessions to combat their addiction.

SAMMY ADAMS:All night no longer

AMANDA BROOKS / #1 PHOTOGRAPHER

By ELLE LUCAS EDITOR OF OLDS ACE announced in this Wednesday’s Thelmo meeting that Sammy Adams will not be performing at Springfest event. The executive board’s announcement was met with

both overjoyed students and disappointed professors.

“The majority of the student body can relate to his profound lyrics,” said tenured professor Bob Thacker. “It’s a disappointment that we won’t have another white, middle-class, Boston native on campus that weekend.”

The former college-soccer-starturned-dorm-room-rapper was chosen from an early selection process that featured Ellie Goulding, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, and the Lumineers. All appeared too eccentric for SLU’s homogeneous crowd.

“Personally, I couldn’t be happier,” said a Thelmo rep who is a transfer student from Hamilton College who partook in booing Adams off the stage at their spring concert in 2011.

When contacted by the Hill News staff, Adams declined to comment.

His manager, however, who admits

he is a decorated professional jointroller, noted that considering the show was planned the day before April 20th, Sammy and the boys would probably not be able to deliver a knockout show regardless.

So far ACE has not disclosed a plan for a backup. With the remaining two weeks before the concert, however, it can be expected that more polls with unlikely choices will be sent out to the student body via email, SLUwire, a Facebook group, an ad in the Hill News, posters in the student center, the SLU Instagram and Twitter accounts, and an announcement at the men’s lacrosse game.

“At the very least,” an anonymous ACE member said, “we hope that another band no one knows but actually loves will step in at the last minute, like State Radio did. Chad Stokes really saved our ass.”

Canton Welcomes Global Warming

By JOHN ROMAN STAFF WRITER One of the most hotly (no pun intended) discussed topics amongst SLU students is our infamous North Country winter. It seems as though one can barely go a day without engaging in some sort of speculation as to when the cold might finally go away. Even the seniors seem to have barely adjusted by the time they are finally thrust out into the real world come graduation, no doubt fleeing to warmer climates.

Well St. Lawrence, flee no more!

Last week the IPCC (International Panel on Climate Change) released its annual report detailing the drastic changes in store for the global climate in the coming century. Although many of these changes will be quite burdensome for some (look out NYC, Mama Atlantic is coming for you), for those of us toiling far from bothersome oceanic encroachments, these changes in Earth’s natural systems will mean more time to relax in the sun with friends out on the new and improved quad.

That’s right folks, winters here in the NoCo are in for a long-overdue

trimming thanks to the wonders of carbon emissions. It’s hard to believe the technologies that are now contributing to our planet’s future in a more meaningful way. It’s been scientifically shown that more summer leads to more fun and higher productivity. If only someone would tell those grumbly climate scientists to take a step back and look at the issue from a more nuanced perspective.

Perhaps they are discouraged by the threat of global food shortages.

For them I have only one question: will my CWA still work?

Photo courtesy of BUSINESSINSIDER.COM

Rainbow is the New Red

By CONNOR MARTIN PUTIN EXPERT The Kremlin wasn’t the only building in Moscow flying a fierce rainbow flag this morning. Russia’s hottest LGBT dance hall, The Dancing Bear, host of Vladimir Putin’s coming out party, has outfitted their entire space with a wide spectrum of colorful lights for the occasion. “This is a big step for Vladdy, and I want him to have everything he wants.”

A long-time supporter of Putin, Dancing Bear owner, Vitaly Onatopp waxed poetic about the event at a press conference this week, “ A part of me always knew.

From insisting on taking his shirt off when he rode his horse to naming the Vladivostok Nuclear Plant after his mother, Natalya.”

An official press release from Russia’s Front Office stated that

Putin was “positively delighted” with his decision and is feeling almost as free as that one time he went skinny-dipping with his cabinet in the Ural Mountains last year. The President of Russia has even gone as far as to declare April 4th national “Pride” day for Russia.

Putin’s latest news isn’t a win for everyone however. Coming in full force with the announcement is sweeping reform and a nationwide ban on heterosexuality and any propaganda that may suggest any relationship of a sexual nature between man and woman.

“It’s a disgusting habit and should be banned in the same vein as the pedophilia legislation we passed just a few years prior. Russia will have a strict no-tolerance policy for anything suggesting that it’s natural for a man and woman to have an amorous relationship.”

78 Park Raises the Roof

By EMILY HARRINGTON STAFF WRITER Commoners have lived in harmony with the Gilson Hall Ghost Charlie, since his presence in the former Phi Sigma Kappa house was first noticed many years ago. This winter, however, Commons gained a new set of vagabond residents. Instead of waking up with the chill of a friendly spirit, Commons residents woke up to scampering, squeaks, and thuds over their heads.

“At first we thought it was squirrels mating but then it meowed,” said Brooke McGowan ’15, who has speculated all semester that the new resident is a stray cat and possibly kittens. “I have seen them stick their paws through cracks in the wall,” swore Ben Crocker, ’16, a resident of the especially old third floor quad. The squirrels, and potentially cats, have been a given for the residents until recently, when an especially large flurry of overhead activity became too much to ignore. “It literally sounds like there’s a golden retriever running around above our heads,” McGowan commented last week before the true species of the squatter was revealed.

After several work orders and a heavy dose of denial about the pos-

sibility of a beast actually living in the walls, it has been confirmed: Commons College is now home to not only 28 of the most well-mannered, socially responsible co-eds on campus, but also the rare Grolar Bear.

Climate change came to Canton and brought with it funky ski conditions, a snowy spring equinox, and the offspring of grizzly bears and polar bear baby-mamas.

“By melting the seasonal ice cap, we’re speeding up evolution,” stated Brendan Kelly, the University of Alaska evolutionary biologist, who was called in to address the issue of the Commons creature.

As a hybrid, the bear is infertile, thus the administration has decided to leave it be. “It seems to have been adopted by the squirrels and is learning their docile ways. As long as it stays away from the new dorm we aren’t really worried about it,” said Facilities Director Charles Brown.

The residents of Commons are unsure how safe it is to live with a grolar bear. As a precaution, they have placed themselves on Super Secret Double Probation to avoid the chance that their friends might run into an disgruntled hybrid on the way up the stairs.

THE HILL NEWS e s t a b l i s h e d i n 1 9 1 1 at s t . l aw r e n c e u n i v e r s i t y

FRIDAY, APRIL 4, 2014

SLU NEWS Party for a cure This Saturday, the third annual “Kick It” event will be hosted in Leithead Fieldhouse to benefit Zachary, a local Canton seventh grader.

Zumba, Tabata, Insanity, and other fitness classes will be going on all afternoon-pick your poison and support a great cause.

Jam with Pub 56 Erik Sievert and Mike Godwin will be performing together at Pub 56 tonight at 8:30pm. student artists and come out for a good time.

Laugh some more Comedian Danny Jolles holds court tonight in the Winston Room at 7pm. Get your laugh on with us.

This day in history: Sally Ride became the first woman in space aboard space shuttle Challenger.

Now that’s a lady who knows how to lean in.

