Weather: IT’S GON’ RAIN.
WARNING!
The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously. All articles, photographs, and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. Happy April Fool’s Day!
Pilot-Zombie Sightings Increase Exponentially John E. Propeller Airplane Stroker Researchers say the number of airport zombie sightings have increased 50 percent in recent weeks as airlines continue to raise minimum hiring requirements to 1500 hour. Experts say the raise is not surprising given the stress that the industry is under. The zombies which began appearing 6 months ago are believed to be flight instructors desperate for flight time. Witnesses report hearing a continuous moan from the zombies of “flight time, flight time.” Previous incidents had been limited to small flight
schools but recent events have occurred across Florida. One terrorized flight student who asked not to be named described a recent scene. “First it was one, then two. After I agreed to fly, more started coming. Next thing I knew there were 20 of them on the ramp, all trying to get in the plane.” He said. A formal investigation into that incident reveled that they had arrived at the airport in several poorly maintained vehicles and had been circling for some time prior to the incident. Authorities are warning pilots and residents to avoid public discussions of flight training and to
limit time spent at airports, flight schools and pilot shops. Pilots who find themselves confronted with a zombie may be able to avoid confrontation by shouting “I have no money.” This may stop or at least slow down the zombies long enough to exit the situation. Indications of a potential encounter include flight schools with many parked planes, bad weather and large parties hosted by unemployed flight instructors. Experts believe these incidents will continue and may intensify until the next major airline furlough, which will discourage future zombies from entering the aviation field.
Humpty-Diddle PSA: The following tools and techniques are the most effective forms of pilot-zombie repellent: • • •
Mathematics Textbooks (Preferrably no more advanced than trigonometry. Higher level mathematics risk killing the zombies.) Insulting their egos. (Be careful as this can also enrage the zombies.) Insisting on pilot-zombie use of common sense. (May also cause sudden berserks.)
As this rare photographic coverage shows, pilot-zombies are well known to be alcoholics who demonstrate limited mental capabilities and the innate ability to locate the nearest alcohol-serving establishment.
99 Things N’ Stuff New Engines for School Cessnas Page
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Manny ‘Folds’ Presha Quilt Circle Leader In a surprising change of pace, Humpty-Diddle Airplane School’s flight department leadership announced last week that all of the line aircraft would receive an engine upgrade. The engine of choice will be the revolutionary Plack and Wheatley Canadia
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PT-6 turboprop, specifically the PT6A-110 model of engine which produces 502 ESHP and 475 SHP. Kenny Blurns, the Chairman of the auspicious flight department, stated: “We want our students to have the turbine experience necessary to compete on the next level of job selection, piston time just isn’t appealing in the big leagues, and
these Turboprops are just so dang cool…who doesn’t like cool things?” The new engines will be sure to keep the Riddlekids flowing in by the masses to fly the now surely overpriced airplanes which will result from the change. “That is, if they ever get off the ground”, said an HDAS professor. The choice has met a large amount of scru-
tiny from the Aeronautical Engineering department of the school, who insists that they believe without upgrades the airframe will never hold up to the increased forces which will be demanded of it. “And don’t even talk to me about the CG issues” said an Engineering professor. Meanwhile, the leadership of the Unmanned Aeri-
al Systems program can’t stop laughing at the whole thing. “Bro, we all know drones will own the sky in 20-80 years or so” said the program coordinator, Lex Mirow. The President of Flight training at HDAS defends his Administrations decision to make the engine switch. “We deserve the coolest stuff out there, because our students are
the best people for the job. Because we’re just the best you know, and stuff.” Delivery of the engines is expected by Fall of 2015, they are being purchased with a grant from ‘Ripley’s-believe-it or-not’ and the hit energy drink, Deadbull, which hopes to film the first flight training which takes place in the aircraft.
Campus Safety Parking Ban John Doe XXVII Missionary Last Thursday, the Campus Safety department at Humpty-Diddle Airplane School announced that they would no longer be offering on-campus parking to Faculty and Students. On-campus parking has been a tradition at Humpty-Diddle for many years now; however, the deciding heads of Campus Safety put their empty ones together and came to the conclusion that it was not necessary to provide this service in the future. A study was conducted by the department revealing that 90% of the students are not willing to not give up their soon to be non-existent parking spots. The study also revealed that the faculty and staff unanimously agreed that it would not, and has never been, not beneficial to the Humpty-Diddle community to have on-campus parking. Due to these findings, Campus Safety has made the obvious decision to terminate on-campus parking immediately. By enacting this no parking ban, Campus Safety assures the people of Humpty-Diddle that
Campus Safety personnel will be able to spend even more time doing absolutely nothing, something they have already been working on. They have also promised that this new ban will reduce the number of car related crimes on campus, as this has been a recent concern for the Humpty-Diddle community. Starting April 5th at 8:27, Campus Safety will be writing completely legitimate and logical parking tickets to the majority of cars on campus, just as they always do. If your car is parked on campus, it is suggested that you do not move it, receive the ticket, and proceed to ignore it like no one has ever done before in the history of ever. If you have any questions or concerns about this new ban, please contact the Humpty-Diddle Campus Safety department by phone at 368-BANTHIS or by email at parking4none@ hdas.edu.