VOLUME CXXVIII, ISSUE 8

SLU Embraces Social Media on All Channels

By TOM MATHIASEN STAFF WRITER

GRAPH: SLU SOCIAL MEDIA BY THE NUMBERS

Social media is being put to renewed use at SLU to connect alumni, current students and prospective students. By using outlets like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, SLU is able to branch out even farther to the social community.

Meg Bernier and the Student Social Media Team have worked hard to build upon SLU’s digital identity and social media presence. One of the goals that Bernier and the Social Media Team is to find out what the students want and what the students need and create a more personal connection between the school and the students.

Although the school’s Facebook and Twitter pages have been successful, the real success in generating a great connection with the students has come with Instagram. Instagram allows students to feel comfortable to interact with the school. Last year, SLU did the “Photo a Day Challenge” which allowed students to interact directly within the school community.

With the success generated

GRAPHIC BY AMY YAO

from the “Photo a Day Challenge” Bernier and the Social Media Team have started the “Here We Go Saints” Instagram page.

This page allows current students to take full control over the page and post pictures that show all the activities that our students are involved with on campus. As SLU was one of the first schools that implemented a way for students to have complete access into a school social media page, it creates a unique way for students to share their experiences to the

SLU community. SLU is becoming more social online. Bernier takes pride in our growing digital identity which allows our students to share their great stories.

One student who has truly enjoyed his time working with Bernier and the Student Social Media Team is sophomore Ryan Karklin ‘16. As a member of the Social Media Team, he has helped to develop SLU’s digital identity and even took control over the “Here We Go Saints” Instagram page for a week earlier this semes-

ter. What he enjoyed most about the experience was that he was able show what he does here on campus and everyone, including alumni could see his experiences.

Also, working for the Student Social Media Team has also allowed Karklin to go to school events and allow people to see the great experiences that SLU students have.

Another success in building SLU’s social media presence and educating students on their own social identity was the Digital Identity Week. Designed to show students how to monitor and create their own digital identities, Bernier and the Social Media Team were actively involved in putting up posters, signs and holding information sessions to educate students which was capped off by an appearance and Q&A by ESPN’s John Buccigross and a Social Media Night during a women’s ice hockey game in February.

As social media changes, so will SLU’s use of social media. As a pioneer in allowing students to take full control of a school social media page, SLU has allowed students to see a greater perspective of student life and experiences here on campus.

GRAPH: TIMELINE OF NEW SPRINGFEST ALCOHOL POLICY

Java-bob all night Mr. Charlie and Blues for Breakfast return to Java this Saturday night at 10pm, where they will share a stage with a brand-new scarlet and brown drum kit.

The Hill Goes Digital

Read Online: issuu.com/ the-hill-news Tweet At Us: @thehillnews Find Us On The Book: facebook.com/ the-hill-news

Contents:

Opinions pg. 6 News pg. 6

Features pg. 7 A&E pg. 8

GRAPHIC BY AMY YAO

ACE Alters Springfest Alcohol Policy

By GABBY WILSON STAFF WRITER Since mid-semester of last year, Robert (Monty) Montgomery ’14, President of the Association for Campus Entertainment (ACE), and Vice President Elena Ruiz ’14 have been involved in

an extensive process with SLU administration to change the current security restrictions for Springfest. These restrictions were enacted three years ago, which required that a fence be placed around the Springfest concert venue because of the administration’s concerns about

weekend weather

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underage drinking and lack of regulation at the event. These restrictions have prevented students from bringing in any form of alcoholic beverage to the concert and enforced heavier monitoring of students.

Although these restrictions were originally created for student

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safety, ACE has recognized the negative effects these changes have had on students’ overall Springfest experience. The ACE Executive Board has proposed a new policy in order to prevent underage drinking while SEE ACE, PAGE 6

In This Issue: ACE Springfest alcohol policy updated, page 5 Op-ed: Loans for Life campaign unnecessary, page 6 Business Case Competition guest article, page 7 Writer’s Series profiles Daphne Kalotay, page 8 Boot ‘n Paddle, page 8

6 | THE HILL NEWS

NEWS/OPINIONS

Letter to the Editor: Loans 4 Life?

Dear Editor, This week four years ago I made the decision to come to St. Lawrence. It’s not that I didn’t have other choices. I did. I had some great choices. But when it came down to the wire I made my decision to become a Larry for one main reason.

St. Lawrence is a family. Our alumni and students are so passionate about this place and they go to great lengths to make this known. Alumni are fervent and generous. I know I wouldn’t be here without the help of scholarships and pledges from generous Laurentians. I think I’m in good company.

It is for this reason I am writing this editorial. Well, sort of.

Mostly, it’s because of a really upsetting sticker slander campaign I witnessed first on Tuesday, and all week since. You may not have seen many of them around because I’ve been on a sticker-pulling crusade for the last two days, but they’re pretty upsetting.

Some enterprising individuals…err vandals, have decided to try to undermine the hard work of the individuals that put together this week of celebration. Not only did these cowards scribble their ill-conceived and seemingly arbitrary agenda on ACE FROM PAGE 1 increasing attendance through the opening acts at the concert.

Following Spring Break, members of the ACE Executive Board met with Vice President for Student Life Joe Tolliver, Director of Safety and Security Pat Gagnon, and Associate Director of Student Activities Meg Flaherty to discuss their proposal for a new policy. The proposal addressed an underlying concern that there is a significant amount of highrisk binge drinking that occurs before the concert as a result of the fencing restrictions that prevent of age students from bringing in alcohol. Consequently, this has caused students to be more focused on getting drunk before the concert instead of attending the opening act.

The proposal states, “This lack of attendance at these events discourages underage students from attending, or leads to them mimicking the behavior of the upperclassmen who frontload for events. What we are attempting to do is reduce the amount of time between when the event starts and when a large portion of the student body arrives.” The lack of attendance at the opening act has been a trend at Springfest for the past few years, and ACE is addressing the issue in order to make sure that students are getting the most out of the concert.

Members from ACE surveyed

the lovely L4L stickers printed for distribution this week, but they had the audacity to plaster them around campus, even covering up the stickers of other legitimate groups on campus.

Perhaps what these people fail to realize the implications of their actions. Maybe they acted on impulse and emotion more than logic and reason. For this, I can excuse them a little.

I realize full well that college is a formative time during which we are allowed and even encouraged to make mistakes, but this recent “Loans 4 Life” anticampaign has truly set me off. I simply can’t fathom how shortsighted, immature, and frankly bratty the actions of these so called “activists” are.

If someone lucky enough to be accepted into the amazing family that is the Laurentian community, thinks for a second that trying to spin (or vandalize, as I see it) part of the magic that draws so many to this spectacular community, will make any bit of change they are strongly mistaken.

Now, to speak to the rumors that this is somehow “activism”.

False, this is cowardly vandalism. Okay, maybe it is active in nature, but not in the right tune.

Real activism would be engaging the student body in some sort

of public forum (like the Hill News) without hijacking someone else’s sticker campaign with faceless propaganda.

This week is Laurentian for Life week, during which a dedicated team of students, faculty, and alumni are working together to celebrate all that it is to be a Laurentian. This means things like integrity, dignity, tolerance, respect, and an understanding of community that extends past the four walls of the classroom, on campus, and beyond.

Perhaps above all, this week is about pride and being proud to be a Laurentian. Not just for four years, but for life.

I would like to personally thank you and the L4L committee for helping organize this great week, and for doing everything that you do for us. One of the primary reasons I chose to be a Saint and choose to stay a Saint, is the fervent Alumni network and expansively passionate and welcoming community of Laurentians for Life.

Without people like you I simply would not be the young man I will graduate as in less than 50 days.

From one lifelong Laurentian to another,

SLU students over the past semester, both of and under age, in order to hear their opinion on the matter. Student responses coincided with the idea that most of the high-risk binge drinking occurs before the event begins, and students often wait to hear whether or not people are actually at the concert before they show up.

ACE is focused on making sure that students are able to enjoy the concert to its fullest extent and

the student body’s experience.

After much deliberation, ACE and the SLU administration have finalized the decision that Springfest will now be treated as a registered alcohol event and will follow the regulations presented by the school’s Alcohol Event Registration Form. One week prior to the event, ACE members will be distributing tickets in the Pub, and students of age will be able to present their ID in order to get both a drinking ticket and a wristband to present at the entrance of the concert.

Students will not be allowed to purchase tickets on the day of the concert and lost tickets cannot be replaced.

At the concert, there will be two separate lines for underage students and students that are of the legal drinking age. Students in the alcohol line must present their ticket and wristband at the door in order to carry in one sixpack of beer or cider. Reentry will still be allowed, and safety and security will be able to monitor students as they walk between campus and the event.

This Springfest will be a trial period for the new policy, and ACE has emphasized that the main goal of the policy is student’s safety. In order for the policy to be successful, students must cooperate and understand the regulations prior to the concert. The SLU Administration

ACE wants to maintain the full safety of the students without limiting the student body’s experience. do not want students to have to make a choice between attending the opening act of the concert or drinking prior to the event.

Elena indicated, “We aren’t doing this for ourselves. As members of ACE, we can’t even drink. We are doing this so the students can have casual drinking incorporated into the event and this is what the students have asked for.” ACE wants to maintain the full safety of the students without limiting

APRIL 4, 2014

Letter to the Editor: APR 2.0 Dear Thelmo, While I applaud your efforts to make registration a faster, more streamlined event, you have ultimately failed in your endeavors.

Having your students wake up at 7am on a Monday to register for classes in real-time is one thing (a cruel, unnecessary thing to do, I might add), but telling your students that the new system would be able to handle any and all Internet traffic when in actuality, it can’t, is an entirely separate entity.

Judging from my Facebook and Twitter news feeds, no one was particularly excited about this new APR system. Nobody wanted to wake up at 7am to register for classes. Why replace the old system when it worked 9 times out of 10, my Internet community wondered. Surprise, surprise when 7am rolled around and APR 2.0 crashed due to Internet traffic.

Some people said that APR 2.0 even lost all of the classes they had planned for next semester.

By 7:30am, the problem has still not been resolved. After 30 minutes of constantly refreshing my browser page, I was finally able to log in (shocker). However, every attempt to register for classes

has failed. Know how I know it failed? I received not only a nice little notification at the top of my APR 2.0 window, but an email sent to my SLU account. Every. Single.

Time. Registration. Failed. Again, shocker.

I realize pleading with you to bring back the old system would be a waste of my time and your’s.

With the influx of more and more students per year, I know in my heart-of-hearts that the original APR wouldn’t have been able to accommodate the growing number of students at SLU. However, I do implore you to look at the situation and realize that you now have a vast amount of tired, upset, and quite frankly, pissed-off students on your hands.

I’ve included The Hill News in this email because I want the St. Lawrence community at large to know that you, Thelmo, are at fault for this situation. You took a system that worked and completely destroyed it, not to mention spent Lord knows how much of our tuition money on said-new system.

Incredibly exhausted and not at all surprised with this situation, Gabrielle Batista ‘15

Yours, Hugh Neville ‘14

has also raised concerns about destructive behavior. Security will be monitoring students closely and will take precautions such as preventing glass bottles in the venue and having EMTs present at all times in order to ensure student safety.

All members of ACE have also been TIPS trained in order to monitor student behavior and make sure students are complying with the alcohol policy. In addition to ensuring student safety, ACE wants to make sure that students

have an enjoyable Springfest.

As Monty states, “We just really want it to be fun for people. Our job is to serve the students, and we feel this is hopefully going to enhance the experience. We want the whole campus to be present.” If students are able to comply with the new regulations and drink responsibly, the policy will be reevaluated by SLU Administration and members of the ACE Executive Board in order to determine whether it will be used for Springfest next year.

features

APRIL 4, 2014

PHOTO COURTESY OF BETH LARRABEE

Inaugural Business Case Study Competition Planned

By BETH LARRABEE GUEST WRITER In its first semester, the Business Case Study Course has been a big hit among 17 juniors and seniors participating in the class.

Through collaborative efforts of Career Services and Career Connections, this half-credit course takes a liberal arts approach designed to provide students with necessary tools to effectively analyze and interpret real-world business problems and to develop thoughtful and

intelligent solutions to these challenges.

Through a series of outstanding speakers across multiple disciplines, students explored concepts detailed below followed by group discussion and weekly reflection papers.

Vasileios Prassas ’14 stated, “The most attractive element of this class is that it shows us how to apply our liberal arts perspective on real life business situations.

Thus, it is certainly a great bridge to our professional careers.”

Part of the value of this course

has come from the personal and professional perspectives of the speakers. As indicated by Emily von Loesecke ’14, “For anyone looking to pursue any profession in the business or finance world, I highly recommend taking this course.

Our first speaker, St. Lawrence alum and VP at BNY Mellon, David Cruikshank, gave us an interesting perspective on his approach to strategizing the implementation of a mission and a vision in a company. Through his presentation and our following

THE HILL NEWS|7

class discussion, I was able to see my college pursuits come alive.”

Adrian Wilson ’14 also explains, “Although I’ve always intended on being an entrepreneur, this class has showed me that it’s not always the visibility or the image that matters when running a business.

But instead, I now see that what is happening in the background-from leadership to innovation to knowing your clients-- is what matters. After taking this class, I can now say I am more confident in pursuing this profession.”

David Cruikshank ‘86, who helped kick off the Business Case Study Course initiative by leading the first class lecture said, I found it a very rewarding experience. I am happy to have been part of this business-based course, and would gladly participate again. Kudos to St. Lawrence for putting together such a program that brings business experience together with structured academic learning. It’s a great combination.