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Sunglasses Saving the Diddle Man
Mike Mix Writer Man
There is a major epidemic that is spreading like wild fire across the great university of Humpty-Diddle Airplane School. This epidemic has led to many broken hearts and to many near death experiences. It is known as Diddle Vision, and this is one of the most deadly diseases I have ever encountered. I wish I could just tell you how truly how dangerous this disease can truly be. This disease is brought about when a man sees so few females in
their daily lives that they make the most unattractive women into the most beautiful women of all time. I have been subject to this unusual disease, and I must say that during that terrible time in my life every girl looked wonderful. It did not matter who it was or how I met or saw them. It was horrific. I pushed through and I am glad to tell you all that there is a temporary cure.
Developed by the company Diddle Me This, a new pair of sunglasses have been made to help counteract
make a people truly disgusting and revolting. i.e. Pimples, Acne, and Small Blemishes. Developed with
the symptoms of this terrible disease. It does this by honing in on the things that
technology similar to the Google Glass it is the most revolutionary pair of glass-
es ever created. These pair of glasses are going to called the Ugly Glass. I support this development with all my heart. I know what it is like to have to live with the idea that someone is more beautiful then they really are. So the small price of $30.00 will be a small price to pay to be able to see as a regular man. I am proud to say that it also with these glasses that I was healed
from the dreaded disease of Diddle Vision. I know that this wonderful technology can not only help the great university of HDAS, but it will also help the world as well. And with your support I know that a world in which everybody owns a pair of Ugly Glass. Warning: This devise can lead to blindness, stroke, seizure, loss of girlfriend, loss of friends, insanity, heart attack, and headache. Consult your doctor to see if it is okay to use the Ugly Glass. Unless they wear them as well because if they do you are screwed.
Dorthy Receives RAVE Alert...
AFTER Arriving in Emerald City The Wizard Man Behind the Curtain It was in between the 2nd and 3rd click of her heels and her mumblings of “there’s no place like home,” that Kansas City farm girl, Dorothy Ware was interrupted by a barrage of RAVE alert messages to inform her of the impending tornado that was coming to destroy her Kansas city home. “STAY UN DOORS - Impending Tornado” is what the first of three messages said, coming only a full day after the event. RAVE, is an alert system designed to
inform its paying customers of emergencies via several methods at the same time, hopefully before, and within the same day of the event. “It is really an archaic, sorry, I mean, modern emergency warning system which we are developing to tell people of looming danger, either weather related or criminally motivated,” commented one head RAVE developer. Still in its troubleshooting stage however, the system has still not been able to inform all its clients about a possible incident before it actually happens. At press time, the
RAVE team of developers were apologetic about the technical difficulties, but continually insisted that the warnings are actually suppose to come before the incidents and not after, such as the tornado in this case. Dorothy is unconvinced however: “Not only had I already confronted the Wizard of OZ, to add insult to injury, even Toto knew we were not in Kansas anymore!” The frustrated peasant girl isn’t pleased with the service she recently signed up for. “If I could receive these warning before, that would be great.
BlueBoard Mandatory Word Smith The Wordsmith Humpty-Diddle Airplane School recently required all classes to be conducted exclusively on the online teaching resource BlueBoard. After a nearly $1.5 million dollar yearly investment, Humpty Diddle decided that BlueBoard should not only have a higher usage rate, but should be the exclusive medium for all educational programming at the school. BlueBoard allows the professor to create a course with maximum time investment due to the highly complex and extremely disorganized system of class editorial tools. It also has an automatic assignment and exam grading tool for professors to use; even though, more often than not the grades need to be reviewed
and recalculated. Although BlueBoard was intended to reduce the workload and time investment of professors, in reality it has led to the exact opposite, something Humpty-Diddle feels little concern over. Students have mixed reviews of the schools new directive. They are ecstatic that there are no more class sessions to attend so they can spend more of their time studying (a.k.a partying) and less time sitting in a room listening intently to the professor’s lectures (a.k.a nodding off to that guy at the front of the room’s monotone discourse). However, due to the “well designed” platform of BlueBoard they are unable to find course materials that the professor apparently posted, they get kicked out of timed tests and quizzes and are unable to regain access. As
a result they receive horrible grades, and more often then not, when a student asks the professor a question, they are referred to look at it on BlueBoard. Not only are classes now being conducted exclusively on BlueBoard, but Humpty-Diddle has also required all clubs/organizations and campus activities to be conducted there as well. As a result club/ organization participation has fallen by 93.7% and campus activities have all but ceased. Due to the migration to a completely impersonal online school, Humpty-Diddle has been able to repurpose all the educational building on campus into more housing specifically for high paying tenants only. Students are still required to live on campus in the slowly deteriorating Scholar Hamlet buildings.