The culminating experience of the course is a Business Case Study Competition with three student teams making formal presentations to a panel of judges comprised of alumni and experts in the field: Tom DeRosa - Surgical Supply Chain Manager, Canton-Potsdam Hospital / CEO, Personé Staffing Steve Kuno ’83 - Co-Owner and CEO, Kunoco Oil Company, Inc. Carol Shaw Maxwell ’79 - Marketing Consultant, Otis Maxwell Advertising; Innovation and Entrepreneurship Mentor, Eastern New York Angels (ENYA)

Deena Giltz McCulllough ’84 President, Northern Insuring Agency, Inc. The campus community is welcome and encouraged to attend the Business Case Study Competition on Monday, April 7 at 5:30 p.m. in the Sullivan Student Center Hannon Room. A networking dessert reception will immediately follow the conclusion of the competition at 7:30 p.m.

Course Presenters Vision & Mission David Cruikshank ’86, VP BNY Mellon

Internal Forces David Bender, COO CantonPotsdam Hospital External Forces Tom Coakley, former SLU VP for Operations, Economics Lecturer Disruptive Innovation & Creativity Ed Harcourt, (Computer Science/Mathematics) Leadership Jennifer Hansen (Philosophy), Liz Regosin (History), and Mark Raymond (Football)

Quantitative & Qualitative Arguments Robin Lock (Statistics), Jeff Maynes (Philosophy) Communication & Presentation Randy Hill (Performance and Communication Arts

COMMONS COLLEGE BENEFIT CONCERT ALL PROCEEDS GO TO THE LITTLE RIVER SCHOOL IN CANTON

MONDAY, APRIL 7 8:45 - 10:15

Want more people at your events?

ADVERTISE WITH US.

FEATURING SLU MUSICIANS GET DOLLAR BEERS WHILE LISTENING TO SOME GREAT TUNES!

Submit an ad for your club, organization, team, or group to thehillnews@stlawu.edu

A&E/NEWS

8 | THE HILL NEWS

APRIL 4, 2014

Boot ‘N’ Paddle

By JP CAREY COLUMNIST

PHOTO COURTESY OF UNIVERSITY COMMUNICATIONS

Writers Series: Daphne Kalotay

By KELLY BARTLETT GUEST WRITER For the semester’s second Writers Series event, Daphne Kalotay joined a jam-packed Sykes Formal Lounge on March 27th for a presentation of her newest novel, Sight Reading. This novel was full of vibrant descriptions that captivated the audience, each of us leaning forward in our seats, eager to hear more—or rather, see more of the intricate moments Kalotay eloquently captured with her words.

Sight Reading, published in 2013, follows three separate characters over time on an informal quest to create something beautiful with their lives, especially regarding music and visual arts. What’s interesting about the formatting of this novel is the structure of time.

Instead of following each character linearly, all the way from the plot’s start to finish, Sight Reading instead focuses on one character for a few months, then jumps to the next two characters for their own few months, and finally skips ahead ten years before returning to the first character’s storyline and continuing the cycle.

Perhaps the most intriguing part of Sight Reading, though, was the connection it had to reality. During a question and answer period after the reading, Kalotay admitted

that almost everything she writes is partially based on her real world. From the main characters’ names to the joy of learning how to play the viola for the first time, this fictional novel certainly has some nonfictional elements—a phenomenon that is of huge debate today in the literary world.

In this discussion, Kalotay expressed her side of the literary debate by mentioning her first novel, Russian Winter, which focuses on the struggles of a Russian ballet dancer post-World War II. Although she originally wanted to write a novel about a Hungarian ballet dancer in honor of her heritage, Kalotay realized that the specifics of real family stories might be too particular for other people to be able to relate. Thus, by distancing her experiences with fictional elements, there was more space to get at the heart of the story while still captivating the audience.

Kalotay, the co-president of the Boston chapter of the Women’s National Book Association, has taught at Middlebury College, Skidmore College, and Lynchburg College. She has additionally received a plethora of fellowships and awards for her excellent fiction writing, including her 2010 novel, Russian Winter, and her 2005 short fiction collection, Calamity and Other Stories.

last weekend. Is it really spring?

Something is afoot and it’s not just the snowpack. Finals are in 4 I think its safe to say this winter weeks, and I have yet to see a single was strange. The weather was sundress in 2014. I’m ready to sink variable with sub zero temperatures into an Adirondack chair on the in early December, rain in January, side lawn for hours with shades and a dumpage of snow in the tail on instead of goggles, ready for end of February and into March. skinny-dipping in the Little Grasse, It was solid stuff, and we sent ready for safety meetings in the tree it. I got more skiing in this year outside of Java Barn on Thursday than any other winter, I think. It nights, ready to come back from was especially strong if you look a hike in the high peaks caked in back and compare it to two years mud, and finally, I’m ready for ago. That winter was so pathetic I boating season. almost believed in global warming.

The spring I remember at SLU You get it, this winter was good, but was a spring where no one took it’s April now. Yes, it’s spring, and their school work seriously. My we got a foot of snow on campus kind of spring. The Whitman

Quad was packed with picknickers, Frisbee throwers and barbecuers.

The canoe shack was empty, while the Sandbanks were swarmed.

Takeout Dana to eat outside the student center was instinctual.

People I hadn’t seen since October came out of hibernation and were ready to play.

Let’s take this time to pray to Chichupacua for rain to melt the snow and warmth to get us outside.

There isn’t much time before the summer takes hold and we breeze out, so when thaw comes be ready to charge, and stay posted for trips on the listserv.

Spring be da message, peace be da journey.

Knitting Club Shares Needles

By NOELLE REILLY GUEST WRITER There is nothing like the feeling of accomplishment that comes from the creation of a beautiful and functional work of art. This feeling is frequently experienced by the members of St. Lawrence University’s Knitting Club, founded last year by Teagan Fleiner-Etheridge ‘15 and a number of her crafty companions.

The club is a close-knit group of individuals who commune each week to share in the simple pleasures of the fiber-arts. No prior experience is expected as the club believes that everyone should be able to take part in the fulfilling journey of craft production.

Lessons are offered to those who need a helping hand.

Knitting itself is one of the purest art forms. The dedication required to painstakingly craft stitch after stich reminds knitters of the inevitability of time. It is an activity that not only produces beautiful objects, but also ones of great usefulness, especially in SLU’s seemingly sub-artic climate.

Knitting is really an embodiment of the liberal arts. One must be literate in order to, first and foremost, read the patterns that will allow him or

PHOTO COURTESY OF TEAGAN FLEINER-ETHERIDGE

her to weave the yarns of creativity into something magnificent.

Mathematical skills also come in handy when following patterns and keeping track of one’s stiches.

Knitters often find themselves using a process akin to the scientific method when experimenting with new project ideas, yarns, and gauges. Economics certainly come into play: can you afford pure wool, or are you a serf who can only obtain acrylic yarns which have the lovely attribute of being machine washable? All of these concerns contribute to the overall philosophy of knitting. Knitters often find themselves faced with some of life’s toughest questions: just how many infinity scarves can one person own? do I really need another

headband? The true wizards of the craft always answer in ways that facilitate more knitting.

The SLU Knitting Club provides a weekly time and place for knitters to congregate, share projects, and spin yarns. The kindhearted souls of the Knitting Club enjoy creating an atmosphere of happiness and creative freedom for experienced crafters and “noobs” alike. It is a casual, judgement-free zone where crafters can journey wherever their needles take them. So if you ever find yourself yearning to unleash the creative beast inside you…cast away your worries and come cast on with us!

The SLU Knitting Club meets on Thursdays at 4:30 pm in the firstfloor Richardson Lounge.

CORRECTION: The performance of Romeo and Juliet will be taking place in Gulick Theater, not Peterson-Kermani Hall as was previously reported. The Hill News regrets the error.

Draw comics for The Hill News.

Email Natalie Dignam, Arts & Entertainment Editor, to learn more. ngdign11@stlawu.edu

COMIC BY PETER VALLE

9 | THE HILL NEWS

NOT VERY NEWSWORTHY

APRIL 1, 2014

SLU Ranked #1 in Diversity Statewide

By ALIE MIHUTA STAFF WRITER SLU has yet another accolade to add to its shelves of leather-bound books and rich mahogany. Fresh off a win in the Negawatt challenge, we’ve been given yet another piece of exciting news: “The awards keep rolling in for SLU,” commented one student, discovering that just two days ago SLU now ranks number one for diversity in New York State. The rankings, carried out

by World Higher Institutions for Transparency in Ethnicity, or WHITE, collected data from universities worldwide with a concentration in ethnic, gen-

der and religious variety. “It’s a moment of pride for SLU, and we’ll be commemorating it through a clothing line that is sure to broadcast our reputation for spearheading diversity efforts long into the future,” said Charlotte Kinsey, official spokeswoman for the school’s Diversity Committee, was beaming as she introduced a new Vineyard Vines manufactured set of t-shirts and crewneck sweatshirts sure to be a hit amongst SLU’s wide range of New England-based students.

Many students went down to Ms. Kinsey’s office hours to congratulate her and her staff on the achievement. Kinsey welcomed students and other visitors , speaking about how proud

she is of the university’s newest accolades. “The top leaders in American higher education have argued for years that diversity is crucial for academic quality. I am proud to say that the unique racial, ethnic and religious diversity of St. Lawrence University provides students with unparalleled learning opportunities. It also prepares them to enter an increasingly diversified world.

I am honored to be a part of such an ideal learning environment.” In addition to a clothing line, an award was given to the coaches of both the football and the squash teams, for holding, within their teams, 98% percent of the SLU students that WHITE considered “ethnically diverse.”

PHOTO BY SHAGGY “ZOINKS” ROGERS

Stoner Probably Not Going to Class Today

By ELENA PELSE STAFF WRITER

PHOTO BY ROSIE THE RIVETER

Dub Loses Housing in Rating Scandal

By CONNOR MARTIN FEATURES EDITOR “I felt like such a piece of meat, she only gave me a 7.” Cornelius Higgenbottom ‘16, member of the Lacrosse Team, opened up earlier this week at a town hall meeting in regards to an ugly practice in estrogen-powered sexism that reared its head on campus. Tempers were high as Residence Life carried out a heavy sentence on The Dub in response to a hazing incident that occurred earlier this week.

New housemembers of the aforementioned theme house were found guilty of effectively “rating” male members of campus, raising placards ranging from 1 to 10 as each boy passed by, causing heads to lower in shame and body images, wrought by tireless hours spent lifting at the gym, to be shattered by a single, solitary number.

“It seems apparent that we are not yet beyond sexism on campus,” Professor Lucas Beckwith quipped, in an a dress to the six girls guilty of objectifying inno-

cent young men. In testifying, Chad Hamilton, ’14, remarked, “ One of them asked me if I wanted a ride on the ‘pound-town express.’

Just because guys like to wear tanks to the gym and ill-fitting sweatpants doesn’t mean we want to have sex with someone.”

“ One of them asked me if I wanted a ride on the ‘pound-town express.’”

Though these issues seem to be isolated incidents, there is a risk that this sort of femisogyny could seep into the student body with more permanence. The primary culprit, who spearheaded and approved the effort, was a senior, and Dub theme house coordinator no less. Bailey Hurrowes, ’14, was noted as growling, whistling and

attempting to spank witnesses as they approached the bench to provide testimony. When asked what she had to say in her defense, she replied, “ There is nothing wrong with telling a guy that he’s pretty. If he’s got nice buns on him, it would be rude not to notice.”

It doesn’t bode well for the future of SLU’s theme houses, once a masthead of the University’s housing program. “This is the final burning mar on a slew of irresponsible actions taken by our theme houses,” Professor Beckwith continued. He spoke in reference to incidents that occurred earlier in March when the Outing Club was written up for animal sacrifice and Commons College was placed on social probation for hosting an amount of people at the house larger than permitted by fire code.

As the ongoing investigation sheds more light on what drove these students to perversely objectify their peers, one cannot help but wonder about the direction our school is headed. At the very least, we can find comfort in the integrity of our male population.

Though he thought about it for a bit while watching Stephen Hawking’s Into The Universe, renowned campus stoner, Hugh Callahan, has informed the staff here at The Hill that he is probably not going to class today.

“There was like this time a couple hours ago when I was going to do it. I even put my pants on, but then I was like ‘I could probably take a couple keef rips, play FIFA and still make it to Dana for tacos’. It all went downhill from there,” Callahan mused, over the Dr. Feelgood he’d been making bedroom eyes at throughout our entire interview.

“It’s Canadian Defense Policy 101; I don’t think I’ll be missing much.”

Callahan had a wakeup call earlier this week when he wandered into Java perplexed at the lack of a crowd. It took him a few minutes to realize that it was a Monday. Frightened at what he’d become, he decided to light up a doobie to ease his mind. “ I don’t know if I can wait 48 hours for the snack table.” The struggle is a daily one for Callahan, and it’s one that isn’t easily overcome.

During our interview, he dosed off, then promptly woke up again, musing, “Dude… what if I just woke up as a baby and my entire life up to now was all just a dream…”

Interested in Greek Life at SLU? Got a penchant for bro-ing out?

Consider the ATO Theme House,coming Fall 2014

ANNA TRAVERS/ANOTHER LADY WITH A CAMERA

10 | THE HILL NEWS

Farts & Crafts

Judging a Book By Its Cover: One Artist’s Novel Brings Competition to Their Knees

By KELLY BARTLETT GUEST WRITER Be There is a new book dominating the world of art; have you heard of it? Fifty Shades of Grey is revolutionizing the way art students think about and create gray spaces. This book, written

by EJ James, a British author (go figure, here in America we spell it g-r-A-y), explains the importance of gray by following the life of Christian Grey, an artist with a dark secret. Despite his immense wealth, international

artistic success, and an adoring family, Grey is characterized as “a man tormented by demons.”

He is a monochromat, meaning he is completely color blind and can only perceive the world in shades of gray. Forced to live the nightmare of a world without color, Grey runs the risk of falling into despair. However, as a true artist does, he beats his nightmares into submission with the help of his younger assistant, Anastasia Steele, making art by documenting all of the shades of gray he perceives.

While this may sound a bit monotonous-- I mean, an entire book just about the color gray? Readers say it is a deeply moving experience. In fact, Fifty Shades of Grey is so popular that even older failed artists like my mother are reading it.