In a time where personal safety is a big issue for me, I was intrigued by the proverbial bells and whistles of the warning product. The whole thing has been very mum however.” When asked about their plans for the system, RAVE developers envisioned a fully functioning system, which they hope can even be used on college campuses to warn of emergencies. They project that by the 2nd decade of the new millennium, though some generations away for them as far as their technology is concerned it seems, messages will graduate
from the realms of afterthe-fact reminders to actual warnings. Asked if this was the first time this had ever happened, Dorothy simply held up her device to our reporters to show the time stamp of the second message; “Beware: Lions, Tigers, and Bears in the Yellow Brick Road Area.” This, of course she did rather embarrassingly in the presence of her new lion friend who followed her to OZ to get his courage back. “This is pitiful,” commented the Scarecrow that was also on sight with his newly afforded brain to
process this predicament of a warning service that sends warnings after the event. “If I were Dorothy,” he could now eloquently add, “I would cancel my subscription as soon as I return to Kansas. It really is redundant as they have marketed.” RAVE developers refused to comment further, and before Dorothy could give a final comment, the iconic, ‘dingdong’ RAVE alert notification sound went off on her device. What was the already established fact this time? “The witch is dead!”
Humpty-Diddle Airplane School
Announces the Ovarian Possession Scholarship
Requirements: - Possess Female Genetailia - Have Been Diagnosed With RIBS - Be Open Minded/Legged
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Crew of Serenity to introduce new Degree Mr. Universe In Atmo In an astonishing and totally expected move, Humpty-Diddle Airplane School has thrown heaps of money at another upcoming field of study they wish to absorb and take all credit for. On Feb. 19, President Jimmy John made an open invitation to the crew of a Starbound Firefly class transport by the name of ‘Serenity’, to spend the next four years teaching HDAS DB students an Associates in Aerospace Smuggling Science (ASS) degree. Since the Feb. invitation, the crew has made six incognito visits to talk over the details of the degree program and how it will be taught. Your Avioff Newspaper was given full details in a briefing aboard Serenity last weekend. “All truth be told, I’m mighty glad mister Jimmy John has chosen the best crew in the ‘Verse to get this job done.”, said the Firefly’s captain Malcolm ‘Mal’ Reynolds.
“It’s my belief that mister Johnsen wants to send HDAS graduates into the Smuggling field, and I love money, so this will work for me.” Each member of the crew found his or her unique purpose among the HDAS campus. Several extensively long meetings were held between Serenity ambassador, the honorable Inara Serra, and University Administration to pound out the finer details of the arrangements. The pilot of the vessel, Hoban ‘Wash’ Washburne, has also met with Flight Department officials to create a transition course from Chessna Skychickens into a transport vessel like Serenity. The top flight instructors from the HDAS flight program will be taken into Atmo for some initial training later this spring in the ships Endo/Exo-atmospheric shuttle. The vessel’s man of God, Derrial Book ---known as a Shepherd Book----, met with officials at the Faith and Spiritual-
ity Center. He was disappointed with the fact that no decent Protestant chaplain has been in position there for some time, and has negotiated his selection as the Interim Chaplain. Some Kneecapping was required. One angry student Course Catalog: Associate’s who got past security Aerospace Smuggling Science HDAS-DB while Shepherd was visiting earlier this month ASS-220 Intraverse Navigation- Hoban Wasburne exclaimed, “You died! ASS-235 Intraverse Communication- Hoban Wasburne You can’t possibly be ASS-269 Intraverse Ambassdorship – Inara Serra here, I saw you die in ASS-240 Intro to Space Medical Procedures- Simon Tam Serenity, it was terrible!” AMS-220 Space System Maintenance- Kaylee Tam The student was quickly ASS- 350 Intraverse Flight Planning- Malcolm Reynolds escorted from campus, ASS-375 Intraverse Crew Dynamics- Malcolm Reynolds and Shepherd claimed he ASS-357 Intraverse Combat Techniques- Jayne Cobb had no idea what the stuASS-340 Kneecapping- Derrial Book dent was talking about. HU-316 Faith’s place in the Cosmos- Derrial Book A similar occurrence PS-330 Space Metaphysics –River Tam took place on Wash’s HU-301 Space Art- River Tam last visit. Neither crewPS-450 Killing People with your mind- River Tam member was available ASS-440 Crew Chain of Command- Jayne Cobb for comment on those ASS- 480 Verse Leadership strategies – Zoe Washburne interactions and frankly the writer of this article
Mr. Universe/Interverse free space news