And, now that I think of it, all of her friends are reading it too.

It is truly inspiring. But perhaps you are not an art major, or are thinking that this credible and explicit reference guide isn’t for you. Well, you’re in luck. Keep your eyes open for sequels such as Fifty Shades of Chicken and Fifty Shades of Earl Grey which are similar tales geared for those specializing in Culinary Arts and English Literature.

Moving in Stereo Hates Fart Noize So Much

By WILL STANDISH COLUMNIST As a music critic and columnist, I make it my mission to try to lend an open and thoughtful ear to all kinds of music across a wide breadth of genres and styles in an attempt to try and find the artistic validity that lie at their hearts and illuminate it. Ideally, I try to find something positive or insightful even in most critically maligned genres. But never—and I mean never— will you ever get me to write even one positive word about Fart Noize.

For lack of a more creative and descriptive verb, I will suffice in saying that I hate Fart Noize. It is a hatred that knows no bounds; it is as wide as oceans and as tall as mountains. Only the pig from Geico commercials (you know what I mean) and people who frequently use the phrase “just sayin’”quite rival the unchecked rage and ire that I feel towards the assault on all things good and holy about music that is Fart Noize.

Much like Orcs were corrupted from Elves in the dawn of Middle Earth or bands like Nickleback crawled forth from the ruins of grunge, Fart Noize was borne out of the tradition of comedy-rock and parody forged by artists with a knack for music and comedy such as “Weird” Al Yankovic (I high-fived him once. It was a life-defining moment) in 1993 by

Grown Ups 2 Takes On The Academy

By REUBEN WOLF GUEST WRITER It is a relatively known fact that the Academy is not too kind to comedies. The biggest snub, however, may have come with last year’s fearless, touching, and hilarious comedy: Grown Ups 2.

2013 was a very strong year for the film industry, but of all the snubs, this one was the most egregious, which you can tell by the many online petitions and worldwide protests against the Academy for not even giving this film one nomination.

The film features an all-star cast all with very solid comedic backgrounds: Adam Sandler (credits include I Now Pronounce You the Waterboy and 50 First Jack & Jills), Kevin James (who took a surprising dramatic turn in 2011’s underappreciated Zookeeper), Chris Rock (who was not afraid to bear his soul by displaying his heart-wrenching childhood on TV’s Everybody Hates Chris), and David Spade (who is not Chris Farley). When these forces combine, it produces nothing but gold permeating from the armpit of comedy itself. Speaking of armpits, we should delve right into the plot of the film… if only there was one to talk about. Not that it’s a bad thing: this movie (rather than giving us the standard and much overrated “story”) sets up situations and lets Adam Sandler and his team of geniuses do the work. Every scene, every shot, every moment Dennis Dugan (a frequent Sandler collaborator) handles oozes with influences drawn from art-house directors like Yasujirō Ozu and John Cassavetes.

So, on to the big question: Why was this film snubbed so hard by the Academy? Well, to be honest, I believe it is because the

APRIL 1, 2014

Academy is often afraid to give awards to films that take risks.

Case in point: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). This film broke many cinematic conventions at the time and tackled subject matter that wasn’t handled by many films up to that point. Thirty-five years later, Grown Ups 2 tackles a subject no film has ever handled: the burpsnart (no, that is not a typo). What is the burpsnart, you ask? Well, in a brilliant soliloquy that rivals anything Billy Shakespeare ever wrote, Kevin James demonstrates this amazing feat.

It commences with a burp, then you work up a sneeze, and then the fart just comes naturally. All three are released in rapid succession. Seriously, I have yet to see a film wherein the burpsnart is even mentioned. Thank you, Grown Ups 2, for bringing this subject to light.

All in all, I could not stop laughing at each situation Grown Ups 2 presented. Whether it was a deer peeing on Adam Sandler, or male cheerleaders rubbing their genitals all over Kevin James’ car, Grown Ups 2 really does offer something for the entire family to enjoy. I hope that in the future, comments and assessments of Grown Ups 2 will parallel with that of Citizen Kane.

vocalist Jonny Stankk, guitarist Chad Grossman (later styled as “Gross, man”), bassist Dougie Sanchez, and a masked drummer irritatingly only known as “the Shmoop.” History has shown these men to be the singularly most detestable human beings on the face of the earth. Their music does for gross-out humor what the Scary Movie films and their spin-offs have done for film parody. If a master comedian knows they can garner huge laughs from peppering their comedy with the occasional poop joke like a painter with a fine-tip brush, Fart Noize punches their audience in the face with them.

Their 1997 debut Spanx a Lot demonstrated everything that was wrong with both musical comedy and rap-metal in the dark ages of the mid-90s. I gritted my teeth and bared through their 2003 charity album Give Thanks for the Stanks, which somehow managed to be both vulgar and sanctimonious, thinking it could get no worse. But it was their 2009 magnum opus A Girl Named Diarrhea—a concept album—that truly taught me new dimensions of hatred.

When they disbanded in 2012, I thought that brighter days were ahead. Surely, the world had been relieved of a blight which we would never again see. For the first time in nearly two decades, humanity could finally rest easy and undaunted. But the universe

is a cruel, uncaring place. There is no sense or reason. Their new album, The Fartpocalypse, released earlier this week has shown me this.

Opening with the ten minute (!) “Shart of Darkness,” Fart Noize does things to the already dangerously maligned tuba to which no mortal ear should ever bear witness. Breaking from their destruction of classical music, the band moves on to razing hiphop of all value. I thought that we had escaped from the era where rap could start with “my name is ___ and I’m here to say,” but I was cruelly mistaken. I-I’m finding it harder to write as I listen on, as I find myself waylaid by the most splitting headache I’ve ever experienced. Where am I? What day is this? Must. Keep. Going?

What- what even is that sound?

No, I didn’t even think anyone could rhyme something with that…

I think this music has unleashed something onto this world. Oh god, it’s opening the door! I don’t know if this will ever reach anyone, but if it does, please tellEditors note: We found this document on Will’s laptop.

Scorch marks were found on the desk and an indescribable scent filled the air. If anyone has any information regarding the disappearance of Will Standish, please contact the Hill News immediately.

Starving Artist: Russell King

By NATALIE DIGNAM A&E EDITOR The Hill News (HN): Can you tell us about where you get your inspiration for your work?

Russell King (RK): Pornhub. com.

HN: Do you feel that you are a starving artist, or is the SLU Full Flex plan sufficient enough to meet your needs?

RK: I don’t conform to cliches. I am the opposite of the starving artist. I am a gluttonous artist. I try to eat as much as I can whenever I can.

Many of the greatest artists could not afford to eat - only drink. If they did so well starving, it stands to reason that they would have been perfect if they were well fed. As such I can only become a better artist if I can eat more. The more, the better. Nothing helps more than Dana. All you can

eat? Let me tell you, I can and do eat it all. Especially pesto noodles.

HN: What movement do you identity with?

RK: The Segway, especially the one with the all-terrain tires. I can go anywhere in style as slowly or very slowly as I want. I’m the envy of all! What a better way to get better art than through… [pause] OH! You meant what artistic movement!