doesn’t give a darn whether you’re bothered that two characters killed off in the movie were brought to life for the purpose of this satire piece. Spoiler alert. Simon Tam, his wife Kaylee, and their 9 year old daughter Sorra have taken up lodging in nearby Port Orange, FL in hopes of starting a relaxed life in the peace that city offers. They have officially resigned from their place aboard Serenity, and the two adults will be teaching a few of the courses at HDAS. Meanwhile, Simon’s sister River has found a place in the Dean of Students office. However, other Deans have expressed some initial concern over her position there. “I saw her talking with the Wright brothers statues in the middle of the south quad one morning! She said they we’re angry
with us, It was totally weird” stated one Dean who preferred to remain unnamed. River is also starting a women’s self-defense program which will be taught in the Fitness Center on Tuesday nights. Medical authorities will be on staff in the unfortunate case that any deaths occur. Jayne Cobb, the Vessel’s muscle-bound gun toter will be providing weapons training for the firearms club, is teaching a few courses, and can’t seem to get enough of Razzles nightclub. Daytona Beach Police have attempted to arrest him on two occasions for starting bar fights, but he has diplomatic immunity as a member of the first offworld crew to do business on our planet. “I was just showing off Vera to the local authorities, but the darn folks weren’t too Gorram happy about
it”, said Cobb after being detained for breaking open carry laws. The ASS degree will include a capstone course where each student will spend one term abroad as a member of Serenity’s crew. Advance student reactions are all positive, as it seems HDAS has finally created a study abroad program that is actually interesting. “They will actively participate in every facet of life aboard a spaceship, we’ll treat ‘em as our own and give ‘em a guest bunk with Shepard”, remarked the Ship’s first officer Zoe Washburne, who is married to the vessel’s pilot and has been selected as the Head of the ASS Program. The first classes for the ASS Degree will begin Fall of 2014, and any students are encouraged to apply for this exciting program.
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Sorority Sister Claims, “They’re the Best Friends Money Can Buy” Jee Deeyai My Office As we all know from Mark Twain's famous play, "The Hangover Monologues", many College students are faced with the painful choice: "To go Greek or not to go Greek, that is the question!". Well, if you never lived out your days of middle school to the fullest and are looking to go back, then Greek life at HDAS may be for you. Here you can play dress up, fight over seats in the cafeteria, and get worthlessly drunk with pay-as-you-go friends. Best part, it all can be filed under the assumption of being classy and gentlemenlike. Because, if you tell a lie often enough, some may finally think it’s true. Despite their constant pressure of well-meaning first-years, the Greeks have actually had trouble in recent years attaining new converts. Well, due to recent reports, that great conundrum is no longer troublesome, but is becoming an easy decision here at Humpty-Diddle Airplane School. "I like, was always like, skeptical at first and like, worried how they may accept me" said HDAS greek-life recruitment chairgirl Jenna Jurgens when asked her position on Fratority life. Her semesterly payments, directly deposited from her parents account, guarantee inclusion in at least 5 Big/ little instagram pictures a week. "I just love my big so
much, I cry so much when I get to eat lunch with her" said Jurgens. In addition, wearing matching Jerseys has reminded her of days in highschool, when wearing particular brands divided the cool people from the uncool people. "I feel like I have a home here, I'm set apart from the rest of those greasy GDI's",stated Jenna. Her confidence was doubly solidified when conflict broke out over which tables Fratorities used. "It's good to see that we can all unite for one common purpose, and that's keeping our tables OUR tables, other students don't dare sit at one of ours when we aren't there." spoke the Sophomore at HDAS. She is confident that Greek interest will flourish for the foreseeable future. New statistics just in from the Fratority management office in Dedend, Michigan show that nearly 95 percent of all alcohol consumption at fratority social gatherings is covered by club dues. It's a great attraction for prospective Greeks to join Fratority life, "I'm glad my money is going to worthy pursuits, it's the relationships you build on nights you can't even remember that make college life worthwhile." stated Gamma Omega Frat President Danny Judger. Furthermore, It’s the tried-and-true beleif of all of the Greeks that Dressing up for Formal day is an important part of tradition. “A suit on one of our brothers or a nice black dress on a Sweetheart makes any
alcohol binge classy, we wear them to show everyone else who’s better on chapter day.” In addition to attire, Greek organizations often hold secret creeds close to their hearts, never revealing them to the lower people around them who chose to have moral compasses during their college career. Danny is certain that the incoming freshman will be beguiled into joining Fratority life. And if they’re skeptical, he will just assure them that employers will love to see their involvement in all of those half hearted service and charity fundraisers. “There’s nothing better than boosting your resume at the expense of the less fortunate. 35 hours at a soup kitchen? that’s pure GOLD in an interview!” remarked Danny Judger. "It's about doing something better with your college experience, and Networking. My Big just got an Alumni connection to wash bathrooms at Burger King at Hartsfield-Jackson! That's something you can't shake a stick at." Here at HDAS, we have many reputable Greek Fratorities which incoming students can join, if you are interested, lonely, and have disposable inocome, please feel free to stop by the Fratority life office after 3pm any day, as the staff may be arriving late due to waking up from groggy alcohol benders. Or perhaps they’ll be forced to withdraw altogether!
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Advanced Florida Drivers Handbook (2014 Revision) 1) All drivers are required to come to a complete stop within the flow of traffic in order for a right turn off the road to be permitted. 2) When approaching a red light at an intersection in which you have the option to stay in the left lane to go straight or enter the right lane to turn right on red, you are required to stop in the right lane no matter what. Especially if you just have to go straight. Nobody elses plans matter, you take that right lane for yourself and stick with it until the green. 3) If you find yourself in the above circumstance and do need to turn right-on-red, Don’t do it. Again, the lives of those behind you don’t matter and their time doesen’t matter to you. Wait for green and then turn. 4) There are no lighted signals on motor vehicles which indicate a desire to turn. Any stories of such falsehoods are blasphemy. If you purchase a car with such devices you are forbidden from using them. 5) Every car trip is a race and All of the other drivers are your mortal enemies. 6) If the driver ahead of you at a red light hesitates for even one one-hundreth of a second upon it changing green, honk swiftly and incessantly. 7) After passing the above-mentioned driver, flip them the bird and stare sternly. Those who neglect this important step are subject to license suspension. 8) If you drive a Motorcycle, you are God; and thus, invincible like God, and no one can get in your way. Don’t let them. 9) Dont use your lights in the rain. Actually, Drive faster and more erraticly during rain showers. Rainwater lessens the mass of your car and makes collisions at high speeds safer. 10) Gas mileage doubles while you are talking on your phone. Do it all the time. 11) Bumper stickers also increase gas mileage. Use lots of them. 12) Black-out the rims of your car, no one has thought of it before. It’s an original idea, I promise.
Puzzles Bring these completed puzzles to The Avion office (Student Center 110) for your chance to win a $10.00 Starbucks gift card.
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The WSTD 102.5 Launch on Cereal XM Satellite Radio The WSTD 102.5FM Press Release Daytona Beach, Florida (April 1, 2014) - In an effort to expand the offerings of content on satellite radio, CerealXM has granted The WSTD 102.5 FM and owner Humpt-Diddle Airplane School a lease to broadcast on CerealXM beginning April 7, 2014. “This is an awesome opportunity not only for WSTD but also for the students of this School,”
said General Manager Jimmy D. “Last year we launched on iHeart Radio, the number 1 internet radio platform and have had great success with that. It’s only fitting that we continue this expansion to include satellite radio.” The WSTD 102.5 FM will become the first college radio station in the nation to broadcast on its own channel over North America via satellite radio. “CerealXM
currently broadcasts college radio programing,” stated Program Director Samuel Soundguy, “but it only broadcasts certain shows and is a group of colleges and universities. We believe that all of our shows and programing are worthy of being broadcasted via satellite radio.” The WSTD 102.5 FM will launch “Wasted” Radio on channel 180. The channel will feature its current shows like “The Double Shot @
Noon”, “The Drive at 5 w/ Greg Keys”, and “The Flipside”. The channel will also feature one of Daytona Beach’s most popular shows “The Rave” which is an electronic, dance, trap show. WSTD is known as a leader in college radio. It is one of the few college stations to have professionally produced imaging, state-of-the-art equipment, as well as the first college station to launch Listener-Driven Radio.
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