I don’t know much about any of those, but I guess I’m a fan of the one where you take hallucinogens, fill your mouth with pigments, and spray pictures of Pleistocene mammals on cave walls.

HN: It is rumored that your most recent installation utilizes old Pub cookies, pencils, and human hair, can you tell us about that?

RK: Don’t believe rumors. Airport security “randomly” searched me and found my carry-on, my coat, my shoes, and my body cavities stuffed with these things. This is just a hobby, not art. My art exists purely in the realm of qualia, not quanta; it is phenomenal, not physical, and as such can only be known (incorrigibly, at that) by me. Really, my art is truly spectacular and I have the upmost pity everyone for not being able to experience it.

HN: Who do you look to as your inspiration?

RK: [Inaudible]

Saints Sports

NATIONAL RESULTS

03/28 Jaguars v. Sharks, W 3-7 03/29 Blues v. Knicks, W 33-18 03/30 Mets v. NY Jets, L 6-7 04/01 Danica Patrick 1st Place in Sprint Cup

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NBA Fantasy Basketball, We Love the Way They Dribble Up and Down the Cour t Whoa Boy!

By BRANDON DI PERNO STAFF WRITER

Stephon Marbury Stephon Marbury is a two-time champion. In China, Marbury has been significantly average in his time with the Beijing Ducks, especially in the play-offs, when fans thought he threw the game.

Nevertheless, I’d want him on my team for his fantastic hair alone. *Stephon Marbury is very bald. Like shiny bald. People wear sunglasses around him because of the glare his head causes.

PHOTO COURTESY OF ECAC HOCKEY

Damnit, Bernice!: Clarkson Women’s Team Under Fire for Using Male Skaters

By JANE EIFERT STAFF WRITER On March 23, the Clarkson women’s hockey team took on the Minnesota Golden Gophers in the National Championships, which took place at Quinnipiac University in Hamden, CT. Half way through the first period, Minnesota took the early lead, but the Golden Knights answered back with 2 goals of their own. The Knights and Gophers were neck-in-neck throughout the game, but after a breakaway goal from sophomore Shannon MacAulay with five minutes remaining, Clarkson increased

their lead and ultimately won the game 5-4.

Clarkson fans everywhere celebrated their team’s first NCAA win for women’s hockey; however, NCAA officials have discovered evidence that the Golden Knights cheated during their playoff season as well as during the Frozen Four Tournament.

The Clarkson women boasted a talented team throughout the entire season, but after looking into some of their more recent victories, the NCAA committee realized that something did not line up. After the results from the NCAA championship game against Minnesota, questions

began to arise and speculations were made.

The Minnesota Golden Gophers have won 4 of the 14 total NCAA Division I Women’s Hockey Tournaments and came into this year’s final game with a 26-game winning streak.

Clarkson’s victory was certainly an upset, but the team is currently under investigation for including male players in their lineup. After viewing video footage from the game, officials have been looking further into uncovering the truth of this illegal action. More information will be released as the NCAA committee continues this investigation.

Students to be Charged for Hockey Game Entry: “We Have to Combat Tuition Hikes Somehow!”

By JACK LYONS STAFF WRITER In a surprising move, St. Lawrence released a statement on Sunday that they would now be charging $5 for entry to all Saints hockey games. SLU provided two reasons for the new protocol: Firstly, a complaint was filed by a town resident that the oak benches were too comfortable, so SLU has decided to remove the wooden benches and replace them with rock benches. The type of rock has not been decided yet, but there is rumor circulating that they are choosing between marble and granite because they would sparkle when the goal light flashes.

The second reason that students will now have to pay for entry is that the women’s team has decided to expand on their SaintsgoSocial weekend, adding an Instagram game on the Saturday following

Kwame Brown Known as one of the worst number one picks in history, lucky for fantasy owners, it has been reported that Brown has recently bought a box of pizza pockets. If you acquire him now, there is a possibility he might share with you.

Steve Francis Steve Francis has done nothing since leaving the NBA except get into fights at bars, as well as age quicker than the Nazi leader in Indiana Jones III: The Last Crusade (After the the Nazi leader drinks out of the cup that is not the holy grail). In any case, he should be on your team because he’d probably be that guy who fires jumpers from everywhere, and makes 40% of them. Like that old guy from the YMCA pick-up games. You know the one :)

Buy Luke Walton One of the best players to ever set foot on the hardwood, Walton has decided to return to the league as member of the Washington Bullets. He’s one of the best players of all time, and you would be foolish not to acquire him.

Adam Morrison Morrison’s comeback with the Blazers last summer was a failure, and as a result he hasn’t played NBA basketball in two years.

However, he does have two rings from riding the bench with the Lakers, so he has to be as good as LeBron. Also, have you seen his moustache?

Shaquille O’Neal Shaquille O’Neal has not played basketball in years; however, he has made terrible jokes and wears designer suits. He also owns over 100 Five-Guys restaurants. I don’t know about you, but he sounds like a blast to hang out with. I’d pick him up.

Sell LeBron James While still the potential MVP, LeBron has declared to enter the NFL this coming fall, and as a result, all of Miami is against him.

Fans are tackling him on the court, and Pat Riley has supposedly orchestrated a plot to make him “disappear.” So, fantasy owners might want to avoid him.

PHOTO COURTESY OF ECAC HOCKEY

their Twitter game. The jerseys for this game will feature some of the players favorite Instagrams, which seem to be mostly sunsets and pictures of food with the occasional group shot of all their friends packed together on a Friday night.

An unnamed school official is also quoted as saying, “Well, everyone goes to the hockey games. There’s nothing else to do up here. Might as well make some money off it!”

Student reaction to the news has been mostly negative. A sophomore who preferred to remain anonymous says, ‘This is ridiculous. First they want me to pay for stuff like, tuition, and classes, and now hockey games?

Outrageous!”

While most students have not reacted as poorly, the general consensus among the student body is that attendance next year may be slightly lower than this year.

Kevin Durant Durant is putting up the best numbers of his career, but he recently stubbed his toe and as a result, had to put on a Band-Aid. As NBA enthusiasts know, Band-Aids are not a big deal except the Thunder training staff only had Dora the Explorer brand bandages at the time and we all know Kevin is more of a Diego guy.

How this will affect his play is unknown, but it can’t be good.

Kevin Love Kevin Love is playing amazingly right now, almost averaging 30 points a game. But do you really want him on your team? Word around the locker room is that Kevin is a huge Backstreet Boys fan, and frequently gets into arguments with Ricky Rubio about how they’re better than N’Sync (Ricky’s favorite boy band). With that angst going around the locker room, I don’t know if Love is your best option.

Other Stuff...

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03/28 Men’s Soccer @ ManU, L 21-0 03/28 SLU Baseball @ NY Yankees, W 8-3 03/29 Quidditch @ Slytherin, W 160-80 03/29 Ruckus Bus v. Mother Huckers, W 59-13

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Pokémon Master Q&A with Amy Yao

By KRISSY DI PERNO STAFF WRITER Name: Amy Yao Age: 20 Hometown: Niskayuna, NY Major: Biology

PHOTO COURTESY OF SOMEONE WHO ROWS... PROBABLY

SLU to Make Crew A Distribution Requirement

By JOSH CAMERON SPORTS EDITOR You may not know this, but SLU is home to one of the most majestic sports in the world today. Where else can you row, row, row your boat merrily down the St. Lawrence River, with the sun’s rays reflecting off the water at 5am? Yet, amid all this immaculate beauty and splendor, there lies a blood-thirsty competition. Team members often find themselves rowing until they puke during the off-season and catching crabs in the regular season.

Crew is a marvelous sport, and if you didn’t know, we have both men’s and women’s teams here on campus. It is truly a beautiful thing to see eight people rowing in synchronized harmony down the river. Somtime you can catch our very own Ye Yao, a coxswain on the team, giving orders and directions.

Also, the rowers themselves deserve a great deal of respect. These athletes are beyond dedicated and really go through some harsh physical and emotional training throughout their time at SLU. For some, the sport is just too much. The Anti-Crew Club is rapidly becoming one of the largest organizations on campus. Right now, they approximately have over

thirty known members and are still growing exponentially. One anonymous member of the Club came forward in order to discuss what they think causes so many people to drop from the sport.

“Crew is an incredible experience and everyone should dabble in the crew life. But, I think the reason why everyone quits is because it takes a lot out of you,” he or she said, “It’s an incredible amount of strain on not only your body, but mentally and emotionally as well.” However, SLU believes that everyone should at least give crew a try once in their lifetime, which is why they have decided to make rowing a distribution requirement.

Starting next year, St. Lawrence University will be implementing, CREW w/ Lab, as the seventh distribution credit required to graduate. Students taking this course will only be required to go to practices twice a week and attend a one hour lab in which they will learn about the aerodynamics of the boats, the history of crew, and the rules and terminology of the sport. “With the increasing percentage of students testing out crew, and then quitting, it was only fair to make this a distribution so that everyone can share in the same opportunity,” said SLU official,

Jonah Tayzlor. The average time a student lasts on the crew team is about a semester, which is why this is offered as a full- credit course.

The course will be listed under the Sports Studies and Exercise Science section in APR 2.0 and is entitled SSES-219 Rowing. This change will only apply to sophomores and incoming first-year students next fall; if you are a junior or sophomore this year, you are safe.

The athletic department has already ordered twenty extra erg machines to prepare for the course. It is important for firstyear students not to panic. If you would like to start preparing for this course, you can hop on over to the Newell Field House and use an erg machine there. Members of the crew team may laugh at how goofy your posture is, but don’t sweat it, because you’ll be catching crabs with some of them sooner than you think.

If you are looking for someone to blame, take a good look to your left or maybe even to your right. There is a strong chance that someone in your line of sight has once joined, and quit, the crew team. However, your best bet would be to contact the guy who wrote this article, for even he tested the waters with carbon fiber oars and failed.

Lebron James to Join the Cowboys This Fall

By BRANDON DI PERNO STAFF WRITER In an unexpected move that came to fruition Monday night, LeBron decided to forsake his free-agency this coming NBA offseason and instead join the Dallas Cowboys at training camp for the upcoming NFL season. While this is quite surprising, it isn’t the first time LeBron has expressed interest in joining the NFL; LeBron was, after all, the four-time league MVP for his high school St. Vincent St. Mary’s, and expressed over Twitter that he wanted to play in at least one NFL game before his NBA career is over. Dez Bryant has been a suitor for LeBron to join Dallas,

stating in an interview with ESPN Dallas, “All he’d need to do is work on a little technique. It’s not like he’s never played football before. He has. I think he’d be a beast in the red zone. I think he could do it. I think he could do it, seriously.”

Well it looks like he’s got his wish.

LeBron plans to suit up as starting wide receiver for Jerry Jones and the Cowboys this coming fall.

When asked about leaving Miami, LeBron told the Miami Herald: “I feel like I’ve accomplished everything I can as a basketball player at this moment in time, and that football is the logical next step.

I’m an athlete and to be considered one of the greatest, I need to be a

two sport athlete. I’ve always loved football and definitely feel that I can compete at the highest level. Who knows maybe I can be like Michael Jordan and play three sports at the professional level” While LeBron will leave the NBA this coming off-season, he plans to finish this season with Miami so he may have the opportunity to threepeat. Nevertheless, despite LeBron’s love for his team it seems as if Chris Bosh is the only one unhappy for LeBron. When asked about it, Bosh squealed like a dinosaur for thirty minutes while chewing on a fresh kill. LeBron’s basketball career has been great, and we over at Hill News Sports can’t wait to see him take to the gridiron.

How did you start catching Pokémon?

I heard about a Pokémon Master position that opened up on Google and I knew the job was perfect for me. Whoever catches the most Pokémon on Google Maps will get the position.

PHOTO COURTESY OF BROCK & MISTY

Did you play any other sports before taking on Pokémon catching professionally?

I play hockey, but I found my true calling in Pokémon catching. The idea of finding lost Pokémon and returning them to their Pokéball is very rewarding for me.

Do you have a strategy to catching Pokémon on Google Maps?

I go through every street in San Francisco hoping to find one of those wonderful Pokémon. They are scattered all throughout the city, so you need to have some sort of system.

Which Pokémon is the most difficult to find and have you found it yet?

There is one Pokémon that is constantly moving, and I have yet to find it. I feel like I am Ahab, and that moving Pokémon is my Great White Whale.

Do you enjoy the maps of San Francisco and why?

I feel like I could navigate through the city even though I have never been there. I can tell you where the nearest In-N-out is to the Airport. Even in the Google Maps, San Francisco looks WAY more pleasant than Canton right now.

Can you give away any secrets of where the Pokémon is hidden?

I will only give away one. Chatot can be found in the San Francisco Airport.

Who is your favorite Pokémon and have you found him yet?

My favorite is Pikachu, and yes I have found him. I consider that one of my greatest accomplishments.

How do people react to your Pokémon catching profession?

They are a little put off, but they are happy that I’ve found my calling. My parents have been bragging to all of our friends and family about my new career path.

Who has inspired you to catch Pokémon and why?

I would have to say Ash Ketchum, because he is the original Pokémon Catcher. I aspire to be just like him one day.

How are you scored and where do you catch Pokémon?

You are scored by how many Pokémon you catch. I mainly catch Pokémon in my bed right before I go to sleep or when I am procrastinating doing homework.

What is your favorite thing to order from the Pub? Extra burnt toast, no butter.

SCHEDULE Rugby Intra-Squad Scrimmage Saturday, April 5th at 4:00pm Intramural Fields

Field Hockey Matchup Field Hockey v. Men’s Hockey Saturday, April 5th at 7:00pm Hall-Leet Stadium

Quidditch v. Hufflepuff Saturday, April 5th at 12:00pm Leckonby Stadium

Tug of War (Best of 3) University Chorus v. Football Friday, April 4th at 7:00pm Leckonby Stadium